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Riddle Me This (alternately, the world's best/worst podcast)

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EPISODE ONE:

[…]

HARRY: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the first episode of Riddle Me This! I’m Harry, and this is—

TOM: Tom. Fear me, listeners.

HARRY: Tom, don’t scare them before we even start!

TOM: [not sounding sorry] Sorry.

HARRY: And we are here to give advice. Send an email to riddlemethis@email.co.uk!

[…]

HARRY: And our first question is from…?

TOM: Annie.

HARRY: Annie! You have a beautiful name.

TOM: It says here that her roommate has been moving her work around and she can’t get her to stop.

HARRY: Annie, have you tried moving her work around in revenge?

TOM: Or you could try burning her work.

HARRY: That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?

TOM: Well, there’s always the old frogspawn in the bed trick.

HARRY: [sighs] Well, if we’re going to do this, we may as well at the swapping the salt and sugar trick. That always gives people a nasty shock.

[…]

TOM: Well, there’s always murder.

HARRY: Tom. No.

TOM: A quick flash of green light and boom! She’s gone!

HARRY: TOM. NO.

@LizardlyLots

Have any of you guys SEEN the new @RiddleMeThis advice podcast? It’s only three episodes right now, but it’s HILARIOUS.

@zigzagzoom

yeah! i started listening to it right when ep1 was released bc god these guys are funny

oysterloyster

y’all who else has joined the @riddlemethis fandom?

tomownsmyheart reblogged this

tomownsmyheart

Me! Tom sounds delectable.

EPISODE 12

[…]

HARRY: [knocks cup over] S[BEEP]!

HERMIONE: [voiceover] Boys, we agreed no swearing. [to the listeners] I’m these poor fools’ editor.

TOM: Ugh. You can’t keep spilling coffee on me, like I’m a mere mortal.

HARRY: [teasingly] You are a mere mortal.

TOM: I’m a Dark Lord, darling.

[…]

HARRY: And that, Kelly, is how you efficiently disable the coffee machine.

TOM: Maybe I should do that with yours to stop you tipping coffee on me.

HARRY: [threateningly] You wouldn’t dare.

@Riddlickme

DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THE ‘DARLING’ IN @RiddleMeThis’S LATEST PODCAST?!

@JerryHarryWho

ARE TOM AND HARRY DATING?!

@RiddleMeThis

Hermione here. These boys may be idiots, but they are not dating… yet.

@PodcastsKilledMe

Yet?

@PeakHumour

Mx. Granger?

HotsForHarry

AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?

tomownsmyheart reblogged this

Tomalongadingdong reblogged this

RiddlesPottery reblogged this

tomownsmyheart

No ☹

hermioneshipstomarry reblogged this

Tomalongadingdong

y’all think they might be together already?

Harmione4eva reblogged this

RiddlesPottery

There’s no way Tom even thought about that. Harry, on the other hand…

hermioneshipstomarry

y is it always u?

Harmione4eva

Nah. Hermione sounds fond of Harry.

EPISODE 17

[…]

TOM: I'm a Dark Lord, darling.

HARRY: Does that make me the Chosen One?

TOM: [softer] You’d always be by my side, Harry.

[…]

HARRY: We’ve got one from Lea here. She says that her daughter isn’t listening to her and she doesn’t know what to do.

TOM: Avada Kedavra. Problem solved.

HARRY: Tom, I’m the Chosen One and I’m going to have to ban you from doing that.

@TomarryForLife

Are these guys even real? @RiddleMeThis seem like two guys and then they’ll say smth like “the ghost” or “the hippogriff” and I’ll be like ???

@WeaselVonWeasel

yeah, they’re real. hermione’s my SO and harry’s my best mate since school.

@IShipTomarry

YOU KNOW THEM?!

@RiddleMeThis

hey, ron :)

TomarryFangirl

So, if Tom’s a Dark Lord, and Harry’s the Chosen One… redemption arc fanfic, anyone?

HermioneNon-BinaryLove reblogged this

HermioneNon-BinaryLove

Please. Harry’d undergo a bastardisation arc.

