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the next day

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Some days its not as bad, he can get up, out of bed, go through the routine of the morning, rely on autopilot.

He's still not really there, the fog that is sometimes all consuming isn’t completely gone, but he can make out the faint outlines of his life, even if he doesn’t always recognise them.

Dan recognises that today is one of those days, he sits on the floor of the shower, the feeling of the hot water on his back feeling far away, but at least he's showering.

His movements feel big and out of control, like he's moving at a different speed to the rest of the world. So, Dan tries not to move too much, preferring to stay mostly still, wrapping himself up in his own little bubble just to make it bearable.

From the inside its almost like none of this is real, and Dan knows that once the fog clears he will forget almost all of this, his memory filtering it out, leaving a blank day, blank week, blank month, blank.

It’s from the outside that its noticeable, he’s too still, too quiet, but he can’t even tell the difference.

Days like this tend to blur, and before he knows it a week will have passed, and he can’t even remember what happened, it’s like he wasn’t even there.

And that’s scary. Where does he go? Its easy to lose sight of yourself.

But he holds out for the next day. The next day.

If he's not here today, then he will be the next day.

Its easier now, he doesn’t have to be so alone. Years spent shut away, but now it’s better, some days.

He watches as the morning light begins to shine through the gaps in the curtains, watches the yellow light bounce off the walls, illuminating the bed.

He lies there still, almost scared to recognise what kind of day it’ll be, it feels as though its been so long since he's properly seen.

Dan can hear the sound of the road outside, Phil's light breaths next to him, as he stares at the ceiling, just taking it all in.

Its been so long, and its all too much, the feeling of feeling washes over him.

Its too early to cry, but there’s a damp patch on the pillow.

Phil begins to stir next to him, but its too soon, he just needs a little longer, the feeling of peace he so sought after only just settling in.

He's still wrapped in the safety blanket of the pink light of morning, this is good, this is better. The world finally saturated again.

Phil reaches out to him in his half-awake state, and Dan snuggles into the warmth.

It doesn’t feel like its been long since he felt this comfort, but he knows his perception of time is off.

Finally feeling the comfort of another person next to him, and he can breath again.