Nothing can pull me away from your embrace,
I’m not going anywhere
Looking back on those years, it felt like a distant dream. A fictional story full of child-like innocence and unending sense of adventure. Where the world was simpler, but remained unkind.
Some nights were shared sitting side by side whispering promises of better days and future years spent with one another. Easily amused and amazed as they performed little tricks the adults would deem “inappropriate” and “unnecessary” to each other. A flame dancing along fingertips. Soft feathers zipping through the air to tickle pale skin.
While other nights, his taloned fingers carefully wiped away silent tears, shushed whimpers of pain, and comforted the cries of needing a mother’s cool touch on fresh burns. His red wings served as a safety blanket, hiding them away from the terrors beyond and creating a thin space of security and warmth.
A white haired boy with beautiful turquoise eyes clutched tightly onto his shirt. The bandages wrapped around skinny arms began to stain with blood.
“Please don’t leave me, Keigo.” The boy said between sniffles.
“I won’t ever leave you, Touya. I’m staying right here.”
Here we go again, I hear the sound of pain
Flowing slowly through my veins
There were two things about Hawks that can be considered blessings and curses: his determination and his intelligence.
Each drilled and carved into his mind during childhood, reshaped and practiced throughout adolescence, and perfected into adulthood. Self-sacrifice became an adaptation from these two traits which made him a prime candidate to carry out this honorable task for the Commission. It was always going to be him. They’re the ones that raised him and built him into who he was, after all.
The mission was simple. Infiltrate, Extract, and Deliver. He heard the stories of the quirk user whose flames rivaled Endeavor’s, leaving any victim unable to beg for mercy as they met their inevitable fate.
Excuse his curiosity and enthusiasm when he came face-to-face with the person who was apparently ‘too grotesque to behold’ to find out that he was, figuratively and literally, very hot.
This was going to be so much fun.
Blue eyes resembled a far off cosmos, jet black hair that looked (and felt) like raven’s feathers, and ivory skin that deeply contrasted with deep purple scarring. Dabi, though his looks may be considered off-putting to most and that damn attitude was enough to scare away the most patient people, was a person who had seen it all and possessed a deep conviction to correct the faults of this era.
Perhaps there was something about the villain that felt nostalgic. It had drawn him in so easily, but he couldn’t figure out why. There were pieces that wanted to fit the puzzle, but were too jagged. Forgotten memories rose up to the surface, but he was quick to shove them back down.
He placed his bets on the thrill of it all. The euphoric satisfaction of adrenaline pumping through his veins of running straight into the unknown. The rush is worth the price he’d eventually pay.
Their relationship took off faster than anything he’s ever known. Yes, even faster than the fastest hero in Japan, the Number Two himself, Hawks.
Their relationship was also wrong and they knew it. He could hear his handlers patronizing him about his poor life decisions, how he’s a disgrace as one of the biggest faces in hero society, and how fraternizing with the enemy could potentially damage and compromise what they’ve worked so hard to achieve.
This was exactly one of the reasons why he indulged so recklessly in the first place. He was finally allowing himself to break the rules, no longer adhering to the ridiculously high standards others set for him, that this decision was his and his alone.
A stupid decision, no doubt. That much he could agree with. Who the hell would get involved with a serial murderer? What kind of hero was he to fall so hard for someone he knew deep down would set him on fire the moment his back was turned? Why set himself up for a world of disappointment and heartache knowing what he desired is dangerous and impossible? How can someone consistently let their biggest weakness make him feel wanted, complete, whole?
These thoughts along with the recent demise of one of his fellow heroes weighed heavily on his back, but he couldn’t allow it to show. At least not until Dabi showed up as he was talking to some Liberation members who recognized him.
“Hey, what are you doing there, Number two? You look quite happy!”
“Ah! I’m looking forward to meeting the rest of the gang!”
It all started with that touch. Nothing significant or special. Dabi completely caught him off guard. A friendly gesture, maybe even a forced one and not at all friendly, but in any case, it was a rare circumstance he found himself in the middle of. An arm slung around his shoulders with enough force that made his posture slouch. And paired with that damn smile? He was fucked.
I know that you’re playing
I hate it so much I love it
What would be the repercussions if I let you inside me?
“You realize what you’re asking, Birdie?”
The cigarette smoke was so heavy in the bar that it blurred his vision, but it gave an effect to emphasize the painstakingly obvious flush on his cheeks. The idea of sleeping with each other only crossed his mind a handful of times, but he never thought he would boldly suggest it in midst of their overly flirtatious banter. Guess this was why he decided to stop drinking. Nothing good ever came from it.
“Of course, I do. That’s how I am, hotshot. When I see something I want, I take it.”
He tried to tell himself he didn’t want this as much as he thought he did. The almost primal need to be close, to dig his way through the rough patchwork and hideous scars to leave Dabi feeling as exposed as he was.
Dabi quirks an eyebrow, “Alright then, I’ll bite. Show me what you got.”
