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I'm a Creep

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She’s a creep.

People that aren’t creeps don’t spend all their free time thinking about one person. They don’t go specific ways to their classes so they see one person for three seconds. They certainly don’t stare at that one person throughout the one period they share together, lunch. 

Rey Niima is a creep. 

That’s why none of the guys in her grade ever talk to her. That’s why she’s never invited to parties. That’s why she’s never had a boyfriend. 

It’s a lonely life. 

She definitely touches herself a lot more than is socially acceptable. Girls never really talk about that kind of stuff, not like guys do anyway. It’s like boys can talk about jerking off and laugh it off, make jokes. But girls whisper “ masturbate” and cringe, like it’s something to be ashamed of. 

She never really made friends when she moved to this school. She moved in with Maz Kanata after her previous foster father got busted for grand larceny. Maz lived in the next town over and gladly took in Rey, she called her “spunky”. 

Maz is a peculiar old woman, but she’s nice enough. Rey is her only foster kid, so she gets her own room. The fridge isn’t locked and her curfew is non-existent. She lets her have free reign of the house and backyard. She even lets her borrow the car sometimes. 

Maz told her that she only ever takes in kids when the agency calls about teenagers. She claims that she is a good judge of character and would know whether or not to give her the privileges she has. 

At least she has that. 

Rey likes her dinners with Maz, even if she has to do the dishes afterward. The modest one-story dwelling is cozy and full of relics from the last century. It’s a much more peaceful existence than the one she had previously. 

She dreads when she has to leave the house and come to school. She doesn’t fit in. Her clothes are too baggy, it’s obvious she isn’t the first owner of them. She’s bored of her classes. No one ever tries to talk to her. She’s pretty sure that no one knows her name. 

The cafeteria is long tables that stretch across the room. It’s easy enough to seclude yourself from other groups by just maintaining a distance of a couple feet. 

She only ever grabs an apple for the lunch at school. She can’t stand to eat the school lunch when every girl around her is eating organic salads. 

She’s not sure if it’s a coincidence or if her brain did it on purpose, but she always has a clear view of him across the cafeteria. He’s always brooding, she likes to think they’re alike that way. He has a habit of running his hands through his hair. She’s not mad at it. 

Ben Solo is what most girls talk about during classes. Not in a good way, Rey thinks. They say stuff about his nose and his ears and his awkward waddle, but it just makes Rey angry. Ben is friends with the it-crowd of the senior class. The girls will say stuff about his hot friends, and that all he has going for him is his “massive dick”. 

It’s not even the comments that are insulting him that make her the most angry. It’s the comments that confirm that he’s having sex, or something like it, with people that aren’t her. Rey’s so sexually repressed, it hurts. 

It pains Rey to see him most of the time, so she’s guessing she’s a masochist. Rey finds herself staring far longer than what is not suspicious sometimes. She then has to make an effort to not look at him for about five minutes. 

He’s tall and muscular, but that’s not the big thing for Rey about him. He has a face that doesn’t seem like it would make sense, but it just makes him more beautiful. He’s smart and doesn’t appear to be as much of a douchebag as the rest of his friends. He doesn’t seem like he’s two dimensional. Rey thinks there are a million sides to him, and she wants to memorize every one of them. 

It would never work. He comes from a well off family and has plans to go to college and become a successful something. He’s a normal person that doesn’t have a million issues. 

Rey isn’t sure what she’ll do after graduation. It’s only the beginning of the school year, so she’s not too worried. A lot of the more well off kids, with parents, are applying to big private schools. Rey will probably settle with some dead end job that will pay for an apartment that she’ll die in for some ridiculous reason in fifteen years. She has until July after she graduates because she’ll turn eighteen and no longer be reliant on the system. 

Girls aren’t supposed to think about sex most of the time. Not like Rey does. She doesn’t even think about it because she’s aroused, she wants to know what it feels like to be that close to someone. 

She would probably put out for anyone, not just Ben Solo. Touch from anyone but herself is a gift she’s never afforded. 

Rey does okay for the most part. She spends her time as a creep, gets her homework done, does her chores, and tries to forget she exists while she sleeps. 


Rey’s zoned out during lunch, but predictably staring straight at Ben Solo. She’s thinking about the way his hair looks so smooth, wondering what type of shampoo he uses. This leads to her picturing him in the shower and her mind just kind of takes off from there. 

She doesn’t notice him looking back at her, well his whole table looking at her, until she hears the laughs. Poe Dameron is saying something, looking straight at her, that causes the entire table to roar in laughter. 

She averts her eyes and looks down at her hands in her lap. Her cheeks are reddening and she feels tears building in her eyes. They caught her staring, now everyone knows she’s a creep. She’s wishing she could go back to when no one ever noticed her. 

“Hey new girl! See something you like?!” Dameron yells across the cafeteria. 

They’re still laughing when she gathers her books and exits the cafeteria. She doesn’t want all of them to see her break down. She’s pathetic. 

She rushes to the bathroom and locks herself in the last stall. The tears are pouring hot down her face. Her hands shake as she sets her books on the floor. She crumples against the wall and slides down. 

She sobs silently while wiping her nose and eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve occasionally. She got good at crying quietly while living with Plutt. If he caught her crying, he’d cuss her out, call her weak, and lock her in the closet because no one wants to see that

She’s not sure how long she stays in the bathroom. By the time she’s cried out, she hears a couple girls enter the bathroom. 

They’re giggling and gossiping, the usual. 

“Did Poe tell you what happened at lunch?” Her heart stops. The guys from that table must be telling people. 

“No, what happened?” The other girl asks excitedly. 

“That freak new girl was, like, staring at Solo for five minutes!” God fucking dammit. Dread fills her whole body. She’s shaking. 

“What, she got a nose fetish or something?” They both laugh. Rey just wants to die. 

“Poe said she was dreamily looking at him, like, what a fucking creep.” Creep. That’s what she is. And now everyone knows. 

“Have you seen the way she dresses? Like baggy jeans and t-shirts?” Rey’s always been really self-conscious about her clothes, she doesn't exactly get to go to the mall for school clothes shopping. 

“She’s so fucking weird… Does this skirt make me look fat?” They ramble off into a conversation about their muffin tops and dieting. 

Rey feels numb. She doesn’t know how long she sits up against the wall, but she hears the bell ring a couple times. She had an idea that her reputation as a freak was out there, but it’s different hearing about it herself. 

She only breaks from her stupor when she hears a cart roll into the bathroom, signaling the janitor. She scrambles to grab all her books off the floor and scurries past a surprised looking man with a mop. 

The school day must have ended. The halls are empty and some of the lights are off. She can hear the whistles from the fields out back. 

She gets to her locker and quickly throws her books in her bag. It’s torn along the zipper in some places, but it works fine enough. She only has study halls after lunch, so she’s not too worried about skipping out on half the day. 

When she was little, she used to make up stories of where her parents went to make herself feel better. Like, they had to go into the witness protection program for a high profile case, or they’re spies who got called away on a top secret mission, anything to make her feel like they didn’t abandon her. 

She makes up stories now, but not about her parents. She imagines that one day, she’ll wake up and be the only person alive in the world. She’ll get to travel to every place without paying, get into every amusement park, wear all the fancy clothes. It’s kind of what she feels like now, but with more glamour. It seems less lonely to her too. She would be the only person alive. She wouldn’t have to watch other people have families and partners. She feels more alone in the cafeteria than she does in her bed at night. 

The walk to Maz’s from school is about two miles. She watches her feet and tries to make exactly three steps in each square of the sidewalk. It’s a lot easier now that her legs are longer, but it was harder when she was little. She would walk back and forth outside of Plutt’s house for hours, just counting her steps. 

She’s about a mile away from the high school when she hears tires and a loud bass. The music gets louder as the car comes nearer. She expects the car to continue down the road, but the tires screech to a halt right next to her. 

She lifts her head to look at the car and is horrified. It’s Dameron's Jeep. Solo is in the passenger seat. Armitage Hux is in the back. They must have just got out of soccer practice. The music becomes crystal clear as Poe lowers the windows, but he swiftly turns down the volume. 

Rey is just looking back at the car, in shock, mouth parted. All the blood drains from her face. 

Poe shouts across the front seat, “What’s up new girl? Need a ride?” Hux chuckles from the back. 

Rey doesn’t respond. She just throws her hood over her head and keeps walking, bringing her attention back to her feet. She hopes they’ll just go away if she doesn’t answer. 

The car starts to slowly follow her. 

“I’m sure Solo wouldn’t mind letting you take a ride!” Rey nearly trips over her own feet at his words. Her entire body must be scarlet. She feels like she’s going to throw up. 

Hux and Poe are laughing hard. Rey has tears threatening to pour out of her eyes. She’s never been more embarrassed in her life. 

“What’s your name? We need to know who’s so in love with Benjamin!” Hux calls from the back. 

She’s walking faster now. 

One, two, three. One, two, three. Left, right, left. Right, left, right. 

“Do you speak?” Poe questions. 

“Guys, let’s just go and leave her alone.” That has to be Ben’s voice. It’s deep and rich, kind of nasally, but she loves it. She’s grateful that he isn’t joining in with them. Everything about today would hurt so much worse if he was instigating it. 

Hux and Poe whine in disapproval, but concede. The car pulls away as Poe yells back, “good to see you new girl!”

She isn’t paying attention to Poe. All she sees is a look on Ben Solo’s face that she can’t quite discern the meaning of. They make eye contact for a brief moment, but she quickly looks back at her feet. 

He must think she’s such a creep. 

