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A Bicycle Built For Peter

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The day was warm and mild. Almost everyone who was anyone was getting their bicycles ready in Quahog. Peter included. Cruising down the neighborhood streets on his bicycle Peter was having the time of his life.

"Rolling! Rolling! Rolling! Rolling! Rolling! Rolling! Keep those doggies moving! RAWHIDE!" Peter sang. His hands weren't even on the handle bars. Also, Peter didn't have his feet on the pedals. Lois and Brian were watching him. "Peter! Be careful!" Lois calls out. "Yeah, stop making an ass of yourself!" Brian said.

"Relax, I know exactly what I'm doing! Besides, I'm practicing for Bike Day tomorrow!" Peter tells them. Bike Day was a day in Quahog where everybody rides their bikes to places instead of using cars, all for a good cause. It was to raise money to help the Ozone Layer for a Cleaner Environment.

Brian tells Lois, "Bike Day is a very important day. It's a good thing one day out of the year, we don't use those cars that pollute the air. Hope Peter doesn't dare do anything to embarrass us!" " YES! I know how much the environment means to you. It's not even Earth Day." Lois gruffs.

Peter stands on top of his bike, "Check me out! I'm George of The Jungle! George! George! George of the Jungle......."

What Peter didn't know was he was about to crash into a tree. Both Lois and Brian shout at him, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!"

Peter's bike crashed into a tree, it broke into pieces. It sent Peter flying over Quahog. "WWWWWEEEEEE! This is a blast!" Peter's flight landed him in a strip club where the strippers were dancing on the bar tops. Peter landed face first on the floor of the strip club. The skin on his face was torn down to the skull. Peter looks up at the strippers and asks, "Hey, girls! Am I on the set of Coyote Ugly? Got some beer?"

The strippers scream at Peter's torn up face and run away. "Well then. I won't come here anymore." Peter said.

Going back to his bike, Peter was ready for more run. All that came to an end when the reality had hit him hard.

His bike was broken beyond repair. Peter fells to his knees and cried. "WAHH! WAHH! My bike! My bike! Why did this have to happen?"

Brian walks up to Peter, "You brought this upon yourself, Peter." "But how?" Peter asks with tears in his eyes. "You were the one who was joyriding on your bike. You didn't put your hands on the handle bars, your feet were off the pedals. What did you expect?" Brian explained.

"Was trying to have some fun!" Peter whines. "Didn't have much luck there." Brian said. "I wanna new bike! I want one just in time for Bike Day! Can you buy my one?" Peter asks.

"Hmmm!" Brian walked away with his eyes closed, head in the air. "Pretty pretty please! Sugar on top! With lots of hot mustard and ketchup on it!" Peter begs. Brian just walked on by back to the Griffin house.

Peter went back home. In the living room, he now wanted Lois to get him a bike for Bike Day. "Come on, Lois! All my friends are going to have their bikes tomorrow! I don't wanna be the only kid, I mean man on my block that doesn't have one! Everyone will make so much fun of me! Everybody else is doing it! Why can't I?" Peter was now begging his wife.

"Let's face the truth here! That was the only bike we had! And you went and fucked everything up as usual." Lois yelled. "How am I supposed to get a new bike then?" asked Peter. "You're a grown man, Peter Griffin! You have a job and a bank account! YOU GET ONE!" Lois pointed out. Brian entered the room and say, "Yeah, and while you're at it, get some bikes for Meg, Chris, and Stewie, too!"

"Holy shit! Bikes for the whole family? That sounds so expensive!" Peter complained. "What exactly are you saving that money for anyway?" asked Brian. "You know, stuff." Peter answers. "Stuff? What kind of stuff? You mean, 'Stuff' for your stupid ass antics and cutaways?" Brian said with spite in his voice. Peter moaned. "Don't ask my parents for money for a bike. They sure as fuck won't help you!" Lois said.