I do not accept constructive criticism at this time.

riddleiddleiddle reblogged this

harryismysun reblogged this

tomarry-is-real reblogged this

riddlemethis reblogged this

riddleiddleiddle

DSBJXGDVSBHJGVBJHS HARRY WOULD YOUR INSIGHT IS GENIUS

harryismysun

no!!! harry is babie ☹

tomarry-is-real

So we’ve got the ‘Tom would burn the world down for Harry’ trope but… bastardisation arc?? What if Harry went to the end of the world for Tom?

Gayforriddle reblogged this

Tomarry-Headcanons reblogged this

riddlemethis

personally, i like to think that tom would join me, but i get the feeling hermione would agree with you, wouldn’t they?

Gayforriddle

thESE ARE THE PEOPLE WE NEED TBH

Tomarry-Headcanons

Accepted, approved, stamped with a seal.

EPISODE 24

[…]

HARRY: So, Amanda has written to us saying she has a problem with a boggart!

TOM: Well, dear listeners, the only thing you should fear is me, because I’m a Dark Lord.

HARRY: [frustrated] Tom, that doesn’t fix the problem-

TOM: Therefore, your boggart should transform into me, and you’d be graced with my presence. I don’t see the problem here.

HARRY: I’m pretty sure nobody finds you scary.

TOM: I’m a Dark Lord, darling.

HARRY: [laughing] Oh my [BEEP]ing Godric, Tom.

HERMIONE: [voiceover, deadpan] No swearing.

[…]

HARRY: We'd like to welcome a special guest, Luna Lovegood!

LUNA: If you're listening whilst driving, your boot is open.

TOM: [Latin noises]

[…]

LUNA: If you’re an Aquarius, try a new skincare routine. You’ll need it.

HARRY: Thank you, Luna! You’ve been wonderful.

TOM: My head hurts.

@LucainiumSpaceShips

Y’ALL I WAS DRIVING WHILST LISTENING TO EP24 OF @RiddleMeThis AND MY BOOT WAS OPEN. IT WASN’T BEFORE?? AND I’M PRETTY SURE TOM IS MAGIC.

@RiddleMeThis

Of course I’m magic, what kind of Dark Lord would I be otherwise?

@HocusPocus

5 reasons why Riddle and Potter are supernatural beings???

RiddlesPottery

Alright. I know we’ve all been like ‘??? Are Tom and Harry real?’ but I HAVE RECEIPTS.

Episode One: ‘A flash of green light and boom!’ yeah, that sounds like magic to me.

Episode Seven: ‘The moving staircases really tripped you up that time huh?’ …moving staircases??? I call magic.

Episode Twelve: ‘like I’m a mere mortal’ pretty much suggests that he’s not.

Episode Seventeen: ‘Avada Kedavra’ – I don’t know what this means either, but’s it gotta mean something, right?

Episode Twenty-Four: we all heard Tom mumbling after Luna said that. I think they’re magic.

Anyway, I live in Little Hangleton (no stalkers pls) and here we all know the rumours of a Tom Riddle who ran off with the Gaunt’s daughter and came back several months later claiming he was ‘bewitched’. I call magic… maybe TMR is Tom Riddle’s son?

lunaharrytomione reblogged this

harryaryyary reblogged this

RiddleTheMan reblogged this

tomownsmyheart reblogged this

9876 others reblogged this

lunaharrytomione

op you make great points!!! I’m gonna look into magic now 😊

RiddlesPottery reblogged this

harryaryyary

@RiddlesPottery is here giving FACTS. I accept nothing else.

RiddleTheMan

Hey, do y’all think maybe Tom is an immortal?

tomownsmyheart

haha i’d love to *meet* him, we’d have a great time

RiddlesPottery reblogged this

RiddlesPottery

@lunaharrytomione let me know what you find! I have a point and I’m gonna make it.

RiddlesPottery

@tomownsmyheart Please keep your simping off of my posts. Thank you.

EPISODE 31

[…]

HARRY: It says here that Tomcat is trying to get a post box, but needs two sets of ID when they only have one. What do you think they should do, Tom?

TOM: I don’t appreciate the f[BEEP]ing up of my name.

HERMIONE: [voiceover] Why did I agree to edit this, again?

HARRY: Well, I think the logical thing to do is get fake ID, right?

TOM: There’s an article on WikiHow. Have fun!

[…]

[crackling sounds]

HERMIONE: [voiceover] I edited the context out.

TOM: [jokingly] Does this mean you don't love me anymore?

