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The More Mundane Benefit of a God-Complex is the Right to Bully your Local Satan

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It is a truth mutually acknowledged by anyone who has ever had the misfortune of interacting with Sukuna or his wayward body parts (i.e. every shaman, curse, or anything falling in-between these two categories) that the King of Curses lived by the adage, "I'm going to cause problems on purpose." Like crappy weather, traffic jams, and shitting pigeons, running into Sukuna was a guaranteed source of pain and despair, handed out randomly and without regard to victim nor circumstance by an uncaring universe.

He was the sort of entity that could not be reasoned with, bribed, cajoled, or blackmailed; simply avoided to the best of one's ability.

Which was why, one boring Tuesday, Gojo Satoru decides to fuck with the guy.

 


 

The facts of Gojo's current employment are as follows,

1. There are many people that fucking suck, and who would improve the world greatly if they dropped dead.

2. Gojo is, technically, perfectly capable of killing these people.

3. Gojo is unable to actually kill, or even seriously damage, these people because it would ruin his chance to save the shaman world from itself.

4. However, Gojo can make these people's lives as close to a living hell as possible because he is very, very good at everything, and that everything includes being annoying.

 

Thus, one Tuesday where nothing much is happening (well, he destroyed a grade 1 spirit this morning, but nothing interesting is happening), it occurs to Gojo that Sukuna fits the same logical pattern of being technically unkillable but fully deserving of a grave-bound asskicking as the higher-ups of the shaman world, and therefore deserves the same treatment. Hell, if anything it will be even easier to achieve and less likely to cause consequences.

With the higher-ups, he's limited to rudeness and vague threats of murder, a delicate balance between his own invulnerability and the obvious target of his cute students. Sukuna, on the other hand, is already constantly pulling as much of a bitch-fit as he's able and has the added benefit of being an unmoving target. The curse sees, hears, and feels with his vessel; he literally won't be able to escape Gojo's trolling nor Itadori Yuuji's delight in whatever nonsense is currently ongoing.

Forget some full-powered final showdown between the strongest shaman the world has ever produced and the fully incarnated King of Curses, Gojo is gonna give the guy a metaphorical heart-attack from sheer rage way before that day comes. 

What a great idea, truly throughout heaven and earth, Gojo Satoru alone is the honored one.

 


 

Gojo finds his cute little first-years easily enough, it's not like any of them are particularly quiet or unobtrusive, and they tend to cluster together like penguins riding out a snowstorm. Forget Six Eyes, anyone with at least one ear could figure out where Kugisaki and Itadori where simply by following the sound of their latest insane argument/discussion, then locate Fushiguro by glancing slightly behind to see him pretending to be above such nonsense. 

Today's location is the dorm common area, and today's shouting match is the relative value of instant coffee. Kugisaki seems to be against it on principle and Itadori doesn't like any coffee at all, but such little details as technically being in agreement have never stopped Kugisaki from picking a fight, and a mere lack of logic has never stopped Itadori from going along with a situation. Fushiguro, who actually drinks instant coffee, is adding nothing to the discussion but hovering nearby as if its just a coincidence to chose the loudest room on campus in which to stare absently at his phone.

Gojo has found the three most idiotic people in the world to be his students. He is so proud of himself.

He lets Kujisaki finish up her tirade, the announces his presence with a loud, "Yo!", and a friendly slap of Fushiguro's shoulder. 

Fushiguro clicks his tongue and takes a deliberate step away; Kugisaki looks down her nose as if offended by his very presence; Itadori gives him a large smile and a friendly, "Hello, Sensei."

"I was thinking", he starts innocently, tapping his cheek as if in thought, "that we should take a little class trip since our first Tokyo tour ended up just being an exorcism mission." Itadori's excitement upon seeing him has now obviously doubled and he's fidgeting with all the excitement of a dog promised a walk. Meanwhile, now that she knows there is something in it for her, Kugisaki (his favorite little egomaniac) is staring with equal excitement.

