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only for you (i'd kill for you)

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"Only for you." Shuhua smiles.

 

Shuhua had always been following Soojin since they were kids. Shuhua despite being smaller and younger had always been Soojin's saviour. Though Soojin is different.

 

Soojin always try to avoid Shuhua as much as possible, especially when her friends are there. Let's just say she's one of those who are friends with the popular kids and are too embarrassed to introduce their childhood friend to anyone. Soojin acts like she's never met Yeh Shuhua.

 

It started like this:

 

Soojin was in seventh grade while Shuhua was in her sixth. Shuhua had never been apart from Soojin, she was always with the older girl during recess and would walk Soojin home. But in seventh grade the older girl would always make excuses, do absolutely everything to avoid Shuhua. Shuhua didn't mind, she was okay with it. She's the one who took an oath to stay by the older girl's side, not Soojin.

 

"Soojin, let's go home." Shuhua approached her. Soojin didn't join her for lunch and break time, she assumes the older girl had just met some friends and would like to spend some time with them. The younger is okay with that, she can  just take Soojin home.

 

"Sorry, Shuhua, I'm busy. You can take me home tomorrow, not now." Soojin excused. Shuhua nods, bidding her goodbye by tip-toeing to kiss Soojin's forehead and head to her mom's car.

 

Soojin's friends approached her, not seeing the scene to Soojin's relief.

 

"Let's go." The one of the girls, James, smiles at her. Soojin smiles when she felt the boy's hand on her waist.

 

Everyday it was the same, she would make an excuse so she won't have to hang out with Shuhua and swing by James' or Chaewon's place after school.

 

"But you said that I could take you home tomorrow, which is today." Shuhua says, blinking at the older girl. She didn't know why Soojin was breaking her promise. Was it a promise? She didn't know, but Soojin always stick to her words. Soojin is changing. Shuhua didn't mind.

 

"I'm sorry, Shuhua, but James and the others invited me. I hope you understand." Soojin excused. Shuhua nods her head slightly before reaching up to kiss Soojin's forehead to which the older girl avoided by pulling away. "You don't have to kiss my forehead everytime we part ways, Shuhua."

 

The younger frowns. "But it's our thing."

 

"We're no longer kids, Shuhua. It's not a very friendly thing to kiss someone on the forehead." Shuhua nods, understanding the older girl before she bids her goodbye and head to her mom's car.

 

Then more change happened: Soojin is kissing the boy named James. It confuses Shuhua for a second, but then she reads that it meant Soojin and James are exclussive. She chose to respect it.

 

"Hi." Soojin smiles.

 

Shuhua had always thought the older girl is beautiful, now she's just stunning. Soojin had dyed her hair blonde, Shuhua thinks it fits Soojin.

 

Shuhua's mood falls when she sees the couple kissing. She quickly shoves her book in her locker before slamming the door closed.

 

Then more change happened: Soojin is not only ignoring her, but she's noticed the older girl is obviously avoiding her. She wonders what was wrong. Did Shuhua forget about their friendship anniversary? Did Shuhua forget to buy Soojin a gift on the older's birthday. No, she didn't.

 

Shuhua's in ninth grade and Soojin's a sophomore. Shuhua have noticed how distant they've been, and how Soojin would always brush her off anytime she tries to approach her. It hurts Shuhua, she doesn't know why since the older girl have her own life and she has hers, but she tries to understand.

 

She'd once intruded Soojin and James making out in the laboratory. Shuhua tries to ignore the heavy feeling in her chest, seeing the girl flushed against someone who's not her. She fails and run away.

 

Shuhua walked into James and Soojin making out. James was pressed against Soojin who was sitting on the table with her legs wrapped around the guy's waist.

 

Soojin was the first to pull away but kept her legs around her boyfriend's waist for support. "Oh it's just you." She says it as if Shuhua's just an acquintance, just someone she saw once or twice at school.

 

Shuhua runs.

 

James was confused at first but ignored it and went back to Soojin.

 

Shuhua was shocked at how angry she is. She's never felt any hatred towards anyone, she always think that everyone have their bad days, everyone had someone hating on them for completely no reason, and she has no intention in contributing hate to the world. But she saw how close James is to her Soojin. Her Soojin. The Soojin she grew up with, ate ice cream together in the park, Soojin who taught her how to swim so she won't be scared of water anymore.

 

She feels devasted, beyond confused.

 

Shuhua knew what she felt for Soojin was more than a friend, she knew she wanted Soojin. She knew she had feelings for the older girl when Soojin kissed her on the cheek before parting ways. She knew she had a crush on Soojin when she begged her mom to take her back to the park where she met Soojin, asked Soojin's mom for their number so she could invite the older girl to their house and talk to her more.

