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What The Pines Did This Summer

Chapter Text

Episode opens on the exterior of the Mystery Shack; cuts to interior. 

Tyler: I like to get my Christmas shopping done early. Do you have anything that’s in the spirit of the season? 

Stan: Uh, how about these crystals? (Puts a bowl of “crystals” on the counter) 

“That looks like broken glass” Hillary remarked and Stan huffed. 

Tyler: Ha ha! Looks like broken glass. 

A slightly smug expression appeared on Hillary’s face. 

Stan: What are you, a cop?

Tyler: Ooh! What is that new thing? 

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Dipper: Grunkle Stan?

Mabel: Can we go to the diner? We’re huuungry.

Dipper: Huuuuungry. 

Dipper and Mabel hit their stomachs against each other three times. 

Nearly everyone laughed at this.

Stan: Yeah. sure. Soon as this yahoo makes up his mind.

Tyler: (Pointing at a fur trout) Do you have this in another animal? 

Stan: I’m fine locking him inside if you are. 

“You didn’t” Allen said in amusement and smirks appeared on Stan, Dipper and Mabel’s faces.  

“We did” They said in unison much to the amusement of nearly everyone. Meanwhile, Susan and Matthew frowned unhappily, they did not like Stan teaching their babies such bad habits. 

Mabel and Dipper nod eagerly; cuts to outside, where Stan has clumsily locked Tyler in the gift shop. 

Nearly everyone laughed once again. 

Tyler: Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt, panther shirt. Puma shirt… (pauses) panther shirt. 

“He ended up buying both” Mabel remarked offhandedly. 

Cuts to theme song. 

The theme song paused when Emilia, Ford, and Dipper started laughing, then before anyone could ask them what the code was they spoke in unison. 


This earned them an embarrassed groan from Mabel and laughter from everyone else. Dipper grinned at his sister in amusement before he turned to look back at the screen only to stiffen slightly when he saw Bill’s still image staring back at him. He tore his eyes away from it as he took in a few deep breaths, thankfully the episode started playing again not to long after. 

Waitress hits a woodpecker on a wall and a beaver in a hole in the floor with a broom. Stan, Dipper and Mabel enter. 

McGucket: Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

“I feel like he’s had a bit to much” Robin remarked in amusement and a few people chuckled in agreement. 

The trio walk by McGucket, Wendy and Manly Dan as Sheriff Blubs is eating pancakes very quickly while Deputy Durland points a speeding device at him.

Durland: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Charles sighed and shook his head. 

Cuts to Dipper, Mabel and Stan’s table. Lazy Susan walks up to the table. 

Stan: Lazy Susan! There’s my little ray of sunshine! Where were you yesterday? 

Stan eyes widened in horror as he realized what he was about to relive. 

Lazy Susan: I got hit by a bus!

“Is she serious?” Lucy asked stunned and Mabel hummed as she nodded. 

Stan: Ha ha ha ha! Hilarious!

Lazy Susan: Thank you. Hah ha ha ha hee hee ho ho ho. 

Nearly everyone blinked at the screen in confusion, the people in this town were so weird. 

Stan: You do split plates, right? 

Lazy Susan: Maybe… (Makes her lazy eye wink) Wink!

Stan shuddered and Ford smirked in amusement. 

Stan: Great! We’ll all split a one-forth of the number seven, plus a free salad dressing for the lady, and a small plate of ketchup for the boy. 

“That’s not a meal” Matthew said angrily as he glared at Stan along side Susan. 

Lazy Susan: (Writes it down and walks off) 

Mabel: But Grunkle Stan, I want pancakes!

Stan: With the fancy flour they use these days? What am I, made of money? (A piece of money shows out of Stan’s sleeve) Tap tap. (Taps it back in the sleeve) 

Nearly everyone laughed while Susan and Matthew continued to glare at Stan hatefully, they should never have let this man look after their babies. 

Mabel: Awww… 

Dipper: (Looks over and sees the Manliness Tester) 

Dipper winced a little. 

Don’t worry guys, pancakes are on me. I’m gonna win by beating that manliness tester. 

Dipper shrunk in on himself as a bunch of people from his school laughed mockingly at him. 

“You may be able to punch vents open but that doesn’t change the fact that you are the absolute opposite of manly” Gabriel sneered with a nasty smirk on his face only to frown in annoyance when all Dipper did was throw his hood up and ignore him. 

Stan: Manliness Tester? 

Mabel: Beating? 

Stan and Mabel: (Burst out laughing) 

Dipper just sighed as a bunch of people laughed along side past Stan and Mabel. 

Stan: He says he’s… he says he… HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Dipper: What? What’s so funny? 

Mabel: Oh, no offense Dipper, but you’re not exactly “Manly Mannington.” Ha ha ha!

