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What to expect (When you're expecting)

Chapter 4: I'm not human (but I can fall apart)

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Here's chapter 4, hope you enjoy it!

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“Alex?” Kara was startled as she found her sister sleeping on the couch on a Monday morning. Not that it was unusual, but most of the time Alex warned her before coming or at least let her know.

“Speak low and turn off those lights” she groaned, grumpy, and pulled a pillow to her face, sighing “turn off the lights, please.”

“It’s morning, Alex” the blonde crossed her arms and stared at her “and there are no lights on, besides the sunlight.”

“Shit!” she groaned again and sat up. She had to work, either way, had to go home, get changed before heading to the DEO “damn, you look awful” she commented, noticing her sister’s swollen eyes and exhausted face.

“Thanks, you look beautiful too” Kara groaned, sitting down next to her “why are you here? Did something happen?”

“I should ask you the same” Alex frowned “you don’t look well, what is going on?”

“Don’t change the subject” both of them were trying to change the subject.

“I’m the oldest, so spill” Alex never got tired of using the same tactic “c’mon, you know you can trust me.”

“Right” she sighed, barely knowing how to begin “I… Lena and I… shoot” Kara closed her eyes, remembering the night before “we kind of had an argument, it wasn’t a… fight, I think” she bit her lips “I don’t know, Alex, I just… wanted to help, to make her feel better or something like that, but… I can’t… I…”

“Take a deep breath” she stroke her sister’s shoulders “tell me what happened.”

“She wanted to get the adoption papers ready” Kara pouted “but her lawyer told her to wait until the seventh month because she could change her mind. And I asked her... if…”

“She could change her mind” Alex nodded in silence “I see.”

“Lena said she needed to be alone and she… she sent me away” she sighed, fighting the tears urging to come “and that… hurt, a lot.”

Alex took a deep breath and tried to absorb that confiding. It wasn’t simple and much less easy to mediate that situation, especially because she had never been through that or seen someone face something similar to it. Kara was her sister and she would do anything to help her, but the things Lena had told her weren’t hers to share. They had to talk and tell each other how they felt, instead of running away and hiding.

“Kara, dear, listen” she ignored the migraine in her head, also called hungover, and stared at those always so pretty blue eyes “I know you love your friend very much, I know that seeing her like that pains you, and I also know that you don’t fully understand her.” the blond frowned. Alex was speaking greek to her “Lena has been through many things, things that you won’t ever know unless she tells you. You must understand that pregnancy doesn’t always bring happy feelings and moments” Alex explained “try to treat Lena with more patient, more understanding, and even with more love. I know, it’s complicated, but maybe you’re thinking too much about the child and forgetting who’s carrying it” she smiled fondly “be patient, Kara.”

“It’s so hard for me to understand and I swear I’m trying” she sobbed “just wanted… wanted to show her she’d not alone and she doesn’t have to be” Kara confided in distress “it hurts me so much, Alex, more than… kryptonite” that caught the redhead off guard.

“Tell her the truth, Kara” Alex hugged her sister, letting her cry on her shoulder. It crushed her heart to see her so broken

“I can’t, I can’t” she tightened her arms on the other woman’s waist “I can’t…”

“Why not?” she murmured.

“Because I can’t lose her, I can’t risk everything and…” Kara sobbed “and I…” her chest ached and she could feel her emotions getting out of control “that would be…:

“Kara, deep breaths…” she placed a gentle kiss on the blonde hair. Alex had never seen her so desperate and hurt. It wasn’t normal, it wasn’t usual for that to happen.

“I have to go” she got up fast after hearing a siren pass by the neighborhood “I have… have to go and you need to work” the kryptonian cleaned her face quickly and ran to her bedroom.

“Kara…” Alex got up and the room spun. Fucking hungover “Kara, come back… you don’t have to…”

Too late. As she got to her sister’s bedroom she caught a glimpse of a cape flying through the window and disappeared through the buildings of the city. On the clock, it wasn’t even past seven in the morning and the young Danvers had already forgotten breakfast, another sign saying she wasn’t well. Completely unwell. The redhead sat back on the couch and sighed, she didn’t know how to help or how to counsel her sister, that situation was so absurd that even her brain was getting confused. Ignoring her thoughts, she decided to take a shower before leaving for the DEO.

