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Love, Beca

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“Buddy, come 'ere.” The brunette called as she ran up the stairs, battling two at a time.

Quiet footsteps were heard for a few seconds before a small beagle puppy was trailing behind her. She grinned at the dog and continued to run up the stairs.

“Beca.” Beca’s stepmother called from the kitchen once she’d reached the second floor. “We don’t need another accident like yesterday.” She reminded her.

Beca scoffed as she thought back to the incident from the previous day.

She had just gotten home from school, instantly dropped her bag to the floor and ran to greet Buddy. The brunette was so pleased to see her dog after being apart for six hours that they ended up in a heap on the floor. Beca was fussing over him, giving him a belly rub and laughing at the dog's antics. She was too preoccupied to notice just how excited Buddy was, only noticing the puddle on the kitchen floor when it was too late.

“Sorry, Kat.” She shouted back. 

Beca and Buddy scurried into her bedroom, shutting the door behind them. The puppy immediately jumped up onto her bed and made himself comfortable amongst her blankets.

The sight made Beca smile, knowing that even though Buddy was a family pet, he chose her room to sleep in every day.

The brunette shuffled over to her desk and reached for one of her vinyl records from her collection that had previously belonged to her mother. She placed it on the turntable, a smile tugging at her lips as ‘The Charming Man’ by The Smiths began playing.

The guitar riff at the start of the song was one of her most loved sounds.

The Smiths were her comfort band for a while, (as well as a collection of other artists). Their music really helped her get through her darkest times.

Beca released a sigh when she finally collapsed onto her bed beside Buddy.

As she gazed up at the empty ceiling, she pictured the glow in the dark stars her best friend had in her bedroom. Stacie had had them since she was a child and they were too difficult to ever remove without marking the ceiling. Beca had asked her parents for them in her room when she was younger, but her father had called them ‘tacky’ and shut her down pretty quickly.

Her head tilted to the left, her eyes drifting to the framed photo. It was a picture of Beca with her friends, Stacie, Jesse, Aubrey, Chloe and Luke, taken at The Pancake Shack last summer.

The brunette's lips curled upwards as she reminisced, remembering every laugh they shared that night. It was the second gig her band Kick Affiliation had performed, although the audience wasn't that big – they had only just started the band so they didn't expect much of an audience anyway – the applause they received had been a loud one.

The performance rush mixed with the alcohol she had consumed allowed her to drift blissfully the entire night and live life in the moment. It was seriously one of the best nights of her life.

The frame next to it contained a photo of her family – her father, Katherine, Emily and herself. Beca had a pair of headphones around her neck and was scowling at the camera so it may have looked like she didn't want to be there – but that was just how Beca was. Beca took her headphones with her everywhere.

Music had always been a part of Beca's life; her mother had taught her how to play the piano as she was growing up and her father was always playing music throughout the house. It was never quiet in the Mitchell household and Beca loved that.

To Beca, silence was always a bad thing. Unlike most people, Beca needed noise to be able to concentrate, whether it be muttered conversations from across the room, or music playing in her headphones. So, if it was silent, Beca’s thoughts would take over instead, forcing her to think about things she would rather not.

She loved noise. Until the noise in her house was no longer music, replaced by arguments and constant shouting.

After her Parent’s divorce, Beca's father left her and her mother for another woman, or as Beca liked to refer to her as: The Stepmonster. He took the noise with him when he left, Beca was finally free of the arguments, but her mom stopped playing the piano too. Her house was too quiet then, so Beca started creating her own music, making mashups of different songs to fill the void.

Sheila was kind of a bitch, and Beca hated her.

She had always blamed Sheila for her parents’ divorce even though she knew it was inevitable. Beca’s parents weren’t happy for years before the affair even started, but she was angry at her for stealing her father from her.

They moved to Atlanta and left Beca behind in Seattle. The two Mitchell women had two incredibly happy years together, just the two of them. Until Beca’s mother got into a car accident three years ago. Her injuries were fatal, and she died soon after arriving at the hospital.

Beca, only being fourteen, had no other option, so she was forced to move to Atlanta to live with her father and the dreaded stepmonster.

After a while, her father's relationship with Sheila started sinking, at first Beca blamed herself and her presence in their home, but soon learned that Sheila had cheated on him.

Beca had to admit that it was kind of ironic.

After another failed marriage for Wren Mitchell, he dedicated his time to his daughter, hoping to make up for abandoning her when she was twelve. Beca was reluctant at first but over time she grew fond of her father and their relationship started growing. The two still had arguments from time to time but Beca wasn’t as petty about them anymore, and Mr Mitchell was more adamant to fight for his daughter, instead of fighting with her.

At the beginning of last year, Beca could see that her father was missing something in his life, she could see he was lonely, so she attempted to spice up his love life, or lack thereof. After many failed dates, Beca gave up, claiming he was too fussy.

When Mr Mitchell started a new job at the Barden University teaching comparative literature, he met another professor, Katherine Junk and the two seemed to click immediately. They started dating a couple of months after, and last November Katherine and her daughter moved into the Mitchell home.

Beca was surprised by how much she actually liked her father's new girlfriend and her daughter. She wasn’t much of a ‘people-person’ but she loved the Junk girls. Emily was three years younger than Beca, but they got along well, finding a common interest in music.

