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“Oh my god, Patrick. Your mom just…did she see…”
“Pretty sure, yeah.”
“I mean, the blankets were covering everything…”
“Sure, we’ll go with that.”
“So maybe she wasn’t sure what she was seeing in the very, very brief instant before she screamed and slammed the door.”
“David, my ankle was over your shoulder.”
“I’m just saying there was room for interpretation.”
“I was literally telling you to fuck me harder.”
“Oh my god.”
“Yep.”
“We can never see them again, Patrick.”
“But baby, tomorrow’s Thanksgiving—”
“Don’t you even.”
“—and there will be pie.”
“Oh goddammit. Why. Why did you remind me about the pie?”
“Because I need you to stop eyeballing the window like you’re going to make a break for it.”
“I could make it. We could just stay up here til your parents are asleep and climb down the lattice.”
“Say what?”
“Uh huh. Then you can throw our luggage down and we’ll drive away under the cover of darkness.”
“David, we don’t have a lattice.”
“Fuck.”
“But we do have covers. And we should absolutely get back under them.”
“You’re taking this all very calmly.”
“Yes, well, I’m not taking it at all is the problem.”
“Oh my god, really?”
“Remember, David? Like I was taking it three minutes ago?”
“Yeah, I caught the reference, thanks. I’m just trying to figure out how you can possibly still be horny right now.”
“Because we haven’t fucked in four days.”
“Well, three, if you count the shower handjobs—”
“Four days, David.”
“And handjobs absolutely count because sex—”
“Four. Days.”
“—doesn’t have to be penetrative, that’s such a shitty and reductive construct, really—”
“David, I would like it to be penetrative. I would like a lot of penetration. Immediately, ideally. Do you have any idea how hard it was to sneak in a prep shower in this house? There is one bathroom.”
“Yes, and while I do appreciate your efforts on that front, I will sadly be unable to get an erection ever again because your mom just saw us fucking—stop licking that!”
“Come on, David, we’re married. They know we have sex. And they aren’t coming anywhere near this room right now because they think we’re fucking. So if they already think we’re fucking, at the very least I’d like to actually get fucked.”
“How are you so blasé about this? I’m seriously asking. Blue shirts and not talking to your parents about your sex life are pretty much your personal brand.”
“It’s natural, David. Sex is natural.”
“Okay, no, huh uh. What horrifying piece of information am I missing here that makes you so calm about this?”
“Nothing! No horrifying information.”
“Patrick.”
“It’s just. Well…”
“Oh my god, what?”
“This isn’t the first time my parents have walked in on me doing...stuff...and, I don’t know, it sort of stops being life-ending after the third time or so.”
“Please define ‘doing stuff.’”
“Well, Mom and Dad walked in on Rachel and me a couple times over the years. Thankfully with blankets covering… stuff then too.”
“Silver linings, I suppose.”
“Yeah, no kidding. And. Um. Dad walked in on me talking off one of my college girlfriends over the phone.”
“I’m beginning to understand why your parents didn’t guess you were gay.”
“Really? Because while I was telling her I was going to eat her out until she screamed, I was fully clothed, flipping channels, and my dick wasn’t even hard, so I feel like maybe there was a little room for interpretation there.”
“Wow, who knew you had that kind of dirty talk in you?”
“I bet I’d be a lot better at it if it were for my husband, who I’m actually attracted to.”
“To whom.”
“What?”
“My husband, to whom I’m actually attracted.”
“A little less attracted now.”
“Good.”
“Although...”
“Oh Jesus Christ.”
“Now you’ve got me thinking about things.”
“Mm, congratulations on having positive alpha waves.”
“So you don’t want to hear about how I’m thinking about eating you out until you cry?”
“I...no.”
“You sure? I’d lay you out on the bed, face down, and—”
“I’m not listening.”
“—spread your legs open wide and lick your—”
“Holy shit.”
“—pretty pink hole until it was all soft and open and wet—”
“Oh no, you will not lure me with your—with your masculine wiles. You can just stay right there and—what are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why do you have the covers back up?”
“No reason.”
“I can see your fucking hands doing—whatever they’re doing.”
“I mean. If you’re curious, you should get under the covers and investigate.”
“Patrick Anthony Brewer, are your fingers in your ass?”
“...Possibly?”
“...”
“It’s just. All that talk about eating you out was really inspiring and—”
“I cannot believe you right now.”
“—mmfph, it’s been four days, and I just can’t help but notice...”
“What? What did you notice? There is nothing to notice.”
“I can’t help but notice that you’re still in bed.”
“That’s because we can never see your parents again, remember?”
“Okay, yes, but also, you’re still naked—”
“Well, we were talking. It seemed rude to interrupt.”
“—and you’re actively humping my leg.”
“Fine, you’re right, that part was on purpose, but I may still be, purely as an involuntary physical response, somewhat aroused.”
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
“I will not repeat that.”
“It sounds like you just said I’m right.”
“You can wipe that smirk right off your face any time now.”
“Mmmmm, how about you make me.”
“You are not going to annoy me into fucking you. That’s not how arousal works.”
“You sure you don’t want to wipe that smirk off my face? Maybe by fucking me? Your dick is definitely on Team Fuck Patrick More.”
“Don’t listen to my dick, it can’t be trusted.”
“Shhh, I’m listening to your dick.”
“What are you—”
“Your dick is very quiet, so I need to get closer.”
“Oh my g—That is not how you listen.”
“More like…hugging, technically.”
“Shut up and keep doing that. I can’t believe I’m hard for you right now.”
“Aw, that’s just what every man wants to hear, baby.”
“I think I have an annoyance kink—oh god don’t stop.”
“I can work with that. Where’s the lube?”
“We’re really bringing the romance here. You still want to be on your back?”
“Mmhmm, we always bring the romance—yeah, right there. It’s just like I said, that day on Rattlesnake Point. You remember what I said that day, baby?”
“Ooh, the part about me being the love of your life?”
“No, after that. Oh god, faster.”
“The part about it being the easiest decision of your life?”
“After that.”
“Okay, well, I give up.”
“Remember after we kissed and kissed and I put the rings on your fingers—oh fuck, that feels good…”
“Yes…”
“And then I looked deep into your eyes…”
“Uh huh?”
“…and said ‘Come on, David, this ass isn’t going to fuck itself?’”
“Mmm, yeah, I definitely remember that. Who said romance is dead?”
“Exactly. Now shut up and fuck me.”