She just about sprints the rest of the way home. She neglects her usual procedure of three steps to a square. When she gets inside, Maz is in the kitchen making dinner. She shouts a “Hello!” to Rey. Rey throws back a quick “hey” and goes to her room down the hall. 

She flops down onto the twin size mattress in the room, burying her face in her pillow before the sobs start ripping through her body.

Sure, she feels pity for herself. That’s she too fucking weird to be normal, an afterthought, insignificant. But, she mostly feels awful for what Ben is probably going through with his friends. He didn’t ask for a weirdo like her to stare at him during lunch. He didn’t ask for her to fantasize about kissing every mole on his face. He didn’t ask for her unwanted attention. 

He probably hates her. 

None of this would’ve ever happened if she didn’t zone out. It’s pretty hard for her not to get lost in her thoughts when she only has herself to stay entertained. She probably spends half of her day thinking, daydreaming. Something like this was bound to happen eventually. 

Rey hears a knock at her door and quickly sits up and wipes her cheeks. She lets out a meek, “come in.” 

She’s still sniffling when Maz opens the door. She hobbles over to sit at the edge of her bed. Maz is different from her other foster parents. She seems like she genuinely enjoys fostering moody teens with abandonment issues. Maz takes her coke bottle glasses off her face and folds them over the collar of her blouse. 

“Rey, did something happen at school today?” The wrinkles around her eyes are more prominent when she doesn’t have her glasses on. She looks softer and more understanding somehow. 

Rey never really learned how to talk to or trust adults. “It’s uh… nothing.” She doesn’t even sound convincing to herself with her sniffles and hiccups. 

“Well, if you do want to talk about it, I’m always here to talk.” With that she squeezes her shoulder and leaves the room. “Dinner will be ready in about ten!” She calls from down the hall. 

Maz made spaghetti. She gossips all about the women in her knitting circle. She makes Rey laugh and eases some of the pain today caused. Rey eats until she can’t anymore. Maz tells her that she’s too thin and that she needs to eat it all. Rey does the dishes. She finishes up the homework she would’ve done in her study halls. She says goodnight to Maz.

After she touches herself, she cries. All the fantasies she plays out in her head are impossible because of who she is.

Chapter Text

She finds herself dreaming, which is a dichotomy from her normal nights of nothing. Sometimes, she has parents who love her and encourage her to do great things. Other times, she is who she is, but Ben doesn’t care and loves her anyway. It’s really hard to wake up those days. 

The next couple days are eerily quiet. She sits at her normal spot by herself during lunch, but none of the guys from that table harass her again. This doesn’t stop the odd feeling in her stomach that this isn’t over. 

She continues to watch Ben, but not so outwardly. She’ll look at him when he goes to throw away his tray or when he’s ahead of her in line and keeps it at that. She relishes the moments when she passes him in the hallway and everyone is too preoccupied to notice her attention to him. 

She busies herself with her schoolwork. During history, she finds out she has to do a partner essay. Rey normally likes to work alone, but she’s assigned Rose Tico and she’s nice enough. They do the essay during the class period and finish it relatively easily. 

Rose doesn’t try to push Rey into conversations. Rey is too hesitant to even try to make friends at this point. She thinks Rose understands that much at least. She will admit though that it was nice to talk to another person without the fear of being made fun of or pitied. 

It’s while she’s sitting at lunch, getting a head start on her calculus homework, when two girls who Rey never wanted to see sit across from her do exactly that. Bazine and Phasma, the best friends who’ve slept with half the senior guys and go to Aruba every year for spring break, are staring at her with mischievous grins. They go by Baz and Phas, what a pair. 

Rey clears her throat, “Can I help you?” 

They both laugh and look at each other. They are dressed to impress with designer belts and skirts, cleavage peeking slightly out of their tube tops. 

“Rey, we just wanted to talk with you. Be friends,” Bazine says softly, stretching her hand across the table. She’s confused on how they know her name, but that’s the least of her worries. Why would they want to be friends with her? 

“Um… what?” It’s the only response she can think of. She has no idea what they would even want to associate with her. They both are rich and have guys falling at their feet. 

“My parents are gone this weekend and we want you to come to the party at my house,” Phasma says with a smile. 

“Oh, I don’t…know,” even if Rey wanted to go, she doesn’t have party appropriate clothing. She wouldn’t feel very comfortable around so many people in her class either. 

“Rey, it would be fun and you could make some friends!” Bazine beams at her, her dark hair gliding across her shoulders with the movement of her head. 

As she’s stuttering to form words and her face is getting red, it gets even worse. “What the fuck are you guys doing?” That voice. She knows that voice. 

Rey looks up to see standing behind Bazine and Phasma is Ben Solo with scrunched eyebrows and a frown. 

The girls look towards each other and smirk before turning back to look at Ben. “Ah, Benjamin, we were just inviting Rey to the party at my house tonight,” Phasma says it like it’s a normal, everyday occurrence. 

“Why the fuck are you doing that?” Rey’s heart thuds in her chest. Her veins run cold. He doesn’t want me there?

“We happen to like Rey! We think she would be a lot of fun!” Bazine retorts back at Ben. She finds herself oddly siding with Bazine and Phasma. They seem to want her there, right? 

Ben looks at Rey for the briefest of moments, huffs out a sigh, says “whatever” and walks back to his table. The pit in her stomach starts to fester into anger. If Ben Solo, the boy she has been in love with since the beginning of the school year didn’t think she was cool enough , she’d just have to prove him wrong. 

The girls shrug their shoulders and turn back to Rey. “So Rey, what do you think?” 

Rey thinks for a moment, weighing her options and realizes she has nothing to lose. “I guess, okay… I can go.” 

The girls squeal. “Okay, this is great!” Phasma says excitedly. 

“Be at Phas’s house at about 10:30 ish, by then people will be starting to show up,” Bazine rattles off. 

“Here’s my address,” Phasma leans over the table and rips the corner off Rey’s calculus homework, stealing Rey’s pen, and scribbles down her address. She hands the piece of paper back to a shocked Rey. 

“See you tonight!” Bazine grinned. 

They stand up and walk away in a synchronized fashion. Their hips sway in a way that accentuates their cinched waists. Rey wishes she looked like them, but she’s pretty square, never really developed wide womanly hips. 

As she returns to her calculus homework, she wonders if she’s made the right decision. The entire thing seems a little suspicious, but what’s the worst thing that could happen? She may be going purely out of spite, but she’s trying to ignore the face that came over Ben when he found out. If he’s there maybe she could convince him that she’s not a weirdo like everyone thinks. 


The address Phasma gave her is in the really nice part of town. She’s sitting in front of Maz’s ancient desktop, having typed the address into maps. The houses look massive from the aerial view. All of them have large swimming pools and endless driveways. 

Sighing in frustration, Rey leaves the living room to search for clothes acceptable for a party in her room. She figures that her only pants that don’t really scream “second-hand” are a pair of ripped skinny jeans that are slightly too tight around her ass, but they’ll have to do. 

She has an oversized flannel that she decides she’ll wear over a tank top. It’s not exactly as fashionable as what the other girls will probably be wearing at the party. Nothing that she has is remotely fashionable. 

Maz calls to her from the kitchen that dinner is ready. They’re having leftover chicken and rice from the night before, but it is filling and isn’t completely tasteless. She makes small talk with Maz throughout, she hasn’t really gotten to the point where she’s able to have meaningful conversations with her, she’s never gotten to that point with anyone. 

As Rey’s washing the dishes, she inquires, “would it be okay if I spent the night at a friend’s house tonight?” 

She doesn’t hear the tiny woman’s feet scurry up behind her, but as she leans over to put the plate in the dishwasher, she nearly knocks heads with her foster mother. Maz has her glasses push up close to her eyes, her brow is furrowed in concentration. She looks calculating; Rey’s almost sure she’s seen through her lie. 

Pursing her lips, Maz says sternly, “If you need a ride, call me. I don’t need you dying in a drunk driving accident.” With that, she walks away, leaving Rey bent over the open dishwasher, mouth parted in shock. Maz is that good? 


Rey manages to get through all of her homework with enough time to get ready for the party. She has hardly any makeup, but she does have mascara and a little bit of bronzer. 

She shoves herself into the jeans and pulls on the tank top and flannel. She brushes her hair out and just pulls back the front, giving herself a half up-do. The mascara is kind of clumpy but smooths out as she pulls the spoolie through her lashes repeatedly. 

She gives herself a once over in the mirror and isn’t totally horrified by the way she looks. She hopes that Ben will notice her in the right way. Her chest aches when she remembers the way his face contorted at the mention of her coming to the party. Rey isn’t trusting that Bazine and Phasma actually wanted to be friends with her, but she’s trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they think this will get her to do their homework or something. 

Rey throws her large grey zip-up hoodie over her shoulders, figuring she’ll just take it off when she gets to the house. It’s about a fourth-five minute walk from her house to the side of town where Phasma’s house is. She yells a quick “Bye!” to Maz, who is sitting on the couch watching the night talk shows.

Once she’s walking, her doubtful thoughts start badgering her. She almost turns around three times. None of the kids who are going to be there know her, and if they do, they’ll probably be of the bunch that made fun of her. She tries to forget that entire awful day happened, but the sounds of laughs and screeching tires are burned into her brain. 

Despite her awful upbringing and tendency to seclude herself, she’s somewhat of an optimist. Not for her life trajectory or anything important like that, but that it won’t rain on a Saturday afternoon when the chance rain is over fifty, or that all the main characters will survive the horror film. 

Rey’s optimistic that once she presents herself as not a total creep, those guys and Ben, all that matters is Ben, won’t think she’s an obsessive loser. 

After battling with her thoughts the whole way over, she finally reaches Phasma’s address. 

