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Where There's Love There's Hope.

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"Milk, two sugars just the way you like it." Graham smiles as he places a steaming mug in front of me. I wrap my hands around the mug reeling in the warmth of it. 

"Thank you." I just about get out, choking slightly with anxiety. I sit there holding my tea listening as the others spoke, it was nice. I missed these moments the most, little chats in the kitchen over tea. It always seemed such a strange thing to miss, almost too small in comparison to all of time and space and yet this is where I wished I could of been on all my loneliest days.

I rub small circles with my thumb over the sides of the mug, my mug, I picked it up on the Boeshane Peninsula. It had three shades that formed sand dunes much like the one surrounding the colony but the thing that I relish most at the minute is my small chip on the rim. I really was my knackered old mug from her TARDIS. I smile into my tea before taking a small sip.

I sigh quietly into the mug, when was the last time I'd had anything warm? Did I even once with the Master or was it last time I was here? I can't really remember everything feel a little fuzzy, like I'm looking at it through a lense. Surely I should remember something like that. I shake my head sipping my tea once more but as it settles in my stomach I begin to feel sick.

I continue sipping slowly, I don't want Graham to think I'm being rude but with every sip I can feel my stomach twist a little more. I spend less time listening to the others and most time focusing on keeping the tea down. After a few minutes all my attention is on keeping the tea down, everything else starts to become blurry, the noiseing around me sounding muffled. 

Before I can really process what I'm doing, I rise on shaky legs unaware of the stares of the three others sat at the table. "'m sorry." I force out before running over to the bin before I lost control. I must of only been a few steps away from the bin when it happened, so close if I had reached out maybe I could have made it. Instead I collapsed to the floor emptying my stomach onto the cold tiles below. 

I continue to retch long after I've finished throwing up, my body still trying to reject the unknown liquid. Once it's over I realized what I've done, the Doctor is stood over me hand just above my back, hovering. I tense, what have I done? I swallow the lump in the back of my throat before daring to move.

"I...I'm sorry...I...I'll clean it up, please I swear it won't happen again...I'll" I swallow thickly again and begin trying to scope up my vomit with my hands. "I'll do whatever you want just please...please..." I choke back the sob that was trying to force its way out causing my voice to crack. I continue trying to scope the sick but I just seem to be making more of a mess.

I stop suddenly as the Doctor places her hand on mine. "Hey, it's ok. Come on let's get you cleaned up then you can head back to bed yeah?" She's smiling, it's small and kind, nothing like the Masters, all white teeth and hollow.

"Please, I..." I shut my mouth again, rule one Yaz, alway look submissive. I nod my head and try to make myself as small as possible.

"Please what? Yaz you can talk to me, what's wrong?" The Doctor gives my hands a small squeeze causing vomit to leak out from between our hands. I shake my head, chancing a glance at her, she doesn't seem angry but no you can't risk it Yaz. You can't end up back in the cells again.

The Doctors sighs before speaking again. "It's ok, you don't have to talk if you're not ready, let's just get you back to bed yeah?" She asks again and I nod dully. So much for getting out of that room Yaz, you've fucked it again. Maybe the Master was right? "Boys would you mind sorting out in here while I help Yaz clean up?"

"Yeah don't worry about it we'll sort in here." Graham replies for the two of them.

"I'll come see you in a bit Yaz, you know if you feel up to it?" Ryan asks as me and the Doctor head towards the door. I nod to show I've heard him, I don't trust myself to speak.

 

After the Doctor had helped me clean up and get changed she helps me back into bed. We don't speak as she does, I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall, it doesn't, she just helps me lie down before pulling the covers up around me. She takes her place at the side of the bed again and begins to fiddle with the loose thread on her coat. 

I lie there watching as her interest goes from the loose thread to picking at the skin around her finger nails. I can't stop thinking about the way her hand felt in mine. How gentle she's been with me, I want her hand in mine again, it's like everything else falls away and for just a little while it can be just me and her. I don't want to ask. I shouldn't ask that of her, it isn't fair and yet every part of my body is screaming at me to just reach out and take it. Maybe it's worth the risk of the cells again, of the Masters wrath. 

I pull my hand out from under the covers and with shaking fingers reach to gently brush over the back of her hand. I don't look at her face, too worried I've see her features morphe into his. They don't instead she turns her hand over letting my hand fall into it.