Maybe a little action could help her relax while the world around her was falling apart

 

***

 

Supergirl distracted herself for some time before going back to the base and her mood still hadn’t improved. Winn tried to cheer her up, talking about things the blonde usually enjoyed and even said they could go buy donuts from her favorite bakery. But nothing happened. Kara was barely able to hold a conversation or keep focus in a dialogue. J’onn noticed the hero’s tiredness, mentally and psychologically. Alex, who arrived shot after she left the apartment, kept quiet and watched her sister vanish through those many corridors.

If dealing with bad guys and aliens was tough, dealing with two women who were watching their lives fall apart was tougher. No one could do a lot or say things that would make things just right. Kara was scared and unable to say it out loud, at least for now. Keeping things to herself was her defense mechanism and that didn’t always do her good. Usually, she did it to protect the people she loved, to keep them safe and sound, and then forgetting to take care of her own beating heart and tired body. But how could she put all the dread and distress out there? No one had ever taught her how just like no one had ever told her how much it hurts not knowing what to do.

That’s why Supergirl went somewhere she could find peace, even though she wouldn’t get any answers. However, she expected that perhaps her anger and pain would diminish, that they’d be at least bearable and would let her think straight. Being filled with anguish suffocated her, it burned her deep down and tore her skin from inside out. Like kryptonite. It ached and she wanted to scream. She needed to scream. Closing the door behind herself, the hero turned the rectangular dispositive in front of her on and it quickly showed the image of a woman dressed in blue, long black hair falling on her shoulders. Her mother.

“Anything you wish to ask Alura, you may ask me” the image repeated the same programmed sentence, and for a few seconds, the kryptonian asked herself what she was doing there.

“I wanted you to be honest” Kara murmured, voice shaking.

“Be more specific” the frozen and inexpressive image of her mother answered with the mechanic voice.

“Why did you leave me?” she sobbed “why didn’t you let me stay?”

“I am not programmed to answer this.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it would hurt this much?” she raised her voice “tell me how it’s like to give up on who you love, tell me if it hurt you when you gave up on me like it was nothing!”

“I do not have enough information to give you an answer,” it repeated.

“How can I give up the only part of me?” she screamed “how? Tell me, mom! How can I be strong and watch someone I love to get lost and hurt herself? Why didn’t you tell it would be like this?” Kara sobbed, feeling her body lose control again “Lena is all I have! This child is all that I have left of Krypton, how can I ever let it feel the same way I do?”

“I am not programmed to answer this.”

“I also feel pain, mom!” she screamed “I bleed too, I fall and I also have a heart that can break! You couldn’t… you couldn’t…” the hero fell on her knees and hid her face behind her hands. Everything was suffocating her “you couldn’t send me here, expecting me to be human when you knew I’d have powers… you didn’t have the right” she sobbed “the responsibility… it… it hurts me, hurts who I love and you… you just… I don’t want to be brave…”

“Kara!” Alex walked into the dim room and stared at the figure resembling Alura, standing still, silent and unbothered. As always. “oh, Kara…” she got down and quickly held her sister in her arms “shhh, it will be okay…”

“No, Alex, it won’t…” she hid her face in the other’s arm “I’m so scared and I don’t like feeling this way” she sobbed “I can’t be weak… I can’t lose everything again, Alex… I don’t…”

“You won’t, you won’t” Alex repeated “you won’t” and kissed her hair, letting her tears stream.

“I couldn’t save them… I couldn’t…”

“Shhh, take a deep breath” she whispered tenderly “it wasn’t your fault.”

“Lena will never forgive me, but I can’t…” she repeated, weeping “this hurts so much, make it stop, Alex!”

“I wish I could, my love” she exhaled “look at me” Alex held her sister’s reddened and anguished face “you’re not responsible for anything that happened to your planet and your mother’s choices are not your fault. Take a deep breath” the blond nodded, trying to calm down “breathe with me, okay?”

Long minutes went by until Supergirl was able to calm down and breathe normally. Her eyes were still red, her face was stained with tears and her hands were shaking, this had never happened before. Fear might be capable of making the body react in strange and unexpected ways. Kara didn’t know how to deal with that, with the fact that she was so scared that her sight was clouded, getting in the way of her thinking. That ache in her chest wouldn’t stop and that exhausted her, in a way that she soon wouldn’t be able to bear.

