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Look at my heart (don't loose yourself in its shades)

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Meredith comes to the hospital with cheecks burning with shame and eyes filled with tears and humiliation.

At home there is Izzie, dressed like a princess, lying on the bathroom floor whit a broken heart and face stained whit tears and make-up. She should be with her, trying to cheer her up, to make her understand that tragedies happen but life goes on and this isn't a reason enough to give up.

It would be a great speech if only she would be able to translate thoughts into words, to explain when she isn't even sure to understand.

She can't help Izzie because she is too messed up, because when Denny was dying she was doing, consciously, an unforgivable thing, because now she is at the hospital, protected by her white lab coat, and her black lace panties are hidden away in her locker under a moltitude of other things.

-Addison- she calls in a whisper and she trembles when she meets her eyes. She sees her tilting her head and dropping her shoulders in a move that betrays all her exhaustion, and Meredith knows she is the last person Addison wants to see, but she is here and she has to do it. She has to tell her even if it won't change anything.

-I'm sorry-.

Addison looks at her intensely before closing her eyes, throwing her head back and laughing. It's an histarical laugh, soon accompanied by the tears she promised not to shed, not for a marriage finished for years, not for a man who hasn't have the courage to tell her of his new betrayal.

-You're sorry, Grey? Now, you're sorry? Not yesterday night, right? -. She comes near her with a labored breath caused by the tears, the laugh and the fact she is at the point of screaming. Meredith opens her mouth to answer, to tell her that she is sorry, yes, that she tried to stop Derek, to tell him what they were doing was wrong... But she can't speak and she sees something breaking in Addison's eyes.

-That's all, Grey. I want a divorce and then he will be yours-.

There is exhaustion in these words, an uncertainty that breaks Meredith's heart. This isn't the woman she has met only months before, the one who waltzed in the hospital like she owned it, with the perfect dress and the perfect hairs and the confidence owned only by those who are sure to win.

She isn't Satan anymore and Meredith hates herself for delivering the death blow, for breaking her like this, without even noticing.

-Go away, Grey. Go away from my sight. You own me at least this-.


Meredith does as she has been told and stays away from Addison all day long, until she comes back home to Finn who is waiting for her, Izzie who has came out of the bathroom and has changed her clothes and her friends who are preparing Shiva for Denny.

It's a weight lifted from her shoulders but not from her heart, because Addison eyes are still engraved in her mind.

She didn't want to hurt her but she knows this isn't important, that what is done is done and a gesture is worth more than a thousand words.

She didn't stop Derek. She is at fault, too.

-Are you alright? -. Cristina gives her a bottle of Tequila and waits patiently for an answer Meredith isn't sure she can provide, at least while she's still sober.

-I met Addison-

-Did she make your life Hell? You can't be surprised, she is Satan after all-

-Don't call her that. She isn't Satan, on the contrary. She gave up, Cristina. She came here combative, ready to win Derek back, and instead between us all we managed to destroy her-

-And this concerns us because... -

-Because I didn't want to hurt her, to break her, to became a dirty mistress. But now they are divorcing and she is all alone-

-And McDreamy will be all yours-

-It's what she told me... Immediately before begging me to stay away from her-

-Well, you have even the ex-wife's blessing! Now you only have to choose beetwen McDreamy and McVet-.

Meredith nods uncertain. The truth is she hasn't thought about Derek and Finn if not only for a few seconds and if before this would have make her paranoid now it's not important. Maybe tomorrow morning, when life will be a little bit normal, when Izzie will live again, when she will feel a little less guilty over Addison.