Actions

Work Header

Avenue Jew: The Missing Scenes

Work Text:


INT. BEDROOM. KATE MONSTERVITZ looks around furtively, then whips out a laptop and sits down to log in to livejournal.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
The internet
is really really great

HASID MONSTER:
For Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait

HASID MONSTER:
For Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Huh?
There's always some new site,

HASID MONSTER:
For Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I browse all day and night

HASID MONSTER:
For Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light

HASID MONSTER:
For Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Rebbe--

HASID MONSTER:
The internet's for Hashem

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Rebbe!

HASID MONSTER:
The internet's for Hashem

KATE MONSTERVITZ
What are you doing!?

HASID MONSTER:
It's not for arguing us and them
But for Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Rebbe!!

HASID MONSTER:
Shalom, Kate Monstervitz.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
You're not supposed to be using the internet!

HASID MONSTER:
But it's such a great place to do outreach.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
You shouldn't be singing about it where people can hear you.

HASID MONSTER (zipping lips):
Holy silence.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
(To him:) Good. (continuing)
On LJ no one knows if you're a Jew.

HASID MONSTER:
--But Hashem.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Sometimes I crave anonymity; wouldn't you?

HASID MONSTER:
For Hash -- oops, sorry.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Explore things through and through

HASID MONSTER:
For ---

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Discover something new
And online I can learn more about you--

HASID MONSTER:
FOR HASHEM!!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Hasid Monster!

HASID MONSTER:
The internet's for Hashem.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I just want a break--

HASID MONSTER:
The internet's for Hashem.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Can't I escape from this community even for a second?

HASID MONSTER:
He's here, He's there, He's everywhere
It's for Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
But the internet is for secular people!

HASID MONSTER:
Ah, that's where you're wrong, Kate Monstervitz.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
No, really, it's for chilonim.
Orthodoxim normalim don't sit at home and talk
To strangers on the internet!

HASID MONSTER (raising a fuzzy eyebrow):
Ohhhh?

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
What?!

HASID MONSTER:
You have no idea.
Ready, Orthodoxim?

CHORUS OF BLACK HATS:
Ready--- ready ----ready!

HASID MONSTER:
Let me hear it:

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
The internet's for Hashem!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON (to KATE, apologetically):
What can I do?

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
The internet's for Hashem!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
For Reformim, too!

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
In the darkest night
We can be a light
For Hashem, Hashem, Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Hold on a second!
Now I know for a fact that you, Rod, researched sexuality online.

ROD (primly):
That's correct.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
And Brian, you buy secular novels on Amazon.com.

BRIAN:
Sure!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
And Woody Allen, you keep looking for old movies on EBay.

WOODY ALLEN:
Yes I do!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
And Jewish American Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
True!

HASID MONSTER:
But any of those pastimes can be holy. Hmm?

KATE MONSTERVITZ (despairing):
I just want to be secular for a second!

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
The internet's for Hashem.

KATE MONSTERVITZ
But--

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
The internet's for Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Stop talking about God!

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
Me and you, we're Torah true

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I just want a break!

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
For Hashem, Hashem, Hashem!

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I'm leaving.

HASID MONSTER:
The internet is for

HASID AND SOME OF HIS POSSE:
The internet is for

HASID MONSTER AND HIS POSSE:
The internet's for Hashem!

INT. WINDOWSEAT. TEVYE's daughters are sitting in the window of their apartment, talking.

EXT. Others are milling about on the sidewalk below.

SHPRINTZE (to her sister):
I think I like it here on Avenue Jew.

CHINTZE:
You're just saying that because you have a boyfriend.

SHPRINTZE:
Who, Jewish American Princeton? You know -- once Papa said it was okay for us to be married, I kind of lost interest. I'm actually not so sure that boys are my thing...

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON (to BRIAN):
Isn't that always the way. And now Kate Monstervitz won't even give me the time of day.

BRIAN:
I feel your pain; I asked Chanukah Eve about her chanukah bush, and I think she totally took it the wrong way...

CHINTZE:
I think Mama's having a hard time here, though. It's so different from the world she grew up in...

MRS. TEVYE:
Is this the Chumash that I studied?
Is this the Rashi I once knew?
My daughters want to go see movies--

SHPRINTZE (appealing heavenward):
Wouldn't you?

