Chapter 1: Chat Group!
Waffles (Waffles4ever) has added Edgelord (ThirtyMillionKruge), Wraith (ItsyBitsySpider), Sunshine (VanSunshine), JeSpErThEgReAt (KazSucks) and WOLFBOY (WolfBoy13) to the chat.
Waffles: Hey guys!!!
Sunshine: What is this...?
Waffles: I made a group chat?
JeSpErThEgReAt: This is so cool!
WOLFBOY: HOW DO YOU TURN CAPS LOCK OFF?!
Wraith: Push the caps lock button, Matthias.
Edgelord (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset names to (ThirtyMillionKruge), Nina (Waffles4ever), Inej (ItsyBitsySpider), Jesper (KazSucks), Wylan (VanSunshine) and Matthias (WolfBoy13)
Inej: Oop, Kaz is here
Jesper: We’re dead.
Matthias: IT ISN’T WORKING INEJ
Kaz: You guys do realize we’re all in the same room, right?
Wylan: Yeah but it’s more fun this way
Matthias: GUYS I CAN’T TURN CAPS LOCK OFF
Kaz: Push the **** caps lock button!!
Kaz: Wait what the **** it won’t let me swear!
Wylan: Yeah, I did that.
Jesper: Our innocent cinnamon roll is protecting himself, awwww
Inej: Honestly that’s for the best
Wylan: I’m not a cinnamon roll!
Matthias: YES YOU ARE, AND I STILL CAN’T GET CAPS LOCKS TO TURN OFF
Nina: How many times did you push it?!
Matthias: A LOT
Inej: Push it ONCE
Matthias: Oh. That’s better.
Kaz: Idiots. I live with idiots.
Chapter 2: Teasing Kaz
Nina and Jesper have fun teasing Kaz
Hope you guys are enjoying these ❤️
I’m having lots of fun writing them.
Kaz: JESPER, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!
Inej: Ooh, Kaz is mad
Kaz: Shut up, Wraith.
Kaz: I will actually kill, you I'm not kidding. JESPER!!!
Jesper: Sheesh, Kaz, you're making my phone explode.
Kaz: WHERE ARE YOU?!
Inej: Hope ya have a good excuse this time, Jes
Jesper: I'm on a date with Wylan, leave me alone!
Kaz: WELL I NEED YOU HERE!
Jesper: You want to go out with me too? I'm flattered, Kaz
Inej: He's so dead.
Kaz: I swear that if you're not back in 5 minutes, I will rip you apart limb by limb and laugh at your screams
Jesper: Awww, you miss me.
Kaz: I didn't- you- AAARGH!
Inej: Awwwww, you miss him, Kaz
Kaz: I do NOT miss him
Jesper: Who wouldn't miss this beautiful face?
Nina: You're pushing it a bit there, don't you think?
Kaz: I'm actually going to kill you.
Inej: Kaz, n0
Kaz: Inej, yEs
Inej: If you kill him, I'll tell everyone what you did last night
Kaz: JESPER LIVES
Nina: Kaz, what DID you do last night?
Jesper: yEs KaZ, TeLL uS
Kaz: I hate you, Inej
Inej: You can't hate me that much, considering that you kissed me
Kaz: SHUT UP!
Nina: INEJ AND KAAZZ SITTING IN A TREE
Kaz: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Kaz: SHUT IT!
Nina: Kaz is in loooove, Kaz is in looooove
Kaz has left the chat group
Chapter 3: Truth or Dare!
Playing some truth or dare through texts. Kaz now despises the game.
This one is kinda long, oops. Wrote it at night, when I was tired, so sorry for any typos.
Jesper: I think we should play a game.
Inej: Like what?
Jesper: Truth or Dare!
Kaz: This ought to be good...
Nina: I LOVE truth or dare!!
Matthias: I despise truth or dare.
Inej: Eh, I’ll play.
Jesper: Okay, okay. I’ll go first. Kaz, truth or dare?
Kaz: I feel like this will go badly either way... Dare.
Jesper: Kiss Inej.
Kaz: Not happening.
Inej: You haaaaaave to.
Kaz: Stop sounding happy about this.
Wylan: You were the one who asked for a dare, Kaz
Matthias: Just do it.
Kaz: What are you, a Nike advertiser?
Nina: Do it, do it, do it
Jesper: DO IT, DO IT, DO IT
Kaz: *kisses Inej* There
Wylan: You can’t just write *kisses Inej*
Matthias: That’s cheating!
Kaz: It’s Jesper’s fault for not being specific.
Jesper: Dammit, fine.
Kaz: Nina, truth or dare?
Kaz: No waffles for a week.
Nina: EXCUSE ME?! I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT WAFFLES!
Kaz: You deserve it.
Inej: Awww, poor Nina
Matthias: I’m going to be so rich now that I don’t have to spend all my money on waffles for her
Nina: We have a deal going, Matthias. You buy me waffles, I kiss you
Matthias: I don’t see why you choose NOW to mention this!
Inej: No, Kaz, you have to repeat the ‘o’. Like this. Oooooooooooooo
Inej: You don’t need periods after every ‘o’.
Kaz: I want it to be grammatically correct. And Nina, if you don’t agree to the ‘no waffles’ thing I’ll break up with Inej.
Inej: Excuse me?!
Nina: KANEJ MUST LIVE. Fine, no waffles for a week.
Kaz: Your turn to ask someone, then.
Nina: Okay, Inej, truth or dare?
Nina: You’re no fun. Okay, do you love Kaz?
Kaz: ... why do I feel like this is still targeted at me?!
Wylan: Because it is.
Nina: Answer the question, Inej
Inej: Only a fool would love Kaz Brekker.
Kaz: Yes, she doesn’t love me, can we continue, please?
Inej: But it appears I am a fool.
Jesper: Ooooooo Kazzzz she loooooooves you
Kaz: Shut up, Fahey
Inej: I am enjoying this. Wylan, truth or dare?
Kaz: Jesper, stop whispering ‘Dare’ in his ear
Jesper: You have creepy good hearing, Kaz
Inej: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard Jesper say is his sleep?
Jesper: Hey! I don’t sleep-talk!
Wylan: ...yes you do, Jes. The weirdest thing was probably “Oh Kazzzzz, you’re so handsome.... I luuuuuuvvvvv you.”
Kaz: WHAT?! NO! ON SO MANY LEVELS, NO.
Jesper: Please tell me I didn’t actually say that...
Wylan: You did.
Matthias: Someone please push the mute buttons on Inej and Nina, their laughing is breaking my ears...
Kaz: WHY ARE ALL OF THESE ALWAYS TARGETED AT ME?!
Wylan: Okay, Matthias, truth or dare?
Wylan: If you could punch anyone right now, who would it be?
Inej: I love how everyone including Matthias is looking at Kaz right now
Kaz: Matthias, if you say ‘Kaz’ I will murder you in your sleep.
Jesper: Matthias is considering it... Matthias is looking at me... Why is he looking at me?!
Matthias: I’d punch Jesper.
Kaz: Wise choice.
Inej: We all know the real answer.
Nina: And everyone is looking at Kaz again.
Kaz: it’s very diffictje to type while glarign at yoi
Matthias: Jesper, truth or dare?
Matthias: I dare you to punch Kaz.
Kaz: Every. Single. One. Is. Targeted. At. Me.
Inej: Technically, Nina’s wasn’t.
Kaz: You shut your mouth.
Inej: o.o Jes punched Kaz
Nina: Wow, I didn’t think he’d actually do it.
Wylan: I hope Jesper is fast.
Matthias: I don’t.
Chapter 4: Waffles!
Nina runs out of waffles.
A random short one I did. 7 kudos already, wow! Thanks, everyone!
Also, I just finished Ruin and Rising. Very emotional. And I still ship Nikolai and Alina no matter what Leigh Bardugo thinks.
Nina: GUYS, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!!
Inej: What's wrong?
Jesper: Is it Kaz? Did he finally die?!
Kaz: No, I'm here
Jesper: Dang it...
Kaz: Try again.
Jesper: Yay, Kaz is alive!
Matthias: What's going on?
Wylan: Nina, answer us!
Nina: Okay guys, I'll tell you whats wrong, but you have to promise to stay calm.
Jesper: :D :D
Wylan: Jesper says yes. So do I.
Nina: Okay, okay. WE'RE OUT OF WAFFLES!!!
Kaz: Are. You. KIDDING ME?!
Nina: No! Isn't it horrible?!
Inej: Nina, please make sure it's an actually emergency next time...
Wylan: Yeah, I was in the middle of drawing!
Nina: I'm serious!
Nina: I'm still hungry
Chapter 5: Thieves
Another short, weird thing. Thanks for the kudos!
Matthias: I don’t like this.
Jesper: You don’t have to like it.
Matthias: We’re all going to be killed
Jesper: Not if you listen to me.
Matthias: What part of your half-insane mind thinks it’s a good idea to steal from Kaz Brekker?
Jesper: Are you scared of him?
Nina: Me too.
Inej: I could go tell Kaz right now.
Jesper: NO DON’T YOU DARE!
Nina: Jesper’s scared too.
Inej: You guys go get yourself killed if you want. I’m going to feed the crows.
Jesper: But we need you for the plan- she’s gone.
Matthias: Me and Nina quit too.
Jesper: Kaz won’t even know!
Kaz: Jesper, you realize you’re texting me all of this too?
Matthias: Nice going, Jesper
Kaz: Yes, you idiot.
Kaz: Now get your face over here so I can kill you
Chapter 6: Emoji War!
Literally just Jes and Inej trying to beat each other at making emojis
Jesper: Inej, I bet I can make better emojis than you
Inej: Is that a challenge?
Jesper: Yes, yes it is. I challenge you to an emoji war.
Inej: You’re on.
Jesper: Okay, I’ll start. :)
Inej: That is just so sad. :D
Jesper! It’ll get better. (-:
Inej: I sure hope so. o-O
Jesper: That’s the expression on your face when you see THIS: T-T
Inej: Let’s get serious, here. <>< FISH TIME
Jesper: Oh, my speacialty. <*)))><
Inej: Watch and learn, Jes. <*)_)))_)><[
Jesper: -.- You’re the worst. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ
Inej: Oh, we're getting serious now. ｡◕‿◕｡
Inej: (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)
Inej: ┬┴┬┴┤ ͜ʖ ͡°) ├┬┴┬┴
Jesper: ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з= ( ▀ ͜͞ʖ▀) =ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿
Inej: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Jesper: (╯°Д°)╯︵/(.□ . \)
Inej: ┻━┻︵ \(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻
Kaz: ╰(⇀︿⇀)つ-]═─── ┻━┻︵ \(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻ (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)눈_눈.̮.( ꒪Д꒪)ノ┬┴┤･ω･)ﾉ hello?├┬┴┬(-■_■)
Inej: So Kaz wins then.
Chapter 7: Zoya and Kaz
Literally just Zoya and Kaz arguing
Here’s one between Zoya and Kaz
Zoya: Hello, Brekker
Kaz: How the hell did you get my number?!
Zoya: Because I’m amazing.
Kaz: I’m Dirtyhands, the most dangerous man in Ketterdam. No one is more amazing than me.
Zoya: You’re just a teenager with edgy hair and a cane who has never done anything useful in his life
Kaz: I ripped out a man’s eye once
Zoya: I’ve cooked people alive, sit down
Kaz: I infiltrated the Ice Court
Zoya: I infiltrated your home
Zoya: I win.
Chapter 8: Riley
I don’t know what this is 😂
Kaz get tormented by the rest of the Crows for naming his hair
Thanks for all your support ❤️
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Inej: Guys, I found out something hilarious.
