The first time, Julian didn’t even realize it was happening. Garak was out the door before Julian was able to open his mouth to protest. Maybe Garak didn’t like cuddling after the act. Surely a little disappointing, but nothing that would be prohibitive.
After all the evening had taken a turn too serendipitous to ponder. There had been a celebration of the Bajoran gratitude festival. That was the sort of thing Garak usually avoided, but today, for whatever reason, he had been there. He had exchanged a look with Julian, and for the first time Julian saw his own naked want mirrored back to him in Garak’s blue eyes.
So several hours later, when Garak broke into his quarters, Julian couldn’t find it in himself to be surprised or upset. Instead, Julian merely pushed the Cardassian against the wall and they met in a desperate and needy kiss.
As the night progressed, Garak surrendered himself beautifully, something which Julian had previously never dared hope for. Julian assumed sex with Garak would be pushy and agressive, after all Cardassian flirting was nothing if not combative. Instead, Garak melted in his hands.
Julian pushed Garak to his bed, and entered him. Garak brooked no resistance, instead gazing at Julian with those cool blue eyes. With Garak’s ajan was wet and tight around his cock, he found he could not help but to desperately fuck him into the mattress. Garak was panting and moaning, and flushed a beautiful blue. It made Julian feel like a teenager, desperately trying to not end the event prematurely. Garak rolled his hips into Julian accelerating the pace, all the while, his everted prUt bouncing happily between them. After several minutes, Garak came in pulsating bursts. He clenched around Julian, sending him over the edge then and there.
Julian collapsed on the bed beside Garak, taking a moment to feel truly fortunate before getting up and replicating 2 hot towels. He passed one to Garak, realizing as he did so that Garak was already getting dressed.
Garak was out the door before Julian could ask him to stay. Only after he was gone did Dr. Bashir realized they hadn’t spoken a single word to each other. He laid back on the bed, the sheets wet with sweat and secretions and wondered how he managed to feel used after fucking someone like that. Julian resolved he would ask Garak on a proper date the next time they got lunch.
But three days later at lunch Garak was all excuses. “I couldn’t possibly make time this week” and “Oh I don’t enjoy Klingon food” were the airy responses.
After a particularly heated debate about A Tale of Two Cities, Julian wandered back to infirmary feeling disappointed and confused. Did Garak regret their evening together? Neither of them had brought it up, and his polite refusal at invitations to dates made Julian feel their affair was over before it even really got off the ground. He’d wanted Garak for nearly 4 years, and the thought of having him only once was beyond depressing.
Only two nights later, Garak broke in again. Julian had wanted to say something. He wanted to protest what was clearly becoming the pattern of this arrangement. He wanted to insist that this would be bad for his well being, and that he wasn’t at Garak’s beck and call for whenever the man wanted a quick fuck. He wanted to say he needed a bit more than this. Except he didn’t say any of that.
Instead they went to bed.
Julian decided it was high time to know what Garak tasted like. He put his month on Garak’s seeping slit, penetrating him slowly with his tongue. Garak let out soft breathy sighs, as he flushed a pleasing shade of blue. Julian found the taste incredibly pleasurable, a mix of sweet and musky which defied description. After several careful minutes of searching, Julian found the base of Garak’s prUt, a discovery which led to a quivering and undone Garak.
After he brought Garak to orgasm twice, he found he could no longer wait. He plunged himself into Garak with gusto. Elim’s bright blue eyes were on him as he rolled into him. After a moment he found he could not look at the man anymore, the intensity of the eye contact was too much. Instead he looked up at the head of the bed, focusing on the sensation until it overpowered him and he came.
Later, alone, he found himself fighting back tears.
Their lunches proceeded as normal, as if there had not been a tecktonic shift in their relationship. The only difference was Julian would suggest activities they could do together, and Garak as always would politely decline with some flimsy excuse or other. Julian rarely pressed him on the excuse. It didn’t matter what Garak said, what Garak meant was that he didn’t want to. Julian felt he shouldn’t have been surprised by that, but somehow it still hurt immensely. So he sat and talked and smiled with Garak as if nothing was wrong, feeling more miserable by the week.
During sex, Julian found himself getting more and more aggressive. If Garak noticed that Julian was stronger than a normal human, he said nothing. In fact he rarely said more than 10 words when they were in Julian’s quarters. He was merely pliant and complying under Julian’s touch. It was infuriating, only leading Julian to fuck him harder. This was also how Julian discovered Garaked liked him to bite and bite hard.
