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What The Pines Did This Summer

Chapter Text

Mason “Dipper” Pines was frustrated. It had only been two months since he and Mabel had returned to Piedmont but it felt like an eternity, compared to the wackiness of Gravity Falls home just felt so dull and boring.

“What’s up Dipping Sauce? You look bored?” Mabel asked as she poked his elbow, the brunette simply sighed as he closed his book and turned to face his sister.

“That’s because I am” He stated simply and a frown briefly appeared on Mabel’s face before it was replaced by a blinding smile.

“Then let’s go explore! It’s Saturday and mom and dad won’t be back until late, I’m sure we can find something interesting to do!” She said excitedly and despite himself, Dipper felt a smile form onto his face.

“That’s a great idea Mabs” He said warmly and Mabel’s smile somehow widened tenfold. However, before either twin could move there was a sudden bright flash of light that blinded both of them.

When the light faded they found themselves in a large room that looked like a movie theatre, only there were no doors and the chairs were replaced with lounge chairs and couches. Mabel without thinking about it reached out to grasp Dipper’s hand which he squeezed in reassurance.

They weren't alone for long as soon there was another flash of light and a group of people appeared in a giant heap which Dipper and Mabel couldn’t help but laugh at. As the group of people untangled themselves Dipper quickly scanned over the crowd to see who was all there, it looked like a majority of the people were from Piedmont including their parents but they weren’t who caught his attention and from the excited gasp that escaped from Mabel, she must have seen them too.

“Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Ford!” She shrieked as she ran forward and tackled the older gentlemen and pulled them into a bear hug. They both chuckled and returned the hug just as tightly, Dipper quickly made his way over and was pulled into the hug by Stan.

“It’s good to see you guys again” Dipper mumbled as he buried his head into his great uncle's chest. Once they pulled away Ford gave both twins a warm smile before he began glancing around the room.

“I must agree though I find myself wondering how we all appeared here” He mused, a thoughtful expression quickly appeared on Dipper’s face.

“I’m not sure” He muttered as he rubbed at his chin thoughtfully, but before he could think further on it his parents decided to make their presence known.

“Mabel! Dipper!” They both called out as they rushed over and pulled them both into a protective embrace. While Mabel smiled at their parents Dipper just grunted in displeasure, after everything he and Mable had been through he really didn’t like to be coddled.

“Good everyone is here!” A chipper female voice announced, everyone started to glance around the room earning them an amused chuckle from the voice.

“Sillies, I’m not really there that would be stupid” The voice said cheerfully, a few people huffed at this.

“Why are we here?” Dipper questioned only to be hushed by his mother which made his eyebrow twitch slightly.

“An excellent question Dipper, I would expect nothing else from my favourite” The voice stated and a cold chill ran down Dippers spine, that brought back way to many memories of Bill for his liking.

“The reason I have gathered all of you lovely people together is to show you what Dipper and Mable did all summer” Voice continued cheerfully. Their parents turned to stare down at them in confusion while Dipper and Mabel winced, they hadn’t quite figured out how to tell their parents about all of their adventures just yet.

“Why should we care about what those losers did all summer?” Gabriel Thorn questioned grumpily, earning him deep frowns from Dipper and Mabels, Gabriel Thorn was a massive bully who loved making Dipper’s life hell. Though ever since Dipper had returned from Gravity Falls he had been ignoring the boy which he definitely did not like.

“You should care because these two are heroes” The voice growled which made a chill to run down everyone’s spines. Dipper grunted when his parents tightened their holds on him and Mabel.

“How are they, heroes?” Willow Smith questioned curiously, she was an elderly lady who had lived next door to the twins since they were babies and though she had noticed that something had definitely changed about the twins since they had been away she couldn’t help but wonder what could have happened to them that would cause this mysterious voice to refer to them as heroes.

“You’ll see” The voice said in amusement as the screen came to life and it showed the words, Gravity Falls.

“The Pines will find their seats at the front, everyone else can sit where ever they want” Was the last thing the voice said before it went silent. Slowly everyone made their way to their seats. Dipper sighed in relief when he saw that he and Mabel were sharing a couch while his parents had the armchairs next to Mabel while Stan and Ford had the two armchairs on his side. Though he couldn’t help but frown slightly when he realized Gabriel had sat behind him.

Once everyone was seated the screen began to play.

Chapter Text

The episode opens with a shot of the sun. Dipper starts to narrate. 

Dipper Pines (narrating:) Ah, summer break. 

The camera pans to Hank grilling burgers while Shmipper and Smabble are running around beside him. Others sit at a picnic table. 

Matthew and Susan shared a confused look those two children looked an awful lot like Dipper and Mabel, how strange. 

Hank: So you want cheese on that, hon?

Hank’s Wife: Sure, Hank. 

Dipper: A time for leisure, recreation, and taking ‘er easy. 

A few people nodded in agreement at this, that is exactly what summer was for. 

The camera stops at the “Welcome to Gravity Falls” sign. 

Dipper: Unless you’re me. 

While a few people raised confused eyebrows Dipper and Mabel shrank into their seats, they were not looking forward to seeing how their parents reacted to this. 

Mabel and Dipper Pines crash through the “Welcome to Gravity Falls” sign with the Mystery Cart screaming. They are being chased by an unknown monster, which is knocking down trees. 

The people of Piedmont’s eyes widen while Matthew and Susan gasped in horror. Stan groaned at the sight earning him a snort of amusement from Ford. 

“You certainly did a great job of keeping an eye on those kids” He said teasingly, Stan huffed and jabbed him in the side. 

“Shut it Sixer” He grumbled which just earned him another chuckle from Ford.

Mabel: ( Looks back) It’s getting closer!

Matthew and Susan squeezed the hands of each other worriedly. 

The monster tries to catch the cart but just falls short. The cart Flies off a rock and lands roughly. 

“What were you two doing!” Their parents finally shouted worriedly as they turned to face Mabel and Dipper. 

“I was just trying to save Mabel from her crazy boyfriend” Dipper said as he pointed at his sister which made his parent's eyes widen tenfold. 

“Boyfriend?!” They shrieked, a few people winced at the loud noise while Mabel gave Dipper an annoyed look. 

“Really?” She questioned sarcastically earning her a smirk from Dipper.  

“What? Aren’t you the one who is always preaching that lying is wrong?” He asked innocently, she huffed in annoyance before she attempted to calm her parents down. Meanwhile, Dipper was staring behind him in surprise when he realized that Gabriel was snickering at what he had said. When the other boy noticed Dipper’s stare he quickly sobered up and looked away grumpily confusing Dipper even more. 

Dipper: My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we’re doing in a golf cart, fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. 

“Yes, I would like to know” Matthew mumbled grumpily as he stared at the screen as if that would make the on-screen version of his son explain things faster. 

The monster throws a tree in their path. 

Susan grabbed Mabel and was practically strangling her with a hug, Dipper had shuffled away so she wasn’t able to grab him as well. 

Mabel: Look out!

The image freezes with Mabel and Dipper screaming as they run into the screen. 

Dipper: Rest assured, there’s a perfectly logical explanation. 

“There better be” Matthew grumbled to himself. 

Cut to theme song. 

“Did… did they just get a theme song?” Abigail Reeds, the twin’s old babysitter, questioned in disbelief. 

“I think we did” Dipper said in surprise as he stared at the screen which had frozen on a still image of Bill Cipher which made Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Ford’s stomachs twist uncomfortably. 

Cut back to Dipper and Mabel in the golf cart. 

Dipper: Let’s rewind ( Flashback to Dipper and Mabel in their living room at home) It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air. 

Their parents take their stuff away, give them bags and put some sunscreen on their noses. 

Susan and Matthew frowned at this. 

Cut to a map of Oregon. Zoom in to Gravity Falls. 

Dipper (Narrating:) They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay at our great-uncle’s place in the woods. 

And in an instance, Matthew and Susan seemed to realize that Stan was there. 

“Why weren’t you keeping an eye on our babies!” Susan shrieked as she stood up and glared at Stan with Matthew copying her. Stan coughed into his hand nervously as he stared at the two furious parents. 

“Look you two didn’t give me a lot of forwarning that you were sending the kids to stay with me, I work all the time I couldn’t exactly devote all of my attention to the two of them” He tried to explain but they were having none of it and they just continued to shout at Stan. 

“Alright, that’s enough!” The mysterious voice snapped as a powerful force came over Susan and Matthew and forced them back into their seats. 

“Now be civil with each other or I’ll remove your mouths” They snapped and Susan and Matthew gasped fearfully and placed their hands over their mouths, once it was apparent that they would shout no more the episode resumed. 

Cut to Mabel in the attic hanging up posters. 

Mabel: This attic is amazing. Check out all my splinters! (Holds up hands, which have gigantic splinters sticking out of them) 

A few people winced at the sight. 

Dipper: (Backs up into his bed, which Gimpers is on; not narrating) And there’s a goat on my bed. 

“Why was there a goat in the house?” Hillary Dallas, one of the popular girls, questioned in disgust. 

“That’s Gompers he just does whatever he wants” Mabel explained which only made Hillary’s disgusted expression grow. 

Mabel: Hey, friend, (Holds out her arm, and Gompers chews on her sleeve) Oh! Yes, you can keep chewing on my sweater. (laughs) 

Susan scrunched her own nose up in disgust. 

Dipper (Narrating:) My sister tended to look on the bright side of things. 

A few people nodded in agreement, Mabel has always been a very cheerful child. 

Cut to Mabel rolling down a hill of grass. 

Mabel: Yay! Grass!

A few people chuckled at this. 

A woodpecker pecks on Dipper’s hat. 

Susan and Matthew frowned at the sight. 

“Didn’t that hurt?” Someone in back questioned and Dipper simply shrugged. 

“Honestly I had barely noticed it at that point it had been going at it for so long” He said dismissively which made his parents frowns grow. 

Dipper (Narrating:) But I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings. 

Stan: ( Jumps out at him wearing a mask) Boo!

A few people jumped in surprise while Stan burst out laughing. 

Dipper (Not narrating:) Ah! (Falls over) 

A few people chuckled at the sight while Dipper just rolled his eyes in annoyance. 

Stan: (Takes his mask off) Ahahahaha! Hahaha!

Dipper (Narrating:) And then there was our Great Uncle Stan, (As Stan slaps his knee) That Guy. 

Stan: (Coughs several times and hits his chest) It was worth it. 

Dipper rolled his eyes while Stan continued to laugh. 

Cut to Stan leading tourists through the Mystery Shack. 

Dipper (Narrating:) Our uncle had transformed his house into a tourist trap he called “The Mystery Shack.” The real mystery was why anyone came. 

“Why you little shit” Stan said as he pulled Dipper into a headlock and started giving him a noogie, Dipper just laughed as he attempted to get out of his Grunkle’s grasp. They both ignored the disapproving looks they were getting from Susan and Matthew. 

The Jackalope’s antler breaks off. 

Stan: Ladies and gentlemen, behold! The Sascrotch! 

Cut to a Sasquatch wearing underwear. 

“So your job is to scam people?” Matthew asked with a displeased look on his face, Stan just grinned and shrugged. 

“Basically” He said with a far too pleased expression on his face. 

“I don’t think that’s very ethical” Charles Bargas, the chief of police, grunted as he stared down at Stan who just shrugged without a care in the world. 

Tourists start speaking excitedly, and snap pictures.

A few people sweatdropped at the sight.

Cut to Dipper sweeping the wooden floor with a broom. Mabel is looking at stuff. 

Dipper (Narrating:) and guess who had to work there. (Not narrating; sighs) 

“At least it’s good work experience” Someone in the back commented helpfully, Dipper just sent them a deadpanned look.

Mabel: Ooh! (Reaches for large eyeball)

Stan: (Slaps her hand with his 8-ball cane) No touching the merchandise! 

Susan and Matthew shot Stan dark looks. 

Cut to Soos driving the Mystery Cart to the Mystery Shack. 

Dipper (Narrating:) It looked like it was going to be the same, boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day… 

A few people perked up curiously. 

Cut to Mabel peeking through Stan-bobbleheads. 

Mabel: He’s looking at it! He’s looking at it!

Cut to a boy looking at Mabel’s note. 

Boy: Uh… (Reading note) Do you like me? Yes? Definitely? Absolutely!!! (Looks around) 

Mabel: I rigged it!

“That’s kinda creepy” Gabriel muttered and Dipper couldn’t help but snort in agreement/amusement before quickly trying to cover it with a cough when he noticed the unreadable look Gabriel was giving him. 

“You’re to young to be thinking about boys” Matthew huffed earning him some looks of disbelief from the others while Susan just nodded her head in agreement. 

“She’s thirteen” Lillian Rose, the local librarian, muttered to herself. She had seen quite a few girls and boys younger then Mabel have little crushes on other kids, for the most part, they were just harmless and a totally normal part of growing up. 

Dipper: (Spraying a jar with water and wiping it; not narrating) Mabel, I know you’re going through your whole “Boy Crazy” phase, but I think you’re kind of overdoing it with the “crazy” part. 

“Understatement” Someone muttered and Mabel just huffed and crossed her arms. 

Mabel: What? (Blows raspberry) Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home! It’s my big chance to have an epic summer romance! 

Susan and Matthew grumbled to themselves, they should have never let them stay with Stan. 

Dipper eyed them warily, he was worried that they might never let them return to Gravity Falls again. 

Dipper: Yeah, but do you need to flirt with every guy you meet? 

Flashback to Mabel with a boy near a greeting cards display. 

Mabel: My name is Mabel, but you can call me “The girl of your dreams.” I’M JOKING! (Shoves him into the display) Ha ha ha ha ha! 

“If I remember correctly you sprained that kids wrist doing that” Dipper commented and Mabel rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. 

Flashback to a boy holding a turtle on a bench. 

Mabel: (Jumps up behind him) Oh my gosh, you like turtles? I like turtles too! What is happening here? 

“He never came near the Mystery Shack again” Dipper commented offhandedly and Mabel blushed in embarrassment. 

Flashback to the inside of a mattress store. 

Mattress King: Come one, come all, to the Mattress Prince’s kingdom of savings!

Mabel: (Hiding behind a set of colourful balloons; pops out head and whispers) Take me with you… 

Mattress King: Ah (Cowers away from Mabel and drops sceptre) 

“And he needed therapy” Dipper said as he smirked at Mabel who just groaned and buried her face into her hands while a few people snickered. 

Cut back to the present. 

Mabel: Mock all you want, brother, but I got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn’t be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now. 

Stan: (Walks through the door and burps, but it gets caught in his throat) Oh! Oh, not good. Ow. 

A bunch of people laughed at this while Mabel groaned and buried herself into her sweater. 

Mabel: Aww! Why!

Dipper: Hah ha ha!

Stan: All right, all right, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest. 

“Why the spooky part of the forest?” Willow questioned and Stan simply shrugged his shoulders uncaringly. 

Dipper: (Quickly) Not it! 

Mabel: (Quickly) Not it! 

Soos: Uh, also not it. 

Stan: Nobody asked you, Soos. 

Soos: I know, and I’m comfortable with that. (Eats chocolate bar) 

Stan: Wendy, I need you to put up this sign!

Wendy: (Pretends to reach for sigs) I would, but I, ugh, can’t, ugh, reach it, ugh… 

Stan: I’d fire all of you if I could. 

“Why don’t you?” Gillen Hughs, the owner of the towns most popular candy shop, asked curiously. Mabel poked her head of her sweater with a Cheshire Cat-like grin on her face. 

“Grunkle Stan’s just a big softie who doesn’t have the heart to get rid of any of us” Mabel said sweetly, Dipper and Ford burst out laughing while Stan turned to look at her with a shocked look on his face. 

“Mabel! What is this blasphemy!” He said dramatically which just made Mabel laugh, Stan shook his head and clutched at his chest. 

“This kid is going to kill me” He said once again dramatically which just made the three of them laugh even harder. Meanwhile, Susan and Matthew were giving the four of them an unreadable look. 

All right, let’s make… eenie, meenie, miney… (Points at Dipper) you.

Dipper’s laughter abruptly cut off as a violent flinch wracked through his body as horrible memories resurfaced. Mabel frowned worriedly and quickly wrapped a comforting arm around her twin. 

“It’s okay Dipper, he’s not here he can’t hurt you anymore” She whispered softly as she rubbed his back soothingly. Dipper took in a couple of deep breaths before he gave Mabel a thankful look. 

“Thanks, Mabel” He said softly as he rested his head on her shoulder. 

“You don’t need to thank me Dipping Sauce” She said warmly as she hugged him even closer. 

Meanwhile, Gabriel was watching the interaction with a curious expression on his face, no one else seemed to have noticed Dipper’s violent reaction not his parents or his great uncles only his sister. He shared a look with Hillary who had also overheard the exchange. 

“What do you think caused that?” He asked quietly and she scrunches her face up slightly as she studied the twins. 

“I don’t know, but we’ll probably find out from watching this” She said as she gestured at the screen, he hummed in agreement and refocused on the show. 

Dipper: Aw, what? Grunkle Stan, whenever I’m in those woods, I feel like I’m being watched. 

Stan: Ugh, this again. 

“You shouldn’t dismiss his fears like that, there’s no telling what could be in those woods” Sally Linwood, the twin’s homeroom teacher, said sternly. Stan, Ford, Dipper and Mabel all shared a look, oh they were well aware of what is in those woods. 

Dipper: I’m telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just today, my mosquito bites spelled out “BEWARE.” 

Stan: (Looks at Dipper’s arm) That says “BEWARB.” (Dipper scratches his arm) 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Look, kid. The whole “monsters in the forest” thing is just local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that. 

“I’m pretty sure that monster from the beginning is more than just legend” Lillian muttered offhandedly. 

A fat, sweaty man laughs while looking at a Stan-bobblehead’s head bobble. 

Stan: So quit being so paranoid! (Gives Dipper the signs; Dipps sighs)

Cut to a foggy forest with trees getting blown by the wind. 

“How could you just send him out into the woods by himself! What if he got lost?! Or hurt?! Or both?!” Susan shrieked at Stan who just raised his hands up in a placating manner. 

“Your son’s a lot tougher then you think, if I genuinely thought he couldn’t handle it I wouldn’t have sent him out there” He said reassuringly but Susan just huffed and gave him a nasty glare alongside Matthew. 

Meanwhile, Dipper just buried his face into Mabel’s shoulder in embarrassment, she just chuckled softly in amusement as she patted his shoulder comfortingly.

Dipper: Ugh, Grunkle Stan. Nobody ever believes anything I say. (Puts one sign up on a tree that says “To The Mystery Shack.” He starts to hammer a nail on another tree trunk, but it makes a metallic sound. 

Ford perks up ever so slightly, so that’s how Dipper found it. 

He taps the tree with the hammer, which makes more metallic sounds. He wipes away some dust and opens a secret window revealing a mechanical bow with two control switches on top. He tests one control but nothing happens. Then he tries the other. Behind him, a hole opens up in the ground. 

A few people were on the edge of their seats wondering what it was that Dipper found. 

Gompers bleats and runs away.) What the? (Looks inside the hole, and there is a book. 

“It’s just a stupid book” Gabriel grumbled in disappointment, he thought it was going to be something really cool. 

Meanwhile, Stan groaned and buried his face in his hands, it had been right there! If only he had gone to hang up the signs himself he could have prevented Dipper and Mabel from ever getting involved with the supernatural oddities of Gravity Falls. 

He picks the book up and places it on the ground, and checks for people watching. He flips one page and an eye-glass is in it. He looks at the eye-glass and puts it down. He flips another page, and begins reading aloud) “It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon.” 

This recaught a few people’s attention. 

(Flips through pages) What is all this? (Stops at a page that says “TRUST NO ONE” 

Ford frowned slightly, he was very glad that Dipper did not follow his warning. 

And starts reading) “Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I’m being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. 

Mabel tightened her grip on Dipper as she felt a much smaller flinch wracked through his body. Mabel almost wished Bill was still around so that she could punch him in his stupid eyeball, Dipper had had to suffer from so many nightmares because of that stupid triangle. Her brother did not deserve to have to suffer like this. 

Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust.” (Closes Journal) No one you can trust… 

Mabel: (Jumps up behind a log) HALLO! 

A few people jumped at Mabel’s sudden appearance. 

Dipper: AH!

Mabel: What’cha readin’, some nerd thing? 

Dipper: (Hides journal behind back) Uh, uh, it’s nothing! 

Mabel: (Imitating Dipper) “Uh, uh, it’s nothing!” (Laughs) What? Are you actually not gonna show me? 

Mabel frowned slightly, she often wondered if she hadn’t pushed would Dipper have ever shown her the Journal? 

Gompers: (Nibbles the edge of the journal) 

Dipper: Uhhh… (Glances at Gompers) Let’s go somewhere private. 

Cut a view of the Mystery Shack. Dipper and Mabel are in the living room. 

Dipper: It’s amazing! Grunkle Stan said I was being paranoid, but according to this book, Gravity Falls has this secret dark side, (Shows Mabel a page) 

“Was that monster from the beginning something from the book?” Abigail asked curiously. 

“Yup” Dipper said simply, which greatly interested quite a few people. 

Mabel: Whoa! Shut. Up! (Pushes Dipper) 

Dipper: And get this! After a certain point, the pages just... Stop, like the guy who was writing it… mysteriously disappeared. 

Stan wrapped an arm around Ford’s shoulder’s and held onto him protectively. 

(Doorbell rings) Who’s that? 

Mabel: Well, time to spill the beans. (Knocks over a can of beans on the table) Boop. Beans. 

A few people laughed at this. 

This girl’s got a date! Woot woot! (Falls backwards into the chair, giggling) 

Susan and Matthew frowned disapprovingly. 

Dipper: Let me get this straight: in the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend? 

Mabel: What can I say? I guess I’m just IRRESISTIBLE! 

A few people laughed at this while Dipper just rolled his eyes fondly. 

(Doorbell rings twice) Oh. Coming! (Runs out) 

Dipper: (Sits down in chair and begins to read the Journal) 

Stan: (Walks in and sees Dipper) What’cha reading there, slick? 

Dipper: Oh! (Throws the book under the seat cushion and grabs a magazine) I was just catching up on, uh… (Sees the cover of the magazine) Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine? 

Stan: That’s a good issue. 

Stan groaned while Ford laughed, it had been right under his nose this whole time! 

Mabel: (Standing next to Norman) Hey, family! Say hello to my new boyfriend!

“He looks like the undead” Hillary said as she scrunched her nose up in disgust. 

“He also looks far too old for you young lady” Susan said sternly. 

Norman: ‘Sup? 

Dipper: Hey… 

Stan: How’s it hanging? 

Mabel: We met at the cemetery. 

“Why were you at the cemetery?” Willow questioned and Mabel just laughed sheepishly. 

“Not important” She said which only confused more people. 

He’s really deep. (Feels his arm) Oh. Little muscle there. That’s… what a surprise… 

Susan and Matthew scowled at the sight. 

“You are such a dork” Dipper whispered teasingly and Mabel just laughed in agreement. 

Dipper: So, what’s your name? 

Norman: Uh. Normal… MAN! 

“Like that’s not suspicious at all” Emilia Williams, the Latin teacher at the twin’s school, drawled sarcastically. 

Mabel: He means Norman. 

Dipper: Are you bleeding, Norman? 

Norman: (With a red liquid dripping down his face) It’s jam. 

“Wait, is he actually the undead?” Hillary questioned slightly unnerved. 

“No he wasn’t, but damn would things have been much less annoying if he was” Dipper said while muttering the second bit so only Mabel could hear, who snorted slightly in agreement. The Gnomes were so freaking annoying.

Mabel: (Gasps) I love jam! Look. At. This!

Norman: So, you wanna go hold hands or… whatever? 

Mabel: Oh, oh, my goodness. (Giggles) Don’t wait up! (Runs out) 

Norman: (Points at Stan and Dipper and runs into the wall several times on his way out) 

A few people shared curious looks, there was definitely something not normal about Norman. 

Dipper: (Narrating) There was something about Norman that wasn’t right. I decided to consult the journal. 

“Are you sure you're not just being an overprotective brother?” Somebody teased and Dipper just rolled his eyes, he had had a valid reason to be concerned. 

Cuts to Dipper in the attic. 

Dipper: (Reading aloud from Journal) Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes these creatures are often mistaken for… teenagers?! Beware Gravity Falls’s nefarious… (Gasps) 

We see the journal page on The Undead. The picture of the zombie becomes Norman. 

“But you said he wasn’t the undead?” Gabriel grunted unimpressed and Dipper let out a tired sigh. 

“He’s not, but at the time that’s what I thought he was” He replied simply earning him a noncommittal grunt from Gabriel. 

Norman: (As the zombie on the journal page) “Sup. 

Dipper: ZOMBIE!

Cut to Stan in the Bathroom. 

Stan” Somebody say “crombie”? What is that, crombie? That’s not even a word. You’re losing your mind. 

Quite a few people laughed at this, none louder then Ford and the twins. Stan just groaned and covered his face with his hand. 

Dipper looks out the window to see Norman walking towards Mabel outstretched arms while moaning. 

Susan gasped worriedly and attempted to reach out for Mabel but Dipper pulled her away slightly so that their mother couldn’t reach her. 

Mabel: I like you. 

Dipper: Oh, no! Mabel! No, no, Mabel, watch out! 

Norman: Huh, huh! (Puts hands around Mabel’s neck) 

Dipper: AHHHHH!

Norman: (Removes arms, revealing flower necklace) Huhhh!

Susan and Matthew let out soft breaths of relief. 

Mabel: (Gasps) Daisies? You scallywag… 

Dipper: Is my sister really dating a zombie, or am I just going nuts? 

Soos: (Screwing in a lightbulb) It’s a dilemma, to be sure. (Dipper gasps) 

“How long was he there?” Somebody questioned and Dipper tilted his head thoughtfully. 

“You know, I never found out” He mused thoughtfully.

I couldn’t help but overhear you talkin’ aloud to yourself in this empty room. 

Dipper: Soos, you’ve seen Mabel’s boyfriend. He’s gotta be a zombie, right? 

Soos: Hmm. How many brains didja see the guy eat? 

Dipper: (Looks down) Zero. 

Soos: Look, dude, I believe you. I’m always noticing weird stuff about this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude’s a werewolf. 

Flashback of a hairy mailman walking by Soos, who is eating his lunch outside. Soos scoots away from his, suspicious. 

A few people chuckled while Ford sat forward slightly. 

“I have theories” He said and Stan rolled his eyes. 

“Of course you do” He said in amusement, Ford just huffed and punched Stan’s shoulder playfully. 

Soos: But ya gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you’re a major league cuckoo clock. 

Dipper: As always, Soos, you’re right. 

Soos: My wisdom is both a blessing and a curse. 

Stan: (Shouting offscreen) Soos! The portable toilets are clogged again!

Soos: I am needed elsewhere. (Backs out) 

A few people chuckled at this while Mabel and Dipper shared a fond look, man did they miss Soos. 

Dipper: (Narrating) My sister could be in trouble. It was time to get some evidence. 

“Thanks for looking out for me Dipper” Mabel said softly, Dipper just smiled softly and pulled her closer. 

“You don’t need to thank me Mabel” He said warmly. 

Cut to Dipper filming Mabel and Norman in the park. 

“You are a bit of a creep though” Mabel said teasingly and Dipper just huffed and pushed her away playfully. 

Mabel: (Throws a frisbee at Norman, who fails to catch it and falls over) 

Dipper: (Stops looking through the camera and frowns at Norman) 

Cut to Norman breaking through a door window to open it from the inside and letting Mabel inside the diner. 

Norman: (Stumbles around and crashes, trying to follow Mabel) 

Dipper: (Looks out from behind menu) 

Cut to Mabel and Norman frolicking in a field. 

Norman: (Falls into an open grave, then crawls out, hand first, screaming)

Mabel and Norman: (Pause, then laugh) 

Dipper: (Narrating) I’d seen enough. 

“I don’t know he just seems like an awkward teenager” Willow said with a few people nodding in agreement. 

Cut to Mabel and Dipper's room. Mabel is brushing her hair and Dipper enters. 

Dipper: (Not narrating) Mabel. We’ve gotta talk about Norman. 

Mabel: Isn’t he the best? Check out this giant smooch mark he gave me! (Shows her cheek, which has a red spot on it) 

“Mabel Pines!” Susan and Matthew shrieked as they jumped to their feet and scowled down at their daughter who was smiling at them sheepishly. 

“It’s not what it looks like” She said simply but that just made her parents scowls deepen, they attempted to scold her further but they were both suddenly forced back into their seats, they crossed their arms in annoyance while Mabel let out a breath of relief. 

Dipper: Ah!

Mabel: Ha, ha! Gullible. It was just an accident with the leaf blower!

A few people shot Mabel confused looks while she just blushed slightly in embarrassment. 

Flashback to Mabel with a leaf blower. 

Mabel: (Putting a picture of Norman on a leaf blower’s tube) Kissing practise! (Leans into the leaf blower, but then it sucks in the picture and sticks to her face as well; she runs around) AHHH! Turn it off! Turn it off! 

A lot of people burst out laughing at this while Mabel just chuckled sheepishly. 

“Not one of my greatest ideas” She remarked and Dipper huffed in amusement. 

“It turned out useful in the end though” He replied as he bumped his elbow into her side and she smiled brightly at the reminder. 

“Yeah you're right” She said cheerfully. 

Cut back to present. 

Mabel: That was fun. 

Dipper: No, Mabel, listen! I’m trying to tell you that Norman is not what he seems! (Shows her the Journal) 

Mabel: (Gasps) You think he might be a vampire? That would be so awesome

“Why would that be awesome?” Gabriel asked bewildered, Hillary rolled her eyes. 

“It’s a girl thing you wouldn't understand” She said dismissively earning her a displeased huff from Gabriel. 

Dipper: Guess again, sister. SHA-BAM! (Holds book open to the Gnomes page) 

Dipper and Mabel shared an amused look. 

Mabel: Agh! 

Dipper: Oh, wait. I’m-I’m sorry… (Flips to Undead page) Sha-bam!

Mabel: A zombie? That is not funny, Dipper. 

“Why did the Gnomes scare you but not the zombies?” Abigail asked, to which Mabel just shrugged. 

Dipper: I’m not joking! It all adds up: the bleeding, the limp. He never blinks! Have you noticed that? 

Mabel: Maybe he’s blinking when you’re blinking. 

“There’s no way their blinking would sink up that perfectly that Dipper never saw Norman blink” Lillian commented, Mabel just rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. 

Dipper: Mabel, remember what the book said about Gravity Falls? Trust no one!

“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you Dipper” Mabel mumbled as she pulled him into a hug. Dipper just huffed fondly and hugged her back. 

“Don’t worry about it Mabs” He said softly earning him a bright smile from Mabel.

Mabel: Well, what about me, huh? Why can’t you trust me? (Puts on star earrings) Beep bop!

Dipper: Mabel, (shaking her) he’s going to eat your brain!

Mabel: (Pushes him away) Dipper, listen to me. Norman and I are going on a date at five o’clock, and I’m gonna be ADORABLE, and he’s gonna be DREAMY, (pushing Dipper out of the room)

“Damn your determined” Hillary said slightly impressed. 

