When Shane arrived home from filming that day, he was delighted to find that the package had finally arrived, even if he wondered how US Postal Service was chill with shipping things from Hell, Earth. He absently made a note to ask someone Down Under if taking control of the Postal Service was in the cards, because of course it would take months for some simple Statue of Secrecy paperwork to arrive, along with a very terse letter from Shane’s boss. After feeding Obi and getting a cup of coffee because, fuck it, Shane broke the blood red seal on the envelope and read his boss’ letter.
Shax, First Duke of Hell
The paperwork you make me go through is so shitty you’re lucky I like you so much, otherwise I’d just drag your ass back to His Majesty’s Kingdom. Unfortunately, I do like you enough to put up with Abbadon barging into my office with paperwork all day. You owe me some extra contracts this year, I swear.
You know the drill. Fill out and sign everything with your DEMON name, none of the “Shane” bullshit. Make sure your boy toy signs wherever the “Mortal’s” name is asked for. We need it back soon, you know how much punctuality matters in Hell. If your boy can’t handle it, you know what to do. Don’t take any chances, just kill him and get back down here, Human Disposal Services will take care of the rest. You’ve never had a problem with it in the past, but this toy is making you soft, so I’ll remind you.
You will know when the paperwork goes through, and the Licensed Protected Mortal card will arrive at his house within the week. Keep a close eye on him, though. You guys have pissed off so many demons it’s a wonder he’s still alive.
Don’t you dare make this paperwork all for nothing, Shax.
Baal, Archduke of Hell
Huh, Shane had forgotten in his haste that if Ry-guy didn’t take the news well, he would have to kill him. He had done it before, with Sara in the 16th century, and Shane wasn’t in the mood to have a repeat of that. Ever. It was another two centuries before Shane began to poke around on Earth again, and if he ever went back to Israel it would be too soon, but Shane really should have seen it coming. Who knows how many centuries it would be before Shane could stand to visit Earth again if he had to kill Ryan.
Which is why Shane needed a plan. It was the perfect time to tell him, now that Buzzfeed Unsolved was done and Shane didn’t need to worry about it affecting the show. Sure, he knew Ryan like the back of his hand and the rest of his body, but when it came to this, Shane needed to be absolutely certain of Ryan’s reaction. If Shane respected Ryan just a little bit less, he wouldn’t be above a little bit of mind reading. But Shane couldn’t do that to him! So he needed another plan to figure out how to tell him. What if he came out as pan and used that as a marker?? Perfect!
“Yeah man, it’s chill.”
“What.” This is not how Shane was expecting this conversation to go. He knew Ryan wouldn’t really care, but…
Ryan pouts, and Shane instantly feels bad. “Did you really think I wouldn’t be okay with it? Wow dude, I haven’t said ‘no homo’ unironically, or ironically, since like 2016.”
Fuck!! “No, that’s not what I meant! I mean I’m just never used to people being okay with it, so it usually throws me for a loop, that’s all. Every gay person works themselves into a bit of a tizzy about coming out, ya know?” No, he doesn’t know, he’s not gay!! Goddamnit, Shane. Shane laughs, and they both know it's a little bit weak, but Ryan gives him the courtesy of not calling him out on it.
“Alright, but you know I accept you, dude. No matter what.” Ryan smiles at him, and Shane’s stomach does a funny little thing that Shane decided years ago he wouldn’t think too hard about. “Although if you tell me you’re a furry we are gonna have to end the company.”
That gets a laugh out of Shane, a real one, and Ryan’s smile grows. He knows Ryan won’t be nearly as chill about his species, but Shane forces that thought out of his mind in favor of mocking the movie Cats with Ryan.
That wasn't super helpful in Operation: Tell Ryan. No one has come up with an answer on Google in the last 48 hours, so Shane is at a loss, having exhausted his two options. In the way only a truly desperate man would, Shane goes to the second page of the search results. And the third, and the fourth. After the ninth Shane is about to give up when he sees his own name, and demon right next to it.
People online calling Shane isn’t a new thing, it’s been happening for years at this point, but he still gets a small stab of anxiety at the thought of his secret out there in the world for all to see. Shane clicks on the link, not reading much and thinking it will lead him to a funny Tumblr post.
But that is not Tumblr, no not at all. It’s Archive of Our Own, and how are there hundreds of these?? Some of them don’t look very helpful at all, but in almost all of them Shane’s demon-ness is a secret, until it isn't. Which means that a Ryan reaction is in every single one of these! Surely at least a few of these will have a genuine reaction from Ryan! Shane continues not thinking of the consequences and decides that he might as well read as many of them as possible, to see how “he” would tell Ryan, and see Ryan’s reaction.
Shane gets another cup of coffee, his fifth cup of the day, but shut up, he’s a demon, it’s not like his teeth are gonna rot or something. He hits shuffle on a playlist of songs that Ryan’s never heard of and settles in for a fun night of laughing at cringy writing.