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A Letter to My World

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Dear Akaashi,

 

First of all, I accept your apology. I get it and I understand. I think I would have done the same too. With that being said, I had an internal battle of wanting you to be there and not wanting you to be there. I don’t know if I would have been able to walk across that stage and see you, knowing that I’d have to say goodbye to you afterwards. Sure, it hurt that you weren’t there, but I think it would have hurt more if you were there. The one time you were not there for me, I was sort of relieved because it felt like I didn’t have to say goodbye to you. I didn’t have to see the sad look in your beautiful blue eyes despite your calm face. Your eyes say so much more than you show, did you know that? I could go on and on about your eyes because I see the whole damn world in them. 

 

This is the part where I ramble about you so bear with me.

 

As I said, your eyes tell more than what you show. That’s why when I noticed you distancing yourself from me, I let it happen. I saw in your eyes the way you still looked at me with the same softness as if you were reassuring me that I’m the best there is. But I also saw longing and regret and I so badly wanted to replace it with happiness. Though, I knew I couldn’t because you were doing this for us, right? And I know I can’t stop you from doing what’s best for you or me, especially me (because you always consider me first and that needs to change because you need to think of yourself too), even if it means keeping your distance. It didn’t stop me from wanting to reach out to you and my patience was very much tested then. I wanted to hold you and tell you that everything will be okay because you did that so often with me. 

 

You’re always so composed and calm and never let anything get to you. You’re so strong all time that I see you as a superhero! It’s amazing to see how level-headed you are no matter the situation. You analyze and adapt especially with my little episodes. You’ve helped me through everything and you’re the reason why I’m as successful as I am now. I walked across that stage because of you. You’re my hero, Akaashi. You’ve saved me countless times in volleyball and school work despite you being a year behind me. I admit that I lack intelligence in some areas, but you are there to help me make up for it and I do the same with you, right? Our two kinds of smarts make us whole because we help each other, yeah? You admire me for getting through it all, but that’s because you played a big part in it too.  

 

Reason being: you make me want to better myself. You bring out the best in me, the best version of me. You feed my hunger of wanting to be the best out there because, yeah, I want to impress the world, but I want to impress you even more. You say that quitting wasn’t something that crossed my mind. Akaashi, I want to tell you how much of a lie that is. I’ve thought about it when times get tough but I didn’t want to. I could have, but I don’t have the desire to because when I feel so, so intensely about something like volleyball, I want to give it my all and then some. I want to continue to improve beyond my limits and create new ones. I have the need to grow and be the best at what I do. 

 

And I want to be the best at loving you. 

 

I feel intensely for you, Akaashi, even more than volleyball. I want you by my side as I grow and I want to be by your side as you grow. And then I want us to grow together. I want to love you beyond my limits and learn all the little things about you. Your likes, dislikes, your habits when you brush your teeth, everything. I want to know it all. I want to give you my everything, my 120% and more. That fiery passionate feeling of love you mentioned is what I feel for you. So this was my own roundabout way of confessing. Or maybe it wasn’t seeing as I basically told you that I love you already. Because I do, so, so much. We may be polar opposites, but we complete each other I think. No. I know we complete each other. From our different types of smarts to our different personalities. You fill in my blanks and I fill in yours. So, I want to say that instead of us being opposites, we’re complimentary, no? Because contrary to what you think, you lift me up and as I previously said, you make me want to be better. It’s like you light a fire under my ass so that I can be that better version. 

 

Now, all that’s left to say is that, you don’t know how happy I am that you weren’t able to get rid of your feelings for me. I’m glad that I’ve made such an impression on you that I’ve been imprinted in your mind. I’m so utterly ecstatic that you reciprocate my feelings because I don’t want you to watch me from afar. I don’t even want you to watch me, I want you to just be there by my side, just like you have been for the past two years. I want to hold your hand as I rise through the ranks because I want to show you off to the world the most. You have more than everything to offer me and sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve it. But I want to be someone who does. Listen to your heart more, Akaashi. Keiji, because more often than not, you’re always right when you do. Your eyes tell me that. 

 

Thank you, Keiji, for not giving up on me. And even if you did, I will do everything in my power to win that back because like you said, when you love someone, you’re never supposed to give up on them. 

 

Please don’t ever stop loving me because I am certain that I will never stop loving you. You’re the one for me. I’ve belonged to you since the start and I know that whatever life throws at us, we’ll get through it because we’re together. And I don’t know if this wasn’t obvious already, but I accept your feelings.

 

I love you, Keiji. I love you with every fibre of my being and even more than that. I love you. I love you. I love you. 

 

I love you. 

 

Love,

Bokuto Koutarou