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I live next door to a haunted bookshop owned by an immortal cryptid bastard. AMA!

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r/AmITheAsshole

3.8k · Posted by u/wahoo666 4 months ago

AITA for losing the Antichrist?

This happened 11 years ago but the other person involved keeps jabbering on about it and it’s very hard to win an argument with him when he has that in his arsenal, so I’m putting it to the hive mind. 

I was tasked by my boss with making sure that the Antichrist ended up with the right parents. I mean that literally; had him in a basket (before it went to Hell in a hand basket, ha ha ha), was supposed to give him to Mummy and Daddy Antichrist, fudged it. Hell of a job, I know, but in my defence, it was literally a Hell of a job.

I have to be vague here, because I’m fairly sure that my boss is an avid Reddit user and I don’t want him to recognise the scenario from this post and find out who I am, but to cut a long story short, I made a bit of a mistake, a nun wouldn’t shut up, and it turns out that I gave the Antichrist to the wrong parents, which I only found out a few months ago and nearly caused the end of the world, but not in a cool way.

I absolutely maintain that if the nun had just shut up, none of this would ever have happened and my mistake could have been rectified, but my business partner insists that I should have paid more attention to the basket with the Antichrist in it and less attention to how my legs looked in that nun’s habit. He’s really very smug about it and I want to know if I would be justified in telling him to let it go after 11 years and making fun of how his socks match his bow tie instead. AITA?

Edit: I’m banned from replying to comments because apparently I’m a ‘troll’, but to everyone who judged me TA, I hope you like gone off milk, because yours is on the turn. 

 


 

r/dating

876 · Posted by u/wahoo666 3 months ago

I have no idea how to be any more obvious

I mean, I literally have a sculpture of the two of us wrestling naked in my flat, and the first thing he said when he saw it was “ooh, that’s almost neoclassical in form, isn’t it?” and then he opened my fridge, wrinkled his nose in that way he does when he wants me to eat more, even though he knows that my vessel of flesh has no need for mortal sustenance, and turned my mouldy old cheddar into a Danish blue.

What else can I do to make him realise? I’ve tried all the classic moves - putting my arm around his shoulders surreptitiously as we’re sat on the sofa, taking him out for a 9 course meal at the Ritz, miracling his living room carpet into a breathtaking spread of Peruvian Lilies and Chrysanthemums, and all he ever does is say “thank you, dear,” and that’s it. I’m completely out of options.

I just don’t know what else I can do. And if any of you say ‘talk to him’, I’ll cut holes in the crotch of all your favourite jeans, because that is NOT an option. I’d rather have a holy water enema. 

Edit: Sorry about your jeans, everyone, but in my defence, I did say that talking to him wasn’t an option.

 


 

u/wahoo666

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COMMENTS

 

wahoo666 commented on Why are my onions so rotten? Help! · r/gardening · posted by u/jeansimmonds

wahoo666 94  · 5 days ago

They found out that you’ve been sneaking off with the milkman when your husband’s at the office, and this is payback. They always find out, Jean. Always.

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on Why are my onions so rotten? Help! · r/gardening · posted by u/jeansimmonds

wahoo666 33 · 5 days ago

Oh, no. I wouldn’t say that everyone knows. But the onions certainly do.

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on Hi, Hell? Can you take Trump back, please? · r/politics · posted by u/iluvkatz

wahoo666 46 · 5 days ago

Don’t blame Hell for this one. He’s all yours.

 

wahoo666 commented on TIL that hospitals wrap preemie babies in clingfilm to keep them warm · r/todayilearned · posted by u/funfactz

wahoo666 616 · 5 days ago

I’m not SAYING that I invented clingfilm. I’m just saying that it was my idea.

 

wahoo666 commented on Fuchsia not growing, not sure why · r/gardening · posted by u/pleflora

wahoo666 594 · 5 days ago

Have you tried screaming at it? Fuchsias are irritatingly difficult to motivate, but a few choice words about how they’ll never be as pink as the camellias unless they bloody try, interspersed with some French swear words, should do it.

 

wahoo666 commented on STOP PRETENDING GOD LOVES GAYS HE DOESN’T [deleted] · r/christianity · posted by [deleted]

wahoo666 88 · 5 days ago

Oh, of COURSE, you're right. The Bible wasn’t written down by humans and was, in fact, hand-scribed by God Herself. How silly of me. I forgot the bit that comes just before page 1, when God comes down to Earth and asks to borrow a pen.