Kaz: Don’t you dare tell them!
Inej: Oh, I’m telling them.
Nina: What is it?
Jesper Yeah, I wanna know!
Kaz: IT’S NOTHING OKAY WE CAN MOVE ON NOW
Wylan: I’m curious too!
Matthias: This is entertaining
Kaz: IT’S NOTHING! N O T H I N G AND INEJ IS A LIAR
Inej: Kaz, stop trying to grab my phone!!!
Kaz: Then keep your mouth shut!
Inej: KAZ NAMED HIS HAIR
Jesper: Wait wait wait... he named his hair?!
Kaz: NO I DIDN’T!
Nina: Ooh, what did you name it, Kaz?
Kaz: Nina, SHUT IT. And Inej, you are so dead
Inej: I doubt that.
Matthias: This is amazing
Jesper: Inej, what did he name it?
Kaz: DON’T TELL THEM
Inej: He named it Riley
Kaz: LIES, I TELL YOU! LIES!
Nina (Waffles4Ever) has reset name to Riley.
Riley: I’m Kaz’s hair :D :D and Kaz is a creepy psychopath who’s in love with Inej
Kaz: I **** hate you.
Wylan: This is awesome. Wait, I have an idea!
Wylan (Van Sunshine) has reset Riley (Waffles4ever)’s name to Nina.
Wylan (VanSunshine) has reset Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge)’s name to Riley.
Riley: NO! JUST NO!
Riley (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset name to Kaz.
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset Inej (ItsyBitsSpider)’s name to TRAITOR
Kaz: Much better.
TRAITOR (ItsyBitsySpider) has reset Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge)’s name to Riley4life
Riley4life: You little...
Jesper: I love how the rest of us are just watching all this happen
Matthias: Best not to get involved.
Riley4life (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset name to KAZ
KAZ: NOW NO ONE CHANGE IT
Nina (Waffles4ever) has reset KAZ (ThirtyMillionKruge)’s name to Riley and Kaz sitting in a tree
Riley and Kaz sitting in a tree: That is so wrong on so many levels...
Jesper: And here I thought Kaz was as straight as his cane
Riley and Kaz sitting in a tree: Shut it, Fahey
Riley and Kaz sitting in a tree (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset name to Kaz.
Kaz: Next person to change my name gets kicked from the chat group.
Kaz: And no one will say a word about this
Jesper: Why are you looking at me?
Wylan: Why do you think, Jes?
Jesper: I DON’T KNOWWWWW
Kaz: I’m going back to bed...
This is based off of a roleplay I did with a friend
Chapter 9: Never Have I Ever
A game of never have I ever becomes an argument about Inej
Haha, this was fun :)
Jesper: Hey guys?
Jesper: Wanna play ‘never have I ever’?
Kaz: Is this going to end like truth or dare did?
Jesper: No. Facing Kaz’s wrath once is enough
Nina: It’s not fair, Kaz never gets mad at Inej
Inej: I’m just that much better then all of you
Jesper: Haha, suuuuuure
Matthias: You’ve got the advantage of Kaz being in love with you
Kaz: THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER. Let’s play.
Matthias: Never have I ever eaten Nina’s biscuits.
Inej: I have!
Nina: I have, obviously.
Kaz: I did, once. They were gross.
Nina: EXCUSE ME, HOW DID YOU GET THEM?!
Kaz: I opened the box, picked one up, and ate it.
Jesper: So you stole it.
Nina: I hate you, Brekker
Jesper: She won’t share them with me!
Kaz: You’ll get over it. Okay... never have I ever kissed Jesper Fahey
Matthias: Saints no
Nina: I mean he’s cute and all but I’ve got Matty instead
Jesper: Is it possible to kiss yourself?
Jesper: Well Wylan’s kissed me many times
Wylan: Did you really have to say that?
Nina: And we all know Inej hasn’t because her heart belongs to Kaz
Inej: It was one time! And it was a dare!
Matthias: This just got interesting
Jesper: You do realize Kaz will never forgive us for this, don’t you?
Kaz: JESPER LLEWELYN FAHEY, GET OVER HERE
Inej! He’ll forgive me. He won’t forgive you.
Jesper: HELP MEEEEEE
Nina: They’ll be busy for a while. Never have I ever actually thought Kaz’s schemes would work
Inej: Nope, I think we were all just extremely lucky
Kaz: Excuse me, my plans are flawless
Matthias: I knew we were doomed from the moment he started talking
Wylan: They were a bit of a long shot...
Inej: Jesper’s just laying on the ground moaning
Inej: Kaz, be nice. Never have I ever almost died
Nina: What about that time Oomen stabbed you?
Inej: That doesn’t count. I was fine, like I said.
Matthias: How about that fight with Dunyasha?
Inej: Nina caught me. I didn’t almost die
Nina: Excuse me, you fell 20 stories! If that’s not almost dying, I don’t know what is.
Inej: It was 21 stories.
Kaz: You almost died. Face it.
Inej: I ALMOST ALMOST DIED. I DIDN’T ALMOST DIE.
Wylan: What’s the difference?!
Nina: I have no idea...
Inej: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
Kaz: FACE IT, WRAITH
Inej (ItsyBitsySpider) has left the chat.
Chapter 10: Requests!
Alright, I need ideas, so if you guys have any requests, put them here! Thanks!
Pleeeese gimme requests
I NEED THEM because I’m so uncreative
Have a weird little thing.
Wylan: *looking at Kuwei* Die
Inej: ...it doesn’t work like that.
Wylan: Die die die die
Kuwei: Hello, Wylan.
Wylan: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
Kaz: I have taught him well.
Chapter 11: Wesper Thing
Requested by beingthebait! This was fun to write!
Jesper: Morning, Sunshine
Wylan: Jesper... It’s 3 am... why are you texting me at 3 am?!
Jesper: That’s a good question
Wylan: I’m going back to bed...
Jesper: SUNSHINE, WAKE UP
Jesper: WYLAN WYLAN WYLAN WYLAN WYLAN WYLAN
Wylan: Stopppppp I’m trying to sleep
Jesper: Haha! I have succeeded! My incredibly good looks have awoken you. Awaken? Woke uppen? Awoketh? Awakeneth?
Wylan: It’s too early for this...
Jesper: It’s never too early for my beautiful face
Wylan: I will actually block you
Jesper: You wouldn’t. 😏
Wyaln: I will if you don’t let me sleep!
Jesper: Sleep is for the weak
Wylan: You sounds like Kaz.
Jesper: But more handsome
Wylan: Fine, whatever...
Jesper: He admits it! Haha!
Wylan: Shut up.
Kuwei (ImBack) has joined the chat.
Wylan: Oh no..
Jesper: Kuwei... why are you here?
Kuwei: I thought I’d see what my boyfriend is doing
Wylan: SOMEONE PLEASE BLOCK HIM
Wylan: Kuwei, GO AWAY
Kuwei: I’d rather not
Wylan: JESPER, MAKE HIM LEAVE
Kuwei: Jesper won’t do that. He loves me.
Jesper: ....Kuwei, you know I have a boyfriend?
Kuwei: Yes. It’s me.
Jesper: Um, no. It’s Wylan.
Kuwei: People die. All the time.
Kuwei (ImBack) has left the chat.
Wylan: I’m scared.
Jesper: Don’t worry, he’s just kidding
Wylan: Yeah, you’re probably right.
5 minutes later...
Wylan: JESPER HELP THERE’S SOMEONE AT MY WINDOW
Chapter 12: Charging Cord
Nina’s phone is about to die and the charging cord is missing
Your support means so much! Thanks to everyone for reading and thanks for all the kind comments and kudos! You can still request scenarios!
Nina: Alright, which one of you idiots took the charging cord?
Inej: Not me.
Kaz: Get another fricking charging cord
Wylan: You know it seems kinda stupid that we only bought one for all of us to share
Matthias: I’m sorry, have you met us? We are the embodiment of stupidity.
Nina: Well my phone is gonna die, so which one of you have it?!
Jesper: Please don’t turn this into another guessing game...
Kaz: One of us has to have it. Who used it last?
Wylan: Wait, who has the most battery left?
Wylan: Mine’s 77%
Nina: 2% and it’s gonna die if ya don’t hurry up
Nina: INEJ! YOU EVIL TRAITOR-
Inej: Hey! That’s not exactly fair. I rarely use my phone, so obviously I’d have more left. Jesper goes through his phone’s whole battery before I even go down 1%
Jesper: Excuse me, your phone is just better
Kaz: Her phone is 5 years older than your phone, Jesper
Jesper: Oh. Riiiiight...
Matthias: I think Kaz has it and is just doing this to annoy us
Kaz: That’s possible.
Nina: BREKKER GET YOUR FACE OVER HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU
Wylan: Kaz, if you have it, can you please say so?
Kaz: Nah I’m good
Nina: THIS ISN’T UP FOR NEGOTIATION!
Inej: Nina, you can’t ask Kaz to do something and expect him to do it
Nina: Technically, Wylan asked him.
Wylan: Inej, maybe you should ask
Inej: 🙄 Kaz, dearest, would you kindly return the charging cord to Nina Zenik so that she may replenish her phone’s battery?
Kaz: Alright but I’ll need Jesper to give it to me first.
Jesper: Hey! Kaz!
Kaz: You’re literally sitting right next to me laughing about it. I thought it’d get you to shut up
Nina: JESPER! HERE. NOW.
Jesper: But now she’s gonna kill me!
Kaz: Not if you don’t die
Jesper: That’s what kill me means, you idiot
Kaz: You’ll survive
Matthias: That’s not how that works...
Jesper: HELP, SHE FOUND ME!
Inej: Good luck!
Wylan: He’ll need it...
Chapter 13: Tulip-Face
Requested by Lynn_Forster
Matthias and Nina have a conversation, but don't realize they're talking in the group chat.
Matthias: What now?
Nina: I’m hungryyyyyyy
Matthias: Get yourself some food, then
Nina: But Kaz is standing next to the fridge glaring at me. It’s creepy.
Matthias: Well I’m not going over there
Nina: Don’t you love me??
Matthias: Yes, dear, but I’m not messing with Brekker.
Nina: Jesper would get it for me...
Matthias: Fine! I’m going, sheesh
Matthias: This is a one-time thing, alright?
Nina: That’s what you said about kissing me, but it happened many, many times
Matthias: Would you shut up?
Nina: I’d rather not
Matthias: Well now Kaz is smirking at me, thanks a lot
Nina: Wait, he’s smirking? That’s never good.
Matthias: More like grinning, actually. Inej is doing it too
Nina: Ignore them. Also, this waffle is delicious!
Matthias: Can I at least have a thank-you?
Nina: Thank you, Tulip-face
Matthias: Please don’t
Nina: My little drüskelle
Matthias: You can stop now
Nina: Matty Catty
Matthias: What does that even- I don’t want to know...
Nina: The best kisser in all of Ketterdam
Nina: Aside from Jesper, of course
Matthias: Oh yeah, and how would you know?
Matthias: Wait, don’t answer that
Jesper: She’s got a good point there
Nina: Um, how much of that did you hear?
Jesper: The whole thing
Kaz: That’s an understandable response.
Nina: Not you too!
Matthias: Nina, love, I think we sent this to the group chat...
Jesper: Don’t worry, Tulip-face. We won’t tell anyone
Matthias: Shut up
Wylan: You say that a lot, don’t you?
Nina: It’s his favourite sentence
Matthias: It is not.
Inej: Then what is? “Nina, I love you?”
Matthias: I hate you
Kaz: You’d be surprised how often people tell us that
Matthias (WolfBoy13) has rage-quit the chat.