HARRY: [very much in love] [splutters]

@RiddleDiddleDo

I’m in love with Hermione.

riddlemethis

[picture of Hermione staring directly into the camera.]

I agreed to editing a show run by idiots.

EPISODE 59

[…]

TOM: Hello and welcome to episode fifty-nine of Riddle Me This, where we cater to your needs like I cater to Harry’s.

HARRY: [distantly] WE’RE NOT EVEN TOGETHER, YOU WANKER!

[…]

HARRY: And I managed to get our old potions teacher to be a guest for today! Please welcome Snape to the podcast!

SNAPE: They were both terrible students. Don’t trust them.

TOM: Well, who’s the Dark Lord and who’s the potions “expert” with no girlfriend, hmm?

SNAPE: [sound of glass breaking]

TOM: F[BEEP]k.

HARRY: For F[BEEP]k’s sake not another glass!

HERMIONE: [voiceover] No. Swearing.

[…]

TOM: Kate, I, personally, think you should set their fridge on fire.

HARRY: Tom, that’s illegal.

TOM: I’m a Dark Lord, darling.

[…]

TOM: Churro – mmh, nice name, I’m hungry now – says that she is beta’ing someone’s fics but they keep posting them without sending them to her. What should she do?

HARRY: Well, this one is fairly simple. Message them every day asking for something to beta!

TOM: Or you could break into their house and hold them at knifepoint.

HARRY: Also illegal, Tom.

@LizardlyLots

Damn, I remember when there were only three episodes and I was cackling. We’re now at sixty and these guys are obviously in love… what do you think?

@zigzagzoom

i was wondering when you’d notice the fandoms, liz.

Tomalongadingdong

I’m sending these guys x reader fanfics.

tomownsmyheart reblogged this

tomownsmyheart

please do 😉

EPISODE 68

TOM: Evan here sent us a link to ‘X Reader’ fanfics, whatever they are.

HARRY: PEOPLE WRITE F[BEEP]ING FANFICTION ABOUT US DATING THEM?

HERMIONE: [audible sigh]

TOM: [in a slutty voice] Oh really?

HARRY: Okay, okay, but read this line – “Tom licked y/n sensually, watching y/n shiver in delight…”

TOM: How dare they. I am much better than how they’ve portrayed me.

@Riddlickme

Okay, we’re all laughing at the bad fanfic, but we all want Tom to lick us sensually, right?

@RiddleMeThis

Of course you do… 😉

@Riddlickme

YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO SEE THIS. ABORT MISSION. ABORT ABORT ABORT

riddlemethis

@Tomalongadingdong do you have anything to say for yourself

Tomalongadingdong reblogged this

Tomalongadingdong

no


INTERLUDE: Dumbledore

Dumbledore walked into his office, exhausted after a long day, and turned the radio on, expecting to hear Potterwatch come through the speakers.

They crackled, then Tom’s voice came through.

“Darling, I’m a Dark Lord.”

WHAT?!


EPISODE 73

[…]

HARRY: And we welcome to the show: Ron Weasley!

TOM: Harry, love, you need to tell me these things.

RON: Uh... hi.

[…]

RON: And that pretty much sums up how I met Harry.

TOM: I wasn’t even in that entire story!

HARRY: Then get Lucius to tell yours, idiot.

@BookLover

So we all know Mx. Granger likes to post pictures of themself captioned “I agreed to editing a show run by idiots”, right? Well, in the last one the book was an original signed copy from 1220. Does anyone know if it’s for sale?

@RiddleMeThis

THEY ARE NOT FOR SALE. HOW DARE YOU.

@WeaselVonWeasel

…you might be in trouble

hermionetumblrbesttumblr

is it just me living for mx. granger on tumblr

162,978 people liked this post.

riddlemethis

[picture of Tom standing up, ready to throw his question paper out the window]

Caption: It happened again.

548,329 people liked this post.

EPISODE 84:

[…]

HARRY: Hey guys and welcome back to another episode of Riddle Me This!

TOM: I thought that today we could start with—

HARRY: No, don't worry, Neville's here.

NEVILLE: Hi! What am I supposed to do?

TOM: HARRY I SWEAR TO SALAZAR—

[…]

TOM: WHEN THE F[BEEP]K DID NEVILLE GET HERE?!

NEVILLE: I brought my gran, too!

TOM: OKAY, THIS IS JUST A MEET ‘N’ GREET NOW, HUH?