Hawks stood out of his seat on wobbly knees, paid for their tab, and dragged Dabi outside to lead them to their destination.
His place is closer anyway. Though that didn’t stop Dabi from pulling Hawks into a dark enough alleyway to ravage his mouth and manhandle his small frame, giving him a small taste of what he was getting himself into, and god, he was already hooked.
It's so dangerous I want it
Guess you got me where you want me
I don't care that I'm addicted
“Last chance to back out, Birdie.” Dabi said before biting into the tanned flesh of his neck.
Hawks sucked in a breath through his teeth, but his legs locked around the villain’s waist to keep him there, encouraging him to continue. “Do you forget who you’re talking to, hot stuff? I’m not backing out now.” We’ve made it this far anyway.
Suddenly, Dabi ceased his ministrations on the hero’s body, busy hands stopped roaming and the hot mouth paused its exploration. They locked eyes, gold connected with blue, as they tangled themselves into the silken sheets of Hawks’ bed.
It’s probably a mistake to have brought Dabi here. Inside his home. The only place where he found solitude. The only place where he can be Keigo, not Hawks. This was his safe haven and now it was being broken into and he allowed it.
At any point moving forward, this place could be burst into flame in the dead of night. Someone could sneak into his room and slit his throat while he sleeps, but there was a voice persuading him that the risk was worth it.
His body felt like it was standing over the edge of a cliff where a busy ravine was ready to sweep him away, but the water was so blue - like those eyes - that he willingly dived straight down, consequences be damned.
If the synapses in his brain weren’t firing off all at once, he would have taken a moment to properly process Dabi’s next words, but he was so far gone to thoroughly pay attention to the hidden message being insinuated.
“Oh, I know exactly who I’m talking to.”
Oh my God
He took me to the sky
Oh my God
He showed me all the stars
Dabi’s lips were back on his as he took Hawks for his own, claiming his body with every thrust. Each heated touch seared into his naked skin like a brand. The only person to ever treat him like a normal person, not a celebrity or a powerful hero, to use him in a way that was different than others have, to strip him down to bare bones and leave him feeling vulnerable, to rip the mask of practiced perfection off his face and reveal the crumbled man underneath.
There was a goal in Dabi’s mind that he accomplished the moment he stepped through the door: to ruin him. Mind, body, and soul. Dabi permanently squeezed himself between Hawks’ heart and his lungs, making it difficult to breathe, but removing him would be detrimental to his health (and to his mission) so he adapted.
Nails dug into Dabi’s back as he was brought to climax. His voice was wrecked when he cried out from overstimulation, but it did nothing stop the sound of skin slapping against skin. White spots danced in his vision and tears rolled down his face as he teetered on the line of pain and pleasure.
The man above him made him feel like he was drowning. A tidal wave that knocked into him as his head rose above water, barely giving him enough time to catch his breath before dragging him back down again, but it was the lightheaded feeling and the numbing, tingling sensation in his limbs that had Hawks craving for more.
Losing all my senses when you
Pull me close I don't know how to
Let go of this passion
So just burn me with your loving
Over the course of a few short weeks, Hawks wondered how long he had been deprived of basic human need for companionship or personal connection.
He didn’t know what made him click with Dabi and establish a bond which seemed inseparable.
It could be the shared trauma they discussed in passing. Never going into too many details, but enough to get the point across.
Maybe it was the way Dabi did whatever the hell he wanted and didn’t give a damn of what he had to say about it. Waltzing around his apartment even when he wasn’t present and acting like he owned the place. It was annoying. Frustrating. What if he’d been seen? What if someone had called the authorities? What if-
“Careful, hero. I can hear the gears turning in there.” Dabi mumbled as two arms slipped their way around his waist. Dabi’s chest was pressed against his back, squishing his wings.
The touches made his body stiff. With all the layers he was wearing along with Dabi’s unnatural body heat, he started to sweat.
He’ll blame it on the sudden change in temperature or the way the room spun when two-toned lips grazed the back of his neck, but his rational thoughts were incoherent when he said, “Then give me something else to think about.”
So Dabi did.
I can't control this desire
We get close the flames get higher
Nothing can put out this fire
This became a routine now.
Dabi would reach out to him to gain new intel or assign a new task to be done, and after Hawks had done his part, they would grab and pull at each other with a vice-like grip. Fighting one another for dominance in hopes to gain control over the smallest aspect of their chaotic lives. Bruising each other to shake away the frustrations and stress of the last several days since the last time they’d come into contact.
Put your hands all over
Want your smell on me forever
I'm losing my composure
Can't nobody do me better
What the hell was he doing?
Hawks found himself doing things he never imagined doing.
He was never the type to sleep around. He only wanted to get rid of the feeling of being scorched and loving it.
What better way to get over a man than getting under another one.
But it wasn’t enough. He hated the others. His brain didn’t want to turn off and get lost in the moment. Everything about them was repulsive. The sounds they made were the worst he’d ever heard. The number of times he’d lost count asking them to stop, making up an excuse to leave, and returning home with bubbling frustration and added confusion.
