Chapter 1: According
Chapter Text
Every day is a new day
Every morning a new start
Each awakening a new beginning
Each dreams ending, a new chapter
With every blink, with every breath
We change, day after day
Sometimes for the better
Or others not so much
With each chance that is taken
A thousand others pass us by
And in the weary noonday air
Past is the past and present present
Only the future is yet to be
So seize each dazed and cautious hour
Take each moment as a tale
Untold as yet, but soon by you
There is beauty everywhere
Gaze upon it hold it tight
Bare the truth, so cold and sure
To witness joy by close of day
The stars are there when it is dark
And rainbows only shimmer in the quiet of the rain
Laugh and you will see
What each word can do
Speak kind words, open your heart
Have the courage to stay true to you
For that is who you are
There is nothing worse than fear
But even it is necessary
And hope has more power when it's used
Strengthen others so they can strengthen you
Stronger together, stronger as one
Safe, so toil becomes a game
March on through the trying times
See the light, just out of reach
Keep going, the finish line's in sight
Know the future is before you
And each journey starts with a single step
So all you have to do is breathe
Each breath, not always welcomed
Brought by the graceful breeze
Get up, go, go, out into the world
Begin your life anew today
And treasure the morning light
Each day is a new beginning
A new start, a chapter not begun
Hope is by your side now
So let its kindness fill your soul
Life is a road full of forks and bends
But the path is never clear nor easy
But it’s there, so why go back
Our eyes look forward for a reason
That's where we're going
Now and always after
Time can be lost but never found
And explanations are only worthy
If they can ease a troubled mind
Life is not just out there yonder
But within us, till we pass on
Our beating hearts and active minds
Form a statement, good and true
We are alive
So hadn't we better act like it?
Chapter 2: Whispers to give up
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What life is there left
From the scattered remains
From the shattered hope
The poisonous stench of love
Has forever tainted all of worth
And the fragile dreams that live on
Are dismal and dreary
Filled with denial and self-hate
And a bitterness for dread
So I ask again
What life is there left
What life is worth having
Not this one, not this nightmare
When a mind is so consumed by pain
And the harm eats up any joy that might survive
Nothing is left, nothing remains
But a shadowy hollow, and echo
Of a life, a love, a longing
All from before the walls came tumbling down
When all that continues
Is a terrible hunger
A looming desire
A feisty need
For the blood yet to be spilled
But that will be for sure
For no matter how hard the struggle
No matter how long the fight
No matter how desperate, no matter how observed
The war will carry on
And blades will draw blood
Many a time from now
Till the body crumples
Skin pale and cool
No blood left to pour
No soul to release
Nothing is left, nothing remains
All spheres, all centers
Consumed and warped
By the hated disease
Slipping through the mind and limbs
Skulking, watching, wishing
Waiting to wheedle
So now nothing is untouched
Nothing is left, nothing remains
But an empty shell
A shadow, a hollow mask
Phantom, Spectre, Spirit
Loneliness is but a deadly feeling
That alone forms said husk
Like water drains from a cracked jar
Like blood drips from a slice in the skin
Defeat draws near, and my time seems to be up.
Chapter 3: The Young
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Do you know just how hard it is?
To see cuts on the arm of a girl,
Cuts you've cut as well, yourself, before,
And thought thoughts that make stomachs swirl;
At twelve years old does she know that pain,
That eats you up from the inside,
The hurting necessary to call for a blade,
And make streams of scarlet to hide;
Those shaking limbs, fingers grasping fingers,
Both of you clawing for life,
You see the pain of your heart echoed in her eyes,
As you pry stubborn hands from the knife;
She cries and on impulse you hold her close,
Holding back sobs of your own,
The two of you, troubled, struggling, dead,
Neither willing to let go and return home;
It's dangerous you see, to care so much,
When we both know it will hurt greater,
But to pull another back, as you step closer to the edge,
Understand it will cause pain, but only later;
Once she is gone, I let the tears flow,
And they flow in rivulets they've flowed in before,
It could swallow me whole, the grief that I feel,
But my itching fingers are reaching for more;
Knife in my hands, curled up in a ball, footsteps coming in closer,
There's an arm round my side and a hand over mine,
She's holding me tightly, but do you care at all?
Chapter 4: Why not?
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Cuts are healing
And the scars are fading
But the pain is rising
And my eyes are crying
My heart is breaking
I don’t know what I'm saying
But I know I'm dying
Because inside I'm hurting
If any non harmer says why not stop,
They don’t understand how it feels drop for drop,
You're driving your hurt and worries away,
Wondering and hoping that you'll last the day
When they stare and ask questions again and again
Just push away or just scream or embrace the pain
Chapter 5: One More Goodbye
Notes:
Please note this is an old poem.
Chapter Text
The words are there, but remain unspoken
Open air, that stays unbroken
Our silence weighs like heavy mail
Irons chains, like a coffin nail
As the blood is trickling down my sleeve
I know in my heart that you will leave
Abandon me to my cold thoughts
The peace and love that must be bought
The price is paid, my tears appear
As I walk away, from all so dear
My heart is cracked, a hollow shell
So ready to leave, to escape this hell
Yet still you choose to hold my hand
Grounding me to this cursed land
Keep me clinging to each breath
Screaming at you, and all that's left
Release the hand that holds the knife
Please free me from this endless life
As I yearn to fly, high like a dove
Far above the hate and love
Now all that's left is pain and fear
I'm sure you care, but the time is near
Please turn your back on this worthless thing
Not human now, as the black bird sings
Listen it hurts, but death must be better
I hope you must never read this letter
A poem though it still lets you know
Understand I'm sorry but please let me go
Chapter 6: Those stars that shine so brightly
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Those stars that shine so brightly
Would still shine every night
And the sun that rises so mightily
Would still rise to its awesome height
And the moon that has watched over me
Would still wax and wane and waver
Shining so inconsistently
Glimmering silently forever
The rain would still rain on, I know
And the sea would still swirl and swell
The clouds would still drift on with snow
And the wind would still howl as well
This world we live our lives to see
With cold love's blinding tears
Would keep on turning, without you or me
As fear's call silently jeers
You give me enough rope and I'll hang myself
And any fuel I'll burn even brighter
But even stars one day will lose their health
And with their deaths, whole galaxies teeter
Among the stars, that vast expanse
Can one solitary life even matter
Can one soul? No, nothing ever compares
Out there, it's a word amongst chatter
Do I even matter now, what does it really mean
That the world will just spin on, regardless
If I'm dead or alive or in between
Without worth, I'm just surviving, its hopeless
My death one of millions and I'm gone
Can my life really ever mean something
If my impact upon the world is none
But to me it still will mean nothing
While the sun will still rise mightily
And the moon will still quietly be
And those stars that shine so brightly
Will continue to shine without me.
Chapter 7: The Wind
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I heard the wind
It called my name
I asked if it could catch me
I'm not afraid
I told the wind
It whispered I ought to be
I stood up tall
Within the wind
Willing it to come
Then I spread my arms
And closed my eyes
It murmured, why won’t you run?
Come catch me wind!
Come carry me away
Come catch me so we can dance!
Each cry, each shout,
It stole from me
It was howling as I fell
Then soaring high
Its wings around me
Buffeted, in an embrace
Safe within those wings
You find me,
Asleep, till end of days
That final dance
Forevermore
Like so I know I'll be
Till you steal me away
And lock me deep
As tortured ground surrounds me
Fractured though
You will let me go
And leave your tears as shackles
Home at last
Up in the sky
The wind as eternal friend
We'll glide and fly
With birds in our wake
As all will come to an end
I jumped, oh yes
I jumped with the wind
And yes, oh yes, it caught me
And I would jump once more
I would! I would!
If only I were able
And I'd dance once more
Alone with the wind
And we'll dance on and on till dawn
For I would dance forever
With the wind to guide me
Yes, I would dance and dance on
With just my friend beside me
Chapter 8: Numb
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It’s slipping away- I’m slipping away- its draining out of me
As water leaks from a crack in a glass
And like blood dripping from a slice in the skin
I’m losing it- it’s fading- I’m gone
Empty and dead, ghostlike I wander
But still my heart beats on, how I wonder?
A shell: hollow; a mask that does not hide a face
A brick wall hiding nothing but an empty space
Like water drips from a cracked glass
And blood leaks from broken skin
All, care, all worth, all conscious thought- lost
And Numbness takes over again
Disassociated, distant and dead
Feeling nothing, but blood trickling from a vein
Feeling nothing at all, but the sharp stinging pain
Ringing out through every synapse in my head
Screaming out against the quietest death
The quiet- silent- motionless weight: without glee
That hangs its heavy hatred on me
Until I cannot feel a thing- one more breath
And I’m consumed: the glass is almost empty
And I feel like I am dying- though in truth that’s something
I am walking in a fog- blinded- no thoughts are clear
Only the jumbled and disjointed remain
There’s a sleepy edge to my movements, too
I’m asleep- though not really- and yet still moving
Walking, yes, but each step is an effort
To put one foot in front of the other
Inflicts a strain so utterly profound
As each breath must be forcibly breathed
Each and every muscle heaved
Contracting and expanding, in a rhythm that’s mine
Only to spill scarlet droplets onto white tile
I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to shout and scream and sigh
But all I ever do is wait- what else can I undertake?
For these silent moments must move on
It takes a great strength to set me free
From burning rage and seething doubt
Turned to solitary stationary silence
I wish for sleep- drowsy and sweet
To smother all musings of this false rest
Awake no more- so softly I’m slipping
Into a dream world much like my own
Life or death, asleep or awake
Is this all real, or is it fake?
I am here, and yet I’m not
And indistinct shapes just trot on by
There’s hours uncounted, marching in rows
Stamping out emotional highs and lows
Set me free from my silent shackles
That grip me tight although I scream
A numbness resounds in my every cell
There’s nothing left- no willpower lingers
And though my hearts still beats and blood is still shed
I am a ghost and strange dreams fill my head.
Chapter 9: A Realisation
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It's there
An itch
In the back of my mind
Slowly creeping forward
The sky is blue- azure blue,
The bluest I've ever seen it;
I scratch the itch
A twinge of pain
In the back no longer
Forward!
There's a bird that's flying high- alone,
The wind must be faster above;
I'm scratching a tear
A tear in my flesh
As twinges turn to spasms
I bleed
It dives and rises and soars, once more,
Riding the wind like a pony;
There's no longer an itch
It's more like a scream
Screaming inside of my head
I join it
The wind is picking up now- it's faster!
The wheeling gull is flapping up higher;
There's screaming
More blood
And a chill of pain
Colder now- I sit
Lonely, it spirals off for the distance,
Over the distant horizon it goes;
I'm crying
I think
And hugging my knees
But the itch has returned
The clouds are so pretty: so fluffy and white,
And the sky is just so very blue;
My nails are itchy
My skin is stained red
My arm is in tatters
And screams fill my head
The sky is turning red now, as if the sun is setting;
And scarlet's leaking across the cloud's pure white;
The blood won't stop coming
I can't make it stop
I'm crying and I'm screaming
Please someone help
Dear The Idealistic- Reality's here,
Make-believe is fading: wake up's near
Fairy tale stories, belong in a book;
And as the river swallows me- I drown,
And wake up.
Chapter 10: Encouragement
Chapter Text
You are the east, but not the west,
And where the sun will rise,
Is within your heart, each morning time,
And hope shines out, surprised?
It's always rising; glowing, shining,
You never let it set,
Not till a stronger person walks,
Where all others fear to tread,
You make me proud, you make me brave,
Your shackles are in tatters,
Rise up once more, strong once again,
Each morning get up and go,
You face the world, after every strike,
After every blow and surrender,
Time and time again you stand,
Always supported but often alone,
You are strong, you are amazing,
I think there's no one better,
To face the things you face each day,
Your struggles, your anxious burdens,
You have a strength none can envision,
And in truth, it's who you are,
Underestimated -you'll see- you can carry on,
Even after every fall: you can get up,
Rise each morning like the blazing sun,
And shine out that loving light,
You have such power, hidden away,
To love and give hope and be bright,
So can I ask you, just one more time,
To fight these demons that haunt you,
The shadows I see, that lurk beneath,
Your weary smile and laughter,
Listen to me when I tell you truths,
And what they mean for you,
You can do it, and so much more,
My faith in you is boundless,
You are incredible, you are remarkable,
You are unique and so special,
Ask anyone and you will see,
What caring hearts will answer,
Believe in yourself, and you're halfway there,
All mountains turn to rubble,
All oceans shallow and all rivers slow,
Those obstacles can be defeated,
You mean so much to me, you see,
So keep fighting, keep going, succeed.
Chapter 11: Lux
Chapter Text
I can see a lighthouse, there in your stance
Those solid solemn structures
And as you're standing in the storm
You light bleak ocean's waters
It's crackling and spitting, as you do sometimes
Can you infer what I perceive?
A blazing hearth, so cosy, so warm
Fears crumble to ashes and leave
A moon glimmers inconsistent in your heart
And gives you strength that's boundless
But your light can also wane as well
Just to wax and be brighter, with kindness
A starry night rests in your smile
And beaming the sky you bedight
You hide its glow from all laughter
And still calmly conceal any light
As a mother's arms will hold a child
You cradle all light just as close
And share its loving message daily
With those who may need it the most
Though your heart is so untamed
You possess an earthly mind
And wield each one, so separately
Both free and intertwined
The softest sunset is your soul
Though with a sprite-like leaping
You are as graceful as the dusk
But your joyous calamity's leaking
A glaring sunrise- you bring the light
And all potent wishes with it
A hope that breathes as one with you
May to impromptu life commit
You are a shining beacon, though
Doubts may consume all thought
As we all must do- just carry on
And rescue the accosted and besought.
Chapter 12: The Tree
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I see you standing there, so proud
I am of your huge strength
To hold so fast to your beliefs
Your morals, like roots, are tight
A woven lattice in the ground
Stopping you from falling
It holds you up and lets you
Be stronger than the rest
Does it not hurt to be so open
So openly do you care
Your every action, your every word
So much bigger and bolder, than theirs
You hold the sun within your heart
It's energy drives you on
You never stop, you never rest
While other's hope is gone
Soaring high, reaching for the stars
Your branches support the world
My world, at least; though winter comes
You never wane nor waver
Through rain and snow and gale-force winds
You are a rock that remains
Foundations for a life that's good
Like a sunset betraying a sunrise.
Chapter 13: For the teachers.
Chapter Text
You work together, yet stand isolated
And you bear it alone but walk united
The respect you deserve, you may not always get
And with your heads held high you continue, and yet
Your struggles are shared, but your struggling is not
And your workload -never lightened- is talked of a lot
Such a paradoxical life: stress-filled and chaotic
Confusing and puzzling; but somehow hypnotic
You’re all so kind, so caring and annoyed
Your calm facade daily, is slowly destroyed
Eroding, lesson by lesson, till frustrated anger shows
Each day you are tested, on what no one knows
To be put through your paces, a rigorous task
By the drill sergeant -a teenager- whom you unmask
Every day like the next one, and the one after that
And all the tasks you've been set seem to grow once you're sat
At home, can you relax? No there's still more to do
A long night to haunt the morning, but you haven't a clue
How refuge sits beside you, on the sagging sofa chair
A fellow slave of teaching, your shackles laid bare
Slowly sipping coffee, or another warming drink
For once would you just listen, and you can see what you think
If you could work together, more often than you are
And strive to ease the stresses that will always leave a scar
I know that your community is both a large one and close-knit
All humans with you own minds and tongues that dance with wit
Your patience for the irritating teen is phenomenal
Though they haunt you daily, you carry on- it's optional
You never give up, unlike your pupils, you never ever give in
You might pick which battles you fight although sometimes you cannot win
When faced with an exasperation you simply can't defeat
Would you surrender and back down and act like you've been beat?
When it comes to a deadline that you have been set
When you hit that line and cross over, is there regret?
Do you sympathise with those who must everyday must contend
With the targets you organise to bring about the end
But do others realise the thought that enters each one
That is pressured by a finality: you must be done!
Every deadline you set is defined by another
Which presses you down among mountains of bother
So how -it’s a mystery- you carry on; each day
Rising in darkness to only pave the way
For the students, in their hundreds, who pass under your wings
On their way to a life, that your arduous work brings
Can you be thanked enough for what you constantly do
Will they ever realise how much you toil for someone new
A stranger within whom you place your faith, your goodwills
Driving them onwards into a sweet future of thrills
With many mountains to climb, but ones that are tolerable
You gave them the skills that make all mountains conquerable
So why aren’t you more respected, more understood and admired
To put up with teenagers, so irritable and moody when tired
You bear them along on their way, year after year
You say goodbye and somehow resist the strong urges to cheer
Do you really care so much? To use your boundless talents so:
To help us pick ourselves up, so one day -someday- we’ll return and know
How much you help, how much you assist
With our struggles; so patiently, you never desist
Our troubles and worries, you ease; though your own
Get pushed under a mat to deal with once you’re home
You are people- you’re human too
Why can’t they see how much that’s true?
You have your own lives and they shine with such hope
For a future worth having, with which we can cope
With the skills that you teach us, that you show us will work
In real life and its challenges, with a self-satisfied smirk
You wave off one more batch of standard ignorant kid
Turned into young adults -mature-ish- with pride you stand amid
Say goodbye, maybe hope, that one day you’ll see them again
As you watch them join the world, those young women and men
Whom you have nurtured and grown in a pot
Providing sunlight and water and soil without rot
I know some days you struggle and life just beats you down
But every time you will come out of it, and claim your awesome crown
A prize there should be, every day for each of you
Teachers striving for flawless learning, is that what you do?
Or are you simply trying to survive each traumatic day
And groaning do you awaken when the alarms start to bray
Whatever the method, whatever the reasons; I remain so proud of you all
Somehow you withstand many seasons beginning with the dead leaves fall
Emotions a roiling mass as their solid weight
Can drag you down into darkness, or make you elate
All those around you, with weary -but truthful- smiles
Honesty a standard; with your chin up high through trials
I know you struggle sometimes, as all ordinary people do
You still inspire, you still encourage: those that march a pace behind you
As you work together -united- to help one another
But still bear it alone: not true! I know you have each other...
Chapter 14: Humanity
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To be human
Is to be alive, is
This true or false?
To be alive is to feel
To be feeling, living
Not just surviving
That’s what they
Say now.
To be human, one of mankind,
Mankind; not male, not female, just human
Living, not surviving, thriving. Thinking- brains working,
That is what the word means, ‘mankind’ the kind who thinks.
Minds that are active, thriving on every day moments. Puzzles to solve
Teasing the neural connections made in the womb and added to since then.
The Thinker. The cognitive one. The one who thinks above all else. This is us.
The humans, the people, evolved so long ago. So today they could consume,
Every molecule of resource: deemed of worth, given value, called useful.
So today they would inhabit every inch of this planet. Outmatching that,
Which they share this world with. Not to live alongside or to cooperate
But to crush and destroy and obliterate out of now, those beings
Who can only exist in history’s tall tales. Science long past –lost.
To be human is to be more. More than alive, not just surviving
But not just thriving. To have purpose is to have life, to hold
It in one’s hands and grip it tight. That is to be human –
To feel, to care, to love and appreciate. To protect
And nurture and cherish other life, other forms
Of beauty, that can be found all around us:
Found in a sunrise - a rebirth of fiery light,
Or petals unfurling under morning dew.
And all creatures (great and small) here
Like us –just the same- but with less of
Cognitive thoughts, seemingly superior
Human beings are not here to rule, not
To conquer, not to destroy nor to inflict
Their will, on those unable to defend
Their way, their life, their minds.
Mankind must care, nurture
And protect. Love –each
Other- but outsiders too.
Maybe surviving must
Not come first. But
After, after love and
Caring, after all the
Pain and hurt is
Gone. Maybe
Then allow
Life to flourish
Like flowers –rosy
Red or vibrant yellow-
Unfurling soft petals
Out in the garden.
Chapter 15: Whispering
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I am not dead, but I am not alive,
I am buzzing bees, without their hive,
I am an angel, trapped in hell,
I am a demon, yes that as well,
I have a house, but not a home,
I am always surrounded, but also alone,
I cry and laugh, but am emotionally blank,
A ghost with a beating heart, who can I thank?
There are so many gifts, so many treasures,
All lost and found, but no one measures,
How many times must I find myself?
To be lost again to mental ill-health,
I beg, I cry, I scream, I ask,
For a hand to hold and a life to mask,
Can one person please just care?
For an hour, I want someone to be there,
To hold me safe and keep me calm,
To open doors and guard from harm,
Rescuer, redeemer; come set me free,
Or let me die- now which will it be?
Chapter 16: Voices
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If there's a voice that's calling in your head
Should you not listen to its cries?
And if it's screaming louder than your own voice
Still would you ignore its crying?
But if you have a crying in your leg
From where blood vessels are squeezed
Surely you listen, because it tells you to move
And release the blood flowing toward your knees
Though after you shift, pins and needles appear
As a punishment- or is it only a reaction?
And if I listen to my thoughts, a little blood is shed
But in the simplest of interactions
It's true, I listen, each and every time
Though once I would try to resist
It's easier, in the end, to merely not fight
As the outcome just always is
Blood is bled and people get hurt
So why fight if there's nothing I can do?
Why do I listen to those voices in my head?
When I know what they whisper isn't true,
I'm always waiting: waiting for the end
For my mind to be quiet and the voices be gone
For my thoughts to be peaceful and jumbled much less
For my heart to stop racing with each error I fall upon
Would you listen? If you were put to the test
Could you withstand it, every day like the rest?
Day after day, each one like the first
Fighting a losing battle, with those voices you call cursed.
Chapter 17: French: Meaning Petite
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How can you do it?
Simply stand when your legs won't hold.
When your body won't stop swaying,
And the up becomes the down.
When that wall is your new best friend.
How do you get up again?
After hours as a quivering wreck.
An emotional mess- while we can only watch.
Helpless and unsure we stand by looking on.
As your motor controls fade into oblivion.
How can you function?
If you cannot even breathe.
If you're struggling to get enough oxygen,
And you can barely speak.
If all you can do is lie there from your beanbag at the side.
How can you still continue?
When your head is lolling, like a bobble one.
And your spine will only curl over itself.
If your arms are like loops of spaghetti,
And your mind is as scrambled as can be.
How can you ever focus?
As chocolate, biscuits - food, becomes the centre of everything.
When any makeup is long since gone.
Though if your wobbly smile can cling on through,
Any troubles of life will pass you by.
How could you possibly,
Build a life on these shifting sands?
This shaking ground is not a foundation,
For the life that you had planned.
When your day lasts only hours and then you have to sleep.
How will hours of exams go?
If you can only manage one a day- if that.
When your future is defined, by something you cannot do.
If your future is that uncertain, then I only have one question,
And that is: How can I help you?
Chapter 18: On the Edge
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I'm standing, looking out to sea
A thousand gulls soaring all around
Screaming, calling out for me to join in
But as I take a single step
The cliff’s edge lines up with my feet
Shaking I stare down at the swirling waters
An unknown depth- an unknown fall- below
When I look up, the birds are gone
And black clouds are massing on the horizon
The sun disappears and suddenly its cold
A frightening gale is rushing at my back
Pushing me, shoving me: off into the abyss
I fight it, or do I - should I?
As the darkness in my mind fills up the shadowy sea
‘Till all I stare onto is black watery depths
But where has my choice gone?
Off with the gulls: its flying away
Fading into the distance amongst the cloudy sky
And I'm alone - without hope
No choice left as the wind is unrelenting
That edge is now behind me
No other option as the falls begins
As the shadows reach out and grab me
And the dark waters pull me in.
Chapter 19: A Long Night
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It hurts, I can't breathe- there is no escape- as the worst of all thoughts fill my head
It feels like all the world is pressing down on me: it's all knocking at the door
I cannot help but let it in, as all emotions continue to pour
Draining out of me in little droplets known as tears
I cry: I sob, I scream, I shake; but no one ever hears
It's the safest way to deal with things; to not deal with them at all
So now I'm waiting for the dawn to rise, or a sliver of sleep to fall
Surely, I must focus on one battle, when the war is raging daily
When in the midst of the tournament, must every round be fought as bravely
Except I've got nothing left with which to fight – I'm helpless and worse: alone.
Do I even exist right now, if there's nothing to prove I'm here
All I have are two empty fists, whilst longing for something to hold
A reason to continue, to carry on; show me a good reason, not one that's cold
I read the scarring of my arms, that well-read text I know
Like the back of my hands; they also bare scars: as much as they heal, it is slow
I shake too much to be able to sleep, my eyes are scrunched up into my head
Going over my life -all of my history- constantly wishing I was dead
The worst of all thoughts, they're raging too now, but I can't ignore the promise they bring
Death can't be worse, so it's probably better, even if it's not all angels that sing
If its numbness and unawares then at least it's on par; with the average day life currently deals.
Maybe I've got a fair hand, or maybe one that's foul
But this game is one I can no longer play; when no matter what I'll lose
I'm on my own, I'm the only one; so it doesn't matter what I choose
Life, death, or whatever this is now, besides who else will really care
Who would notice, if I give up now, if I cannot voice one more prayer
Please someone help me, or at least leave me alone, let me end this now
Or perhaps fix what is wrong, find what it is first, then discover how
Whether I sleep or die tonight- you know what- I no longer care: if that's wrong
Then I am- though I already knew I'm messed up; before long
This will all be over, for e, and deaths embrace will come- I wonder if it'll be tomorrow- well I can only hope.
Chapter 20: Conflict Within
Chapter Text
The lines are drawn, the battlefield ready
My tanks are rolling away
Firing endless volleys of thought
Into the enemy that sleeps in my head
The general of the opposition
Is calling ceaselessly for my surrender
As trenches are dug out of memories
And razor-sharp bayonets are fixed onto words
Every step and every word and every breath
Is another raid, another attack, another defence
I'm scouting out the warpath daily
Until exhaustion’s artillery fires again
Sleeplessness plagues my forces constantly
Like the trench-foot of soldiers long ago
Refusing to eat, refusing to relax
Until the encroaching line is pushed back for today
Tomorrow is a battle, I don’t think I can win
As a night-time counter-attack catches us unprepared
Bleeding and broken; let the peace-talks begin now
As my palisades are trampled to hell
Wounded and aching: I watch my hopes fall
Executed at sunrise by ranks of my terror
Locked in a small cell, a prisoner of war
I quake as an armistice I am made to sign
Withdrawal is over, failure’s complete
As my army is slaughtered; the treaty is agreed
I'm guilty for the death and sorrow that follows me
Eagerly I stand at the post of the dawn.
Chapter 21: Applicants: Ready & Waiting
Chapter Text
A mask should be required to play this game
One of paper or cold white porcelain
A colourful jolly spectacle of fun
Or an emotionless and rigid disguise
A concealing hand, which knows the cards
And handles them deftly with skill
Should also be needed, in order to survive
And continue to play in this match
Comfortable in the spotlight -is also on the criteria
As the stage is set for life to commence
The game of the highest stakes -of life and death
Can only be executed out of shadows in bright light
Quick tongues are essential to even apply
A swift defender, who knows the right hook
And can successfully tear assailants to shreds
As no one has time to wait around
Last -but not least- a heart made of stone
Or maybe a similar cold hard substance
Iron or even tantalum; just so long as its unfeeling
Or else the game costs far too much to risk it
Chapter 22: Step by Step
Chapter Text
Step by step, a world away
I hear a quiet lion's roar
Tired feet tramping along, day after day
Following the well-worn path of folklore
Mysteries unfolding as times passes by
Excitement fading into cool dry dust
Questions of the empty breeze, disbelieving to the eye
Explanations unweilding, though you must
Clocks ticking onwards, the steady march of time
Waiting on the side lines, the way forward totally obscured
Silent motion, one foot in front of the other like mime
Never really moving at all; uncured
By the bright yellow sun's shining rays
Alone for now, until things change again
At the crossroads -a decision- a forking of the ways
A choice to be made, it’s now or never: but when
Eternity comes a knocking, at the gentle but creaking door
Can patience outwit the certain tragedy that awaits
As snarls and echoes of a long-lost pride, no more
Powerful beats roaming land, dead and dying; that hates
All those who traipse wearily along as well-traversed paths as you get
Oblivion waits quietly, only time will reveal the ending
The final chapter of the book, unwritten as of yet
While the very last lines remain unknown from guessing
Although that never stops the expectant, ever
Through sight-shrouding mists of hatred
As long withdrawn feuds all reignite
Even though you all hate outright; these days of the dead
Improve not one bit, the trials ease a little overnight
So that lonely walks of life become intertwined
And one life's ending starts the dread cycle anew
Soon, not long to wait now; though fires all well-defined
Burn strongly in Hell's cold light as some strange clue
Of destiny's path, less worn and well-travelled of late
Until a fiery dawn signals the turning of the page
Into the final chapter I fling myself and to fate
A toast, in scarlet from my own, the cruel cage
Locked, the key gone -buried in shifting sand
Say goodbye to your confessors: you shan't need those so inept
Wave them away as the pages turn in your hand
And lives end and begin; though I cannot take one step.
Chapter 23: Walking Hand in Hand
Chapter Text
We're walking together
We're side by side
Hand in hand, we wander
Walking together, until we stand
In front of a statue: grey and cold
It's of two people
A woman and a man
Their arms are linked like ours are
And their happy smiles aren't missed
Two girls are stood behind it
Laughing with ribbons in their hair
We ask them what they think of it
And they smile some more
Even though we do not
They say the statue is of love
And both of us just freeze
Slowly we lock eyes
I see understanding
And also fear
Turning back towards the children
We ask what kind of love
They frown -as if they are confused
"It's Love" they say with a shrug
Once more we're afraid, so we ask
"And what is that"
Then it's their turn
To be scared
Though it's only a little
By our ferocity
Our desperation
And as well, our sadness
Watching them closely
We ask that they answer
They reply -hesitantly- that they do not know
Then one glances
At our interlocked hands
"Do you love each other?"
One of them is asking us
I freeze
But she simply smiles then replies
"What is love?"
But the girl is looking at me now
And I'm struggling to swallow
Slowly I nod along with her
My tension unacknowledged
"Well?" she repeats
Though other girl replies to her
"They do, they really do!"
I pull away: Instantly
And then she lets go of my arm
Leaning down
Down to their level
She smiles, so gently and says:
"Yes, but not the same Love as theirs"
And all our eyes lock on the statue
Onto the cold, grey stone
We are friends
We are friends
We are friends
"But you know there are other types of Love"
"Other than that type?"
"Yes" I answer- just real quiet
My first words uttered to the pair
They turn towards me
Their gazes steady in my direction
"Like our Love"
I take her hand
Again
She squeezes it, just briefly
Then she lets it go
She lets my hand go
She let go
And I can't hide the hurt
As it flashes across my expression
But still she doesn't see
And I don't think sees me at all
The two children are called away
We are left alone
The two of us together
Just us
Except not any more
I can't meet her eyes
Because of the all half-truths
The lies
Lies that fill the space between us
She lied
I lied
We lied
And then she takes my hand
She squeezes it tightly
Like she would never let go
Like she never will
Like she never, ever let it go
But then I look up
Past her eyes
Past her
To search for the girls
The ones from before
And I see their parents go round the corner
Their children obviously in front of them
Obviously
So, they have left
They have gone
And only then does she take my hand
Again
A tug- only small
It's miniscule
But insistent and impatient
So we're wandering
Walking side by side
Until I stop
Until I let go
I remove my hand
I pull away
And she's no longer beside me
She's no longer right by my side
She's directly in front
Eyes boring holes into my skin
Into my defences
Into my secrets
Those lies
They return
But with vengeance
I say two words
Two small words
Miniscule really
Three syllables
That's all
"I'm sorry"
She's impatient
Insistent
And impossible
So, I turn
I turn away
I turn my back
Quite deliberately
And I know
I know, exactly what I'm doing
Exactly what I'm turning away from
What I'm turning my back on
It's more than a teenage girl
It's more than a friend
A good friend
A very good friend
It's also hope
It's also a future
It's all those possibilities
The potentiality of life
And of Love
And I just turn my back
Out of the corner of my eye
I watch her, as I watch
She stiffens
And a tear trails down my cheek
Then she reaches out
I see her
In my peripheral vision, I see her
As she stretches out a hand
And I don't move
Not one inch
No, not one centimetre
So, she walks away
She turns swiftly in the gravel
I hear it crunch under her
She takes one step
It's followed by another
And several more follow that one
Neither of us say a word
Not a single word
The air between us remains tense
Taut and fearful
And it's getting larger by the second
As her legs carry her on powerful strides
Further away from my back
That is still resolutely turned away
More tears have followed the first one
And I know more will follow them
Then even more will follow those that follow
Finally
When I can only just hear her steps
Her well-known steps
I turn
My eyes swiftly search
And lock onto her like target sights
Then she's out of sight
Around the corner
And I can't see her
She's gone
I can't see her
She has gone
More tears stream down my face
"What have I done"
Whispering to myself
I sink to the pedestal beside me
The cold grey stone now under me
I look up at the statue
The man and the woman
Who caused so much trouble
Who caused so much pain
"Not true"
My thoughts are whispering
"You did this"
I continue to cry
"This is all your fault"
My fault
"Your fault and no one else's
It's my fault
It's all my fault
"Excuse me"
A hand taps on my shoulder
A small one
A young one
And I look up
Into the face of one of the girls
The laughing girls
The ones with ribbons in their hair
She is looking at me, sadly
So I wipe my face
Brushing away the tears
Scrubbing the sorrow from my expression
Not well enough
Not if I look at her frown
But with a small smile
Miniscule, really
I say:
"Hello, Can I help?"
"She really does love you"
The quiet reply I cannot ignore
I start- anxious of her observation
Then I hang my head
"No, she doesn't"
But all the girl does is nod
Her head nods up and down
I shake mine once again
Then twice and three times more
"Yes she does."
The sweet child tells me again
And I can only look at my feet
Gently
Gently
She nudges against my side
"Look"
She murmurs
And slowly my head rises
Chin up
I glance at her
But she simply points away
To a well-known figure
Hurrying this way
With a few flowers clutched in her grasp
I rise
Startled
Afraid
And with a glance to the girl at my side
I take a few steps in her direction
One, two, three
Then I falter
Fear taking over, fear taking hold
I cross my arms
Hugging them against my body
As I watch her get steadily closer
My anxiety rising
As her powerful strides carry her towards me
I want to run
And I want to stay
I want to hear what she has to say
She reaches me
And reaches out a hand
It comes to rest on my folded arms
And I jerk away in response
Silent
We face each other
And she holds out the posy
Though I'm aware of the other girl joining our side
Their ribbons are shining brightly in the weak sunlight
And I cannot bear to look at their smiles
I'm staring at the ground again
As I slowly reach out my hand
It joins hers
Around the flowers
She's clutching in her grasp
Still not meeting her eyes
I take them and hold them tight
Her hand has not left mine though
Our finger intertwined
With this limb she pulls me closer
'Till her arm loops round my side
I rest my tired head on her shoulder
That well-known resting place -I remember
Lifting the dainty petals towards my face
I breathe in their gentle scent
I smile dances across my features
It's only a small one I know
Not sure if it will stay or not
The two girls both hold their breath
When at last it settles, into a decidedly lopsided grin
They both explode with cheering
As I jump and we both begin to blush
Their laughter and shouts echo all around
But no longer am I ashamed
Or afraid
As I lean into her
And just breathe in
She holds me
Close
And I feel safe
Like she will never let go again
But even though she might
And at some point- I might too
We both know this Love
This extra special Love
This special Love we share
That's ours
It will keep us safe
Together
Walking hand in hand.
Chapter 24: What it means
Chapter Text
Do you even have a clue?
Do you know at all,
How much each quick and simple gesture
Moves me beyond words to enthral?
A single moment, held quietly in memory
A cheery 'morning' ghosts the air- so silent in your wake
A wordless wave goodbye as you drive away
Make the difference between life and death, between sleep or staying awake
The pressing dark, the eternal sleep; it calls so often: daily
But your gentle words and unconscious actions, that I remember even when I’m home
Calm me and console me and call me on, to continue this life where you roam
A small tight smile, although you are stressed, greets me if we meet
In the face of pain -I can laugh- because of a smile so small yet sweet
So can I ask you, beg you please; to continue in this way
Though I wish I could but face you and see if these actions betray
Just how much do you care, truly?
For this worthless human being
Good for nothing: I am a burden to you
So I apologise, but ask you do your duty
Keep up this act- this pretence of caring
This resemblance of a reason to live
Keep the lie living and I'll keep living too
My heart will beat, while hope is daring
But have I the strength to evict it?
In favour of the truth, despite the awful sigh
Perhaps death may be a painful truth
But you know life is a beautiful lie
And I know which one I prefer
But my question is, which do you?
Chapter 25: Easier
Chapter Text
Why is it so hard?
To put one foot in front of the other.
Why is it so hard?
To go to bed and sleep.
Why is it so hard?
To hold my head up high,
And walk on although it hurts,
Every single day.
It should be easy,
To see my face in the glass.
It should be easy,
To hold a blade so near.
It should be easy,
To wait for someone to judge me,
Even though it happens,
Every single day.
Why is it so hard?
To love one person but not another.
Why is it so hard?
To open up a door.
Why is it so hard?
To breathe, each breath I breathe,
Each one before the next one,
Every single day.
It should be easy,
To say a word and not be hated.
It should be easy,
To laugh and smile so freely.
It should be easy,
To leave my house each morning,
Yet every single day,
Every single day,
It's hard, so hard.
Why is it so hard?
For me.
Chapter 26: Lying Senses
Chapter Text
Eyes from the doorway, peering into my world
Watching as though shrouded in smoke
Ears from the corner, listening to conversations
Hushed tone that echo -though muffled
Hands on the table, chairs and paper
Writing, drawing, typing -covering up lies they spread
Faces frowning, disapproving and displeased
Then anxious the next moment, framed with restless worry
Snatches of discussions, words drift faintly on empty air
Subtly not removing all that unrelents which may linger there
Art and cryptic stories -created with the same limbs
Mysteries in different fonts and frames but capable all the same
Blinded, all in darkness -unaware and unprotected
No sunsets, no flowers, no features of those held within
Deaf to the soaring songbird's sweet trills
Moving through a silent world of gestures, alone
Fragile and unable -amputated or paralyzed
Which brings the biggest burden into a world already built on lies.
Chapter 27: If maybe, just maybe.
Chapter Text
If you hate me, then just hand me a blade
I you dislike me, then watch my legs bleed
If you can't even tolerate me, even for a while
Then come and listen to my heart break
As I lose my reason for life and to smile
If you cannot stand me at all, then pass me those scissors
If I disgust you, then watch as my skin scars
If all I do is burden you, every single day
Then watch as I cry in anguish, over you
My precious shining sun's golden ray
If all you feel is hatred, Let me die tonight
If all you think is 'useless', Let me leave right now
If all you see is a failure, Let me fail no more
And free you all from this burden I have become
And be released from this life, so sore
If you tell me you love me, you must be lying
If you explain that you care, it cannot be true
If you want to trick me, once more into feeling
Then I'm sorry, but I won't be fooled again by you.
Chapter 28: Imagination
Chapter Text
Do you know what it's like
To sit there with a blade, clean and new
Waiting, or maybe wishing
For someone to come, to stop you
Can you even imagine how it feels
To put that silvery edge to your skin
To watch as it cuts through flesh, your flesh
And the scarlet flow starts to begin
Do you have any idea what it's like
To constantly know where the nearest scissors are
And to pry at a sharpener, to smash it with a brick
To be so desperate to get that pain and the eventual scar
Can you imagine for one second, please
How lonely one must feel each day's distain
To find comfort in a sharp blade edge
And to use it against one's skin, again and again
Chapter 29: I want to say so many things
Chapter Text
I want to say I love you
As I watch you disappear back through the door
I want to say I've missed you
When I see you again, once more
I want to tell you how much I care
About you and how I think of you when you're not near
I want to promise you that I won't lie to you
Ever again, or that I won't give up to the fear
I want to believe that you love me
And say that I love you too
I want to believe that you miss me
And say that I always miss you too
I want to believe that you care about me
Because I care about you so much
I want to believe that you don't lie to me
Though I lie to keep you in reach of my touch
Please tell me that you love me again
I do love you, I swear
Please tell me that you miss me too
I miss you whenever you're not there
Please tell me that you care about me even a little
I care about you so so much, believe me
Please tell me that you won't lie to me ever
I won't lie to you if you don't lie to me.
Chapter 30: Friendship's end
Chapter Text
No one listens to what a friendship should be
No one cares about the friendship that may be
No one thinks about what a friendship could be
No one sees the friendship that might be
Who really hates in a friendship that's public?
Who actually loves in a friendship that's secret?
Who wants to know about a friendship of laughter;
When all anyone hears about is its conflict
True, some know the dangers of loneliness
But so few fully know it's power
Fewer still know it's burden intimately
Even less understand what it can drive you to do.
Chapter 31: Onwards
Chapter Text
I know that old sensation
I could describe it as if you knew
For we all know of it a little
Though we deny it often too
That way of moving forward
As the whole world turns away
People always carry on, although
Perhaps they're break is due
A moment, a minute, or more - you think?
Just to pause and reflect and renew
Refuel and stock the batteries
So that come rain or sun we can resume
To tread the path of whispers
Lies so white they shine like dew
To keep ourselves protected
Maybe for each other, most of whom
We strive to please and comfort
Even while our muscles weary, our bones too
To soldier on, to keep on marching
On foot in front of the other - marking
Time until our shared pain is easing
Raw until as if slowly dying
With it all perception numbing
As we insist we're fine, as we reply 'okay'
Sunrise fades into a brand new day
Together we love, come what may
Though rain still falls on fresh-cut hay
We smile and laugh and grin and say:
Tomorrow is a new chance
That dawns like a memory upon us
We expect it, prepare for it often
But still it's arrival is fearful
Can we welcome this shy traveller
So fleeting yet impacting it's stay
Do we turn away the opportunities clutched
In its outstretched arm, in hope
I want to think not; as we dig down deep
Into unknown reserves of strength
As we persevere, as we carry on!
Like a kite in the winds of change
That drive us one, and drive us all
Together, forevermore
Chapter 32: Gas tank life
Chapter Text
I feel... Empty.
Not anything wrong, exactly.
At least I don't think so.
I know wrong. I've been there
Done that, got the t-shirt.
But this isn't like that.
I'm fine, perfectly fine.
Until I'm not... Quite.
Strange, isn't it? How
My life seems fine,
Okay, great even.
But I still feel...
Empty? If I feel
Anything at all.
I don't like it. Feeling like that.
So I don't let myself. Mostly.
I don't sleep much - harder to process
Things when you're not entirely
Awake, nor properly functioning.
I don't really eat. Except when
I'm trying to fill that void,
Inside of me. That just sits there,
Quietly murmuring. Like a grumbling
Tummy. Or indigestion.
But not... quite. More like a black hole
Big and huge, a landmark in time and
Space. Empty, empty space.
Dark and deep, never endingly deep.
And dark. Pulling me down, down.
So I feed it. With pain and anxiety
With blood and tears, and some
Other things I'd rather not name.
But still I am empty. Hollow like a
Tree that is dying or dead.
Am I dying or dead? Not actually,
Of course, not in reality. But maybe...
Some part of me, some part that I
Only remember from my earliest years.
Is dead and gone and... Lost.
So very lost, from me. Now.
Maybe I'm like a jug, meant to be
One thing: full of water, purposeful
Useful... Doing. But spends my life
Sat still silent -dead and inactive- on
A shelf somewhere. Am I simply on
My shelf for life. Is that it? Is that why?
I feel, or rather... Don't. Feel that is.
Anything, but empty. Empty. Empty.
Chapter 33: Riding a Bike
Chapter Text
I can ride a bike
I learnt when I was young
I remember pedalling along
Yelling for my dad to not let go
Eventually he did, he let go
Of course he did - and then I flew
I could do it on my own
No, don't roll your eyes
I didn't think I could
But he knew, he let go
And you know what
I trusted him to do so
I can drive a car - sort of
I'm learning day by day
I have proper lessons weekly
With an 'instructor' all serious
And intent. I don't have stabilisers
It might be easier if I did.
I got no training wheels or special bike
No padded patches on my elbows
Nor even thicker ones on my knees
No helmet, just 'impact' metal
To keep me safe (and her)
Only that dual control to guide me
I'm learning something different now
Something far more serious and intent
More joyous and freeing, or even safe
I've got to get it right - but here's the thing
There is no right or wrong with this
No way to get it wrong, no way to fall
No way to crash - kinda.
There's no safety net, no training wheels
Just me, out in the world. Free - just me.
No instructor (only 'how to guides')
No father's resting hand
Nor mother's home-cooked food
I'm learning to adult, you know
No smiling - I'm quite serious
To go out there and be. Just be.
Yes, to work and earn my way
And like, have a home - a place to stay
But there's no rush to get there
No hurry for me. I want to enjoy the journey
The winding cycle track in the country
Through fields, round bends and down hills
Along busy - although stressful - motorways
Past houses and businesses and factories
Watching and enjoying all the while
Chapter 34: Frozen Vacancy
Chapter Text
I sit, passive. Silent.
Dead to the world.
And equally, myself.
'i finally understand'
My emotions, along with
Their friends: motivation
And awareness, leave.
I catch at them as the exit
Pulling on their arms
They drag me along for
A while, as they walk out
That door. And I am alone.
'please don't slam the door'
Dead, or dying. I cannot tell.
I don't not feel. I just feel
Nothing. The world is numb.
Nonexistent, like me.
'here I'll stand and here I'll stay'
Solitary. By choice? I stare
Out of the window. Looking
On the world like a bird from
A lonely wheeling wing.
'let the storm rage on'
Beyond me. Outside of me.
Distant. Seperated. Removed.
I am invisible, hidden in plain
View, unseen though many see me.
I go unnoticed, unobserved,
Isolated. I wish to feel: something.
But feeling is no better.
'the cold never bothered me anyway'
This is easier. I do not care.
Not by choice, never by choice.
But this way is simpler, neater
Calmer. No, not calmer. Stiller.
Is that even a word?
'sometimes I like to close my eyes'
The world seems different, from
Behind a closed door.
A door slammed in my face.
Never to open again?
I feel trapped, if that's something
-Something to feel- then
'people don't really change'
I'm silent. Motionless. Always...
Time slows beyond my perception
And I am alone, forever. And ever.
Treacle? Some kind of sticky
Cloying substance that drains
My already limited energy and
Turns all my movements sluggish.
My limbs feel heavy, I cannot move.
I cannot feel, I cannot move,
I cannot breathe. Suffocated.
'you don't have to keep your distance anymore'
I am sinking, in a bog. Sinking sand.
Drowning, air limited, space minimal.
There's a rope, thrown to me.
Lobbed over great distances,
Of tomorrow to today. I grasp it
Grab it with both hands
Hold it tight like I will never
Ever let go. Not in a million years
Not in forever. A way out.
A path in the fog, air clearing.
Mind strengthening as I
Increase my grip.
'for the first time in forever'
I haul myself along. Bodily
On the ground, dragging my mind
The emotions and their pals
By their heels - those old Achilles-
And fighting to be free. To feel,
To stand, to talk, to walk,
To breathe. I am alive.
I think? I hope.
'at least I've got a chance'
Chapter 35: Past meet Present and his fiancé Future
Chapter Text
Past meet Present, I introduce them
And Present meet Past, they shake
I lead them on, to Future where she waits
Present hurrying eagerly, ahead of me
And my own fast-paced steps, Past drags
His heels and whines, complaining
Replaced by the fiancé and the Future
Future embraces Past in welcome
Tossing a brief kiss to the cheek of Present
In consolation, like I would toss a stick to
A puppy to keep him busy and distracted
While Future performs - her dance of satisfaction
- Luring in Past to sit at the table. Dinner
Is served for Present she beckons, as
Welcomed again (now that Past has been
Dealt with) Present perks up, much like
The puppy I mentioned, and yet another stick
Is lobbed in his direction, as Future seats herself
In the most prominent position. The head of the table.
Mistress of all. She orders Present to kneel on the floor.
And then, only then, does the feasting begin.
As the pair gobble up all the best bits of Him. He lays
On that table, knocked out but awake; as they consume
His heart and stomach leaving only hollow remains
And a bad taste in the mouth, that sour and bitter fruit.
Illicit and deadly, banned for all those like you.
Chapter 36: Peace to all
Chapter Text
This moment, right here, is peaceful
I want to remember it for the rest of my days
The air is still, weighted but not oppressive
The sun burns high in the cool blue sky
I watch it through the window, from between
A crack in the blinds, that shift and float on the breeze
We're reading, working gently, smoothly, calmly
Sat alone but together, on a table and two benches
The surface not quite smooth and a pale watery grey
The blind lifts on a gust to but against our heads
Stroking our hair and nudging our shoulders
The silence is broken with stern words
As it's put back in its place, once again
Only to emerge sooner or later in the day
Someone goes to the water fountain, quietly
Not stirring the air any more than a whisper
They fill up their bottle with chill clear water
The gurgling from its passage fills my ears
The click of a pen and the turn of a page
The tap on a keypad or two, and the slurping
Gulp as someone sips from a bottle or icy can
It chinks slightly at it's placed back down
On contact with the table, it greets it solemnly
My book placed face down, it's pages spread
Its large donated title stares up at me
Wide eyed, uncomprehending. It's contents beckons
And draws me in. I indulge myself once more
I turn, rearrange myself to face the room
My back to the wall and the window above it
Mirroring my friend on the other side on the table
We both read, our heads bent over our novels
Earnest and intent on the stories within them
The words dance through our minds
And though they may not linger, it is my hope
That this afternoon will, for a long time to come
The vending machine starts up its routine again
Humming away to itself as it cools that which it guards
Another click of a pen, the tapping that goes with it
All simple screaming of procastination at its best
The table shifts as someone stands, stretches
Then moves off on some errands or mission
Silently, without a word offered in explanation
As none really is required, for any of us
Who sit here, quiet, peaceful, calmly gently working
Reading, to our heart's content. Safe and secure
For we have worked hard enough to warrant this
We have earned it with our toils prior to now
Earned a break, earned a rest. Earned this afternoon
For relaxation, for reading. To sit with our backs
To the window, to the sun and the breeze and
The blue blue sky. To just be, and to read
And right now, in this moment: all is at peace.
Chapter 37: When is a cut, not a cut
Chapter Text
A cut isn't a cut unless it scars
Unless it heals slowly, arduously
And means weeks of paranoia
Weeks of wearing long sleeves
Constantly - even at night
Because anything can happen during sleep
A cut isn't a cut unless it bleeds
So it beads up in a red dotted line
Like the dashed line for a signature
To be blotted away with a soft tissue
Making distorted patterns as if with red ink
But purer, and yet fiercer, all the same
A cut isn't a cut unless it stings sharply
As sharp a pain as the blade that makes it
Shocking and shudderingly gasp-worthy
Like a blast of icy air into a nicely heated room
A pain that is the entire point - initially
That proves it's point each time, and again
A cut isn't a cut unless you regret it
At one point in time, or other - that guilt
That goes hand in hand with long sleeves of concealment
The self-beration that causes it's own unique agony
And the desperate fear and unshakable certainty
That it will all happen all over again,
and again
Chapter 38: Life-ring
Chapter Text
I struggle towards the surface,
With a splash and a rush of water:
I'm free. But now I'm not, now I struggle
To float, you'd think that after nearly
Drowning, I could swim. Apparently not.
I flounder out of my depth, throwing
About my limbs -generally making a mess.
A crash of waves, another swell of the sea
I'm all alone, I'm struggling to breathe.
Surely someone will be looking, they'll
Notice I'm gone. Surely, surely - I'm free.
Air, precious, precious air: I never knew
How much you meant to me, before. Now.
This has been an experience, a learning
Curve. Sure, sure. But let it be over. Is the
Struggle finished? My energy is fading
My efforts failing. I am beginning to sink.
Breathe, breathe: The surface rises above me
I fall, I fall and fall. Or do I sink.
The momentum is the same, of course
But still, it makes no difference to me
Help me, help me! How can you not see?
I am drowning! Far out at sea, I sink down
Down and down. Help me please. Don't let
This be my last ever memory, of hopeless
Lethargic paddles and weak strokes, up
Towards the light and the air and, and, and...
Arms under me, drag me up out of darkness
Heave me to the shore, onto solid reliable
Masses. The earth never felt so strong, so
Sturdy. The world never seemed so good
Nor alive... I am alive? I search for my saviour
Where is that kind soul, who saw, who saw...
Me. Where did they go? Can I not thank them?
Or did they leave... Have they gone, too? So I
Stare out across the raging, roaring - beckoning-
Sea. The ocean waves, hello, I say: I cannot breathe.
Chapter 39: Writing it out
Chapter Text
1- I'm still hurting myself
2- It's a part of the same twisted cycle,
Of act... Regret, build-up, act
3- Its still something that worries people
Which means 4- I still have to hide
So 5- I have to wear long sleeves
In early summer but not June or July
But
1- It does no real damage
2- Mere bruises (contained and controlled)
3- They fade (important one here)
Leave no scars, no permanent imprint
No thin lines of failure littering my skin
Just bruises, contained and controlled
That leave, that fade, that go - no more scars
4- It stills hurts (this may sound crazy I know)
But I need the pain (that keeps you trapped?)
