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to me, you're perfect

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Since leaving Ohio, Sebastian’s life had managed to improve significantly - not too much surprise there, the only things which flourished in the state were chlamydia and homophobia. New York was more his speed, being in a bigger city just fit him more, just as Paris had. 

 

His last few months in Ohio had been spectacularly horrific, every day after that dumb engagement things had just seemed to get progressively worse; from small mundane nuisances like missing a math test or not getting to lunch in time so Nick stole all the tots, to slightly more frustrating things like breaking his phone or losing one of his last lacrosse games. Not even the Warblers had been able to pull him out of his funk, even though they tried at least three different songs to try and cheer him up. Jeff had suggested a Beatles number and Sebastian had genuinely considered homicide.

 

It had taken him going to college to pull himself together, trying to put that short boy with honey eyes out of his head, stop distracting him so he could get on with his life. Back at Dalton he had practically holed himself up in his room from the aforementioned engagement up until graduation, so much of his fight leaving him that in one rehearsal Trent had gotten the steps right when he hadn’t. Being forced to help the boy he loved get engaged to someone who didn’t deserve him had broken him in a selfish way, and he had to leave the state to try and fix himself. 

 

The fact that Blaine had asked Dalton to help take care of some of the recording of the whole thing didn’t help - it made sense of course, it was done at their school and they certainly had the equipment and the funding. But for some reason  as captain of the Warblers Sebastian had kind of been shoved with all of that, as if it was his responsibility? Didn’t they understand that he was singing and two stepping in the awful thing? Instead, he’d managed to get some of the av club to capture some footage, and then it was passed off to him afterwards, not much thought into it. Blaine had never gotten it, as he said that someone from McKinley was filming as well so it didn’t matter too much in the end. 

 

So he had all that video, clips of Blaine singing and dancing, performing to someone who had barely given him the time of day in the last year, the thought of it making him sick. Drinking alone in his room didn’t usually turn out well, but it turned out slightly worse when he had footage of Blaine Anderson, as after half a bottle of pity whiskey he’d gone through and just cut Hummel out of the whole thing, hell, he’d cut everyone out of the whole thing, til only the images of Blaine remained. 

 

Admittedly it was a little creepy, but he didn’t think anyone would ever see it or use it, and his drunk brain cared (slightly) less about the ramifications of his actions anyway. Sebastian would never tell Blaine his feelings, he’d never find out about the way he’d pined after him for almost 2 years, how he’d been sick to his stomach after asking to help with the proposal. The other Warblers knew not to bring it up, his feelings obvious to them but to avoid the topic if they didn’t want to be insulted or sent to the back of arrangements. It was childish, bratty, and stupid, but it was how he coped. 

 

That had been a year ago, Sebastian now a little different than the drunk, lonely boy in a Dalton dorm room, holding back tears as he’d rewatched the day that had broken his heart. At Columbia he had started to move on, occasionally looking at some of the footage after a few too many shots, but everyday he tried to push the thought of Blaine out of his head. It wasn’t healthy for him, and it simply wasn’t fair on Blaine. The invite to the wedding had never come, not too much surprise there. Hummel hated him, that much was obvious to anyone, so he hadn’t exactly been waiting on a card through the door. Even if he had been invited, he wasn’t sure if he would’ve been able to go, not sure if he would be able to put himself through that. 

 

Currently, he’d been holed up in his room for the better part of 2 hours, sat on his bed in a light hoodie and sweats, cooling down after a gruelling day of classes. Law was tough, that was for sure, but it was what he was good at and what he liked, so he put in the work. A gentle knock at the door pulled his head up, confused as he wasn’t expecting any visitors.  He made his way over to the door, curiosity getting the better of him as he went to open it, turning the lock and pulling it open, stomach dropping when he did. Blaine Anderson, soft and simple in a black polo was standing outside his room, as perky and adorable as ever, holding a tin in his hands.

 

“Banoffee pie?”

 

Sebastian blinked up at him, face frozen in shock as the smaller boy held out his hands to offer the desert, grinning brightly as if this wasn’t one of the weirdest things to ever happen and they hadn’t seen one another in nearly a year. 

 

“No...thanks,” he replied, feeling weirdly vulnerable without his Dalton uniform on for some reason, his bedroom exposed for Blaine to see messy sheets and scattered papers, his face too shocked to sink back into his usual position of snark and sarcasm.

 

Blaine smiled and retracted his hands a little, leaning against the doorframe. “Thank god, you would’ve broken my heart if you said yes.” The irony wasn’t lost on Sebastian, talk of broken hearts when his had already been shattered over something way worse than banoffee pie, but he didn’t let his face fall, instead crossed his arms over his chest hoping he looked casual, and not like he was trying to wrap himself up.