"The bottom line is Peter, you got yourself into this mess. You find a way to get yourself out!" Brian informs him. "Amen to that Brian! If you're the only one on your block without a bike tomorrow, that's entirely on you!" Lois said. "Lois is right, you have to stop being so reliant on other people to make things better for you. Stand up on your own two feet for once! Especially if you do something so stupid as you did today!" Brian says.

Stewie runs up to Brian with some nick and cuts on his legs. "Uhhh, Brian. I just shaved my legs. Now my legs are all cut up. Is this how it happens?"

 

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Bike Day was here. Just as Peter expected. He was the only one without a bike. Peter sees Joe ride down the street in what he called a wheelchair bike. Looked like a cross between a bike and a wheelchair. "Hi, Peter!" greets Joe. "Oh, hey Joe." Peter said despondently.

"How do you like my wheelchair bike! The guys at the police station built it for me!" Joe says. "Yeah, it's nice." said Peter. Stewie rides down the street on his tricycle and jumps over some logs. "Woo! WEE! I feel like those kids on ET!"

Quagmire speeds by Peter on his bike, "Hey, Peter! Off to the red light district for me! GIGGITY! AAALLLL RRIIIIGGGHHHTTTT!"

Hanging his head in sorrow. Brian comes up to Peter, "See? See? Look what consequences you have to face now." "I don't need that shit from you, Brian. I'll just find my own fun!" Peter says.

Cleveland passes by Peter wearing a scuba suit whilst riding on his bike. "Hey, Peter! Come along and join us!" Cleveland invited Peter.

"Why are you wearing scuba gear, Cleveland?" asks Peter. "Oh this? I'm going to ride my bike underwater! In honor of Bike Day!" Cleveland answers.

"Awwww, everyone has a bike expect me. Where did you get a cool idea like that?" Peter moans. "Oh, Donna and I watched The Abyss last night. Could not help but get inspired!" Cleveland said as he rode away. "Well off to Quahog Pier for me!"

Peter was on the verge of losing all hope until Jillian sped by him on roller skates. "WWWWWEEEE! I just love Roller Skate day!" Then Peter remembers his old Rollerblades in the attic. "That's it! I don't need a bike! I can just use my rollerblades!" Peter exclaims.

Running up to his attic, Peter gets the rollerblades and puts them on. Being surprised of how they still fit after all the weight he has gained over the years, Peter was now ready for a fun day.

Sliding down the streets on his rollerblades, Peter hollers, "YEAH! YAY! FUCK BIKE DAY! I'm having fun on my blades!"

Sliding down a hill, Peter was able to jump over a cement landfill and shouted, "WOW! LOOK AT ME! I'M AIRBORNE! LIKE THAT FORGOTTEN MOVIE FROM 1993!"

Brian and Stewie who were riding bikes watch Peter soar through the air. "Should we get involved?" asks Stewie. "Uhh, no," said Brian.

Afterwards, Peter landed on a cow farm and fell directly on a cow. The cow had milk squirting all over it's udders. "MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOO!" screams the cow. "hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Guess one can say I 'milked' that landing!" A farmer with a shotgun who wore overalls and a straw hat comes charging at Peter and screaming, "GET DA FUCK OFFA MY PROPERTY YOU GOVERNMENT MOOCHING BASTARD!"

Struggling to run on his rollerblades, Peter tried the best he could to get away. One of the cows was angry at Peter for landing on one of the cows, so the angry cow back kicked Peter who once again got sent flying into the sky. Then fell flat on the road. "Even on rollerblades I can't have any fun on Bike Day! Hey, I know...." Peter says getting an idea.

Running back home Peter then gets a bouncy ball that a person can ride on. When Peter gets on the bouncy ball, it exploded underneath his weight. "SSHHIIITT!!" Peter said. Then deciding to give up, Peter decides to head to his favorite hangout. "That's it, I'm going to the Clam."

Hanging his head in shame. Hearing the voices of Lois and Brian echo in his head with images of their faces above him. Peter walks into the Drunken Clam. However, there was something different about the front door that Peter didn't bother to notice. The front door this time around had a blue aura around it. Peter goes inside and finds himself not in the Drunken Clam. But in another dimension where objects such as tables, couches, and kitchen sinks were flying around.