So 5- Can bring relief (instant delicious stinging relief)
This also sounds sick I'm sure
But to explain would go off track, so let's
Move onto 6- Is defined (another weird one)
Important is the shape of the matter
Blobby burns or pinpricks of blood
Are not comparable at all to the sweet solace
Found in a miriad of straight (rigidly so) lines
This achieves that goal, soothes that need
7- Quicker 8-Cleaner 9-Safer Three in a row
No blood... No need for tissues
No need for antiseptic clean up crews
No trying to carry round a blade
(That is in fact illegal)
Nor any of the other excessive items
Required for safe acquisition of sanity
(If momentarily)
10- (Important but somewhat dangerous)
Easier to hide, to conceal and therefore do
11- Can do in the open, no need to hide
Quick and easy, just under the table
Pull up the sleeve and go ahead
Never caught, super subtle...
(But is this good or bad)
12- (handy and somewhat neglected)
They don't ache for hours on end
Nor are they sore or liable to bleed
For all of the next day, they do not trouble me
Only there when I need, and so
13- The effects last (an underrated essential)
It must be economical (strange as it seems)
Each act must have significant enough effect
Or else the act itself is not worthwhile
Even without the excess and all the mess
Even without weeks of hiding and cloying long sleeves
Even without the overly lasting pain and sting
They must do the job for which I do the thing
I have to decide (soon)
Before others make the decision for me
Should I go ahead...
With something better in every way
How can 5 cons possibly outweigh
13 pros to carry on straight away
Does some other part of me
(That thinks it knows better)
Cry out through the haze to tell me I never
Need to do this again, I don't need
To do this, again... Again I fall into the trap
I embrace the pros, ignore the cons
And just don't look back.
Chapter 40: Relapse
Chapter Text
I catch sight of them in the mirror
So many raised, red and angry lines
Stark against pale and long-healed skin
They could be steps, if more varied
Or maybe sooner bumps, if more spaced
To me they are an army advancing
Marching steadily along my wrist
A Roman legion, a phalanx of scarlet
That tramps along my arm
Following the rivers of blood within.
They sting as the water hits them
Warm water, I hoped would soothe
Instead, unapologetic, they sharply sting
As if sliced and bleeding freshly new
They will fade and heal, with time
And more warm -unsoothing- water
I resent how they will leave me though
To become scars invisible to most
But for now they simply bloat and swell
In healing fluence, after this shower is done.
They are clean, not quite new and still neat
Before scabs and scars replace them
Cleaned, with stinging that rivals the cutting
To remove the black dried mess of old blood
Flaking, it comes off in flecs and as dust
Clogging my nose with its harsh scent
I shan't bandage them, or even cover
They need to breathe and rest, they say
Or they would if ever someone saw them
My eyes alone witness this weakest of strengths.
My sleeves raised, tucked up, rolled
Forearms bared in contrasts
One arm healed scars lie pale and numb
Where shadows and memories intertwine
The other a riot of visible colour
Strong yet still weaker than the other
Here I bare them, I bear them solemnly
See them, drink them in, and revel in the lines
Before other gazes can worriedly veiw
I close them off, and put my failures away.
Chapter 41: Getting Reacquainted
Chapter Text
Welcome old friend
Well, old acquaintance
Get away enemy, fiend, demon
It's been a while
It really has, hasn't it
Leave me alone, I beg you
How've you been
Well, I hope
Please, why can't you leave me be
Listen I was wondering
Maybe could you...
Get away, demon
Come back another time
Perhaps, I'm afraid -
I don't want you here
I'm rather busy just now
Another time? Yes, yes
Go, go! Leave me in peace
You want to stay?
Hang out for a while
I was just fine, I did just fine
Well, if you want
If you insist
I did okay, without you
Okay, if you want to sit
No? Oh, well then
I don't need you, not anymore
Well I'll just, be over here
Are you comfortable?
Maybe I did once, once
You may be here a while, eh?
That's fine, I guess
But not now! Not now.
Can I get you anything?
Yes... Oh, I didn't realise.
Please leave me alone.
If that's what you want
I suppose I could, maybe
I don't need you, I don't want you
Just this once, mind
Of course, well go ahead
No, no, no, no. Please!
I'm sorry, it's just, it's
It's been a while, okay?
It hurts! I know it does, you can't fool me
Sorry, sorry. I know, I shouldn't...
Ow! Right, I'll just...
You can't trick me, not anymore
Please, could you just let up
I don't, yeah, I'm sorry
Let me go! I don't want to.
I'm not used to it, yeah, sorry
Just give me a minute
I know I don't want to, how can you...
Just a minute, I swear to you
I just gotta breathe, alright?
How? You convince me, every time
Please, please no. I just want a break
Please, I'm not used to it
And yet, I know. I know the truth now
Fine. There you are. Old acquaintance.
But only because we're old friends
I owe you! Really, pull the other one
I owe you, yeah, but after this
No more, okay. Please.
Fiend! Leave me be! You can't have it.
You okay? I know, I'm sorry. I'll do better.
Yes, yes, give me a minute?
Why? Why, why do you want to...
Well if you insist, oh, okay.
Ow, sorry, I know I know.
Stop it, stop it! Please. I can't...
Let me go, okay? I just want to,
I've got stuff to do. I'm busy.
You have to go, you need to leave
I'm busy! I'm stressed?
Yes of course I'm stressed
Please leave. I don't want this.
Hey! No more! No more, not again.
You don't need this, neither do I
My enemy, old enemy, my oldest...
I don't need this. No, listen to me!
I don't need this! I don't need...
Enemy. Hello again. Welcome.
Need you! I don't! Let me go!
Leave off now, you can't!
Yes, I've been well, how're you?
You can't have any more.
No more! Go away!
Yes, yes, I know. I was trying...
No more. I need you to leave
That's all I need from you
Trying... To forget, to leave you behind
That's all I require, I don't
I don't need you, I don't!
I should go, I shouldn't...
Go, go, go, go. I don't want you here
I'm different now, I'm better
Why are you here? Why come?
Better off without you. I swear
Don't laugh, don't! I'm serious
You can't do this, you can't just...
I don't need you, I don't want you either
You should go. No!
No! Leave me alone! Let me have peace!
I want you to go! Please, please, go.
My old friend - I can't.
Peace, peace at last. I want it so much.
Old acquaintance, goodbye, go now
Go, and leave me to my peace
Peace in mind and body alike
Peace; from you and your...
Thirst and your hunger, I don't want you
Leave me to my peace, eternal peace
You can't have it, no! No! You won't!
Not this time, not ever again.
Enemy, demon, you will leave! Now.
Friend, be my friend no longer
Acquaintance, reacquainted, farewell.
Myself. The world, it's woes, to you I say:
Goodbye, goodbye a thousand times over
You leave me, better. I am better without you.
I don't need you anymore.
Chapter 42: Sleeves
Chapter Text
A strange criss-cross pattern of raised skin
Etched as a carving into cool flesh
A dangerous piece of artwork only in bright crimson
Turned into itching black brown of scabbing
Only to fade to pale lines ingrained in
Yet beneath the long grey sleeves
A lingering stinging, a sensation known all too well
Latched onto the dark memory
Of holding sharp edges against shadowed wrists
Gripped by the screaming agony once again
As colourless fabric rustles against a cruel poem that was made in hell
All beneath the long smooth sleeves
Gently the material is lifted, pulled upwards and across
Exposing the dubious beauty, that's been there all along
Inside the mind, recently brought to the outside world
Scarlett of blood dried in grooves so carefully crafted
To form the letters necessary to spell
Out the words of hatred, remembered- never forgot
Though beneath the long grey sleeves
Chapter 43: The body of an Archaeological dig
Chapter Text
The body is a site of great destruction
Purposeful, wanton, horrific destruction
In the past, that's certainly the hope
Not long past at all, but definitely past
And now it lies, solid for now, somewhere
In the ground. Cold but still with purpose.
One day they will dig it up, and find it there
Lying passive to their comings and goings
Helpless still, so nothings really changed
Just no breath, no air stirs while the eyes
Stare upwards. Unfaltering for the first time.
Hands chill in twisted claws, frozen and timeless
They'll trace all the marks and 'lesions'
That decorate the bare skin and soul
The scars and wounds unhealed and healing
And count the bruises from head to baby toe
They'll measure the length of each cut and slice
Categorising by depth and width the extent of damage
Inflicted by who? As the database of injuries progresses
And the theories and musings take flight
Into the air on boundless wings, the ideas
The potentials and wonderings are set free
Names for things more commonplace than air
Are bandied about, like a tennis ball in a game of catch
Getting more and more technical, in Latin and Greek
The intellectual property expands and deflates
As the debate kicks up a pace and the documenting
Comes to an end. It's natural conclusion
Some might say, still the arguments are passed
Round and round, it's enough to make a person
Dizzy. Spinning webs of confusion along with doubt
Over the body, that still cold dead body
Found in the ground about 2 miles south
And though it all ends and it's packed away
The body moved elsewhere, to fire or to grave
The discussions finally ended, just drift to a finale
As the marks and scars and bruises become
Mere words on a page. Listed in columns,
Their dimensions like a shadow by their side
And the trowels and spades and brushes
And dusted off and put away, waiting for the
Next time: a body is found in Suicide Glade.
Chapter 44: Beach Alone Time
Chapter Text
They've all gone off and left me
I don't really mind
It's sort of late and getting later
But the sun is still quite high
The waters are gently lapping
Soothing music to my ears
The breeze is cool and softly stroking
My arm, my feet, my cheek
The lulling light catches in the ripples
Of undulating ocean just over there
It spreads it, increases it, illuminates the air
There are birds all about the water
Perched on rocks overlooking that sea
The cliffs in the distance, yet close to me,
Are probably filled with their offspring and wives
They glide in the air, lighter than the clouds
Fluffy and ghostly that form their backdrop
To vast and spectacular aerial displays
Of fluttering, flapping candor
The lullabye of the ocean, it's whispers in my ear
Remind me of those moments I cherish
When I am held close and tenderly
Until my slumber is quite clear
The water guides me sleepside
Into ever deeper and quieter reverance
All for the natural maturnal parent
And childhood's ever present friend...
Chapter 45: Walk a mile in my shoes
Chapter Text
My life is different, complicated, strange
Step
At least that's how it might seem
Step
To you, an outsider, stranger, unknowing one
Step
So let me take to opportunity, now
Step
To try, my very best, to explain - just a little
Step
My life is so very treacherous and filled with deception
Self-deception and betrayal of myself, I might add
Step
Everyday I lie to myself, and trick myself into peace
To be frank, if I didn't, I would be dead and buried
Step
Well not dead exactly, definitely gone, but just...
I would not be here, now, to tell you this, so...
Step
You see the thing that makes my life so strange
To you, and to them and often, to me as well
Step
Is I find myself walking a bridge, it's very high
And very unstable, and the slightest thing
Step
And I mean, the SLIGHTEST thing, can... Trip me
And then I fall - though not necessarily - I have not ever fallen
Step
Yet. But you see here's where it gets difficult to comprehend
Because these things that trip me, and knock me flat
Step
Might seem the slightest, most insignificant thing
To you, but you are not me and I am not you
Step
So take a walk in my shoes: try not to stumble too much
It's absolutely terrible for the seams and soles
Step
A little thing, so small, so pale and faded.
Like an old scar, I wander across one time
It's white and simple but so so significant
To me, my brain and those ever tripping feet
Step
Or on occasion, I find, instead; a folded up
Tissue, tucked away somewhere, wedged
Holding onto old stains, dark and crusty with age
Far longer than my body takes to replace it
Step
What's often the most obvious, and therefore
Easy to understand, is when I find some
Forgotten sharpener, it's original use long since displaced
It's casing holds empty air, the hole is screwless
Step
Do you see now?
Please tell me that you understand.
Step
How I keep both my feet on the ground,
Is this logical for you, does it make sense?
Step
Because, no matter what, I know that
I can only keep up the pretense so long
Step
Before I trip, before I'm triggered and the shot
Step
That is waiting to be fired, with minimal aim
Step
Unnecessary for its purpose, is released
Step
And that bridge, you walked side by side with me
Step
Becomes the moment of my greatest treachery
Fall
Chapter 46: I Wandered
Chapter Text
I wandered lonely as a cloud
My feet taking me where they wished
They led me to a world of stones
That guarded the home of infinity
My gaze wandered over their words
The when and who they shielded
From those simple phrases formed
My own short passage for such time
As everlasting rest comes as rewarded
And my deepest sleep becomes eternal
Such words came as comfort to me
Whilst wintry wind ripped through that place
Mine eyes did water, as a result -not
At all, due to the reminder of mortality-
For "Like the sunset on a summer's day,
She gently and pecefuly faded away."
I wonder -I cannot help- how and why they sleep
Under what foreordained circumstances
They last breathed in deep
These stones that mark their slumber long
Have worn and eroded though they remain
Until this day and icy morning
To now, as the frames below are dozing
And I wander -lonely- over their earthy beds
As I contemplate their constant rest
My eyes catch and linger on one stone
Placed there stiffly many decades ago
I read -detailed on its grainy face-
A name and dates, over whom it stands
Guarding, from the dog-walking passerby
So I realise what I already know
That they prayed over them
As they laid them down, low
To rest, in heavenly eternal arms
But in order to mark a life since done
The stones are heaved under the sun
To shield their heavy dreamless sleep
And guide those after, gently down to meet
Their own end and careful moving on
With peace, and poetry carved upon
Those stones gathered above them here
As we wander quiet and choose to hear
Their long-lost words of silent advice
That guide us on into dark nights
For: "Christ will gather in his own
Asking not if we can spare them
If he asked us we should say
Lord we love them, let them stay."
Chapter 47: Shadows
Chapter Text
I have shadows on my skin;
Left likes smudges of dirt or mascara
But as they sink deeper in
Farther than I could have known
They create shadows all of their own
Some are hard to see, others not so much
They all tell stories that I don't want told
There are so many shadows, lying under my skin
Whispers of moments left out in the cold
Painting a picture, describing a scene
Of when the shadows were not quite as old
These shades lie forever in my flesh
Left there by moments of weakness
Remaining through endless scrubbing
No ordinary dirt or grime clings on
As beyond my skin it waits and lingers
Entertwining round my heart -all through
my veins- it hangs on and whispers
These shadows are imprints of thoughts come to life
I am branded hesitantly by moments of strife
Reaching into the future, reaching into now
They twine around my arms and legs and heart
Echoing every second that passes, in my brain
Until many more shadows are made, until nothing remains
Time is a cruel master, thats screams out it's orders
Mean fingers that poke and prod, until each memory resounds
With a sharp jab as a reminder -unnecessary as ever-
But provided so freely by the tyrant, the watcher
Forever is longer than I thought, it always is
Tomorrow they'll still be there, and every day after this
Will I never escape those shadowed thoughts, emotions, voices
And will those shadows only fade in my dark memory
Chapter 48: Mirrored
Chapter Text
I look in the mirror and who do I see?
I see a stranger staring back at me.
I stare at the mirror and what do I see?
Some other life that's exactly the same
But really how can this be?
My life is mine how can others remain
I look in the mirror and who do I see?
I see a stranger staring back at me.
I stare at this stranger who recognises me
How can she know me, how can she know?
She's looking beyond my skin, into my soul
Changing her perception where others may just go
I look in the mirror and who do I see?
I see a stranger staring back at me.
Chapter 49: Dystopia
Chapter Text
Tell me what to do in future
Tell me where to go as well
Tell me what to think -whatever-
The way I know you will.
Construct a life that's what you need
Not want nor wish on people
Form structure out of chaos please
Create meaning through cruel means
Regimented and orderly:
This is required of me now
And of all the rest, like soldiers
Fast paced, they walk the same way
You control what I do and say
You control thinking- or at least think you do
You control what I feel; maybe, sometime never,
As I'm sure with time and power, you'll achieve
An all encompassing command
The reins of freedom held onto tight
Never once consider letting them free
To tumble and crumble into the ashes
Forgive me my remarks of anger
Treat them as frustrations
Forget my acts of rebellion
And think of them as juvenile
View my brain as only a think tank
For your use and for your pleasure
View my body as a vessel
To bring life or death -whichever
There is method in your madness
To this wild hope I still cling
There has to be a reason though
While more and more become accepting
Please tell me what to do each morning
Please order me around like a dog, untrained
Please command my every waking hour
Please control every moment of the day
You've convinced me -You've assured me
That all done is good and right
You tell me to just trust you
Rather than jump to opposing the fight
The enemy is mankind set free
Whether in thought or word or deed
We strive to stop the danger
That's what you tell us to believe
So stop those tempting thoughts of yours
Join others in numbing their response
Become a mindless drone of obedience
Resist the vicious and heartless of thoughts
Now gag up those hotly spoken words
Shouted in earnest in the street
Or muttered with almost equal fervour
Under the breath between the bread and beans
Also bind the hand that strikes the weaker
Restrain the bully and bouncer both
Violent while also tender actions
Turned away and now revoked
Today is only this day, now
But tomorrow's a brand new start
To fix this mess we call sweet home
And to reinvent life with peace at heart
How would you become that tyrant?
Many would never believe the truth:
That trusting in the everyday ordinary
Can seem outrageous to someone new
Maybe it's not a future worth having
Maybe to stay alive would be a harsher fate
Maybe tomorrow's problems should be ours -only
Or maybe we think much about our final resting place...
Chapter 50: Words
Chapter Text
I want to float away: on an ocean of whispered words
As paradoxical proclamations make up the sky
I drift below in a boat made of a lyrical lullaby
I want to float far: beyond a horizon of sleepy sighs
Into a daydream of quiet questions, echoing
Through a mist of rhythmic remarks, flowing
I want to float on music: a song written with veiled vows
To create a melody, as pure and as true
As the ancient affirmations from which they grew
I want to float on a breathless breeze: I want to fly!
Within cold clouds constructed from caustic comments
Amongst the sweeping gulls of silence, though momentary mumbles resound in their brains
I want to float on wind: on the back of racing remarks
That muddle and jostle the insults and boasts
And confuse the running of gibbering ghosts
I want to live forever: and die
In the embrace of imparted implications
Their jovial tune may ring in my actions
From their learning till they are forgotten.
Chapter 51: The fateful domestic
Chapter Text
Can you long for something impossible
And really ever hope it's there
Waiting in your future for you
To realise it is ready, to only meet it's stare
Maybe in my fate and long awaited 'destiny' Intertwined and woven with so many
I may find myself at a table
That has seated at it: my family
A wife or a husband, a baby - girl or boy
The happy picturesque ideality
I know it cannot happen, nor ever really be
Except in my head, in my mind and memory
Along with all my other dreams
Of being young and alive and free
To long for a family - that domesticity
To love and be loved, cannot be unique to me
Perhaps some others muse and ponder
Not just at their irrefutable predestined fate
Out of theirs hands, what can their plans
A difference; ever hope to make
But also with hope and wistful prayers
Do they look forward in yearning to life
Life for the living, life for the losing
Life; once it really gets going - without brakes
I long for that distant horizon
So far away, yet so seemingly near
I want a family of my own: devising and career
To nurture and to cherish, to worry of how to lose
To be a part of, to complete me
Without some heavy burden laid
By work and jobs and the tediousness
Of life lived without dreams' filtered lens
I want it sooo much, can it ever be here!
So I yearn nor long nor pine, no longer
Free to be: to love and be loved
Oh can my heart's desire come to me!
But I must go out and look for it
Not just blindly sit by and wait
Life's out there for the taking
I must not rely of fate.
Chapter 52: A Christman Morning
Chapter Text
Have you ever been awake, early Christmas morning And you're waiting -counting down even-
For seven o'clock, when you can get up?
Perhaps you have, but not like I have.
When you're counting down over 90 minutes
Because it's actually close to half five
And you've been up all night.
And you're not counting down because you're excited
Quite the opposite, you're so wrapped up in
Your thoughts that you don't even notice the time.
And that's the danger.
See, you become so trapped
Your thoughts intertwining into an cage that
Holds you fast, so its unbreakable- inescapable.
And you're waiting for the start of the day
For the seven o'clock that means day is here
That means the dark of the night time is ending. You're not counting down for Christmas Day
You're waiting for another day to begin.
Any day: you just want it to start.
In this wasteland of a middle ground
In the transition of night to day. Early morning,
When the awake flounder in a turbulent sea of Relentless thinking, ruthless in its choice of targets.
Because you're counting, actively counting, numbers-
One after the other- whispering them under your Breath so as not to disturb the others around you, That are getting their peaceful, luxuriant rest.
Counting to waste time, to use it up.
Purposely forcing it's passage, from seconds to Minutes and minutes into hours.
Just to keep your thoughts at bay
Just to keep those dangerous thoughts in line.
There's a single string of rope, rather short and rather thin.
You're twisting it about your fingers. Anxiously Moving it around, demanding your muscles to keep Moving, to stay focused on their actions; to ever Prevent their straying. Until they gently- hesitantly- Find themselves stroking their unsteady way
Along the multitude of scars that litter your skin.
Have you ever done these things, thought these thoughts?
Felt the echoing numb as you wait for someone- Anyone to make contact, to force you to be here
Be present, be alive.
I'm counting, chanting the numbers
The murmur of one barely ending
Before the ringing of the next.
Loud into the silence the echoes dance.
Thoughts are so disjointed, jumbled and chaotic. Words flicker half-formed in my head
Like a crowded street they scramble to remain
In the light of the lamps, away from the shadows of the gutter.
And so I write. Poem after poem, until a dozen
Are started and half that are complete.
Forming structure and pattern out of disorienting chaos.
Using time - wasting time? Waiting for it to pass by.
Because I'm counting.
Counting to guard against the shadows
Both in reality and my mind.
Crying too.
Crying just to tire myself, so that maybe I can sleep For the first time in days. Crying because it's better Than thinking. Maybe. I'm crying for the day
Gone by, the day that's been wasted. I cry for this day To come, that will probably be wasted too. I cry for all My past days and all my future days, however few or However many remain. And I cry for others past days, For their struggles: their triumph's and their defeats. And I pray too.
But once again I'm counting.
Its creeping closer, number after number
Indistinguishable murmur after indistinguishable
Murmur, mumbling until my lips can hardly form the words.
Am I alone in this.
This unreasonable terror and deadly numbing.
Am I alone in saying I am afraid for tomorrow
More than I am for today.
Have you done these things: have you?
Because I have done them; I do, do them
And it almost kills me. Year after year.
And in one thing -one thing only- I am certain;
That these things: these thoughts, these deeds
And these feelings.
They will finish me.
Chapter 53: Inescapable
Chapter Text
They will always be there - that is my view
Wtaching me, looking over my shoulder, judging
That's just how it is for me, that is how I see it
They will always follow me - wherever I go
I cannot escape their whispered voices and mocking
Their laughter echoes through every moment
Whereever I go, whenever it seems I am free - they follow me
They will always hate me - no matter what I do
I can change my hair, my clothes, my voice my words
Even my thoughts, opinions and preference in life
But they will always hate me...
Chapter 54: Let us pretend to be human
Chapter Text
Let us pretend to be human
Like we have bones and blood and lungs
With hearts that beat out life's relief
And muscles that contract and extend
Let us pretend to be human
With a mind like a engine whirring
A brain that never sleeps nor falters
Unless rebelling emotions interfere
Let us pretend to be human
And walk where no other creature walks
Through cities and streets, houses and schools
Fly in the sky or float on the sea
Let us pretend to be human
And think beyond the simple
To recongise ourselves in a mirror
And theorise and philosophise forever
Let us pretend to be human
Because what else are we to do
Walk like apes and eat like monkeys
Use our fingers and thumbs
Let us pretend to be human
And immerse in our civility
We have culture like no other
Art, music, dance and literature
Let us pretend to be human
No matter what they say
Delve into our every thought and word
Begin again and be born anew
Let us pretend to be human
Instead of what we truly are
Betray our blood and bones
Turn away from culture and the civil
Let us pretend to be human
Fall from the sky and sink in the sea
Forget fire and tools and opposable thumbs
Revert back to our earliest design
Let us pretend to be human
For is that truly who we are
Use our minds like treadmills
Burn up emotions and memories
Let us pretend to be human
And live beyond our means
Fly out there somewhere distant
To far off stars and midnight days
Let us pretend to be human
When we meet our cousins and neighbours
To show our best side - not true colours
As we settle in cities and streets
Let us pretend to be human
In houses and schools of a different world
Breathing air with lungs not ideal
Hearts beating blood in outer space
Chapter 55: Past Tense
Chapter Text
We are ships that cross in the night
Your face I see standing beside me
When I gaze at night in my mirror
Cataloging bruises and scars on skin
Our photos hidden away but treasured
Clutched to my chest whenever they see
The light of day - stroked lovingly
As I would your hair, if you were here
Familiar words in your voice I hear
Like a childhood friend, like a part of the family
Like heart, lungs, brain - they reverberate me
All through my memories, deep into my emotions
Wiping away my scars and taking away my blade
Shining a beacon to guide my way
My precious lighthouse on a stormy eve
Safely we drift to the shore
By the dawn we sit, intwined on the beach
And you rest your head on mine
As we watch the gale blow in
Removing all signs of a storm
All marks on the cliffs and debris in the surf
A clean sheet - to wrap up in with you
And so we do
Chapter 56: I am that I am.
Chapter Text
I'm queer but they tell me I'm asexual
I'm a Christian but they say he's not there
I'm a cutter and they order me to stop it
I'm depressed and they don't know I'm there
I'm anxious but they say it's all in my head
I'm worthless but they try and convince me I'm not
I'm unstable as hell and they don't know it
I'm suicidal -in tendency- but won't lose the plot
I'm autistic they tell me, but I no longer care
I'm tired, always tired so I tell them that too
I'm giving up -I can feel it- and they say I'll be okay
I don't know who I am any more, if ever I did
As a queer, that's fine by me
I have my label fitted
I know it, within me
I am that not different
As a Christian I do believe
In a God almighty, lord on high
Who loves me- perhaps
But through whom all is created
As a cutter I bleed a lot
On far too often a basis
And whenever that's not happening
I fight with those urges and rages
Depressed I am down, low and blue
Like an inverted sky witholding it's hue
Anxious I fret, over the petty and pointless
Stressed and unapologetic, I panic unheeded
Worthless I know it, regardless of conviction
Others show in their act to preserve my adhesion
Unstable for certain, I carve words into my arm
Proving my instability, along with addiction
I'm suicidal, yes, often and calmly, if that can be accepted
In the back of my mind, there's always that solution
Of the drastic and permanent variety
I realise, but still now it lingers
I'm autistic, that's recent, at least the diagnosis
That's what they tell me, trying to categorise my faults
Find a box that fits, if not most or all but enough
To allow my labelling, of my self by outsiders who don't know me
And through all this I'm tired, sometimes I don't wonder
How can I not be, when my existence seems a blunder
I wish I could accept who I am, every part of me
But how can I live a life, where my reflection doesn't reflect me
I'm tired and bewildered and somehow still alive
Despite all the misgivings and strife
I find myself peace, and comfort if I may
In the hope for another, that may come my way
Not human, surely, to cope even a second
With this mess of a person, so errored and broken
I wish, how I wish, that I could be something worth notice
To exist and be a little more than pieces
Of a puzzle, to be solved, to be fixed
Why must identity come in little bits
A realisation there, a medical opinion here
Fragments of a person, not whole or even partial
I am who I say I am
Not who you say I am
We are who we are
Not the sculptures of cold-
Hearted strangers, onlookers from a distance
Instructing, disconnected in stance
While we wander, unaffected it seems
From the labours to tug at our seams
I am queer, just as I am Christian
While each juxtaposes the next
I am a cutter and still unstable
And each leads the other to itself
I am depressed, I am anxious
Both together is simply like hell
I am worthless- and invisible too
And so I am suicidal, are you even surprised?
I'm autistic if I dare to be, and maybe if I care
And I'm tired, so so tired that I what I want isn't there
To give up, a pipe dream, I'm too busy right here
Right now, living this life I am able to lead
Living as me, and my identity
Whoever that may be
Chapter 57: Apart from the whole
Chapter Text
It feels like... There's something missing
Almost as if... There's something wrong
There's a quiet voice in the back of my mind
Whispering practically constantly today
Just a nudging niggling feeling
Persistent though I dissuade and proclaim
It's not real - it's all in my head
Yet the thoughts keep on calling, it's true
There's just... Something not quite right
My arm in my sleeve is too smooth and clear
It brushes painlessly, calmly against the fabric
The slick material sliding unresisted
There's no sharp sting, no burn if I prod it
No cuts, no healing wounds, no seeping blood
I have no blades in my pocket nor
Hidden inside my pen. I carry no
Emergency tissues or antiseptic wipes
No old blood-blotted toilet paper
Squashed into the dirty depths of my bag
I'm not... While - without them
I look at my wrist and only see
White paleing lines - only visible to me
In a special light: at the right angle
And brightness, and because they
Are only half there - brought fully
Into reality due to my own fading memory
Of when the skin was littered with angry
Red lines - a lattice of bloody choices
I have no more to make - I will not take
A chance with the blade in my sharpener
At home, in a drawer, wrapped in tissues
Forevermore.
Chapter 58: What words to use?
Chapter Text
How can I explain all that you do for me
Quiet, simple and ultimately kind
Things you say and do, go unnoticed
Even by yourself - let alone any others -
So can I (may I) take this moment, please
To declare my unending gratitude however extreme
In the only way I know how, in poetry
And list for you the ways you make my life sing
First of all, I just have to do this orderly
So I'll start with the simplest action there can be
A smile. So small, and yet so meaningful utterly
Despite its sweet, overlooked nonchalance
Then: a short word - or 'phatic expression'
Of morning or hello or whatever
Just a greeting, unspecialised and impersonal
Effective and welcoming no matter the weather
Next I think I'll have to be a little more serious
And honestly explain what an impact you make
With your help in every single line of every single essay
Patiently (mostly) guiding my wording over pages
Now to round things off, let's be more optimistic
And show you exactly what your poke and prod tactics
Do: so crystal clearly, leaving no chance, no room
For my doubting, however fervently, of the fact
That - in fact - you do actually care.
Somehow.
Chapter 59: To feel or not to feel; that is the question.
Chapter Text
Feel:
It hurts,
I'm not sure what.
I'm never sure what.
But something, somewhere
Inside of me, is hurting.
Or stressing, or worrying
Invisibly but so so strongly,
And I can't stop it.
I've got no control
Over it, over any of it
I'm afraid of my fear
And I'm afraid of fearing it.
Spirals of ever darker emotions
Drag me deeper into the depths
Of my despair or anxiety or
Just pure frustration,
At myself and my emotions.
How they control me
Not I them.
Not feeling:
I am numb.
Three words such power
Of description and
Simple explanation
This is why I do not
Speak, or see or respond
I am deaf, and blind
And numb.
Numb to all, including
Myself and the world
In equal amounts, they
Are nothing to me.
Not out of choice,
Not because it's what I want.
But because... I don't know.
I really don't know.
But I don't care, no that's not it.
I want to care, I think
I really should care
But I just can't.
The well of motivation
Inside me, is dry
Bone dry.
And I am empty.
Chapter 60: Talking Trapped
Chapter Text
Can I talk to you?
What did I do?
If I was annoying you, why couldn't you just say
Why couldn't any of you just tell me?
Every day now, I fight with myself, with my brain.
It wants to -I want to- end it,
Because I can't keep doing this any more. But I fought, I fought and fought,
Because I believed that's what you would want,
That that's what you'd like me to do.
And now...
Now I can't speak to you,
I can't be near you...
I miss my friends.
You've all gone
You've all left me
Why did you leave me?
What did I do wrong?
I'm all on my own now
And I'm not winning any fights.
I can't win this fight, I've got nothing
To fight for, not on my own.
You were my reason, or one of them
All of you were, because I didn't want
To hurt you, any of you.
I couldn't do that.
But now...
If I died today,
If I wasn't here tomorrow,
I could not confidently say
How you would feel,
Would you care?
A week or so ago I would have said
You would, I would have said
That you were part of the reason
I wouldn't be dead by morning.
But now?
I don't know if I'd believe you care,
As much as I'd like to, as much as I need
To believe that, that there's still a reason
To carry on, I'm not sure I can anymore...
Sorry.
Chapter 61: Blank stare over my head
Chapter Text
Here I am, this is me
I'm quoting those I'd rather be
I'm standing here, next to you
And you've no idea what I'm here to do
I'm waving my arms, screaming your name
But you never see me and things never change
'The seaweed is always greener' they say
But I'm reluctant to wait
For you to find some other
And leave me here in your wake
Chapter 62: Shame of Suicide
Chapter Text
I am Ashamed, that is my name,
And it's what you should call me,
For it's who I am, I am full of shame,
Its hurting me, please make it stop,
It's knawing on my insides,
For all the blame that I forgot
Do not know when to let it rest
I let them down, and now I rot
But as the blood dripped on,
Until that wall I'd built came tumbling down,
The only thing I thought really:
'Oh crap! How can I hide this?' - clearly
Because I'm trapped here in my silence,
It grips me and won't let go,
And all I know is whispers
Pushing to cut my throat.
Chapter 63: Rollercoaster
Chapter Text
i am not using my escape hatch
my short cut (though not literally)
my easy way out - easier -
that means i'm stuck
like a broke-down car
pulled to the side of the road
out of the way of those
who carry on freely - unshackled -
with their lives. unlike me.
i've got not brakes, that work
that i can use, that can help me
i've got no steering wheel
no control over my vehicle
my thoughts, emotions - running wild
there is no speed limit for them
no bumpers or crumple zone
to help them if they crash or falter
definitly no insurance if i fail
i am free from my dungeon
and on the road again
but i am paying my price
every day i drive without them.
Chapter 64: The correct way to eat a Wotsit.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
With a fork.
That's it.
Just that.
With a fork.
Not a knife.
Don't be silly.
Why would you
Use a knife
To eat a Wotsit.
But a fork
Well yes of course
I always use
A fork whenever
I eat a Wotsit.
It's to avoid
The orange
The just gets
Everywhere
That icky spread
Of toxic bright
That infects without
The metal.
Not only that
But I feel like I
Can enjoy
Can savour
Each Wotsit better
By taking each
One by one
Out with my
Fork - stabbed
Like a worm,
Ready to be bait -
I can enjoy it
More. I feel
The texture
So much better
The every crunch
And crisp munch
Extra vivid in
My mouth.
So you see
The only way
To eat a Wotsit
Is with one
Instrument
One technique
One methodology
A fork.
Notes:
This is honestly how I eat Wotsits - I could blame my ASD... But it's still: 'quirky'. :-)
Chapter 65: Only
Chapter Text
When you only have one moment
To tell them all your goodbyes
When all you have is one moment
How can you say what's on your mind
When you could write a hundred pages
Filled with a thousand words
All just to tell them, what?
That you're sorry, that you forgot?
Or just to say goodbye... Why?
When all you have is only now
Only one moment - that's in this instant
How can I say that I'm sorry (please forgive)
Because I only have one moment
To tell you all that I'll miss
There isn't enough time, there aren't enough words
To tell you how much you mean to me
I only have a dozen lines to do my best
So you could understand today
If only I could have more than one moment
But I only have right now
If I only have today then what happens to tomorrow
If my world is ending in just a few hours
Then my moment is beginning
And there's still not enough time
But somehow, right now:
I've got to start.
Chapter 66: On a day like today.
Chapter Text
Is it wrong to be happy
On a day like today
Is it ever wrong to be happy
It is wrong to feel joy
Or to laugh or smile
Whenever is it wrong to do that
On a day like today
Such laughter is outlawed
Everyone trying to be sombre
In every face I pass I notice
The gentle prompting to be glad
But we push it down for today
On a day like today
It cannot pass.
On a day like today
All we feel is helpless
Unable to cope in being
Unable to help them being
Sad. If sad is what they are
On a day like today
Oh for a magic wand
Or wishing well
Or genie in a lamp
I want to wash away
The pain, the tears
The heart-wrenching
Ache that I see around me
On a day like today
It is everywhere
So when someone asks
If you're 'okay' know
How infuriatingly useless
Both the asking and the
Answering are.
On a day like today
No one should be 'okay'
In fact the way I see it
What really you should
Ask is, are you not...
On a day like today
We must be strong together
Not conscious of pressure
Not overly aware of the
Tears that fall pardoned
On a day like today
Or they should be
Which means they must be
On a day like today
No one should cry alone
In secret, tucked away cold
We must cry together!
Is that what they say?
When they ban laughter
Or smiles to creep onto
Rightly tear-stained faces
We cling together, alone
Cautious of over greiving
As much as over feeling
Joy or happiness or anything
Good.
On a day like today
There is only room for weeping.
Chapter 67: To not be okay.
Chapter Text
I didn't know her
I don't think I've ever met her
I only see that they have
That they did.
That they are hurting
And sad and upset and
I can't do anything about it
That makes me sad
And upset and hurts me
It makes me mad, furious
And raging all over the place
But it makes me cry too
Like I'm crying over her
I'm not. Not really.
I'm just crying over the impact
Her loss has made, will make
That's why I cry and can't stop crying
That's why I'm not okay right now
But is that okay? To not be okay
For this, not to be okay for this
But about this.
To cry for the changes
To cry for how it hurts
People I care about
To cry for how helpless
And useless I feel.
And selfish too. Because I cry
They think I knew her too
And that's not true
I didn't. What I am crying for
Is simply that I can see
How much it hurts them
And that makes me hurt too
Is that wrong? Is that not okay?
To not be okay, on a day like this day.
Chapter 68: This is not right.
Chapter Text
This is not how it's supposed to be
They are not supposed to be asking me
How I am, whether crying or not, that
Isn't how they are supposed to act
This is not right, they shouldn't be asking
They shouldn't care what I feel - which is nothing
They are the ones who are hurt and greiving
Why would they question how I am feeling.
This is not okay, to feel this fumbled
When they are so very clearly troubled
I cannot help them, nor they me
That is what tragedy seems to be
It's everywhere, in every eye
The quiet tear, ready to cry
How hypocritical of me to say
That only those connected can be this way
Chapter 69: Itching
Chapter Text
Imagine, for one second,
An itch. Not just any itch.
The biggest itchiest, most
Itchy itch in the entire
World – no, universe!
Imagine it, under your skin
Itching away, doing its thing
Digging into your brain
Infesting your every thought
Every action, a part of the itch
Now forget it – throw it way
Remove the thought from your
Brain, your body and entire being
It no longer itches – why would it?
Or does it linger somewhere in your mind
Do not itch. Do not even twitch.
No tapping of fingers, not even
The ritual stamping of feet
Do not itch that massive itchy
Itchiest itch in the whole world.
Ever. Not ever, can you itch
That awesomely persistent,
Irritating, debilitating itch.
Ever. You’re not supposed
To even think about it.
Can you do that? Just push
It away – all thoughts
All memory of its itching
Can you? Then to pretend
Not one bit of you itches.
I cannot. I cannot do it.
Heart-felt applause on you
If you can. But for me –
It is impossible. To not itch
That massive un-itchable itch.
So I do, every time. Sometimes
It takes me a little while
To give up – to give in and itch.
But I always do – eventually.
I wish I didn’t – but I do.
So if you can imagine such an
Epically-large itchy, itchiest itch
EVER – but not itch it at all, like,
Not one teensy bit, then bravo,
To you, who are better than me.
Chapter 70: I'll cry you a river, if you hug me a bridge
Chapter Text
There is no hope for me, now
I am lost in that vast and deep sea.
These tears I cry, they fall pointlessly
As I hide in a corner, desperately stifling
My every sob and sniff that emerges
Lest someone would hear and maybe
Want to help me - worthless stupid me -
And then what would I do?
Stand up and admit there is nothing,
And I mean nothing, they can do
Or say - except perhaps the simplest
Kindest and most impossible action
Of all, offer me a hug. Sometimes
I think that is all I really need. A hug.
It doesn't make it better - at this point
I know that nothing really will -
But that so very often underrated act
Of arms around me, meeting on my back
Can offer acceptance, coupled with a smile.
Not of sympathy or even empathy
(for that means they have suffered too,
And I would never wish that for you)
Just of acknowledgement: of our own
Inablity, to 'fix this' anyhow we can.
And a hug, just a quiet gentle simple hug
Can show me that you understand
But also that, maybe just maybe,
You care - just a little bit - do you?
Chapter 71: Crosshairs
Chapter Text
It wasn't aimed at you,
I didn't do it to hurt you.
I didn't want to hurt anyone but myself
And I did, quite successfully.
But the thing I didn't count on
Was you getting caught in the spray
I didn't think you cared - enough -
Or at all, if I'm being really honest.
I'm not saying that's why I did it
But it was a reason to not not.
Do you get it? Yeah? A little?
Chapter 72: Transcript [138]:
Chapter Text
I have a suggestion.
A little exercise of sorts
If that's okay with you?
Just tell me if your feeling
Uncomfortable or whatever.
Okay? Right. Now then, ready?
Focus on your feet. Yeah, I know!
Every detail of them. Focus.
Slowly clench them. Really tight.
Tighten up all the muscles.
All the way, tight! Tense them.
And now concentrate on that.
No no, don't look at me - concentrate
On your feet, only your feet.
Now, slowly, move it up your legs.
Curl them, stiffen them. Tense up.
Tighten up the muscles. Gradually.
One by one. There you go! Focus.
How do they change, when you clench
How does that feels - to control that change.
Now keep it moving. One section at a time,
Easy does it. Stomach, chest, shoulders.
Arms and hands. Tight fists - don't dig
In your nails, that is not the purpose here.
Focus! You are wound tighter than a spring,
So? Spring it! Let it all go at once - release it.
On the count of three: One, two, Three.
Release! Yes! Let it all rush out and leave
And relax, flex your feet and your arms.
Shake out your fingers - good. Very good.
And breathe - don't forget that you know
Its kinda vital. Deep breaths, in and out.
Slowly, bring it back down, and calm...
And, calm... Breathe in through your nose.
Out through your mouth - come on now
You know the drill by this point, surely!
There we go, easy does it. Gently - be kind
To your lungs, I'm sure they'll appreciate it!
And be kind, to yourself. Do this whenever
You feel overwhelmed, like you have no control.
And just... Let it all out. Feel better? Good,
I'm glad.
Chapter 73: The Truth of Time
Chapter Text
They say that Time heals all wounds
Well I say why should it be able to
Some wounds I do not want to heal
I need them, their presence stops me
Mainly from creating more, just think
If I permanently had half-healed cuts
I'd never cut again - probably, maybe -
Scars fade, I mean it's kinda what they do
But in my head all I'm screaming is just:
Why? Or: How could you do this to me?
I feel... Betrayed. By my own skin, by my
Own body which just keeps on going
If when if really rather it wouldn't
It just keeps healing, working away to
Close the wounds, seal them up then wash
Them away with Time. Time, of course
Helps willingly, even joyously. Sadistic right?
They say Time heals all wounds
Even the ones it's not supposed to
That I don't want it to, that I can't lose
But of course, still do and still will. Always.
Time heals cruelly and without remorse.
In my head, I liken it to a gunman just
Opening fire, spraying bullets into everything
Alive, dead, inanimate, breathing, conscious
Thinking feeling, it doesn't matter to the gun
It just shoots when it's told to.
Like Time does, when I cut and bleed
I'm practically putting up a poster, saying:
Come on, I've got some healing for you!
I've got some forgetting to do, some erasing
To occur... What are you waiting for?
Erase them. Hide them away from the present
Leave them in the past - let me move on?
Is that what I want. It doesn't really matter,
I don't get a choice either way, so come on
Wipe away my identity, wash me free of all
That ties me to here and now and everyday
Wash me away, as in Time all will
I will be nothing, a number in a box
One name on a list of millions
So all I can say, beg, cry, beseech, scream, is:
Why don't you hurry the hell up?
Chapter 74: The wall will always win
Chapter Text
'What have you done to your hands?'
'I picked a fight with a wall - the wall won.'
She doesn't understand, but how can she
I am just so indifferent - ambivalent you could say
To every scratch and bruise that blooms on my skin
It does not phase me - it simply cannot
This gentle tracking of every stray cut and lingering mark
That was once my everyday - though
Now that may not be true, memory prevails
I remember days spent counting fading scars
Tracing ageing marks that littered my skin
Like clouds in the sky or plastic in the ocean
Polluted I was, but now it doesn't matter
Why should it? My everyday is now an silly
Overgeneralised thing of every-once-in-a-while
So when she says to me: what have you done?
My answer will never be anything but sarcastic
There is no use in lingering (not any more)
No point in hesitantly whispering my issues of the day
That is as silly as making the wounds in the first place
And my pointlessness quota cannot overflow
Whether I pinch or punch, welt and bruise
Cut and bleed. I stay the same. It is...
A part of me now, and it's never going away.
Chapter 75: 200 days
Chapter Text
Two hundred days - that's a powerful number
Nearly a third of a year gone by
Ten lots of ten, times two: or maybe four lots of fifty
What a lot of days to look back along the beach at
So many minutes and hours spent and done
Shall I tell you how it feels to be here, standing
At the end, of my tightrope-road I have undertaken
I'll give you a metaphor, that's complex and simple
It feels like, to me, I've been walking for a long time
But I was told, by my brain, by my body and by the world;
That I couldn't walk without two crutches, one on either side
And I put down one crutch, that was fine and agreed
But then as I reach this flagpost with its numbering
On a banner flying regally high, I look down to see
No crutch holding me up at all. Not one, or even two
Nothing there to support me - so I topple
I crumble and fall to the ground, how could I
Possibly stand without a cane or stick to hold me upright?
Except when I open my eyes, I'm still standing
Up straight, if unbalanced and wobbly as hell
But standing tall - taller by the minute - as I look back
At the road I had travelled unconciously under my own steam
I feel: betrayed? As a child learning to ride a bike
Feels when their guardian let's go from their back
When they're off, flying and soaring, but all they can say
Is 'why did you let go' - even though they did just fine
Without aid, without a crutch to support my weight
So did I. I flew just fine, I lived and dreamed and breathed
In the air each morning, without those puppet strings
Keeping me upright in their merry dance across the stage
Without my guarding hand I soar, without that
Magic feather as Dumbo knew, I could still do it
Without that fairy godmother to wash away all
My problems without my ever having to face it
Without that wish upon a star ever coming true
Without that crazy genie in a magic lamp, without that blade,
Scarlet red and cradled in my lap. I did it myself...
I made my wishes come true, my dreams reality,
I reached the flagpole with its resplendent colouring
Stating proud and clear: 200 days! In all its glory.
Without my crutch, either number one or number two
And even without a single 'bibbity bobity boo'
I reached my goal, all the way out here and looking back
I think it's clear, I didn't do it on my own. Sure
There was no crutch to keep me up, nor cruel puppet strings
To control my limbs' every jump and dance
But there was a fluffy pillow on which to rest and sleep
And kind words with a rebalancing hug or a smile to keep
Last but not least, I saw whenever I looked down
A mad gigantic net below me, to catch me if I fell
Because those special fairies you must believe in,
Are those secret, crucial, loving, ones that we call friends...
Chapter 76: The day of the birthday
Chapter Text
You only turn eighteen once right?
You gotta treasure it and celebrate it lavishly
It's not that I don't want to turn eighteen
Apart from it being a sign of going forward
And never ever backwards, a signpost directing
Me headfirst uncontrollably into my future
It's not that, at least it's only slightly that
In my head it's just another day, at most it's
Just another birthday, those times I have dreaded
For the past five years at least, avoiding any
Grandious, exuberant, over exaggerated celebrations
I don't see what there is to celebrate and why should any one else
That may be what I don't understand about a party
Why anyone would take time out of life
-Out of the hetic everyday we are all used to-
For me, to celebrate my continued existence
Despite everything the world and myself have tried
Eighteen years of being alive and I got bored after 13
And yet I'm still here but this was not the end goal
Ever. This was not where I wanted to end up
Not where I envisioned myself a year ago or three
Why would anyone waste precious time on me
My mother is prescribed to, but only in particular doses
My father and sister take their portions as carefully
As someone on a diet facing a plate of pizza
My friends get sick of me in their own way
And I never demand attention nor attachment
Meaning no over-extended time spent in each others'
Company excessively. I give them the fire exit
The quick and easy way out because I cannot
Believe they would not choose to be anywhere
But there with me should they have the option
If I'm being honest, I know that I wouldn't
Physically and everything-else-wise impossible right?
I don't care anymore. Just like I don't care about
My birthday, that big one eight. An adult - how terrifying
I'm barely succeeding at 'human being' level
Now I get an unmanageable unavoidable upgrade
To Adult. Because of an extra month or couple of days
I think I am making progress and I no longer hate
Myself, or want to end my life. And then I stare
Face to face in the mirror with a person who cannot
Bare to think of their birthday coming around
I thought I was excited, I convinced myself I cared
But when I came to planning a party I just wasn't there
I'm not sure if it's anxiety over socialising and the rest
Or if it's truly because I can't put my hard-won
Friendships to the test by asking them to choose
Me over all the many possible things they could
Otherwise do. Who would pick me over extra
Revision the last weekend before our full mock exams?
I know I would not, do they understand how that
Excuses them forever from my forgiveness, they don't need it
I am so scared, so immobilisingly petrified that, to me
If they came it would be out of 'duty to friendship'
Or some other thing I could not ignore in its ridiculousness
I don't want people wasting their time for that even
More than I cannot accept them wasting their
Dear life (there is only one for each of us) on me
So for my eighteenth birthday can't I just be alone with me
And come to terms with getting older, how I feel
A hundred-year-old would when they realise
They've been living for a century, a hundred years
Yet I've been here for 18 and it's feels like it's the same
It's not of course, how could it be, but that momentary
Epiphany is here now and I'm days away from
Waking up 18 instead. I cannot stop nor slow
The slipping sliding course of time as it flows
Ever onwards to some imperceptible goal at the edge
Of reality and all that we know. If I could I wouldn't anyway
Because no matter what I turn 18, like everyone
Else before me. And I cannot stop it all I can say
Is why celebrate just another boring day
Yes I was born 18 years ago today but that doesn't
Make it special or magical or precious in any way
Because it's the day two days before a big exam
And I for one am not going to spend it without
A book in my hand and revision notes in my pocket
So who cares if no one's there or everyone I've
Ever met is. (Though if they are I'll run a mile)
But I do not want to let them down these people
Who I do truly care about, and have convinced
Themselves wholeheartedly (for the most part)
That I deserve this outpouring of joyous company
That I am worth taking to time to come over
And simply say: 'happy birthday' right then
And there, on that especially crazy 18th birthday day
Chapter 77: If we were women without men
Chapter Text
If we were women without our men
Would we just be 'wo' instead
Would our lacking in the other gender
Somehow reduce our status in the singular
Could a loss in one part of our nature
Mean a loss within our self resplendour
Or could a removal of the weakest link
Profit all who dragged the weighty chains
If we were set free from our allowances
And constant coddling and sultry soothing
To stand up as Wo, not secondary of men
Not second to one half of us, how about
They're third behind our great and best
And we'll stride off into the universe
Having cast off those sinking males
'Mankind' is dead and we will thrive
Survival of the better species, now becomes
A gendered race, because once we know
That we can simply replace that lesser sex
We'll do away with those of inferior nature
And live in single sex status forever.
Chapter 78: Time heals
Chapter Text
The truth is: time heals
But not in the way you might think
Or hope, or need - if we're being honest
Time blurs and fades things
It takes a fresh cut and turns it into
A pale scar, lifeless in comparison
It dulls the sharp edge of pain or grief
It allows you to forget and forgive
Even if perhaps you shouldn't
It covers all memories in a film
Of concealment, only translucent for
The brightest parts of remembering
To shine through. So yeah, time heals
Some would say all wounds, but me
I think if you try, if you hold on tightly
With both hands to the memories
Using photos, items: evidence of events
You can survive the cruel, brutal
Faceless merciless passage of time.
Because time heals all wounds
Even when we don't want them to
When healing is the last thing on our minds
When all we want is to feel pain
And more than that, keep feeling it
No matter how much time passes
We punish ourselves with the memory
Until time comes along and scrubs
At it like one does grime until bit by bit
It is washed away. Not the evidence of it
Nor the photographs showing before
And its companion, after. Just the
Physical reality of its existence. We can
Still remember, still punish ourselves
With old hurts now long made clean
And new skin covers them in healing
Time takes her arms and wraps them
Around us, holds us close no matter
How we struggle against her continuous
Unpreventable inescapable passing
Slowly she pulls us from the darkness
We step, still coiled in her embrace,
Blinking into that forgiven healed light
And stand there, shaking with the
Forgotten and it's evidence spread
All around us shouting for our attention
To garner our support for its remembering
But we move away, following the ghostly
Tug of time and her mission to fulfill
Our lives no matter the price
No matter how we long or dread it coming
Still it comes. She comes no matter what
We do or say, or think or feel. She arrives
Because time heals all wounds
Softly, gently, caring yet uncaring as to
Our cares in that moment or any other
Her job is to heal and she does it so well
Indiscriminately and without prejudice
She does not judge only acts in peace
Never restless, she knows her own time
She walks beyond our understanding
Of past and present and future.
She rules, she is queen. And we bow to
Her whether we know it or not.
For we do now, though we grasp old
Illicit memories and say nothing
When the slip through our grip.
Time heals, forever and always.
No matter what.
Chapter 79: \Photos\
Chapter Text
These photos I have taken
The ones that others might hate
Or recoil from, or at the very least
Regret... They still have power
Over me. Though they are old now.
That doesn't change a thing, they are
What they are, and what they are
Is what they show. They have the
The very same effect on me, as
They did so very long ago.
The last time tht I saw them
And on the very day I took them
And every single day in between
I recoil, sometimes. More often
More disturbingly, I am intrigued
Although I take some comfort that
It takes a truly special one, a particular
Few, to shock or revolt me - as they must
Do to so many others, if I were to show them
Of course, which I must never ever do.
So I remove them from their context
As it allows me to view them in secret
From the memories that surround them
And my own mind as I gaze at that
Digital pain etched forever into memory
And USB sticks, tucked among old papers
To be hidden away there and only taken out
When the house is empty, except for me.