Chapter 14: A Guessing Game
Kaz forgets an important day, just like he does every year
Inej: Good morning, everyone
Jesper: You guys think Kaz remembered?
Kaz: Remembered what?
Matthias: Did he forget again?
Kaz: What did I forget?!
Inej: Do you know what day it is, Kaz?
Kaz: It’s Tuesday, July 7th
Wylan: That’s not what she means
Nina: I can’t believe he forgot again
Kaz: Is it Christmas already?
Matthias: Of course not, you idiot
Inej: Here we go...
Kaz: Is it Halloween?
Jesper: It’s not flipping October, Kaz
Kaz: New Years?
Nina: He really doesn’t remember, does he?
Inej: He does this every year. I’m used to it.
Kaz: I swear if it’s international Jesper day, I’m going to kill someone
Wylan: No, that was last week
Kaz: Thank the saints. Is it Kerch Day?
Kaz: Day of the Dead?
Kaz: Is it some stupid Saints day?
Inej: 🙄 No, Kaz
Kaz: Djel Day?
Matthias: That’s not a thing
Kaz: Pi Day?
Wylan: I wish...
Jesper: Hey guys, if pi goes on forever, does that mean Pi Day never ends?
Inej: Shut up.
Kaz: I’m running out of ideas here. Is it Spider Day?
Nina: ...Don’t think that exists
Inej: Of course it does
Kaz: Waffle day?
Nina: EVERY DAY IS WAFFLE DAY
Jesper: It’s not waffle day
Kaz: Everyone keeps secrets from their favourite person day?
Inej: You’re impossible
Nikolai (HandsomePirate) has joined the chat
Nikolai (HandsomePirate) has left the chat
Nina: ...so that was random
Kaz: I think I know
Inej: Guys I think he actually remebered
Kaz: It’s April Fool’s day, isn’t it? This is all a joke
Kaz: Well I don’t know!!!
Inej: It’s my birthday, Kaz.
Kaz: ...You gonna say April Fools or what?
Chapter 15: Kaz Impressions
Literally just everyone doing an impression of Kaz
I’m still taking requests btw
Jesper: Let’s play a game
Wylan: How come all of our conversations start like this...?
Kaz: And end with me almost killing someone?
Inej: Hey, I’ll play
Nina: Me too
Wylan: So what’s the game?
Jesper: We have to pretend to be each other. Like do impressions of each other
Nina: Who wants to see my Kaz Brekker impression??
Inej: Do it, Nina!
Nina: “I’m Kaz and I despise everyone except Inej because she’s beautiful. She’s almost as beautiful as my thirty million kruge. Oh Ineeeejjjjjjj I luuuvvvv youuuuu”
Wylan: That was wonderful
Kaz: THIS GAME IS OVER
Matthias: You have to admit it was accurate
Jesper: My turn!
Jesper: “JESPER LLEWELYN FAHEY GET OVER HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU!”
Kaz: I do not sound like that
Inej: Ehhh you kinda do
Kaz: I bet Inej can do a decent impression of me
Inej: “All I care about is my THIRTY MILLION FRICKING KRUGE”
Kaz: You’re all disappointments
Jesper: Thank you.
Kaz: Wylan, help me out here
Wylan: “Useless merchling”
Kaz: 😐 I’m afraid to ask Matthias’s version
Matthias: “You can’t break into the Ice Court, they said. It’s impossible, they said. But when people say impossible, they usually mean improbable.”
Nina: It’s like Kaz and Nikolai Lantsov combined
Inej! I think Nikolai is basically the happy version of Kaz
Kaz: I am nothing like Nikolai. He’s an annoying reckless jerk
Wylan: You just described yourself-
Kaz: No one asked you, Wylan
Kaz: This discussion is over
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has deleted the chat group
Chapter 16: What Goes In A Toaster?
This is based off of an argument me and my sister had. We also do the alternative: what comes out of a toaster?
Jesper: I have a question none of you will get right.
Kaz: That’s impossible.
Jesper: Oh yeah? What goes in a toaster?
Kaz: Bread, obviously
Jesper: See, you think it’s toast, but really- oh. Very well, then
Jesper: You're still wrong
Inej: Then what’s the answer?
Jesper: Uncooked toast.
Inej: Ask me!
Jesper: Inej, what goes in a toaster
Inej: Uncooked fricking toast
Jesper: Wrong. Bread goes in a toaster
Inej: That’s cheating-
Jesper: Inej, Kaz, what goes in a toaster?
Kaz: Uncooked toast!!!
Jesper: You’re both wrong. Cooked dough goes in a toaster
Kaz: NO ONE CALLS IT FRICKING COOKED DOUGH
Inej: There’s no right answer!
Jesper: Of course there is. Nina, what goes in a toaster?
Jesper: And there you have it: Nina Zenik is smarter than both Kaz and Inej
Kaz: Jesper, what goes in a toaster?
Jesper: Good question
Kaz: Your hand when I catch you
Kaz: You can have a three second head start if it makes you feel better
Chapter 17: Jesper’s Puns
Literally just Jes annoying everyone else with puns
Sorry I haven’t updated in a while, I’ve been kinda busy with softball. But here’s another one for you!
Jesper: Wow, there sure were a lot of kaz-ualties from the fire
Wylan: Not again...
Kaz: You do this just to annoy us, don’t you?
Jesper: Of corpse not!
Inej: Please no...
Kaz: Stop making references to me being a killer
Jesper: I’m being dead serious, Kaz
Kaz: I am going to kill you
Jesper: Now Wy would you ever do that?
Wylan: Don’t drag me into this!!
Matthias: SOMEONE MAKE HIM SHUT UP
Jesper: You’re not Jes-perate for more puns?
Nina: Now he’s doing them about himself...
Inej: This will probably last a while
Jesper: What the Helvar are you guys talking about? My jokes are amazing!
Matthias: NO NO NO NO NO
Jesper: I’m just winging it here
Nina: And he’s onto the crow puns
Jesper: Caw-mon, Nina, this is fun!
Kaz: Should I block him?
Jesper: Colm down, Kaz.
Wylan: MAKE IT STOP
Kaz: Jesper, you’re getting kicked from the chat group
Jesper: But Kaz! It’ll brekk my heart!
Inej: Wait, I wanna hear these ones
Jesper: I’ll tell you more after Brekkfast
Kaz: THAT’S IT
Jesper: Do you Nina hug, Kaz?
Jesper (KazSucks) has been kicked from the chat group.
Chapter 18: Help Me (Not an actual chapter)
I am completely out of ideas
Sorry, this isn’t an update 😂
Chapter 19: New Friends
Requested by Beingthebait
This is the first out of three conversations for your request, Basically a Shadow and Bone crossover. This conversation is between Nikolai, Inej, Kaz, and Zoya.
Nikolai (HandsomePirate) has added Zoya (KazSucks2), Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) and Inej (ItsyBitsySpider) to the chat.
Kaz: What is this...?
Kaz: Also, why the hell is Zoya here? And why is her username ‘KazSucks2’?!
Zoya: Unfortunately, KazSucks was already taken
Inej: Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jesper’s username is that
Nikolai: Well, how is my favourite couple of crows doing?
Kaz: We aren’t a couple
Nikolai: Yes, you keep telling yourselves that.
Zoya: Why is Brekker here, Nikolai?
Nikolai: We went over this already. We need to make sure they don’t go on any more crazy missions to Ice Courts
Zoya: Why don’t we let them? Then they can finally die
Nikolai: Zoya, if we let them go on another mission, they’ll come back rich and more famous than me!
Kaz: I’m already more famous than you. Richer, too.
Nikolai: That’s impossible.
Zoya: Never thought I’d hear him say that...
Inej: Guys, stop arguing. Kaz, be nice. Nikolai, be less annoying. Zoya, be less sarcastic.
Nikolai: *gasps* I’m offended, Wraith. You think this handsome, talented man is annoying?
Nikolai: Your name isn’t Wraith.
Zoya: Get over it, Lantsov.
Kaz: Look, why are we here? We have much better things to do!
Inej: Well actually-
Kaz: Shut up, Inej
Zoya: Please remind me how they broke into the Ice Court
Nikolai: Luck. Lots and lots of luck.
Kaz: It wasn’t luck. It was flawless planning.
Inej: Well actually-
Kaz: Stop saying that
Inej: You did get me captured...
Nikolai: They’re so cute together. I ship this so hard
Zoya: Stop acting like a 17-year-old girl
Inej: I find this offensive
Zoya: That was the point
Nikolai: Honestly, Zoya, between you and Kaz, you could rob the whole world of any happiness whatsoever
Kaz: Honestly, Nikolai, between you and Jesper, you could annoy the whole world to death
Nikolai: Why does everyone think I’m annoying?!
Zoya: Because you are.
Nikolai: I may be annoying, BUT I ALSO HAVE A FLYING SHIP
Nikolai: DO YOU HAVE A FLYING SHIP?
Nikolai: I DON’T THINK SO
Kaz: You know what I do have?
Kaz: A girlfriend.
Zoya: ... are you saying I’m not his girlfriend?
Kaz: ... would you believe me if I said autocorrect changed my text?
Nikolai: No, probably not
Zoya: I took a screenshot of this and I’m going to send it to everyone
Inej: YES SHE HAS PROOF HAHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSS
Kaz: I’M NEVER GOING TO HEAR THE END OF THIS FROM JESPER, PLEASE DON’T-
Zoya (KazSucks2) has deleted the chat group.
Chapter 20: Screenshot
Requested by Beingthebait
Here’s part 2! Zoya, Nikolai, and the Crows.
Zoya (KazSucks2) has added Nikolai (HandsomePirate), Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge), Jesper (KazSucks), Wylan (VanSunshine), Nina (Waffles4ever), Matthias (WolfBoy13) and Inej (ItsyBitsySpider) to the chat.
Zoya (KazSucks2) sent a picture.
Jesper: Wow, Kaz
Kaz: I TOLD YOU NOT TO SEND IT
Zoya: Who says I have to listen to you?
Inej: ...that's not really how it works
Nina: YES! HE ADMITS IT!!
Kaz: It was a typo, shut up
Jesper: What, did you mean to say you have a boyfriend?
Kaz: I thought you were done with your 'oh Kaz is so handsome' phase
Wylan: Wait, that was a thing?
Nikolai: Is there a 'oh Nikolai is so handsome' phase?
Jesper: Kaz, Wylan, that was never a thing. Nikolai, maybe.
Kaz: Just like kissing Kuwei wasn’t a thing?
Jesper: You know about that?!
Kaz: Please, I was there
Matthias: How did Kaz manage to change this from a conversation about Kanej to a conversation about Kuwei and Jesper?
Inej: Let's talk about how I'm Kaz's girlfriend now
Kaz: Not you too...
Nina: You two are so cute together~
Kaz: Saints no you are not allowed to call me cute
Nikolai: Cute little tiny crow
Kaz: Shut up
Nikolai: So small, so adorable
Kaz: Oh my god no
Nikolai: The Kitten of the Barrel
Kaz: I am going to kill you
Nikolai: Tiny little kitten is making cute, adorable death threats
Kaz: ZOYA MAKE HIM STOP
Zoya: You deserve this.
Wylan: Finally someone other than me is being called cute
Jesper: Hey Sunshine
Wylan: Please no-
Jesper: How is the most beautiful boy in the world doing?
Nikolai: Quite well, you?
Jesper: Nikolai, stay out of this.
Kuwei (ImBack) has joined the chat.
Kuwei: I’m doing well, thank you
Jesper: Oh for Saints sake...
Kuwei (ImBack) has been kicked from the chat.
