Deep Space Depravities Volume VDXLIX: Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp-she-bomp?
In this special edition of Your Necro/Cav Questions Answered we bring you the transcript from the highly-anticipated live interview with Hawk and Nav, conducted in a private studio by medical expert and friend-of-the-column Dr. Sexpal. To protect the anonymity of all involved, no identifying details have been recorded, but rest assured the words and events have been transcribed faithfully to the fullest degree possible.
Hawk and Nav sit side by side on a couch in a small recording studio. Hawk sits primly upright, hands on lap, while Nav lounges spread-kneed, one arm behind her head and the other stretched behind Hawk along the top of the couch. A flick of someone’s hand enters the frame, as of someone adjusting their glasses, and then the voice of Dr. Sexpal comes from just beyond the camera’s view.
DR. SEXPAL: It’s good to see you both today. I’ll admit I was surprised you agreed to do a live taping of the column. What gave you the idea?
NAV: This is what the readers want, and I love giving the readers what they want.
HAWK: I don’t care what the readers want, to be frank, but…Nav asked me very nicely.
Nav looks directly into the camera and drops her tone suggestively, quirking one eyebrow up as she speaks.
NAV: Readers, I can be very persuasive when I want to be.
HAWK: [to Nav, crisply] And she promised she’d be on her best behavior.
NAV: Joke’s on you because my best behavior has only ever been so-so.
Hawk stares unblinking at Nav, expression inscrutable.
NAV: [placating] Okay, okay I will put on my serious face! Let’s answer some questions, shall we?
DR. SEXPAL: Indeed, let’s. Our first question comes from reader "Underpaid_chaperone." They write: 'My cavalier appears bored with the daily routine in our House. I’m sorry that we aren’t from the Fourth where she can wave her sword around importantly all day, but the truth is my duties run in a scholarly direction and I don’t know what to do for her.'
HAWK: I can answer this one. This will be a relatable situation for many necromancers. I, too, dislike disruptions to my routine while Nav becomes bored with routine. What I’ve done to alleviate the problem is to schedule spontaneous events for her throughout the week.
NAV: You do know that what you’ve described is the literal opposite of spontaneity, right? Also, I’m kind of feeling lied to right now.
HAWK: Spontaneity is a five-syllable word, Nav, of course I know what it means. And, to your point, the events I schedule aren’t spontaneous to me, they’re spontaneous to you and that’s what matters.
NAV: That’s…wow. I imagine this is what it feels like to find out the Tooth Fairy isn’t real…if I’d ever been allowed to believe in the Tooth Fairy, that is.
HAWK: What good is lying to children about where their teeth go? Primary teeth are extremely valuable resources; our House catalogued and stored them meticulously. There’s a whole vault in our former House just for that purpose.
NAV: Okay, rewind. Worse than finding out there’s no Tooth Fairy is finding out your baby teeth were hoarded for depraved necromantic magicks instead. What did you do with mine, grind them to dust and sprinkle them on the great aunts when they were well-behaved?
HAWK: [haltingly] No, yours I…kept.
NAV: Sorry, what?
Hawk’s cheeks color very slightly.
HAWK: I said I kept them. I had many ideas of how I was going to use them to get a rise out of you, so I kept them on me, and then one year turned to another and, well…
Hawk twists a bracelet on her wrist, a thin bangle marbled slightly with rust-red bands, as of enamel streaked with dried blood.
HAWK: They’re right here.
Nav stares down at the bangle.
NAV: I don’t know whether I’m deeply touched or mega grossed out. [she pauses, miming deep thought with a hand on her chin] No, wait, it’s both. Definitely both.
DR. SEXPAL: Did you say your House has vaults filled with generations’ worth of archived primary teeth? Going back how far, would you say…?
NAV: [quickly, interrupting] No, nerds. We’re moving on. Next question.
DR. SEXPAL: [reluctantly] Quite right. "Too_Crowded_4_Comfort" writes: 'My necromancer is always in my personal space. I feel as if I am constantly tripping over her, or bumping into her, or trying to get things done by working around her. I’ve heard of people who are joined at the hip, but this is getting ridiculous.'
NAV: I’ll answer that one. 'Crowded,’ your heat is too low.
Hawk gives Nav a quizzical scowl.
DR. SEXPAL: Please elaborate?
NAV: As I’ve often discussed in the column, necromancers have crap insulation and can’t keep warm. If your necromancer is constantly hanging around you, the ambient heat is probably too low. Turn it up a few degrees and you will probably notice a decline in the amount she is clinging to you.
HAWK: Nav, necromancers aren’t cold-blooded reptiles looking for a sunny rock.
NAV: You do this exact thing when it’s cold in our house. Next time you crawl into my lap with complete disregard for my need to concentrate on shooting people in video games – you have ruined many win streaks I might add – I am going to pull a reading from the house thermometer for you.
The voice of Cam is heard from off-camera
CAM: What winning streaks?
NAV: [scowling to the left, at a point off-stage] Can it, Cam.
DR. SEXPAL: Ahem. How about another reader question? "Sandpaper" writes: 'I need some skin care tips. Whenever it’s cold I have a hard time keeping my cavalier’s hands from becoming dry and cracked, and it’s draining my energy to close the little cuts all the time. We need a better moisturizing routine. Please help.'
HAWK: I can handle this one. Nav has very sensitive skin—
NAV: [interrupting] Oy, I do not!
Hawk places one hand gently on Nav’s cheek, running her thumb over the skin.