In a way I know what they're of, before
I even see them, before they can load
I know... I remember you see, I remember
Taking them, I remember making them
I remember gazing at what they depict
Without the verly bright computer screen
In between us. The times when the marks
And healing wounds and scars, they detail
Were fresh and new and still present in my view
That is why I took these photos, despite the risks
Despite the horror and disturbed questions I would Face should anyone ever find them, I took them
Anyway. And now I look at them, time and time
Again. Sometimes too often, sometimes not enough.
I remember what time has taken and washed away
I recall the marks and wounds and scars, long gone.
Despite how they hurt both me and others, despite
The struggles, seemingly never-ending, that came
Hand in hand with their comings and goings
I think of them fondly, now not so much with
Longing, simply as bliss passed over, turned to
Dust at one's feet, Because in all honesty they tell me
- Quite the opposite from what you might think -
How to do it again and again, but also:
The reasons I have to not bleed.
Chapter 80: Lies
Chapter Text
I would say I don't want to lie to you
But I think that would be untrue
Because I know, as it hangs over me
That in the past, that is what I did do
I have, to your face, outright told a lie
Said one thing when the exact opposite
Was the truth. But you, you belived me,
Because I told you I liar I would not be
So I say to you that I don't want to lie
Even though I have said so in the past
Then turned around a minute later
And done just that, betrayingly fast
However the sentiment of my statement
Is in itself, true: I don't want to lie
Especially not to you, but that doesn't
Mean I won't. Because of course, I do
In telling you that I don't want to lie
I did perhaps tell one, as even as I spoke
My words became untrue, a lie because
In speaking I was really saying: I will do
Even to you, I will lie. That is the solemn truth.
It seems, I am sorry - truly. Though that
Cannot change my dreams, that in
Truth and in lies, I mind what you think
So I will forever lie for you to continue
To think higher of me than I am worthy
If I must lie for you to love me
Then lie and lie and lie I will. Sorry -
But that is the truth. I tell you again
I don't want to lie to you, it breaks
Something inside me, that might be
My heart, every time I do. I am so sorry.
But I cannot risk you knowing the truth
I dare not think what it might do to you
What you might think, or feel, or do
So I am very sorry, but today, I will lie to you.
Chapter 81: Long Love Lost Last
Chapter Text
So what if I'm a romantic at heart
So what if all I want is to love and be loved
Nothing will ever come of it. I know that.
Not for my own appearance and self-satisfaction
Not for my own looking beyond a single gender
Its just that: people. Are far more complex than
I could ever have imagined from reading books
And watching soppy movies as my research.
And I cannot hope to catch them with romanticism
Barely grasped with worn and weary fingers.
I could say "It's just not a priority" or perhaps even
"I haven't met the right person just yet." But
Whether I have or whether I haven't, or if I simply
Am not looking yet. There is something I have not Admitted before: Love is what I'm waiting for...
Chapter 82: Rainbow Brightness
Chapter Text
I am a rainbow, to those of you
Who look upon me fondly
With no doubt, its true
But to me, I am who I am
I have only a single
Colour to show
And light up every other
To afraid to glow
I will live my life on this
Shifting sand where so
Many other people are
Afraid to stand
I have no choice in who
I am, only in what I do
I can choose to hide away
My truth or I can show
Them what is real.
There is not light that
I can find, which blazes
Just like me. I am alike
To no one else
There is just one of me
I will stand on my two feet
Among all others here
And proudly shout
Without quivering
Exactly what I feel
Is who I am.
Chapter 83: Mocks Season
Chapter Text
I'm not sure if I can do this
Even though I know it'll be
So much better than last time
I've never had to do this
Like this before, never had to
Stand up without a crutch
And limp forward to the
Starting line and the paper
And pen which so innocently
Wait for me there. Not without
My walking stick to guide my
Unsteady steps. I know I have
Many arms to lean on now
Instead, but somehow its just
Not the same. Do you understand?
If the price for good grades is a relapse
Then it is one I am willing to pay
Yet if the price of not relapsing is
Worse grades, even though a huge
Part of me recoils at the very thought
And suggestion, I know that if pushed
It is a price I will cowardly pay up
Though my heart and my friends
In equal horrified measure, call out
Against the extremist and black-and-
White opinions that I take at this
Season of paper and black lines
It should not be, not with as far
As I have come, a time for red lines
Appearing once more on my skin
That is not what I want but if that
Is the price that must be paid
To achieve my end goals it simply
Has to be this way. I know it's wrong
But it's seems so unbelievably wrong
That it's actually right. That if I cut
Then I will not let you down. That
If I relapse my grades will not frown.
Somehow I know that this cannot be
I cannot trade out months of work
Just for some quick relief, however
Much I long to, or try to convince
Myself I can. No matter my self-
Justification, I know in my heart
Of heart that I can't...
I'm not sure if I can do this
Even though I know it'll be
So much better than last time
Because now I can stand up
Tall on my own two feet
Stand up without a crutch
And limp forward to the
Courageously to begin
Grasp the pen and paper
Which so patiently await me
Without a cruel and unforgiving
Walking stick that would trip me
Even as I stride taller than before
I know I have so many friends here
Many arms to lean on now
Instead, and somehow I know I'll
Make it through. Can you understand?
Chapter 84: Memorials
Chapter Text
1 hour-
It's still fresh, pain sharp and brand new
Wounds still aching, sometimes bleeding too
1 day-
A singular rotation, in that place again
Reminders all around set my screaming for the den
1 month-
The call is getting stronger, the hunger at its height
The fear and apprehension, urges me to flight
1 year-
I ponder what it's like here, so far into the future
Does this turmoil ever end and will I get some closure
Chapter 85: The Stressiest Things!
Summary:
A exam themed parody of My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music - see if you can sing it!!!
Notes:
Please read in fluent sarcasm.
Chapter Text
I hope you won't do as badly as I will
I only did some revision last ni-ght
I have accepted my fate is to die
I wish you luck with the rEst of your life
I hope you're all doing as badly as I am
I really hope I don't run out of i-nk
If I drink all this water then I'll need to pee
Why is that old guy now sta-ring at me
I hope we've all done as bad as each other
It's okay it's not the end of the world
Let's all go cry in a group or alone
Now I am done I just wAnt to go home
When I'm stressed out!
With all the e-xams,
When the pressure's bad,
I simply remember the stre-ssiest things!
And then I don't feeeel,
Soooo glaaaad!
Chapter 86: Younger Fear
Chapter Text
When I was some what younger, I truly had no fear
But now that I am older I hold it all so dear
Living constantly in terror of the tiniest possibility
Paranoid over death and destruction in probability
When I was younger I felt nothing in my life
Now I wish forever to return to a lack of strife
Without all these complications brought so coldly on
By knowledge and experience of such phenomenon
When I was much younger I think I remember joy
Feeling happy and quite unafraid, in the face of ploy
Even once they had betrayed me and it all came crashing down
I picked myself up slowly, up off the dirty ground.
Chapter 87: The Mirrored Wall of Conversation
Chapter Text
I am talking to a brick wall
Or at least I might as well be
It's that or a mirror of the
Time-travelling kind, it's
Reflecting back at me a me
From nearly two years ago now.
I stare intently but all I can
See is the same mistakes I
Made being made all over
Again. I sigh in despair
Feeling trapped in some cruel
Twisted circle, doomed to
Watch and be watched and
The one I watch to watch
Again after me, on another.
Inescapable for neither them
Nor me. I am talking to a brick
Wall, there is just as much
Impact made as if I were to
Hit one - really I should know -
A mirror would shatter at least
And reveal what truly lies
Beneath. But this conversation
Right here and now, I cannot
See how much of what I
Hear in replies is simply me
Hearing myself without my
Own voice speaking. Despite
This I push on and try to make
My point known, I throw
Sponges hoping some of it
Will absorb into the brick
Allowing for ice later on,
So much later on, to crack
It's imposing immovable
Facade and bring it crumbling
Down. In many, many years
To come that I will never see
But still I hurl my soaked-up sponge
In the hope of a future for thee.
Chapter 88: 18
Chapter Text
Midnight
No turning back now
Time carries on
It's slow creeping
Stride
Eating up the days
Weeks and months
Of my life
Of my many years
Of my eighteen
I could not stop it
Even when I wanted to
It will not listen to entreaty
Nor begging of what
I should do
It will not falter
No matter my words
It never pauses
To offer some remorse
Cleansing and refreshing
It washes me clean
After each day
Ready for the new
One to dawn
Bright
Earlier than I really
Ever wake
Early in my twighlight
Eyes blinking
Does my day break
Upon this earth
All those hours ahead
A sunrise on the acropolis
Was two hour ago
Yet only now does
The same sunlight
Reach my window
Into the world
My world that I know
That has existed
For so long now
18 of those years
Long and short
As they have been
How many more
Do I have coming
Though none of us
Know, I can trust now
That the future is
Brighter
Brighter than these 18
Years that have led
Up to it
Because though
Months of labour
Go into the construction
To reap the fruits
Need only take a moment
So take a deep breath
One of those long
Inhalations
That fill your lungs
To bursting
And when you release
It feels like a balloon
Rushing free from
Your fingertips
To fly full throttle
Away - free
Take that deep breath
Of oxygen and so
Many other things
Them open your eyes
That is if you've closed them
And look around at all the
Most beautiful things.
Now can you do one
More thing for me please:
Can you count eighteen???
Chapter 89: Alone
Chapter Text
I've always had you, there beside me
Helping me onward and guiding me
But now somehow I don't, yet what
I have done I do not know nor understand
Have I said something? Done something?
Do you hate me now? Either way, I am
Too terrified of what the answer may be
To actually ask the question do you
Will you tell me it all again and rant
Specifically at my face? Or night you
Repent and withdraw you hurtful words
For the possibility of the latter I do not
Wish to risk the probability of the first
At least that's how I see it, you might
Think differently - most people seem to
But to me I must simply mourn this - you
Because I cannot take you telling me
Straight that it is hate and contempt
You feel even as I hurt and grieve away
The simplest clewrieat option - to some -
Would be to ask for just a little clarification
But I cannot. But I will not. It would
Hurt even more than it does right now
If your reply is the certainty of my doubts
I do not want to risk it - I can't take that chance
Even with you - especially with you, for you
Do you not think I am trying my very best?
A week ago you said you were proud of me
Has that changed so very dramatic in such
Short time that now the exact opposite it true
Without you, no one will feel a similar pride
Over me ever ever again, I swear. My motivation
For your praise, is lost with your utterances
Of disappointment having taken root in
My mind, watered with my self-doubt
And reaching for my failures as if they were
The light to live for. I fail again and again.
Without you. Even if - and it is a big if -
You were to take back your words that
Wound me so, even if you were to go so
Far as to apologise as little as I think that
Might happen, I will never forget this hurt
Your words will just be filed away for a day
When my brain wants to hurt me as much
As it possibly can, then your words - perhaps
Spoken in haste, or stress or frustration - will
Live a new life in my memories of mine strife
You, you mean so much. I thought I'd
Always have you there, fighting in my
Corner until the day I could not stay.
But now, I fear - it is my greatest fear -
That I have let you down. I cannot go
Back to your supporting me I have failed
Too badly for that so now, no matter my
Hurting, no matter an apology if it comes,
I am alone.
Chapter 90: Crashing.
Chapter Text
I'm crashing and I know it.
Breathe deeply
In through the nose
Out though the mouth
The sound of my whistling breaths
Echoes in the darkness here
My hands shake slightly
They feel weak and a little numb
Like they're not all there
A tingling over sensetivity
Kinda like pins and needles
Except - not
I'm crashing
And I'm not sure why
I mean I have my suspicions
But there's nothing confirmed
Not really
I just know I'm spiralling
Out of control
My self and every part of me
Slipping out of my grip
Weakened I lie numbly
I'm crashing
No sleep or only a little
Clutching the few hours I get
Each night like an old teddy bear
A relic from long lost childhood
Floating, not quite there
My mind a swirling mess
Not able to pin down a train of thought
Or even discern one from the rest
I do not sleep
Not enough anyway
Not as much as I have been getting
Some how - I do not know
It had all been going so well
I should have known it wouldn't last
It couldn't last
I crash now
It's all collapsing
I am too
My limbs' tremble
But I can't work out why
'What is the cause?!?'
I want to scream out loud
The numbing of my fingers
Spreads like blood pooling
Over crisp white tiles
And fills my every cell
As the dark does my sight
Sleep elludes me
Flees from me like a scared cat
Like prey in fear of its hunter
Yet I flail and fail to capture it
It runs, I fall to the floor
And do not give a chase
I am crashing
Although I am not sure why
I know this
My own sense of self
My awareness of my mind and body
So superior in cruel ways
To most others'
It allows me this
Double edged sword of knowledge
My hands tingle
As I type and scrawl
My clumsy chattering thoughts
To order, formulate
And march into rows
Their chaos and dim insanity.
I'm crashing
Through layers of barriers
There for my own protection
As well as others
I smash through them
Regardless of their purpose
They fall with me shattered
Just like my grip
On my life
Lifeless hands clutching numbed thoughts
Some part of me still trying
Aching, to catch them before
They slip through
My fingers like
Silk or water or as air
Does my lungs
I'm crashing
Alone
In the dark
Scared
Stressed
Tired
Numb
Falling down, down.
I crash.
And hit the ground.
Hard.
Chapter 91: Shhhhh
Chapter Text
Quiet, quiet down
Please. I cannot
Control myself.
My limbs rebel
Against what
My brain wants
Them to do, now.
Calm down, I
Tell myself -
My self ignores
Me and laughs.
Walks away
Utterly unfazed
Leaving me
Lying, dying
On the ground.
Chapter 92: Assure.
Chapter Text
I have my issues
They will not be my excuse
But may I please
Put forward some
Evidence of my
Search for ease
In communication
With whomever I choose...
I have a 'condition'
A disorder some might say
To me it was just a label
For me to face each day
Now I think that actually
I have 'come to terms'
With its meaning in that
I have no disease nor germs
It has its problems, sure
Although I didn't see
Them at first, amongst
The blackest parts of me
They tell me these things
Spiralled and grew out
Of this faulty wiring in
My head, but I doubt
Because even though now
This seems like a part
Of me, to say it is the
Answer is but the start.
My other issues and pains
Came before, but they say
This was the root of all
So I breathe a quiet 'okay'
In my view, it is simply that
Emotions confound me
Leave me lost and adrift
In the broiling dark sea
They are questions without
Feasible answers, equations
Or formulae or simple sums
That have no solutions
I cannot make sense of them
They confuse me, no end
And their mocking logic
Which all others comprehend
I feel trapped in some maze
Sometimes, it draws me in
Like I am prey and leads me
Into the dark depths within
I cannot always see the path
In front of me but blindly
I tend to stumble onward
To some light shining dimly
I understand that I cannot
Be understood, at least not
By many and even the few
Who try and try: cannot.
That is alright with me
- I swear - I am used to it
All this fades away when
I stow it in my darkest pit
That is what I usually do with
All that fears or troubles me
It may not be practical or good
But I survive, so let me be.
It may be quite a tough tale
To tell, I'll find some way
To ease it - trust me, I
Will manage it: some day...
Chapter 93: Adrift
Chapter Text
i’m drifting like there's no gravity
yet my limbs feel heavier now than ever
the very air on my skin seems thicker
weightier in this moment here
my fingers will not respond
i cannot direct them, they flail
useless, numb and frustrating
on the ends of clunky clumsy
arms that flop, loose and boneless
at my sides. i scream silently
as no air emerges and no air
enters my aching lungs that
struggle and fight each second
to breathe, to continue life.
yet i drift and swim on top
of the ground heavily
in contact yet freely flying
and falling all the same.
my mind disconnected
there must be some loose
wire, some faulty circuit
somewhere in my brain
it stutters and weakly
mimes life within that
hollow skull of mine
my body empty of thought
control surrendered when
maybe it was never owned
sold off and bargained
to avoid the cracking
of all safety or security
within my mind that
shudders and quakes
in the howling winds
swirling tornadoes and
crashing waves that battle
my limbless, mindless echo
of a human being. caught
held hostage, by the
unending stresses of average
life - i cry yet no tears fall
they remain trapped behind
eyelids which cannot open
as much as i cannot lift
a finger or a toe or even
a lung to gulp in that
toxic and thickened air
which flows crushingly
around my inert form
which is unable and incapable
of responding.
i am adrift
Chapter 94: Masquerade
Chapter Text
To me it is as if you are all
Wearing masks, they may be
Paper, card or even porcelain
But they cover your faces
All the same. Words as much
As I know better than most
Can explain and imply and
Describe so so much, I still
Cannot correctly gauge
The face hidden behind
The emotionless masks.
You do not mean to wear
Them in fact you do not
Even know that you do,
But in my eyes I see them
On every face I come across
Each day, they shroud
Emotions from me like
A veil across a bride.
Drowning does not aid
My puzzling, nor do
Tears nor smiles nor
Raised voices. Perhaps
True enough emotion
I can actually pick up
But not as much where
They are directed. Can
You see how I so easily
Misinterpret when
Every guess made in the
Game is made handicapped
That is what I see this as
Now I have thought about
It so much it almost hurts
All I ask is that your masks
Do not become a parade
Of mockery in my face
Keep the masquerade going
These bright colours look
So pretty and cheerful, in
My mind's eye. No plain
Stiff, stern and harsh of white
Just be yourself and it will
Shine through nonetheless.
I still see your faces behind the
Gaiety and laughter. I still
Notice all the truer feelings
Brimming below - I may
Not understand them nor
Quite what to do about them
So that even when I try my
Efforts rarely succeed. Still
Wear your masks, I shall
Not speak against them
For honestly whenever I
Gaze in a mirror I am glad
To see my own steel face
Hovering just above my
Skin - cold and emotionless
Except with me, I think
That is far more like what
It within.
Chapter 95: Solve.
Chapter Text
Divide your problems
Multiply your hope
Subtract your fears
Add some friendship
And the solution is clear.
Chapter 96: Daytime
Chapter Text
How do you approach a day
Which ones upon a time meant
All that is a threat and a warning
Now is reduced to simply a
Sign of the seasons turning
And another year been and gone
A day that once was a sign of
My weakness, my selfishness
And general cowardice
Now it's just a year's signpost
To all that is different and
All that is the same as before
To view such a day as little:
A passing momentary elapse
Of hours until twenty four
Stand behind me, waving
Their goodbyes. Well I say
Have you never wondered?
Have you ever even slightly
Wished for it all to be over
And done. Don't say you
Have if you haven't, be sure
In my gladness if this is
Merely me being insecure
But if you have never felt as
I have, never felt that strong
Urging call to never greet
A new day's dawning again
Then maybe you are not in
A place to understand me
When I say I fear this day
It's not because those feelings
Longer but rather because
Now I have 'put them behind
Me' I find myself at a loss
For what I am supposed to do
To be when this day comes
Around again, like clockwork
I just don't want to flounder
When everyone else since
The beginning of time, knows
Exactly how to be - I'll wager
If I cannot feel as I felt, then
Right now who shall I be
If I cannot be myself (of
The past albeit seem) and
If my current self is a mystery
Then how do I be not a mirror
Myself of the past is long gone
And buried, though fingers
Like new shoots burst forth
On the surface - alive and yet
Full of hope, this is how I see
Myself now as I look to today
This day of memories though
It has never happened before
In history, days repeated cannot
Be - except in novels in which
All rules are suspended - and
I can stand tall today and just be
Just be myself on a day when
Everyone expects something
Different yet still somehow
The same. How can I meet
This contradictory target
With only the presents and
Cake things to have as my
Birthday martyers?
Chapter 97: Prohibition
Chapter Text
Laughter is forbidden
Smiling is a sin
We barely breathe
Hold our lungs still
Silence is key, so
We do not speak
Ignoring every traitorous
Twitch of the lips
In favour of pushing
All feelings down deep
Except perhaps sorrow
That is permitted
Encouraged even begged
The more public the better
Weeping in huddles
Crying in corners
Brought to life by cruel
Social expectations
That demand we show
No matter if we don't
How much a death and
Grief, affects us...
Chapter 98: Juxtapose
Chapter Text
Fire
Burns hot and bright
Raging beneath my skin
Greek fire
Burning everlasting
Forever
Scalding skin
Hot to the touch
Itching and healing
Yet burning bubbling
All the same
Nothing can quench it
It will neverburn itself out
Flames lock my flesh
From within myself
It curls outward from my brain
Licking each limb
With its bright breath
Trapped in its circle
Held tight
Unable to breath
The fire sucking all
Oxygen from my lungs
Relentless
Unrepentant
It burns
I want it to stop
Burning me
Haven't I enough scars already?
Ice
Burns cold and harsh
Seeping into my skin
Melting
Fading in intensity
Warming
As my flesh flares
Icy water drips on me
Cold and clammy
Yet cooling and cleansing
No matter what
It appeases the fire
Coaxing it to die down
It's quiet fingers stroke
From its watery stronghold
Running in rivulets through
My body into my brain
Sighs of icy relief
Emits from me
I am set free in the cold
Gently held
Breath returned
The fire extinguished
My lungs flex in cool joy
Free
Alive
Sane
The ice cools my skin
Setting me free
From the scars of
My memory
Chapter 99: Poetry is just words
Chapter Text
Poetry is just words
That's all it boils down to
Just words, softly spoken
Or screamed in the quiet
Of the darkest of nights
Words - carefully crafted
Yet murmured under the breath
Echoed time and time again
Inside the safety of the mind
Just words, nothing truly
Special in them. English - or not
The only thing those words
Brought together, each a
Part of the puzzle they are
Swept into the greater picture
A masterpiece or simply
A five-minute sketch
Human imagination
It makes homo sapiens
Unique: poetry distinguishes
Us from the everyday
Creatures that roam
This earth, it divides us
From the commonplace
And - though not unimportant -
Not HUMAN.
Because human beings
However cruel or messy
Or disgusting or heartless
We can be sometimes...
Poetry. Our wordless thoughts
Put down on paper or wherever
Whispered, barely breathed
Like a heartbeat in every step
Reaching out from inside our minds
To touch and be touched
Like a precious hug - it goes both ways
And now with hundred I hope
That there's a hundred more ways
To say that poetry does something special
Each and every day.
Chapter 100: Life metaphorical
Chapter Text
Life is like a labyrinth
A labyrinth, not a maze
With obstacles and demons
Hidden all around
Waiting in the darkness
Wanting to be found
Maybe it is more maze-like
With so many different paths
Available for you to take
All going in opposite direction
Leading you to chaos
And confusion and pain
Perhaps, quite simply
It's neither. Life is
Not something to be
Constrained, by metaphors
Or - sorry - similies
And to be told what it can be
That's what it does to you and I
So maybe, it's quite fair
To describe it with an image
One that sums up all it's
Tragedies and mysteries
Or at least attempts to
As you can see...
Chapter 101: Mentally
Chapter Text
My mind is a liar
It constantly betrays me
It seeks to destroy
To hunt down the cracks
And weaknesses in my
Sheilds and walls
To break them down
And leave me trembling
Exposed to whatever
Horrors it can create.
Chapter 102: Grief contains me
Chapter Text
How can you tell that I'm grieving?
I wear no veil nor armband
Of the blackest black to help you
See how my circumstances define me.
I am mourning. What a statement
But in my head it does not
Wholly describe this feeling inside
In the days of old, in the times
Long ago (of course, in the
Uppermost classes, for sure)
Full weighty mourning
Meant a change in clothing
And eating and sleeping
Where you went who you saw
All dictated by the death
Of someone else. But the
Rules were so very strict.
Nowadays it is not the same
To show pain and hurting
To 'let it affect you' is
Somehow shameful - a sin
Quietness is respectful and so
Is permitted and occasional
Restrained tears are just about
Allowed - sometimes.
Of course, it depends on the
Person, on those involved
Emotional messes can be
Excused their excessivity
But those who have shown
They are not weak in that way
Cannot show weakness even
In the face of grief and loss.
Staring all that down, you must
Beat it into submission
Supress it, push it down deep
Inside. Unable to let it out
To let it escape and cause
Havoc in society, like
Some wild animal on
A rampage at the zoo
Not a few silent tears
Tracing their way
Down weary motionless cheeks.
Chapter 103: She walks away
Chapter Text
She walks away
Head high
Well, maybe not
High exactly
But not bowed
She does not
Seem weighed
Down nor
Gloomy
You would
Never guess
Who she has
Only recently
Lost. Her
Love, her life
Yet still she walks
Away. Goes home
To an empty house
Without a word
To say. Just a hug
Goodbye.
Never do her
Eyes look up from
The pavement in
Front of her feet
Her shoulders hunch
But still her feet
Move quick and neat
Making her way
Homeward
And away
From all the glances
And stares and
Whispers, whether
She cries and laments
Or sits still and silent
In her chair
She is judged for
Coming just as
She is judged
For leaving too.
It's a messed up
World that makes
Her draw away to
Stop herself from
Being pushed
She is a social
Outcast, a reject,
Ostracised for fear's
Sake, in case her
Unobvious grief
Overwhelms her
And she makes a scene
For fear of being
Caught up in that
Mourning process
For fear of hurting
Her, further that
Is, and of her hurting
You. She is alone
Now, grieving -
Though it doesn't
Always look like it
Because why would it
She's human too
And she's doing
Exactly what all
Humans do
The only thing
Really that we can
Ever do in the face
Of all she's 'been
Through'. She hides
Away the part that hurts
And puts on a mask
Of being okay.
Regardless of what's
Inside, because that's
What's safe. To pretend
Is safer than to express.
Chapter 104: ...
Chapter Text
Yesterday is the day before
My unhelpful brain reminds me
Uncaring that I knew before
It even spoke into the silence.
Chapter 105: Heat: the quality of being hot
Chapter Text
Heat warps
Did you know that?
Heat warps things
Why, I could not tell you
But still you do know what I mean.
When it's one of those scorching days
And you stare glazed-eyed out across
Some sun-warmed patch of tarmac
And you notice the air above it
Shimmer with unknown power
Or when it's a frosty blustery day
And you're huddled up inside
And happen to glance at a radiator
And see how the air shimmers
There too, quite intangibly
Just above where the eye can see
Metal warps in heat too
Though why I do not know
Sure, I get all the physics
About particles and energy and so
But that really does not tell me
Nor quenches my curiosity
As to why when things get warmed
They faint and flail and fade
Enzymes too, inside your body
Give in when things get too hot
If you're heating up and all those
Sweat glands are working overdrive
To no avail, then they warp
Or should I say: denature
See I know my science that's true
But still I cannot comprehend
Why things warp in sun or fiery blue
There are many metaphors you could
Pull from it, I'm sure
About the similies it makes of
Love. Warmth comes with light
- they come hand in hand -
And the implications of that are enormous
But only if you care, and I suppose
You may not. That truth or that
Hope can break any fears or evils
That light and warmth can overcome
Any wrongs, that love can destroy
As much as it creates, that peace only
Comes with necessary destruction
Isn't that what nature tells us every day?
Or perhaps more simply could it be,
That life - just as with a beam of light
Passing through water, or the ore that
Under careful work becomes a precious
Work of art - does not always go
The way we plan.
Chapter 106: I hate my brain
Chapter Text
I hate my brain
No really, I really
Hate my brain
My brain is like
One of those
Stupid cheating
Boyfriends/girlfriends
From every romantic
Movie ever that takes
Two months minimum
And several dozen tubs
Of ice cream to get
Over, forget and leave
Behind; except of course
My brain is a part of me
And one I can't exactly
Do without. So until
The day comes when
Science can rip out
All the parts that make
Me hurt, and hurt myself
I guess I'm just stuck
With hatred. (With an
Unhealthy dash of fear)
Because if I know anything
In this world and in
This life, it is this:
I really hate my brain.
Chapter 107: Ghosts
Chapter Text
I see ghosts, you know
Not your typical kind
But my own ones
And I mean that literally
My ghosts. My past echoes
Around me constantly
Wherever I go, they go too
Moments in my own
Personal history shimmer
Like spirits in the empty
Air around me. I walk
I stand, I sit and sleep.
Still they follow me
Still they haunt me
I cannot forget.
I'm no schizophrenic
Just a girl with a really
Good memory and an
Overactive imagination
But I do see them. They
Are dead to me though
So they are ghosts.
My ghosts. My own
Personal haunting.
Done by myself to myself
From the past into every
Second of the present.
I see ghosts.
Chapter 108: Dreams
Chapter Text
I dreamed of you
Sometimes I think I dreamed you up
Imagines you out of some sad
Lonely desperate longing corner
Of my heart
Is that where you were born?
I run to you and kiss you
Uncaring of who might see
You smile and rest a hand on my cheek
And tell me to beware
They watch, surprised more than anything
Of me and my affection so displayed
Yet still I turn away from their gaze
And take your hand in mine
I tell you this story, that I dreamt of you
As I slept and as I woke you turned to
Ashes in the air that was not there
Quite yet, I hope, I fear however
That it was all a dream
And now as I greet the dawn with silent
Lonely grieving desperate longing tears
I sigh and decide, it is time to wake up.
Chapter 109: Little girls and little boys
Summary:
Go and have a browse of the internet and see the different perceptions of boys with autism and girls...
Chapter Text
Every autistic little boy
Needs something he can play with
Something to collect en mass
To organise and rank
By colour, size or general sass
And march on out
In ruler-straight rows
Around his ordered bedroom they go.
Once I was a little girl
Though 'grown up' I may be
And as autistic, I have something
That I collect, contrive and keep
In colour order, like the rainbow
In arcs I place them neatly
Because that which I sort and save
Are empty sharpeners from my grave.
Chapter 110: Telepathy Discarded
Chapter Text
Sometimes my dearest wish
Is to see inside people's heads
To look into their minds
And somehow understand
But then of course I wonder
How I should feel indeed
If some stranger were to see
My thoughts and memories
Just what they might think of me
For my sanity is not sound
And so what right may I have
To do it the other way around
Besides then where would the puzzle be
In life - for me - there is one great mystery
And that is human beings, truly
They make no sense, to you or me
But still my life would be easier, easier
But more boring, should this skill
I manage to acquire somehow -
The logistics, I admit, are challenging
I mean how would it even work
And what would the rules be
Could I close off my mind yet
Still see those around me clearly
Clearer than I see them now
That is in truth the goal
My vision is quite hazy currently
Perhaps glasses that problem could solve.
Chapter 111: Nothing.
Chapter Text
I am like a well
Slowly filling up
From the inside
Out it spills
A whole lot of
Nothing.
Nothingness
Overwhelms me.
I curl onto my side
One leg tucked in
Right to my chest
Knee resting near
My chin
I can feel my rapid
Breath across the
Bare skin of the
Kneecap
I ache
To not be alone
My arms encircle me
Protecting, guarding
From who knows what
Because the problems
Are not out there
They're in here, in my head
Sharing the air I breathe
Whispering in my ear
With shaking fingers I
Hit play and dive
Headfirst and heedless
Into the music as it
Blasts on my command
Drowning out those
Taunts and murmurs
That are hardly even there
I run my fingers through
My hair and tangle in its ends
Dragging my palms down
Over my flushed face
Reminding myself that
They are there
That I am here
In body that is the most
I can hope for it seems
A stray strand curls itself
Around my cheek and
Dangles like those
Fuzzy cubes on driver's
Mirrors distracting and surreal
I gaze at it in the half light
It's translucent cylinders
Out of focus in front
Of my tired blinking eyes
I tuck it back behind my ear
Out of sight and out of my mind
That is what I am though
Fucking out of my mind
With nothingness
The slightest noise distracts me
The music is paused
With a twitch of my thumb
I stre unseeing into
Darkness and face it down
Without fear yet
Utterly uncomprehending
That just about sums me up
That and nothing
Not something
Just nothing
Is that what I am?
At which point does the
Thing that owns you
That controls you
As a master does a slave
Or a puppeteer the puppet
I am a puppet to this great
Vast nothingness inside of me
I cannot see into it
I cannot find a way out of it
It is just there
Like an uncrossable ocean
Or an unclimbable mountain
Impassable and implacable
Relentless under my scrutiny
And all my raging and weeping
It just swallows it all up
Like a black hole
Or a very very very hungry
Caterpillar munching away
At everything I am
Everything that makes me
Human
And alive
The night closes in
Midnight long past and the
Morning beckons
I follow it's call
How can I not?
I am nothing
Not one part of me
In this moment right now
Actually exists
Not that hair that tries to escape
Not the knee that digs into my chin
Not the breath that dances
Chilling the backs of shaking hands
That also do not exist
I draw in a deep breath and realise
If I am not here
If this nothingness is all there is
If this second right here
Right now is all I am
Is all I could ever be
Then what tiny
Infinitesimal part of me
Is hoping in some deep
Dark quiet corner of this void
Longing desperately silently
To be free.
Chapter 112: Tears splattered on a mirrored surface
Chapter Text
The tears are brimming
I cannot hold them back
I stumble away from all
The people that surround
Me, away from the crowds
Hidden, seperate and safe
I bow my head, unless you
Came close - which no one
Ever would - you might
Think I were praying
And in some ways that's true
Although to be more specific
I am begging. God, the universe
Anyone or anything out there
That could make a difference
To this, to me, to my life
A single tear escapes and tracks
It's way down my cheek
The others fight to be free
But I keep them at bay
My eyes burn from the strain
I lift my tired head from where
It rested on my knees
And stares blankly into space
Until I realise someone is
Staring back at me - my prayers
Have been answered! Here they
Are, a friend, salvation and hope
The only one who could make
A difference, of this I am certain
My hope is fragile but stubborn
I gaze through the years that stream
Ignoring the trickle of sorrow's
Water down my face and into
The soft fabric of my leggings
I do not say a word: why
Would I, what would I say
To my reflection in the mirror
Crying and nodding determined
Back at me. The distorted image
My tears have created. My eyes
Locked to mine in silence.
Until the shared head filled with
Fears and hope in a perilous dance
Of equal balence drops exhausted
Back onto the quivering limb
That props it up until it too
Falls limply to the cold concrete floor
Dead as the brain and heart that control it.
Chapter 113: My Love
Chapter Text
Don't mistake my love for roses
Left - wrapped up prettily in a bow -
Lonely on your doorstep with a note
Scrawled on paper white as snow
Don't mistake my love for texts
Sent in the silence of the night
Filled with importune propositions
To make you happy via Skype
Don't mistake my love for dates
Romantic dinner in candle light
Or watching soppy movies
In adjacent seats, arms intertwined
Don't lock up my love for you
Don't put it in a box to stuff under
Your bed and pretend does not exist
Like something you should fear
I don't want to do anything to hurt you
I won't push you or hit you or yell
If harsh words do come between us
I promise I will love you in hell.
Chapter 114: Not you, me.
Chapter Text
I tell you that it's not you, its me
And you don't believe it
I show you my scars as evidence for my pain
And you go from scared to sweet in seconds
I say that I've got my own demons to face
And you tell me that there's not a moment to waste
Chapter 115: Torn Asunder
Chapter Text
I take your hand
And we wander down
The midnight streets
A different world
Filled with secrets
We must keep
Here and only here
Can we be ourselves
Wrapped up in each other
In twighlight we dwell
At peace after some movie
And a shared portion
Of salty chips
Wiping off our fingers
Then clasping them
Together
We stalk through
The shadows fully aware
That someone's there
Waiting to attack
Turn our gentle quiet
Into tears and bruises fair
They pounce in a moment
When for a brief time
Our lips meet
Arms encircled sweetly
In a parody of a romantic scene
The violence rips the silence
And the attack renders
Our love hollow
As no matter our discomfort
It's clear there is no place
We can go
To be free in this society
Of darkness, gloom and despair
We cry, seperately
For together we must not be
Because then they will trap
Us in the night-time
We once called friend.
Chapter 116: I have hope.
Chapter Text
I have hope
That today
Will not be the same as yesterday
And that tomorrow
Will be better
Overall
Than today.
I have hope
Locked away in
Pandora's jar
Safe until
I chose to give it
Up.
I have hope
Because I trust
In those who tell me they
Love me
That they will carry me
Our of this dark
And into my
Light.
I have hope
That I am not alone
That I do not have to
Do this alone
But also that I can
I can do this.
I have hope
In myself
That I am hoping.
I trust in my hope
Because it is mine
And mine alone.
In the darkness of midnight
Or 2am
I have hope
And I pray
That it is enough.
Chapter 117: Killer Killed
Chapter Text
You know
I still have nightmares
Still
After all this time
I say that like six months
Is forever
But still
The nightmares
If you could see them
You wouldn't
But if you were
To take a peak
And somehow did not
Look away in
Revulsion
As quickly as the wind
Changes direction
In a split second
That is
You might ask me
Who is it that you've killed
As you are the blood
Covering my hands
Bloodstained forever
In my dreams
And memories
Always tainted
Until the end of days
Until the end of my days
Blood dripping
Off my outstretched
Fingertips
Dribbling sluggishly
Down the length of my arm
Leaking sideways
Across my wrist
To drip down
Down onto the floor
Way way below
Bloody hands
New meaning to the phrase
Red-handed
Red
Red fills my brain
My waking
And my dreams
Are full of it
The red
Seeping into every corner
My hands are covered
They will never be clean
Neither will my clothes
I must scrub them
Soak them in cold water
That is how you remove the
Blood stains
Right?
So how do you remove the
Blood stains
On a soul
Is there some remedy
Some home-cooked
Potion to alleviate
The poisoning
Of my mind
At the hands of my body
Red
Red
Red
I have killed
And I am dead.
Chapter 118: Empty Praises
Chapter Text
You say those words
Like the ones you
Just said to me
And they both make
And break my day
If that makes sense?
You say you are proud
Or pleased or even
Plain unconcerned
And it means so much
To me, so very much
To hear it coming from you
Yet in my heart I don't
Believe it. I'm not sure
Why I don't but I don't.
In my head, they are lies
You are lying to me
It is the only truth I can see
It's happened before:
What exactly is so
Different now? Before
They hid the truth from
Me like I was a child or
Like I was stupid or something
As if I would not notice
When the lies came
Pouring out - right to my face.
I suppose they thought it
Best. They thought I was in
Too fragile a mental state
To face the truth (and also
I bet they reckoned, to never
Realise) all to willing already
To see the worst in myself
And in my work to be able
To comfortably and safely
Manage criticism or fault
That I was already perfectly
Adept at creating in my
Imagination which still
Flourishes now. They
Presumed and didn't ask
Now you and your more
Kindly meant words
Are here to pay the price
Of disloyalty and betrayal
Be dishonest with me
And I will not forget
I'm sorry, I do not mean
To offend you, honest.
I just need to say these
Words at some point
Somewhere. And I'd rather
Talk to you than them.
Can't you see? When you
Utter those empty words
Of praise and various
Assorted adjectives of
Delight and wonder and
Joy: they mean nothing to me
I can't get anything from
That, from those words
Of emotional emotionless
Expression. They are vacuums
Void and hollow. I don't
Mean to sound rude, believe me.
Because I can never
Believe you.
I can never believe
In what you say to me.
What you said to me
Can only be a lie.
In my head, they are
All lies - any compliments
Which you know
I cannot listen to
Yet you heap up on
My plate regardless
Because you think it
Is right not a mistake
And you are sweet
I think to myself
Guitly already for
Silent words in my head
Sweet, nice and naive
What a wonderful package
See how do you feel
When such language
Is given from the
Other side of the table
Give me criticism
Give me a list of
Where I've gone wrong
Please do not doubt
That in my head
That's all I hear
Fault after fault
Isn't it better they
Be true not imagined
And I'd rather they be
Coming from you
They my own worst enemy
The raging sarcastic voice
In my head, that keeps
Dragging me down
No matter what I do
Next, no matter what
It is you actually said
Give me something I
Can work with
Give me things to
Improve, I mean sure
I'll still hate it and
Myself all the same
But at least that way
There is hope
An effing light at
The end of this long
Dark tunnel I find
Myself stuck in
Either way I'm hated
By myself, that is
I hope I've not upset
You with this truthful
And brutal note
But when it comes
To compliments
I find that honesty
Is always in doubt.
Chapter 119: Sunshine
Chapter Text
They say the sun will rise no matter what
And as I gaze put of this window here
Out into space and sky and clear shining
Light of our resident stat, I wonder
What you are? A ball of gases that's true
But the world revolves around that too
We spin and whirl our lives away in
One more lap - is this a race? Who is
The winner, the one who survives
Or the one who thrives. That old
Metaphor for philosophical thought
Live or die, but enjoy your time.
Chapter 120: Night Thoughts
Chapter Text
I don't want to be alone any more.
Yet still my brain rattles around
In my head and the shadows all
Seem so much bigger than they are.
The night will drag on forever now.
I am trapped in a circle, a loop, but
I cannot tell where it ends or where
It begins, should I say. A snake
Devouring its own tail - that is my
Brain and I (or is it my brain and me)
We are a constant battle, a war is being
Fought within the confines of my skull.
I rage against the violence that haunts
My every thought and as a consequence
My every move and breath is echoed
By the conflict occurring in my head.
And all I want to do it cry: frustration
Is a cruel slave driver and my tears
Refuse to flow and set me free. So
I weep tearless to pass the night's hours.
I just don't want to be alone any more.
Chapter 121: Do I? Don't I?
Chapter Text
Don't want to move
So don't.
Don't want to eat
So don't.
Don't want to move
To get up to eat
So do I?
No, I don't.
Don't want to sleep
Because the night is weak
I am wide awake
And it's 3am.
Don't want to sleep
So do I?
No, I don't.
Don't want to sleep
Yet still get tired.
Don't want to move
So I don't eat.
No sleep. No eat.
Don't ever move.
Don't even blink.
It's dark outside
And inside too.
The night is young
Yet I feel blue
And grey and numb
And empty...
There's nothing
There, deep
Down inside of me.
Don't want to move
Don't really want to
Even breathe
Cruel instinct
Of survival
Keeps on beating me.
No breathing and
Then no eating becomes
Redundant
And I will not move
Nor have to worry
About it
Any more.
So do I move?
No, I don't.
Chapter 122: I can't take this for much longer!
Chapter Text
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
cccccccccccccccccccccccccc
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
oooooooooooooooooooo
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
mmmmmmmmmmmmm
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
cccccccccccccccccccccccccc
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
oooooooooooooooooooo
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
ggggggggggggggggggggggg
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 123: 73 days
Chapter Text
73 days and it'll be a year
8 more days and it'll be 300
Then it'll just be 65 to go
And 65 days is easy.
Its just over two months
It'll be fine - easy peasy.
Nothing like the last 292.
I hope...
8 days. 8 more days until
Another major milestone.
(Not that I'm very good at miles
I'm a kilometers & metric kinda girl)
The last one was 200
- 92 days ago, near 3 months ago -
And in 8 days. 8 more days:
Almost a week, just a day over.
Then it'll be 300 days
Since... Since...
300 days: three hundred days.
That's 7,200 hours, you know.
432,000 minutes!
25,920,000 seconds...
Can you believe it?
All that time, so so long:
Since...
Recovery is rough, just
The other day I almost slipped
When I'm this close
I mean, really!
I am ridiculous.
So nearly at my goal,
And still so ready to give up
So ready to give in.
Pathetic. Understandable?
Recovery is a journey.
These phrases I know well.
Though not from people
Keep on telling me -
It's my view they'd rather
Forget as well - but from
My own internet trawling
On dark and desperate nights
Searching for an anchor that
Can save me or at best a pill
To knock me out like a light.
300 days. It is so close
I can almost taste it.
Taste a number - interesting.
Taste a day, I wonder how?
I've never reached this
Particular point before.
These markers are not
Like birthdays where you
Only celebrate each one
Once, I have got to 200
Before; though a long
Long time ago now
Well over 200 now
Even 300 (or 365) in fact
Though they say you
Have to fall to get back up
Have to be hurt in order
To heal.
Well my healings taken
Its sweet time, that's true.
But 300 days is almost here.
Passively I try to sit back
And wait, calmly observe
The slow dragging of time
Until that day, of celebration
Rejoicing and glee
(All silent and contained
In case I upset anybody
With memories though
A parody of hell for me
Are surely worse - how,
Who knows? - for those
Who try to care for me).
300 days, I can do it.
Just 8 more now -
There's nothing to it.
192 hours, that's with
At least 64 spent asleep
- At best, or worse: depends
How you look at it -
And though 11,520 seconds
Might sound like a LOT
Remember each one will
Only last a second, in
Case you forgot!
Seconds or moments -
Whatever - are fleeting
But truly I feel like
They add up in meaning.
After all its all transitory
Nothing ever lasts
Not even our memory
So, with time, all pain shall pass.
Chapter 124: Lean on.
Chapter Text
I look to you
You're always there
Holding my hand
And stroking my hair
I raise my chin
Lift my head high
Meet your gaze
Even as I start to cry
I think I'm alone
Figure nobody sees
The hurt and the pain
Not to mention the hatred
I keep locked away
As deep down inside me
As I dare to dive
In my waking time
I smile to the wind
With its cold arms around me
I feel your embrace
Within its echoes
The gale whips my hair
Back from my cheek
Tenderly brushing
The stray tears away
I flee far from home
From where I feel safe
And now I'm alone
Lost and weary and cold
I was mistaken before
Didn't know what I had
Still you tell me to breathe
And have peace that you'll find me
Wherever I go, you'll
Be there beside me
To hold tight to my hand
As it gapes in empty air
Because I know you're there
I smile sadly to the breeze
Feeling your presence
Though I see, that I'm all alone
Got no one left to hold
Or lean on.
Chapter 125: Different Now
Notes:
This poem was inspired (more than inspired, driven into existence) by Marvel's Agents of Shield TV series, specifically one scene from Seaon 2 Episode 11: Fitz & Skye (You're different now). You can find it on YouTube, if you're curious - it's emotive for me...
Chapter Text
When I look back on my life
Someday, far from now
Maybe I will view this time
These past few days and months
And years of my life, differently.
Before them I was different
Not necessarily better as I keep
Trying to tell myself, not worse
Certainly not worse, but not better either.
I am changed, forever. My life's
Course altered: permanently...
Things will never be, can never be
The same. So why do I weep?
Why do I cry alone at just past midnight?
Why do I gaze with eyes of regret
And a heart filled with grief
At old photos that are really not
That old because they are me.
Me from before, from before
Things were different, before
I changed, before things changed
Forever. A big word: forever.
But so terrifyingly true, for me
In this moment, as I weep for
The person I once could have been
A teacher, a learner, a healer, a keeper
A speaker, a listener, a helper, a person
I can never be now, never ever be
Because I'm different now - but that's okay.
But that's okay? Why? I don't know.
I don't have the answers. Is that okay?
Should that, could that, ever be okay?
I know, one day, when I look back
On my life. On this time, perhaps
Even on this moment, I will think
Of all that came of it. All the more
That could have come from it.
All our lives are spent in cataclysmic
Indecision over the littlest moments.
Will I be okay? One day, far from now?
Close to now? Some day? Will this end?
Will my pain cease? Will I have peace?
I don't know - no of us do. I find no
Comfort in that knowledge which is
Strange, because usually I find comfort
In all knowledge, no matter the consequences.
Because of knowledge, I am different now.
And that's okay? Because the knowledge
That I am different means I can accept it.
Come to terms - isn't that what they say?
I am not grieving another, but still I grieve
For a life, for the loss of that life, for a person
The person, I will never get to be. My pain is valid.
That is not what I seek. It's the lack of
Knowledge, that should ground me but
Instead leaves me floating, weightless and
Gone. I don't know what I could have been.
What I would have been, if I hadn't done
What I've done. Been who I've been.
Been someone else - well then it wouldn't be me.
Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.
That means that everything in you and me
Was once in the tiniest petal of the tiniest
Flower that blooms in the rarest of places.
But all that makes us up, all that we contain,
Was also in a star, so very far away, and yet
Somehow made it here, to this moment
In this way, to make you, and to make me.
So much in creation and destruction
Against astronomical odds of success...
To create this failure at being a person,
This failure at being human, being real.
Because I'm different now, something went wrong.
Right now I'm not exactly sure why
Or where, or when. I do have a few
Candidate moments in mind - but I
Don't know. I will never know. So
Even though the very thought of that
Drives me insane - drives me to cry all
Alone at nearly quarter past twelve am -
I give up the knowledge, I repent my
Search, my quest, to know. To understand.
And for what it's worth: I'm sorry.
I'm changed, there's no going back.
Nostalgia is great and all, but no one
Can turn back time. We all have regrets.
We all have pain and loss. I will never
Understand that. That in all of creation
There had to be hurt, there had to be
Loss, and guilt, and sadness, and desperation
And anything bad at all! Sometimes
I just want it to all go away.
I want it to just STOP. To end - forever.
I want to forget, if I can't go back
And change it, change me, then please
Why can't I make myself forget?
There's nothing wrong with that.
Is there? There's nothing wrong with
Me, now. As I am in this moment
I will - I must - look back on. I am.
That is enough, surely? I exist.
Those stars and alien flowers explode
And destroy and somehow combine
And live again, in me. What right have
I to destroy them all over again - prematurely...
What rights have I over my own life?
Which is not my own, but yours?
I surrender to the universe, to creation
Good and bad, beautiful and damaged.
I cannot go back, however much I
May wish it. No one can change the past
Because they do not want to change
Their past, they want to change their
Present. It is my present, the wrong present.
The present I should never have lived
To see, if it weren't for all those stars
And damaged petals; surviving, and I hope
Thriving, inside of me. I am different now.
And that's okay to be. Forever is such a
Long time anyway, try not to spend
It over 'what-should-have-been's. And
'What-will-not's. Different does not
Have to be bad, although I am yet
To understand how it could be good.
But right now, this moment at almost
Half midnight, change being not terrible...
Has got to be enough for me.
I am different now, and it's okay.
There is nothing wrong with that.
Chapter 126: Equivalent to Toilet Paper
Chapter Text
It's strange
How something previously
Seen as mostly without worth
To a large proportion of humanity
Can suddenly, humorously, ridiculously
Become a precious commodity
A torn crumpled piece of paper
Softer than that which we
Write on somehow for some reason
Gaining more headlines
And prestige than any global warming
Debate or political crisis.
Something which sole purpose
Is to be used once
- in a fairly disgusting way -
Then discarded. Immediately.
How can something so single-use
So worthless, temporary and empty
Of real value or even second thought
Become a thing to be valued
Treasured. Fought over. Defended.
Humanity is insane.
And this world has devolved into chaos,
If a tiny piece of toilet paper
Becomes the focus of the media churl.
Chapter 127: Autistic but the World's in Lockdown.
Chapter Text
It’s funny how the human race
Is so adaptable to change
Frozen planet turns to tropical desert?
That’s fine we’ll swim and frolic
Yet sometimes something very rarely
Is able to through us all for a loop
And when it does, I feel like
Jumping for joy as people look round and say:
Is this what its normally like for you?
All the uncertainty piling around you.
Every possible outcome in its terrible
- Only ever terrible - entirety played out
Within your mind, sometimes even spilling
Into your waking chatter and cries.
Why, yes. As a matter of fact, you could say it is.
Well, of course once you all settle down,
Things will go back to the way they were before
Not exactly the same – because frankly
That’s impossible – but close enough that
Most of you forget, that brief insight into
What we live with. Give it a name, call it what you like
Box it up and shove it someplace – but
Just for now, just for back then, just for
Maybe, every day in between; you understood.
So I ask you, please…
When the world starts turning once again
And there’s a whole new different to adapt
To all over again, stop and give a thought perhaps
To those for some reason missing, that crucial
Gene or brain connection to allow that ease
For changing. Alteration to the planet are not
Always so easy to see, so when this all ends
Who will remember how we were one people?
One terrified herd, one race, just human
with everything that means, utterly human.
Like me, and you and everyone we love.
Human till this hard time ends…
Chapter 128: In the months after Lockdown...
Chapter Text
I didn’t know I’d miss that shared community lifestyle,
I didn’t know how precious that sense of togetherness could be.
I didn’t realise how much I’d miss working with one another,
In tandem, in a team, trying to reach the same goal – as one,
Aiming higher than ever before, because together we could succeed.
I didn’t know I’d miss the walks, in the half-dark of the spring evening.
I didn’t know to value that time, spent with family while stars were twinkling.
I didn’t know to so desperately love the chorus of the birdsong, echoing as it did without traffic or conversation to conceal it.
I didn’t think that living constantly in the same space, with only each other,
Would be something I would cherish and grieve for once it’s over.
I didn’t know that I’d miss the helpfulness, the feeling of being involved,
Included, necessary or wanted, my skills and knowledge valuable somehow.
I didn’t know how useful I could be, when I tried – I mean, really tried – to be.
I didn’t realise how much more I have to offer; now I hope I won’t forget it again…
I didn’t realise I would miss it all so much, so it never occurred to me to treasure it.
It seemed at first like a strange vacation, weirdly endless, but temptingly fun…
The weather was glorious (almost always, as I recall) and every community strengthened as they got to work.
I did the usual things, binge-watching this and that, trying to keep busy and distracted; until I stopped for a minute and relaxed.
It was then I realised something special was happening, and perhaps not just to me; that the world was maybe, just maybe, shifting fundamentally.
And it was then, way back then, that I knew what I know now to be true: that nothing will ever be the same again
Chapter 129: Feelings: I have that
Chapter Text
I feel so bad
I feel so guilty
Wanting for something that I cannot have
My dad always says
Don't dwell over what is out of reach
Relish in what you already have
Don't be greedy, I tell myself often
Don't make one wish too many
And rock the boat and tip the scales
Part of me is curious, mostly it's that
I want - I wish - to experience
What everyone else seems to have
To love and be loved, maybe get my heart broken
Though I'm not looking forward to that
But my brain makes it just 'not possible'
Maybe I'm just scared
Not just of getting hurt but of hurting someone else
Maybe that's enough to make me stay alone
I wouldn't need a friend, a lover, a partner...