A bunch of people laughed even louder at this. 

Dipper: Hey, I am too “Manly… Manny” or whatever it is you said. 

Stan: Look, face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let’s not forget last Tuesday’s… “incident.”

Flashes back to Dipper in the bathroom wearing a towel and singing at the mirror with a comb as the microphone. 

Dipper: Disco girl… coming through… that girl is you… 

“You listen to BABBA?” Lucy asked excitedly while ignoring the fact that a bunch of people were laughing, Dipper just sighed as he nodded. 

Stan walks into the bathroom. 


“Your voice is so SQUEAK” Heather attempted to say mockingly only to flush in embarrassment when everyone started laughing at her instead. 

Cuts back to the present. 

Mabel: You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation “BABBA”?

Dipper: No. Heh heh, I wasn’t. It’s not important. Look, come on guys, I’m plenty masculine. You see this chest hair? (Brings down shirt, to show his chest and it shines very brightly) 

“My eyes! My eyes!” A bunch of people mocked while Dipper sunk further into his seat. 

Mabel: Put it away, put it away!

Stan: So smooth! My eyes!

Dipper: Aw man.

Stan and Mabel: (Burst out laughing again)

Ford frowned as he glanced between the screen and Dipper, he did not like how Stan and Mabel were treating Dipper.

Dipper: Fine, “family of little faith.” Get ready to eat your words. (Gets up) And a plate of delicious pancakes. (Walks toward the manliness tester as other people eating watch) Alright, Dipper. Time to manhandle this… man handle… 

Dipper stares up at the machine and starts sweating. 

“You got this Dipper” August said encouragingly but Dipper just sighed tiredly. 

Dipper: And a one and a two… 

Stan: Quit stallin’!

Dipper starts tugging on the handle and the light starts moving towards the category he belongs in. The categories are “wimp,” “middle-aged woman,” “barely passable,” “man,” and “manly man.” Dipper keeps on pulling the handle until the light goes down down to “wimp.” A card comes out of the machine that says “You are a cutie patootie!”

People were practically falling over themselves with how loud and hard they were laughing. 

“WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Robin finally shouted as they glared at everyone who was laughing. Their piercing blue eyes quickly shut them all up, Dipper let out a soft sigh as he shot Robin a thankful look to which they just nodded in understanding. 

Dipper: Oh, what? This thing must be broken. It’s totally broken, guys. It’s like a million years old, probably ran out of steam power or-

“Yeah, sure it is” Gabriel quipped with a smirk on his face. 

Dipper gets pushed out of the way by Manly Dan. Manly Dan cracks his knuckles. 

Dipper: It’s rickety man, you shouldn’t even-

Manly Dan pushes on the handle with his pinky and the machine automatically goes to “Manly Man” before exploding and giving everyone free pancakes.

Dipper rubbed at his face, why did Manly Dan feel the need to do that at that exact moment? 

Manly Dan: Yes! Pancakes for everyone!

Everyone at the restaurant cheers. A pancake falls on Dipper’s head. Mabel and Stan laugh at Dipper. 

A few people laughed once again. 

Dipper: I need to get some chest hair and fast. (Starts running out but is tripped by a beaver) I’m fine! Heh heh! Everything’s fine! (Runs out)

Stan: Yeesh! How am I related to that?

Ford shot Stan a disapproving look. 

Mabel: Come on, Grunkle Stan. I’m sure deep down you have a soft side too. 

Mabel smirked at Stan who just rolled his eyes. 

Stan: Ha! Nothing in here but a cold, dark, empty soul. 

Susan and Matthew huffed in agreement, they were never letting the twins stay with him ever again. 

Lazy Susan: (Puts the food on the table) Food!

Stan: Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean, I mean uh honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. 

Dipper perked up curiously at this while a bunch of people were now laughing at Stan who had a faint blush on his face. 

Lazy Susan: Ha ha! Silly! (Starts walking away) Silly man… 

Mabel: What was that about?

Stan: Nothing. I don’t wanna talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? 

Now just about everyone was laughing while Stan just grumbled to himself. 

Mabel: Wait just a second. I think I have an idea happening here. You…

Stan: No!

Mabel: And her…

Stan: Stop it!

Mabel: AAAHH!

Stan: Oh boy.

Mabel: You have a thing for Lazy Susan! You do have a soft side!

The laughter in the room increased and no one was laughing harder then Dipper and Ford while Mabel just grinned like the cat that got the canary. 

“It was a mistake” Stan grumbled to himself. 

Stan: (Puts his finger over her mouth) Keep it down, will ya?! Alright. I admit it, okay? It would be nice if she liked me. But I've been out of the game for so long I wouldn’t know where to start. I mean, look at her. She’s so classy.

