You are probably drunk off your ass and won’t read this letter but I’m still writing it anyway because I’ve already started moving the pencil and I’d look stupid if I just suddenly stopped after only the first two words. The least I want to do is appear stupid in a room full of delinquent mutants like the one I’m in right now!
Also, forgive my language but this is how badasses talk and write and these people can’t know I’m not a criminal. I gotta blend in this new dangerous school I’ve enrolled in or there would be dire consequences to my person. I know it was my idea to come here to study the violent behavior of other mutants but I never thought it’d be so scary.
Oh crap! They are looking over my shoulder!
The redhead’s voice was bit too high-pitched, then suddenly too deep and finally somewhat level by the time he had finished asking, “HEY DUDE are yOU writing a Badass letter?”
Somewhere one student thought threateningly ‘It better be a badass letter! Badasses write only badass letters!’ Another student was wondering if tomatoes were fruits or vegetables.
“O-Of course it’s a badass letter!” spluttered Charles, “See? I even drew some skulls here in the corners!”
“You gotta write threats and curses too. Lots of curses. Badass curses.” Pointed a blond guy, he turned deadly serious then, “I once wrote a badass letter, I was pretty pleased with it myself,” he said and everyone was focused on him, expectant, “I was a fool.”
There was a collective gasp.
“I didn’t write enough ‘shits’ or ‘fucks’ in it. In fact, I even wrote ‘crap’ instead of ‘shit’ in a line.”
The students were all shell-shocked, their faces a petrified image of horror.
“Man, you don’t do that! You don’t ever do that. Period,” said a student with dark skin. “That’s stupid shit, man!”
“I know!” replied the blonde, hands entwined in his own hair pulling frantically, “I fucking know! I was stupid,” he sobered some, “At least I didn’t write a loser letter that probably wasn’t going to be read because the person receiving it was drunk of their ass!”
“ThAT’D be the stupidest, aLRIght. No badass DOES that, ever.” Nodded solemnly the redhead, his voice changing pitch constantly.
Charles’ face froze and he felt like the room was a thousand times smaller. The air suddenly too heavy to breathe.
They can never read this letter! He thought desperately but when Charles came to be and looked to his left he saw a big muscled man with shiny metal skin reading his letter. He was naked from the waist up and wore only red and yellow pants.
“Who’s this guy? Hey you, who are you?” the blond boy poked incessantly at the metal guy’s sides and when he didn’t get a reaction, he hit him in the head a couple times. The man, however, remained unmoving, still reading the letter.
Charles cleared his throat pointedly, “Excuse me, but that is my letter.”
“HIS badass lettER,” corrected helpfully the readhead, “By the WAY, I’m Sean Cassidy,” he said as he extended a hand to Charles.
“Charles Xavier,” greeted Charles in response.
“Well, now you know!” growled menacingly the blond student, “That’s Xavier’s badass letter, give it back or he’s gonna kick your ass.”
Charles paled. “Err, I don’t think…”
“Can’t you talk or something?” asked the dark-skinned boy, Charles could read in his mind that his name was Armando Muñoz but that everyone called him by his badass name ‘Darwin’.
“It does seem that way,” observed Charles when the metal guy, letter still in hand, calmly left the classroom without saying a thing. Everyone followed him and quickly arrived to the school’s gates.
“WhaT’S he DOIng?”
“It’s seems like—“ all of Charles’s classmates stood there, astounded, while the metallic man dug up a postage stamp from one of his back pockets. He licked it before pasting it on the letter’s envelope, “he’s sending it away.”
“When did he put it in an envelope? Where did he even get an envelope?” Asked Charles.
Cassidy shook his head dazedly. “I don’t EVen know, duDE.”
They crossed the school gates behind the silent guy to a mailbox.
“I didn’t know there was a mailbox right in front of the school like this,” muttered Darwin.
The metallic man deposited the letter and went back inside the school, headed to the first years’ classrooms.
“I’ll call him Colossus,” decided Charles. Everyone nodded in agreement.
When they all returned to the classroom Colossus wasn’t there.
“He’s in another classroom,” said a girl with blue-scaled body when someone raised the question about the weird guy’s whereabouts, “my classroom,” she clarified.
“What the hell’s a girl doing here?! Isn’t this supposed to be an all boys school?” asked Darwin outraged.
“I’m a boy,” she replied, deadpan.
Charles and Cassidy just stared at her and thought ‘SHE CLEARLY ISN’T! ‘
“You saying Raven isn’t a dude? What’s your problem, Darwin? huh? HUH?” shouted the blond boy as if it had been himself the one insulted, “You saying they let girls in our badass school? You badmouthing our school? You badmouthing Raven? The Raven? The Mystiq? You badmouthing fellow delinquents now, huh?”
“I’m sorry Alex! I, I might have misjudged. Raven is obviously a man,” acquiesced Darwin befuddled.
‘BUT SHE ISN’T!’ thought again in unison Charles and Cassidy.
Raven tried to cross her arms in indignation but her breasts where getting in the way. After some struggle, she finally managed to cross her arms under them.
“Whatever. I should kick your ass but I won’t. After all, I only came to tell you guys that Colossus doesn’t know how to read English so stop asking him to read your stupid letters,” said Raven with a huff, “he only knows Russian.”
“I assure you, err,” Charles reminded himself of her name, “Raven, that he came here of his own free will.”
“Sure, and there are blue furred giant cats prowling in the school halls too,” snorted the girl derisively.
Everyone turned their attention to the door when they heard it slid abruptly open. A blue furred giant cat-like beast peeked in. It gave the place a critical look then inspected the occupants thoughtfully before it seemed to realize they all were staring at it and fretted, quickly closing the door. Its steps could be heard growing fainter as it hurried down the hall.
No one dared to break the silence until Cassidy spoke to Charles, “AT LEAst it was nice of Colossus to send the LEtTEr for you, dude.”
“Oh yeah,” agreed Charles, “it was.”
Everyone nodded gravely.
Later, when the classes had ended and Charles was going back to his rented apartment a sudden thought assaulted his mind.
WAIT! So how did Colossus know whom to send the letter?