Work Header

Yennefer, The Lunch Thief & Inspector De Vries

Work Text:

She couldn’t believe it had happened again. This is the fourth time this week that her fucking pasta salad had been stolen out of the fridge at work. It wasn’t exactly subtle it was hers since she had written her name and quite a few threats all over it.

The lunch thief didn’t seem to care about her threats.

She stormed over to her desk, throwing herself down in the black computer chair and placing her head set on her head. Triss stared at her, an amused expression on her face as she picked at the entirely too health Salmon Salad in front of her.

At least Yennefer’s had bbq sauce and chicken in it.

“Lunch thief strikes again, huh?” Triss asked as she opened her diet coke, taking a sip and looking for too amused at the rage filled expression on her friend’s face. “You know you should just tell Tissaia, I’m sure she can threaten everyone until they stop taking it.”

“No, because she finds it just as amusing.” Yennefer fumed. “I thought having her come into the room would be fun, you know?” She huffed. “We haven’t even had sex on a night shift Triss, what is the point in having your sexy temporary Inspector girlfriend working with you, if you aren’t sneaking off for a fumble in one of the meetings rooms?”

“I’m quite enjoying Sabrina taking over from Tissaia, she’s got even more of a sexy air about her, she’s all…in charge.” Triss wiggled her eyebrows and Yennefer gagged. “You don’t get to gag when you’ve just told me how you want to drag Tissaia into a meetings room and fuck her.”

The throat clearing behind them, made both of them freeze. They shared a look before turning round and finding Tissaia, staring at them both with an unamused expression on her face. No longer was she in a stab vest, now she stood behind them in a neatly ironed white shirt, black tie hanging down, black trousers and heals. Her hair still in a tight bun, she shook her head at the both of them.

“You know, they only let me work in here with you both if I agreed to be discreet about my relationship with Yennefer, yet I walk up to your desk to find you both talking quite loudly about fucking in a meetings room, which Yennefer, I will tell you again, will never happen.” Tissaia smiled as her girlfriend huffed. “Now, I heard that you had your lunch stolen again, so please have mine.”

Yennefer watched as Tissaia placed the purple Tupperware in front of her. She opened it and found a salad that matched Triss’s. She remembered that they had both agreed to make lunch for each other a week at a time, so that they would continue to eat healthily. Groaning, she picked up her fork and began to eat the salad like it was poison.

“You are so very dramatic, Yennefer Vengerberg.”  Tissaia couldn’t help but smile at her girlfriend. “Now eat your lunch and get on with your work, there are lives to save.” She walked of and Yennefer couldn’t help but follow her with her eyes, how did she get this lucky?

Of course, that was until she realised it was Tissaia eating her lunch.

It didn’t take long for her to realise it was her. Not really. It only took her about another week. She had decided to place just a small amount of blue ink underneath the clasps of her lunchbox. When she and Tissaia had gotten home to Yennefer’s place, for a night of watching movies, (they put a movie on and it takes just under five minuities for Yennefer to pounce on her) that she noticed the blue ink on her girlfriend’s fingers.

She was furious.

She thought back on the week and a half of her getting her lunch stolen. Each and every time Tissaia would give her, her healthy lunch and she would say she would go to the tuck shop in the firearms building to get some noodles.

She had never seen her eat those noodles.

She remembered the small knowing smile on Triss’s face. They’d been working together. They’d been working together to get Yennefer to eat healthily. Gone was Yennefer’s full fat BBQ sauce. She was met with Tissaia’s low fat garlic and herb salad dressing.

This was the worst betrayal she had ever faced.

She couldn’t believe this. Couldn’t believe her girlfriend and her best friend had worked together like this. They’d tricked her into eating low fat meals. She knew she had a habit of eating unhealthily. Cake for breakfast. Energy drinks practically injected into her veins.

Who doesn’t eat an entire bag of Haribo Tangfastics to themselves?

Who on this earth doesn’t order a big mac, large fries and 9 nuggets?

She was still moderately healthy. She went to the gym. She walked places. She knows they’d worried about her health. Tissaia was constantly telling her she would have a heart attack. She knew they were coming from a place of love. She knew they loved her.