I'd need a carer - that's what people say
And to ask that: I don't think I can
I'm ashamed but it's also something I can't help
And if someone wanted me to be different
Then clearly they don't love me, for me...
Listen to me talking as if I know what I'm saying
I've never been in a relationship, never had a girlfriend or boyfriend
My sexuality: though I know it, has no basis
An unproven hypothesis. Never to be shown to be true.
Like the fact that I have feelings, like how I don't want to be alone
A hypothesis that could easily be false.
When I was younger people around me said that I must be asexual
Now my explanation is that I just didn't understand attraction
And now? I guess I still don't...
But then I haven't gone looking - I doubt I ever will
An autistic queer: yeah, who'd sign up for that
Who'd swipe (whichever way means no rejection) for me
I'm not good with social, it's not exactly my specialty
But some part of me, just wants to be - not normal exactly
Just in a relationship, to use this love I seem to hold for a purpose
Don't expect me to be normal - whatever that construct means to you
Don't expect touch too soon or dates to be acceptable
But don't think that I can't love you, can't show I care at all like that.
I am me. I will not ever be anything but that.
I am not easy to 'deal with', I don't even know what I want
I just don't want to be alone for the rest of my life
Because people write me off as cold, unemotive and distant,
Difficult, not worth the hassle, unloving or unlovable.
I am a human being, and I will wait (patiently) for someone to realise
My life perhaps, whatever - wherever that life leads me to
I am only starting out, it's all before me they say
But love? Meaningful relationships? As an autistic girl and a queer to boot?
I don't know. I can only hope - and rock that boat.
Chapter 130: Waves Of My Turbulent Soul
Summary:
Kinda metaphorical.
Short.
Chapter Text
And just like that it hits me
Like a wave knocking me off my feet
You would think there'd be more warning
Than the milliseconds that I get
It's like a swift punch to the chest
Smacking the wind out of my lungs
Leaving my breathless and dizzy
Gasping at the air like a fish out of oxygen
Doesn't sound the most enjoyable, right?
An absolute party as far as my opinion goes
But then such a social engagement
Is considered as torturous as hell, myself.
Chapter 131: Let me be me.
Summary:
Autism and Me.
Chapter Text
I am not something to be cured
To be fixed or made better or whole
I should not need to be like the norm
Act like what this expected to not seem
Diseased or ill. Normal is a concept that
I do not believe is true. Everyone is different
Though perhaps more me than you.
I am autistic - that doesn't make me broken
Or need fixing or curing or saving.
I am a person, just like you and the next person too
This doesn't mean I understand any other
Autistic individual's experiences
Their lives and brains don't magically
Make sense because we share diagnoses
We are all unique and I'm not just talking about
The autism community, I mean humanity
How does love and loss and friendship and grief
Exist if we are all so very different for each other
I have friends that I love who I grieve over when I lose
I am human, and therefore valid in who I am
What makes you think I need mending?
What makes you think the way I am is anything
Other than what I am meant to be?
And yes it is hell at times. Sometimes maybe -
I wish I was more normal, perhaps...
But if ever I had the option, offered to me
I would not take it, I would not be anyone but me
I am who I am. And I am autistic. That's me.
That's not all of me - I am not two dimensional
Are you? Is anyone? Is it ever just that simple?
I ask you to be free. Step out, speak out.
Be you whoever that may be. And I hope,
I wish every single day, that soon
In the future, the very near future,
Humanity will accept me for me and you for you
And everyone can just be, whoever they are...
Without judgement or condemnation
Without condescending tones or patronising glances
Without bullies or abuse, without isolation and categorisation
Without the search for a cure, or to immediately
Reach for a weapon whenever we are faced
With something new. Or different. Even though
Every one of us is different. Unique and special.
We are all together yet so utterly divided.
I am autistic. That will never change.
But I can stop hiding, from myself and those around me
I can drop the mask and live my life
The way I need to, the way I am.
Just being me. Autistic me.
Regardless of how you label me.
No patches required - I am not broken
Or in need of fixing
I don't need a cure - no thank you.
I am me. So let me be?
Notes:
Please.
Chapter 132: Sisters
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think I know my sister as well as I know my own breath
Yet she lives and breathes herself apart from me nevertheless
At our core our relationship is nothing less than complex
We both (I'd wager) love and hate each other with our every step
The truth is that I think that I know best
Two years older - two inches shorter despite -
(Memory filled with unspoken torment
That I dearly wish she will never know the like)
And I think that I know better - not just for me, but for her
Which in all honesty and fairness, I have not the right
I believe that it is she, most of all, out of anyone, who knows me best
Though even that title she might claim, still misunderstanding is quite rife
I think her often selfish ignorant and piggish to be fair
But many times I have heard such words about myself she's said float about the air
We each are certain of superiority over the other’s faults and flaws
Generally blind to what we perceive of others festering in ourselves
Yet here's where I presume my achievements over hers
I see faults within myself where I know she seems unable to herself
Her ignorance that I witness is something I cannot abide
The Ravenclaw in me screams my self-knowledge ranks me higher
Than she who does not see the bad parts instead of accusing me of mine
So it's true that she may be taller, and quicker and surer and all that I think I am...
But all that I am pales compared to her - though it utterly loathes me to admit it
I think... uniquely. From all others, not just from her
(our strange almost 'twin' communication notwithstanding)
And my fear is structured strangely next to her template for normality
I am the abnormal one and only in this can I truly claim superiority
But this is what has brought me pain so I will not surrender my title easily
I love my sister and (for right now) she does me
Though now we part, the undulating of childhood terminating
Within only a matter of weeks, she will be gone
And I too, off to our own worlds, own paths and lives
Begun. But never separate completely I hope - for our bond of sisterhood
I pray shall never break: fade perhaps, weaken maybe
But wither away - I will not permit it
Or so I say, as I watch her walk away, marching into her future
On such a very different path than mine; so I turn around to face what is coming
And do the exact same thing as well – walk away…
But never truly let her go, the tether of sisterhood between us
Sometimes may stretch thin but it will not snap. You see -
Sometimes I think I know my sister as well as I know my own breath
Yet she lives and breathes herself apart from me nevertheless
Chapter 133: From the shoes of the future
Notes:
The product of 4am.
Chapter Text
You think I haven't been where you stand!
Stood out on the edge looking down…
It's what fills my vision every time I'm in the dark
Just as the smell of blood clogs my nose
And the sting of water on fresh cut skin
Sings forever present in my memory
As mine – only mine - not a shadow or a copy
My guilt, my shame, my hunger and need,
My all-consuming terror and precious sliver of fear
The words uttered in that momentary decision.
To jump or not to jump, that was the question.
Yes or no, yay or nay. My fate to be decided
To be determined or denied - my own life
And death I chose. I chose. I chose. Do you see?
And you think I haven't been there, where you now stand…
Blinking because someone has reached out to take your hand.
It can be across miles or millimetres, seconds or minutes,
Across time, space and everything in human existence.
But my fingers are outstretched, almost brushing yours
Surely you can feel it? The way your life just has to pause.
Take a breath, maybe two. It's all about to start anew!
Trust me and take one step - but not over that edge!
Not into the precipice but into my arms. Know how
I will hold you tight, so please don’t give up the fight.
You have the right to choose your life; and also your death.
But listen when I say that life... Life?
Life is so much better than death.
Chapter 134: Laughter's Fears
Chapter Text
It’s that sound that gives me nightmares
The sign and signal that they are here
Like a wolf howling at the moon
It is just as primal, just as predatory
The instinct is to flee - never freeze or fight
Just run away from the creatures prowling
So late at night, the shadows circle
Cackling calls echo against many bodies
Like the sight of a shark fin cutting through ocean
That sounds sends pure fear rushing down my spine
Laughter, high pitched and overly loud, but still
Just laughter - the pack is having some fun
But it terrifies me in a way I can't explain
Trained from a young age to fear that which
Follows after those mocking jeers and whoops
Alongside side-long glances and un-hushed whispers
Screams and shouts fill the unquiet night
And sleep evades me as I lie in the dark
Listening to the racket of riot of young fun
And trying not to shake too badly.
Chapter 135: Independence?
Chapter Text
I used to think that independence
Was having the freedom to do
What I thought was best
Having the luxury of privacy
And my secrets all to myself
But now I'm starting to realise
That maybe it's a little more complicated
And perhaps independence instead
Is having the freedom to wonder
What is for the best.
Chapter 136: Well Within
Chapter Text
Sometimes I feel like there’s a well inside of me
And its pure, clean, refreshing water
The only thing it can do is wash and cleanse
And make things grow stronger and taller
Prouder. Sometimes I stare down into it,
Not quite believing it is there, within me
Not understanding how that’s even possible.
But it’s there, ever constant, ever flowing
Bubbling up within me, bringing hope
And joy and all the good things of life.
And I can feel it, so strongly sometimes,
So sure I am of its existence, its presence
But other times, it’s not so easy.
The water is blocked and I feel so drained
Lifeless, desert-like – barren and dead.
Like the only water in my well is stale
And stinking and stagnant. Sometimes
I just feel like that, and there’s nothing
I can do – nor anything I have done
There’s no concrete slab or wooden slats
Been placed between me and my well
It’s all up here, in my head, but it’s no less real
Eventually, I know, the sun will shine again
And that well will still be clear and cool
I can drink from it as much as I dare
But that if the clouds hide the light
And the brightness turns to shadows
When the turquoise blue becomes
Inky blackness, I know everything
Will be alright. In my well within.
Chapter 137: CULTIVATION
Summary:
Random metaphorical one written on an exercise.
Chapter Text
Fortunate indeed are those
To whom frosts are not unknown
In their great scope for artistic design
Welcome containers for the showier attention
The sculptural effect the noble summers bring
Resist the urge to overcrowd the singly parched places
Your own slice of desert to bring a touch of the exotic
Where the frost bites the more delicate variety
The unprotected and yet distinct on a smaller scale
The choice today is between a worse enemy than glass
The original geometry of special structures in full force
Needed for the permeant and experimental
Of perfectionist wishing - despite ability –
In an artificial ideal it is advisable to prevent
Else they will benefit and the decorative will dry
In fierce upsets on rocks without value or passers-by
Thus we need consider only the truce and the darker ground
The door is wide open to where one can be valued
As much as possible under the glass of the crown
Chapter 138: Archaeology Is
Summary:
Ever written a poem based on a crossword?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
ARCHAEOLOGY is
the STUDY of the PAST
of HISTORY and ANCIENT TIMEs
of the YEARS of OLD
and AGEs gone by
through the long ERAs
we wander LOOSE and FREE
SEARCHing for things to SAVE
REVEAL and DRAW(N) upon
in our THEOR(Y)ies to fill
BOOKS forevermore
we LEARN as best we can
by PEEKing into LIFE
in ANTIQUITY and PRESENT day
combined
KEEN to sneak just a glimpse
and to VIEW the WISDOM
and KNOWLEDGE there
to ERASE it or KEEP it
though we DIG and scan
with the NEWest GADGETS
aching to MEET those whom
we JUDGE and FOLLOW despite
LEADing other as we go
into the WATER that nurtures all things
and PROTECTs our HERITAGE
thus always our FUTURE.
Notes:
In case you couldn't guess, I just started an Archaeology & Ancient History degree...
Chapter 139: My freedom
Summary:
Lockdown is tough and lonely.
Chapter Text
There are bars on the window
And bolts on the door
There are chains round each limb
Though I don't feel them anymore
My heart is nearly breaking
As I bang right on the wall
Is anybody listening?
Or am I alone again once more.
From beyond my senses
I know there is a world out there
Of light and hope and beauty
And I cling to it I swear
I gaze out through my lashes
And the iron studded panes
To glimpse the life that thriving
Outside this darkened cage
I sing, I cry, I whimper
In the shadows and the light
It's all the same without this
Chance of giving up the fight
The floor is hollow, the walls are thin
Yet somehow still they keep me in
I can hear your voices muffled
And sense your presence near
Is there a key, does is it exist?
Or am I trapped forever after this?
I know it's tragic, and pitiful
But only wish for; my freedom.
Chapter 140: My Thoughts Are Loud
Summary:
2am: What a time to be awake.
Chapter Text
My thoughts are loud
So incredibly annoyingly
Loud.
More than the ticking of a clock
More than the rain upon the
Window pane
More than hiccups or stomach
Gurglings
I long for silence
For sleep and rest and quiet
For them to relent just for once
As I stare at the ceiling
Not seeing but not dreaming
And I swear I can feel
Every second trickle by
My mind is rioting
Screaming and shouting
Nothing tangible, nothing useful
At least not for 2am
There's a plane passing overhead
I can hear the blood rushing
Through my ears
And the clock's every tick
But my brain won't shut up
Not even a brief respite
No vacation from reality
And being awake
Dreamland here I come
Once my thoughts somehow
Stop. Just stop.
And the rain ceases it's
Echoing dripping down.
Chapter 141: Hope
Summary:
Hold on
Chapter Text
Hope is the one thing stronger
You have to believe that things will get better
Or you'll drown
Believe me, I know
I don't do that anymore
It's been almost a year and a half
At some point I just began winning the battles
But I have to believe that I will keep
Wanting to win
I am proof that anything is possible
If you can just hold on to hope
Chapter 142: Orgasm
Summary:
This is a bit more personal than I'm used to but I felt it was important.
Notes:
(If my sister is somehow reading this - f*** off!!!)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
What an important aspect of life.
Not just of one’s sex life.
But of life itself.
My life, my health - physical, emotional,
Mental - can occasionally rely on it.
And even if not,
It provides such a useful ‘boost’ -
You might say…
There is nothing quite as mindful
Nothing so present
So in the moment
Where all else fades away
All other things are meaningless
Just the chase of pleasure
Just the rush of brain chemistry
Thoughts muted. Body on full volume.
To still my thoughts
To numb them with feeling
So strong they are
Drowned out
My mind rides my body
As my body does
The ocean.
It floats.
Listens to it - for once...
It's invigorating
It's relaxing
It's destressing
It's exciting
It's fun. It's free.
Both freeing and free of charge
It's private
Something of the darkness
Of the silence but for the sounds I make
Hushed in the night
I am my own therapist
Doctor, friend, lover
I drain my mind of all coherent thought
Until it is a miracle I can form sentences
Afterwards, I bask in it
The drifting of the mind
That lulls me to sleep
The mind pulls the body down
In command again yet lured there
The body succumbs with a smile
Like that of a cat that got the cream
Whoever thought that in order to think
One cannot let the body feel
Clearly never did or they'd know
That only after the body is in charge
Can the mind rest and regroup
Before charging into the new day
Notes:
Yeah I know, the formatting is shit...
Comment?
Chapter 143: Midnight of a new day
Summary:
Inspired & using some lyrics from Memory (Cats - musical).
The way the verses reflect my own thoughts on my childhood, teenage years and present/future into adulthood - respectively...
Chapter Text
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
I see the moon, and the moon sees me
I wish on the moon, however glorious it may be
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
When I was a child
Idyllically running
In fields of green
Long since turned
To mud and brick
An innocent grin
A smile that reached
Eyes so young
That didn't understand
I can remember
It almost feels worse
That I can - the memory
Mocking the night
I find myself in
Endless as the sky
Tears on my cheeks
That would only
Have appeared
With a grazed knee
Or a banged head
To be soothed by
Kisses now long overdue
The time when happiness
Was not something
I could miss
When all was simple
Nearly boringly so
I did not know
What I had
Until it was gone
Daylight I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
I must last through
This night
This darkest
Of nights
Until the dawn
Breaks here
I must engage
In a battle of survival
I must fight to
Even want to win
Counting the minutes
Seconds and hour
Refusing to give in
As the cruel thoughts
Cackle and whisper
They will one day be
Only a memory
Dredged up by a
Passing remark or
Comment on poetry
From long ago times
But for now I must wait
For the sunrise
And hope for tomorrow
That right now I do
Not wish to live
To see
Touch me it's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
I am alone
Isolated
But alive
And perhaps
I should count
This as a win
Please hold me
Proove to me that
I have survived
I breathe still
Feel my heartbeat
Time after time
Why do you leave me
To fester in my
Old dark memories
Why can't you touch me
Can you not hear my plea
I remember the moonlight
And the hours sat
With tears as my only
Friends - sleep evading
My exhausted soul
An embrace given
Without thought
Has great consequence
When as tired as I
A gift of kindness
Is precious
Look a new day has begun
My life is my own
Now I see this is true
My own to kindle
To nurture and flourish too
I have a choice here
I always do.
Chapter 144: To the ones I love
Summary:
This is a poem about a memory stick I keep, despite being over a year clean now, that contains photos of all my self-inflicted wounds and the imagery sourced from the internet which both encouraged my habit and urged me to stop...
Chapter Text
I have a secret, you see
It's only a little secret really
About the size of my thumb
But it contains all my other secrets
The ones that might make you come undone
See it's a tiny memory stick
A little thumb drive that fits in your palm
It's black of course, made of hard plastic
With edges sharp yet dull and a surface
That reflects light if ever it emerges from the dark
It contains many pictures, some large some small
So of my own devising, taking and creating
Others were born of tortured souls not my own
Describing their own personal turmoil
That I related to so well
The photos made by my own hands
Often feature my own hands ironically
Or my wrist or arm or thigh or fist
Bloodied, bruised, bashed or scratched
Those are just the tame ones
One's that act as proof to me
Of what I once did, the damage inflicted
Now lost in memory and faded scars
I don't know why I would ever let you see them
To let you know exactly what I have done
It's not bragging, only worth crying over
My shame overwhelmed only by the loss
Those others that I mentioned
Discovered in the depths of the web
Google searches that would have
Gotten me committed - if ever they were discovered
And yet still I keep then
Hidden away, next to old blades
Kept for no reason more than
Perhaps to convince myself
A reminder also, of what that road
I still somewhat long to tread
Leads to - what it will always lead to
A warning: forever
But I never want you to find it
Never want you to see those
The images I treasure deep inside
In some twisted way, I know
Still I dread to think what another
Might make of them, if they saw
A sign of my insanity for sure
I never want that for you
Never want your burdened with
That knowledge than weighs on
My darkest of memories
Please continue your life in joy
But take away this: healing does not
Mean the pain happened
Only that the damage caused
No longer has control over
Your life, or mine.
Chapter 145: These words
Chapter Text
These words that follow
I once upon a time
Etched into my skin
Carved into my flesh
Forced through blood
And toil and hours
To become a part of me
Burden
Stupid
Useless
Nothing
Worthless
Failure
But now they have faded
So much that what I
Painstakingly drew is no more
There than a passing shadow
Cast by moonlight
They have left me, I am free now
They are gone
Those words that I selected
These words that I intended
To be on my gravestone
Are now no more than a memory
To be recalled in the wee hours
With shudders and with tears
For what I put myself through
That from somehow I have healed
My skin has healed
My flesh has mended
Without my trying, meaning
Or even wanting it to
These words hold no power
As long as we don't let them
They are only sound, only shape
Without the meaning we assign them
Empty, void, hollow, silenced
The power of those words
Have been lost to the darkness
Chapter 146: And listen to the rain.
Summary:
2am thoughts.
Chapter Text
It's raining.
But I'm supposed to be sleeping.
I think.
Just because it's dark doesn't mean
I should sleep.
Just because it's night doesn't make
Sleep come.
It's raining and I'm listening.
Listening as it ebbs and fades.
Pulsating on the roof above me.
Above my pillow where my head is resting.
The rain pours down and even though
It is night time.
Even though I should be sleeping.
And in some ways I wish I was
Because I will regret this come the morning
Or should I say, come tomorrow
Even though my body begs for rest
I lie here, listening to the rain.
This is not intended to be a punishment.
An exercise of will over my self.
This is not intended, full stop
But still I listen
Lying quiet and still
As if the slightest breath
The slightest shift
Will disrupt this spell
The weather has chosen to cast on me
And I let it...
I hold my breath, I tense my muscles
I listen to the melody
The hypontic rhythm both
Plaguing and blessing me
My unconsciousness with feast on this
If ever - no, whenever - I finally sleep
Because while I listen to the rain
My mind can simply think
My body is cold, might as well be dead
For all my mind cares so long as I
Keep listening to the rain.
It's raining. Really pouring.
Practically bucketing it down.
And all I can do is lie here
In my bed.
And not sleep.
And listen
To the rain.
Chapter 147: My eyebrows and Me.
Summary:
A story of bullying and self-image.
Chapter Text
Now. To set the scene.
When I was about 16,
Hormones and everything
Being what they are,
I developed, what most
Would unaffectionately
Describe as a ‘monobrow’.
Just a handful of extra hairs
Growing in between that
In the wrong light sort of
Joined up the two into one.
It was fine. I hadn’t really noticed.
Until one day it was thrown in
My face as a jeer and a mock.
I don’t exactly remember when
Or how or why – if there was
Even a reason that time.
It was just one ‘insult’ amongst
The many I heard daily.
My height, my weight, my face.
All fair game, apparently.
My laugh, my smile, my voice.
All seemed funny, to almost
Everyone else – but me.
I could never get the joke.
Usually because I was the
Butt of it. Anyway,
The first time I heard it
I think I was kind of shocked,
Well not shocked, maybe
More surprised than anything.
Here was a detail about me
That I had barely realised
But these people had spotted
And twisted it around so
That they could laugh at
One more part of me…
I wonder why they cared.
When I got home, I must admit,
I looked in the mirror.
And I did not see a ‘monobrow’
Just a few bonus hairs,
Spare eyebrow, sitting there.
What was wrong with that?
I guess I understood enough
To know that it was abnormal
Or atypical – a deviation from
The expected norm. But I was
Fine with that too.
My whole life I had been the
‘Weird one’ (My whole life
I had been mocked and
Brought down for it too)
I was used to it, I suppose.
But as the days went by
Those taunts got louder.
It was as if someone
Somewhere was handing out
Flyers saying: "Look, she’s got
A 'monobrow'. Let’s make fun
Of it!" Probably because at that
Point they were seriously
Lacking in originality.
I mean, sure, make fun of
How I walk – if it makes
You happy (Which it won’t).
Slowly, it crept into my head.
That the cause of all this – and
The way to end it – was simply
To remove this big sign I was
Apparently wearing that read:
"Pick on me". And that seemed
To be my ‘monobrow’.
So I picked up the tweezers
One night and got to work.
At school, the next day,
Nothing had changed.
Although I’m not sure what
Exactly I expected…
Them to be quiet,
Ignore my existence like
The kinder ones did.
Nope. They just found a
New topic to feast on.
(I think it was my shoes
But it might have been
My legs, I can’t quite recall.
I suppose it’s not important.)
Surprisingly, no one commented
On my lack of eyebrow, that day.
In fact, I’m not sure anyone
Even took notice. Not of me,
Certainly not of my percentage
Of hair on my face…
It was ironic. That when I paid
Attention and listened to these
Idiots, I was worse off than before.
Figures. Some part of me had
Always known it wouldn’t make
Any difference. They had called
Me names and laughed at me
(Not necessarily them, per say,
But people like them) For as
Long as I could remember.
Why would losing my branding
As ‘monobrow' girl change that?
Why would changing me change
How they viewed me, talked about me
And how they treated me?
It wouldn’t. And I had known that,
I swear, somewhere deep down.
But hope. Cruel, bitter, hope.
Had won me over. It had seemed
So simple and it was anything but.
The last part of this story happened
A few weeks later, I was talking with
A friend of mine (Yes, I did have some.
Luckily.) about something or other,
When suddenly she stopped and
Was staring at my forehead.
Immediately I panicked (Because
That was my conditioning) but
Then I realised she looked… Sad.
Heartbreakingly sad. I frowned
And asked what was wrong.
She answered me with a question
In a very quiet and solemn voice
And with an expression like she
Was trying hard not to cry
But sort of also to be self-assured.
She asked me: “Did you pluck
Your eyebrows?” Her tone and
Expression warned me and I
Avoided her gaze. I felt ashamed.
Although I’m still not quite sure
Why. I think I nodded and she sighed
Then gave me a kind of awkward hug.
We changed the topic after that.
Her reaction has always stuck with me.
Even now, several years later, I can still
Perfectly picture her face when she
Realised: a little horrified, then sad.
Very sad. At the time I didn’t understand.
I suspect there are things about that
Conversation I don’t know still.
But I do know this…
She hadn’t noticed, not for a while.
(And yes, I had continued to prune
My eyebrows. Why give them another
Tool in their arsenal?) So maybe she
Was sad she hadn’t realised?
No, that’s probably not it. My best
Guess, looking back on everything,
Was that she was sad that their words
(Which she heard anytime she was
Around me, but – as is agreed – were
Almost a forbidden subject. Not
Open for discussion, even in comfort.)
Had had such an effect on me, that
I had listened. And obeyed.
And that broke her heart, for some reason.
Of course, I mostly get it.
My strange, discomforting shame at her
Question reveals how much I knew
I was wrong to listen like that.
But in a way, I didn’t have a choice.
What else could I have tried in order
To free myself of them?
I cannot change my height or my face.
Or my smile or my laugh (Unless I don’t
Smile or laugh – which I was already
Trying not to do around them…
It wasn’t really working though.
Big surprise.) My weight is a story
For another day. My walk, my shoes
(Okay, I kind of could have changed
My shoes, but how could I explain
That to my parents or justify the
Unnecessary cost.. And most likely
Any shoe I chose would also be ‘wrong’.)
My voice, my words, my thoughts,
My personality – these are not things
I could, would or should ever change
For someone else. Certainly not for
Someone who only seeks to tear me
Down. Somewhere inside I know
That nothing I ever did would have
Been right for them. They would
Always have found something new.
Because that was what I was to them.
Something to laugh at, a joke, a clown
Placed on this earth for their entertainment.
That was my role, and I survived it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Having a few bonus eyebrow hairs,
Or removing said extra hair,
Is not going to change who I am.
I am me. That is not going to change
Even if over time I change. (After all,
I am not the same person I was back then,
Just as I was not the person then that I
Was aged five, or six, or ten.) I am simply me.
Monobrow and all.
Chapter 148: Addicted Life
Chapter Text
Why is this my life?
And I mean that unironically.
Will this always be how I am?
Am I forever stuck in this cycle?
I thought I was clear. Home free.
Clean for almost 2 years.
From something that did its best
To drag me to the depths of hell.
But I got away, or so I thought.
Now I’m staring at a new demon
A new danger coming from within.
Am I seriously back to square one?
I try to believe that I am not.
I have tools now, mechanisms, skills.
Techniques to escape – but also to avoid this
And see how well that worked…
It’s hurting me. And I feel so ashamed
Because I should have known better.
I’ve been down this road so many times.
And you’d have thought by now I’d learned.
So here I am again? Staring into the abyss.
Not as lost as before, but just as scared.
Maybe even more so, this time is different.
I have broken my promise to never return.
I’m not as alone either, not if I choose not to be.
Of course I always had the choice
But now maybe I am willing to take it
Does that tell you just how scared I am?
In my defense, I knew it was obsessive.
I knew it was addictive. I felt it taking over
My brain chemistry and dominating my thoughts.
But I wrote it off as nothing to worry about.
Why? Why! Why would I do that? Why did I do that?
It’s like I was deliberately stabbing myself
In the back while doing everything
I could to tell myself I wasn’t. Liar.
So now I’m here again. Facing so much.
Medical, psychological, social, mental.
I want to run away and hide but
Can you really blame me?
I think I know how this will go.
I want to be proved wrong but
Unfortunately, I doubt I will.
I know where this path will lead.
So I’m scared. Sue me!
So I didn’t want to believe it.
Can you understand why?!?
I am back in this hole and I hate it.
Chapter 149: A New Pet
Summary:
Recovery is a strange process. But fluffy things always help.
Chapter Text
It’s interesting for me
To look down at my hand
Or wrist or thigh
And find a scratch
Or bruise or mark
That I didn’t place there
That’s creation is a mystery
Instead of nightmarish memory
To me – I know the cause
I have an explanation
But involves a new family member
With claws and fluffy cuteness
In seemingly equal amounts
I worried it could be triggering
To see flesh I have striven so hard
To keep unbroken all red and raised
And though I do often double-take
I remember that my own hand
Did not make these – I did not fail
Only succeeded even more
And now have a furry companion
To help me on my way
Despite the many scratches given
To my sleeveless uncovered arms.
Chapter 150: Point of View
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I pick up opinions
As a knitted blanket
Does dust
I soak them up
My brain recalls all
Then I spout them
Like a rehearsed soliloquy
Truths based on the fiction
That is perspective
Of someone who is not me
I hear them like they are
The Voice of God and
Preach when given
The barest opportunity
I am sometimes not
Sure anymore
Which viewpoints I speak of
Are even mine own
My voice drowned out
Mixed up in a tangle
Of thoughts, to be
Extricated from the pile
Like a bundle of washing
From everyone in the street
And you can never find
Try as you might or may
To uncover two matching
Socks, no pair of ideas ever meet
Eye to eye, nor do mine
Or whomever I borrowed
Them from.
Notes:
I don't know if this is an Autism thing, so please let me know if you think you do this too...
Chapter 151: Future Love
Chapter Text
I would not say I do not expect to find love
Simply that I do not expect love to find me
I anticipate falling in love and getting my heart broken
Because this is what society has told me
But I do not prepare for a relationship someday
I do not believe that someday I will be loved
For this is also what the media has taught
That I am someone who is a nuisance
A relationship with whom is to be endured
Tolerated and eventually learnt from
I am not someone who will be adored
Merely a curiosity like something from a museum
An experience to sample but ultimately leave.
They say love is an adventure, a story to unfold
But all I ever wonder is if the tale is getting old.
Chapter 153: Tell me why.
Chapter Text
I wish I could blame it on
‘that time of the month’
Or even that maybe I’m
‘particularly stressed right now’
But in reality it’s just my brain
Choosing to give me hard time.
Make me afraid. Make me tired.
Make me regret and overthink.
Make me cry in the dark of the night.
And I still don’t know why…
Chapter 155: How many days are in two years?
Summary:
I'm 100 days from being 2 years clean.
Chapter Text
How many days are in two years?
How many days do I have to wait?
How much longer until my wish is fulfilled
And my achievement is finally reached?
How many months make up two years?
How many times must I ride the rapids?
How much must I endure of my body
And brain scheming to erase me?
How many hours occur in two years?
How many until it is too many to count?
How much of those hours I have left
Will I spend waiting for them to go by?
How many lifetimes exist in two years?
How many people will I have been by then?
How much must I change just so that
I can survive to see the 730th day arrive?
Chapter 156: Dear Fear
Chapter Text
Chapter 157: Rock
Chapter Text
What do you do when
You are stuck someplace
And there is no escape
I used to think get out
Endure and one day
This will all be over
But now I am realising
That maybe things are
Never that simple
Sometimes stuff just happens
And there's not a lot you can do
Except maybe accept the
Inevitable in that we all
Will change in time too.
Chapter 158: Look into my eyes
Chapter Text
Look into my eyes
I will show you a world of pain
That you cannot comprehend
And you will look away...
Don't worry, it's okay
I understand.
Chapter 159: All I've got is you
Chapter Text
I scroll through my texts
Through the people I forget
Past the numbers and faces
Of those from before
And I realise now
I never lost you then
Even though sometimes
I feel like I left
So I’m sorry for all the
Times I made you sad
And I’m sorry if ever
I managed to make
You actually mad
But it’s 3am and I’m alone
And it’s dark both here
And in my head
And I realise
That all I’ve got is you
Chapter 160: Control Biology
Chapter Text
Do you know what’s so hard?
I have no control
But that’s the one thing I am
Forever fighting for
And clinging to every minute
I’m straining against my biology
My body, my blood, my brain
The chemicals flowing through me
With reasons that I have to find
And become harder to remember
Every time I try
Chapter 161: Tonight
Chapter Text
Please someone pull me out of this hole I find myself sinking in
Again
I scroll through my contacts but select none of them
Ever
Too scared to disturb someone's mind and rest with my
Fear
So afraid I'm not strong enough to get myself out this
Time
Because even though I've done it before maybe
Tonight
Is the night I fail and fall forever down into the darkest
Depths
Am I the only one feeling so alone right now
Or
It this just my head rebelling against how well things have been
Going
Please tell me if this is real, if this is my reality
Now
Give me a reason to keep fighting when I am too terrified to
Ask
Help me when I say nothing and give you no reason to
Save
Me.
Chapter 162: Sleepwalk
Chapter Text
You walk the empty darkened streets alone
Never stumbling though the shadows hold their own
Head held high but eyes forever darting
As you watch the world slide past in parting
Footsteps sure and legs unsteady
Arms swinging and fists clenched ready
Ears would be pricked if they were not human
Senses screaming for any other movement
You stroll, you amble, you gander in nonchalance
You wander, you stride, you strut and saunter fast
No matter the hour or the worries that remain behind
The pace remains unhurried, an effortless glide
The click of shoes on slick pavements surprise beyond reason
And the shades of the night-time just deepen
The clock strikes later and later but you don't fret
For there are many places that you have not trodden yet
Chapter 163: Speaking as a person with ASD
Chapter Text
Where was the vigil
When over 200 autistic people
In the last year died by
‘Mercy killings’
Where were the marches
Parades and protest banners
When a 13-year-old boy with ASD
Was shot by police inside his home
Where is our Black Panther
Our Moana or our Raya
All we’ve got is Music
Sia’s ableist ‘masterpiece’
Where are the headline
About vaccines to help us all out
Not actually causing autism
And being nothing at all to fear
Where are the laws to protect us
When our murderers often get off
And we cannot park in a blue badge spot
Because ‘you don’t have a real disability’
What happened to those lanyards
Decorated with hopeful little sunflowers
Meant to help us out in the world
Now hijacked by Covid’s supremacy
Where is the tutelage
The education for our peers
To explain to them that we are
Not broken worthless freaks
But I get it, I really do – why should we matter to you
There is so much more we need to do first as human beings
Too much on the agenda, to begin on ableist propaganda
So autistics will keep getting trampled on the way
When women are still preyed upon
And black people get killed by cops
When queers still face conversion ‘therapy’
And trans individuals cannot pee
You see I do understand
There are too many problems
It’s getting out of hand
But let me tell you this
Without neurodivergency
Where would we be?
Chapter 164: Shaken
Chapter Text
Chapter 165: Outside the window
Chapter Text
Chapter 166: The Truth Of These Friendships
Chapter Text
You never quite realise
How much history two people can have
Shared knowledge of experiences
Lives lived intertwined
Until someone new appears
And every plotted tangent
Leads to topics better left alone
And secrets you feel you must keep
All in all, it's within your right
Your past, your life, is your own
It does not need to be disclosed
Even if it makes you who you are
When the secrets are dangerous
Bloodied and guilty things
Made of darkness and pain
Why would you darken the new horizon of today
If the tale is one of hope though
Of survival and getting through
Then is there a duty to tell it
And give strength to those behind you
What if my story is one I've never had to tell
Not yet written in its entirety but
Something on which I always dwell
The urge to speak it's solemn secrets looms
But I am hesitant to re-gouge those old weary wounds
I believe that I owe you
I should tell you that I am
I know from experience
That lies and secrets
Disrupt the plans
But I find myself wondering
What difference would it make
For who can ever really know me
And if my life and your life are colliding
Then perhaps we'll get there in the end.
Chapter 167: Worst of pain
Chapter Text
Chapter 168: Should I thank you or apologise?
Chapter Text
Talk to me about anything, something?
Just bad thoughts, you know -
And it’s not even 11pm. Wow.
So please just distract me right now.
Because I can’t alone and that’s what I am.
You can say almost anything -
I really don’t care. Just keep typing.
Tell a crap joke or old anecdote -
It doesn’t matter except it does.
You asked for this, for me to reach out.
Well now I am so wake up and help.
I don’t ask you to fight my fight for me.
Just to provide arms so to speak.
I know we’re both exhausted body and mind -
And I’m sorry about this but I have to ask
Or else I don’t know what could happen
So just reply and talk and respond.
So I know there’s someone out there
Fighting in my corner while I cannot.
Talk nonsense, text words that say nothing.
But do not stop until this nightmare is done.
Chapter 169: Where is the line?
Chapter Text
Where is your line?
How far will you go?
To get out alive?
Who'll be left behind?
Where is your line?
Will you leave me behind?
To make it out fine?
I just need to know.
Where is that line?
That determines what's true.
Where is our future?
Will I be with you?
Where is your line?
How far will you go?
To get out alive?
Who'll be left behind?
Who would I leave behind?
If I had no choices?
Where is my line?
How far do I go?
To survive.
Chapter 170: Invisible;
Chapter Text
How is it that most fight so hard to stay?
When at one point I was fighting to leave.
I fought as hard to go and they do to not.
Yet one fight is known, witnessed and awed.
While the other never acknowledged,
Made for whispers behind closed doors.
I fight now to stay, not as much as I had to once.
I fight everyday but there is no chart,
No doctor's frown nor Xray scans,
To show you proof enough of my pain.
My fight will not be over sooner than those
Who won't live to fight another day.
But they worry and comfort and hold dear
Simply because the battle is open and clear.
What have I done that my struggle is pushed aside?
So much even I dare not bring it to the light.
Invisible suffering - I feel so lost
My guiding hearts off helping those
Whose battles are over, lost and done
But who will fight alongside
Those who now fight on?
Chapter 171: Stormy Days
Chapter Text
I feel like I am in the centre of a storm
A storm of me
My thoughts swirl around me so fast
I cannot tell one from the other
I do not know where one fear ends
And the next begins its onslaught upon me
Anxiety grows like lava within the volcano
About to erupt that is me
Fears blur until terror has it's claws deep in me
I cannot break free.
I can't even see through the dark clouds
And raging gales and floods of tears
Yet this is just today. This minute even.
Out of nowhere known nor expected.
Just here. Hurting me. Scaring me. Now.
One minute laughing and singing
The other yelling and frustrated
The next curled in a ball sobbing as my
Own personal hurricane engulfs me
Eventually the dam will break
And it will be over soon
Peace will be restored - if tentatively
But for now I must endure because
This storm that surrounds me
Gives me no other option
No outside help will pass through
And I can do nothing but wait in the eye
Until my path ahead is clear
And the tears on my face have dried
Chapter 172: A Stimmer's as lucky as lucky can be
Summary:
Stim Stimmeney, Stim Stimmeney, Stim Stim, Steree.
Chapter Text
The day I learnt what stimming was
It felt like a door had been opened
Had been unlocked within in
Something I hadn’t even realised was there
Because I had never been given permission
To explore it, to validate it, to express it
In the weeks that followed I discovered
A foot tapping and a hand flailing
Gave me a strange contentment I couldn’t name
It started small and I was stuck in lockdown
So no one would see expect me
I experimented, found that one thing worked
Whereas another didn’t so much
It felt freeing, like my diagnosis had eventually
After I had come to terms with what it meant
And grieved over the end of the old me
This felt less like grief and more like birth
Joyous and a celebration, it gave me hope
I was facing a lot in my future, near and far
The confidence those quiet dark silent moments
Had gifted to me to be able to shake and tap and hum
And nod my head and sway and rock about
That feeling, that unspoken yet tangible power
Was priceless, precious and purely me
It was like a present from my body to my brain
As if a quiet solemn apology whispered from
Cheekily grinning lips – “Sorry you’re like this,
Might this help you feel better and help us to
Work together?” And then they both turned to me
Heads cocked and smiling softly before saying:
“Go on then,” They tell me, “Go prove them wrong.”
Chapter 173: Just Beginning
Chapter Text
I cried so hard
At nearly 4am
When I realised
The significance
Of the date then
2 years ago prior
For no discernible
Reasons or motivations
I picked up a blade
And put it to my skin
But what makes
That time so special
When in the moment
It was anything but
Painful in every way
Is that it was the last
Not since have I done
That harmful action
Never torn my flesh
To let bright blood bleed
But I had forgotten somehow
Perhaps even moved on
Lived life or tried to
While stumbling of course
But getting up no matter what
I refused to remain
In the dark depths
Of that hell I had dug
For myself and my brain
Instead I had climbed out
So even though sometimes
I might slip and fall
Tumble so far down again
I knew I could climb out
And feel the sun again
Not because it was easier
In fact it felt harder
And harder each time
But because I had before
Knowing that gave me hope
When I realised the 2 years
Had passed almost without
Me noticing or knowing
I cried so hard, desperately
As I realised for the first time
I had truly begun.
Chapter 174: To do list
Summary:
My situation at the end of a long week.
Chapter Text
There are things I gotta do
Sort of places I gotta be
But I've been going all week
And now I just want to sleep
But I did and now I'm awake.
Awake, not really functioning
So first on my list perhaps
Should be coffee and breakfast
To help me complete that sheet
I believe I still have some coffee
Remaining in my slowly emptying
Cupboards and drawers so
To shop and refill and gather supplies
For a movie night later today
That would certainly be wise...
Furthermore my room is a mess
Not half least because I am also
But also for all the washing I need
To get done, clothing resorted
Organised and put away that will
Help with the chaos and the smell!
I also have pots, pans, mugs, cups
And cutlery that is begging to be washed
Admittedly it has all week but I have
Barely been awake and now my arms
Are rebelling and don't want to move
To be used to clean my messes today!
But they need to get done, my jobs
The to do list for this weekend
My exhausted body cannot stop me
Although my exhausted mind might
The first step, the first stage is complete
Though I am yet to rise to my feet
For I have written this down on paper!
My to do list has now been created.
Chapter 175: Reaching Out
Chapter Text
I reached out because
I was feeling isolated
And thinking thoughts
That were scary and horrid
Cruel and mean – that
I didn’t want to be thinking
So I messaged you
Wanting help and support
Not that you realised nor I said
And I am sorry for that
But the rest is on you
For what you did and said next
I was feeling alone and afraid
I just wanted reminding
That someone was out there
But you questioned my choices
Targeted my mistakes
That I was trying to ignore
That I was fighting to forget
For the sake of my health
I was scared and in danger
I needed to feel safe
And I thought that that was you
But you challenged my attempts
To do better and to make good
Things that weren’t in my control
Or my fault to begin with
You picked my apart when I
Needed putting back together
Which is what I had tried to ask you
You tore me down when I had
Wanted you to build me up
I had reached out a hand after
I had fallen down to help you
To help me stand once more
And you laughed, you laughed
And walked away as I lay
There on the floor
Bleeding and crying
Though you might not have known
You still left me
You still hurt me
Now what have you to say?
An apology or even an excuse
I will take either and forgive you
But you don’t, you just say nothing
Nothing but goodbye
And I just watch you go.
Chapter 176: Moments Like This
Chapter Text
I will love a person who notices
When a time and place is special
Who has the ability and knowledge
To see a moment for what it is
Ephemeral and transient
And so very precious.
As it is arguably all that we are
Human beings exist as a series of moments
Snapshots in time and space
A split second or a full minute
A gorgeous view or an important person.
Our lives are only these points
That may be plotted on a graph
The y axis you can term whatever
You wish it to represent
Call it joy, fulfilment, peace
The x axis cannot be changed
Time.
Time waits for no one
Halts, pauses, breaks
On no one’s authority
But its own deadly patience
And we are helpless to
Its whims and whimsical fancies.
Our lives are moments
Only that, only ever that
But that does not make them
Worthless or not worthwhile
In fact, in my opinion, the graph
Makes them ever more precious
Even more treasured than before.
Chapter 177: Euthanasia
Chapter Text
I once heard a friend of mine say
While in conversation with another
That they had never known someone
Who should like to die rather than live
A lie of course but perhaps a kind one
For I suspect the listener to be fragile
But of course perhaps an accidental
Lie of omission orchestrated by her memory
I have never well discussed my trials
Particularly never my thoughts like that
The subject silently barred to us
My friend already quite afraid for me
Without details of my wish to depart
I wonder now if they ever realised
There was so much occurring back then
Maybe that aspect to my suffering
Was not acknowledged and therefore
Goes unremembered by them, however
I think that the more likely answer
Is that even in the moment such thoughts
Such painful desiring could not be understood
And therefore never noted, instead forcibly forgotten
Or removed from their mind so that now
Now the already distant memory is dim
Dim with time and pain from then and now
Still I felt like I was blindsided just then
As I heard a dear friend remark so casually
So absently, with a kind of ignorant bliss
That I shamefully find myself jealous of
No matter it's cause or continuation
To forget that time, so long suffered and endured
That will forever be etched, no, carved, in me
Staining that chapter of my life a deep red
Those pages soaked in blood and sweat
Yet they can just forget - consciously or otherwise
It is still something I envy in spite of what it made me
I wish I can, I wish I had, but I know I never will
Exclaim or murmur or gently relate
That I never knew of someone who
Wants so badly to escape.
Chapter 178: nocte fluctus
Chapter Text
When you walk on the beach in the dark
With a scattering of stars shining down
And the faintest of light still softly leaking
From the far horizon over the edge of the sea
The surf is rolling and achingly shakingly loud
That caressing breeze you feel on your face
And in your hair stirring its wave tops
Into startling white froth turned grey in the shadows
All other noise is drowned out
Just as the lights of civilisation are swallowed up
By the night and the entrancing crash of waves
You can be totally alone but never realise
The ocean's rhythm encapsulates all
Yet when the morning comes and the summer sun
Dawn across the cliffs and sands and water
The beach will be empty and wiped clean
All trace of your presence, your witnessing
Washed away with only your dream-dimmed
Memories to mark the time spent
Dancing along the mysterious darkened sea's edge
Playing under starlight and fading sunsets
Listening to the whispering roar of the ocean that never forgets.
Chapter 179: Life's
Chapter Text
I look at the news
At my diary past and present
I wonder what there is
In my life to look forward to
And contemplate
All that has already happened
I feel my limbs grow heavy
And my brow crumple
I want to sleep, I am so tired
But my eyelids refuse to shut
I am awake, thoughts roaring
In that scary way that they can
But have not for a little while now
I am unprepared and unimpressed
You would think that
I would be over this
I seek ways to feel anything
Scroll through porn and poetry
Alike they poke at parts of me
That perhaps I'd rather hide
I used to hold a blade
At times like this and also just because
When I felt so adrift
Alone in the dark of night
Afraid and sad and tired tonight
Maybe I will sleep
If my brain will let me
If I beg hard enough
Then maybe I can be free
Just for a few hours
Of purest peace
Then on with this life
I should be determined to keep.
Chapter 180: Happy New Year!
Notes:
I wrote this as stated at the start of 2020. Little did I know, did any of us know, what was coming. I found this the other day and realised it would be perfect to post even though I hadn't expected to share it - yet another unexpected thing for 2020/2021! Although I'm weighed down by the past decade when I was writing this, reading it now proves to me that yes, okay, the 2020/2021 have been terrible - but there's nothing like a worldwide pandemic to make you forget your troubles? I guess that's what I'm saying...
Chapter Text
Hello there! ‘Dear me.’
Isn’t that what I’m supposed to say?
Well the time is 20 past midnight
Sshhh. Everyone is asleep…
And welcome to the 2020s!
Maybe someday in the history books
This time will be referred to by its decade?
They will be called ‘the 20s’
As there are the 20s and the 30s
From the last century!
The 2010s has now become the 2020s.
Hello 2020! What will you bring?
There’s a spider in the cupboard.
That isn’t good.
In all seriousness I have no idea what I’m doing
Writing this now, when I probably should be sleeping.
I guess I needed to say – metaphorically
All of the stuff I’ve been thinking
As the new decade rolls in
New Year’s is always a time for reflection…
That can be good and bad.
I want to say that I want a clean slate over the past decade
A new start. But I’d say it and would not manage it.
I’m all for New Year’s resolutions
I’m all for looking forward
But you can’t forget the past
And the past isn’t about to change
And who I am isn’t about to either.
Even if I do everything I want to:
Exercise, eat healthy, be social and meet people
Write more, go to university, come out…
But no matter what, it’s a new year!
New possibilities – there’s so much ahead.
So much change is coming.
End of school, beginning of university:
Beginning of life, of being an adult?
I’m going to be 19 this year…
I’m 18 now!
Life is ahead, and I don’t know what it brings.
I have hope for what it brings though.
And I have faith, I believe that there is…
There is? Something worthwhile, made more precious
By a struggle to get it
So happy new year!
I’ve got to pass my driving theory test.
I’ve got mocks, my A-levels!
I need to go, I’ve got so much to do.
Good luck. I can offer you that,
If you are reading this – perhaps
Laughing at the worries I had
Or smiling knowingly that they came true.
I wish you luck, I wish you well.
I wish you all the best because the future’s coming
You are coming to me. It doesn’t let us down…
Here’s to hope for the future!
Hope for the next decade, to wipe away the last.
To put it away, in a safe place…
So I can then step out into the world,
And move on with my life.
Happy New Year.
Chapter 181: Special Snowflakes
Chapter Text
Every snowflake is different
Unique and beautiful
Fascinating too
You could spend hours
Studying them and yet
Never know everything about them
Or how they formed
Special means precious
Something to care for
We should all have someone
Who thinks of us like a rare jewel
Special means valued
Not necessarily important
But simply, present and noted
Noticed and rewarded
For attending
As we all should be?
A special snowflake
Is not someone
To be frightened of
They are a person
Same as you
And because
We are all different
That is arguably
Where the similarities end
Our DNA is human
And this unites us
Realistically that is all
We are so different
All special, unique
Beautiful and fascinating
Precious and rare and lovely
Even when we are unkind
We should all have someone
Who loves us like
A rare delicate rose
Don't you agree?
Chapter 182: My fluffy bunny doesn't make me happy right now...
Chapter Text
I can feel myself untethering from reality
In a way that I haven’t in so very long
This hand I am holding is my anchor
To a world that is faded and numb
I hear the clock tick and see that
Ten minutes have gone by now
So I release my grip and float
My fingers shaking as I hold them up
And slowly turn them in the light
I watch my emotions rise and fall
Like a jet of water shooting high
Then sinking low once more
Fear, sorrow, anger, pain, grief
But I see them as if through a telescope
Pointed at some distant barren land
A wilderness where such feelings belong
Not here, curled up in an old armchair
One wet and windy summer evening
My world has sunk to just these pages
Where I inscribe the hopes I held
So short a time ago – hope that this
Would no longer be my fated destination
To stumble into as if tumbling from a cliff
One moment fine the next all misery
Disaster striking as easily as lightning
My thunder the unsteady seep of energy
Until I cannot move so much as a toe
My hands freed in time from their confinement
Rush to type the words I have thought of
Memorised and repeated over and over
To myself as my lips gradually relearn their shape
And form them soundlessly in the darkness
Now I am back they flow forth here
But for how long, I wonder, will this return be?
How long until I am returned there
To that place where minds whir heedlessly
Like engines unconnected to their drives
Chugging pointlessly while the wheels do not turn
Is this how I am destined to seem?
Chapter 183: For Good
Chapter Text
A friend should not make me feel like this
Sad and angry and guilty because I do not tell you
Every time we meet I smile but feel bad
Because I wish I was anywhere else
I think back on words once said and hear lies
Lies we both told, let that be clear
You remind me of things you refuse to speak of
Mistakes made that I cannot forget
But you will not forgive of me; and I
I am a reminder of all you were but are not now
You have grown beyond me as I knew you would
You always seemed like more than me
Now I see someone I do not know
Not because of pronouns or clothes or voice
But because you have aged, matured like wine
And I think that I have too, whether you agree
Maybe we are comets, passing by one another
Affecting the others gravity but ultimately
Destined always to leave and fly on by
I don't want this to end in collision and damage
Maybe we could simply quietly continue
As I suspect we will end up, apart but fine with that
Anything must be better than now, how I am
We argue, perhaps you think just pettily
But to me every contradiction and cross examination
Speaks to how much we disagree
Not that friends have to agree on everything
You did teach me that once, am I learning now
I feel criticised for feeling, thinking, speaking
Things I have to fight for every day
And I dread every second in your company
For what new way you will find to push me down
To be below you, your inferior, your follower
As is my proper place in your eyes, I suspect
Whether this is a conscious effort on your part
Of which I hope not, it is what I experience
When we meet or chat or call together
Why do you think I hand you over to the others
When on the occasions others are around
I must seek out a breather, to recollect my thoughts
And then like a cursed yoyo on a string; return.
Chapter 184: Thoughts on a Clock
Summary:
Italics from the Doctor Who episode 'The Time of the Doctor' (Matt Smith's last episode).
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven’s hour is over now
The clock is striking twelve’s.
And now it’s time for one last bow
As this show is over and done
The day has finally ended
With twilight’s hours to come
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven’s hour is over now
The clock is striking twelve’s.
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Asleep at last, tucked in their beds
Until danger knocks again
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven’s hour is over now
The clock is striking twelve’s.
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven’s hour is over now
The door is shut tight and fast
And now it’s time for one last bow
Like all your other selves
Eleven’s hour is over now
The clock is striking twelve’s.
And now this verse is ending
Though the clock will never stop
It will keep on ticking on
For as long as that heartbeat does.
Notes:
https://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia/2014/03/poetry-doctor/
Interesting article about the use of poetry in Doctor Who.
