It all started when Dream made an announcement at the meeting.
L’Manburg’s political body was rather small today- Rather than bring the entire council, President Wilbur Soot had elected to only take himself, Tommy Innit and Fundy to hear the reports. Dream was secretly relieved, though expectation required him to mildly berate Wilbur for bringing such a small party. He had an entire board of people who knew how to deal with politics, yet he brought the two most inexperienced members of his nation and no-one else? Even fucking Schlatt would’ve been welcome in that scenario, which Dream loathed to admit.
Clearing his throat and resituating his papers, Dream looked out amongst the familiar faces of the meeting and decided to go ahead and begin. “Welcome, everyone, to the third meeting between the Dream SMP and the independent nation of L’Manburg. We hope everyone feels comfortable and ready to begin.
“First and foremost on our list- We’ve been getting reports from the villages near the farthest borders in the west of unusual sightings; Specifically, sightings of the infamous Technoblade. They haven’t been confirmed yet, but we’re working to scout out the area and gain as much information as possible- Chances are that the reports are true, though, so be on your guard.”
Tommy looked like he was about to go positively rabid as soon as the word Technoblade left Dream’s mouth. As soon as the cloaked man paused to take a breath, Tommy turned to Wilbur, shaking his arm rather violently and gasping out, “Wilbur! Wilbur, Techno !”
“Yes, Tommy, those are names, very good,” Wilbur responded, though he looked equally excited and breathless. Tommy didn’t even bother to be offended by Wilbur’s statement, instead just shaking him a bit more and making some squawking sounds.
Raising an eyebrow, Dream asked, “He a big fan of Technoblade’s?”
“You have no idea,” Wilbur responded, blinking a few times more than strictly necessary as he attempted to detach a squirming Tommy from his arm. “Tommy, you’re like a fucking leech, let go of me -”
“Wilbur, imagine if Techno came here !”
Wilbur finally removed Tommy’s hands from him, shifting to face Dream once again- Though he did send Tommy a wide grin and gave the boy a wink, which sent him down a path of bouncing in his seat and laughing about God knows what.
Dream’s mouth flattened underneath his mask in an attempt to keep from smiling, but everyone saw the corners of his mouth twitch as he watched Tommy go. After a few moments, he resumed his presentation. “Other than that, we only have one thing to report; On our most recent Nether trip, we found and raided a Nether fortress about one-thousand three-hundred Nether blocks out from the portal in the eastward direction. Our mine, crop, and water yields are as rich and pure as ever.” Fundy bristled at that, cheek fur fluffing up a bit as his tail swayed back and forth. He had been on river-cleaning duty after the events of the war, and while it may not have been a direct jab, it certainly had its implications.
“Wilbur, you can go now, the floor’s all yours.” Dream stepped off the miniature wooden platform they had built in the mess hall, gesturing for Wilbur to take his place. The president gave him a jerky nod and stepped up to the mic.
“L’manburg has a few things to report today. To start off with, our supply of coal has begun to decline, and our mines are currently depleted. We’ve been hoping to strengthen our trade relations with the Dream SMP anyways, so we would like to propose an open exchange of minerals between all members. Our resources are usually pooled together if it’s not anything of major importance, so…”
Technoblade was indeed coming.
Dream had gotten the report from Bad a few days prior to the arrival of the famed warrior. It had come in the form of a letter attached to the leg of a pigeon.
Dear Dream :),
I was right! Technoblade is coming to check out the SMP. I expect he’ll arrive before me and Skeppy get a chance to make our way back, so I figured I’d send a warning ahead of time. He’ll be coming in from the northwest on horseback. Fastest horse I’ve ever seen in my life! One of the villagers tried to accuse him of witchcraft because Technoblade jumped down off of a roof onto it! Extremely dangerous.
Anywho, we won’t be far behind him, so I’ll keep this message short!! We found that Ocean Monument like you asked, marked down the coords and went ahead and raided it, but Skeppy got hurt so we’re resting up in the village for another day or two before we set out to come back. Make sure to have our spots ready when we get there :D!!
Love from your buddy,
The letter was currently sitting in Dream’s cloak pocket, neatly folded along the perfect creases Bad had already made. The corner was a little torn, but it was otherwise in exact condition.
