The most embarrassing thing about walking in on Cas, ass deep inside his brother -- besides you know, everything -- was that Sam didn’t see this coming at all. Sam hadn’t seen it coming to the point where he actually stood still long enough to see Cas coming.
That was around the point where Dean -- not Sam, thank you very much -- shrieked like a girl and Cas whirled around and sent Sam careening out of the room in a very rough, not gentle post-coital manner which was just so unfair because if Sam was going to be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of Cas’ O face he should at least get the rewards of being gently shoved out of the way.
Sam stayed down where he landed, unable to process the images currently playing on a loop in his head. It might be worse than remembering hell. He wasn’t sure. He considered bashing his head against the wall. He considered getting the holy water out and -- nope, nope, nope. Fuck that. Sam was absolutely not under any circumstances going back into that room --
“Sam?” Jack poked his head out. “Where’s Cas? Dean’s room?”
“No!” Sam blurted out. “I mean,” he took a breath and composed himself. “No!” he said, hysterically. Huh. Apparently he wasn’t as composed as he thought. Who knew! Who fucking knew!
“Oh,” Jack said. Then he looked at Sam and tried to mimic his posture, sticking his ass against the wall and splaying out his arms and legs. He held it for longer than Sam expected. “So.” Jack said. “Is this some kind of human thing? Cause I gotta tell you. It kind of hurts.”
“No,” Sam said. “I -- uh --” The next words that tumbled out of his mouth surprised Sam more than Jack. What Sam meant to say was that no, it wasn’t a human thing, he was just in shock. What he said was: “Dean’s homophobic.”
“Homophobic?” Jack asked.
“You know,” Sam babbled, inanely. “Hates gay people.”
“Gay people?” Jack asked.
Of course, Sam thought. Sometimes, Jack was an all powerful celestial being. And sometimes, Jack was two. Usually he was both but sometimes he was just two. Of course he hasn’t had the talk. Of course Dean and Cas, in all their infinite wisdom, didn’t bother to explain sexuality -- Sam closed his eyes. Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! “Yeah,” he said. “Gay people. They’re, um, people that experience attraction to someone of the same gender.”
“Gender?” Jack asked and Sam gave up.
“Let’s just --” he patted the floor next to him and slowly slid down. “Let’s just sit with Sam, okay?”
“Okay,” Jack said. “But I should tell you that I really need to find Cas because I have a question about something that came out of the toilet when I flushed it and I think the bunker might be flooding.”
Sam’s eye bugged out. He scrambled to his feet. “What? Jack, what came out of the toilet? Banshee? Changeling? Ghost -- give me a ballpark. Start with identifying features and --”
“Water,” Jack said. “I don’t think it was a supernatural creature. It’s just hard to remember to flush the toilet sometimes and I think it got too full?”
“Right,” Sam said. “Okay. I’ll -- let’s not bother Cas right now, okay? I’ll help you -- unclog the toilet.”
Jack beamed up at him. “Thanks, Sam!” and how the fuck was this fair that this was Sam’s life? Sam was a good kid. He did good in school. He listened. He gave women head almost as much as they gave him head. He knew about clitoral stimulation. He was even pretty sure it was at least as important as the G-spot. He’d even taken two queer theory classes in college and only one of them had been required! He saved the world. More than once! And now he was unclogging some pipes just that his brother could get his pipes unclogged -- by an Angel of the Lord, no less.
It was totally and completely unfair.
When Dean finally came out -- ha -- of his room, bright red and rumpled but otherwise no different than the last time Sam had seen him, the toilet was unclogged and Jack was outside doing target practice with the birds. This was a game Jack had invented with Dean where the two of them would lob pieces of bread in the middle of a group of pigeons and bet on which one would get it first. Jack liked to use his angel powers. Dean liked to call him a cheater and punch his shoulder. This, Sam supposed, was the least repressed way Dean could think of to instigate male bonding. It really wasn’t great, Sam thought, but Jack seemed to like it. Then again, Jack didn’t know any better. Sometimes, Sam felt bad for Jack.
Still. Sam would always have more time to sway him down the path of quinoa, NPR and healthy emotional outlets. He didn’t have a lot of hope but he did inherit the same can-do spirit that got Dean his GED. So he'd try but, between Cas I-learned-about-being-human-from-Dean-I’ve-turned-repression-into-an-art-form-Winchester and Dean-I’ve-turned-repression-into-an-art-form-Winchester himself, he thought he might be better off giving up now.