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on STOP PRETENDING GOD LOVES GAYS HE DOESN’T [deleted] · r/christianity · posted by [deleted]

wahoo666 150 · 5 days ago

I said what I said.

 


 

r/relationships

213 · Posted by u/wahoo666 5 days ago

My (6000?) best friend (6000?) gave me a cake and I think I ruined everything

He knows I don’t eat cake. He knows. So when he gave it to me, I assumed he’d just watched an episode of Bake Off or something and was trying to outdo Paul Hollywood. Plus, if he wants cake, he can just magic it out of thin air, so how was I supposed to know that he’d spent 6 hours baking it? So, like an idiot, I just dissipated it, and then he went off in a strop, and now he won’t even talk to me about harpsichords, and he loves harpsichords, so I know something’s wrong.

I have no idea why he's so upset. I've asked him, but he just keeps pouting and telling me that I'll figure it out eventually. I even miracled the cake back into existence and he just said it wasn't the same when it was miracled.

How do I fix it?

Edit: No, I don't know why he likes harpsichords so much.

 


 

r/IAmA

82.5k · Posted by u/grahamnortonsbeard 5 days ago

I live next door to a haunted bookshop owned by an immortal cryptid bastard. AMA! 

Before anyone reports this to the mods, I got this AMA authorised by posting proof to a mod, so there.

Hi, Reddit! I’m no-one special, but about 6 months ago, I moved into a flat above a cafe next door to a bookshop, and my life has never been the same since, because the man who runs the bookshop is some sort of (mostly) benevolent eldritch being. By all accounts, he hasn’t aged a day since at least 1944, sometimes he seems to have just too many eyes, and I once saw him turn water into wine (a nice rosé). His coworker / best friend / boyfriend / shadow entity is also definitely some kind of cryptid, but despite trying harder to be a bastard, he’s somehow less successful at it.

So, if you have any questions about what it’s like to live next door to an eternal bastard man, AMA!

 

chikinhuggetz 1.3k · 5 days ago

 Wh… what proof did you provide to the mods??

    grahamnortonsbeard 412 · 5 days ago

    OH, great question! I messaged them an old photo of the bookshop owner, plus a selfie I took with him last week.

       chickinhuggetz 512 · 5 days ago

       And how did that prove that he’s a cryptid…?

         grahamnortonsbeard 781 · 5 days ago

          Because the old photo was from 1891.

             chickinhuggetz 429 · 5 days ago

             Oh. Yep. That’ll do it.

             corvid16 313 · 5 days ago

             How do you know its a photo of him though and not just some historical dude who looks like him

                grahamnortonsbeard 572 · 5 days ago

                Because he keeps a copy of it in his wallet and it says ‘Me and Oscar, 1891’ on it.

       cheesusbb 262 · 5 days ago

       LMAOAOAO did you get a photo with his less-bastardy pal?

          grahamnortonsbeard 444 · 5 days ago

          You know what, I actually tried, but as soon as I took the photo, my phone battery exploded. What a coincidence :/ :/ :/

             cheesusbb 130 · 5 days ago

             Maybe the lesser bastard just doesn’t vibe w having his photo taken

                grahamnortonsbeard 225 · 5 days ago

                He seemed kind of bummed about it, actually! Went all pouty and was like “my hair looked good in that one, too.” 

                  janeseemore 98 · 5 days ago

                   pros… ur immortal and ageless. cons... u can never take a selfie for the gram. wyd

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mercuteio 1.2k · 5 days ago

 Have you ever done a Ouja (sp?) board in the bookshop? If its haunted then maybe youd get some good content for like a YT channel lol

    grahamnortonsbeard 991 · 5 days ago

    Oh maaaaan, I feel like no-one’s going to believe me, but. OK. So I haven’t done one because I’ve seen The Exorcist, thanks, but my idiot friend once brought one round to my flat when he was cat-sitting for me and did it while I was away, and I got a terrified phone call at 3am with him just screaming down the phone “THE DEMON WON’T STOP SPELLING OUT ‘WAHOO’ ON THE FUCKING OUIJA BOARD” so there’s that.

       wahoo666 616 · 5 days ago

       Wahoo.

          timothychalagay 571 · 5 days ago

          i know ur not op’s demon friend but i want to believe

             wahoo666 383 · 5 days ago

             In my defence, I did also ask him to turn the music down. He was blasting Enya rather loudly for a Tuesday night.

                grahamnortonsbeard 466 · 5 days ago

                OK, now I’m legit shitting myself because my friend, despite being a 22 year old man, is a huge Enya fan. u/wahoo666 can you PM me or something, I’m freaking out

