Everybody's surprised – and rightfully so! – when rumors arrive that Iwa-chan gets a girlfriend.
Of course, it's not like he's sulking or anything – while, yes, okay, most of the rumors actually start from him, this one didn't, and that's suspicious and just the littlest bit annoying.
He doesn't investigate or do anything really – because hello, he's not interested in false news that has nothing to do with him and nothing to do for him. Iwa-chan finally scoring against his so-very-sad tally of zero across the girlfriend department is not even in the top ten things of interest of a normal person – it's not even in the top one million in his priorities.
So, yes, he definitely doesn't investigate.
But the news persists and spreads and it's their second period already and it's like everyone knows?
He almost loses it when Makoto-kun gives him a sympathetic look (whatever for—it's not like Iwa-chan's imaginary girlfriend is prettier than any of the members of his fan club, not that he has met all of them, but he has faith in the people who like him, he believes that they are above-average in looks at the very least).
His patience is tested when Azumi-chan sidles up close to him like they're friends and asks him for the juicier details about Iwa-chan's not-real girlfriend (it's very annoying that she thinks he will spill all about Iwa-chan's still-not-real-girlfriend just because he has zero filters about the things he blurts about Iwa-chan: like that time that Iwa-chan had a huge hole in his boxers and he flashed everyone in Oikawa's house, like that time that Iwa-chan cried because he accidentally crushed a caterpillar because he's a dumb muscle brute who doesn't even shed a tear when it's him who he's punching).
Also, it's not like his annoyance stems from the fact that it's been two periods and Iwa-chan's conveniently been called to the faculty office, leaving him alone to field all the questions from nosy highschoolers that are honestly not better than bloodhounds when it comes to what passes for gossip these days.
It's not like he's mad or anything that Iwa-chan didn't even tell him.
(Like, come on, if that """"girlfriend"""" was real, Iwa-chan would surely have so many ways he could have told him??? Their bedroom windows are right across from each other, they can basically climb unto each other's bedroom while even half-drunk, not that they've tried that or anything, they have multiple copies of the other's house keys, they're friends on every social media site, they're not even speed dial one because they've already memorized each other's numbers.)
It's not like Iwa-chan's hiding this from him, is he???
They haven't had secrets from each other (welllll, aside from that time yesterday when he downplayed the number of minutes he spent watching the video recording of their future college team's matches – and maybe also that time when he got hungry and ate the agedashi tofu set aside for Iwa-chan's study break, and also that one time when he had denied the existence of his milk bread emergency storage closet, and also—) in years.
How dare this non-existent girlfriend change that?!
He ends up yelling in frustration – not that he'll ever admit that it's due to frustration, it's just the heat, the thermostat isn't working very well, that's all – when their teacher, Maezono-sensei congratulates him on Iwa-chan's behalf.
"IWA-CHAN DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, URGHHH—"
He didn't yell during second period.
He also didn't subtly ask Kuwata-kun to spy on the spread of the rumors to the other classes. He's just kind of interested about the mechanics of gossip transfer and see if it's exacerbated by the heat – maybe do a research on how the increased temperature stimulate the molecules in the air to convince H.sapiens sapiens students to be more creative in hiding their notes from the hawk-like eyes of their teachers. Oh, who is he kidding, he just wants to know if other classes are already aware of the false information.
He also didn't pace back and forth in front of the faculty office during what should have been a bathroom break. Maezono-sensei can say whatever he wants, but he's not spying on Iwa-chan, goodness. Who would want to spy on a brutish guy like him???
He's not interested in finding out more about the girlfriend, but since:
(1) He's a good friend and good friends care about girlfriends, so he can criticize Iwa-chan's taste
(2) He has retired from volleyball club and he needs something more exciting than flash-cards and cram-school in his afternoons
(3) He's kind of burned through all of his recorded volleyball matches already and no volleyball until college starts makes him antsy
(4) IWA-CHAN DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, DAMNIT UGHHHHH
His sister – who's working in Kyoto – apparently also knows about that stupid, false rumor.
She's also very enthusiastic about disrupting his complaints about stupid girls who influence stupid friends to do stupid things by not admitting their stupid life choices to their wonderful best friends. She's also very adamant in telling him all about skirts, skirts, skirts – like, why would he want to know about that? He hasn't been interested in her skirts for a very long time and Iwa-chan's stupid life choices and stupid convenient disappearances are not going to change that.
"Aw, Tooru, I heard that she has killer legs that look good in checkered skirts?"
"IWA-CHAN DOESN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND," he repeats for probably the hundredth time in the past six hours. He repeats it again, with great feeling, when his sister only coos at him like his face is filled with snot and she somehow finds that grossly adorable. "AND EVEN IF HE DID. IF. I SURELY HAVE BETTER LEGS THAN HER."
"…how can you be so sure, Tooru? You haven't even seen her."
He throws the phone across the room.
Thanks to Kindaichi – who is a wonderful kouhai who knows how to follow a good senpai's orders – he learns that Iwa-chan's supposed to have a date with his STILL-NOT-REAL-GIRLFRIEND next Saturday.
Date details arrive courtesy of the equally-wonderful Kunimi – who gladly, silently, accepts the envelope filled with his savings for the year.
Matsukawa and Hanamaki are more content to laugh at him from a distance, but who cares about them??? They don't even have fake girlfriends, and it's not like they even have a single fan, SO THERE. Yahaba and Watari are much better – not as good as his accomplices though – because they actually not-so-subtly pass him the girly magazines he had asked for with very minimal judging in their eyes.
Of course, he could have just asked his sister for the magazines, but they're not on speaking terms now, because she still holds a grudge over him throwing the phone in the middle of their conversation – like, how childish is she, ugh.