Still. Still. Still still still. When Dean -- emerged -- Sam was ready. He’d been thinking it over and he’d gotten a whole speech planned, starting with ‘You’re my brother and I love you’ and ending with ‘and that’s why we always, always lock the door’. It was a good speech. Sam had thought about writing it down, but Sam was a big boy. He was pushing forty. God. He was pushing forty. He didn’t need to write speeches down.
“Hey, Sam,” Dean grunted and went to the fridge without making eye contact.
Sam opened his mouth. “But I thought -- you’re homophobic,” he said and then stopped and closed his eyes. “I mean -- that’s not -- you’re my -- door, lock -- I love -- Dean,” he shoved out, sounding strangled. “I had a speech, I swear.”
“Nerd,” Dean smirked but he still wasn’t looking at Sam.
“It doesn’t change anything,” Sam said. He’d heard people say that on tv and he was pretty sure it was one of those important things you were supposed to say.
“Yeah?” Dean asked, and this time he looked Sam in the eye. Oh, score, Sam thought to himself. It totally was one of those important things you were supposed to say. God, he was crushing this.
“Yeah,” Sam said, because that was important. He tried to drill it into Dean’s face and it seemed to work because Dean relaxed, slightly. “I mean, I’m not going to say I wasn’t shocked --”
Dean shot him a look. “Dude, it’s Cas,” like that meant something to Sam. It didn’t. It meant nothing to Sam. In fact, it meant worse than nothing because every other time Dean had said this Sam had assumed he meant "it’s Cas" in the same way Sam did. As in, Cas is a brother to me, Sammy, just like you. Now, that little expression of Dean’s had taken on a new and horrifying light in the face of recent -- revelations.
“I didn’t even know you …” Sam paused. “Swung that way?”
“What, towards angels?” Dean asked.
“Towards men,” Sam clarified, incredulously.
It was Dean’s turn to frown. “But you didn’t -- you didn’t know?” he sputtered. “But -- what about when you joined that gay group in high school? Or when you met my -- this guy -- and told him, you know, that he shouldn’t let me treat him bad? Or those self-righteous fights you used to have with --”
“Dean,” Sam said slowly. “I was joking around. Or trying to piss off dad. And,” he added offhand, as an afterthought, “I mean, it was the right thing to do.”
Dean grunted a bit, but otherwise didn’t respond. He opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. Sam, starting to breath out his sigh of relief, wasn’t even surprised when Dean stopped.
“You really didn’t know?” Dean asked.
“I didn’t,” Sam told him.
“I thought you did.”
"Dean, no!" Sam snapped. "I didn't know!"
Dean took a sip of beer. “Just to piss off dad?”
“Yeah,” Sam confirmed honestly and carefully, looking at Dean. Dean, for his part, was taking another sip of beer.
“Okay,” Dean said. “Cool. I thought -- you know, doesn’t matter. I’m going to --”
“Dean, wait --” Sam said, but didn’t really have a follow up for when Dean actually waited. “I, uh, tried to, uh. In college. It didn’t. I didn’t … like. It.” He started and then immediately regretted it. “This is going poorly,” he told Dean.
Dean was gaping openly at him. “Are you trying to tell me about your college experimentation? Sam, what the fuck? Is that -- is that what you think you’re supposed to do when someone comes out to you?”
“Yes. No. No?” Sam wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, let alone what he was actually doing.
Dean was now openly laughing at Sam. “Sammy,” he said. “I can’t believe you made such a big deal about going to college only to completely waste it.”
“I didn’t completely waste it --”
“I bet you just sat in the library and studied,” Dean said and crossed his arms. “Didn’t even suck a dick. Probably didn’t even smoke weed. Definitely didn’t do any acid --”
Sam, practiced in years of not raising to Dean’s obvious bait, ignored this comment. “So,” he said. “You and men. Did dad know?”
Dean choked on his beer. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Were you there for those fights you used to have with dad about “those fucking queers”?” Dean asked. “I mean, I would have assumed you were there given that you started about half of them, but hey. What do I know? Apparently you were just doing those fights just for kicks.”
Sam winced. “Dean, I’m sorry --”
But Dean cut him off with a wave. “Nah. It is what it is, Sammy.”
“You didn’t deserve that --”
“Sammy,” Dean threatened.
“Alright,” Sam said. Then, as quickly as he could, he added “I love and accept you because you're my brother.”
Dean threw a towel at him.
Laughingly, Sam caught it easily.
“I’m not going to take away your ally of the year award, Sam,” Dean grumbled. “Don’t worry your pretty little head over it, okay?”
