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Because I'm God

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Dim kitchen lights painted the room in a sort of melancholic light, the golden orange glow tinting everything around it and enveloping them in its strange warmth. Just past its loving embrace, hidden away in the opposite corner of the room to the lights, MZD sat huddled tightly, staring blankly at what should have been hardwood flooring, but instead appeared as an unintelligible void, swallowed by the darkness’s rivaling forces in the room.

 

The god fought back the urge to cry as he tried to pull his knees closer in, his bushy and long brown hair hovering over his eyes. In any other situation, he would have tried to brush it out of the way, or put his glasses back on to at least keep the tips directly out of his eyes, but he simply couldn’t have been bothered to. He’d been fighting a random bout of insecurity throughout most of the night, and although he was able to keep it mostly at bay when it began, now that his husband and son had gone to bed, being alone with his thoughts only made the feelings worse. He should have just gone to bed already, but he only felt able to sit in place and stare as the jumbled thoughts—thoughts that only registered as static noise at this point to him—clouded his mind…

 

That was, until Mr. KK shuffled tiredly into the room, snapping MZD out of it for a brief moment. He must’ve gotten out of bed for a drink, he thought, because the tired man had pulled a small coffee mug from the cupboard and positioned it under the sink, running cold water into it. Didn’t KK usually keep a water bottle at his bed stand, though? Whatever it was, it didn’t matter to the god now. He had an opportunity for comfort in front of him, and he’d only be worse off if he didn’t at least try to get his husband’s attention. Taking a deep breath, he continued to look at the empty floor as he let the words slip out.

 

“Hey, K?” he said softly, hoping it was loud enough for KK to hear. Startled, KK became tense and assumed a protective position, scanning the room as best he could for any possible intruders. Water started to spill out of his mug as he turned, and MZD couldn’t help but feel bad about it. “Hey, K? It’s me. Zee?” he called again, a little louder this time.

 

Second time was the charm, apparently, because KK had now realized who the voice was coming from and relaxed, although he still seemed a bit on guard. However, he hadn’t quite figured out where the voice was coming from yet, so he wasn’t exactly going to get far yet. “Zee? What are you doing here? I thought you were up with the stars tonight,” KK replied, slightly frustrated that he hadn’t recognized his own spouse’s voice at first.

 

“Nah, I just… Um, never mind.” MZD wanted to spill his feelings, but even though he was usually able to be open with KK, he felt a hesitance holding him back, lest he start crying and somehow embarrass himself. “Can I... have a hug?”

 

“Why couldn’t you? I don’t know where you are, though.”

 

“Here, just a moment…” MZD slowly picked himself up and floated over to the transit worker, too tired and sad to walk like any other person would. Once he’d reached the taller man, he buried himself into the other’s chest and wrapped his arms tightly around him in a hug. KK responded by returning the embrace, cupping an arm underneath the smaller man and lifting him higher up so they could be more level with each other. Comfortable in this new position, MZD rested his head over KK’s right shoulder, closing his eyes and gripping the sleeves of KK’s Stellarum Entertainment brand sweater.

 

“Is… is everything okay, Zee?” KK asked after a while. He wasn’t used to the god being this… dejected? He was usually much more confident and upbeat than this, and even in later hours like this, he was often watching funny videos or playing games. Put simply, this behaviour was out of character, and he was concerned.

 

“I guess. I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me,” MZD answered tiredly. He was struggling to hide his emotions for much longer, but if he at least insisted he’d be okay, then his husband wouldn’t have to worry, right? They both knew he was pretty capable, even if he didn’t look the part all the time, and that to him should have been enough to reassure KK. But it wasn’t.

 

“Are you sure? If there’s something bothering you, you know you can tell me, right?” 

 

“...Do you only love me because I’m God?” KK’s heart dropped as he processed the question. Why would he think that at all? The two had spent so much time together, exchanged so many gifts, hugs, even a few kisses; the transit worker simply couldn’t understand where such a question came from. As far as he had seen it, everything between them was genuine. If it wasn’t, then why would God have picked a then-janitor to spend his life with, anyways?

 

“What? N-No, of course not. That would be wrong of me,” KK said in a quiet, surprised voice.

 

“And how do I know you’re not just… saying that?” Still tired, MZD couldn’t hold the tears back anymore, quietly sobbing into the back of his spouse’s sweater. “I’m sorry, it hasn’t been a good night tonight…”

 

“It’s okay, I’m here for you. If I were just saying that, Zee, do you think I’d be here right now with you?”

 

“Probably not, no.”

 

“And if I were just saying that, do you think that I’d have agreed to take in the kid? Do you think all the things we did together, as a family, would have happened?”

 

“No…”

 

The two went mostly silent, still hugging each other while MZD cried quietly, sniffling and trying to recollect himself. KK felt bad that he couldn’t do much more than simply return the hug, though he’d started to slowly rub his hand up and down his husband’s back to hopefully soothe him, and it seemed to be doing the trick.

 

“I’m real sorry about that, K,” the god mumbled. His voice still trembled a little, but he’d managed to get the tears out of his system, and that already made him feel loads better. “I just, I really don’t know why, but I started thinking that if I wasn’t God, then people wouldn’t care at all for me. Not even you or Lee.”

 

“We all have off days sometimes, hun. I can’t say I can relate to what exactly you might’ve felt—I mean, I’m not you, and I’m certainly not a god—but if you need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to talk to me. That’s part of what being a good husband is all about, after all.”

 

“Thanks. Love you, K.”

 

“Love you too. Let’s go to bed, you could probably use the sleep.” Still carrying the god in his loving arms, KK turned off the lights in the kitchen and made his way back to his bedroom.