The house is as large as a wing of school with large pillars in the front that hold up the balcony over the grand entrance. 

She walks up to the front door and rings the doorbell. She can hear the loud music from outside mixed with the cheers and laughs of her classmates. How has this party not been busted yet?

The door is thrown open and Rey almost stumbles back at the assault to her ears. Phasma is tall and stunning in the doorway. She shouts, “Rey!” and grabs her by the arm, pulling her inside. “I’m so glad you came!” 

Rey didn’t think she could be more stunned, but she was wrong. The floors are marble white and there’s paintings that have to be worth thousands on the walls. The open floor plan lets her see across the interior to a large family room with leather couches and a large flat-screen television. The kitchen is state-of-the-art with a stainless steel, impossibly large fridge. Granite countertops house every appliance imaginable. The island in the middle of the kitchen has a bar built around it and a wine fridge built into the side. 

Rey’s never seen such luxury and living everyday in such a beautiful home seems impossible. 

Rey feels so out of place in this house. She’s not sure she’s going to survive this party without having a panic attack. 

The lights are dimmed and there’s at least fifty of her classmates milling about. Some in groups chatting. Others playing beer pong. Some making out in corners. Copious amounts of alcohol everywhere. 

“Here have a drink!” Phasma yells over the music. Rey’s immediately given a red solo cup filled with something with alcohol. 

She follows Phasma as she walks inward, but loses her in the crowd. Rey feels small and stupid for coming. To take the edge off, she decides to chug the whole cup. She ignores the instinct to instantly wretch and lets the alcohol warm her throat and stomach. 

It doesn’t hit her immediately, but she starts to feel a little bit lighter as she walks over to the bar in the kitchen, lined with every alcoholic beverage imaginable. 

The music is so loud that it takes her a minute to realize someone is talking to her. She turns to the voice and sees Poe Dameron, the boy who was making fun of her less than a week ago. 

She flinches back and grabs the countertop. “Calm down Rey! We wanted to apologize!” Next to him is standing the ginger, Hux. “We were only trying to get Solo a girl, that’s why we were pointing you out!” 

Rey hasn’t said a word since she stepped foot inside the house, but here she finds her voice. “You guys did a shit job of trying!” She fakes a smile. 

“Ah, come on! It’s all in the name of fun!” Poe shoves a beer into her hand. Rey cracks it and chugs it, if only to prove she’s not a complete pushover. She crushes the can in her hand and throws it in the sink next to her. 

Hux and Poe smile at each other, seemingly pleased with Rey’s little performance. 

“Come on Niima, let’s have some fun.” As Poe, the boy she despised, still despises, drags her through the crowd of people, she scans for Ben and can’t find him. 

Rey is pushed into the corner of the large leather couch and Poe sits down next to her. She crosses her leg toward the arm to make herself smaller. Hux sits down in the armchair next to the couch and is almost immediately joined by Phasma who sits squarely on his lap. 

“So Rey, you still got a thing for Solo?” Poe says directly into her ear. 

The familiar feeling of unease is creeping up her stomach, but the alcohol has numbed her brain a little bit already. “I just think he’s swell, ya know?” Poe gives her another beer. What does this dude carry alcohol in his hair? 

Poe’s laughing and his words are echoing a little bit in her head. “You’re probably the only girl that thinks that.”

“That doesn’t mean you harass me for it!” The drinks are giving her confidence she doesn’t normally have. She continues to sip the drink Poe handed to her. “Where is he anyway?” 

“Solo? He’s a fucking wet blanket. Probably studying somewhere.” 

She doesn’t hide her disappointment. Her face falls. If she’s being honest, her face is starting to feel a little numb and heavy. “That sucks. I was gonna try to talk to him.” She grimaces, fuck I said that out loud. She drowns her embarrassment with another gulp. 

Poe and Hux laugh at words, but she doesn’t feel the same shame she did when they drove by in the car. She starts laughing with them. 

At some point, she starts playing beer pong with Bazine across from Poe and Hux, Phasma cheering them on from the side of the table. Rey sucks at the game, she drinks a lot more beer than the other players. 

The laughing and teasing isn’t going through to her head anymore. The drinks keep coming and she feels her will to care slowly wither away.

She’s dancing in the middle of the floor, in her own world, the world is spinning a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe people are talking to her, she’s not really sure. She’s sure she’s slurring her words. Her tongue feels like it’s dead in her mouth. She keeps seeing flashes, maybe phone cameras? 

Maybe she’s moving too fast because she suddenly feels nauseous and drool is gathering in her mouth. She’s stumbling across the room, looking for a bathroom. 

She feels hands grab her shoulders, when she looks up, her heart explodes. Ben Solo is looking down at her with a twisted face. He’s saying words, but they’re not registering correctly. 

Poe is shouting behind him and Ben is spitting back at him with the same fury. 

Rey can’t find it in herself to be too bothered with what’s happening with them because she’s gonna puke whether or not she finds a bathroom. Covering her mouth, she searches the room for something that isn’t the floor and sees a plant in the corner by the stairs. 

She might have been more embarrassed about spilling her guts in a houseplant if the alcohol wasn’t running heavy through her veins. She feels someone’s hands pull back her hair. 

She can’t get back up. After she’s done and her mouth tastes like bile, she slumps onto the floor sideways. The cool marble against her cheek feels heavenly. She hears vaguely through her fog, “Rey?”

She opens her eyes slightly, but is assaulted by bright white light. Her eyes adjust a little bit and Ben Solo is there again. She thinks he’s trying to get her to stand up. Behind him there’s a crowd of her peers with their phones out and they’re laughing. Shit, they’re laughing at me. Fuck. 

That’s the last thought she has before the world goes black and she slumps back down on the floor. 


She wonders if she imagined snuggling up close to him, his arms secured under her knees and armpits. He smelled good, not like the average teenage boy. She vaguely remembers telling him so as he deposited her in a car. 

She is completely convinced it’s a dream until she’s awoken by a throbbing headache. The sheets wrapped around her are warm and the mattress is softer than anything she’s ever slept on. She burrows herself deeper in the bed, shutting her eyes tight because the light coming into the room is stabbing her through her eyes. 

That’s when it clicks, the sheets smell like he did in her dream. Her eyes pop open as she sits up frantically. The room isn’t hers. It’s large and everything is black. The comforter she’s wrapped in, the walls, the lamps on the desk. 

Panicked, she flips over the comforter which reveals she’s still in her too-tight jeans. She doesn’t feel any different, so she thinks she can rule out that she went home with and lost her virginity to a random classmate. 

She searches the room for clues that might suggest whose bed she is in. Thrown over the back of the desk chair, to her horror , is a soccer jersey with “SOLO” stitched across the back. 

Fuck.

Chapter Text

Shit, shit, shit. 

Her head is throbbing. Her chest is swelling in a confusing mix of excitement and shame. The feeling that she’s going to puke all over her crush’s bedroom floor is stronger than implausible. 

She throws herself out his bed. Her feet pad across the floor as she scurries to the bathroom branching off of his room. The door was wide open with the lights turned on, almost purposely so, to make sure she knew it was there. 

Her knees hit the title floor as she curves herself around the porcelain. Her body contorts as she dry heaves in uncontrollable convulsions in the toilet. Nothing comes out of her except for the occasional mouthful of spit. 

When she stops heaving, she rests her head against the toilet. She would cry if she wasn’t so dehydrated. 

Shame has been a persistent cloud over her for as long as she can remember. The days during elementary school when everyone’s parents or grandparents would come in for the family picnic and Rey would sit off with a couple other foster kids and the teachers. Being escorted out of her foster dads house with flashing lights illuminating her. Getting off to ideas of gentle caresses from a boy who she thought didn’t know her name. Throwing up in a houseplant at a party with students who are three social classes above her.

None of that compared to the ache that spread all the way to her fingertips and toes as her body tried to vomit, unsuccessfully, in the bathroom of Ben Solo, who obviously saved her from the shitshow that she got herself involved in the previous night. 

She’s still breathing heavy on the toilet when a series of soft knocks come through the door followed by a quiet, “Rey?” 

It’s his voice. That fucking voice. 

“Are you…are you okay?” She pushes herself up so she’s not laying on the seat of the toilet anymore. 

She tries to speak, but her throat is sore and dry. She squeaks out a horse “I’m fine. Just a minute.” 

She hears his feet recede from the door under the squeaky floorboard. She pulls herself up and relieves her bladder, like she should’ve done hours ago. She flushes, washes her hands,  and becomes absolutely horrified by the person looking back at her in the mirror, and panics. 

Her hair is sticking up in weird places, mascara is smeared underneath her eyes, her skin is pale, and her face is swollen. Her mouth tastes like bile. She’s a wreck. 

She tastes some of his toothpaste on her finger and scrubs her teeth and tongue until the awful taste in her mouth goes away. With her head stuck underneath the faucet, she gulps down water for a full minute. She gathers her hair into a bun since it’s too unkempt to keep down. She furiously rubs under her eyes with water and hand soap to get off the mascara. When she’s done, her skin is raw, but she doesn’t look nearly as bad as she did before. 

Swallowing her nerves, she nervously pulls open the bathroom door. Ben looks up from the edge of the bed in the middle of the room where he is perched. His hair is wild in every direction. He’s wearing a blue shirt and flannel pajama bottoms are slung low on his hips. 

Rey feels nauseous again, but her stomach is empty of everything but water. 

She can’t bear to look at him. She doesn’t want to see the look of pity and disgust that is probably plastered across his face. 

She stays half behind the door, waiting for him to speak. Ben runs his hands through his hair a couple times, seemingly trying to find the right words. 