“Wilbur, can I be the one to show him around when he gets here?” Tommy asked (demanded), pacing around Tubbo as he refluffed his hair for the third time since they had all gathered outside the border. Tubbo was spinning in place to watch him, an easy yet slightly worried smile on his face. Dream felt whatever emotion that equated to in his very soul.
Wilbur, the gloriously patient bastard, rubbed the bridge of his nose and let out a weary sigh. “Tommy, for the last time, I can’t make Techno hang out with you. He’s his own man. A very very dangerous man, might I add.”
“Yeah, but you’re older!”
“Exactly!” Piped in Tubbo, “He’s more frail! Tommy, you’re not going to try and make poor old Wilbur get his hips broken, are you?”
Tommy let out his usual “Pah- hah !” at that, waving at Wilbur’s flustered face. President Soot opened his mouth to retort, but before he could get any more than an aborted sound out, there was a thunderous crash from the trees and a yell of “Human GPS, let’s GO!” from the forest that ended up with the birds taking flight.
“HUMAN GPS!” Tommy bellowed in return, pumping his fist in the air. Dream’s hand darted to the netherite axe at his hip, silently grateful for his choice in outfit- The wide green covering hid any movements he made underneath. That was an advantage he was always willing to put up with Sapnap’s teasing comments for.
Dream had been expecting a formidable warrior. He had been expecting the famous boar's tusks, the golden crown, the regal cape, the apathetic air, the dry responses, the sheer energy of a man who knew he could not lose.
What he was not expecting was a man with bubblegum pink hair and flailing limbs to tumble out of a tree with an entire fucking horse . How the hell did he even get that up there?
There was a moment of tense silence as the stranger lay there on the ground, completely dead to the world, horse wobbling to its feet beside him, before the fluffy red cloak was shoved aside by a scarred, calloused hand with a cry of, “I did it! Technospider for the win!”
Tommy was running towards Technoblade before anyone could catch him. Dream felt a flash of panic and reached out to grab the boy to keep him from getting hurt by the unpredictable newcomer, but Tommy easily evaded his grasp. He was throwing himself at Technoblade before anyone could even blink, and oh, shit, we’re going to lose Tommy, they did not spend all that time keeping him alive only for him to die by his own stupidity-
Technoblade caught Tommy by the armpits and held him out at arms-length, face scrunched up to the side as he pretended to examine him. “Do I… know you, perhaps?” He rumbled, shaking Tommy up and down a few times like he weighed nothing more than a few pounds. Tommy roared with laughter and struggled in his grip, batting at his forearms in a futile escape attempt. “I’d certainly fucking hope so, big man, you spent a little over thirteen years of your life with me-”
Dream was still reeling from the fact that Tommy hadn’t been stabbed on the spot to process it when Wilbur left his side to start towards Technoblade. It was only after the president had started to speak that he realized what was happening.
“Techno, man, it’s good to see you!” He greeted, clapping him on the shoulder, “What’ve you been up to?”
“Nothin’ much, to be honest. Bred some horses, got a badass sword, lost said badass sword, uhh… Kind of started a war with an ancient god?”
“... Is this about the fucking potatoes?”
“ Technoblade, is this about your fucking potatoes that you said were more important than coming to the reunion last year? ”
“Wilbur, man, you gotta understand, this guy named Squid was number one, I had to take him down, I didn’t have time to leave my farm for even a second-”
“Oh my fucking God, are you being serious right now-”
“Am I ever not serious with you, Wilbur?”
“For both of our sakes you had better make this the first time, I swear to God-”
Tommy, still dangling a few inches off the ground, reached out and bit Techno on the finger. He was immediately released, striding back to join Dream and an equally-stunned Tubbo. “We’d best get comfy,” He muttered to Tubbo, “Once they get started, they aren’t gonna stop.”
“Tommy,” Dream interjected, knuckles numb from how long he had been clutching the handle of his axe, “What the hell is going on?”
“Oh, hey Dream! Kinda forgot you were here- Just a good ol’ fashioned family reunion!”
“I’m not following.”