Lazy Susan: (Hits the spinning pie trolley) Spin, ya dumb pies, spin!

A few people shot Stan confused/judgemental looks. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, you are a crankt gross, weird old man. 

Stan rolled his eyes fondly while a few people snickered. 

But we will get Lazy Susan to like you  because nothing is stronger than the power of- 

Stan: Love? 

Mabel: Mabel.

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

To victory! (Drinks salad dressing) 

“Mabel” Matthew groaned in disappointment while a few people cringed in disgust. 

Cuts to Dipper walking down the street. 

Dipper: Not manly enough, stupid diner, stupid lumberjack… (Gets sprayed by water) 

Blubs: Another hydrant destroyed. It’s a gosh dang mystery. 

“Everything is a mystery to those two” Charles drawled unimpressed. 

Durland: Wanna take off our uniforms and run around in circles? 

Blubs: (With his shirt off) Quit readin’ my mind. 

They both start running around with their shirts off and screaming in delight. 

Charles sighed as he shook his head while a bunch of people laughed. 

“Shouldn’t the water pressure blast them away?” Sally questioned and a few people just shrugged. 

Dipper backs up and bumps into a woman. 

Unnamed scout Lady: Oh, I’m sorry. I was looking for the mailman. 

Dipper: Oh what? Are you saying I’m not a “male man?” Is that what you’re trying to say? I’m not male? I’m not a man? Is that-is that what you’re getting at? 

Just about everyone was staring at the screen with varying levels of concern, was Dipper having a break down? 

“Dipper are you alright?” Mabel asked worriedly and Dipper just sighed as he rubbed at his face. 

“I’m fine” He said simply but Mabel felt guilt well up in her chest, so she she grabbed his hand and squeezed it comfortingly and Dipper just squeezed it back in acknowledgement. 

Unnamed scout lady: Are you crying? 

Dipper: (Tries not to cry and runs off. 

August reached over and placed a hand on Dipper’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry Dipper, I think your plenty masculine” They said comfortingly and Dipper smiled as he turned to face them slightly. 

“Thanks August” He said and August smiled back before sitting back down, neither of them noticed the annoyed stare they were getting from Gabriel. 

Cut to him in the woods) 2...3...4… (bench pressing a small branch. 

A few people snickered at this.

He tosses the branch aside and looks in his shirt) No chest hair yet. 

“I wouldn’t sweat it kid, chest hair is not all its cracked up to be” Horace remarked and a few people nodded in agreement. 

(Lays on the ground) Is it physical, is it mental, what’s the secret? (Holds up a bag of jerky that says “You’re inadequate!” You said it brother. I need help. 

The ground begins to shake very hard and a large roar is heard. Various animals begin flying or running in the opposite direction of the noise. 

A few people tense worriedly, especially Susan and Matthew. Dipper was all alone in the woods who knows what could happen!

Manly Dan: For the love of all that’s holy, run! (Runs off) 

Now almost everyone was tense, what could have possibly scared off that giant of a man? 

A tree begins to fall on the stump that has Dipper’s hat, and Dipper runs and grabs it before the tree squashes it. 

“Was your hat really worth nearly getting crushed over?” Alice asked with a worried expression on her face, Dipper’s only response was to shrug.

Another roar is heard and the shadow of a creature is seen getting closer to Dipper. 

Susan and Matthew tense worriedly. 

Dipper: (Screams high pitched) Wait… sorry. (Screams on a lower octave and coughs) 

A bunch of people laughed at this. 

Chutpar comes out of the forest and lets out another loud roar, however it is just a yawn. It takes a deer and scratches itself, and throws it away afterwards. 

“Poor thing” Margaret said sadly. 

The deer soon runs off. Chutzpar looks over in Dipper’s direction and knocks away the log he is hiding behind. 

A few people let out startled yelps.

Dipper: Please don’t eat me! I haven’t showered! In like a week! And, I’m all elbows! Elbows. And gristle!

Some people chuckled while others grimaced in disgust. 

Chutzpar: YOU…!

Dipper: Ah!

Chutzpar: Gonna finish that? 

Dipper: (Looks at the jerky) 

A bunch of people let out relived sighs while some of the others stared at the screen incredulously. 

No. (Tosses it to him and the Minotaur begins eating) I can’t belive it, part animal, part human. Are you some kind of Minotaur? 

Chutzpar: I’m a manotaur! Half man! Half… uh… half taur!

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Dipper: Do did I, like, summon you or-?

Chutzpar: The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY! (Punches a tree down and smashes a rock against his head) YEAH!! Ha ha! Heh. (Starts sniffing the air and then smells Dipper) I smell… emotional issues!

“That’s a scent? Then I must reek” August remarked and a bunch of people chuckled in agreement. 