“I won’t, but Dean, I don’t understand. I know you thought I knew but why didn’t you ever talk about -- this -- with me?”
Dean shrugged, back shifting his weight around. “Figured you’d be gay about it,” he said.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to say things like that,” Sam said, frowning. “It’s --” But he pressed his lips shut because he definitely didn’t want to call Dean homophobic for a third time.
But Dean could clearly see where he was going with this. “Homophobic?”
Sam frowned. “Yeah,” he said. “I always thought you agreed with dad about that stuff.”
“I didn’t,” Dean said shortly.
“But you always --”
Dean sighed heavily. “Yeah, Sammy. I always.”
“Why didn’t I defend -- to dad? Or why didn’t I ever argue back with dad in general?”
“Dad was doing his best,” Dean said. “You know that. Didn’t want --” Dean dropped his gaze. “Me and dad --” Dean cleared his throat. “We weren’t like you and dad.” Sam pulled his eyebrows together in concern. “You know I -- you know he’d send me away sometimes. I mean, you know that. But, uh.” Dean said. “When I screwed up hunts or -- with you. There wasn’t a lot of leeway, with dad. And I couldn’t risk that, Sammy. Leave you alone? No friggin way, alright? Not even a question.”
“No, it was fine,” Dean said. “I mean, it was my fault a lot of the time, you know? And it sucked, but I had to learn somehow, right?” Dean said. “Anyway, I ain’t talking about that. I’m just saying -- I didn’t think dad was perfect. But he was our dad. Family. And you can go ahead and scoff, but that means something to me. Even if it ain’t perfect.”
“Dean --” Sam said, heart caught in his throat. A wave of something crashed through him and briefly, painfully, Sam wished he’d yelled at their dad just a bit more back then.
Dean shut him down with a wave of his hand. “There you go.” He shrugged, clearly uncomfortable, and Sam didn’t really know what else to say to that. So it was good that Cas took that moment to show up.
“Dean,” he said, with a glance up and down Sam’s brother and -- ew.
“How long has this been going on?” Sam blurted out without meaning to. Oh. This was fun. Apparently this was something he was still doing. Just. Blurting out things.
Cas tilted his head. “Do you mean my sexual congress with Dean?”
“Dude,” Dean said. “You have got to stop referring to it as sexual congress.”
Cas frowned. “I don’t understand. You liked it earlier --” Dean went bright red and Sam fell sideways out his chair. Cas, in a jolt, was at Sam’s side. Along with Dean.
“Are you all right?” Cas asked.
“Yeah, buddy,” Sam said. “Just go light on the sex-life-with-my-brother details, kay?”
“I do not understand. Is it not a human bonding ritual to share in stories of each other’s sexual lives? Humans do this often on Netflix.”
“Yeah, but he’s my brother,” Sam said.
“I don’t want Sammy hearing any of this shit,” Dean said at the same time, still bright red. Cas, of course, deferred to Dean, completely ignoring Sam now. Sam resisted the urge to impale himself on the counter.
“Of course,” he said. Then he turned back to Sam. “I told Dean that you were unaware of our relationship but he didn’t believe me. I suppose this means I have ‘won’.” He was still looking at Dean but the expression on his face was starting to make Sam regret consuming food this morning.
“Cas, buddy?” Sam said, through gritted teeth.
Dean snickered. “Aw, Sammy,” he said. “Are you uncomfortable?”
“No!” Sam said.
“Because we can always go back to hiding it. If it makes you uncomfortable. If you’re uncomfortable with physical displays of affection between two men --”
“God, I should’ve known you would be an asshole about coming out.”
“Technically,” Castiel said, “We did not “come out”. You “came in”.”
“Okay,” Dean said, reaching across Sam to swat at Cas’ hands. “We’re not doing air quotes anymore, okay?”
“Oh, do I not use them “adequately”?”
Dean laughed loudly. “No,” he said. “You “do not”.”
Sam frowned at them. “I still have questions --” he started to ask, but was interrupted by Jack entering the room.
“Hey, cocksucker,” Jack announced brightly to Dean as he sauntered in with a wide innocent grin, effectively halting all conversation in the room.
“Jack!” seemed to come from Cas, who was looking at the boy, completely flabbergasted.
Jack was unperturbed. “Did I get it wrong?” He asked. He pursed his lips. “Sam was explaining to me how Dean hated gay people. I wanted it to be a surprise treat for him. The internet had a bunch of other suggestions, like fruit and f --”
“No!” Sam and Cas yelled at once while Dean remained frozen completely still.