Kaz: Alright, can we just all forget this happened and move on?
Inej: Not a chance
Inej: Don’t give me that look
Inej: No no no no
Inej: Stop that
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has been kicked from the chat.
Chapter 21: “I don’t like waffles”
Part 3! Genya, David, Nikolai, Nina and Matthias. I may do one with Tolya and Tamar sometime, after I finish the other requests
Genya (QueenOfScars) has added Nikolai (HandsomePirate), David (π3.14159), Nina (Waffles4ever) and Matthias (WolfBoy13) to the chat.
Nina: I miss you!!
Genya: Me toooooo
Nikolai: Does anyone miss me?
Nina: Grow up, Lantsov
Nikolai: Why does no one like me?
David: Zoya likes you.
Nina: Why isn’t Zoya here?
Genya: She’s busy arguing with Dirtyhands.
Nikolai: I want a cool nickname too
Nina: How about asshole?
Nikolai: Alas, I was expecting something more...Nikolai-y
Matthias: That sounds pretty Nikolai-y to me
Nikolai: I feel like the whole world is turned against me
Nina: You haven’t been pulled into one of Brekker’s schemes. I think things are going pretty well for you so far
Genya: I can see Nikolai and Kaz teaming up, and basically either destroying the world or saving it
Nina: Kaz would probably kill Nikolai for being annoying
Nikolai: I swear if one more person calls me annoying-
Matthias: You’re annoying
Nikolai: And you’ve just been exiled from Ravka
Genya: I don’t think you can do that
David: Technically, it’s within his rights as king and sovereign to do just that. According to the Ravkan-
Nina: We don’t need a whole explanation, Kostyk
Nina: Have any of you had Kerch waffles?
Matthias: Far too many times, thanks to you
David: I don’t like waffles
Matthias: David! She’s not going to shut up now!
David: I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?
Nina: HE DOESN’T LIKE WAFFLES! HOW?! THIS IS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING EVER!!!
Nikolai: ...Alright then, she’s passionate about waffles
Nina: WAFFLES ARE DELICIOUS! KOSTYK, YOU’RE CRAZY!
Matthias: This may take a while...
Nina: THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN WAFFLES IS MATTHIAS! AND THAT’S A VERY CLOSE CONTEST THERE!
Nikolai: Can you make her shut up?
Matthias: I don’t think so, no.
Nikolai: Alright then.
Nina: WAFFLES ARE THE ONLY REASON I LIVE! THEY’RE AMAZING, AND YOU-
Nina (Waffles4ever) has been kicked from the chat.
Chapter 22: Embarrass Matthias Day!
The Crows have fun trying to embarrass Matthias.
Requested by Lynn_Forster
Sorry this took so long! I’ve been really busy lately :)
Thank you all for your support and kind words. It means so much to me ❤️
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Nina: Who knows what day it is?
Jesper: JESPER DAY!
Kaz: Please no...
Inej: It’s not Jesper day.
Nina: Any other guesses?
Wylan: Library day?
Jesper: WYLAN DAY!
Nina: No! It’s Embarrass Matthias Day!
Matthias: OH NO
Nina: Oh yes
Kaz: There better not be an ‘embarrass Kaz Brekker day’
Nina: Oh, there is. That’s tomorrow
Kaz: Well frick
Matthias: Please don’t do this to me, Nina
Nina: You did this to yourself when you ate the LAST WAFFLE!
Jesper: Actually, that was me.
Inej: Why would you say that...?
Nina: I’ll kill you after we embarrass Matthias
Kaz: Please do.
Nina: So the goal of the game is to make Matthias quit the chat. Understand?
Matthias: Not happening.
Nina: Here we go!
Inej: I feel like Nina is the only one with actual dirt on Tulip-Face
Kaz: aHeM wHaT aBoUt Me
Inej: You don't count
Nina: Sooooo Matttyyyyy
Matthias: Don’t do that
Nina: I luuuuuvvvvv youuuuuu
Matthias: Please stop.
Nina: You're soooo handsommeeeeee
Jesper: What about me?!
Nina: You're alright too
Matthias: I didn't even eat the waffle!!
Nina: But you didn't kiss me goodnight like you always do!!!
Matthias: Shut up
Nina: This is gonna be FUN
Matthias: Kaz help me
Kaz: Let me think about that.... no.
Jesper: Hey Mattyyyyy
Matthias: Oh my god no you’re not allowed to call me that-
Matthias: SHUT UPPPP
Matthias: NO NOT YOU TOO INEJ
Kaz: Hey Matty
Jesper (KazSucks) has changed Matthias (WolfBoy13)’s name to MATTY.
MATTY: I hate all of you
Nina: Even me?
Nina: I love you too
MATTY: I didn’t say-
Wylan (VanSunshine) has changed MATTY (WolfBoy13)’s name to Matty loves Nina.
Matty loves Nina: WYLAN!!!
Kaz: This is entertaining
Nina: You’re next, Kaz
Kaz: You have nothing on me. N-o-t-h-i-n-g
Matty loves Nina: How much longer is this day anyway?
Inej: 23 hours and 27 minutes, Tulip
Matty loves Nina: ...
Matty loves Nina (WolfBoy13) has rage-quit the chat.
Yes, there will be an Embarrass Kaz Brekker Day
Chapter 23: Embarrass Kaz Day!
The sequel to Embarrass Matthias Day! Title is pretty self-explanatory.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Thank you for all your support! I can’t believe how many people are reading this! Honestly, I thought it was garbage, just something to do in my free time. Again, thank you.
Nina: Finally, the day has arrived!
Kaz: What are you even talking about
Inej: Did you forget already, Kaz?
Jesper: IT’S EMBARRASS KAZ DAY!
Kaz: Wait what I thought you guys were joking about that
Matthias: This is payback.
Kaz: You wish. You guys have NOTHING on me.
Nina: Oh, or do we?
Wylan: Can we start?
Kaz: This should be boring
Jesper: Sooo Kazzzzyyyy
Kaz: Don’t call me that
Jesper: How are things going with Inej?
Inej: Ohhhhh, so that’s how this is gonna go
Kaz: I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jesper
Nina: Do you luvvvvv her?
Kaz: Ew no
Wylan: Matthias says he saw you guys kissing
Kaz: I’M GONNA KILL HIM
Matthias: Go ahead
Jesper: Anyway Kaz you said she was your girlfriend didn’t you?
Kaz: I did not say that
Inej: Well actually-
Kaz: Would you stop fricking saying that?
Nina: Are you cheating on her?
Kaz: We are not a fricking thing!
Wylan: Inej I think he’s cheating on you
Inej: This is hilarious. Sorry, Kaz
Kaz: Whatever. Can this game be over now?
Jesper: No way
Nina: We’re not done yet
Kaz: Well hurry up
Wylan: I saw Kaz write Inej’s name all over a piece of paper once
Kaz: MERCHLING I SAID IF YOU TOLD ANYONE-
Inej: Awww Kaz, are you standing up for me?
Kaz: No, beautiful, I’m standing up for myself
Nina: HE CALLED HER BEAUTIFUL!
Kaz: What?! No I didn’t!!
Inej: Well actually-
Kaz: I swear if you say that one more time...
Jesper: Face it Kaz you called her beautiful
Kaz: DID NOT
Jesper (KazSucks) has changed Inej (ItsyBitsySpider)’s name to *Beautiful*
*Beautiful*: Alrighty then
Wylan: Wait, I know!
Wylan (VanSunshine) has changed Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge)’s name to Kaz Ghafa
Kaz Ghafa: This is so wrong yet so right at the same time
Kaz Ghafa: Okay let’s go kill Wylan
Kaz Ghafa (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset name to Kaz.
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has changed *Beautiful* (ItsyBitsySpider)’s name to Inej.
Kaz: Much better
Matthias: Guys, this isn’t working very well. He’s not rage-quitting the chat like I did.
Kaz: That’s because I am emotionless
Nina: Inej, you should try to embarrass him
Inej: Hey Kaz?
Kaz: NO NO NO NO
Inej: I love you
Nina: OMG GUYS HE’S BLUSHING
Kaz: I AM NOT
Nina: YES YOU ARE!!!
Wylan: You totally are
Kaz: SHUT UP I DO NOT BLUSH
Kaz: I AM NOT A WYLAN
Jesper: You’re blushing, Kaz
Kaz: I’M NOT!!!
Kaz: HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP
Wylan: You don’t
Jesper: Covering your face isn’t helping you any 😂
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has emotionlessly quit the chat.
Jesper: How did he get it to say that...?
Wylan: He’s Kaz. He probably blackmailed the phone into lying for him
Inej: Okay let’s go bother him some more
Chapter 24: Grocery Shopping
Kaz goes grocery shopping for everyone
Requested by a_nonnie_mouse
Not sure if it’s exactly what you wanted, but I got inspired and this is what happened XD
Nina: Kaz can you go grocery shopping?
Kaz: Um no
Nina: Come on!
Jesper: We’re all too comfortable to get up
Wylan: And I want more Doritos
Kaz: You don’t need fricking Doritos, Wylan
Wylan: Yes I do
Matthias: Just go get Wylan his Doritos
Kaz: If I can go days without eating or sleeping, Wylan can go 5 minutes without Doritos
Inej: I want Doritos too
Kaz: Oh fine
Kaz: Okay I’m at the grocery store. What do you guys want anyway?
Nina: Get some Eggo’s!
Kaz: Do we really need Eggo’s?
Nina: OF COURSE WE DO
Kaz: What kind do you even want
Kaz: I can’t find the Eggo’s aisle
Matthias: There is no Eggo’s aisle, idiot
Kaz: There where are the flippin Eggo’s?
Kaz: Oh. Found them.
Kaz: Alright. Nina, what else do you want?
Nina: Get some maple syrup!
Kaz: Nina this thing is 15 kruge for a tiny bottle
Nina: BUY IT
Nina: COME ON KAZ JUST BUY IT
Kaz: I’m gonna be broke like Jesper
Inej: Nina, can you go without maple syrup for once?
Nina: Fine. But I want ice cream
Kaz: I’m not buying ice cream
Nina: Yes you are
Kaz: No I’m not
Inej: Kaz, get Nina some ice cream
Kaz: Maybe if she wanted to buy an actual meal...
Nina: I WANT ICE CREAM
Kaz: GO TO THE DAIRY BAR AND BUY SOME THEN
Nina: I’M BROKE
Kaz: OF COURSE YOU ARE! YOU WASTED ALL YOUR MONEY ON ICE CREAM!
Nina: Fair point
Kaz: 🙄 Wylan, Inej, what kind of Doritos do you guys want?
Wylan: Cool Ranch!
Inej: One, ew. Two, I want the nacho cheese ones
Kaz: I’m only buying one bag so make up your minds
Wylan: GET THE COOL RANCH ONES
Inej: DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, HE’S CRAZY
Wylan: I WANT MY COOL RANCH DORITOS
Inej: KAZ YOU LOVE ME GET THE NACHO CHEESE ONES
Kaz: Okay no Doritos for either of you
Kaz: Fine I’ll buy you your stupid Doritos, just stop that screeching
Kaz: Okay, can we actually buy some real food now?
Jesper: Get hotdogs
Kaz: Not really what I had in mind
Jesper: Get hotdogs anyway
Kaz: Why am I even here
Kaz: I could be happily counting my kruge
Kaz: But noooo, I have to go grocery shopping for a bunch of spoiled teenagers
Jesper: Still waiting on those hotdogs
Kaz: Still waiting for you to shut up
Jesper: hotdogs, hotdogs, hotdogs,
Inej: hotdogs! hotdogs! hotdogs!
