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Do you see me?

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Take, take, take... That's all John, no... John seemed to no longer exist. Big Boss seemed to do, never once returning the favor. Ocelot knew that wasn't the truth, he was one of the few people Snake trusted and that made his heart swell. Though sometimes (read as: most of the time) he would like to be a little more appreciated by the man.

It seemed everyone else was worthy of time, attention and praise. Sometimes he also wonders if Miller and his position were switched would the man care enough for him. He almost huffed out a bitter laugh, was he really so desperate he wouldn't mind losing an arm, leg and be partially blind? He quickly tried to redirect his thoughts to something else since the answer sounded too much like a yes in his mind. He thought himself as a sadist not a masochist.


He just wanted a little more appreciation, was it really too much to ask? It's like Snake knew he could treat him like trash and get away with it because Ocelot would stay anyway. Another bitter laugh almost escaped from him just because that was true it didn’t mean Ocelot didn’t feel hurt by this.

He’s not trying to say that he’s the most loyal, even though he is, he just didn’t understand. Weren’t usually the most loyal ones who had the most privileges (though he didn’t care for that) and that had the most attention? To show to that person that they were cared, appreciated and wanted. Was he missing something? What did everyone else have that he didn’t?


Was it because he had been first an enemy or Russian? No that was silly, Diamond Dogs had so many Russian soldiers extracted from the battlefield. Was it because he was a spy? Did Snake honestly think he would change sides and betray him? A pang of hurt hit him like a train. No that’s even more ridiculous, he knows I’ve always been loyal to him… Right?

He’s not sure why but lately these thoughts have been bothering him more and more. Over the years he had never been this bothered, he doesn’t understand why this is happening now. It was just unnecessary feelings and it was making him not being able to focus properly on his work. He had made no mistakes yet but it took more time for him to get things done even DD had noticed.

The dog would now whimper to get his attention and would lick his face softly as if trying to cheer him up. He couldn’t help but to laugh and hug the dog, at least someone noticed and cared for him. And if by chance he ended up ordering a higher quality type of dog food and gave DD an extra treat once in a while, it was only fair.


The days passed and his mood grew gloomier and now people had started to notice while giving him quick concerned looks though he still did his job perfectly. He knew they were talking among themselves but Ocelot just couldn’t snap out of this.


That’s why one night he decided to say fuck it and to drink until he was silly in the loneliness and secrecy of his room… Or maybe not. Once he was more than pleasantly buzzed, he got out and decided to walk around the base. It was night so security was laxer, he could still somehow walk with almost no staggering and managed to find none of the Diamond Dogs while climbing on top of one of the platforms just to look up at the sky, a bottle of vodka nestled inside his jacket.

He liked looking at the starry sky, it offered him some comfort and somehow seemed to shield him from the intruding thoughts. He drank and looked at sky, he drank some more and tried to trace the constellations, he continued drinking and continued looking, his thoughts had been successfully drowned for the moment.


He had always been happy to see Snake return from his missions, of course he concealed that as much as he could. It was barely noticeable that he wanted more than to pounce on top of him happy that he was alive and safe in Mother Base. He had learned to conceal his feelings along the years.

And yet with this mood…


 “Ocelot?” A familiar deep voice called for him as the figure kneeled near him. Ah he was really wasted if he hadn’t heard Snake return.

“Oh it’s you.” He sounded disappointed as he sat up slowly looking at the man with hurt, anger and disinterest. “What do you want?”

“You-” He blinked, Snake didn’t understand where this sudden… hostile behavior came from. “I noticed you here while I was walking to my room. I called for you but you didn’t hear.”

“Well here I am.” The words were slurred, a hint of annoyance becoming clearer. “What is it that you want?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Me!?” He asked, looking almost surprised and laughed. “Oh I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with me. Now are you gonna tell me what it is? Cause I’m really tired and I don’t want you here.”

“You don’t want me here?” He parroted back almost like the Snake he had met all these years ago.

“You heard me. I worked so hard to get myself drunk and drown these thoughts of you.” He replied painfully honest and angry. “But if you’re doing nothing here, get out. I don’t want them to come back again.”

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked confused and Ocelot laughed bitterly again.

“Just go John and leave me alone.”

“No!” He replied determinedly as he sat down on the floor and looked at Ocelot straight in the eye. “I want to know what’s wrong.”

“As if you give a fuck about me.” He hmphed out and drank from the bottle. The liquid burned his throat as he swallowed, he wished it would burn his unrequited feelings.

“You’re drunk.”

“Wow you fucking got it.” Ocelot spoke with as much sarcasm as he could. “Probably the first time you’re not being overly dense and can see what’s happening right in front of your pretty face.”

