I was writing to tell you
This was something I never intended to
Please, if I could ask, could you read this letter in its entirety before you form your opinion? I just have a lot to say, and I’d like for you to be able to receive all of the information at once before forming an inconclusive conclusion. Firstly, I’d like to sincerely apologize for not attending your graduation ceremony. I’d like to say that something came up or that I was ill, or some other excuse as to why I couldn’t be there. But that wouldn’t be the truth.
I was never very good at lying to you, Bokuto-san. Rather, I didn’t like lying to you. You were always so kind to me, even when we barely knew one another; so my not being at your graduation didn’t sit right with me, even though it was my own decision. And I am so so sorry for that, Bokuto-san. Sincerely.
I cannot imagine how hurt you must have been to see that I wasn’t there. I can only relive the pain that I felt in not being there. I wanted to be. God, I wanted to be there for you, Bokuto-san. To see you walk across the stage, congratulated by your friends and peers, your teachers and advisors, and to watch you get what you so rightfully deserve. What you earned. I watched you for two years, Bokuto-san. I watched as you struggled with your classwork, as you fought tooth and nail to maintain the captain’s position in the volleyball club. And that is not to say you are in any way not smart; I know you, Bokuto-san
, you’re smarter than me, I can vouch for that. I know it was just the educational setting that didn’t sit right with you, and I admired you so much for getting through it despite everything that was stacked on top of you, all the responsibilities that loomed over you.
Quitting was not something that ever crossed your mind, was it? I don’t think you even know the definition of that specific verb. You kept going, against all odds, and you conquered everything that was in your way. I think that was one of the traits I always admired about you, Bokuto-san. Your inability to quit, your dedication and passion to everything that you set your heart and mind to; that was what drew me to you, instantaneously and precariously. And that is why I have to write this letter today.
During the time that I was distancing myself from you — I’m sure you’ve noticed it by now, the couple weeks leading up to your graduation day, I’ve been fairly distant — I spent a lot of my free time thinking about you. Not surprising, since I tend to think about you more often than not, but I digress. Especially during these past few weeks, I could feel myself crippling under the pressure, the impending date that I’ve had circled on my calendar. I had two options: the first was to confess to you, and hope that you accepted and returned my feelings. The second was to forget, to force myself past whatever I was feeling to focus on the future. Your future.
I guess that’s my roundabout way of saying I have feelings for you, Bokuto-san.
During that time, I was adamant on getting over my feelings for you.
Not the best way to confess, I admit but
I couldn’t have feelings for you, Bokuto-san. I couldn’t drag you down to my level, not when you had so much riding on you, on your future. So I did what any sane person would do, and I tried to get over them. I tried my best to swallow down my emotions, any affections that tried to bubble up over the past two years, and I would squash them. I didn’t think it would be that difficult — I’m not exactly the most affectionate person to begin with, as you may know. So the concept of neutralizing my feelings, of redefining what you meant to me in my heart, was something I was accustomed to.
I was never really raised in a warm environment Nobody ever really showed that they cared that much
I never knew what love was, what the fiery passionate feeling of love felt like, until I met you, Bokuto-san. So getting rid of it was a lot harder than I had anticipated. Now, I believe I’m rambling, but I have always heard that getting my feelings all out in the open was therapeutic, and boy, am I needing some therapy. Because, Bokuto-san, I can’t get you off my mind. I tried. God, I tried. During those awful weeks of distance between us, I was forcing myself every day to think of things that I hated about you. To think of things that would make me hate you, as ridiculous as that sounds.
At first I thought it would be easy. You and I are like polar opposites; where you’re warm, I’m cold. Where you’re rough, I’m smooth. And so on. You’d think that it would be easy for me to say that you’re too boisterous, too loud for my liking, and I’d be able to move on. That’s what I thought.
How stupid am I?
Before you, people yelling and shouting was just noise, not anything I was particularly attracted to, platonic or otherwise. But with you, every word you say (no matter the volume) is full of meaning and passion, and I sit on the edge of my seat with every word you say. Because you can be ridiculous, Bokuto-san, but you always have something to say. An ulterior motive, an underlying meaning, or even just a witty remark. Everything you say is wonderful and supportive and kind, and I couldn’t find it in my heart to hate that about you.
Anyway, Bokuto-san, this is a long-winded letter when really I never planned to write this in the first place. I had every intention to just let you go after graduation, to let you rise through the ranks like you so rightfully deserve, and to watch from afar.
Because, really, Bokuto-san… How much can I really offer you?
But my heart won’t listen to my mind. Realistically I know that you don’t need me, that my feelings are more than likely not reciprocated by you, and that I should just move on.
But… What if there was a chance? My heart aches for you, Bokuto-san, every night, every morning, and every moment in between. And when you love someone, you’re never supposed to give up on them. And one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to experience in my life is deciding whether to walk away or keep trying.
So I’m not giving up on you,
I love you, Koutarou, and if you really don’t feel the same way, then I will let you go. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with myself if I didn’t try. I love you, I’ve always loved you, and I’ll never stop loving you; so please accept my feelings, Koutarou.