“I–I’m sorry for not bringing you home, but you were passed out in my car and you couldn’t tell me where you lived, and my mom is away at a conference so I just um… brought you here.” Rey swallows tightly. She assumed she was too incapacitated to tell him where she lived and that’s why she ended up in his bed. “I slept on the couch, I didn’t, like, try anything .” He’s wringing his hands and looking at his lap. It’s weird for her to see him looking just as nervous and out of place as her. 

“Thank you,” she rasps, moving out from behind the door and sliding down it to the floor. “But why? You made it seem like at lunch that you didn’t want me there, like you didn’t even like me.” She didn’t understand why he would want to help her, or why he even showed up. 

His mouth opens and closes, lost for words. He shakes his head and rubs his face between his large hands. “You came up in my feed at the party and they… they weren’t saying nice things. So I went and picked you up. I was worried at lunch that they didn’t have the best intentions. That’s why I acted the way I did.” 

The familiar burn started behind her eyes. Don’t cry, don’t cry. She was suspicious that the party was an excuse to make fun of her some more, but she thought she could handle it, showing them that she's not weird. 

She failed at that. 

Rey wiped under her eyes to prevent the stream of tears from falling down her face. “I’m really sorry you had to come do that. I didn’t even mean to stay, but they just started giving me drinks and I thought I was having a good time.” she says, voice wavering. “I’m sure you got a lot of shit from your friends for getting me out of there.” 

“They aren’t really my friends.” He doesn’t hesitate and it shocks her. “Not after everything they’ve been doing to you. I’m sorry.” 

She thinks she might explode of confusion and heartache. “What?” She says, incredulous. 

“I knew who you were before them. My parents are friends with Maz. They told me to keep an eye out. I clearly didn’t do that right.” He sighs, disappointed with himself. 

Her mind is reeling. He knew who she was. The whole time. “Did–did you tell them my name?” She asks quietly. 

“I didn’t mean to,” he blurts. He presses his lips together. “I slipped up. After we saw you walking. They more or less were annoying you to get to me.” Huh? 

She thought for a second, and it started to make sense. What Poe said at the party. Why Ben always looks so miserable around them. Making fun of her was a way to get to him.

“They figured out that I…” unable to finish her sentence, her face reddened. “So they–they used that against you? Why?”  

“I don’t know, that’s just what they do.” He coughs and says, “they also figured since I knew your name that I um… reciprocated.” 

She closes her eyes tight, hoping she will be transported to a different place where she isn’t being rejected. She pulls her knees up to her chest and buries her face in her knees. “I’m–I’m really sorry that you–you had to go through that,” she chokes out. I’m such a fucking embarrassment. Creep. 

“I didn’t say I didn’t.” He says it so softly that she thinks she heard him wrong. 

Wiping her nose on her sweatshirt sleeve, she looks up. His eyes glistening slightly and he’s looking so intensely at her that she feels a hole being burned through her. She’s not sure how to respond, so she doesn’t. 

“Do you want some breakfast? I have cereal, or I can cook some eggs or something?” The nausea has ebbed away slightly, her stomach is painfully empty, she could eat some cereal. 

“Okay, cereal sounds good,” she answers through sniffles. 

She pushes herself off the floor and follows him out of the room, through a long hallway with pictures of his family littering the way, and down a hardwood staircase with intricate woodwork through the spindles. His house doesn’t scream wealth like Phasma’s, but it’s well built and thoughtfully decorated. There’s a few prints of beautiful landscapes hung on the walls. 

The kitchen is simple with dark blue walls, gray tile floors, dark wood cupboards and a black countertop. 

Ben reaches easily into the top cupboard to grab the box of cereal, then two bowls and spoons, and milk from the fridge. 

She looks at the clock shown on the oven and it’s only eight in the morning. No wonder she feels awful. She’s hungover and sleep deprived. 

“You want milk?” He asks as he pours the cereal into each bowl. 

“Sure.” She still feels so burdensome. The clothes she is wearing reek of alcohol and sweat. He must think she’s disgusting. 

He grabs both bowls to sit at the island in the middle of the kitchen with black leather stools. She pulls out the stool next to him, where he’s placed her bowl and spoon. 

They both start eating, almost in silence other than the crunch of the cereal. Rey’s halfway through the bowl before she speaks. “So, your mom just leaves you home alone for the weekend?” 

He stills. She’s seemingly hit a nerve. “Well, she goes to a lot of conventions for her job, and my dad is kinda always off doing something on his own, so I’m home alone a lot.” He doesn’t seem sad at his words, just tired. 

“Oh, I didn’t know.” It’s hard for her to imagine that the seemingly perfect Ben Solo struggles in a similar way that she does. 

“Not a lot of people do. My mom likes to keep up the image that we’re the perfect family.” He isn’t really eating the cereal anymore, just pushing it around. “I shouldn’t complain, I know other people have it a lot worse.” The silent you is clear. 

She finds herself opening up. “I don’t really remember my parents, so I don’t really feel like they’re ignoring me, if that makes any sense.” She trails off, confused by her own words. She never talks to anyone about her parents because then she has to acknowledge that she doesn’t have any. 

“They missed out on the opportunity to raise an amazing person.” He takes a large bite of his cereal. She stares at him, mouth agape and surprised at his words. He lifts the corners of his mouth to imitate a smile without opening his mouth full of cereal. 

She eats as much as she can without triggering another bout of nausea. He takes their bowls over to the sink where he rinses them and sets them in the dishwasher. 

Rey clears her throat. “So, could you give me a ride back to Maz’s? She’s probably worried about where I am.” 

He turns away from the sink to look at her, face suddenly red. “I was gonna ask if you maybe wanted to hang out today?” 

“Really?” She lets slip. It doesn't seem possible that he would actually want to be in her presence. 

“Uh, yeah, we could watch movies or something… I just have never really gotten the chance to talk to you.” His feet move nervously against one another. 

“You wanna talk to me?” She must sound pathetic and desperate for attention. 

“Yeah, I always wanted to, but you seemed so closed off, like you didn’t want anyone to talk to you.” It doesn’t shock her that that’s how she comes off to people. Quite frankly, she would rather not associate with ninety percent of her peers. 

“I mean, I can if you want but I should probably go home and shower–“

“You can use my shower and I can lend you some clothes… if that’s easier.” The tips of his ears look burning red and his knuckles are white as they grip the counter behind him. 

She’s not completely sure why he would go to these lengths just to talk to her, but Rey is so desperate for attention, she doesn’t care. “Okay… I um… need to call Maz to let her know where I am and I don’t have a phone. Can I use yours?” 

He nods his head, almost too quickly, and hands her the house phone from the corner of the counter. She dials the number that she memorized the first day she moved in. 

“Hello?” Maz’s voice comes groggily though the phone. 

“Hey Maz, this is Rey.” 

“Rey, I was starting to get worried. I really should get you a phone so you can call me. Where are you?” 

She’s running her teeth over her lip nervously. “You know Ben Solo, he let me crash at his house after the party last night. I was wondering if I could hang out here today and come home later tonight? If not it’s totally okay and I get it.” 

The phone is silent on the other end for a minute. She worries Maz is going to say no and she’ll never know why Ben wants to hang out with her. 

“Ben is a good kid. And I’m trusting you not to do anything astronomically stupid.” 

Her chest lightens and a burst of happiness surges through her. “Is that a yes?” 

“Rey, you’re seventeen. I’m not going to stop you from hanging out with a boy. See you at home tonight.” 

Maz hangs up the line and Rey looks up to see a happier looking Ben Solo. 

“I’ll get you a towel and some clothes.” Rey follows him up the stairs, back to his room with the attached bathroom. He grabs her a towel from the linen closet in the hall, a pair of sweatpants, and a t-shirt. 

He hands over the items to her. “I’m just gonna be downstairs in the living room if you need anything.” A thrill is sent down her spine at that idea that she could be in the shower, in dire need of something, and he would gladly help her. 

She doesn’t allow her mind to go down that path when he’s walking away from her, backside in her view. She enters the same miserable bathroom she ran to this morning, but is feeling approximately one thousand times better about things compared to when she woke. 

The shower is warm far sooner than any shower she’s ever used before. The shower head has five different settings of intensities. His shampoo and conditioner feels expensive, must be how he has such nice hair. 

When she uses his body wash, her knees go weak. It’s his scent, minus his natural musk. It’s comforting to be covered and cleaned of her filth by his soap, almost as if he’s the one doing it, ridding her of a night of grief. 

She should feel over the moon about the prospect of hanging out with Ben, but she feels scared and nervous. However cathartic the cleaning of her body is, she feels slightly intrusive using the shower that he washes himself in everyday. God, he probably jerks off in here. She’s tense and quick, getting the shower over as soon as possible. 

She quickly dries her body with possibly the fluffiest towel she’s ever used. She rolls on the sweatpants that are far too large; she has to roll the waistband three times. Her bra doesn’t smell great and her breasts are small enough to get away without one, so she throws the t-shirt over her bare chest. She finger-detangles her hair. Using her elastic from the previous night, she throws her hair into a tight bun on the top of her head after she rubbed the strands dry with the towel. 

It’s amazing what a hot shower and clean clothes can do to improve her mood. She ignores the part of her that preens about wearing his clothes, just his clothes. She feels overwhelmingly small, drowning in his clothes. Instead of the anxiety she normally experiences due to how skinny she is, she’s comforted by their physical differences. 

Ben’s large presence is almost negated by his inward personality. He’s much more nervous and timid than she ever thought he was. She can imagine the power trip her peers get at making such a large person feel small. 

Rey’s heart breaks a little. 


The sound of the televisions leads her to the living room. A gray linen couch with deep seats is centered in the room, flanked by the matching armchairs. There is a mantle with pictures of Ben’s family. Little figurines, picked out with taste, are around the room on different surfaces. The screen is large, but not obnoxiously so. 

Ben must be exhausted from leaving his house in the middle of the night to get her and waking up relatively early for the weekend. She feels horrible about it. He’s curled up facing the back of the couch, face relaxed, mouth slightly parted, eyes fluttering every couple seconds. He is beautiful. 

He keeps twitching in his sleep. He must be dreaming. She sits down in the armchair beside the couch. The cushions are pillowy and comfortable. She doesn’t mind sitting in his very nice living room while he naps.

She finds the remote to the television on the coffee table. She turns it on and quickly lowers the volume before the sound comes through as not to wake Ben. 

She starts flipping through the channels. The music channel flits across the screen and Rey doubles back. It’s the one with the fireplace and soft old music. The volume is high enough for her to hear but not to disturb the sleeping form on the couch. 

Climbing out of the chair, she starts to wander around the room quietly. Ben appears to be an only child. They have that in common, or as far she knows. There’s pictures of him from infancy to now on the mantle, the walls, side tables… It must be nice to have parents who want the world to know that they have a son. 

When they asked the seniors to send in baby photos, the earliest photo Rey had was her first grade school photo. She doesn’t know how Maz found the photo, but once she knew which elementary school she went to, Rey was seeing an image of herself she hadn’t seen since she looked in the mirror at that age.

Plutt wasn’t one to take or keep photos of her. Her parents left no photos of her birth of her first steps. She couldn’t tell you if a photo was of her as a baby or not. 

His baby self is all smiles, teeth, and ears. He looks happy. When he looks a little older, maybe older elementary, the smiles of his face begin to fade and his hair starts to grow out to cover his ears. There used to be a light in his eyes, but these pictures look like he put on a mask to hide his true emotions. 

Through middle school to now, the smile slowly faded away, as did the crinkle at the corner of his eye. She’s not sure how long she stares at the photo of Ben from fairly recently. She studies the under eye bags and the dimples and his constellation of moles. 

Rey doesn’t feel as embarrassed staring at a picture of him compared to staring at his actual face. At least she thinks that until she feels his presence behind her. 

Turning around slowly, she finds herself looking directly at Ben’s chest. Rey has to crane her neck to look up at his face. His eyelids are drooping from slumber, but he looks slightly more well rested then when she went for her shower. His eyes are soft but his face is tilted slightly, brows knit. 

Suddenly overcome by her nerves, Rey looks to her bare feet on the hardwood. She stutters, “you–you we’re taking a nap, so–so I was just looking around…”

He breathes in sharply. “It’s a little excessive, don’t you think?” He exhales, gesturing at the mantle starring him. 

“I think it’s kinda cool,” Rey says softly, wringing her hands. “No one’s ever cared enough to put me on display.” Rey doesn’t say this for pity. She mostly just envies the idea of having parents who acknowledge you. 

“I’m not sure my mom does it because she cares. I think she does it because she feels obligated, like it makes up for her paying more attention to her work than her son.” There’s an edge of bitterness to his voice. She looks up at him, unsure of how to offer him the comfort she so desperately needs sometimes. 

His eyes are intense, but his face is soft. “I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I’m self pitying again,” he chuckles, like he finds his own misery hilarious. 

“It’s okay. I get it.” She really does. If there’s one thing she can understand, it’s the pain of absent parents. 

Rey walks past him over to the sofa and plops down, pulling her legs up to cross on the cushion. Ben sits down beside, but there’s enough room between them. 

Maybe it’s because they’re opening up to each other, but Rey really just wants to tell someone, someone who will listen. “You know, I don’t even know what my last name is. Niima was just the name of the dead town my parents left me in. I didn’t remember my name so they gave me that one.” 

He tenses next to her. “They just… left you there?” 

She nods her head, unphased. She’s numb to the abandonment at this point. “I think they were drug addicts or something. Couldn’t waste their money on a kid when they could buy drugs instead,” she swallows. There’s something freeing to her about admitting what she knows is the truth. “They’re probably dead. If they were clean, maybe they’d try to find me. But they didn’t. I almost hope they’re dead.” 

His silence is heavy. It’s a lot to process, so she understands. She can’t ask him to accept all this information and be completely nonchalant about it. 

He doesn’t ask about her parents, but he doesn’t change the subject all together. “Do you like Maz?” 

Her head tilts as she thinks about it. “She’s a lot better than my previous foster father.”

“Why, what did he do?” He’s almost demanding the answer from her, like he needs to know. His head is turned towards her, knuckles turning white from gripping the couch. 

She felt compelled by him, to tell him everything. “I don’t think he really saw me as a person that he needed to take care of. He would forget to feed me or buy groceries. Half of my clothes didn’t fit me because he would never take me shopping. He’d get really angry and make me sleep on the porch. I only moved in with Maz because he got caught stealing a car. After everything and moving to a new school, I’d never felt so alone.” Her voice breaks a little at the end.  

“You’re not alone.”

Rey makes eye contact with Ben. He seems like he truly understands her. Nothing about his face screams pity, just empathy. Maybe he longs for that deeper connection with someone, just like she does. 

“Neither are you.” 

For a few blissful moments, she doesn’t feel like a creep, rejected by society. She feels like this boy, even if he was slightly complicit in a little bit of her suffering, is trying his best to do better and make her feel like she’s real. 

That must be the driving feeling she has when she moves across the couch to straddle him and hug herself to his chest. A small “umph” comes out of his mouth before he wraps his arms around her, tugging her close. “I’m sorry no one has ever treated you like a person,” he utters against her ear. 

She let herself sag against him, ear against his heart. The steady beat keeping her anchored. He isn’t repulsed by her; he tugs her closer. 

Rey’s arms were wrapped around his midsection. Ben let his hands run up and down on her back, soothing the little hiccups that periodically come out of her throat. He doesn’t seem bothered that she’s wetting his shirt with her tears. His body is solid and unyielding. She feels more protected and cared for than she ever has in her life. 

She’s been yearning for this affectionate touch her whole life. It’s dizzying. The tears springing from her eyes could be from the relief she feels from his touch or the ache of thinking about her childhood, she wouldn’t know. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t try to talk to you sooner. I really should have,” he admits. 

Rey lifts her head from his chest and brings her hands to cup his face. 

That’s when it starts to feel like it’s happening. Like she is sitting in the lap of Ben Solo, he’s being sweet to her, and he has real skin that she’s touching. “Is this okay?” She asks, making sure she doesn’t do anything that he regrets. 

He reaches for the back of her head and pulls her forehead to his. “Rey, I–I’ve thought about this a lot. I just am worried that I’m not the person you think I am.” 

She sniffles and smiles. “That’s okay. I am willing to get to know you.” They both smile and laugh. Happiness floods through her in a foreign, warm way. 

He’s cradling her head as she holds his face. She’s content to stay this way forever, just holding on. 

“I really like you,” she whispers against his lips. 

“I couldn’t possibly understand why,” he retorts as he pushes a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “I think you’re pretty cool too.” She’s smiling so hard, her cheeks hurt. “I didn’t bring you to my house with the intent to seduce you, just so you know.” She thinks that his laugh is the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard. 

She pouts, “why not?” She likes the banter they are having. She may not dislike conversation as much as she thought she did. 

The wind’s knocked out of her as he flipped her onto her back on the couch. He’s over her, between her legs. His arms are still wrapped around her ribs. A shock is sent to her system as his heavenly soft lips start peppering kisses on her collarbones and neck. 

“I was trying to be a gentleman, Rey. But I guess not.” Does he think that it’s weird that I’m so willing to put out? 

“Ben, I…” she falters and her breath hitches. He pulls away from her, looking down curiously. 

“What’s wrong?” He sits back on his haunches between her legs, but that’s the opposite of what she wants him to do. 

A pathetic whine escapes her lips as she grabs his arm and pulls him back to her so they’re chest to chest. A surprised sound bubbles out of him, but he doesn’t fight against it. He settles back against her, shifting until he’s comfortable, his head slightly below hers and resting on her chest. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you to leave.” Her fingers are running through his hair and his hand is soothingly rubbing her side. “If you think that I’m like a slut or something, I’m not. I just don’t think that virginity is a big thing to lose,” she says after gathering the courage. 

He shifts quickly so his face is directly over hers. His hand leaves her side and he plants it next to her head. He seems almost mad. “Is that what you think I feel about you? Because it’s not. I just don’t want this to be like a hook up thing. I want to take you out, too.” 

Her heart is beating loud and rushing through her ears. Hearing that he wants to be seen in public with her is more shocking than anything she’s learned today. 

“Okay,” she says softly. “Can you kiss me already?” The desperation level is high and everything she’s fantasized about is just within reach. She needs it more than air. 

His lips are on hers faster than she can think. Two people, alone in different ways, finding each other against all odds. 




Chapter Text

Maybe… maybe she isn’t ready. He’s just going to leave her like everyone else, right. She’s so, so stupid for thinking that he’s different than her parents, the foster parents, everyone she’s ever gotten close to. They leave, everyone leaves. 

They’re just so different. 

Would he change everything for her? 

She’s shoving all of that down. She can’t let her hang ups stop her from being happy, just once. 

Ben’s dragging her by the hand up the stairs toward his room. The kisses they shared on the couch were sloppy and uncoordinated, but she didn’t mind. It was him, and he was caring for her. 

The sincere “sorry” he whispered against her lips after his nose poked her eye made her stomach flip. 