Tommy blinked a few times, frowning ever so slightly. “Did Wilbur never tell you about Techno?”
“No, he’s never mentioned him.” Dream didn’t mean to sound as frustrated as he did, but he didn’t bother to fix it once it came out, either.
“Huh. Weird.” Tommy shrugged and slung his arm around Tubbo’s shoulders, pulling his friend close to his side. “Yeah, all three of us are adopted, me, Wilbur, and Techno. Grew up together and all that junk. Great way to raise a child, really, in a household with a veteran survivalist and a piglin hybrid. I’m just glad Wilbur wasn’t fucking bonkers as well, otherwise I might’ve turned out a lot less cool than I did.”
“Yeah, sure, we can go with cool,” Tubbo muttered, leaning his head on Tommy’s shoulder. His friend made a little Pfft sound and flicked him on the nose. “Ow, hey!”
“Serves you right.”
“Oh, come on now, that really isn’t-”
Dream turned around and left. He was done. Just done. He did not have the patience required to sit there and listen to Wilbur and Technoblade argue as well as Tommy and Tubbo starting to argue. He just couldn’t do it. George and Sapnap would totally understand if he came home early.
When Wilbur’s voice had crackled over the radio in Niki’s bedroom telling her to be prepared for him bringing another brother by her café, she had not been expecting a wanted man to trail after him inside.
Fundy and her had been sitting around playing cards when they had gotten the message, and Fundy was here now, too, staring at the pink-haired stranger with every ounce of wild fox he didn’t claim to be. His ears were twitching, his tail was swaying, and Niki was pretty sure his pupils had constricted a bit; She was half-expecting him to start growling right then and there.
She understood where Fundy was coming from, really. Before she had found the SMP lands, she was a wanderer, drifting from village to village to try and hold a job long enough to get money to eat. It wasn’t exactly a stable way of life, but it worked- except for the times when she would find villages that had been burned to the ground or entirely abandoned, the only evidence of the deeds being the same Wanted posters in every single town. Not a single one was without the sketched face of a man with tusks and braided hair, though expressions and rewards would vary.
Having that very same conqueror standing behind one of her best friends in the foyer of her store was an extremely jarring experience.
“Oh, Fundy! I didn’t know you were gonna be here too, hi! Niki, Fundy, this is Technoblade. Techno, this is my friend Niki and my son Fundy.” Wilbur, forcibly oblivious to the uncomfortable air in the room, gesturing between the three of them with a wide smile on his face.
Technoblade, bloodthirsty raider and harbinger of death, swallowed, glanced at the wall, and mumbled with a wave of his hand, “Uh… Hullo...”
Niki was the first to speak after a tangibly awkward few moments. She blinked, flexed her fingers, smiled, and replied, “Hello, Technoblade. To what do we owe the pleasure?”
Technoblade winced, reaching up (effectively startling Fundy) and rubbing the back of his neck. “Pleasure’s all mine, really. Wilbur says you two run a bakery?” His face scrunched up a little bit as he tried to smile- It wasn’t forced in a bad way, really, more like he was unused to doing it.
“You’re standing in it,” Niki replied. She felt her shoulders relax a little bit against her will. (Hah, Will.) He didn’t really seem like someone she needed to fear… She was a very good judge of character in all of her past interactions, so her instincts telling her Technoblade was okay was surely a sign of something, right? “Would you like anything? We were actually closed for about an hour before you arrived, so we don’t have anything prepared, but we could throw something together?”
Technoblade very quickly shook his head, his braid flopping back and forth with it. “I wouldn’t ask you to make something only for me, I’m not gonna be rude-”
“No, it’d be fine, really! We only closed up shop because we weren’t getting any customers today in the first place, it’d be no trouble-” Fundy was not-very-discreetly signaling for her to stop talking, but she ignored him. He didn’t have to help if he didn’t want to!
“I mean- I mean, if you’re offering-” Techno cut himself off with a chuckle, sliding out from behind Wilbur, who was silently watching them get on with unabashed glee, “If you’re offerin’, I’m not gonna keep refusin’.”
Niki can't help but clap her hands at that. "Wonderful! Come here, we have a little menu drawn up over here, Fundy writes it and I draw the little pictures!"