Being strong demanded too much, being a hero, most of the time, led her to exhaustion. She always wanted to do the best for the planet that took her in so well and always wished to give the best of herself, to be the best version Kara had. Working at CatCo made her human but being Supergirl gave her a feeling that no one could take away, not the way they had taken her planet. That was the way of keeping Kryton alive. Flying gave her a sentiment of freedom as if she could fly back home in Argo City as if she could fulfill her dreams of seeing her friends one more time. Sometimes she would go so high she was almost able to touch the universe around Earth or even almost hold a star.

“Take the day off” Alex finally spoke.

“No” Kara persisted “I don’t want to stay home.”

“And you won’t” she smiled “you will leave here, get changed and you’ll spend the rest of the day with Lena, got it?”

“Lena? She’s… working, isn’t she?” the hero questioned.

“She also took the day off” she lied. In reality, Lena was sick and Alex knew that because she had texted earlier, asking if the CEO was fine after the night before, but she didn’t want her sister to know they had talked. Not yet. “C’mon” Alex helped her up.

“I don’t want to go looking like this…” Kara sighed “Lena is already dealing with a lot.”

“Get changed and show her you’re also trying to understand the situation” she said “now go, and let me know when you get there.”

“Alex” she smiled weakly at her sister “thank you.”

The redhead hugged her one more time and promised herself that she would do whatever she could to never see Kara so broken again. She felt angered by the whole situation, she felt useless for not knowing what to do and being unable to organize that chaos. She wanted to ask Alura if she thought her actions through if she considered what Kara wanted or thought because that still pained her sister. So many lies and so many secrets, nothing ever worked out if you’re honest.

 

***
Lena woke up that morning and went straight to the bathroom, head aching, and stomach complaints. She couldn’t understand why that happened, she hadn’t anything out of the ordinary after she arrived home. Okay, maybe she did try to eat a cereal bar that would spoil soon, but she didn’t think that would cause a whole reaction of disgust in her body. It was like that child didn’t approve of her healthy eating choices. Damn it. She was tired and annoyed, nerves on the edge, and had a sore throat. She waited for her blood pressure to go back to normal and walked back to bed. Without any strength to lift a finger without throwing everything up.

She called Jess and warned she wasn’t going to L-Corp in the morning but would try to show up in the afternoon. She also asked for her to send all the documents and to forward the most important emails to her account, she was going to read them as soon as she got better. As she tossed the phone aside, the Luthor shrank underneath the blanket, still feeling a cold sweat stream, the body shaking, and slept. Her mind was grateful for the resting, as were her feet. She couldn’t even think of wearing one of her tourney skirts and always so high heels.

No, she definitely wouldn’t put herself to deal with slow men and tight clothes.

The conversation from the day before exhausted her. Venting, crying, feeling. The feeling was tiring. She never thought she’d talk to her best friend’s sister, the person who first judged her as Luthor, the woman whose fiance arrested her. What was happening to her life? Why was it all changing? Not that it was a bad thing to talk to the agent, it was still weird and well, she apologized and was extremely honest. Something the Luthor truly values. It was hard to find people like that these days. However, even with the unusual date last night, Lena didn’t figure out why Alex was drinking to forget. What did she want to forget?

At the end of the night, the redhead was in no shape of putting two and two together. Because of that, the CEO didn’t let her drive and took her to her best friend’s apartment, knowing Alex would be safe there. The redhead complained all the way there, saying she could take care of herself, that she didn’t need a nanny, and would be fine on her own. However, if the Danvers wanted to be stubborn, Lena could easily beat her at this game. No way she would let the sister of the person she loved the most in the world to be in danger or alone in that chaotic state. Never.

When the clock hit close to nine and a half, the dark-haired woman rolled over the bed and heard the bell ring. Grudgingly, she tossed the blanket aside and made her way to the kitchen first. Her mouth was dry and her lips were chapped, her throat was still sore due to the vomiting and her whole body felt like it was crushed before she fell asleep. The sentiment was the worst of all. She grabbed a water bottle and drank it in one gulp. feeling the cold liquid go down in relief. The bell rang one more time and only then Lena remembered she was going to get the door.

“Kara?” Lena looked at the blonde, who was carrying a brown purse and had hair falling on her face.

“Hey…” her voice resonated hoarsely, which made the other woman worried “I.. er, I came because…. I know I should have warned, but…” Lena noticed the lack of shining and brightness in those always so intense blue eyes, the dark circles under her eyes, and the weak way she was sighing “I just… just wanted to apologize for yesterday and… - she took a deep breath, avoiding tears and that was the cue the other woman had “and I… I think I just wanted a hug” her lips shook, she was so close to falling apart again.