 

God, Shuhua's never been so frustrated before.

 

Shuhua saw how James slapped Soojin across the face when they were fighting at the garden behind the school. She remembered how furious she was that she couldn't even remember what she did to have James lying on the ground with his hand on his bloody lip.

 

Shuhua remembers how Soojin quickly tends to her boyfriend and shouted at the younger girl for saving her. Shuhua remembers how angry and mad Soojin was at her, and how she felt worse because not only is Soojin avoiding her but pretends like the younger girl doesn't exist.

 

"No, I saw it. You were completely in awe looking at him. You think you're so attractive? You think you can seduce every guy in this school and neglect your own boyfriend?" James yelled, cursing as he puts his hands on his waist.

 

"That's not what I meant. Why do you have to make everything about you? Why is everything my fault? You know that I don't give a shit about anyone interested in me. Stop being so paranoid-"

 

"I'm paranoid? I'm not the one turning my head when my boyfriend catches me eye-fucking someone when I think he's not looking."

 

(*** assault ***)

 

"Oh my god, get your head straight-" Soojin didn't even see it coming until she felt a hand against her cheek. Soojin looked at him with hatred.

 

"What now? You're angry? If you're angry then punch me. Go get that shovel and hit me with it if you're so angry." James fell to the ground with a loud thud.

 

(*** end ***)

 

Soojin only looked at the culprit before tending to her boyfriend. "Shuhua, what did you do that?!" She screams at the younger girl.

 

"That bitch is crazy!" James shouted, massaging his jaw.

 

"Soojin, he slapped you-"

 

"So? It's not your place to do anything, Shuhua. He's my boyfriend. This is our relationship. Only James and I can deal with our problems. Stop forcing yourself in my life. We're no longer friends. We're not kids anymore. Stop following me like a lost puppy." Those were the last words she heard from Soojin.

 

Shuhua thinks if she kept quiet Soojin would give her some attention. Then it comes into Shuhua's mind that if she didn't do that she wouldn't know that she was bothering Soojin, and that the older girl didn't want her anymore. Shuhua thinks it was good that she did that, at least Soojin told her why they're no longer close.

 

One day when Soojin came to school, Shuhua saw a bruise or two on Soojin's body. One on her arm and another on her thigh. Shuhua wants to question it but she remembers that she's bothering Soojin, and whatever problems the older girl has she's out of it.

 

"What's that on your arm?" She couldn't take it anymore, sitting at the table in front of Soojin's, seeing how the girl's face contructs in pain.

 

"Nothing, Shuhua. I thought our last conversation meant for you not to talk to me ever again."

 

Then Soojin is in college and Shuhua is in twelfth grade. Soojin changed school, and Shuhua have found the courage to interact with other people. In her senior year, she met Yuqi and Soyeon. Then in twelfth grade she met Miyeon and Minnie who were friends with Soyeon.

 

Soyeon was held back a year because of financial problems, so she's in the same grade as Shuhua and Yuqi's. Minnie and Miyeon were the age, they're on their second year  of college.

 

Shuhua thinks she's happy with her new friends, but she can't help but think about Soojin. The older was pretty much all she thinks about. Shuhua likes to think Soojin misses her too.

 

"Okay, I gotta go now, Soojin is calling me." Miyeon excused, putting her lipstick in her purse.

 

Shuhua raised an eyebrow. "Soojin?" She asked.

 

"Seo Soojin, a friend of mine. She's in her first year of college." Miyeon said, in case Shuhua knew about the Soojin she was talking about.

 

"Oh." Shuhua nods her head slightly.

 

"Is she a friend of yours?" Miyeon asked. Shuhua nodded.

 

"Yes. Used to be." She smiled.

 

Miyeon nodded her head slightly at the youngest before saying her goodbye to her friends.

 

Shuhua thinks she doesn't miss Soojin that much as she used to when she was in her first month in twelfth grade. She's feeling pretty good about herself to be able to move on from her first love.

 

But then someone knocks on her door in the middle of the night. She's been alone for a year and a little over now since her parents moved back to Taiwan, thinking that their little girl is old enough to be left alone in Korea. She's still afraid of the unknown though.

 

She opens her door, and to her surprise it was Soojin. Just when she thought she's moved on, the older girl is back.

 

"Are you okay?" It was the first question that left Shuhua's mouth. The younger girl examines Soojin and sees how the older girl is shivering, and how her clothes are a little torn as if it was pulled harshly or something. Shuhua chooses not to jump into conclussions. "What's wrong?" She asked but the older girl just walked passed her.

 

"I don't- I know I don't deserve this, but something happened and I just found myself on your door." The older girl starts, her lips shivering, her voice shaking. "I don't wanna talk about it. Can I- Can I stay here, Shuhua?"