                   Fedorable 390 · 5 days ago

                   Did… did OP just summon an actual demon to this thread

                     grahamnortonsbeard 221 · 5 days ago

                      I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

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yakultsavedmyass 1.1k · 5 days ago

 Hi, Graham Norton’s Beard! Excellent show on the weekend, I must say. Looking more lustrous than ever. Anywho, here’s my question: you call your neighbour - and I quote - an ‘immortal cryptid bastard’. Reading through the replies, it’s pretty clear why you think he’s an immortal cryptid, but what makes him a bastard?

    grahamnortonsbeard 3.4k · 5 days ago [gold award x3]

    Ohhhh that’s a good question. It all starts with the first time I met him officially. Me, being nothing but a smalltown boy, born and raised in South Detroit (aka Somerset), decided to go next door and introduce myself to my neighbours. So, turning on my smalltown charm, I spend all morning baking an absolutely fucking phenomenal coffee and walnut cake, and I decorate it with white fondant, and pipe ‘Nice to meet you!’ on top in absolutely perfect lettering, because I did Catering at GCSE and I’m not letting that stellar education go to waste, thanks. Then I put on my raincoat, because I live in England and it’s perpetually raining, and I rush next door, cake in hand, and I present it to Mr Bastard himself. 

    (Addendum: his shop is WEIRD AS FUCK and also possibly a fold in time and space but that’s an answer for another question)

    Now, here’s the thing about the Bastard Man. Upon first glance, he has no bastard qualities whatsoever. Seriously, it’s creepy just how much of a not-bastard he appears. An anti-bastard. Like, usually when you meet someone, you can sense a bit of hidden bastardry beneath the surface, but this guy? Pure as the driven snow. He doesn’t smile so much as beams with the force of a thousand suns. And I mean that literally. He smiled at me when he saw the cake, and it fucking STOPPED RAINING. The sun came out and it was like we were in the Bahamas. Within literally ten seconds of meeting the dude, I want to, like, confess all my sins and receive divine absolution from him. He really is that nice. He also dresses like a homosexual schoolteacher from the 1800s but you know what, that’s a big mood, so I can move past that.

    ANYWAY, he says - VERBATIM, I wrote it down straight after because I was so fucking perplexed - “hello, my dear! Are you our new esteemed neighbour? And might that be a chocolate cake?” So obviously, I a. wondered if I’d somehow fallen through a fucking time vortex and ended up in the pages of an Austen novel and b. told him that yes, ‘twas I, and no, sorry, it’s a coffee and walnut cake. 

    And then - I shit you the fuck not - it starts raining again. For literally 2 seconds. Mr Bastard’s face falls, ever so slightly, and then the rain stops, and he just says, like an absolute bastard, “ah, you seem to be mistaken. That, my dear, is an absolutely exquisite chocolate cake!” 

    So at this point I’m just like… OK, dude, if you want to think that, then fine, live your best life, but I fucking made it, so I think I would know. I don’t say that, obviously, because I wasn’t raised in a barn, but just know that I was very, very confused. So I say, “well, would you like to try a piece?” and then Sir Bastard-a-lot is just holding a knife - no, literally, he doesn’t even pick it up; one second he’s empty-handed, and then he’s holding a knife, which bodes super well for humanity if he ever decides to try his hand at serial murder - and he takes the cake, and he rests it lovingly on the desk, and he cuts into it.

    And it’s a fucking chocolate cake.

    The bastard literally bent MATTER and defied the laws of physics because he doesn’t like coffee cake. 

    Tell me that’s not the power move of an Alpha Bastard.

       biskittens 813 · 5 days ago

       hi are you mckidding me 

          jorjemichael 656 · 5 days ago

          News just in: local cryptid man confirmed as alpha bastard

             snowkone77 518 · 5 days ago 

             has anyone let boris johnson know that his position has been filled

                grahamnortonsbeard 999 · 5 days ago

                Hilariously, Lord Bastard once asked me if he should dye his hair pink because he didn’t want to share a hair colour with BoJo.

                   biskittens 412 · 5 days ago

                   Lord Bastard’s a blonde?!

                      y2k20 201 · 5 days ago

                      the pamela anderson of cryptids

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          99greenballoons 599 · 1 day ago

          What, and I say this with all the love in the world, the FUCK

         wahoo666 512 · 5 days ago

          Well, you could’ve brought a chocolate cake in the first place. He’s never liked coffee cake.