"Uh, hello! Hello? Jerome? Are you there?" Peter called out.

A man who was wearing a Victorian era suit and derby walks up to Peter. "I am not Jerome." he said.

"Can you tell me what the fuck happened to my favorite hang out spot on Quahog?" Peter shouted in confusion.

"This isn't the usual bar you like to go to right?" asked the man.

"No, duh! Where the hell am I? Bed, Bath and Beyond!" asks Peter.

"You're in another dimension. My name is Jasper Stoutman. And I am here to help you, Griffin Peterson." said the man.

"Actually, you're partly right about my name. It's Peter Griffin. Hey, you have the same name as Kimberly Gilfoyle's dog from The Five!"

"Okay, all apologies then. Have no idea who that may be. Now what do you want me to give to you today that nobody else would?" asked Jasper.

"Oh that's easy. I want my own bike for Bike Day today." Peter tells Jasper.

"DONE!" Jasper claps his hands and a bike appears. However, it wasn't a bike made for an adult. It was a BMX Bike made for a child. Peter gladly accepts.

"YES! YES! YES! I finally got a bike! Now I can have fun and join my friends on Bike Day!" cheers Peter.

"Yes indeed. However. Conditions apply." said Jasper.

"Go ahead." Peter said.

"You must promise to love this bike." says Jasper. "You bet your ass I will!" Peter agrees. "I mean, really love it. No matter what it does or what people say about it." said Jasper.

"Abso-freaking-lutely!" Peter saluted. "You must promise to love this bike. Forever..and...ever...and...ever...and...ever...and....ever..." Jasper said as his body faded into obscurity. Peter then was sucked out of the aura with his new BMX bike in tow.

Feeling happy that he finally has a bike in time for Bike Day, Peter gets on his BMX with no problems or complications.

"Look out, Bike Day! Peter Griffin is on the rampage!" Peter yelled into the sky.

 

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Peter Griffin was riding around Quahog in his new BMX Bike. People were looking at him funny. Peter didn't care. They could not fathom seeing the sight of an obese grown man on a BMX Bike that was built for kids.

Showing off his new BMX bike. Peter meets Joe and Quagmire at the park. "Hey, Joe! Hi, Quagmire. Notice anything different about me?" greets Peter. "Oh, hey Peter." said Joe. "Got a new bike I see." said Quagmire. "Awesome isn't it?. It's a BMX!" said Peter.

Joe and Quagmire take a better look at Peter's BMX. "You know, Peter. That bike doesn't look age appropriate for you." said Joe. "WHAT! How can you say that?" asked Peter. "Joe's right. That bike doesn't look like it's for adults." observes Quagmire.

"Whatever do you mean? Of course it's for adults! Why wouldn't it be?" Peter pondered.

"Do you really need to have things pointed out you, Peter?" Quagmire implies.

"Yeah, why are you at the park today. A place where kids hang out and not at the Red Light District?" Peter spouted off at Quagmire.

"That's beside the point." Joe says.

"The point is, that bike is for....LITTLE KIDS THIS FUCKING BIG!" Quagmire shouted.

"You don't really mean that, do you?" Peter said tearfully.

"How could you not tell the difference, you dumbass!" Joe yelled.

"It's special! I got it from another dimension!" cries Peter.

"Another dimension? Ha!" Quagmire spat.

"What's wrong, Peter. Don't like hearing the truth?" asks Joe.

"I thought...you guys...were....my friends!" Peter sobs.

"Get the fuck out of our sight. And take your baby bike with you!" Quagmire retorts.

Peter rides off crying uncontrollably. Parking his BMX Bike in the garage. Rushing back to his house, Peter has a tantrum. Feeling insulted about the way Joe and Quagmire crapped on him about his new bike. Running to the couch, Peter screams into a pillow.

"HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME! WHY??? MY BMX IS PRECIOUS!" Peter screamed.