"Oh, those pictures are super cute." Techno nodded sagely, like this was a very delicate matter.
"Indeed." Niki was fully prepared to play along. She stroked at her chin and gained a pensive expression, sighing through her nose ever so slightly. "Alas, Sir Fundy the Furry tells me that my drawings take up too much room on the board and that he has no space to write the actual menu. How unfortunate.”
“ I’M NOT A FUCKING FURRY! ” Fundy squawked from a little ways into the kitchen.
“Furry says what?” Wilbur muttered from behind his hand.
“What?” Fundy called back. “I couldn’t hear that!”
Niki started to cackle with laughter. Fundy stuck his head around the corner, nostrils flaring. “What the fuck did you say, Wilbur?”
Techno shook his head sadly. “Fundy, dude, d’you wanna start up a Falsely Accused Of Being A Furry Club?”
“You too, man?” The fox asked as he stepped fully out, untying the apron he had just put on and tossing it to Niki, who caught it with ease and laughed all the way into the back of the bakery, “Yeah, we should. What would that shorten up to?”
“Uhh… F-A-B-F-C, I believe,” Techno replied. Fundy hummed and leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. “FABFC? Sounds like we’re fabulously saying fuck, I’m in.”
“ Guys ,” Niki gasped as she emerged halfway through making a little single-serving cake, flour dusting her fingers and hair, “ We should throw a party .”
The two members of the newly formed FABFC had two vastly different reactions; Fundy perked up, gasped as well, and exclaimed, “ We should! ”, whilst Techno slumped and groaned, “Noooooooough…”
“Aw, c’mon, man!” Wilbur prodded, reaching over to jab Techno in the side with his elbow, “It’ll be fun! Everyone can come by to meet you!”
“Exactly, Wil, that’s gonna be so much socialization in one night, I think I would genuinely rather hurl myself off a cliff into the ocean than put up with that.”
“Okay, well, think about it this way,” Niki joined in, patting off her hands on her apron, “If you go ahead and do it all tonight, you won’t have to do any of it later on!”
“...Fair point.” Techno muttered, tapping his thigh as he mulled it over.
“T- Big Crime, you’re gonna love Techno, he likes setting shit on fire too, just try not to hit it off too well, we don’t wanna burn down the Coconut bakery-”
“You mean you don’t want to burn down the bakery,” Big Crime interjected as he let himself be dragged along by a very overexcited Tommy. Tommy didn’t bother to protest; He merely shrugged (which was rather awkward, given that he was holding onto Big Crime’s hand) and tugged a little harder.
“C’mon, man, we’re gonna end up late if we don’t speed this up,” Tommy complained.
Big Crime flattened his mouth out into a thin line, narrowing his eyes at his friend. “The party doesn’t start for another 30 minutes and I can hear Fundy yelling from here,” He deadpanned. He did pick up his pace, though, much to Tommy’s glee. The taller boy whooped and kicked up some of the sand from the beach. Big Crime barked out a laugh and did the same, though he very pointedly aimed it at Tommy, who yelped in offense and went to hit him in the ribs. He failed. Big Crime caught him by the elbow, spun him around with a taunting noise, and let him loose into the ocean. Watching Tommy struggle back onto dry sand with a piece of kelp stuck in his hair made Big Crime laugh all the way to the bakery.
The bakery looked a lot different than the last time he had seen it- Which, admittedly, may have been because the last time he saw it was well over a month ago, since he hadn’t been allowed to be the metaphorical head of the table in a while, but something still told him it didn’t normally look this done up. Fairy lights were strung up and lit from the side of the hill all the way around the patio roof as well as in-between the posts leading out to the dock. The doors were open to their fullest extent, held open by barrels that had been stuffed with peonies, and, upon further inspection, lit up with dimly glowing eyes on ender at the base of the plants. When no-one was looking, Big Crime reached in and swiped one, dropping it into his inventory pocket as soon as possible.