Chapter 185: Ships in the Night
Chapter Text
I pass by her
In a doorway
Or on the street
Once or twice
Sometimes more
Than that in a week
She nods politely
As she has been told
Murmurs my name
Or pleasantries of sorts
I greet her if I'm in a rush
Or stop to ask how
She has been if not
Her smile is timid
Perhaps she is shy
Until you happen to
Question on a subject
That's close to her heart
Then her eyes will
Light up like a million
Fireflies are shining there
And she will chatter on
Without pausing for breath
Until something interrupts
I try not to make it me
I love to see her smiling
For some reason I think
Of it as quite rare
I am told she does not
Do so for just everyone
Or just anywhere
Once though I found her
After she supposedly had gone
Walked off down the road
Off into the hazy evening sun
But when I wandered later
Just seeking peace
Fresh air and to get out
I saw her seated calmly
Observing the road beneath
The loose grid of metal
That formed the massive bridge
And the racing roaring traffic
Separated from her by mere
Inches and yet by many feet
I called out I think, for then
I had not realised why
Or what her purpose was
It was not dark nor sorrowful
As perhaps most would remark
She was contemplating things
So so many all at once
Some were sad and dangerous
But some were light and good
As I took a seat beside her
She didn't seem to mind
I questioned what she saw
And I was amazed by her reply
She said that the world was turning
That she could feel it in the wind
In how the stars were beginning
To be visible in between
The patches of darkened clouds
And dazzlingly bright street lights
She tilted her head and
Considered them intently
As if their very existence
Puzzled and pleased her
So I asked again what she saw
And this time her answer
Made me weep so that later
When I looked back on that night
And was scared and shocked
So relieved, I just cried and cried.
Chapter 186: Stars.
Chapter Text
I wish I could capture the stars
To hold them in my hands
As if they were fragile fireflies
And that if I were to squeeze
They would turn to dust.
I would be happy enough
Just to freeze them in a photo
But whenever I attempt it
They disappear on screen
As if they only permit our eyes
To see them, as if they are some
Mythical beast only visible
In reflection or some such thing.
They match their twinkling
To the beat of my heart
And the slow steady ticking
Of that nearby clock
A plane overhead does nothing
To distract from their wonderful
Mystique and tiny perfection.
I want to plot them out
And learn all their names
I give them my own sometimes
And talk to them more than
I might a friend, should I find one.
They are not always there
Sometimes they hide from me
Even though I seek them
In the dark hours regardless
Sometimes I fear that if I blink
They will vanish and leave me
With shadows all alone.
But they never do, so I depend
On their presence above my head
As I go to sleep, my head titled
At an uncomfortable angle
To observe them in the quiet
They watch me in return
Unblinking and unwavering
Smiling at me, I imagine.
It is times like these that
Make me understand why
People of old worshipped them
My friends the stars are worthier
Than any person I have met.
So I drift off, into starlit dreams
Peace will not allude me
On clear nights like this
When I can face upwards
And count the shining stars.
Chapter 187: Minds
Chapter Text
Dear My Brain,
Please, please, please
Will you just make up your mind?
You won't let me tell someone
That their offhand words hurt me.
But you insist on playing them
Again and again inside my head
Until my tears overlap with their
As yet undried predecessors
So just make. Up. Your. Mind.
Yours sincerely,
Me
Chapter 188: Imprisoned Here
Chapter Text
It feels like there is a vice around my chest
Crushing my rib cage into my lungs
So my heart flutters like a caged bird
Pressed against its bone bars
And little puffs of breath - like steam from
Some old train as it chugs along -
Are all that escape, every so often.
My nose is stuffy and I'm sure is red.
My eyes will probably match it nicely.
My cheeks are raw and feel salty
If I look upward and flick my eyelashes
The light glimmers through a row of tears
Caught and hanging there like icicles
Frozen and forever it feels like, like winter
I need the summer sun or a good hug
To come and warm my heart in its prison
That is this clumsy awkward mortal body
If you can free it, please do not hesitate
To try, it’s all I ask - though I ask too much as always.
Chapter 189: Forever Fears
Chapter Text
Take a gander through your fears
And you'll discover what it is to be free
When you learn the reality of terror
Suddenly the worst that can be
Is no longer the scariest thing
See there is something eye opening
To realise what it is that actually hurts
And the imagined pain just fades away
To reveal that everything means nothing
So your suffering will both be forever
And at the same time will never end.
Chapter 190: Forgotten.
Summary:
2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks & 3 days clean, and I fight an urge stronger than I have in almost a year. Well, at least I got a poem out of it...
Chapter Text
I had forgotten how it felt
To hold a blade in my hand
How the light glinted from it
As it lay so passively in my palm
Except for a fine line along
The sharp edge of old blood
Crusted and dark with age.
I had forgotten how it felt
To hate yourself so badly
How your brain can reason
So wrongly but so temptingly
That everyone and everything
Would be better off without you
And how easy is it to take the step.
I had forgotten how it felt
As if my skin was on fire
As if my mind was screaming
And nothing I did would
Shut it up, not even if I screamed
The silence is deafening
Because it means that no one is there.
I had forgotten how it felt
That call.
I had forgotten what it meant
It’s been so long.
I had forgotten what to do
Every trick I had learned.
So now I’m stuck screaming
Against the whispers
In my head.
I remember how it felt
So crisp, so sharp
Like how I imagine
Lemons would be
I remember the relief
The release better than
Anything else, which
Is of course why it is
So very dangerous
To give in.
I remember how it felt
In the first shower after
With no sleeves to hide
What I have done
The sting was almost
Better than the first one
As the water rushes down
And washes dried blood
Away from the scene of the crime.
Chapter 191: Count With Me
Chapter Text
Three minutes
That's how long
I must wait
Keep calm
Stay strong
And all the rest
Two minutes
Thirty five now
Until they come
Home again
And I am alone
Until then
Two minutes
Not long
Mere moments
Can I make it
Pass faster
Hurry please
I am scared
One minute
And a bit I think
Distraction
Do not think
Write and wander
Listen to music
And count the beats
One minute
Or just under
I can make it
I can survive
That long, I think
Anyone can
It's easy, easy peasy
For anyone but me
Seconds now
How many though
I'm not quite sure
But I am counting them
I am waiting here
For you to return
Step quickly
Wall fast
I am alone
And unlikely to last
I am still waiting
My heart is a jackhammer
My breath will not slow
And I am alone
Staring at the walls
To avoid looking at
My bare wrists
I counted the moments
Until the end of this.
Chapter 192: It Feels Like... Home Finally.
Chapter Text
I just want to feel something
I touch myself, hug my pillow
Nothing. Even as I gasp.
I open the window and lean out
There is a breeze, too soft and soothing
Not even the drop can scare me
It's as if I am asleep.
I bite my lip until my eyes water
But that's not real pain or real tears
I listen to the saddest songs I know
But they jus take me contemplate
The small box with its even smaller contents
Just across the room.
And the thought of that brings
A mix of dear, anger, self-loathing
Guilt, grief, desperation and desire
Finally. I have something to feel.
Chapter 193: Blanketed.
Chapter Text
There is a thick heavy blanket
Weighing over me, covering me
I feel flutterings of excitement
Like a cage bird inside of my chest
I reach for it with shaking fingers
But they are muted and far away
I struggle to listen for them again
Strain my ear for that brief sound
Which tells me I am feeling anything
But I do not hear so much of a whisper
Because the blanket is on me
Chapter 194: Mask
Chapter Text
A mask makes it too easy
I can cry and it hides my tears
Absorbs then and obscures them
Obliterates their evidence
All but for a damp line across
The bridge of my nose
Combined with the long sleeves
Of autumn and winter
And no one can see me
No one can tell that I hurt
These masks make it too easy
To hide what I want to scream
Out loud to you, to anyone who hears
To help me because right now
I cannot help myself at all
So look for the places at the end
Of my sleeves where they are damp
From wiped away tears
Watch out for dark lashes
And red rimmed eyes
Lift my mask and raise my sleeves
Ask the question 'are you okay'
And actually listen to the answer
Please.
Chapter 195: Pushing On A Pull Door
Chapter Text
You know that moment
When you realise
You've been pushing
On a pull door
And you kinda feel
Stupid and silly
But in some way
Relieved as well
Because yes it
Was a foolish little
Mistake on your part
But nothing is wrong
Not much any way
A lapse in judgment
An err in processing
It's all fine, all small
And that moment
Of minor panic
When your think
The door is locked
Or your just weak
Or you're looking
So ridiculous
Is over so long as
You can laugh about it.
I am waiting for that moment
Of utter realisation, a paradigm shift
When I learn I've simply been
Pushing on a pull door
And I can laugh, maybe awkwardly,
Then try again and the door
Will open and everything will
Be fine, totally okay, problem solved
Little problem, small issue
Almost inconsiquiental, barely noticeable
Hardly makes an impact in my day
But instead I'm realising that
That time will never come and my life
Is forever going to be a door shut
In my face or a wall to bang my head on
No moment of relief and a flood of knowledge
Just more pain, more trial, more struggles
O what a life to look forward to.
Chapter 196: But...
Notes:
Thank you to those who have been commenting lately, you prompted me to sit and try to write some poems about the stuff that I've been going through recently.
Here's the first.
Chapter Text
Things are bad right now
And I don't know why
Just that something has
Changed or probably
Many all at once
But I don't know and
All I can do is try
Keep trying, I mean
One foot in front of the other
And all that jazz
But that doesn't make
This pain any easier
It's temporary nature
No less threatening
To my health and heart
But should I let it
Overwhelm me now
After so long struggling
Am I yet allowed a break
To not fight and just give in
But those two years
Of warfare would they
Be wasted and lost to me
As useless as the bandages
On habit I still carry
But the pain whispers
Beckoning and I still
After so very long
Want to run to it, fast
Run until my heart is breaking
But I am alone though I try
I reach out and find others
Those who try, who are kind
Some almost like me
In some ways or few
But still it is just me
I try to turn to them
But no one can be there
For when my brain rebels
And turns poison inwards
So things are bad right now
And there's not too much
I can do that I'm not already
Just keep going, keep pushing
Work so hard to do the things
All others seem to find so easy
Work, eat, drink, breathe, sleep
I will get there in the end, I think.
Chapter 197: Are You Listening?
Summary:
Warning: Faith.
Chapter Text
Whether it is as they said
We believe in you to help our heads
To reason with this world
You created and handle
How little control we've been granted
Is it that you are a comfort
A soft blanket or port in a storm
Unlike many it seems
I run towards in troubled times
Not away in anger pain or fear
I doubt you as is only natural
When I hate myself and hurt
I wonder why you would love me
Why would you sacrifice for me
I am not worthy, I am so broken
But I feel your arms around me
Still, even at my lowest
I reach for you when the world seems dark
I cradle that flickering candle
And pray against the chaos
Into love and away from fear
Can you hear me lord, I am here
Are you there I ponder if it matters
Maybe all you are is a voice in my head
Called survival instinct, granting
My tortured subconscious a boon
A friend, a balm, a gentle touch
To keep it going, to keep me alive as such
Does it matter if you are really there
Because to me you are and you care
I love you, I praise you, I honour your ways
And when it's necessary I avoid
Your eternal embrace.
Chapter 198: Knocking At My Door
Summary:
Just be nice to everyone, you never know what other people are going through.
Chapter Text
So let me explain
Before you come
Knocking on my door
The entry and barricade
To my private space
To my personal safe zone
Combative and aggressive
In your stance and
Challenge me once again
Demand I would say
To do my washing up
As if I am not aware of
Its current state of existence
In a messy yucky pile
By the shared kitchen sink
Let me tell you how
The reason I have not
Been able, able not unwilling
To wash those collecting pots
Is that for about 48 hours
I could not move from my bed
Going to the toilet a challenge
And managing to eat anything
A task worthy of a gold medal
For its successful completion
So please do not tell me
What I already know
And call it disgusting
Under your breath as you go
As if I am by extension
Because my brain had
Decided to pack up
For a day or so and not comply
And I know I will never tell you
Never explain with words
You can hear or read
Nor do I expect you
To magically and miraculously
Know I am struggling
And am depressed
Because frankly if you
Somehow knew that
I would honestly be
Quite scared more than anything
But still I should hope
That your parents raised you
To respect people you meet
And be kind as a general rule
Because no one ever knows
What others are going through
And whatever your feelings
Even those is disgust which
I assure you I already share
Do not need to be roared at me
When I stumble to halt
Your knocking here after
Nearly three days forced
To do nothing but rest
And stare blankly at a wall
Or ceiling or door
You do not know my reality
I would not presume
To question or challenge yours
So please show a little
Courtesy and next time
Knock but thrice and no more.
Chapter 199: Writing To You
Chapter Text
I wonder what a stranger feels
If they were to catch sight of me
What might they think if maybe
They caught a glimpse of behind the scenes
If they were to spot my scars
I’m sure they would have
Some things to say of them
But if they had seen the cuts
That became them I doubt
They would ever dare speak
If they happened to see my tears
Despite how no one ever does
Would they stop and ask
The most pointless questions
When they have no intention
Of helping or hearing the answer
If they witnessed me panicking
Hyperventilating to the point that
I cannot breathe and my vision
Is blurry and my body tingly
Would they ever do anything
More than just hurry far away
If they read my poetry here
Or online in other places
Stumbled across it due to
The internet’s algorithms
Or their own curious will
If they read these words
Would they think to know me
And would that thought be true
For is it really me I’m sharing
When I write like this to you
Chapter 200: Hands Holding
Chapter Text
You know when you're holding water
Just cupping it in your hands
And unless you're really concentrating
It will just spill over or slip through
And it's not like you can just grip it
Like maybe a little you could do with sand
Perhaps if you clench your fingers
And press them together you might
Successfully minimise what escapes
But it takes such intense focus
Because even the smallest lapse
Can lead to a wave of liquid splashing
Out of reach and unable to get back
And no matter how you focus
No matter how hard you might try
Some water is constantly leaking out
Until in time there will be none left at all
It's as if I'm trying to hold together
A broken pot, sharp ceramic shards
Dig into my hands but I just think
That if I clench and hold tight enough
They will remain attached and whole
But that's just not how this works
I can't use tape or glue or rubber bands
Nothing will hold this crumbling mess
That is my mental health together
Not even my shaking desperate hands
Chapter 201: Protection From Thine Enemies Is Thee
Chapter Text
You could lock me in a padded room
You should
And I reckon I still would not be safe
But endangered
I could still find some way, I’m sure
Instinctual destruction
To cause harm or hurt or damage
To me
I drink from a glass of water I need
I could smash it
I prepare food that I also need
With a knife that is sharp
I wear a lanyard to identify me
But can tighten around my neck
I know where there is alcohol
By the bottle or the gallon
And I can find sleeping pills in packets
What a pair they would make
I wonder if you could even stop me
You can’t
And though I’m sure you would contest
Perhaps maybe
That you would in fact even care
Likely story
But unless you are in the room with me
Every second
Then there is no escape from this fate
Except death
Chapter 202: Twenty
Chapter Text
I just assumed that I would never live to see twenty
Like I just sort of figured it would never happen
I even planned in expectation of that fact, I admit
I wanted it, longed for it, prayed for this to occur
See when I was a younger teen I was struggling
And though that would be putting it quite mildly
I reached a point when I wanted to end my life
But there was lots of people around to stop me
It was of course more complicated than that however
With additions to various forms of self harm in the mix
But the simplest of facts remains still to be
That once I was 'grown up' I would be free
Able to choose to live or die, to cut or heal, purge or eat
Safe from judgement or frustrating interference
In my mind I wouldn't last a month living at uni
Amongst all those freedoms I would become forever freed
Now I'm here and I'm facing that old dream as reality
Dealing with holding myself accountable everyday
Coming to terms with being an 'adult' and wondering
What it means now if I still need or ask for help
Will I get in trouble if I admit handling knives scares me?
Will I be sectioned or taken away if I reveal my suicidal thoughts?
Will my parents be called and will they be disappointed in me?
Will I have failed? What if I fail to do that now?
If I were to relapse after nearly two years clean
Would it really matter when no one is left
To care enough to count the days with me
That I have chosen not to pick up a blade
If I allow my body to starve and waste away
Would anyone even notice, I doubt
Since none of them seem to notice my tears
Or the way I look about when they get near
If were to take that final step I seem to have been
Waiting for so very long, years and years
Who would find my cold dead body and who
Will I torment with my success on their good conscience?
I struggle to get away from those words
Those lies my younger self has told
I am fighting to believe there is a reason
That I may yet reach the year of Twenty One.
Chapter 203: Broken Parts
Chapter Text
Just reach out, just call
I should be able to do this alone
It's okay now, you're not alone
I am an adult, I should have grown out it this
It is your choice, you need to make it
It is my choice but I am too afraid
There are people here to help you
But I don't know what to say
Say I'm scared, say I'm sad or hurting
But am I really, is it just in my head
Mental health is just as important
But my grades and physical health take precedence
You are struggling with just the basics
That's right, I'm a failure that can't even cope
That wasn't the point, you need to do something
I know what to do, I have the choice now to just go
No please don't, I didn't mean that
I know you don't care, stop lying to yourself
Alright say I don't care, what will you do
Right now I don't know, I can barely move
Then just breathe, take each breath as a win
Or a sign of my cowardly fear of failure
No stop that, that isn't true, you are a survivor
Surviving isn't fun or easy, I wish I was like you
Like me, pretending everything is fine then
Pretending people care or even that I do
Until suddenly it isn't fine and I fall apart
Sounds okay with me, you can just call someone
Who do I call when there's no one there
There's always someone there to help you
You're lying to me, no one cares or wants to help
Besides what makes them even think they can
Who could possibly help me, I can't be fixed
Even though I'm broken, there are no parts to be replaced
Even though I'm damaged they won't let me terminate.
Chapter 204: Survival Mode
Chapter Text
I tell you that I am
In Survival Mode
And you look worried
Asking questions that
I cannot, will not answer
I tell you that I am
In Survival Mode
And that means that
I think of each breath
As potentially my last
I tell you that I am
In Survival Mode
And though it may
Sound dramatic perhaps
I have to say it is true
I tell you that I am
In Survival Mode
But you brush me off
Laugh even as I reach out
As if my words are not enough
So I tell you that I am
In Survival Mode
By showing you the scars
And the stained blade
Ready to make new ones
Chapter 205: An incident
Chapter Text
Someone once told me that I'm
The type of person who will excuse
Anything that happens, anything done
Both the actions and words of myself
As well as others towards me
If I was upset or rattled or stressed
Then it was because I was tired
Or hadn't eaten or was just depressed
I do not want to see the reason
Might be something I had no impact on
Because then it's impossible to change it
And avoid that situation from now on
If I'm crying at a time that I should be smiling
Is it because of me or because of before this?
Is it worse to excuse the accidental damage
That hurts no less than that of intent
Just because words were not meant to be painful
Or offend or trigger does not negate the fact
That they did and that now I am here
Crying when I should not be.
Chapter 206: Stop Still
Chapter Text
I'm so scared
To stop for even
A second or more
Because if I do
Then I will have
To think about
What I am doing
To consider what
I have been feeling
The battle I am
Fighting and wonder
If I am winning or losing
Which is dangerous
Because then it is
So easy to start
To question whether
Anything I have
Is actually worth
The struggle tonight
Chapter 207: Past Midnight
Chapter Text
The stars are out
Some bright, some dim
Some alone, some with many friends
Not all of which I’d guess
There are some clouds
Bands or scattered
Like tufts of wool
Tumbling across the sky
It’s not dark, not really
A vague blue shines
And fades to black
I can hear the road
From quite far away
The nearby street light is bright
Flies swarm it but not so many
As I would think
I hear a bat overhead
More high-pitched than imaginable
The leaves of the trees
Are full of summer
Silhoutetted against the backdrop
Of white, grey, cloud and bright stars
And dark sky
They watch me, the trees, the clouds
The flies
Most of all the stars
There’s a bright one
Almost right above me
It stares down at me
Everything is still
Barely a hint of a breeze
Just occasionally whispers
Shifts the pine needles
The clouds don’t move
They just hang there
Except they must be moving
Because they change
I keep my feet planted
And I feel the slightly damp
Wood of the deck beneath my feet
I hope I don’t get a splinter
If it weren’t for the road
And the faint noise of some neighbour
Still awake
This would be more peaceful than it is
I thought the world
Was holding its breath
Waiting, waiting like I am
But its not
It is moving
Even now in the middle of the night
There is life and breath beyond my own
I thought the stars were watching
To see what I would do
Hesitating, until events unfold
But they are not
They are dancing
Dancing like the bat that flies
Between them and me
Dancing like the breeze
That tickles the leaves and branches
And carries flies to the light that might kill them
The shadows are deep but not harsh
They are soft, framed by electric light
And the dim horizon, and the stars
Between the two
A plane will pass over soon I’m sure
But I can’t predict all
Those clouds are almost passed over
Hidden almost behind the house
Just the nearest edge, fluffy
Somehow full of concealed depths
Peeks over to wave goodbye
As it goes it reveals more
More of those beautiful watchful stars
They twinkles at me between the leaves
Shine from past branches
I hear occasional rustle and panic
But there’s nothing here but bats
Oh.
A shooting star I see!
A bright flash, gone
In the corner of my eye
My gaze flicks towards it
To see it
Make a wish
Wish for what?
I thought I needed hope tonight
I thought I needed to learn
Learn where I go next
Which step to take
Path to follow
Though the dull roar of the road remains
Whisps of clouds transform overhead
But I saw a shooting star!
I cannot ever remember having done so before
It was beautiful and magical
And… brief.
What is human life, existence but
A shooting star?
Quick then all over
But make it burn
Burn, burn like a shooting star
And make it worthwhile
Live every moment
Even the quiet ones
Even the peaceful ones
Where you stand and stare at the stars
And they stare back
Oh.
Two more, right above my head
They are brief
Like a moment
Like a momentary glimpse of something
If I’d have blinked then I would have missed it
Two in parallel, hurtling towards
Or away, or maybe we are
More stars are revealed
They make patterns
So bright
One is moving
Fast, too small and quiet
For a plane, I would think a drone
Perhaps a satellite
I track it overhead
Almost lose it in the dark leaves
They rustle slightly
I think I have lost it
But it must still be there
I shall wait for it to appear
Out the other side
Past the branches
Oh, they are beautiful
Its like they are dancing for me
I trace them with my eye
And they make picture
Faces smiling
Or animal roaring
I hear the bats again
But I do not see them
I want to go and look and see
What the things I have seen were
What meteor we collided with
What satellite traced its path above my head
Or is my imagination more powerful
Than I was aware
Time passes and I hear noises
I adjust my stance and look around me
But I can’t see for the shadows
Fear curls into my heart
And I want to flee
Go back inside the house
To the quiet I know I can assure myself
But I do not want to leave them
My friends the stars
I saw the bat then
He flew across in front of the street light
Between me, and it
Like an eclipse
But not, because he was only small
I’m glad I have seen it
I’m glad I can hear them
I thought for once,
I thought once I could not
The hour is late
I should sleep
As I move and step
A new star
Bright and twinkling fiercely
Peeks above the house
More clouds are coming
Faints and tender now
But I’m sure they will grow
There will storms
And there are always storms ahead but…
I saw a bat again
I doubt there is but one
I wonder what party they are having
As I am having a party of one
The clouds begin to cover up the stars
Not that bright one
Just above me
But the fainter ones are disappearing
From my sight
If there were more shooting stars
I am sure I do not think I could see them
Branches crack
And I suspect birds or even squirrels move
I grow cold
And the clouds are coming
They obscure the sky and the stars that dance
They seem to merge with the trees, so tall
Until the night and the shadows are one
Just those pinpricks of stars gleam through
Like beacons, to ships lost in mist
Hope. Promise. Faith and trust.
Goodbye, to the stars
For now, I leave
But please come back
Tomorrow night
And I hope I will too
Please watch over me
When the moon cannot do so
Watch, watch unchanged and peaceful
As I live my life
My brief flash of existence
My shooting star
Of breath
Watch it, admire it for that brief moment
It exists for you
Then smile
And carry on
Chapter 208: Trouble with a capital T
Chapter Text
I am in trouble again
Because I opened
My big mouth
Or simply in some
Discernable way
Seemed to be not okay
I mean how do I
Work with that
And how do I hide
My very personality
Or visible outside
So now I am in trouble
Trouble with a capital T
From the moment
For some reason I chose
To roll up and reveal
What has been hiding
Right there under my sleeves
They all seem to know
There's an issue despite
My own inability to
Explain what's wrong
All I've got is some bruising
And the occasional panicked
Session of breathing fast
From this do you determine
If I am made to last?
Chapter 209: Like This
Chapter Text
It's never been like this
At least not as far as
I can remember really
Maybe it was back then
Maybe I've just forgotten
But if so I don't know
How I managed to live
Chapter 210: Silenced
Chapter Text
I don't stay silent
To insult you
Or be rude when
You asked a question
It is simply that
I barely heard
Your voice through
The fog and
Ringing in my ears
Chapter 211: Truth And My Brain
Chapter Text
It would be so easy
My brains whispers again
No one would even notice
It tells me now
No one would even care
They are all just pretendin g
It pretends to me again
They would not miss you
And I try and turn away
You should do it and find out then
It's the only way to know
You're lying I should tell it
But you know the truth
It isn't what my brain says
The truth is: neither do you care
Chapter 212: I am afraid for my life.
Chapter Text
You know it’s a strange thing to say
‘I am afraid for my life’ when you mean
‘I am afraid for my life in my hands’
Because not only does it have the
Strange, horrible ability to also
Make any listener similarly afraid
But it involves a strange duality
Of feeling because it suggests both
‘I am afraid of losing something precious’
As survival instinct rears its head, and
‘I want to take me life’ which is
The complete contrary to wanting to live.
Chapter 213: Switched
Chapter Text
You know it's interesting
A week ago when I was
Feeling less than okay
But relatively happy
My view of my friends
Was one of inclusion
Positivity and welcome
Now something has
Decided to flip that switch
In my brain, all I can
Think is they hate me
Obviously. They put
Up with me and tolerate
They don't actually like
Me and I am a nuisance
But these thoughts
Though peripheral
I'll admit a week or two ago
Did not have nearly
As much strength and
Ferocity I find they do now.
Chapter 214: New Day, Old Me
Chapter Text
So it's a new day
And I'm okay again
Or as okay as I can be
But I find myself
As I lie here unwilling
To get up and start things
That I am waiting
For this to go wrong
I am waiting for that
Familiar big black dog
To come running and
Pounce on my chest
Or for that dark cloud
Of fog and miserable
Confusion to descend
And I wonder who I am
Without that part of me
Chapter 215: Yesterday & Today
Chapter Text
How can I be like that
How can it make sense
That one morning I am
Desperate to leave
To get out of this locked box
I currently call home
And yet today all I want
Is to never leave again
And just the idea of
Stepping foot outside
That door fills me with fear
But I can't understand it
And part of me wishes
My brain would make
Up it's fucking mind.
Chapter 216: Late
Chapter Text
I'm lazy
I think when I finally
Crawl out of bed
I'm stupid
I whisper as I rush
To the bus
There's traffic
I justify as we sit
And don't move
I had a late night
I murmur as I stumble
Into class
That's not true
I realise as I sit here
And don't listen
My anxiety didn't want
Me to leave the house
Let alone my bed
My depression makes
Me sluggish and tired
Even when I've slept
I can't control the traffic
By some miracle, that's
Not how it works
I had a late night trying
To stay alive last night
And somehow I made it
Are they good reasons
Do you think
For being late?
Chapter 217: "I'm Fine"
Chapter Text
So yes I’ll admit I’m better today
Compared to the hell that was yesterday
But does that mean I’m safe and well
Happy and healthy, or sane even
No. why would it, why do you assume?
Is it because part of you just wants
To hear that everything’s okay so
You can stop caring and worrying now?
Because I might be ‘fine’ now
But that’s doesn’t mean I’m better
I’m just back to walking the cliff edge
Instead of preparing to jump from it.
Chapter 218: What would you do if I cut myself?
Chapter Text
Because I am seriously considering it
And not with the part of my brain
That has been begging for me to relapse
For weeks now but with that part
Of me which exudes cool hard logic
Whether that logic is valid I don’t know
The problem here is how I view things
Right now I am living in the present
Surviving minute to minute and that’s all
I know if I cut, if I undo over 2 years of work
It will help me survive this and survival
I tell myself is what I’m thinking of
Not how good it will feel or how right
It would be to see the blood again
I try to convince myself there’s
A strange twisted logical argument
To bleed in order to keep living
But I didn’t make the rules on how
My brain chooses to work and
How can I defy those rules now
I’ve tried or am trying every other
Option I know or has been suggested
I have people around me I know
People who want to support me
People who say that they care
I don’t know, nor dare to consider
What they might think of this
Decision I am grappling with
Will they honour my adulthood
My right to make that choice
Or will this simply land me
In more trouble than it’s worth
See unlike last time my confidence
In hiding such habits is flawed
Because part of me now knows
How comforting having someone
To go to and let soothe the wounds
Can be and how healing, maybe
That is all I’m seeking but I don’t know
I just want to feel welcome
Either loved or at least accepted
I tell myself this to try and talk
Myself out of relapsing when
I seem to have worked so hard
But it has been so easy, plain sailing
Until now, yes I was tested but
Not really pushed to the ground
I don’t know any other way
I’ve tried everything else
So is in fact today the day
I seek out an unconventional route
Will you forgive me, past me who
Tried so hard to move on
And future me will you forgive
The actions I am taking now.
Chapter 219: Fighting Alone
Chapter Text
I don't know why
It continues to
Surprise me when
I reach out with
Both hands and
Am left grasping air
Though I am trying
To fight for my life
And they say
Whenever I can
Actually get them
To say anything
That they're here
For me and all
But words mean
Nothing if you
Don't back them up
I don't know why
I don't seem to learn
And end up back
On the ground
Again reaching
Up, screaming out
With only silent
Emptiness all around.
Chapter 220: Winner Takes it All
Chapter Text
You know, I have spent all day
Fighting for a tool to feel something
I’ve played about with scissors
Boiling water and even knives
But none of them did the trick
I knew there was the perfect blade
In the sharpener I bought
A year ago now with this exact
Situation in mind because
It is not one I thought I
Would be able to get into
I tried everything, all tricks
I have learnt before like
Hit it and stab it and freeze it
To no avail until I took
A walk and the answer hit me
To stamp on it on the floor
Like I did six years ago
To win my first ever cut
So I tried it and success
With a little further expert
Fiddling and effort
I have two tiny blades
So sharp and clean lying
In my hand again, how
I have missed that feeling
But I haven’t used them
Haven’t even really felt
That need or drive to
The moment I had them
The instant I knew that
I could use them though
I felt so at peace, calm
Almost euphoric in the
Second that the first one
Finally fell free to me
But now I am so relaxed
They sit there in a little
Pot, sealed up but
Definitely accessible
If this is all it takes then
Maybe I have a chance
To make it through
If I wanted to I could
Take them out, pick one
Up between thumb and
Forefinger and hold it
To the light, I would
Probably smile before
I took it to my flesh
But I won’t, not tonight
At least because I don’t
Really need to. I won.
Chapter 221: 884
Chapter Text
884 days
But give me
A good enough
Reason why
Not to and
I will listen
I promise
Just don’t
Try to use
Any of those
Silly little phrases
Those inconsequential
Sayings and excuses
That I’ve already
Told myself one
Hundred times
Don’t matter or
Mean anything now.
Chapter 222: Not Going Back
Chapter Text
I don't want to return to that time
I don't want back in on that life
Where I am watching my sleeves
And spend every shower braced
Against that particular sting
Do I really want to feel dried blood
Stuck to my skin again or be
Carrying tissues and a thin
Sliver of metal at all times.
Chapter 223: Listen to the Whispers
Chapter Text
I wasn't to realise how much
I was living with it... Still.
I was aware of the times
I was stood on the edge
I wasn't so knowledgeable
About that part of me
That simply doesn't think
That life is worth it
No matter how happy I am
Or that part of me
That every night still
Whispers how it
Doesn't want to wake
Tomorrow
No matter I have to look
Forward to the next day
And I don't know what
Scares me more
That I didn't know
There was something
To be listening to
Or that I think I've
Been listening too…
Chapter 224: Flashback 5 Years
Chapter Text
I keep having flashbacks
Remembering memories
I had forgotten or pushed away
Now resurfacing with
Strange twisted instincts
That make me use all these
Old habits and tricks
I didn't know I knew of
To have a shower so hot
It scalds me, or one so
Cold I do nothing but shiver
To not eat for a day
Simply to feel that empty
Hole in my stomach
Instead of my chest
And feel better perhaps
Chapter 225: Await
Chapter Text
For all the time you see me smiling
Some part deep inside is always
Braced for the next storm on the horizon
Because I know it will always come
No matter how fast I try to run.
Chapter 226: Whitewashed
Summary:
The first of 3 poems I wrote at 1am while I was frantically trying to sleep and my brain was having none of it...
Chapter Text
It's interesting
But that yearning
For a blade's
Sharp sting is
Almost replacing
The rest of my
Complex mess
Of feelings
The loneliness
And heartache
The stress and
Anxiety and
Depression
Disguised as if
Whitewashed
Over with blood
A known problem
Comfortable
Safe ground
Old habits as
They say are
The easiest
To fall back into
Chapter 227: 'Fall' To Sleep
Chapter Text
I am tired
Sometimes
Bone-weary
But I cannot
Seem to sleep
Until the clock
Strikes 4am
And my eyelids
Begin to droop
Because I
Can't get my
Mind to quiet
It refuses to
Silence even
When I beg
It to do so
In a way that
Is so alike with
My teenage
Years and
Nothing I have
Had to deal
Within years
You know the
Phrase ‘fall
Back to sleep’
Is interesting
To me due to
How it assumes
Not one but
Two basic facts
Firstly that you
Were once sleeping
And second that
Returning to that
State of rest is
Natural and that
One is helpless
To it but I wonder
If the same is also
True when you
Do not sleep because
In my experience
I think I know which
Feels more like falling…
Chapter 228: Preparedness
Chapter Text
I bought a multipack
Of antiseptic wipes
In preparation for
An act I am yet to do
But suspect I will
Someday soon and
It is better to be ready
As I know from
My own experience
I remember when I
Didn't use them
And the way the
Blood stuck to me
And turned to dust
With a tangy edge
But I was convinced
Coerced, commanded
To use these soothing
Wipes to cleanse
Even though their
Sweet sting is almost
Worse - or better -
Than the blade's bite.
Chapter 229: Traffic On A Road At Night
Chapter Text
I should be more frightened
Of a car bearing down on me
But the roaring engine and
Bright blinding headlights
Are all that I seem to fear
Chapter 230: "Do you like yourself?"
Chapter Text
You know, I have to wonder
Why of all those things
That I said and she said
Does that one stick with me?
Is it because I answered
With no hesitation or musing
Because I had already wrestled
With it and considered it all?
Can I ask you a question
And you answer it honestly:
Do you like yourself? See,
It's not so uncommon an answer.
What's so strange, or perhaps
You would think, what's shocking?
I know plenty of people
Who don't - in this generation...
It cannot be the basis
For all my undoing,
Something I have lived with
And dealt with since years ago!
Chapter 231: Happily Surviving?
Chapter Text
I bet right now
I almost look happy
So much so that
I'm fooling myself
But not quite
There's that little
Fluttering in my
Chest and the
Frantic but muted
Screaming that
Never ceases
In the back of
My exhausted mind
That tell me if
Somehow for
A short moment
I forget myself
Then it doesn't
Take much to
Realise, remember
Who am I and
My situation so
Even though maybe
Right now, even
If I'm laughing or
Smiling that doesn't
Mean I'm happy
Or sane, or okay
But I suppose it
Also doesn't mean
I am sad or numb
And I think the
Only thing that
Looking and, or
Sounding like this
Could possibly show
With any accuracy
Is that I am in fact
Still alive. But that's it.
Chapter 232: Inner Child
Chapter Text
There is a theory
(And it isn't mine)
It goes like this:
All intense extremes
Of emotion you
May feel can be
Traced like lineage
Back to childhood
Since logically this
Is where we first
Experienced feeling
This way or perhaps
Learned our habits
For coping with or
Managing things
For me I can recall
No emotion but
On occasion raw
Fear as a child
Until puberty I
Maintain I did not
'Feel' anything
So when I observe
My emotions at
Their height and
Scan for a source
Or examine their
Origin, I simply
See myself as a
Small child - as
Theorised would be -
But not as the
First instance of
This emotional
Response or habit
But instead because
Feeling anything
So intensely makes
Me feel vulnerable
Because I don't
Seem to be in control
I see myself in my
Mind's eye, curled
Up in a ball, so small
Weak and afraid
Like I have been
So many times
(More than I care
To count, really)
Does this prove
Or maybe disprove
The theory that
Our inner child
Which we attack
And beat on as
Our self-image
Crumbles away
Is the source
Like a fresh spring
For all emotion
Gushing forth
Anger, fear, pain
As well as the
Obviously preferred
Joy and lightness
Normally perceived
Of our inner innocent.
Chapter 233: Downhill Road
Chapter Text
I'm chugging along quite happily
As smooth sailing as I ever get
When suddenly without warning
Something changes and it ends
There's something almost imperceptible
Silent and unobstrusive but there
My fingers are moving faster
And my breathing has increased
My mind has begun to slide
Down a slippery darkening slope
I feel myself losing control
As the brakes seem to be broken
I don't know what will happen
This time, based on past experience
This could go on for minutes
Or hours, or days, or a week
All I know is unless I can calm
Unless I can somehow regain control
This situation is going to get worse
From here on out is a downhill road.
Chapter 234: Sisyphus
Chapter Text
Have you ever heard the story of Sisyphus?
In Greek myth he was punished for cheating death
Twice – condemned to push a massive boulder
Up a hill only for it to roll back down again
Just as he was able to reach the top… For eternity.
Sometimes I feel like Sisyphus just inverted
As soon as I climb out of a deep dark pit
I seem to fall straight back in again.
As if somewhere along the way I was condemned
To live like this forever, to never escape it
Even when I thought I had, there was only
A short respite before I’m back again
Unlike Sisyphus I don’t have a magical compulsion
Driving me to continue to push a boulder
I must find the strength even when it hurts
To get up, again and again. So please forgive me
When I struggle to do it one more time.
Chapter 235: The Rules
Chapter Text
Rule number one is
Not because I'm tired
Rule number two is
Nor because I'm bored
Rules three and four are
Not for loneliness or frustration
Which leaves rule five as
Ask for help, please.
Chapter 236: Oncoming Storm
Chapter Text
The clouds have blocked out the sun
Thick black roiling storm clouds
That gathered first on the horizon
On my peripheries then marched
Across the sky until everything was dark
That was my first warning.
I can hear the rain pounding on the window
And sloshing under cars wheels as they drive
Beating the ground into submission
As it would me if I choose to go outside
It is cutting me off from the help I need
This is my second warning.
The wind is picking up now, a howling gale
Is pushing at my door and reaching for me
Even here it twirls my hair and strokes my face
Grasping though I fight to stay out of reach
But I cannot stay in here forever, I need help
My final warning.
I am braced against the coming storm
And soon it will be upon me, though
I have made all the preparation and
My list has all been ticked off now
It is only a matter of waiting, praying
To see if I have the strength to survive
To stand here and fight once more
Because if I do not make it…
There will be no more warnings.
Chapter 237: Hold On
Chapter Text
I am holding on tight
Please believe me
Gripping with both hands
Straining until I am weak
I am still fighting, even
When I don't know how
It might look like I'm fine
Maybe your think that
Because somehow
I'm still here, I'll be okay
Because I've survived
Until now and I'm still
Fighting, I can continue
To fight alone without you
But that's not true
Even if it's hard to say:
I need you help
Though sometimes it may
Seem like I don't want it
If you want, even a little
For me to be here tomorrow
Then I'm gonna need you
To take my hand and say:
You're with me and that
I've got this. It's going to be okay.
I'll believe you and
I will hold on then...
Chapter 238: The War
Chapter Text
I feel like I'm at war with myself
Not the depression or the anxiety
But with the two sides within me
The part that wants to fight on
To get up, grow strong, and win
And the part that seeks to wallow
The part that longs to just give in
That wants me to relapse is battling
Back and forth with all within
That is so scared to, that doesn't want to
And sometimes one side is stronger
And I never know to feel afraid
Or jubilant each time because
Every time the battle rages on
I both win and lose on each occasion
But then a second fight occurs
As to which part I listen to
To be joyous in victory, as I'm still alive
Or depressed and frustrated by failure
For as long as the blade is not in my hand.
Chapter 239: My Best Is Not Good Enough
Chapter Text
My brain cannot understand it
It simply cannot process when
Your words proclaim one thing
But your deeds show another
You say that you trust me and
That you think I am in control
You tell me that I can do this
But you show me this is wrong
I want to call you liars but
I know you just want to help
Even when your help is hurting
Or hinders my chances of survival.
You tell me its your job to help
As if that doesn’t mean there’s rules
And that you want to be here, truly
Like you might actually care about me?
But words and words and empty phrases
Can’t erase the truth I see in what you do
And this is what I hear when you try to explain:
“You’re best is not good enough, try again.”
Chapter 240: 900 Days
Chapter Text
900 days
When it used to be 90
900 days
When I used to fight for 9
900 days
When I was surviving each 9 minutes
900 days
Can I make it just 9 more?
900 days
Will I reach:
900 days
Chapter 241: Genie
Chapter Text
It's so hard to
Put the genie
Back in the bottle
There are words
That have been
Said now that
Can never be unsaid
Things done
Thoughts and
Feelings admitted
I can't tell you
They weren't
Or that they
Were untrue
Because both
Side knew that
They heard the truth.
Chapter 242: Sometimes My Bed
Chapter Text
Sometimes my bed
Feels like a safe harbour
Comfortable and soothing
A peaceful place
Sometimes my bed
Feels like a prison to me
Dragging me down
And pinning me here
Sometimes I never want
To leave this safe nest
Of blankets and pillow
Soft and warm
Sometimes every muscle
Is straining to move
But my brain has vetoed
And I'm never sure why
A bed is quite essential
Sleep and rest are important
But there is a line in the sand
Which I tiptoe every time
A bed can be safe or it
Can be a jail-cell but
What matters I guess
Is it you're happy in the end?
Chapter 243: Musings
Chapter Text
I sit and I stare
At the blade
In my hand
And I wonder
If I really
Want to use it
Chapter 244: Decide;
Chapter Text
My heart is heavy
That's the only way
I can describe it
As I weigh up
Pros and cons for
The decision of my life;
Chapter 245: Power of Tomorrow
Chapter Text
I know I will make it
Mostly because I can't
Afford to believe the
Alternative. So I will
Be okay one day; and
That doesn't mean
Today is good, but
It doesn't have to...
So long as tomorrow
Will keep arriving,
And until it does
I can never know if
It will be better or
Worse or more of
The same again.
Chapter 246: Hey, Brain?
Chapter Text
Hey, brain?
Can you listen up for a moment?
I know you think that maybe
You're just trying to help.
But the thing is, you're not really.
I get that your logic says
That shutting down all emotions
Will help us survive this
Because we both agree that
Those pesky emotions are
The cause of most of the
Problems around here.
But that doesn't mean
We can stop listening to them.
They are a part of this and us,
We can't ignore that or pretend otherwise.
Logically, that's just not practical.
And you do know that.
And you know, as I do, that
We can't keep this up for long
That locked box you've put them in
Will break down and this fog will clear
And then we've got to deal with
Them all anyway, and chances are
That after this, it will be worse...
I know you think you can do this
I know you think it's what's right
But I am putting up a fight, I'm not
Gonna let you just shut them up
I need them like I need you so
Maybe the answer is if we could
All just work together, to survive
To keep going, to put one foot
In front of the other right now.
Forgive but don't forget. Are you
Still listening to me? Good.
Chapter 247: Distant Screams
Chapter Text
When I focus
On my emotions
At a time like this
When I prompt them
And poke them
Pondering all that
Might be amiss
Like that essay
I was supposed
To work on today
Or that meeting
In a few hours time
And definitely
Should be feeling
Something about
Those things
Even when I picture
In my head the faces
Of those I love
Nothing sparks
Any interest, not even
A flicker of feeling
In my chest...
The best description
I can give you
Is that I hear them
As if all my emotions
Were bundled away
Locked in a room
Far down a long hallway
And faintly, as if carried
On some indiscernible
Breeze, I can just about
Hear their desperate screams.
Chapter 248: Honesty
Chapter Text
I want so much to be honest
To speak my truth and admit
The things I’m feeling now
Or open up about thoughts
I’m battling when I am
But every time I try to start
When I open my mouth
To whisper secrets I remember
How you reacted last time
I made that horrid mistake
Your fear and concern
Overwhelms whatever words
I actually ever say to you
You hear what you want to
And do and say what you think
You need to, to keep me safe
But every time you do
I just wonder if next time
It’ll be worth the price
To tell the truth and be honest
With you, when the alternative
Is hiding – which I know
From experience is toxic
And can be lethal but if
My other options are more
Daunting, in fear I will turn
To that which harms me
Because in my mind, if I’m
Being honest, that’s the only
Thing I can truthfully do...
Chapter 249: Do you want to live or die?
Chapter Text
If you were to ask me
"Do you want to die?"
I would have to tell you 'Yes'
But if the question was
"Will you try to die?"
Then my response instead
Would be that no, I do not think so
And you'd give me that
Confused puppy dog look
And I would try to explain...
See I want to die like I want
To visit the Empire State building
Or the Effiel Tower in France
It is an idle fantasy that
My brain returns to now and then.
Sometimes I may take
A few steps towards it
But in the end, I will never
Get there - mostly because
As the prospect arises, I get scared
And run away. 'Survival instinct'
You may call it, but be that
As it may - it won't happen...
I want to die, or rather I don't
Want to live; but its a 'want'
Not a 'need'. I would quite
Like to not be alive anymore
But would I do anything
About it, to end it? No.
If you told me I was going
To die tomorrow, I would probably
Be glad and sad and scared;
But if you told me that tomorrow
I would stand at the top of the
Empire State building or the
Effiel Tower, my reaction
Would most likely be the same.
So if you ask me "Do you want
To take your life?" Then 'No'.
But if you say "Do you want to live?"
Then my answer is also 'No, I don't."
Chapter 250: Darkness of the Night
Chapter Text
I know I'm in the dark right now
I understand that come morning
I won't forgive myself the choices
I made in the darkness of the night
Chapter 251: Fleeting
Chapter Text
I'm not saying
I haven't thought
About it today
But just that
With care and
Love and healing
Those dark
Thoughts become
More fleeting
Chapter 252: Do Something
Chapter Text
So you had a big meeting
Half a dozen of you who
Are instructed to care
And you just want to
Make it clear that you
Were meeting to get
Support in place but
To be patient as well...
Well okay, I will. I'll sit
Here on the sidelines
Mute and deaf and dumb
And wait like a damsel
For my saviours to stop
Talking and fucking do
Something.
Chapter 253: The Winner?
Chapter Text
I picked a fight
With a wall and
The wall won but
Now my knuckles
Are sore and red
Smarting so bad
I can hardly think
Though my fingers
All still work, I know
I'll be feeling this
Tomorrow but for
Now, for tonight
They'll be no more
Thinking or feeling
For as long as
The ice is melting.
Mission accomplished.
Now tell me, who
Really won - was it
The wall after all?
Chapter 254: Fix
Chapter Text
I ask you for a reason for
Why I always feel like this,
But all you tell me is:
"That's just your brain,
And there's nothing to be fixed."
Chapter 255: Waiting
Chapter Text
I am waiting
Sat idly as if
That will make
Something happen
Like anything
Might change
If I just sit here
A little bit longer
And wait...
Chapter 256: Joyous
Chapter Text
I am incapable
Of generating
Happiness alone
On occasion
If well-prepared
I can manage it
But most often
This is not the case
So when I'm down
When I'm so low
I'm practically
On the ground
I need to have
Happiness - not
Fear, worry or
Concern, I have
Enough already
- Around me
And that way
By feeding off
Others' joy and
Laughter I can
Start to feel again
I reflect their
Jubilation so that
Eventually my brain
Decides it's not
Pretending or
Imitating it anymore.
Chapter 257: To Be Free From You
Chapter Text
Why did I think that you
Would, could, might help?
How stupid and hopeful
Do I have to be to believe your lies?
You have your rules and must abide
Between those lines you cannot see beyond.
I'm just somebody else's problem
Just as soon as you can hand me off.
You want to fix what cannot be fixed,
You want to prevent what cannot be prevented.
To slow the tides or stop the wind
Might be more possible than that.
You cut off my exits like a sadistic maze-maker
You manipulate my actions like a cruel puppeteer
Until I have no alternatives - or choices
Because you have left me none to make
Only one option left is the one that you hate
That you are supposedly seeking to prevent
But guess what? You have failed and
All you pathetic attempts at effort are in vain.
If it will get me away from all your threats
And mild manoeuvrings in the name of safety
Then I will take that step and be free of you all.
Chapter 258: To the Hydra whispering in my ears
Chapter Text
Hey you!
Yeah you!
You ten-headed beast
Who keeps telling me
What to do and what to think
When to eat and when to sleep
Would you please get
Your fucking act together
Have a damn meeting if it will help
All your different heads - who
Right now are giving me
Different, sometimes completely
Contradictory advice - to say
The same stuff then that
Would be greatly appreciated.
Chapter 259: Fight
Chapter Text
There's a voice
Crying out inside me
Sometimes it's
Soft, sometimes loud
It whispers or shouts:
Fight, fight, fight
But when I cannot
Hear it or need to
Strain to listen then
It really helps me
To hear it through
Another's lips.
Chapter 260: Bleed
Chapter Text
You know I think
It would be easier
Simpler maybe if
I did cut my wrists
And then there
Would be something
For you to bandage
Clear wounds that
You could see and
That would be so
Different from these
Thoughts and feelings
That mean I can hardly
Breathe but I assure
You: I can still bleed.
Chapter 261: Tonight I Cry Myself To Sleep
Chapter Text
I know there must be restrictions
For all those involved, to stay safe
But don't give me vague approximations
I need hard facts, give me strict rules
And I will abide by them, set parameters
And I will do my very best to live within them
But by all means, do not remove the support
I have fought alone by trial and error to get
It is not as simple as offering a replacement
I need time to adjust, to adapt to the new
Like a body must to a transplanted organ
Without which it will die but it may still reject
Please don't rip the rug out from under
My feet and just hope that I don't trip.
Chapter 262: Cry
Chapter Text
My pillow is damp
The sky is blank
My thoughts are loud
Who can I thank?
Chapter 263: To Kick A Man When He's Down
Chapter Text
I have one comment, I just wanna say
What was going through your mind?
To deliver that kind of horrible news
So stone-faced to me, right then...
I choose to rewrite the old phrase
'To kick a man when he's down'
Into 'Why kick a depressed, suicidal student
When they're already on the ground?'
Maybe you should ponder those words
As I add my own opinion of:
"You shouldn't! Maybe, you think?!"
Chapter 264: I Don't Need You
Chapter Text
So I'm on my own then. Fine. So be it.
I mean, I would have preferred to
Have know that from the start
Because hope destroyed is way
Worse than never having hope at all.
But fine. If that's how it is, so be it.
I will survive out of spite if necessary.
I can do this - I must think this
Because if I can't, then I'm dead.
I know the stakes more intimately
Than you ever could without perhaps
Taking a tour inside my diseased head.
It is my life and my death on the line, after all.
But that's okay, I don't need your help.
I will do this alone, I will be strong.
I have done it before, surely that means
This time will be no different - a struggle
Torture, damnation, hell, suffering;
But ultimately defeatable and survivable.
Right? I will prevail, I just need strength
(Which I am lacking) and hope (which
Is dead) and faith (which is severely
Diminished in me, right now) - these things
I used to get from you, borrowed, on loan.
But I guess I must find other sources
If I mean to make it through. Because
Please listen when I sincerely say that:
I. Don't. Need. You. And: I. Will. Survive.
Alone.
Chapter 265: Who, when, where, how... Why?
Summary:
t/w suicide
Chapter Text
I am a friend, I think. I don’t often act like one.
I am a sister and a daughter and a granddaughter.
Though I haven’t seen them in so long.
I am a student, a mentee, a statistic waiting to be.
I would do it at the weekend
When no one is around and
Everyone else is out trying
To have a good time and is too
Sloshed to notice anything amiss.
I should like for it to be autumn
So I could lie down and sleep among
The dead fallen leaves and they could
Keep me company as I become them
But I suspect deep winter is more practical
The cold makes everything easier and
There’s even less likely to be people
Who might notice or get involved.
I will take a blade and drive it deep
I know from past experience how much
Effort it will take. I wonder about Paracetamol
The only harmful drug I have available
Would that make any difference, I don’t know.
But with that and the cold, it’ll all probably help.
If I were to let it kick in, maybe it would
Ease the passing, soften the pain of ripping
Open my veins to let my life blood drain out.
But why. Why do I plan all of this?
Why do I consider it so fondly?
Even as a last resort, it is on my page
My diary dates marked as potential days
Or nights. I am aware of the option
In a way I don’t think anyone else much
Dare to consider, or to linger on as I do.
In short, because I can – because I might.
It is better to have a solid plan, this
Is not something to improvise and make up
On the spot, so to speak. So I’ll plan.
I’ll plan for a day that I hope will never come.
But if it does, if I get there, then you had
Better believe I'll know:
Who, when, where, how
And why.
Chapter 266: 5 Words
Chapter Text
If you want to help
Then help me
If you don't want
To get involved
Then fine by me
I will not include you
Unless you specifically
State because that
Is how it was told to me
But in that case
I need you to back off
I can't do this
With a useless
Hanger-on by
My shoulder all day
Make your choice
If you like, then
Take a stand but
If all you're going to do
Is proliferate words
And wave your hands
Then I have five words for you:
"Get. Out. Of. My. Way."
Chapter 267: Grieving
Chapter Text
I refused to believe it
I reasoned and applied logic
To try and find the explanation
And work out the next steps
I got so angry that
I punched a wall
And screamed into
My pillow at 3am
I bargained that
I could work around it
And find loopholes
That just don't exist
I got so low and depressed
I nearly took my life
Until I realised that to live
Would actually show I'm right
I accept that I am alone in this
I accept that you cannot help
I accept that you have tried and failed
Can you accept that now as well?