“I really have no idea what you’re talking about.” He frowned.

“John... John you’re like…” He gestured with his free hand while drinking some more. “You're like… Like denser than the Amazon forest. I’m not surprised.”

“And I do care for you. You know I do.” He added quietly, he didn’t want Ocelot to think he didn’t because of the lack of an answer, he probably liked him a little bit too much. And then the silver haired man laughed.

“Do I? Do I really know?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“Kinda hard to believe in empty words boss .” He spat out the word boss with as much venom as he could. “It’s not like I barely see you or talk to you, those little talks giving you information that’s all we talk nowadays. It’s not like I want all of your attention on me, though I wouldn’t mind but a little appreciation and attention would be good you know?”

Snake only blinked as he tried to process everything that was told and before he could finish that, Ocelot resumed his talk. Drinking always made people honest and a little courageous after all.

“You always have a ‘Good job’ to everyone, even the dog.” He snorted. “Jealous of a dog, can you believe that? I’m pathetic. I’m no mind reader Snake! I just want to hear that once in a while, not too hard right?”

“You always seem to know what I’m thinking though.” He added. Snake had never thought that this was affecting the man in front of him so much though he should have known better.

“Oh so I should know what you think of me? Well then let me tell you from all the shit I’m going through what it looks like. It seems to me that you don’t hold me in high regards, not at all and yet I try my best every day, every time always for you. Am I doing something wrong John? I don’t understand.”

“No not a-”

“Then why!?” He asked looking hurt and that made Snake rethink everything he ever did to this man. Had he really been so mean and ungrateful when he deserved nothing more than his total respect? “As it occurred to you that even if I knew what you think of me maybe… Just maybe I would like to hear the words like everyone else? Sometimes you need to actually hear it.”

Snake took a deep breath and sighed, he was right. “You’re right. I’ll start paying more attention.”

“Y-you will?” He asked in an uncommon small voice with big eyes, he hadn’t expected that reaction in a million years.


Ocelot’s reaction almost made him chuckle, he looked almost childlike, but he refrained and gave him a small smile while nodding. After all he didn’t want the younger man to think he was making fun of him because he truly wasn’t.

“You need help getting down?” He asked.

“I’m fine.” The silver haired replied trying to get up but his legs were now far too unstable and fell on his butt. Not only was the alcohol finally kicking in but he was exhausted from the conversation. He felt lighter, felt good. Tomorrow he would kick himself from speaking so openly but at least now Snake had finally got it, maybe John was still there somewhere.

On the other hand, Snake snorted. He really didn’t expect the other man to be able to stand. He then extended his hand and talked rather softly, his tone also giving away his amusement:

“Come on, I’ll take you to your room. You can’t walk like that.”

“What? You gonna carry me then?” He asked as he got up, Snake helping him keep steady.

“That’s the plan.”

“Wait no-”


However the protests were cut short as John effortlessly picked him up and a small squeak escaped the younger man’s lips, though he’d deny that. Everything happened too quickly and Ocelot was too drunk to understand how they got to the bottom of the building without climbing down any stairs. The base was still quiet and no approached him and sooner than Ocelot had hoped, John set him down in front of the door to his room.


“Will you be okay?” John asked.

“Tomorrow I’ll have a killer headache and if I remember what happened and I will because I’m not that fortunate, I will regret saying those things to you and I will either avoid you for a while and maybe ask you to forget everything I said.” The words had come out a bit too honestly and the older man just stood there staring in mild surprise.

“I won’t forget, I’ll do better.”

“Yeah whatever, it’s fine if you do.” He waved in dismissal and John frowned.


“No don’t.” He raised his hand to stop the man from continuing. “Just don’t. I’m tired, goodnight.”

“Goodnight Adam.”


The man started to walk away and Ocelot stood there watching until he accidentally blurted.

“Wait!” John turned around with a confused expression and Ocelot stumbled to him.

“Something the matter?”

“I’m drunk.”

“I know that.”

“So don’t judge or blame me for what I’m going to do.” He warned.

“What are you going to-”


His sentence was interrupted by a surprisingly soft pair of lips landing on his own dry ones. It was just a press of lips that lasted too little on his opinion yet warmth suddenly filled his body.



“Goodnight John.”


The man stumbled back to his room, leaving John in a confused but joyous daze. He put his hand on his lips and allowed himself to smile, it was true that Ocelot was drunk but tomorrow no matter what the other said or did, he’d pursue him and actually try talking to him. And if he’s very lucky, maybe receive another kiss. As he walked to his own room, excitement like he hadn’t felt in a long time filled his bones, tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough.