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ADWD Abridged

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NORTH OF THE WALL

 

Varamyr: O hai. I'm your Doomed Prologue Guy of this book. Remember me? The Gary Stu warg with SIX pets? I'm kinda dying already and my balls are freezing off. Now let me give you some of my amazing backstory.
Reader: Man, this is gonna be a LONG book.
Varamyr: I wish this female MacGuffin of mine would be back. I could totally warg into her before I die.
Female MacGuffin: Hi, I'm back!
Varamyr: *wargs*
Female MacGuffin: EWWWW GROSS! GTFO! *goes all mad*
Others: Hello.
Varamyr: Damn.


ON A SHIP and later in PENTOS

Tyrion: I'm drunk, haunted by my father's memory, and travelling.
Reader: TYRION! ... Wait, you're not funny now.
Tyrion: And I will spend most of the book like this.
Tyrion gets a homage to the Hobbit's escape via barrels scene.
Illyrio: Long time no see! Let's spend the rest of this chapter eating.
*obscenely detailed description of food ensues*
Reader: I'm hungry now.


MEEREEN

Dany: Court is boring. And I'll held court every chapter. Btw, someone is killing my men.
Reader: Where is Hercule Poirot dammit.
Hizdahr: We can has fighting pits?
Dany: No.
Random Petitioner: Did you know your dragon eats children?
Dany: O_O
Reader: O_O


THE WALL

Jon: Ok, now you're getting a rewrite of a Sam chapter, only it's my POV now.
Reader: WTF GRRM, you lazy bastard.
Melisandre: Hi! I'm still fiery and lusting after Jon!
Stannis: Hi! I'm still grinding my teeth! And you can still be Lord of Winterfell!
Jon: Still no.
Gilly: BAWWWWWW!
Sam: Jon, you're not cool anymore. You broke Gilly's heart!
Jon: I'm LC now, stfu.
Mormont's Raven: Corn?


NORTH OF THE WALL

Bran: We're marching with Strider Coldhands to Rivendell find the three-eyed crow.
Coldhands: *gloomy*
Reader: Is it Benjen? Is it?
Coldhands: You won't find out in this book.
Jojen: I'm dying.
Bran: OMG no we're being attacked by nazguls wights with cheap horror movie effects! Hodor! Fight! *wargs Hodor*
Coldhands *goes all Aragorn*
Hodor: Hodor?
Children of the Forest: *pwn wights* Welcome, Bran. Let's go to the three-eyed crow.
Bloodraven: Hi.
People who read the Dunk&Egg stories: SQUEE!
People who didn't: WTF is this creature it looks like the Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth, creepy.


TRAVELLING WITH ILLYRIO: AN ESSOS ROAD MOVIE

Tyrion: I'm still drunk.
Illyrio: Let's eat and sleep.
Tyrion. Let's.
*some more food porn*
Illyrio: So you'll meet Griff and Young Griff. Then go to Dany.
Reader: Cool, I hope that only takes a few chapters...
GRRM: YOU KNOW NOTHING.
Griff: O hai, Tyrion. You stop drinking NOW.
Tyrion: You sure you aren't a clone of my father?
Young Griff: I have blue hair. It's not at all to hide my original hair colour.


MEANWHILE, IN VOLANTIS

Quentyn: We need a ship.
Captains: Lol nope, no one's going to Meereen. You must be new here.
Quentyn: Guess we can join this bunch of mercenaries bound to Meereen and then desert them, right?
His friends: Sure, why not.
Reader: DUDE, Y U NO TAKE THE DEMON ROAD. That place sounds awesome.
Quentyn: No. Interesting plotlines are forbidden in Essos.

BACK ON THE WALL

Stannis: We're totally going to burn Mance. Any moment now.
Jon: But he's useful!
Stannis: DESERTER MUST DIE I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU BLAH BLAH LAWR BLAH BLAH R'HOLLOR.
Jon: *sigh* Ok, now something to cheer the reader up. Janos, you go to another castle and stop being an asshole.
Janos: GTFO bastard. They don't even have central heating there. I'm not going anywhere.
Jon: I command you-
Janos: Hehe, no way.
Jon: Brothers? Hang this oathbreaker.
Janos: Wait, what?
Jon: Hm no, I'm a Stark, I must swing the sword myself. Fetch me a block.
Janos: FFFUUUUUUUUUU-
Janos' head:  *rolls*
Reader: JON IS AWESOME NOW.


MEANWHILE, ON A BOAT

Tyrion: I'm still travelling!
Reader: This better end QUICKLY.
Lemore: Hi! I'm a mysterious septa who might or might not be Ashara Dayne!
Griff: I'm still gloomy and Tywin-y.


AT THE SISTERS

Davos: My king sent me to Manderly! That's why I spend a whole chapter on this random place.
Godrick: I could totally execute you, you know. Have some stew.
*food porn*
Godrick: Btw, Manderly is best pals with the Freys now. No use going there.
Davos: I MUST IT IS MY DUTY BLAH BLAH HONOR
Reader: Seriously man, you're worse than Ned.


BACK AT THE WALL

Mance is being led to execution.
Mance: I'm suddenly OOC and cowardish.
Reader: WTF Mance. WTF. You should go out singing and proud and-
Melisandre: O mighty R'hllor, take this sacrifice we give to you...
Mance: I'm not the king ok? Please mercy?
Jon: WTF.
Mance *burns* FFFUUUUU-
Jon: Ok brothers, enough of this.
*cue to arrows*
Jon: And now his watch ends.
Reader: NOT COOL. Mance, I am disappoint.
Wildlings: Can we go south now? Kthxbai.


MEEREEN

Dany: Court time!
Reader: Oh no, not again...
Hizdahr: We can has fighting pits?
Dany: No.
Quaithe: Hi Dany. Let me say some misty prophecies in case anyone forgot them.
Sons of the Harpy: We're still killing Dany's people.
Reader: Ok, seriously, where the hell is Poirot?


A DARK DUNGEON IN THE DREADFORT

Gollum Reek: RATS ARE YUMMY! We are hungry... Master Ramsay must not know... he will hurt us... again...
Reader: HOLY FUCK RAMSAY IS AN ABOMINATION.
Walders: Hi Reek! Ramsay wants to see you.
Reek: HE  KNOWS *freaks the hell out* He will hurt me... he will flay me again... *cries*
Ramsay: You thought Joffrey was bad? Meet the awesome me.
Treacherous Northern Lords: We're going to stab Stannis in the back. Btw, is this wretched creature Stark's ward?
Ramsay: Well, kinda... but he is MY Reek now.
Reek: Yes, master... I'm yours... I will do anything, just no more flaying please? PLEASE?
Ramsay: Lol ok, how about a bath and coming with me to my wedding?
Reek: Thank you, master. I'm forever yours.
Reader: HE DID NOT DESERVE THIS. I pity him now.


MEANWHILE, BLOODRAVEN'S CAVE

Bloodraven: Use the Force, Bran. Warg some ravens.
Bran: *does so*
Cave: *is creepy*
Hodor: Hodor.


ON THE BOAT OF BOREDOM

Tyrion: Let's play some cyvasse.
Griff: *still gloomy*


MEANWHILE, IN A TAVERN IN WHITE HARBOUR

People gossip. Nothing happens. Davos gets worried about the Manderly/Frey union.


MEEREEN

Xaro: Hi! Remember me? I still want to marry you.
Dany: No wai. You're not Daario.
Xaro: And where are the lovely little dragons?
Dany: *gulp* Kinda not so lovely and little anymore.
Xaro: Wanna take my ships? You can totally go home to Westeros.
Barristan & Reader: YES YES YES LISTEN TO HIM.
Dany: I can't forsake my children!
Reader: *facepalm*
Xaro: Very well! This means WAR!


AT THE WALL


Stannis: I'll march on the Dreadfort!
Jon: U serious? Boltons eat you for breakfast. Get some armies first, dude.
Stannis: Like?
Jon: Like mountain clans & stuff. And leave them alone with this stupid R'hlloring, k?
Stannis: For a change, I'll listen to you.
Dolorous Edd: *is awesome as usual*
Mel: I remain here. With Lord Snow. *wink wink nudge nudge*


ON THE RIVER OF CHEAP HORROR EFFECTS

Tyrion: I don't like the look of the mist.
Griff: Stone men. And some lovecraftian THINGS in the water. Wouldn't be wise to bathe here.
Reader: That means someone WILL.
Griff: Once we slip under the Bridge Of Doom, we're safe.
They slip.
Reader: This went too easy.
The Bridge: Lol no. The river flows backwards.
Everyone: INCONCEIVABLE!
Reader: You keep using that word.
Stone zombies: *attack*
Griff: DO NOT TOUCH THEM! KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Tyrion: So I guess Young Griff is totally Aegon, son of Rheagar, right?  *falls into the water with a stone man*
Reader: Wait, WHAT?!


WHITE HARBOUR, MANDERLY'S PALACE

Manderly: Hello, Onion Knight. You are not wanted here.
Davos. But you said you will side with Stannis!
Manderly: *trollface* I'm being friends with the Freys now.
Freys: Robb Stark was totally a werewolf and attacked us! The RW was all self-defense!
Manderly: Just so!
Davos: WTF, does anyone believe this bullshit?
Wylla Manderly: I DON'T! We were always Stark men! We swore an oath! You suck, old man!
Manderly: STFU. Davos, GTFO.
Davos: NO! You betrayed the Starks! And Stannis!
Manderly: Off with his head!
*le cliffhanger*


MOAT CAILIN

Reek: So apparently I'm supposed to take the fort alone. Nice. And there are crannogmen in the swamps... but I must. Ramsay will hurt me again if I fail.
Ironborn: Halt! Who goes there?
Reek: Balon's son! Must not say that name. I'm Reek. That man is dead.
Ironborn: Ok, come in.
Reek: How about surrendering to Ramsay? You can totally trust him.
Ironborn: Sure, why not. *surrender*
Ramsay: *trollface* LOL, talk about naivety. Nice job, Reek. Let's be slashy. *kisses him*
Reader: I JUST ATE DAMMIT!
Roose: Oh hai. Meet your stepmother, Fat Walda. And your bride, Arya Stark.
Reek: Arya Stark my ass!
Jeyne: *big innocent puppy eyes* Someone please rescue me...


MEANWHILE, ON THE WALL

Jon: Let's be BFFs with the wildlings and let in MORE and put them in some abandoned castles!
Bowen Marsh: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Jon: Absolutely!
Marsh: *facepalm* And how are you gonna feed them?
Jon: Probably we should consult Manderly on this question...


MEANWHILE, ON THE RIVER

Tyrion: I'm not dead?
Griff: Yeah, saved your worthless Lannister ass. Dunno why.
Lemore: You might have grayscale. It's very, very deadly. You'll turn into stone.
Tyrion: Better off for whoring then before my cock turns into stone too.
Drunken Jorah: O hai, Imp. I'll take you to the Queen.
Tyrion: Damn.


MEEREEN

Hizdahr: We can has fighting pits?
Dany: No.
Green Grace: Marry Hizdahr?
Dany: Well, no murders for 90 days.
Hizdahr: And then you marry me?
Dany: Yeah, totally. Now GTFO while I daydream about Daario.
 