 


 

Overall, Beca Mitchell was a normal kid, with a normal – if you count that as normal – family, and she had an amazing group of friends who loved the absolute shit out of her – they were definitely not normal, but they were her chosen family of awesome nerds.

She was normal...ish. 

Except for one major thing that made her stand out more than her introverted ass would have liked.

Beca had a secret, one that no one else knew, and she'd been holding on to it for years.

 


 

Once ‘The Charming Man’ came to an end, Beca jumped up from her position on her bed and walked over to her turntable again. She suddenly felt the need to change the beat of the music, so she returned the vinyl to its allocated slot – she had them all ordered in chronological order – and selected her favourite Paramore album.

She slumped down on the chair in front of her desk, her head rested in the palms of her hands as she glared at the newest stack of assignments from multiple classes. Her phone started ringing before she even had the chance to start her homework, and she was more than grateful for the distraction.

She reached into her pocket to retrieve her phone. “Hi, Stace.” Beca answered the call.

“Oh my god. Have you seen the most recent post on Barden Bliss?”

“You're obsessed with that.” Beca groaned into the phone, “Do you need an intervention?”

Stacie laughed, but her tone stayed serious. “This one is a good one. Trust me.”

And because Beca did trust Stacie – but also because she secretly loved the gossip that Barden Bliss provided as much as Stacie did – she hurried to find her bag.

“Alright. I'll get my laptop.” She said as she picked up her backpack and pulled out her laptop.

Before Beca had sat back down, Stacie started talking again. “It's about a closeted bi kid at school.”

“What?” Beca’s head snapped up and her eyes widened. What? Closeted Bi kid?

 


 

Everyone has secrets that they’re holding onto, too afraid to let go of, but mine is starting to become a burden. I can’t say that keeping my secret is making me unhappy, because I am happy. But it's not just that. I am happy, excited and hopeful all the time, but I’m also terrified, paranoid, scared and lost. I feel so alone constantly. Keeping a secret as big as this is draining the life out of me. I don’t think I can do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. I shouldn’t have to.

I can’t ask for a better family or friends. They make me feel completely loved every day. But just because I know they love me, doesn’t make this any easier. They don’t know the real me, and when it finally comes out, I’m scared that I’ll lose the people that mean the most to me. Hiding something like this from the people that love me the most in the world is tiring. I'm the same girl I've always been, but I’m just not ready for the whole world to know. I just need to tell someone, to finally make it real.

Nobody knows I'm Bi.

Red.

 


 

She'd been completely zoned out and almost forgotten that she was on the phone to Stacie, so when she spoke again, Beca was suddenly brought back to the present.

“Have you read it? I wonder who it is.”

Stacie was already extremely invested in finding out who it was, which gave Beca the urge to shout at her – to tell her to ‘sack up’ because whoever posted that was clearly still in the closet and didn't want to be outed.

Beca’s heart began to pound in her chest as she reread the last line. “Yeah. Uh – I - Em needs my help with something in the kitchen. I'm going to have to call you back.”

She didn’t wait for Stacie to reply before she pressed the ‘end call’ button and slammed her phone down on her desk.

Beca’s eyes scanned the screen again, as she read the post for the second time, reading the last four words over until her eyes stopped on the email address at the bottom of the post.

“Fuck it.” Beca muttered, then opened up a new search window, locating Gmail immediately. She waited for the website to load before she clicked ‘create account’ as she decided an anonymous email address was for the best.

Her fingers were shaking slightly as she looked around her room, hoping something would jump out at her and give her an idea for an email address. It wasn’t until she looked out the window that something sparked in her mind. She noticed it was raining and that the clouds were dark – almost black.

After alternating between a few variations, she finally settled on an email address. She hesitated for a minute and contemplated whether it was a good idea or not, before starting a new email.

 


 

FROM: blueandblackrain@gmail.com 
TO: fromtheyellowcup@gmail.com
SUBJECT: hey

I'm just like you. For the most part, my life is totally normal. I'm a somewhat normal teenager, with a family that I actually like, not that I'd ever tell my Dad that. I have an adorable doggo, and a great group of friends that I love. They're all total weirdos but we have each other's backs.

I drink way too much iced coffee and I listen to music 24/7. Sports really aren't my forte, but I'd run a mile if it meant I got the chance to meet David Guetta.

So yeah, I'm a normal teenager. My life is pretty awesome really – it's totally perfectly normal. But I just feel like nobody really knows me because I have one huge ass secret.

 


 

Beca had a moment of panic when she almost finished the email with her own name.

“It's fucking anonymous, you idiot.” Beca huffed to herself and quickly erased her name.

She began to scan around her room rather frantically, searching for an inspiration to hit. Her gaze bounced from her guitar to her bookshelf, neither of those things helped her in any way. She considered using one of the authors names on one of her books, but none of them seemed to feel right.

I'm just a girl and you're not as alone as you feel

We all got problems, don't we?

We all need heroes, don't we?

Be rest assured, there's not a single person here who's worthy.

Hayley Williams' voice drifted to her ears and a grin settled at her lips as she allowed the melody to take over her thoughts.

Although it wasn't perfect, it was the only thing she could think of, it was either that or 'Clifford' – she had a small cuddly toy of Clifford The Big Red Dog on her bookshelf from when she was younger.

So, Beca wrapped up the email with 'Melody' and quickly sent it, not wanting to give herself the chance to change her mind - or as she would put it: pussy out.