Their relationship was complicated. It always had been, but allowing it to become physical made it political. The first time had been a surprise, but it happened so easily - a relinquish between ADA Carisi and Detective Rollins after a couple of drinks like the good old days. Not considering the consequences was his fault. A kiss was forgivable. They could have laughed about it later, blame the alcohol, but what else could he have thought about as she took control and dropped down to her knees in his living room. The rest was history.
He risked it never happening again when he asked her to disclose it with him to the district attorney’s office. Even before sleeping together, he felt like he was on thin ice whenever he had to call her as a witness. To her, it felt so preemptive. She had a good time with him. The sex was fine, but nothing she wanted to tell everyone about because that’s all it was. They weren’t dating. It happened once. As a detective, he would have been more reckless and agreed to give it more time, but he’d made up his mind about Amanda a long time ago. His career was at stake. The next time, he had to turn “fine” into something she couldn’t live without.
Going to his place was different than when they played house at hers. There were no toys on the floor, dog pee on the carpet, or someone screaming “mamma” every five minutes. Rollins didn’t need to be on. That in itself was worth visiting him for, but when she offered to wait for him to finish paperwork on a Friday night to “drive him home”, he knew she had ulterior motives. He was safe, they both had tough weeks. The weather was bad. She cared about him. Maybe it wasn’t all sex.
It was the end of January and the city sky was dense with snow that covered the gray slush from the night before. The snow was enough to drive cautiously, she was from the South after all, but Rollins had become enough of a New Yorker to have little concern about returning to her daughters later.
The trek from her Jeep to the lobby of his apartment left the surfaces of their coats damp. In the elevator, he watched the last of the snowflakes on her eyelashes disappear. She looked at her watch. Once inside his apartment, he disappeared into his bedroom, but it felt too soon for her to follow him. Rollins got comfortable on the couch and sent a reminder to her nanny that she’d be home late.
Always about the food. Always a host. His voice came from the hallway and he soon followed, rolling up the sleeves of his button-down shirt. He had hung up his suit jacket and took off his tie.
“I could eat,” she responded. Things really weren't all that different.
Carisi walked into the kitchen and patted a space at the dine-in countertop that overlooked the living space. She got up and hoisted herself up on one of the barstools. He didn’t have anything special prepared for his originally anticipated night alone, but if the key to her heart was food, he would have had her a long time ago. Still, he heated up some leftover pasta with a ragù his mother had sent him home with last weekend and spruced it up with fresh herbs and grated parmesan.
“I don’t think I had lunch today,” she thought out loud, realizing how hungry she had been after the first couple bites.
He had chosen to lean on the counter from the kitchen to face her, as opposed to taking the seat next to her.
“You’re neva’ eatin’ enough,” he said, shaking his head, feeling like a broken record.
“I got caught up in the trial, you know? I don’t really think our witness is credible. It’s a gut feeling.”
He stopped mid-bite and put his fork down. “You testified that she was. Today.”
“I’m telling Sonny, not ADA Carisi.”
“We’re the same person.”
“Well, could you not be for a second?”
“I can’t. Not about our cases.”
“Forget it then.”
Rollins hunched her shoulders over the bowl of pasta and played with the noodles with her fork. He sighed and stood up, pressing the heels of his hands into the counter. Things were so much easier a year ago.
“You mad at me?”
“More annoyed,” she said, looking up. “But, I get it.”
He nodded. The conversation never happened. Another secret he had to keep. He let out a loud pent up exhale. “There’s so much on my mind. Like, all of the time. Circles of testimonies...the self-doubt. I thought I was gonna pass out putting you on the stand today.”
Rollins knew why, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She hadn’t seen him so nervous since his first case. Putting down one foot at a time from the barstool, she circled the granite countertop to join him in the kitchen. He turned only his head.
She stepped up next to him and put her hand on his shoulder. “How about we go forget about all that then?”
That was part of the problem, but he couldn’t help but smile. Her thumb ran over the seam of his shirt and she tilted her head towards him, partially flipping her hair. Amanda had those kinds of eyes that could get her anything she wanted in an instant. Despite the funk he’d gotten himself into, tonight that was him. Carisi pushed away from the counter, finding and molding his hands over her hips.
“I’d like that,” he muttered, swaying into her and resting his forehead on hers.
Rollins hummed and gripped his shirt, stretching up to kiss him before he got too sentimental. She liked kissing him more than she’d like to admit. He was charmingly awkward, but sensual and used the right amount of tongue. Their first kiss had been in a similar manner, but more heated and sloppy, surrendering to the years of curiosity. Her hands glided up below his collarbones and picked at the topmost button on his shirt, knowing there’d be another one to take off underneath.
He pulled his face away slightly to nod towards the hall, pulling her hips into his. She finished with the button and let her arms drop to her sides, eyes drifting up. Sonny kissed her one more time before tugging at her hand to lead her to the bedroom. It was endearing.