GOLDEN COMPANY'S CAMP

Griff/Connington: Gloom. Angst. Grrrr. Tyrion escaped. Fuck.
Golden Company: O hai. So, is this the boy.
Connington: Yes, but psssst! Totally top secret.
G.C.: Sure! So we're gonna meet Dany and ally and stuff?
Aegon: No! We invade Westeros, THEN ally Dany.
Connington: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Aegon: What could possibly go wrong?
Reader: *facepalm*
G.C.: Ok! let's sail!
Connington: *angsts some more* I have grayscale. Guess I'm another short-term POV.


SLAVER'S BAY

Quentyn: So we magically teleported here!
Friends: Yea.
Quentyn: Action time!
Friends: Not yet. Remember? Nothing is supposed to happen in our chapters.
Quentyn: But I want to be a real POV! Not just this filler dude whose chapters get jumped over at a re-read!


THE MOUNTAIN OF DUNSINANE DEEPWOOD MOTTE

Asha: Sexy time! Qarl, grab my boobs!
Qarl: Ok.
Asha: BDSMMMMMMMMMMM!
Reader: Awkward.
Asha: Btw I just found out if a candidate wasn't present at the kingmoot it's totally illegal! Gotta collect Theon somewhere and then...
Random Ironborn: The Forest of Birnam is attacking us, my lady!
Asha: Damn! We escape on the back door. No one will expect that.

In the forest
Mountain clans & Stannis: HELLO.
Asha: *grabs axe* BERSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERK!
Reader: *puts on epic metal background music*
Asha: *gets pwn'd*
Reader: Is she dead? O_O


VOLANTIS

Tyrion: Caught again. This is getting a bit annoying. Problem with plot? Make someone catch the Imp!
Jorah: Shut up.
Tyrion: Do you think Cersei will give you a royal pardon?
Jorah: Cersei? Who the hell is that? DANY DANY DANY OMG WHYYYYYY. *angsts*
Tyrion: Dude, even Lysa Arryn's gaoler was more fun.
Mysterious Widow: Hi. So you want to Meereen?
Jorah: Aye. Any ships?
Mysterious Widow: None for you, Pedobear.
Penny: *tries to assassinate Tyrion, fails epically*
Jorah: WTF another dwarf?
Tyrion: OMG poor girl! Let's take her with us!
Jorah: *facepalm*
Mysterious Widow: There's a ship. Bound to Qarth, but will never reach it. Promise.
Jorah: I believe you. It's not like I knew a witch once who turned Exact Words against Dany...


ON THE WALL

Jon: Thorne, you go to range. Hope you never return.
Thorne: Very funny.
Mel: Two of them shall never return. Btw a girl in grey is coming, escaping from an unwanted marriage.
Jon: ARYA!
Rattleshirt: Hi Jon. Wanna fight? Friendly I mean?
Jon: Lol why not.
Rattleshirt: *beats the crap out of Jon*
Jon: When did you get so badass? You used to be this mean, nasty guy whose mouth was bigger than his actual deeds.
Rattleshirt: *innocent look*
Mel: Can I pet your wolf?
Jon: Well, if he doesn't bite your hand off...
Ghost: *falls in love with Mel*
Jon: YOU CHEATED ON ME!
Mel: *trollface*


WHITE HARBOUR

Davos: *writes farewell letter to his family*
Reader: Oh please, SOMEONE save him!
Manderly: Oh, sorry for last time. I had to deceive the Freys. But now my only remaining son is home. I'm actually a Stark loyalist and I'll soon kick the Freys' ass. The North remembers!
Reader: WOW.
Davos: It was a very... convincing performance.
Manderly: And there's more! Meet Wex!
Wex: *is a mute but can tell everything*
Manderly: So basically, Bran and Rickon are alive, and we spotted Rickon! You should go fetch him!
Davos: YOU SPOTTED RICKON? I'm totally going! Where where?
Wex: *land where cannibals live*
Davos: O_O


MEEREEN

Reader: Oh gods, not AGAIN.
Dany: Daario... Daario...
Barristan: Your Grace, I have a bad feeling about this.
People With Names You Can't Pronounce, Let Alone Remember: A messenger came from Astapor. On a pale mare.
Reader: IT'S BINKY!
Dany: Whatevs.


ON THE WALL

Mel: Fire. FIRE FIRE FIRE.
Devan: Wanna eat, my lady?
Mel: Oh... food. Yeah, I guess.
*stares into fire*
Mel: O R'hllor, show me Azor Ahai!
Fire: *shows Jon*
Mel: I said AA, not Snow! Are you getting senile or what?
Fire: *SNOW. SNOW. SNOW. How long till you get it bitch?*
Mel: Guess I have to call the fire repairman.
Reader: *headdesk*
Rattleshirt: Hi. You wanted to see me?
Mel: Yeah. Wait here, gotta get Jon. Guard my supper, ok?
Rattleshirt: Of course! *as soon as Mel is out* I LIED! *eats*
Mel: Jon! Beware the Ides of Marsh!
Jon: Lolwut? Must do something about this Arya coming here stuff.
Mel: I have a man who can help you. Come to my room.
Jon: But no shadowbaby making!
Mel: *eyeroll* Of course not.
Jon: WTF Rattleshirt?! How would I ever trust him with Arya? Dude's a rapist!
Mel: And he ate my supper.
Rattleshirt: Problem?
Mel: Shut up and CHANGE BACK.
Rattleshirt changes into...
Jon: O_O MANCE?
Reader: MANCE?!
Mance: Yea.
Jon: ...
Mel: So? Still think Arya isn't safe with him?
Jon: Ok... I think I need a drink now.
Mel: You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Mance: Stop stealing Ygritte's lines, boss.