HERMIONE: [voiceover] This continued for fifteen minutes.

@riddlemorelikekissable

hey tim! just wondering if ur on tinder 😉

@RiddleMeThis

EXCUSE ME???

tomarry4eva

hey have you noticed in the latest photo hermione posted that the clothes are washing themselves???

riddlemethis reblogged this

riddlemethis

You didn’t see sh*t.

EPISODE 109

[…]

HARRY: So, Tim, are you on Tinder?

TOM: HARRY!!

[…]

HARRY: Sanya, I can only imagine how hard it must be to sleep every night, but I’m sure Tim and I can find a way.

TOM: My name is NOT Tim, for the LAST TIME, but I think you should knock yourself out.

HARRY: Or you could use the Muggle version of dreamless sleep – sleeping pills!

TOM: Or you could actually try to go sleep.

HARRY: I think Tim is grumpy.

[…]

TOM: Alisha is asking why her neighbours think she’s a cannibal.

HARRY: What?

TOM: First of all – are you a cannibal?

@HarryOverTim

@RiddleMeThis so if tom is tim now, is harry horry?

@RiddleMeThis

Oh yes. He is now.

@HarryOverTim

i feel like a just made a huge mistake…

riddlemethis

[picture of Hermione staring directing into the camera, behind them you can see the Monster Book of Monsters running around]

Caption: I edit a show run by idiots.

Tumblrismylife reblogged this

Tumblrismylife

Is… is that a book?

riddlemethis reblogged this

riddlemethis

I know a thing or two about books, and that’s a book.

EPISODE 110

[…]

TOM: Hello, and welcome to episode one-one-oh of Riddle Me This! I’m Tim, and this is Horny – sorry, I meant Horry.

HARRY: YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE YOU ABSOLUTE [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEP] [BEEEEEEEEEEP]

HERMIONE: [voiceover] Boys.

[…]

TOM: Just for the record, I don’t have Tinder.

HARRY: Oh?

TOM: I’m saving myself for you, darling.

HARRY: I feel like we should do a sub-show where we get people to send in horrible pick up lines.

[…]

HARRY: And the last one for today: Moon! They say… My friends keep insisting that Pluto is a planet even though it’s clearly not.

TOM: HA!

HARRY: I cannot believe we have listeners with such misguided views.

TOM: I told you. I told you!

HARRY: Oh yes, let’s give this planet planetary status then take it away. Not rude at all.

TOM: It’s a dwarf planet. All we did was reclassify it.

HARRY: Oh yes, you’re too short, you’re not a human anymore.

TOM: It’s not just the size, they determined that Pluto cannot qualify because it has not cleared the path of its orbit of debris.

HARRY: I don’t care about facts, I care about rights.

TOM: [patiently] It hasn’t cleared the path of its orbit of debris.

HARRY: Ah yes, you can’t be human anymore, you didn’t clean your room.

TOM: Harry, we aren’t talking about people, we’re talking about Pluto.

HARRY: Pluto is amazing, you know that? It has a heart-shaped frozen sea that’s POISONOUS. You don’t get much better than that.

TOM: It’s not an insult, it’s a classification.

HARRY: Jupiter can’t classify as a planet anymore. It’s too big.

TOM: You WHAT now?!

HARRY: I said what I said.

TOM: And who is this show named after?

HARRY: [smirking] And who named it?

@AnimationFun

@RiddleMeThis Who’s your animator?

@RiddleMeThis

What?

@AnimationFun

For the ‘magic’.

@RiddleMeThis

:)))

TomarryLove

Can’t believe Twitter thinks these guys use an animator to put in magic

MultiFandomTrash reblogged this

MultiFandomTrash

i’m new to the fandom, where can i find headcanons and conspiracy theories?

TomarryLove reblogged this

TomarryLove

Well, @RiddlesPottery is our resident conspiracy theoriest. @TomarryHeadcanons does most of the headcanons and @tomownsmyheart for simping.

EPISODE 132

[…]

TOM: Trixie is complaining that nobody ever believes them about their name.

HARRY: [thinking about Tom] Hit them over the head with a baseball bat.

TOM: [confused but impressed] I like your thinking.

[…]

HARRY: Mysty here got kicked off of a groupchat for spamming conspiracy theories about us.

TOM: We can fix that, for… dedication, of course.