"Let's go to Harajuka, I wanna go shopping! Although, I guess I'll have to be careful about getting scouted as a model..."

"No, no, lets go to Ginza and eat sushi again. We had conveyor-belt sushi last time, so we can get the fancy stuff this time."

"Idiot, you wanna go out for dinner at 3pm?"

Fushiguro, ever willing to believe in the evils that lie in the hearts of men, ignores the latest Itadori/Kugisaki shout-off about the merits of early dinner and turns to face Gojo, "And we're supposed to believe that this isn't also going to turn into an exorcism mission?"

That actually stops Kujisaki from yelling her point about crepes as the only acceptable food between 3 and 5pm at Itadori, and her expression rehardens into a glare. "It better not. I did not come to Tokyo to be dragged into every abandoned building and piss-filled back alley way in the city", she informs them.

"Actually, I was thinking of karaoke", merits a high-pitched squeal of delight from his two country-bumpkins. Welcome to hell, Ryoumen Sukuna.

 


 

Karaoke is fun as an adult because you are allowed to get drunk enough that your friends' horrible singing doesn't matter and it is socially acceptable to tell them how much they suck.

This is not something that Sukuna, currently trapped inside a teenager can do. It is unfortunately for the person in question, also not something that Fushiguro can do, though he is eyeing Gojo's beer with some pretty blatant envy as Kugisaki caterwauls some top 50 pop song emboldened by her unshakable belief that listening to this sober is not torture.

She hasn't let  anyone take the mic from her for the last 5 songs, and as Gojo casually swats Fushiguro's hand away from his beer, he thinks he sees the second eye slits twitch on Itadori's face as the kid happily shakes a tambourine tragically out of time to Kugisaki's singing.

 


 

Its about dinner time when they leave the karaoke room, with Fushiguro looking like he's lost any hope he might've had for humanity while Kugisaki and Itadori sparkle with glee.

Gojo herds his little pack of giggly/despairing students down the street and into the first nice-ish looking restaurant he sees. The waiter looks slightly taken overwhelmed at their group (though whether thats his own blindfold, Kugisaki and Itadori's loud exclamations about the fancy restaurant, or Fushiguro's thousand yard stare is hard to say).

Once they've been seated (noticeably far away from other patrons), Gojo enacts part two of today's fun activities. "Kugisaki, you've never actually had a run in with Sukuna have you?"

This game is going to require a bit more delicacy, Fushiguro and Itadori have already tensed up slightly at the mention of the curse's name. As he'd calculated however, Kugisaki Nobara, who would spit in the face of any demon that looked at her and tell any deity in her path to the move the fuck out of the way, simply glances up from her menu disinterestedly and says. "No, what of it?"

Gojo leans back in his seat and reaches over to pinch the cheek of Itadori sitting next to him. "Nothing, just that if you ever see Itadori running around shirtless, screaming about bathing the in the blood of innocents, just know that's probably Sukuna."

"Probably?", Fushiguro mutters.

Gojo lets go of Itadori's face and tells him, "Try and do an impression for her." A reasonable human being would probably be offended by that request, or at the very least acknowledge it as a pointless endeavor.

Itadori just scrunches up his face in thought, then replies with the utmost sincerity, "I'd probably get us kicked out of the restaurant if I tore off my shirt and started punching people indiscriminately."

"Probably??", Fushiguro again mutters.

Kugisaki, never one to pass up an opportunity to judge others, interjects "You both seem pretty insistent about the tearing off of shirts being a key factor here, what is Sukuna a thirteen year old boy who just got his first chest hair?"

Gojo has

Itadori leans forward, looking contemplative, "Honestly, I think it's just a vendetta against shirts cause he wears a full kimono/hoodie deal if he's mentally projecting himself."

the best

"Pretty sus to only run around half-naked when you're in some teenager's body."

students

"No, no he stills looks like me when he's projecting. I honestly think he just hates shirts."

in the whole

"How fugly was the guy before that he willing adopted your face!"

fucking world.

