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Shittymaru

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1.

Kambe Shigemaru hadn't intended to die. It just happened. 

At first he was duking it out with his long-lost son, who told him to go eat a dick. Shigemaru had never eaten any dick, for the only marriage he'd ever had was with a woman and he'd ended that spectacularly poorly. Plus, he just didn't want to. 

And he wouldn't ever get to, because in the next moment a police officer shot him in the back. Shigemaru fell on his face. He did not get up again. 

When he opened his eyes, he found himself laying on his back, miraculously devoid of pain. The sky was a beautiful blue with clouds drifting past, birds chirping, sun shining. Shigemaru thought he could lay here for a bit. Take a nap. He hadn't had a break since becoming CEO of the Kambe company, becoming ex-CEO of the Kambe company, and then becoming an expensive, murdering, thieving thug. Whew, capitalism. Soul-sucking, amirite? 

He began to close his eyes, then a shadow fell upon his face. 

"Hello.” Chosuke stood over him with crossed arms. He smiled pleasantly, like he was talking about the weather. Behind him, Takei loomed with a baseball bat. "Are you ready for hell?" 

"Aw,” said Shigemaru. “Shit.”

 


 

2. 

Of all the people Shigemaru expected to walk into the interrogation room, he wasn't expecting his son.

"This is improper protocol, isn't it," said Shigemaru, but Daisuke ignored him and sat down on the opposite chair. "Oi, son."

Daisuke glanced at his watch. He looked over at the closed door. Then he crossed his arms, stared at a wall, and waited.

"Hello?" Shigemaru said, rattling the chain between his handcuffs. "Daisuke. You gonna say anything to your daddio after nineteen years?" He waited. "No? Well, damn."

Just then, the door slammed open, revealing a man in a brown jacket, panting like he'd just run a thousand miles. Shigemaru recognised this man as the one who'd chased him around the cargo ship. His opinion of him instantly went to shit.

"Kambe!" this dude shouted, storming over to their table.

"What?" both Kambes said. 

"Wha- no." The guy backpedaled. "I meant-"

Daisuke grabbed the guy by his tie.

"Woah!" the guy said, immediately trying to break away, but Daisuke's grip stayed immobile. "What are you doing?"

"Father,” Daisuke spoke. "I want you to meet Inspector Kato. He's the man who brought you in."

"We've met already, you stupid-"

"I want you to confess to all your crimes," said Daisuke. His expression was blank. "Or there will be consequences."

Shigemaru squinted. He looked at his son, then at the inspector, then at the tug of war going on between the tie. He looked at his son again. His son looked back. "I'm not sure what you're getting at here."

"Oi," the inspector complained. "Let go of me."

Daisuke did not blink. "What's it going to be, Father? Confession, or consequences?"

"You can't scare me," said Shigemaru.

"I see," said Daisuke. "Consequences then."

He yanked at the tie, turned his head, and kissed the inspector on the mouth. 

"Mmpffhhurghdfmphh," said the inspector. Then he put his hands on his partner's shoulders and kissed him back.

It was a very long kiss. Shigemaru thought he saw tongue. He wished he saw nothing.

The two broke away. The inspector coughed, face red. Daisuke looked at Shigemaru. "So? Are you willing to talk?"

"Buh," said Shigemaru. "Uh."

"Sure," said Daisuke. He jerked the inspector to him and kissed him again. This time, Shigemaru definitely saw tongue.

Shigemaru began to cry. He confessed.

 


 

3. 

Practical men typically knew when they were beat, but Shittymaru was a shitty practical man. He’d abandoned his company, his ailing mother, his child. He’d killed his beloved, for fuck’s sake, because she’d refused to give way, all those years ago. 

See? Practicality.

So when he was cornered, his knives gone, his security taken out and his bodyguard yeeted off the ship, his shitty, practical brain informed him there was one more option left. 

He took it.

“Daisuke-kun,” he said.

With his fists balled before him, his son’s face twisted into a snarl. The boy looked so much like Sayuri, then, ready to pick a fight the day she’d died. There was hurt in him, and Shittymaru knew it.

He offered a small smile. “I have nothing with me. You’ve caught me, see?” Spreading his arms, he opened his palms. “I’m impressed, my son. I’ve watched you grow over the years. You’ve always been intelligent, so much like-”

Daisuke punched him across the face. Shittymaru went sprawling across his cold office floor. Another pair of shoes stepped into his line of sight, and when he looked up, a scowling man in a brown jacket crouched and shoved a cop’s badge in his face. Gripped in his other hand was a pair of cuffs. 

“Kambe Shittymaru,” the man said, “you’re under arrest.”

It was then that his shitty, practical brain informed him: Welp, you’ve got no more options left.