I wake up in a cold sweat, and my breathes come out ragged. The sheets are drenched, but when are they not?
Ever since the Mage died, ever since I killed him, I've been having these weird dreams.
There's always a woman in the dream. Her hair is silky blond and and her eyes are so so blue.
Like there are oceans in her eyes, waiting for someone to explore their depths.
But her eyes are also sad in a way I didn't know was possible. They're filled with pain and regret and I wish I could help.
But I don't know how to. I can't even help myself anymore.
That's why Baz and Penny never leave me at the flat alone. They don't say it, but I know it's true. I can see the pity in their eyes.
I hate it.
I hate knowing that I'm the thing holding them back.
Penny's always talked about going to university in America.
In third year, we made a plan to take a road trip there one summer. She seemed even more excited to go after her and Micah started dating.
But, when I brought it up to her, she told me that moving to America would cost too much.
I know her parents have been saving money for her to go to university since Premal was a fetus, though. And she told me a while ago Micah and her were planning on buying an apartment in the States.
So, I shrugged at her.
I didn't know how to respond. I still don't.
As for Baz, well, he's thriving at university.
But I know he'd be better off without me burdening him.
I feel like he's tired of me. Or mad at me. Or both.
Like pity is the only thing holding him back from leaving me.
I know I should break up with him so he doesn't have to.
If you love someone, you should be willing to let them go so they can find happiness.
But I've always been so selfish when it comes to Baz.
That's the reason I didn't like Agatha flirting with him back then, even if I didn't know it. It's crystal clear to me now.
And the thought of letting him go... I don't think I could survive it.
Baz is like my anchor, without him there by my side, I'll float away.
So I'll be selfish a little longer. And then, I'll let go.