He pulls her into his room, shuts the door, and pushes her back against it. Her hands find his hair as his hands wander all over her body and he sucks on her neck. He hasn’t even touched her yet and she can feel her arousal spilling out of her. 

When he moves to suck on the other side of her neck, his hardness brushes up against her stomach, causing both to groan. The conversations girls would have about him filter back to her. 

“Ben, have you…” she whines as he sucks on her jaw, prompting a throb in her core. “Have you done thi–is before?” 

He breaks off her, breathing heavy. “No,” he pants. 

His hair is shoved away from his face with his hands. God, those hands. “Why did all the girls say you um… had a large…” she trails off, gesturing vaguely. 

He steps back slightly, face blushing, rolling his lips through his teeth. She thinks she’s said something wrong because he turns away from her completely to sit on the far edge of his bed, facing the opposite wall of the door. 

Anxiety creeps up her throat, gagging her silent. Her feet carry her to stand in front of him, at a loss for words. 

A yelp finds its way out of her throat when Ben wraps his arms around her midsection, pulling her between his legs so he can bury his face in her stomach. She starts carding her fingers through his soft locks. She finds it soothes him, maybe that’s why he does it so often. “Ben?”

He groans into her abdomen, obviously wanting to avoid the topic. “It’s really stupid,” he mumbles.  

“I’m sure it’s not. Please just tell me.” She wants to be able to comfort him like he did her. 

He whines, but concedes with a muffled, “okay.” Rey twists her body to perch herself across one of his thighs. 

The bulge in his pants is still evident, even if they are currently sidetracked. She has this urge to reach out and stroke him over his pants. She only wants to make him feel good, she wants to be the reason someone feels good. 

Instead of going the fondling route, she presses a kiss against his temple, if only to reassure him. 

“Girls haven’t actually seen… it. I was changing after swimming and my towel fell and Poe saw it for, like, a second.” Rey assumed from the way girls talk about it that he had at least had his dick sucked. Or that he’d sent a dick pic, it’s almost uncommon to not have sent one. “They thought they were helping by telling everyone.” 

The hold of his hand on her hip tightens as the blush of his face gets deeper. “And I–I won’t lie, the attention from some of the girls was kinda nice, but I’m not exactly really comfortable with myself in general.” She just wants him to see himself the way she does. 

All this must’ve been on his mind for a while, he just keeps talking. “I wasn’t, like, a person they wanted to date. They just wanted to… to be able to say they’d slept with me or something.” Rey can’t wrap her brain around that. Nothing about him is surface level, and she can’t fathom using him for his body alone. “And they had all these expectations, and I’d probably meet none of them because the guys just embellished things to get them to talk to me.” 

“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” The last thing she wants is for him to feel that she’s using him. 

His hand comes up to her face, grazing her jaw and turning her face towards him. Their eyes connect, and nothing about them says he wants to stop. 

“We can still do… stuff,” he says carefully. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed or anything.” 

She scoffs. “I have zero experience. Not much to compare you too.” 

“Okay,” he sighs. She’s left unsure how to proceed, and he looks like he feels the same. 

His eyes dart off in the direction of the bathroom when his eyebrows whirl up. “I’m just gonna go… um… brush my teeth,” he stutters hesitantly. 

“Oh, okay.” She stands off of his thigh and watches as he awkwardly shuffles towards the bathroom door. 

The door shuts and she can faintly hear the start of the tap. 

In the quiet of a teenage boy’s bedroom, insecurities are loud. Rey didn’t exactly shave every part of her body because she wasn’t planning on anything like this happening. She’s not the most curvaceous girl. Nothing about her is sexy. 

She paces across the room while he’s in the bathroom, almost considers running away and forgetting she ever did any of this. The door creaks open. 

His chest is heaving, the nerves are getting to him too. He’s obviously washed his face, his skin is fresher looking. Words don’t pass between them. 

Resolve settles over his features as he seemingly makes up his mind. 

Her eyes dart to the floor. She’s never been so nervous. She can hear her heart beating loud in her ears. Her hands are clasped tight together in front of her body. 

He’s in front of her before she realizes it, grabbing her hands, separating them, and leading her by one over to his bed. He lightly guides her onto the bed. 

She hurries to lay herself back on her elbows at the head of his bed. The covers are still rumpled from her sleeping in them. 

He climbs onto the bed, situating his knee between her legs and his arms past her shoulders. Barely having time to prepare herself, his lips meet hers again. 

She lowers herself down to the bed and her hands come up to wrap around his neck. Subconsciously, her legs tighten around the thigh between her legs. 

It’s not quite a moan that he lets out, more of a grunt into her mouth. 

She’s reminded of her earlier desires when his erection drags across her hip. Spurred on by adrenaline, her one hand leaves his neck to drag down his abdomen between them until she finds his arousal. 

He feels hot and hard under her palm, his flannel bottoms barely concealing his shape. It’s addictive, his face breaks away from hers and buries itself in her neck, and everytime she drags up the shape, a whimper falls out of his mouth and his whole body tenses. Her hips have started shifting unknowingly against his thigh, if only to relieve some of the ache. 

He stops her before she can work him up too much. She whines as he flops onto his back next to her, taking him away from her hand. Making him feel something remotely close to pleasure is dizzying, she never wants to stop. 

Ben pulls her into his side. “Thank you, but I want to touch you too.” Shivers crawl down her spine. Kisses pepper the side of her head. He shifts so he’s more on his side, looking down at her. 

Before she can question herself, she finds the hem of the shirt he lent to her and peels it off over her head. The audible intake of his breath sparks the blush on her cheeks. 

His hand comes to rest on her ribs. The hand looks so big compared to her body. She’s afraid to ask him to move his hand up slightly farther to find her breast. She can’t help but wonder if he’s slightly disappointed at her lack of chest. 

“Rey, can I...?” She nods her head fast, probably too fast. 

Ben’s thumb rubs the underside of her breast. Every touch sparks a throb in her core. She must be numb to her own touch because his is electrifying in a way hers never is. 

He lodges his arm underneath her shoulder blades to bring her chest closer to him. Her nipples harden under the circles and passes of his fingers. A gasp falls out of her mouth when the pressure increases. 

She can feel him straining to move against her hip. Why is he still wearing clothes? She tugs on the hem of his t-shirt, encouraging him to take it off. 

Her nipples are straining against the air while unattended as Ben rips off his shirt and throws it across the room. Rey can only admire him for a few seconds, and in those few seconds, she engrains into her brain his broad chest and the muscles that only make themselves apparent when they flex as he moves. 

They’re matching in their state of undress. Maybe not for long. 

Lips crash together in a heated kiss. Her hands come to his chest to feel the warm skin. His hands end up on her neck. A muffled moan is released against his lips at contact. She likes it, a lot, his hand on her neck. It feels… right. 

One hand stays under her neck while the other travels down her abdomen and plays with the waistband of the sweatpants. 

“Is this okay?” The words are choked, he’s eager. 

“Yes, please, Ben—” her words break off in a gasp as his hand crawls under the waistband. He pushes on her bare hip, so she’s lying on her back again. 

Still holding her neck, he leans down to kiss her temple as he hand drags across the area between her hips. 

Embarrassed that he can feel the hair above her sex, she buries her face into his shoulder to hid her crimson face. 

“Rey, are you sure?” He probably senses her embarrassment with the way she’s buried her face in his chest, eyes screwed shut. 

The hand feels surprisingly nice where it rests on her mons, teasing her with what is to come, but the nagging part of her brain is loud now that it’s actually happening. 

She wants this, she knows she does, but she can’t shake certain inhibitions. 

“You’re, you’re not gonna ignore me after this, right?” Her meek voice is hardly heard over his labored breath. 

His hand leaves the pants and rests over her stomach. She feels him leave kisses all over the side of her head. “No, I won’t ignore you.” 

The pressure on her neck increased as he began kissing her, she’s sighing into it. Her hand comes around and weaves under his arm that’s across her body as she nuzzles herself closer into his body. 

Squirming against him, she feels his hardness bump the apex between her thighs. His grip on her hip tightens. 

She boldly hooks a leg over his hip, making her core come into direct contact with his erection. Their chests touch each other, skin to skin.

Peeking up at him, she sees his eyes wide, mouth slightly parted. Her face crumples against his chest as he rolls his hips against her while sliding his hand down her outer thigh. 

Ah–” she mewls against his skin. He’s rubbing against the seam of the pants, right against her clit. It’s scary, humiliating, but she can’t stop squirming, it’s too good to stop. 

He grunts into her hair, she feels the puffs of air against her scalp. Both her arms are wrapped around his middle. There’s sweat forming on her skin and his where they’re connected. 

The ache is growing inside her. The pressure against the outside, the rubbing, it’s nice, but she just feels so empty. 

“Can you– ah–please” she stutters as she pulls at the waistband of his sweatpants. 

He thrusting faster, like he doesn’t want to stop, like he’s okay with just doing this until he peaks. 

Ben,” she whines into his chest. The movement stops and he uses the hand on her neck to tilt her face up to him. 

He presses his lips to her forehead and murmurs, “tell me what you want.” 

Her core tightens at the words, at his tone. 

“I need you, please–,” she’s cut off by him flipping her onto her back. 

Underneath him is where she wants to spend the rest of her days. Where she can run her hands along his chest, face, cock– he’s just so beautiful. 

The pants are being pulled off of her. 

And then she’s naked, in front of Ben Solo .

And he’s looking at her. Oh my god he is looking. 

His pupils are blown so wide his eyes look black. Somehow, she feels even more embarrassed. That he can see every part of her that no one else has seen. 

Sitting on his haunches at her feet, the borrowed pants in hand, jaw hanging. “You’re so–so…” he trails off, unable to form words. The pants are thrown aside.