SOME PLACE WHERE BOLTONS HANG OUT

Roose: Manderly says he accidentally lost some Freys on the road.
Ramsay: Hehe.
Roose: Btw, lend me Reek.
Ramsay: WHAT? He's MINE, dad! Hands off!
Roose: *death glare* Release him before I regret I raped your mom.
Reader: PWN'D.
Ramsay: Reek? You'll PAY for this.
Reek: Why me? *sob sob*
Roose: Now come and listen to the story of my love life.
Reader: I'm not sure I wanted to know THIS.
Roose: Btw Ramsay killed my legitimate son. I'm not planning revenge at all. And he's gonna kill my yet unborn children too.
Reader: Never occurred to you one day he would stab you in the back?
Roose: Don't underestimate me. *smiiiiile*
Reek: I want to go back to the dark dungeon. It was far less complicated.
Roose: Meet the Northern Lords and Ladies. Ladies, gentlemen, allow me to present you Theon Greyjoy.
Reek: No! Don't say that name! Master Ramsay will know! *CRYYYYYYYYYYYY*
Roose: Holy fuck. Guess I shouldn't have been just a Sunday dad.


ON ANOTHER BORING SHIP

Jorah: *angsts, drinks*
Penny: *develops hate/love on Tyrion*
Moqorro: *is mysterious*
Tyrion: Why am I always on ships lately?
Reader: *yawn*


DAGOBAH BLOODRAVEN'S CAVE

Bloodraven: Time to warg trees!
Bran: *does so* Wow, hi dad!
Bloodraven: It was but a shadow of the past you saw.
Bran: *sees LYANNA and BENJEN! Then some other interesting flashbacks!*
Reader: Come on, Bran. Focus on the Tower of Joy. Focus...
Bran: Sorry, chapter limit for this book exceeded.
Reader: FFFFUUUUUUU-


ON THE WALL

Jon: Time to make some recruits swear the oath! The godswood is 2 hours ride in the woods. Totally safe.
Leathers: Someone's already in the godswood!
Wildlings: CROWS!
Giant: Grrrr?
Leathers: Grrr grrr grrr.
Giant: Grrr!
Leathers: Ok, we made peace.
Jon: Come, join us!
Wildlings: Ok.
Giant: Grr.


MEEREEN

Dany: Let's nurse infected people! ALL of you!
Reader: She's officially an idiot now.
Daario: Hi baby! I'm back!
Dany: Daario! *glomp* FUCK ME!
He does.
Reader: Must. Have. Brain Bleech. NOW.


WINTERFELL

Reader: YAY! Winterfell!
Theon: Jey- um, Arya. I know this is hard. I have been Ramsay's wife too. Sort of.
Jeyne: DO NOT WANT. Theon, save me! You're a hero!
Theon: And I thought Sansa had her head in the clouds.
Everyone chillin' at the godswood.
Ramsay: Lol Arya. Have a nice pink cloak.
Jeyne: *sniff* *sniff*
Northern Lords: *awkward silence*
Bard: Hi! Want some music? My girls are good at "washing", too.
Reader: So is that how they call it nowadays?
Manderly: Let's FEAST! HAVE SOME "PORK" PIES! I SURE WILL. TROLOLOLOL.
Dustin: Look how happy he is.
Roose: If he thinks he can poison me, he's WRONG. No poison can slip under my mighty Leech Magic Detector™!
Walda: *chomp chomp* Yummy pief! Wanf moar! Muft eat for two nof, right?
Roose: As you say, my dear.
Manderly: ROFL ROFL ROFL! Bard! Let's hear the Rat Cook song!
Theon: Um... I think I'm not hungry.
Ramsay: Reek? I need help with the bedding.
Theon: Oh no.
Jeyne: Oh no.
Reader: This will fade to black, right? Right?
It DOESN'T.
Reader: I should quit eating before I read.


DORNE

Reader: *yawn*
Balon Swann: Here. Have the Mountains's skull.
Doran: Impressive.
Sand Snakes: *NOT impressed!*
Balon: Why is this food so damn SPICY?
Areo: LOL Northern weakling.
Doran: Family council! Listen. Cersei wants to kill Trystane on the road. Snakes, you infiltrate King's Landing.
Snakes: ACTION TIME!
Doran: But nothing hasty, ok?
Snakes: Nooo, nooo, of course not. *I LIED!*
 
ON THE WALL

Jon: I send away all people I trust. Because that's totally reasonable. Also Val, go fetch Tormund, k?
Val: What if Stannis finds out you let me go?
Jon: Oh, he's busy partyin' with Boltons.
Marsh: I don't think this is a good idea. Even MORE wildlings?
Jon: Yea! And the bunch from Hardhome too. Or do you want to see them as wights, attacking us?
Marsh: Hmmm...
Queen's men: Dude, r u gay for Satin or what?
Jon: Stfu.


ON THE SHIP OF BOREDOM

Storm: *comes*
Tyrion: So this is what the Widow meant...
Jorah: *doesn't notice the storm, busy writing emo poetry to Dany*
Penny: I'm afraid! Let's hug!
Tyrion: O_O
Slavers: Hello.
Tyrion: Oh, bugger.


WINTERFELL

Dustin: Hey Theon. Let's go to the crypts while I tell you about my love life.
Theon: WTF am I everyone’ psychologist or what?
Dustin: Hate Starks. Hate them. Totally. There was much fuckery in the past. Like Brandon and me. Me and my husband who died in the Tower of Joy.
Reader: Wut wut? Tell more about that!
Dustin: So I hate the Starks. Grrr. Btw those statues have missing swords.
Theon: Are we done? K. Going to the godswood to think about the failure that is my life.
TreeBran: Theon?
Theon: Did that tree speak to me? No, must be hallucinating. Robb. Oh, Robb. I should have died with you. *angst*
Reader: THESE TWO ARE CANON NOW.
Theon: I want to die.
Reader: Dude, you have a dagger. What keeps you?


MEANWHILE IN THE SNOWY WILDERNESS

Napoleon Stannis: WE DO NOT GIVE UP!
Asha: *eyeroll*
Mormont girl: Despite the fact your house reaved us for ages, let's be BFFs.
Asha: Ok.
Reader: Is she pregant? She didn't make moon tea.
Asshole knight: O hai, kraken bitch! You should totally be burned!
Nice knight: Dude, you're talking to a lady. Miss Asha, marry me? Please?
Asha: I'm surrounded by idiots.