He had forgotten to turn off the closet light, but the old bulb gave the room a warmness he wanted to emulate. Still holding her hand, he sat on the bed and guided her onto his lap. Rollins giggled and adjusted her knees around his pelvis, sitting down on the pressure building between his legs. She returned to his button-down and he straightened his back to keep kissing her, only breaking to help her remove his shirts.
Her hands were so eager, and while he didn’t want to slow down, he had to take the lead this time around. Amanda flung her sweater onto the floor and slid off the bra underneath. His fingers glazed up her ribs to cup her breasts, and he marveled at her, pressing up into her chest. She made a breathy sound in her throat as he leaned in to plant kisses down her neck, and brushed his thumbs in tandem against the erect peaks in his hands.
“Go lie down,” he murmured into her skin.
Rollins dismounted and crawled up the length of the bed, plopping her head down on the pillows. He stood up and finished stripping down to his black socks and boxer-briefs. She turned just her head and traced his lean body up and down and up again as he unbuckled his watch. He smirked with half a chuckle and raised his eyebrows, reading her mind. She reached down to unbutton her pants, feeling too clothed.
“Hey now, I’ll get those,” he said, taking a step forward towards the bed, but he then halted. Sonny put a finger up before taking off his socks, balancing on the nightstand. She pursed her lips, trying not to laugh. He was only as much of a refined lawyer as he let himself be. He picked up his hands, bearing his palms. “What?”
“Nothing,” she chuckled. “C’mere.”
He gladly joined her back on the bed, pulling himself halfway on top of her. Amanda ran her hands through his hair, breaking up the slicked back style as he kissed her again. If there hadn’t been a clear progression of how their night would end, he could have laid with her like that forever. His hand traveled down her stomach and played with the button of her pants. The task required more dexterity so he pushed himself down her body to slide off her dark jeans and lacy underwear.
This time he could appreciate how beautiful she was instead of being caught up in the moment. Carisi remained below her waist. He curved his hands around her thighs and left long chains of damp kisses down them. It was nice, but she found her mind wandering.
“Sonny...if this is gonna work out, you’re gonna have to pick up the pace here.”
“We did this your way last time,” he said, and God was her way good, but tonight she had to fall for him enough to realize or admit, that he was worth disclosing for. “Trust me a minute.”
“Sure,” she said, doubtful, even though he already had her trust in another way.
His confidence was shaken, but he took her criticism into account. He kissed her thighs again, but only once on each side before spreading her legs wider with his palms. Adjusting his stance on his elbows, he gingerly touched the folds between her legs with his dominant hand. How warm she was, damp but not fully aroused. Sonny glanced up at her, she looked impatient, staring up at the ceiling with her fingers drumming on her ribs.
She never did like being taken care of.
He slipped a finger inside her, watching her sigh and close her eyes. The next push into her, he added his middle finger and went a little deeper, a little harder. She liked that. Her breaths became labored and she rocked her hips into his touch. Listening to her body and her little moans, he increased the intensity, but not overly aggressively so. His way seemed to be alright, but he worried she would get bored again. With his other hand, he reached up to stroke her clit.
“Lit-Little higher,” she managed. “Faster.”
He nodded and obeyed, getting something right as her legs twitched against his shoulders. Amanda gasped, her body relaxing as her insides pulsed around his fingers. She caught her breath. It was nice. A surprise. She felt a little bad for picking on him.
“Let’s get you now, huh?” she sweetly said, finally collecting herself.
“We’ll get to that.”
It had become unbearable for him to keep laying on his stomach, his erection both pressed into the bed and trapped in the cotton fabric still around his hips. He pushed up to his knees and hopped off the side of the bed to slide off the boxer-briefs he regretted keeping on. She’d watched those big dumb hands talk for years. He was nicer to look at then she remembered. All of him.
Rollins shifted on the bed in anticipation as he crawled back on top of the comforter. When he returned to his spot below her waist, she picked up her head and raised her eyebrows, but his mouth had better things to do than explain his next move. He wasted no time to push away her skin, now hotter and glistening, to plant a soft kiss on the hood of her clitoris.
“You don’t gotta-”
He picked up his head. “Not okay? Too soon? I’m sorry.”
“No, you’ve just already...I’ve…and most...”
Amanda wasn’t about to get into how she’d usually be cleaning up in the bathroom by now, but she didn’t have to. It’d been a while since she had a consistent partner and Al Pollack fucked her like one of the prostitutes he cheated on her with.
“You deserve to be taken care of.”
He was such a pain, but she couldn’t roll her eyes because he was equally alluring.