Chapter 268: You Not Me
Chapter Text
I cannot fight for this
For us, anymore
I've realised how from
The start, I was the one
Pushing and working
Not you. So maybe I
Should sit back and wait
See how much I mean
To you then, when I
Don't come running
Like a little puppy
If you have to hunt for me
Would you even try?
Chapter 269: Subtelty
Chapter Text
Subtelty does not work for me
I cannot recognise it in others
And others' never seem to see it in me
So I will not be subtle
I will make sure you get the message
Loud and clear; wiritten on my forehead
In my blood if thats what it takes
I will listen and I will speak but
Can you respect me and agree the same?
Chapter 270: I Know My Mind
Chapter Text
Can you accept now that I know my own mind?
The depression symptoms lifted exactly how
And when I told you they would. They followed
My plotted course with only a few deviations.
One day of full lethargy and zero movement,
No emotions being felt through a brick wall.
A following day when I shook off the exhaustion
But was still plagued by a lack of feeling anything.
The day after some emotional range returned
But it was still drowned in fog and confusion
It was granted in snapshots, small instants
Then slipped away again, like holding onto sand.
The day after, as I could feel brewing that evening,
Was one of hyper-focus and immense energy
As I felt as close to alive for the first time in a week
I got so much work done that I almost made up
For all the time lost in a haze spent lying in bed.
It all flowed as I predicted, as I promised and assured.
So will you trust me next time, that I know where
My mind will go?
Chapter 271: Isn't it better to create than destroy?
Chapter Text
Isn't it better to create than destroy?
To colour in between the lines
Rather than draw them in your skin
To use a whole rainbow of beauty
Rather than only every paint in red
To make something for another
That holds the double gift of symbolising
Your continued survival into the bargain
To write a poem of your thoughts
And feelings instead of screaming them
At someone who doesn't deserve it
When you're at your lowest and your darkest
My advice to you would be, as cliched as it seems
To find the rainbow in the rainstorm
Find the stars in the middle of the night
Seek out the beauty of the rose petals
Rather than the tragedy of its thorns
Go out looking for honesty, create it if you need to
Pour out your heart and wear it in your poetry
You won't regret it, I swear to you with joy
And if you don't believe me then just think
Isn't it always better to create than destroy?
Chapter 272: Death Coffee
Chapter Text
I have this 'recipe'
I call it 'Death Coffee'
And it is appropriate
Basically I take a jar
Of instant coffee
Caffeinated of course
And tip it until I can't
See the bottom of
The mug anymore
Usually this means
There is a veritable
Pile of brown granules
An inch plus deep
Then you add water
Boiling of course
Don't be dumb
And stir fast, if it's
Left too long at this
Stage it basically turns
Into coagulated soup
In which case just
Add a bit more water
No more than up to
Half the mug though
Because you must
Fill up the rest with
Milk - whatever kind
Floats your boat, I guess
At which point
If you've done it right
It's almost back to
Room temperature now
So what you need to do
Is close your eyes
Hold your nose and
Switch off your gag reflex
If you can. Then down it.
And try not to throw up.
It tastes like poison
If you use the cheapest
Available instant coffee
Like the uni student I am
But if you manage to even
Successfully swallow about
Half or less, I suppose
You'll be awake for a week
And buzzing for hours
I assure you, although
I do not promise it will be fun
Because after all it is called
'Death Coffee' for a reason people!
*Warning: do not attempt if you have a weak heart or are susceptible to migraines.
Chapter 273: Hot Shower
Chapter Text
I have a shower so hot
It almost burns. Almost.
So that I can hardly feel
The furious beating
Of my heart beneath
My heated skin over
The drumming of
Heated water onto it.
So that I can hardly see
The scars that litter
My limbs through
The pure water that
Is flowing over them.
So that when I thrust
My head under the
Stream until my ears
Are submerged and all
I can hear is the rush of
Water and the echo of it
Pounding on my body:
And not my thoughts
Because they have been
Drowned - for now...
Chapter 274: Well Enough
Chapter Text
Things are going well
I've been emotionally
Present and stable
For a few days now
Once the initial frenzy
Passed I've been
Fairly calm and almost
Happy I would say
I don't know how long
This might last and
I don't hold out hope
It will be much more
Than a week or two
Which would coincide
With other factors I reckon
But I intend to enjoy
This peace and contentment
For as long as I hold
It in my weak grasp
I'll get my work done
I must above all else
Be prepared and I would
Rather have everything
Finished when a bad
Day hits and risk being
Bored with nothing to do
Than the perilous alternative
So I'm gonna keep busy
Keep knuckled down
And all that, but I just
Wanted to spare a minute
To remember how I feel
Right now for future me
When she's sad or despairing
To remind her that there
Are times in life where
She can be, when I am
Simply well enough.
Chapter 275: If only I had wings.
Chapter Text
I like to pretend I can fly
That with a blink I can
Turn into a bird and
Grow white wings
Of soft feathers
And strong muscle
And just fly away.
It's not about escape.
Well not entirely, I think
I would describe is as
A desire to feel free
To see more than this
To experience new
And exciting flights
To find a new perspective
They say that your
Problems seem so small
If you can see much
Of the world, from on high
I should like my
Problems to seem
Small to me, it sounds nice
I want to fly, not fall
I'm sick of falling
All the fucking time
I want to soar when
I step off the ledge
Be alone with the
Clouds and the wind
How peaceful do
You think that could be?
If only I had wings...
Chapter 276: Leaf.
Chapter Text
I watch the single
Golden leaf as
It falls, tumbles
Through the air
End over end
Twisting as it flies
Not straight down
But a more leisurely
Route than that
As it's dusk and
The streetlamp
Is beaming out
It's golden rays
From amongst
The increasingly
Bare branches
And sparse leaves
The light from it
Catches the damp
Sides of the leaf
As it ghosts it's
Path downward
Making it twinkle
In the shadowy
Half-light of this
Time of day, or night
Though the breeze
Carrying droplets
Of rain with it
Rustle the boughs
And caress the
Leaves that remain
No others take
The plunge and
That solitary leaf
Lies alone on the
Ground, on dark gravel
So it's damp edges
Seem to glow in
The diffused light
That reaches them
And the dappling
From the streetlamp
Creates puddles
Of gold around it
Apart from which
No shape or colour
Can be determined
Though cars rush
Past and do not slow
The leaf stays put
Refusing to go
It lays there, as if
It's dozing for the
Long winter snow
And though the
Other leaves of
Brown and red and
Orange hues will
Join it in time
Bury this isolated
Martyr of nature
And drown out
It's silent defiance
In a sea of death
But come the spring
This leaf will be
Whole again and new
Fresher than a daisy
Shining with its
Own light from within
Instead of weak reflected
Embers like the moon
It will be reborn
And it will be free
To fall next year
And begin it all again.
Chapter 277: Speak
Chapter Text
I speak the words
But you cannot hear them
Close your mind
And cover your ears
I wonder if I screamed
Then would you react
Or still stare mutely
Just past my form
Resolute and statuesque
I am silent though
My voice is hoarse
Chapter 278: Lessons Learned
Chapter Text
So it turns out
That if I drink
A whole can of cider
On a stomach
That only holds
A single pasty
The night will
Not go great
I’ll be dizzy and
Nauseated within
A few hours
And go to sleep
For a bit
To then wake
At around 1am
So I can vomit
The remains
Of that sad
Sorry pasty
And spend
Another hour
Dozing then
Waking to
Puke again
Before finally
Drifting off
When I was
Supposed to be
Getting an early
Night that night
Clutching my
Stomach, curled
In a ball with
My neck twisted
At an angle on
The pillow I’m
Propped upon
In the position
Of somehow
Least and most
Discomfort available
Now I know not
To do that again
Lessons learned
So they say and
Now I think I agree:
Lessons Learned
Chapter 279: Celebrate
Chapter Text
It's strange
I'm not sure
Which award
I treasure more
The 'celebration'
Of my birth
I am not quite
Ready to accept
For the implied
Joy it states
That I simply
Do not feel yet
But the arrival
Of a number
Counted in time
Should be no different
Except for what
I am counting
Should by others
Be viewed more highly
It is in essence
Better proof
Of my living
Than time passed by
It is the truth
Of the struggle
And survival
Despite all
Even if some days
I question if that
Surviving is a
Triumph or failure
It is measurable
More than years
Of breathing
And heart beating
It is both quantifiable
And qualitative too
That judgement on me
And the time elapsed
Between the day
I took my first breath
And blinked open
Uncomprehending eyes
Then the day I last
Took a sharp blade
To my wrist and bled
900 days ago now
Which of these should
I put weight on and
Which should I
Acknowledge in life
Could it not be both?
Despite my fears
Of attention and
To stand on ceremony
My birthday or the
Number of days clean
Barely a week apart
So similar they seem
Am I forgiven my focus
On this day, first of all
And letting next week be
For my day of birth
Can I wonder which
Is more special and
Treasured to be
Or is this dangerous?
To question what I prioritize
Is it: death, life, blood or pain
Or just joy - whatever form it takes
For both though, may I celebrate?
Chapter 280: What did they tell you?
Chapter Text
You know, I get
Emotional whiplash
The way you treat me
Changes so fast
One day happy and
Laughing with me
The next nervous, edgy
So many questions to ask
Then commenting and checking
Everything I say for danger
Is it who we're with
That defines this switch?
Is it how you think
I'm feeling that makes
You change your
Behaviour and attitude?
What did they say to you?
What did you think?
Of me or yourself then?
Did you even try to fight for me?
And a note for next time
If you want to hide or
Keep something from me
Then talk quieter...
Chapter 281: Bladeless
Chapter Text
So you took a knife
And pair of scissors
From me, as if you
Actually thought
They were the only
One's I own somehow
Or that I don't prefer
Small weapons
To play with and like
I told you then
That I do not like
To use so giant a thing
But no, you did not
Listen then and to
Tell you now that
I have others tools
More 'perfect' in my eyes
To suit a purpose
You find grisly
And terrifying
Then fine. What do I say?
How do I explain
My sanity while asking
For things I cannot
Name because they
Trigger me, and remind
Me - forevermore - of
That night, the night
You thought you had
To take them away
And I let you, so nicely
Because I knew better
And knew it was the only
Way to make you leave
So I could do what
I would not say and
Spill another drop
That you do not know of.
Chapter 282: Peace & Regret
Chapter Text
I have made 'peace'
With the fact I should
Have kept my mouth shut
And it will forever be
Another regret on my list
But I can't change that
It happened, nothing
I can do about it now
And I can't change your
Reaction and response
Any more than the words
I spoke, that you heard
But what I can do is
Try to explain to you
What your reactions
Have done to me and
Most importantly: are
Doing and will do, soon
Because it is the future
That commands your
Attention now, even as
I continue to be focused
On the past, as I process it
And it's impact on today...
Chapter 283: What I Remember
Chapter Text
One day, I am sat
In a physics lesson
And my period starts.
Immediately that is
Immensely awkward
And the male teacher
Completely oblivious
Does not help in this.
So, once he has stopped
Talking and we are all
Bent over our workbooks
Beavering away with
Some quiet chatter
To form pleasant enough
Background noise
I summon up my courage
Raise my hand and ask
“Please may I go to the bathroom?”
His reply: “No.” and
I am shocked, kind of scared
And embarrassed – see
I know him to be kind
A good and nice teacher
That would not deny
A student’s basic needs
Not to mention female ones
That he is unknowing of
Out of spite or meanness
Plus, I know he likes me
And we get on well – I thought
There’s a beat as I process
Then he steps closer to me
Looking uncomfortable
He leans towards me and
Clearing his throat murmurs:
“I can’t let you.” And then
I remember. “You’re not
Supposed to go alone.”
First all I feel is rage, then
Despair and panic as
I’m not sure what to do
I have a problem that
Needs fixing, or more
Specifically to be indelicate
Mopping up and though
Thankfully we are over
Halfway through the lesson
I freeze at the thought
Of having to stay put
In so uncomfortable a position
But at no point does
It cross my mind to explain
The situation, my circumstances
In that instant did not
Negate my lot as a whole
See, not only was I very
Unwilling to explain in a
Semi-public place the mess
And to a male teacher as well
But I knew that, no matter
What I said he could not
Change his declaration
Nor ‘take it back’
For it was common policy
At least, it was regarding me
It was simply that I hadn’t
Ever butted up against it before
Not previously experienced
That humiliating ‘No’
My school, and I suppose
That kind teacher, thought
That if I were allowed to go
To the toilet, mid-lesson
I would cut myself then/there
There are many problems
With this flawed hypothesis
To start with that I would
Never use, nor have ever or
Had ever used a public WC
As a place to bleed in – by choice
Of course, that is. Ironically.
Secondly, if I was so very
Desperate mid-lesson then
I would not announce this
But simply do what I needed
To do under the table
As I had done before and
Would again after this incident
Thirdly, this bizarre rule implied
That once the bell rang and
The lesson over, I was free
To go where I pleased and
Cut what I wanted with my blade
And though I knew technically
They still cared, and it was
Still their fault or responsibility
It was more deniable that way
If I was alone, unattended
Undocumented and unregimented
When I choose to pick up a tool
And commit bloody work with it.
So I sat the rest of that physics class
In burning misery and awkwardness
With my teacher, perhaps picking
Up on how humiliated I was feeling
Avoiding my eye and my overall
Existence for the next half hour
I know he watched me leave
I could feel his eyes on me as
I walked out the door and I wonder
What he thought I had wanted
When I raised my hand then
Or what he thought I was hurrying
Off to do now the lesson had ended
Did he write a report or ‘concerned’ email
Once we were all gone? Or did he
Do exactly what I did in the next weeks:
Forget and move on.
Chapter 284: sleep & eat
Chapter Text
lately, i cannot seem to sleep
i blame the fact
that i am eating again
my body has not clue
what to do with all
this extra energy it's getting
i mean, would you?
Chapter 285: Old Songs
Chapter Text
I love to rediscover
Old songs, forgotten
In my conscious memory
But not from my deeper soul
My heart remembers
The beat of the music
My lips mouth words
That I know will come next
When I have not whispered
Them or heard them sung
In months and years sometimes
I don't know if it is simply
Another coincidentally happy
Side effect of my brain's circuitry
But if I get to remember
And feel like this when I
Rediscover old songs then
I don't mind why that is
Chapter 286: Looking For Someone
Chapter Text
When you go for a walk
At just past five or seven pm
As it begins to go dark
And the thoughts are crowding in
Then you're looking for help
For someone to care, to worry almost
Most of all, for someone to stop you
From hurting yourself...
When you go for a frantic run
At 2 in the morning, alone
Without shoes or socks
Or any jumper or coat
Just t-shirt and jeans against
The chill night autumn air
And the slightly wet pavement
Is so cold and harsh against
Your bare unprotected pounding feet
Then, in that moment when
You step out the door without
Your phone or anything but the key
To get back in and escape hypothermia
You are not looking for someone
To help, to heal, to care and keep safe
You are looking for someone or something
Like a brutal man or the brutal weather
To hurt you, beat you, make you bleed
So you do not have to hurt yourself...
Chapter 287: Waves
Chapter Text
Something is approaching
I can feel it, I am preparing for it's arrival
I don't know yet what it will be
A high or a low extreme but
I'm sure it will affect my ability
To function like normal people
Affect my sleep and eating habits too
If I absolutely had to place my bets
Then I would say it will be a depressive episode
But until it hits I won't know for sure
And even then it can suddenly change
Abruptly at the last minute
Such is the joy of my brain
But right now, I'm feeling on the edge of a low
Tired, not quite numb and unable to move
But certainly drained and lethargic
Which is not fun. But then everything
Within me is straining to stay ahead of the wave
That is coming for me. I've already made
The perceived sacrifice to not go to class today
Even though I want to, it will be fun
And interesting - I'm walking a thin line here
Between continuing and stalling
But if I stay here, cuddled up and take it easy
Maybe I can avoid the brunt of it
Pacify the worst of it and only feel sad
Or only feel nothing, instead of feeling
Like I want to die which right now I definitely don't
But when I gets the the middle of the night
I don't know if I will feel the same
Not if this wave floods my brain and I
Am helpless to it's powerful currents
Then I must ride it out, bunker down
Anchor into my strategies and knowledge
Borne from experience, I have lived through
This countless times before, so mark my words
What is approaching now: will not sink me yet.
Chapter 288: Made Beauty
Chapter Text
I have a rule
Which has saved
My life many a time
It is as simple as
When I want to
Destroy then I
Should create instead
So these gifts
Of needlework
Of material and colours
Call them beautiful
If you dare, I see
Them as practical
But the care is there
See them as simple
Christmas presents
Somewhat early
Or as symbols of
My appreciation for
Your kindness and
Your irreplaceable aid
Or more appropriately
If you were to examine
Every thread and place
Where the needle punctured
Count them if you wish
And if you were to think
That each point where
I pushed metal through
Soft smooth cloth is
An instance when I could
Have pushed sharper
Metal through flesh - but didn't
You would be not far off
From their truth. See, instead
I made these for you, individually
Unique, just like each of you
Their colours assigned
Their pattern fits your names
Their form and design
Carefully considered to suit you
And all that time spent
Thinking of you, your smiles
Your hope and trust and faith
In me - your strength, even
Remembered and not present then
Allowed me to pick up a needle
To handle scissors without
Being afraid of their sharp edge
To draw and paint and create
These gifts which represent far more
Than my words could ever explain
So please just understand this:
These are symbols of every time
I continued to fight, of every occasion
When I refused death and chose life
And I assume that means something more
Than these flawed clumsy pieces of art
Could ever mean to you, my friends.
Chapter 289: Fill The Void
Chapter Text
I find my mind
Drifting to the topic
As if my stomach
Is constantly
Murmuring in my ear
How hungry it is
Even when I just ate
I lie here idly - like
I have done all day
And wonder what
Could I eat that
Would make this go away
A nice mug of tea
Not coffee, it's far too late
Or a sweet hot chocolate
Or a simple cup of milk
To soothe my heat and
Calm my fluttering fingers
Cool fresh milk is currently
The most attractive option
And that is favoured over
Just going to bed right now
Which logically is what
I should do, at midnight
But there's just this void
Inside of me, that I can't stand
I need it filled, for my stomach
To be silent for once
Even though now that I think
About it, it hasn't made more
Than a digestive gurgle all day...
Even though I'm full
Even though I think if I were to eat
One more mouthful, one more biscuit
Even one more fruit or plum
Then I'll be sick, and I can barely
Move for fear of moderately
Jostling my intestines around
Still. There's just this void
And sometimes I want it there
Force it, create it, manufacture
It's presence - in my head, I'm not sure
But those days when I don't
Eat a thing, it's there and I welcome it
It keep me company, in a way
But today, tonight, all I want
Is for it to fill, to silence, to go away again.
Chapter 290: Popcorn
Chapter Text
So much of my life
Feels like a movie
Some moments
Like scenes so much
That I can almost hear
The dramatic score
Playing along in my head
And sometimes I like
To tell myself that this
Is just that dark sad point
To make the character arc
And the story worthwhile
To develop the plot
Or whatever reason
I feel like giving then
The problem with that
Excuse is that for me
It is not a dark chapter
And then you turn the page
To move on past and continue
Instead there is darkness
Sadness and pain, in my life
Every other page is consumed
And though I am helpless
To keep turning the pages
There is no remote to press pause
Or even press play again
Somebody else has that power
So all I can do is get the popcorn
I suppose.
Chapter 291: Oath
Chapter Text
In some ways
I've done the
Easy part:
Carried on,
Continued to live...
Now I'm facing
All that I was
Running and
Hiding from.
I've got to
See it through,
Because
I swore I would.
I hold my oath,
But to keep
This one will
Be more difficult
Than most.
Chapter 292: Play the Game
Chapter Text
The next week,
Next few days,
Everything
Should be fine.
More than fine,
They will be great:
Fun and happy
Times are ahead.
But only in my
Near future, as
I say in my head...
I must be ready
For the inevitable
Dark days that
Will follow after;
And I am prepared
I know and recognise
They are coming.
But I have no idea
How bad they
Will get. I wonder
If in a few months,
If I am still alive,
Will I look back
On these words
And laugh at my
How naïve I am
Or wince at what
I am about to face?
Is the true test
Still waiting? Have
I only completed
The pre-trial process?
Okay, so I won - which
Means I progress
To the next stage,
Not that the next
Bit is any easier,
Nor am I any likelier
To succeed or fail.
I believe I can.
And I hope I will.
That is not the same
And knowing or
Certainty. I have faith,
At this point it is all
I can muster. The war
That I am facing
Would terrify most
Hardened soldiers
And that I am, too.
Everything is just
Increasing, ramping up
The pace of life
All goal lines extended
All tasks multiplied
All stakes heightened
As if they even could
Be any further...
There is so much
To play for but so
Much more to lose.
But the cards have
Been dealt now and
I have only one I can play
To keep going, carry on
Take my turn, place a card
Shuffle and resume
I will keep something
Up my sleeve for when
The nightmares come
Knocking but until then
I'm gonna keep playing.
Play hand after hand
Until the sun shines again.
Chapter 293: Watcher
Chapter Text
That man walking
His dog across
The street or the
Woman crying
Into a cup of tea
In a cafe window
These people I pass
They never see me
I walk through this world
Like a ghost, never touching
Surrounded by glass
My own personal bubble
A prison and a safehouse
There is no door, in or out
And these people I share
A bus ride with, will never notice
Whether I am here
Or whether I clock out?
Chapter 294: Tired
Chapter Text
Now I’m feeling quite tired now
But not the kind of tired that
Means I want or will go to sleep
It’s more the bone-deep weariness
Which suggests I am done with
Just everything I guess
But this kind of tiredness
Besides being not at all fun
Can actually be quite dangerous
Because it means I walk
Only one or two steps
Closer to the edge that was
Already too much in reach
And with the tired brain
I am currently working with
It suddenly and inexplicably
Seems to very easy to fall
Or step or jump or slip
And let this tiredness melt away.
Chapter 295: Pain is Pain
Chapter Text
Pain is pain.
Mental and
Physical – the same.
It's amazing how
Simple the world
Becomes if you
Can take that
Concept to heart.
Pain is individual.
Unique to each of us.
It cannot be the same
As another's. Even
If it's origin, like grief
And loss, is shared.
Pain of another -
There is nothing
That can make us
Feel more helpless.
The pain of someone
We care about and
Must now care for.
Pain is something
To be questioned.
Interrogated and
Examined for the
Smallest crack
In the armour.
It is the enemy even
When it seems to
Help us survive.
Pain is hard.
Terrible and difficult.
It is an arduous task
To be endured
For as long as it lasts.
Yet the enduring is
What actually causes
Damage to ourselves.
The act of fighting,
Surviving, is what
Creates the weariness,
The ache in our chests.
The feeling of being
Alone and isolated,
Because no one can
Understand, as much
As some who cares
Might try and try.
Pain is a mystery.
But it is what
Makes you and me.
Chapter 296: Helpful Questions
Chapter Text
What can I do to help?
You ask someone
Who is bleeding or
Someone who is
Aching or screaming.
What helps you feel better?
You can say to those
Who are wounded
Or in agony of pulled or
Torn muscle and bone.
What do you want me to do?
No one ever asks
The person whose
Head is attacking them
Whose body is rebelling
And who is screaming
Only on the inside…
How hard is it to ask the
Same questions of the
Mentally weary that you
Say to the person with a
Broken leg or a bleeding
Arm or an aching back?
Did it not occur to you that they
Might be helpful questions to ask?
Chapter 297: While Waiting
Chapter Text
While I wait
I might die
While you wait
You are in pain
While we wait
Time goes by
While they wait
One more day
Might be our last.
Chapter 298: I don't understand?
Chapter Text
I don't understand it.
I ate on schedule
I've slept enough I think
Why has my brain decided
To suddenly bring
Me to the brink?
I mean I recognise it
I know where I am
And the steps that
Led me here but
I can't see how I made them
Since every stride
I took was always against?
But here is this panic
Rising and falling
Like a wave inside me
It subsides eventually
And I am left wondering
What was the trigger this time
When all I did was walk away
What more will be asked
Of me to keep these
Foul dangerous demons at bay?
Chapter 299: Not Okay
Chapter Text
I try to tell myself that I'm okay
But in reality I know that's not true
And what that means is that there's something
I think that I have to do but
It's scary and honestly I don't want to
But it's to keep me safe and don't they say
It's better to be safe than sorry
I've been sorry before, I know how it feels
Similar to this, which I call:
Not okay
Chapter 300: 'Infinity List'
Chapter Text
I can't be the only one
With an 'Infinity List'
Of all the things you'd
Learn or try, of all
The places you'd go
And people you'd meet
Past and present, if
Time had no meaning.
I recognise the irony though
Of the girl who wants to die
Also dreaming to live forever
The difference I think is that
I think I can find freedom
Joy, understanding, knowledge
In forever. While I am unwilling
To step out of my comfort zone
And risk my fragile limited years.
Chapter 301: Please Ask For Help
Chapter Text
Please ask for help
Even if you think that
There is nothing they can do
Or even if you doubt that
You even want them to
Or that they would want to
People may surprise you
So please just ask away
The outcome could be happier
Than the way you are today
So isn't the risk worth it?
How does it hurt to try?
Even to reach out a hand
For it to return empty and cold
Is better than to stay here
Like this, alone, and cry.
Chapter 302: The Underground
Chapter Text
The rattling rumbling
Grating and tingling
Sensation beneath
My deadened feet
Which cannot be
Shifted or moved
The bright blinding
Light within and the
Dark terrifying abyss
Beyond, punctuated
By shocking flashes
Of orange or blue
The piercing beep
As the doors slam
And rattle shut then
The harsh whistling
Begins and reaches
A bone-cutting pitch
All undercut by the
Murmur of uncaring
Uninterested voices
The cold but clammy
Metal gripped in my
Shaky sweating fist
And the gusts of
Stale hot air brush
My cheek and rustle
My hair and flow over
My fingers when they
Clutch and try to cover
My poor ravaged ears.
This is how I experienced it.
This is how my senses perceived.
What my eyes saw, my ears heard,
My skin felt and nose smelled.
Do not doubt the power of the senses.
Especially in someone like me.
They can turn the simplest trip
Into a nightmare with not a second
To breathe...
Chapter 303: The Escalator
Chapter Text
The tramp of footsteps
Coming up the left side
The rumble of the handrail
Bumbling underneath my grip
The fumbling of my feet
As they do a nervous two-step
Before taking the leap
Back onto solid stationary ground
The change in the air from
Dry and hot to a cooling breeze
And the way the crowd
Thins out and their clamour too
As we come out above ground
Like a mole blinking in the light
Chapter 304: Mirrors
Chapter Text
I look into the mirror
And what I see there
I am learning to hate
I'm practicing it daily
I mouth the words
That have been said
Over what I see
In the mirror and
Like I've been taught
The parts of who I see
That are horrible to me
If I could I would rip them off
To tear apart the image
So it blurs with tears
As I destroy it and bleed.
Chapter 305: "Well Done" 👏👏👏
Chapter Text
I like to tear down
Those whose works
May impress me
Their magnitude or
Beauty or impact
Make me feel that
I am lesser or small
In some way, and
I don't like to feel
Like that so I pick
At their achievements
With special knowledge
That I have, which
I feel gives me power
Over the art that
I cannot hope to reach
So quietly or even
Silently, I criticise
Their every breath
Word and step, in
The safety of my head
Where the weakly
Justified cruel honesty
Will never be heard
And most importantly
Never ever be felt.
Chapter 306: Winter Months
Chapter Text
For some reason
Generally unknown to me
This next period
Is one of the hardest
The run up to Christmas
As the nights get
Even darker and colder
Is some of the toughest times
My fight to be alive
Becomes much fiercer
At this point every breath
Could be my very last
I don't know if it's a combination
Of my goal being just up ahead
To get the Christmas, mid December
Sounds so easy but it ain't
My brain likes to self-sabotage
That much is clearly true
So maybe it's as simple as
That the finish line is near
The problem with this however
Is that once that date has passed
Once Christmas cheer is over
I have nothing left to fear
No family around to question
My moods or long sleeves
No end goal in sight, though
I always go looking I swear
So even though these next
Few months are always
When I struggle the most
January is easy in comparison
Because there is no battle
The fight is all gone and done
I simply relapse and live on
Chapter 307: Opposites
Chapter Text
I feel so depressed
But I have no reason to be
I am so anxious that my heart
Might beat out of my chest
I am alive but sometimes
I have to remember that I'm breathing
I am awake even though
It feels like I'm still sleeping
Chapter 308: I Promise To Fight
Chapter Text
I've got a fight on my hands
And though I've stumbled
I promise I will get up again
Stand tall and battle onward
But just give me a minute first please
Chapter 309: Trapped In My Head
Chapter Text
I'm getting fucking whiplash
So fast my emotions change
Depressed then joyous
Stressed out and anxious
Then ecstatic or exhausted
Love and hate and fear and trust
Collide together in me every second
And before I can even begin
To process all my thoughts
They start again to swirl into a mess
A jumbled tangled knot that
I can never unpick - I just get
Bruised and bleeding fingers
I scream into the void in my head
As I cry from all I do not get
My understanding is so limited
I feel trapped within my skull
Everything outside me so quiet
And small but at the same time
Somehow immeasurably key
To my survival - but I don't get how
Nothing makes any sense
And the more I search for order
In all this chaos and noise
The more I get a headache and
Feel dizzy and out of breath
I cannot win this fight today
But I cannot seem to sleep
And make this day into tomorrow
If I were to lie and face the ceiling
Like a passive sheep before the slaughter
My life could end so I am not yet
Willing to take that measure
But give me time, and of course
If no other options are left
All other avenues of escape
Freedom, sanity and safety
Then I will do whatever is best.
Chapter 310: Priorities
Chapter Text
I know I've got work to do
So right now I must apologise
Because tonight I will prioritise
My own safety and sanity
Is that okay?
Chapter 311: Snowball Feelings
Chapter Text
There is a moment
When you are rolling
A snowball up a hill
That you have gone
Too far, tried too hard
Reached too high
And failed - and you
Have to let the snowball
Go or else let it crush you.
I am cold but want to feel alive
I want to cry but my eyes are dry
I am not alone but feel lonely
I want to cut and bleed but
My scars are fading.
Chapter 312: Scars By Christmas
Chapter Text
And all I'm thinking of now
Is how, if I do it right
If I treat them well
I could relapse and cut
This week - and they
Would be mere scars
By Christmas...
Chapter 313: Control
Chapter Text
If I were to cut myself
Might you see it as
Me losing control or
Would you view it
Like me, as the most
In control I can be
Chapter 314: Sink or Swim
Chapter Text
It's not so much that
You threw me in at
The deep end and said:
"Sink or swim, by yourself"
But instead you took my hand
Helped me along
Walked with me to the edge
Jumped together and
Waded with me, side by side
Until suddenly you were gone
And I was out of my depth
Again but this time alone
And that was the worst
Feeling in the world
All the empty water around me
The great swirling depths
Beneath me dragged me down
And I drowned, I couldn't swim.
Chapter 315: Smooth Beneath
Chapter Text
It's been nearly
Two and a half years
Yet it still surprises me
Every time my fingers
Drift under my sleeve
To find undisrupted skin
That's now mostly smooth
Beneath
Chapter 316: The Question
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
The question, to me
Is never
"What is worth dying for?"
But instead
"What is worth living for?"
Because one is
Significantly easier
While the other
So simple
Unless of course
You happen to
Believe in hell...
Notes:
This is the 9th poem of a single evening of chaotic emotions.
(Chapters 309-318 all written within a matter of hours, most within just one.)
This is what my life is like.
Chapter 317: Boomerang
Chapter Text
And I'm back here again
It's been years but I don't understand
Hours pass but I return
My thoughts like a boomerang
The further they seem to fly
The faster I am back here
Holding a blade in my hand
Chapter 318: True Reasons
Chapter Text
Really though
How much does
It cost me
To relapse now
And cut freely
The only price
Being paid is
Imagined and false
Only blood would
Be spent
And that is
What I intend
The purpose
Is complete
So I'll bleed
Supposedly
There should be
Reasons against
Cons for the pros
Of my list
But I cannot see
Of any that
Actually are
Compelling or
Even make sense
I know what I'm doing
I know how to be safe
I know where to do it
I know what to clean
I know what will happen
I know my own brain
I know the real consequences
This is the truth
And so right now
I know any possible
Negative vastly
Outweigh the gains
Chapter 319: The Time Before Sleep
Chapter Text
The worst time of any given day
Is that period between sleep
And being awake, the transition
When you must commit to sleeping
But it hasn't or refuses to take hold yet
So you're left staring at the ceiling
Contemplating the black all around you
With only your thoughts left
All else but the darkness fades away
And your mind is turned up full volume
It rants and rambles and won't be silent
No matter how you beg or cry
It's this time when you are most alone
Most vulnerable and that's when it strikes
The dark dangerous thoughts don't
Bother to creep up but simply barge in
The door is already open and all defenses down
We are trying to achieve a state of rest
Relaxation of the body but never the mind or soul
They do not sleep nor ever rest as long as
There is breath; though they muse on
How long there is of that left.
Chapter 320: To The Death
Chapter Text
The fight goes on
It never ceases
Only ever slows
A brief respite
Then on it goes
Fighting to the death
Or until death arrives
Chapter 321: Actress
Chapter Text
I think I'm doing
Quite a good job
At pretending to
Be a functioning
Human being now
Chapter 322: I can't...
Chapter Text
My stomach feels like
It's trying to crawl out
Through my throat and
I really feel like being sick
Only I know there's
Nothing in there to come up
My lips are dry and chapped
Despite all the gulps of water
I've been carefully drinking
In spite of all of this, at 4am
I might be able to sleep
Given ten minutes to try
But what I absolutely cannot
Even attempt right now
Though I know how much
I really need to, is simply
Eat.
And I'm sorry
But I can't
Chapter 323: Morning
Chapter Text
It's morning now
No more excuses
Not to much on
Those ginger biscuits
And sip on that
Good cup of tea
To just recover
But despite is all
Some part of me
Clearly not the part
Screaming for
This to be over
Still clings to the
Feeling of being
Empty and the pain
That it is bringing
Chapter 324: Hibernation
Chapter Text
It's like my body
Thinks it hibernates
And in some
Twisted way, it does.
I'll have a day or
Two, usually, of
Not eating. Zero
Appetite at all.
Followed by a few
Days of eating,
Generally a bit
More than the norm.
But it's necessary.
Like a squirrel
Storing for the winter,
My body does similar
It builds up reserves
That can then be
Excruciatingly worn
Away come the drought.
It hurts and it is far
From perfect, I'll
Be the first to admit.
But it works, okay?
If it didn't, I'd be
Dead or in hospital
Some place. Not
Here, mostly thriving.
No system is perfect.
It just needs to function
Good enough - ask
Any engineer, I'd say.
So even though
This one has been
A long time, much
More than usual...
I'm not worried
Because I know
The last binge
Was quite good.
And so though
This latest bout
Of starvation has
Been hellish, I'll survive.
Survive the stomach
Cramps and dry
Retching and the
Dizziness and exhaustion.
It's nothing I haven't
Dealt with before,
Nor will again. You
See my body thinks
It hibernates
And in some
Twisted way
I agree with it.
Chapter 325: Nosebleed
Chapter Text
It's strange, you know?
How triggering a little
Nosebleed can be...
I did not expect it.
Neither the nosebleed,
Nor the memories it brought.
But I should have known.
The dry heat or a stuffy
Blocked nose needing
To often be blown, that's right.
To get blood any other way
Involves pain and excluding
The monthly cycle, the only
Deliberate way I know needs a tool
These things, nothing sharp,
Causes a nosebleed. And yet
Something about them reminds me.
My cursed brain forming it's
Dammed connections between
Seemingly unrelated things,
Like blood from the nose or the skin.
You would think it's the blood.
It is the most obvious connection.
The disinctive colour, smell and taste.
The metal taste is never felt when
Purposefully blood is spilt, I'm no
Vampire or blood-drinker. Just
Arguably psychotic in other ways...
The smell is unavoidable when
The source is literally in your nose
Already - not much to be done.
I remember the smell from
Hiding in corners or tiny rooms
To do my bloody deeds, the air
Stale then stained with metal.
The blood stains on T-Shirt fronts
Are nothing like any from a cut
All large blobs and splashes and swipes.
Stains of cuts are distinctive on sleeves
Each different and yet the same.
Red lines as if drawn with a pen;
Sometimes dotted, others bloated.
The blood on my hands is shocking
And mournfully familiar, but still
Is different - it is transferred, not leaked.
It has been splattered, not pooled upon,
It has been slathered and not oozed over,
It has been cleaned and my memory will not.
Yet the sticky then flaking feeling is the same.
The tissue is what shocked me, as I
Dove into supplies set aside for blood
Brought forth a very different way.
I had planned for one day when I cut again.
To devote those resources to cease and
Mop up a nosebleed was jarring, to say the least.
But a better use for them, I'd argue maybe?
The blotches were so different. I could
Hardly get them confused but the pattern
Was so familiar, like the growing of a seed.
As always the blood was bright at first, stark against
The once-pure white of the paper-like thing.
Then it darkens just like all other blood
Spilt in all other ways; turning almost black
Given enough contemplation and odious time.
Some things are different.
Some are scarily the same.
But what is important this time?
The blood was not spilt by design.
Chapter 326: Blood Is Blood
Chapter Text
I'm not used to blood
Without any wounds
It's like the moon without the sun
It doesn't make sense
It shouldn't happen or exist
Yet apparently it does
But it reminds me. Oh, so clearly.
My memory crystal clear.
The smell, the colour and texture
All so familiar, like an old friend
Has just dropped in to say hi
Or the way light catches in a sunrise
But it's like all the bad stuff
Without any of the good.
And part of me screams
At how I could ever want this
To feel blood coating my palms
Or soaking into a once white tissue
And the rest of me softly coos
At how, since I've got the worst bit
Already then I might as well
Justify that tiny bit of blood
With only a little more, but the right way
After all, blood is blood.
Chapter 327: Woe is Me
Chapter Text
Woe is me
This is my life
So close to death
At all times
Chapter 328: Ironically
Chapter Text
The irony is
That which
Purpose is
To provide
Control is
Only dangerous
When it is
Allowed to
Get out of control
Chapter 329: Decided.
Chapter Text
It’s with a clear head
That I make this decision
Mostly free from exhaustion
Not as sleep-deprived as usual
At least, and in the light
Of the day with the sun
Streaming through the trees
Outside my window here
It is without fear or despair
I choose this now, nor
Any doubt or terror either
Nor desperate desire or
A numbness in my bones
So I might be a bit under-fed
But right now I am more
Than awake enough to combat
That and its side-effects. So.
I make this decision in the
Daylight with a clear head.
Does this mean it is valid yet?
Chapter 330: Tonight
Chapter Text
Tonight is going to be bad
I can feel it, I know this
Just as I know the sun
Will rise again, but not for
Several odd hours yet.
I can detect the mania already
The frentic frantic rush of need
To feel and bleed and scream
It's coming and I can't stop it
It's like there's a burst pipe in me
So far I've managed to keep busy
Stay distracted, moving, on my feet
But I know that when the music stops
I won't be standing or seated
But crying down on my knees
Chapter 331: Who am I, when no one cares?
Chapter Text
Just once, I would like it
For someone to listen in
Should I say I'm not okay
Or that I've had a bad day
For once to be a priority
Not someone to be dismissed
Or ticked from a list then
Left to go and attend to the next
Never in my life have I felt
Like someone just wanted
To stop and talk to me or
Hear what I have to say
Now some part of this
Must be in my head but
It also had to come from
Somewhere, like childhood
Experiences and learned lessons
That taught me never to
Expect to be first or second at best
And yet still I want it with
A tiny dying part of me
That craves company so
Desperately it will do anything
Say anything, it thinks will
Get people to see me or stay
And it's exhausting everyday
But I carry on all the same
Because what is life but a
Compilation of connections
A catalogue of relationships
Strong and weakly forged
What is left when we are gone
But those who remember
And with them carry us along
So who am I if no one ever cares?
Chapter 332: Superhero
Chapter Text
Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive
Then I realise it's all I ever try
To do, with each breath, each step
Because I'm on my own - no one will save me
I must be my own superhero
Chapter 333: Not Right Now
Chapter Text
No, no, no!
I shout aloud,
As my thoughts
Take a sharp
Downward twist.
That is not
What we are
Contemplating
Here tonight.
I have reasons
To live, do you
Need me to
List them?
What we're
Searching for
But cannot
Currently find
Are any reasons
Not to cut,
Alright? So
Focus up!
Chapter 334: Hurt & Harm
Chapter Text
For me there is a line
Between harm and hurt
Because not all harm
Can hurt me though
Some hurt can harm
So to say that welfare
Is a reason to fight on
Implies that hurt and harm
Are the same thing
When in my experience
They are clearly not.
Chapter 335: Define
Chapter Text
What is the definition
Of safe?
What is the definition
Of in danger?
Because by some I am
Never safe
And by others I am
Not in danger.
What is the definition
Of alive?
What is the definition
Of dead?
Because I think there
Should be
More of an in between
Than comatose.
What is the definition
Of happy?
What is the definition
Of sad?
Why are those definitions
Just opposites
As if one cannot be had
Without the other.
What is the definition
Of alone?
What is the definition
Of love?
Because I can be alone
In a crowded room.
And I can be loved
From miles away.
Chapter 336: My Cloak Of Invisibility Is Just Me
Chapter Text
Harry Potter's
Famous cloak
Of invisibility
Would do me
No good as
It seems that
I already wear
Some mystic
Item or large
Sign that reads:
"Ignore me." Or
"Don't see me."
And people
Happily oblige.
Chapter 337: I Ate
Chapter Text
I ate
Because he asked me to
So I ate
Though I pretended I didn't
Like a robot
I was methodical
Lift the fork
Take a bite
Chew and swallow
Then repeat
Until the plate was empty
And my stomach was filled
I watched a film to keep
My mind busy
Stop it from contemplating
Everything I am
And it worked
Though now the credits
Have rolled on by
And I'm stuck staring at
A blank screen in the dark of night
Wondering why his words
Made a difference
Or if they were the excuse
My brain needed to
Continue my existence
Chapter 338: Normalise Scars
Chapter Text
I want to be able
For it to be normal
To raise my sleeve
And bare my wrist
For your eyes to see
So you can celebrate
Or commiserate
Along with me as
It continues to
Exists as smooth
Clean and unbroken
Skin, no matter
How hard it gets
And even if my
Resolve breaks
If I am broken
To not be afraid
And show you
All the same, to
Make this normal
Me and my scars
Be they fresh or
Old, and allow
This tragedy to
Play on even though
Our hearts may
Break and our
Minds devolve
Chapter 339: Hidden Secrets
Chapter Text
If you were to look
Really look
At my left forearm
For a moment
You might think that
There is nothing
Much worth examining
But if you were
To focus and give
My limb your
Full attention then
You might notice
What is painfully
Clear to me
The skin might be
Unbroken now
But that does not
Mean it is
Undamaged
In fact, if I were
Bored or savage
I might dare you
To find a part that
Is clear from destruction
No damage, no scars
Because from my
Memory alone
I know it does not exist
Not now anyway
I wonder what my arm
Would look like
When examined
Under a microscope
Then would you be able
To see where scars
Overlap and merge into
One mass
Of healed hurt
To see the thin lines
Woven into a net
Like they used to be
When they
Were newly made
Sometimes if you tilt
Your head just right
And look at my wrist
In just the right light
You can distinguish
A few white lines
The last that were
Placed there
So the few that remain
Visible to the naked eye
They are so small
Hardly visible
Certainly not to most
But this is my arm
That I have spent
A decade or so
Tearing apart
And then watching
Despite all I do
Slowly knit itself
Back together
I guess, in a way
As I do - only with
Less of a struggle
And a fight because
Nature's way
Is of light and healing
Not darkness and
Screaming, so
My point is that
Even blind I would
Know this skin
These tiny blemishes
I forged in me
I know them and
Remember them
Each intimately
Their pattern is
Like the colour of
My eyes which
I recognise as mine
When I see them
In a mirror or
Window pane
My arm with
Sleeve raised
Is signifying my identity
Almost more than
My face
Sometimes I think
And though
Those wounds have
Closed now
Turned into ragged
Things then
Smooth and shiny
I still know them
I can recall their birth
Their design and
Position like
It was just yesterday
Though some of those
I can still determine
In the mangled skin
Of my left limb
Are as old as three
Or four years now
An eternity
For me and my
Bleeding torn flesh
So though you may
Look or investigate
Even under
A microscope
My wrist will refuse
To reveal all it's secrets
That it hides
Locked within
Until you give up
And look into
My eyes instead
And ask the questions
Of my mind and my lips
Answer you
With more riddles
And secret wishes
Because what happened
What I did
These memories
Are a precious tormenting
Cursed gift
That I would never ever
Share because
I would hurt you
And I would never disclose
Because they are mine
And I am theirs
They own me more
Than I possess them
The recollection of dark
Blood and shining blades
Has a grip on my soul
Every day
So examine my wrist
Draw your own
Foolish conclusion
Be incorrect
Make assumptions
I won't correct you
Nor blame your ambitions
I have my own
After all
So go ahead
Raise my sleeve
And drink your fill
Of my misdeeds
Until you're bloated
With indignation and
Righteous concern or
Even maybe anger
Learn every inch
Of my scars
And still
You will never know
Never understand
The person who made
Them and who
Misses the scars
That used to
Extend from
Hand to elbow
Now washed away
Unless you look closely
Really focus
And ask me what
I would like to say
Chapter 340: Social Butterfly 🦋
Chapter Text
So I left my room
My cocoon, today
With the intention
To make friends
As they say
Be sociable
Be a real butterfly
But as I stepped
Across this
Threshold
Something
In me died
The part that
Knows how to
Speak and listen
That understands
When to be silent
Or expressive
And the battery
The energy
Within me that
Can deal with
Other people
Had been
Unplugged
Somewhere along
The walk to here
So now I sit
In the corner
Watching from
The outside as
Various persons
Make forays
Towards me
But respect how
I do not reciprocate
Even though
I came here
With the best of
Intentions
I have failed
To complete
Even one
But still, I will not
Just get up
And walk away
Abandon this
Attempt to be
A human being
Today, because
Maybe my luck
Or more realistically
My brain chemistry
Will magically
Alter and change
You never know
Chapter 341: Snowed In Tonight
Chapter Text
I've got do much restless energy
I want to take a walk in the snow
But it's mostly ice now and the
Night has fallen totally with
The bitter wind as well
It would be ill-advised
Which I suppose is
Why I want to do
It so much and
Why also that
I never must
Walk in the
Snow with
No coat
Nor
Shoes
Nor socks
Just me and
The elements
All wintry and bleak
Tell me that doesn't seem
Exciting and invigorating to you
Because it certainly does to me but
I promised in as many words not to go
Out again tonight as the risk of slipping over
And hurting myself is high with no one to know
No one to care or help me get up again or to call
For assistance but to that I say what is the difference
When I fall any other day and am alone until I can
Rise and stand once more then is tonight not
A danger I know well and accept forthright
I know how this will play out you see
And if I'm being honest it is that
Which beckons and so much
Is enticing to me, to be able
To get hurt and it all just
Be am accident with
No blame or shame
Simply sounds like
Heaven to my
Ears now
When I
Must
Stay
Inside
Chapter 342: Forgive My Heroine
Chapter Text
It was just a simple
Uber ride so that
I don't have to wait
In the freezing cold
And grey slushy snow
A simple gesture of
Kindness you know
But now you are
My heroine nothing
You can do about it
I will not forget just
As I will not forget
If you slight me or
Smite me either
But I'm sure I'll still
Forgive you for it
All the same...
Chapter 343: Cemented Lips
Chapter Text
I have so many words
So many thoughts
I really want to share
Even when I doubt them
But I am shut up and
Silenced with a key
So that my own
Cemented lips
Are closed today
Chapter 344: Kite
Chapter Text
I am a kite
Caught in a fierce breeze
And unless someone
Can catch my strings
I will float away on the wind
I fashioned ropes to
Tie me down and bind me
To the ground but
You unpick the knots
I’ve forged in panic
And allow me to fly again
But I don’t need to soar
I need to fall and fall hard
To land next to you here
Because otherwise I’m gone
Somewhere no one ever
Wants to be found nor
Ever truly escapes from
I fight to get my feet to rest
On the dirt and in the grass
But even as my fingers
Scrabble for a hold
I am weightless
Losing my grip entirely
And I am a prisoner
Of this tempest again
My methods to stay
Might seem harsh to you
Or in vain it seems so often
But I can’t just do nothing
I can’t just watch the world
Fade away before my eyes
And stay silent even though
The gale whips away my words
Before anyone can hear them
Chapter 345: As Me As I Can Be
Notes:
This is very raw poetry here. I was stuck in a shutdown and couldn't communicate any other way. This right here, word for word unaltered, is what I showed the paramedics that were called!
Chapter Text
I'm sorry
I'm okay
I just want to be outside
It's nice
And alive
Everything feels alive
Like nature's last hurrah
Before winter
I'm okay
I'm just not masking
This is the raw me
Also the head shake is a stim
I'm okay
Maybe tired
And I haven't eaten today
But I've been staying close
Not wandering off
I'm okay
But cannot do words right now
No speaking
That part has been disconnected
I've reverted to non verbal
If you want to hear me speak
That's going to be a while
Unfortunately
At the moment
All I need is stimulation
To fuel my brain
If I stop moving
If I stay inside
Away from everything alive
It's hard
And that can be really bad
Dangerous bad
Even if you think
If I'm outside or like this
I'm also in danger
Even if I can't perceive it
I do trust you
Except not much can replace that
Energy to my brain and
I know you think it's cold
But I don't think it is
But then my brain is only processing
About half of everything right now
So might be good idea
To repeat what you say
I might miss it
But I'm okay
This is just me
Sorry
For causing trouble
Or any worry?
Okay?
Chapter 346: Firebreaks In My Head
Chapter Text
There is some disconnect
Between my brain and mouth
The words flow partway
And then are stopped
By a dam of some kind
There is a missing step
In the ladder I must climb
To get from what I need to do
And how to do it, in my head
Something is not there
There is a firebreak
Between my stresses
And me feeling them
It is my sanity and
And my destruction
There is a flaw
In the logic that states
I must be shielded from all
That I can defend myself
By withdrawing somehow
In staying silent – by hiding
In the quiet stillness
That is created by the
Disconnected and missing
Firebreaks in my head.
Chapter 347: My Brain's Magic Trick
Chapter Text
My brain is trying to hide from itself
Which is an impressive feat, when it can manage it
See, like we all do when we want to pretend
That no one’s home – it has turned off all the lights
And locked all the doors that exist in there
Barricaded itself into a corner like a caged animal
Ready to attack or flee in terror at any breach
Of the walls and defences it has constructed.
Chapter 348: The Pipe Metaphor
Summary:
A little insight into my inner workings.
Chapter Text
So imagine that my mind
Is like a network of drain
A hundred pipes all interconnected
Running all over the place
In a seeming tangled mess
But there is order and
A system within the chaos
But for each of these pipes
There is an entry point
An input point where
Water, or information,
Gains access to the system
Or in this case, my brain
This can be sensory data
Or empirical or otherwise
But since none of the pipes
Are colour-coded or if
They are then I am colour-blind
I often don’t know what
Information is flowing
Along them, I have to guess
So say that there are 100
Entrances, then there are
Also 100 exit points too
And each one empties
Into a single room or brain cell
It has a drain of course
But a small one that
Takes time to filter everything
And each room has a capacity
It can only take so much
Before its pipe gets
Backed up and overspills
This causes real problems
And the reason this happens
Usually is down to the fact
That by this estimate
There are 200 data points
And the metaphor follows
That I only have the materials
For 75 ‘hatches’ to cover
And block off these points
That is not nearly enough
To avoid overspills and havoc
So my brain is constantly
Rushing around all the pipes
Moving a blockade from
One point to another
For instance, say the room
Processing noise is full up
Then I can place a hatch
Over the pipe leading there
Or I could move one to
The input pipe that is
Bringing in the audio data
Because I certainly don’t
Have enough to spare
To do both or often even
To cover just one, so that
Means I have to unblock
Another point, say the
Part that is blocking all
The sewage from reaching
Critical areas of thinking
And I don’t want to do that
So sometimes the best
Solution is to multi-task
Place a strategic blockade
In a single point that will
Cover as many bases as possible
But this may also block off
Signals that are pretty critical
Say the pipe that connects
My thoughts to my mouth
And allows me to speak
On other occasions, when
Things are really bad
My hatches break open
And the floodgates are
Thrown open wide and
I am drowning until
One by one I build
Myself a barrier and
Barricade myself in
Amongst the chaos
Slowly advancing out
To conquer my ability
To walk and talk or
Even breathe once more
And it takes so long
To start from scratch
I’m getting better at it
Just from all the practice
I’ve had but that doesn’t
Mean it isn’t difficult
With skills and healthy habits
I can gain up to 100 hatches
Doors that can be opened
Or closed to keep me safer
But I will never have enough
To cover every pipeline
To give me complete
Control over my own brain
And body and life
Because that’s not how
This system was designed
You can argue that that’s
A flaw perhaps but
Honestly without these
Chaotic pipes and daily
Calamity then my life
And my brain would be
Pretty boring, don’t you think?