MEEREEN

Barristan: Um, your grace, I know you're into Daario but you're about to get married.
Dany: And?
Barristan: I remember your father and mother. They married for a prophecy. And your father was totally into Tywin's wife.
Reader: Does that make Jaime/Cersei/Tyrion a secret Targ?
Quentyn: Hi, Dany! So there's this old marriage pact which is not even about us but our siblings and we rode here amongst thousand dangers & stuff marrymeplease?
Dany: Dude, are you serious? I'm marrying tomorrow and you're NOT hot.
Quentyn: *sad puppy eyes*
Reader: Dany, he may be plain, but YOU are a rude bitch.


ON THE WALL

Mel: The night is dark and full of terrors. Just thought I'd mention it.
Jon: Grey girl. Where's the grey girl?
Wun Wun the Giant: *is developing into the audience's new favourite*
Banker: Where's Stannis?
Jon: Busy freezing his balls off somewhere.
Banker: Ok, gotta find him.
Alys Karstark The Unexpected: Help me Jon Van Snowobi! You're my only hope!
Reader: WHAT.


BRAAVOS

Kindly Old Man: Who are you?
Arya: Currently Blind Beth.
KOM: Lol. *stalks and beats her up*
Arya: FFFUUUU-
KOM: Go, collect some gossips.
Arya: *does so* *wargs cat*
KOM: So, what do you know?
Arya: You beat me up.
KOM: Correct. You can see now.
Reader: Whoa, that was fast.


WINTERFELL: AND THEN THERE WERE NONE

Theon: People keep dying lately. Wonder whodunnit.
Reader: Blackfish? Mance? An actual ghost? BENJEN? Your split personality? Dustin? Ramsay?
Theon: Gotta speak to TreeBran again.
Some more people: *die*
Reader: Feels like Harrenhal 2.0.
Mysterious Hooded Figure: Hello, traitor.
Theon: Wh... what do you want?
MHF: YOUR SOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUL!
Theon: O_O
MHF: Only kidding. Show me the crypts.
Theon: I'm surrounded by Poe-addict goths.
Warhorns: *are blown outside*
Boltons: IT'S STANNIS...
*le cliffhanger!*


SLAVE AUCTION

Funny Stuff: *happens*
Tyrion: *finally in his element*
Jorah: *broken and angstier than ever*
Reader: Oh, the irony.
Penny: BAWWWWW
Tyrion: Shut up, at least we're still together.
Pale Mare: Hello! I'm still here!
Slaver: Expect Gladiator stuff, anytime now.


IN THE RIVERLANDS

Random Jaime: Let's negotiate with some unimportant characters and make fun of them.
Unimportant Characters: *are made fun of*
Jaime: Btw, we're at Pennytree now. Remember Dunk's old master?
Random Brienne: Hi Jaime! The Hound has Sansa and he'll kill her if you don't come! Alone!
Jaime: Sounds legit.
Reader: Is there ANY character who still has his wits?


ON THE WALL

Alys & Magnar: *getting married*
Reader: Wait, what?
Selyse: *continues to be an annoying bitch*
Val: Surprise! I returned! And Tormund and his army with me!
Marsh: Wasn't there a part in the vow about "not interfering politics"?


MEEREEN

Dany: Marriage feast & stuff!
Reader: Seriously, people. Why don't you STOP with weddings? Nothing good has ever come from those.
Barristan: I don't like this at all. Suspicious.
Dany: Quent? Wanna see my dragons?
Quentyn: *Okay Face*
Dany: They're kinda wild now.
Reader: That's because you CHAINED them and NEGLECTED them! BAD DANY!
Quentyn: I kinda have some Targ blood too. Some distant great-great-grandmother.
Dany: Well, you might try something? I didn't say that, of course.
 
WINTERFELL
STILL MURDERIN' AROUND

Theon: Abel, WHY ME?
Mance: Because you must repent. And I have to finish my concert.
Theon: *sigh*
Freys: SOMEONE KILLED ONE OF THE WALDERS! (No one knows which is which, anyway.)
The other Walder: *totally suspicious but nobody suspects him*
Manderly: Lol big deal, he would've grown up to be a Frey.
Freys: GRRRRRRRR! *attack Manderly*
Manderly's men: GRRRRR!
*fighting ensues*
Roose: STOP THIS MADNESS IN THE NAME OF... erm...
King Robert's Ghost: I did that better.
Roose: WE HAVE A COMMON FOE!
Everyone: O_O You shouted? DOOMSDAY IS NEAR ROOSE LOST IT!
Roose *facepalm* Just go out and fight Stannis, k?
Everyone: Ok!
Spearwives: Come, Theon! Rescue time!
Roose: Oh, and Abel? Play something peaceful for these hotblooded idiots.
Mance: I guess The Dornishman's Wife is out of question?
Theon and Spearwives: basically re-enact the weasel soup.
Theon: Hello, Jeyne! We're gonna escape, right?
Jeyne: *totally useless and crying*
Theon: I have a bad feeling about this.
Spearwives: Meh, we'll just stalk out.
Guards: Oh hai - arrrrrrrrrgggghhh.
Jeyne: *screams*
Spearwives: FUCK! RUN!
They run.
Spearwife no. 4: They're shooting arro- *dies*
Theon: *looks around. They are indeed shooting. Looks down. Well, snow is soft...* Jesus take the wheel! *grabs Jeyne, jumps* VODKAAAAAAAAA!