Dipper: Bu-bu-but-

Mabel: And I am not gonna let you ruin it with one of your crazy CONSPIRACIES! (Slams the door) 

Mabel hugged Dipper a little tighter. 

Dipper: (Sighs and sits down) What am I gonna do? 

Cut to the clock, which tells the time at 5:00. The doorbell rings. 

Mabel: (Pulls on her sweater as she races downstairs) Coming! (Sees Norman) Hey, Norman. How do I look? 

Norman: Shinny… 

“He’s not wrong about that” Gabriel muttered to himself, he could never understand why girls liked bright shiny things. 

Mabel: You always know what to say! (Walks off with him) 

Dipper: (Watching the video he collected) Soos was right. I don’t have any real evidence. (Video shows Mabel teaching Norman hopscotch, but he only falls over; Dipper fast forwards to Mabel and Norman with Norman’s arm around Mabel) I guess I can be kind of paranoid sometimes and- (on the tape, Norman’s hand falls off;

A few people shout in alarm. 

He glances around, then reattaches it) 

“Alright if he’s not a zombie then what the hell is he!” Hillary shouted in alarm and Dipper rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. 

“It’s kinda hard to explain so you’ll just have to wait and see” He said earning him an unhappy grunt from Hillary as she crossed her arms and scowled up at the screen as if it would tell what she wanted to know faster. 

Wait, WHAT?! (Rewinds the tape and watches it again; he screams and tips the chair backwards) I was right! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! (Races outside) Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!

Stan: (On stage in front of a bunch of tourists; to the crowd:) And here we have Rock that looks like a face rock: the rock that looks like a face. 

Stan frowned slightly, Mabel had been in danger and he had been too busy entertaining tourists to notice. 

Unnamed hillbilly: Does it look like a rock? 

Stan: No, it looks like a face. 

Fat Tourist: Is it a face? 

Stan: It’s a rock that looks like a face! 

Dipper: Over here! Grunkle Stan!

Stan: For the fifth time! It’s-it’s not an actual face. 

A few people laughed at Stan’s frustration. 

Dipper: Errrgh!

Cut to Mabel and Norman in the woods. 

Mabel: Finally, we’re alone. 

Norman: Yes. Alone… 

A few people tensed nervously. 

Cut back to the Mystery Shack. 

Dipper: Stan! Stan! (Sees Wendy drive up in a golf cart and runs over) Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save m sister from a zombie!

Wendy: (Gives Dipper the keys and walks off) Try not to hit any pedestrians. 

Dipper and Mabel smiled at this, they definitely missed Wendy. 

Dipper: (Gets in and starts to drive, but Soos stops him)

Soos: Dude, it’s me: Soos. This is for the zombies. (Gives Dipper a shovel) 

Dipper: Thanks. 

Soos: (Holds up a baseball bat) And this is in case you see a piñata. 

Everyone stared at the screen in confusion while the two sets of Pines Twins laughed. 

Dipper: (Takes the bat) Uh… Thanks? (Drives off) 

Soos: Better safe than sorry! 

Cut back to the woods. 

Norman: Uh, Mabel, now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s… (exhales) ...there’s something I should tell you. 

Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything! (Thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!

Dipper rolled his eyes fondly as he pushed Mabel over while she just laughed. 

Norman: All right, just… just don’t freak out, okay? Just… just keep an open mind, be cool! (Unzips his coat and throws it off; underneath are five gnomes standing on top of each other. The Top gnome speaks) 

“What?!” Someone shouted in shock. 

“Gnomes?!” Someone else shouted while everyone else was just stared at the screen in bafflement. 

“Are you serious?” Hillary groaned as she rubbed at her temple in exasperation. 

Susan and Matthew just stared at the screen not sure how to process this new information. 

Jeff: Is this weird? Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down? 

Mabel: (Stares at the gnomes in total shock) 

Jeff: R-r-right, I’ll explain. So! We’re gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way. 

Mabel: Uh… 

Jeff: I’m Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and… I’m sorry, I always forget your name. 

Shmebulock: Shmebulock. 

Jeff: (Snaps his fingers) Shmebulock! Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin’ for a new queen! Right, guys? 

Gnomes except Jeff: Queen! Queen! Queen!

Jeff: Heh. So what do you say? (Taps Steve with his foot, and the gnomes work together to make “Norman” kneel in a proposing fashion) Will you join us in holy matrignomey? Mari… marti- mo -ny! Blah! Can’t talk today!

“This is so weird” Heather Oscar, one of Hillary’s friends, muttered to herself. 

Mabel: Look… I’m sorry, guys. You’re really sweet, but, I’m a girl, and you’re gnomes, and it’s like, “what”? Yikes… 

Jeff: We understand. We’ll never forget you, Mabel. (The gnomes look sad and Mabel smiles) 

A few people smiled in relief knowing that Mabel was safe, meanwhile, Mabel groaned as she flopped her head onto Dipper’s shoulder as she remembered what comes next. 

Because we’re gonna kidnap you. 

Shocked gasps filled the theatre while Susan and Matthew shared a terrified look. 

Mabel: Huh? 

Jeff: (Yells and jumps at her) 

Mabel: (Screams) 

Cut to Dipper driving through the woods. 

Dipper: Don’t worry, Mabel! I’ll save you from that zombie!

A few people chuckled at that. 

Mabel: (Off-screen) Help!

Dipper: Hold on!

Cut to the gnomes trying to pin down Mabel. 

Jeff: The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody! Just, ha ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!

Susan and Matthew stared worriedly at the screen. 

Mabel: (With Steve biting her sweater arm) Let go of me! (Punches Steve off) 

Steve: (Bounces around, then stand upright and pukes a rainbow) 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: What the heck is going on here?!

Gnome: (Hisses at him) 

Mabel: Dipper! Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they’re total jerks! (As a gnome pulls her hair) Hair! Hair! Hair!

A few people winced in sympathy. 

Dipper: Gnomes? Huh, I was way off. (Takes the Journal out of his vest and reads the relevant page aloud) “Gnomes: little men of Gravity Falls Forest. Weaknesses: Unknown.” 

A couple of people frowned worriedly at this. 

(When Dipper lowers the book, he sees that the gnomes have managed to tie Mabel to the ground) 

Mabel: Aw, come on!

Dipper: (Walks up to Jeff) Hey HEY! Let go of my sister!

Jeff: Oh! Ha ha, hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister’s not in danger. She’s just marrying all one thousand of u and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn’t that right, honey? 

“Yes because that doesn’t sound crazy at all” Allen Thorn, Gabriel’s older brother, said sarcastically. 

Mabel: You guys are butt-faces!

A few people chuckled at this. 

Gnome: (Covers her mouth) 

Mabel: Mmmm-MMMMM!

Dipper: (Holds u the shovel he brought, pointing ut at Jeff) Give her bac right now, or else!

Stan smiled proudly at the scene, Dipper really was a tough cookie. 

Jeff: You think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we’re capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race. 

Ford frowned worriedly, the gnomes may seem unassuming but they could be very dangerous when banded together. 

Do not trifle with the- 

Dipper: (Casually tosses him away with the shovel) 

Everyone burst out laughing at this, none louder then Dipper and Mabel. 

Jeff: AH! 

Dipper: (Cuts Mabel free with the shovel) 

Mabel: Yah! (Kicks gnomes away; Dipper and Mabel get in the cart) 

Jeff: He’s getting away with our queen! No, no, no!

Dipper: Seatbelt. 

A few people chuckled at this. 

(Mabel buckles, he backs up and then he drives away) 

Jeff: You’ve messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest: ASSEMBLE! (Various gnomes come out and stack up) 

Ford bit his lip worriedly, this is exactly what he had been worried about. 

Mabel: Hurry, before they come after us!

Dipper: I wouldn’t worry about it. See their little legs? Those suckers are tiny! (Stops the cart as he hears a stomping sound; a giant gnome stops at the cart)

“The giant monster from earlier was a bunch of gnomes?” Someone cried out in disbelief. 

Mabel: Dang. 

Jeff: (On the top, using gnomes' hats like levers) All right, teamwork, guys. Like we practised. (Gnomes growl) 

Mabel: Move, MOVE!

Dipper: (Drives the cart away just as the gnomes smash their arm down and it breaks) 

A few people gassed worriedly, their fear for Mabel and Dipper returned with a vengeance. 

Gnomes: (Run frantically back into position and they chase the kids again)

Jeff: Come back with our queen!

Mabel: It’s getting closer!

Giant Gnome: (Throws several gnomes at the cart) 

Gnomes: (Chews cart and cause havoc)

Gnome: (Hanging from the side of cart) Ha ha!

Mabel elbow punches a gnome off. 

“Yes, violence” Stan cheered to distract himself from his worry. 

Schmebulock jumps up behind Dipper, who grabs him and slams him into the steering wheel out of annoyance. 

“Damn” Gabriel muttered slightly impressed. 

Shmebulock: Shmebulock… (Falls out of the cart) 

Gnome: (Jumps onto the cart and claws Dipper’s face) 

A few people winced while Dipper just rubbed his face at the reminder.

Mabel: I’ll save you, Dipper! (Repeatedly punches the gnome off of Dipper’s face and the gnome falls off with Dipper’s hat) 

Dipper: (Dazed from the punches) Thanks, Mabel… 

Dipper chuckled as he bumped his elbow into Mabel’s side who just grinned. 

Mabel: Don’t mention it. 

Gnome Giant: (Picks up a tree and throws it) 

Susan and Matthew gasped worriedly. 

Mabel: Look out!

Dipper and Mabel: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

The cart overturns, landing next to the Mystery Shack. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Crawl out of the cart) 

Gnomes: (Approaches) 

Dipper: (To the gnomes:) Stay back, man! (Throws the shovel at the gnome giant) 

Gnomes: (Punches shovel in mid-air) 

Mabel and Dipper narrowed their eyes as they noticed something in the background. 

“Is that Blendin?” Dipper asked as he turned to look at Mabel who shared his baffled look, what the heck was he doing there? 

Dipper and Mabel: (Grab each other) Aaahhh!

Susan and Matthew grab onto each other worriedly. 

Dipper: Uh, where’s Grunkle Stan?!

Cut to Stan in the shack with some tourists. 

Stan: (Holding up a swirly pattern on a stick) Behold! The world’s most distracting object. 

Tourists: Oooh… 

Stan: Just try to look away, you can’t! I can’t even remember what I was talking about. 

Stan groaned and buried his face into his hands while a few people chuckled. Susan and Matthew just glared at him for not protecting their babies. 

Jeff: It’s the end of the line, kids! Mabel, marry us before we do something crazy!

Dipper: There’s gotta be a way out of this!

Mabel: I gotta do it. 

Susan made an ungodly shrieking noise-making everyone in the theatre wince. 

Dipper: What?! Mabel, don’t do this! Are you crazy? 

Mabel: Trust me. 

Dipper smiled softly as he pulled Mabel into a one-armed hug. 

Dipper: What? 

Mabel: Dipper, just this once. Trust me!

Dipper: (Glances at gnomes, then Mabel, then backs away) 

“Thanks, Dipper” Mabel said softly to which Dipper just grinned. 

Mabel: All right, Jeff. I’ll marry you.

Jeff: Hot dog! Help me down there, Jason! (Climbing down to her) Thank, Andy! All right, left foot, there we go, watch those fingers, Mike. (Approaches Mabel and holds out diamond ring) Eh? Eh? 

“Where did they get a diamond ring?” Hillary questioned. 

“Probably stole it” Dipper muttered earning him a chuckle from Mabel. 

Mabel: (Holds out hand) 

Jeff: (Puts the ring on her hand) Bada-bing, bada-bam! Now let’s get you back into the forest, honey!

Mabel: You may now kiss the bride!

Jeff: Well, don’t if I do. (Leans up to kiss Mabel) 

Mabel: (Leans out to kiss Jeff, then takes out leaf blower) 

Everyone’s eyes widened in surprise before they started cheering as they realized Mabel’s plan. 

Jeff: Ah! Hey, hey, wait a minute! Whoa, whoa! Wh-what’s goin’ on?! (Gets sucked half-way into leaf-blower) 

Mabel: That’s for lying to me! (Increases the sucking power) THAT’S for breaking my heart!

The cheering increased. 

Jeff: (Slowly getting sucked in further) Ow! My face!

Mabel: And THIS is for messing with my brother!

Dipper and Mabel share a soft smile, they would always have each other’s backs. 

(Aims; to Dipper) Wanna do the honours?

Dipper: On three!

Dipper and Mabel: One, two, three! (Blast Jeff towards the gnome monster) 

Gnome Giant: (Explodes into separate gnomes) 

Everyone cheered once more while Ford smiled at the screen, so this is how the twins discovered the gnomes weakness.

Jeff: (Flying off into the distance) I’ll get you back for this!... (Other gnomes scream when they fall) 

Gnome: Who’s giving orders? I need orders!

“Take out the head and the body falls apart” Emilia mused in amusement. 

Gnome 2: My arms are tired. 

Dipper: (While Mabel moves the leaf blower back ad forth, blowing gnomes away) Anyone else want some? 

Gnomes: (Runs off on all fours; one gets caught in a six-pack holder) 

Gompers: (Picks the six-pack holder up and runs off) Blah-ah-ah.

“Gompers strikes again” Mabel giggle and Dipper chuckled in amusement. 

Gnome in the six-pack holder: (In the background) Aaaaahhhhh!

A few people chuckled at this. 

Mabel: Hey, Dipper? I, um… I’m sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me. 

Dipper: Oh, don’t be like that. You saved our butts back there.

Mabel: I guess I’m just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes. 

Dipper: Look on the bright side. Maybe the next one will be a vampire!

“Ah if only” Mabel said dramatically earning her a snicker from Dipper. 

Mabel: Oh, you’re just saying that!

Dipper: Awkward sibling hug?

Mabel: Awkward sibling hug. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Hug and pat each other) Pat, pat. 

A few people chuckled while others cooed at the cute sight. 

The two walk into the Mystery Shack. 

Stan: Yeesh. You two get hit by a bus or something? Ahah!

Susan and Matthew glared at Stan once again, their babies had been in danger and all he could do was make jokes!

Dipper and Mabel: (Begin to walk away) 

Stan: Uh, hey! W-wouldn’t you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh… how’s about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y’know. 

Dipper and Mabel shot Stan warm smiles which he returned. 

Mabel: Really?

Dipper: (Folds arms) What’s the catch? 

“So suspicious” Stan huffed as he rolled his eyes fondly. 

Stan: The catch is do it before I change my mind, now take something. 

“You big softie” Ford snickered and Stan just huffed and rolled his eyes. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Look around at items) 

Dipper: (Picks up a blue pine tree hat from one of the shelves and looks in a mirror) Hmm. That oughta do the trick!

Dipper smiled softly he really did miss his pine tree hat, he briefly ran his fingers over his bare head. He hadn’t been wearing Wendy’s hat when he had appeared here so it was kinda weird being around so many people without his hat. 

Mabel: And I will have a… (Grabs item from box, hides it, and twirls around) GRAPPLING HOOK! Yes!

Matthew and Susan scowled, they did not like the idea of Mabel having such a dangerous object. 

Stan: (To Dipper) Wouldn’t she rather have, like, a doll, or something? 

Mabel: (Fires the grappling hook at the ceiling; it catches and pulls her up) GRAPPLING HOOK!

Stan: Fair enough!

A few people chuckled while Matthew and Susan continued to scowl at the screen. 

Cut to Mabel and Dipper’s bedroom. Dipper is writing while Mabel jumps on her bed, laughing. 

Dipper: (Writing in Journal while narrating) This Journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust. (Looking at Mabel) But when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they’ve probably always got your back.

“Always bro-bro” Mabel said cheerfully earning her a warm smile from Dipper.

Mabel: (Shoots grappling hook, then reels it back with a stuffed animal attached) 

Dipper: Hey, Mabel, could you get the light?

Mabel: I’m on it!

“That seems like a terrible idea” Willow commented. 

(Knocks light out the window with the grappling hook) It works!

A few people chuckled while Stan just shook his head, the number of times he had to replace that window was ridiculous. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Laugh) 

Mabel: Grappling hook… 

Dipper: (Narrating) Our uncle told us there was nothing strange about this town. But who knows what other secrets are waiting to be unlocked. 

Cut to the Mystery Shack exterior. Stan walks in holding a lantern. He goes into the gift shop and puts a code into the vending machine. The machine opens, and Stan walks inside, looking side-to-side before closing it behind him. 

Almost everyone shot Stan curious looks. 

End credits: Steve pukes a rainbow for several seconds. 

“Hey what’s was that at the end? It looked like a bunch of jumbled letters?” Mabel asked curiously and Dipper hummed thoughtfully. 

“It looked like a code” He said intrigued, which peaked a few people interests. 

“I wonder what it means?” Emilia questioned curiously, she had always had a deep fascination with codes it was one of the reasons why she was Dipper’s favourite teacher. 

“Why don’t you find out” The mysterious voice said in amusement as a blank notebook appeared on Dipper, Ford and Emilia’s laps alongside a pen each.

“I have written out the code and the cipher used, all you gotta do is crack it” The voice said and the three nerds instantly became intrigued. 

“At the end of each episode, I will put the codes into the book as well as the ciphers needed to crack them” The voice once again revealed before going silent. 

Emilia grinned eagerly as she moved so that she could sit closer to Ford and Dipper so that they could work on it together, Alice just chuckled as she followed after her excited wife. As the three of them got started on the code the next episode began to play. 

Chapter Text

The episode opens with Dipper and Mabel at a table during breakfast. 

Mabel: (Holding Sir Syrup) Are you ready for the ultimate challenge? 

Dipper: (Holding Mountie Man) I’m always ready!

A few people chuckled at this while Dipper blushed and focused on cracking the code, it seemed to be pretty easy. 

Mabel: Then you know what this means!

The camera zooms out to show Mabel and Dipper holding their respective syrup bottles. 

Dipper and Mabel: Syrup race! (Tilt syrup bottles back and start to drip syrup into their mouths) Ahhh!

Everyone laughed at this. 

Mabel: Go, Sir Syrup!

Dipper: Go, Mountie Man!

Dipper and Mabel: Go! Go!

Dipper: Go! Go!

Mabel: Almost… almost… (Taps the bottom of her bottle and the syrup drips onto her tongue) Yes! (Coughs) I won! (Coughs) 

“Cheater” Dipper said teasingly as he bumped his elbow into Mabel’s side who just grinned unabashedly. 

Dipper: (Picks up and reads newspaper) Ho ho, no way! Hey Mabel, check this out. 

Mabel: (Looking at an ad in the newspaper) Human-sized hamster balls? (Gasps) I’m human-sized! 

Everyone chuckled at this only to be interrupted by disappointed groans from the trio cracking the code. 

“What’s wrong?” Mabel asked and Dipper sighed as he flopped the notebook down on his lap. 

“It just says Welcome to Gravity Falls” He said and a few people groaned in disappointment, they had kinda hoped it would have been something cool. 

Dipper: No, no, Mabel. This. (Points to a monster photo contest ad) We see weirder stuff than that every day! We didn’t get any photos of those gnomes, did we? 

“I think you were to busy trying to stay alive to get any pictures” Allen quipped and the twins snorted in agreement/amusement. Meanwhile, their parents frowned at the reminder at how close they had been to getting hurt. 

Mabel: Nope, just memories. And this beard hair. (Holds up beard hair) 

“Why did you save that?” Hillary questioned in disgust and Mabel just shrugged. 

Dipper: Why did you save that? 

Hillary huffed, though there was a faint smile playing at her lips, while a few people snickered at the coincidence. 

Mabel: (Shrugs and makes an “I dunno” sound) 

Stan: Good morning, knuckleheads. You two know what day it is? 

Dipper: Um… Happy anniversary? 

Mabel: Mazel tov !

Stan: (Hits Dipper’s head with a newspaper) 

Susan and Matthew scowled at the sight. 

It’s Family Fun Day, genius! (Walks over to the fridge and gets out milk) We’re cuttin’ off work and having one of those, you know, (Sniffs milk in the refrigerator) bonding-type deals. 

Dipper: Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our last family bonding day? 

Flashback to Dipper and Mabel helping Grunkle Stan make counterfeit money. 

“What the hell do you think you're doing?!” Susan shrieked as she sprung back up and everyone winced at the volume, Stan chuckled sheepishly as Susan and Matthew glared harshly at him. Thankfully Susan was forced back into her seat before she could do anything. 

Stan: You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! (Hears police sirens) Uh-Oh. 

Cut to present. 

Mabel: (Shudders) The county jail was so cold. 

The twins shuddered while their mother sobbed over the fact that her babies had a criminal record. 

Stan: All right, maybe I haven’t been the best summer caretaker. 

“Understatement” Matthew grumbled angrily to himself. 

But I swear, today we’re gonna have some real family fun. Now, who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?

Almost everyone shot Stan creeped outlooks while he just chuckled. 

Dipper and Mabel: YAY!

Dipper: Wait, what? 

Cut to the theme song. 

Cut to a road in the forest. Grunkle Stan is driving his car with Dipper and Mabel blindfolded in the backseat. 

“You're actually wearing blindfolds” Willow commented worriedly. 

Stan leans down to adjust the radio and the tires screech. 

Dipper: Whoa whoa!

“You are such a terrible driver” Dipper muttered as he shook his head and Mabel giggled in agreement. 

(Sigh) Blindfolds never lead to anything good. 

Mabel: Wow! I feel like all my other senses are heightened. I can see with my fingers! (Touches Dipper’s face, making him laugh) 

A few people laughed at this. 

Car jumps, making the twins fly into the doors. 

Susan and Matthew scowled at Stan. 

Dipper: Whoa! Grunkle Stan, are you wearing a blindfold?

Stan: Haha. Nah, but with these cataracts, I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? (Drives through a wooden guardrail, making the twins scream)

“That is incredibly unsafe” Charles remarked while the twin's parents scowls grew. 

Cut to the lake. Dipper and Mabel, still blindfolded, are standing in front of the parked car, which now had branches and sticks caught in the grill. 

Stan: Okay, okay. Open ‘em up!

Dipper and Mabel: (Take blindfolds off) 

Stan: Ta-da! It’s fishin’ season!

Mabel: Fishing?

Dipper: What’re you playin’ at, old man?

Stan huffed and rolled his eyes fondly, Dipper was always so sceptical of everything. 

Stan: You’re gonna love it! The whole town’s out here!

The camera pans across the lake showing various townspeople doing different fishing activities. 

Lazy Susan: (Waving pan) Here, fishy fishies! Get into the pan!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Toby Determined: (Taking picture of a man with large fish) Say cheese! (Takes picture, the flash causing the man to fall backwards into the lake)

Marcus: (To his father Manly Dan) Uh, is this good? (Holds up a fishing pole)

Manly Dan: NO! (Takes the pole and breaks it in half) I’ll show you how a real man fishes! (Grabs a fish straight out of the water)

“Impressive” Horace Thorn, Gabriel’s father, remarked and a few people nodded in agreement.

Haha hahaha! (Throws fish on the floor of their boat and jumps on it, he punches it repeatedly) 

“That’s a bit overkill” Allen muttered to himself. 

Marcus, Kevin, and Gus: (Chanting) Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! 

Tyler Cutebiker: (To Manly Dan) Get ‘em! Get ‘em!

Cut back to the Pines. 

Stan: That’s some quality family bonding!

Dipper: Grunkle Stan, why do you wanna bond with us all of a sudden? 

Dipper and Mabel shared a look when they saw the brief sad expression that had appeared on their Grunkle’s face, all he had wanted to do was spend time with them and they were so quick to ditch him. 

Stan: Come on, this is gonna be great! I’ve never had fishing buddies before. The guys from the lodge won’t go with me: they don’t “like” or “trust” me. 

Ford placed a comforting hand on Stan’s shoulder but he just shook his head, he didn't care about those old fossils anyways. 

Mabel: (Quietly, to Dipper) I think he actually wants to fish with us. 

Stan: Hey, I know what’ll cheer you sad sacks up. (Slaps hats on Dipper and Mabel) Pow! Pines family fishing hats! That-that’s hand stitching, you know. 

Dipper and Mabel smiled softly at the sight. 

The “L” on the “Mabel” hat peels off. 

Stan: It’s just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for ten hours!

A couple of teenagers shuddered at the idea. 

Dipper: Ten hours? 

Stan: I brought the joke book! (Holds up 1001 Yuk ‘Em Ups) 

Dipper: No! NO! 

Mabel: There has to be a way out of this. 

Dipper and Mabel sighed, they hadn't even given it a try. 

Old Man McGucket: (Offscreen) I SEEN IT! I SEEN IT AGAIN! (Runs from dock, crashing into and overturning various things) 

Dipper’s and Mabel’s eyes narrowed slightly. 

“There’s Blendin again” Dipper muttered. 

“What was he doing there?” Mabel questioned and all Dipper could do was shrug. 

The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker! Come quick before it scrabdoodles away!

“Is scrabdoodles even a real word?” Julian Rose questioned as he turned to look at his wife who sighed in exasperation and shook her head. 

(Dances frantically) Eh, eh, haha hoo, (Slaps himself) Ah, hee-hee… 

Ford frowned sadly at the sight of his friend, that memory erasure had truly done a number on him. 

Mabel: Awww… He’s doing a happy jig!

McGucket: (To Mabel) NOOO! It’s a jig of grave danger!

“Is that even a thing?” Alice questioned, baffled. 

Tate McGucket: (Comes out and sprays Old Man McGucket with a spray bottle) Hey, hey! Now  what did I tell you about scaring my customers? This is your last warning, Dad!

Ford’s frown deepened as he saw the divide between Fiddleford and his son. 

“That’s no way to treat your father” Willow huffed disapprovingly earning a few grumbles of agreement. 

McGucket: But I got proof this time, by gummity!

Cut to dock

McGucket: (Points at boat) BEHOLD! It’s the gobble-dy-wonker what done did it!

Hannah Andrews, the English teacher at the twin's school, shuddered at the awful grammar. 

It had a long neck like a gee-raffe! And wrinkly skin like… like this gentleman  right here! (Points to Stan) 

Almost everyone chuckled while Stan huffed unimpressed. 

Stan: (Picking his ear) Huh?

Stan groaned while everyone's else's laughter increased. 

McGucket: It chawed my boat up to smitheroons, and shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island! YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!

Sheriff Blubs: Attention all units! We got ourselves a crazy old man!

Everyone but the Pines and the ranger point and laugh at Old Man McGucket. 

A few people frowned disapprovingly. 

Tate McGucket: (Shakes head in shame) 

McGucket: (Walking off) Aww, donkey spittle! Aw, banjo polish!

“Poor old man” Lucy Quill, one of Hillary’s friends, said sadly and Heather scoffed. 

“He’s clearly crazy you shouldn’t waste your time pitying him, right Hillary?” She promoted smugly but Hillary just sided eyed her and made a noncommittal hum before returning her focus to the screen. 

Stan: Well, that happened. Now let’s untie this boat and get out on that lake! (Steps into his rowboat and starts untying it from the dock) 

Ford felt his heart clench slightly when he saw what the boat was called. 

Dipper: Mbale, did you hear what that old dude said? 

Mabel: (Mimicking Old Man McGucket) “Aww, donkey shpittle!” 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: The other thing. About the monster. If we can snag a photo of it, we can split the prize fifty-fifty. 

“You better not be thinking about doing what I think you are young man” Susan said sternly and Dipper simply shrugged. 

“Technically I'm not since this already happened” He replied and a scowl appeared on his mother's face while a few people snickered. 

Mabel: (Gasps) That’s two fifties!

Dipper: Imagine what you could do with five. Hundred. Dollars!

A few people grinned to themselves as they imagined what they would do with that kind of money. 

Cut to Mabel’s imagination. She is inside a human-sized hamster ball in front of a hamster in a smaller hamster ball. 

Almost everyone burst out laughing at the sight. 

Mabel: (To hamster) Not so high and mighty anymore! 

“And you call me a dork” Dipper said teasingly and Mabel huffed before she pushed him over which just made him laugh some more. 

Hamster: Aww…

Mabel: (Rolling back and forth) Aha haha haha. (Continues to giggle and crashes through the wall and rolls out onto the street and meets Xyler and Craz) 

“Is that Xyler and Craz?! I love them!” Lucy gushed and Mabel grinned as she turned around to face the girl. 

“Aren’t they dreamy?” She gushed and Lucy nodded eagerly in agreement. Heather scoffed and rolled her eyes while Hillary glanced between Lucy and Mabel with an unreadable look in her eyes. 

Hey, boys! You can look, but ya can’t touch. (When the light turns green, Mabel scurries down the street in her ball) Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak!

Xyler and Craz: Awesome! 

Cut Back to reality

Dipper: (Snapping fingers) Mabel! Mabel? 

Mabel: Dipper, I am one million percent on board with this!

Dipper: Grunkle Stan! Change of plans: we’re taking that boat to scuttlebutt island, and we’re gonna find that Gobblewonker!

“You two will do no such thing!” Matthew shouted and the twins shared a confused look. 

“He does know we’ve already done all of this right?” Dipper asked and Mabel just shrugged. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Cheering) Monster hunt! Monster hunt!

McGucket: (Joining the chant) Monster hunt!

Dipper and Mabel stop chanting and stare at McGucket. 

“Why’d you stop?” Abigail asked and the twins simply shrugged. 

“We were kinda surprised he joined in and we didn’t know how to react” Mabel revealed and a few people nodded in understanding. 

McGucket: Monster… Eh… I’ll go. 

A large honking is heard.

Soos: (Pulls up in his boat) You dudes say somethin’ about a monster hunt? 

Mabel: Soos!

Soos: Wassup, hambone! (Soos and Mabel fist bump and make explosion noises) Dude, you could totally use my boat for your hunt. It’s got a steering wheel, chairs; normal boat stuff. 

“What perfect timing” Gillen huffed in amusement. 

Stan: All right, all right, let’s think this through. Ya kids could go waste your time on some epic monster-finding adventure, or you could spend the day learning how to tie knots and skewer worms with your Great Uncle Stan! 

“I think the choice is pretty obvious” Gabriel huffed in amusement, meanwhile the twins squirmed guiltily to themselves. 

The twins look at Soos in his boat; he does a robot dance. They look back at Stan in his leaky old boat; he sniffs his left armpit. 

A few people scrunched up their noses in disgust. 

They look at Scuttlebutt Island in the distance, They grin at each other. 

Stan: So, whaddaya say? 

The twins drive off laughing with Soos in his boat toward Scuttlebutt Island, leaving Stan behind. 

Mabel: We made the right choice!

Soos: Yes!

Stan frowned and the guilt became too much for the twins to handle. 

“We’re so sorry Grunkle Stan, we shouldn’t have ditched you like that” Dipper apologised and Mabel nodded in agreement. 

“That money was just so tempting” Mabel mumbled apologetically, Stan chuckled in amusement as he got up and sat in between the twins so that he could wrap his arms around the two of them. 

“Don’t you worry about it kids I already forgave ya, besides I can’t really blame you for desiring so much money you are my great-niece and nephew after all” He said warmly and the twins grinned as they snuggled further into his sides. 

A few people awed at the cute sight while the twin's parents watched on unhappily. 