MRS. TEVYE:
They read scholars
Whose names I've never heard of
Some "hypothesis doc-u-men-tary."
I've never been sure
What I believe in --

DAUGHTERS:
Neither are we!

MRS. TEVYE:
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Our girls are changing fast!
One season following another
Who knows how long this new phase will last?

TEVYE:
What words of wisdom can I offer?
This world is not the one we knew.

MRS. TEVYE:
We two must trust we've found a home
On Avenue Jew.

SHPRINTZE (to her sister, looking wistfully at CHANUKAH EVE):
They look so natural together
Just like two newlyweds should be.
Is there a Jewish girl in store for me?

TOGETHER, ALL:
Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Hold on to what stays
Even here in the wilds of New York
We can enjoy our happy days.

INT. KOSHER DELI. KATE MONSTERVITZ and NICKY and JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON are sitting at a table together, eating lunch.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
I wish I could go back to beit midrash.
Life was so simple back then.

NICKY:
What would I give to go back and live with those scholars, my rebbes and friends.

(Kate sighs)

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Wish I could go back to beit midrash,
Beit midrash just has this allure.
You stand and you learn, 'cause for knowledge you burn,
And you're totally reading the Tur!

ALL:
How do I go back to beit midrash?
I don't know who I am anymore!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
I want to go back to my room and touch my hand to that old mezuzah on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just open a book...

NICKY:
Or learn a new daf...

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Or daven ashrei...

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
From aleph to taf!

ALL:
I need the rebbetzin or the rebbe to turn the tv off!
We could be
Sitting in the old study hall
Tikkun chatzot at midnight cause the Temple is gone.
Thanking Hashem that we're here and we're learning
And vowing that we'll stay and pray 'til dawn!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to beit midrash!

ALL:
How do I go back to beit midrash?!
Ahhhh...

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
I wish I had studied more Rashi.

NICKY:
But if I were to go back to beit midrash,
Think what a shnorrer I'd be.
I'd open the book
And take my first look --

ALL:
"These kids know much more Talmud than me!"

EXT. STOOP. JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON is loitering glumly on a stair; NICKY is pestering him.

NICKY:
Give me a shekel
Here in my hat
C'mon, Princeton
It's easy as that!

Helping others brings you closer to God --
So give me a shekel!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
I don't have any change.

NICKY:
Okay; give me five shekels.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
That's not what I meant!

NICKY:
Give me eighteen.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Are you kidding?

NICKY:
The more you give, the more you get
Tzedakah is keen!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Ha!

NICKY:
All I'm asking you
Is to do what Maimonides would do.
He'd give me a shekel...
Why don't you?

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
All right, all right, here you go.
(grumpily) Take care.

(beat) Whoa.

NICKY:
What's the matter?

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
I -- feel generous!
I feel chesedik!
I feel like a real tzaddik!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

NICKY:
That's what I've been trying to tell you.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
All this time I've been running around thinking about me, me, me, and where's it gotten me? I'm going to do something for someone else.

NICKY:
Me?

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Kate Monstervitz! I'm going to raise the money to build that monster yeshiva she's always talking about, and then she'll forgive me for thinking I wanted to marry Shprintze for a minute there!

Give me your money!
I need it for Kate!

NICKY:
I need it to eat.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Come on, Nicky
It'll make you feel great!

NICKY:
So would a falafel!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Think of all those monster kids
Who need your help to become good Yids.
So give me your money...
Give me your money...

NICKY: (finally) ...Okay.

(beat)

NICKY:
Devekut brings me closer to God
It's time to stop getting, time to start giving
What can I give to Rod?
Something he'll like so much he'll want to be my hevruta partner again... I know! I'll introduce him to the Yenta from Anatevka!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
That's the spirit!

(TOGETHER):
When you help others
You can't help helping yourself.
When you help others
You can't help helping yourself.

WOODY ALLEN: (passing by)
Hey, boys! What's the hat for?

NICKY:
We're collecting money.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
It's for Kate Monstervitz. We're raising money to help her build her dream school!

Give us your shekels
It's almost Shabbat

WOODY ALLEN:
It's true, we can't carry money
And I'm holding a lot!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Giving feels so great

WOODY ALLEN:
And I'll bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Well, that too.

WOODY ALLEN:
I'll give you a shekel.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
For that, I won't heckle!