Brian rides up to the driveway of the Griffin home and walks inside. Only to see Peter having an outburst.

"Uhh, dare I ask what just happened?" asks Brian. "I got a new bike. From another land. Then Joe and Quagmire made fun of me!" Peter sobs.

"Oh, okay, I need a drink. You want one too?" Brian said. "Okay." Peter sobs fighting back the tears.

Coming back with some beers, Brian hands one to Peter.

"What does this bike of yours look like?" asked Brian. "It's in the garage. Joe and Quagmire told me it was a baby bike. Some friends they turned out to be, huh?" Peter protested.

"Why not show me this bike of yours. Then I can take a side." said Brian. "You mean it?" asked Peter. "Why sure. I'm a better friend to you than Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire could ever be." Brian answers. "What did you mean by take a side? Like Right Twix and Left Twix?" asked Peter.

"No I want to judge for myself." said Brian. Peter leads his dog companion to the garage and shows him his BMX.

"Well here's my bike. It's a BMX by the way." Peter explains.

"It doesn't look any different to me. Guess your friends just wanted to rip on you." said Brian. "Thanks, buddy." said Peter. "Where did you get it. Did you take my advice and buy one for yourself?" asks Brian.

"No. Someone at the Clam gave it to me. When I walked into the Clam it looked like a door to another world. The person who gave it to me said I have to promise to love it forever and forever." Peter sings like a canary.

Brian was stunned. He took a picture of the BMX bike on his smartphone. "What was the name of the guy that gave it to you?" Brian asked.

"Oh, I remember. Jasper Stoutman." said Peter. Brian writes 'Jasper Stoutman' on the keyboard of his smartphone. "Let me do a little research about this." Brian suggested.

"Sure. Fine. Do what you have to do." Peter says. About to go back for some bike riding. Peter sees that his BMX Bike had suddenly disappeared.

"WHAT THE HELL! Where did my special BMX Bike go?" Peter looked all around.

In Stewie's bedroom, Brian was on his laptop. He inserted the picture of Peter's BMX Bike, then Googled the name Jasper Stoutman. Stewie walks in his room unannounced.

"Hey, mutt! Why did you ditch me for?" Stewie demands. "Sorry Stewie. I think Peter could be in some kind of trouble. I just had to help him out." Brian says.

"That is like you, isn't it! Always bailing out on me so you can help the Fatman!" Stewie rants. "Level with me here, Stewie. He could be in real danger this time." Brian tells him.

"What else is new." Stewie chirps.

Brian searched for the BMX Bike and the person who gave it to Peter. "Holy shit! Listen to this!" Brian said as if he discovered something.

"All right. I give up. What does it say?" cried Stewie.

"The man who gave the bike to Peter is named Jasper Stoutman." said Brian. "Ooooh! Wish that could be my name!" Stewie cooed.

"Come on! Get serious here! According to the internet, Jasper Stoutman lived in London during the Victorian Era. He made bicycles for a living." said Brian.

"Read on. Like I give a shit." Stewie said bluntly.

"Jasper Stoutman is the long lost cousin of Jack The Ripper! It also says that Jasper Stoutman was a Satanist. The bikes he made he put some sort of supernatural curse power on the bikes. So the bikes can kill people!" Brian said.

"Well, what does that mean?" asks Stewie.

"That means, Peter's BMX Bike is possessed!" Brian said.

Stewie giggled, "Possessed Satanic Bike hey! oooh! How enticing!"

"Quahog could be in for a multitude of disaster!" Brian says with a haunted look on his face.

 

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Back at the park. Joe was doing wheelies on his 'bike wheelchair' as Quagmire was watching. Then Quagmire begins to do wheelies.

"Hey, Joe! Bet I can out wheelie you!" Quagmire dared him.

"Nobody can do wheelies better than me!" Joe says back.

The two race each other until Joe wins. "YEEAH! YEEAH! YEEAH! I'm the best of the best!"

"No shit there! You are the king of wheelies!" Quagmire complemented.

