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The Usual

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The Usual - Sam Fischer 

 

Saw this coming in a vision all a sudden

On the sofa watching reruns of Friends

Wish my life was like on TV, everything would be so easy

But it's not

 

 

The smell of liquor and cigarettes. The dim light of the TV lighting up the room. Bad jokes and an annoying laugh track repeating itself.

Clothes that are way too dirty to be worn outside of this apartment. 

For the first time in days, you look at yourself in the mirror. Your skin is pale and your eyes are dull. You remember the way your eyes used to light up.

You wish life would be as perfect as it seemed to be on TV.

 

 

You and I would be together

You'd say leave and I'd say never

And the music it would play out on repeat

But I saw this in a vision

I was warned but I don't listen

Now I find myself back at the start again

 

Soft hands hovering over your skin, leaving marks all over you. Hungry eyes staring right through you. Your favorite song playing. Your hands tangled in her hair. Lying in the bed you fought in two days ago. The bed you couldn't hold back your tears in a month ago. 

„Lauren..", your name escaping her lips so quietly, that you almost think it's a dream. The same lips that told you to get the hell out of my apartment two days ago. The same lips that know how to please you in all the right ways.

Your friends telling you that they are concerned. Telling you that you don't belong together. Showing you pictures of her in his arms on their Instagram feeds.

The same way she perfectly fitted into your arms moments ago. Her steady breathing against your chest and the way her hair smelled so good. It always does.

Waking up in the morning and the emptiness in your bed. Leaving nothing but the trace of her sweet perfume and some strands of hair. 

Feeling broken. Naked and vulnerable. Feeling out of place in your own bed, your own apartment, your own home. Realizing you have given in once again. Regret washing over you and tears burning behind your eyes. 

Being used. 

 

 

I can't believe I'm letting go

It's only for the best, you know

This is just the usual, the usual for me

Now, baby, don't feel bad at all

I know you take it personal

But this is just the usual, the usual for me

 

Blocking her number for what feels like the hundredth time. Throwing shirts into the back of your closet. Picture frames that are facing the wrong direction. 

Crying for days. Ignoring her. Looking at pictures of her smiling and kissing his cheek. 

Knowing they were right when they told you she's messing with your head. Her words ringing in your head. They are jealous of us, what we have. 

Realizing there is no we.

Her  best friend telling you she's sorry. Telling you that she wants to talk. 

Thinking about how she lied when she told you she would leave him. Believing her every single time.

A never ending story.

 

 

Nah, don't text me, don't try

It's not worth it, I won't lie

There's better ways to waste your time tonight

I know it's not original

It's only for the best, you know

This is just the usual, the usual for me

 

Unblocking her late at night and receiving all the messages she sent. Feeling everything but nothing all at once. Blocking her again.

Staying in bed all day. Watching your favorite show. Living off of junk food and ice cream.

Seeing her smile in her Snapchat story. Asking yourself if she's thinking about you. Fighting the urge to call her. 

Going out with your friends. Drinking way too much. Smiling at the cute girl at the bar. Taking her home. 

Her being the only thing that's on your mind the whole time.

 

 

Am I love drunk? In my head I feel so fucked up

Like I can't hold my liquor anymore

I hope I'm not hungover, when I wake up and we're over

And I find myself back at the start again

 

Not waking up alone. A different body lying next to you. Blonde hair spread out on your sheets. Not remembering anything.

Thinking about her.

Suddenly feeling dizzy and rushing to the bathroom. Throwing up in your toilet. 

Telling the girl you will call her. Never calling her. Trying to distract yourself. Looking at old pictures. Your thumb hovering over the delete button. Turning off your phone. 

Going to your mutual friends birthday. Locking eyes with her as soon as she enters the room. Holding her gaze as long as you dare. Feeling dizzy again. Drinking way too much and pressing her hard against the door of your apartment.

 

 

And I said to myself a couple months ago

That this time will be different but, man, I should've known

That I would mess this up, the best I've ever had

And just when I got used to thinking this time it'll last

 

Her body next to yours in the morning. Breakfast in bed. Dark brown hair in a messy bun. Lying in bed wearing nothing but your oversized shirt. Kissing the top of her head and wiping chocolate from the corner of her mouth.  Her mischievous grin and her sparkling eyes. Kissing her like it's the last time you'll ever kiss her. Happiness.

Asking her if she is going to leave him like she told you last night. Thinking about her whispering all these things into your ear. Believing her when she told you you're the one she wants. 

Noticing how the expression of her face changes. Her eyes being empty again. Not being able to read her face again. Anger building up. Her telling you it isn't easy. 

It isn't easy for you either.

The slam of your door.

 

 

I can't believe I'm letting go

It's only for the best, you know

This is just the usual, the usual for me

Now, baby, don't feel bad at all

I know you take it personal

This is just the usual, the usual for me

 

Feeling like you’re moving in circles. Ignoring her when you see her on campus. Spending more time with you friends. Realizing how much you have missed them. 

Changing the pictures in your picture frames. Throwing away the old ones. Getting things done you’ve been pushing back for months. 

Feeling like yourself again. 

Studying for your finales. Falling asleep over your biology notes. Sitting in front of her in all your classes so you don’t have to think about her.

Hearing that she broke up with him. Feeling everything but nothing at all, again. Her name on the display of your phone. Deciding to unblock her. Hoping she would text you. 

Weeks going by. Not hearing from her. Hearing rumors that she went back to him. 

Feeling hurt. Deleting her number.

 

 

And nah, don't text me, don't try

It's not worth it, I won't lie

There's better ways to waste your time tonight

I know it's not original

It's only for the best, you know

This is just the usual, the usual for me

 

Your doorbell ringing in the middle of the night. Opening your door with half opened eyes. Her eyes all red and puffy. Soft sobs escaping her lips. Immediately knowing what she wants. 

 

“What do you want?”, asking her anyway, your voice harsh and raspy.

Her being startled by your tone. Unsteady breathing. “Can I come in?” 

Her voice being vulnerable. You’ve heard this voice so many nights before. 

“He knows about us.” 

Not knowing how to react. Feeling guilty. 

 

“I want to be with you, Laur.”

 

Your stomach flipping over by the sound of the nickname. Remembering all the times she had called you that. 

Fighting back your tears. 

“We shouldn’t do this.”, you tell her. And again, like so many other nights, you can’t read her face because it becomes so unreadable and cold all of the sudden that it’s almost overwhelming.

“I won’t be your rebound again.”

 

Thinking about all the pictures you took that you couldn’t post. All the times your parents asked if there was someone special and the fact you had to lie to them. Not being able to go on actual dates and spending most of your time together in your apartment. Wanting to actually introduce her to your closest friends. 

 

“So the fact that I love you means nothing to you?”, her words cutting deeper than knives. 

 

Wishing you could tell her that you love her, more than you ever loved someone. Falling in love with her the day you first saw her. The way your heart skipped a beat when she approached you at the bar. The feeling in your chest when she leaned forward and asked you to get out of there. 

Falling in love with her. Wanting to tell her the day she wanted to come over for dinner. Your phone beeping.

 I won’t make it, I’ll come over later and explain. 

Her coming over later that night. Smelling like someone else. Explaining you how she is back with her ex boyfriend. Being heartbroken.

Also telling you that she loves you. About how she wants to be with you. Being with him and you at the same time. Keeping you a secret.

Playing along even though it meant getting your heartbroken on the regular. 

 

“I don’t want to be with you Camila, not anymore.”

 

“I don’t love you anymore.” Words so harsh that there’s blood dripping down your lips. 

 

Slamming your door. Leaving her outside of your apartment.

It’s way past 3 a.m. and you are heartbroken once again. Except, this will be the last time.