Chapter 349: I Have To Wonder
Chapter Text
I have to wonder
How long I can
Keep this up
I like to think
That I’m resilient
I’ve been through
A lot and survived
Before now but
I have to wonder
Where the line is
And how will I know
When I have crossed
It and enough is
Enough: I’m done
I have often thought
I’d reached it already
I have to wonder
If when I get there
Will I have peace
And relief at last
Will I make the choice
Take the step to
End it all and be glad
Not scared as I am not
I have to wonder
How many more
Nights can I not sleep
Evenings so awake
And feeling everything
Or close to sleep
Dead inside but
Never gaining peace
I have to wonder
How many times
Can I fall down and
Still manage to get
Back up again
Because so many
Times have I fallen
And simply wept
I have to wonder
Because that makes
Me human, I reckon
To ponder my existence
My future, past and present
To wonder where
I’m going and what
Will happen then
I have to wonder
Chapter 350: Testing Bonds
Chapter Text
I want to test
That you actually care
Because I doubt it
Whenever I don't
Hear it explicitly said
But the problem isn't
That maybe you don't
Instead the issue comes
From how I care too
Much to be able to test
Or trial our separation
I can't bear to be away
For long enough that
You might notice how
I'm not with you...
Chapter 351: Safe
Chapter Text
I'm safe enough
Right now, tonight.
But 'safe' is a
Relative term.
I'm safer than I am
Sometimes, but
Not as safe as I
Might be others.
That's not really
Very reassuring
Is it? Though
The logic is
Hard to deny.
Chapter 352: Don't Come To Hell
Chapter Text
You must always make the first step.
I will never reach out to take a hand
That isn't reaching for me first
Because it is my greatest fear and nightmare
That when I fall you will cling on and
I will drag you down to hell along with me.
Chapter 353: Plasters On Knuckles
Chapter Text
I've never had anyone
Try to put plasters
On my hands after
I've cut up my knuckles
When I hit the wall
So thank you
Chapter 354: Be Selfish, And Run
Chapter Text
I'm trying, right now
To work up the courage
To get and just walk away
Because I don't want
To hurt you but you
Make me feel safer
And the battle to be
Selfish is tearing
Apart my soul
Chapter 355: All Bets Are Off
Chapter Text
Sometimes I place my bets
On that my brain will tire
Of seeing blood and flee
Or that the complusion
To mark my skin is done
By simple scratches and
Means I can't cut into
Already damaged things
Because right now
All bets are off
And I am trying
Everything I can
I scratch and
Bleed and scream
But until I weep
This will be
All meaningless
It seems
Chapter 356: Bargains
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I've struck a bargain with myself
That this has got to be enough
The torn bruised knuckles
From where a wall stood
Solid and still against my
Flying fist and my hand was
Dashed against those rocks
By a stormy sea in my mind
The burning but quickly fading
Red, pink and white lines
From where I dragged my nails
Across the flat unprotesting
Defenceless plains of my skin
Again and again, as demanded of me
The still-tender point on
My forehead where I struck it
So many times until the
World was spinning and my
Stomach along with it, that
Now riots if I poke and prod it
I've struck a bargain with myself
That this has got to be enough
Notes:
I struck a bargain with myself
Because I could not make
One with you and both of us
Still walk out of this 'okay'
Chapter 357: I Get It
Chapter Text
It's okay
I get it
I've been
A problem
All my life
This is how
My world
Works, I
Exist as
An issue
To be handed
Off to
Someone
As soon
As possible
I get that
It's okay
I've been
Causing
Trouble
All week
I understand
The need
To distance
And pass
Over that
Duty to
Deal with
My shit
It's fine
I get it
If I could
Skip dealing
With it too
I would
So it's fine
That you did
That you
Have done
It's okay
I get it
Just warn
Me next
Time? If
You want.
Just don't be
A hypocrite
And say you'll
Be there or
That you care
When we
Both know
You don't
Chapter 358: Motivations.
Chapter Text
An elastic band
Snapped against
The wrist is all
About control
It's regular and
Ritual - a pattern
Of injury and
Equivalent pain
Punching a wall
Is about anger
Or rage or even
Frustration, it's
A vent for emotion
That cannot be
Properly dealt
With or really felt
But both express
Self-loathing, not
Always obviously
But to do damage
To yourself so
Callously is clear
To reflect on your
Own self-worth.
Chapter 359: I feel...
Chapter Text
What is it even
To feel 'okay'?
Not even happy
I know that is
Not my way.
But just 'okay'.
'Fine' or 'alright'.
Because you
Ask me and
I have no answer.
Because I may
Be better this
Night than the
Last but does
That make me
'Okay' tonight?
I have utterly
Lost my perspective.
My view of
Joy is obsolete.
You ask and
My answer
Is always
'No.' with a
Shrug or sad
Smile to make
The reply complete.
So if I will
Never be 'okay'
Again. Does
That mean you
Should stop
Asking such
Questions of me?
Or does the
Repeated queries
Imply a hope
For my wellbeing
That any logic
Or sanity deems
Ill-advised or
Outright crazy.
If so I thank
You for the question
But apologise for
My answer.
I cannot help
But shrug my
Weary shoulders
When all I feel
Is not much of
Anything - not
Nothing at all
Though, since
I do know how
That feels. So
I suppose the
Best guess that
I can offer you
Is in fact: 'I feel'.
Chapter 360: Words.
Chapter Text
My entire existence is words
Constructing them, even
Deconstructing them and
Scattering them in my path
Like withered crumpled leaves
I arrange them and create
Rules about them in my head
They are all I see when I
Close my eyes and dream
Words and letter and phrases
Dance across my mind
Day and night. My existence
Is built upon my words and
The words of others of course.
So when that arrangement
Is damaged, when conversation
Is under threat and my words
Cannot be offered in response
To ones that have been said
That fractures my whole world
Calls everything I understand
Into question and my only
Answer the words stuck
In my head can give me is
You're broken and you're dead
Chapter 361: Pace
Chapter Text
You can tell a lot
About a person
By how they walk.
A fast hurried pace
Says excitement
Or nervousness
Fear or anxiety
But a hurried stride
Back and forth in
A line, wearing a path
In the ground says
They are lost in their mind
A slow ambling pace
Says contentment
Even peace and
Relaxation or calm
But an unhurried
Steady plod or trot
Says so much more
It implies fear but
Also low energy too
I can tell a lot
About my mood
From how I walk
Chapter 362: Weekdays
Chapter Text
Monday I gave myself a concussion
From hitting my head against a tree
Tuesday I used an elastic band
On my wrist, quite liberally
Wednesday I punched walls a lot
And chewed up all my knuckles
Thursday I walked out in front of a car
But they swerved in time 'luckily'
Friday is today and given the week I've had
It seems there is little hope today or tonight
That I will, by chance, escape unscathed
Chapter 363: Care Enough
Chapter Text
I don't care that you don't care
Just please pretend long enough
To not leave me alone right now
Chapter 364: Define: Care
Chapter Text
I'd be interested to know
What your definition of
'Caring' actually is since
You say that you 'care'
And do nothing to show
This fact, in fact, all your
Actions prove the contrary
To be true, that you do
Not 'care' about me, or
Do you think that you do?
Chapter 365: Every time
Chapter Text
Every time I think that this time will be different
Every time I fall for your sweet voice and smile
Every time I forgive all the hurt you've caused and
Every time I know it will all go wrong again
Every time I believe the words that you're saying
Every time I lie to myself that you actually care
Every time I can laugh and pretend along with you
Every time I end up right back here crying again
Every time I trust that you want what is best for me
Every time I am honest about how I am feeling
Every time I watch you ignoring me and hide away
Every time I wait here as you run away again
Chapter 366: I Dream Of Love
Chapter Text
Why is it that every night
I run back into arms that
Just push me away fast
Or hold me down all night
And I end up hating them
Either way, yet every night
I can't get here quick enough
Despite the tears stains
On my sleeves, still damp
From the night before
Naively and blithely I go
Into the mouth of hell
As a willing wanting soul
Until I am so tired and
So very cold that I fall
Asleep forever and dream
About those arms that
I can never reach to get
Them to hold me like
I so desperately want
They are like ghosts
Or phantom shadows
I pass through them
Like they are made of
Mist and empty air
And I remain alone
With just my drying
Tears to touch my skin.
Chapter 367: The True Solution
Chapter Text
They can't do anything!
No one can help me!
I don't even know why
I come to you either!
I am broken
In a way that
Can't be fixed
I am a flawed
Being, made
Incorrectly
Put together
Wrong somehow
This is my life
This is what
It's like, what
It will always
Be like. In time
If I try hard
Enough maybe
Some things
Could get
Better but
This is me
This is how
I am, and
That cannot
Be changed
Cannot be
Fixed or sorted
Out in some
Way like with
Magical know-how
I am like this
Forever my
Life will be
This way and
I am just so
Done with my
Brain that just
Has to do
Everything it's
Own special way.
I hate it, I hate
Myself so much
I can taste it
I just want this
To be over please
So don't try to
Fix what is the
True Solution.
Chapter 368: When You Greet Me
Chapter Text
When you greet me
And we haven't spoken
In a about a month
And my only comment
On my life right now
Is to offer you a list
A catalogue of injuries
From just this week
What part of that says
To you that I am 'okay'?
Chapter 369: Anger Is The Emotion I Know Least
Chapter Text
I do know the answer
To all this self-inflicted
Damage and anger
At the world but mostly
At myself. I've just been
So frustrated with my
Brain and body - I hate
Them both so much
At the moment and
This internal rage, that
I am poorly equipped
To deal with, spills out
Onto my relationships
And into conversations
That should not be had
While so enraged yet
They have been had
And all that's left is
More anger and hatred
To join the buckets of
Regret and hurt that
Have just joined the party.
Chapter 370: If you want to truly know me...
Chapter Text
If you want to truly know me
Just read my poems
I am so honest here that
It tears at my own heart
When I read these again
I remember the times
The pain, the struggle and strife
That forged those words
In the fires of my soul
To create diamonds and
Weapons of Damascus steel
So if you want to truly know me
Just start scrolling then
Pick a poem and start reading
Chapter 371: Reflected
Chapter Text
I am a mirror
All my actions
Even my emotions
Are simply
Reflections of
Those around me
My teachers worry
So I must worry too
They ask if I am sad
So I must be sad
Because that is
What they think I am
And it is not as simple
As wanting to please
Them or fulfill their view
There is no conscious
Choice made, no logic
Just twisted instinct
And when I am alone
I feel nothing at all
From songs of passion
Or movies of action
I garner emotion and
Can feel something
But alone, with no
Reflections there is nothing
I align to how another
Texts me, notes
Without realising
Which emoji they favour
Then employ them
In the conversation
Where did I learn this?
And why do I do it?
Being tired makes me a sponge
My views of myself
My figure and form
I integrate from
What I perceive
Others are thinking
Chapter 372: Friend Or Not
Chapter Text
Sometimes you act like my friend
Or at least display the cues that
I have been told show friendship
But other times we are strangers
In the same room with barely
The acknowledgement the other
Person is even there, or at least
You don’t seem to acknowledge me
Not that I need you to validate
My existence, but it is confusing
I understand there are lines and
Boundaries to be maintained
There always are and will be
But unless someone tells me
This is how its going to be now
How am I supposed to know
Do I guess or should I ask
Because whenever I try to
Voice my misunderstanding
More follows and now we are
Both puzzled at how this works
You are staff but you are a student
But are you a student all the time
Because I know you are not
Always staff, but are you a student
Still though you are staff right now
Can you understand how easily
I misunderstand when the rules
Seem so quick and easily changed
Without being told, I am supposed
To just know and abide by them
Even when the situation is altered
With some innate ability or
Psychic knowledge I must adapt
And accept that you are not a
Friend right now, or ever, despite
Your actions sometimes showing
That you are a friend to me but
Not right now because something
I do not see but everyone else
For some reason can see plainly
Something is different and I don’t
Know what – is it me? Is this my fault?
Chapter 373: They Don't Care
Chapter Text
I can't kill myself
By punching a wall
There's an implicit
Line of danger there
That hasn't yet
Been crossed, it seems
So they don't care
I can't kill myself
By punching a wall
If I were cutting
It would be a
Different story, I know
But I'm not right now
So they don't care
I can't kill myself
By punching a wall
So there's nothing
They are willing to do
To try and help, like
Simply asking me
Because all know that
They don't care.
Chapter 374: Some Shit...
Chapter Text
I’m just dealing with some shit.
I really hate myself at the moment
I’m not sure why exactly but
It just sort of crept up on me
I’d learned to, if not love at least
Tolerate my flaws and issues
See the things that make me
So unique as positives instead
I did, anyway – past tense there
But right now all the frustration
About my brain and my body
Have been bottled up so long
And stewing they’ve morphed
Pretty strongly into self-loathing
Which I have skills and techniques
To manage, I’ve done it before
But it takes adjustment to my
Mind’s new target and the
Damage has arguably already
Been done so I really hate
Myself right now – I am broken
My brain is broken and wrong
And maybe that’s not true
But it’s how I see it, here and now
They say beauty is in the eye
Of the beholder and you know
What, ugliness is too – I am
Ugly and broken and flawed
And people don’t ever see me
They just see a problem to
Be fixed, they try to fix things
Make everything better but
What they are actually doing
Is trying to put together pieces
That were doomed from the start
To never form a complete
Picture, a whole person – because
I am not, I am scatters and
Tatters of humanity tied together
With scraps of creative thought
And I am barely holding it
Together any more, I am flawed
And I am worthless even if
I could be sorted out and
Bandaged up because my past
Scars leave their marks deep
In my essence and I am done
With being one more tick box
On a list of potential blood-stains
For a system that won’t
Let me breathe or reach out
A flailing limb to catch myself
Before I fall instead of after
I might be broken and not
Worth any time or effort
To spend saving someone
Who is clearly already a lost
Cause, but I will strive and
Fight for my survival in a world
That wants to put me down
Because if there’s anything
That can motivate my crusted
Dying heart it’s spite, and
Spite makes the world go round.
Chapter 375: Execute A Plan & Do Not Fail
Chapter Text
I have no desire to fail
Not only because I want
To succeed in killing myself
But because if I think my life
Right now is hell, then after
Trying to commit suicide
You can bet it will be worse
The things they'll do and
What people will say...
This fear and reluctance
Might seem comforting
If you have any doubts
Of my ability to make a
Plan and execute it...
Chapter 376: I Dreamt A Dream Of Dreaming Dreams
Chapter Text
I settle down
Tuck myself in
Have the blankets
Arranged just so
I lay my head
Onto my pillow
It is soft and cool
My hair splays
Across it's expanse
And tickles my neck
I stare unseeing
Up into the darkness
Eyes seeking out
A ceiling they
Cannot possibly see
I close them once
Twice, three times
In a row but the
Blackness seems
The same somehow
I wrap my arms
Around my torso
Feeling every bone
And bulge and
I grip tightly to
My own skin so
That I feel something
Beyond the smooth
Sheets and chill air
I shuffle my feet
Adjust their position
Under the layers
Or sticking out
Beyond their reach
Neither soothes me
Nor feels calming
I roll over and tuck
One beneath it's
Partner and twist
My knees together
My arms come to
Rest snuggling
Beside my cheek
So that if I stretch
Out a fingertip
It grazes my nose
And my eyelashes
Flutter against
The creases of my palm
I have a bear here
Old and worn and
Loved dearly that
It stays by my side
Even here and now
I crush it close and
Align it with my
Body or I with its
I can no longer tell
It's fur is fuzzy
Almost itchy but
Comforting in how
It is known and
Remember even so
Far from home as
It seems I am now
In a bed all on my
Own though others
Sleep soundly in
Thousands of rooms
Beyond doors and
Corridors around
This one I claim
As my own where
I try to sleep even
Half as peacefully
As most of them
Seem to manage
I know somewhere
Else in this complex
Of complex people
There will be another
Probably many
Who are like me and
Is awake when the
Night is waning
And all should be
Asleep but I am
So awake though
I long for the sweet
Release of rest
It does not come
For me or for those
Like me who lie
Staring at the dark
Like they can see
Faces and shapes
And places and
People and lifetimes
And memories in
The blank slate when
They close their
Eyes and dream
Dream with a mind
That's wide awake
Since when has
Such a little detail
As consciousness
Stopped a truly
Creative brain from
Dreaming as I dream
Now of being alive.
Chapter 377: Twice The Same
Chapter Text
Nothing ever happens the same way twice
No dream or conversation can ever be repeated
Done over, tried again, fixed once it has occurred
Savour each moment before it is over
You might never know which moments are dreams
That can never happen the same way again
It's what I wish I'd have done...
Chapter 378: Cracked Apart
Chapter Text
It was fine
I held it back
I kept safe
All evening
Until 2am
When my
Whole world
Cracked
It fell apart
Two halves
That were
Once whole
Two pieces
Of a ceramic
Heart lay in
My shaking
Palms as I
Tried to align
Break to break
And match up
The jagged
Edges that
Used to exist
As smooth
Unbroken
Porcelain, now
Shattered into
Divided parts
The gaps between
The zigzag line
Of destruction
Too much for
Anyone to bear
Including me
Chapter 379: Brain Signals
Chapter Text
I swear that
I can feel
Where my
Muscle attaches
To my bones
And every layer
Of skin that
Covers them
And flexes
When my
Neurons send
The signal
Chapter 380: I'm Doomed
Chapter Text
Life or Fate or God
Or the Universe
Whatever you
Want to call it
Hates me.
My evidence?
I survive one
Of my worst
Nights ever
By tricking
My brain into
Sleeping at
9 o'clock
Instead of 2am
With one of
The oldest
Tricks in the
Book and
It worked
I slept so well
Until 4am
When the
Fire alarm
Went off
And I got
To spend
Half an hour
In the freezing
Cold outside
After a major
Panic attack
And general
Freak out that
I had to manage
Alone because
No one cares
About anything
But their bed
At 4am it seems
Everyone but me
Because I'm
Still awake
And I reckon
I will be until
The dawn arrives
And this day
This wretched
Doomed day
Officially begins...
Chapter 381: I Am More
Chapter Text
I am more than my Autism
I am more than my Anxiety
I am more than my Depression
I am more than my Suicidal Thoughts
I am more than my Self-Harm
I am more than my Sleep Schedule
I am more than my Eating Habits
I am more than my Grades
I am more than my Social Life
I am more than my Age
I am more than my Race
I am more than my Gender
I am more than my Face
I am more than my Tears
I am more than my Fears
I am more than my Poems
I am more than you can imagine
I am more
I am me
Chapter 382: I Don't Need To Be Fixed
Chapter Text
I don't need to be fixed
I don't need to be solved
I don't need to be mended
I don't need to be whole
I just need to be listened to
I just need to be heard
I just need to breathe now
I just need to feel the cold
I just need to be sad sometimes
I just need to be angry
I just need to be glad
On the occasions I can be
I don't need to be mended
I just need to live how I live
I don't need to be appreciated
I just need to be valid
I don't need to be solved
Like a puzzle game to occupy you
To make you happy and fulfilled
By putting my world the 'right' way up
I don't need to be told
How to live my own life
I don't need to be fixed
I just need to be loved
Chapter 383: Flee
Chapter Text
Why can't anyone understand?
That to turn tail and run home
Is admitting defeat: I should
Be able to do this, alone
To survive - who am I kidding
I never just want to live
I have to thrive, all the time
To prove that my continued
Existence is worthwhile...
And part of me is scared
That if I leave, go home
To where I am so safe
And loved: that I will
Never return and then
I really will have failed
Chapter 384: Cynical World
Chapter Text
So I might be a cynic
But the perfect world
Does not exist and
You are not as helpful
As you seem to think
Don't ask me what
To change in a system
That is a house of cards
With no intentions of
Aiding the rebuilding
But to just stand there
And watch it all fall
This is how it is so
Please don't be cruel
And tempt me with
Unattainable dreams
Wishes and fairytales
I know reality is harsh
But I wonder if you do
Chapter 385: How Do You Know?
Chapter Text
How do you know
You can’t make it better?
How can it possibly
Hurt to simply try ?
How do you know
When a casual conversation
Might mean the difference
Between living or dying?
How do you know
That a few kind words
Can’t change a life
Until you speak them?
How do you know
Until you try?
Step out of the comfort zone
And learn to fly...
Chapter 386: Food Is A Friend
Chapter Text
Food is a friend to me
Right now, instead
Of an enemy to me
I savour the sweetness
Of chocolate melting
On my tongue and
The crisp sharp taste
As I bite an apple
The bubbles of a soda
As they tickle my nose
And throat and stomach
The smooth earthy
Flavour of strong cheese
Food is a friend to me
And I love it so much
For right now
Chapter 387: Weird Healing
Chapter Text
My hands are at
A weird stage of
Their healing
The scabs are
Thick and deep
They itch but
I cannot break
Nor tear them
Open to the
Elements entirely
But portions
I flake off or rip
And they hurt
But no longer
Actively ache
So that I can
Forget for a
Moment the
Aging wounds
Exist except
The simplest of
Things reminds me
Like twisting a
Finger at the
Wrong angle or
Flexing a joint
Just so or if I
Catch or brush
My knuckle
Against cloth or
Skin or clothes
I am painfully
Aware of the
Healing injuries
More than if
I just gaze at
Them as I often
Seem to now
I take photos
Multiple times
A day and flick
Back through these
On my phone
Observing how
They have healed
Closed and sewn
Back together
All on their own
Despite how I
Interrupt their
Quiet workings
They are still
Tender to the touch
But then again
That is entirely
My own fault so
I can hardly complain
That my hands
Are hurting when
It was me that
Hurt them in the
First place so
Now they are at
That weird stage
Of healing I need
To let them continue
To completion until
They are pink skin
And nothing more
Than scars and
Maybe memories
No longer sore
I just need to wait
Just a little more
Chapter 388: Walk The Ledge
Chapter Text
I kinda feel like
I'm walking along
A cliff top edge
And the slightest
Slip or misstep
Could make me
Fall to my doom
Or worse my death
And I'll be fine
I'm good, really
I just need to
Keep my balance
Up here on this
Treacherous ledge
And that takes so
Much concentration
But I can do it, okay
I'm certain since I must
Because what is this life
Without the constant
And reliable risk of death?
Chapter 389: Predicted
Summary:
You realise I predicted the evening to the letter?
Chapter Text
The revelation
The overreaction
The partnering-up
The walk back to reception
The calling the blue shirt
The calling of security
The uselessness of security
The hovering of security
The being ignored by all
The being sat alone all night
The continued punching of walls
The crying and self-hatred
The sneaking out the back
The walking home alone
The simple delayed end result
The shit night as a whole
Chapter 390: My Stomach, The Enigma
Chapter Text
So my stomach is back to
Playing its cruel game with me
And decided to start
Encrypting all messages
It sends up to my brain
Only I don’t have an enigma
Machine to decode them
So I end up perpetually confused
On whether I should eat or not
Risking what feels like being sick
It’s currently tightening and
Constricting like a knot inside
Or attempting to crawl out
Up my throat into the world
What an escape plan that is
But I have to just stop for a second
And do the math to realise
Its been twelve hours since
I’ve eaten so it’s probably just
Empty and sad, not vengeful
Chapter 391: Walk In The Rain
Chapter Text
I force myself to walk
Through the freezing rain
As a punishment to me
Until my eyes are streaming
And inside I'm screaming
Not because of but in
Spite of all my pain
Chapter 392: A Video I Made
Chapter Text
I made a YouTube video
Of everything I could not say
It is made from my anger
From my grief and pain
It is stitched together with
Blood-stained words and
Filled with tearstained
Images until there is
Nothing left for me to scream
Into the void of the internet
And yet it is beautiful
It gives me hope and soothes
My aching heart, my
Weeping thoughts are calmed
By watching picture after
Picture slide past my
Weary but wary eyes
And it is a story of life
Love and death - aren't we all?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GZrg7wT-s4
Chapter 393: Early New Year For Me
Chapter Text
I needed the realisation
To galvanise me into action
Without it this would carry on
Going through the motions
Pretending to cope and live
It was necessary to see
That they are not here for me
They are here for themselves
For their jobs and their role’s
To stop me doing the ‘worst’
At all costs but they could not
Care less about what that
Could actually cost me
I need to take a step, any step
In either direction but
I must stop sitting on the fence
Like I have been for months now
I have to decide, right this minute
Do I live and work to thrive?
Or do I give up and likely die?
I choose life because it’s Christmas
And I will not be alone then
I have a month, a month to reset
Rethink and renew and when
The New Year starts again
I will be ready to thrive
At least as far as they know
I will keep on pretending
Just do a better job – sign up
For therapy or boxing or
Whatever will get it done
I will eat as healthily as I can
I will walk and and jog and run
But I will not make the same
Mistakes again and let them in
I needed this realisation
And I have learned the truth
In trusting them and believing
I am doomed to never breathe
For myself, I don’t want my lungs
To belong to another body
I want to own my soul and
Write my own words, to find
My life and live it how I want
If that is selfish then leave
Right now, because I will fight
I swear this now. I will fight.
Fight to live or die on my terms
Butt out of my business it is
None of yours, let me decide
I am an adult, it is my right.
I will carry on next year but
For now I have the holidays
To sleep through. Goodnight.
Chapter 394: Trick Of The Light
Chapter Text
It was a trick of the light
I know it, it can’t be real
I check and look again
Twist my arm and gaze
Upon my bare skin
Staring so hard I am
Surprised it doesn’t buckle
But those marks are gone
As I thought them to be
Until in a flash of motion
I saw them there once more
Staining my skin in rhythm
A sequence of contusions
Marching old pain across
My wrist’s smooth land
They can’t still be there
It has been weeks and
I doubt I did enough
Damage with only a
Single simple rubber band
The bruises have healed
Faded away like the
Thoughts that made me
Make them as I did
I understand they will
Return one day soon
And the bruises too
But right now I have
To believe it wasn’t true
It was a trick of the light
Because I am healed
Because I am made new
Chapter 395: Nature (Guided By Seneca)
Chapter Text
If ever you come across
A grove thick with ancient trees
Rising to block out the sky
With their intertwined branches
Lofty above your head
In that secluded space
Your wonder at the unbroken shade
In the middle of an open space
Will create a sense of the divine
If you happen upon a cave
Made by the deep erosion
Of rocks underneath a mountain
That supports its weight with an arch
A place not made by human hands
But hollowed out by natural causes
Into a wide open spaciousness
Then your mind will be filled with awe
If you manage to locate the source
Of a mighty life-giving river then
Venerate that space and build an altar
Where so great a stream gushes forth
From a hidden and secret place
Worship the hot springs and sacred lakes
Of dark and immeasurable depths
(Seneca the Younger, Letters, 41.3)
Chapter 396: The Greatest Risk
Chapter Text
The greatest risk
And the moment
Of greatest strength
For any one of us
It to be seen as
We truly are...
The real versions
Nothing can be
As dangerous or
Terrifying and yet
There are those
Rare few that the
Rest of us can
Never quite determine
If they are insane
Or the smartest
Of us all but they
Just live their
True selves all the time
While we all strive
To hide as best we can
Chapter 397: Shower
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I'm at that point where
I'm too tired to do more
Than the basic functions
While I work on this essay
I am eating at least so
Small victories and all that
But hygiene unfortunately
Went out the window
A few days ago and now
I just trot from desk to bed
And back again each day
I haven't showered in a while
And I'm starting to feel it
If you know what I mean
But my problem isn't that
I can't face it or don't want to
Like I don't have the energy
To just get up and stand there
Honestly I wish that were true
My fear right now is actually
I will get in that warm water
More soothing than anything
Else I have to offer my brain
My exhausted frazzled brain
And I will never want to leave
Notes:
But my drain has a habit
Of not draining recently...
Chapter 398: What I Tell Myself
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
'Soon I will be home again and
Then everything will be okay'
I tell myself every minute that I lie awake
Staring at the darkness with no escape
Notes:
It is my hope at least that
I will re-learn how to pretend
To be alright; ready for when
I'm back here in this hell
Chapter 399: Have Hope
Chapter Text
If you are lacking
In some hope now
You can always
Borrow some of mine
I happen to have
A few extra spoonfuls
That I can spare
And still remain
Safe and alive without
So please take them
And remember this day
For when I am next
Down the deep dark
Pit of hopelessness
Come together and
Help out a friend in need
Spare a morsel of hope
And I will not forget it
As I give what I can
To you right now
There is always hope though
Sometimes you've got to go
And look for it, it likes to hide
Chapter 400: On A Deathbed
Chapter Text
Have I acted my part
On the stage of life
Well enough for you
To raise your voices
And loud applauses
To this actor’s praise
Suetonius. Augustus. 97.
Chapter 401: Go Home & Be Loved
Chapter Text
I think I've cracked the code
That is my hopeless brain
What I've been missing all
These long desperate months
Is reminders that I am loved
I go looking for it out there
And I found glimpses enough
To show me all I was wishing
I could hold but couldn't have
And it made things worse
The more I searched but
Came up empty-handed
The harder my mind fought
To convince me no one cares
Because the evidence was
Unfortunately in its favour
Now I know it's not true
But my certainty will waver
That's what triggers my waves
Of panic or despair or guilt
Forgetting who I am and
That I have worth for being me
And nothing more or less
I forget that quite often
In the mad rush of student life
Where there's barely chance
To breathe sometimes but
Now I know the key, I can make it
If only I go home more often
Than a month or so between
Visits that reaffirm my self-worth
I should prioritise this more
After all it is worth it, so
Here's my plan: talk to my family
Scary I know, I won't tell them
Everything I think I can offer
Enough empty platitudes about
Good food and proper sleep
To fend off awkward questions
But if I can manage to get a routine
My exhausted brain will love it
It would latch on like a small child
To something bright and sweet
And be happy, or so I think
Chapter 402: STAIRS
Chapter Text
i have always loved stairways
or more specifically sitting in them
to be stationary, waiting, in a place
designed to be a transition and
to be moved through always
yet it makes a surprisingly good
spot to sit, wedged between steps
back against the wall and watching
everyone passing through this
liminal space and by witnessing
in some way it validates all things
as if only when observed does
anything exist, which makes me
invisible and ephemeral while
no one sees me though i see them
Chapter 403: Stressed
Chapter Text
I find it interesting really
How often I underestimate
My ability to be stressed
About the smallest things
And never realise it yet
Seem stressed about
Life changing events but
Actually be totally alright
Let me explain a little
I can usually recognise
If I am overtly stressed
About something...
Rarely can I discern
Exactly what is causing
The waves of anxiety
The sleeplessness and
The general 'not being alright'
But I do pick up on it
But sometimes when
Something important
Is ahead of me, I prepare
And anticipate being
Stressed out about it
And I'm not sure if it's
My preparations that
Make the difference
Although I doubt that
Or if I truly have no clue
What is a source of stress
Because on other occasions
I am so stressed out it hurts
I can physically feel the stress
Building and growing like
Suspense in a badly written film
And I don't like it at all
It's no fun, but I get through it
But then there's those times
Where hindsight is key as
I only recognise that my
Stress levels were through
The roof then because I have
Survived the upcoming event
Or situation causing it, like
I've completed a seminar
On a topic I know little about
Only after the fact, looking back
To I go 'oh that's why!' and facepalm
According to my long held rights
Because okay so every time
I learn a little more of my mind
And maybe next time, should there
Ever be one, I'll see this coming
And prepare and be all good
Maybe. Or maybe not. Because
I never truly know what my brain
Is going to throw at me but then
That's half the fun of living, eh?
Chapter 404: Give A Gift
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I was trying to give you a gift
That’s all, not kill you where you stood
I’m sorry if you don’t trust me anymore
It is my fault, I guess I misunderstood
I hope the one I entrusted it to
Has successfully passed in on now
It’s okay if you hate me or
Are mad at me right now
It doesn’t matter, I still care
Even if I doubt you do too
And if somehow you’re scared
Of little old me, then I am so sorry
For whatever I have done
I just wanted to say goodbye
But if you want our last words
To be angry ones, then fine
I won’t fight, it’s up to you
I leave it in your hands
It is your decision, I don’t
Have the right after everything
I’ve already done to hurt you
Even if I never meant to
I give you this, I surrender this
And so even if our memories
Remain tinged with rage
Please know I’m sorry
And I forgive you anyway
Notes:
And if I still don't understand
Can someone explain to me?
Chapter 405: Consquences
Chapter Text
In all fairness
How have I
Gotten this
Far in life
Without
Learning
One important
Lesson:
That there
Are
Consequences
For your
Actions
And you
Cannot
Undo
What you’ve
Done
Can’t unsay
Those words
That hurt
Someone
Can’t take
Back the
Actions taken
There are
Consequences
And I’m
Just sorry
That it’s
Taken until
Right now
For me to
See that
Chapter 406: Hate to Love; Love to Hate
Chapter Text
Don’t make some
Snide remark since
It will definitely not have
Your intended effect
See I will either take
It completely to heart
And weep over it
For literal days or
I will dismiss it as
Not meant for me
I might not even
Register it has been said
Or sometimes when
My brain is particularly
Fucked up then I will
Do both at the same time
Fighting back and forth
Between trying to blame
Myself and also not having
The evidence to do so
So if you want to hurt me
Or have something that
You really really want to say
Then by all means, honestly
Just say it to my face
Stand there and look me
In the eye and speak clearly
Let there be no mistake
If you want to hurt me
And I have hurt you
Then make it known
I am begging you
Because otherwise
I will never know
That might sound crazy
But I am sincere
And if I haven’t upset
Or angered you lately
Also tell me that as
I might have decided
For some reason or
For some offhand comment
I have totally misunderstood
That you hate me now
And what’s the harm
In telling people that
You actually don’t
Want them to die
Every once in a while
Some of us need some
Reminding, and as
For the rest then
It is never bad to
Tell those you love
That you love them
So I encourage you
To do so. Now
Chapter 407: Hi There
Chapter Text
Hi,
Just to check in.
You don’t
Hate me, right?
I haven’t somehow
Managed to
Piss you off
In the 24hrs
Since last
We spoke
And you
Actually would
Look me
In the face
And talk to me
About silly
Things and
Generally nothing?
Because the way
My luck has
Been going
These past
Few days
I am doubting
My every word
And everyone
Else’s words
I hear as lies
So are we good?
Because I need
To check
Even if the
Answer is ‘yes’
You hate my guts
And wish I was dead
Then fine, okay
But I’d rather know
Hence why
I’m sending this text
Instead of
Staying silent
And watching
Everyone else
Quietly go
Chapter 408: Nightly Options
Chapter Text
Option One
Or A or
Whatever
Is when the
Clock reaches
Eight, Nine
Ten or Eleven
(certainly by
midnight)
At night and
I am feeling
Tired, exhausted
Maybe then
I should go
And sleep
Or at least
Try to
Go lie down
Scroll for
A bit then
Put the
Phone down
And close
My weary
Eyes now
Never mind
All the work
I feel like
I have to
Do right
This minute
I can do that
Tomorrow
And I won’t
Die because
I haven’t
It’ll be okay
I have support
Because I need
To sleep so
That’s what
I’m going to do
Option Two
Or B or… Yeah
My alternative
Is to stay up
Drink tea
Or if I am
Desperate
Then strong
Strong coffee
But keep
Staring at
My laptop screen
Reading words
Typed there
A hundred times
Before I work
Out what
They actually
Say because
I daren’t face
The self-hate
And loathing
That will come
If I actually
Prioritise my
Own needs
Physical or
Emotional
Rather than
Pushing through
Working even
When it makes
No sense
Until I almost
Face plant
My keyboard
Not that I have
Ever done that
Before this
Honest
The music is
Blasting loud
In my ears
Trying to keep
Me awake
More than the
Anxiety and
Fear to fail
Or desperation
To succeed
(It’s harder to
Tell which is
Which anymore)
The deadline isn’t
Even for ages
But if I sleep
And wake up
Tomorrow
Feeling rested
Or even happy
The guilt will
Come rushing in
I know from
Experience
And the next
Night I will
Usually choose
Option B
And keep going
Even when
Ill-advised
So I guess
Option Three
Or C is to
Mix and match
Like my life is
A fucking
Pick 'n' Mix
Of brightly
Coloured sweets
Chapter 409: Time For Restless Sleep
Chapter Text
The night is clear
Stars pepper the sky
Shining clean and
Bright in hope
There are clouds
Of course
But they are patchy
Tumbled and
In disarray
The moon is
Beautiful in
Its imperfection
Not quite full
But somehow
Glowing more
Than it ever would
If it were complete
I can feel every
Strand of hair
On my head is
Pulled taught
Every inch of my skin
Tight over my bones
And muscles
I can feel every
Layer of it
Just lying there
With every intake
Of breath
The tarmac is
Covered by a
Thin layer of moss
Almost invisible
To the eye
Especially at
This time of
Night with only
The streetlights
To light my way
This moss is
Drenched and
Sodden with icy
Water that soaks
Fast through
My thin socks
And burns against
My soles
I breathe in
The night air
And try to
Stay calm
I am alone
Although
I hear the
Screams and
Distant laughter
Of drunken fools
Enjoying their
Lives tonight
Which I do
Honest
Just not like
That and
Not right now
I need to sleep
But I can hear
The roar of traffic
On a road
Far away
Just as I can
Hear the tick
Of a clock
Normally
Company
Close in my ear
My own breath
Is loud as
My heartbeat
In my head
And it echoes
I whisper my thoughts
Aloud but they
Fail to soothe me
As a car thunders
Past outside
My window
The dull whisper
Of its engine
Piercing as
The heat returns
To my body
And I adjust
I ignore the tension
In my stomach
The shakiness
Of my limbs
And the heaviness
Of my head as
I curl into a ball
Braced against
All outside and within
Fighting to be calm
Which makes no sense
I breath again
And concentrate
Think of happy things
Fluffy soothing things
Go fly away with
The fairies or
Dancing elephants
Sail away to a
Land of dreams
Before this
Waking place
Steals you to a
Place of nightmares
And carries you away
Chapter 410: Washing Up
Chapter Text
It's amazing
What you might
Contemplate
At 1 am with
3 week's worth
Of washing up
To get done
Before morning
And when I'm
Finally going
Home tomorrow
Chapter 411: Dodgeball
Chapter Text
My dark thoughts
Are like a dangerous
Game of Dodgeball
When the stakes
Are literally life & death
A game of Dodgeball
Is always harder
To win when you
Are tired or haven't
Eaten or drunk
Enough to be great
And if the rules were
Different and the
Opposition crueler
Then how might it go
When you fall on the floor
The balls just keep coming
Aimed at every vulnerable area
Like punches I cannot shield from
As I am lying there defenseless
Because of a simple stumble
If I cannot fight against the onslaught
And manage to stand again then
I will be stuck here until someone
Pulls me out or stops the firing or
Until I am beaten into a fitting grave
Chapter 412: Surviving
Chapter Text
It's like I'm
Back in
Survival Mode
Except this
Time I'm
Actually doing
Everything right
I'm taking care
Of myself
Or trying my
Very best too
I'm eating
Two meals
(Not healthy
Food but food
At least, one
Battle at a time)
A day and also
Actually letting
Myself sleep
On a fairly
Consistent basis
More than that
Actually rest
I'm prioritising
Myself over
My work and
That's seems
Like it's a good
Thing based
On the last
Week-long
Experiment
I am dealing
With the dark
Thoughts gently
Instead of so
Violently and
Facing my issues
(Somewhat timidly
I'll admit but still)
Instead of running
For help that
I will never get
At the first sign
Of trouble
I'm still struggling
And to an outsider
Who doesn't know
What the past
Few months have
Been spent like
This might look
Terrible and I
Might seem on
The brink but
Then I guess
Context is
Everything
That my 'kinda
Good' might be
Another's hell
But their hell
Could mean death
For me, though
At this point still
I wouldn't complain...
Chapter 413: Dear Therapist
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think that
To get therapy would be easy
I'd just give them homework
Show them all my poetry and say:
"Go on then, therapise away."
Chapter 414: Jekyll & Hyde
Chapter Text
There are two
Side of me
So to speak
The troubled
Twisted, lonely
Part and the
Anxious, stressed
Out, twitchy side
Both are traumatised
By life's events
But one faces things
Boldly and head on
While the other
Tries to hide it's
Face in the pillow
And doesn't peek
Chapter 415: Sounds Like Home
Chapter Text
I had forgotten
What it felt like
To be home again
I had forgotten
The sound of the
Pigeons performing
A tap-dance on the
Flat roof there above
My head as if their
Thuds and thumps
Were just for me
I had forgotten
How the sound of
Footsteps that I
Know so well outside
My door makes me
Feel warm and safe
Because I have heard
Them all my life
I had forgotten
The sound of voices
That reach deep into
The well of my oldest
Memory as they read
Stories to child me or
Singing softly when
I fall into restful sleep
I had forgotten
How the layers of
Blankets and sheets
Rustle as they weigh
On me comfortably
As I lay nestled here
Back home at last
Dozing peacefully
I had forgotten
How each step
On those creaky
Stairs reveals the
Person who I love
Traversing them
So it doesn’t matter
If a creaky floorboard
Sometimes wakes me
I had forgotten
What it felt like
To be home again
And now I am
Reminded
I hope that
I will not
Forget it again
Chapter 416: Time Is A River
Chapter Text
I am twenty
Years old and
One month
And three days
Time just keeps
On flowing by
Like a river that
Can never be
Stopped or
Dammed or
Dried to a trickle
It carries me
Along with it
Helpless to its
Currents as
They drag me
Away from places
And people that
I used to know
Into scary situations
Currently unknown
Sometimes I can
Manage to keep
My head above
The raging water
And be able to see
Where it is I am
Headed but other
Times I am pulled
Under into the
Swirling dark depths
Where I gasp for air
I accidently ingest
The painful dangerous
Memories that also
Dwell down there
Chapter 417: Some Words To Tell Youself Everyday
Chapter Text
Chapter 418: Christmas Scars
Chapter Text
It seems I just can’t help it
It’s Christmas morning
But my eyes move as if
Of their own accord
To run over my wrist
And scan my hands
Examining each finger
And the new scars there
That I have added this year
They have healed enough
So I strain to raise my head
And lift my spirits with it
To carry on and not dwell
On all the sad, bad things
For just one day, this day
Though I know in the back
Of my mind that these
New scars will be here
For several more
Christmases to come
And so will many others
That will join them
Along the way
Chapter 419: Happy New Year 2022!
Chapter Text
Somehow I have managed
To avoid the customary
Existential dread and fear
As I spent this New Year's Eve
With my family doing a jigsaw
Featuring adorable donkeys
And when the metaphorical bells
Because everyone nowadays
Is just looking at their phones
Struck twelve I was hugging
My sister close in the chilly
Night air as distant flashes
Of fireworks splatter across the sky
As the new year began and
The old one finally took the hint
We've all been giving and died
Chapter 420: My Will
Chapter Text
My will when I die
Has nothing to do
With money or things
I don't have all that
Much that anyone
Else would care about
Simple sentimental
Items or the most
Random nonsense
Best characterises
My eclectic possessions
But when my body
Is still, stilent and cold
I want to be wrapped
In something woollen
Something grey but warm
Simple and undecorated
Bright colours are simply
Not my vibe, so you know
Then I would like to be
Buried, as a whole body
Flesh still attached please
In a round pit in the earth
Round not a rectangle
That bit is important
As is the position, this
Part is crucial for me
I want to go to rest
Crouched, curled up
On my side like a fetus
How I came into the world
How I began is also how
I should like to go out again
To pass on and decompose
In the safest of positions
One I have spent many
A sleepless night just like
Clutching a pillow
For comfort only when
I am in the ground just
Give me an old pot
Grooved Ware of the
Most ancient styles
So my burial can mimic
But with a unique twist
Those of Bronze Age
People who came here
With their beakers of clay
And got buried in such
A different way to those
Monuments of stone
That came before them
I would not request a
Henge of my loved ones
I am not that cruel
Just replicate a deposition
Mere hundreds of years
More recent and make
Sure nothing else goes
In the grave with me
Nothing that would
Still be around in say
A thousand or so years
Another thing, if it's
Possible I should like
To be put to rest in
A beautiful place
Rich in its history
Like the Highlands
Of Scotland with
Their rivers and skies
Mark my oval pit
When it's filled in
With a local stone
If it feels right then
Write something there
Of course it must be poetic
But nothing too long
A quote of a nerdy
Understanding would
Also do just fine
To remember my life
I will forever be more
Than words could
Describe and more
Than any one part
Of my interests define
So inscribe whatever
Inspires, I haven't really
Thought too much
About that part of it
But this, the burial
Crouched with my knees
Tight to my chest and
Wrapped in clean soft
And sweet-smelling wool
This I humbly request
Of anyone I leave behind
Chapter 421: Bedroom Ceiling
Chapter Text
What have you seen
My bedroom ceiling?
The years of my childhood
And now my teenage
Years too, come and gone.
You have seen me grow
Seen me falter and fall
So often too, but though
I have made mistakes
I have learned so much.
You have watched over me.
Until I left this room
This house and town,
Off to study and learn
Like I had been here.
Just away from all this history
The life lived so far just
Within these walls and
Beneath your gaze.
The many many books read
And countless stories
Imagined inside my head.
The hours spent just
Listening to the rain or
Sweet birdsong outside.
All the time spent watching
The sun go down and
On the rarest of occasions
Even watching it rise.
How many unwise
Late nights have you
Witnessed and smirked?
How many tears cried
In silence and the dark
Have you seen and
Wept with me? Because
When I am in this room
I have always felt alone.
I am more lonely when
I am away from here
It is true. This room is
A comfort that I do not
Understand since so much
Pain has been felt here
But I suppose much love too.
Does one outweigh the other
Or am I stuck reliving both
As I lie here passively now
And stare sightless up at you?
What secrets do you know?
And what would I do to keep
Them between me and you?
It's not like there's been others.
Visitors rarely breach beyond
The doorway where they
Usually linger to observe
Me in my natural habitat.
My customary domain where
You only ever see me.
I wonder how that might
Colour your view of me...
Obviously you know my truth
More than perhaps I'd admit
Even to myself, I cannot lie
Or mislead you as I do of others.
You stand witness to me
My every moment and word
I dare to speak aloud even
To the silence of my own room.
Recently my rabbit comes
To join me here and we share
This space beneath you.
I whisper secrets and love
She does not understand
Of course I know that but
I say the words anyway
Because then you can hear
And then you can know
What I am feeling, and so
I may also understand myself.
Could you explain me to me?
My bedroom ceiling...
What secrets might you tell?
Chapter 422: Overworked & Stressed
Chapter Text
My brain is the toast crumbs
Black in the tray at the bottom
My brain is the leftover
Silt at the bottom of a coffee
My brain is the sludge that
Remains when stuff boils over
My brain is the muffin that
Got left out in the pouring rain
Chapter 423: Sock Graveyard
Chapter Text
Down the side of my bed
Between the wallpaper
And the sheets that are
Never properly tucked in
There is a sock graveyard
Where those odd items
Tend to end up in the course
Of one restless night of sleep
My socks go to hide there
Disappearing without a trace
Until the months or years
Go by before I unearth
Their valid attempts to escape
Cleaning is not my favourite
Pastime although it is ironic
How I hate to see dirt and mess
Sometimes I think that this
Is where my emotions like
Joy or peace or pleasure
Go on those occasions when
They are also lost to me
But unlike the odd sock
Or two or three or four
I miss my happiness when
It happens to just wander off
Chapter 424: Falling In A Forest
Chapter Text
You know that old saying
If a tree falls in the woods
And no one hears it
Then did it fall at all?
Because I wonder sometimes
Do I exist? Or am I simply a mirror
Does my pain hurt at all
If no one can see me hurting?
Am I valid if no one notices me
Must I be observed and seen
Heard and noted, listened to
In order to be here at all.
Chapter 425: Easy To Say, Harder To Do
Chapter Text
I've found that
When the night
Won't end then
If you can take
Joy in the stars
Relish in the quiet
Love the darkness
That shrouds all
Things in secrecy
And whispers seem
The perfect thing
Take the opportunity
To be alone and
Snuggle down deep
When the storm
Doesn't cease
Seek out the beauty
The rainbow perhaps
Or less obviously
The patterns of
Raindrops on the
Window and in
Puddles - how they
Ripple and tremble
Or the texture of
The grey clouds
As they seep droplets
Onto your head again
Chapter 426: Bad Mental Health = Bad Grades
Chapter Text
Is it possible to have good mental health and good grades?
Most would think that
If you prioritise one
Then you lose the other
But what if it's simply
That those with 'bad'
Mental health only
See their grades as
'Bad' no matter what
Effort or priorities
They might employ.
So if you truly want
'Good' grades then
Perhaps you should
Aim for good mental
Health first and see
What your grades
Look like to you then
After you feel happier?
Maybe something
To consider for
The new year...
Chapter 427: Cancer: noun
Chapter Text
A long, long time ago,
Human beings were afflicted by something.
A horrible curse upon humanity
That has long since been forgotten;
Or actively erased, from our history -
Out of fear and grief and pride.
The word our ancestors used was 'cancer'
Pronounced 'ca- n - s - err' to you and I,
And it meant a growth within the body.
The first kinds to be discovered were in the blood,
Readily accesible and analysable by microscope:
Diagnosis then was fatal...
The causes were varied - and scarily so.
It could be environment and/or circumstance,
Or even just one's own body turning against itself.
This unknown made 'cancer' all the more feared.
The types increased in variety as time went on,
Or at least their diagnoses did.
As science learned more however,
The more out of its depth humanity seemed.
Slowly, treatments were created.
Targeted radiation and chemicals were used,
Or even surgery to cut out the abnormalities.
Each had the potential to further harm the sick.
Ironically named 'Chemo-therapy' (that's: key-m-o-)
Was hardly 'therapuetic' as we now understand it.
This 'treatment' was esstentially poison,
Aimed at the cancerous regions
It could potentially destroy them but
Very easily kill the whole body in which they dwelt.
Thus that which was provided to make them well,
Could have also been the cause of their demise.
It was very sad and very harsh times.
As the 21st century hit its midway point,
And human's lives got even faster,
New threats to their survival and freedoms loomed.
Eventually, with humanity launching into the cosmos,
The increased contact with radiation
In time led to some significant advancements.
Necessity being the mother of invention after all.
Today, the word 'cancer' is an archaic noun,
Meaning 'threat from within' or 'slow-death'
But back then, it was like a curse word:
Whispered behind hands and discussed in hushed voices.
Like a terrible secret, it was hidden away,
Perhaps out of shame, due to the implicit weakness
- We historians still aren't too sure -
This added to its vicious reputation and
Led to further shame and secrecy...
A vicious circle of fear, a snake eating it's own tail.
We have some surviving documentation.
Some written texts and some audio/visual
Elements combined in a basic manner.
Few discuss relationships under the shadow of 'cancer'
Of those seemingly living and fighting to thrive -
As a hetreosexual couple or a basic nuclear family -
With, and in spite of, this ancient disease.
Though most documentary evidence
Appears to be fictionalisations,
The stories explored are indisputably grounded
In real thoughts and emotions of our ancestors
Then faced with these circumstances -
But of course, this only is our speculation.
Increasingly this archive becomes
Distinctly heroic in its narrative and
Frames the sick or dying in the cloak of a tragic hero...
A few more attempt to be educational perhaps,
Featuring the opposing character or point of view -
The healers then called doctors and surgeons.
'Surgeon' being an archaic term,
It describes those whose profession was
To cut open human beings to fix their bodies.
A practice rendered first impractical then
Finally obsolete with modern technological advancements.
(Though it is still considered in emergency situations).
Although more factual at first glance
These records also depict fictional events,
Still supported and centred around human emotion
However, so within reason still useful
To our inquiry today.
Thousands of years in the future
What will they think of our life today?
What might they understand of
Our hopes and fears, our demons and angels?
Will any more or less of our 21st century
Survive than that of the ancient Romans?
And who will wonder at our little lives
Long long after anyone who remembers
Us or how it was, is long gone as well?
Chapter 428: To The Eyes On Me - Listen Up.
Chapter Text
I've spent most
Of my life as
The one who
For one reason
Or another
Needs that
Close eye to
Be kept on
So much so
That I live as
If expecting
To be observed
And I am
Constantly
Surprised by
How I can
Surprise others
Simply by
Watching them
And not being
Noticed doing
Just that
For nearly a
Third of my
Life so far
I have been
Kept under
Close watch
Out of fear
Others' fear
Mostly and
Hardly ever
With concern
For my own
Feelings nor
Opinions on
The matter
For it seems
The priorities
Stand as life
Heath then
Happiness
I'm sorry to
Have to say
But living as
Forever so
Observed
Has simply
Taught me to
Better conceal
My activities
And thoughts
To such an extent
That if ever
You presume
To have stumbled
Across some
Information about
Me I can assure
You it was not
By accident but
By my design
With of course
The rare unheeded
Accidental exceptions
This also means
That when I open
Up about my
Feelings or struggles
And get shot down
Shut up or ignored
You can bet
The next chance
I get to reveal
What has been
Hidden from all
These eyes that
Watch me so
I will not do it
As easily again
Until at last all
You may observe
Is me heading
Straight for an
Early grave without
A damn thing
You can or could
Not that you would
Ever do about it
So by all means
Continue the trend
Follow the precedent
Those watchers
Before you have set
Watch and be silent
Be deaf and dum
And this will only
Continue until
My age reaches
Twenty one...
Chapter 429: Wide Awake
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I snuggle down at last
I've got my favourite blanket
That my sister gave me
For Christmas years ago now
The window is open just
The right amount to allow
For the optimal light breeze
I have the perfect pillow
Laid at the perfect angle
Tucked into my neck
And cool against my cheek
And I used a colour filter
On my phone for the
Last several hours I used it
I haven't got a headache
Nor indigestion or heartburn
I am calm, I am chill
Little to no anxiety or stress
At least on my scale
But as I roll over and
Face the wall, my eyes
Snap open and I am
Forced to admit aloud:
'I am fucking wide awake'
Notes:
And sshhh, I've got a teddy bear here with me too. Don't tell!