Why was this happening?
He lit a cigarette, the same brand Dabi used, on the balcony of his apartment. He had no intention to use it for its purpose, but to have the scent of nicotine soothe him. To leave it lingering on his clothes and on his skin so when he fell back on the cold mattress, he’d close his eyes and imagine what he couldn’t have.
Dabi was a drug that he couldn’t live without. He was a desperate man pacing back and forth, waiting to get his fix. Nothing else gave him the satisfaction and mind-blowing high that he does.
It’s Dabi. Only Dabi.
And when a notification buzzed on his phone with a message from an unknown number asking to meet, Hawks made a mad dash out his window.
Time and time again
I told myself I need to let go
Then I fall right back
Into your arms
Hawks gasped for breath when Dabi pulled him into a kiss. They left a meeting with the PLF. Finalizing all the details of what to prepare for once Shigaraki awakened.
He had full intention of gathering the information and reporting it back to the Commission, but something - or someone - grabbed him from around the corner to attack his mouth. An ambush he thought he was prepared for.
“This is wrong. We need to stop.” His voice was breathless. The protests betrayed him when he kissed back with full force, taking claim of those two-toned lips.
“Then tell me you don’t want this.”
He hesitated. Why?
Dabi smirked, pulling his body away from Hawks’ before leaning in to whisper in his ear, “Meet me in my room tonight.”
No. No more of this. He’d gotten too attached already. He needed to be the one to break this. “I won’t be there.”
“We’ll see about that.”
Nothing can pull me away
From your embrace
I'm not going anywhere
Hawks knew what was happening tomorrow yet he found himself in the same situation he vowed never to be in again: splayed across Dabi’s bed, aching and pleading for one last time.
This was his way of saying goodbye without ever having to say it out loud.
This was the last time they could be together like this before the fantasy world he surrounded himself in came crashing down. Dabi will no longer look at him with eyes full of affection and vulnerability. No longer seen as a lover or a friend but as a traitor.
Hawks was distracted when he slowly pushed Dabi inside of him, and Dabi wasn’t a fool. He noticed immediately and pulled Hawks out of his spiraling thoughts by forcing him to look his way.
“What’s wrong, Birdie?”
The question split Hawks in two, ripped him straight through the seams. Tears began to fall without him noticing until Dabi reached up to wipe them away. He couldn't confess what was eating away at his core. It was too late. The warm body beside him wasn’t enough to combat the cold. The large room started to feel smaller. He felt suffocated, the silence was deafening, but then…
Warmth. A comfortable warm and perfect pressure draped itself around him. The darkness that quickly swallowed him suddenly washed away with the low light of a blue flame. He was brought back to reality to see Dabi holding him in a tight embrace, shushing the quiet whimpers in his throat. Their bodies were still connected, and Hawks shivered at the pressure building in his belly.
His arms wrapped around Dabi’s neck to pull him closer. He couldn’t tell Dabi what was to come when the sun rose from the horizon. He couldn’t confess the plans brewing to see him fall, and he couldn’t confess the feelings he’d felt for months now. Too afraid of the outcome if they were reciprocated.
Hawks would drop everything he worked for to stay by Dabi’s side. However, he did allow himself to say this:
“Please don’t leave me.” Barely above a whisper, but according to Dabi’s response, it was loud and clear.
“I won’t. I’m staying right here.”
Those words shouldn’t have hurt the way it did. They reminded him of time long ago. A broken promise.
This was all bad timing. The foul taste of bile flooded the back of his tongue. His selfishness made him feel dirty for saying things knowing the moment Dabi fell asleep, he would be the one to leave.
But this was their final night together, and instead of what they'd grown accustomed to, they made love to each other for the first and last time.
Here we go again
I hear the sound of pain
Flowing slowly through my veins
The flickering of blue flames danced in his field of view. The same blue flame that comforted him when he was a child, and the same blue flame that saved him from his own demise the night before.
How can something be so beautiful yet so destructive?
He couldn’t bring himself to focus as every feather on his back was burnt to ash. The pain was unbearable as it licked his skin. The crackling of distant sparks and roaring of fire flooded his ears, threatening to rupture his eardrums. His body was shutting down as the shadow of death, a name he thought was dead and buried, a white haired boy with beautiful turquoise eyes, loomed over his body.
Now, he remembered why Dabi gave off this sense of familiarity when they first met, recalled what he meant on the night they spent hours studying and memorizing each other’s bodies, and revitalized the memory of awakening the person he tried so desperately to hide behind a black veil - Takami Keigo.
It was a shame he discovered this too late. He was an idiot who flew right into danger and had no means of stopping himself. He should’ve seen this coming. He knew it was all too good to be true. Now, as he felt himself reaching the bottom floor of that unforgiving ravine he dived into, the question lingered: was it all worth it?
“See ya, Hawks. Your life’s another thing I don’t care about.”
I guess not.