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Cellular Triangulation

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Troy and Annie get out of the car so that Troy can walk Annie to her apartment, and then it’s just Jeff and Britta and Abed left in the car, all of them in the back seat, Britta in the middle. Almost immediately, Jeff and Britta start making out, muttering about what are we doing, and this is a bad idea, and Abed sits and stares at them, wondering if they even remember he’s in the car. They seem to be getting more and more carried away, and Jeff is starting to pull Britta’s sweater off, and Abed decides to remind them of his presence by clearing his throat loudly.

Jeff and Britta both freeze and turn to look at Abed, who raises an eyebrow and waits. He expects them to apologize, maybe, or to yell at him for interrupting. Instead, Jeff leans over Britta and reaches a hand out to cup Abed’s chin. Before Abed even knows what’s happening, Jeff is kissing him. Jeff is kissing him, and it’s nice, it’s warm and wet and surprisingly passionate, and Abed kisses back, he leans into it a little, lifts a hand to touch Jeff, and --

Now Britta is the one clearing her throat, and Jeff and Abed break apart, and Abed doesn’t stop to think, he just leans in and kisses Britta, and they’re already pressed up next to each other, so he rests a hand on her waist. Her mouth is smaller than Jeff’s, and softer, but she kisses him hard and fast, like she has something to prove. She tastes like olives and her breath is hot and quick, and she makes soft sighing sounds in the back of her throat, which Abed likes very, very much.

There’s a shifting, and Abed sees Jeff slip a hand onto Britta’s hip, and he reaches his other hand towards Abed. Abed isn’t sure what to do so he takes it in his own, but then Jeff yanks Abed’s hand towards himself and puts two fingers in his mouth, sucking hard. Abed makes a sound without meaning to, his body suddenly on fire. Britta pulls away from Abed then and turns around, taking Abed’s fingers out of Jeff’s mouth and kissing him again, and she reaches her hand towards Abed and starts patting him, reaching, until she finds his thigh, and she rests her hand there. 

Abed’s head is spinning but he knows that Troy is going to come back any second, and he doesn’t want to miss one more chance to kiss Jeff, knowing this may be his last opportunity. So he reaches out and grabs Jeff’s leg and squeezes, and Jeff looks up at him and Abed crosses the distance, putting one hand behind Jeff’s head and kissing him again, this time with more confidence and desperation. He’s very aware of Britta’s hand still on his thigh, the way she keeps rubbing and stroking. He thinks he sees her doing the same thing to Jeff’s other leg.

He reciprocates by snaking a hand over to Britta’s breast, catching her eye for consent before he touches her, then dipping his thumb down her shirt and bra and flicking it across her nipple. She draws in a loud breath, and he leans over and kisses her softly, and Jeff follows, and all of them are moving and shifting, hands roaming, tongues colliding, and Abed pulls his hand out of Britta’s shirt just as the car unlocks, and when Troy opens the door they are sitting innocently all in a row.

“Happy birthday, Troy,” Jeff says, clearly trying to sound chill.

“Happy birthday,” Abed and Britta echo.

“Thanks,” Troy says, and he seems a little distracted, which is probably for the best. 

He takes Britta home first, and then Jeff, promising to return the Lexus tomorrow. Finally he drops Abed at his dorm, and he’s just barely stepped inside when his phone rings, and Jeff shows up on the caller ID. 

“Hi, Jeff,” he says cautiously, wondering if this is going to be a ‘let’s never talk about this again’ phone call. 

“Hey,” Jeff says, and he sounds a little out of breath. “Uh. Britta is on the line, too. Right?”

“Yeah,” comes Britta’s voice. “Hey, Abed.”

“Hi, Britta,” Abed says. “Um, what’s going on?”

“We just thought,” Jeff says, “that after what happened in the car, maybe we could all use a little bit of...closure.”

“Closure? Like, you want to talk about what happened?”

“No,” Britta says quickly. “Closure, like...we want to finish what we started.”

“On the phone?” Abed asks, still unclear about exactly what is happening.

“Yeah,” says Jeff. “Haven’t you ever had phone sex, Abed?”

“No, I’m usually too busy having real sex,” he shoots back, not appreciating Jeff’s tone.

“Okay, okay,” Jeff says. “That’s fair. I didn’t mean to imply--”

“Then don’t,” Abed says. “Okay. So, are we doing this or what?”

“Yeah,” Britta chimes in. “Yeah, we’re gonna do this. How, uh…How should we start?”

“Tell me how you’re feeling right now,” Jeff says. “After doing what we did in the car.”

“Hot,” Britta breathes. “Abed, that thing you did with your thumb…”

“Yup,” says Abed, sitting down on the bottom bunk and stretching out. “What about it?”

“You have...nice fingers,” she says. “Really nice.”

“Thank you. Do you wish I’d had a chance to do more with them?”

“Yeah,” Britta sighs.

“Do you wish I’d had a chance to touch you other places?” he asks.


“Do you wish I’d had a chance to slide them up your skirt? Slowly, maybe?”

“Abed, what the hell?” Jeff interrupts. “Since when are you so good at this?”

“I know you all think I’m a nerdy virgin,” Abed says. “And that’s fine. Tell me if you still think so when we’re done here, though.”

“Shut the fuck up, Jeff,” growls Britta. “Abed. Please. Don’t stop.”

“Are you picturing it?” Abed asks softly. “My hand up your skirt, brushing against your thighs. Sliding your panties to the side, touching you…”

“Oh…” Britta gulps. 