With no further objections, he returned his attention to her sweet spot, softly and rhythmically kissing it to test the waters. She sighed deeply, vocally, and when he added tongue to the already swollen skin, she shrilled. Rollins melted into the bed, gripping the comforter as he found what made her back arch and hips beg for more. He committed her favorite flip and flick of his tongue to memory and didn’t stop until Amanda no longer just called him “Sonny”; she moaned it.
A younger, less experienced Carisi would have came into the bed right there. She shuddered and panted with grit, her orgasm affecting her whole body. He propped himself up on his elbows and wiped the corners of his mouth with his thumb. It had been a long time since she had been able to let go like that. It was the trust, their history, his dedication. Her whole body was sweltering, her cheeks flushed with fulfillment and with the fact that all she now wanted was him.
“Will you come here already?”
He smirked and pushed himself up once again, but this time to crawl up from his previous post and playfully plop down onto her chest. This time was different - more sensual, less of a band-aid to pull off. She was beyond satisfied, but wanted to feel him, be closer, give him a well-deserved piece of the euphoria she felt.
Amanda pulled his jaw closer and kissed him hard, a thank you and an invitation. It was unnecessary. Nothing needed to spark. She just wanted to. After a couple of deep embraces, he pulled away from her mouth briefly to reach down and reposition himself between her legs. The head of his cock slipped in her easily and her little gasp filled his head with stars.
“So fuckin’ perfect,” he breathed.
She hated being wrong. She hated how good, how right, he felt - emotionally, physically - filling both cups equally, his pelvis meeting hers. With a reposition of her hips, her feet coming off the bed and knees buckling out further, he entered her again. She was like a soft-serve in late summer on Coney Island, but the temperature of a fire. Her nerves were heightened. Every push of her blonde hair into the pillows, she squealed. She grabbed at his biceps which turned into scratches on his back, feeding into his sensations. He could have said he loved her if he wasn’t careful.
Sonny was a giver by nature, but there was only so much a man could take before losing himself in someone so soft and seductive. His rhythm faltered but he grumbled curses into her hair he’d have to pray about later. He buried his face into her, the wave of his orgasm teetering with the last one she came down from, two different time signatures in tandem. The build-up had been so much. His heavy breaths were hot against her neck. She slid one of her hands up the nape of his neck, going against the direction his graying hair grew. It was personal, comforting, an acknowledgment. Once the static left his brain, he shifted his head and caught her eyes inches away staring back at him. Her mouth curved sweetly. He’d forgotten his troubles, and God, he needed that, but she seemed to be exactly where he wanted her to be.
“You know, I’ve got two options,” he said softly, but his voice thick.
She had gotten lost in a post-coital cloud. “Huh?”
Carisi let out a single chuckle before pushing off her, kissing the center of her chest. She softly moaned as he fully slipped out of her. He sat on the edge of the queen size bed, facing the windows, and looked back at her over his shoulder.
“Two options. Either I quit the DA’s office or I quit you, and I...can’t do that.”
It was meant to be a little romantic, funny even. She turned her head towards him, her arms stretched beside her head. Even in the dim light, Rollins could see her little red scratches on his back. Something felt different. It was overwhelming, scary even, and he gave her very little time to process it.
“I can’t tell you what to do.”
It’s not what he wanted to hear or how this was supposed to go.
“Yeah,” he sighed, looking forward.
He shook his head. “Don’t call me that if you’re just gonna use me.”
Her mouth opened but only forced air came out. She didn’t mean to sound so cold. He’d just made her so happy. Rollins sat up and swung her legs underneath her. It was still snowing.
“I like...this,’ she said. “It’s just...new, and I...you should know by now how nervous I get when good things happen to me.”
He rubbed the top of his thighs and looked back at her. “Good things, huh?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was light and dreamy, sincere, and they shared a quiet moment.
He exhaled hard and shook his head. “Amanda...I don’t know if I can try another case without disclosing. If an opposing counsel or Hadid finds out first…”
“You’re thinking too much.”
“Am I?” He croaked.
Sonny hunched over and ran both hands down his face. She pulled herself to the edge of the bed next to him, the sides of their legs touching. When he didn’t look at her, she leaned forward to find his eyes.
“This means a lot to you,” she observed.
“Yeah. Yeah, it does,” he swallowed, “and, listen...whatever this is and whatever you think of me or want with me, that...that’s between us, not the DA’s office, but it's a bias. I may need to recuse myself one day. They need to know why.”
The truth was, it never could have been just sex with him. Not when it was that good. They were too deeply woven.
“I think...I want more of this, councilor,” she said, bumping her shoulder into his.
A grin returned to his face. It was a start. "Good." He took her closest hand that had been resting on her knee and kissed the back of it. "'Cause, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
He still felt good. Amanda shyly smiled instead of scolding him.
“But you prolly gotta,” he said, squeezing her hand before returning it to her. “Tonight anyways.”
“Yeah,” she sighed.