Wylan: Hotdogs! Hotdogs! Hotdogs!
Nina: HOTDOGS! HOTDOGS! HOTDOGS!
Matthias: I prefer sausages
Kaz: I’M NOT GETTING FRICKING HOTDOGS, AND I’M NOT GETTING SAUSAGES
Jesper: Hotdogs... I’ll miss you...
Kaz: One package
Kaz: That’s it
Jesper: YESSSSS HOTDOGS!
Kaz: Any-saintsforsaken-thing else?
Kaz: Finally something sensible-
Matthias: The ones that are orange
Kaz: Those are oranges
Matthias: Yeah whatever buy some of those
Kaz: I swear I live with the biggest bunch of idiots on earth
Matthias: So about those oranges
Kaz: They’re in the cart, Helvar.
Kaz: Does anyone else want anything?
Jesper: Can you get juice
Jesper: Wow that was easy
Inej: Are you buying anything for yourself, Kaz?
Kaz: Let’s see... of course 90% of the stuff in here is for me and you guys don’t get any of it
Wylan: That’s not fair!
Kaz: Of course it is
Kaz: I’m on my way home anyway so ha
Inej: Did you even pay for any of it...?
Kaz: Of course not
-a while later-
Jesper: Kaz this ain’t juice this is a bottle of water
Kaz: No actually that’s poison
Jesper: WYLAN, KAZ IS TRYING TO KILL ME
Chapter 25: Update (But not a real chapter)
Here we go...
So I’m not going to be updating this too much for the next few weeks for a number of reasons.
1. I started working on a different fanfic (Christmas With the Crows) and it’ll be taking up a lot of my time
2. I’ve got lots of softball games and practices
3. My friend committed suicide. And I’m trying to deal with that.
Chapter 26: Directions
Everyone has issues getting to the waffle restaurant, and Kaz is either extremely lucky or extremely unlucky.
I did it
I actually finished something
Good for me
Sorry bout the wait
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Kaz: Where are you guys and why is it taking so long for you to get to the waffle restaurant?
Inej: Almost there
Jesper: ...we're lost
Nina: Me and Matthias are lost too
Inej: Oh frick
Kaz: What now??
Inej: Where even am I...
Kaz: You’re lost too??
Inej: Okay fine yes
Jesper: Kaz, can you give us directions?
Kaz: Don’t you have a GPS?
Wylan: It died
Nina: I don’t have one
Inej: Me neither
Kaz: Alright, fine. Let’s start with Jes and Wylan. Where are you guys??
Wylan: I think we’re near a school
Kaz: What school?
Wylan: I don’t know, I can’t read, idiot
Jesper: Lantsov Intermediate School
Kaz: Wait how did you even get there? That’s on the other side of town!
Wylan: Well Jesper got pulled over by the police for ‘hazardous driving’. Then they chased us for a solid half-hour.
Jesper: It was not hazardous! It was just a bit fast!!
Wylan: We almost died
Matthias: Remind me never to get in a car with Jesper
Kaz: Alright so... you’re on Aleksander Street?
Jesper: Which one is that?
Kaz: Let’s say you’e on flippin Aleksander Street
Wylan: The sign says Almond Sauce Steer
Jesper: Wylan, no
Wylan: Can you even steer almond sauce?
Jesper: Okay, whatever, we’re going onto Aleksander Street
Kaz: Now keep going until you reach Crow Avenue
Jesper: But which way do I turn?
Jesper: Which side is left??
Kaz: THE LEFT SIDE
Jesper: NOT HELPFUL
Kaz: DO THE FLIPPIN THING WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE YOU MAKE THE LETTER L
Jesper: THEY BOTH MAKE AN L
Kaz: ONE IS BACKWARDS, ISN’T IT?
Kaz: DON’T TURN THAT WAY
Jesper: You could have just said that-
Wylan: Jesper just ran into a stop sign
Wylan: Someone come save me before he kills us both
Inej: Jesper, stop driving like you’re drunk
Jesper: I very well might be
Inej: Kaz, get Wylan out of there
Kaz: I can see them from where I’m standing. They’re fine.
Jesper: Oh frick
Jesper: Ohhhhh frick
Nina: What’s wrong?
Jesper: I almost ran over Kaz
Kaz: You’re lucky I have impeccable reflexes
Kaz: Okay time for you to die
Wylan: HELP, KAZ IS STARING THROUGH THE WINDOW AND IT’S CREEPY
Inej: Kaz stop being scary
Matthias: Oh wow that is creepy
Nina: ...oh no
Inej: Wait what
Nina: Matthias almost ran Kaz over too
Nina: He’s now staring at us
Kaz: I am going to cut all of your fingers off
Kaz: Except for Inej’s because she’s better than you guys
Inej: Yay me :D
Jesper: I think that’s biased-
Inej: OH MY GOD KAZ I’M SO SORRY
Inej: FRICK KAZ ARE YOU OKAY?
Jesper: Hahaha Inej almost ran over Kaz too
Kaz: I am going to murder all of you
Chapter 27: Road Trip
In which Kaz falls asleep on Inej and everyone wants waffles
Saints, it’s been ages since I updated this...
But here you go :D
Jesper: ROAD TRIP!!!
Kaz: Okay so who’s going with who? Because we’ve got two cars and six of us.
Nina: Well we’re not letting Jesper drive, because he drives like he’s trying to get us killed
Inej: And there’s no way Kaz is driving.
Kaz: Why not?
Inej: Because you also drive like you’re trying to get us all killed!
Kaz: I do not
Wylan: Yes you do.
Jesper: And Inej is too short to see over the steering wheel
Inej: That’s not true-
Jesper: Then go sit in the car and prove it.
Inej: I’m good
Nina: And Wylan looks too young to drive, plus he can’t read the street signs.
Nina: It’s true! You look like you’re thirteen!
Matthias: Well I think Nina and I should drive then.
Kaz: Fine. I’m going with Nina though
Jesper: SHOTGUN FOR NINA’S CAR!
Wylan: I want to go with Jesper and Nina too
Inej: Sorry, Matthias.
Inej: I’m taking the middle seat of Nina’s car!
Matthias: Fine. I’ll drive alone.
Matthias: I don’t need you guys
Nina: Awwww sorry, Matty
Matthias: Don’t call me that
Kaz: Wait wait wait
Kaz: I have to sit in the back
Kaz: With other people
Kaz: Next to me?!
Jesper: More specifically, with Inej next to you
Kaz: Fair enough, let’s go.
Nina: Yay! Road trip!
Inej: At least we put the three smallest people in the back so there’s more room
Wylan: You just insulted everyone in the car
Inej: Also going with Nina is way more fun than going with Matthias just saying
Jesper: Yes this is true
Jesper: I doubt I’d fit in the back, anyway. I’d have to like bend down or something
Inej: Yes, yes, you’re very tall and I’m short, but guess who brought a knife with them? I could cut off a part of your legs so you can see how it feels
Wylan: I did not need to know that-
Inej: Seriously why aren’t we just talking anyway? We’re all right next to each other
Jesper: Well Kaz’s phone died so he can’t see our texts
Wylan: Why did we stop?
Jesper: Nina is getting waffles
Wylan: Is she getting us waffles?
Inej: She’s taking forever
Jesper: Did she seriously get Matthias waffles but not Jesper waffles?
Wylan: The way you said that sounds like there are waffles shaped like you and Matthias
Inej: XD yeah
Jesper: There should be waffles shaped like me.
Inej: Wylan DON’T YOU DARE
Wylan: Kaz fell asleep on Inej!!!
Inej: NO NOT REALLY
Jesper: He looks actually somewhat happy when he sleeps
Jesper: It’s kind of creepy
Inej: Shut up!
Inej: I still have that knife
Wylan: You can’t use it with Kaz asleep on your lap
Jesper: Man, I bet Matthias’ phone is going crazy
Inej: I’m going to kill you-
Matthias: What is going on? I’m at the campsite and you guys aren’t there!
Jesper: Scroll through the texts, Matthias
Wylan: Also we’re not there yet because Nina drives slow
Inej: And she stopped for waffles
Matthias: So is Kaz actually laying on Inej
Wylan: SHE MEANS YES
Matthias: Treasure this moment
Matthias: Because Kaz sure as hell isn’t gonna let it happen again
Inej: Shut up
Matthias: And I have one more question
Matthias: Where are the Matthias-shaped waffles?
-3 days later-
Kaz: F*ck you all.
Chapter 28: 3 AM Confusion
In which Jesper gets Inej drunk and Kaz finds out
“No, you has FRECKLE!”
Ayyyy I got another chapter out
Good for me
Jesper: No no no you’re supposed to be ASLEEP-
Inej: BUT KAZ IS GONE AND I’M LONELYYYYYY!!! I MISSS HIMMMMMM
Nina: What the heck-
Jesper: NOTHING’S WRONG EVERYTHING IS FINE GO BACK TO BED
Kaz: Jesper. What did you do.
Jesper: I did nothing I swear!
Inej: KAAAAAAAAZZZZZ WHY IS YOUR HAIR SO WEIRD
Kaz: WHAT DID YOU DO TO INEJ
Nina: Oh boy Jesper you’re in trouble
Inej: JeSpEr Is In TrOuBlE! KaZ iS gOiNg To KiLl HiM
Jesper: Not helping, Wraith...
Kaz: Explain. Now.
Jesper: So I may or may not have accidentally but sorta on purpose tricked Inej into getting drunk because I thought it would be funny
Matthias: Kaz is going to kill you.
Kaz: You’re lucky I’m on the other side of Ketterdam right now
Kaz: When I get back, you’ll be sorry
Jesper: Oh no.
Wylan: Hey Inej, do you like Kaz?
Kaz: MERCHLING, NO-
Inej: Yeeeeeeessss Kaz is soooooooo handsoomeeeeeee
Jesper: What about Jesper?
Inej: He’s not as great as Kazzzzzzzzz
Matthias: You guys do realize you’re only digging yourselves deeper into your grave?
Matthias: Kaz isn’t going to blame Inej for this.
Matthias: He’s gonna blame all of you.
Matthias: Mostly Jesper and Nina.
Nina: We’re all gonna die anyway, Matthias
Jesper: Might as well enjoy it
Inej: EVERYONE IS GONNA DIEEEEE
Inej: AND KAZ IS GONNA BE SAAAADDDDD
Inej: HE LOVES YOU GUYSSSSS
Inej: BUT NOT AS MUCH AS HE LOVES ME SO TAKE THAT
Kaz: SHE’S LYING ABOUT ALL OF THAT
Matthias: I don’t want him to love me
Matthias: I have this picture in my head of him hugging me and it’s very wrong
Matthias: I can never erase that
Matthias: Please help-
Kaz: Oh my god no
Nina: I would pay to see that
Kaz: ....how much would you pay
Inej: KAZ LOVES HIS MONEY TOOOOO
Nina: Ah I probably don’t have enough for him to do it
Jesper: I’d help but I’m in debt
Wylan: And I don’t want to be the reason Matthias gets hugged because he’d probably throw me off a glacier
Matthias: Thank the saints
Inej: Awwww MATTHIAS LOVES HUGS, DON’T YOU, MATTHIAS?
Matthias: NO, I DON’T.
Jesper: HEY INEJ, WHAT DO KAZ’S HANDS FEEL LIKE?
Inej: THEY’RE REALLY SOFT
Inej: AND WARM
Inej: AND ONE OF HIS FINGERS HAS ONE TINY LITTLE FRECKLE ON IT
Kaz: THAT’S NOT TRUE
Kaz: I DON’T HAVE FRECKLES
Inej: No you has FRECKLE
Inej: ON YOUR FINGER
Jesper: Omg I wanna see that
Kaz: I’m sure you’ll get a great view when I strangle you
Wylan: Please don’t
Nina: We need Jesper for fun like this
Kaz: I’m going back to bed...
