Chapter Text
Dina was mad. No, not only mad, she was outraged. How could she be so stupid, how could she do something to someone so ungrateful, someone who would just push her down and say they didn't need her friendship and didn't want her around as she tried to, for fuck's sake, help? The girl swallowed drily, refusing to let more tears come off her eyes and roll down her face. If Ellie was ungrateful enough to push her away, to say she didn't want Dina next to her anymore, the raven-haired wouldn't stick around. She would not stay where she wasn't welcome, so she ran her hands on her hair and, putting them up in a messy bun, she washed her face in the sink.
She knew Jesse would ask. He would ask why Ellie was gone and why she had been crying, and Dina didn't want to tell her friend about her feelings - feelings? She fucking adored Ellie! - towards the Art student, thus she only washed her face and pulled up a smile, walking off the bathroom as if nothing ever happened.
It took Jesse more than 4 days to notice Dina and Ellie weren't talking at all. When he first asked about Williams to Caradonna, the brunette said she hadn't heard about Ellie since last Wednesday. Jesse could be curious, but he was respectful. He was aware that his best friend didn't want to talk about Ellie, so he wouldn't ask again, not that day, at least.
The second time he asked, they were in the parking lot of the college, sitting in the grass and looking at the skies as Dina's colleagues of Nursery were there too. Jesse was a Law's student, and most of the girls had a crush on him, though it was obvious he had eyes only for Dina - even after she turned him down. The young woman didn't answer why she wasn't talking to Ellie that time, just saying she wasn't sure what her relationship with the auburn was anymore. Still friends? No, Ellie said they weren't friends. Enemies? No, they didn't hate each other enough for this. Maybe… just numb towards one another. Yep, that fit. It made Dina sick, to know she was numb about someone she once loved so much.
The third time he asked, the brunette felt like in an alley with big walls on her both sides. Nowhere to go. The comparison made her mad, as she remembered the alley behind her work and Ellie standing there, alone and soaked by the rain, drugged like a rat. Still, she had to give Jesse an answer. He probably was feeling stressed about their fight, as Ellie wasn't lunching with them anymore, and Jesse still was her friend. Dina wouldn't take him away from her, even if she was selfish and was killing herself. As an almost nurse, Dina could say Ellie had barely begun doing drugs, however she could tell by the cracked lips and pale skin and thinness that Ellie was doing the heavy ones. Nothing good would come out of it, and if the girl refused help, who would try to help her?
Not me. I can't do this again, Dina thought to herself as she tried hard not to recall her dad's smile.
"D? Can you tell me why you are ignoring Ellie?" Jesse's voice brought her back to reality. They were sitting in the library, studying for their exams the week after that, since Dina couldn't concentrate at home and Jesse wanted to help.
Help. Dina shrugged, shaking her head slowly as she tried to forget Ellie's sharp words.
"Um, I guess i can't keep you from knowing anymore", the raven-haired played with a strain of hair while talking to the boy she called friend and date sometimes.
"Knowing what?" Jesse crossed his arms on his chest, looking at the girl with distressed eyes. "I can say you're keeping distance, but why? Ellie won't talk to me either."
Dina scratched her arms, looking at the ceiling of the library and doing everything to focus her mind on other things than her dad. More than anything else in her life, she wanted to help Ellie. Be there for her, try to convince her the drugs weren't the way. She wanted, she could swear she wanted. For her father - no parents, no children, no siblings deserve to see their loved one destroy themselves.
But at what cost? Dina could only help Ellie if it meant destroying herself even more. Still, first she was willing to do that… until the auburn girl tore it all up. Dina didn't need to be shouted at and pushed away to know people sometimes didn't want her help.
"We fought", she blurted out. It was easier than keeping to herself or talking slowly, as it would end the same if she just gave it away with no struggle. "Ellie said she didn't want me in her life anymore, so I won't be there to her too."
"Shit, Dina", Jesse had wide eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think as he was given the news of his two best friends becoming nothing more than disinclined people towards each other. "That's sick. Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"Not really", and she truly didn't. Talking about their fight meant talking about her father, and it meant exposing both her feelings for Ellie and the girl's addiction. Dina was aware drugs weren't something easy to deal with, and the consequences would be devastating, but fuck-- she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to have another person she loved dead by drugs, however was it her place to talk about? How could Jesse help her when Ellie pushed Dina away for doing the same? "It's okay, I swear."