Stan: Ingrates! Aw, who needs ‘em? I got a whole box of creepy fishing lures to keep me company. (After a moment of looking at the lure with flies buzzing around them, Stan cringes in disgust and closes the box)

Cut to S.S. Cool Dude, headed for the island. Dipper stands on the stern of the boat, with one foot on the guardrail. He adjusts the visor of his cap. 

“Dipper you shouldn’t be standing so close to the edge, what if you fell!” Susan scolded and Dipper just hummed uncaringly. 

Dipper: (Turns around) Hoist the anchor!

“How were you moving if the anchor hadn't been hoisted?” Horace questioned and the twins shared a look before shrugging. 

Soos: (Pulls up cinder block anchor) 

Dipper: Raise the flag!

Mabel: (Holds up beach towel) We’re gonna find that Gobblewonker!

Dipper: We’re gonna win that photo contest!

Soos: Do any of you dudes have sunscreen?

Dipper: We’re gonna… go get sunscreen!

A few people chuckled at this. 

Mabel and Soos: Yay!

The boat does a U-turn away from the island. Underwater, a strange shape swims by. 

Almost everyone tensed up worriedly. 

Cut to black for a commercial break. 

The scene begins with Dipper pacing on the boat in front of Mabel and Soos. 

Dipper: Alright. If we wanna win this contest, we’ve gotta do it right! Think. What’s the number one problem with most monster hunts? 

“The damsel in distress that constantly needs saving?” Gabriel guessed which earned him an elbow to the side from Hillary. 

Soos: You’re a side character, then you die within the first five minutes of the movie. Dude, am I a side character?! Do y’ever think about stuff like that? 

“You know I could’ve gone without the existential crisis” Allen drawled and a few people nodded in agreement. 

Dipper: No, no, no. Camera trouble! Say Bigfoot shows up. Soos, be Bigfoot? 

Soos: (Strikes a Bigfoot pose) 

“Why did I never think of having him pose as Bigfoot?” Stan exclaimed in disbelief much to almost everyone else's amusement. 

Dipper: (In mock acting voice) There he is! Bigfoot! (Pats life vest) Uh-oh. No camera! (Pulls camera out of jacket) Oh, wait, here’s one! Aw, no film! (In normal voice) You see? You see what I'm doing here? 

“He’s got a point” Sally remarked and almost everyone nodded in agreement. 

Soos: Oh, yeah. Dude's got a point. 

Dipper: That’s why I bought seventeen disposable cameras! (Revealing  cameras as he lists off their locations) Two on my ankle, three in my jacket, four for each of you, three extras in this bag, and one… under my hat! There’s no way we’re gonna miss this. 

“You are very prepared” Ford said, impressed and Dipper puffed his chest out proudly. 

Okay everybody, let’s test our cameras out!

Soos: (Takes a picture of himself, the flash startling him) Aw, dude! (Throws the camera overboard) 

A few people wince. 

Dipper: You see? This is exactly why you need backup cameras. We still have sixteen!

Mabel: (Throws a camera at a seagull flying over her head) Ah, bird!

Mabel laughed sheepishly while Dipper pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation, he had forgotten just how frustrated he had been over the cameras. 

Dipper: Fifteen! Okay, guys, I repeat; don’t lose your cameras!

Soos: Wait, lose the cameras?

Dipper: DON’T!

Soos: Dude, I just threw two away.

“Maybe you should have held onto all of the cameras” Emilia said and Dipper just sighed as he slumped into his seat. 

Dipper: Thirteen! All right! We still have thirteen camera- (He accidentally crushes on with his fist) 

“How did you do that?” Gabriel questioned in surprise as he stared at Dipper who just shrugged. 

“It was a pretty cheap camera” He replied casually but almost everyone continued to stare at him baffled, even the cheapest of cameras couldn’t be crushed so easily. Especially by someone who looked like a twig. 

Twelve. We have twelve cameras. 

Mabel: So what’s the plan? Throw more cameras overboard or what?

Dipper: NO!

“Poor Dipper, those two are going to give him a heart attack” Alice mused sympathetically. 

No. Okay. You’ll be lookout, Soos can work the steering wheel, and I’ll be captain. 

Mabel: What? Why do you get to be captain? What about Mabel, huh? (Chanting) Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel! Ma-bel! 

“You have amazing patience” Hillary remarked and Dipper snorted in agreement.

Dipper: I’m not sure that’s a good idea. 

Mabel: What about co-captain?

Dipper: There’s no such thing as co-captain. 

Mabel: Aw, whoops. (Tosses a camera into the water) 

Dipper shot Mabel an annoyed look while Stan chuckled and ruffled her hair. 

“That's my girl” He said cheerfully and while Mabel grinned brightly her parents shot Stan annoyed looks. 

Dipper: Okay, fine! You can be co-captain. 

Soos: Can I be associate co-captain? 

Mabel: As co-captain, I authorize that request. 

Dipper: Well, as first co-captain, our number one order of business is to lure the monster out with this. (Gestures at a barrel of Fish Food) 

Soos: Permission to taste some? 

A few people scrunch their noses up in disgust. 

Dipper: Granted. 

Mabel: Permission co-granted. 

Soos: Permission associate co-granted. (Licks some, then gags and wipes his tongue, coughing) Dude, I don’t know what I expected that to taste like!

Dipper and Mabel: (Laughing)

Almost everyone laughed alongside the twins. 

Dipper: Oh, Soos…

Stan: (Watching them)

“You were watching us?” Mabel asked and Stan coughed into his fist embarrassed. 

Traitors! Ah, I’ll find my own fishing buddies! (Looks around and sees a couple sitting in a boat up ahead) Ah! (Starts his boat’s engine) There’s my new pals!

Reginald: (Turned away from Rosanna, looking at a ring in a box; he takes a breath) Now that we’re alone, Rosanna, there’s a burning question which my heart longs to ask you. 

Rosanna: (Tearing up) Oh, Reginald!

A few people awed while Stan covered his mouth in shock as he remembered what he was about to do. 

Stan: Hey! (Pulls his boat up to theirs) Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me… but her aim is gettin’ better! (Pause) Her aim is gettin’ better (Pause) Y’see, it’s-it’s funny because marriage is terrible. 

A few people shot Stan annoyed looks and all he could do was chuckle sheepishly. 

Reginald and Rosanna: (Row their boat away) 

Stan: What? 

Cut to S.S. Cool Dude approaching Scuttlebutt Island. There is fog everywhere. Soos is at the back of the boat shoeveing fish food over the side. Dipper and Mabel are at the front. Dipper is trying to see through the fog while Mabel is playing ventriloquist with a pelican. 

Mabel: Hey! How’s it going? (As pelican) It’s going awesome! Bow bow, buh bow bow!

“That poor bird” Margret Howard, the local vet, mused sadly. 

Dipper: Mabel, leave that thing alone. 

Mabel: (As pelican) Aw, I don’t mind none! (As Mabel) Hey, look, I’m drinking water! (As pelican while drinking water) Twinkle, twinkle little… (Chokes on water and coughs, and the pelican flies away) 

Dipper: Aren’t you supposed to be doing lookout? 

Mabel: Look out! (Throws a volleyball at Dipper, hitting him on the arm) 

Dipper: (Holds arm and shivers) 

“Did that actually hurt?” Heather questioned in disbelief and Dipper shrugged sheepishly. 

“She throws hard” He explained which earned him a scoff from Heather. 

Mabel: Heh, heh. But seriously, I’m on it. 

The boat jolts to a sudden stop having crashed into the shore of the island. 

Mabel: See? We’re here! I’m a lookout genius! Hamster ball, here we come!

A few people chuckled at this while Dipper just rolled his eyes fondly. 

The trio disembarks and ventures into the foggy woods. Dipper leads the group while carrying a lantern. They soon come to a large sign nailed to a tree that says “Scuttlebutt  Island.” Soos and Mabel stop in front of it. 

Soos: Dude, check it out. (Covers the “Scuttle” part of the sign) Butt Island. 

A few people rolled their eyes at the immature display while others chuckled. 

Mabel: Soos, you rapscallion! (To Dipper) Hey! Why aren’t you laughing? Are you scared? 

Dipper: Pssh! Yeah, right! I’m not-

“Ha! What a wimp!” Gabriel mocked only to frown when Dipper didn’t even react to his taunt. 

Mabel: (Pokes him on the nose and blows a raspberry) Yeah, you are!

Dipper: Hey! (He drops the lantern as Mabel continues poking and blowing raspberries) Quit…! Stop! Mabel!

There’s a growling noise in the distance. Mabel stops teasing Dipper and they look around. Soos comes up to them. 

Almost everyone tensed worriedly. 

Soos: Dude, did you guys hear that? 

Mabel: What was that? Was it your stomach? 

Soos: Nah, my stomach normally sounds like whale noises. 

Mabel: (Listen to Soos’ stomach, which makes whale noises) 

“Huh, neat” Gillen remarked casually. 

Wow. So majestic. 

Possum: (Grab's lantern and runs away) 

Dipper: (Gasps) Our lantern! Aww! I can’t see anything!

Soos: Duuude, I dunno, man. Maybe this, uh… Maybe this isn’t worth it.

Dipper: Not worth it? Guys, imagine what would happen if we got that picture!

Cut to Dipper’s imagination, where he is dressed like Indiana Jones being interviewed on a talk show. 

Dipper covered his face in embarrassment while a few people laughed, none louder then Stan and Mabel. 

Charlie: Tonight we’re here with adventure seeker Dipper Pines, who bravely photographed the elusive Gobblewonker! Tell me, Dipper: what’s the secret to your success? 

Dipper: Well, I run away from nothing. (Dumps coffee into mouth; an embarrassing picture of Grunkle Stan appears on screen) Nothing, except for when I ran away from my annoying Frunkle Stan, who I ditched in order to pursue that lake monster. 

Dipper winced guiltily and Stan rolled his eyes before he ruffled his hair, the kid needed to stop feeling so guilty. 

Charlie: How right you were to do so. He looked like a real piece of work. I don’t often do this, but I feel the need to give you an award! (Gives him a medal and they get their picture taken) 

Mabel: (Crashes through the wall in a hamster ball) CHARLIE! WHY WON’T YOU INTERVIEW ME?! (Chases after Dipper and Charlie, screaming like a maniac) 

Almost everyone burst out laughing at this. 

Cut back to real life. 

Dipper: (Smiles) I’m in!

Mabel: Me, too!

Dipper and Mabe: (Runoff) 

Susan and Matthew frowned disapprovingly at their reckless behaviour.

Soos: All right, dudes, I’m comin’! (Chases them) 

Soos: (Beatboxing) 

Mabel: My name is Mabel! It rhymes with table! It also rhymes with… glable! It also rhymes with… shmabel!

“That’s not how rhyming works” Justin Hughs, the music teacher at the twin's school, groaned to himself. Gillen just chuckled and patted his husband's back sympathetically. 

Soos: Dude, we should be writing this down. 

Dipper: (Holding a camera) Guys, guys, guys! You hear something? 

The growling noise from earlier can be heard; a flock of birds flies overhead, away from the sound. 

A few people tensed back up while Susan and Matthew clasped hands worriedly. 

Dipper: This is it! This is it!

Dipper and Mabel: (Punching each other excitedly and walking towards the sound) Yes yes yes! Hoo hoo hoo!

“You two are far too excited” Willow said worriedly. 

Soos: (Grabs a stick and follows then into the fog)

Stan and Ford smiled at the scene, it was very reassuring knowing that Soos was always there to protect the twins. 

Walking through the fog, Soos stops the group when he spots a lake monster silhouette. The group ducks behind a log. 

A few people sat up straight in anticipation while others heart rates skyrocketed in worry. 

Dipper: Everyone: Get your cameras ready!

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos: (Turn cameras on) 

Dipper: Ready? GO!

Soos yells and jumps over the log, holding his camera in front of him as he runs towards the silhouette, snapping photos at random. The twins follow him, but as they get closer they discover the silhouette was the remains of a wrecked boat with beavers living on it. 

A few people slumped in disappointment while others let out breaths of relief. 

Beaver 1: (Subtitled) I love cavorting!

Beaver 2: (Subtitled) That deserves a hug! (Hugs Beaver 1) 

Beaver 3: (Thumps tail and walks sideways off the boat) 

A few people cooed at the cute sight. 

Dipper: But… but what was that noise, then? I heard a monster noise!

The “monster” sounds again. It turns out to be a beaver chewing on, and sometimes activating, a rusty old chainsaw. 

“That’s so dangerous!” Margret gasped worriedly. 

Soos: Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw. (Takes picture of it)

A few people snickered at this.  

Dipper: Maybe that old guy was crazy after all. 

Heather shot Lucy an “I told you so” look. 

Mabel: He did use the word “scrapdoodle.” 

Dipper: (Sighs)

Cut to Stan teaching Hank’s son how to thread a line.

Stan: Look, when you’re threadin’ the line-lot of people don’t know this-but you wanna use a barrel knot. (Whispering) That’s a secret from one fishing buddy to another! Heh heh.

A few people gave Stan creeped out looks. 

Hank’s son: Uh, I, uh, who are you, exactly?

Stan: Just call me your GRUNKLE STAN!

“You're being kinda creepy, Grunkle Stan” Mabel remarked and Stan just huffed while Dipper and Ford snickered. 

Hank’s wife: Sir, SIR, SIR! Why are you talking to our son? If you don’t leave right now, I’m calling the police!

Stan: Haha, you see, the thing about that is… (Starts his motor and speeds away) 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Hank’s wife: Go bother your own kids!

Dipper and Mabel winced slightly, Stan rolled his eyes, these two were impossible. 

Cut back to Scuttlebutt Island. 

Soos: (Taking pictures of a beaver posing on a stump) Ooh, yeah! Work it! Work it! Nice! Nice! Gimme another one of those! Yeah, I like that one. 

Almost everyone laughed at this. 

Dipper: What’re we gonna say to Grunkle Stan? We ditched him over nothing. (Throws a stone into the lake and sighs. The rock Dipper is sitting on shakes) Hey… guys, do you feel that? (The rocks sinks under the water and Dipper swims to shore) Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

Almost every one tensed up worriedly. 

The Gobblewonker’s silhouette is seen swimming away. 

“It’s real!” Someone gasped in shock. 

Mabel: Ahhh!

Dipper: This is it! (Takes pictures) Come on! This is our chance! (Soos and Mabel back up) What’s wrong with you guys?

“They have a sense of self-preservation” Hillary drawled and Dipper chuckled as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

Gobblewonker: (Swims back towards the island and begins to rise as the other speak) 

Mabel: Dipper…?

Soos: Dude…?

Dipper: It’s not that hard, all right? All you gotta do is point, and shoot. Like this! (Aims camera at Gobblewonker and realizes it’s right in front of him) 

“Run you, idiot! Run!” Gabriel shouted in alarm, surprising Dipper and Mabel. 

Gobblewonker: (Roars, causing Dipper to drop his camera and the three to run away) 

Soos: Run!

The Gobblewonker pushes a tree over which falls and almost hits Dipper and Mabel, but Dipper lunges and pushes Mabel and they roll out of the way. 

Stan nodded in approval, meanwhile, the twin's parents thought their hearts were going to stop from fear. 

They continue to run and dodge falling trees and eventually catch up with Soos. 

Soos: Get back to the boat! HURRY! (The Gobblewonker snaps at Mabel who hops onto Soos’ back) 

Dipper: (Aims camera at Gobblewonker, but trips over a root, dropping the camera) The picture! (Starts to run towards the camera) 

“Do you have a death wish?!” Gabriel stressed and Dipper gave him a baffled look, why did he care so much? 

  Soos: (Grabs Dipper) 

“Thank god for Soos” Stan muttered to himself as he tightened his hold on Dipper slightly. 

Dude, if it makes you feel any better, I got tons of pictures of those beavers, dude!


A few people let out weak chuckles at this. 

Commercial break

Open with the group running towards the boat. Soos helps the others on, then climbs in himself. Soos’ presence pushes the boat back into the water and he runs towards the helm. 

Soos: Let’s get outta here, dudes! (They start driving away in the boat backwards) 

Dipper: All right! This is it! (Tries to take a picture) Cracked lens?! Soos! Get a photo!

Soos: (Throwing cameras at the monster) 

A few people groaned at this. 


Soos: Oh! I still got one left! Don’t worry, dude! (Throws a camera to Dipper but misses hitting the wall and breaking the camera) 

The Gobblewonker dives into the water and begins to chase the gang. Soos steers the ship forwards and drives away from it. 

Dipper: Go, go, go, go, go!

Cut to Stan on his boat, struggling to tie a knot.

Stan: Er, ugh, gah! Mollycoddling… 

Shipper: (In a boat a few yards away with his sister and Grandpa) Can you pwease tell me mo’e funny stories, Pop Pop?

Pop Pop: Anything for my fishing buddies! (Laughing and pats grandchildren on their heads) 

Stan: (Growls) 

A few people shot Stan sympathetic looks. 

Shmipper: Pop Pop? I just weewized dat… I wuv you.

Stan: Aw, come on! Boo! Boo!

Pop Pop: Hey, now! What’s the big deal? 

Shmipper: Maybe he has no one who wuvs him, Pop Pop.

“Wow” Allen whispered in shock as he and everyone else stared at the screen in shock. 

Stan: Yeah, well, I… I… 

S.S. Cool Dude drives past him and soaks him. He throws his hat to the ground in frustration, then sits down and sighs. 

Dipper and Mabel tightened their hold on Stan. 


Beavers: (Subtitled) We’re still beavers. 

The boat crashes into the old, broken boat and beavers fly everywhere, biting the boat and the crew. 

“Those poor beavers” Margret said sadly and Susan whirled around with a nearly crazed look in her eyes. 

“FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID BEAVERS MARGRET MY BABIES ARE IN DANGER!” She shrieked and everyone leaned away from her in shock/fear. She merely huffed at their reactions before flopping back down into her seat and returning her attention to the screen. 

“Your mom sure gots a set of pipes” Stan remarked and the twins nodded in agreement. 

Soos: Ah, beavers! Oh, no!

Beavers are biting Dipper’s hat. Mabel shakes a beaver off of her arm, and a beaver lunges at Soos, who stumbles away from the wheel. Mabel takes control on the wheel, steering away from the Gobblewonker. Dipper tries to dislodge a beaver from the side of the boat while Soos runs in circles crying in pain from the beaver still on his face. 

Almost everyone winced in sympathy at this. 

Dipper throws beavers towards the Gobblewonker who dives under the water. The S.S. Cool Dude drives through a place with people fishing, who are overturned by the Gobblewonker behind them. 

Cut to Manly Dan and his sons, Dan headlocking a fish and his sons cheering for him. 

Manly Dan: (With a fish) Headlock!

Marcus, Kevin, and Gus: Dad! Dad! Dad!

Their boat is turned over by a wave from the Gobblewonker. Fish start raining down on them. 

Manly Dan: The fishes! They seek revenge! Swim, boys! Swim!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Cut back to the S.S. Cool Dudes. The Gobblewonker swipes at the boat and manages to knock the control cabin off. 

Almost everyone tensed up worriedly while Susan and Matthew practically strangled each other's hands. 

Mabel: Aah! Look out!

Man: (Transporting a glass sheet over the water with Man 2 by boat) Easy… Easy…

“What?” Abigail questioned, baffled while everyone else stared at the screen in confusion. 

The boat drives through it and breaks it. 

Man 2: My glass!

Mabel: (Sees dead-end ahead) WHERE DO I GO?!

A few people let out fearful gasps. 

Dipper: (Looks around. Takes out The Journaland flips through pages) Um… uh… GO INTO THE FALLS! I think there might be a cave behind there!

Mabel: MIGHT BE?!

Almost everyone gripped their arms rests fearfully. 

They all scream and the boat goes through the waterfall and into the cave behind it. Their boat crashes, sending them into the dirt. They all stand up, and turn around to see the Gobblewonker swim in after them and get stuck in the cave entrance. 

“That book is an actual lifesaver” Lillian said in relief and Ford let out a sigh f relief, he was glad that his Journal had been able to save Dipper and Mabel. 

Mabel: It’s stuck!

Dipper: Haha! Yeah! Wait… It’s stuck? (Tries to find a camera but he has none) 

Mabel: (Lifts Dipper’s hat to reveal he still has one last camera) Boop.

“How did it stay up there?” Alice questioned but the only response she got was shrugs. 

Dipper: (Laughs and takes shots of the monster) 

Mabel: Didja get a good one? 

Dipper: THEY’RE ALL GOOD ONES! (Hugs her) 


Almost everyone cheered excitedly at this. 

The Gobblewonker, still roaring, gets hit by a rock. Its head falls down with electrical noise. 

A few people tilted their heads to the side in confusion. 

Dipper: What the…? (Walks up to the Gobblewonker and touches its side) Huh?

Mabel: What’s wrong? 

Dipper steps on the Gobblewonker and knocks it. It makes a hollow metallic sound. 

“It’s a robot?” Someone exclaims in disappointment. 

Dipper climbs up the Gobblewonker. 

Soos: Careful, dude!

Dipper: I’ve got this! Hold on! (Climbs over the Gobblewonker, then pops up from the other side) Hey, guys! Come check this out!

The gang discovers a handle and turns it, causing steam to come out. They open the trapdoor causing more steam to come out. They discover old man Mcgucket inside controlling a machine. 

“So not only is he crazy but he’s also dangerous” Heather sneered disdainfully before she turned to give Lucy a smug look, who ducked her head uncomfortably and Hillary’s eye narrowed. 

“Shut up Heather!” She finally snapped shocking Heather to her core. 

“Wha- but- I-” She stuttered but Hillary just ignored her as she looked at Lucy with a comforting expression on her face. 

“Why don’t you come sit next to me Lucy?” She offered kindly earning a bright smile from Lucy as she got up and sat closer to her. And all Heather could do was continue to gape in shock, Hillary had never snapped at her like that before. 

Mabel and Dipper watched the exchange curiously, that was certainly new. 

McGucket: Work the bellows and the… Eh? Aww, banjo polish!

Dipper: Wha- Yo- You?! You made this? W-w-why?

McGucket: Well, I… I, uh… I just wanted attention. 

Dipper: I still don’t understand. 

McGucket: Well, first I just hootenannied up a biomechanical brain wave generator, and then I learned to operate a stick-shift will ma beard!

“How?” Horace muttered to himself. 

Mabel: Okay, yeah. But why did you do it?

McGucket: Well, when you get to be an old fella like me, nobody pays any attention to you anymore. (Flashback of McGucket outside his son’s window with a baseball and gloves and his son, inside his office, closing his blinds. Real-time, narrating) My own son hasn’t visited me in months! (Flashback moves to McGucket building the Gobblewonker. Real-time, narrating) So I figured maybe I’d catch his fancy with a fifteen-ton aquatic robut! (Laughs like a maniac and the flashback ends. Sighs) In retrospect, it seems a bit contrived. You just don’t know the length us old-timers go through for a little quality time with our family. 

Almost everyone felt sympathy for Mcgucket while the twins snuggled closer to Stan. Ford watched on fondly only to blink in surprise when he felt someone take his hand into their own, he glanced down and saw that Dipper had grabbed his hand. He gave him a soft smile which he was quick to return. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Looking at the fishing hats Grunkle Stan gave them and sigh) 

Soos: Dude. I guess the real lake monster is you two. Heh, heh! Sorry, that just like- boom- just popped into my head there. 

Dipper and Mabel rolled their eyes fondly, Soos really didn’t have much of a filter. 

Mabel: So, did you ever talk to your son about how you felt? 

McGucket: No, sir, I got to work straight on the robut! (A projector shows blueprints for the Gobblewonker on the trapdoor) I made lots of robots in my day! (Pushes button and the projector shows a newspaper with a robot pterodactyl breathing fire on a town and the word “chaos”) Like when my wife left me and I created a homicidal pterodactyl-tron, 

Almost everyone stared at the screen in shock. 

(Pushed button again and the projector shows a picture of a man) Or when my pal Ernie didn't come to my retirement party (Pushed button again and the projector shows another newspaper with a large robot terrorizing and the word “disaster”) and I constructed an eighty town SHAME BOT THAT EXPLODED THE ENTIRE DOWNTOWN AREA! (Laughs like a maniac) 

Almost everyone's jaws dropped, maybe this man really was crazy.

Well, time to get back to work on my death ray! (Ducks into the Gobblewonker and construction noises can be heard from inside. Raises hand in a grabbing motion) Any of you kids got a screwdriver? 

Dipper: (Takes out the camera) Well, so much for the photo contest. 

“Are you not going to acknowledge any of that?” Charles questioned worriedly and the twins just shrugged. 

“Honestly we kinda forgot about this” Dipper remarked which did not lessen anyone’s worry. Susan wanted to reach over and wrap her babies up in a hug but Stan still had his arms wrapped around them. 

Mabel: You still have one roll of film left. 

Dipper: Whaddaya wanna do with it? 

Cut back to Stan driving back towards the shore. 

Stan: (Looking defeated, sighs)

Dipper: Hye! Over here! (Drives by on the beat-up S.S. Cool Dude and both boats stop. Takes a photo of Stan) 

Stan: What the- kids? I thought you two were off playing “Spin the Bottle” with Soos?

Dipper and Mabel scrunch their noses up while Stan laughed. 

Dipper: Well, we spent all day trying to find a “legendary” dinosaur. 

Mabel: But we realized, the only dinosaur we wanna hang out with is right here. 

A few people awed at this. 

Stan: Save your sympathy! I’ve been having a great time withoutcha’! Makin’ friends, talkin’ to my reflection- I had a run-in with the lake police! Guess I gotta wear this ankle bracelet now, so that’ll be fun. 

“How does that work?” Samantha Bargas asked as she looked at her husband but all Charles could do was blink at the screen in confusion. 

Dipper: So… I guess there isn’t room in that boar for three more? 

Stan: (Glares at Dipper and Mabel) 

Dipper and Mabel: (ut on their hats) 

Stan: (Expression softens) 

Even more, people cooed at this while Stan just rolled his eyes and ruffled the twin's hair affectionately. 

You knuckleheads ever seen me thread a hook with my eyes closed? 

Dipper: Five bucks says you can’t do it!

Stan: You’re on! (Dipper climbs into the Stanowar) 

Mabel: Five more bucks says you can’t do it with your eyes closed, plus me singing at the top of my lungs!

Stan: I like those odds!

A few people smiled fondly at the sight. 

(Mabel and Soos climb into the Stanowar; To Soos) Whoa! What happened to your shirt? 

Soos: Long story, dude. 

Dipper: All right, everybody get together. Say fishing!

Mabel and Stan: Fishing!

Soos: (Steps into the picture, but only his belly shows) Dude, am I in the frame? 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Photomontage: The picture of Stan and Mabel smiling and Soos’ belly; A picture of Mabel covering Stan’s eyes while he peeks and tries to thread a hook; Stan reading jokes while Mabel and Soos laugh; Dipper holding his first fish; Stan posing with his hand in his vest ; Stna and Mabel stealing fish from Smabel and her grandfather; Dipper, Mabel, and Stan driving away from the lake police. 

Almost everyone burst out laughing at this. 

The gang are on a boat. The boat shakes. 

Mabel: Whoa!

Dipper: What was that?

Mabel: (Shrugs) 

Underwater. A disposable camera sinks. The real Gobblewonker swims by and eats it. 

Mabel and Dipper shoot up onto their feet. 

“There’s a real one!” They shouted in shock while everyone else stared at the screen in surprise 

End credits

Mabel: (Playing ventriloquist with the pelican) Who wants to hear a joke?

Dipper: (Offscreen) Not me.

Mabel: (As pelican) Heh, heh! Yeah, ya do!

Dipper rolled his eyes as he flopped back down onto his seat while Mabel giggled and followed suit. 

Here it goes: Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? 

Dipper: (Off screen) I don’t care!

“Someone’s in a grumpy mood” Allen commented in amusement and a few people chuckled in agreement. 

Mabel: (As pelican) ‘Cuz he had a very big bill! La la la la! Yuk yuk yuk! Blah blah bloo! Yay! Hurray!

Dipper: (Offscreen, overlapping) Ugh, boo. Bad joke. Bad pelican joke. 

Almost everyone chuckled at this. Suddenly a golden light wrapped around the three notebooks as the next code appeared on them, Ford, Dipper and Emilia immediately huddled up eagerly. Hopefully, this one would be more interesting than the last one. 

Stan watched on in fond amusement before he turned his attention back to the screen as the next episode began playing.

Chapter Text

The episode opens to Dipper and Mabel in the living room, watching a show on television called Duck-tective. The shows features a constable and a duck detective standing next to a telephone booth that has limbs sticking out. While watching the television program, Mabel knits a new sweater and Dipper eats popcorn from a bowl. 

“Wait, do you knit all of your own sweaters?” Lucy asked and Mabel grinned brightly as she nodded. 

“Yup!” She said proudly and quite a few people gave her impressed looks. 

Mabel reaches for some popcorn, but Dipper slaps her hand. 

A couple of people chuckled at this while Mabel shot Dipper a mock anger look and he just chuckled. 

Cut to TV.

Constable: I’m afraid your services won’t be required here, sir. My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident. 

“How?” Horace muttered and Jennifer Thorn rolled her eyes as she gave her husband an unimpressed look. 

“It’s just a cartoon Horace, don’t think about it too much” She muttered disdainfully and he scowled at her in annoyance. 

Duck-tective: (Starts squawking, the subtitles read:) An accident, constable? Or is it… Murder? 

Constable: What?!

TV announcer: Duck-tective will return after these messages. 

Cut back to the twins. 

Mabel: (Drops her sweater and gasps) That duck is a genius!

Dipper: Eh, it’s easier to find clues when you’re that close to the ground. 

“You’d know all about that wouldn’t you short stack?” Gabriel mocked and Dipper just huffed and rolled his eyes as he chose to focus on the code, it was another easy one. Gabriel scowled at being ignored. 

Mabel: (Hands on her hips, squinting at Dipper doubtful) Are you saying you could outwit Duck-tective? 

Dipper: Mabel, I have very keen powers of observation. For example, just by smelling your breath, I can tell that you have been eating (Sniffs) entire tube of toothpaste?!

Mabel: (Her mouth covered in sparkling toothpaste) It was so sparkly... 

“Mabel Pines what did I saw about eating toothpaste?!” Matthew scolded while almost everyone else laughed which was interrupted by annoyed groans coming from the trio cracking the code. 

“What is it this time?” Mabel asked and Dipper huffed. 

“Next Week: Return to Butt Island” He grumbled and a couple of people groaned as well, these codes weren’t turning out to be very interesting. 

“Did we ever go back to that island?” Mabel asked and Dipper just sighed as he shook his head. 

“No, we did not” He said as he leaned back into his seat. 

Soos: (Runs in) Hey, dudes, you’ll never guess what I found!

Dipper: Buried treasure!

Mabel: Buried- (Laughs and pushes Dipper playfully) Hey, I was gonna say that!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Soos: (Leading the twins to a door) So, I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. It’s crazy bonkers creepy! (Opens the door) 

A few people leaned forward curiously while Dipper and Mabel scowled as they remembered what was behind that door. 

The room is filled with several different wax sculptures. 

Almost everyone deflated at this. 