It didn’t mean that Yennefer wasn’t going to get her revenge.

The next day after the realization that Tissaia was a filthy lunch thief and a disgrace to her badge, Yennefer decided to add an extra ingredient to her chicken BBQ pasta salad with extra BBQ. She decided to add four table spoons of chilli powder. 

Would this embarrass Tissaia in front of the entire control room?


Would Tissaia no doubt murder her afterwards?


For Triss, she decided on something simple. Triss couldn’t take sugar. It made her super hyper. She always got Triss’s Vanilla latte with sugar free syrup. She texted her to let her know that she would pick up the coffee’s this morning. Tissaia would be driving herself to work as usual, in case anything occurs and she is required to stay in the control room to a run a serious incident.

She drove to the Starbucks drive through, a big grin on her face as she told the barista that both syrups would contain sugar today. The Barista raised her eyebrows at the manic expression on Yennefer’s face.

She really enjoyed revenge.

As she got to work and parked up. She walked up the drive with a smirk etched on her face and an extra swagger in her walk. She couldn’t wait to see how this went down. She knew she would no doubt get an angry text message from Sabrina. She’d put up with Triss hyper before. She’d almost killed her after the fifth time she’d asked Yennefer if she thought Eels had dreams.

She sat down at her desk and placed the coffee cup next to her. She listened to Coral go on and on about the on going issues that faced the channel. She found that since the virus had hit their land, people had gone even more insane, clearly making up for lost time while they had been quarantined.

She enjoyed Triss’s face as she sat down next to her when Coral had logged out of her computer and she’d taken a sip of the coffee. She’d told Yennefer it tasted different. Yennefer just smiled lovingly at her and assured her that they had just changed the recipe of the syrup.

When Triss had logged in, she had gotten up and placed her lunch box in the fridge in the kitchen as she always did. She walked past the desk that her girlfriend sat at and beamed at her. Tissaia narrowed her eyes at her. She knew Yennefer was up to something but Yennefer knew that her girlfriend was too much of a stickler for the rules, to question her.

It took thirty minutes for the sugar to really hit Triss. She watched as the woman’s hand began to shake. She got her first text from Sabrina when Triss had begun to say puns over the radio for her own enjoyment.

Sgt Sabrina: What have you done? Why is my girlfriend constantly saying sheep puns?

Second Favourite Dispatcher: Tell your girlfriend to stay the fuck away from my BBQ chicken Salads.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as Triss’s phone lit up. She bit her lip as Triss furrowed her eyebrows at the text before her eyes went wide. Her head shot down and her mouth fell open as she stared at Yennefer.

“You’ve got me a drink with sugar in.” She stated. “You’ve made me hyper, you know, you know about the salad.”

“Revenge is so sweet Triss.” Yennefer turned round and manically grinned at the girl next to her. “Stay the fuck away from my lunch from now on, you know if you’d have asked I would have swapped to a low fat BBQ sauce.”

“Yennefer!” Triss squealed. “You know what I get like when I have sugar, oh my god, all those sheep puns, Sabrina must be so embarrassed, I look like a right weirdo!”

“You plotted against me with my girlfriend and got her to steal my lunches, I don’t even like Salmon!” Yennefer argued back. “I get it was for my own good but did you really think I wouldn’t figure it out, did you really think I wouldn’t react?!”

“I thought Tissaia would distract you by taking her shirt off or something and then you would forgive us both!” Triss sighed. “Fine, I’ll leave your lunches, please just don’t ever give me sugar again, you know I always end up with a sugar hangover.”

Yennefer chuckled and reached down into her backpack, throwing some pain killers at her best friend.

“I’m not that mean.” Yennefer shook her head as Triss smiled at her before taking the pain killers and putting them in her back. “Please don’t mess with my lunches again.”

“I promise, brownies honour.” Triss replied, whilst saluting her. They shared a look when they heard their Inspector scream.

“What the fuck Yennefer!” Tissaia screamed, as she practically threw the lunch across the room. “Chilli powder really!”

“Stop stealing my lunches!” Yennefer fired back, standing up at her desk. “You’re the god damn lunch thief, you should arrest yourself!”