There were only a few small tables set up in the inside; The rest had been pushed up against the walls to make room for a colorful platform surrounded by spinning redstone lamps. A dance floor, most likely. At the counter, Fundy was sat on top of the diorite overhang, legs dangling as he chatted with Wilbur Soot. The president had changed his outfit up a little bit, his old white shirt and brown trousers exchanged for a dark red button-up and black slacks, though his signature revolutionary coat was hung up on a hanger near the door. When he passed by it, Big Crime reached into the nearest pocket and drew out the first thing his fingers found, which turned out to be three ender pearls. Score.
At the tables, a group of three was sat around one of the tables, a half-eaten pastry in the center. Big Crime recognized Niki immediately, and while it took him a second to recall the name, he remembered Quackity as well- Meaning that the third person was Technoblade. His hair, while in a braid, had quite a few strands frizzed out or falling in his face. Big Crime could only assume he had been here for a while.
“Let’s go make that party of three a party of five,” He demanded, grabbing Tommy by the wrist and dragging him towards the group. Oh, how the tables have turned.
Tommy pouted at being taken away from his beeline towards Wilbur for only a second before he noticed Technoblade in the seat furthest the left. Face immediately brightening, he scurried over, practically throwing himself into the seat beside him. Big Crime sat down to Tommy’s right, completing the circle. Quackity, to his right, reached over and clapped him on the shoulder, while Niki gave him a soft smile in greeting from Techno’s right.
“-like you to meet my friend here,” Tommy babbled, pointing at Big Crime with unconcealed excitement.
Technoblade raised a pink eyebrow. “I’ve already met Tubbo, Tommy.”
“I’m not Tubbo,” Big Crime interjected before Tommy could go off on a tangent, extending his hand for a handshake, “The name’s Big Crime. Pleasure to meet you.”
Techno only stared for a second before he shrugged, made a little “Meh,” sound, and shook his hand. “Technoblade,” He replied, “But any form of shortening is fine by me.”
“Alright then, Mr. Blade,” Replied Big Crime as he dropped the ring he had slid off the warrior’s finger into his other waiting hand, looking the man in the eyes as he grinned, eyes shining, “I’ve been told you and me may share a common interest involving fire and the damaging of public property?”
Schlatt knew that Tubbo had a couple of different alternate personalities that liked to shine through at inopportune moments.
Schlatt knew that Technoblade, infamous near-god of all things competitive, had come to town.
Schlatt knew that Niki and Fundy were hosting a little party at their bakery down by the docks to give the server-wide celebrity a chance to meet everyone, and vice-versa.
What Schlatt did not know was what the fuck he was supposed to do when he approached the bakery only to hear “ YOU ARE THE LAW, YOU CANNOT FUCK YOURSELF ” booming from within the open doors.
He was half-tempted to just turn his ass around right then and there and not put up with this nonsense, but curiosity won out over the sweet temptation of taking a nap for the next ten thousand years, so he strode inside and tried to find the source of the yell.
Lo and behold, Big Law, the glorious bastard, was stood at a table with Niki, Quackity, Tommy, and a boar-tusked man Schlatt could only assume to be Technoblade, chair knocked backwards onto the floor, hands planted on the table as he stared down Technoblade, who was in a similar state of upheaval. Both were panting rather heavily and glaring like they could spontaneously combust the other with just a heated glare.
“Exactly, I am the law, I think I get to decide whether or not saying red fireworks are shit is a war crime.”
Schlatt stared at the two for a long, long moment before shoving his hands in his pockets and making his way over to the counter where Wilbur and Fundy were watching the scene go down. “You guys got any drinks?” He muttered to Fundy, trying his damndest to ignore the slam of Technblade’s fist on the table and his shout of, “ If saying that lie isn’t a war crime yet, I will fucking MAKE IT a crime! ”
“No you won’t, pig-man! I made the law! ”
“ Bite me , you little-”
“You wanna settle this in court, big man? Huh?”
“ Court? That’s not how court works, what the fuck kind of court-”
“ My court!”
“He does actually own a courthouse, Techno,” Tommy piped in.
“ Who let this rat child have a courthouse! ”
Fundy turned his back on the conversation with an unreadable expression on his face. “Drinks are in the back. I’m going with.” He muttered. Schlatt made a noncommittal noise of agreement and let the fox lead the way.