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tibetanskunk 1.0k · 1 day ago

 OP!! IS THIS THE BOOKSHOP IN SOHO (not gonna name it because I don’t wanna risk your privacy) BECAUSE IF SO, THEN HOO BOY, I GOTTA STORY FOR YOU

    grahamnortonsbeard 986 · 5 days ago

    Yes! Oh GOD, don’t tell me he’s been Bastarding around like a rent-a-bastard.

       tibetanskunk 819 · 5 days ago

       HAHAHA no dw, this happened in the bookshop! I live in the US but I did my undergrad at QMUL and I tried to buy some of my course textbooks from THE SHOP THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED, and first of all, it took 17 attempts to get there when it was actually open, and secondly, when I finally got inside, the owner was there with this tall ginger dude, and they were literally arguing about who had the worst year in 1536. Bookshop dude was like “you knew that George and Anne had done nothing of the sort!” and ginger chap was waving his hand airily and going “there was no telling Cranmer, you know that” and bookshop dude sighed super wearily and was like “Henry was never the same after you got him into jousting.” Literally. What. The Fuck. Either these dudes are super into LARPing or you’re right and they’re both immortal cryptid bastard men. 

          grahamnortonsbeard 635 · 5 days ago

          Haaaaaa yeah, they do that a lot. I once overheard Bookshop Bastard just go “but you weren’t even IN the trenches!”

          linnetspinnet 777 · 5 days ago

          Oh GOD there’s two of them.

             nancypoo 412 · 5 days ago

             Let!! Them!! Be!! Bastards!! 

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billieeyelash 996 · 5 days ago

 I saw from other comments that this is That Bookshop in Soho, so my question is kinda simple: how the FUCK do you get inside?! I’ve been past it like, 61825 times, and every single time it’s fucking closed. It’s harder to get inside that dusty old book graveyard than it is to get into London’s most exclusive celeb nightclubs. Have you picked up any secrets through proximity, OP?

   grahamnortonsbeard 1.0k · 5 days ago

    Never tested it myself but I have noticed that the majority of people who manage to enter on their first attempt are carrying some sort of sweet pastry, so I guess maybe just stand outside holding, like, a brioche and see if the doors open? It’s as good a plan as any.

       Tiresiass 912 · 5 days ago

       Not OP but I can confirm that I actually went to That Bookshop last week. I didn’t even intend to. I was walking past and I’d just picked up a box of macarons for my nan, and the doors just flew open, this angelic looking dude came out, invited me in for a cup of tea, asked me where I got the macarons, told me I was a delight, and then I got home and found out that I’d been accepted to my first choice university despite having failed 2 A Levels. So, uh, make of that what you will.

          imakaren 701 · 5 days ago

          Did you just get a guardian angel by giving him a fucking macaron

             yakultsavedmyass 496 · 5 days ago

             And on the Eighth Day, God did decree that macarons were fucking tight, actually

               wahoo666 7 · 5 days ago

                Oh, don’t give Heaven the credit for those. Macarons are one of ours. It’s the tooth cavities, you see.

                   irisgoogoo 75 · 5 days ago

                   lmao ooh spooky hellboy, i’m cutting myself on all your edge. get out of ur mom’s basement dude

                     wahoo666 16 · 5 days ago

                      Enjoy the papercuts.

                         irisgoogoo 3 · 5 days ago

                         ok what the FUCK dude i just nearly sliced my finger off on a tax bill

                           wahoo666 8 · 5 days ago

                            Don’t look at me. I’m just an innocent basement dweller.

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       ianbealesmum 516 · 5 days ago

       Hahaha it’s so weird seeing so many people who have been to the same bookshop! Like many here, I figured it out from the comments but won’t name it for the sake of OP’s privacy. Just thought I’d add my own two cents - I went to this bookshop when I was visiting family (I’m in Philly, my mom lives in London but she has MS so I’m trying to move over), and it was definitely closed when I went up to the door, but then this lanky ginger dude came up from behind me, carrying a tray of brownies, and the doors just flung open and this curly-haired blond dude invites us both in for tea and cake. It was surreal but I sat with them for like two hours, learned a surprising amount about 13th century bookbinding techniques, and then three days later I heard that my mom’s MS was in remission. So. Yeah.

          grahamnortonsbeard 444 · 5 days ago

          See, now I feel bad for calling him a bastard like 900 times.

             ianbealesmum 385 · 5 days ago

             Ha, well, if it helps, at one point he sent ginger dude into the kitchen to get napkins, then revealed to me that he’d had a monogrammed set hidden in his jacket pocket the entire time.

                grahamnortonsbeard 379 · 5 days ago

                NOW THAT’S MY CRYPTID BASTARD MAN

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wahoo666 4 · 5 days ago

 Funny how you can know someone literally since the world began, and yet you read one Reddit thread and realise you never quite understood their relationship to cake until now.