“I gave you a better lunch that wouldn’t give you a god damn heart attack!” Tissaia fired back, a furious look on her face as the room went silent. “Sorry, I didn’t want you to die a young age with bbq sauce veins.”

“If its so bad, why did you eat it?!” She huffed, staring at her girlfriend as she chugged water.

“I gave you my lunch, I couldn’t afford to bring another one as you would figure it out, so I would eat half of it and then eat whatever power bars I had!” Tissaia wiped her and made a face at the left-over burning taste in her mouth.

“I..” Yennefer trailed off. “I appreciate you caring about my health Inspector but please refrain from stealing my lunches or I may have to make a police report.” Yennefer sat down and ignored the furious stare from her girlfriend.

She was in trouble.

Yennefer sat at home on her sofa, pretending to read a book. She knew Tissaia would be at hers soon. The woman had in fact had to stay behind and de brief the officers after a car had failed to stop and then proceeded to crash into a house.

She knew that Tissaia was annoyed at her. Well, furious really. They were supposed to be discreet. They had both promised the upper corridor of higher officers that they would be discreet. Instead, Yennefer had threatened to file a police report against her girlfriend and boss.

Ohm Tissaia was going to kill her.

She heard the door unlocked and the sound of Tissaia dropping her keys in the bowl by the door and removed her heels. She didn’t know why the woman didn’t just move in with her. They stayed here most of the time. She had spare keys her. The woman’s entire wardrobe was pretty much in Yennefer’s room.

They’d been together for just over six months but been inseparable since.

It would be crazy to ask her wouldn’t it?

The woman would surely say no.

She put her book down as Tissaia stormed in, throwing her bag across the floor and opening her mouth to begin to yell at her girlfriend. She stopped before she had even started as Yennefer bit her lip and refused to look her in the eye.

“What’s wrong?” Tissaia asked, worry spreading through her body. “I..I’m mad but, this isn’t a deal breaking Yennefer, I’m not going to..”

“Move in with me.” Yennefer interrupted her. “I know you’re mad, I know I probably took this too far but suddenly, I just thought, I want you to come home to me every day, I’ll even let you make me healthy food, I just…I know its soon but, I’m in love with you and I don’t want to come home to anyone else or have anyone else come home to yell at me.”

Tissaia gaped at her. She’d full on expected to come home and yell at Yennefer until the woman seduced her in the way only Yennefer could. A flutter of those eyelashes, the smirk on those ruby red lips.

“You’re not just saying this to stop me from being mad at you?” Tissaia asked voice cracking slightly, as emotion filled her body. “You’re not just saying it?”

“No, I’m in love with you, I don’t care if you steal my lunches, I don’t care if you don’t want to fuck in break rooms or meetings rooms, I just want you, I want you home with me, I’m sorry I went against the rule of discreet and I’ll take any punishment the chief’s dish out, I don’t care as long as I get to come home to you.” Yennefer said as she stood up and grabbed Tissaia’s collar pulling her in close. “I fucking love you, Inspector De Vries.”

“Oh Yennefer.” Tissaia smiled. “You’re honestly the most frustrating person I’ve ever met and I’ve never known someone to get under my skin as much as you do but I want to come home to you too, I’m sorry for stealing your lunches and most importantly, Dispatcher 12503 Yennefer Vengerberg, I love you too.”

They kissed passionately in the middle of Yennefer’s, no their living room. BBQ pasta salad’s forgotten. Blue ink, Triss’s sugar rush forgotten. They made their way slowly up the stairs, uniform falling to the floor as they began to show each other, how much they truly loved each other.

Ignoring Yennefer’s phone as it buzzed away from texts from Sabrina.

Sgt Sabrina: She keeps asking me if Eels have dreams, Yennefer, I’m going to fucking kill you.

Sgt Sabrina: She keeps singing girls by N Dubz, Yennefer. What the fuck.

Sgt Sabrina: I’m arresting you for this, I don’t know how yet but Tissaia will help me.


Sgt Sabrina: Thank you for the pills.

Sgt Sabrina: She’s asleep now but I still hate you.

Sgt Sabrina: Fuck you, Yennefer.