2 hours later-
Inej: Mr. Brekker
Inej: KAZ THE FRECKLE
Inej: ANSWER MEEEEE
Inej: KAZ GHAFA ANSWER ME
Inej: KAZ GHAFA-BREKKER-RIETVELD
Inej: KAZ FAHEY
Kaz (ThiryMillionKruge) has deleted the chat group.
Chapter 29: Colm Has Arrived
In which Colm joins the chat and becomes very confused.
Look at me getting multiple chapters out in a week.
Yes I know I should be working on my other fix but I’m lazy and this requires a lot less effort sooooo
Jesper: Okay guys, so my dad wants to be able to text us
Jesper: But he doesn’t know how to use a phone real well
Jesper: So we’re gonna have to help him out, okay?
Inej: Kaz means yes. Of course we’ll help.
Matthias: He’s going to think you’re all crazy
Nina: Matthias, you’re one of us
Nina: He’s going to think you’re crazy too
Matthias: But I’m the only sensible one here
Inej: Excuse me
Wylan: You no longer qualify as sensible after last night, Inej
Kaz: We agreed never to speak of that again
Matthias: Are we also going to ignore the fact that you told Jesper it was an honest mistake and that you overreacted
Kaz: That was sarcasm
Jesper: Yeah, he punched me at least twice afterwards.
Jesper: Alright, I’m going to get Da on here
Colm (SaveTheFarm) has been blocked from joining the chat.
Kaz: I’m the supervisor for all of your accounts, as well as this chat room.
Kaz: I choose who comes in and who stays out
Nina: So THAT’S why my username was changed to “NinaTheAnnoying” when I woke up
Nina: Phew, I thought it was a ghost or something
Jesper: What’s the password?
Kaz: Not telling you
Jesper: It didn’t work
Kaz: That’s not the actual password you idiot-
Inej: The password is CntWait4U2Di
Colm (SaveTheFarm) has joined the chat.
Kaz: Uuuuuuugh thanks a lot Inej
Nina: Hello, Jesper’s dad!
Colm: Hello, Nina.
Jesper: So Da, you remember how to check your texts?
Colm: You can do that?
Wylan: Wow, he really is bad at this
Jesper: WYLAN VAN SUNSHINE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH
Colm: Be nice to your boyfriend, Jesper. You wouldn’t want him to dump you.
Kaz: O. O. O. O. O.
Inej: Kaz no, we had this discussion already
Matthias: It hasn’t even been five minuets and Colm probably thinks you’re all insane
Wylan: I can play five minuets if you want
Matthias: I meant MINUTES-
Colm: So I just click on the text bubble, and I can see what everyone is saying to me?
Nina: Pretty much, yep.
Colm: But what happens if it’s dark outside? How will I see the texts?
Kaz: Oh for all the f*cking saints sake...
Jesper: NO SWEARING AROUND DA
Kaz: Try and stop me
Wylan: You’ve lost your swearing privileges.
Nina: But wait, I thought Kaz controlled everything
Wylan: Kuwei taught me how to hack
Kaz: I don’t know where that insane Shu boy learned to hack so well-
Colm: Excuse me, but what’s going on?
Colm: You people type so quickly, it’s hard to keep up
Matthias: Welcome to having large fingers
Inej: Sucks to be you
Jesper: Matthias NO, Da does not have large fingers!!!
Kaz: Then he’s just old
Kaz: He has wrinkles. He’s old.
Jesper: YOU HAVE WRINKLES TOO
Jesper: FROM SCOWLING SO MUCH
Kaz: I DO NOT-
Colm: What are they arguing about?
Matthias: Welcome to my life.
Nina: :O WE SHOULD BUY COLM SOME WAFFLES
Jesper: Guys, no
Jesper: Waffle nights always end badly
Inej: Haha Kaz is now trying to find a mirror to check if he actually has wrinkles
Nina: Does he?
Inej: Of course not, but it’s fun to make him paranoid
Colm: I am so lost
Matthias: Just ignore them.
Matthias: It makes everything much, much easier.
Kaz: Goodbye, Idiotic Waffle
Kaz: Goodbye, naïve merchling idiot
Kaz: Goodbye, drüskelle idiot
Kaz: Goodbye, Llewellyn the idiot
Kaz: Goodbye, Inej
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has left the chat.
Jesper: Anyone else think that seemed a bit biased
Chapter 30: Texting Karaoke
Literally karaoke but Kaz and Matthias hate it
Someone may or may not get shot.
I don’t know what this is-
I got inspired and this is the result 😂
The songs in order, just for reference:
The Duck Song
You’ll Be Back
Into the Unknown
The Ten Duel Commandments
Nina: Who knows what it’s time for?!
Jesper: :O is it finally time?
Kaz: NO I WON’T LET YOU GUYS DO IT
Nina: Jes? Inej?
Wylan: What’s going on...?
Matthias: Oh no
Matthias: It’s texting karaoke night
Nina: TEXTING KARAOKE NIGHT!!!
Wylan: That sounds fun
Jesper: It’s AWESOME
Kaz: IT’S HORRIBLE
Nina: Who’s gonna start?
Inej: We have to start this like we always do. Jesper?
Jesper: Yes I shall do the honours
Jesper: 🎶Well a duck walked up to a lemonade stand🎶
Matthias: WHAT KIND OF DUCK WANTS LEMONADE
Nina: 🎶And he said to the man runnin’ the stand🎶
Inej: 🎶Hey! Got any grapes?🎶
Kaz: WHAT KIND OF DUCK WANTS GRAPES?!
Jesper: 🎶And the man said “No, we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold, and it’s fresh, and it’s all homemade. Can I get you a glass?”🎶
Wylan: 🎶The duck said, “I’ll pass.”🎶
Inej: Yeah Wylan!
Matthias: NOOOO WHY, WYLAN?
Kaz: The merchling has betrayed us.
Nina: 🎶Then he waddled away, waddle waddle. Then he waddled away, waddle waddle waddle🎶
Kaz: Stupidest song ever
Inej: 🎶Then he waddled away, waddle waddle. Till the very next day🎶
Matthias: Thank Djel it’s over
Jesper: 🎶You sayyyyyyyyyyy🎶
Kaz: NO NOT HAMILTON
Matthias: UGH NO
Wylan: 🎶The price of my love’s not a price that you’re willing to paaaayyyyyy🎶
Nina: 🎶You cryyyyyy🎶
Inej: 🎶In your tea which you hurl by the sea as you see me go byyyyyy🎶
Jesper: 🎶Why so saaaaaad?🎶
Matthias: Maybe because you’re singing this song
Kaz: It is kinda catchy...
Wylan: 🎶Remember we made an arrangement when you went awayyyyyy🎶
Nina: 🎶Now you’re making me maaaaaaaaad🎶
Matthias: You’re making me mad
Inej: 🎶Remember, despite our estrangement, I’m your man🎶
Jesper: 🎶YOU’LL BE BACK🎶
Wylan: 🎶SOON YOU’LL SEE🎶
Nina: 🎶YOU’LL REMEMBER YOU BELONG TO MEEEEE🎶
Kaz: Oh no...
Inej: 🎶YOU’LL BE BACK🎶
Jesper: 🎶TIME WILL TELL🎶
Wylan: 🎶YOU’LL REMEMBER THAT I SERVED YOU WELL🎶
Nina: 🎶OCEANS RIIIIIIIIISE🎶
Inej: 🎶EMPIRES FAAAAAAALLLLL🎶
Jesper: 🎶WE HAVE SEEN EACH OTHER THROUGH IT ALL🎶
Wylan: 🎶And when push comes to shove🎶
Kaz: 🎶I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love🎶
Inej: WHOOO KAZ!
Kaz: Did I sing?
Nina: YESSSS HAHA
Matthias: Is it over?
Jesper: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Wylan: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Nina: 🎶I can hear you, but I won’t🎶
Inej: 🎶Some look for trouble, while others don’t🎶
Kaz: NO ANYTHING BUT FROZEN
Nina: 🎶There’s a thousand reasons I should go about my day🎶
Inej: 🎶And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away🎶
Jesper: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Kaz: Shut up, shut up
Wylan: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Inej: 🎶You’re not a voice, you’re just a ringing in my ear🎶
Nina: 🎶And if I heard you—which I don’t—I’m spoken for, I fear🎶
Inej: 🎶Everyone I’ve ever loved is here within these walls🎶
Matthias: You think we can stop them before they get to the chorus?
Nina: 🎶I’m sorry secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls🎶
Kaz: I’m trying to block out your singing
Kaz: It’s not working
Inej: 🎶I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new🎶
Nina: 🎶I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow youuuuu🎶
Inej: 🎶INTO THE UNKNOOOOOOOOOWN🎶
Matthias: Uuuuuuuugh hate this song
Jesper: 🎶INTO THE UNKNOOO-OOOOWN🎶
Wylan: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Nina: 🎶INTO THE UNKNOOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OWN🎶
Inej: 🎶Ah-ah, ah-ah🎶
Jesper: Woo! That was fun
Wylan: Nice Ooooo-ing, Nina
Nina: Thank you :)
Inej: It’s not over yet :D
Nina: Let’s do more Hamilton
Jesper: You might like this one, Kaz. It’s about duels
Kaz: But I’m not singing
Inej: 🎶It’s the Ten Duel Commandments🎶
Kaz: This sounds interesting
Matthias: No it doesn’t
Jesper: 🎶NUMBER ONE🎶
Wylan: 🎶The challenge, demand satisfaction🎶
Nina: 🎶If they apologize, no need for further action🎶
Kaz: If they apologize, kill them anyway
Inej: 🎶NUMBER TWO🎶
Jesper: 🎶If they don’t, grab a friend, that’s your second🎶
Wylan: 🎶Your lieutenant when there's reckoning to be reckoned🎶
Kaz: Bold of you to assume I have friends
Mathias: You just insulted all four of them
Kaz: I know.
Nina: 🎶NUMBER THREE🎶
Inej: 🎶Have your seconds meet face to face🎶
Jesper: 🎶Negotiate a peace, or negotiate a time and place🎶
Wylan: 🎶This is commonplace, 'specially 'tween recruits🎶
Nina: 🎶Most disputes die and no one shoots🎶
Kaz: Matthias, 5 minutes from now
Wylan: 🎶NUMBER FOUR🎶
Nina: 🎶If they don't reach a peace, that's alright🎶
Inej: 🎶Time to get some pistols and a doctor on sight🎶
Jesper: 🎶You pay him in advance, you treat him with civility🎶
Wylan: 🎶You have him turn around so he can have deniability🎶
Kaz: Okay, we’ve got Nina, Jesper has pistols
Kaz: Jesper give me your guns
Kaz: Nina here’s 5$, turn around
Matthias: Kaz what are you doing-
Matthias: Someone help me-
Wylan: 🎶Duel before the sun is in the sky🎶
Nina: 🎶Pick a place to die where it’s high and dry🎶
Kaz: Eh we can skip that one. Here looks good.
Matthias: KAZ WHAT ARE YOU DOING-
Inej: 🎶NUMBER SIX🎶
Jesper: 🎶Leave a note for your next of kin🎶
Wylan: 🎶Tell them where you been, pray that hell or heaven lets you in🎶
Kaz: Dear Inej, I’m dead. Matthias shot me. Have a nice day. -Kaz
Inej: 🎶Confess your sins🎶
Jesper: 🎶Ready for the moment of adrenaline when you finally face your opponent🎶
Kaz: Let’s skip that, my list is too long
Matthias: HELP ME
-in separate chat-
Kaz: Just play along
Kaz: We can maybe get them to stop if they think I’ve shot you
Matthias: This can’t end well
Kaz: Of course it can
Matthias: Promise you won’t actually shoot me?