 

"Sure. You can, of course." The younger answers before locking her door. "You can tell me whenever you're ready. Let me get you something to drink, okay?" Soojin shakes her head.

 

"Can I take a bath here?" The older girl suddenly asked. "I feel so dirty right and I need to clean myself somehow." Soojin was slurring her words, that if she won't talk fast enough she would just breakdown in front of Shuhua.

 

"Okay. I'll get you a towel and some clothes." The younger nods and Soojin waits downstairs until Shuhua came back with a pair of clean pajamas and a pink towel.

 

Shuhua pretends like she didn't hear Soojin's broken cries in the bathroom. She prepares the older girl a cup of hot choco and comforter. That's what Soojin's mom had been doing everytime Soojin was crying or in a bad mood.

 

"Are you okay now? I made you some hot choco like your mom used to make." Shuhua added that part, maybe something that would interest Soojin in trying the hot choco to calm herself.

 

"Thank you." Soojin appreciated, taking a seat on the couch.

 

(***tw; sexual harrassment (not the sooshu part)***)

 

Shuhua was surprised to see Soojin by her door. She already prepared the guess room, made the bed and all. And her room is not that clean so she feels a little embarrassed that her long time crush is seeing the trash she's living in.

 

"Shuhua, can I sleep here instead?" Soojin asked. Shuhua gulps at that.

 

"Sure."

 

Soojin lays beside her.

 

Shuhua felt how the older girl tremble against her, how Soojin must feel so scared right now. Her curiosity and concern pushed her to ask, "what happened?" She asked softly, gentle with her words so she won't scare the older girl away.

 

"Shuhua." Soojin starts before facing the younger. Then Shuhua is shocked when Soojin led her hand to the older girl's breast. The younger saw how Soojin shuts her eye as she trembles in fear. Shuhua feels more scared for Soojin.

 

James' friend was pulling her clothes and kissing her neck as she screams for him to stop. Soojin didn't know what to do.

 

She just pulled away and push, and push Jeonwoo away but he kept coming at her and hold her in place, gripping her boob and the other on her bottom. The moment she got her hand on the bottle of beer on the table, she didn't hesitate and hit him on the back of his head, resulting the glass to shatter in pieces before she runs.

 

"I wanna forget. I hate it. I don't like it. It stings, his hands against my skin. I hate it." Soojin cries, her grip on Shuhua's hand tightening. "Please clean it." The older begs in broken sobs.

 

Shuhua didn't know what to do. She could never take advantage of Soojin. She would never.

 

"Please, Shuhua. I don't want his hands to be the last thing I feel. Please, I need it off me." Soojin led Shuhua's hand to her center, stayed there. Shuhua's touches were always a delight but everything she feels right now are his hands, and everytime she closes her eyes all she see is him.

 

"Soojin, no-"

 

"Please. It hurts. Touch me, Shuhua. I won't beg for anything else." Soojin begs.

 

Shuhua knows Soojin will regret it, and she will too.

 

And they did.

 

(*** end ****)

 

 

Soojin didn't know how she got here.

 

Shuhua killed James. Shuhua killed two people to be exact. All her life she knew Shuhua as the younger girl she met at the park, by the monkey bars. Soojin knew Shuhua as someone kind and beautiful, who wouldn't harm a fly.

 

(*** murder, suicide ****)

 

"Soojin." Shuhua's eyes were glassy, her hands were full of blood. Soojin cries when she saw the two men behind Shuhua.

 

"Shuhua, what did you do?!" She screams broken, both scared for the younger girl and Shuhua.

 

Soojin remembers how she took a knife to protect herself. Soojin remembers vividly how Shuhua gasped when the knife went through her. Soojin remembers how still, with love, Shuhua looked at her with her dying breath and says to her, "Thank you, my love."

 

"Thank you, my love." Shuhua whispers before she falls to the ground. She was losing a lot of blood, Soojin knew it too.

 

And Shuhua took her last breath looking at Soojin the same way she looked at the older girl the first time they met.

 

"Soojin-" Yuqi was in shock.

 

"S-she killed James and Jeonwoo. I didn't know what to do. I-I- What did I do?" She was in shock herself.

 

"You asked her to." Yuqi screams. Although she was in a huge mess, nothing can compare to the devastation she feels of losing her friend.

 

Soojin now remembers when she said she wanted James and Jeonwoo dead for what they did to her. Soojin remembers how Shuhua looked at her before the younger kissed her on the forehead.

 

Soojin rememers how she took the same knife she pierced through Shuhua's chest against her own. She remembers how Yuqi screamed and asked for help.

 

Soojin remembered how she took her last breath beside's Shuhua's lifeless body.

 

(*** end ***)