 




u/wahoo666

SORT • NEW

COMMENTS

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on Is it supposed to look like this? · r/baking · posted by u/wahoo666

wahoo666 7 · 2 days ago

I don’t even know what yeast is, but it sounds disgusting.

 

wahoo666 commented on What do you think of my drawing of the assassination of Caesar? · r/history · posted by u/nomanemperor

wahoo666 119 · 3 days ago

I could start listing the inaccuracies, but we’d be here for hours. For a start why would I be wearing a trabea? What was I, a jockey?

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on What do you think of my drawing of the assassination of Caesar? · r/history · posted by u/nomanemperor

wahoo666 99 · 3 days ago

Because I was there, obviously.

 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on What do you think of my drawing of the assassination of Caesar? · r/history · posted by u/nomanemperor

wahoo666 123 · 3 days ago

‘Like fuck were you there,’ says the person who’s just (badly) drawn me stabbing an emperor to death.

 

wahoo666 commented on I’ve loved her for 10 years. I finally asked her out. · r/dating · posted by u/oncloud9

wahoo666 301 · 4 days ago

Oh, big whoop. You waited 10 years? I’ll send the medal in the post. Try 6 millennia, and then post your inspirational story.

 

wahoo666 commented on My (16F) brother (17M) called me by my deadname as a ‘joke’ yesterday and won’t apologize · r/relationships · posted by u/tabrother16

wahoo666 3 · 4 days ago

Your esteemed brother is about to be called in for a VERY uncomfortable meeting with the headmaster for some particularly spicy memes he ‘accidentally’ sent to the entire school. Whoopsie.

 

wahoo666 commented on What was the military strategy of the Spartans during the Peloponnesian War? · r/askhistorians · posted by u/oncloud9

wahoo666 215 · 5 days ago

Why do you keep asking me to cite my sources? I’ve told you a thousand times, I was there! How much primary can a source get?

 


 

r/PublicFreakout

67.3k · Posted by u/wildnightz 4 days ago

Surprisingly snake-hipped dude screams at a buddleia

[The attached video was clearly filmed from an upstairs window in early evening in London, in a fairly inconspicuous sidestreet. Two men, one ginger and wearing sunglasses and the other rather angelic and wearing a waistcoat, are walking down the pavement, arm in arm. The camera is trained on an unusual bird, which might be a parakeet, perched on the roof of the house opposite; the two men seem almost irrelevant to the cameraman.

Suddenly, Sunglasses stops walking, puts his free hand on his hip, and glares at a somewhat pathetic buddleia bush growing half-heartedly in someone’s front garden.]

Sunglasses: Now, what do we have here?

Waistcoat: Do let’s not, we were having such a lovely—

Sunglasses: Oh, come on. I’m hardly going to just walk past that, am I? I might be cruel and evil and so on, but that’s just insulting. 

Waistcoat: It’s doing its best.

Sunglasses: It’s not, and you know it’s not.

Waistcoat: Well, perhaps it just needs some gentle encouragement. [he turns to the buddleia bush] Now, you just listen here; think of how lovely and purple you could be, if you only—

Sunglasses: [yelling like an absolute madman] —STOPPED BEING SUCH AN INFERNAL DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOUR GENUS. ‘BUTTERFLY BUSH?’ THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF THESE DAYS? YOU’RE BARELY A MOTH. 

Waistcoat: I think that’s—

Sunglasses: [still yelling] I’ve seen more impressive plumage on a plucked chicken, you pathetic, useless waste of space! If I don’t see twice as many blossoms on you by this time tomorrow, I’m calling all the neighbourhood dogs over, and they’ll all take it in turns to use your leaves as toilet paper, and after that, I’ll rip you out of the ground with my bare hands, pulp you, and send you off to be made into the next Twilight book. Do I make myself clear?

[a beat; perhaps unsurprisingly, the buddleia does not reply]

Sunglasses: [voice low; it’s somehow scarier] I said, do I make myself clear?

[it must just be the wind, of course, but the buddleia bush seems to nod]

Sunglasses: Right. Good-o. I’ll be back, you know. And if you haven’t pulled your socks up, well. [he draws his finger across his throat] Edward Cullen will be scintillating all over you.

Waistcoat: [sighing] Oh, must you? You know how I hate that word. 