Friday night has no Iwa-chan, but it's not like he's mad or lonely or anything???
It's not like they've actually made actual plans of spending their Friday nights together watching alien film reruns while huddled together in his futon.
It's just that it's practically tradition, but trust Iwa-chan to be so senile that he actually forgets about something that's been happening every single Friday for ten years.
But then again, there are no actual plans.
Plus, his phone is ringing non-stop with various emails, so it's not like he has no other friends – it's more like, he has too many of them, this is such a difficult life. Of course, he browses through the messages after sighing deeply at the clock for two hours (his father has asked him very politely and very sternly to please keep his sighing to a minimum, he's too noisy).
He thinks of replying to them, but the messages are getting kind of repetitive and weird. He also doesn't want to play favorites by only replying to a couple of them? And he surely doesn't want to encourage his fans to bombard his phone with messages, because that's one of the top things that Iwa-chan hates.
But then again, if Iwa-chan can have fake girlfriends that he goes out on dates on Friday nights and Saturdays too, when does she find the time to study for college, what a slacker—well, he can surely have his phone-pals then?
Of course, it's just his luck that he scrolls right into an email from Ushiwaka-chan—
(1) how does he even have his number
(2) he has very concerned feelings about this breach of privacy
(3) oh, he probably has his phone number posted on his facebook profile huh
(4) wow, Ushiwaka-chan sounds constipated even over a text message
—Ushiwaka-chan, who tells him that eating vegetables rich in Vitamin E is a must if he wants to maintain good legs.
It's kind of creepy – because Ushiwaka-chan isn't exactly a good authority on good legs???
Also, how the hell do other schools even know about his plan to crash Iwa-chan's date tomorrow???
[ bakageyama doesnt wanna admit it but you prolly have killer legs ]
Aw, he knew there was a reason why he liked that shrimpy better than Tobio-chan.
[ Oikawa-san, you're being weird again. You're lucky Iwaizumi-san likes you. ]
Well of course, Iwa-chan likes him!
(Even if he's only ever good enough for a 'Best Setter' award and he's not even good enough for a second place.)
Geniuses really don't understand.
He deletes Tobio-chan's message, but not before sending shrimpy a photo-message of Tobio-chan's drenched puppy look after their swim during their summer camp in middle school.
[ so i heard from bokuto that you finally snapped. pics or it didn't happen! ]
He's not even sure how other captains from far-away schools have his number and how they know about his plans – they're not close, and they're supposed to be studying for college, just like him.
He deletes Kuroo's message and cringes before deleting the following message (too much exclamation points!!!) from Bokuto.
Saturday finally comes.
He's fashionably late but Iwa-chan's date is apparently not punctual at all because Iwa-chan's all by his lonesome while leaning standing in front of a DVD rental store. He's very tempted to criticize Iwa-chan's tastes about dating locations – honestly, who would prefer to have a date in front of a DVD-rental store, when they could have gone for a movie, followed by a café, then ugh, you're such a dweeb, Iwa-chan.
It's not even cold, so he moves towards Iwa-chan with a bounce in his step, the brown checkered skirt from Aobajousai swishing on his thighs. He worries for a moment if Iwa-chan will suddenly try to find him at school – why did he even think borrowing his sister's uniform from her time in Seijou to be a good idea, what if Iwa-chan falls for his skirt-wearing self and tries to find him, his heart will be broken and then it will be hard to control his giggling when that happens… - but then he realizes that Iwa-chan's too dumb to actually think about two-timing. He's all about loyalty and setting his heart upon one person and such (or at least, that's what Iwa-chan told him during their sleepover last year).
He sashays towards Iwa-chan – making sure that his skirt bounces nicely along with his curly-haired wig. His legs are shaved smooth and he knows that the people surrounding them are thinking that he's got killer legs.
He has practiced his lines in front of his very supportive (if not a bit resigned and bemused) mother, and he has practiced how to pitch his voice lower but softer so he can pass for a deep-voiced girl. He's not exactly sure what he's hoping to accomplish after this – aside from proving to Iwa-chan that he has better legs than any girlfriend he can even hope to have – but five steps away from Iwa-chan is not the best place to start questioning himself.
His eyes widen when his instinctive greeting slips out instead of any of his practiced lines. He recovers fairly quickly, because he's nothing if not resourceful and adaptable, but—
"You're late, shittykawa."
And Iwa-chan holds out his hand and grabs him by the elbow after a few seconds of wide-eyed gaping.
After a few moments, he chuckles and shakes off Iwa-chan's hold on his elbow, so they can hold hands instead.
He feels really ridiculous right now, but he's nothing if not adaptable.
"…I knew you didn't have a girlfriend, Iwa-chan."
"I got someone more troublesome."
"And you looooove it that way~"
And Iwa-chan is stupidly honest sometimes, a lot of times, because there really are no secrets between them.
"…I guess I do."
"…thanks, Sugawara. I won't ask how you knew this would work."
When Iwaizumi had spoken to Kageyama about his troubles of how to let the weirdly-oblivious dumbass understand his feelings, Iwaizumi hadn't counted on Kageyama introducing him to the devious Sugawara who had offered the strange plan to trigger Oikawa's realizations.
"Well, a friend of mine suggested it, and it worked for me and Daichi, so—"
"Shimizu, you really should start selling your matchmaking idea, you know. It apparently worked for Seijou's—"
"Iwaizumi and Oikawa, yes, I saw it on the… website. …Also, who says I haven't yet?"
Come Monday, nobody's surprised – and rightfully so! – when rumors arrive that Iwa-chan gets a boyfriend.
After all, unlike a certain person, everybody knew it was coming.
(But Oikawa finds it hard to care, because he's the one who spread this news this time.)