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Under the Influence

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Adam stared at Ronan's back as he stirred something on the stove, a surprise, and the longer Adam stared, the more he thought, and the more he thought, the more he came to realize, and the more he came to realize, the more he wanted to cry from happiness, and guilt, and fear, and joy, and shame, and he couldn’t stop thinking

 

He watched as the jet black wings flexed and curled around Ronan’s shoulders and up the base of his neck as he stirred. He watched as his arm muscles flexed when his grip around the spatula changed. And all Adam kept thinking was oh

 

Adam heard Ronan’s voice in his head, I want to make you something tonight, it’s a surprise, as he gave that lopsided and mischievous grin along with that playful glint in his eye, and Adam flashed a smile and agreed as he sat down at the kitchen table. As Adam thought, he heard that tone in Ronan’s voice and its underlying meaning, let me take care of you, and Ronan gave the biggest grin, albeit mischievous when Adam agreed without a fight, and Adam thought oh

 

While whatever was in the pot simmered, Ronan came over with a glass of wine. When the two of them shared wine, it was never a romantic gesture as if trying to prepare a big and elaborate dinner for a date. That wasn’t Lynch and Parrish at all. Rather, it was simply a beverage that Ronan would randomly pick up from the grocery store on his way home because he never got carded, and that the two of them enjoyed together, and Adam never would have accepted it from anyone other than Ronan. Why? Adam thought. But he felt like Ronan knew why even if he didn’t. Ronan had that annoying gift when it came to Adam. But Adam felt it.

 

Adam lifted the glass to his lips and took a sip as Ronan slid into the chair across from him with his own glass, and Adam thought about how this was only something he would ever want to share with Ronan and no one else, and he thought oh

 

After all of this time with Ronan, Adam never realized what it was he was actually feeling. He knew it was something big and different and important, but this was new. All of the other big and important things he always felt were never good, and that was what he grew up expecting and what he thought he deserved, and yet here was Ronan. Here was pain-in-the-ass, reckless, self-destructive, caring, thoughtful, intensely loyal, amazing Ronan Lynch here with him, happily and willingly with him, and as Adam thought of this now, he realized that he was no longer confused by it, or scared of it.

 

“Why do you keep staring at me, Parrish?” Ronan’s voice pulled Adam away from his thoughts, and he looked up to Ronan’s eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“You’re thinking about something in that big fuckin’ brain of yours. You’re staring.”

 

“Sorry,” Adam said as he averted his eyes. “I’m just…” Adam thought for a moment as he looked around the kitchen to the stovetop and the counter space surrounding it. He looked at the black and white checkered potholder that was slung lazily across the counter, the wooden spoon propped up against the pot, how the light from the overhead stove vent cast an almost angelic glow over the white backsplash as the setting sun began to shade the kitchen.

 

“Happy,” Adam said, but it sounded like a question. Ronan raised an eyebrow but Adam spoke again before Ronan could open his mouth. 

 

“I realized that you love me, and I want you to, and I love you. I just didn’t know it until just now.” Ronan looked confused, but he let Adam continue as his thoughts began to flow more freely with the help of the wine.

 

“I mean, I’ve always felt it, that I loved you, but I didn’t know that what I was feeling was love. I don’t know what I thought it was. I never thought that love was something that I could just have, I thought I would have to work for it,” Adam paused briefly. He fleetingly realized that he probably sounded pathetic, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be honest.

 

“But I saw your face and how happy you looked when I agreed to you making dinner and without offering help,” Adam’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he gave a small smile to hopefully get another perfect one out of Ronan. “And I realized that you like doing it and it makes you happy, so that makes me happy. It’ll still take me a while to get used to letting you do things for me, but if it makes you hap--”

 

Ronan stood up abruptly and kissed Adam hard from across the table. “About fucking time, Parrish,” Ronan said as he peered down at Adam with another lopsided smirk. Adam looked up at him with those crinkled eyes, and to Ronan, it felt like Adam was beaming.