 

He quirked an eyebrow and pursed his lips slightly, rocking back on his heels to try and ground himself. “All right, well… lucky you.” His voice was pretty tight, aware he must sound like a bit of an asshole, but Blaine couldn’t be shocked by that. Turning up out of nowhere, where he lived in New York , not even knowing how he’d found out where he lived, this was fairly strange. They’d had a small amount of scattered contact in the year since they graduated, a few texts here and there, but nothing which would warrant this. 

 

“Can I come in?” Blaine asked, tilting his head a little but then walking in anyway, ignoring any protests that Sebastian may have had, waltzing in as if he’d been there a hundred times before. He set down the box of banoffee pie he had brought for some reason and twisted on his heel to face Sebastian, leaning slightly on the desk showing off broad shoulders and toned arms. 

 

“I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but I remembered that you guys had some video footage of the engagement, and thought I could check it out. Nick texted me your address and I live fairly nearby, so when I was in the area I just thought I’d swing by,” Blaine continued, acting as if he couldn’t see Sebastian’s attempts of cutting into the conversation or stopping him. “I thought I could maybe swap it for some pie or whatever, but anything you had would be amazing.”

 

Sebastian felt his stomach drop a little at the mention of the video, remembering he had butchered it into some weird fantasy sequence that showed him only the parts he thought worthy. He closed his room door behind Blaine, trying not to look him in the eye. “Oh, uh, sorry killer, not sure what happened with that.” He hoped his words sounded more convincing to the other boy, as he didn’t even believe himself. 

 

Blaine hopped up on the desk, legs swinging adorably beneath him with hooked ankles, eyes staring up at him with a bemused expression. “Well when I messaged Nick to ask about it, he said that you were the only one with a copy as the captain of the Warblers when it happened.”

 

He was going to fucking kill Duval, that little Anderson knockoff. 

 

Before he had the chance to open his mouth and spout another attempt at denial Blaine rolled his eyes and jumped off the desk, walking over to stop in front of him, placing a hand on Sebastian’s chest that made his throat close up. 

 

“Look, Sebastian. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything, and we’ve had a bit of a… rocky relationship the past few years,” Blaine started, chuckling weakly. Rocky was a bit of an understatement. “But we’re friends, we’ve always been friends, and I’ve never hated you, not once.”

 

Sebastian closed his eyes, not wanting to listen to this, not wanting to let his heart be broken more than it already was. 

 

“And I hope we can stay in contact, because I really like you. It would be great if we could become better friends.” Blaine looked up through his lashes, and Sebastian had to fight the urge to let his eyes drink in the full image in front of him, knowing if he let himself look that closely at the other boy’s face, there would be no going back. 

 

Instead he took a small step back and shoved his hands in his pockets, nodding to himself and trying to forget the way the smell of raspberry gel and expensive cologne had just flooded his nostrils. “Absolutely, yeah absolutely.” 

 

That seemed to appease Blaine who coughed slightly and looked away, shooting him a soft smile as he also took a step back, hands moving to entwine behind his back. “That’s great.”

 

He moved to start looking around his room and Sebastian stepped in front of him as his eyes stared down at his desk, trying to block the furniture from his view. “It won’t mean we’ll be able to find the video or anything though, honestly I’m not too sure what I’ve done with it, not after all this time.”

 

Blaine hummed and moved towards his bed, settling down on the mattress and flicking his eyes towards Sebastian’s open laptop, brow furrowing a little. “You do realise there’s a video file on your desktop that says ‘Blaine’s engagement’, right?” He sounded a little amused and his lips curled at the sides slightly, and he settled against the wall behind the bed with a smug look on his face. 

 

Sebastian was going to destroy that laptop. 

 

“Oh right, wow, I had no idea, I don’t really, uh, look at my desktop much,” he offered weakly, speaking too high and too fast, hating the way Blaine was seeing this vulnerable side of himself that was usually so sheltered. He saw the boy on his bed move towards the laptop, finger poised over the mouse pad and he practically sprinted over, sitting down on the other side of the bed and reaching out his hand to grab the top of the screen. 

 

“Um, that may not even be the right file you know? It could be something else with the wrong name, or whatever.” Blaine cocked an eyebrow and lightly flicked his hand off of the laptop, light chuckle escaping his lips at Sebastian’s sudden movement. “What would it even be?”

 

Sebastian scrunched his nose in thought. “Porn.”

