They’ve fallen into their own routine, not quite acknowledging the rhythm that was uniquely them. Jen didn’t question anymore if Judy would end up in her bed , their bed. . There was now a sketchbook on the bedside table, dresses that were clearly not her own hung in her closet an extra toothbrush in the holder and random toiletries and makeup in the once empty bathroom drawer. If they were being honest with themselves it’s probably been weeks since Judy had actually slept in the pool house. It was a well rehearsed dance, the closest they could get to being together without actually admitting to this thing between the two of them.
Their dance had been off all day though, just slightly off beat but enough for Judy to notice . Since that morning when she awoke, the other side of the bed cold and empty. So when she crawled into bed that night and Jen had shrugged out of her embrace she’d pushed down the immediate feeling of hurt and rejection. A few months ago she might have just turned away and pretended to go to sleep. Too afraid to push further. Taking a deep breath to settle herself she turned to the other woman,
“Hey, what’s up?”. Tentatively placing her hand on the other woman’s leg, pleased when she didn’t pull away.
“ Nothing’s wrong. Can’t I just not want to be touched” she answered defensively, unable to meet the brown eyes looking at her earnestly, with so much care and concern. “ No. But I know when something’s up, you’ve been distant and withdrawn all day. I’m here if you want to talk about it. You know that?” turning her head to the TV, “ Plus you’re usually quoting lines from this episode back at me ,so that’s a dead giveaway.”
Pulling her arms around her chest, still not meeting the brunette’s eyes ,” Today's three years, since my mastectomy. It fells ridiculous that I should still feel like… like I’m incomplete, like part of me is missing. Who’d want this, my own husband didn’t even want me.”
Pulling Jen’s arms from around herself and taking her hands into her own, silently cursing Ted for ever contributing to the way Jen doubted herself. “ You know, I wish I could let you see yourself the way I see you. You’re strong, caring , passionate independent, and if I must say so myself hella hot.” Waggling her eyebrows at the last bit. “ Honestly every time I catch someone checking you out I get a little jealous”
“ Yeah. But you don’t want me. Not like that anyways." Fighting the tears pooling in her eyes.
“ I didn’t think you’d want me Jen Of course I want you. I want you so much that it hurts. All of you, even the parts you hide, the good, the bad, all of it. All of you” .
Jen didn’t answer, stunned speechless at Judy’s revelation, only reacting when the other woman pulled away, taking her silence for rejection. Pulling her closer ,her hands coming up to wipe away the tears now running down the bother woman cheeks, barely nothing the tears running down her own face. “Please don’t hate me,” her voice barely more than whispered sob, before pulling the brunette to her and gently pressing her lips to the other woman's , sighing quietly when she responded, trying to put all the emotions rushing through her into the kiss.
Judy barely registered Jen’s sobbed plea before the other woman’s lips were on hers. Soon she was deepening the kiss and climbing into her lap. Finally breaking apart , resting her forehead against the blonde's ,the air thick between them. “ I could never hate you, you know that?” punctuating each word with a kiss .
“ We’re idiots you know?” Thumbs gently stroking the bit of exposed skin from the t-shirt that had ridden up on the woman in her lap. “ We could have been doing this ,” gesturing at the space between them.
“Yeah but you’re my idiot ,Judy answered , unable to hide the smile creeping across her face, “And I love you.”
“I love you too.”
It’s not the first time they’ve said it. But this time bits different, they’re not pretending there isn’t the hidden weight behind those words.