“Oh, Kara” she pulled her in her arms, holding her tight and stroking her hair. She didn’t know what had happened and it never crossed her mind that her friend was going to feel bad for the little discussion the day before “It’s okay” she murmured.

“I’m sorry” she whispered. It was nice to have somewhere to find support, where she could feel safe again. Alex was the one who kept standing, but Lena was the one who’d let her fall and then would help her up. Kara didn’t always want to be on her feet, it pained her “I’m sorry…”

“Come, get in” Lena pulled her inside and closed the door. Guided her to the sofa and they both sat down “I wasn’t mad at you for yesterday, I just needed some time.”

“I know and I didn’t mean to force you to decide anything” Kara exhaled “I’m still trying to understand how you’re feeling and it’s confusing to me and I want to help you…” the other woman smiled, she had no idea why Kara was still friends with her. There was so much tenderness, affection, and gentleness and that sometimes she didn’t know how to deal with it. Lena was a Luthor after all, and they never deserved such special things like this.

“It’s okay, I’m still trying to understand too” Lena confessed, “aren’t you going to work today?” Kara denied.

“I’m not… feeling so well” oh, it was the first time the CEO heard that.

“You look so exhausted,” she said in concern “you need to rest. Why didn’t you go home?”

“Because I didn’t want to be alone” she looked down and fidgeted with her fingers “and I… I wanted…” she sighed “nevermind.”

“You can tell me, Kara” she reached her hands and intertwined their fingers “that’s what friends are for, right?” Lena smiled and the blonde agreed, although still frowning.

“I wanted a hug” she confessed in embarrassment. Kara felt stupid but hugs were her favorite form of affection. When two people put their hearts close to one another. She wanted to feel her friend’s heart

“Come with me” she got up and reached out for the blonde. Kara reached back not understanding and walked with her to her room, which still had an unmade bed. She had only been there a few times and could count them on her fingers. In all of them, it was very organized.

Lena wasn’t sure of what she was doing or if she was breaking some rules in her friendship. She hoped she wasn’t. She didn’t understand relationships, especially friendships. She never had friends. However, seeing Kara almost fall apart in front of her made her realize she had a side which she didn’t know or even had the faintest idea it existed. Everybody knows that human beings can fall and break, it is natural for the species and it is expected for it to happen. Flesh and bone, it the basic structure. Heart, soul, and emotions. That was the most intrinsic and fragile composition of the human being.

Kara also had a soul, a heart, and emotions. She too could break, and that scared her. It scared her because her friend was always the meaning of light and good moods, of joy and positivity and perseverance. Her faith was what made herself believe that she was a Luthor better than her family, which made her insist on what she wanted and fight for a better world, even though no one cared. That’s why, giving her one of her favorite pajamas, Lena asked the blonde to get changed and to lay down. They both needed to close their eyes and shut off their minds, just letting the hours go by.

The younger Danvers nodded as she got the clothes and went to the bathroom. She was very grateful it was all dark, she didn’t know if Lena would recognize her secret identity, but it had never happened before. They had slept on each other’s homes, never together, for the kryptonian knew well how the CEO cared for her personal space and she’d never cross a line. But now, there she was, ready to lay in a bed with her best friend and beside her. Lena was much more than she imagined of herself she felt lucky for being the only person who knew her heart so well. Of course, knowing the heart and knowing the soul and very different things, but the blonde was patient. At some point, she would tell her the truth and at some other point, Lena would tell her how she felt.

All at its given time.

They laid down and, although it was almost ten in the morning, the room was still dark as the night. Kara felt the softness of the silk on her skin and the sweet smell on the sheet. Everything there was so personal that she wished she’d never leave. However, she was aware she didn’t have a choice, because she knew that when the truth came out, Lena would ask her to go and would never want to see her again. It was the price to pay for all her fears and for the pain that lived at the bottom of her soul. Hence, Kara decided to ignore these thoughts, and the creeping need to cry and tried to hold on that moment.

She was able to hear the heart of the two people she loved most in the world and that was the best sound of her life. It helped her relax.

“C’mon” the other woman moved and opened her arms.

“... Closer?” Kara questioned, confused.