Peter's BMX Bike was watching Joe and Quagmire. Waiting for the perfect time to attack.

"Wasn't that funny how we ripped on Peter about this 'cool' bike!" laughs Joe.

"You bet! Only Peter Griffin would think a kid's bike is the best thing since sliced bread!" Quagmire agrees.

As Joe and Quagmire were riding around the park, The BMX stops them in their tracks.

"Oh speaking of kiddie bikes! It's Peter's BMX." cracked up Joe.

The BMX Bike charged at them. "What's it going to do to us?" taunts Quagmire.

"DIE!" The BMX Bike shouts as it runs over Quagmire and Joe. "WWWAAAAHHH! FUCK!" Quagmire yelled.
Joe finds his legs were even more crushed by the effects of the BMX Bike's tires.

"OH SHIT! Now I'm really crippled! No wonder Bonnie is so fed up with me!" Joe yells and carries on.

Sitting on the front porch at the Griffin House. There was Meg. Chris speeds by her with his friend Neil Goldman on their bikes. "Don't you just love Bike Day!" Chris asks Neil. "It's very fun if you have friends!" Neil stated.

Meg just looks at all her peers riding down the street on their bikes. "Uhhh, I hate Bike Day!" scoffed Meg. "Everybody has friends to have fun with except me! Every year it's the same damned thing."

Beside her, Meg sees the BMX Bike. "Where did this come from?" she asks. The BMX Bike was about ready to charge at Meg.

"Oh my! Is that bike moving on it's own?" Meg asked startled. As Meg was about to get out of the BMX bike's path, it follows her. "Ooooooh! What is going on?" she asked.

Trying to run from the BMX Bike, it chased Meg. "AAAAAHHHH!!! How is this possible! A bike is moving and nobody is riding it!" Meg screams.

"Your turn, bimbo!" roared the bike.

The BMX Bike rode toward Meg and ran her over on the road. Making a screeching sound like a car. Meg was now laying face up with tire marks all over her body.

A couple of houses away, Herbert was outside in his yard with his dog, Jesse. With him he had a pair of binoculars so he can watch boys ride by on their bikes.

"Boy, Jesse! I feel just like a kid on Christmas Day! Don't you just love Bike Day!" Herbert asks his dog friend.

The BMX Bike was now on Herbert's lawn. Only Jesse notices it. "What's wrong Jesse? What do you see?" asks Herbert.

Herbert then saw the BMX Bike. "Oh, it's just a bike. Maybe I'll keep this in my garage. Who knows? Maybe I'll give it to one of the boys!" Herbert said as he walks the BMX Bike into his garage. Then once against the BMX Bike begins to charge. About ready to run somebody over.

"Well will you look at that? A bike that moves on it's own! Maybe it's Casper The Friendly Ghost is riding it!" laughs Herbert.

Jesse barks to warn Herbert that the bike was about to run over Herbert. "Oh there you go again, Jesse." Herbert. "ROAR!" the BMX Bike screams as it ran over Herbert. Jesse comes to sniff Herbert.

"Should've listened to you, Jesse! Now look what happened." Herbert said laying on the ground with tire marks. After that, the BMX Bike proceeds to attack everyone in Quahog.

Channel 5 News did a report about the BMX Bike. Brian and Peter were watching. "Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker." "And I'm Joyce Kinney!"

Tom begins, "Our top story. A mysterious BMX Bike is going around running over people on Bike Day!"

"That's right, Tom. This is what we think it might look like." Joyce implies. A picture of the BMX Bike is shown on the television. Peter did not want to believe it.

"Oh my gosh! Please don't tell me that was the doing of my BMX!" Peter says. "Afraid it is, Peter." Brian said.

"No, no! It must be some other BMX Bike! Mine would never do that!" Peter said. "Oh how do you know?" Brian asks.

"The guy who gave it to me didn't seem to have a problem with it." Peter said. "Well that's because the man who gave it to you from another dimension put a curse on it." Brian tells him.