Sunglasses: We all do, angel. Not my finest work, that one.

Waistcoat: I wish you’d never given Ms Meyer that vampire dream. 

Sunglasses: Hindsight’s 20/20, isn’t it?

Waistcoat: Quite. [He looks up at Sunglasses, and even from this distance, you can tell he’s beaming something rotten] I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight, you know. Somewhere nice.

Sunglasses: Oh, you were, were you? 

Waistcoat: I’ll pay, of course.

Sunglasses: No you bloody won’t.

[The two of them begin to walk off, and Sunglasses looks over his shoulder again at the buddleia, gesturing with two fingers that he’s watching]

Cameraman: Right, well. That’s going viral, isn’t it.

 

grahamnortonsbeard 698 · 2 days ago

 I’M PISSING MYSELF, THESE ARE THE CRYPTID BASTARD MEN

    yasmine2 546 · 2 days ago

    Omg is that you from the AMA that went viral?!

       grahamnortonsbeard 599 · 2 days ago

       LMAO YES, I was on Buzzfeed thanks to these guys!!!

          yasmine2 413 · 2 days ago

          Wait is this like legit them

             grahamnortonsbeard 751 · 2 days ago

             YES!!! Cross my heart and hope to die (unlike these immortal bastard gardeners) 

    Bananananana 366 · 2 days ago

    is it weird that i think they’re kind of cute together… like i know they’re obviously chthonic beings with a dark past and possibly the power to bend matter to their will BUT look at the way the one in the waistcoat looks at the shouty one :) :) :) :) aww :) :) :) 

       grahamnortonsbeard 111 · 2 days ago

       They’re probably way cuter when you don’t know that they frequently have wine-fuelled rows about whether Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy (waistcoat dude) or a comedy (sunglasses dude)

          Bananananana 163 · 2 days ago

          pretty sure that makes it cuter lmfao

             grahamnortonsbeard 300· 2 days ago

             Damn, you’re right. Wait, do I ship my neighbours now?

    gunshotbabe 323· 2 days ago

    So the ginger guy is the bookshop owner then? Seeing as you said the bookshop owner was the bastard one?

       grahamnortonsbeard 109· 2 days ago

       Lmao no, don’t let appearances fool you. Blondie is bookshop dude. Ginger is the Daphne to his Fred.

          gunshotbabe 121· 2 days ago

          But he looks so nice!!!! Are you sure?

             grahamnortonsbeard 186· 2 days ago

             Yup. That’s how he lures you in. He seems all nice and harmless and lovely and then BAM, he’s making a surprisingly cutting remark about Anne of Cleves.

    Jamjarz 225· 2 days ago

    So… if these are the immortal cryptid bastard men of viral fame… what’s the betting that the buddleia bush absolutely fucking BLOSSOMED after they left

       grahamnortonsbeard 253· 2 days ago

       Honestly, it’s probably taken over that poor person’s entire front garden by now.

          wildnightz 360· 2 days ago

          … it has.

 

wahoo666 127 · 2 days ago

Millennials. You can’t even have a nice walk and do some gardening without being filmed and going viral these days.

 


 

u/wahoo666

SORT • TOP

POSTS

 

33.4k Self-portrait in a trilby

r/SnakesWithHats · Posted by u/wahoo666 1 year ago

 

21.9k Me wearing my best friend’s sombrero

r/SnakesWithHats · Posted by u/wahoo666 1 year ago

 

20.1k I (~6,000?) am about to start a new and very intense job with my best friend (~6,000?) who doesn’t know I’m in love with him - how do I stop him ever finding out?

r/relationships · Posted by u/wahoo666 6 months ago

 

17.3k Me in my friend’s bowler hat, 1945

r/SnakesWithHats · Posted by u/wahoo666 1 year ago

 


 

/r/tifu

17.6k · Posted by u/tifuthrowaway67 3 days ago

TIFU by trying to buy a book at a bookshop

I’ve been trying to get my hands on this edition of Teleny (weird gay Victorian erotica, possibly but probably not co-authored or edited by Oscar Wilde) for literally years now. It’s important for my reputation and your sanity to note that I’m a post doctoral researcher looking into the depiction of trauma in queer erotica, not just a perv who wants to read old books about people fucking themselves to death with a wine bottle (not to kinkshame, but the Victorians were really, really weird.) 

Anyway, one of my antiquarian book contacts told me that this bookshop in Soho might have a copy, because they have a whole bunch of first edition Wildes, and seeing as I was going to an academic conference at UCL that week, I decided to make a detour on the way home and go via this bookshop (edit: have removed the name of the bookshop as per mods’ request, sorry about that) and see if I could pick up Teleny. 