“Feeling how slippery and wet you are. Exploring with my fingers. Jeff, are you going to jump in here or what?”

“Uh,” coughs Jeff. “Okay, imagine me kissing you, Britta. Hard. Biting your lip a little, and you digging your nails into my shoulder.”

“Mhmmm,” Britta says, her voice shaking a little.

“Now imagine my fingers pushing deep inside you,” Abed says. “Two of them. And then three. And my thumb rubbing you, and you squirming in your seat.”

"Okay," Britta gasps, her breath coming quick and ragged. “Okay.”

"And I'm pulling your shirt off," Jeff says. "Unhooking your bra. Running my hands over your bare skin. Sucking on your neck." 

Britta doesn't say anything, but Abed can hear her breathing and humming a little. Probably trying to keep quiet. 

"Now imagine me going down on you, Britta," Abed continues, and he can hear his own voice getting a little breathless. "My fingers still inside of you, curving, reaching. Stroking. My tongue licking you exactly where you need it the most. Imagine how much you need it, Britta. How much you want it." 

The sounds Britta is making have turned desperate.

“Do you want it, Britta?” Abed murmurs. “Does it feel good? Me fucking you with my mouth and fingers?”

At this, she cries out. She gasps a few times, breathing hard. 

"Britta, did you just come?" Jeff asks gently after a moment.

"Yep," Britta says, sounding a little dazed. "Um. Wow." 

"Cool," Abed says. "Cool cool cool. Now what?" 

"I'm gonna let you guys take care of each other," Britta says. "And I'm going to, um. Go take a bath. Or something." 

"You do that," says Jeff, and Abed can hear the smirk in his voice. 

"Goodnight, Britta," says Abed. 

"Goodnight," Britta says. "Abed…you are really good at sex. Or at least, good at describing it." 

"I know," says Abed. "You'll understand why if we ever play Dungeons & Dragons together. Bye." 

"O- kay… bye," Britta says, and hangs up. 

"You still there, Abed?" Jeff asks. 

"Yup," says Abed. 

"How do you want to do this?" 

"I thought you were the expert," Abed deadpans. "But why don't you do what Britta did. Tell me what you liked in the car."

"I like the way you kiss," Jeff says immediately. "It's intense." 

"Okay," Abed says. "Imagine us kissing. It's sloppy and frantic. One of my hands is on your cheek and the other is on your waist." 

"And I take your hand off my cheek and pull back from the kiss," Jeff says. "And then I put your fingers in my mouth and suck on them again. Hard."

"Good," Abed says, laying back on his bed and unbuttoning his jeans. "I like that. A lot." 

"Then I sit down on your lap, facing you. Straddling you. Pressed up against you." 

"You're better at this with me than with Britta, I think," Abed says, pulling his pants and underwear off and dropping them on the floor, then quickly ditching his cardigan and t-shirt. "Does that surprise you?" 

"A little," Jeff admits. "But we can discuss that another time. Imagine me on your lap, now, hard and rocking against you." 

"Yeah, okay," breathes Abed. "And I'm hard, too, and I'm moving to meet you, to make more friction. And I'm squeezing your ass with both my hands." He's picturing it, and as he does he starts to touch himself. 

"That's good," Jeff says, and his voice is starting to sound ragged, and Abed is wondering if he's touching himself, too. And then he realizes there's an easy way to find out. 

"What are you doing right now, Jeff?" 

"What? I'm talking to you," Jeff says. 

"Right, but what are you doing that's making your voice sound like that? It can't just be the things we're saying." 

"It's the things you're saying," Jeff admits. "And, uh, having my hand shoved in my pants is probably helping." 

"Oh," Abed says faintly. "That's good. That’s...very good." 

"Yeah," Jeff says. "It is good. What are you doing?" 

"Pretty much the same," Abed says. "Touching myself. Imagining it's you."

"Okay," Jeff says, his voice a little strangled. "Okay, uh. That's good. I can…picture that." 

"Good," says Abed. "Now picture us making out while I wrap my hand around your dick. Picture me jacking you off, slow at first, but then faster as you get more desperate." As he speaks, he follows his own narrative the best he can, picturing them kissing as he strokes himself. 

"Oh," says Jeff, and he's breathing hard, and in the background Abed can hear the sound of skin on skin, fast and erratic, and it’s overwhelming, but in a good way.

"Picture yourself getting close," Abed hisses, shutting his eyes as he does the same, and it's easy for him to picture, because he is. 

"I'm close, Abed," Jeff groans. Abed can hear him shifting on the bed, or chair, or whatever he's sitting on. He's panting into the phone. 

"I want to hear you come, Jeff," Abed says, his voice breaking. "Can you do that for me?" 

"Oh. Oh, fuck. Fuck. I'm coming, I'm --," Jeff whimpers, and moans loudly, and his breath shudders.

Abed moves his hand more frantically as he listens to Jeff, and then he thinks of Britta, and the way she sounded through her orgasm, and the way she kisses, and the way Jeff kisses, and then he's tensing up and coming hard, painting hot stripes across the skin of his stomach and biting his hand to keep everyone in the dorms from hearing him. 

They're both silent for a few minutes. Abed tries to catch his breath, his head fuzzy and ears ringing a little. 

"That was…so good," Jeff says finally, sounding sleepy. 

"Uh-huh," Abed agrees. "I told you I was good at sex." 

"I'll never doubt you again." 


"Goodnight, Abed," Jeff says quietly. 

"See you Monday, Jeff," Abed yawns, and hangs up the phone.