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You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Wants You Dead

Summary:

“What should I do if she runs?” She asked quietly.

She pulled open the door to find Kara standing in the entryway, dressed in a dark blue button up and burgundy slacks, her blonde hair falling loosely around her shoulders in waves, flowers in hand. Kara gave her a charming smile.

“Kill her.”

She hung up the phone and smiled back at Kara.

***

Kara is a loveable dork, down on her luck. When an old friend sends her an email encoded with government secrets, she's thrust into the world of spies and espionage.

Lena is a CIA assassin charged with protecting Kara until the government secrets can be removed from her head, by posing as Kara's girlfriend in order to stay close to her.

But will something more bloom between them? Can they stay ahead of all the people who want what's in Kara's head?

Or: The 'Chuck' AU.

Notes:

So I've been wanting to write this basically since I joined the fandom. Chuck is one of my all time favourite shows, and Kara and Lena just fit so well in their dynamic.

Hope you guys enjoy!

Chapter Text

Kara checked the batteries in her flashlight as she crept through the darkened house, Winn trailing behind her. She could hear the pounding music from the courtyard and knew that the party going on outside would provide the perfect cover for their exfil. 

 

She motioned to the window and, as Winn moved past her to unlatch it, she reached into the closet for her go-bag, opening it to check that all her items were secure. She was zipping it closed when she heard footsteps approaching.

 

“Someone’s coming!” Winn whispered, “We’re blown!” 

 

She turned to face the door, ready for anything. She heard Winn gulp next to her.

 

The door swung open and the room was bathed in light. 

 

“Seriously, Kara? What are you doing in here?” Alex stood in the doorway looking exasperated. “Are you hiding from your own birthday party?”

 

Kara gripped the flashlight in her hands and avoided her sister’s gaze. “Yeah, see here’s the thing, Alex. Winn and I don’t really feel like we belong...at my party, because...uh...we don’t really know anyone…uh...because they’re all your friends…who are all doctors…” she trailed off, still staring at the floor.

 

“Yeah, doctors who don’t really get our jokes,” Winn chimed in.

 

“Well, your jokes.” Kara corrected.

 

“Fine, my jokes.”

 

Alex sighed. “Kara. I have invited real, live women here, for you. So please, let’s go. Winn, you stay here.”

 

Kara slumped her shoulders, pushed her glasses higher up her nose, and walked out of the room behind Alex, shooting Winn a dejected expression. He raised a fist in solidarity.

 

Alex pushed her through the crowd of people in the courtyard of their apartment building,”You’re going to do great, ok? You are funny, you are smart, you’re handsome! You’ve got this!”

 

Alex’s girlfriend, Kelly came up to the pair and handed them each a drink. “Okay. I’ve identified some quality candidates for Kara, so let’s go meet them!” She reached up and straightened Kara’s tie. “Did you have to wear your Nerd Herd outfit? Not that it isn’t cute, but for a first impression…” 

 

Kara shrugged and allowed herself to be shepherded over to a bleach blonde, whom Kelly introduced as Leslie. She smiled nervously at the woman.

 

“You must be Kara, I’ve heard so much about you,” Leslie said, eyeing her outfit. “Are you in a costume?”

 

Kara looked down at her outfit. Black chinos and Chucks, white button up and grey tie, with her pocket protector and Nerd Herd ID attached. “No. I work for the Nerd Herd.”

 

“The Nerd Herd? That’s adorable. What do you really want to do, though?”

 

Kara shifted anxiously. “Working on my five-year plan, just need to choose a font.”

 

Leslie laughed and swatted her arm flirtatiously, “Oh! What happened here? Did you hurt your hand?”

 

Kara looked down at her hands, to her fingers that were wrapped in bandages. “Oh! No, that’s from Call of Duty. The controller chafes after several hours of use.”

 

Leslie left shortly after that.

 

Another blonde named Gayle took her place at the behest of Alex. “So, Alex tells me you went to NCU?”

 

Kara winced. “Yes, that is technically correct.”

 

“I went there too! What was your major?”

 

“Engineering.” Kara glanced around the courtyard, looking for any means of escape. She did not want to be here, talking with these people about any of these things. 

 

“Oh my gosh! I knew this great guy who was an engineer. He ran track...and I think he was a gymnast too!”

 

Kara sighed. “James Olsen. Yeah, I knew him too.”

 

“Oh cool, what’s he doing these days?”

 

“I think he’s an accountant.”

 

Gayle continued to reminisce about James and NCU and Kara wished she could drown herself in the courtyard fountain. She caught Alex’s eye across the way, who motioned for her to pay attention to the woman in front of her.

