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Morning star

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"So, are you saying that not only we've been married for more than ten years... but we also had a daughter together?"

"Yes. And our daughter's name is B—I mean, her name is Eunha."

It still felt so strange to him. To think that fifteen years have passed by since the last memory that he could recall. And that in those missing memories he somehow got himself married to a beautiful woman... and had a child together.

It was somehow difficult to believe... for him to be able to have that kind of life.

All his life, people around him had always viewed him as someone who was very different than the rest of them. Added with the revelation that his father was a notorious serial killer, there was no doubt that there won't be any chance for him to live a normal and peaceful life.

That said, how could he... a son of a serial killer, be married to a policewoman? Granted that they were married while he took on a false identity, how could it be possible for someone like Detective Cha Jiwon to still accept him as her husband once his real identity was exposed? When she found out his real identity, she must have felt so betrayed... right? After all, she was part of the re-investigation team for the serial murder case committed by his father. Shouldn't she of all person be wary of him? Why didn't she? Knowing his inability to feel or understand emotions, why did she still cling on to her attachment towards him? How could she still believe that he had some feelings for her when all of that emotions could've been faked by him in the past to get her to marry him?

It felt so suffocating, whenever Detective Cha occupied his thoughts. Detective Cha seemed like a good person, yet because of him, she was tied to his unfortunate fate since she was his wife. That was why he tried to get her to give up on him. Getting Yang to testify to help with his sister's case is one thing, but he wanted Detective Cha to know how much he was capable of manipulating the emotions of others so that she wouldn't place too much hope on him.

He should let her go. Because he had no confidence that he could do anything to make her happy without lying or faking anything. Detective Cha Jiwon had seemed to be a good person and it bothered him to see her looking so hurt every time they see each other.

He should let her go. And to do that, he needed to get her to stop liking him. Even if it meant saying or doing things that would make her feel hurt. He needed to push her away.

Yet... 

Yet why did it feel so painful to him? For him to make her feel very sad...

xxx

"You and I... somehow got lost during our journey in life. We'll end up wandering around a lot. And that's why we need to have a starting point... so that we wouldn't get lost again."

"You will not be here. Who will help me find the answer?"

"You're the only person... who knows the answer."

Hyunsu let out a long sigh after a few minutes passed with neither of them talking. He turned his head towards his sister.

"So even YOU think that I should try to get back my lost memories, huh?"

His sister just smiled at him weakly.

"You didn't remember this now but let me tell you something that happened a few months ago. Back then you started telling me that you had been married and had a daughter, and I could see how eager you have been when you said that Eunha had grown up as a normal child." Haesu gave him a meaningful look. "When I asked you if you loved her, you said that you don't. But I've known you for as long as I could remember."

"You loved Detective Cha a lot. You loved your daughter a lot as well. When you showed me the picture of your daughter and your family, I could tell that they were the most precious people in your heart. I could see that you were proud to have them be a part of your family. You were happy back then."

Haesu shrugged at him.

"You may have lost the memories of those two now, but I don't think that the love you had for them was lost as well."

"Remember mom? When mom disappeared, you got ill for a long time and lost the memories you had of her from the previous years. But then there's still that recording mom left for you and listening to it had always calmed you down and made you happy. That feeling was the same thing."

"I said this to Detective Cha when she came to talk to me before I was released. That I wished for her to cease to suffer. Even if it meant that she have to let you go."

His sister edged closer to him before holding his hands gently.

"Even then, I know that she's the only one who could make you happy again. Hyunsu, you need to get her back. To do that, you need to get back your memories."

xxx

"Go back to the beginning, Hyunsu. The past may hold the key to recovering the important memories that you don't want to lose."

It took him a while for him to find the old neighbourhood. Detective Cha had mentioned it briefly before when she tried to get him to remember. She used to say that their first date was the moment she knew for sure that he loved her.

Hyunsu took a few steps towards an alley that somewhat drew him towards it.

To be honest, he did not know what to expect from doing this. Since he wasn't sure himself on what actions he could do that could trigger any memories that he wanted to find to come out. Since so far, all of the bits and pieces that came back to him were mostly random. At times he wasn't even doing anything and then a tiny piece of memory would then decided to come back without warning.

And those memories would barely make any sense to him...

Hyunsu kept walking idly along the small alley before stopping himself as he reached an intersection. Something about this spot felt familiar. Yet he couldn't recall anything about coming to this spot before.

"It suddenly rained that day so the two of us had to run to find a shelter. Did that ring a bell or something?"

Just like the time when Detective Cha tried to jog his memory by telling him about the memory of the past, standing at this spot did nothing to make him remember. So what was it he supposed to do? Hyunsu started glancing around him. Detective Cha said before that they were trying to escape the rain so—Hyunsu took a step towards the house in front of him as he leaned his back against the wall. If he was trying to avoid the rain, the likeliest choice that he'd make would be to huddle close towards the small space underneath the overhang...

Without warning, he suddenly heard the sound of rain emanating all around him. He glanced up towards the sky to see that it was still clear. Yet he could still hear the sounds in his ears as if the rain was happening exactly where he was right now... 

"Am I unlucky or what? So much for a first date."

He blinked in surprise. Did he just imagined that? Was that a memory of the past returning or was it something he created out of his own imagination? Hyunsu turned his head to the side.

"Has it ever occurred to you... that you're the only one who doesn't know? That you liked me."

He couldn't quite believe what was happening. It was as if someone just placed a small screen beside him and replayed a scene from his past!

He could almost see a ghost of a memory of Detective Cha standing beside him as she spoke to him. Without thinking, he stepped away and turned his attention towards the spot that Cha Jiwon should have stood in the past. Immediately he felt a chill as another flash of memory—even clearer now—materialized before his eyes.

An image of a younger Cha Jiwon... smiling to him. For some reason, tears started to fill his eyes as the memory of that rainy day came back to him. His heart has started to beat faster too though he's not sure why it happened.

It took him a while before he started to notice that the light vibration he was feeling was coming from his phone that he kept in his jacket.