“You need a hug” Lena explained “let it at least be the longest one can give you”

So she moved and hugged her friend’s warm and comforting body, letting her breath normalize and her heartbeat steady in that sentiment of affection. Sleeping with someone after sex was nice, knowing they cared enough to stay and let you process the moment. However, that was truly intimacy and went farther than any sexual relationship. It was proximity without any second intentions, it was seeing each other souls without talking. It was understanding you don’t always have to be alone behind your walls.

 

***

 

When they woke up the clock was reading almost one in the afternoon and their stomachs roared together, making them laugh.

“Are you feeling better?” Kara nodded positively “what was that bag you were carrying?”

“Ah!” her face lit up and she got up, racing to the living room and back. Kara threw them back on the bed and opened it, letting all the books fall on the mattress “I found these books and thought... I thought it might help you?

“And they’re about?” she lifted her eyebrows, observing a cover and its title.

“Pregnancy” Kara frowned. Afraid she might be crossing a line again “they’re not about the child or something like that...they’re more like ventings and stories of many mothers and the hardest choices they have to make. They show a not so glamorous side of pregnancy and how it not only affects the mother’s life” she coughed, nervous “I… er, I hope you won’t be mad... if you don’t want to read them I…

“Kara” Lena smiled and held her hand. “I loved it, truly.”

“I know Seedy is important” she confessed “but so are you…”

“Your little friend will be very upset hearing this and I’ll be the one to suffer the consequences” she teased.

“Oh, no!” she snorted “please, don’t be mad” again, her hands moved towards her friend’s belly, but she backed down “you have got to understand that Lena also needs attention, Seedy” she whispered. The other woman noticed how Kara wanted to touch her again and her heart raced.

“Allow yourself to feel, Lena, let your heart rest” Alex’s voice echoed in her head “Allow yourself to feel”

“Give me your hand” Lena spoke suddenly and the blonde frowned.

“My hand?” she nodded and so Kara extended her right hand. Lena took it and placed in on her lower belly and pressured it there. Her body quickly responded to the warm touch.

“This is where my uterus is” she explained and then let the hands fall a little lower “and this is where Seedy is” the younger Danvers didn’t know what to say, but she could listen to her child’s heartbeats as she traced her fingers on Lena’s pale soft skin.

“Does it hurt?” Lena shook her head in denial “hey, Seedy” she whispered “your mom is the best person in the whole world” the CEO tried to hold the tears back but it was impossible “are you crying? I didn’t mean to make you cry, did I hurt you?”

“No, no” she dried the tears and sighed “it’s the damned hormones.”

“Let’s fo something that will cheer you up, get dressed, put on some comfortable shoes” Kara ordered, getting up.

“And where are we going?” she arched an eyebrow, not wanting to leave home only to get hot and stressed.

“To eat” her stomach roared in response “that’s right Seedy, eating” the blond teased, causing Lena to roll her eyes “don’t worry, we’re not walking too long and are not going to be out too long”

The Luthor went for a shower while the blonde got changed in the room and made the bed. She made sure to let everything very organized, for she knew that even feeling tired or unwell Lena would find a way to tide up that mess. It had been some time since she wanted to take her friend to one of her favorite places, one which helped herself overcome many obstacles when she moved from Midvale to National City. She intended to make this the best place for her friend as well, who knows, maybe they could start to go together and maybe even do it frequently. She then called a friend who worked in the place and planned it out.

Both of them left the apartment and Lena called in the driver, there was no way she would walk in that burning sun or any other Sun. They were dropped in front of an old theatre that the CEO hadn’t the vaguest idea it existed. Kara also didn’t say a thing about what they were going to eat or do, but she hoped it wasn’t going to be anything big or that it would make her emotional. She was done with crying for no reasonable reason. The blonde guided her to the entrance hall, where they could see enormous stairs surrounded by a wood handrail with golden details. The theatre looked abandoned or at least unused, she couldn’t tell, she wasn’t the kind of woman to go to plays or things like that.

By their side, photos and pictures of old performances were hanging on the walls. Children, women, and elders, all holding some kind of musical instrument or in front of a microphone. It was possible to smell the humidity, the dust and that was the reason why that place was dying. However, there was something in it that made her feel a different energy, something good and intense. A soft melody echoed from far away but still made itself heard.

“Hey, Jordan” Kara greeted a tall man.