 

That earned him a full on laugh, Blaine’s eyes creasing and smile lines covering his face, very different from Sebastian’s current expression of barely concealed horror. 

 

“Sure, I think I’ll take my chances Smythe.”

 

Before he could stop him, Blaine extended out his hand and double clicked on the file, settling back against the wall with his legs crossed under him, sinking further into the mattress. The sound of the Beatles started to leave the tinny speakers and Sebastian knew there was nothing he could do now - he considered just smashing the laptop up but that would probably just cause more problems. He let one leg hang off the bed, perched on the edge with as much distance between himself and Blaine as he could bare, torn between burying his face in his hands and taking in the car crash in front of him. 

 

God, he’d probably hate him. Be totally freaked out by the creep who still had the footage - the altered footage - on his laptop a year after it happened, hung up on the boy who would never love him back. 

 

“Hey, I looked pretty good,” he heard Blaine say, hating the tone of surprise in his voice, because he should never doubt how beautiful he was, how beautiful he’d always been. 

 

Sebastian managed to bring himself to look up, trying to block out the music from his ears, the song he hated most in the world. Looking at the boy in front of him he could feel his whole body crumbling, hands shaking in his lap. 

 

Confusion spread on Blaine’s face, an uncertain smile faltering on his lips as his eyes followed what was happening on the screen. Sebastian didn’t need to see the laptop to know what was happening, he knew that only a bright yellow suit and dark hair would be showing, clips chopped up and zoomed in, his editing skills fairly poor on a good day let alone when he was a drunk 18 year old in a dorm room. 

 

Blaine tilted his head, brow scrunching and lips parted slightly, as if words wanted to come out that he couldn’t quite form. He cast his eyes downwards into his lap, the only sound in the room was the tinny music coming from the speaker, spitting out that song which had haunted him for a year. 

 

Sebastian knew how guilty he must look, biting his lip and staring down at his hands, trying to breathe deeply and slowly, resisting panic. 

 

“They’re all of me,” Blaine whispered, a crack in his voice as he spoke, the canary suit reflected in his wide eyed stare as he drank in the flashing images. Sebastian couldn’t speak, throat too constricted for anything to come out, just wringing his hands in his lap guilty. 

 

He saw Blaine’s head turn, and he dragged his eyes so their gazes met, green into amber. The expression on the other boy’s face was confusing, a clear surprise there but not the hatred he was expecting, something softer, almost sympathetic. 

 

“Yeah...yes,” he managed to say, not sure what else could be spoken, not able to say much else. The sound from the video cut out, the footage over, filling the room with a deafening silence instead. They were suddenly left alone with a black screen and the humming of the street, two bodies frozen on opposite ends of the bed. Sebastian’s mind was simultaneously racing and blank, going through the list of apologies and explanations he could make, whilst also accepting his fate which he couldn’t talk his way out of. 

 

“I don’t understand,” Blaine said slowly, his words cutting through the room, sounding as if they were shouted even though they were barely whispered. “You didn’t like me like that.”

 

Sebastian held back a laugh, knowing it would be cold and bitter. His crush was the worst kept secret in Warbler history, there was no way he didn’t know.

 

“Don’t be dumb Anderson. I was hitting on you from the second I met you,” he replied, unable to keep the bite out of his voice, full of his guilt and frustration towards himself. 

 

Blaine turned to face him, his expression still that unreadable wide eyed wonder. “Yes but that was physical, n-not, like this !” His exclamation made Sebastian realise that he was serious, that the thought of his feelings not running deeper was the only version of him he had in his head. 

 

Body heavy with emotion, he coughed slightly and stood up off the bed, turning away from Blaine and staring at the door. 

 

“I hope it’s useful,” he said, attempting to sound nonchalant and casual, aware of the tremors in his voice. “Look, I’ve got to, uh, do some work, so…”he trailed off, not daring to turn around. 

 

“Sebastian, stop.” Blaine’s spoke firmly, more firmly than either one of them had dared to yet. A hand touched the back of his arm and Sebastian barely contained his flinch, hyper aware of every finger and the way they transferred an unbearable heat to his skin. “Talk to me,” Blaine continued, soft and supportive, too nice for what he deserved. Unable to move himself, he let that hand on his arm turn him around, resting above his elbow and guiding him so they stood face to face. 

 

“It’s, uh, a self preservation thing,” he swallowed, the words thick and guttural, not even able to lift his head so their eyes would meet. “Easier to talk about your ass and pretend like I don’t care when the truth is so much worse.”

 

Blaine’s hand faltered a bit, the fingers now barely ghosting the skin. “Truth?” he asked, still treating him as if he wasn’t some weirdo, like he wasn’t disgusted or freaked out, and that made the whole thing so much harder. 

 

Sebastian looked up and blinked, exhaling deeply. “The truth that I’ve been in love with you for years, that you’re pretty much the only person I’ve ever had feelings for, the fact thatI’ve been unable to move on from some boy I barely knew in high school who’s married to someone else.” Every word was painful, as he realised he had never spoken them out loud before, never actually admitted his feelings because he’d been so obvious with them he never had to. “Instead I hurt you, hurt your friends, hurt everyone around me as some fucked up deflection over stupid feelings.”

 

He daren’t look at Blaine, to see the expression he knew he would have. Suddenly, the hand on his arm slipped down to his own palm, fingers lightly squeezing, deepening the contact. “I’m not married.”

 

Sebastian jerked his head to stare at Blaine, searching his face for evidence of a joke, not sure if he had actually heard that right or if it was some weird hallucination. “Wait what?”

 

Blaine lifted up the hand which wasn’t holding his, and showed off his fingers, none of which had a wedding ring on. “I’m not married. Me and Kurt separated a month or so ago, called everything off.” 

 

“Why do you want footage from your engagement then?” Sebastian replied, suddenly more confused than ever. He stepped back and ran a hand through his hair, feeling lightheaded.

 

Blaine shrugged and looked a little small, hands tucked into his pockets so his exposed arms rippled slightly with muscle. “Honestly, I just wanted to have something to remember it all by, something with all my friends, and a reminder of something I managed to put together.” His head dropped a little, feet tapping on the floor. “I’ve been a little stuck, creatively, and although I had a lot of help it was a pretty big thing for me to pull off so I thought it could be useful.”

 

Sebastian nodded, slowly and uncertainly, eyes narrowing at the boy in front of him as he looked like he wanted to continue.

 

“Plus, I, uh, thought it would be nice to see you,” Blaine finished, peering up through his lashes guiltily, but with a flicker of hope. Sebastian thought he might collapse right there and then as his heart skipped slightly, those words never ones he thought he’d hear. 

 

“Oh,” was all he managed to say, before taking a small step forward, feet barely working alongside his brain as he dragged them across the floor. 

 

“You were my biggest what if, my biggest regret,” Blaine continued, mirroring Sebastian’s actions and moving closer. “And for the first time I’m single, and I’m in New York, and I want to do something for me and only for me.”

 

He nodded, unsure if words would actually come out his mouth if he tried, his throat dry and constricting. Instead he just reached out and grabbed Blaine’s hand, his long fingers intertwining with the other boy’s, shaking slightly. 

 

“I never knew you felt that way about me Sebastian,” Blaine admitted, squeezing back and extending his arm to touch his other hand, until they were stood inches apart, palms and fingers touching. 

 

“I do, I mean I still feel that way,” he managed to reply, wishing he could be that cocky 17 year old again, rather than this mess. “And I’m sorry about the video, I didn’t really think anyone would see it-”

 

“It’s alright,” Blaine interrupted, smiling up at him softly, eyes warm and wide, thumb tracing patterns over his knuckles. “I mean I probably should find it creepy but I think it’s sweet.”

 

Sebastian chuckled, face heating up a little as he winced and nodded, biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself smiling too much. They stood in silence for a moment, just holding one another’s hands and breathing softly, Sebastian not daring to move in case he found a way to ruin everything. 

 

After a while, Blaine squeezed his fingers slightly and cleared his throat. “Do you want to maybe, share the banoffee pie?” he asked, gesturing his head to where the desert was sitting. 

 

Sebastian just wrinkled his nose and shook his head, barely concealing his look of disgust. “God no Anderson, I hate banoffee pie.” Blaine gasped in mock horror, clutching his heart as if stabbed and wincing dramatically. Sebastian felt all his tensions melt away and he stepped forward to loop his arms around the shorter boys waist, pulling them together. “Almost as much as I hate that yellow suit.”

 

That earned him a light kick in the shin, but Blaine wrapped his arms around his neck anyway, settling their bodies close. “You’re just jealous I can pull it off Smythe.”

 

A warmth settled deep in Sebastian’s heart as he held Blaine against him, his body and mind harmonious in a way he had been longing for for a long time. “You could pull off anything killer,” he replied, leaning into his touch, letting himself relax into his arms, some of his fears slipping away. He rested their foreheads together, a promise of something to come and an apology of what had happened, and he whispered against Blaine’s lips.

 

“To me, you’re perfect.”