Dipper: (Shining a flashlight around) Whoa! It’s a secret wax museum!

Mabel: (Fingering Wax Sherlock Holmes) They’re so life-like. 

Dipper crossed his arms uncomfortably at the sight of that specific wax figure. 

Dipper: (Shines flashlight and points to Stan) Except for that one. 

Stan rolled his eyes at this. 

Stan: Hello!

A couple of people jumped in surprise.

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos: (Screams in surprise) 

Stan: (Chuckles) It’s just me, your Grunkle Stan!

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos: (Scream even louder in fright and run away)

Almost everyone laughed at this while Stan huffed fondly. 

Cut to theme son.

Stan: Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions… before I forgot all about it. 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

I got ‘em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, 

Mabel and Dipper glared at the wax figure. 

(Looks at a wax sculpture of Larry King) some kind of, I don’t know, goblin man? 

The people who recognized who that was was chuckled. 

Dipper: (Shudders) Is anyone else getting the creeps here?

A few people nodded in agreement as they also shuddered. 

Stan: And now for my personal favourite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over- (Looks at the melted glob of wax on the floor which is under sunlight from the window above it) Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I’m looking in your direction!

While almost everyone laughed Dipper and Mabel shared a curious look as they wondered, was Wax John Wilkes Booth actually responsible for that? 

(Bends down and puts a finger in wax; sighs) How do you fix a wax figure? 

Mabel: Cheer up, Grunkle Stan. Where’s that smile. 

Stan: Egh.

Mabel: Beep, bop, boop! (Cheerfully pokes Stan in the face) 

Stan: Ow.

Quite a few people chuckled while Stan ruffled Mabel’s hair affectionately earning him a bright smile from the girl. 

Mabel: Don’t worry, Grunkle Stan. I’ll make you a new wax figure from all this old wax!

Stan: You really think you can make one these puppies?

“You can do it, Mabel!” Penny Hart, the art teacher at the twin's school, cheered and Mabel grinned brightly at her favourite teacher. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, I’m an arts and crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm? (Holds up her arm, which has a glue gun glued to it; shakes her arm) Eugh, eugh!

“Where did that come from?” Hillary questioned, that had definitely not been there earlier. 

Stan: I like your gumption, kid!

Mabel: I don’t know what that word means, but thank you!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Cut to Dipper drinking soda and walking towards Mabel. 

Mabel: Dipper!

Dipper: (Starts choking on soda)

Dipper sent Mabel a small glare to which she just responded with a cheeky grin. 

Mabel: What do you think of my wax figure idea? (Shows Dipper a drawing that she sketched in her sketch-book) She’s part fairy princess, and horse fairy princess!

A few people leaned away from the screen with creeped out expressions on their faces. 

Dipper: M...maybe you should carve something from real life. 

Mabel: (Shows Dipper another sketch that she created) Like a waffle, with big arms!

Dipper and Mabel tilted their heads to the side in surprise, well that certainly looked familiar. 

Dipper: Y-okay… Or, you know, something else. Like- like someone in your family. 

“Did you just want her to do a sculpture of you?” Heather scoffed disdainfully but Dipper just shook his head. 

“No, I found those things creepy I was just trying to convince Mabel to do something more realistic” He explained casually. 

Stan: Kids, have you seen my pants? (Poses on a briefcase) 

A couple of people chuckled while others shot Stan grossed outlooks. 

Mabel: (Turns around, her eyes becoming big) Oh, muse. You work in mysterious ways. 

“That it does” Penny chuckled fondly. 

Stan: Why’s your sister talking to the ceiling? 

Cut to a montage of Mabel busily working on Wax Stan. 

Mabel: (Moves back to admire her work) I think… it needs more glitter. 

Penny sweatdropped at this, Mabel really did love using glitter to bad it was so annoying to clean up after. 

Soos: Agreed. (Hands Mabel a bucket of glitter) 

Mabel: (Tosses the entire bucket onto the statue)

“That’s a lot of glitter” Allen commented with wide eyes. 

Stan: (Walks in with his pants on but not shoes) I found my pants but now I’m missing my- (Notices Wax Stan) Ahhh! (Falls over) 

While almost everyone laughed Stan clutched at his chest, for the briefest of moments when he first saw that wax figure he had thought that- he quickly shook his head, it didn’t matter Ford was back so there’s no more need to dwell on the past. 

Mabel: What do you think?

Stan: I think… the Wax Museum’s back in business!

Cut to Soos leading people to see the grand opening of the Wax Museum. 

A couple of people chuckled when they saw that Soos was using corndogs. 

Dipper is working in the stand with Wendy. 

Dipper: I can’t believe this many people showed up. 

Wendy: I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something. 

Dipper: He bribed me. (Holds up a dollar) 

Wendy: (Holds up a dollar. They both laugh) 

Almost everyone laughed at this while Stan just rolled his eyes. 

Stan: (Clears throat over the microphone) You all know me, folks! Town darling. “Mr. Mystery.” Please, ladies, control yourselves!

Cut to three women in the audience staring blankly ahead, flies swarming around them. 

Stan coughed into his fist awkwardly while a bunch of people laugh. 

Stan: As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world, has never known. But enough about me. Behold… me! (Uncovers Wax Stan) 

“Oh well done Mabel!” Penny exclaimed cheerfully while almost everyone stared at the screen in surprise/awe, Mabel beamed happily and she wiggled in her seat giddily. 

Soos: (Makes a fanfare sound on his keyboard, then makes a “Ye-ah! Ye-ye-ye-ye-ye-ah!” sound) 

Two people in the audience politely clap and someone coughs. 

A few people snickered at this. 

Stan: And now a word form our own Mabelangelo!

Mabel: It’s Mabel.

Stan rolled his eyes fondly while a few people chuckled. 

(Takes microphone) Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! (Throws up her arms) It’s covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids. 

“That’s one of those outbursts we internalize” Dipper remarked and Mabel chuckled as she rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly.

Audience: Ugh! Ewwww!

Mabel: (Chuckles) Yeah. I will now take questions! (Points to McGucket) You there!

McGucket: Old Man McGucket, local kook. 

Mabel and Dipper narrowed their eyes when they once again spotted Blendin, just what was it that he was doing. 

Are the wax figures alive? And follow-up question, can I survive the wax-man uprising?

Mabel and Dipper snorted humorlessly at this, who knew McGucket was so good at predicting the future. 

Mabel: Um… Yes! Next question! (Points to Toby Determined) 

Toby: (Holding a turkey baster as if it is a microphone) Toby determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper . Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?

“Is that a turkey baster?” Allen asked curiously. 

Stan: Your microphone’s a turkey baster, Toby. 

Allen smirked while almost everyone else laughed. 

Toby: It certainly is- 

Stan: Next question. (Points to Shandra Jimenez) 

Shandra: Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter. 

“Oh burn” Gabriel exclaimed while a few people chuckled. 

Your flyers promised free pizza with admission to this event. (Shows flyer) Is this true? 

Audience members: That’s what I heard!... Come on!... What a rip-off!... Pizza?... I want my pizza!...

Stan: That was a typo. Good night, everyone! (Uses a smoke bomb to escape, taking the admission fee with him)

“You are a massive crook” Charles remarked unimpressed to which Stan just chuckled not ashamed in the slightest. Susan and Matthew shot him disgusted looks. 

Audience: (Leaving furiously)

“Yikes, that does not look good” Samantha remarked uncomfortably. 

Pizza Guy: (Sadly walks off) 

“Poor guy” Lucy said sadly and Heather rolled her eyes at her.

Manly Dan: (Punches a pole) In your face!

Mabel: I think that went well. (Leans on the admission table) 

Almost everyone laughed at this. 

Cut to the Mystery Shack, where Stan is counting the money he got. 

Stan: Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy! (Points to Wax Stan) 

Mabel: (Jokingly punches Stan) 

Stan chuckled as he ruffled Mabel’s hair. 

Stan: Ooh! (Noogying her) Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go! (Sighs) Kids.

“You like us!” Mabel teased cheerfully and Stan just huffed and rolled his eyes fondly. 

Cut to TV. 

Constable: Well, duck-tective, it seems you’ve really quacked the case. 

Duck-tective: (Quacking; subtitles read:) Don’t patronize me. 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Cut back to Stan.

Stan: (Laughs) Stupid duck! Well, I’m gonna use the john. You need anything? (Laughs) I love this guy! Don’t you go nowhere.

Cut to Dipper and Mabel brushing their teeth. 

Mabel: Dipper, you wanna do a toothbrush race? 

Dipper: Okay.

Stan: (Offscreen; screaming:) No… No… Noooooo!

A couple of people jumped in surprise. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Look at each other and go downstairs) 

Stan: Wax Stan! He’s been… m-murdered! (Clocks bongs three times) 

Stan suddenly stood up and went back to his original seat and clasped Ford’s hand tightly in his own, Ford raised a confused eyebrow. 

“Stanley? What’s wrong?” He asked softly but Stan just shook his head and frowned at the screen. 

“Just shut up” Stan grumbled and Ford gave him another confused look before he returned his attention to the screen. 

Mabel: (Faints) 

Cut to Stan explaining the situation to the police officers.

“You got the cops involved?” Jennifer questioned in disbelief. 

“It’s just a wax figure” Gabriel muttered just as baffled as his mom. 

“Well, it's always possible that the “murder” of Wax Stan was an accident and the real Stan was the actual target” Allen reasoned and Elliott Rogers, Allen's boyfriend, hummed in agreement. 

“There’s also the fact that someone broke into his house and defaced his property” He added on and Allen gave him a curious look. 

“Did you just make a pun?” He asked and Elliott flushed in embarrassment, Allen chuckled and poked his cheek teasingly. 

“Awe look how red you are!” He said cheerfully and Elliott huffed as he pushed Allen’s shoulder in mock annoyance. 

“Oh shut up you” He grumbled playfully and the two of them shared a smile. Gabriel gagged to himself, he hated it when his brother and Elliott got all cutesy it was embarrassing! He glanced towards Dipper and his sister and noticed they were doing that weird twin thing where they spoke with their eyes, he tilted his head curiously wondering what it was they were saying. 

Stan: I got up to use the john, right? And when I come back, blammo! He’s headless!

Mabel: My expert handcrafting… besmirched. (Crying) Besmiiiirrrched!

“There there” Dipper said as he patted her back. 

Dipper: Who would do something like this? 

“There were a lot of people that we're angry at him about not getting the free pizza" Julian remarked and a couple of people nodded in agreement. 

“So narrowing it down is going to be difficult” Lillian said thoughtfully. 

Durland: What’s your opinion, Sheriff Blubs? 

Blubs: Look, we’d love to help you folks, but let’s face the facts… this case is unsolvable.

“What? But they haven’t even tried to solve it how can they know its unsolvable?” Samantha questioned in disbelief. 

“Those are some lazy cops” Charles grumbled disapprovingly. 

Dipper, Mabel, and Stan: What?!

Stan: You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!

Dipper: You’re kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. You know, I could help if you want. 

Charles smiled in amusement as he remembered when Dipper was younger he used to come by the police station to try and help out, he would just give the boy a colouring book or a word search to distract him until his parents came to get him but he had always found it very endearing. Some things never change he mused in amusement. 

Mabel: He’s really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!

Dipper: All signs pointed to the goat. 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Stan: Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help. He’s got a little brain up in his head. 

“Thanks, Grunkle Stan” Dipper huffed in amusement. 

Blubs: Oooh! Would you look at what we got here! City boy thinks he’s gonna solve a mystery with his fancy computer phone!

“I don’t even have a cellphone” Dipper grumbled to himself, he had forgotten just how annoying those two had been. 

Durland: City boooy! City booooooy!

Blubs: You are adorable!

Dipper: Adorable?

Blubs and Durland: (Laugh)

Mabel patted Dippers back as he glared at the screen, he may like those two now but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to strangle them for mocking him like that. 

Blubs: Look, P.J’s, how about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?

Man: (Over Blub’s walkie talkie:) Attention, all units. Steve is about to fir an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe! 

Durland: It’s a 23-16!

Blunts: Let’s move!

A couple of people chuckled at this while Charles covered his face and shook his head. 

Blubs and Durland: (Runoff laughing) 

Dipper: That’s it! Mabel, you and me are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head. Then we’ll see who’s adorable. (Sneezes) 

“Aww, you sneeze like a kitten!” Lucy cooed and Dipper grumbled to himself while almost everyone else laughed. 

Mabel: Aww, you sneeze like a kitten! (Dipper glares at her) 

Everyone laughed at this, even Dipper chuckled at the coincidence. 

Commercial break

Cut to the next morning. Dipper and Mabel are studying the crime scene. 

Dipper: Wax Stan has lost his head and it's up to us to find it. 

Mabel: (Takes pictures) 

Dipper: There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling (Looks at the bulletin board with pictures of suspects) The murderer could have been anyone. 

Mabel: Yeah! Even us!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: In this town, anything is possible. Ghosts, zombies, it could be months before we find our first clue. 

Mabel: Hey, look! A clue.

“Well, that's convenient” Abigail snickered alongside a few others. 

There are shoeprints in the carpet. 

Dipper: Footprints in the shag carpet!

Mabel: That’s weird. They’ve got a hole in them. 

Dipper: And they’re leading to… 

There’s an axe on the floor. 

“It was the big burly red-headed guy!” Heather shrieked which made a few people wince at the volume. 

“It can’t be him those footprints are too small” Lucy argued earning her an annoyed glare from Heather. 

“She’s right there’s no way it was that guy” Hillary agreed and while Lucy beamed Heather crossed her arms and grumbled to herself. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Gasp, then look at each other) 

Cut to the twins in the gift shop with Soos. 

Dipper: So, what do you think?

Soos: In my opinion: this is an axe. 

Mabel: Wait a minute. The lumberjack!

Dipper and Mabel: Of course!

Flashback to Manly Dan punching the pole. 

Manly Dan: In your face!

“That does look a little suspicious” Lucy admitted and Heather smirked.

“But the footprints still don’t match up” Hillary reminded her and Lucy nodded in agreement. 

“Maybe he had one of his sons do it?” Gabriel suggested and Hillary hummed thoughtfully. 

“Maybe” She finally said. 

Back to the present. 

Dipper: He was furious when he didn’t get that free pizza.

Mabel: Furious enough, for murder!

Soos: Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown.

Mabel: Then that’s we’re going. 

Soos: Dude, this is awesome. You two are like: The Mystery Twins!

Dipper: Don’t call us that.

Dipper chuckled, the title had definitely grown on him over time. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Walk outside) 

Stan: (Pulling a coffin out of his car) Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will ya? I’m doin’ a memorial service for Wax Stab. Something small, but classy. (Pulls the coffin out of the car) 

“It’s just a wax figure” Justin muttered only to be hushed by his husband. 

Dipper: Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we have got a big break in the case!

Mabel: Break in the case!

Dipper: We’re heading to the town right now to interrogate the murderer. 

Mabel: We have an axe! (Shows Stan the axe in Dipper’s bag; Making a horror movie screeching sound:) REE, REE, REE!

Almost everyone burst out into surprised laughter. 

Stan: Hm, seems like the kind of thing that responsible parents wouldn’t want you to do…

“Yes, it is” Matthew agreed as he shot Stan a suspicious look. 

Good thing I’m an uncle. Avenge me, kids! AVENGE MEEE!!

Susan and Matthew shot him angered glares while a few others laughed. 

Cut to the town, Dipper and Mabel are sneaking behind a dumpster near the Skull Fracture. 

Dipper: This is the place. (Gasp when Tats looks at him)

Susan and Matthew bit their lips anxiously. 

Got the fake IDs? 

“You are both tiny little twelve-year-olds, no one is going to buy a fake ID from you two” Elliott said seriously only to tilt his head in confusion when the twins smirked. 

Mabel: (Gives him one) 

Dipper: (Looking at ID) Here goes nothing. 

Tats: (Looks at an ID card) Sorry, but we don’t serve miners. 

Elliot had an “I told you so” look on his face.

Miner: Daaaannnnng’nab it! (Spits on the road and walks off) Eughh!  

“What?” Elliot questioned in confusion while a few people snickered. 

Mabel: (She and Dipper walk-up) We’re here to interrogate Manly Dan the lumberjack for the murder of Wax Stan. (She and Dipper show their fake ID cards; Mabel jingles hers) Dedledle-e. 

“There’s no way that’s going to work” Gabriel muttered dismissively. 

Tats: Works for me. (Opens dor for the twins) 

Almost everyone stared at the screen in shock while both sets of Pines twins laughed. 

Men are fighting inside the Skull Fracture. Dipper and Mabel walk inside and look around. Dipper motions for Mabel to follow him. 

Mabel: (Walks over a body) He’s resting. 

A couple of people shared disturbed looks at this. 

Dipper: Alright, let’s just try to blend in, ok? 

Mabel: You got it, Dippingsauce. (Climbs onto a chair and talks to a man) Hey there, fellow restaurant patron! (Pats his arm) Bap!

Biker: (Growls)

Susan let out a strangled gasp in worry. 

Manly Dan: (Playing an arm wrestling game) AAAAAGHHHH!!

Dipper: Manly Dan, just the guy I wanted to see. Where were you last night? 

Manly Dan: Punchin’ the clock.

Dipper: You were at work. 

“But if he’s a lumberjack why was he working at night?” Gabriel questioned.

  Manly Dan: No, I was punchin’ that clock! (Points t a broken clock outside) 

“Why?” Someone muttered in confusion. 

Dipper: 10 o’clock, the time of the murder. So, I guess you’ve never seen this before? (Pulls out the axe from his bag and shows Manly Dan) 

Manly Dan: Listen, little girl!

Dipper grumbled to himself while a bunch of people laughed. 

Dipper: Hey, actually I’m a- 

Manly Dan: I wouldn’t pick my teeth with that axe. It’s left-handed! I only use my right hand, the MANLY HAND!! (Rips the machine’s arm off and beats the machine with it) 

Tyler: Get ‘im! Get ‘im! (Giggles) 

Dipper: Left-handed… 

“He may not have been the murderer but interrogating him wasn’t pointless because now you have a lead” Charles remarked impressed and Dipper simply grinned. 

Mabel and Biker: (Looking at cootie catch er Mabel is counting off with) 3, 4, 5, 6. 

A few people stared at the screen in surprise while Ford shook his head fondly, Mabel really could befriend anyone. 

Mabel: (Gasps) Your wife is gonna be beautiful. 

Biker: (Pumps arm) Yes!

“Awe” Lucy said softly. 

Dipper: Mabel, big break in the case!

Dipper and Mabel: (Leave) 

Biker: But will she love me?!

“Okay that’s actually pretty cute” Hillary admitted and Lucy cooed some more. 

Dipper: It’s a left-handed axe. (Shows her a list) These are all our suspect. Many Dan is right-handed, that means all we have to do is find our left-handed suspect and we’ve got our killer.

Mabel: Oh man, we are on fire today! Pa-zow, Pa-zow, Pa-zow!

Dipper: Let’s find that murderer. (Fist bumps Mabel) 

Montage: cut to Mabel waving a McGucket. He has a baby alligator on his right hand as he waves back to her. 

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Alice questioned baffled. 

Dipper lists McGucket as right-handed. Cut to Dipper wearing a fake moustache and carrying a package to Pizza Guy’s house. Pizza Man signs Dipper’s form and gets excited, only for Dipper to take the package and leave. 

“Poor guy” Lucy said sadly. 

He is listed as right-handed. Cut to Mabel whistling to the Angry Lady and throwing her a baseball. She catches it and crushes it. 

A few people leaned away from the screen at this. 

She is listed as right-handed. Cut to the twins at Mikey R.’s house. He comes to the door with both hands in casts. His name is just crossed out. Cut to name after name being listed as right-handed until the tip of the pencil breaks.  

“You two went about this very cleverly, by not asking outright you keep the suspect from catching on” Charles remarked impressed and the twins grinned brightly. 

Dipper: (Gasp) Mabel. There’s only one person left on this list.

Mabel: (Gasp) Of course, it all adds up!

The cops and kids go to Gravity Falls Gossiper. 

“The Gravity Falls Gossiper, isn’t that where the guy with the turkey baster works? He’s the murderer?” Allen asked curiously. 

“He was publicly humiliated so that would give him a motive” Elliott said thoughtfully. 

Blubs: You kids better be right about this or you’ll never hear the end of it. 

Dipper: The evidence is irrefutable. 

Mabel: It’s so irrefutable. 

Durland: I’m gonna get to use my nightstick!

Charles scowled at this, no cop should be excited at the idea of using violence. 

Blubs: You ready? You ready little fella? 

Blubs and Durland: Woo, woo! (Both poke each other with their police batons) 

A couple of people laugh at this. 

Dipper: On 3! 1, 2, … 

Durland: (Smashes the door open) Yaaaahhhh!

Blubs: Nobody move! This is a raid!

Toby: Aaaahh! (Falls down) What is this? Some kind of raid? 

A few people snorted at this. 

Durland: (Smashes a lamp) Derp!

“That’s a better much” Horace remarked unimpressed. 

Dipper: Toby Determined, you’re under arrest for the murder of the wax body of Grunkle Stan. 

“How ethical is it that they brought Dipper and Mabel with them?” Samantha asked and Charles sighed and shook his head, he had given up on trying to understand Blubs and Durland. 

Mabel: You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work. (High fives Dipper) 

Toby: Gobbling goose feathers! I don’t understand!

Dipper: Then allow me to explain. (Flashback to the event; voiceover:) You were hoping that Grunkle Stan’s new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline. (In the flashback, Toby chops Wax Stan’s head off) 

Mabel: (Holding a newspaper with a picture of Wax Stan’s head) 

Dipper: (Flashback shows Toby’s show with a hole in it and his turkey baster held in his left hand; voiceover:) But you were sloppy, and all the clues pointed to a shabby shoed reporter who was caught left-handed. 

Mabel: (Crumples up newspaper) Toby Determined, you’re yesterday’s news.

“This feels like something straight out of Scooby-Doo” Gabriel muttered to himself. 

Toby: Boy, your little knees must be sore… from jumping to conclusions. (Dances) Hachacha! I had nothing to do with that murder.

“What?” Someone questioned in confusion. 

Dipper: I knew it! (Overlapping with Mabel) Wait, what did you say? Nothing? You say nothing? 

Mabel: Huh? What? Could you repeat? 

Blunts: Then where were you at the night of the break-in? 

Toby: Ehh… (Inserts a tape into a TV. It starts playing, and we see him taking a cardboard cutout of Shandra Jimenez out of his closet) Finally, we can be alone, a cardboard cutout of TV news reporter Shandra Jimenez! (Kisses it) 

Everyone made sounds of disgust at the sight. 

“I could have done without seeing that” Allen muttered with his hand covering his eyes, Elliott grunted in agreement as he covered his own eyes. 

Cops and kids: Eeeewwww! Yuck!

Blubs: Timestamp confirms. Toby, you’re off the hook. You freak of nature. 

Toby: Hooray!

“But if it wasn’t him, then who?” Hillary questioned baffled. 

Dipper: But, but it has to be him! Check the axe for fingerprints!

Blubs: (Checks for fingerprints on the axe) No prints at all. 

“What?” Nearly everyone muttered in confusion. 

Dipper: No prints? 

Durland: Hey I got a headline for you: city kids waste everyone’s time. 

Dipper and Mabel scowled slightly, at least they had been willing to do something productive.  

Adults: (Laugh) 

Dipper and Mabel: (Look at each other, embarrassed) 

Toby: (As the video of him kissing the cutout of Shandra Jimenez continues to play) Boy, I’d be pretty embarrassed if I was you two. 

Everyone shook their heads in disbelief at this. 

Cut to Stan in the wax figure room. He is standing on a stage with a bunch of chairs set up. Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and the wax figures are the audience. 

Stan: Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, 

Dipper and Mabel shared a look at this. 

Thank you all for coming. 

Soos: (Blows nose, crying) 

Stan: Some people might say it’s wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself. 

Stan gripped Ford’s hand again earning him a concerned look from his brother. 

Soos: (Jumps up and points) They’re wrong!

Stan: Easy Soos. Wax Stan, I hope you’re picking pockets in wax heaven. (Wipes eye) I’m sorry, I got glitter in my eye! (Cries and runs away) 

Ford glanced at Stan who was till gripping his hand and suddenly came to a realization. 

“That wax figure made you think of me, didn’t it?” He asked softly and Stan let out a pained sigh as he nodded. Ford frowned sadly as he pulled his brother into a hug, both of them ignoring the looks they were getting. 

Soos: (Running after Stan, while crying) Ohhhhh duuuude… 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: (Sighs) Those cops are right about me. 

Mabel: Dipper, we’ve come so far, we can’t give up now. 

Dipper: (Stand up and walks to the coffin) But I considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues (Looks inside coffin; sighs) Wax Stan’s show has a hole in it… 

A couple of people shared curious looks at this 

Mabel: All the wax guys have that. It’s where the pole thingy attaches to their stand dealy. 

Almost everyone’s curious looks increased. 

“You don’t think…” Elliot muttered to himself. 

Dipper: Wait a minute, what has a hole on its shoe and no fingerprints? 

“No way” Allen gasped. 

Mabel! The murderers are- 

Wax Holmes: Standing right behind you. 

All the wax figures come to life. 

Almost everyone gaped at the screen in shock. 

Dipper: (Gasp) Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio? 

Wax Coolio: Wha s’up Holmes?

A few people chuckled at this. 

Wax Lizzie Borden: (Takes her axe from Mabel) 

Mabel: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!

Wax Holmes: Congratulations, my two amateur sleuths, you have unburied the truth, and now we’re going to bury you. 

Almost everyone gasped in horror while Susan and Matthew held unto each other fearfully. 

Commercial break. 

Wax Holmes: Bravo, Dipper Pines. You’ve discovered our little secret. (Takes Wax Stan’s head out of his cape) Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically. 

Wax Figures: (Applaud) 

Wax Holmes: Uh, no that sounds too sincere. Slow clap. 

Wax Figure: (Slow clap) 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Wax Holmes: There we go, nice and condescending. 

Dipper: But… how is this possible? You’re made of wax!

Mabel: Are you… magic? 

Wax Holmes: (Laughs) Are we magic? She wants to know if we’re magic! (Stops laughing) We’re CURSED!

Wax Figures: Cursed! Cursed!

Wax Holmes: Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. 

A few people deadpanned at this. 

Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale. 

Wax Coolio: A haunted garage sale, son!

“Why?” Ford asked and all Stan could do was shrug. 

Flashback to the haunted garage sale. 

Seller: I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. 

Stan: (Looks at the price tag) Twenty dollars?! I’ll just take ‘em when you’re not lookin’

Seller: What? 

Stan: I said I was gonna rob you. 

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

Flashback showing the wax museum during the day. 

Wax Holmes: (Voiceover:) And so, the Mystery Shack Wax Collection was born. By day, we would be the playthings of man. 

Wax Coolio: (Voiceover:) But when your uncle went to sleep, we would rule da night. 

Flashback shows the statues messing around the Mystery Shack at night. 

Wax Larry King: (Flicks Coolio’s braids) 

Wax Coolio: Hey, I told you to stop that. 

Wax Larry King: Make me!

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Cut to Wax Holmes and Wax Edgar Allen Poe in Stan’s room while he’s sleeping. Laughing, they take a photo. 

Stan frowned uncomfortably at the idea of those creepy wax figures being around him as he slept. 

Stan: (Wakes up) Huh? 

Wax Holmes and Poe freeze when Stan wakes up. 

Stan: Eh. (Returns to sleep) 

Wax Holmes: (Voiceover:) It was a charmed life for us cursed beings… 

Flashback to Stan shaking the empty admission box and putting the wax figures in storage. 

Wax Holmes: (Voiceover:) That is, until your uncle closed up shop. 

The storage room is seen wearing out as time goes by, leaving the door blocked by wallpaper. Soos later comes by sweeping the floor and finds the knob to the storage room. He puts the knob in its place. Dissolve to the Mystery Shack. 

Wax Holmes: (Voiceover:) We’ve been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away… 

Almost everyone tensed worriedly. 

Flashback to Wax Sherlock Holmes swipes Wax Stan’s head off with an axe. 

Wax Holmes: (Voiceover:) But we got the wrong guy. 

Almost everyone gasped while Stan clutched at his throat with wide eyes and Ford practically strangled his hand in his shock/worry. 

In the flashback, Stan grumbles and spits as he begins to enter and Wax Sherlock Holmes slips out; the flashback ends. 

Dipper: So, you’re trying to murder Grukle Stan for real?!

Mabel: You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people are creepy!

Multiple people eagerly nodded in agreement. 

Wax Holmes: Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must… die. 

Susan and Matthew clutched onto each other with wide fearful eyes, just how much danger were their babies in this summer? 

The wax figures growl and their eyes roll back in their heads. They approach the kids. 

“I didn’t think they could get creepier, guess I was wrong” Gillen remarked weakly. 

Mabel: What do we do. What do we do? 

Dipper: I don’t know!

Ford bit his lip anxiously there was nothing in his Journal that could protect them, how were they going to get out of this?

Dipper and Mabel: (Throw stuff on a table behind them at the wax figures) 

Dipper: (Throws a full coffee maker at them) 

Wax Genghis Khan: (Coffee all over him, he is melting; screams) 

“You’ve got to melt them!” Gabriel shouted as if the past versions of the twins could hear him. 

Mabel: That’s it! We can melt them with hotty melty things!

A few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper and Mabel: (Grabs the electric candles behind them and smile) 

Almost everyone cheered at this. 

Dipper: Anyone move and we’ll melt you into candles!

Mabel: Decorative candles!

“Yeah, you tell ‘em!” Penny cheered. 

Wax Holmes: You really think you can defeat us? 

Dipper: I-I don’t really know. I’m not-I’m not really sure. 

Mabel: It’s worth a shot, I guess. 

Almost everyone chuckled at this. 

Wax Holmes: So be it… (To wax figures:) attack!

The figures begin closing in on the twins. Wax Lizzie Borden swings her axe at Mabel, but accidentally decapitates Wax Robin Hood. Mabel walks around her, but Wax Shakespeare sneaks up behind her. Mabel cuts off his hands with the candles, and he runs away. Wax Shakespeare’s hands still move, and begin strangling Mabel. 

Susan let out a horrified gasp. 

Mabel walks over to a door, and repeatedly smashes it on its fingers. 

Dipper: Interview this, Larry King! (Decapitates Wax Larry King with a candle) 

Wax Larry King: My neck! My beautiful neck!

Wax Groucho Marx: (Touches candle and his hand begins to melt) Eh!

Dipper: Jokes on you, Groucho! (Cuts Groucho in half using a candle) 

Wax Groucho Marx: (As the top half of his body slides off of the lower half) I’ve heard about a cutting remark but this is ridiculous! Hey, why is there nothing in my hand? 

Wax Genghis Khan: (Runs at Dipper, but Dipper dodges and he runs right into the fireplace) 

Dipper: Ha, Genghis Khan! You fell harder than the… uh… I don’t know, uh, Jin Dynasty? Heh. Yeah. Alright. (Gets up and runs back into the fight) 

“Your such a dork” Mabel laughed as she pushed Dipper’s shoulder playfully and he chuckled in agreement. 