MEEREEN, COLOSSEUM

Hizdahr: People of Meereen! GLADIATORS TIME!
Plebs: YAY!
Hizdahr: Fancy some locusts, honey?
Dany: Ew.
Belwas: LOCUSTS! BELWAS LOVES LOCUSTS! Yum yum yum.
*some gladiators fight*
Dany: Boooring.
*Tyrion and Penny joust*
Hizdahr: Lol they don't know we're gonna release the lions...
Dany: WUT?! No lions, dammit!
Hizdahr: :-(
Tyrion and Penny off!
Some more gladiatoring!
Gore! Blood! Naturalism!
Suddenly...
DROGON?
Dany: DROGON?!
Drogon: Dinner!
Wannabe Dragonslayer: Lol no.
Drogon: *U serious?-face*
Hizdahr. Kill the beast! Kill it!
Dany: You know what? FUCK YOU ALL! *rides Drogon* Drogon? FLY!
Drogon: Yes, mom! *flies*
Reader: FINALLY!


AT THE WALL

Mel: Blah blah. Beware of the Ides of Marsh.
Jon: Mel, it's like, NOVEMBER. Besides, we have to get 3000 wildlings cross the gate.
Marsh: My Lord, are you SURE this is a good idea?
Jon: Still sure.

IN A DARK CELL IN THE SEPT OF BAELOR

Cersei: I'm still getting mad. And the old bitches don't let me sleep.
Septa 1: REPENT! REPENT!
Cersei: GTFO.
Septa 2: CONFESS! CONFESS!
Cersei: NO!
Septa 2: CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFESS!
Reader: I CONFESS!
Septa 2: Not you, idiot.
Cersei. Ok I confess. I fucked Lancel and Osmund Kettleblack and some others.
High Sparrow: How about Jaime?
Cersei: That's just gossip!
High Sparrow: Ok. Wanna meet someone?
Cersei: Yes. Kevan.
Kevan: You're an idiot! Btw, Arys Oakheart died.
Cersei: YAY! Tell Qyburn to get UnGregor ready!


MEEREEN

Barristan: YAY! I'm a POV now!
Reader: Oh, yes! He's gonna reveal some awesome historical stuff!
Barristan: These pyramids have to much goddamn stairs. Or I'm getting old. And Dany is missing.
Shavepate: Hi Barristan! Hizdahr totally wanted to poison Dany and Belwas is dying from the locusts.
Barristan. Well, maybe he shouldn't have eaten A WHOLE BOWL OF THEM!
Shavepate: Let's conspire against Hizdahr!
Harpy & co: Lol Dany is dead. The dragon surely ate her.
Barristan: Not my Dany! She's badass!

ON A SHIP

Victarion: GRR. Damned monkeys. Damned storms. Damned wound.
Dusky woman: ...
Victarion: I hate Euron. I should probably throw you overboard.
Dusky woman: ...
Victarion: Let's have sex.
Maester: My lord, you're gonna die if you don't let me cut off your hand!
Victarion: WILL YOU SHUT UP!
Sailor: My lord, we found this weird priest guy! Should we make him walk the plank?
Victarion: No, let's see him first.
Moqorro: Hello. I can heal your hand.
Victarion: Wait, how do you know...
Moqorro: And no cutting off! It will be better than new!
*does some shady magic*
Victarion comes out of his cabin like he just fucked Miss World and all her ladies. He also has a smoking, black, magical arm.
Victarion: YOU. GRAB THE MAESTER. AND GIVE HIM TO THE DROWNED GOD. NOW.
Reader: Wow, he's beginning to become awesome.

CAMP AROUND MEEREEN

Tyrion: Master dying. We better get the hell out of here.
Penny: But what if they catch us?
Jorah: *follows like a robot*
Reader: Awww, poor Jorah needs a hug...
Tyrion: Hello, Brown Ben. Betrayin' our Queen, are we?
Brown Ben: Hello, Imp. Escaping?
Tyrion: Yeah. Now let's haggle.

ON THE WALL

Tormund: Hello Jon!
Jon: Hello! Now let's watch as your people march through the gate ALL CHAPTER LONG.
Wildlings: *march*
Tormund: *is Tormundy*
Reader: I LOVE THIS DUDE.
Jon: Look, a fellow warg.
Creepy Other Warg: THEY ARE COMING.
Reader: They better HURRY UP!

MEEREEN

Shavepate: Let's conspire some more!
Barristan: Ok.
Shavepate: You arrest Hizdahr, we get the situation under hand.
Barristan: Sounds legit. Oh, hello Quentyn! Boy, GET OUT OF HERE. This place is dangerous.
Quentyn: I am brave!
Reader: Man, when Barristan tells you get out, you GET OUT.
Quentyn: Lol nope.

*

Quentyn: You know what, guys? Let's STEAL DRAGONS!
Friends: You... realize we're in ASOIAF, you've only turned up in book 5, you're a minor POV, we're past 3/4 of the book and nobody important died yet?
Quentyn: And?
Friends: *facepalm*
Reader: *facepalm*
Quentyn: Hello Tattered Prince. I need help with this dragon stealing business.
Tattered Prince: Why not? All I want is Pentos.
Quentyn: Granted!


GRIFF'S OLD HOME

Connington: AT LAST! We took it back!
Random people: Herp derp derp.
Connington: Btw, Rhaegar stood here and said my castle was pretty and his silver hair was flowing in the wind and his violet eyes were just... just...
Fanfic writers: *grin like mad*


BEREZINA STANNIS' CAMP

Stannis: Let's burn some cannibals.
Reader: Hm... Manderly will not like this.
Asshole knight: Lol kraken bitch, you're next.
Asha: Or you.
Aly: EWWWW.
Cannibals: FFFFFFUUUUU-
Stannis: *gloom* *angst* *grind teeth* *retire to watch his fires*
Asshole knight: *taunt taunt taunt*
Asha: Dude, I'm SO chopping off your manhood in the next book.
Reader: And feed it to the goats?
Iron Banker: Hello!
Asha: BOLTONS!
Iron Banker: No no, just me! Amici! Friends!
Ironborn: Hello Miss Captain!
Asha: Tris? Qarl? BOYZ?!
Theon: Hello sis.
Asha: Wha- THEON?
Theon: YES. MY NAME IS OFFICIALLY THEON AGAIN.
Reader: SQUEE!
 