Dipper: I have problems, Manotaur. Man-related problems. 

Chutzpar: (Sits down and pats his leg) 

Dipper: (Rests head on Chutzpar’s leg) 

“Awe” Lucy cooed and Dipper just sighed. 

Well, my own uncle called me a wimp…

Chutzpar: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Dipper: And I kind of flunked this manliness video game thing…

Chutzpar: Mm.

“It’s kinda sad that Dipper feels more comfortable discussing his insecurities with a stranger then his own family” Emilia mumbled to her wife who hummed in agreement as they both glanced at Dipper sadly. 

Dipper: Hey, you know, you seem pretty manly. Maybe you could give me some pointers. 

Chutzpar: Very well. Climb atop my back hair, child!

Dipper grimaced at the reminder. 

Dipper: Uh… okay.

Chutzpar: (Running through the woods with Dipper on his back) Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Crashes through a tree and keeps running) 

Dipper: (Gets hit by a branch and a birds nest) Dude, watch out!

Frowns quickly appeared on Susan and Matthew’s faces. 

Chutzpar: (Jumps over a gorge) YEAH!!!!!!


Susan and Matthew gasped worriedly. 

Chutzpar: (Crashes through the side of a mountain) 

Dipper: (Opens eyes) Whoa… 

Inside the mountain is a cave full of Manotaurs

“There's so many of them” Julian muttered in surprise. 

Dipper: This place is amazing!

Chutzpar: The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, ‘Cause they’re losers!

A slight scowl appeared on Mabel’s face. 

But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE! (Rings a gong) BEASTS! I have brought you, a hairless child! (pushes Dipper forward) 

Dipper: ...S’up.

“Very eloquent” Elliott remarked teasingly and Dipper chuckled in agreement. 

Chutzpar: (Gesturing to several manotaurs) This is, uh, Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I’m Chutzpar. And you are? 

Dipper: My name’s Dipper… (Manotaurs boo) The… uh, Destructor? 

Manotaurs: Yeah. Yeah that’s better. (they nod) 

A few people chuckled at this. 

Chutzpar: (bangs gong) Dipper The Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness. 

Dipper: I need your help! (Pulls down shirt to show hairless chest) Look at this guys! Look at this!

Manotaur: I must confer with the High Council. (The manotaurs turn around and huddle) So… teach him our man secrets or what?

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Manotaur 2: He’s human; I don’t like him. 

Manotaur 3: I DON’T LIKE YOUR FACE! (Punches other manotaur) 

Manotaurs start fighting

Dipper: I like these guys. 

Dipper groaned and covered his face while a few people gave him confused looks. 

Back at The Mystery Shack. Stan is shuffling cards. 

Mabel: Okay, Grunle Stan. Welcome to the first day of whatever is left of your life!

Stan huffed as he reached over to ruffle Mabel’s hair who just giggled in response, they both ignored the stares they were getting from Susan and Matthew. 

First, a before picture. (Takes a picture of Stan and startle him with the flash)

Stan: Ahh!

A few people wince at how bad the picture was. 

Mabel: I never miss a scrapbookertunity! (opens scrapbooks) Deedly dum, memories. (Slaps the picture on an empty page) Bleep. Let’s start out with some roleplaying. Soos will play Lazy Susan. 

Soos: I’m soft, like a woman. 

A bunch of people stared at the screen with slightly uncomfortable expression’s on their faces. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, show me how you approach a woman. Remember this is a safe, non-judgemental environment. I’ll just be right off the side judging you on a scale from one to ten. 

A bunch of people laughed at this while Dipper leaned forward with an eager grin on his face, he couldn’t wait to see this trainwreck.

Stan: (Walks up to Soos and spits to the side) Can I borrow some money? 

Mabel: (Blows whistle) This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Dipper snickered in agreement, he couldn’t belive he missed this comedy gold.

Cuts back to the man cave. 

Manotaur: After a lot of punching, we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets. 

Manotaur #2: Denied! (punches himself in the face) 

A few people shot Dipper sympathetic looks only to blink in confusion when they saw the slight smirk on his face. 

Dipper: Denied? Ok, fine. That’s ok with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Maybe, you’re not man enough to try. 

Nearly everyone’s eyes widen in realization before smirks quickly appeared on their faces. 

Manotaur #3: Not MAN enough!? (Stomps forward) 

Chutzpar: Destructor… 

Manotaur #3: Not Man enough!?

Chutzpar: He didn’t mean it. 

“Oh, he meant it” Allen snickered in amusement. 

Manotaur #3: I have three Y chromosomes, six adam’s apples, pecs o my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLE!

A few people stared at the screen uncomfortably at this. 