 

“...just the coolest. So, do you have a girlfriend?” Gayle asked.

 

“No...uh...well, I did. Back at NCU. Her name was Lucy. We met freshman year. I remember when I met her, I was walking across the quad, and she was on her way to an Economics lecture when her bag ripped and it was like something out of a movie. I stopped to help her with her stuff and we did that kind of...movie thing where we bonked heads, and the rest was history.”

 

***

 

Kelly walked over to Alex, who was staring over at Kara in disbelief. “How’s she doing?”

 

Alex chugged her beer. “Not great. She’s talking about Lucy again.”

 

Kelly hung her head and sighed.

 

***

 

“So there I was, kicked out of NCU, Lucy was with James...I guess she thought he was more exciting…” She trailed off, looking around to find that Gayle had left, somewhere mid-story. She sighed. At least she didn’t have to pretend to be interested anymore. She finished her drink and wandered back inside for a refill.

 

***

 

Kara sat on the couch and unwrapped the bandages on her thumbs, finding the blisters had calloused over. Alex came over and sat next to her, handing her a beer. She shot her a tight smile.

 

“Thanks for my party,” she said, politely. “By the way, your 7-layer dip? It tasted like eight.”

 

“Kara, can I tell you something?” Alex asked.

 

“It really was eight layers?”

 

“Even though they may ask, no woman really wants to hear about an old girlfriend. It’s depressing, okay? NCU was a long time ago, you need to move on. It’s time.”

 

Kara sighed, “Do we really have to have this conversation again?”

 

“Well, we’ve rehearsed it enough.” Alex said with a laugh.

 

“Okay, well I’ll just get over Lucy tomorrow then.” She got up and walked to her room, leaving her sister looking exasperated. She walked into her bedroom to find Winn playing X-box on her bed. She sat down next to him and relayed the events of the night.

 

“Hey, cheer up Kara, at least you talked to some women, that’s a start. Doing better than me.” 

 

An email notification popped up on Kara’s computer. 

 

“Wow, talk about a blast from the past. James Olsen remembered your birthday.”

 

Kara snapped her head up, “What?”

 

“James? The guy who got you kicked out of school, the guy who stole your girlfriend, remember him?”

 

Kara shot him a look. “Yeah, Winn. I think I remember him.” She moved over to her computer and opened the email. A text box popped up on the screen:

 

The terrible troll raises his sword.

 

Winn looked over her shoulder. “What is it?”

 

“It’s Zork. You remember Zork, the old text-based video game? Well, James and I programmed our own version of it back at NCU, using a TRS-80.”

 

“Wow. You guys were really cool.” He sneered.

 

She wasn’t paying attention. “Now if I could only remember what was in my hero’s satchel…”

 

He looked at her blankly.

 

“The weapons I would use to kill the terrible troll,” she explained.

 

“...Right. Yeah, you know what, you’re still really cool,” he snickered.

 

She stared at the screen, thinking. Then she clapped him on the back, “And you’re going home. Pedal safe!” 

 

She sat at her computer, lost in thought, as Winn gathered up his belongings and left. What had she had in her satchel? Suddenly it came to her and she began to type:

 

Attack troll with nasty knife.

 

The textbox faded away and suddenly thousands of images began flashing across the screen. Completely random things; some innocuous like flowers, cars, animals, and tourist attractions, and some less so, like explosions, executions, crashes, and gunfire. They kept flashing across the screen and Kara couldn’t look away, just sat staring at the monitor until finally the screen went black. Kara’s eyes burned and her head felt like it had been microwaved. She slumped back in her chair and passed out.

 

***

 

She woke the next morning on the floor in front of her computer with Winn standing over her, calling her name. She winced at the sound of his voice and squinted at the light pouring through her windows.

 

“Dude, you okay?”

 

Kara sat up and rolled her neck. “Yeah...yeah I think so...my head hurts though.”

 

“What happened last night?” Winn asked, looking bewildered.

 

“I was gonna ask you the same thing…did you spike the punch?” Winn helped her to her feet and she followed him out of the room.

 

“Something goes wrong and you immediately blame me! After all these years, where’s the trust? ….And yes I did.”

 

Kara followed him to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. Her head felt as though it had been run over by a truck. She turned to Winn, who was raiding her fridge, “I’m gonna grab a shower, but I’ll be quick and then we can head out.” He simply raised a thumbs up, his mouth occupied with leftovers.

 

She walked to the bathroom and turned on the water and the shower radio. The traffic report came on as she was stepping into the stream. 