So I go inside the bookshop, and the first thing I notice is that it smells like grandma. You know that kind of mildewy smell that you only get with really old things and also people? That. Now, to an antiquarian book fanatic, that smell is just about the best smell ever, because it can mean only one thing: super old books. Or possibly your grandad, which is also very good. Anyway, I noticed the bookshop owner, a middle-aged bloke wearing a duck egg blue bowtie and a beige lounge suit straight out of Oscar Wilde’s leisurewear dreams, sitting at the front of the shop, reading an episode of Golf Monthly from June 2015, and immediately I just knew in my historian bones that this place had Teleny. I had a feeling. A sixth sense. 

I’ll spare you the details of going through the Dewey Decimal system to find the book, purely because this book had literally no cataloguing system whatsoever and I eventually found Teleny after THREE HOURS of searching, wedged at the back of a shelf behind a second edition reprint of Treasure Island and about seven hundred editions of Hamlet. I check the price, and I’m pretty sure it says £250, which hey, it’s a lot of money, but maybe the bookshop guy will give me an academic discount. 

So I go up to the till to pay, and the bookshop man, who has apparently given up on Golf Monthly and is now reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace, looks up at me, sees the book in my hand, and I swear that time stops. 

Not literally, obviously. Time can’t stop. But it sure felt like it. 

“Just this, thanks,” I say. 

He stares at me like I’ve just punched his favourite elderly aunt in the kneecaps. 

“I’m sorry, my dear, but that’s not for sale,” he says. “I should have put it in the back, really. It’s, erm, part of my personal collection.”

So obviously I raise my eyebrows, because I know what’s in Teleny, and I know exactly what kind of collection it belongs in, and he turns redder than a beet in July and says, “I collect books that aren’t for sale.”

What.

So I say, “look, you’re asking for £250, and I’ve been trying to find this book for literally years, so I won’t even haggle with you.” Which I think is pretty good of me, honestly, but his eyes just widen like dinner plates, and he’s like, “I think you’ll find that it’s actually £75,000.”

So I laugh, obviously, because what the absolute sweet everlasting fuck is he on about, right, but then he doesn’t laugh back, so I look at the book again, and here, my friends, is how I fucked up:

It absolutely says £75,000, in the biggest, boldest lettering imaginable. It couldn’t be clearer. You don’t even need eyes to see it. There are two manmade things that can be seen from space: the Great Wall of China, and the price on this book. I have absolutely no idea how I misread it as £250. I was so, so sure that it had said £250, and I was like sure, that’s feasible, but £75,000? Clearly, this book is much rarer than I thought. 

So this bookshop guy says, “do you still want to buy it?” And at this point, I swear the smarmy fucker is laughing at me, except that he still looks incredibly gentle and kind, like a teddy bear brought to life, and so I just mumble something about paying the mortgage and stumble out of there like a total cretin, because apparently, despite being a published academic, I can’t fucking read.

TL;DR nearly tried to buy a book that cost £75,000 for 0.3% of the price.

 

grindlebum 1.1k · 3 days ago

 op i’m so sorry that happened to you and i hope you can have like a super productive discussion with ur therapist about it but also can i just on behalf of humanity ask what the fuck you mean by ‘people fucking themselves to death with a wine bottle’ bc that’s a sentence i did not need to read before i died

    tifuthrowaway67 999 · 3 days ago

    The Victorians were into shit that would make EL James blush.

      grindlebum 811 · 3 days ago

       what like sentence structure and character development

 

degrademe 779 · 3 days ago

 OP, I’m sure this is just a coincidence, because the internet is vast and untamed, but did you see that AMA that /u/grahamnortonsbeard did a couple days ago? It was about the world’s weirdest bookshop, and I’m pretty sure you just got reality-bent by a cryptid who didn’t want to sell you a book.

   tifuthrowaway67 601 · 3 days ago

    This is… legit crazy. Yeah, I’ve looked through all the comments there and it seems to be the same place! Huh! Guess dude popped over from another dimension and wants all the books for himself. You know what, big mood. Let him live, I say.

       degrademe 555 · 3 days ago

       I mean, he’s gonna live. Forever. Possibly longer.

          tifuthrowaway67 480 · 3 days ago

          To be fair, that’s probably how long it takes to wipe Teleny from the trauma centre of your brain.