Dipper: Seems to me you’re too scared to teach me how to be a man. Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like… Bock-bock. Bock. Oh, that’s weird-Bocock, bocAW! Is that?-BACAWK! That sounds like-BACAW! Yeah, a bunch of chickens!

Nearly everyone was in tears from how hard they were laughing. 

“He’s such a little shit and I love it!” Allen said through his laughter as he leaned on Elliott’s shoulder who nodded in agreement through his own laughter. 

Manotaurs gasp, and huddle again

Manotaur: I feel all weird. 

Manotaur #2: He’s using some sort of brain magic!

Dipper smirked to himself at this, his brain was far better than some stupid chest hair.

Manotaur #3: After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!

A bunch of people cracked up laughing once again

Manotaurs: Man! Man! Man! (continue chanting) 

Dipper: Great! Thanks guys, whatever it is, I will not let you down. 

“How can he go from a devious manipulator to a happy little puppy?” Alice asked in amusement and Emilia chuckled as she shrugged. 

Cuts to Dipper and the Manotaurs in front of a hole in the ground labelled “Pain Hole”

Dipper winced as he rubbed at his hand. 

Chutzpar: Being a man is about conquering your fears. 

Manotaur: For your first man test, you must plunge your fist-INTO THE PAIN HOLE! (Manotaurs wince) 

Susan and Matthew shared a worried look. 

Dipper: The what..?


Manotaur#2: (Puts fist into hole) Pain hole, schmainhole-WAHHH!! AHHH!!! (Slaps himself) AHH! (Runs off clutching hand) 

Nearly everyone stared at the screen with wide eyes while Susan and Matthew let out horrified gasps. 

Dipper: Are you sure this is really necessary? 

Chutzpar: You want to be a man, don’t you?

Manotaurs: Man! Man! Man! Man! (Continue chanting while 1 manotaur is punching another manotaur in the face)

“I don’t think this will be worth it Dipper” Ford remarked and Dipper groaned in agreement as he dragged his hand down his face. 

Dipper: (Puts his hand in the hole) AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Susan and Matthew let out choked off shouts of fear while Dipper just rubbed at his hand again. 

His screams cause birds to fly away. Cuts to Mabel and Grunkle Stan inside of the Mystery Shack. 

Mabel: (Sitting in chair) Alright! Let’s try to get that inner beauty on the outside. Smile harder. 

Ford frowned uncomfortably when he noticed the mark on Stan’s shoulder. 

Stan: (Struggling to make an unconvincing smile) EHHH… AGGHHH… 

Mabel: (Stands up in her chair) Harder!

Stan: (Still struggling to smile) AGGGHHH… WEEAAGGHH… 

“How is this so difficult?” Penny asked in confusion. 

Mabel: Perfect. (Yelling) Soos!

Soos: (Appears beside Mabel, holding sandwich) Sup, hambone. (Chews sandwich) 

Mabel: (To Soos) Wha’d’you think? 

Soos: AAAAAAHHHH!!!! (Throws his sandwich in the air, and runs out of the shack, leaving the door swinging on its hinges.)

A bunch of people laughed at this, none louder then Dipper who was really regretting missing out on this. 

Mabel: (Sighs) This is going to take some really great training music. (Holds up a CD labelled “Training Mix”, puts it in a CD player and presses play)

Camera zooms out, music starts, Mabel dances, Stan scratches his back. Cuts to Manotaurs and Dipper in a hot spring.

(So I have looked through a few different transcripts of this episode and I can’t find anything on the montage, and I don’t really know how to best describe it so for the time being I’m going to leave it out. Once I figure out what to do I’ll edit it in but for now, let's just say that they were all amused during the Stan and Mabel’s scenes and Susan and Matthew were horrified during the Dipper scenes.) 

Dipper: Guys, I just wanna say that these last few hours have been… I-I feel like there’s really been some growth. 

Glurk: I have a growth!

A few people cringed at this. 

Dipper: Glurk, you are hilarious today!

Glurk: (clicks tongue) 

Dipper: It’s just you guys took me under your wing, and have just been so supportive. 

Emilia frowned softly at this, she didn’t like the fact that strangers had been more supportive then Dipper’s own family. 

Chutzpar: (Makes hand gesture) Oh, stop. 

Dipper: No, you know what? You really have been. I think I feel like I’m finally becoming a man here. 

Chutzpar: (Waves hand) Not yet, Destructor. One final task remains. The deadliest trial of all. 

Susan and Matthew tense fearfully. 

Dipper: (Clenches fist) I’ve survived forty-nine other trials. Whatever it is, bring it on!

Manotaurs: (Together) Yeah!

