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The Five Times Bertie & Jeeves Lent Each Other a Hand and the One Time They Didn't

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“Oh, don’t fret, Jeeves. I’m just doing my best impression of Dumpty Humpty. The bed’s playing t’wall.”

“Shall I be all the king’s horses and the king’s men?”

“I don’t think anyone else is qualified, Jeeves, unless I want to spend t’night on the floor. I don’t know how I slipped.”

“Might I suggest your current state of intoxication played a part?”

“You could be onto something. Oofy Prosser’s bash-day birth. Blergh.”

“Sir, if you’ll permit an observation, you also appear to be in a state of semi-erection.”

“Yeah, I was full mast when I went overboard. I must’ve swung the boom a bit too hard. Pirates, damn ‘em.”

“Would you like assistance with it?”

“Does that come under your duties, Jeeves?”

“If I might be permitted a pun, sir, you might come under my duty if you desired it.”

“Ugh, Jeeves. Quick hoist the mainsail before that quip deprives me of my life force.”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

“Jeeves? Oh!”

“Did you require me, sir?”

“I did but why quite escapes me at the moment. I say, Jeeves, I did not realise the publication that you’re perusing, uh, Modern Domestic Appliances was that, uh, stimulating.”

“I had plan to attend to my condition when I finished reviewing the new product lines.”

“I get it. A man has to have priorities, but why don’t I lend a hand?”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Sure. That way you can focus on turning the pages and absorbing everything there is to know about the latest in toaster ovens and hoovers.”

“If it wouldn’t inconvenience you, sir.”

“Not at all, not at all, noblesse oblige.”


“Yes, sir?”

“That new oil for the bath!”

“I warned you, sir, that May’s offering was a much bolder specimen than is your custom to enjoy. You said you wished to try it regardless, but evidently, it’s found disfavour. I’ll admit I found it a trifle overpowering.”

“I’ll say! Look! It’s far too much natural essence for my Wooster tumescence!”

“I can see that, sir.”

“Listen, Jeeves, I can’t stay in the tub. I’ll have a very cold wash in the basin while…”

“…I minister to the very apparent need of your lower half? Yes, I think that’s an admirable plan.”

“Might I be of assistance, sir, with whatever’s troubling you?”

“I was planning to spend the afternoon at the bath, but apparently there’s some nasty bug going round, and folks are advised to stay home and not patronise such places.”

“Yes, sir, that is my understanding, too.”

“Damn inconvenient, but, of course, if it’s for the health of everyone, I’ll do my part. I was rather looking forward to the bath, though.”

“Well, perhaps, I could replicate all the amenities in our own bathroom.”

“Uh, well, I don’t know, Jeeves. All the amenities? They provide a rather comprehensive massage.”

“Yes, sir. I would aim to provide the authentic experience.”

“Jolly good, then.”

“What’s that, Jeeves?”

“A postcard, sir. Someone must’ve accidentally left it in this book.”

“Oh, that’s the summer selection from our bookseller friend W. A. Name? Ancient Philosophy for a Modern Mind? Oh, that’s definitely one of yours. What’s the postcard? Spinoza in profile? Oh, my sainted aunts! Or rather not my aunts, because I doubt that it is anatomically possible for either of them to get up to what those coves in that postcard are doing.”

“Yes, most improbable, sir.”

“Remarkable flexibility, though. Circus performers, perhaps?”

“Indeed, sir. I really couldn’t say, sir, what their profession might be.”

“I think it wouldn’t be the done thing to return it, Jeeves.”

“No, no, I agree, sir.”

“Jeeves? Shall we retire to the bedroom and consider it further?”

“Oh, yes, sir. And sir?”

“God, yes, Jeeves. The feeling is very, very mutual.”

“So the fish are biting, Jeeves? And you’re getting bronzed and fit, I’ll bet?”

“Yes, sir. It is shaping up to be an exceptional holiday.”

“The bungalow suits?”

“Yes, it is a quiet but outfitted with every modern convenience, including a telephone. Very satisfactory all around.”

“You know, Jeeves, when I saw you had, uh, included that postcard, you remember that postcard that we both appreciated so much, among your traveling effects, well, I’ll admit I was rather put out but when I read the missive you left in its place, I was, oh what’s the word I want?”

“Mollified, sir?”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days? Yes, I was very, very mollified. I followed the instructions in your letter, to the letter, and the results were, uh, just as you predicted.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sir. I suggest you repeat the process as needed until I return.”

“Wise words, Jeeves. Enjoy yourself, and in ten days, I shall slaughter the fatted calf.”

“But, Bingo, that’s the artistic temperament. You can’t expect a dedicated author like your wife, a woman who also happens to be currently researching her next best-seller, a volume with the working title of The Frisky Dog-walker, to go out one day and not come home laden with Pekes and Poms—oh, wait, I think I hear Jeeves at the door. Good luck and invest in the Flagrant Frolicker’s Flea Powder, it fights the flightiest flies. Bye!”

“Jeeves! Welcome home! I’ve missed you something rotten!”

“The feeling is mutual, sir.”

“Shall I give you a hand with your bags—mmphf—yes, perhaps for some things a mouth is much better.”