Mabel: (Swings around Wax Coolio’s head while getting overwhelmed by wax figures)

Wax Coolio: Ow ow ow ow! What’s up with that? 

Mabel: Dipper! Watch out!

Dipper: Cuts Wax Richard Nixon’s leg; causes Nixon to be pushed into next room and sees Wax Sherlock Holmes approach him) 

Wax Holmes: Alright. Let’s get this taken care of. (Puts Wax Stan’s head on the horn of a rhino on the wall, and grabs a sword hanging on the wall. He then swings it at Dipper, smacking then candle out of his hand, and breaking it. He swings the sword above his head, and aims it at Dipper) 

"Dipper!” Susan and Matthew shouted worriedly, Dipper turned to look at Mabel with a confused look on his face. 

“They do know I’m sitting right here and am perfectly fine, right?” He asked and all Mabel could do was shrug. 

Mabel: Catch! (Throws a poker to Dipper) 

Wax Holmes brings the sword on Dipper, but is blocked with the poker. Wax Sherlock keeps attacking, while Dipper blocks and is pushed back. 

“You should think about joining the fencing team” Arthur Quill, the fencing coach at the twin's school, commented and Dipper smiled only for it to slip off of his face as he noticed the horrified looks on his parent's faces. No matter how cool that sounded there was no way his parents would let him do something so “dangerous”. 

Dipper is pushed back into the Attic Floor, and is cornered by Wax Holmes against the wall. 

Wax Holmes: Once your family is out of the way, we’ll rule the night once more!

Mabel grabbed Dipper’s hand anxiously, sure she knew he would be fine but she still didn’t like seeing her brother in danger. Dipper smiled softly as he squeezed her hand comfortingly. 

Dipper: (Looks at the window, and just when Sherlock brings the sword down, rolls through his legs and out the window) Don’t count on it!

“Well done Dipper!” Emilia cheered alongside a few others. 

Wax Holmes: Come back here, you brat!

Dipper climbs onto the Mystery Shack sign and Wax Holmes follows him. Dipper slowly walks across it, while Wax Holmes swings the sword at him. They clash between poker and sword while trying to maintain balance. 

“He’s actually really good” Hillary muttered kinda impressed. Meanwhile, Susan and Matthew shared an unhappy look, they did not like how skilled Dipper seemed to be at combat.  

Wax Holmes tries to hit Dipper with its sword, but Dipper jumps back, and the “S” falls off. 

“So that’s what happened to it” Stan muttered to himself as he watched the screen anxiously, just how many times were the twins in danger under his nose and he never knew? 

Wax Holmes: You really think you can outwit me, boy? I’m Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It’s enormous!

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Dipper: (Drops the poker and begins to climb off the sign, and behind it. He hides behind the chimney and looks out to see if Wax Sherlock is there) 

Wax Holmes: (Kicks him down. Raises sword) Any last words? 

Tears streamed down Susan and Matthews faces as they stared at the screen in fear. 

Dipper: Um… you got any sunscreen? 

“What?” Someone muttered in confusion. 

Wax Holmes: Got any-? What? (Turns and sees the sun starting to rise; Gasps) No. (Begins to melt) 

Almost everyone’s eyes widened in surprise before they started cheering. 

Dipper: You know, letting me lead you outside? Probably not your sharpest decision. 

“You sneaky little shit!” Allen cheered excitedly while a few others laughed. 

Wax Holmes: (Continues to melt) Outsmarted by a child in short pants! No! (Starts melting faster) Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! Titter, total kerfuffle. Butter hullabaloo. (Everything but his face melts) 

Nearly everyone was laughing now. 

Dipper: Case closed! (Wipes hands together; the dust makes him sneeze) 

Wax Holmes: Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you’re adorable! Adorable! 

Dipper grumbled to himself at this while Mabel snickered. 

(Falls off the roof and then splashes) 

“Ew” Heather muttered as she scrunched her nose up in disgust. 

Dipper: E-ew.

Heather rolled her eyes unimpressed while a few people snickered. 

Cut to Mabel throwing the remaining part of the wax figures into the fireplace. Wax Shakespeare’s head is the only noticeable wax figure left. 

Wax Shakespeare: Though our group be left in twain, man of wax shall rise again!

Almost everyone grew uncomfortable at this. 

Mabel: Y’know any limericks? 

Wax Shakespeare: Uh… there once was a dude from Kentucky… 

Mabel: Nope! (Throws his head into the fire) 

Quite a few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper enters. 

Mabel: Dipper! You’re okay! You solved the mystery after all. 

Dipper: (Pulls up a chair and takes Wax Stan’s head off the wall) I couldn’t have done it without my sidekick. 

Mabel: No offence Dipper, but you’re the sidekick. 

Dipper: What? Says who? Have people been saying that? Have you heard that? 

Nearly everyone laughed while Dipper rolled his eyes fondly and shoved Mabel’s shoulder playfully which earned him a chuckle from her. 

Stan: (Walks in) Hot Belgian waffles!! What happened to my parlour!?

Mabel: Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!

Dipper: I decapitated Larry King. 

Stan: Ha ha! Yo kids and your imaginations!

A few people gave Stan disbelieving looks while the twin's parents scowled at him. 

Dipper: On the bright side, though, look what we found. (Hands Stan Wax Stan’s head) 

Stan: My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing. 

Dipper: Oh I’m not so sure about that. Is there any other alternative…? 

Mabel: Oh uh… I’m not so sure… 

Stan: Ha ha! (Noogies Dipper and Mabel) 

Susan and Matthew’s scowls grew. 

Mabel and Dipper: (Laughs) 

Blubs and Durland drive up to the window. 

Blubs: Solved the case yet, boy? I’m so confident you’re gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee. (Takes a long, slow sip) 

Dipper: Actually, the answer is yes. 

A bunch of people smirked at the screen. 

Blubs: Blu blu blu- (Spits coffee in Durland’s face) 

A few people wince at this. 

Durland: (Screams; spits coffee in Blubs’ face) 

Blubs: (Screams; spits coffee in Durland’s face) 

Durland: (Screams; spits coffee in Blubs’ face) 

Blubs: It burns! It burns!

Durland: (Overlapping:) My eyes!

“Yikes” Justin said as he and a bunch of other people wince. 

They drive away, screaming. 

Stan, Dipper, and Mabel: (Laugh) 

Stan: They got scalded!

A crash is heard. 

“Are they okay?” Lucy asked worriedly and Mabel gave her a reassuring smile. 

“Yeah they're fine” She said simply and Lucy smiled in relief. 

Dipper: So, did you get rid of all the wax figures? 

Mabel: I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did!

Dipper: Good enough for me!

The camera moves over to the vent and we see Wax Larry King’s head. 

Almost everyone tensed worriedly. 

Wax Larry King: (Laughs) -HUh? 

Rat: (Walks up to him) 

Wax Larry King: So you’re a rat. Tell me about that. 

Rat: (Rips off his ear and runs off)

Wax Larry King: Hey, get back here! (Hops after him) I’m hoping! I’m hoping after a rat that stole my ear!

Nearly everyone chuckled at this. 

Cut to credits.

Mabel: Hmm. Hey Dipper, which do you think is better? Sequins or llama hair? 

Wax Larry King: (Hops to the vent next to her) The llama hair, Llamas are nature’s greatest warriors. (Hops off) 

Mabel: Thanks Dipper!

Dipper: (Stops reading and looks around confused) 

Nearly everyone laughed at this as a golden light appeared around the three notebooks. Dipper, Ford and Emilia got to work once again with a little less enthusiasm then before as the next episode began playing.

Chapter Text

The episode opens to Stan out in the front yard with some tourists. 

Stan: For tonight’s final illusion, we have the incredible “Sack of Mystery.” When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears!

“No one’s dumb enough to fall for that” Lillian remarked. 

The crowd mutters several positive things about the trick’s credibility and Stan’s character. Stan smiles at his gain and their loss. 

Lillian stared at the screen flabbergasted as a few other people laughed. 

Cuts to Dipper, Mabel, and Soos watching television. 

TV Narrator: The tiger was badly injured in the explosion, but we repaired him with a fist. 

Dipper, Mabel, and Soos start cheering and Dipper says that the Tiger’s a hero. On TV the tiger punches itself. 

TV Narrator: Tiger Fist! …will return after these messages. 

Soos: Hey, look. It’s that commercial I was telling you guys about. 

Stan, Dipper and Mabel all groan as realization sunk it. 

Bud Gleeful: (Voiceover:) Are you completely miserable? 

Actor: (While crying:) YES!

Bud: (Voiceover:) Then you need to meet (In a whisper:) Gideon. 

Stan, Dipper and Mabel all groaned once again earning them confused looks from the others. 

Dipper: Gideon?

Mabel: What makes him so special? 

Bud: (Voiceover:) He’s a psychic.

While a few people perked up curiously Stan rolled his eyes, he had known that that little faker wasn’t a real psychic the second he called him Stanford. 

Mabel: Aroo?

Bud: (Voiceover:) So don’t waste your time with other so-called “man of mystery.”

The screen shows a clip of Stan coming out of an outhouse and is stamped with the word “FRAUD.” 

A couple of people chuckled while Stan grumbled to himself. 

Bud: (Voiceover:) Learn about tomorrow tonight at Gideon’s Tent of Telepathy. (Speeding through subtext for commercial:) Voidwhereprohibited,noC.O.D.’Saccepted.CarlaI’vealwayslovedyoubutneverhadthegutstosayit.

Everyone laughed at this. 

Mabel: Wow, I’m getting all curiousy inside!

Stan: (Walks in) Well, don’t get too curiousy. Ever since that monster Gideon rolled into town, I’ve had nothin’ but trouble. 

Cut to Grunkle Stan driving in a parking lot. He spots an open parking spot and attempts to back in, but Gideon’s tour bus pulls in first. 

Stan: (Makes a fist) Gideon!

Almost everyone chuckled at this. 

Cut back to present. 

Mabel: Well, is he really psychic?

Dipper: I think we should go and find out. 

Dipper covered his face and groaned, why did he have to suggest that? 

Stan: Never! You’re forbidden from patronizing the competition. No one that lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon’s roof!

Dipper: Do tents have roofs? 

Mabel: I think we just found our loophole… literally! (Holds up a string with a loop in it) Mwop mwop!

While a few people chuckled Dipper and Mabel shared a pain-filled look, why couldn’t they have just listened to Grunkle Stan? They could have been spared so much annoyance and frustration if they had. 

Cut back to TV. 

Bud: (Voiceover:) So come down soon, folks. Gideon is expecting you. 

“Ominous, I like it” Allen quipped cheerfully. 

Cut to theme song. 

Emilia and Ford sighed as they cracked the code, Dipper was too distracted by the whole Gideon thing to be of much help. 

“What’s it say?” Alice asked and Emilia pinched the bridge of her nose. 

“It says He’s Still In The Vents, which you know would be interesting if we didn’t already know that” She said and a few people made sounds of agreement. 

Cut to a crowd entering the Tent of Telepathy. Bud Gleeful stands at the entrance with a sack. 

Bud: Step right up there, folks. Put your money in Gideon’s psychic sack. 

Crowd mutters several positive things about the sack’s credibility. 

“Seriously” Lillian muttered in exasperation. 

Dipper: Whoa, this is like a bizarro version of the Mystery Shack. They even have their own Soos. 

Dipper points to a maintenance worker who looks very similar to Soos, named Deuce. Soos glares at the lookalike while munching on an empanada. 

“There can only be one!” August Rogers, Elliot’s younger sibling, shouted cheerfully earning them chuckles form some of the others. 

Mabel: It’s starting! It’s starting! 

Dipper: Let’s see what this monster looks like. 

Curtains open and Gideon appears on the stage. 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen flabbergasted. 

“Your greatest rival is a toddler?” Horace questioned with a judgemental look on his face while Stan glared at the screen. 

“An evil toddler” He said as he shook his fist at the screen which earned him a bunch of unimpressed eye rolls. 

“We’ll see if anyone’s willing to disagree by the end of this” Dipper muttered and Mabel nodded in agreement. 

Gideon: Hello America! My name is Li’l Gideon. 

Gideon claps and doves fly out of his hair. The crowd cheers. 

“I don’t think hair is the best place to keep birds” Margaret muttered to herself. 

Dipper: That’s Stan’s mortal enemy? 

Mabel: But he’s so wittle!

Gideon: Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a gift to have you here tonight! ...Such a gift. I have a vision. I predict that you will soon say, “aww.”

Gideon makes a cute pose and the crowd says “aww.” Cut to Dipper and Mabel in the audience. 

Mabel: (In awe:) It came true. 

Mabel sighed, she was too easily impressed. 

Dipper: What? I’m not impressed. 

Mabel: You’re impressed. 

Dipper rolled his eyes, he really hadn’t been. 

Cut back to Gideon on the stage. 

Gideon: Hit it, Dad!

Bud Gleeful starts playing the piano and Gideon starts singing a song. 

Gideon: (Singing:) Oh, I can see, what others can’t see. It ain’t some sideshow trick, it’s an innate ability. Where others are blind, I am futurely inclined. And you too could see, if you was widdle ol’ me! Come on. Everybody, rise up! I want y’all to keep it going!

Crowd, including Soos and the twins, rises, seemingly unintentionally, and they start to clap along with the beat. 

Dipper: Wha-? How did he-? 

A few people perked up curiously at this. 

Gideon: Keep it going! (Singing:) You wish your son would call you more

Momentarily cuts to an old woman with a cat on her lap. 

Unnamed cat lady: I’m leaving everything to my cats!

Everyone laughed at this. 

Cat: (Meows) 

Gideon: (Singing:) I sense that you’ve been here before. 

Momentarily cut to Sheriff Blubs, who is wearing a shirt with Gideon’s face on it and holding various other Li’l Gideon merchandise. 

Blubs: Oh, what gave it away? 

Cut to Dipper, Soos and Mabel. 

Dipper: (Exasperated) Come on. 

A couple of people chuckled at this.

“You're certainly not easily impressed” Abigail said in amusement and Dipper chuckled in agreement. 

Gideon: (Singing; to Mabel:) I’ll read your mind if I’m able. Something tells me you’re named Mabel. 

Gideon leaves, and Mabel faces the screen and moves the popcorn out of the way so that we can see her sweater, which reads “MABEL” 

Mabel: How’d he do that? 

Nearly everyone deadpanned while Mabel covered her face in embarrassment, she had forgotten what kind of sweater she was wearing at the time. 

Gideon: (Singing:) So welcome all ye… to the Tent of Telepathy. And thanks for visiting… widdle ol’ me!

The song ends, Gideon is sweating and panting and the crowd cheers wildly. 

“He’s more of a performer than a psychic” Elliott remarked nearly everyone nodded in agreement. 

Mabel: Woo! Yeah!

Dipper: (As they exit) Man, that kid’s an even bigger fraud than Stan! No wonder our uncle’s jealous.

“Why you” Stan said in a fake angry tone as he reached over to give Dipper am affectionate noogie and while he laughed his parents scowled at Stan. 

Mabel: Oh, come on. His dance moves were adorable! And did you see his hair? It was like, whoosh!

A few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: You’re too easily impressed. 

Mabel: Yeah, yeah!

As they walk away Gideon sticks his head out of the tent and stares after them 

Dipper and Mabel shuddered, they had no idea that Gideon had been watching them. 

Next day at the Mystery Shack. Mabel goes up to Dipper, her face is bedazzled with sequins. 

“Why would you do that?” Gabriel questioned in confusion and all Mabel did was shrug with a smile on her face. 

Mabel: Check it out, Dipper! I successfully bedazzled my face! Blink! (She blinks as she says this and some of the sequins fly off her face) Ow. 

A couple of people winced at this. 

Dipper: Is that permanent? 

Mabel: I’m unappreciated in my time… 

The doorbell rings. 

Stan: Somebody answer that door!!

Mabel: I’ll get it! (Goes to open the door as she wipes the sequins off.

"What was the point of that?" Gabriel muttered to himself. 

She opens it up but doesn’t see anyone. Mabel then looks down and finds Gideon) 

Gideon: Howdy.

Mabel: It’s “wittle ol” you!

Gideon: (Laughs nervously) Yeah, my song’s quite catchy. Now, I know we haven’t formally met, but after yesterday’s performance, I just couldn’t get your laugh out of my head. 

Mabel: You mean this one? (Laughs obnoxiously) 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Gideon: Oh, what a delight! Now, when I saw you in the audience, I said to myself, “Now there’s a kindred spirit! Someone who appreciates the sparkly things in life.”

Mabel: That’s totally me! (Laughs and coughs up some sequins that land on Gideon’s suit, bedazzling it) 

Gideon: (In a whisper:) Enchanting. Utterly enchanting. 

“Something about this feels kinda creepy” Allen mumbled and Abigail gave him a confused look. 

“What are you talking about? I think it’s cute” She said sweetly but he just continues to frown uncomfortably. 

Stan: (Offscreen) Who’s at the door? 

Mabel: No one, Grunkle Stan!

Mabel sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair if she had told Grunle Stan who was at the door she could have been spared so much hardship. 

Gideon: I appreciate your discretion. Now, Stan’s no fan of mine. I don’t know how a lemon s sour could be related to a peach so sweet. 

Mabel: Gideon! Aha ha!

Gideon: What do you say we step away from here, and chat a bit more. Perhaps in my dressing room?

Mabel: Oh! Makeovers. Yahoo! (Pokes Gideon’s stomach) 

Gideon: (Laughs) Ow. 

Dipper and Mabel smiled at this, just because they were on better terms with Gideon now didn’t mean they would forget all of the awful shit he did to them. A little pain was the least he deserved. 

Cut to inside Gideon’s house. Gideon opens the door to his dressing room. Mabel stares in amazement. 

Gideon: Ya see something you like? ‘Cause I do.

Mabel shuddered at this while her parents frowned disapprovingly. 

Mabel: (Laughs; cluelessly:) What?

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

“What a mood” August chuckled in amusement. 

Mabel returns to the Mystery Shack with her makeover. 

“You look ridiculous” Heather scoffed but Mabel just shrugged uncaringly which earned her a scowl from Heather. 

Mabel: Hey Dipper. What’s goin’ oooon? (Dangles manicured fingernails over Dipper’s head) 

Dipper: Whoa, where have you been? And what’s going on with those fingernails, you look like a wolverine.

Mabel: I know, right? (Roars, pretends to scratch something) 

Nearly everyone chuckled at this. 

I was hanging out with my new pal, Gideon. He is one dapper little man. 

Dipper: Mabel, I don’t trust anyone whose hair is bigger than their head. 

Dipper nodded passionately in agreement with his past self. 

Mabel: Oh, leave him alone! You never want to do girly stuff with me; you and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time!

Mabel sighed, why couldn’t Gideon have just stayed as a friend why did he have to be a creepy stalker. 

Dipper: What do you mean?

Soos: (Enters) Hey dude, you ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one? 

Dipper: (Excitedly:) Am I! (They both run off while Mabel stands there) 

Dipper and Soos: (Offscreen, as popping sounds are made, they are heard laughing) (Chanting:) One-at-a-time! One-at-a-time!

Everyone chuckled at this, it was kinda nice to see Dipper act like an actual kid. He was always trying to act like an adult so this was a nice change. 

Cut to Mabel and Gideon on the roof of a warehouse. 

Dipper shivered uncomfortably at the sight of the warehouse. Meanwhile, Susan and Matthew frowned disapprovingly at Mabel sitting so high up. 

Mabel: Whoa, the view from your family’s factory is nuts! Good thing we both brought our-

Mabel and Gideon: -Opera glasses! (Point their opera glasses at each other and laugh) 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Gideon: Mabel, when I’m up here lookin’ down on all those little ol’ people, I feel like I’m king of all I survey. 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen with uncomfortable expressions while Mabel sighed and covered her face, that was the first red flag that something wasn't quite right with Gideon. 

I guess that makes you my queen!

Mabel: What? You are being so nice to me right now, quit it! (Smacks him in the stomach) 

Gideon: I can’t quit it. I am speaking from the heart. 

Mabel: From the where-now?

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Gideon: Mabel, I’ve never felt this close with anyone. So, so close. (Strokes Mabel’s hair and giggles) 

Dipper wraps his arm around Mabel’s shoulder when she shuddered. Everyone else was staring at the screen with creeped out expression. 

“Still think it's cute?” Allen asked and all Abigail could do was shake her head as she bit her lip uncomfortably. 

Mabel: (Pushes his hand away) Look Gideon, I um… 

Gideon: (Reaches to pet Mabel’s hair again and giggles) 

Everyone was beginning to feel creeped out now. 

Mabel: (Pushes his hand away again) I like you a lot, but let’s just be friends. 

Susan and Matthew nodded sharply in approval. 

Gideon: At least just give me a chance. Mabel, will you do me the honour of going on a date with me? 

Mabel: A play date? 

Gideon: (Shakes head) Mmnn. 

Mabel: A shopping date?

Gideon: Mmnn. It’ll just be one li’l ol’ date, I swear on my lucky bolo tie. 

Ford’s eyes widened in shock, where did that kid get that amulet!

“One date couldn’t hurt to much right?” Abigail said weakly and Allen just shook his head disapprovingly. 

Mabel: Ummm. Okay, then… I guess… 

Gideon: Mabel Pines, you have made me the happiest boy in the word! (Hugs Mabel) 

Mabel: Are you sniffing my hair? 

Nearly everyone shuddered at this while Dipper tightened his hold on Mabel. 

Cut to commercial break. 

Back at Mystery Shack, Mabel and Dipper are playing a video game. 

Mabel: It’s not a date-date, it’s just, you know, I don't want to hurt his feelings and so I figured I’d throw him a bone. 

“You never throw people like that a bone” Allen warned seriously and Mabel sighed as she nodded in agreement. 

Dipper: Mabel, guys don’t work that way. He’s gonna fall in love with you. 

Mabel: (Scoffs) Yeah right. I’m not that lovable. (Shoots Dipper in the game) Kaboom! Yes! 

Dipper: Okay, we agree on something here. 

Nearly everyone chuckled while Mabel elbowed Dipper’s side playfully. 

Doorbell rings, Mabel goes to answer the door. A horse busts through. 

“Jesus this kid is extra” Gillen remarked as he shook his head.

“Well if its the only date he’s getting I guess he would want to make it memorable” Justin tried to reason and Gillen sighed, a horse was still a bit much. 

Mabel: (Screams) 

Gideon: (Riding horse) A night of enchantment awaits, m’lady!

Mabel: Oh boy. 

Cut to an aquatic-themed restaurant, and then to the interior. Mabel and Gideon are sitting together at a booth. 

Susan and Matthew grumbled to themselves. 

Mabel: I can’t believe they let us bring a horse in here!

Gideon: Well, people have a hard time saying no to me. (Puts feet up on the table) 

Nearly everyone grew uncomfortable once again.

Jean-Luc: Ah, Monsieur Gideon! Ze feet on ze table! An excellent choice!

Gideon: Jean-Luc, what did we discuss about eye contact? 

Jean-Luc: (Looking away) Yes, yes, very good! (Backs away) 

“That is really creepy” Hillary said with wide eyes as she leaned away from the screen slightly, nearly everyone nodded in agreement. 

Mabel: I’ve never seen so many forks! And water with bubbles in it? Ooh lala, oui, oui!

Gideon: Oh! Parlez vous francais?!

Mabel: ...I have no idea what you’re saying. 

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

Cut to the Mystery Shack gift shop, where Stan is looking at a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together. 

Stan: Hey, hey! What the jackal is Mabel doing in the paper next to that crazy pickpocket Gideon?

Wendy: Oh, yeah, it’s like a big deal. Everybody’s talking about Gideon and Mabel’s big date tonight. 

Susan and Matthew grumbled at the reminder, they didn’t like the idea of their baby girl being on a date. 

Stan: WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great-niece!?

Soos: I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mabideon? Gideabel? (Gasps) Magidbeleon! 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Stan: (Exits) 

Dipper: I didn’t know! I didn’t hear about it and plus, I told her not to. 

Mabel snickered as she bumped her elbow into Dipper’s side playfully. 

Stan: (Re-enters, wearing his suit) Yeah, well it ends tonight. I’m going right down to that little skunk’s house; this is gonna stop RIGHT now! (Slams door) 

Susan and Matthew nodded in approval, finally, Stan was acting like a respectable caretaker. 

Soos: Dude, wouldn’t it be funny if that was a closet, and he had to come back out again and go out the real door? (Opens the door) Nope. Real door.

A few people snickered at this. 

Stan’s car skids to a halt in front of Gideon’s house. He drives his car up to Gideon’s house and skids to a halt in front. 

Stan: (He knocks on the door) Gideon, you little punk! Open up! (He reads the sign on the door that says “Please Pardon This Garden”) I will pardon NOTHING!

A bunch of people chuckled at his. 

Bud: (Opens the door) Why, Stanford Pines! What a delight!

“That was quite the mood swing” Sally remarked. 

Stan: Out of the way Bud, I’m looking for Gideon!

Bud: Well, I haven’t seen the boy around, but since you’re here, you simply must come in for coffee! (Pulls Stan inside) 

Stan: But-but I came-

“He is such a big guy” Jennifer muttered to herself. 

Stan: It’s imported! All the way from Colombia!

Stan: Wow… I went to jail there once. 

Nearly everyone gave Stan wide-eyed looks while he just chuckled to himself, their faces were hilarious. 

(Whistles) Some digs you got here. (Sees clown painting) Oh, this. This is beautiful. 

Bud: Now, I hear that your niece and my Gideon are, well, they’re singin’ in harmony lately so to speak!

Stan: Uh, yeah, and I’m against it. 

Susan and Matthew nodded in agreement. 

Nyah. (Knocks a pillow off the couch) 

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

Bud: No no no. I see it as a fantastic business opportunity. Yes, the Mystery Shack and the Tent of Telepathy. We’ve been at each other’s throats for far too- lemme get that. (Rips down a picture of Stan on a dartboard) 

Nearly everyone chuckled at this. 

We’ve been at each other’s throats for far too long, yes we have. This is our big chance to set aside our rivalry and pool our collective profit, you see. 

Susan and Matthew shared an uncomfortable look, they did not like the sound of this. 

Stan: (Clicks a cash register) I’m listening. 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Cut back to Gideon and Mabel in The Club. 

Gideon: ...And so I said “ Autograph your own headshot lady.” (Laughs) 

Mabel: (Nervously laughs) Yeah… (The lobster on her plate pinches her fork) 

“Why would they give you a live lobster?” Hillary questioned baffled. 

Gideon: Mabel, tonight’s date was a complete success. And tomorrow’s date promises to top this one in every way!

Allen frowned deeply at the screen, this is exactly what he thought would happen. 

Mabel: Whoa whoa, you said just one date, and this was it. 

Gideon: Hark! What a surprise! A red-crested South American rainbow macaw!

Macaw: (Flies in and lands on Gideon) 

“That bird is nearly as big as he is” Hannah remarked stunned. 

Mabel: (Screams and grabs the lobster) 

A bunch of people chuckled at this.

Gideon: ...two three four…


Gideon: (Shakes it violently) 

Margret frowned disapprovingly at this. 

Macaw: THURSDAY! (Coughs up a letter and flies away) 

Woman: Oh, so adorable. 

Chef: Gideon’s got a girlfriend. 

Gideon: They’re expectin’ us. Please say you’ll go. 

Mabel: Oh, Gideon. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to say-

Blubs: I’m on the edge of my seat. 

Allen sighed as he slumped into his seat slightly, he knew exactly what Gideon was trying to do and unfortunately it was probably going to work. 

Tyler: This is gonna be adorable.

Old Woman: If she says no, I’ll die from sadness. 

Doctor: I can verify that that will indeed happen. 

“Peer pressure is the worst” August groaned as they and everyone’s else caught onto what Gideon was doing. 

“Tell me about it” Mabel muttered as she slumped in her seat. 

People chattering. 

Cut back to the Shack. Mabel walks by Dipper as he’s reading his book. 

Dipper: Hey. How’d it go? 

Mabel: I don’t know… (Puts lobster in the tank) I have a lobster now. 

“Awe that’s kinda cute” Lucy said sweetly and Mabel grinned a little in agreement. 

Dipper: Well, at least it’s over and you’ll never have to go out with him again. (Pause) Mabel? It’s over, right? Mabel? 

Mabel: BLAARRGG! (Flails arms) He asked me out again and I didn’t know how to say no. 

Dipper: Like this: no. 

“Unfortunately it’s not always that easy” Hillary said sadly and a few people mumbled in agreement. 

Mabel: It’s not that easy, Dipper! And I do like Gideon, as a friend slash little sister, 

A few people snickered at this. 

So I didn’t want to hurt his feelings! I just need to get things back to where they used to be. You know, friends. 

Allen shook his head, he highly doubted that that would be the outcome of all of this. 

Out at night in the middle of the lake. Old Man McGucket is rowing a boat with Gideon and Mabel in it.

McGucket: Boat in the night! Boat in the night! (Laughs) 

A few people snickered at this. 

Mabel: Hah, you know I thought dancing was gonna be the end of the evening, right? 

Gideon: (Leans in) Don’t you want this evenin’ to last, my sweet? 

Nearly everyone shuddered. 

Mabel: (Recoils) NO! I mean yes. I mean I’m always happy to hang out with a friend, buddy, pal, chum, another word for friend…

McGucket: Pal?

Mabel: I already said pal, uh, mate? 

Gideon: How about soul mate? 

Nearly everyone shuddered once again. 

Fireworks appear that show the name “Mabel” within a heart. 

Allen shook his head sympathetically, it was going to take a lot of work for Mabel to get out of the web she had been tangled in. 

McGucket: Well, you can’t say no to that. 

Cut back to the shack, where Mabel is pacing. 

Mabel: ...I mean, he’s so nice, but… I can’t keep doing this. But I can’t break his heart. (Shouts) I have no way out!

“You have no choice but to break his heart if you want any hope of getting out of this” Allen said and Mabel sighed as she nodded, she should have just bit the bullet before it got too out of hand. 

Dipper: (Enters) What in the heck happened on that date? 

Mabel: I don’t know! I was in the friend zone, and then before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone. 

“I don’t think you were ever in the friend zone” Hillary remarked and Mabel huffed in agreement. 

It was like quicksand! Chubby quicksand!

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Dipper: Mabel, come on. It’s not like you’re gonna have to marry Gideon. 

Stan: (Enters) Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon!

“WHAT?!” Susan and Matthew shouted in horror. 

Mabel: WHAT?!

Stan: It’s all part of my long term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There’s a lot of cash tied up in this thing. 

“HOW DARE YOU!” Susan shrieked as she stomped over to Stan only for a purple light to stop her. 

“As messed up as what Stan did was I can’t afford to get blood on these seats” The voice remarked as the purple light forced Susan back into her seat where she crossed her arms angrily and glared hatefully at Stan alongside Matthew. 

Stan rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, he had really messed up making that deal with Bud without at least talking to Mabel about it. 

Plus I got this shirt. (Gestures to his “Team Gideon” shirt) Ugh, I am fat. 

Mabel: (Screams and runs out of the room) 

Stan: (Calling after her:) Bodies change, honey! Bodies change… 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: (Walks into the attic and sees Mabel hiding in her sweater) Oh no. Mabel… 

Mabel: Mabel’s not here. She’s in sweater town. 