Cut to a Manotaur lighting a torch. Camera pans around to where Chutzpar and Dipper are standing. Chutzpar licks a tattoo and applies it to Dipper’s arm. It reads “Rad Dude”. The other says “Too Cool”. Dipper stands up tall, and the first row of Manotaurs kneel before him. The row behind takes out bones and plays the other’s heads like drums. 

“Is the loin cloth really necessary?” Hillary asked and Dipper just shrugged. Meanwhile, his parents were to focused on their fear to disapprove of the tattoos. 

Chutzpar: Behold our leader, Leaderaur!

Cut to a view of a cave with two Manotaurs standing in front. They part, and an old, hunched Manotaur walks out. 

Old Manotaur: (Humming) Rum te tum tum…

“He seems a little fragile to be the leader of these guys” Abigail remarked and Dipper covered his eyes, he did not want to relive his. 

Dipper: Is he like the oldest, or wisest, or…?

Old Manotaur: (Raises hand slowly) Greetings, young- (A mouth comes down into the frame and eats the old manotaur) AAAGHHHHHH!

Nearly everyone jumped back in shock/fright. 

Chutzpar: Naw, he’s just the offering. That (Points upwards) is Leaderaur. 

Camera pans up to Leaderaur’s body, up to his head. He sucks on the old manotaur and swallows.

A bunch of people shuddered uncomfortably. 

Leaderaur: You - Your wish to be a man? 

Dipper: (Banging on chest) HUUUAAARRRRGGHHH!

A few people snickered in amusement at this. 

Manotaur: (Together) Yeah!

Leaderaur: Then you must heroic act, go to highest mountain (reaches into his chest and pulls out a spear) 

Everyone gagged and someone even threw up in the back. 

And bring back of...the Multi-Bear! (tosses spear at Dipper’s feet) 

Dipper scowled a little bit at the reminder. 

Manotaurs: (Gasp) 

Dipper: The Multi-Bear? Is that some sort of bear..?

“No, it’s just a very big beaver” August drawled sarcastically which earned them a snort of amusement from Dipper.

Leaderaur: He’s our sworn enemy! Conquer him and your mansformation will be complete.

Dipper: Conquer? I don’t know, man. 

Chutzpar: (Looks through Dipper’s backpack and pulls out the BABBA case) Destructor, is this yours?

“Why was he going through your bag?” Lillian asked and Dipper hummed. 

“I think he was looking for more jerky” He replied and a few people made sounds of understanding. 

Dipper: (snatches it) Oh no! Hah ha. I don’t know whose that is, just borrowing it, friend’s, not mine.

Manotaurs: Mmm, I don’t know about this… 

“Better think of something quick” Jason remarked. 

Dipper: Uh… (walks back to the spear) Hmph. (picks it up over his head) I SHALL CONQUER THE MULTI-BEAR!

Susan and Matthew tense fearfully.

The manotaurs cheer. Leaderaur spouts fire from his nose. A fire spark falls on Dipper. 

Dipper: (puts out the fire) I’m okay!

Scene cuts to a montage of Dipper climbing up the mountain. Dipper arrives at Multi-bear’s cave. 

Dipper: I’m comin’ for you, Multi-Bear. 

A few people leaned forward eagerly. 

Cut to Mabel

This earned whines from the people who had been looking forward to the fight. 

Mabel: Okay, Grunkle Stan. You started like this… (Puts up Stan’s before picture) But you became… (Lowers picture to see Stan with messy clothes and sweat) 

“How did he get worse?” Jennifer questioned in disgust. 

Stan: Can I scratch myself now? 

Mabel: No! No, no, no! Is that throw up on your shirt?

Stan: I don’t know how to answer that. 

Stan covered his face as a bunch of people cringed in disgust. 

Mabel: (Rips the before picture)

Wendy: Face it, Mabel. Your uncle’s unfixable. Like that spinning pie thing in the diner. 

Mabel: Grunkle Stan, come with me! (Runs to the door) And leave your pants at home!

A bunch of people gave Mabel slightly disturbed looks at this. 

Stan: With pleasure! (Walks to Mabel)

Now they were looking at Stan equally disturbed. 

Cut to Dipper entering the cave. 

Dipper: What is a Multi-Bear? 

Behind Dipper, the Multi-Bear wakes up. Dipper then notices the Multi-Bear behind him. Multi-Bear roars.

“Oh, that’s a Multi-Bear” August remarked weakly. 

Dipper: Oh, that’s a Multi-Bear.

August snorted as they shared an amused look with Dipper, neither of them noticing the scowl on Gabriel’s face. 

Multi-Bear: (Many bear heads roaring; main head:) Bear heads, silence! (Hits the head still roaring. It gets silent after a bit) 

A few people chuckle at this.

Child, why have you come here?

Dipper: Multi-Bear! I seek your head! Or, one if them, anyways? There’s like-what? Six heads? 