 

grahamnortonsbeard 530 · 3 days ago

 DUDE!!! I got your PM and yeah lmao you 100% came to the Cryptid Bastard Show. I’d like to say welcome to the club, we’ve got t-shirts, but… we don’t. Although a couple of us over on the AMA thread are thinking about making some and donating the proceeds to an LGBTQ charity in honour of Marquis Bastard and his ginger life partner. You in?

    tifuthrowaway67 302 · 3 days ago

    Yeah, sure!   

 

wahoo666 78 · 3 days ago

 God, why on Earth would you want to read Teleny? I knocked that shit out in about half an hour and told everyone Oscar wrote it to try and blackmail him into ending his infuriating campaign of flirtation with my best friend, who definitely was not interested in his puns and shiny hair and lilting Irish brogue. It has no literary merit at all. Like much of his actual work.

    manycolorz 61 · 3 days ago

    U k hun x

   Hightimebabe 30 · 3 days ago

    Show us on this model of a human heart where Oscar Wilde hurt you

   




/r/baking

561 · Posted by u/wahoo666 2 days ago

Is it supposed to look like this?

I tried making a loaf of brioche because I’ve recently come to understand that you don’t actually have to tell someone that you’re madly in love with them after 6 millennia of unbearable romantic tension, you can just prepare baked goods for them instead, but mine looks like something I once scraped off Beelzebub’s shoe. What did I do wrong? http://imgur.com/gallery/78

 

neverurs 18 · 2 days ago

 So maybe a dumb question, but did you activate the yeast before you proved it?

   wahoo666 7 · 2 days ago

    I don’t even know what yeast is, but it sounds disgusting.

       neverurs 9 · 2 days ago

       Right. Well. You know you asked where you went wrong? That’s where.

 

planeflower 13

 I try to encourage people usually but my guy. Give up. Not all of us are born to wear the apron.

   wahoo666 4 · 2 days ago

    I would rather be discorporated than wear an apron.

 

mrfell 7 · 2 days ago

 Well really, dear. I would have thought that after 6,000 years we were rather past the hurdle of communication. And to think, I was just about to pass you a note asking you to tick the box if you liked me. Still, I’m sure your baking efforts can be fixed. It’ll take a miracle, but luckily, I’m rather good at those.

 


 

/u/mrfell

SORT • NEW

COMMENTS

 

mrfell commented on AITA for losing the Antichrist? · r/AmItheAsshole · posted by u/wahoo666

mrfell 24 · 1 day ago

Honestly. It’s not as if I were trying to engage you in an argument in the hopes that it might lead to us kissing ferociously, or anything. That’s the last time I take Anathema’s advice. ‘He’ll get it right away,’ she said. ‘It’s obvious,’ she said. ‘He’s not a total idiot,’ she said.

 

mrfell commented on I have no idea how to be any more obvious. r/dating · posted by u/wahoo666

mrfell 3 · 1 day ago

You’re welcome for the repairs to your favourite jeans, everyone. It was excellent advice. Luckily, one of us took it.

 

mrfell commented on I live next door to a haunted bookshop owned by an immortal cryptid bastard. AMA! rIAmA · posted by u/grahamnortonsbeard

mrfell 810 [gold award] · 1 day ago

Presumably, I have the popularity of this thread to thank for the recent influx of customers? It’s a good thing I’ve got some new Lapsang Souchong in the back. And please don’t worry about any awkwardness between us and our neighbour; we’ve had quite the raucous afternoon reading your comments out loud and it’s really the most fun we’ve had since that night in 1668.

 

mrfell replied to a comment on I live next door to a haunted bookshop owned by an immortal cryptid bastard. AMA! rIAmA · posted by u/grahamnortonsbeard

mrfell 451 · 1 day ago

Well, it’s true. He wasn’t in the trenches. How would he know how bad the biscuits were?

 

mrfell commented on Is it supposed to look like this? · r/baking · posted by u/wahoo666

mrfell 7 · 2 days ago

Well really, dear. I would have thought that after 6,000 years we were rather past the hurdle of communication. And to think, I was just about to pass you a note asking you to tick the box if you liked me. Still, I’m sure your baking efforts can be fixed. It’ll take a miracle, but luckily, I’m rather good at those.

 


 

wahoo666 replied to a comment on Is it supposed to look like this? · r/baking · posted by u/wahoo666

wahoo666 10 · 1 day ago

One miracle later, I think it’s all fixed, and so are we. (He made me type this, something about cyclical narrative convention, I’m deleting my account immediately, possibly shutting the entire Internet down, Oscar Wilde would have said no)