Worst of all, Julian found he often could not look at Garak while they did the deed. He would turn him around so he could not see his eyes. Garak for his part seemed to understand, always looking down as they fucked. This made it more convenient for them to fuck on the couch or for Julian to bend Garak over the table. It also meant not having to watch Garak bound out of bed the moment they were finished. That always seemed to send pangs through Julian. He always wanted to suggest Garak stay awhile, but everytime he opened his mouth to do so, he found the words die on his tongue, unuttered.
It had been nearly three months now, and Julian was keenly aware of Garak’s “schedule”. It was generally two to five days between visits, unless Julian was away of course. Julian never went to Garak. He waited for Garak to come to him. This was an unspoken agreement, that the timing of the sex was on Garak’s terms, and the pace of the act itself left to Julian’s discretion. He was at the same time in total control and completely powerless.
It had been four days, so Julian sat on the couch, not really reading his Cardassian literature and waiting. Sure enough at 22:00 sharp, Garak was there. Julian had given up and given him key code access the month before.
They didn’t even kiss anymore. Instead Julian pushed Garak down onto the couch, and straddled him, biting on Garak’s neck ridges as he did so. Their shirts came off quickly and Garak hissed in pleasure, flushing at the touch. Julian wished for the hundredth time that he had it in him to say no. But he wanted Garak, and their desperately platonic lunches weren’t making it any easier.
Julian continued to bite, all the while grinding his growing erection against Garak’s hips. Garak's hands wandered up to Julian’s hair. He played with it lazily as continued to moan at Julian’s attention. It felt criminally good, and sparked within Julian a bubble of rage. How dare Elim make him feel so good and so awful in turns. His thoughts raced and before he knew it he bit down too hard. Garak cried out in pain and Julian nearly jumped off him.
“Oh fuck! Garak, I’m so sorry!” Julian exclaimed.
“Really, Doctor, I’ve had much worse.” Garak smiled, looking up at Julian from his position on the couch with eyes that seemed to dance with mirth. His shoulder meanwhile slowly leaked blood.
Julian flew into doctor mode, running across the room to grab his medkit. He started by sanitizing the cut, and then grabbed the dermal regenerator. He passed it over the cut several more times than were strictly necessary, waiting for all hint of the wound to disappear.
“How does that feel?” Julian asked.
“Good as new, Doctor. Though I am sure it would have healed fine on its own.”
Julian wanted to say, called me Julian. Instead he grabbed Garak’s wrist pulling him off the couch and towards the bedroom. Garak sat on the edge of the bed, and they both divested themselves of their pants. Julian had found the sight of Garak’s dripping ajan enough to bring his ejection back, which had diminished considerably in the time necessary to heal Garak.
This time however, Julian found he didn’t have it in him to fuck Garak any way other than slowly. He kissed Garak deeply. Elim for his part didn’t protest, instead leaning into it as he hands rovered Julian’s back. When he finally entered him, he did so inch by inch, allowing himself to feel the friction of Garak’s tucked prUt against his cock. He rolled his hips slowly, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling and trying to let his mind go blank. Eventually, he went back to kissing Garak, and finally brought the Cardassian to a long and rolling orgasm. Julian finished several minutes later.
Julian laid down, exhausted in more ways than one. Garak laid beside him for a while, the length of their arms touching in a way that felt more vulnerable than anything they had done in the past three months.
After several minutes, Garak got up and put his pants back on. He was turning to leave when Julian spoke. .
“Garak, this has to be the last time. I can’t keep doing this.” He fought to keep the emotion out of his voice.
“I hope it’s not because of the bite,” Garak said, gesturing to his now healed shoulder. “I meant it when I said not to worry.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I understand, Doctor.” Garak nodded politely and just as quickly as he appeared, he was gone.
Alone, Julian folded into himself, and finally gave himself permission to cry. It came in great big heaving sobs.
Julian thought having ended their sexual relationship, he could go back to being friends with Garak. Instead he found increasingly that he didn’t want to see Garak and didn’t want to have lunch with him. Instead he found he preferred to spend more and more time at Quark’s cradling a glass of synthol. Quark, always one to spot an easy target, suggested a new holosuite program based on James Bond. It was easier to pay Quark’s exorbitant rates to engage in holosuit fantasies, than to deal with the questions from his friends or to get lunch with Garak.