Kaz: Have you no faith in me?
Matthias: Answer me.
Kaz: Neither gun is loaded. You’re going to be fine. Just fake being shot.
Matthias: Why do I listen to you...
Wylan: 🎶NUMBER EIGHT🎶
Nina: 🎶Your last chance to negotiate🎶
Jesper: 🎶Send in your seconds🎶
Inej: 🎶See if they can set the record straight🎶
Jesper: 🎶Aaron Burr, sir🎶
Wylan: 🎶Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?🎶
Jesper: 🎶Sure. But your man has to answer for his words, BURR🎶
Wylan: 🎶With his life? We both know that’s absurd, sir🎶
Jesper: 🎶Hang on, how many men died because Lee was inexperienced and ruinous?🎶
Wylan: 🎶Oh, okay, SO WE’RE DOIN THIS🎶
Kaz: 🎶This, this is hilarious🎶
Inej: Kaz no
Inej: 🎶NUMBER NINE🎶
Nina: 🎶Look 'em in the eye, aim no higher🎶
Jesper: 🎶Summon all the courage you require🎶
Wylan: 🎶Then count🎶
Inej: OMG KAZ
Nina: KAZ NO NO NO WHAT DID YOU DO
Wylan: KAZ YOU SHOT MATTHIAS
Kaz: Isn’t that the point of this...?
Inej: No! Not oops! YOU IDIOT-
Matthias: Did it work?
Kaz: I don’t see or hear singing
Nina: Really, guys?
Inej: We were worried!
Kaz: That was fun
Kaz: Time to leave before we get ripped at by Inej
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has left the chat.
Matthias (WolfBoy13) has left the chat.
Chapter 31: “Suppose I died.”
In this chapter, you will have...
-Kaz theoretically dying
-Inej and Wylan arguing
-Kuwei is back to say one thing
-And flaming toast
Look at me
I did it
I know I should update my other fic but I’m such a lazy person that I’m not going to
Plus school started so I’m there for most of the day
Anyway hope you guys like it
Kaz: I’ve got a question for you guys
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Wylan: That’s not a question
Kaz: I’m not done yet
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Nina: Yeah you said that already
Kaz: I’M TYPING, BE PATIENT
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Jesper: Are you going somewhere with this or...
Kaz: YES SO SHUT UP
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Inej: Seriously Kaz, you don’t have to keep repeating the ‘suppose I died’ part every flippin’ time
Kaz: So I’m dead
Wylan: WAIT YOU’RE A GHOST??
Wylan: That explains so much...
Kaz: No, Wylan, I wasn’t serious, this is theoretical.
Jesper: I don’t know, Kaz, you look pretty dead to me
Kaz: SO I’M THEORETICALLY DEAD
Inej: Okay, and?
Kaz: Aren’t you sad?
Matthias: Thank Djel it’s over
Inej: Not really
Wylan: Please don’t make me answer this
Wylan: I’m afraid Kaz will kill me if I tell him
Wylan: But at the same time, I’m also afraid he’ll kill me if I lie to him
Wylan: I’m sorry
Wylan: GUYS LET’S HAVE A PARTY! WE CAN FINALLY STOP ALMOST DYING ALL THE TIME BECAUSE OF KAZ’S USELESS PLANS
Kaz: Fine, so I’m dead.
Jesper: Yeah, we know
Inej: He’s doing it again
Kaz: Doing what?!
Inej: You try to make a point, but then you forget what your point is and you just kind of keep repeating the same thing
Kaz: I HAVE A POINT HERE
Inej: and here we go again
Kaz: ...Suppose I’m dead.
Jesper (KazSucks) has changed Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge)’s name to Pointless
Pointless: What the-
Nina: Nice one, Jes
Pointless: Wait I have one more thing to ask
Inej: Okay but you better actually ask it
Pointless (ThirtyMillionKruge) added Kuwei (ImBack) to the chat.
Pointless (ThirtyMillionKruge) has reset name to Kaz.
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Inej: ...really kaz?
Kaz: SHUT UP WRAITH
Kaz: Suppose I died.
Kuwei: I would take the time to respectfully mourn you
Kaz: EVERYONE, KUWEI IS MY NEW FAVOURITE
Kaz: What is happening-
Wylan (VanSunshine) has changed name to Kaz’s Favourite
Kaz’s Favourite: HA
Matthias: I’m scared
Inej (ItsyBitsySpider) has changed name to Kaz’s Kruge
Kaz’s Kruge: Try and beat that, WYLAN
Kaz’s Favourite: 😒
Kaz’s Favourite (Van Sunshine) has changed name to Inej Ghafa
Inej Ghafa: Hahaha
Kaz’s Kruge: IMPOSTER
Kaz: What the-
Kaz: What the ****
Kaz: Stupid chat restrictions
Jesper: This is hilarious
Nina: This is true though 😂
Kaz’s Kruge (ItsyBitsySpider) has changed Inej Ghafa (VanSunshine)’s name to Wylan van NotKaz’sFavouritE SO STOP LYIN TO YOURSELF.
Kaz’s Kruge (ItsyBitsySpider) has changed name to Inej Flippin BREKKER SO HA TAKE THAT WYLAn BECAUSE NOTHING CAN EBAY ME.
Inej Flippin BREKKER SO HA TAKE THAT WYLAn BECAUSE NOTHING CAN EBAY ME: Ha
Inej Flippin BREKKER SO HA TAKE THAT WYLAn BECAUSE NOTHING CAN EBAY ME: Oh **** there’s a typo
Inej Flippin BREKKER SO HA TAKE THAT WYLAn BECAUSE NOTHING CAN EBAY ME: Seriously, how does ‘beat’ correct to ‘ebay’?
Wylan van NotKaz’sFavouritE SO STOP LYIN TO YOURSELF: I am offended by this name
Kaz: I have lost track of what is happening
Jesper: Better if you don’t know
Matthias: I am going to stop this before someone gets hurt
Matthias (WolfBoy13) has kicked Inej Flippin BREKKER SO HA TAKE THAT WYLAn BECAUSE NOTHING CAN EBAY ME (ItsyBitsySpider) from the chat.
Matthias (WolfBoy13) has reset Wylan van NotKaz’sFavouritE SO STOP LYIN TO YOURSELF (VanSunshine) to Wylan.
Kaz: ...I’m scrolling up and reading this confusing argument
Kaz: Wait why did Wylan change his name to Inej
Wylan: Because you love Inej more than anything else
Kaz: I’m trying to come up with an argument here
Jesper: We’re waiting
Jesper (KazSucks) has added Inej (ItsyBitsySpider) to the chat.
Kaz: Suppose Inej is dead.
Nina: Kaz no you can’t just say ‘Inej is dead so I can’t love her’
Nina: It doesn’t work like that
Kaz: YES IT DOES
Kaz: So ha
Wylan: No it doesn’t
Kaz: YES IT DOES NOW I’M KICKING ALL OF YOU SO I GET THE LAST WORD
Wylan: Last word
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has kicked Jesper (KazSucks), Kuwei (ImBack), Nina (Waffles4ever), Matthias (WolfBoy13) and Wylan (VanSunshine) from the chat.
Kaz: I can fix this
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has added Wylan (VanSunshine) to the chat.
Kaz: Last word.
Kaz (ThirtyMillionKruge) has kicked Wylan (VanSunshine) from the chat.
Kaz: I am amazing.
Kaz: Too bad no one is here to witness how amazing I am
Kaz: I’m talking to myself, aren’t I?
Kaz: I feel like I’m forgetting something
Kaz: Like I have something important to do
Kaz: Nina is screaming that the toaster is on fire
Kaz: I probably should go get my toast
Kaz: Now she’s screaming my name
Kaz: Like it’s my fault I like my toast extra crispy
Kaz: She says she threw out the toaster because I broke it
Kaz: They shouldn’t have a setting to cook it that long if it’s not meant to be used
Kaz: I’m surprised it didn’t set the smoke alarm off
Kaz: Probably because Jesper broke the smoke alarms
Inej: You gonna keep talking or...
Kaz: Wait how long have you been here-
Kaz: How much of that did you hear—
Inej: Basically the whole thing.
Inej: Here’s your toast.
Kaz: HEY GET BACK HERE—
Kaz: YOU CAN’T JUST THROW TOAST AND MY FACE THEN LEAVE-
Chapter 32: “Omg she looks dead”
I’m doing summaries like this now...
This chapter will include...
-Inej getting sick
-Jesper owing Kaz a shitload of money
-Kaz raging at the chat filters
-And Matthias celebrating because he doesn’t have to be stuck with a bunch of idiots for 2 weeks
Wowww I did it
This started out as Inej breaking her wrist and turned into this
Part two will be just random slices of the two weeks that the 4 are stuck together
Also if any of you guys wanna contact me (reliably) just to chat or whatever, you can message me on Quotev @LaniHaluki
Yep that’s that
Have a nice day or whatever
-Also just checked my email that I used for this and holy frick you guys and your kudos I have like over 100 notifs-
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jesper: I’m bored. Who wants to go find something fun to do?
Matthias: Your idea of fun is usually chaotic and reckless.
Wylan: Also, bad things happen when you complain about being bored.
Kaz: I’m bored.
Nina: I’m bored too.
Jesper: Where’s Inej, anyway?
Kaz: She said she was going to your place
Jesper: She’s not here
Wylan: Honestly she probably is here and is just hiding in the shadows or something
Nina: Sounds accurate
Jesper: ...or maybe she’s laying on the floor in the hallway
Matthias: A bit specific there but okay
Jesper: No I think she actually collapsed in the middle of the hallway
Wylan: Omg she looks dead—
Wylan: Never mind she’s breathing
Kaz: Is she hurt?
Jesper: Don’t think so
Kaz: She’s breathing?
Wylan: Yes, I said that already
Kaz: Nina call a **** medik
Nina: Okay but what are you gonna do?
Kaz: Go make sure Jesper doesn’t **** kill her
Kaz: **** Wylan, why does it block ****
Kaz: W t f Wylan, why does it block f r i c k i n g
Wylan: Because I said so
Wylan: Oh no I forgot that one
Kaz: Wait don’t—
Kaz: **** it
Kaz: **** CHAT FILTERS
Kaz: WYLAN NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STOP ME FROM SAYING S T U P I D
Wylan: Yes I am, stupid-face
Kaz: NO FAIR, HOW COME YOU CAN SAY IT?
Wylan: I’m special.
Kaz: I’m calling Kuwei so he can come fix this—
Nina: Shouldn’t we be focusing on Inej?
Jesper: I put her on the couch.
Jesper: Oh s-
Jesper: I think she’s sick
Jesper: She’s got a fever
Kaz: That’s it, I’m coming over there so you don’t accidentally kill her
Nina: Awwww Kaz is worried about Inej
Kaz: I need her to spy
Kaz: If she’s sick, she can’t spy
Kaz: It’s completely logical and in no way related to the fact that she’s possibly my friend
Matthias: Keep telling yourself that..
Matthias: So what’s wrong with her?