 

“...the 101 is clear to National City Parkway, but watch out for traffic near the airport, as security is checking all vehicles….”

 

Suddenly Kara froze and her eyes rolled back in her head. She saw flashes of images like the ones she’d seen on her computer last night, but these were accompanied by new images. A cop car, blueprints, a hotel, a satellite projection of downtown National City. 

 

Then it was gone. She stood under the showerhead, staring blankly ahead for a moment. 

 

What the heck was that?

 

She brushed it off and quickly finished her shower.

 

***

 

As Kara walked out to the car, head splitting, she tried to ignore Winn rambling about his Call of Duty rampage from the night before. 

 

"...and I'm like ‘Dude just give me the sniper rifle and I’ll take care of it’ but the guy won’t give me the sniper rifle so I had to throw my frag grenade--”

 

“WINN PLEASE!” She shouted, startling her friend. “As much as I would love to talk video games, I’ve got a splitting headache and I just…in fact, do you think you could drive today?” She tossed him the keys to the company car, a 2015 Honda Civic with Nerd Herd wrap on it.

 

“Whoa are you serious? You’re gonna let me drive?”

 

“It’s a company car, Winn.”

 

“It’s not just a company car, okay? A whip is a whip, homegirl! This baby is sitting on chrome! ….Or plastic, as it were.”

 

“Just do me a favour and stay off the 405, okay? Because the cops are in a phased...deployment…” She frowned. Why had she said that? Why did she know that?

 

Winn looked at her blankly for a moment. He shrugged, “Okay. Thanks for the tip.” They pulled away from the curb and headed to work.

 

***

 

Kara got to her desk and checked through the computer emergency logs from the night before. There were a ton of new requests for service, as well as drop offs. Apparently there was a new virus going around. She looked over the papers and examined one of the computers that had been brought in. The hard drive was completely fried. 

 

She gathered her fellow Nerds. “Okay guys, today is going to be a very busy day! We’ve got a new computer virus on our hands. They’re calling this one the Irene Demova virus.”

 

Winn snickered.

 

“Yes, the Serbian porn star, Irene Demova. Lonely-guy call volume is going to be very high. This is a nasty one guys, okay? It’s a computer killer.” She opened up the store display laptop to demonstrate. She entered Irene Demova’s website and suddenly popups of porn displays sprang up all over the screen before they warped and the screen went black, the internal hardware smoking slightly.

 

“So that’s what we’re dealing with. Let’s do it to it!” She headed back to the office with Winn, passing by the wall of TVs that were playing the news. She paused to watch.

 

“...the Major General will be arriving later today, to deliver a speech at the security brief tomorrow evening. The Major General has drawn criticism for his support of--”

 

Kara looked at the face of the Army officer on the TV when she began to see the flashes of images again. Random pictures, then a flight number, an airplane, a manifest, a room full of intelligence personnel. 

 

“He’s already here, he landed last night!” She exclaimed.

 

Winn looked at her, confused. “Who’s already here?”

 

She turned to him, her brow furrowed. “...I...I don’t know…” She frowned and continued back to the office.

 

***

 

She was standing behind the Nerd Herd desk a few hours later, phone tucked in between her ear and shoulder, humming to the hold music. Winn stood next to her at the desk making a paper clip chain. 

 

“Stop the presses! Who is that?” He exclaimed suddenly. “It’s Vicki Vale!"

 

Kara was only half-paying attention, her nose buried in the file of the current client she was trying to reach. She began to half-heartedly beatbox, “Vicki Vale, Vick-Vi-Vicki Vale, Vickety-Vickety, Vicki Vale, Vick-Vi-Vicki--”

 

She glanced up and dropped the phone and file.

 

Standing in front of her desk was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She was a few inches shorter than Kara, with pale skin, long black hair, red lips, a jawline that could cut diamonds, and the most perfectly shaped eyebrows possibly in existence. 

 

The woman smirked at Kara. “I hope I’m not interrupting.” She had some kind of accent that Kara couldn’t place.

 

“...No, n-not at all.” Kara stuttered out. “That uh--it’s from Batman!” She wanted to throw herself into traffic.

 

The woman grinned, arching a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “Because that makes it better?”

 

Kara forced out a nervous laugh. The woman was staring at her intently, and Kara noticed that her eyes were different colours, one green and one blue. She tried to think of what to say next, but her brain was stuck somewhere between fainting and running away. Luckily, Winn chimed in next to her.

 

“I’m Winn and this is Kara.” 

 

Kara gave an awkward wave.

 

“Lena,” the woman replied, eyes still fixed on Kara.