 


 

One dinner later and every action that Sukuna has taken since his incarnation have been thoroughly mocked in the unconsciously vicious way that only teenagers were capable off.

Kugisaki and Itadori have moved on to discussing their next topic (ranking tonight's food in comparison to all other meals Gojo's treated the three too, looks like it lands on the same level as conveyor-belt sushi). They've started outpacing him and Fushiguro through a combination of enthusiasm and obliviousness.

This distance makes it easier for Fushiguro to glare at him, which means the kid's probably figured out that Gojo intentionally been riling up Sukuna. Excellent, if Fushiguro has figured that out, then Sukuna definitely has too. Nothing better then letting the target know they were being messed with, especially when they had so little recourse.

Now time to go to the movies.

 


 

Getting his students to chose a movie that would make any sane adult want to claw their eyes out is not difficult, because despite Fushiguro's valiant attempts at maturity and logic, their group contains no sane adults.

Which is to say that Itadori and Kugisaki play Rock-Paper-Scissors for movie picking rights, Kugisaki bullies Itadori into seeing the movie she wants to see anyway when she loses, and Fushiguro's half-hearted attempts at stopping this train-wreck by pulling up reviews about how the movie (a live-action adaption of some shoujo manga) has been panned by critics as an insult to both the already substandard source material as well as the general concept of cinema are soundly ignored.

The theater they enter is already half-filled with with excited looking toddlers accompanied by resigned parents and several giggling groups of preteen girls drunk on the freedom of seeing a movie unsupervised.

Itadori grabs a seat and Kugisaki plops down regally to his right in order to have unfettered access to the popcorn he's carrying. Fushiguro then hesitates, clearly torn between his desire to sit next to Itadori and the fact that the seat next to Kugisaki is next to the aisle allowing him a clear escape route should the movie prove unbearable. Gojo decides to makes the decision for him, because he wants access to the popcorn bucket and there is no way that Fushiguro isn't going to flee to the lobby after the film's first inevitable fart joke (which judging by his experience with truly awful children's cinema, he's guessing will come around the 10 minute mark).

 


 

Really the movie exceeds his expectations. Fushiguro doesn't last 5 minutes; there is a a sing-along montage, many badly edited CGI sparkles, and at least four semi-incoherent speeches about the power of friendship, one of which was by comic-relief magical cat side-kick also responsible for all the movie's fart jokes. To top it all off, a toddler a couple rows in front of them ends up throwing up halfway through the movie, which is a really just a cherry on top of the whole situation.

Afterwards, in the lobby a truly annoyed beyond belief Fushiguro snaps at a disappointed Kugisaki that he'd told her the movie would suck and kicks off a rare Fushi vs. Kugi argument which are always a fun spectacle of icy glares and over-dramatic teenagers subtly implying their opponent was too dumb to live.

While that happens, Gojo has a fun time with Itadori, a fellow connoisseur of bad film, breaking down where the director went wrong (all the places, the director went wrong all the places is the correct answer). By the time Gojo's called up a taxi (well, he's called up Ijichi whose basically a taxi), Itadori has just finished up his counter-argument about why the CGI sparkles were actually the movie's only redeeming quality.

Gojo responds by slinging an arm over Itadori's shoulder and asking, "So did you have a fun time?", and isn't at all surprised when a new mouth appears on the side of his student's face to answer. After all, he wasn't really questioning Itadori.

"I take back what I said about killing you first. I think I'll take out a couple of your students beforehand so I can strangle you with their guts", answers Sukuna in the pleasant tone of man pushed beyond his limits.

Itadori slaps a hand over the mouth and wonders aloud, "Damm, what's that guy's problem?"

"Who knows, Gojo answers, like a fucking liar. "Anyway, want to listen to a song I guarantee you'll get stuck in your head while we wait for Ijichi?"