Even more people laughed at this. 

Multi-Bear: This is foolish! Leave now! Or die!

Susan and Matthew’s hearts squeeze in fear. 

Dipper: (Points his spear at Multi-Bear) 

Multi-Bear: So be it! (Heads roar; he charges at Dipper) 

Dipper: (Runs up the wall) 

A bunch of people blinked in surprise at this. 

Multi-Bear: (Smacks a pile of bones towards Dipper) 

Dipper: (Hides behind a rock, avoiding the bones. Jumps on one of Multi-Bear’s head and runs to the top, choking the main head with the spear and making the Multi-Bear fall down) 

Robin tilted his head curiously, he wondered if he could convince Dipper to join his martial arts class. Though he supposed it wasn’t Dipper he would have to convince he mused as he glanced at Susan and Matthew who were staring at the screen fearfully. 

A real man shows no mercy!

Multi-Bear: (Sighs) Very well, warrior. But will you grant a magical beast one last request?

Dipper: Uh… Okay.

Multi-Bear: I wish to die listening to my favourite song. 

“That’s pretty reasonable” Justin remarked offhandedly 

Zoom out to a tape player. 

Multi-Bear: The tape is already in there. You can just hit any- (Dipper presses a button) Yeah, yeah, that’s it. 

The song “Disco Girl” plays.

“Your kidding” Someone muttered in disbelief. 

Dipper: You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA? I-I love BABBA.

Multi-Bear: I thought I was the only one. All the manotaurs made fun of me because I know all the words to the song “Disco Girl.”

“That’s why he’s their sworn enemy?” Lucy questioned baffled, that was such a dumb reason to hate someone for. 

Dipper: Oh, you mean (singing:) Disco girl… 

Multi-Bear: (Singing:) Coming through…

Multi-Bear and Dipper: (Singing:) That girl is you! Oo-oo o-oo!

“This is so pure” Mabel gasped out with a wide smile on her face earning her a fond eye roll from Dipper. 

Dipper: (Laughs) This is crazy! Finally someone who-who understands- uh… Oh yeah. I guess I’m suppose to kill you? Or I’ll never be a man?

A bunch of people shared concerned looks, Dipper wasn’t actually going to kill the Multi-Bear… was he? 

Multi-Bear: I accept my fate.

Dipper: No! (Pause) Really?

Multi-Bear: It’s for the best. 

Dipper: (Raises his spear

A bunch of people sucked in a shocked gasp. 

But it hits the floor of the mancave.) I’m not gonna do it. 

Those same people let out breaths of relief. 

Leaderaur: You were told! The price of man is the Multi-Bear’s head!

Dipper: Listen, Leaderaur, alright? You too, Tesosteraur, Pubertaur, and… I don’t know, whatever you’re name is. B-Beardy. 

Beardy: It’s Beardy. 

A few people snorted in amusement at this. 

Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks, and being aggro all the time, but I’m starting to think that stuff’s malarkey. 

A bunch of people nodded in agreement/approval at this. 

The manotaurs gasp.

Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don’t have muscles, or hair in certain places, and… sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes, I leave it on! ‘Cause dang it, top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason! They’re catchy!

“You tell ‘em Dipper!” August cheered and Dipper smiled widely. 

Chutzpar: Destructor… What are you saying?

Dipper: I’m saying the Multi-Bear is a really nice guy. And you’re a bunch f jerks if you want me to cut off his head!

Leaderaur: (Stands up and destroys the spear) Kill the Multi-Bear or never be a man!

Dipper: Then I guess I’ll never be a man.

“How were you able to stand there and say that so calmly?” Hillary asked stunned and Dipper simply shrugged, he really didn’t know how he was able to do that. 

Chutzpar: Boohoo! Weak!

Manotaurs: Boooooo! Lame Boooo!

Chutzpar: Hey guys! Who wants to go build something and knock it down!

The manotaurs cheer and leave, chanting “Man!” several times. Dipper kicks a rock away and walks away. 

“Can’t change ‘em all kid” Horace remarked sympathetically and Dipper sighed in agreement. 

Cut to Greasy’ Diner. 

Lazy Susan: (Hitting pie trolley) SPIN! SPIN!

Mabel: (Enters with Stan) Lazy Susan. Listen: I know he’s not much to look at, but you’re always fixing stuff in the diner, and if you like fixing stuff, nothing can use more fixing than y Grunkle Stan! 

“Awe that’s kinda cute” Lucy said sweetly and Mabel smiled widely in agreement. 

Also, women live longer than men so your dating pool is smaller and you should really lower your standards. 

Everyone blinked at the screen in surprise before a bunch of people cackled in amusement. 