VICTARION AND HIS SHIP OF GLORIOUS VIKING METAL

Victarion: Avast, ye worthless scum! Let's get some prizes cos I'm bored.
Random Captured Seaman: Hi!
Victarion *lifts him by the neck with badass magical arm* Where are the secret plans of the Death Star?
RCS: Wut?
Victarion: ... Pardon. Wrong show. So, whassup with Daenerys?
RCS: khhhh... married... khhh
Victarion: I fail to see the problem.
RCS: Also fled and lost on the Dothraki Sea...
Victarion: Meh, I'll just sail there and find her!
RCS: Lol u stupid, Dothraki Sea is all grass... hehe... arrgggggghhhhhh...
Victarion: *le throw body in the sea* That will teach you to taunt me!
Moqorro: You promised something to R'hllor...
Victarion: Aye. Bring forth some pretty virgins, whom GRRM will describe in great
detail, put them on a spare boat and burn it. So both Gods can has sacrifice.
Virgins: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Victarion: Lol I think I just invented ecumenical worship.


MEANWHILE IN BRAAVOS

KOM: Child, you should spy on this old dude and figure out how to kill him. Ready?
Arya: Sure.
Old Dude Who Is Totally Not A Shylock Reference: *chews coins*
Arya: I hate him for no practical reason.
KOM: Ok, let's get you a new face. Sure you're ready?
Arya. Yeah.
KOM:
*leads her to creepy place full of faces. Ramsay would approve* Now close your eyes while we may or may not cut off your face.
Arya: Fine.
Reader: O_O
KOM: Right, new face on. To work!
Arya: Lol I'll just feed him a poisoned FM coin.
ODWITNASR: *dies*
KOM: Congratulations, you can be an assassin now. Also you get another face and some job we'll keep secret till next book...
Arya: ME GUSTA.


KING'S LANDING

Septas: Time for your slutwalk.
Cersei: Guess that's ok.
Septas: First we cut off your hair!
Cersei: No Godiva? :(
Septas: And ALL body hair!
Reader: Loras would approve.
Cersei: Not sure this was a good idea... dad did the same to grandpa's whore...
Reader: Oh, the IRONY.
Cersei: *le walk*
Crowd: Lol the Queen is nekkid!
Cersei: *le determined*
Crowd: *throws things*
Cersei:  FALLS first time *comeonyoucandothis*
Crowd: LOLOLOL
Cersei: FALLS second time *justreachRedKeep*
Crowd: Hehe brotherfucker!
Cersei: FALLS third time
Reader: *eyeroll* Was this blatant Jesus imagery really necessary?
Cersei: *freaks out, le crawl/run screaming to the Red Keep* Tommen... where is Tommen...
Kevan: Someone put a cloak on her.
UnGregor: *picks up Cersei veeery gently*
Reader: D'AWWWWWWWWW. I ship them now.
Qyburn: This is Ser Robert Strong. He will kill all your enemies.
Cersei: FUCK YEAH.

PLUMM'S CAMP

Tyrion: So, how many papers do I have to sign?
Plumm: *puts like 500 before him*
Tyrion: I want to sign with blood cos I'm hardcore.
Plumm: Welcome to the Second Sons, Lord Lannister.
Tyrion: And how much for some armour?
Plumm: Wait, are we haggling AGAIN?! Just... go get some.
Tyrion, Penny and Jorah go through crappy armours.
Jorah: Lol, mine has ACTUAL nipples.
Reader: I swear if he makes that jape one more time...

MEEREEN

Barristan is getting ready for battle. Like bathing. Dressing in white. All. Very. Ceremonially.
Reader: *freaks out* This sounds just like a samurai getting ready for death. Don't you DARE to die, ser!
Barristan: I loved Ashara Dayne.
Reader: And remembering past loves. Wait, what? Ashara?
Barristan: Who by the way had a stillborn daughter with Stark.
Reader: Which Stark? Which Stark? Stop taunting us!
Barristan: Hi Shavepate.
Shavepate: So now, go get Hizdahr. He has a pit fighter guard. But you can totally go alone.
Barristan: Sure!
Reader: Now is S. leading him into a trap, or is he just that stupid?
Barristan: Hi Hizdahr. Did you try to poison Dany?
Hizdahr: I did what?
Barristan: You are under arrest!
Pit fighter: Not so fast Grandpa!
Barristan: Hizdahr, get out of blade range.
Pit fighter: Get off that armor, coward!
Barristan: COME AT ME BRO.
They fight. Barristan pwn's pit fighter's unarmored ass like a boss.
Hizdahr: Please don't kill me!
Barristan: No, we're going to jail-
Random Servants: Um... we have a dragon problem outside.
Barristan: Like?
RS: Like they're FREE!
Barristan: FUCK.

*

MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE IN MEEREEN

Quentyn and friends are ninja-ing their way into the pyramid.
Quentyn: This is going easier than I expected.
Guards at the dragon pit: We're your last chance not to go near the dragons.
Quentyn: Let's kill them, boys.
Guards: Why does this always happen to me? I quit this job.
Quentyn: So, let's see... hi dragons!
Rhaegal: *angry*
Viserion: *depressed* Mama gone... nobody loves us... I developed emoer than Jon Snow... hug me?
Quentyn: Lol no, I'll WHIP YOU!
Viserion: :(
Rhaegal: STOP BEATING MY LITTLE BRO! *le epic fire breath*
Quentyn: Wait, what? *realizes he's on fire* FFFFUUUUU-
Rhaegal: Come Vis! Let's get out of here!
Viserion: YAY!