Dipper: Are you gonna come out of sweater town? 

Mabel: (Whines and shakes her head) 

Nearly everyone gave her sympathetic looks at this. 

Dipper: Alright, enough is enough. If you can’t break up with Gideon, I’ll do it for you. 

Allen frowned at this, he had a feeling that that wouldn’t go over well with Gideon and if the uncomfortable expression on Dipper’s face was anything to go by he was correct in his assumptions. 

Mabel: (Peeks out of her sweater) You will? 

Dipper: (Nods) 

Mabel: (Playfully punches and hugs Dipper) Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

While a few people chuckled or awed Mabel wrapped her own arm around Dipper, she should have just broken up with Gideon herself and not put Dipper in such a dangerous situation. 

“I’m so sorry Dipper” Mabel mumbled sadly and Dipper just gave her a soft smile. 

“Don’t worry about it Mabel, neither of us had any way of knowing just how dangerous Gideon was” He said comfortingly but Mabel jut sighed and snuggled up into his side, she still felt guilty about it. 

Dipper: Alright.

Cut to The Club, where Gideon is sitting in a booth awaiting Mabel. Dipper enters, approaches Gideon and clears his throat. 

Dipper: Oh. Dipper Pines, how are you? You look good, you look good. 

Dipper shivered uncomfortably. 

Dipper: Thanks, you uh… Look, Gideon. We’ve got to talk. Mabel isn’t joining you tonight, she uh, she doesn’t want to see you anymore. (Laughs nervously) She’s uh. She’s kinda weirded out by you, no offence. 

“There’s probably more delicate ways to have gone about that” Abigail said tentatively. 

“Delicate won’t work on that kid” Allen said back as he watched the screen tensely, something was going to go wrong he could feel it. 

Gideon: (Eye twitches) So what you’re sayin’ is… you’ve… come between us. (Eye twitches again) 

Mabel clutched onto Dipper’s hand while a bunch of people shot Dipper worried looks. 

Dipper: You’re not gonna like, freak out or anything, are ya? 

Gideon: Of course not. These things happen. Bygones, you know. 

“That’s super suspicious” Gabriel muttered and Hillary and Lucy nodded in agreement. 

Dipper: So. Okay. Cool. Then again, sorry man, but uh, hey, thumbs up. Huh? (Backs away) 

“You are so awkward” August chuckled alongside a few others. 

Gideon: (In a whisper) Thumbs up indeed, my friend. 

Nearly everyone grew worried once again. 

Cut to the exterior of the restaurant, where Mabel is waiting for Dipper, who then exits the restaurant. 

Mabel: How’d it go? Was he mad? Did he try to read your mind with his psychic powers?

Dipper: Don’t worry, Mabel, he’s just a kid. He doesn’t have any powers. 

Ford frowned worriedly, as long as Gideon had that amulet he possed a great threat to the twins. 

Cut to Gideon’s bedroom later on. 

Gideon: (Breathing heavily) Dipper Pines, you don’t know what you’ve done! (Grabs his amulet and a candle starts to levitate and the light bulbs on his boudoir explode.

Nearly everyone stared at the screen in horror. 

Other things in the room begin to levitate) You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your life! (Throws the levitated objects on the ground)

Bud: (Opening the door) Gideon Charles Gleeful, clean up your room this instant!


Bud: …Fair enough. (Closes door) 

A few people let out started laughter while others just continued to stare at the screen in shocked horror. 

Gideon looks at a picture of Dipper and Mabel and burns away Dipper’s side of the picture. 

Dipper shuddered at this while his parents stared at the screen fearfully. 

Cut to Soos and the twins outside. Soos tucks a pillow under his shirt. 

Soos: Hit me, dude!

The twins charge at Soos’ stomach and bounce off, laughing. 

Soos: Feels good. 

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

Mabel: I’m so glad everything’s back to normal!

Telephone rings. 

Mabel: Your turn. 

Dipper: (Finishing the sentence about a second after Mabel:) Your turn. Aw, man… 

A few people chuckled at this. 

(Answers phone) Hello? 

Toby: (Over the phone:) Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. 

Dipper: Oh hey man. Sorry for accusing you of murder last week. 

Nearly everyone laughed at this. 

Toby: Water under the bridge! Say, we want to interview you about whether you’ve seen anything unUSUAL about this here TOWN since you’ve arrived. 

Dipper sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose, he had been so excited that he had walked himself right into a trap. 

Dipper: Oh, finally! I thought nobody would ever ask! I have notes and theories! (Listening) Uh huh, uh huh. (Writing as Toby tells him the address) 412 Gopher Road. Tonight? Got it. 

Cut to Toby Determined’s residence. Toby hangs up the phone. 

Toby: There. I did your dirty work. Now it’s time you pay YOUR end of the bargain!

Nearly everyone shot Dipper worried looks. 

Gideon: (Throws Toby a slip of paper) 

Toby: Ha! Shandra Jimenez’s phone number! Bless you, Li’l Gideon!

Dipper sighed as he shook his head, sold out for a god damn phone number. 

Cut to 412 Gopher Road. Dipper opens the warehouse door. 

Mabel squeezed Dipper’s hand worriedly, she couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if she hadn’t gotten there in time? She would have lost her brother and it would have been all her fault. Dipper squeezed Mabel’s hand reassuringly when he noticed how tense she was, she needed to stop blaming herself for this. He was the one who decided to confront Gideon, it's not like she forced him to do it.  

Dipper: (Voice echoing:) Hello? 

Dipper turns to leave, only for the door to slam shut. He bangs on the door and turns around when lights start turning on. Gideon swerves around in a swivel chair, petting a doll of himself. 

Nearly everyone started at the screen with uncomfortable expressions on their faces. 

Gideon: Hello friend. 

Dipper: Ughh, Gideon. 

Gideon: Dipper Pines. How long have you been livin’ in this town? A week, two? You like it here? Enjoy the scenery? 

Dipper: What do you want from me, man? 

Gideon: Listen carefully, boy. This town has secrets you couldn’t begin to comprehend!

Both sets of Pines Twins snorted at this. 

Dipper: Is this about Mabel? I told you, she’s not into you!

Gideon: LIAR! YOU turned her against me! 

Allen shot Dipper a worried look, this was going to turn nasty real soon. 

(Grabs amulet and walks towards Dipper) She was my peach dumplin’!

“I was no such thing” Mabel said as she stuck her nose up in the air in a haughty fashion and Dipper covered his face with his other hand to muffle his snickers. 

Dipper: Uh, you okay, man? 

Gideon: (Levitates Dipper and throws him into a pile of merchandise) 

Toy Gideon: Howdy!

Gideon: Redin’ minds isn’t all I can do. 

Dipper: But-but you’re a fake. 

“I don’t know about you but that looked pretty damn real to me” Alice remarked and nearly everyone nodded in agreement. 

Gideon: Oh tell me, Dipper: is this fake? (Levitates all the merchandise) 

Cut to Mabel outside of the Mystery Shack, thinking and chewing her hair. 

Heather scrunched up her nose in disgust. 

Wendy: (Walks outside and sits next to Mabel) How’s that hair tastin’, buddy? 

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Mabel: Wendy, I need some advice. You’ve broken up with guys, right? 

Wendy: Oh yeah: Russ Durham, Eli Hall, Stoney Davidson… 

Mabel: I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I thought everything was back to normal, but I still feel all gross. 

Wendy: ...Mike Worley, Nate Holt, oh, that guy with the tattoos… 

Mabel: Maybe letting Dipper do it for me was a mistake. Gideon deserves an honest breakup. 

“Yeah, probably but I don’t think nows the best time” Julian remarked, that just might make Gideon hate Dipper more. 

Wendy: …Danny Feldman, Mark Epston… 

“What a slut” Heather scoffed only to tense up when Dipper whirled around with a furious expression on his face. 

“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK OF HER LIKE THAT!” He snapped furiously and all Heather could do was stare at him fearfully as she nodded in understanding. Dipper continued to glare at her for a few minutes before he turned back around. 

Heather slumped into her seat and took in a couple of deep breaths, who knew Dipper could be so scary? But it wasn’t just his raw anger that had scared her, it had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared but for the briefest of moments Dipper’s eyes had been gold. And that alone chilled her to her bones.

Oh man, I’m not sure I ever actually broke up with him. No wonder he keeps calling me.

A couple of people chuckled at this. 

Mabel: I know what I’ve gotta do. Thanks for talking to me, Wendy. (Runs to get a bike and rides off on it) 

Wendy: (Takes out her ringing cell phone) Ignore. 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Cut to Dipper is running away from the merchandise being thrown at him. Gideon laughs evilly and moves a cabinet to smash Sipper. Dipper jumps out of the way and hits his head on a wall. 

Susan and Matthew gasp fearfully. 

Dipper: Grunkle Stan was right about you, you ARE a monster!

Stan nodded in agreement as he watched the screen tensely. 

Gideon: Your sister will be mine! (Laughs evilly and pulls the string of one of his dolls, making it laugh evilly) 

Dipper: (Grabs a baseball bat and gets up) 

Gideon: (To the doll:) Who’s a cute little guy? You are!

Toy Gideon: No you are!

Dipper shouts and charges at Gideon with the bat. 

“You are so quick to start fighting, it’s kinda cool” Lucy remarked and Dipper smiled while his parents shared an uncomfortable look. 

Gideon levitates Dipper ad he drops the bat. 

Nearly everyone tensed up worriedly. 

Dipper: She’s never gonna date you, man!

Gideon: That’s a lie. (Looks at a box of lamb shears) And I’m gonna make sure you never lie to me again, friend. (Levitates the lamb shears) 

Horrified expression appeared on nearly everyone’s faces, Susan let out a choked sob as she and Matthew stared at the screen fearfully. 

Mabel: (Runs to the window from outside and sees Dipper and Gideon. Opens door) Gideon! We have to talk!

Gideon: M-Mabel. My marshmalla. (Drops the shears) 

A few people let out sighs of relief while others stayed tense.  

What are you doin’ here? 

Mabel: I’m sorry Gideon, but I can’t be your marshmallow. I needed to be honest and tell you that myself. 

Gideon: I-I don’t understand. (Squeezes the amulet, therefore squeezing Dipper in midair) 

“Now is really not the best time for this” Emilia remarked worriedly and Mabel squeezed Dipper’s hand to remind her that he was alive and safe. 

Dipper: (While choking:) Uh, Mabel!? This probably isn’t the best time to be brutally honest with him!

A few people nodded in agreement. 

Mabel: Hey, but we can still be makeover buddies, right? Wouldn’t you like that? 

“Are you serious?” Gabriel shouted in disbelief. 

Gideon: Really?

Mabel: No, not really! (Pulls off Gideon’s amulet and Dipper falls) You were like, attacking my brother, what the heck?!

Nearly everyone cheered in approval at this. 

Gideon: My tie! Give it back! (Mabel throws the amulet to Dipper) 

Dipper: Ha! (Catches it) Not so powerful without this, are you? 

Gideon: (Screams and charges at Dipper, making him drop the amulet and breaking through the window) 

“Dipper!” Susan and Matthew screamed fearfully while Mabel squeezed Dipper’s hand even tighter, he just squeezed back comfortingly. 

Mabel: Dipper!

Dipper and Gideon scream. Gideon slaps Dipper and the two start slapping each other and then start screaming again. Mabel, who s holding the mystic amulet, levitates the two of them and then floats down. 

Nearly everyone let out sighs of relief. 

Mabel: Listen, Gideon, it’s over. I will never, ever, date you. 

Dipper: Yeah!

Mabel: (Drops them and throws the amulet to the ground, breaking it) 

Ford nodded in approval, it was for the best that the amulet got destroyed. 

Gideon: MY POWERS! Oh, this isn’t over. This isn't the last you’ll see of wittle… ol’ me! (Walks into the dark forest) 

A few people shared worried looks at this. 

Cut to the Gleeful residence. 

Stan: (Finishes signing papers) 

Susan and Matthew shoot him nasty glares at the reminder of what he was doing. 

Ah, this is livin’, brother. (Knocks on the clown painting) 

Bud: From now on it’s all name brand foods and lown paintings. (Gideon storms in; to Gideon:) Well, hey, Gideon! Why, look who I-

Gideon: (Stands on the coffee table) Stanford Pines, I rebuke thee! 

Stan: Rebuke? Is that a word? 

Gideon: The entire Pines’ family have invoked my fury! You will pay recompense for your transgressions!

Nearly everyone grew uncomfortable at this. 

Stan: What, you got a word-a-day calendar or something? 

  A few people chuckled at this. 

Bud: Apbap bap but-but sunshine? (Laughs nervously) What about our arrangement with Mabel and- 

Gideon: SILENCE! 

Bud: Well, uh, I see that he’s takin’ to one of his rages again. Eh, sorry Stan, I have to side with Gideon on this one. Rips up the contract) 

Susan and Matthew nodded in approval while Mable slumped in relief. 

Stan: Okay, okay. I can see when I’m not wanted. (Grabs the clown painting and starts to leave) 

Bud: Stan, I’m-I’m sorry but I’m gonna need that painting back! Stan? STAN!

Stan: (Running away) TRY AND CATCH ME, SUCKERS! 

A bunch of people laughed at this.  

Cut back to the Mystery Shack, where Stan is hanging up the clown paining and the twins are a mess. 

Stan: I coulda had it all. 

Susan and Matthew scowled at this. 

(Looks at the twins) What the heck happened to you two? 

Mabel: Gideon.

Dipper: Gideon.

Stan: Gideon.  Yeah, the little mutant “swore vengeance” on the whole family. Ha, I guess he’s gonna try to nibble my ankles or somethin’. 

Dipper: Oh, yeah. Yeah, how’s he gonna destroy us now, huh? 

“Yeah without his amulet he’s not very dangerous” Abigail remarked in relief while Dipper and Mabel shared an uncomfortable look, there was a lot Gideon could do without his amulet. 

Try to guess what number we’re thinking of? (Laughs) 

Mabel: He’ll never guess what number I’m thinking of. NEGATIVE EIGHT! No one would guess a negative number. 

“She's not wrong” Penny remarked in amusement while a bunch of people laughed. 

All: (Laughing) 

Stan: Uh oh. He’s plannin’ on destruction right now! (Laughs and lays on top of the twins) 

In Gideon’s room. He’s making dolls of the Pines family. 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen with creeped out expressions. 

Gideon: (Playing with the Mabel doll:) Gideon, I still love you. If on;y my family weren’t in the way. 

Mabel shuddered uncomfortably. 

(Picks up the Stan doll and imitates Stan:) Look at me. I’m old, and I’m smelly. (Finishes the Dipper doll, mocking Dipper:) Hey, what are you gonna do without your precious amulet? (Regular voice:) Oh, you’ll see boy… (Closes Journal 2) You’ll see… 

While nearly everyone stared at the screen in shock Ford frowned grimly, he did not like the idea of his Journal being used against his family. 

Cut to end credits with Dipper, Mabel and Soos is facing away from the screen and Mabel is doing something to him. 

Soos: You done? 

Mabel: Not yet. 

Soos: How about now? 

Mabel: Almost. And… there. 

Soos: (Turns around, covered in sequins) 

A few peoples eyes widened at this. 

Let’s do this. 

Mabel turns the lights off and Dipper shines a flashlight on Soos, causing the room to light up like a disco ball. Stan is there, having seen this all unfold. 

Stan: You’re all fired. 

Everyone chuckled at this. 

“I think nows a good time to stop for a lunch break” The voice remarked as there was a white flash and tables filled with food appeared a the back of the room. 

“Go and enjoy some food” They said and a bunch of people started getting up to get food. 

“Hey! Why can’t we get up!?” Susan shouted as she and Matthew struggled to get out of their seats. The voice let out an unimpressed huff at their fruitless struggling. 

“I would like Dipper and Mabel to be able to eat in peace without you two smothering them, so you’ll be staying in your seats” They said and in a grey flash of light plates of food appeared on their laps. They scowled unhappily before they started eating. 

“I just realized we never learned your name” Mabel suddenly said and there was a beat of silence before the voice responded. 

“You may call me Vigil” They said in a slightly pleased tone of voice and Mabel beamed happily before she went to get some food alongside Dipper. 

Chapter Text

“Hey, Mabel can we talk for a minute?” Allen asked as he approached the twins who shared a brief glance before Dipper nodded and continued his way to the food table while Mabel looked up at Allen with a bright smile on her face.

“What’s up Allen?” She asked curiously as she tilted her head to the side.

“I wanted to talk to you about Gideon if that’s okay?” He asked softly and she gave him a confused.

“I guess? What do you want to know?” She asked as he crouched down so that he was closer to her height.

“I know that this stuff has happened quite a bit ago and it’s possible you’ve already gotten over it, but I just wanted to let you know that as someone who has gone through something similar I’ll be there if you ever need to talk or even just rant about the experience” He said comfortingly and Mabel blinked at him in surprise.

“You had a creepy possessive stalker?” She asked worriedly and he nodded as he pointed at someone, she glanced over and saw a girl with poofy blonde hair chatting away with a bunch of other girls.

“Her names Molly Tamsin and during middle school she was convinced that we were going to get married, despite the fact that we had never shared a single conversation at that” He explained and Mabel hummed in understanding.

“She used to be pretty shy so she mostly just followed me around and left notes in my locker, I tried to let her down gently but as I’m sure you’ve noticed that doesn’t exactly go well” He remarked and Mabel huffed as she nodded in agreement, he turned back to look at her with a slight smile before it dropped.

“Things took a nasty turn when I started dating Elliott in high school, she left him threatening notes, tried hiring people to hurt him and even sent him a pizza laced with rat poison” He said and Mabel’s eyes widened horrified.

“That’s horrible!” She gaped and Allen nodded in agreement.

“Thankfully Elliott’s not an idiot and didn’t eat the pizza but things just kept getting worse, I wanted to take her to court but my mother would have none of that” He said as he rolled his eyes, Mabel furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

“Why wouldn’t let you?” She asked and huffed as he sent his mother a side glare.

“She thought, and still thinks, that me being with Elliott is wrong and figured that if Molly stayed in my line of sight that I would eventually get together with her instead” He said in a disgusted tone of voice and Mabel shot her own glare at his mother.

“That’s awful” She huffed and Allen nodded in agreement before a soft smile appeared on his face.

“Thankfully my dad was on my side and he gave her parents a very stern talking to, and while she’s stopped doing ant obvious stuff I’m not convinced I’ve seen the last of her possessive behaviour” He said and Mabel frowned as she glanced back at Molly who was staring at Elliot with an unreadable look in her eyes.

“I think your right” She mumbled as she glanced back at Allen who was staring at Molly as well with an uncomfortable expression on his face, Mabel bit her lip as she tried to think of something to lighten the mood.

“We can be creepy stalker survivours together” She finally said cheerfully and Allen chuckled as he glanced back at her with a smile on his face.

“Sounds like a plan” He said in amusement as he lifted his fist for a fist bump and Mable grinned brightly as she bumped his fist.

“Come on let’s go eat” He said as he stood up and Mabel grinned as she followed him over to where Dipper was having a very passionate conversation with August as Elliott watched on in amusement.

“Hey bro-bro, miss me?” Mabel chirped as she jumped up onto his back, Dipper started slightly before he huffed and shrugged her off of him with an amused look on his face while Allen, Elliott and August laughed.

“Hey babe” Allen said as he kissed Elliott’s cheeking earning him a shy blush from the man as well as cooing from Mable and exaggerated gagging from August.

“So what were you two talking about?” Mabel asked as she glanced between Dipper and August who suddenly had wicked expressions on their faces.

“Were planning a prank” August said eagerly and Mabel gasped in shock as she looked at her brother.

“Dipper Pines? Pranking? Why I never!” She said dramatically earning her an amused eye roll from Dipper as he elbowed her side.

“So who are you pranking?” She asked and both of their grins widened slightly.

“Heather” Dipper said and Mabel left a smirk a appear on her own face.

“Count me in” She said excitedly as she bounced in place, August and Dipper pulled her into a huddle as they discussed the prank. Elliott and Allen watched the trio in amusement.

“Should we stop them?” Elliott asked but Allen just laughed as he shook his head.

“Let them have their fun” He said in amusement and Elliott chuckled in agreement.

Chapter Text

After everyone finished eating they returned to their seats, Dipper, Ford and Emilia picked up the notebooks so that they could work on the next code. Susan and Matthew were still grumbling over the fact that they couldn’t get up as the next episode started playing. 

Opens to Gompers baaing at the rooftop pf the Mystery Shack; 

“Why is that goat always there?” Willow asked and Stan shrugged. 

“He kinda just showed up one day and no matter what I did I could not get him to leave” He explained and she nodded in understanding. 

Cuts to Dipper and Mabel in the shack, Mabel is sitting on a spinning globe. 

Dipper: Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? 

Mabel: I believe you’re a big dork! Ha ha ha!

Dipper: (Puts pencil against globe, making Mabel fall off) 

A bunch of people chuckled at this while Mable elbowed Dipper’s side playfully. 

“Dipper Pines you could have really hurt your sister” Matthew scolded, Dipper and Mabel just rolled their eyes. 

Stan: (Enters from outside)  Soos! Wendy!

Soos: (Runs up, panting) What’s up, Mr. Pines! 

Stan: I’m headin’ out. You two are gonna wash the bathrooms, right? 

A few people scrunched their nose up in disgust at the thought. 

Soos: Yes, sir!

Wendy: Absolutely not!

A bunch of people laughed at this while Stan rolled his eyes in fond exasperation. 

Stan: Ha ha! Yout stay out of trouble! (Leaves) 

Wendy: Hey guys! What’s this? (Unveils curtain) A secret ladder to the truth? 

Soos: Uh, I don’t think Mr. Pines would like that. 

Wendy: Huh? 

Soos: Uhhhhh.

Wendy: Huh? 

Soos: You’re freaking me out, dude!

A bunch of people chuckled at this. 

Dipper: Can we actually go up there? 

“You’ve already been on the roof though?” Lucy questioned and Dipper hummed. 

“Yeah but that was when I was trying to stay alive not just relax” He explained and she nodded in understanding. 

Wendy: Sure we can! Roof time! Roof time!

Dipper and Mabel: Roof time! Roof time!

Soos: (Looks out window) Uhhhh. 

“Poor Soos” Abigail said sympathetically. 

Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy: (Walk over roof to Wendy’s spot) 

Wendy: Alright, check it out!

Dipper and Mabel: Woah!

Dipper: Cool! Did you put all this stuff up here? 

Wendy: I may or may not sneak up here during work, all the time every day. 

“How hasn’t she been fired?” Jennifer muttered to her friends who huffed and nodded in agreement. 

(Throws pine cone, it hits a target on a totem pole) Yes!

Dipper: Cool!

Mabel: Me first!

Dipper and Mabel: (Throw pine cones) 

Dipper: (Hits a car; the car alarm goes off) (Blushes) 

A few people wince while others chuckle. 

Wendy: Jackpot! High five. (Holds up hand)  … Don’t leave me hangin’. 

Dipper groaned as he used his notebook to cover his face while Mabel snickered. 

Dipper and Wendy: (High five) 

Wendy: Oh hey, it’s my friends!

Thompson: (Pulls up in a car. Thompson waves hand out window) 

Nate: Wendy!

Wendy: Hey, you guys aren’t going to tell Stan about this, are you? 

Dipper: (Zips lips) 

Wendy: (Zips lips) 

Dipper smiled softly at the familiar gesture before he refocused on the code, only for him Ford and Emilia to start chuckling when they cracked it. 

“What’s it say?” Mabel asked curiously. 

“Carla, Why Won’t You Call Me?” Dipper said through his chuckles and a bunch of people laughed as well. 

Later dorks! (Slides down trees and gets into the car) 

Allen perked up curiously at this. 

“No” Elliott said quickly and Allen pouted as he crossed his arms childishly earning him a fond eye roll from Elliott. 

Nate: Let’s get out of here! (Drives away) 

Dipper: Later Wendy! Heh heh heh! Good times!

Susan and Matthew frowned, they did not like the looks of this. 

Mabel: Uh, oh!

Dipper: What? 

Mabel: (Poking Dipper) Somebody’s in love!

Susan and Matthew’s frowns grew. 

Dipper: Yeah, right! I just think Wendy’s cool, okay? It’s not like I lie awake at night thinking about her!

(Cut to Dipper in bed at night, wide awake) 

A bunch of people burst out laughing while Dipper groaned and covered his face once again. 

“Dipper Pines, that girl is far too old for you!” Susan scolded but Dipper didn’t bother responding to her. 

Dipper: Uh-oh. 

(Cuts to theme song) 

(Cuts to inside Mystery Shack) 

Mabel: Random dance party for no reason! (Dances) 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Wendy: (Dances) Go! Go! Go! Go! 

Dipper: (Writing:) I am pretending to write something down. 

“You are such a dork” Mabel laughed as she elbowed his side while a bunch of other people laughed. 

Wendy: Dipper!

Dipper: (Throws clipboard and catches it) Uh what, yes? 

“Your a disaster” Hillary said in amusement and Mabel practically cackled in agreement while Dipper just huffed grumpily. 

Wendy: Aren’t ya gonna get in on this? 

Dipper: I don’t really dance. 

Mabel: Yeah, you do! Mom used to dress him up in a lamb costume and make him do… (Whispering to Wendy:) The Lamby Dance!

Susan smiled fondly at the memory while Dipper groaned and used the hood of his sweater to try and hide. If Mabel can go to sweater town then so can he! 

Dipper: (Angrily to Mabel:) Now is not the time to talk about the Lamby Dance. 

“No I think now is the best time to talk about the Lamby Dance” Gabriel said with a smirk on his face. Dipper buried himself further into his sweater while Mabel winced, telling Wendy was one thing but this theatre was filled with tons of people who would use this against Dipper. 

Wendy: Lamb costume? Wow, is there like little ears and a tail or…?

Dipper: Well uh, uh… 

Mabel: (Holds up picture) Dipper would prance around and sing a song about grazing. 

While someone people laughed others awed at the cute picture and Dipper was trying to become one with his sweater and the couch. Meanwhile, Susan clasped her hands together and let out a happy little sigh at the picture. 

Wendy: (Cuckoo clock goes off) Hey, look at that! Quittin’ time! The gang’s waitin’ for me.

Dipper: Wait! Why don’t I- or we come with you? 

Wendy: Ooh... I don’t know. My friends are pretty intense. How old did you guys say you are? 

Dipper: We’re thirteen! So, technically a teen. 

Susan and Matthew frowned disapprovingly. 

Wendy: All right. I like your moxie, kid! Let me get my stuff. (Leaves) 

Mabel: Since when are we thirteen? Is this a leap year? 

“That’s not how that works dear” Sally said in slight amusement and Mabel hummed in understanding. 

Dipper: Come on, Mabel. This is our chance to hang out with, you know, the cool kids. And Wendy and whatever. 

Mabel: I knew it! You love her! (Dances around Dipper, points at him and sings:) Love love love love love!

Dipper groaned while his parent's frowns grew. 

Dipper: Oh hey, what’s that? (Points) 

Mabel: Huh? 

Dipper: (Flips Mabel’s hair over her face) 

Mabel: (Through hair) Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. 

While a bunch of people laughed Dipper poked his head out of his sweater to smirk at Mabel who just blew a raspberry at him in retaliation. 

(Cut to teens outside) 

Thompson: (A jelly bean hits Thompson in the face) Hurry up!

Lee and Nate: (Holding up Thompson) In the belly! In the belly! (Another jelly bean hits Thompson in the stomach) In the belly! In the belly!

A few people chuckled at this while a few others wrinkled their noses up in disgust. 

Robie: (Gets ready to throw jelly bean) 

(Bean hits Thompson in the belly button) 

Robbie: (Looks at his bean in confusion) 

(Shows that Wendy was the one who threw the bean; Wendy straightens up from her throwing position, smiling) 

"Good aim" Someone muttered offhandedly. 

Wendy’s friends: Wendy!

Nate: Wendy! Wendy!  

Wendy: Hey guys! These are my pals from work, Mabel and Dipper. 

Mabell: I chewed my gum so it looks like a brain! BLAH! (Sticks out her tongue, which has a wad of gum on it) 

A few people cringe in disgust at this. 

Dipper: She’s not much for first impressions. (Points at himself) Unlike this guy!... this guy… 

“You are so awkward” Allen chuckled alongside a few others while Dipper just sighed.

  Robbie: So are you, like, babysitting, or-

Wendy: Come on, Robie! Guys, this is Lee and Nate. 

Lee and Nate: (Punch each other and laugh) 

Wendy: Tambry. 

Tambry: (Texting) Hey… 

Wendy: Thompson, who once ate a runover waffle for 50 cents. 

“That’s disgusting” Heather said and almost as soon as she said it a bucket of lime green jello and chocolate pudding fell from the ceiling and landed on top of her. She let out an ear-piercing shriek while Dipper, Mabel and August shared wicked grins. 

“WHO DID THIS?!” Heather shrieked as she tried to shake off the jello and pudding but nearly everyone was to busy laughing to answer her. 

“Come here darling let me help” Valerie Oscar, Heather's mother, said and Heather quickly rushed to her mother's side. 

“Hey! You mysterious voice person! Fix this right now!” Valerie demanded as she tried to wipe off the jello and pudding, a slight chill filled the room. 

“I have a name and I think she deserves her punishment” Vigil said coldly and Valerie let out a highly offended noise. 

“My baby girl has done nothing wrong!” She shrieked just as loudly as her daughter had, a bunch of people winced at this if those two kept this up they were all going to go deaf. 

“I demand that the person responsible for this be punished!” Gerald Oscar, Heather's father, shouted angrily and Vigil made an unimpressed sound. 

“How about you share her punishment instead” They said in amusement as lime green jello and chocolate pudding fell from the ceiling and landed on Gerald and Valerie, who both shouted in disgust and started complaining alongside their daughter.  

“Oh, will you shut up!” Jason Cross, Valerie’s brother, snapped and the three of them went to shout at him only to find that they couldn’t make any sound. 

“The shouting was getting on my nerves, so for the rest of the episode you three will remain silent” Vigil said tiredly before going silent once again, the whole Oscar family crossed their arms and grumbled silently to themselves. 

“Thank gods” Robin Cross, Jason’s partner, muttered in relief and a bunch of people made sounds of agreement. 

“So I’d say that that prank was a success” August said to the twins who snickered in agreement. Stan, who had overheard the conversation, covered his mouth to hide the proud smile on his face, he was so proud of those little shits 

Thompson: Don’t tell them that!

Wendy: And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. 

Robbie: Yeah, I’m the guy spray-painted the water tower. 

Dipper: Oh, you mean the big muffin!

Robbie: Um, it’s a giant explosion. 

Everyone: (Looks at water tower) 

“It does look like a muffin” Elliott remarked and a few people snickered in agreement. 

Lee: Hehe! Kinda does look like a muffin!

Lee and Nate: (Laugh) 

Robbie: (Glares at Dipper) 

“Someone's ego just got bruised” Allen snickered alongside a few others. 

Wendy: Let’s hurry it up, guys. I got big plans for tonight!