Wylan: She has COVID-19 (BECAUSE I’M TOO LAZY TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER HERE-)
Wylan: She’ll feel sucky for a few days then hopefully get better
Nina: No way that sucks
Nina: At least she’ll be okay
Jesper: Me, Wylan, and Kaz probably all have it too now because we touched her and Kaz did saints-know-what while they were alone
Nina: Haha so you all have to stay together for 2 weeks
Nina: Have fun
Kaz: WAIT WHAT
Kaz: NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT-
Wylan: Weren’t you listening to the medik?
Wylan: No leaving the house for 2 weeks. They’re going to drop off food and stuff
Kaz: I have to stay here
Kaz: With Jesper.
Kaz: For two weeks.
Nina: That’s karma for eating my WAFFLES
Matthias: *sigh* So glad I stayed here with Nina
Jesper: I can’t even tell if that’s sarcasm or not
Matthias: I don’t know either.
Wylan: Wait we’re gonna get sick after Inej, aren’t we?
Wylan: DANG IT I HATE BEING SICK
Kaz: I don’t get sick
Kaz: My body refuses to become sick in the first place. It just kills the germs before they have a chance to react, then it takes their money
Jesper: Please tell me that’s a metaphor
Kaz: Nope that’s actually what happens because I’m just that skilled
Wylan: What does germ money look like?
Kaz: Jesper’s money
Nina: Wait why-
Kaz: It’s Jesper’s money
Wylan: I thought Jes was broke
Kaz: He is
Kaz: Because I took all his money
Jesper: WAIT WHAT YOU THIEF—
Kaz: Now you only owe me 4,865 kruge and 23 cents
Matthias: That’s specific
Jesper: Oh look, there’s a nickel in the couch
Kaz: Thank you.
Jesper: HEY THAT’S MINE
Kaz: 4,865 kruge and 18 cents.
Inej: Someone please explain to me why my lock screen has been changed to “Congrajulations! You’re sick! Have fun doing nothing for a long, long time. KAZ AND INEJ SITTIN IN A TREE NO ONE IS BETTER THAN JESPER (ME)”
Wylan: You’re awake!
Inej: Yes and also very confused, someone explain.
Matthias: You collapsed in the middle of the hallway at Jesper’s place and we called a medik who told us you were sick with COVID-19 and now you’re stuck with Kaz, Jesper, and Wylan for two weeks because y’all have to self-isolate while me and Nina spend all your money on waffles and snow cones
Inej: ...okay then
Kaz: This is going to be a long two weeks...
Chapter 33: Week 1 of Quarantine
In this chapter, you get:
-More begging for Doritos
-Jesper’s attempts to speak French
-Happy birthday! Have a dead Wylan
-Inej isn’t the only one who gets sick
-Kaz mutters in his sleep
Decided to split the two weeks in half because otherwise it would be wayyyy too long
So here’s week one!
Kaz: How much longer do I have to stay here with you idiots??
Wylan: It’s only been a day, Kaz
Wylan: Also why are you texting us in the middle of the night?
Kaz: Because I don’t sleep.
Inej: Mhm sure Kaz
Inej: You think that makes you cool but really it just makes you look tired
Kaz: Shut up
Jesper: I’m boreddddddddd
Inej: What are Nina and Matthias doing?
Jesper: Idk probably something more exciting than this
Kaz: Jesper, I bet you 5 kruge that this is more exciting than what Nina and Matthias are doing
Kaz: You owe me 5 kruge now.
Jesper: What?! How?!
Kaz: Nina and Matthias are asleep.
Kaz: It’s the middle of the night
Kaz: I’m pretty sure I can hear Nina snoring from across the city
Jesper: No fair! You knew they were asleep!
Wylan: You know that Kaz would never suggest a bet unless he was going to win, Jesper
Jesper: Fine, but It’s still unfair...
Kaz: Technically, you owe me 4,870 kruge and 18 cents now
Kaz: Not that I’m counting or anything
Jesper: KAZ BREKKAH
Jesper: Haha that’s fun to say
Jesper: Or type
Jesper: Kaz Brekkah where are yah
Jesper: You better not have broken quarantine
Kaz: Shut up, I’m in Inej’s room, and you’re giving us both headaches
Kaz: I’m not even the sick one
Nina: Stop yo complainin
Jesper: Nina, it’s about time
Nina: Me and Matthias are having so much fun
Nina: Not that what you’re doing isn’t fun too
Nina: It just can’t possibly be as fun as this
Jesper: Stop gloating
Nina: Oh! I am offended that you think I’m gloating!
Nina: Wylan I’m eating Doritos
Wylan: DORITOS 😭
Wylan: Jesper, I’m not kissing you until you get me some DORITOS
Jesper: NINA BRING ME SOME DORITOS
Nina: I would... but wouldn’t that be against the rules?
Jesper: THIS FOOD TASTES LIKE CRAP ANYWAY
Nina: Maybe if you asked nicely....
Wylan: NINA GIMME THE DORITOS
Jesper: Nina, t’wouldst greatly pleaseth me if thee bringeth me the chips that art shapest in the form of a triangle, and flavoured with that which is called cool ranch.
Nina: Jeez, you didn’t have to go all Shakespearean English on me
Nina: That wasn’t even good
Jesper: I can do it in French if you want
Nina: I speak French, I’m curious now
Jesper: Nina, ça va me make un vraiment content Jesper si tu peux m’apport un bag de Doritos pour Wylan something something croissant adios
Wylan: You suck at French
Nina: 😂 That was wonderful
Jesper: Oh shut up... I only took a year of French
Wylan: Now about those DORITOS
Nina: Relax, I’ll bring them tomorrow
Jesper: Yay! Now Wylan says he’ll kiss me :D
-minute of silence-
Nina: Wait are they actually kissing or—
Matthias: I don’t want to know.
Jesper: You’ll never knowwwwww
Wylan: Just no
Wylan: You tried to do something there but I don’t think it worked
Jesper: Fine, I’m going to go get Kaz so he can make us some lunch
Matthias: It’s 10 am
Jesper: I’m hungry.
Matthias: It’s still 10 am
Jesper: KAZZZZ MAKE ME SOME FOOD
Jesper: KAZ KAZ KAZ KAZ
Wylan: Kaz’s phone is literally right next to Jes and he hasn’t noticed yet
Jesper: Wait lemme see if I can guess his password
Jesper: WHAT KIND OF PASSWORD HAS 50 NUMBERS IN IT?!
Jesper: MINE HAS FOUR
Nina: It’s Kaz, what did you expect
Jesper: Uuuuuugh now I have to go all the way upstairs to beg for food
-five minutes later-
Jesper: Guys Inej and Kaz are...
Jesper: Not kissing
Jesper: How disappointing
Nina: Wait then what are they doing
Jesper: Idk they’re just kind of talking and Kaz is playing with Inej’s hair
Matthias: And you know this how...?
Jesper: I’m peeking through a crack in the door
Jesper: He’s smiling
Jesper: Kaz is smiling and it looks so WRONG
Jesper: It’s kinda cute though
Jesper: Wait why is he picking up his phone
Jesper: Wait how did he even get his phone, it’s right here-
Jesper: -or not...
Jesper: Now he’s smirking
Kaz: Get away from the door before I kill you
Jesper: ...okay :(
Wylan: WHERE ARE MY DORITOS
Nina: I’m going to the grocery store now, sheesh child
Jesper: *sigh* Look what you did, Nina
Inej: Wait is someone getting Doritos?
Inej: I WANT DORITOS TOOOOO
Kaz: Shut UP I’M TRYING TO WORK HERE
Jesper: On what?
Jesper: What kind of stuff?
Wylan: DORITO STUFF?
Inej: He’s trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday, Jes
Kaz: INEJ!!! SHE’S LYING!
Jesper: Ohoho, seems like Dirtyhands really does care about people! More specifically, me.
Kaz: Shut your face or I’ll give you a dead body for your birthday
Kaz: It might even be Wylan’s
Kaz: Just saying
Inej: He wrote down ‘something that isn’t lime green because saints know Jesper looks horrid in it’
Kaz: DO YOU WANT A DEAD WYLAN FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, INEJ?
Inej: ...kaz no
Kaz: Then you better shut up
Matthias: Can you give me a dead Kaz Brekker for my birthday?
Kaz: Unfortunally, it seems we’re all out of stock for dead Kaz Brekkers. We’ve got plenty of dead Nina Zeniks, though
Nina: Don’t drag me into this!
Nina: Now can I go home and relax?
Jesper: AND WASH YO HANDS, NINA
Inej: THE DORITOS ARE HERE?!
Wylan: Nuuuuu they’re MINEEEE
Inej: Kaz go steal the Doritos from Wylan
Kaz: I have a better idea
Jesper: Which is...?
Kaz: Oh right, you’re downstairs and can’t see this.
Kaz: I pulled out a bag of Doritos from the bookshelf
Inej: TAKE THAT, WYLAN
Wylan: Well mine are cool ranch so HA
Matthias: Someone please make them shut up...
Jesper: Wylan is sick
Inej: Awwww, poor Wylan
Jesper: He’s kinda just laying in bed moaning
Kaz: The poison is finally kicking in
Kaz: You never said you DIDN’T want a dead Wylan for your birthday
Jesper: INEJ YOUR BOYFRIEND IS INSANE
Inej: Relax, he didn’t actually poison Wylan
Jesper: HE’S STILL INSANE
Inej: At least I’m feeling better
Wylan: Ineeeejejjjj i hate uuuu
Wylan: Thjs sufckckcdsssss
Wylan: N i ated all my dortisos
Kaz: This is why Nina shouldn’t have gotten you Doritos
Kaz: You need to take your time with them
Kaz: Don’t eat them all at once
Kaz: Right, Inej?
Inej: Kaz I’m out of Doritos
Kaz: Is there an emoji of a facepalm because that’s what I’m doing right now
Nina: Wylan are ya still sick?
Wylan: IT SUCKS
Inej: Did I complain this much when I was sick?
Kaz: No I don’t think so
Inej: Okay, just checking
Nina: Where’s Jes anyway?
Kaz: I feel like you’re all going to yell at me for this but I really want to take a bucket of ice water and pour it on his face
Inej: Kaz, nO
Inej: KAZ GET AWAY FROM THE SINK WE ARE NOT WAKING JESPER UP
Wylan: Mmmmm how do you turn yhe ringer thingy down cuz u guys r loudddddd
Inej: Push the little buttons on your phone
Wylan: That just turned it offffffff
Inej: The other ones
Wylan: SAINTS THAT’S LOUD
Inej: The one below the one you just pushed
Wylan: Ohhhhhhhhhh. There we go.
Inej: Okay I’m gonna make breakfast
Jesper: How about Kaz makes it so we can have Brekkfast
Kaz: Nonononononono not Kaz puns
Nina: That wasn’t even funny, Jes
Jesper: Fine. If you don’t appreciate my talent, then I’ll shut up.
Kaz: This is the best day of my life now
Jesper: Actually I was kidding
Kaz: Why did I even bother getting my hopes up—
Nina: Excellent question
Inej: Kill me now
Inej: Kaz mutters in his sleep I CAN’T FRICKIN SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM BECAUSE HE MUTTERS ABOUT KRUGE
Inej: SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP
Nina: Wait why is Kaz sleeping in your room
Inej: .......his room is too cold?
Nina: Uhuh sure Inej
Nina: Okay now actually why is he sleeping in your room
Inej: I think he got lonely so he came in my room and started doing work at my desk then fell asleep
Nina: Awwwww, lonely little Kaz
Inej: He’s going to kill you when he sees that
Nina: If. Not when.
Inej: If.... if is good.
Nina: At least he doesn’t snore like Matthias is right now
Inej: Wait hold up how do you know how Matthias snores?
Nina: ...his room is too cold
Inej: Mhm alright sure Nina yep totally logical response there