Besides, the program was fun and distracting. The women were beautiful and always happy to see him. So here he was for the 4th time that week, shooting Falcon in the head with a champagne cork. Anything for the distraction.
“Bashir, Julian Bashir,” he said before kissing the holo woman. He was just thinking about what a poor substitute such a kiss was when he heard enthusiastic clapping, and looked up.
“Who’s that?” the woman asked.
“An uninvited guest,” Julian replied, feeling anger coil in his belly. “Excuse me.”
Julian walked towards Garak.
“Nice tux.” And it really was a nice tux. Julian hated how good Garak looked.
“Now get out.”
“But Doctor, I’ve only just arrived.”
“Breaking into a holosuite during someone’s program is not only rude, it’s illegal.” Julian could hear the frustration welling up in his voice, and did little to suppress it. “I should call Odo and have you arrested!”
“What an extreme reaction that would be. You must be very embarrassed by this program.” Garak’s voice was light and unaffected, seemingly unaware of Julian’s frustrations.
“I’m not embarrassed, Garak. I simply don’t want to see you.” Julian forced his voice to be hard and cold, sounding tougher and more stable than he felt.
Garak pursed his lips and looked Julian over.
“I was so hoping to avoid becoming your flavor of the month. But you’re clearly sick of me. I’m sorry to have disturbed you, Doctor.”
“Flavor of the month?” Julian sputtered at the accusation.
“I merely observed, Dr. Bashir, that your attachments tend to the short side. When things inevitably ended between us, I was hoping to remain friends.” Garak was so infuriatingly calm.
“I just don’t think I can be friends, Garak.” Julian shook his head and looked away.
“I see,” Garak replied, making no move to leave. Garak said nothing more, and Julian found he couldn’t help but fill the awkward silence that ensued.
“Come on, Garak. You wouldn’t even have dinner with me. How am I supposed to feel friendship for someone that treated me like that?” He meant to stop there, but then he never was very good at stopping. “It always felt so impersonal and more times than not I felt used after. And I couldn’t help but wonder if I wasn’t good enough for you somehow. That all you thought I was good for was some secret lay.”
Garak for his part looked horrified.
“Doctor that's not…” he began.
“And there’s another thing! Three months of sex and you still wouldn’t even call me Julian!”
“I didn’t want to imply more intimacy than was appropriate. You stopped looking at me while we fucked,” Garak said calmly. It wasn’t a question.
“You were just another person who decided I wasn’t good enough for them! You can’t imagine how often that seems to happen to me.”
“Doctor,” Garak began before correcting himself. “Julian, I believe I owe you an apology.”
Julian remained quiet, his expectations exceedingly low. Clearly, his afternoon in the holosuite was already ruined.
“I thought if I kept the nature of our relationship strictly sexual it would be easier to stay friends when it ended. I can see now this was a miscalculation. I hope you can forgive me.”
“You keep saying when it ended, as if it was a foregone conclusion that it would end.” Julian frowned.
“Forgive me Doctor, but in the time I’ve been on the station I’ve not seen you have a relationship make it past the six month mark. It would be foolish to think I would somehow be an exception, would it not?” Garak’s eyes fixed on Julian.
“You really don’t know?” Julian suppressed the laugh that threatened to bubble up through him at the absurdity of the situation.
“I usually don’t have a relationship that extends past a couple months because that’s how long it takes for them to realize I’m in love with you! You know Talia, the Jumba stick clerk? She told Jadzia she stopped seeing me when she knew I would never look at her the way I look at you! And then after years of hope to realize I was only ever going to be your secret. It was too much even for me, Garak.”
“Elim, call me Elim,” Garak replied, his voice pleading.
“Elim.. why ask that now?” Julian’s face scrunched in confusion.
“I think it would be an appropriate first step for someone who wanted to be my partner,” Garak explained gently.
“I thought you didn’t think of me like that.”
“Julian, I’ve done nothing but think of you like that for nearly 2 years,” said Garak, blushing slightly. “I was convinced it couldn’t last, and that any attempts to make our relationship a romantic one would ultimately result in my own heartbreak and an end to our friendship. That was an unacceptable outcome to me. Normally I would not have pursued you in any capacity, but when you looked at me at the festival, it was a moment of weakness. I was convinced we could carry on without my feelings being known.”
Julian stepped forward, wrapping Garak in a tight embrace.
“I’m not going to get tired of you,” Julian said softly into Garak’s ear.
“Nor I you,” Garak replied with a smile before reaching up to kiss Julian.