Every time Guts woke up Griffith was waiting for him. It was uncanny how he would always be there without fail. There was never any time for him; his time was separated in two parts. The time when he was engulfed in darkness and the time when he awake suffocating in the light of Griffith’s presence. There was no in-between. He only had a few minutes to himself and even that was being quickly eroded by Griffith’s presence.
Griffith was the only one who cared about Guts. He was the one who changed his bandages and brought him food. He was the one who saved him from those fuckers who left him with one eye and one arm. If it wasn’t for Griffith he would be dead. No one else came to visit him, only Griffith. He wondered if there was anyone else he was supposed to care about. Sometimes he dreamt about faces that seemed familiar but strangers at the same time. He only saw vague outlines of what he assumed to be his fellow soldiers, comrades that where part of the Band of the Falcon, a woman who had dark skin and a man with yellow hair, but he could never be certain. Even the name Band of the falcon seemed strange and unfamiliar to him.
“I swear it was called the eagle or the ...hawk?”
“No Guts. Our mercenary band is called the band of the Falcon. It’s ok if your memory doesn’t come back. You don’t have to force yourself to remember. In fact it might be better that you don’t. We parted on bad terms after all. ’’
Every time Guts tried to bring up the past Griffith would be evasive which is understandable given their falling out. He couldn’t for the life of him figure out what could possibly make him leave Griffith. He was amazing. The way he talked about his battle plans and his political schemes infatuated him. He knew that this man was not only on his way to greatness he is already great and is reaching ever greater heights still. Griffith told him about his dream to create a kingdom where everyone was judged for their skills and not by their blood. Where a poor man could rise from the gutters and a rich man could descend into hell.
He spoke eloquently with an intelligence that Guts had never witnessed. If he could remember his past he was certain that Griffith would still be the most captivating and the most important person he had known. He asked Griffith if he was a noble and Griffith had laughed. They were in bed together fully clothed which sparked disappointment within him, but he refused to dwell on it and instead decided to quietly bask in the warmth of Griffith’s embrace. From the time he was awake to the time he slept he was the sole focus of Griffith’s attention. He was the only one who was present in those ocean eyes. He was the one who got to feel those muscular arms around him and the one who felt his breath tickle his neck. He was the one that had those fingers card through his rough hair. And he loved it. He loved it , the intimacy, the closeness , but he was also terrified of it . He was terrified of the depth of emotions that he felt towards this beautiful man with his angelic features. Honestly a part of him was repulsed. How could he feel this way towards someone of the same sex? Towards a fellow soldier who was his commander and dear friend. He felt disgusted with himself, but he couldn’t help it. He had to get closer to the warmth, safety, and acceptance that is Griffith.
He pulled Griffith closer to him and buried his face into the crook of his neck engulfing his fresh minty scent. The move obviously shocked Griffith but then he smiled and wrapped his arms more firmly around him lacing his fingers behind Gut’s back trapping him, that is if you can trap someone who is willing in the first place. “What has brought this on ?” Guts hummed. “You know you used tell me everything before .whispered Griffith. You would come into my tent and we would lye together on my bed talking about everything. We were so close before you abandoned me.”
Suddenly all the rush of emotion that Guts had been feeling erupted out of him in a small gasp. Everything clicked into place and he was certain that he had unlocked the mystery of their past. Discovered the reason behind his betrayal that always held an oppressive chain around their interactions and the reason why Griffith sometimes looked at him as if he couldn’t believe that he was there and wouldn’t just run off at any moment.
I think I know why I left
Oh. Why did you leave.
Guts put both of his hands on Griffith’s cheeks, cradling him, and looked into his eyes.
I want you. I desire you like a man desires a woman. I’m sorry.
The look on Griffith’s face, his pupils widening so that instead of sky blue staring at him it was complete blackness almost like the eclipse of the sun, could only be pure disgust.
Guts was scared. He was scared of himself.
He was not like those men who lusted after little boys and violated them. He was not like that faceless man that invaded his dreams after the nights where he sat to close to Griffith and enjoyed his touch too much. The thought of intimacy terrified him especially intimacy with a man, with Griffith. The not knowing is what terrified him the most. He was certain something horrific happened to him and certain that the faceless man in his nightmares was a real man who raped him and he had blocked it out. And now he was that man channelling those same feeling, but directing it towards Griffith, a noble man who was skilled worrier and his commander. The man who will be king. The man who gave him everything, and who he betrayed, and betrayed once again.
I’m sorry . I’ll leave.
You are not leaving . Don’t be ridiculous.
Guts looked aghast . Could Griffith not see that things could never be the same again?
I have too.
Suddenly Griffith switched their positions so that Guts was lying on the bed his head cushioned by the soft pillows and Griffith on top of him.
You are not leaving. You are never leaving. Whispered Griffith feverishly. All this time wasted
The rest was a blur to Guts. He was lost in the haze of pleasure consumed by the adrenalin orchestrated by Griffith. He was lost in between all the pleasure brought on by Griffith’s soft touches and fiery kisses and his possessive murmuring of mine and that right before Griffith , thrusting in and out of him , reached his climax he looked at Guts right in the eyes , his eyes once again resembling an eclipse , cried out you belong to me. And Guts was sure he had never felt so needed, wanted, and safe in his life. Guts was certain, or perhaps had always been certain that Griffith was his everything. He was his past and future.
Later on when they where stated both lying in bed their arms wrapped around each other underneath the covers Guts said softly “I think when I was a child....’’
And Griffith hugged him closer stroking his hair whispering softly it’s ok and me too.
“ we are not like them. You understand that we are not like them.’’
Guts smiled and kissed Griffith, hoping to convey all the emotion this beautiful wonderful man brought out in him. Hoping to convey that Griffith could never be wrong not to him and that every time he dreamt , he dreamt of him.