“Here’s your order, mademoiselle,” he said charmingly, taking his beret off and smiled “just like you ordered’

“I didn’t order, I asked pretty please” the blonde frowned and took the brownish package from his hand.

“Are you going to introduce me?” he pointed to her friend.

“Oh, yes, sorry” she coughed “Jordan, this is Lena and Lena, Jordan,” she said. The Luthor smiled politely and shook his hand.

“Finally I can meet you,” he said excitedly “I was beginning to think you were only from her imagination” he looked at Kara, who immediately blushed.

“Jordan!” she snorted “Did you do what I asked?” she changed the subject. Lena just crossed her arms and stood there, observing their interactions, too interested in what was happening.

“Perfectly” he smiled gallantly, what bothered the CEO “follow me” he made the way “you’re lucky Nora came to practice today, she had been in a bad mood this last month” he commented.

“Are you sure she won’t mind? I don’t want to bother” Kara asked, concerned.

“Of course not, she adores you!” he exclaimed “besides, who would be bothered by your company?” the blonde felt the flush again.

The three of them got into the enormous saloon, where all the armchairs were organized in fixated lines and in front of them, a wooden stage was surrounded by a thick purple velvet curtain. A few instruments rested on the floor or in supports, it was also possible to see what was left from some scenarios and clothes hanged on distorted iron bars. It was like everything was stuck in time and they walked into a victorian theatre. On the left side of the stage, a sweet middle-aged woman with red hair wais playing a simple melody on the piano.

“Make yourselves comfortable and enjoy” Jordan left them after pointed to two specific armchairs. They were bigger than the others and looked a lot like royal thrones.

“Thank you, Jordan” she smiled at the friend “let’s sit”

“Where exactly are we?” Lena murmured, trying not to disturb the musician.

“This used to be National City’s most famous theater in the seventy’s and eighty’s but it was forgotten after the movies took the spotlight” she explained “especially after the city grew”

“And why do you come here?” she questioned, snuggling the soft sit. She thanked heaven for the opportunity to sit down.

“The music helps me relax and forget other noises” she confessed. Lena may not be aware of her super hearing, but she said the truth “it’s like there was no other sound, I know that the walls are protected, but still… it’s like a little escape” she gave a weak smile.

Lena analyzed her friend differently at that moment. The blonde was quieter than usual, more introspected, and even a bit sadder. Still, the light behind her ocean eyes was shinning, she could tell. Being in that theater meant something new, meant a step deeper into their one year old friendship. She wanted to ask Kara what she was escaping from, what sounds she didn’t want to hear, and why she needed to get away like that. But she kept silent.

“Let’s eat and I’ll tell you a story” she opened the package and took out two pieces of pie “this one is mine and this one is yours” she handed the pot.

“Why?” her stomach almost jumped out as she smelled the food.

“Olives” Kara frowned, making Lena laugh.

“Do you hate everything that is green?” she teased.

“All but your eyes” she spoke without thinking and her face immediately reddened. “I… er… I didn’t mean…”

“I’m glad you like my eyes, Kara” she smiled tenderly, but deep inside her heart was screaming “Tell me the story”

“Right” she cleared her throat “this melody that is playing is from a movie that is based on the primordial concepts of the romanticism school” Kara explained, “it tells the story of a sad guy who didn’t have any control of his life and was forced to marry a girl he didn’t know. His parents were rich and, theoretically, so were the girl’s parents” she sighed “but in reality, their families were both greedy and sordid, not caring what their children wanted.

“Seems awful” Lena commented. Although she did know what it was like to have rich greedy parents and no control over her own life.

“It is” she sighed “in the wedding day, he was so nervous that he got all the phrases of his vows wrong and that, at the time, was almost a heresy” she swallowed another piece of pie before carrying on “So Victor ran to the woods and there until he calmed down, he knew he was in trouble and so he decided to say his vows again until he had it word by word” the melody continued to resonate through the saloon and Lena noticed she was truly relaxed, almost forgetting all her troubles and everything outside of that theater “but after he finished it, he put the ring in a branch of a tree or at least that’s what he thought. But it wasn’t a branch it was a corpse’s finger.” Kara simpered.

“That’s.... macabre” she frowned.