 

Slowly, Kara’s brain shifted into gear. She cleared her throat. “Uh, how can I help you, Lena?”

 

The woman placed her phone down on the counter. “I’m here about this.”

 

Kara looked at the phone in relief. Finally, something she was comfortable handling. “Oh yeah, the Inteli-cell. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this model has a little screw back here that comes loose.” She pulled her posi-driver out of her pocket. “Just give it a couple quick turns, and there you go. Good as new, no problem.” She handed the phone back to the woman, who was still staring at her with interest.

 

“Wow. You geeks are good,” she said with a smile.

 

Winn and Kara shared a look. “Nerds,” she said quickly. “I mean, not that it’s a big deal, but you know, Nerd Herd.” She motioned to the sign on the desk, cringing inwardly. What was she doing? Why was she correcting this gorgeous woman? The phone rang, breaking her out of her thoughts. “I’m so sorry. Just one second.” She turned her back to answer the call and by the time she’d hung up, the woman was gone.

 

Winn walked over to where she had been standing. “Dude. She left you her card!” He said excitedly, sniffing it quickly. Weirdo. Kara thought, shaking her head. Her thoughts never left the woman for the rest of the day. 

 

***

 

“I don’t understand, Kara. Why wouldn’t you call this girl?” Winn asked as they traipsed through the courtyard to Kara’s apartment.

 

“Oh, I don’t know, did you see her?” She retorted.

 

“Yes, oh man, yes. Which is why I will repeat the question: Why wouldn’t you call this girl??”

 

She sighed as she unlocked her front door. 

 

“Because I live on planet Earth, Winn.”

 

She opened the door, switched on the light, and froze. A figure stood across from her, dressed all in black, masked and gloved, holding her computer. She would have thought they were a ninja, if she thought such things existed in real life. The not-ninja stood still, holding the tower.

 

Kara reached a tentative hand out, “Please...not...the computer.”

 

The not-ninja set the computer down gently and then settled into a martial arts stance. Kara and Winn looked at each other, then Winn immediately began throwing everything he could get his hands on at the thief. The thief picked up the computer and Kara started toward them.

 

“No wait, give me that!” She yelled. The thief tossed her the computer tower. She caught it gingerly, and then her legs were swept out from under her, computer flying into the air. The thief caught it and set it on a hanging shelf, as Winn ran at them, screaming bloody murder. The thief caught him around the middle and kicked his legs out from under him, knocking him to the floor on top of Kara.

 

A crashing sound caused them all to look around. The hanging shelf had fallen, and the computer with it, the glass casing breaking open and scattering the guts of the computer all over the floor. Kara whimpered at the sight. She caught a glimpse of the hard drive and saw that it looked like it had been put in the microwave. What the--? Her attention was caught by the sound of a door slamming. The thief had run off.

 

She sat up and looked at the mess of computer parts on the floor and the shelf hanging off of the wall.

 

She looked at Winn. “Didn’t you hang that shelf?”

 

***

 

Outside, the thief hopped into a black Jaguar F-Type and sped away, pulling the mask off of her face to reveal pale skin and heterochromatic eyes.

 

“Dammit.” She muttered to herself as she drove across the city.

 

***

 

The next day Kara was picking through the pieces of her computer in the Nerd Herd backroom, her coworkers Brainy and Nia hovering beside her.

 

“It’s no use, I’ve been all through it,” Nia said sadly. “This hard drive was...murdered.” She covered the computer with a white sheet dramatically.

 

Kara stared at the melted hard drive and wondered briefly if James' email had caused it. Were the email and the bizarre flashes were connected to it? 

 

“What if you were the unwitting target of a ninja vendetta, and he returns tonight to strangle you with his nunchuks?” Brainy asked, flatly.

 

Kara looked at him, mouth hanging open. “...That’s super, Brainy. Thanks for thinking outside the box on that one. And here I thought I couldn’t get any more freaked out.” 

 

He merely winked at her.

 

She furrowed her brow at him. “I’m just gonna go buy some new locks at Costco.”

 

She walked into the store and began looking for locks, but was having trouble finding them in the labyrinth of products and displays. She looked for an employee but couldn’t find anyone. Finally, she happened upon another customer and figured she’d see if they knew.

 

“Excuse me, sir? I’m sorry to bother you, but do you know where they sell the--”

 

The man turned to look at her and her mind flashed again. A Serbian passport, explosions, a bomb diagram, the Major General from yesterday, a detonator. 

 

She opened her eyes to see the man still staring at her. “What do you want?” He asked forcefully.

 

Her breathing increased and she could feel her heart pounding in her ears. This guy was a Serbian bombmaker. A demolitions expert, to be exact. What was he doing here? How did she know who he was??

