"You don't understand what I'm saying" Killua chuckles darkly, tears still pierce and burn in his eyes in such a cruel manner, as a memento, a symbol of how much he's endured and how much it haunts him, all of it.
"Then let me try and understand!" Gon exclaims, and it sounds so desperate Killua's very soul aches, because even if he tried to explain, words wouldn't ever be able to make Gon understand that Killua would give absolutely anything for him.
So Killua sighs, resigned and sad and he wishes he could be selfish and hug Gon and tuck him in his chest, with so much love and so much care he can forget everything that has happened before this. So he can get over the hazy nostalgia on everything they lived when they were silly twelve-year-olds when they met.
It makes him space out. Thinking of it all.
It makes him feel uneasy in the most intoxicating of ways, makes him feel like he wasn't the one experiencing this. Like it never happened, like he was just dreaming of his adventures with this magical, and way too good to be the true hyperactive boy he adores, and in the morning he'll wake up, 12 years-old again, back in the Zoldyck mansion, and faced with the fact that things aren't so easy.
He can't just have something so wonderful handed over to him because that's just not how things work.
He will wake up cold and unloved and without Gon. And it'll be ingrained in his memory from that day forward, that things don't change.
But it hasn't happened yet, so he tastes this moment for as long as he can.
He closes his eyes, and he reaches for Gon's soft gentle hands, and when he feels them they're warm and it feels like balm to Killua's wounds and doubts.
So he loses himself in Gon's warmth, in his light.
He intertwines their fingers, and his hands are soft and delicate and yet so strong and steady, and Killua feels like he might just not be able to live without them.
He doesn't need to explain as he pulls Gon into a hug.
It's tight and comforting in the best of ways, and Killua never wants to let go as he presses his hand against the back of Gon's neck, pulling, demanding, and it's not something he would usually let himself do, but he's dizzy and his head spins because he inhales deeply, and all he is surrounded by is Gon.
And it's wonderful.
Killua closes his eyes and lets himself sink in, deeper and deeper, and he doesn't know where the shallow part ends and the unreliable, dark cold pit of endless water begins, but he'll only know if he's brave enough to jump into the water, so he does, and so he starts speaking as he holds on to Gon's body against him with a tenderness he didn't know he was capable of expressing.
"You are my life" he begins. "You are everything I've ever wanted, Gon."
Gon shifts, and Killua can feel his nose in his neck, breathing softly, and Gon has mentioned how Killua's scent is so particular, and one of his favorites, but it takes such a huge turn now, and so Killua is smiling before he can even register it, and he keeps going, tightening the hug even more, until he's flush against Gon and it's so natural on itself he might as well just die right now because this is all he's ever wished for.
"Love feels like a word too small to describe all I feel for you." He confesses in a whisper.
And Gon suddenly shifts in his grasp and pulls back just enough so that Killua can see those golden eyes, but his hands are still oh so wonderfully surrounded by him. Best of both worlds is all Killua can think.
"You too?" Gon asks excitedly, and if Killua thought hugging Gon was the best thing that has ever happened to him, he immediately decides he has changed his mind, and Gon implying that he -more than- loves him, is the best feeling Killua has experienced in his entire life, so he relishes, he's washed over with it in the most gentle of senses, like being washed over with a tidal wave, intoxicated with the feeling of an ocean, and the breeze and the smell of salt.
But it's Gon. It's all purely Gon, and so Killua feels like he drowns.
"It's you." He says. "It's always been you. For as long as I can remember."
He needs to stop himself for a breath
"And it'll always be you."
Killua can't find it in himself to stop speaking, but Gon is still here, taking his hands, shifting with them softly, intertwining their fingers together, taking every single one of them into his hands, and for a fraction of a second Killua thinks Gon understands what he means with all of this, but he needs him to take into perspective how his chest pries and burns and quite literally, in every sense of the word aches whenever he sees this wonderful soul in front of him, his smile, and the gentle sound of his laugh that rings throughout his ears and his brain and makes him fuzzy and warm and makes his knees go weak.
So, he goes on, and his whole body shakes because he thinks it might be time for him to say it because if he doesn't do it now, he doesn't know how many times he'll have to say it later to compensate all these years of the warm puddle of light in his stomach and the butterflies in his chest -wait, isn't it the other way around?- and the looks of pure longing, just as the yearning engraved within his mind and the soft smiles when he couldn't see him, and he knows his look softens because Alluka has pointed it out before, that he can't not smile when he says Gon's name.
"I love you." He says, but it's not enough. "So much." Still not enough, not strong enough to convey the way in which Gon absolutely and completely fills every corner of his heart, so he starts again, and the words flow out of his throat in a way he didn't command, he finally understands what people mean when they talk about letting your heart do the talking.
And suddenly it hits him, so he shifts, and now he's looking right into Gon's eyes, that are soft and listening and drinking all of Killua's words in, and Killua loves it, loves him.
Their hands intertwine again. They haven't let go of each other for at least 10 minutes now, and Killua thinks If he could spend the rest of his life like this, he gladly would.
"You are my light" he confesses, and he feels so weightless when Gon whispers his name softly, unable to hide the smile gracing his lips, and what can Killua do other than to return it. "You are my everything."
"Killua…" Gon starts, and his thumb draws circles on Killua's hand in a way that makes him feel at home, because he is. "You're everything I could ever need" he continues.
"You're so… you." Killua can't stop himself as he moves his hand from Gon's up to caress his face, and he leans in and presses his forehead against his.
He can feel Gon exhale, and he can't stop himself from keeping on and, For Christ's sake Killua, just shut up already.
"Please never leave again." He pleads.
Oh no. Killua doesn't want to go down that lane because it stings, and he doesn't want to cry, not right now.
Gon shifts, stiffens with worry, and his hands grip Killua's tighter. He shakes his head softly, and Killua thinks maybe he's not talking, because if he does he will cry, so he takes it, and takes this as far away from the sore topic as he can.
"I want to be with you, forever." It's barely a whisper, even though it's just the two of them, but it feels so right, because even though the feeling bangs and pounds and prods against his very core, Killua doesn't need to scream it for it to be true.
It's theirs, it's their moment, their secret, and it feels so right to say it out loud.
Killua cups his face gently, and Gon's eyes close, his own hands moving upwards to lay on Killua's. Killua stops breathing because it's too much but yet it'll never be enough.