“I have a point, let me carry on” Lena nodded and Kara continued “the problems started there because you can’t break a wedding vow and now he was promised to a dead woman. The story now follows on two scenarios: the living world, where everything is colorless, grey and blue, and the dead world, where everything is colorful and ironically alive” she explained “Emily, the corpse bride was happy for finally finding someone but the truth was that Victor didn’t love her. And that hurt” she sighed “Victor loved Victoria and wanted to go back to her, not caring how the other woman felt, after all, she wasn’t supposed to feel a thing. She was dead” Kara looked to the pianist as if she was imagining what it must feel like to love someone and no be loved back “but this is what the movie is about, it’s physical death, not emotional, it’s the exact opposite from the living. It’s like saying joy only comes with death because you don’t worry about what you have any more, you can’t carry anything to the end.”

“I never thought about it like that” Lena sighed “but it is a beautiful philosophy, thinking that while we’re living we’re more concerned about surviving than enjoying it.

“My favorite part of the movie is when Emily realizes she has no chance against the other woman” Kara smiled sadly “they’re from different worlds, different conceptions, and different realities. She could play the piano and dance while Victori couldn’t even leave home by herself because it wasn’t appropriate. But Victoria could breathe, she had pink cheeks and Emily didn’t have any of that, she had lost everything” just like I did, she wanted to add. She looked back at Lena “So in one night she sings: if I touch a burning candle I can feel no pain. If you cut me with a knife it’s still the same, yet I feel my heart is aching Though it doesn’t bet it’s breaking… for that, I still have some tears to shed…

Lena let those words sink in her heart, unsure of what she was feeling.

Opposite to the Luthor, the blonde wished to tell her exactly what each verse made her feel and how she truly felt deep inside. She wasn’t dead like Emily, but sometimes she felt everyone treated her like she was. Yes, it touched a burning candle she would feel no pain, the same went if someone cut her with a knife. But Kara felt her heart hurt and even though she was the girl of steel, her heart and body was flesh and bones, like any other person. She could cry and no one would notice. Emily might be dead but Kara was very much alive. She too could have a broken heart.

“What happened in the end?” the CEO broke the silence.

“Emily gave up on trying something that could never work out, the marriage was on until death did them apart, but death had already done that” Kara sighed “Still, she sacrificed herself for Victor’s happiness and found the freedom she desired, proving that she still had the fire to keep loving.”

“It’s sad, but… it’s also hopeful” she said, still moved by the tale “each person builds their concept of love and I can’t say I know mine” her hand instinctively went to her belly.

Love.

“Have you ever been loved unconditionally?” she heard Alex’s voice echo again through her memory. Truth was, Lena didn’t know a thing about love. So, they both stayed in grave silence and enjoyed the rest of the melody, letting their mind rest and bodies relax.

 

***

 

“Where are we going?” the CEO asked as they went down the theater’s stairs, towards a nearby shopping mall.

“Seedy needs an ice cream” she smirked, making Lena arch an eyebrow “I maybe I need one too.”

“Ah, of course” she snorted “you two will plot against me.”

“I told you, now they’re my best friend” Kara teased “why are you making this face since we left?”

“You don’t realize how much that Jordan likes you” the little Danvers froze before walking through the door.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s so obvious” Lena rolled her eyes, getting in first, in desperate need for the air conditioner relief “the way he treats you, smiles to you, and does everything you ask him to.”

“You also do everything I ask you to.” she pointed out, trying desperately to change the subject and not even realizing what she had just said. Lena crossed her arms and made a smug face.

Two can play this game.

“I hope I have more chances than him” Lena smirked “A Luthor hates to lose.”

“What? lose what?” she was confused “you’re my best friend and has all the chances you want…” her eyes went wide open as she realized what they were talking about “no! I mean… yes, but… oh, Rao, I mean...God!” Kara said lowly “Jordan is just, Jordan he doesn’t stand a chance.”

“I’m glad” she murmured, leaving the subject aside. She didn’t want to ask why she could have all the chances she wanted.

“Look, Lena!” Kara pointed out a baby store “it’s so tiny” she stopped in front of the glass and pointed a finger to a red shoe “this fits a baby’s foot?”

“I suppose so,” she said while observing other products.

There were shirts, dresses, jumpsuits and a variety of shoes. The Luthor wondered if a baby needed all that stuff, like three kinds of feeding bottles or five soothers in different colors. But truth be told, what did she know about pregnancy, babies, or being a mother? It was an unknown world.