Everyone: (Gets into the car) 

Dipper: (Goes over to the passenger seat and sees Robbie there)

Robbie: Sorry kid, I’ll ride shotgun alright? 

Dipper rolled his eyes at this, Robbie was such a petty bastard. 

Dipper: (Gets into the back with Mabel) 

  Thompson: Okay just, before we go, my mom said you guys aren’t allowed to punch the roof anymore, so…

Teens except Thompson: (Punches roof) Thompson! Thompson! Thompson! 

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

“Poor guy” Abigail said sympathetically. 

Thompson: (Drives the car) 

Mabel: (Takes pen from Dipper, crosses out, “You stink!” on her door, writes “You look nice today!”) (Speaking:) Ha! This is gonna blow someone’s mind!

Mabel huffed slightly while Dipper snickered. 

Dipper: Mabel, please!

Mabel: What, am I embarrassing you in front of your new GIRLFRI-

Dipper: (Slaps hand over Mabel’s mouth; pulls it away) Ugh! Did you just lick my hand? 

A few people snickered at this. 

(Cut to Stan sitting in front of TV)

TV announcer: You’re watching the black and white period piece old lady boring movie channel!

“That’s a channel?” Jason questioned which only earned him a bunch of shrugged shoulders from everyone. 

Stan: Kids! I can’t find the remote and I refuse to stand up!

“Mood” August snickered alongside a few others. 

Tv announcer: Stay tuned for the Friday night movie, The Duchess Approves, starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as “The Duchess” and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain “Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire!”

Stan: KIDS!

A bunch of people laughed at this.

(The Duchess Approves begins) 

Stan: NO! NOOOO! 

Now everyone was laughing, none louder then Ford and the twins. 

(Cut to the teens and the twins standing in front of the Dusk 2 Dawn fence) 

Wendy: There it is, fellas! The condemned Dusk 2 Dawn!

Susan and Matthew frowned, they didn’t like where this was going. 

Lee and Nate: Ha! Cool!

Mabel: Neato!

Dipper: Why’d they shut it down, was it like a health code violation, or-


A few people gasped at this. 

Lee: Some folks died in there, the place has been haunted ever since!

Susan and Matthew immediately grew worried. 

Mabel: This town has such a colourful history!

A couple of people snickered at this. 

Dipper: Wha… Are you guys serious?

Wendy: Yeah! We’re all gonna die! Chill out man! (punches Dipper friendly) It’s not as bad as it looks. 

Susan and Matthew made sounds of disagreement. 

(Fast forward to everyone over the fence but Dipper and Lee. Dipper is straddling the fence) 

Wendy: Come on, Dipper!

Dipper: Okay Okay! Just gotta get a foothold…

Robbie: Dude, your sister did it!

Dipper sighed and sunk back into his seat. 

Mabel: (Running on the ground sideways in a circle) WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Lee: (Climbs up behind Dipper) Hey, you know what. Just… There you go. (Throws Dipper off the fence) Ha! S-sorry dude!

Susan and Matthew glared angrily at the screen. 

Nate: Good job throwing the kid off the fence, genius!

Lee: Your mom’s a genius...

Wendy: (Looks in the window of the store) Wow! This place is amazing!

“It’s just a convince store, how amazing can it possibly be?” Hillary questioned. 

“I think it’s because it hasn’t been touched in years” Lucy remarked and Hillary tilted her head to the side thoughtfully before nodding in agreement. 

Robbie: (Tries to open door) I think it’s, it’s stuck!

Dipper: Let me take a crack at it!

Robbie: Oh yeah. I can’t get in, but I’m sure Junior is gonna break it down like Hercules!

A small smirk appeared on Dipper’s face. 

Wendy: Come on, leave him alone. He’s just a little kid. 

A few people shot Dipper sympathetic look but he just continued to smirk at the screen.

Dipper: (Walks around to dumpster; jumps up on it) 

“What are you planning?” Allen questioned curiously while Susan and Matthew watched on worriedly.  

Tambry: Kid, what are you doing? 

Dipper: (Walks up the roof to the vents; punches it) 

Mabel: Go Dipper! Punch that metal thing!

Dipper: (Punches the vent cover into the vents;

“How?!” A bunch of people shouted in disbelief. 

“How are you so strong?” Robin questioned and Dipper gave them a confused look. 

“I’m really not that strong it was-” He tried to say only to be cut off by Gabriel scoffing. 

“Bullshit! You just punched a metal vent open!” He snapped before he reached over the couch so that he could grab Dipper’s arm and hold it up to inspect it for some kind of muscle. 

“It was just an old vent” Dipper tried to reason but Gabriel was having none of it as he continued to search for muscles. 

“Have you noticed how often Dipper seems to be resorting to violence?” Susan whispered worriedly to Matthew who had a grim look on his face. 

“I have and it’s worrying” He whispered back and Susan bit her lip worriedly as she glanced back at Dipper who was trying to yank his arm out of Gabriel’s grip. 

“Can you let go now?” Dipper grumbled as he tried to yank his arm away but Gabriel grip was to tight. 

“How can a string bean like you be so strong” Gabriel grumbled and Dipper sighed before he yanked at his arm again but this time with all his might which didn’t work as well as he had hoped. All he managed to do was pull Gabriel up over the couch which leads to both of them sprawling onto the floor. 

Dipper blinked up at Gabriel who was sprawled over him in surprise, Gabriel blinked back equally surprised before a scowl appeared on his face. He shoved Dipper roughly as he pushed himself up and stormed back to his seat. Dipper sat up with a confused expression on his face, he glanced at Mabel but she was to busy giggling uncontrollably to be of any help. 

Eventually, he got up and returned to his seat, though he was still very confused about what just happened. 

Walks inside) 

Wendy: Hey Dipper, take it easy!

Robbie: Who wants to bet he doesn’t make it? 

Dipper: (Walks outdoor; gestures for everyone to go inside) 

A couple of people cheered in approval at this. 

Lee: Good call inviting this little maniac!

Dipper smiled proudly to himself. 

Nate: Your new name is Dr. Funtimes!

Mabel: (High fives Dipper) 

Wendy: (Punches Dipper friendly) Nice work!

Dipper: (Skips inside after everyone else)

A few people snickered at this while Dipper blushed a little bit. 

Thompson: Do you guys really think it’s haunted?

Nate: Na! Thompon are you kidding me? 

(The sign mysteriously turns from “Yes, we’re open” to “Get lost! We're closed.” Commercial break) 

A bunch of people tensed worriedly.

Wendy: Whoa man, it’s even creepier than I imagined!

Mabel: (Wipes dust off change slot. Licks the dust off her finger) Yep it’s dust. 

A bunch of people cringed at this. 

Dipper: (Wipes dust off newspaper) 

Lee: Hey dude, where do you think they keep the dead bodies? 

Nate: (Shoves Lee) Shut up, man!

Wendy: Guys, check it out! You think these still work? (Turns on lights) 

“That’s cool” Lucy remarked.

Teens: (Muttering positive things about the store) 

Mabel: Jackpot!

Dipper: So, what are we going to do now?

Wendy: Anything we want.

(Everyone throws food at each other, then, they sit in a circle and pop mints into a Pit Cola bottle; it explodes and everyone cheers) 

“How is any of that food still good?” Alice questioned and a few people shrugged. 

Mabel: (Runs around corner) Oh my Gosh! Smile Dip! 

Mabel hissed at the screen startling everyone. 

“Evil!” She growled as she pretended to scratch at the screen earning her confused looks from everyone and a chuckle from Dipper as he patted her back comfortingly. 

I thought this stuff was banned in America!

Dipper: Maybe they had a good reason.

Mabel whined as she nodded in agreement. 

(Gets hit by a balloon full of food. Runs off) 

Mabel: (Puts the stick into the Smile Dip. Looks at the stick, then pours the entire package into he mouth)

“Mabel that is so unhealthy!” Matthew scolded and Mabel as she nodded in agreement. 

“I know dad, trust me I will never do it again” She promised and Matthew nodded in approval. 

(Wendy and Dipper are eating ice pops on a shelf) 

“How hasn’t that melted or gone bad?” Horace questioned but no one had an answer. 

Nate: (Offscreen:) Hey come here we got it ready!

Thompson: Whatever it is I’ll do it!

Wendy: (Laughs) Thompson! Dipper, this night is like, legendary. 

Dipper: Really?

Wendy: Just look around. The guys are bonding. 

Robbie and Nate: (Stuff ice down Thompson’s pants)

A few people chuckled at this. 

Wendy: I’ve never even seen Tambry look up from her phone this long. 

Tambry: (Looks up from her phone for a second) 

“That wasn’t very long” Willow remarked unimpressed. 

“It is for her” Dipper said in amusement. 

Wendy: And your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. 

Mabel: Ugh, maybe I’ve had too much. What do you think? 

Cut to Mabel’s hallucination, she is in a valley that changes colours, and crazy pop music plays in the background. 

Flavour pup: Elknurg… tcurtsed… tsum

Everyone stared at Mabel with wide eyes while she just groaned. 

Flavour pup #2: Would you like to eat my candy paw?

Mabel: Of course you little angel! (Grabs the paw and chews it) 

Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air. 

“And this is why you don’t do drugs kids” Allen remarked in amusement and a few people snorted in agreement. 

Wendy: You know Dipper, I wasn’t sure if you could hang with our crew at first, but you’re surprisingly mature for your age. 

Dipper: Yes, yes I am. (Smears ice cream on face) 

Dipper blushed while a bunch of people laughed. 

Lee: Hey guys! We need more ice! (Shows Lee shaking a bag of ice over Thompson’s pants) 

Dipper: I’m on it! (Jumps off the shelf and walks over to an ice freezer. He takes a bag of ice, but looks up to see some sort of Cooler Monster) Aah!

A bunch of people screamed in shock while others just jumped in surprise. 

(Drops the ice and closes the door; he gasps and looks back at the door; he slowly opens the door again but the Cooler Monster is not there) 

Nearly everyone let out sighs of relief. 

Lee: What was that? I thought I heard some lady screaming back here. 

Dipper huffed while a few people snickered.  

Nate: You freakin’ out, kid? 

Dipper: Uh, no. I’m cool. Everything’s cool. 

Robbie: Then what’s all this about? (Points to the spilled ice) 

Dipper: That’s uh, um uh… hey look! Dancy Pants Revolution! The game that tricks people into exercising!

Teens: (Mumble in agreement and walk over to play it) 

“Good thinking” August remarked and Dipper grinned in agreement. 

“No, it’s not! He should have told his friends what he saw so that they could get out of there!” Susan scolded earning her a few eye rolls. 

“They likely wouldn’t believe him and just tease him for being scared” Allen said reasonable and Susan scowled angrily as she returned her attention to the screen. 

Dipper: Heh heh, yeah let's all- let’s go play that. (Turns around and looks at the cooler’s door. Then turns around again and walks to the video game) 

Cuts to Thompson playing Dancy Pants Revolution, and everyone cheering him on. 

Dancy Pants: Dance! Hurry up!

Lee and Nate: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Wendy: Wow. He’s really terrible at this. 

A few people snickered at this. 

Dipper: Heh heh, yeah. That’s, that’s great. (Looks into a glass door, and sees the reflections of Wendy, Robbie, Tambry, Thompson and himself. Their skin, however, is replaced by bones. 

Nearly everyone jumped in surprise as their eyes widened. 

Dipper rubs his eyes and everything is back to normal) Come on, Grunkle Stan, pick up!

Susan and Matthew nodded in approval.

Ugh, what is he doing!?

Cuts to Stan watching The Duchess Approves. 

Susan and Matthew glared at Stan while he rubbed at his face, just how many times were the twins in danger and he wasn’t there to help them? 

Duchess: I don’t care about Dukes, or Commoners, or His Royal Highness Lionel of Cornwall! I’m not afraid anymore, Mother!

Mother: Duchess, I forbid you. 

Stan: (Eats ice cream) 

“Soap operas are pretty addictive aren't they?” Samantha said in amusement and Stan sighed as he nodded in agreement. 

Duchess: I may be a Duchess, but… I’m also a woman! (Takes her hat off to reveal her long hair flying in the wind) 

Stan: Yes! Yes! In you face Elizabeth! It’s just like my life!... In a way. 

A bunch of people gave him confused looks while a faint blush appeared on his face. 

Cuts to the phone hanging from the cord and Dipper walking over to Mabel. 

Dipper: Mabel, I need your advice. We’re hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can’t get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they’ll just think I’m a scared little kid or something!

Mabel: (Makes a gurgling sound with Smile Dip all over her face, clothes, and her eyes small and green) 

“What is in that stuff?” Elliott muttered wide-eyed. 

Dipper: Mabel? 

Zoom in on Mabel’s face, fade to her hallucination: She’s flying with crazy pop music from before playing

Mabel: The future! in the past! Onwards Aoshima!

Aoshima: (Moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fist’s open out and spit out rainbows) 

Everyone stared at Mabel wide-eyed while she just hissed at the screen once again. 

“What the fuck was that?” Gabriel muttered and those around him just shrugged. 

Cut to real life. 

Dipper: (Shakes Mabel) Mabel! How many of these did you eat!? 

Mabel: Beleven… teen… 

Susan and Matthew stared at the screen stunned, just what did their daughter eat?!

Dipper: Oh man. (Drops Mabel) Oh man, oh man, oh man. 

Robbie: (Uses a quarter to scratch lottery tickets) Ha! Ha ha ha!

“Do you think those are still valid?” Allen asked curiously and Elliott just shrugged. 

(Drops the coin and it rolls onto the floor and stops in front of a white line; goes to pick it up but stops) Whoa guys, you might wanna see this. 

Everyone except Mabel: (Gather around the tape markings of Pa and Ma’s bodies and talking to each other) 

“That’s so creepy” Abigail said and a bunch of people nodded in agreement. 

Lee: Whoa. Then the rumours are true!

Dipper: (Gulps) 

Robbie: (To Lee:) Dude, I dare you to lie down on it. 

“That’s so disrespectful” Willow huffed and a few people nodded in agreement. 

Lee: Good idea! (To Nate) Go lie down on it!

Nate: I’m a dead body, look! (Walks over to the markings) 

Ford frowned deeply, this was the quickest way to upset the ghosts that haunted the place. 

Dipper: Wait! Maybe let’s not do that. 

A few people nodded in agreement at this. 

Lee: This guy’s scared!

Dipper: All I’m saying is, why tempt the fates? I mean… What if this place really is… haunted? 

Teens: Boo! Ah c’mon!

Dipper sighed as he used his hood to cover his face once again. 

Dipper: Yeah, take it down a notch, Captain Buzzkill!

Dipper: I thought I was Dr. Funtimes.

Robbie: Well, you’re acting like Captain Buzzkill! Right? 

Tambry, Lee and Nate: (Nod) 

Wendy: Yeah, little bit. 

A few people shot Dipper sympathetic looks at this. 

Tambry: (Texting:) Status update: trapped in store with insane 9-year old. 

Dipper scowled slightly, why was he so eager to hang out with these guys? 

Dipper: I’m not a 9-year-old! (lies down in tape markings) 

Ford groaned as he covered his face. 

I’m 13! Technically a teen!

The tape markings light up and the lights go out. Tambry looks up and dissolves. 

A bunch of people shouted in alarm. 

Dipper: (Picks up her phone, reading from it:) Status update: AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Tambry: (Appears on security camera screen) AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Nearly everyone stared at the screen in horror. 

Teens and Dipper: AAAAUUGGH!

(Commercial break) 

Tambry: AAAAH!!

“How do you get her out of there?” Lucy asked worriedly and Dipper winced slightly. 

“You’ll see” He said as he rubbed at his face, this was going to be so embarrassing. 

Wendy: Tambry! Tambry!

Dipper: Can you hear us!?

Tambry: (Looks around in confusion) 

Nate: What are we supposed to do? 

Lee: I don’t know man! I don’t know!

Robbie: Let’s just go already!

“You can’t just leave her!” Hillary shouted in alarm. 

Wendy: Thompson!

Thompson: (Playing Dancy Pants Revolution) Wait! I’ve almost got the high score!

“Seriously?!” Allen questioned. 

(dissolves and reappears inside the game) Uh? What?

A bunch of people shouted in alarm once again. 

Dancy Pants: It’s time to shake what your mama gave you!

Thompson: No! So many arrows!

Dancy Pants: (Throws arrows down on Thompson: You’re a dance machine!

“Is he okay?” Abigail asked worriedly. 

“He’s fine” Mabel said reassuringly though a few people gave her disbelieving looks. 

Thompson: No! You’re a dance machine! (Cries) 

A few weak chuckles filled the theatre at this. 

Dipper: Oh no!

Wendy: Thompson!

Robbie: Forget them! Let’s go!

Nearly everyone scowled at this, what an asshole. 

The doors close. 

Wendy: What the… (tries to open the door but can’t) Guys… It’s locked!

Nearly everyone tensed worriedly. 

Robbie: OUTTA MY WAY! (Throws the cash register at the door, but it dissolves and green light flies at Robbie) 

Dipper: Everybody, wait! Whatever’s doing this has to have some kind of reason! (opens Journal 3) Maybe if we can figure out what it is, they’ll let us out of here!

Ford nodded in approval. 

Robbie: “Uh-uh they’ll let us out of here!” (Sarcastically:) Yeah, that makes a lot of sense!

Wendy: I don’t know guys, maybe he’s got a point!

Lee: (Sarcastically:) Yeah right, I’m sure the ghost just want to talk about his feelings! (Screams as he dissolves and reappears on a cereal box) W-what?

“What is the pattern?” Ford muttered to himself while nearly everyone else stared at the screen in horror. 

Cereal box Toucan: I’m bonkers for eating you alive (Holds up a spoon) 

Lee: No! (Screams as a stabbing sound is heard) 

Someone in the back puked at the sound. 

“Don’t worry he fine” Mabel tried to reassure them but very few people believed her. 

Nate: Lee! Okay, okay… I’m with you kid! 100%, man!

“About time” Emilia muttered and Alice hummed in agreement. 

Pa: (Possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice:) Welcome. 

“Mabel!” Susan shrieked worriedly earning a bunch of winces from everyone else. 

Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy: (Scream) 

Dipper: They got Mabel!

Dipper reached over and grasped Mabel’s hand who squeezed his comfortingly. 

Pa: Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. (Kicks legs and laughs) 

Wendy: We’re super sorry for hanging out in your store!

Dipper: Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? 

“You better not be thinking about leaving your sister” Matthew snapped and Dipper scowled angrily, he would never do that to Mabel. Mabel frowned worriedly and gently squeezed Dipper’s hand once again, this was probably bringing up a lot of bad memories for him.  

She had no real memories of her possession because of how out of it she had been due to the Smile Dip unlike Dipper who would never be able to forget his experience, she almost wished she did remember so that she could better comfort Dipper after his nightmares. 

Pa: Well… okay. You’re free to go. (Opens doors) 

“That worked?” Gabriel questioned in disbelief. 

But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!

Nate and Robbie: (Scream and run for the door) 

Pa: (Closes doors) Just kidding about the hot dog sale!

Nate: Just let us out of here already!

“That won’t end well” Elliott remarked as he and a few others winced. 

Pa: I don’t like your tone! (Dissolves Nate) 

Nate: (Reappears as a hot dog on the stove) No! I’M A HOT DOG!

Another person threw up. 

Pa: It begins. (Makes everything float to the ceiling) Welcome to your home for all eternity!

Susan and Matthew cling to each other fearfully. 

Wendy: Dipper, what do we do?!

Dipper: DUCK!

Dipper and Wendy: (Duck to avoid a flying shelf) 

Susan let out a choked off sob in fear. 

Wendy: (Points) Quick! In there!

Dipper and Wendy: (Run to a tipped over ice cream machine and hide inside and pant) 

Wendy: What do they want from us?!

Dipper: Revenge, I guess? 

Wendy: What did we do wrong?

“There’s got to be a pattern” Ford muttered to himself. 

“If I remember correctly didn’t the owners hate teenagers? Maybe its because they were all doing typical teenage things?” Stan suggested and Ford's eyes widened. 

“That’s got to be it” He said and Stan smirked at being the one to figure it out. 

Dipper: Okay, let’s try and figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn’t make any sense!

“Those are just normal teenage things” Abigail said baffled. 

Wendy: Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. 

Dipper: Wendy, say that last part again. 

Wendy: Normal teenage things? 

“Do the ghosts hate teenagers?” Allen questioned and Dipper hummed as he nodded. A few teenagers let out offended noises much to the amusement of the others. 

Dipper: Of course! Stay here until I get back! (crawls out of the freezer) 

“What are you doing?!” Susan and Matthew shouted in alarm and Dipper let out a tired sigh. 

“Fixing things” He said but they just continued to stare at the screen fearfully. 

Wendy: Dude, what are you doing?!

Dipper: Hey ghost!

Pa: (twists Mabel’s head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him) 

Mabel winced as she rubbed at her neck, so that's why her neck had been so sore afterwards. 

Dipper: I’ve got something to tell you! I’m not a teenager!

Pa: (drops everything that’s floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma) Hohoho! Well why didn’t you say so? (drops Mabel into a pile of candy) 

“That’s really all it took?” Hillary questioned in disbelief. 

Mabel: (Falling:) WAAH! (Lands in the candy and rubs her head) Ohhh… 

Mabel winces again. 

Pa: How old did you say you were? 

Dipper: I’m… (Reluctantly:) I’m twelve, technically not a teen. 

Ma: When we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store!

Pa: Always sassafrassin’ costumers with their boomy boxes and disrespectful short pants! (Flashback to the day he and Ma dies) So we decided to up and ban them! (Pa in the flashback places a sign labelled “NO TEENS” on the store window) But they retaliated with this new fangled rap music. 

A few people tilted their heads in confusion. 

Ma: (In the flashback, hugs Pa) The lyrics, they were so, hateful!

90’s Teens: (In the flashback, dancing to the rap:) Homework’s whack, and so are rules! Tuckin’ in you’re shirts for fools!

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Pa: (In the flashback:) NO!

Ma: It was so shocking, we were stricken down with double heart attacks!

Ma and Pa: (In the flashback, clutch their chests and collapse, dead) 

“So teenagers are the reason they died” Allen summarized and a few people made vaguely dismayed sounds. 

The flashback ends. 

Ma: (Brightly:) That’s why we hate teenagers so much! Don’t we honey? 

“I mean, that’s fair” Allen said as he shrugged his shoulders. 

Ma and Pa: (Nuzzle)

Dipper: But they’re my friends, isn’t there anything I can do to, help them? 

Pa: There is one thing. Do you know any funny little dances? 

“Your kidding” Hillary said in disbelief as she glanced at Dipper who just groaned and buried himself further into his sweater. 

Dipper: Uh… is there anything else I can do? 

Pa: (Lights himself on fire) NOOOO!

Dipper: OKAY OKAY OKAY! Um… Well, I do know… (Reluctantly:) the Lamby Lamby Dance. Bu-but I can’t really so it, without a lamb costume! (Folds his arms, happy to be out of it) 

“Something tells me your not going to get away with that” Lucy said and Dipper groaned in agreement. 

Pa: (Snaps his fingers and Dipper is in a lamb costume) 

A few people cooed while a bunch of other people laughed, Dipper blushed brightly as he wished that the couch would swallow him up. 

Dipper: Oh, well… there it is. (Takes a deep breath, sings the Lamby Lamby Dance) Welllll… Who wants a Lamby Lamby? I do! I do! So go up and greet your Mammy mammy mammy! Hi there! Hi there! So march march march around the daises… (Wendy smiles; this is the cutest thing she had ever seen) 

While Susan smiled warmly nearly everyone else laughed. 

Pa: Yes, Yes! More! MORE!

Dipper: (Marching and singing:) Don’t don't you forget about the babies! (Sweats, winks) 

“That was so cute!” Lucy gushed and Dipper just grumbled unhappily as Mabel patted his back comfortingly. 

Pa: That was some fine, girly dancin’ boy! Your friends are free. 

Dipper: (In normal clothes) Well I don’t think you have to worry about us coming back, so… 

Ma and Pa: (Disappear and allow everything to fall back to the floor and freeing the teens) 

A bunch of people let out sighs of relief. 

Mabel: Ugghh… I’m never gonna eat or do anything ever again. 

Dipper: Hey! (Picks up a package of Smile Dip) There’s still some left!

Mabel hissed at the screen once again much to everyone else’s amusement. 

Mabel: (Slaps it out of his hand) EVIL!

Lee: (To Wendy:) What-what happened after everything went crazy?


Wendy: You are not going to believe it! The ghosts appeared, (laughing:) and Dipper had to… (sees Dipper looking at her, silently pleading with her not to tell anyone) Uh, and uh, Dipper just grabbed a bat, and just started beating ghosts down, left and right and the ghosts got all scared, and ran away like a couple of little girls, it was insane!

“She’s a good friend” Sally remarked and Dipper and Mabel grinned n agreement. 

Nate: Alright! Dr. Funtimes!

Wendy: (Turns to Dipper and zips lips) 

Dipper: (Zips lips) 

Dipper sighed happily, Wendy really was the best. 

Cut to everyone except Dipper and Wendy sleeping in the van. 

Wendy: Well, I’m probably scarred for life. 

A bunch of people made sounds of agreement at this. 

Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy. 

Wendy: I think I’ll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. 

“Mood” August snickered alongside a few others. 

Hey, next time we hang out, let’s stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? 

Dipper: Next time? Yah! Let’s let’s hang out at the shack! Yeah… (gets in the car, to himself:) Next time… (gets in the car and sits next to Mabel) 

A few people chuckled at this while Dipper groaned once again. 

Mabel: OHHHHH… (sees the thing she wrote earlier) What kind of sick joke is this? 

Nearly everyone laughed at this while Mabel just grumbled to herself. 

The car drives away from the store, and the lights go out in the store. Cut to credits. 

Stan: (In front of the TV) Ah, the wedding. I’ve waited so long for this. 

“You were really invested” Ford said in amusement and Stan just huffed as he crossed his arms grumpily. 

Oh, look at her in that dress! (angrily as people on the TV gasp:) Count Lionel? What’s he doin’ here?!

Count Lionel: (From TV:) I’ve come to reclaim my bride!

Stan: You had your chance at the cotillion, you!

Man: (From the TV:) You had your chance at the cotillion, you!

A few people snickered at this. 

Stan: That’s what I’m SAYING! UuuaaaAAAAGGGHHH!

Outside, Dipper and Mabel are walking to the door. The television flies out the window and nearly hits them. 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen wide-eyed while Susan and Matthew scowled at Stan. 

Stan: Uh, couldn’t find the remote. 

Almost everyone laughed at this, including Stan. It took them a while to all calm down and when they did the trio that was Emilia, Ford and Dipper started working on the next code while the next episode began playing only to pause immediately when the Oscar family started waving their arms about angrily. 

“I suppose I should keep my word” Vigil said unamused and in a blue flash they all regained their voices. 

“It’s about time you QUACK !” Valerie snapped only to cover her mouth in shock, everyone stared at her in shock. 

“However whenever any of you try to say an unkind word to anyone an animal noise of my choosing will replace it” They said in amusement and nearly everyone howled with laughter. 

“This is the best thing ever!” Jason cheered as tears appeared in his eyes from how hard he was laughing. The Oscars family grumbled angrily with a few squeaks and chirps mixed in as the next episode resumed playing. 

Chapter Text

Episode opens on the exterior of the Mystery Shack; cuts to interior. 

Tyler: I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that’s in the spirit of the season? 

Stan: Uh, how about these crystals? (Puts a bowl of “crystals” on the counter) 

“That looks like broken glass” Hillary remarked and Stan huffed. 

Tyler: Ha ha! Looks like broken glass. 

A slightly smug expression appeared on Hillary’s face. 

Stan: What are you, a cop?

Tyler: Ooh! What is that new thing? 

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Dipper: Grunkle Stan?

Mabel: Can we go to the diner? We’re huuungry.

Dipper: Huuuuungry. 

Dipper and Mabel hit their stomachs against each other three times. 

Nearly everyone laughed at this.

Stan: Yeah. sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind.

Tyler: (Pointing at a fur trout) Do you have this in another animal? 

Stan: I’m fine locking him inside if you are. 

“You didn’t” Allen said in amusement and smirks appeared on Stan, Dipper and Mabel’s faces.  

“We did” They said in unison much to the amusement of nearly everyone. Meanwhile, Susan and Matthew frowned unhappily, they did not like Stan teaching their babies such bad habits. 

Mabel and Dipper nod eagerly; cuts to outside, where Stan has clumsily locked Tyler in the gift shop. 

Nearly everyone laughed once again. 

Tyler: Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt… (pauses) panther shirt. 

“He ended up buying both” Mabel remarked offhandedly. 

Cuts to theme song. 

The theme song paused when Emilia, Ford, and Dipper started laughing, then before anyone could ask them what the code was they spoke in unison. 


This earned them an embarrassed groan from Mabel and laughter from everyone else. Dipper grinned at his sister in amusement before he turned to look back at the screen only to stiffen slightly when he saw Bill’s still image staring back at him. He tore his eyes away from it as he took in a few deep breaths, thankfully the episode started playing again not to long after. 

Waitress hits a woodpecker on a wall and a beaver in a hole in the floor with a broom. Stan, Dipper and Mabel enter. 

McGucket: Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

“I feel like he’s had a bit to much” Robin remarked in amusement and a few people chuckled in agreement. 

The trio walk by McGucket, Wendy and Manly Dan as Sheriff Blubs is eating pancakes very quickly while Deputy Durland points a speeding device at him.

Durland: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Charles sighed and shook his head. 

Cuts to Dipper, Mabel and Stan’s table. Lazy Susan walks up to the table. 

Stan: Lazy Susan! There’s my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday? 

Stan eyes widened in horror as he realized what he was about to relive. 

Lazy Susan: I got hit by a bus!

“Is she serious?” Lucy asked stunned and Mabel hummed as she nodded. 

Stan: Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!

Lazy Susan: Thank you. Hah ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ho. 

Nearly everyone blinked at the screen in confusion, the people in this town were so weird. 

Stan: You do split plates, right? 

Lazy Susan: Maybe… (Makes her lazy eye wink) Wink!

Stan shuddered and Ford smirked in amusement. 

Stan: Great! We’ll all split a one-forth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, and a small plate of ketchup for the boy. 

“That’s not a meal” Matthew said angrily as he glared at Stan along side Susan. 

Lazy Susan: (Writes it down and walks off) 

Mabel: But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!

Stan: With the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money? (A piece of money shows out of Stan’s sleeve) Tap tap. (Taps it back in the sleeve) 

Nearly everyone laughed while Susan and Matthew continued to glare at Stan hatefully, they should never have let this man look after their babies. 

Mabel: Awww… 

Dipper: (Looks over and sees the Manliness Tester) 

Dipper winced a little. 

Don’t worry guys, pancakes are on me. I’m gonna win by beating that manliness tester. 

Dipper shrunk in on himself as a bunch of people from his school laughed mockingly at him. 

“You may be able to punch vents open but that doesn’t change the fact that you are the absolute opposite of manly” Gabriel sneered with a nasty smirk on his face only to frown in annoyance when all Dipper did was throw his hood up and ignore him. 

Stan: Manliness Tester? 

Mabel: Beating? 