[Chanukah Eve and Brian enter, arm-in-arm.]

CHANUKAH EVE:
We so happy!
We just traded in the Talmud set you gave us as a wedding gift for cash.

BRIAN:
Honey, don't tell them that!

CHANUKAH EVE:
We got about eighteen hundred dollars -- we rich!

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON, NICKY, WOODY ALLEN:
Give us your shekels
Give us your shekels
Give us all of your shekels
Give us the dough --
We're raising money for a monster yeshiva
But we've got a ways to go!

Sounds like you've got money to burn
And it's not like money that you had to earn
So give us your money!

[Christmas Eve hands them a donation]

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Eighteen shekels?!

NICKY:
I guess we have a ways to go.

When you help others
You can't help helping yourself.

When you give anonymously
That's the highest way to fill a need
When you help others
You're really helping yourself!

When you give to a worthy cause
You're fulfilling Hashem's laws!
When you help others
You can't help helping yourself!

INT. BAR. LAZER WOLF and NICKY are sitting down for a drink. NICKY looks somewhat cautious, as though he's not sure what he's really doing there.

LAZER WOLF:
I suppose you know why I wanted to see you.

NICKY:
Everyone in town knows you're looking for a wife, but I don't know any single women your age--

LAZER WOLF:
Nicky, you have to understand, I'm lonely.

NICKY:
I'm sorry, I don't see how I can help you with that.

LAZER WOLF (impatiently):
I'm talking about your hevruta partner, Rod!

NICKY:
...Rod?

LAZER WOLF:
What do you think?

NICKY (aside):
What do I think? I never really liked him; but then again, I don't like guys to begin with. He might be just what Rod needs. And I was thinking of introducing him to the yenta...

(to Lazer Wolf) You'll have to see what he thinks, but my guess is: it's a match!

TOGETHER:
To life, to life
L'chaim!
L'chayim, l'chayim
To life!

NICKY:
Here's to the room-mate I've tried to be

LAZER WOLF:
Here's to my groom-to-be

TOGETHER: Drink l'chaim, to life
To life, L'chaim!
L'chaim, l'chayim,
To life

NICKY: I never thought you would turn out queer
A miracle has happened here!
Drink l'chaim, to life!

The Baal Shem Tov says to be joyful
Even when it looks like life won't go our way.

LAZER WOLF:
How much more can I be joyful
When I find a nice Jewish boy who's also gay!

TOGETHER:
To life, to life, l'chaim!

NICKY:
To Rod--

LAZER WOLF:
My new partner for life!

TOGETHER:
It gives you something to think about
Something to drink about
Drink l'chaim, to life!

And if Moshiach never appears
Here's to our earthly years
Drink l'chaim:
To life!

EXT. STOOP. JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON is sitting on the steps of a brownstone, looking dejected again. His friends are clustered around him.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose. Lots of Yidden don't.

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
But then I'll never know why I'm alive.

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
Well...who does, really?
No one really comprehends
all of God's plan.

BRIAN:
When I became bar mitzvah,
I wasn't really a man!

WOODY ALLEN:
Don't walk in my footsteps

BRIAN:
Do the best that you can

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
For now

TOGETHER:
For now --

NICKY:
Expect the unexpected
Life is full of surprises

ROD:
You'll be faced with problems

LAZER WOLF:
Of all shapes and sizes!

CHANUKAH EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises
For now

HASID MONSTER:
For now

TOGETHER:
But only for now
Only for now
Only for now
Only for now!

BRIAN:
For now we're singing
We know the words to this verse

TEVYE:
For now we're happy

KATE MONSTERVITZ:
(Let us not tempt a curse!)

JEWISH AMERICAN PRINCETON:
And we'll remember life could always be worse
For now
(For now, for now)

TOGETHER:
But only for now
Only for now
Only for now
Only for now

Only for now (for now there's Rashi)
Only for now (for now there's Talmud)
Only for now (for now there's learning)
for now there's happiness

But only for now (for now, halakha)
Only for now (for now, these chumras)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now --

Only for now (niddah!)
Is only for now (your wig!)
Is only for now (Ehud Olmert!)
Is only for now

Nu: eat!
Have a treat!
Sit down and rest your feet
Olam ha-ba will be so sweet
And everything in life
Is only for now!

(END)