HARRY: Where’s my wand?

[…]

TOM: Margaret says that this podcast helped her pull her life back together.

HARRY: [sobbing happily]

TOM: Are you… are you crying?

HARRY: THESE AREN'T TEARS. IT'S SWEAT. I'M WORKING OUT.

[…]

HARRY: Last one for today…

TOM: It’s from Stabs. I really approve of your name.

HARRY: It says… oh.

TOM: What does it say?

HARRY: You guys should hurry up and kiss already.

TOM: …oh.

@LizardLots

Did @RiddleMeThis get cancelled?

RiddlesPottery

We managed to make them uncomfortable. @Tomalongadingdong do your thing?

Tomalongadingdong reblogged this

Tomalongadingdong

Sure.

EPISODE 133

[…]

HARRY: [somewhat subdued] Our first one for the day is from Evan, again.

TOM: It’s a link to more fanfiction.

HARRY: Oh my f[BEEP]ing Merlin, it’s between us.

TOM: ‘Tom’s eyes, almost black in the limited light, seemed to bore into Harry’s very soul. “Is that so?” he asked, his deep voice teasing, almost entertained.’ I’m intrigued…

HARRY: Oh- look at this— ’“I think you’re forgetting,” he began, almost purring as he leaned closer still, his lips just ghosting over the shell of Harry’s ear, and Harry’s breath hitched without his permission at the contact. “I’m a Dark Lord, darling.”’

TOM: Seems they have me down perfectly.

HARRY: There’s another one.

TOM: Do tell.

HARRY: ‘Tom huffed, and reopened his book. “I am not going outside in this weather.”

A few moments later, Tom was standing in their garden, arms folded and feeling moody. The rain pounded down on his plastic-y raincoat with an uncomfortable amount of force, and despite the boots he was wearing, he could feel his socks getting gradually soggier the longer he stood there. He huffed in indignation as Harry took no notice of his despair, only hopping around the garden nonsensically.’

TOM: This is nonsense. I’d never act so… domesticated.

HARRY: [snorts] ‘Later, when they had returned inside and dried off with an abundance of fluffy towels, Tom insisted Harry join him on the sofa. There, he cradled his husband close in his arms, carding his fingers through messy hair as they watched some trashy romance.

He wouldn’t trade this for anything.’

TOM: I’d NEVER watch trashy romance!

[…]

GINNY: I’m here to run compatibility between you two.

HARRY: What?!

 

mostly girl group chat

ginforthewin: I’m fed up of them both.

hermtheworm: You’re fed up? Who’s the one that has to go through hours of footage of them flirting every day?

looneylunamoon: We should do something about it.

ginforthewin: >:)

hermtheworm: >:)

looneylunamoon: >:)

 

riddlemethis

@Tomalongadingdong this was you again, wasn’t it?

Tomalongadingdong reblogged this

Tomalongadingdong

Guilty.

@CthulhuStabs

Are we supposed to see ep132 uncut?

@WeaselVonWeasel

what did hermione do?!

EPISODE 134

[…]

TOM: And here’s another one from Stabs. It’s just a link, to what seems like an audio recording.

HARRY: [clicking sound]

 

TOM: I’m gonna go now.

HARRY: Bye Tom! See you tomorrow!

TOM: Harry, it’s still recording.

HARRY: I can turn it off in a sec.

TOM: [sound of door closing]

HARRY: Tom, I know you've already gone but... Merlin damn it, I love you. So much. Reading these fics today was torture because I just want to act them out-- please, Tom, I can't wait much longer.

HARRY: Hermione, if you don’t edit this out, I’ll end you.

TOM: Harry?

HARRY: [frozen in shock]

TOM: Do you really… love me?

HARRY: Yes. Yes, I do.

TOM: [right up against the microphone] WE’RE OFF TO KISS NOW, LISTENERS.

@RiddleMeThis

@CthulhuStabs Thank you.

RiddlesPottery

I told you so.

1,987,283 people liked this post.

EPISODE 135

[…]

TOM: This one is from Drowsy, and it says… oh!

HARRY: What does it say?

TOM: When are you guys getting married?

HARRY: Oh! Oh, it won’t be anytime soon—

TOM: Soon. Very soon.

HARRY: Tom, how will we book a place so quickly?

TOM: [laughs] I’m a Dark Lord, darling.