Rey’s leaning back on her elbows, watching him between her legs. His hand is gliding up and down her leg as he absentmindedly rearranges himself through the flannel bottoms. 

A primal part of her is pleased at the insinuation that the bulge in his pants is because of her. 

He shimmies, quite awkwardly out of his own pants. 

That’s a penis. Wow. 

It looks like it’s not a part of his body, like it’s an attachment that came with him. His cock is straining towards his stomach, hard and leaking. She wants to lick off the bead of white at the end. 

He lazily strokes it as he reaches into the dresser and pulls out a foil packet. 

She’s drenched, dripping slick. He looks too big to fit inside of her. 

Her entire body is flushed, she is warm, her toes are tingling. 

He fumbles with the condom but pushes it down and pumps himself to make sure it’s on all the way. Then he’s back over her, sucking on her neck, kneading her ass in one hand and the other is next to her head. 

She’s out right moaning. Porn always makes moaning seem so fake, but sounds are bubbling out of her, she can’t control it. 

Fingers tangle into his hair, gripping and pulling. 

“Stop– ohh–teasing me–” Rey says to the ceiling. 

He chuckles against her neck before he leans back enough so his face is over hers. “If you say so,” he smirks. 

The hand that was on her ass is sliding down her front through folds. Her pelvis jumps to meet the contact. 

“Where should I…?” Fingers move with uncertainty over the exterior, gathering her wetness. 

Hesitantly, Rey reaches down to his hand and brings his fingers to her clit. Her hips jolt and stutter as he begins to rub back and forth over the nub. 

Circles” she huffs and he quickly switches to swirling his fingers. 

Eyes roll in the back of her head as her back arches and her neck tenses. “Fuck, Rey,” he kisses around her open mouth. Her hands find purchase on his shoulders. 

She’s so on edge that he’s barely touching her for a minute when she cascades through a climax, shaking and twitching, her throat hiccuping strained noises as it folds over his shoulder. 

Puffing out breaths she didn’t know she was holding, she falls back flat on the bed. Ben murmurs things against her neck while kissing that she can’t hear over the ring in her ears. 

Her heartbeat is felt throbbing in her neck, chest, ears, between her legs. She’s coming down from the high and it registers that Ben is still completely hard. It looks painful. 

“You can… fuck me now.” She tries to feign confidence, sexiness? 

Regardless, Ben gulps and shivers before catching her in a heated kiss. “Thank you, thank you…” he whispers against her lips, almost to himself. 

Grasping himself, he runs his cock through her folds a few times, coating it in her wetness, bumping her clit accidentally a few times. 

The head catches on her entrance and then he’s pushing in. And then it just keeps going. 

He’s grunting and shaking like a leaf above her, his breath hot against her ear. She stretches around him, and it doesn’t exactly hurt, it’s just more than she’s ever had inside herself. 

He bumps against her cervix and a sharp cramp goes through her abdomen as she gasps and whimpers. 

Aggh , I’m sorry, are you okay?” There’s sweat dripping off of him, the veins in his neck are nearly popping out. 

“M’fine, it’s just… a lot. You can keep going.” He nods his head and resumes thrusting slowly into her. 

“You’re so warm,” he groans as he shifts down and wraps his arms underneath her armpits. His thrusts pick up speed, and he’s hitting that place inside her that makes her toes curl and back arch. 

She feels herself gush around him, like she sometimes would in the darkness of her room, when her fingers would hit that spongy spot inside her. Coming like this is almost impossible, but it feels really nice and she already came once. The fullness relieves the ache of emptiness. 

The sounds of the affair are quite embarrassing, which she wasn’t prepared for. Skin slapping and lewd wet sounds are mortifying for her, but Ben doesn’t seem to mind.

“M’close,” he grunts against her shoulder. Indeed, he was moving faster and muscles were twitching through his back. 

“That’s okay, I want you to,” she says into the ear closest to her mouth while running her fingers through his nape. 

Ben lets out a throaty groan and pushes into her one final time. She feels him twitch and throb inside her as he empties into the condom. 

Their skin is sticky between them with sweat and other fluid. It’s disgusting, but his weight over her is comforting. 

She lets her eyes flutter shut and tries to just enjoy the presence of the large, hot body on her, in her. A sound of disapproval squeaks out of her as he pulls himself away. 

She can’t be bothered to move or even open her eyes, her limbs are jelly. His feet pat across the floor to the bathroom, she hears the door creak open and the running water.

She cracks her eyes open when he comes back, flannel bottoms covering him again with a wet washcloth in hand. 

He wipes off her inner thighs and puffy sex. She nearly cries from the amount of affection she’s received. “Thanks,” he looks over to her, meets her eyes, and turns up his lips. He throws the washcloth into the hamper in the corner and crawls back onto the bed. 

Rey reaches for the shirt, discarded off the side of the bed and pulls the shirt over her head. She was too cold to be completely naked. 

When her head pulls through, she clearly sees Ben for the first time since she was a virgin. Her heart aches at his goofy smile, messy hair, and eyes that just have a softness to them. 

Rey finds herself smiling right back at him. He lays down next to her, bringing her in close and the covers over top of them. 

She’s a little sore but ignoring it. “That was… nice.” Completely unsure of how to react after having sex with someone, she chuckles to herself as she imagines high-fiving him. Like, nice orgasm man. 

“What’s so funny? Was it that bad?!” Ben’s panicking as he sits up slightly.

“No! No, I just thought of something funny!” She assures him while wrapping her arms around him and kissing his shoulder. 

“Oh, okay.” His heartbeat slows down as he relaxes back into her hold on him. 

“What was the funny thing?” 

This boy. A couple giggles find their way out of her mouth before she can stop them. “It’s just… I don’t really know how to, like, act right now and one of my first thoughts was to high-five you.” 

He chuckles into her hair and says “well at least you thought it warranted a high-five.” 

“Yes, definitely.” She grins into his skin. 

The rest of the morning turns into soft caresses, lazy kisses, and muted conversation. Ben brings up bags of chips and they watch movies in his room, under the covers. 

Rey finds herself drifting off to sleep, cradled against his chest where they’re sitting up in his bed. She’s overwhelmed with the affection, it’s foreign to her, how safe she feels in his arms. Ben cards his fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp. 

Rain thrums against the roof like the heartbeat under her ear, both lulling her into slumber. 

She wakes some hours later with Ben slumped around her. Taking a moment for herself, she admires Ben. 

It’s surreal to her that yesterday she was just searching to seem good enough for him, but he was okay with her all along. Now, he knows her more intimately than anyone ever has. 

Ducking her head, she gently presses her lips against his neck, here then there. He rouses with a sharp intake of breath, looking down at her before his face softens and he leans down to meet her lips. 

“Mmm, what time is it?” She mumbles after they break apart. He leans back to grab his phone from the bedside table, chest stretching and bicep straining as the one arm holding her clutches her a little tighter.

“It’s like three,” he blurts looking at his phone before he sets it back down and folds himself over her again. 

“I should probably go home sooner than later. I don’t want Maz to worry.” He’s like a furnace, no wonder he kept his shirt off, not that she’s complaining. “I’m dreading showing up in your clothing and having her ask questions.” She groans into his chest. 

“Oh, while you were asleep, I ran your clothes through the wash and dryer, you can wear them home.” He points at the neatly folded pile of clothes on his dresser. She is briefly embarrassed that he touched her dirty underwear, but it quickly passes. 

“You did that?” 

“Uh, yeah?” He seems confused at her disbelief. Nobody has ever done things for her, she didn’t expect him to just take it upon himself to do something like that for her. 

“Thank you, that means a lot.” A confused, but ultimately endearing smile spreads across his face. 

She moves to get out of bed, almost forgetting she’s not wearing pants, and hears Ben cough behind her, red in the face. 

It’s amazingly fun to rile him up. She dresses in front of him, the opposite of a strip tease. When she looks back, he acts like he wasn’t watching her. 

Ignoring the obvious bulge in his pants, he dresses himself as well with Rey not pretending to not watch. 

He sits down next to her on the bed. “Rey, you have no idea how much all this meant to me today.” 

“Really?” 

“I’d really like to go out with you sometime.” He interlocks his fingers through hers on the bed. 

“Okay,” she smiles at their hands. “That sounds good.” On the inside, she’s jumping off the walls. 

He kisses her briefly on the cheek before she hops out of his car, which feels incredibly chaste for the things they’d done. She offers him a slight wave from the porch when he drives off. Maz gives her a look, but says nothing other than a polite greeting. 

After taking her second shower of the day, though she dreads taking the scent of him off her skin, she sits down for probably one of the most awkward dinners of her life. 

Maz brings up Ben and little stories about his childhood, that Rey almost feels like older women shouldn’t be telling her, but it’s so obvious Maz is aware of the things Rey did. 

Snuggled into her bed that night, she can’t help but feel like her bed is empty without him. She’s scared at how easily her attachment to him is growing. 

When she answers the home phone the next day to hear the voice that coos her in her dreams, she panics and hangs up. 



Chapter Text

“I’ll be back. Promise.” 

The face has blurred over the years. Maybe when she was younger she could picture the shape of the nose and color of her eyes. 

Her smell, cigarettes and peaches, and the feel of her soft hands wiping away tears never goes away.Her mother was attempting to be comforting, but soon gave that up. Like she did her. 

Dad sat in the car, smoking a cigarette, the ones that make her cough, but she liked the smell of them. She didn’t like Dad that much, though. Mom, she thought, genuinely tried sometimes. 