Stan and Mabel: (Burst out laughing) 

Dipper just sighed as a bunch of people laughed along side past Stan and Mabel. 

Stan: He says he’s… he says he… HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Dipper: What? What’s so funny? 

Mabel: Oh, no offense Dipper, but you’re not exactly “Manly Mannington.” Ha ha ha!

A bunch of people laughed even louder at this. 

Dipper: Hey, I am too “Manly… Manny” or whatever it is you said. 

Stan: Look, face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let’s not forget last Tuesday’s… “incident.”

Flashes back to Dipper in the bathroom wearing a towel and singing at the mirror with a comb as the microphone. 

Dipper: Disco girl… coming through… that girl is you… 

“You listen to BABBA?” Lucy asked excitedly while ignoring the fact that a bunch of people were laughing, Dipper just sighed as he nodded. 

Stan walks into the bathroom. 


“Your voice is so SQUEAK” Heather attempted to say mockingly only to flush in embarrassment when everyone started laughing at her instead. 

Cuts back to the present. 

Mabel: You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation “BABBA”?

Dipper: No. Heh heh, I wasn’t. It’s not important. Look, come on guys, I’m plenty masculine. You see this chest hair? (Brings down shirt, to show his chest and it shines very brightly) 

“My eyes! My eyes!” A bunch of people mocked while Dipper sunk further into his seat. 

Mabel: Put it away, put it away!

Stan: So smooth! My eyes!

Dipper: Aw man.

Stan and Mabel: (Burst out laughing again)

Ford frowned as he glanced between the screen and Dipper, he did not like how Stan and Mabel were treating Dipper.

Dipper: Fine, “family of little faith.” Get ready to eat your words. (Gets up) And a plate of delicious pancakes. (Walks toward the manliness tester as other people eating watch) Alright, Dipper. Time to manhandle this… man handle… 

Dipper stares up at the machine and starts sweating. 

“You got this Dipper” August said encouragingly but Dipper just sighed tiredly. 

Dipper: And a one and a two… 

Stan: Quit stallin’!

Dipper starts tugging on the handle and the light starts moving towards the category he belongs in. The categories are “wimp,” “middle-aged woman,” “barely passable,” “man,” and “manly man.” Dipper keeps on pulling the handle until the light goes down down to “wimp.” A card comes out of the machine that says “You are a cutie patootie!”

People were practically falling over themselves with how loud and hard they were laughing. 

“WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Robin finally shouted as they glared at everyone who was laughing. Their piercing blue eyes quickly shut them all up, Dipper let out a soft sigh as he shot Robin a thankful look to which they just nodded in understanding. 

Dipper: Oh, what? This thing must be broken. It’s totally broken, guys. It’s like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or-

“Yeah, sure it is” Gabriel quipped with a smirk on his face. 

Dipper gets pushed out of the way by Manly Dan. Manly Dan cracks his knuckles. 

Dipper: It’s rickety man, you shouldn’t even-

Manly Dan pushes on the handle with his pinky and the machine automatically goes to “Manly Man” before exploding and giving everyone free pancakes.

Dipper rubbed at his face, why did Manly Dan feel the need to do that at that exact moment? 

Manly Dan: Yes! Pancakes for everyone!

Everyone at the restaurant cheers. A pancake falls on Dipper’s head. Mabel and Stan laugh at Dipper. 

A few people laughed once again. 

Dipper: I need to get some chest hair and fast. (Starts running out but is tripped by a beaver) I’m fine! Heh heh! Everything’s fine! (Runs out)

Stan: Yeesh! How am I related to that?

Ford shot Stan a disapproving look. 

Mabel: Come on, Grunkle Stan. I’m sure deep down you have a soft side too. 

Mabel smirked at Stan who just rolled his eyes. 

Stan: Ha! Nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul. 

Susan and Matthew huffed in agreement, they were never letting the twins stay with him ever again. 

Lazy Susan: (Puts the food on the table) Food!

Stan: Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean, I mean uh honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. 

Dipper perked up curiously at this while a bunch of people were now laughing at Stan who had a faint blush on his face. 

Lazy Susan: Ha ha! Silly! (Starts walking away) Silly man… 

Mabel: What was that about?

Stan: Nothing. I don’t wanna talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? 

Now just about everyone was laughing while Stan just grumbled to himself. 

Mabel: Wait just a second. I think I have an idea happening here. You…

Stan: No!

Mabel: And her…

Stan: Stop it!

Mabel: AAAHH!

Stan: Oh boy.

Mabel: You have a thing for Lazy Susan! You do have a soft side!

The laughter in the room increased and no one was laughing harder then Dipper and Ford while Mabel just grinned like the cat that got the canary. 

“It was a mistake” Stan grumbled to himself. 

Stan: (Puts his finger over her mouth) Keep it down, will ya?! Alright. I admit it, okay? It would be nice if she liked me. But I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn’t know where to start. I mean, look at her. She’s so classy.

Lazy Susan: (Hits the spinning pie trolley) Spin, ya dumb pies, spin!

A few people shot Stan confused/judgemental looks. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you are a crankt gross, weird old man. 

Stan rolled his eyes fondly while a few people snickered. 

But we will get Lazy Susan to like you  because nothing is stronger than the power of- 

Stan: Love? 

Mabel: Mabel.

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

To victory! (Drinks salad dressing) 

“Mabel” Matthew groaned in disappointment while a few people cringed in disgust. 

Cuts to Dipper walking down the street. 

Dipper: Not manly enough, stupid diner, stupid lumberjack… (Gets sprayed by water) 

Blubs: Another hydrant destroyed. It’s a gosh dang mystery. 

“Everything is a mystery to those two” Charles drawled unimpressed. 

Durland: Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles? 

Blubs: (With his shirt off) Quit readin’ my mind. 

They both start running around with their shirts off and screaming in delight. 

Charles sighed as he shook his head while a bunch of people laughed. 

“Shouldn’t the water pressure blast them away?” Sally questioned and a few people just shrugged. 

Dipper backs up and bumps into a woman. 

Unnamed scout Lady: Oh, I’m sorry. I was looking for the mailman. 

Dipper: Oh what? Are you saying I’m not a “male man?” Is that what you’re trying to say? I’m not male? I’m not a man? Is that-is that what you’re getting at? 

Just about everyone was staring at the screen with varying levels of concern, was Dipper having a break down? 

“Dipper are you alright?” Mabel asked worriedly and Dipper just sighed as he rubbed at his face. 

“I’m fine” He said simply but Mabel felt guilt well up in her chest, so she she grabbed his hand and squeezed it comfortingly and Dipper just squeezed it back in acknowledgement. 

Unnamed scout lady: Are you crying? 

Dipper: (Tries not to cry and runs off. 

August reached over and placed a hand on Dipper’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry Dipper, I think your plenty masculine” They said comfortingly and Dipper smiled as he turned to face them slightly. 

“Thanks August” He said and August smiled back before sitting back down, neither of them noticed the annoyed stare they were getting from Gabriel. 

Cut to him in the woods) 2...3...4… (bench pressing a small branch. 

A few people snickered at this.

He tosses the branch aside and looks in his shirt) No chest hair yet. 

“I wouldn’t sweat it kid, chest hair is not all its cracked up to be” Horace remarked and a few people nodded in agreement. 

(Lays on the ground) Is it physical, is it mental, what’s the secret? (Holds up a bag of jerky that says “You’re inadequate!” You said it brother. I need help. 

The ground begins to shake very hard and a large roar is heard. Various animals begin flying or running in the opposite direction of the noise. 

A few people tense worriedly, especially Susan and Matthew. Dipper was all alone in the woods who knows what could happen!

Manly Dan: For the love of all that’s holy, run! (Runs off) 

Now almost everyone was tense, what could have possibly scared off that giant of a man? 

A tree begins to fall on the stump that has Dipper’s hat, and Dipper runs and grabs it before the tree squashes it. 

“Was your hat really worth nearly getting crushed over?” Alice asked with a worried expression on her face, Dipper’s only response was to shrug.

Another roar is heard and the shadow of a creature is seen getting closer to Dipper. 

Susan and Matthew tense worriedly. 

Dipper: (Screams high pitched) Wait… sorry. (Screams on a lower octave and coughs) 

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Chutpar comes out of the forest and lets out another loud roar, however it is just a yawn. It takes a deer and scratches itself, and throws it away afterwards. 

“Poor thing” Margaret said sadly. 

The deer soon runs off. Chutzpar looks over in Dipper’s direction and knocks away the log he is hiding behind. 

A few people let out startled yelps.

Dipper: Please don’t eat me! I haven’t showered! In like a week! And, I’m all elbows! Elbows. And gristle!

Some people chuckled while others grimaced in disgust. 

Chutzpar: YOU…!

Dipper: Ah!

Chutzpar: Gonna finish that? 

Dipper: (Looks at the jerky) 

A bunch of people let out relived sighs while some of the others stared at the screen incredulously. 

No. (Tosses it to him and the Minotaur begins eating) I can’t belive it, part animal, part human. Are you some kind of Minotaur? 

Chutzpar: I’m a manotaur! Half man! Half… uh… half taur!

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Dipper: Do did I, like, summon you or-?

Chutzpar: The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY! (Punches a tree down and smashes a rock against his head) YEAH!! Ha ha! Heh. (Starts sniffing the air and then smells Dipper) I smell… emotional issues!

“That’s a scent? Then I must reek” August remarked and a bunch of people chuckled in agreement. 

Dipper: I have problems, Manotaur. Man-related problems. 

Chutzpar: (Sits down and pats his leg) 

Dipper: (Rests head on Chutzpar’s leg) 

“Awe” Lucy cooed and Dipper just sighed. 

Well, my own uncle called me a wimp…

Chutzpar: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Dipper: And I kind of flunked this manliness video game thing…

Chutzpar: Mm.

“It’s kinda sad that Dipper feels more comfortable discussing his insecurities with a stranger then his own family” Emilia mumbled to her wife who hummed in agreement as they both glanced at Dipper sadly. 

Dipper: Hey, you know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers. 

Chutzpar: Very well. Climb atop my back hair, child!

Dipper grimaced at the reminder. 

Dipper: Uh… okay.

Chutzpar: (Running through the woods with Dipper on his back) Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Crashes through a tree and keeps running) 

Dipper: (Gets hit by a branch and a birds nest) Dude, watch out!

Frowns quickly appeared on Susan and Matthew’s faces. 

Chutzpar: (Jumps over a gorge) YEAH!!!!!!


Susan and Matthew gasped worriedly. 

Chutzpar: (Crashes through the side of a mountain) 

Dipper: (Opens eyes) Whoa… 

Inside the mountain is a cave full of Manotaurs

“There's so many of them” Julian muttered in surprise. 

Dipper: This place is amazing!

Chutzpar: The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, ‘Cause they’re losers!

A slight scowl appeared on Mabel’s face. 

But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE! (Rings a gong) BEASTS! I have brought you, a hairless child! (pushes Dipper forward) 

Dipper: ...S’up.

“Very eloquent” Elliott remarked teasingly and Dipper chuckled in agreement. 

Chutzpar: (Gesturing to several manotaurs) This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I’m Chutzpar. And you are? 

Dipper: My name’s Dipper… (Manotaurs boo) The… uh, Destructor? 

Manotaurs: Yeah. Yeah that’s better. (they nod) 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Chutzpar: (bangs gong) Dipper The Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness. 

Dipper: I need your help! (Pulls down shirt to show hairless chest) Look at this guys! Look at this!

Manotaur: I must confer with the High Council. (The manotaurs turn around and huddle) So… teach him our man secrets or what?

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Manotaur 2: He’s human; I don’t like him. 

Manotaur 3: I DON’T LIKE YOUR FACE! (Punches other manotaur) 

Manotaurs start fighting

Dipper: I like these guys. 

Dipper groaned and covered his face while a few people gave him confused looks. 

Back at The Mystery Shack. Stan is shuffling cards. 

Mabel: Okay, Grunle Stan. Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life!

Stan huffed as he reached over to ruffle Mabel’s hair who just giggled in response, they both ignored the stares they were getting from Susan and Matthew. 

First, a before picture. (Takes a picture of Stan and startle him with the flash)

Stan: Ahh!

A few people wince at how bad the picture was. 

Mabel: I never miss a scrapbookertunity! (opens scrapbooks) Deedly dum, memories. (Slaps the picture on an empty page) Bleep. Let’s start out with some roleplaying. Soos will play Lazy Susan. 

Soos: I’m soft, like a woman. 

A bunch of people stared at the screen with slightly uncomfortable expression’s on their faces. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman. Remember this is a safe, non-judgemental environment. I’ll just be right off the side judging you on a scale from one to ten. 

A bunch of people laughed at this while Dipper leaned forward with an eager grin on his face, he couldn’t wait to see this trainwreck.

Stan: (Walks up to Soos and spits to the side) Can I borrow some money? 

Mabel: (Blows whistle) This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Dipper snickered in agreement, he couldn’t belive he missed this comedy gold.

Cuts back to the man cave. 

Manotaur: After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets. 

Manotaur #2: Denied! (punches himself in the face) 

A few people shot Dipper sympathetic looks only to blink in confusion when they saw the slight smirk on his face. 

Dipper: Denied? Ok, fine. That’s ok with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you’re not man enough to try. 

Nearly everyone’s eyes widen in realization before smirks quickly appeared on their faces. 

Manotaur #3: Not MAN enough!? (Stomps forward) 

Chutzpar: Destructor… 

Manotaur #3: Not Man enough!?

Chutzpar: He didn’t mean it. 

“Oh, he meant it” Allen snickered in amusement. 

Manotaur #3: I have three Y chromosomes, six adam’s apples, pecs o my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLE!

A few people stared at the screen uncomfortably at this. 

Dipper: Seems to me you’re too scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like… Bock-bock. Bock. Oh, that’s weird-Bocock, bocAW! Is that?-BACAWK! That sounds like-BACAW! Yeah, a bunch of chickens!

Nearly everyone was in tears from how hard they were laughing. 

“He’s such a little shit and I love it!” Allen said through his laughter as he leaned on Elliott’s shoulder who nodded in agreement through his own laughter. 

Manotaurs gasp, and huddle again

Manotaur: I feel all weird. 

Manotaur #2: He’s using some sort of brain magic!

Dipper smirked to himself at this, his brain was far better than some stupid chest hair.

Manotaur #3: After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!

A bunch of people cracked up laughing once again

Manotaurs: Man! Man! Man! (continue chanting) 

Dipper: Great! Thanks guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down. 

“How can he go from a devious manipulator to a happy little puppy?” Alice asked in amusement and Emilia chuckled as she shrugged. 

Cuts to Dipper and the Manotaurs in front of a hole in the ground labelled “Pain Hole”

Dipper winced as he rubbed at his hand. 

Chutzpar: Being a man is about conquering your fears. 

Manotaur: For your first man test, you must plunge your fist-INTO THE PAIN HOLE! (Manotaurs wince) 

Susan and Matthew shared a worried look. 

Dipper: The what..?


Manotaur#2: (Puts fist into hole) Pain hole, schmainhole-WAHHH!! AHHH!!! (Slaps himself) AHH! (Runs off clutching hand) 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen with wide eyes while Susan and Matthew let out horrified gasps. 

Dipper: Are you sure this is really necessary? 

Chutzpar: You want to be a man, don’t you?

Manotaurs: Man! Man! Man! Man! (Continue chanting while 1 manotaur is punching another manotaur in the face)

“I don’t think this will be worth it Dipper” Ford remarked and Dipper groaned in agreement as he dragged his hand down his face. 

Dipper: (Puts his hand in the hole) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Susan and Matthew let out choked off shouts of fear while Dipper just rubbed at his hand again. 

His screams cause birds to fly away. Cuts to Mabel and Grunkle Stan inside of the Mystery Shack. 

Mabel: (Sitting in chair) Alright! Let’s try to get that inner beauty on the outside. Smile harder. 

Ford frowned uncomfortably when he noticed the mark on Stan’s shoulder. 

Stan: (Struggling to make an unconvincing smile) EHHH… AGGHHH… 

Mabel: (Stands up in her chair) Harder!

Stan: (Still struggling to smile) AGGGHHH… WEEAAGGHH… 

“How is this so difficult?” Penny asked in confusion. 

Mabel: Perfect. (Yelling) Soos!

Soos: (Appears beside Mabel, holding sandwich) Sup, hambone. (Chews sandwich) 

Mabel: (To Soos) Wha’d’you think? 

Soos: AAAAAAHHHH!!!! (Throws his sandwich in the air, and runs out of the shack, leaving the door swinging on its hinges.)

A bunch of people laughed at this, none louder then Dipper who was really regretting missing out on this. 

Mabel: (Sighs) This is going to take some really great training music. (Holds up a CD labelled “Training Mix”, puts it in a CD player and presses play)

Camera zooms out, music starts, Mabel dances, Stan scratches his back. Cuts to Manotaurs and Dipper in a hot spring.

(So I have looked through a few different transcripts of this episode and I can’t find anything on the montage, and I don’t really know how to best describe it so for the time being I’m going to leave it out. Once I figure out what to do I’ll edit it in but for now, let's just say that they were all amused during the Stan and Mabel’s scenes and Susan and Matthew were horrified during the Dipper scenes.) 

Dipper: Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been… I-I feel like there’s really been some growth. 

Glurk: I have a growth!

A few people cringed at this. 

Dipper: Glurk, you are hilarious today!

Glurk: (clicks tongue) 

Dipper: It’s just you guys took me under your wing, and have just been so supportive. 

Emilia frowned softly at this, she didn’t like the fact that strangers had been more supportive then Dipper’s own family. 

Chutzpar: (Makes hand gesture) Oh, stop. 

Dipper: No, you know what? You really have been. I think I feel like I’m finally becoming a man here. 

Chutzpar: (Waves hand) Not yet, Destructor. One final task remains. The deadliest trial of all. 

Susan and Matthew tense fearfully. 

Dipper: (Clenches fist) I’ve survived forty-nine other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!

Manotaurs: (Together) Yeah!

Cut to a Manotaur lighting a torch. Camera pans around to where Chutzpar and Dipper are standing. Chutzpar licks a tattoo and applies it to Dipper’s arm. It reads “Rad Dude”. The other says “Too Cool”. Dipper stands up tall, and the first row of Manotaurs kneel before him. The row behind takes out bones and plays the other’s heads like drums. 

“Is the loin cloth really necessary?” Hillary asked and Dipper just shrugged. Meanwhile, his parents were to focused on their fear to disapprove of the tattoos. 

Chutzpar: Behold our leader, Leaderaur!

Cut to a view of a cave with two Manotaurs standing in front. They part, and an old, hunched Manotaur walks out. 

Old Manotaur: (Humming) Rum te tum tum…

“He seems a little fragile to be the leader of these guys” Abigail remarked and Dipper covered his eyes, he did not want to relive his. 

Dipper: Is he like the oldest, or wisest, or…?

Old Manotaur: (Raises hand slowly) Greetings, young- (A mouth comes down into the frame and eats the old manotaur) AAAGHHHHHH!

Nearly everyone jumped back in shock/fright. 

Chutzpar: Naw, he’s just the offering. That (Points upwards) is Leaderaur. 

Camera pans up to Leaderaur’s body, up to his head. He sucks on the old manotaur and swallows.

A bunch of people shuddered uncomfortably. 

Leaderaur: You - Your wish to be a man? 

Dipper: (Banging on chest) HUUUAAARRRRGGHHH!

A few people snickered in amusement at this. 

Manotaur: (Together) Yeah!

Leaderaur: Then you must heroic act, go to highest mountain (reaches into his chest and pulls out a spear) 

Everyone gagged and someone even threw up in the back. 

And bring back of...the Multi-Bear! (tosses spear at Dipper’s feet) 

Dipper scowled a little bit at the reminder. 

Manotaurs: (Gasp) 

Dipper: The Multi-Bear? Is that some sort of bear..?

“No, it’s just a very big beaver” August drawled sarcastically which earned them a snort of amusement from Dipper.

Leaderaur: He’s our sworn enemy! Conquer him and your mansformation will be complete.

Dipper: Conquer? I don’t know, man. 

Chutzpar: (Looks through Dipper’s backpack and pulls out the BABBA case) Destructor, is this yours?

“Why was he going through your bag?” Lillian asked and Dipper hummed. 

“I think he was looking for more jerky” He replied and a few people made sounds of understanding. 

Dipper: (snatches it) Oh no! Hah ha. I don’t know whose that is, just borrowing it, friend’s, not mine.

Manotaurs: Mmm, I don’t know about this… 

“Better think of something quick” Jason remarked. 

Dipper: Uh… (walks back to the spear) Hmph. (picks it up over his head) I SHALL CONQUER THE MULTI-BEAR!

Susan and Matthew tense fearfully.

The manotaurs cheer. Leaderaur spouts fire from his nose. A fire spark falls on Dipper. 

Dipper: (puts out the fire) I’m okay!

Scene cuts to a montage of Dipper climbing up the mountain. Dipper arrives at Multi-bear’s cave. 

Dipper: I’m comin’ for you, Multi-Bear. 

A few people leaned forward eagerly. 

Cut to Mabel

This earned whines from the people who had been looking forward to the fight. 

Mabel: Okay, Grunkle Stan. You started like this… (Puts up Stan’s before picture) But you became… (Lowers picture to see Stan with messy clothes and sweat) 

“How did he get worse?” Jennifer questioned in disgust. 

Stan: Can I scratch myself now? 

Mabel: No! No, no, no! Is that throw up on your shirt?

Stan: I don’t know how to answer that. 

Stan covered his face as a bunch of people cringed in disgust. 

Mabel: (Rips the before picture)

Wendy: Face it, Mabel. Your uncle’s unfixable. Like that spinning pie thing in the diner. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, come with me! (Runs to the door) And leave your pants at home!

A bunch of people gave Mabel slightly disturbed looks at this. 

Stan: With pleasure! (Walks to Mabel)

Now they were looking at Stan equally disturbed. 

Cut to Dipper entering the cave. 

Dipper: What is a Multi-Bear? 

Behind Dipper, the Multi-Bear wakes up. Dipper then notices the Multi-Bear behind him. Multi-Bear roars.

“Oh, that’s a Multi-Bear” August remarked weakly. 

Dipper: Oh, that’s a Multi-Bear.

August snorted as they shared an amused look with Dipper, neither of them noticing the scowl on Gabriel’s face. 

Multi-Bear: (Many bear heads roaring; main head:) Bear heads, silence! (Hits the head still roaring. It gets silent after a bit) 

A few people chuckle at this.

Child, why have you come here?

Dipper: Multi-Bear! I seek your head! Or, one if them, anyways? There’s like-what? Six heads? 

Even more people laughed at this. 

Multi-Bear: This is foolish! Leave now! Or die!

Susan and Matthew’s hearts squeeze in fear. 

Dipper: (Points his spear at Multi-Bear) 

Multi-Bear: So be it! (Heads roar; he charges at Dipper) 

Dipper: (Runs up the wall) 

A bunch of people blinked in surprise at this. 

Multi-Bear: (Smacks a pile of bones towards Dipper) 

Dipper: (Hides behind a rock, avoiding the bones. Jumps on one of Multi-Bear’s head and runs to the top, choking the main head with the spear and making the Multi-Bear fall down) 

Robin tilted his head curiously, he wondered if he could convince Dipper to join his martial arts class. Though he supposed it wasn’t Dipper he would have to convince he mused as he glanced at Susan and Matthew who were staring at the screen fearfully. 

A real man shows no mercy!

Multi-Bear: (Sighs) Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?

Dipper: Uh… Okay.

Multi-Bear: I wish to die listening to my favourite song. 

“That’s pretty reasonable” Justin remarked offhandedly 

Zoom out to a tape player. 

Multi-Bear: The tape is already in there. You can just hit any- (Dipper presses a button) Yeah, yeah, that’s it. 

The song “Disco Girl” plays.

“Your kidding” Someone muttered in disbelief. 

Dipper: You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA? I-I love BABBA.

Multi-Bear: I thought I was the only one. All the manotaurs made fun of me because I know all the words to the song “Disco Girl.”

“That’s why he’s their sworn enemy?” Lucy questioned baffled, that was such a dumb reason to hate someone for. 

Dipper: Oh, you mean (singing:) Disco girl… 

Multi-Bear: (Singing:) Coming through…

Multi-Bear and Dipper: (Singing:) That girl is you! Oo-oo o-oo!

“This is so pure” Mabel gasped out with a wide smile on her face earning her a fond eye roll from Dipper. 

Dipper: (Laughs) This is crazy! Finally someone who-who understands- uh… Oh yeah. I guess I’m suppose to kill you? Or I’ll never be a man?

A bunch of people shared concerned looks, Dipper wasn’t actually going to kill the Multi-Bear… was he? 

Multi-Bear: I accept my fate.

Dipper: No! (Pause) Really?

Multi-Bear: It’s for the best. 

Dipper: (Raises his spear

A bunch of people sucked in a shocked gasp. 

But it hits the floor of the mancave.) I’m not gonna do it. 

Those same people let out breaths of relief. 

Leaderaur: You were told! The price of man is the Multi-Bear’s head!

Dipper: Listen, Leaderaur, alright? You too, Tesosteraur, Pubertaur, and… I don’t know, whatever you’re name is. B-Beardy. 

Beardy: It’s Beardy. 

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being aggro all the time, but I’m starting to think that stuff’s malarkey. 

A bunch of people nodded in agreement/approval at this. 

The manotaurs gasp.

Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don’t have muscles, or hair in certain places, and… sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on! ‘Cause dang it, top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason! They’re catchy!

“You tell ‘em Dipper!” August cheered and Dipper smiled widely. 

Chutzpar: Destructor… What are you saying?

Dipper: I’m saying the Multi-Bear is a really nice guy. And you’re a bunch f jerks if you want me to cut off his head!

Leaderaur: (Stands up and destroys the spear) Kill the Multi-Bear or never be a man!

Dipper: Then I guess I’ll never be a man.

“How were you able to stand there and say that so calmly?” Hillary asked stunned and Dipper simply shrugged, he really didn’t know how he was able to do that. 

Chutzpar: Boohoo! Weak!

Manotaurs: Boooooo! Lame Boooo!

Chutzpar: Hey guys! Who wants to go build something and knock it down!

The manotaurs cheer and leave, chanting “Man!” several times. Dipper kicks a rock away and walks away. 

“Can’t change ‘em all kid” Horace remarked sympathetically and Dipper sighed in agreement. 

Cut to Greasy’ Diner. 

Lazy Susan: (Hitting pie trolley) SPIN! SPIN!

Mabel: (Enters with Stan) Lazy Susan. Listen: I know he’s not much to look at, but you’re always fixing stuff in the diner, and if you like fixing stuff, nothing can use more fixing than y Grunkle Stan! 

“Awe that’s kinda cute” Lucy said sweetly and Mabel smiled widely in agreement. 

Also, women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards. 

Everyone blinked at the screen in surprise before a bunch of people cackled in amusement. 

“Susan!” Matthew gasped as he looked at his wife who covered her mouth as she continued to giggle a little bit. 

“Sorry sweetie” She said sheepishly. 

Stan: So, Lazy Susan, what do you say?

Lazy Susan: (Leaves) 

A few people shot Stan sympathetic looks but he just looked vaguely constipated. 

Stan: Uhhhh… (Walks away) 

Lazy Susan: (Comes back with a piece of paper and a piece of pie) Heeeeyyyy! Here’s my number. Why don’t you give me a call some time? 

Stan covered his face as he groaned, this had been such a big mistake. 

Stan: Really?!

Lazy Susan: REALLY!! HAHA. Also: here’s some pie. On the house. For YOU! (leaves) 

Mabel: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! We did it! When are you gonna call? You wanna call now? I don’t have a phone. Let’s buy a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let’s get a credit card. 

“Deep breaths” Dipper instructed teasingly and Mabel huffed as she pushed his shoulder playfully. 

Stan: Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh? 

Mabel blew a raspberry at Stan who just chuckled fondly. 

Dipper: (Comes up to the restaurant)

Mabel: DIPPER!! It’s me, Mabel! I’m looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I’m talking to you from inside!

Dipper: (Nods and give Mabel a “Calm down sign.

A bunch of people chuckled at Dipper’s expression. 

Comes inside)

Mabel: Did you see me through the-?

Dipper: Yes.

Mabel: What’s wrong?

Dipper: I don’t want to talk about it. 

“Talking will help” Penny said softly and Dipper hummed in agreement. 

Stan: Good.

Dipper: It’s just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me… 

Stan: Here we go. 

A bunch of people chuckled at this while Dipper just rolled his eyes good-naturedly. 

Dipper: But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn’t right. So I said no. 

Stan: You were your own man and you stood up for yourself. 

Dipper gave Stan a warm smile in gratitude which he returned. 

Dipper: Huh?

Stan: Well, you did what was right even when no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me but, what do I know?

Nearly everyone nodded in agreement at this. 

Dipper: (Smiles) 

Mabel: Wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!

Dipper: (Checks his chest and gasp) You’re right! I do! Ha ha, this is amazing! I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitor!

“Talk about convenient timing” Allen quipped in amusement and a few people snorted in amusement. 

Stan: Pituitor? 

Dipper: This guy has chest hair!

Mabel: (Pulls it out and puts it in a journal) Scrap-book ortunity!

Nearly everyone stared at Mabel in shock. 

Stan: Don’t worry, kid, if you’re anything like me, there’s more where that came from. (Rips open his shirt) 

Quite a few people gagged at this. 

Dipper: OH, GROSS!!!


Dipper: Seriously, that’s disgusting. 

Nearly everyone nodded strongly in agreement. 

Stinger: Stan is sitting on the chair next to the phone. The phone rings. 

Stan: Oh, not again!

A few people gave Stan curious looks but he just groaned and buried his face into his hands. 

Answering machine: Message number: 36

Lazy: (Over answering machine:) Hey, handsome! It’s me, Lazy Susan, calling to say hi: Hi! My cats also wanted to say hi! Say hi, Donald!

“She’s a crazy cat lady isn’t she?” Ford asked in amusement as he looked at his brother who groaned again as he lifted his head to give his brother a glare. 

“It was a mistake” He grumbled which just earned him laughter from Ford. 

Donald: (Over answering machine:) Meow.

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Good, Sandy, you say hi!

Sandy: (Over answering machine:) Meow.

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Mr. Cat-face, now it’s your turn to say-

“She’s completely MEOW” Heather tried to say only to flush in embarrassment when a bunch of people started laughing at her, this dumb censoring was driving her nuts. 

Mr. Cat-face: (Over answering machine:) MOOWW!!!!!

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Mr. Cat-face!

Mr. Cat -face: (Over answering machine:) MEEEEEOWW!!!!

“I don’t think Mr. Cat-face likes you very much Grunkle Stan” Mabel remarked teasingly and Stan just huffed as he rolled his eyes. Yeah well, he didn’t like Mr. Cat-face very much either. 

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Well, anyways call me! Call me back! (Hangs up)

Stan: How do I get out of this?!

Just about everyone laughed at this, as they laughed the golden light appeared around the notebooks before disappearing. It took a good while for everyone to calm back down and when they did the trio of code breakers got back to work as the next episode started playing.