MEANWHILE, AT THE WALL

Jon: So we're going to Hardhome. This letter said dead things in the woods,
water, etc. Sounds just like a holiday trip, doesn't it?
Marsh: So... you basically want us to go on yet another doomed quest to save the
bunch of people who might be all MOTHERFUCKIN WIGHTS by the time we get
there? Not to mention the MOTHERFUCKIN WIGHTS we might encounter on the
way?
Jon: Yeah, exactly.
Marsh: *facepalm*
Ghost: Grrrrrr. Grrrrrr.
Jon: Shut up Ghost. I know it's that other warg and his boar. I still didn't send him to another fort. I just keep my direwolf locked away despite Mel's repeated warnings.
Reader: Jon, ever heard of Robb and Greywind and the RW?
Random Nightwatch Guy: A l-letter, Lord Commander.
Jon: Well, bring it?
RNG: It... it looks... scary.
Jon: What's this? "Bastard"?
Reader: Sounds like Thorne...
Jon: Pink wax... flayed trollface sigil... oh no.
Reader: Even WORSE than Thorne...
Le Pink Letter:


HELLO BASTARD. I KILLED YOUR KING. I HAVE HIS MAGIC LIGHTSABER. AND HIS

FRIENDS. AND HIS LITTLE DOG TOO. TELL HIS RED WHORE. OH BTW, U LIED. UR
KING LIED. MANCE BURNED? MY ASS. I HAVE HIM. IN A CAGE. AGAIN. FOR
SYMBOLISM. THIS TIME TO FREEZE. OH, AND I MADE HIM A NICE SPEARWIFE
CLOAK. IT'S MY PERSONAL DESIGN. SOON WILL BE ALL THE RAGE, TRUST ME. I WANT THE FALSE KING’S QUEEN AND DAUGHTER AND MANCE'S SISTER-IN-LAW AND SON. I WANT MY BRIDE AND MY REEK. LIKE NAO. OR I'LL COME AND KICK YOUR EMO LITTLE ASS.

LOVE,
RAMSAY BOLTON
TRUEBORN LORD OF WINTERFELL
P.S. FUCK YOU.

Jon: *breathless*
Reader: NOOOOO! This cannot be! Not my Stannis you bastard! NOT MY MANCE!
Jon: That's it! Wildlings! Watch! We're going South and wipe Ramsay off the face of Westeros!
Wildlings: YEAHH!
Watch: Hmm.
Reader: Wait.... nobody surprised that Mance is alive?
Jon: Now I guess I have to tell Selyse and Mel...
*le snowy outside, epic brawl*
Wun Wun: So you thought you can steal Val? *tears apart Ser Patrek*
Ser Patrik: *bleeds all over his starry cloak*
Queen's men: GRRR!
Watch: GRRR!
Jon: Stop it! Stop it! Put those damned blades aw-
Random Watcman: *DOESN'T*
Jon: Dude, wtf are you doing? You cut me. Stop waving that thing, it's dangerous.
RW: For the Watch.
Jon: *le disarm. Then suddenly le unable to draw sword*
Marsh: *crying* For the Watch. *le stab*
Reader: WHAT. NO. NOOOOOOO. NOT AGAIN!
Jon: Et... tu... Bowen? *pulls dagger out. Wound smokes*
Unseen Third Conspirator: *le stab*
Jon: Ghost...  *falls into the snow*
*le CLIFFHANGER!*

Reader: No, no. You read it wrong. Jon can't be dead. He's gonna be this awesome Azor Ahai and stuff, right? RIGHT?

MEEREEN

Missandei: I think poor Quentyn is dead now.
Barristan: About time. It has been three days.
Reader: THREE DAYS? GRRM, you sadistic bastard.
Barristan: Guess this is when I say "good night, sweet prince".
Missandei: Poor boy. :(
Reader: Missandei, you are my hero.
Barristan: So guys... let's have a round table and get stuff done.
Yunkaii: *le shot dead people into the city*
Barristan: Guess it's time for another cliffhanger. See you in TWOW.
Reader: Are you fucking kidding me?

THE DOTHRAKI SEA

Dany:
I'm wandering off because Drogon doesn't want to go to Meereen. I also shit a lot and bleed and possibly miscarried and have a heatsroke and am more boring than ever.
Reader: WAHT? I waited for your last chapter for THIS? Not for coming back with a huge Dothraki army riding on a motherfucking dragon?!
Dany: I also got high from these berries and hallucinate Viserys, Jorah and stuff.

Jorah: Remember who you are. You are the rightful Queen of the Pridela- erm... Westeros.

Dany: Oh, I totally want to hug Jorah now.
Reader: About time.
Drogon: Come mama, I pick you up before the readers revolt. Have some roasted horse.
Dany: Yum yum.
Khal Jhaqo: Hello.
*le cliffhanger*

KING'S LANDING

Kevan: Yay! I'm a POV now!
Reader: You know nothing, Kevan Lannister.
Tyrells: So what's with this Strong dude?
Kevan: Hmmm nothing interesting about him... Possibly UnGregor. Oh ye gods.
Child: Ser Kevan, Pycelle wants to see you!
Kevan: Ok, coming... *enters dark room, sees white raven*
Kevan and Reader: WINTER HAS COME.
Ned Stark's ghost: What have I always told you?
Arrow: *wham!*
Kevan: Ah... what... why...
Varys: Sorry Kevan. You were about to fix things. Nothing personal, really. Btw I killed Pycelle too.
Kevan: You... you... the whole time...
Varys: Yeah. Oh, and Aegon lives and he'll be king. Now... say hello to my little birds.
Creepy Children With Daggers: *creep out of the darkness*
Kevan: *is very dead*

Reader: MUST. GO. TO. FORUMS. LJ. TUMLBR. NOW.