HAWK: [teasing] Smooth and sensitive as a baby’s bottom—
NAV: [petulantly] No! If, by "sensitive," you mean "breaks out under ten layers of grease paint" then sure, fine, I have sensitive skin. Anyone who isn’t a witch or a monitor lizard is going to break out under that kind of treatment.
HAWK: [continuing to run her hand over Nav’s face] Nav has both sensitive skin and a sensitive ego. As for your question, ‘Sandpaper,’ I would carefully abrade off the dead skin, moisturize, and cover. I believe gloves are standard for dueling, and those will do. You’re quite right to pay attention to the condition of your cavalier’s hands, as they are quite necessary for their duties.
NAV: Hands are important to our professions and [grinning] our extracurriculars.
HAWK: [indignant] Nav!
NAV: It’s the modern age, Hawk. Of course all my favorite activities are digital.
HAWK: [to Dr. Sexpal] Are you going to edit out all this suggestive filth?
DR. SEXPAL: [apologetic] No edits, I’ve been told. And it is, after all, an adult magazine…
Hawk sighs audibly.
NAV: Well, that sure is handy for me.
Hawk and Dr. Sexpal groan in unison.
HAWK: Next question, for the love of Sanctus.
DR. SEXPAL: Yes. Oh, now here’s a question I’d like to hear you answer. "PrincessPaparazzi" writes 'Oh. Em. Gee. The tabloids have been screaming that you two were on the unreleased guest list of the closed-door, invitation-only dinner party at the royal palace on Ida three months ago—the very same party where both Her Divine Highness, Light of Sanctus, Sword and Savior of the Nine Houses AND Her Highness the Empress of the Hallowed Lands Beyond the River were also rumored to be. Did you meet them?!!?!!' There are a lot of exclamation points and question marks here. I’ve done my best to convey that with my voice. So, how about it, you two?
HAWK: Firstly, those titles are ridiculous and inaccurate, seeing as we are now governed by the Federation of the Nine Houses and not by goddess-emperesses. Secondly, there is absolutely no way it would be permissible for us to even entertain the thought of answe—
NAV: [interrupting] Yeah we were totally there and Her Divine Highness is both devilishly handsome and devastatingly funny.
HAWK: If Her Divine Highness were there, her jokes were only lukewarm in any case.
NAV: Not even the joke about the—?
HAWK: Not even that one. I admit she is somewhat handsome, albeit in a tall, rakish kind of way. [pause] If you’re into that kind of thing.
NAV: [hesitantly] Well…aren’t you?
HAWK: [airily] Maybe.
NAV: Oh, were you more into The Empress, then?
HAWK: No. [a pause, then, curiously] Were you?
NAV: Yeah. She’s kind of terrifying, but like, I think it’s super hot.
HAWK: [carefully neutral] We’ll have to talk about that later.
NAV: [blushing] Right. Right. Um, in conclusion, they’re both really sexy and it’s a shame more people haven’t ever seen them, but like, they’re mostly just like regular people. Or like, super-people. Okay they’re kind of like gods but if gods were really chill. Or like…
HAWK: Don’t hurt yourself, Nav. I don’t think readers of pornographic magazines are here for the theological-political discourse.
NAV: What? I totally bought these for the articles back in the day.
HAWK: Of course you did.
NAV: Oh? What did you buy that recent edition of Deep Space Depravities issue for, then? The one where you discovered the column?
HAWK: …the articles.
DR. SEXPAL: You know, I was also at the party but I had to spend most of my time keeping the Princess of Ida from dissecting my cavalier. Someone planted some pickles on her that the hostess took deep offense to. What do you think about that?
NAV: [smirk] I think Cam should be more vigilant.
CAM: [lowly] Better be vigilant yourself.
HAWK: [quickly] How about another question?
DR. SEXPAL: Our time is almost up, so here is the last question. “Isthisnormal” writes to ask: 'How do I know if my necromancer is happy?'
NAV: That one’s a bit hard to quantify, but you can kind of just tell. If they’re alert, eating and drinking normally or normal-ish, and going about their routines, they’re probably fine, but it’s kind of a gut thing. Or, alternately, you can just ask. Like this. Hey, Hawk?
Hawk has gone still.
HAWK: [quietly, cautiously] Yes?
NAV: Are you happy with me?
HAWK: [still quiet] How can you ask me such a thing?
Nav leans down until her forehead rests against Hawk’s.
NAV: Just like this. Are you happy with me?
Hawk’s eyes flick up to meet Nav’s.
HAWK: You are the light by which I see.
NAV: So...is that a yes?
HAWK: You’re insufferable.
NAV: [grinning] Yeah. I love you, too.
Nav slides her arm down to wrap around Hawk’s smaller shoulders, pulling her close against her side and then looking up and into the camera.
NAV: See? Sometimes using your words is good, and for everything else, there are swords. I hope, dear readers, that you have enjoyed this special interview.
DR. SEXPAL: I’m quite sure the readers will enjoy this very much. Now, about those archives of teeth…
The audio begins to fade as the camera zooms out to show Dr. Sexpal seated opposite Hawk and Nav in the small recording studio, additional cameras and audio equipment spread about the space. Cam stands cross-armed at the back of the doctor’s chair, looking bemused at the conversation. The two necromancers gesture as they speak inaudibly while Nav pulls exaggerated faces of disgust at the two of them. The scene fades to black and the video ends.
This is the end of the transcript of the live recorded interview with Hawk and Nav. Thank you for reading, and we’ll see you all next issue.