The CEO noticed a pair of blue sandals matching a sailor’s hat, or how that little white dress with yellow flowers would go well with the white shoes. It was like doll clothes, she thought to herself, like playing house. But, once again, she never even had the opportunity to play that when she was young. Lilian always said the world raised women to be smaller than men, to stay home, taking care of their children, and not be able to use their brains to object to some of the husband’s actions. Yet she wished she had the opportunity to know what it was like to pretend to be a mother, since now she couldn’t escape this reality.

“Do you… do you want to go inside?” Kara asked, seeing her friend so focused on a pair of clothes “we don’t have to get anything or… anyway if you think you… can’t, or…”

“Sure” she answered honestly, there was no harm in trying.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to” she intertwined their fingers, smiling tenderly.

“I want to” Lena smiled back and they walked in. The store was bigger than it looked.

It was divided into sections, the clothes were separated by estimated age, then came the hygiene and daily products, then the accessories, shoes and finally the toys. The furniture was placed in the back, alongside the strollers and many things Lena had no idea existed. Things like: a bathtub thermometer or different nipples for the baby bottle. Didn’t the baby have only one mouth? Also, she thought they were breastfed most of the time and only used baby bottles after they were a bit older. Theoretically, what she knew, was that the breastfeeding went until two years at least. In other words, she was confused.

 

“They’re so little” she took a shirt and put it in front of her body “how does that fit?”

“It’s supposed to be for someone 10% your height, Kara” she smiled at her friend’s excitement.

“What is this for?” she grabbed a small bombing machine connected to a baby bottle.

“This is for bombing the milk out of the mother” a friendly lady approached “may I help you? Are you looking for something specific?”

“And you can get the milk out?” Kara, was still very entertained with the ‘toy’ “how does it work?”

“Here, take this end and put it to your breast” Lena blushed immediately and but her lips “it sucks the milk out and it goes straight to the baby bottle, see?”

“This is so much fun!” Lena wanted to shove her face in her hands “I’d definitely have one”

“Are you pregnant?” the lady asked.

“No, maybe one day” Kara tried not to be nervous and Lena noticed.

“I am” she confessed, “thank you for your help.”

“Anything you need, call me” she smiled nicely and walked away.

“I’m sorry about that” the blonde murmured while they walked to the other side. “Lena?”

The Luthor had stopped in front of a section with various jumpsuits, one of which was written ‘Mommy is my hero’. And that was too much, especially when the one beside it said ‘Mommy’s kiss heals any hurt’. Feeling like a hero was something Lena always wanted, even though she didn’t have any powers or anything that made her different from every other human being. Knowing that someday someone was going to consider her to be the most powerful person in the world because she was going have a kiss that healed or that would see her as the strongest or the smartest simply because she was able to reach the top shelf or open a bottle of olives or even finding a toy underneath their bed it made her heart feel something more. Something she couldn’t put into words.

Her fingers lingered on the soft cloth and her eyes couldn’t help read that sentence again and the CEO rapidly imagined the fragile and small body of a baby that would look just like her. What must it feel like? To look at someone and know they’re biologically a part of you? That they’re alive because you kept them safe for nice months, you feed them, cared for them. Her hand caressed her belly and she closed her eyes, allowing tears to fall.

This is still my body, she repeated to herself in silence. It’s still mine. Just like this child is mine.

“Lena” Kara waited until her friend opened her eyes “It’s going to be okay, you don’t have to be afraid” she spoke in a soothing tone, noticing how she was still touching the clothing “do you want to take it?” the other woman nodded, not having the courage to way it out loud.

Without second thoughts, the blonde puller the other close and hugged her, letting her hide her face in her shoulder. She didn’t know what it was like to be going through many changes but she certainly knew how changes were scary. It was how she felt when she first arrived on Earth when she had to adapt to a new family and a new life.

“I’m sorry” Lena whispered, her hands in her belly face still hidden “I just...it’s like I have so many tears to cry on a weekly basis” she laughed nervously, making the young Danvers smile.

“Feel free to cry anytime you want” she sniggered “which one?” she lifted the little clothes. The other woman blushed and bit her lips again.

“Both” Lena murmured feeling embarrassed.

“Good, I was ready to convince you to take all of them” she joked “and this one will be my gift to you” Kara took one that was completely yellow and had a blue jumpsuit in the front and came with a matching yellow hat with brown glasses on top of it.

“A minion?” the CEO arched her eyebrows.

“One time you told me Luthors didn’t have friends” she smiled “they have minions.”

Yeah, she had a point.