“Susan!” Matthew gasped as he looked at his wife who covered her mouth as she continued to giggle a little bit. 

“Sorry sweetie” She said sheepishly. 

Stan: So, Lazy Susan, what do you say?

Lazy Susan: (Leaves) 

A few people shot Stan sympathetic looks but he just looked vaguely constipated. 

Stan: Uhhhh… (Walks away) 

Lazy Susan: (Comes back with a piece of paper and a piece of pie) Heeeeyyyy! Here’s my number. Why don’t you give me a call some time? 

Stan covered his face as he groaned, this had been such a big mistake. 

Stan: Really?!

Lazy Susan: REALLY!! HAHA. Also: here’s some pie. On the house. For YOU! (leaves) 

Mabel: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! We did it! When are you gonna call? You wanna call now? I don’t have a phone. Let’s buy a phone! We can put it on a credit card. Let’s get a credit card. 

“Deep breaths” Dipper instructed teasingly and Mabel huffed as she pushed his shoulder playfully. 

Stan: Mabel! Let a man enjoy his pie, huh? 

Mabel blew a raspberry at Stan who just chuckled fondly. 

Dipper: (Comes up to the restaurant)

Mabel: DIPPER!! It’s me, Mabel! I’m looking at you through this glass! Right here! This is my voice! I’m talking to you from inside!

Dipper: (Nods and give Mabel a “Calm down sign.

A bunch of people chuckled at Dipper’s expression. 

Comes inside)

Mabel: Did you see me through the-?

Dipper: Yes.

Mabel: What’s wrong?

Dipper: I don’t want to talk about it. 

“Talking will help” Penny said softly and Dipper hummed in agreement. 

Stan: Good.

Dipper: It’s just these half man half bull humanoids were hanging out with me… 

Stan: Here we go. 

A bunch of people chuckled at this while Dipper just rolled his eyes good-naturedly. 

Dipper: But then they wanted me to do this really tough, horrible thing but it just wasn’t right. So I said no. 

Stan: You were your own man and you stood up for yourself. 

Dipper gave Stan a warm smile in gratitude which he returned. 

Dipper: Huh?

Stan: Well, you did what was right even when no one agreed with ya. Sounds pretty manly to me but, what do I know?

Nearly everyone nodded in agreement at this. 

Dipper: (Smiles) 

Mabel: Wait a minute, do my eyes deceive me? You have a chest hair!

Dipper: (Checks his chest and gasp) You’re right! I do! Ha ha, this is amazing! I really do! Take that, man tester! Take that, Pituitor!

“Talk about convenient timing” Allen quipped in amusement and a few people snorted in amusement. 

Stan: Pituitor? 

Dipper: This guy has chest hair!

Mabel: (Pulls it out and puts it in a journal) Scrap-book ortunity!

Nearly everyone stared at Mabel in shock. 

Stan: Don’t worry, kid, if you’re anything like me, there’s more where that came from. (Rips open his shirt) 

Quite a few people gagged at this. 

Dipper: OH, GROSS!!!


Dipper: Seriously, that’s disgusting. 

Nearly everyone nodded strongly in agreement. 

Stinger: Stan is sitting on the chair next to the phone. The phone rings. 

Stan: Oh, not again!

A few people gave Stan curious looks but he just groaned and buried his face into his hands. 

Answering machine: Message number: 36

Lazy: (Over answering machine:) Hey, handsome! It’s me, Lazy Susan, calling to say hi: Hi! My cats also wanted to say hi! Say hi, Donald!

“She’s a crazy cat lady isn’t she?” Ford asked in amusement as he looked at his brother who groaned again as he lifted his head to give his brother a glare. 

“It was a mistake” He grumbled which just earned him laughter from Ford. 

Donald: (Over answering machine:) Meow.

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Good, Sandy, you say hi!

Sandy: (Over answering machine:) Meow.

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Mr. Cat-face, now it’s your turn to say-

“She’s completely MEOW” Heather tried to say only to flush in embarrassment when a bunch of people started laughing at her, this dumb censoring was driving her nuts. 

Mr. Cat-face: (Over answering machine:) MOOWW!!!!!

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Mr. Cat-face!

Mr. Cat -face: (Over answering machine:) MEEEEEOWW!!!!

“I don’t think Mr. Cat-face likes you very much Grunkle Stan” Mabel remarked teasingly and Stan just huffed as he rolled his eyes. Yeah well, he didn’t like Mr. Cat-face very much either. 

Lazy Susan: (Over answering machine:) Well, anyways call me! Call me back! (Hangs up)

Stan: How do I get out of this?!

Just about everyone laughed at this, as they laughed the golden light appeared around the notebooks before disappearing. It took a good while for everyone to calm back down and when they did the trio of code breakers got back to work as the next episode started playing.