When they pulled up to the gas station, Mom and Dad were fighting up front, words she didn’t quite understand. Rey was okay enough to continue scribbling with the crayons mom made her take from the last diner they went to. 

Her head popped up when mom slammed the car door, opened Rey’s door, leaned over to unbuckle her from the seat, and told her to get out of the car. 

Mom was crying and her makeup was smeared around her face. She knelt down to Rey’s level outside of the car. 

“Your Dad and I have to go do something. You’ll stay here.” Mom leaned back into the car to grab the blanket Rey carried around with her. She took the blanket and held it tight to her little body. 

“Can’t I come?” She loved her mom, so much. She missed her when they would leave her sleeping in the car at night. 

“No, sweetheart.” Rey started crying, she couldn’t help it, she just wanted her mother. 

Her mother wiped away the tears before pulling her into her body, wrapping her arms tight around her. 

“I’ll be back. Promise,” she sniffled into her hair. 

“O-kay,” the small form sobbed against her mother's breast. 

Quickly, her mother disentangled herself and hopped back into the rusty old car. Rey walked over to the building and sat back against the wall, wrapping the blanket around herself. 

She watched her parents drive away, but her mother couldn’t look at her. 

When the police picked her up after dark, she couldn’t help but scream for her mother. The owner had called after Rey refused to move from her place against the wall. 

A nice woman in uniform picked her up and let her beat against her back without getting mad. Maybe she understood the situation far greater than Rey did in that moment. The lady knew her mother wasn’t coming back. 

“Come back!” Rey screamed into the night as she was plopped into the backseat, tears rolling hot down her face, blankie clutched to her chest. 

Drug addicts weren’t a thing Rey knew about. The dots only connected years later when one of her many foster parents hissed at her “no-good crack baby” after Rey dropped her dinner plate, breaking the glass and splattering food. 

She lost her dinner privileges for a couple days. 

Trusting people is hard. Anyone she’s ever had to rely on has hurt her. 

The door of Rey’s life is made to be run out of. 


 

Surprisingly, all of Rey’s hair has yet to fall out, even with the amount she is pulling it at the moment. 

Ben called, and she just hung up. 

Hearing his voice, it caused something in her to freak. All he said was “Hi, is this Rey?” 

That one sentence set off every alarm in her head. 

She stuttered a couple indecipherable sounds before furiously pushing the end call button. He called back almost immediately, but Rey couldn’t do it. 

The weekend is almost over. At school, he’ll ignore her like before. 

Thankfully, Maz was out of the house when he called.  Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been able to ignore the second and third ringing. 

It’s almost too much. What she feels for him. 

How she still feels him, moving within her. She woke up this morning with a pain between her legs. Her insides were sore, not that she minded the pain. It only served as a reminder of an experience she’ll never have again. 

Maybe it’s the way her heart leaps out of her chest whenever she remembers a specific moment between them. Nuzzling herself into his chest, his absent minded caresses, him shaking over her. She’d never felt so close to another. 

It’s all going to come crashing down around her. He’s probably embarrassed to have slept with her. 

She barely gets a wink of sleep. She’s going through the motions, avoiding hard questions from Maz, putting on her clothes that other girls are revolted by, trying to be invisible. 

He’ll leave, he’ll run out. Like dad, like mom. 

Her classmates whisper and look at each other whenever she enters the classroom. Laughing to themselves, wrongly assuming she doesn’t understand the source of hilarity. She curls in on herself, trying to seem smaller than she is. 

By lunch, she can’t take it anymore. Instead of going to the lunch room, she runs out the back door of the school to the walkway between the buildings and the football fields. 

Immediately she begins walking back and forth, counting her three steps within the squares. The rooms facing the walkway are mostly storage and the teachers’ lounge, she’s not worried about anyone seeing her. The fields are empty, everyone's inside for lunch. 

She’s alone, like she’s always been, and it’s crushing. Ben will leave, she knows it. 

Rey pulls her sweatshirt tighter around herself, repeating step after step as her mind swims through the humiliation. 

She’s not sure how long she paces, but eventually her mind calms to where she’s not on the verge of screaming. Though, some amount of tears managed to slip past. 

After all that time of wondering what it felt like to be held, to be that close, she’ll never get it again.

Sex-obsessed creep. 

Leaning against the concrete outer wall, she buries her face in her hands and slides to the ground. The weight of shame is more than she can bear. 

Similar to her state of mind, it feels as though a cloud has come over her with a sudden coolness on her skin. 

“Rey?” 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity, fuck. 

Peeking up through tears, she sees Ben Solo, looking so beautiful, staring down at her. The sun's glow framing his head like the savior himself. 

“What–what are you doing here?” She rasps through sniffles. 

“I have gym,” he gestures to the basketball shorts and hoodie, “ but I saw you.” 

He sees me. 

She had sex with this person and now she can’t look him in the eye. 

A hand lifts her chin, Ben’s kneeling in front of her, eyes intense and dark. His plush lips purse as he wipes away the tears framing her eyes with his thumb. 

Her heart jumps into her throat. Rey just wants to nuzzle into his hand and never leave it. 

“Why did you hang up?” He asks it more like an invitation to speak than a question. 

Her head drifts off to the side as she shrugs and shakes her head. 

The rest of his class is on the far field, too far away to see them. 

“Rey, if you don’t want this thing between us to keep happening, you have to tell me.” His voice cracks a little at the end. 

“It won’t work.” Her words are thick with despair. 

Meeting his gaze again, there’s tears pooling in his eyes, mirroring her. 

“We can try, can’t we?” 

Maybe, for him she will. If it will make him happy and this ugly feeling swallowing her go away. 

“Is that what you want?” 

He moves next to her, leaning back against the same wall. Taking her hand from its place wrapped around her knee, he kisses the back of it. “Yes,” he murmurs. 

Rey lays her head on his shoulder. Ben let’s their hands drop and noses into her hair. He wants me. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, maybe to him or another version of herself. She can trust him, she can try. 

“It's okay, I’m here.”  Lifting her hand with his hand, their lips meet and Rey sighs into a feeling that could be happiness. 


 

Soon enough, Rey feels more comfortable with Ben than any home she’s ever known. Maz loves to have him over for dinner, but Rey doesn’t like going over to Ben’s as much. 

His parents are extremely different people. Leia, workaholic, stoic, and determined. Han, carefree, hilarious, and easily angered. 

During the first dinner that Ben had invited her to, Han and Leia left in the middle to scream at each other in the kitchen, like they couldn’t hear them clearly from one room over. 

Ben shoved his chair back, took Rey by the hand, against her protests, and dragged her out of the house. In his car, he drove them to the old stone quarry and parked in the shade of a couple trees. 

He had her right in the car, frustration and anger burning through him, but Rey didn’t mind. She was glad to be his coping mechanism, and it’s not like she didn’t get anything out of it. 

Covered in sweat and fluids, he whispered his apologies afterward. He held her and covered her face in kisses, she had never felt more needed. She had never felt more loved. 

Ben stops hanging out with his teammates outside of practice and Rey becomes closer with Rose from her history class. She and Ben sit with Rose and her boyfriend Finn at lunch. Rey actually eats the school lunch now. Everyone at her lunch table does, she doesn’t feel self-conscious of it anymore. 

Rey couldn’t dream of a world where she wakes up alone anymore, she could however fathom a world if she woke up and it was only Ben and her. 

Every so often, Rey hears whispers. 

Why is he dating her?” 

“They deserve each other, he’s hideous and she's a freak, how poetic.” 

Yes, how poetic. 

Ben’s old friends regard her with looks of hatred. Nothing new in that respect. 

Rose is the best friend she’s never had. They go shopping together, since Rose is an “expert thrift shopper” and finds clothes for Rey that are not ugly with the little amount of allowance Maz had given her. 

As a joke, she buys knee high socks and a pleated plaid skirt, Rose encourages her, laughing all the while. 

The first time Ben sees her wearing them is when she visits while his parents are away, suddenly the skirt isn’t a joke anymore.

Sometimes, they fight. When Ben is ignoring her to play Xbox with Finn, or when Rey is letting her fears get to her, ignoring his texts for hours. 

They make up in one way or another. Crying in the others’ arms, or yelling until passion takes over and they take out their anger with their bodies. 

Sometimes, Rey reverts to her old ways. She throws on the baggy jeans and bleach-stained hoodies and looks at Ben all day. 

It’s harder to do now because he knows her schedule, but sometimes she just likes to watch him as he walks in front of her in the hallways. She can admire the way he is without disruption. Tall body and swaying hair and bow legged walk, but at the end of the day, she’ll kiss him senseless in his car, if only to rub it in the face of her past self. 

She also remembers on these days that Ben is more than the version she pined over. He is frustratingly stubborn and angry and insecure. He’s always correct and Rey can’t help but feel a little small around him sometimes, not in the way she likes to feel small.

But he’s also so forgiving and understanding and loving. Ben’s her anchor with his hand or his mouth or his cock, he’s there to make her feel loved.

His parents’ behaviors have affected him deeply like her. When Han leaves and doesn’t come back for a month, Ben is a wreck. 

She had assumed that Ben was living the perfect life that she had always wanted with money and parents at his disposal. Rey is his shoulder to cry on when Leia takes her own anger and grief out on him, yelling about his shortcomings in every area of his life. Rey is there for him, as he was there for her. 

Laying in his arms on the couch, snow falling outside the window, reindeers and snowmen singing on the television, he holds her tight. She rubs her nose against his, his beautiful nose, and lets herself be grateful. 

Maybe this won’t last after she walks across the stage in June, maybe it will and they have to survive long distance and college life without each other, but Rey isn’t worrying about that right now. 

Rey has Ben, and he hasn’t run out yet.