It wouldn’t have been fair to ask her to stay. With dinner and everything else, Rollins had stayed later than intended, and she had daughters at home and a nanny on the clock. She rubbed his shoulder before standing up to use the bathroom. How lucky he felt, watching her disappear from over his shoulder. Carisi stood up and circled the bed. He slipped his boxer-briefs back on, planning to shower after she left, and gathered the rest of his and her clothes off the floor.
When she returned to the bedroom, Sonny was half in the closet fully illuminated by the light he had previously forgotten to turn off. She walked past him to the clothes that she threw on the floor and were now placed on the bed. She got dressed quickly.
Rollins untucked her hair from her sweater. His big mouth and he never really spoke her language until tonight. Amanda saw him, and she regretted not seeing him sooner. “Would you...wanna come back with me?”
He turned around and stopped pretending to be occupied to fill the silence. “Like, to your place for the night?”
“Yeah," she said, holding her wrist in front of her thighs, uncomfortable to be putting herself out there.
“I got time to take a quick shower? Clean up the kitchen a bit?”
“Yeah. Alright. I, uh, I really didn’t want you to go, anyways.”
Rollins didn’t either, but asking him to come with her was enough of a wall to let down for now. She took a couple of steps forward and touched her hand to his abdomen. “Take your shower. I’ll get the kitchen.”
She gave his skin a little squeeze with her fingertips before leaving the room once more. Their dinner was still on the counter. Sonny hadn’t eaten a lot, which was unusual. Putting away the leftovers, she thought about how she hadn’t exactly promised him that she’d disclose their relationship. Whatever that was. She pretended she couldn’t fall for him deeper.
Rollins ran out of things to do in the kitchen. She gathered her badge and gun from the counter and sat in the living room until he came out in jeans and a sweatshirt. His hair was pushed back, a little unkempt, only water keeping it in place. He glanced into the kitchen, satisfied with the condition.
He opened the coat closet and she got up from the couch. Rollins took her coat from him and zipped into it as he grabbed a gray beanie and adjusted it over his head.
“Think you’ll be warm enough? It hasn’t stopped snowing since we got here.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said, putting her hood up. “Ready?”
He threw on his coat before opening the front door for her, unbelievably happy to be leaving the house again despite the cold. It was one thing for her to come to his place, another for her to take him home afterward.
Visible from the lobby, the snowfall hasn’t slowed and the sidewalks were layered with white. Amanda’s boots stopped clicking as they stepped outside. This amount of snow would have caused a citywide shutdown in Atlanta. Rollins looked up at the sky as a hand came to her back, but he’d always done that.
“If I get you disbarred, do you get to be my partner again?” She teased.
“Ah, that’s your goal here,” Carisi laughed.
“Sonny, since you left--”
Rollins felt her footing succumb beneath her on a patch of ice hidden by the snow. She stumbled, but before she could collapse onto the cold city sidewalk, two arms came around and held her up. He had stepped in front of her, his own stance jeopardized by the ice until she was able to buckle her knees.
“I gotcha. I gotcha, you’re okay,” he hushed, keeping his arms around her.
She carefully stood up straight, the fronts of their winter coats up against each other. Her hood had slipped off her head. She touched the tops of his arms, the snowflakes atop his coat melting into her hands, as she looked up at him. Sonny’s eyes shifted back and forth, trying to figure out if she was unharmed. A taxi passed them. He got her alright.
“Monday,” she whispered.
“What? No, Friday. ‘Manda, you alright?”
She shook her head. “I’ll go to Hadid with you Monday.”
He raised his eyebrows and blinked a lot, trying to find the right words to say, taken back by hers. The snow fell between their faces. Flakes got caught in her hair. She was so beautiful, and those eyes always got what she wanted.
He adjusted his arms around her. “Can I...kiss you?”
It seemed silly to ask. He’d kissed her already that night - more than that - but this was deeper than their lips touching. It wasn’t a prologue to anything more physical behind closed doors, and that in itself made it more intimate.
She nodded, a little mesmerized, but hating how dreamy it all was. Fucking Casanova. “Yeah.”
He tightened his arms behind her back and curved the top of his spine to bring his growing smile to her lips. It was sweet and to the point, only a slight swoop of her lower lip as they stood in the cold. She leveraged herself on his shoulders and pressed up into his mouth. The city continued around them, a souvenir snowglobe.
Sonny pulled away first, but not far. “You’re so cold. Let’s keep goin’, huh?”
“Yeah...good idea,” she said, pulling a damp strand of hair away from her cheek, but not feeling cold at all.
Slowly, he dropped his arms from around her and returned to her side. She looked at the ground beneath her, planning her next step. Her gaze shifted back up when he bumped his elbow into her arm, offering it to her.
“No fallin’ tonight,” he said. Rollins pulled the sleeve of her sweater over her bare hand and wrapped it around his arm.
It was far too late for that.