 

“Um...uh, no sorry. Sorry. Nothing. Nothing at all.” She stuttered out, backing away from him. “I was just, uh, looking for the--” she glanced up at nothing, “--wow, look at that--” She took off running down the aisle and out the door, never stopping until she reached the safety of the Nerd Herd desk.

 

***

 

Sitting in her car in the Nerd Herd parking lot, Lena saw the blonde sprint from the Costco back to the tech shop. 

 

“I have eyes on her right now.” She said into her phone. “And like I said, the computer was destroyed, beyond repair.”

 

“Okay,” said the voice on the other end of the line. “It’s done. I want you in the air in an hour.”

 

“But what if she has an external drive, a backup--”

 

“It’s over, Lena. The NSA is stepping in. James was CIA, he was our guy, and he burned us….Henshaw is on his way out.” The woman paused. “You’re being recalled.”

 

Lena scoffed. “Because of Hank? He’s a burnout.”

 

“He’s a killer, Lena.” Lena rolled her eyes. “I want you to listen to me, Luthor. What happened with James, you couldn’t have known. You couldn’t have stopped him.”

 

“But I can fix it,” she growled. “If there’s a backup, I’ll find it. Just give me 12 hours.” She hung up without waiting for a reply.

 

***

 

Kara sat at her desk with her head down on it, rubbing her temples between her palms. “I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my--”

 

The bell on her desk rang. “Winn, not now.” She slapped her palm down on the hand already on the bell. It was significantly smaller and less hairy than she was expecting. She popped her head up and saw the beautiful woman from yesterday, Lena.

 

“Hi! Hi! Uh, phone trouble again?” She asked, excitedly.

 

“Yeah actually, I’m not sure I’m able to receive calls, because I never got one from you.” She smirked up at the blonde, who stared at her in awe. “I’m sorry I had to leave so quickly yesterday, I had an appointment with a realtor. I just moved here.”

 

Kara smiled at her, “Oh well, welcome!”

 

“Thanks,” the woman grinned at her. “And um, I don’t really know anyone here, so I was wondering if you would show me around. I mean, if you’re free?” The woman twisted a lock of her raven hair, looking up at Kara through long eyelashes.

 

Kara was speechless. Luckily, Winn chose that moment to help out.

 

“Oh she is free! She’s got nothing but time on her hands, she is very available!”

 

Kara turned to him slowly and shot him a ‘wtf dude’ look, before turning back to Lena. “It appears that my schedule is wide open,” she said with a nervous laugh.

 

The other woman shot her a beautiful smile. “Great! Maybe tonight? We could have dinner?”

 

Kara panicked internally for a moment before answering as confidently as she could. “Sure! How’s 7? I’ll pick you up.”

 

***

 

Kara walked into the apartment she shared with her sister and Kelly to find them sitting on the couch watching Grey’s. 

 

“Alex, Kelly, don’t freak out. I have some news.”

 

The pair looked up at her expectantly. Winn came bounding into the house, sliding to a stop beside her.

 

“Kara’s got a date!!” He shouted with a shit-eating grin plastered across his face.

 

“What? Who?” Alex asked in disbelief.

 

“Way to go, Kara. That’s awesome!” Kelly added.

 

They jumped up off the couch to help her get ready. 

 

***

 

Across town, in a spacious penthouse apartment, Lena was making her own preparations. She strapped a sheath of throwing knives to her ankle, donned her black kevlar bustier, and wound her lush dark hair into a chignon, before sticking two long, poison-tipped pins through it.

 

She pulled on tight black jeans and a low cut floral top, and was lacing up tall, black boots, when her phone rang.

 

“Luthor.” She answered.

 

“What’s your status?” Came the woman’s voice from the other end of the line.

 

“She’s picking me up for a date,” she said, checking the mag in her pistol.

 

“You’re on your own for this one, Lena. I can’t help you if something goes wrong.”

 

Lena paused. “I don’t know about this girl, Marsdin. She doesn’t seem like a spy.”

 

“Nice girls aren’t sent government secrets, Lena.” Marsdin replied.

 

Lena heard a knock at her door, and she slammed the clip back into her pistol, tucking it into her waistband as she headed to the door.

 

“What should I do if she runs?” She asked quietly.

 

She pulled open the door to find Kara standing in the entryway, dressed in a dark blue button up and burgundy slacks, her blonde hair falling loosely around her shoulders in waves, flowers in hand. Kara gave her a charming smile.

 

“Kill her.”

 

She hung up the phone and smiled back at Kara.

 

***