"My BMX Bike is cool. It could never do such a thing. I promised I would love it forever and forever!" Peter says. "That sounds like a warning sign." said Brian.

Shortly, an angry mob of people were running after Peter's BMX. "Come back here you fucking bike!" "As Ivan Drago once said, 'I Must Break You'!"

 

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Exiting their house, Peter and Brian watch as they watch all the angry residents in Quahog try to destroy Peters BMX.

"What's going on?" Peter asked the crowd. "That BMX Bike is a menace to society!" yells Mort. "What did it do?" asked Brian. "It ran me over! Especially my legs!" yells Joe. "Yeah, then it did the same to me! But only ran over my back!" Quagmire said.

"Then it ran over me!!" Herbert yells. Other people from the crowd also proclaim the violence the BMX Bike inflicted on them.

"And me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

Brian tells everyone to calm them down, "We're going to do something about this. Excuse us."

Inside the garage, Peter hides the BMX Bike. "Please say it ain't so, BMX Bike! Did you really hurt all those people?" Peter asks the BMX Bike.

"Uhhh, Peter. Does the bike talk back?" asked Brian sarcastically.

Stewie walks into the garage. "Look what that stupid ass BMX did to me!" Stewie pulls up his shirt to reveal his stomach was full of tire marks. Just then Lois parks the car in her garage and steps out.

"Aww, shit. Lois is home! Just like when Mom comes home." said Peter.

"Peter, what did you do to anger the town this time!" Lois demands.

"I got a BMX Bike that started to hurt people." Peter explains the best he could.

"HA! Likely story!" said Lois. "It's true, here I can vouch for Peter here." said Brian. Showing Lois the BMX Bike, Brian finds a 666 mark on the bike. "See? As it turns out, Peter wanted a bike for Bike Day......."

Telling Lois the whole story, she didn't know what to think. "Woah that's a mouthful. Anyway, we need to get rid of this bike!" said Lois.

"How exactly will we do that? We don't know anything about warding off evil spirits." said Brian. "uhhh, Hello! Isn't anyone going to take me to a hospital?" Stewie calls out. Reality finally hit Peter as he realizes that his BMX Bike was evil.

Peter says, "How was I supposed to know that the bike was evil. Bet you really hate me now, Lois."

"No way, I can never. Here allow me! I know something we can do." said Lois. "Brian, open the garage."

Getting the garage door opener, Brian opens the door. Lois puts the BMX Bike where the garage door closes. "Ooooh, I hope you know what you're doing!" Peter pleaded.

"Just trust me." said Lois taking the garage door opener from Brian. Lois pushed the button and in seconds flat, the garage door flattened the BMX Bike that was now broken into pieces. A cloud of smoke came out of the BMX Bike that had an image of Jasper Stoutman floating into the air.

"You're donkey asses! Each and every one of you!" Jasper echoed as he disappeared into nothing. Peter feeling regretful tells Lois, "Wow, I thought you were going to turn your back on me." said Peter.

"Well I got just the thing that's going to make us all forget this ever happened.". said Lois.

A pick-up truck stops at the Griffin house. A man comes out and takes out five bikes.

" You mean you got all these bikes?". Peter said excitedly.

"Yes I did. Got the money from Daddy and he paid for the bikes!". Lois informs him.

"Lois, you are the best wife ever! So much better than the one from the movie Images". Peter said.

"Come on everyone! Lets all go enjoy Bike Day!". Lois cheers.

Two hours later...

Peter, Lois, Brian, Stewie, and Chris were all riding their bikes around Quahog.

"Check me out! I'm Lance Armstrong!". Peter says.

"No more stunts. Peter.". Brian warns him.

"Most important no trusting spirits from other worlds.". Lois joked.

"Lesson learned! If only the guys can see me now"! Said Peter happily.

"My tire tracks are gone!". Stewie exclaims. "Since we banished that evil bike, think everyone and everything is back to normal!". said Brian

The Griffin family enjoys the rest of the day on their newly bought bikes. Everyone who got attacked by the BMX Bike had all healed from their wounds.