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whispers on the wind of academia (and booze)

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“Did you hear about that freshman?”

“What kind of a name is Shitty?”

“Does this Shitty guy even have a first name?”

“I heard Shitty came out of the womb with a mustache.”

“I’m convinced Shitty is a performance art piece.”

“Did you hear about that one time Shitty went into Ruthermoore’s class and gave an entire presentation on the effect of Jane Austen movie adaptations on expectations of modern romance WHILE WEARING ONLY A BEDSHEET! Ruthermoore says he was not enrolled in the class but it was well-presented.”

“Karine McNeal says Shitty is DB Cooper.”

“Every single Falcs game Shitty wears a signed Zimmermann jersey. It’d be gross except they’re different ones, and they’re somehow ALL signed.”

“Shitty hates the Providence Falconers.”

“Harrisson Lewis was crying on a park bench and Shitty pulled a baggie of mini pies out of his pocket and gave him them all, telling him he needed them more.”

“Someone told me the Falcs went on a losing streak and Shitty burned a burger in the middle of the road as a ‘sacrifice to the hockey gods’.”

“I was told Shitty jumped a Falcs fan once from a tree like a fucking drop bear.”

“I saw Shitty at a Falcs game once, he called Jack Zimmermann a sex icon and yelled something about getting in his bed.”

“Whatever Shitty’s sexuality is I do not doubt Jack Zimmermann is part of it.”

“Right before winter break Judie Post saw Shitty get out of a car with about 10 other people, including a guy who looked like Jack Zimmermann.”

“Did you hear that Shitty knows Sidney Crosby?”

“Brah, imagine Shitty without that mustache.”

“There’s a video out there of Shitty attacking Jack Zimmermann and no one stopping him.”

“Shitty is the Zodiac Killer.”

“I think Shitty played hockey at one point.”

“Occasionally Shitty shows up to parties with the Samwell Hockey team when they’re in town and I have no idea why, but they all know his name.”

“Ross Harden saw Shitty with a bunch of people in suits trying to fish coins out of a fountain as an ‘protest against the bourgeois’. Odd dude.”

“You know how Shitty’s last name is Knight? He’s an actual Knight, like the ones from Cambridge. Rickey Allard says he saw him flick a spitball at Oliver Knight.”

“Shitty knows the entire Boston Bruins team, which is why he hates the Falconers so much.”

“Shitty really hates Jack Zimmermann.”

“Chad Bader made a joke about Jack Zimmermann and cocaine once and I thought Shitty was going to attack him.”

“Shitty calls his dad by his first name. His dad’s name is Bob.”

“Haven’t you heard? Shitty has a brother named Jack, he talks about him a lot.”

“Abbey Peters thinks Shitty went to Brown, and I think that makes sense.”

“Shitty knows someone in the NHL.”

“Someone thinks Shitty is friends with the entire Samwell Hockey Team, which I think is highly doubtful.”

“I tried bringing up Jack Zimmermann once, because Samwell, and he proceeded to give a play-by-play of last night’s Falcs game but he talked about it like it was sex. Really weird guy.”

“Shitty’s parents live in Montreal.”

“Shitty knows how to knit.”

“Shitty is not straight.”

“Shitty can brew alcohol in a bathtub. I am not kidding, he did it in the Kalí Praxí house MLK weekend.”

“There’s a conspiracy theory floating around that Shitty isn’t human, he’s a robot created by MIT.”

“Shitty played D1 hockey.”

“Did you see Shitty on the news?”

“Shitty is best friends with a NHL player and my bet’s on Austen Matthews.”

“I think Shitty has rabies.”

“That Jack guy is not Shitty’s brother.”

“Is Shitty dating a dude?”

“Shitty can make moonshine so potent it can be used in hospitals as a disinfectant.”

“Shitty has a friend he calls Lardo, and he’s 6’6” or so and he is very loud. I think he plays hockey.”

“Shitty wasn’t born, he came into existence like an eldritch god.”

“Shitty is a trickster god who came onto this Earth to piss off stuffy Constitutional Law professors and you cannot convince me otherwise.”

“Shitty protested against immigration protesters by holding a sign saying ‘DEPORT CANADIAN GEESE, THOSE FUCKERS BITE ’. He was also completely naked, save some briefs with a massive eagle on the ass.”

“Apparently Shitty has a bunch of selfies with Jack Zimmermann.”

“Shitty went to Samwell.”

“Shitty Knight is the illegitimate child of Alicia Zimmermann and Samuel Knight which is why he knows Jack Zimmermann. Robert Zimmermann adopted him as his own, which is why they talk so often. I’m a Montreal fan, I know it’s Robert Zimmermann.”

“Shitty owns a bullhorn and has used it numerous times against geese.”

“Shitty has a ‘friend’ who doesn’t like people seeing his face. I think it’s his brother.”

“Shitty knitted his dick a hat.”

“I heard from Cecelia Daelman who heard from Fanny Gensch who heard from Carlie Payne who heard from JoBeth Lum that Shitty can make alcohol using only shitty weed and some water.”

“Shitty is frat bro Jesus.”

“Shitty is that guy that shows up in the background of Robert Zimmermann’s instagram stories on Christmas.”

“I asked Shitty the forecast and he squinted at downtown and told me it’d be sunny. He was right.”

“According to Emmit Drew, if you leave offerings at the base of the tree by the Physics department he’ll give you some sage advice. They actually work pretty well, allegedly.”

“When Shitty was born, instead of crying he screamed fuck.”

“Shitty is a famous musician like Hannah Montana but the fame made him a little crazy so now he’s doing snow angels with his dick hat on. Don’t look outside.”

“I asked Shitty if he really hated Jack Zimmermann and he cried.”

“Shitty climbs trees when he gets high.”

“Shitty climbs trees when he gets drunk.”

“Shitty climbs trees sober.”

"I think Shitty just likes to climb trees, but don't quote me on that."

“Shitty’s happiest yelling about feminism in a tree like some sort of cursed weed fairy.”

“Shitty hasn’t studied a day of his life.”

“Shitty has been on the news at least 7 times.”

“Shitty is banned from entering the Boston Globe’s headquarters after he released a bunch of doves into the lobby.”

“Shitty once got in a fight with Alexei Mashkov. Yeah, the Falcs player.”

“You know all those rumors about Shitty Knight are bullshit.”