The boys said goodnight awhile ago now, heading off to try and get some rest I suppose. I'm lying with my hand interlaced with the Doctors again, she hasn't moved since she came in. She looks tired, like she hasn't slept well in days.
I take in her appearance again, hair falling limply around her face, eyes bloodshot and skin looking paler than I think I've ever seen it. It's at this moment that she decides to run her face pushing her hair behind her ear. "Your earing, it's gone..." I say before I can think better of it. The Doctor brings her hand to her ear before dropping it again.
"Oh yh, I took it out." She shrugs but something doesn't feel right about it, I've never seen her without it since the first day she put it on.
"Why?" I ask voice barely above a whisper. This is a risky conversation and you know it Yaz. The Doctor sighs, letting her hand touch her pierced ear again.
"I guess I just don't feel like I deserve it right now." I answers, I don't really understand but before I can open my mouth again she continues. "My name, the one I chose, it's like a promise you make to yourself. I wore it earing to remind me of that promise... I guess I feel like I broke it when I lost you..." As she finishes a lone tear runs down her check.
I squeeze her hand a little tighter letting me lips form a small smile. "You found me, when I had no hope left, you were there when I needed you most... You were the Doctor more then than ever before."
We sit in silence for a minute, neither of us too sure what to say.
"Will you do something for me Yaz?" I nod my head sitting up a little more. "Ask me for one thing, anything at all. Just one thing for you, can you do that for me?" I nod steadying me breathing before speaking once more.
"A cigarette..." I falls from my lips before I can stop it. Of course the Doctor didn't mean something like that! She nods before slowly standing up again.
"I think there might be a pack in my study if I remember correctly." I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding as the Doctor puts her hand out to help me up.
She leads me through the TARDIS, stopping briefly at what must be her study before we head further into the ship. We stop when we get to a door, we can't be too far away form the engines, the sound of mechanical drones louder than normal. My breath is taken away as she opens the door, inside is a forest. How is there a forest on a ship. As if expecting my questions the Doctor speaks.
"It's an oxygen factory, a forest sucking in starlight, breathing out air. It even rains. It's a whole mini-climate. Thought you might like it." I nod as we step inside, the door closing swiftly behind us.
The Doctor leads me over to a bench not too far away from the door and hands me a cigarette before pulling another out. "I didn't realize you smoked?" I question as the Doctor lights her cigarette before handing me the lighter.
"I don't much now, haven't really had a taste for it since my eighth body. What about you?" I slowly bring the lighter to my the cigarette lighting it, the burn hitting the throat in a instant. I exhale slowly watching as the smoke disappears into the trees.
"I used to, long time ago now, Dad caught me..." I say taking another drag.
"Bet that went down well." She smirks before taking another drag herself.
"Three hours him and Mum were lecturing me for, thought they'd never stop." I say laughing a little a the memory.
"I can only imagine, your Mum is not someone I'd ever like to cross. She could scare an army to Cybermen off with just a look." She laughs taking another drag.
We fall into a comfortable silence as we both finish our cigarettes. I don't want to go back to that room, I want to tell her but how? How can I even explain what that room means to me now. For so long it was my prison and now I have to sit in it as if it is my safe haven. I know that I am being ridiculous and that a room is just a room but I feel my chest tighten at the thought of going back there again.
It's like he's here with me, watching my every move waiting for me to mess this up. I know, I really do, that he is not here but still I can't seem to part ways with the idea of him. The way his dead eyes would bore into the back as my head as I worked, how he's find any and every reason to punish me and it makes me feel sick.
"Hey Yaz? You ready to head back up to bed?" THe Doctor breaks through the wave of anxiety, calming me with only her voice. I swallow the lump in the throat before answering her.
"Can I stay with...you... I mean it's studip, just forget I said anything. I mean you wouldn't want that and I'm just being stupid I'm sorry, I'll just..." The Doctor places her hands on mine, stopping my rambling in its tracks.
"Cause you can, no need to apologize Yaz." The Doctor says with a slight smile putting me almost instantly as ease.