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Cursing My Name (wishing I'd stayed)

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We gather here

We line up weeping in a sunlit room

And if I'm on fire

You'll be made of ashes, too

 

The first time Catra sees her again is at the destruction of Thaymor. 

 

Wearing her goodness as a costume, fighting for every thing she never knew she even believed in, without Catra by her side. It shouldn’t sting but it does. The ease at which Adora abandoned the Horde, abandoned her. After all the times she tried to convince Adora to run away, the ghosts of Shadow Weaver’s torture lingering in her bones, was met with a resounding no. All Catra had to do was look into Adora’s eyes, the sweet innocence, the belief that what she was doing was right, the need to save the world, and know that the battle was lost. Catra would never have the strength to leave the Horde without Adora by her side, she wouldn't want to. 

 

She never thought that one day Adora would leave her .

 

Even on my worst day

Did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you

I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

 

Adora feels the claw shaped wounds in her back. She can still feel the stinging but worst of all she could still remember the pure hate rolling off of Catra in waves. 

How could she have hurt Catra so badly that she’s driven to all this destruction even after she saw all the pain and innocent lives she was hurting? 

Deep down she knows it’s because of her. But when she snuck out that night she never meant to leave Catra behind. She just didn’t want to get her in trouble! She would do anything now to change that, to have Catra with her right at this moment. 

To let her know that she loves her. And that she never stopped.

 

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And you're the hero flying around saving face

And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name

Wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet



All Catra could hear in her head was Adora’s eager voice, thinking that Catra would drop everything once again to join her and her stupid little sparkle friends, declaring that they were fighting on the wrong side of the war. 

Catra remembered every single time she pulled Adora in by the wrist pleading with her that the Horde wasn't safe, not for people like her, not for people who were hard to love. But Adora would always twist it some way or the other, always ending with a promise. 

That promise, something so sacred, just like that, cut down the centre with a magical sword.

 

Catra walks away, if Adora wants to fight, I’ll fight. 

 

We gather stones

Never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw

Some to make a diamond ring

You know I didn't want to

Have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

You wear the same jewels

That I gave you

As you bury me

 

They say love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Catra wonders if Adora even thinks about her. Every time they meet at each end of the battlefield all she wants is to shout and say come back, please. They’re winning and she never wanted to do it without Adora leading the way. She doesn’t even care about this stupid war. The Horde has never been good. 

But Catra knows she can’t. Can’t show weakness. 

Even with Shadow Weaver gone, the scars still remain. She knows she left a few of her own in Adora. She has a twisted thought that maybe Adora finally knows what it feels like. 

Catra contemplates the end of the war. She knows this rivalry will probably end with a death and she knows it's going to be hers. She can’t find it in herself to care. It’ll probably hurt Adora more than it hurt her. Maybe then she’ll finally win.

 

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And you're the hero flying around saving face

And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name

Wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

 

She fights her way to the top and builds an army. Of course she does. She’s ruthless and cruel. Everything Adora’s not, everything She Ra’s not. But hurt doesn’t stay in one place, and it leaves a destructive path on its way to Brightmoon. Until it finds Adora. 

 

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want

Just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you

When I'm screaming at the sky

And when you can't sleep at night

You hear my stolen lullaby

 

Adora finally has freedom but she knows it came at a great cost. She doesn’t know if it was worth it. THe noble part of her insists that it is. She’s fighting for the good of Etheria, she can finally see all the evil the Horde has done all these years. But with that clarity comes the actualization of all the hurt it did to Catra. And how it’s not her fault for turning out the way she did. She loves her friends truly, but they’ll never get it. They don’t understand what it’s like to only have two options for dinner, brown or grey. They go on vacations and get grounded and have sleepovers and all Adora could think about is the war.

They don’t get how serious this is for her. The Horde stole everything from her. So why does she feel homesick? Because one other thing the Horde stole from her? Her best friend. The person she lo- cares for more than anything in the world. But it's the one place she can’t go, the one plays she’s no longer welcome. She knows catra misses her too. Knows she’s doing all of this just to spite her. But she can't seem to care.

She found an empty balcony one night early on when the bed was too soft to sleep on. She goes there at night now looking up at the sky. She knows Catra’s doing the same thing at the highest point in the Fright Zone. She hopes that she can feel her presence.

 

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

Cursing my name

Wishing I stayed

You turned into your worst fears

And you're tossing out blame

Drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years

And you're cursing my name

Wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

 

The war is real now, Adora knows. She fights with all she can even if it’s against the love of her life. There’s just too much at stake. And she knows she would risk everything to end the battle they’re fighting even if it means they both drown.

She sees the way Catra fights with such a veracity she’s never seen before. Even to her fellow Horde members. She’s turning into Shadow Weaver and Adora knows that Catra would die before she ever became anything like her abuser. But she’s on the inside, she can’t see it. She is it. But it’s not in Adora’s nature to give up.

So when she sees that Catra’s still on Horde Prime’s ship after saving Glimmer, she knows that she has to save her. She can feel the hurt, the pieces of Catra’s heart leading a path towards her. Her tears ricochetting.

This time she’s gonna stay.