Jack stopped. He frowned. “Sam?” he asked. “Is that not how you be homophobic?”
Dean’s laugh shocked them all.
“Yeah, Sam,” Dean said, finally reacting, licking his lips and turning to face Sam. Bastard was clearly repressing some sort of smirk. “How would you say that Jack is doing? At being homophobic? Would you say that you’re doing a good job teaching him homophobia or --”
“Dean,” Cas said. “This isn’t funny.”
“Funny?” Dean asked. “This is frigging hilarious.”
Sam frowned. “Dean, I am so sorry,” he said, very seriously. “I just assumed you were homophobic, which is wrong of me. It’s only because you --” but Sam didn’t know how to finish that sentence other than with ‘said homophobic things near constantly for my entire life which I did not realize was clearly some sort of deep seat internalized issue slash cry for help’ which didn’t seem like it would help defuse the situation.
“Dean is homophobic,” Cas agreed. “I understand your confusion Sam.”
“Dude!” Dean said, from the fridge.
Cas ignored him, turning instead to Jack. “It is a bad thing to hate gay people,” Cas told the all-powerful being seriously. “They cannot help it.”
“You make me sound like I’m not toilet trained,” Dean said, which is a way more vivid reminder of toilets and shit than Sam wanted to hear today. Today, Sam decided, was simply Not His Day.
“You?” Cas asked. “We.”
“Oh,” Dean said, and looked down. “Us?”
“Yes. Us. I could no more help loving you than you can help your innate sexual orientation.”
Dean smiled quietly, like he wasn’t sure he was allowed, while Cas stared at Dean like he was trying to pound into him with eye power alone. Sam seriously reconsidered his stance on gay rights.
After a few minutes of this, Jack turned to Sam and said, in a low voice, “I don’t understand. Dean is a gay person? Even though he doesn’t like them? Is this what gay people are like all of the time?”
Sam mulled it over. “Yeah,” he said. “They’re pretty insufferable.”
Dean flipped him the middle finger without taking his eyes off Cas and Sam grinned back. Sam was starting to feel surprised that he was surprised in the first place.
“Okay,” Jack told Sam brightly. “I’m glad to hear that, cocksuckers. I’m going to go back to my room and Google more ways to be homophobic --”
“Jack!” Sam said. “Don’t -- don’t do that.”
Jack frowned. “I don’t understand. Dean is homophobic. But also it’s bad to be homophobic? But also he’s a gay person? But I can’t be homophobic to bond with Dean? Maybe I’m a gay person.”
“You probably could,” Cas pointed out philosophically. “Dean has bonded homophobically with many men.” Cas plowed on, ignoring Dean’s squawking behind him. “He only had sex with a few of them, though. But you shouldn’t.”
“Why?” Jack said.
“I think Sammy should answer,” Dean said. “Considering this is his stupid fault.”
“I have already seen you naked today, Dean,” Sam said in a concerningly high voice. “I think that I have been suitably punished for any transgressions --”
“See?” Jack said. “I don’t get it! Sam gets to be mean to Dean about sleeping with Cas but everytime I say cock --”
“I get yelled at,” Jack finished.
Sam licked his lips. “That’s because there are words that hurt people and those that don’t. So, for example, my words don’t hurt Dean because he knows I love him and a couple of other reasons.”
“Dean, I love you,” Jack said. “Can I call you gay slurs now?”
“Sure,” Dean said and when both Cas and Sam turned to him dumbfounded, he added: “What? He loves me, it’s fine.”
“This better not be some self-hatred bullshit Winchester nonsense --” Sam started.
“I just don’t care, Sam,” Dean told him. “Hell, Cas ain’t even a man.”
“I am a celestial wavelength of intent,” Cas confirmed.
“See?” Dean asked. “You try labeling that shit, alright, and you see what side of Pluto you end up on. Besides. Jack’s had a tough life. I think he’s earned it.”
“I hate you,” Sam said. “That’s not even how -- homophobia isn’t a reward for -- childhood trauma --”
“Cocksucker,” Jack said, happily.
“Stuff it, Samantha,” Dean said, giving Jack an encouraging thumbs up.
“You are all children,” Cas said, but he was smiling and everyone else was smiling and he couldn’t help but feel like they were home, with their family.
Of course, it was a lot less cute when they were in the grocery story and Jack was explaining everything to the cashier who looked torn between whether she should call CPS or the police first.