"I don't know if I believe you. You're not telling me something, I can feel it." Jesse's eyes were glued to the girl like magnets to a field. Jesse was one of her best friends, one of the reasons she stayed in Boston when her mother asked her; he could read her soul. He knew when something wasn't ok at all with her.
"If I'm not telling you, should you be asking?" Dina didn't mean it, though she was so stressed with all the thoughts she was just throwing her pain at him.
"Woah, it's okay, D. I'm not asking because I want to make rumors or anything, I'm asking because I care about you two."
"I know. I'm sorry. I just… I don't wanna talk about it", Dina shook her head, closing her eyes as she felt her heart hurt. She wished someone could help Ellie, because she didn't deserve to end up like Dina's father. No one deserves it, but Ellie… fuck. "I need to focus on my exams." She decided to ignore it. At least for a while, since she had a life too.
"If you feel comfortable enough for talking, you can always count on me, ok?"
"Yeah, I know. Thank you." Dina gave him a weak smile and turned back to face her notebooks, trying hard not to think about all the damage drugs could do to people who used and the ones around them.
Dina's house wasn't big, still it wasn't small either. It had 3 bedrooms and enough rooms for her mother to be fine, so their house had a nice size. By the insides, it was a typical latino house - vibrant colors and a lot of pictures in the walls. When she was younger, Dina used to look at them every night before going to bed, wishing her family was still the same from the day she was born.
Dina loved her stepfather but she would never love him as one day she loved her own dad, the man with the warmest hug she would ever know and the kindest smile she would ever see. Dina loved her stepfather, she swear she did, however the raven-haired didn't have reasons enough to stick around him when her mom was breaking up with him.
After I don't know, almost 10 years together. Dina could still hear him like the very first time, when she was 10, hiding behind her mom's legs as she watched the tall and blonde man smile at her. He doesn't remind me of daddy, she thought. That was a thought she would never forget, as it never changed.
"Dina?" Her mother's voice came from behind her. The girl capsized over her feet, clapping her hands together as she tried to ignore the fact her mother caught her staring at one of her father's pictures. "Hey, baby, we haven't talked in a while."
"Hey, mom", she didn't want to talk to her mother. Not when she was having so many problems herself. She missed Talia, because Talia always helped her when she needed it, and she always had the best support and advice to give about anything at all, even things she didn't understand. I'll call her later, she promised to herself as her mom, Maya, came closer to her.
Maya once was a pretty young woman, as pretty as her daughters were. She had a small nose and full red lips, wide eyes that seemed like melted gold. Now, though, after losing her husband to the drugs and getting a divorce, Maya was old. Older than she should look like.
Dina didn't blame her. She was stressed out about everything too.
So she should just turn around and go back to her room, to her books and to her exams, nevertheless it escaped her lips before she could even try to stop herself:
"Mom, do you miss dad?"
It made Maya's stressed eyes change their sparkle. Suddenly, it was like she was lost inside her own mind, lost in time, in a sanctuary nobody could get her off. It made Dina frown her brows in expectation.
"Everyday, Dina. You papa… he was everything I loved the most back then."
"Why…", her voice wasn't helping, but she needed to ask anyway. "Why did he…?"
Maya stopped for a second, almost not breathing as she ran her hands on her pants, trying to get them a little bit warmer. It was cold outside, something strange for a spring - but the climate had been weird for a long time then. Dina liked that way, though, it made her feel like the skies were mirroring her feelings. If she was happy, there would be sun. If she was sad, it would rain all day.
Maya opened her mouth, however she closed it almost a second later. She did it more 3 times, as if she was a fish gasping for air. Dina only stared at her mother, confused.
"He didn't know he had the amount of love necessary to keep himself from doing it."
That wasn't the answer Dina wanted, she noticed. She wanted her mother to insult her father. She wanted her to say he was unhappy, he was ungrateful and an asshole for doing it, but she also knew it wasn't the truth. Her father did what he did because he didn't know, he didn't see he was loved. Dina blamed herself for not being able to show him it.
"I miss him", she mumbled. She really did. She wished she could hug her father at least one more time, smell him and see his smile. She missed him with her whole body, not only her heart.
Maya pulled her to a hug, a comfortable and sad hug.
"I know, baby. I miss him too."
There's a thing I can do to honor him, the thought crossed her mind as she hugged her mother back. There's Ellie. I can help her, can't I?
Dina knew she could. She just wished she would find the ways of doing it without drowning herself in an ocean of confusion and pain one more time.