Chapter 430: Bridges
Chapter Text
And to whom exactly
Should I be turning to
Now all my bridges
Have been burned
Some admittedly
I torched myself
While others still
I doused in oil
Though another
Sparked the match
Which set that
Fragile hope ablaze
And these others
That you imagine
Have not yet been
Constructed so
How can I walk
Across the empty
Expanse to safety
With no bridges
To guide me there
I am hurt
I am trembling
A wounded animal
Cornered with
No where left to run
Chapter 431: World of the Outcasts
Chapter Text
When a society tells us
In those subtle and not subtle ways
That we do not conform
We are strange and weird
There are two stages I think
We all go through in response
First we look for ways to fit in
Despite what the world is saying
Try to prove it wrong and
That we are very normal, honest
But it never works or at least
Not for long because even if
You can blend into the crowd
The best camouflage fails in the end
So we move onto the second stage
We seek out a way to stand out
Which I believe most teens
Attempt to do anyway though
With varying degrees of effort
Determination and dedication
We find those things that can be said
Or done and dressed or written
That puts our corner of the world
On edge so to speak, few dare
To go beyond the line of unnerving
Too afraid to do more than push
Those boundaries and break free
Too wise to wish they could be accepted
Stuck in the cycle of rejection and hope
Ours is the world of the outcasts
Chapter 432: Shadows' Stain
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I study my face in the mirror
It is recognisable as my own
And yet something is different
I trace the increasing lines
That mark how often I smile
Or frown or raise my eyebrows
Skipping over the occasional spot
Or stray hair growing somewhere
I avoid lingering on my lack of chin
But my gaze keeps returning
To those dark shadows like bruises
That lurk under my eyes still
I am happy enough and look
Acceptable when I am smiling
But that deep blue and purple
Always catches my eye
No matter the night's rest
Before the morning's inspection
I think I am sleeping well
And sleeping more than enough
Compared to weeks or months ago
When I could not rest or relax
In my younger years I slept
Far far less than I do now
Dangerously so I would suggest
Now I try my best to go to bed early
But these shadows are still there
I look back through my photos
And trace their appearance
Tracking when my face first became
Adorned with their darkness
And my life burdened with tiredness
Following their progression and
Steady growth over the years
When I hardly even noticed
They were there in the mirror
But their existence then
In retrospect is hard to deny
As images taken with other
Preoccupations in mind
Reveal the whole picture
That I didn't even realise
At the time I snapped them
When I didn't dare stare
Too closely into my eyes
I keep going backwards still
Past their emergence to when
I was young and my eyes unlined
The shadows have gone and
Do I imagine I see a brightness
In those eyes without them
Or am I fooling myself even as
I do when I stare at my reflection
And wonder what I would change
When in reality nothing will do
Notes:
I am now back at Uni and the poems are resuming.
Chapter 433: Anxious Ways Of Living?
Chapter Text
My anxiety has been getting worse
But it's not growing like a volcano
Instead it's mutating like coronavirus
And perhaps I fight like the Borg, or
For the Brits the cybermen, I adapt
Learn to thrive and more than live
With the feelings of panic and fear
I get better, feel more confident and brave
Then the symptoms change and
I'm back to square one of learning again
Chapter 434: An Anxious Snake Eating Its Own Tail
Chapter Text
I have anxiety
And it gives me
Funny feelings
Symptoms like
Stomach ache
Heartburn and
Breathlessness
My pulse races
No I'm not 'in love'
But even as I try
To convince myself
I'm not dying
40 different ways
I get anxious and
My heart rate
Increases still
And I feel like
I'm going to be sick
So in summary
I have anxiety
Which makes me
Feel physically ill
Which then gives
Me more anxiety
That maybe I'm
Seriously sick
And going to die
So I get anxious
About feeling anxious
About my anxiety
What fun is that
What fresh hell is this
Chapter 435: If I must believe, I will believe in You.
Chapter Text
You don't have to be real and
I don't have to see you or find proof
The words don't have to be truth
It is the faith that gives me strength
The hope that someone loves me
Unconditionally, though I struggle
With believing it is true - I believe in you
Because I don't have to believe and yet
You still love me anyway, or you don't...
But either way my life has a tether
A guiding light that leads the way
A core and solid rock, if I build from you
I will be steady even if the waters rage
I love you even though I am afraid and
So I step out with arms outstretched
You comfort me, your hand holds mine
Even if it is just in my imagination
You are here, so I thank you and promise
I will wait patiently until you call me
To see your face at the end of my days
Chapter 436: A Tortoise Without Its Shell
Chapter Text
I'm feeling very fragile and vulnerable
Like I'm a tortoise without its shell
Or a crab stuck on its back with
It's soft and weak underbelly exposed
Like there's a chunk in my armour
And everyone knows where it is but me
Like I'm the house made of straw
Just waiting for the wolf to breathe
Like horizontal graphite bonds easily split
I'm so scared to go outside for fear
I might fall apart and everyone will see it
Before I can put myself back together again
And I'm so weak that I need to remember
To breathe and eat and make my heart beat
Chapter 437: The Mask Must Never Fall
Chapter Text
Some teenage girls
Stand in a locker room
The tallest and meanest
Pours half a bottle of water
Over the head of the weirdest
But she just smiles and laughs
Shakes her head like a dog
To get the worst of it off
The giant is confused and
So walks away while the other
Keeps smiling until a friend
Catches her eye and the mask
Cracks just a little and as
The heart of the watcher cracks
Just a little bit too because
She knows that you must pretend
That they never hurt you
Never bother or upset you
To survive the mask must stand
But now I wish the weirdest
Strangest one among them
Would have learned this lesson
Another way, any other way
But at the same time I wish
She'd have learned how to make
A mask stronger than a shield
One made of iron or concrete
That would never fall or fail
Chapter 438: History Is Like Poetry
Chapter Text
History is much like a poem
It seems so simple at first glance
Straightforward even
You read it and it makes sense
Its structured and sequenced
One line follows the next follows the next
And they flow together as one text.
If you peel back the layers maybe
You’ll find the depth that lies beneath
The plots and intrigues and furious debate
Are like the metaphors that English teachers
Like to latch onto and flaunt like flags
These are the things that are the focus of exams.
But in amongst all these organized tellings
Even beyond the message or the meaning
There’s heart, there’s a person behind the words
An individual to every footprint that is found
People who can draw across time and space
Bring us together in understanding or even
In opposition and argument: that part doesn’t matter
Whatever our differences or similarities
History and poetry are much in the same
They are products of humanity and so
One could argue are equally to blame…
Chapter 439: This Bus Ride I Must Endure
Chapter Text
The people are standing so close
Packed in like sardines in a tin
The air sealed and stale within
Someone has a strong perfume
It stings my eyes while my nose
Is saved from the worst by my mask
My hands shake as I fumble
For my headphones, the tangled wires
Twist around my trembling fingers
I almost drop them, my life line
The music starts to play and
For a moment I am just concerned
With if anyone else can hear it
I don't want to bother them when
I am trying to survive them as
They more than bother me, of course
My gut is clenched tight and flexes
In time with my uneven breaths
Lungs inflating and deflating in stutters
The sun is low in the sky, nearing
The horizon almost for it is winter here
It's light flashes in my eyes between
The gaps between people and trees
It's blinding and disorienting, painful
If I had mind to spare I would consider
How beautiful it is framed like that
Squeezing it's rays amongst the dense
City world I move amongst on this bus
But I focus not on the people terrifyingly close
On their deafening cacophony of chatter
Instead on the words that come to mind
Echoed in the song that is playing
I remember to breathe and whisper
That this hell cannot, will not last forever
In fact probably just a little longer now
Remember it is almost over and try to forget
That I must do this again to get home and safe
Chapter 440: Comparison
Chapter Text
How is it that last semester
I had multiple members of staff
Emailing each week to check in
Yet now there is none of that
Just a single scheduled meeting
That had been right up to the hour
And now lasts half that at the most
I leave my room as little and return
As quickly as I can manage, though
Living like a hermit should not be new
What has changed for some reason
Is that people from home are more aware
I’ve had more messages from them
In the few weeks since term began
Than I did for the whole of last semester
How is it that over Christmas those
I worked so hard to keep my struggles from
My darkest thoughts and worst moments
I hid from them only for my anxiety
To reveal my torment and anguish
When the new year rolled around
But at the same time, over the same span
Those who had been oh so concerned
Those professionals paid to care, all forgot
Maybe they perceived the problem as fixed
Or simply not their’s to worry about now
Chapter 441: I Know That
Chapter Text
It's almost amazing how quickly
When in conversation with someone
Who I'm starting to view as a friend
I still revert to my old survival technique
Of pretending not to know about
Something I know they know a lot
So I give them an excuse to rant and
Explain, even talk down to me because
Then all I've got to do is nod and agree
It gives me some breathing room and
It helps them to feel superior enough
They won't attack. All for the price
Of a little less self worth and some quiet
Mental commentary of: "I know that"
Chapter 442: A Thursday Evening
Chapter Text
Have you ever tried to play Poole
(When you're not very good at it)
And you've got period cramps...
Because I would not recommend it!
Especially not in a room with three guys,
One of whom you maybe have a crush on,
Another who keeps making those jokes -
Because you have balls, sticks and holes
So of course there's a lot to laugh at -
And a poor guy who just wants to play
Poole but none of us are much of a match...
Because that was my evening. Although,
That all being said, there have been many,
Much much worse evenings I've had. :)
Chapter 443: Oh You Happy People
Summary:
Anyone else been feeling more than a little agoraphobic lately, or is it just me?
Chapter Text
Oh you happy people
Who can leave the house
With barely a second thought
Instead of an hour full of
Careful ritual that it takes
For me to even open the door
Do you realise what it is
To leave my room right now
And traverse this big scary
Loud busy world we live in
To even get to my lesson
Is a feat unmatched some days
And so if I seem okay when
I manage it at last and engage
With the material because
I want to learn, it's why I'm here
No, that does not mean I'm 'fine'
If I could bear it I would suggest
You look into my eyes or watch
My shaking hands then wonder
What it takes for me to go outside
Chapter 444: How To Survive Shit Mental Health?
Chapter Text
When feelings are too much
All a chaotic mess inside
Then there's usually two ways to go
Drugs or alcohol to excess...
Well drinking only makes me sick
And I'm too scared to try drugs
Even antidepressants which might help
So instead I go a less conventional route
I don't allow myself sufficient sleep
Or food and the two combined
Successfully dull my senses and
Quieten my screaming mind but
I have since learned by experience
That this is unwise and that through
Proper rest, a regular night's sleep
And eating healthy food, well as much
As I can manage and exercising
Not ever to excess but just enough
To improve my health and mindset
Give me energy and strength
To face my mental battles when
I used to always lie down in defeat
Chapter 445: Lonely?
Chapter Text
I've kind of realised
I don't have friends
Between the pandemic
And leaving school
My world shrank
To just my family and
My family's friends
All good people, luckily
Who I love a lot but
When we were stuck
In lockdown and isolation
There wasn't anyone
I would ever miss and
Now I'm at university
I do talk to people
Those on my course
Before or after lectures
We sometimes chat
And in seminars I tend
To talk more than most
But only one person
Do I interact with daily
And that's because
They are teaching me
How to play chess
I miss my family but
Maybe not as much as
I should miss the only
People in the world
That I truly care about
And who notice I exist
I wonder if they miss me
I wonder about my old
Friends from school
Though I'm not social
I did end up with several
I've only seen one since
Covid hit and I got back
My grades for those exams
I never actually had to take
And that's simply because
We both love Marvel films
I text my sister more than
Anyone else but I can
Feel we are drifting apart
She is building her own life
Being independent and
Making friends I've never met
And I love her and I want
Her to be happy but hearing
All that she's doing makes
Me realise how I kind of
Don't have any friends
Chapter 446: Remembering Love
Chapter Text
My wall is a collage made from photos
Of memories with the ones I love
But to see them here and now
When I only have sadness and loneliness
To keep me company in this place
It feels wrong, like I'm tainting them
Those times of joy and fun and peace
Sure they make me smile and feel warm inside
But they are in the past, they are gone
And that just makes me want to cry
Should I use something to hide the laughter
Or embrace smiling with tears in my eyes?
Chapter 447: Missing You
Chapter Text
So I'm sad
Blame the hormones
And missing you
Here's what I do
I write poetry
Sad poetry
About how I miss you
Which makes me sad
More sad
So I text but there's no reply
You're probably asleep
So I return to the poetry
Does it help?
Which doesn't help
How do I stop
Stop missing you
Because it hurts
I am sad now
Is this the answer
Write sad poems
Because I might cry
See, you are there
And I am here
There's nothing I can do
Except text and write poems
So should I sleep now
And wait for tomorrow
To forget how I miss you
Chapter 448: Why
Chapter Text
For a long time I believed
There had to be a reason
Why I was suffering
And struggling like this
Call it God, a higher power
Or the Universe but that
There was a purpose
To the pain, an outcome
That made it all worth it
To tell my story maybe
Inspire other through poetry
Write an autobiography
That was a real page turner
I'm not sure when I stopped
Believing in this fantasy
Perhaps when I stopped
Needing to understand
And started accepting
That this is just me
It's how I am and who I am
Pain and all, that there
Needs to be a reason
Why I was born like this
Not broken just different
Almost diminishes all
I have achieved and survived
Even if part of my surviving
Meant believing in a reason
Chapter 449: Promises
Chapter Text
The most important
Promise I ever made
Was to stay alive
And I kept it, somehow
Even if at times
The fact that I swore
To keep going was
The only reason
I actually did...
Several sweet people
On several occasions
Have tried to make me
Promise not to hurt myself
I always refused as
Bluntly or as carefully
As was needed by them
Because I knew that
Particular promise
Was not one I could keep.
What is the most
Important promise
You have ever made?
Chapter 450: Horses In My Mind
Chapter Text
From what little I know of them
My brain is like a horse
It can run or walk and sometimes
Only ever thinks about food
There are reins but if it is
Truly out of control then
There's not much they can do
I can tempt it with carrots
And trick it into a box but
At the end of the day
It is something wild and of nature
That cannot be contained
Or reined in but must rampage
Stampede and run free
Often it feels like, all over me
Chapter 451: Mental Map
Chapter Text
I once heard it said
That our brains a
Have a mental map
Of their own body
And so when we see
Something different
Or new that doesn't
Match with that map
We instinctively hate
Or rather fear it, which
Is almost the same thing
So when we look in the
Mirror and are replused
It's our brains being all
Confused and scared
The image in some
People's heads is
Too ideal and perfect
So they live their lives
Constantly trying
To match the unreal
And unattainable
Others still may have
An image of themselves
That is a different gender
Or no gender or whatever
And sometimes they
Can change to mirror
What's inside their head
And some, the rest of us
I suppose, just avoid
Facing change or looking
In the mirror - or is that
Just me who is so afraid
Of my own body naturally
Growing and altering in time
I once heard it said
That our brains a
Have a mental map
Of their own body
And so when we see
Something different
Or new that doesn't
Match with that map
We instinctively hate
Or rather fear it, which
Is almost the same thing
So when we look in the
Mirror and are replused
It's our brains being all
Confused and scared
So give them a hug
And take the time to
Learn to love all the new
Parts of ourselves so
Look in that mirror and
Stand tall, remember to
Smile even when you cry
Chapter 452: Blanket-Burrito Life
Chapter Text
I woke up this morning and
I knew something wasn't right
So I got an authorized absence
To validate spending all day
As a blanket burrito only moving
To the bathroom and after
A lengthy self-lecture, to eat
What a way to live my life
Chapter 453: Claustrophobia
Chapter Text
Claustrophobia
Of my own skin
My mind is a prisoner
Trapped within
A biological cage
Flesh and blood
Bones and muscle
Some days I feel
My thoughts fight
They are straining
To break free
And fly away
But it just feels
Like some insects
Have burrowed
Their way beneath
My skin and are
Writhing there
In utter agony
And I end up so
Frustrated because
I love to learn and
I want so much to
Learn about life
Of so long ago
It is literally why
I am here now
But something deep
As if wedged in
A crack in my soul
Riles against this and
Battles my every effort
I can feel the chains
Around my wrists
Their weight pulls
Me down and
Holds me back
In the darkness
And the sorrow
Until there is a blank
Expression on my face
Despite the wonderous
Experiences being
Discussed before me
I feel nothing and
Think not much more
Except for that quiet
Voice which lingers
Whispering deep
Inside the shadows
Of my mind and
Screaming at all
The fear that makes
Me sit here and wait
Chapter 454: Choice
Chapter Text
Since when am I afraid
To shower, the one place
That I can truly think
That feels warm like hugs
Which I miss and rarely get
I would say this feels
Almost like claustrophobia
Judging by the fast pace
Of my breathing and how
My heart is hammering
And I suppose it is quite
The tiny space after a day
Spent stuck in one room
But I like to curl up tight
Huddle in the corner, in fact
I always have done and
Such small spaces actually
Usually make me feel safer
Of course it could also be
The sensory side to it
(My brain has so many facets
Each with its own issues
I am starting to lose track)
And I recognise how the noise
Of the water can be loud
And the feeling of it on my skin
Can be equally deafening
Though, in a different way
However it could simply be
That my brain and body
Are conspiring against me
Because I know full well
If I do not shower tonight
There is no time in the morning
And I will refuse to go outside
Which means no presentation
Does this count in a way as
Self-sabotaging or is it more
Like self-preservation almost
It’s as if my brain has bartered
With my body, by saying:
“Have an anxiety episode now,
Alone and safe in your room,
Or tomorrow in front of many
Whom you barely know and
A treacherous few you might
One day call friends. Up to you.”
But what kind of a choice is that?
Chapter 455: A Peaceful Sunday in February 2022
Chapter Text
I swear that I know
These four walls
Better than any
I have ever seen
With the curtains
Drawn light still
Escapes through
The smallest crack
And I can glimpse
Between the rays
A hint of branches
Swaying gently
With a breeze that
I cannot sense nor
Hear over the muted
But steady roar of
Traffic going past
This sunlight reaches
My eyes from beyond
A comedic row of
Socks hung up on
String running across
The room dividing
It into two halves
Bisecting the space
Already small enough
Their shadows make
Strange shapes
On the wall which
Actually seem to
Dance as the light
Ripples over rough
Bare bark and boughs
The light is grey like
Winter clouds of
Snow and playtime
But colder somehow
I blink and beyond
The rumbles of my
Very empty stomach
Distant voices drift
Past in muffled
Conversation that
Is drowned out by
The cars dull thunder
Once they proceed
Far enough from me
The sheets whisper
As I shift to observe
The ceiling which is
Peculiarly blank
Devoid of detail or
Damage particularly
So that the join
Where the wall meets
The flat expanse
Above my head
That crisp sharp angle
Is soothing for some
Strange reason to me
I trace it with my gaze
To a corner I cannot
See and another
Ruined by its lack
Of right angle
Then I hear the rain
Well drizzle really
Begin to patter
On the pavement
And the noise of
The vehicles changes
To include the long
Drawn out splash
Of their tires plowing
Through a puddle
The wind is insufficient
To blow the droplets
Against the panes
Of glass which still
Separate me from
Them and their world
So I do not get to
Pick out that distinct
Tinkle of a tune from
All the cacophony
Which life creates
Even on this slow
Quiet and almost
Peaceful Sunday
In February 2022
(It is now that I realize
The time is nearly
Twenty to two in the
Afternoon and I am
Yet to have consumed
Any food, again...)
Chapter 456: Study The Refection Of Imperfection
Chapter Text
I catch sight of my face in the mirror
I can't believe I'm back here again
Gazing and studying my every imperfection
Like some small bug that is trapped in a jar
I blame the flecks of sleep still lying caught
On my lashes and heaped at the corner of my eyes
They catch the bleak electric light from above
Seemingly bright white as my eyes move to respond
My hair falls across my cheek and obscures the view
Only for a second before I push it aside once more
It is in need of a wash that I am unable to face right now
And as untied and unrestrained it is flowing free
One strand of dark brown hair is caught on my lip
As I reach and remove it, it reveals a red patch
Where I have torn and bitten until red blood wells
It is stark against the pale ridged texture of my lips
As my eyes resume their intense examination
I notice the growing splattering of spots on my brow
Frustratingly above the line where a mask sits
And so less easily able for me to ashamedly hide
Even in this study my gaze skips over the lines
I pass over and refuse to linger on the curve
Where no model's face would ever curve or
The dark shape of unruly eyebrows perched on my face
I walk away and do not look any further
In some ways I am grateful to have stopped
Before my roaming critical glances could reach
Beyond my chin or neck to view the rest
Which I similarly am inclined to hate or detest
Chapter 457: 'Psychopath’
Chapter Text
Were I not called
A ‘psychopath’
From a young age
Not an age when
The word held
No meaning for
At such a point
In one’s education
There are far simpler
Words available
That mean the same
Poisonous thing
When aimed at
Another human being
But at the time
When they knew
What such a word
Would mean when
Directed at someone
Strange and weird
Different enough
To be known to hate
Until the word defines
The person labelled
And the signified
Becomes the signifier
Until the word is true
Chapter 458: Happily Enough
Chapter Text
I used to have dreams
I wished to be noticed
Admired, even adored
I wanted to achieve
Great things and know
Everything I could
My desire to learn
Was powerful and potent
It pushed me with a drive
I am lacking nowadays
Right now all I want
Is to run back home
And hide in a corner
Preferably under a blanket
Away from the world
And the world’s eyes
I think I could live out
The rest of my life there
Happily enough
Chapter 459: Asexuality
Chapter Text
My sister just
Within the last year
Or so (with all
The self-reflection
Lockdown brings)
Has come out
As asexual and
Aromantic so
We have talked
Quite a lot about
Her self-discovery
And how she is
Selflessly taking
Every opportunity
To explain the spectrum
To other people
Who have no clue
Of course this has
Led to questions
About myself
As when my friend
Transitioned to
Non-binary and
Left me questioning
How pronouns
Make me feel
Thank you very much
I tend not to linger
On such fundamental
Things to describe me
I have enough labels
Just from my diagnosis
How does categorising
The different aspects
Of me help since
All these words and
Labels really do
As far as I can tell
Is explain yourself
To another in simpler
Easier ways and
I have so little need
Of such timesaving
Descriptors so rarely
Do I interact with
My fellow humans
And especially meet
New people also
Once you have a
Stack as I do already
The time saved
Is replaced by the gallon
Of water required
To rehydrate one’s
Mouth after spouting
The whole long list!
I could be ace
But the problem
Is that I suspect
I almost long to be
It would solve
So many problems
If I could just
Stand back and
Hold my hands up
And say that “no
I don’t want that
Or need that”
But I have a horrible
Feeling like deep
In my gut that
In reality I crave
The human connection
I have heard about
In songs and poems
Stories that litter
My memories and
‘Cute’ things that
One couple did
Gender or sexuality
Make little impact
I figured that out
Quite a while ago
As also did I realise
I have sufficient
Let’s say ‘appetite’
But asexuality
Like most things
Nowadays it seems
Is a spectrum
You can exist as
Your version of it
And no one can
Really question it
Or your validity
Which sounds nice
But ill-conceived
I seem to waver
Like a pendulum
Swinging between
Two extremes of
Opinion and dreams
Some days I crave
Companionship
And connection
But others I fear
Reaching out to only
Grasp empty air
The songs that
All so sweetly sing
Of love and romance
Equally scream or
Cry of heartbreak
And my tender soul
Would rather not
Try instead of risking
That particular fate
But then so they say
“It is better to have
Loved and lost, than
Not loved at all”
To which I respond
What is so wrong to
Having not loved
Will it kill me? No
Well then, shame
Mostly I am not
Hiding from losing
One I love but
From never finding
Them at all
If I do not look
If I tell myself
I do not need to
Look or even be found
Then maybe it will
Hurt less and
Maybe I can learn
One distant day
To love myself
Enough instead
(Because partly
My suspicions whisper
That I want someone
To love me so that
They can teach me
To love myself, which
Let’s be very clear
I definitely do not)
So my fear once again
Holds me back from
Exciting daring
Wonderous things
I choose the soft bed
And tasty food and
A good movie to
Take me out of my head
Rather than living
Out there in the big
Wide world and
Finding love and loss
Like the stories say
So am I asexual
I don’t really know
Has writing this
Even helped
Well I hope so
Can I ever speak
Aloud all these
Suppressed hopes
Dreams and fears
Maybe but I doubt it
There’s no one
Really to hear
I am alone here
And I guess, well
I suppose that is
The root cause
Of all my speculations
As solitary confinement
Is hardly ever
Considered home
Chapter 460: Do I Forgive You?
Chapter Text
Well, I’m still alive
So maybe you did your job well enough
And maybe you could have done better
And maybe I could have done better
I’m happy to agree that neither of us
Handled things particularly well
But I am trying to move on
And I think I forgive you, for hurting me
You had good intentions even if
Your methods were beyond questionable
You tried, though you couldn’t always tell
That I was trying too
You did, not your best but not your worst
And I appreciate that retrospectively
So I forgive you, almost
But I will not forget, only learn I hope
From the mistakes I made
And wish that maybe you will too
So that one day, the next time
This will not end like this again
With me alone and hating you
Chapter 461: My Name Is...
Chapter Text
When was the last time I heard my name
No one ever greets me
I'm always the one shouting out
Another's name to request they pause
So I can catch up, I'm always left following
Trying to squeeze my thoughts
Into a conversation dominated
By all others present there
I am the first to send a text
Begin an interaction
Because no one reaches out to me
I think sometimes they forget
I'm even there and listening
And so I'm never the first choice
Or second or third but last
Forever last in line and waiting
For my name to be called
Chapter 462: Safe Haven: Lost
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
It frightens me
That I may have lost
A source of great
Comfort and not to mention
Inspiration for me...
I am not at uni now
Terrified that the
Fire alarm will ring
Or some stranger
Will somehow enter
Through two locked doors
Without at least
Knocking first (hence
Why I am plagued
By phantom knocks
Inside the supposed
Quiet of my head)
I am home and safe
Where I can be there
For half an hour
And just be left alone
In peace, or so I used to be
Such tranquility slips
Through my pruney
Fingers nowadays
And I leave unreplenished
In wisdom nor harmony
My own evidence
Of tentative fearful
Inspiration being these
Clumsy words one
Might awkwardly call 'art'
I used to sing of songs!
Dance dangerously with joy
Write epic stories in my head
With words that would soar
Or I would just zone out
Think on everything
And nothing at once
Shut out all the world
Be naked to myself, just me
And feeling so alive, so aware
Of every breath and heartbeat
Why cannot not reach
This transient state?
And why am I so afraid
Of stepping there again?
Why when I am done
Do I feel nothing but drained
Dull, empty and void?
And why, oh why, can I not
For once get just one break
Please?
Notes:
Perhaps surprisingly this poem is actually about showering... 🚿
Chapter 463: Trigger Warnings
Chapter Text
Self harm
Suicide
Suicidal thoughts
Suicide attempt
Self hatred
Low self worth
Body issues
Eating disorder thoughts
Graphic description of injuries
Intrusive thoughts
Abuse
Trauma
Mental health issues
Mental illness
Bullying
Ableism
Discrimination
Institutionalisation
Angst
For some
These are
TRIGGER WARNINGS
For others,
These are a
SHOPPING LIST
Chapter 464: Footprints On The Sand
Chapter Text
I am always looking
For the opportunity
To prove myself unique
Live up to this label
I have been given
Experience something
That is truly me
To make a name for myself
Someone to be remembered
Not passed over once more
Forgotten to the mists of time
Like so many I read about
Their names eroded and erased
I do not want that to be me
Chapter 465: Dreamstate While Awake
Chapter Text
More than anything
I spend my life in a
Perpetual state of
Doubt and disbelief
I am constantly looking
For proof that this
Is not all in my head
More than just that
My struggles result
In tangible evidence
Which others can see
With their own eyes
That they can prod
And touch and report
So confirm to me as real
I am always mentally
Pinching myself it seems
So as to see if I wake up
Because I am never sure
If this is all a dream
Within a dream within
A waking nightmare and
My life always has had
An undertone of fake
There is a falseness to it
That I cannot name or describe
So that even as I seek
To understand it myself
No other ever could for
My words fail us both.
I think that if this whole
Reality were virtual
Then I would not be
The slightest bit surprised
It would be a confirmation
Of my senses deceiving me
And my brain, instead of my brain
Deceiving my senses as usual
And sometimes I wish it was
I wish I could wake up and
Press the reset button
Revert to last save point
Control Z: that powerful command
But that is not how life works
It is not what Time demands
We go forwards, only ever
Looking back, glancing over
Our shoulders as our feet
Heedlessly helplessly advance
Chapter 466: Know Me?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think that
My whole personality
Is just a patchwork
Of elements borrowed
Or outright stolen from
Other people and things
For example, I will
Binge watch a new show
And for a week or more
I will walk, talk, speak
Even think and emote
Like the main character
Or to whichever character
I relate the most to
Which is usually the
Saddest, unhappiest
And often angstiest one
Unfortunately for the
Parrot living in my brain
I can read a book and
Just absorb the vocab
Which is helpful when
It's an academic paper
And annoying when
It's Shakespeare so
Everyone gives me
Weird looks if I so
Much as open my mouth
And spew one couplet
I can affect an accent
Without even trying
Because I don't even
Realise I am trying at all
I'm just mimicing everything
Voice, mannerisms and tone
Sometimes I wonder
If different foods can alter
My assumed personality
And then there's always
The security that who
I am when I am alone
Is never ever who I am
Around any other human
And sometimes who I act
As when locked in a room
Completely utterly by myself
Is still not authenticlly me
Because I would know
Myself even if I smacked
Myself upside the head!
Notes:
So when you tell me that
You want to get to know me
I can only calmly request
You fucking get in line!
Chapter 467: A Good Thing?
Chapter Text
I eat food
Because
It taste
Nice and
Soothes
A sensory
Void in me
But I think
That I also
Eat to
Remind me
That I am
Working
To live
Not working
To die
Because
I've done
That before
And I'd
Rather not
Do it again
So any
Reminder
I can get
That I am
In fact
Still alive
Like my
Digestive
Tract still
Moving
For instance
Just has
To be a
Good thing
To me
Chapter 468: A Bottle Can Be Beautiful
Chapter Text
A bottle can be beautiful
You can fill it with beads
Of all different shapes and sizes
Made of glass which
Catch the light and multiply it
So that everything is
Showered in fractured rainbows
A bottle can be beautiful
Glitter and glue can help
Plus a little warm water
And there you go, a little
Custom lava lamp of sorts
To shake up and stare at
As it all settles back to normal
A bottle can be beautiful
Even if you fill it with stuff
Like elastic bands or spare
Nuts and bolts and screws
Even if it's full of pickles
Like the manufacturer intended
Then stick a fancy label on the side
A bottle can be beautiful
Just with a little effort it seems
With some paint or ink
Simply tipped in and swirled around
You have a gorgeous lampshade
That is utterly unique although
The idea is hardly the same
A bottle can be beautiful
With just a little love and kindness
A bottle can feel worth something
More than the sand it came from
And the next glass thing it may
If it's lucky, be made from when
No one can find a better use
A bottle can be beautiful
So why do we use it to hide away
All the things we feel and fear
The cap might be sturdy but
If you shake everything too well
The explosion will be noticeable
And we can't rock this boat we're in
A bottle can be beautiful
So why does the saying exist
"Don't bottle up your feelings"
Let them out, let them be heard
So we can cover them up again
With pretty beads, rainbows of light
Put you back together with
Useless glue and glitter and time
Don't use those elastic bands
Don't tell us where those tiny
Little screws all came from
No one wants to know anything
More than your fancy label
Dipped in ink until it's illegible
And the assumptions made
Are tragically all that survive
Give me love, give me kindness
And the sand that made me
Can be worth its weight
Let me shout and scream
And capsize this sinking ship
Before all you ever notice
Of my bottle-load of feelings
Is the day when it explodes
And becomes shards and
Fragments not fit for purpose
Other than to burn and melt
Into something to be used
And discarded and reforged
Until time and humanity both
Finally meet their end...
And I can be done with, at last.
Chapter 469: Able Not Willing
Chapter Text
It's almost funny
How when I felt
That urge again
Stronger than
In years I guess
For a while, yes
I delayed and
Distracted myself
A lasting technique
I would heartily
Recommend
But then pretty
Quickly I chose
To collect all
The necessary
Tools and implements
To safely but
Satisfyingly
Achieve my aim
And just by
Having these
Cursed items
Close at hand
Although hiding
Their existence
Was a chore
Gave me more
Comfort than
I could have
Ever imagined
And despite
The ability so
Readily available
I continually
Refused their
Blatant temptation
Although if
You were to ask
How exactly
I'm afraid that
I still do not know
Chapter 470: X Marks The Spot (Where My Life Can Start)
Chapter Text
I remember so clearly
The time when I hung
A old-style paper calendar
Up on my bare wall
And with a boldly coloured Sharpie
And a hand that refused to shake
I would mark off each day that passed
With a large X across each date
Before I went to bed every night
Although sometimes I would forget
I would pick up that bright blue pen
And erase the day I just spent
Some times the cross was shaky
Uneven lines meeting wonky others
Other days it was strong and sharp
I guess they would reflect my mind
Eventually a whole year was up
It moved by both faster and slower
Than I would have thought
And I had row after row of blue X-marks
On that paper calendar I hid away
Some part of me was proud
Instead of disappointed like the rest
That I had survived 365 crossed off days
A complete set, a full house, a lottery win
But the practice wasn't about surviving
Or even about trying to look forward
To the next day or the week ahead
The blue lines would slowly creep
Along the horizontal plane until
They flowed over onto the next 7 squares
Like an unstoppable tide, time continued
No matter how much I wished so often
That it would just stop, or even only pause
Give me a breather, a second to catch up
Process events, process life's happenings
But that never happened and the pen
Which hung on a string beside the calendar
Would never run dry or become used up
For after one year of existing day to day
I kept the practice of a calendar hanging there
So as to contemplate my day to day
But removed the temptation to only ever
Look forward to the next chance
To make an 'x' on that waxy page
Chapter 471: Maybe I'd Be A Good Supervillain
Chapter Text
What is the obsession with darkness equalling evil?
I understand the claim that dark and shadows
Are scary because they conceal things and
There's nothing more universally terrifying
To humans that the unknown, we all fear not knowing
So darkness conceals and therefore is evil?
What kind of logic is that? Shadows can hide you too!
Keep you safe and hide you away in its embrace.
Light can hide things too. Though people say it is easier
To see things in the light, is it really truly easier?
Light can be disorienting and blindingly bright!
If you have to shield your eyes and look away
Then how can it be helping you see 'the truth'
(That it seems everyone pretends to long for when
In reality no one wants 'the truth', just a lie
That doesn't hurt them too badly to go along with... )
Light can be painful and dangerous, and what is dark?
Compared to that it is soothing, it is the relief
Not a prison or a punishment but safety and security.
Why do we insist on telling the same tale?
Dark versus light as evil versus good. what even
Are those distinctions anyway? Most humans
Bar some crazy 'bad' ones and equally lunatic 'good'
Just are... Human. The good, the bad and the ugly!
We live in light, in day, and in darkness, in night
Part of both worlds and excluded from neither
If we were to try. Okay, so certain things at night like
Street lights are there to protect us from shadows...
Are they as important as we think or would our
Amazing human eyesight adjust to the dark
If we give ourselves enough time to enjoy it?
I don't know. I'm not arguing for their removal.
Nor a banning of daytime activities or anything.
Just putting forth the question that we should
Reexamine where our prejudices lie and thus
Change the narrative that dark equals bad.
Chapter 472: Productivity Attainment
Chapter Text
How is this for an endorsement
Not to take care of oneself?
When I do not eat, the adrenaline rush
That anticipates the body being fed soon
Allows me more productivity than
I have achieved all of today so far
But I know that as soon as I do the right thing
And get something to eat, which I do want to
That adrenaline will fade and I will be full
That sick feeling of a not empty stomach
So good for you but feels so horrible
Like sleep, speaking of, if I work late
Like up to midnight's chimes and beyond
I get a crazy hit of adrenaline, again due
To my body anticipating rest soon, I guess
But it makes me so productive that
Last year I got the majority of my uni work
Done between those unholy hours
Of eleven pm and three am before crashing
Into bed and sleeping restlessly until ten
Not good for me or my body but now
I have a working circadian rhythm it feels
As if I am getting so much less work done
Without those long night owl stretches
Of insane intense productivity and attention
How is that for an endorsement
Not to take care of oneself?
Chapter 473: Groceries...
Chapter Text
I’ve had a realisation:
I go grocery shopping
Like I never want to buy
Food ever again.
This is surprisingly true.
Shopping is incredibly stressful for me.
Even if I can avoid the crazy, chaotic
Overwhelming sensory occasion
That is actually visiting a supermarket.
Online shopping causes equal anxiety
Just with different causes, for different reasons.
The price is one, making sure that I’ve
Ordered the right items, got my bargains
And the delivery is for the right time.
I double, triple, quadruple check everything.
When the day comes, when the hour arrives
I sit there, unable to focus on anything else.
My entire day is a right off for the sake
Of getting food so I don’t starve, because
Of course I leave it down to the last tin
Of dubious nutritional value in my cupboard
Before I voluntarily undergo this repeated trauma.
Hence why I feel like I order everything in the shop.
Buying enough food to last me months if I tried.
I feel so guilty and ashamed every time but
I can’t seem to not – for one, buying wholesale
Is cheaper overall, long term: or so I tell myself.
Even if it is all in vain because I need fresh stuff
Every couple of weeks if I am to at least pretend
I am eating healthily to stave off additional self-hate.
Chapter 474: Periods Are No Fun.
Chapter Text
Periods are no fun.
They are no joke either
Though we laugh and
Cry at them enough
As our hormones
Play jokes on us.
Personally, they are
A trial because I was
Admittedly, far from
Stable to begin with.
The phrase “don’t
Rock the boat”
Comes to mind.
Add this to the fact
That I find the sight
Of blood incredibly
Triggering and it leads
To a difficult few days.
But it’s the mind games
That trip me up the most.
I swear some days when
I’m about at the mid-point
I don’t know right from wrong
Up from down, good from
Bad or left from right or
Happy from sad.
It’s a struggle and I end up
Just crying at the silliest
Smallest stupidest thing.
The days are so long with cramps
And headaches clouding them.
The smell so distinct that
It brings back the memories
Of the last time and I just
Spend hours hoping that
One day it will not be like this.
I will get better, more stable
Be able to be productive,
Be able to laugh and live.
But I know that is not a
Result of my period, but
Just a result of being me.
A problem with my brain chemistry
Not my physical biology.
Chapter 475: There Is A Reason?
Chapter Text
I was always taught
That whenever you
Were doubting yourself
To place your hand
On your chest
Feel your heartbeat
Through your palm
And remember that
You have a purpose
That you are alive
For a reason…
And I still do this
Even to this day
Whenever I’m unsure
Or question if
I have a purpose
A reason to live
To keep going
I cling to this concept
In those times
When I cry
Myself to sleep
With one hand
Pressed above my heart.
But more and more
I find myself wondering
What my purpose is
I seem to have accepted
Its existence now and
Merely question and
Worry about its terms
I don’t know what
My future holds but
I do know I have one
At least, which is quite
The character development
I can tell you!
I don’t know which
Is scarier though
The uncertainty of
The unknown
(Of what is coming
What will happen next)
Or the certainty
Of the known unknown
(For what is death
But both certain
And uncertain
All at the same time).
Chapter 476: Ribbon Round My Wrist
Chapter Text
I'm not really a bracelet kind of girl
I don't wear jewelry or even makeup
The only kind of personal adornment
You would ever see on me is a simply tied
Ribbon round my wrist.
It is kind of getting old now, a bit worn
I reckon that if ever I were to take it off
Then it would hold its shape, like a paperclip
As if the material will always remember being a
Ribbon round my wrist.
The colour holds no significant meaning beyond
That I like it's blue turquoise shade which
You could possible argue is reminiscent of the sky
Which I find inherently hopeful somehow, this
Ribbon round my wrist.
It is not there to mark some date or passage of time
As I have worn similar strings or colours before
Though I did tie it there the day my favourite oak tree
Was cruelly cut down for stupid vanity, unlike this
Ribbon round my wrist.
It is not for beauty or fashion, two things which
Interest me about as much as I know about them
Though the colour is a favourite that some days
Might match my eyes, that's not why there's a
Ribbon round my wrist.
In truth, I did not realise why I put it there at all
Until many months later and many years later
The significance of what it hides I eventually
Also understood, this is not an easy story about a
Ribbon round my wrist.
Initially it was tied there for stubborn reasons
Then became a source of calm as in moments
Of anxiety and panic, or low energy and exhaustion
I could reach out and readjust and tighten this
Ribbon round my wrist.
Thus it was a relief and method of control that
Even in the darkness or doubt or fear
The simple instinct to slide the knots closer
Successfully overrode all else to just adjust the
Ribbon round my wrist.
But that is not the reason I placed it there
Not that it is not a welcome and happy side-effect
It's weight, feather-light though it may be
Is comforting and reassuring to me now, that
Ribbon round my wrist.
It exists to hide a shameful secret of mine
The only scars I have left to be afraid of
The ones which were different, not that I knew
At the time I made them that I would ever need a
Ribbon round my wrist.
It covers two lines of vertical white ridge
Above all other faded scars, just below my hand
That description alone should give you a clue as to
Their origin and the reason I must hide them under a
Ribbon round my wrist.
They were in fact an accident, hard as that may be
To believe but I didn't know what I was doing
What I was trying to achieve, what I was attempting
Until so much later when I realized why I wear a
Ribbon round my wrist.
Chapter 477: Step Outside
Chapter Text
When you step outside
Your room, flat, house
Or other accommodation
When you cross that
Tremulous threshold
How much do you dwell
On your actions
How much do you consider
Everything that might
Possibly happen as you do
Must you prepare for
Almost everything just
To be able to walk outside
Can you ever make the
Journey impromptu
And calmly excited
Because I cannot
Chapter 478: Ping Pong Ball Of A Brain
Chapter Text
My brain is like a ping pong ball
Tied on a string right now
Because no matter how hard
I smack it away from this
It just bounces right back
To where it started
In less than 12 months
I need to have written
My undergraduate degree
10000 word dissertation
It really won’t be as difficult
As my brain is currently
Trying to make it seem
But I cannot decide upon
A topic to fixate my life on
I am dithering undecided
While my stress levels build
And I have other essays due!
Assignments due within
The next few days or weeks
Then a bunch due in a month
And here I am worrying
And cannot stop worrying
About something I really
Shouldn't be thinking about
For months and months yet
But here I am stuck nevertheless
Tethered like a silly ping pong ball
To a stick stuck in the mud of
My thoughts and not getting anywhere fast
Chapter 479: Stories I Tell Myself
Chapter Text
For a moment there
I swear that I saw them
Glimpses of the past
As if through shattered
Panes of glass, stained
By the dawning of the sun
I should hope and pray
It was not real or true
Just my imagination
Playing tricks, having fun
Not old bitter twisted
Memories reappearing
And masquerading as
Reality before my eyes
Worse than a waking
Nightmare I did not sleep
Never exposed myself
To such vulnerability
And yet here I stand
Trembling with anxiety
At the mere possibility
Of that hideous phantom’s
Fabled and fated return.
Chapter 480: Cleanliness
Chapter Text
It frustrates me
The way that
Things I just
Cleaned up
Completely can
Become dirty
Once again
It feels like it
Negates the
Whole process
Why would I
Put in the effort
To clean this
When next time
I look at it
Somehow it will
Be mucky again
I’d rather just
Live with the filth
Than expend such
Pointless waste
Of precious energy
And let’s be real
Eventually I will
Give up anyway
Might as well
Cut to the chase
I guess I did the same thing
When it came to my injuries
Why mop up the blood when
There will be fresh droplets
Spilled in a matter of moments
Why bandage when I know that
I’ll want access any minute now
Why use antiseptic and carefully
Cleanse and clean when they
Will be reopened at the first
Possible opportunity: wasted effort
So why try if you know you will fail?
Chapter 481: Life Is Good
Chapter Text
Life is good
What a surprise
That is, and yes
As much to you
As it is to me
But right now
I just want
To enjoy
This small
Moment of joy
Life has chosen
To grant me.
This morning
I was a mess
Of stressed out
Thoughts tied
In a tangled web
But I got through
Did things today
Was productive
Maybe not
In the more
Traditional way
Yet now here
Later on I have
Items ticked
From my to do
List that was
Terrifyingly long
Just hours ago
Little by little
I broke it down
Into manageable
Chunks and so
Okay I haven't
Managed all
That I should
Or even what
I needed to today
But I am happy
Enough right now
To take pleasure
In the small things
Like how soft
My hair feels
Around my face
When I relax
And stop working
To take it down
And let it loose
There's a new
Episode of a
New favourite show
And I have a quiz
Night tomorrow
With friends and
Family that I am
Really looking
Forward to even
Though tomorrow
Will be hectic
Hopefully somewhat
Less than today was
Considering I spent
Three hours in
Hyperfocus this
Afternoon and
Forgot to eat again
I've eaten now
And feeling slightly
Sick to my stomach
But cleansed and
Fed and contented
Is I guess is what
I'd say and happy
Lounging in my
Privilege which
Normally I don't
Get to appreciate
Quite the same
I'm winning the
Current game
Of chess I am
Playing against
My friend and
The flowers are
Blooming outside
Though it's dark
Out there now
I know their colour
Still hides until
The beautiful dawn
I get to walk in
For an hour or more
Tomorrow morning
And I am so
Thankful and
Grateful and happy
I keep smiling
To myself despite
The stresses still
Bubbling just
Below the surface
Ever present
In this life of mine
Nevertheless
I am stepping out
Head held high
And praying
I don't trip and fall! 😂
Chapter 482: Nothing At All
Chapter Text
It's like trying to lift
A leaden blanket
Off my limbs and
My body is so heavy
As if there are
Chains around my
Wrists and ankles
Tethering me down
My words stop
In my throat like
It is blocked and
Stoppered like
A cork in a bottle
And my thoughts
Swirl unceasing
Behind an unmoving
Uncaring facade
My eyelids droop
And my head lolls
Not for lack of
Energy, I am not tired
Exactly just lacking
The willpower to
Remain standing
To stay upright
I will like a puppet
With it's string cut
Though I have
Managed to get here
I doubt my ability
To move from this
Spot, this chair
Once the hour comes
And my time is up
If I had my emotions
Within my reach
I'm sure I would
Be feeling dread
But right now all
That is muted and
Dulled and dim
I would hate this
Be so afraid of
Feeling this way
Again, only there's
Nothing in me
I am empty
Lost and alone
Drifting in this void
Misty space that
Feels claustrophobic
I am a prisoner
Of my body and
Mind until one
Or other decides
To break from
I am trapped here
Existing like this
Not living at all
Barely breathing
Barely thinking
Not feeling nor
Eating or moving
I suspect until
This latest bout
Is over and done
The clouds must
Darken before
They can clear
But here I am
Desperately holding
The fracturing
Parts of me
Together with
Shaking numb
Fingers and soul
Praying for blue
Skies like never before.
Chapter 483: How The Cycle Goes:
Chapter Text
Worry
My first thought
As it appears
Is washed away
Numbness
An emotionless void
I become hollow
As my control disappears
Claustrophobia
Creeps in as I am trapped
Here in my body
Looking out or looking in
Panic
Follows swiftly
As I fight and fail
To break free
Determination
Can be next
As I try to fight
With flailing limbs
Frustration
At my useless
Muscles refusing
My commands
Restlessness
At my immobility
I want nothing more
Than to be able to move
Exhaustion
Holds me fast
Like sinking sand
It pulls me in
Sorrow
Weary and weepy
For it feels like this is
How it will be forever
Resignation
Born from tired
Overworked synapses
It will not last
Fear
Tiptoes quietly
But it's arrival
Is always noticed
Self-loathing
Echoing every
Timid tiny footstep
Hating what I am
Shame
Walks boldly and
Unafraid as I stare
At broken hands
Guilt
Comes hand in hand
As I consider the
Inconvenience of who I am
Helplessness
Overwhelms me
As I strain fruitlessly
To breathe evenly
Anger
At my failings
Raging against
All my faults
Fear
Returns like a nightmare
To remind me of how
I am trapped here
Anxiety
At my future fate
Wondering if
Freedom will ever come
Peace
Maybe as I realise
There is nothing
I can do right now
Acceptance
Pushes away the
Lingering flutterings
Of fear to burst
Like a dolphin above
The stormy waves
Before diving deep
Once again to leave me
Drowning in these
Chaotic swirling feelings
Chapter 484: Do I Need A Hero?
Chapter Text
I need to:
Stop looking
For a saviour
Stop performing
Panic and pain
Stop waiting
For pity to fall
Stop wanting
A gift of kindness
Stop hoping
For someone
To help me
Stop hesitating
To stand on
My own two feet
Stop needing
A hero to rescue
Me from me
Just get up
And walk on
Broken limbs
All by yourself
Chapter 485: Today's Tomorrow
Chapter Text
Today...
Was not a good day
I can recognise this
It is not something I hide from
Or push away anymore
I accept this simple fact
And cling to my hope
That with a good night's sleep
I can wake refreshed and renewed
Ready for a new day
With new possibilities
And not tied to my yesterday
So able to do things that
Today it just was not possible to do
Succeed where I stumbled
Proceed where I fumbled
And begin where I never had the chance
Chapter 486: Be The One
Chapter Text
I've been that person
In that situation but
Always from one side
Looking into worried faces
Forever the one who is watched
I've been the one sat in a room
Perched on some stairs actually
Until long past 1am because
They were too scared to allow
Me be alone, even to sleep
I've been the one told that
I cannot go to the bathroom
Because I would be on my own
Unobserved (so I should hope)
And therefore dangerous
I've been that person stood
On a precipice's very edge
Staring out, not backing away
I've always been the one
Needing to be talked down
But I can relate better than
Anyone who has never
Been the one holding the knife
Twisting the noose or
Opening the door to the roof
But does that make me qualified
To help you where I could not
Even help myself sometimes
How can I possibly stop you
When I know exactly how it feels
To want to, so badly, and I have agreed
Chapter 487: Please Don't (Please Do)
Chapter Text
Please don't make the offer
Please let me reject your kindness
Please don't help me at all
Please let me struggle on alone
It changes things
Once you've seen
Me like that now
It's different this
Relationship we have
It's shifted and
Mutated though
I am trying my best
To not let it go
Too far I know that
Now things going
Forward will be
Different and I don't
Want to ruin what
Once was ours
Chapter 488: Talk Until I Drop
Chapter Text
It feels like
I'm compensating
For yesterday's
Muted voice
With a constant
Running dialogue
Directed solely
At myself
Chapter 489: Just Be 🌞
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
With the sun's shining rays
And rediscovering again
The sheer joy of researching
I seem to have recaptured
Anew that elation of being
Alive and in the present that
Somehow I lost yesterday
But found the day before
So innate within myself
What fun life can be even
In the simplest moments
To just smile at the sun
Beaming down from among
Blue skies and fluffy clouds
To grin after a good cup of
Tea or my favourite snack
And appreciate all that I am
All that I was and all I will be
Notes:
Because even a papercut hurts less if you smile! 😄
Chapter 490: In Days So Told
Chapter Text
In days of old
There lived a man
Who was alone.
A ship of secrets
And of lies this
Was his home.
In days not yet
There lives a girl
Who finds herself
Feeling lonely.
A cave of secrets
And stories written
Is the place she
Will be hidden.
Chapter 491: How To Live?
Chapter Text
Are we young ones
Meant to live fast
Love hard and see lots
Seize every opportunity
Never say no to anything?
Or are we supposed
To enjoy every moment
Live life to the fullest
Explore who we are
And what we believe?
Because in case, perhaps
You hadn't realised that
Doing both isn't possible
Please world, could you
Decide on your messaging?
Chapter 492: The World Beyond My Window
Chapter Text
It's days like this one
That my window seems fake
Like the view from it is
Into something like a fish bowl
Not this scary real world
For goodness' sake
I would rather pretend
It was a giant screen
Projecting a false reality
That contemplate how
Each person walking past
Is a human same as me
When I go outside
Every time I have to check
Glance up at my window
While standing beyond its panes
Remind myself that's only glass
Not complicated technology
That the world that invades
My quiet sanctuary with
Its traffic noise and cacophony
Is the same I have stepped out
Across the threshold, into now
Chapter 493: Be Still And Know
Chapter Text
These moments with you
Don't always happen in the quiet
Careful comfortable spaces
Or outside in the bright sunlight
I can reach you even in the corner
Trapped inside looking out
I can hear you even when
There's rainbows and stars
Not just downpours and night
A pause or hesitation as if
Your hand is on my shoulder
Just gently prompting and
Reminding me to take a minute
Here and there, unplanned
And definitely uncoordinated
It doesn't matter much to us
I can stretch out a hand and
Finds yours ready and waiting
In the middle of doing laundry
Or the mountain of washing up
Or even part way through a book
Any book, not just yours 'cause
I still carry your words with me
I know your voice is guiding mine
In every conversation even
When I doubt anyone can hear
In the still small quiet or
The crazy loud bus ride
Your arms are around me
And I can be still and know
That you are there: you are here
Chapter 494: I Used To Cry Because I Had To Live
Chapter Text
When I was about 16
I decided something
About myself and
About life in general:
That I didn't like it.
And because I thought
That this opinion was
Permanent that my
Existence would never
Change nor that
Long night ever end
I chose to write it down
Not merely onto
My skin but buried
Amongst it like a tattoo
With no ink, only blood
Now looking back
Thankfully those
Angry lines carved
Into shapes that made
Words of hate hiding
Fear and pain they
Have since faded
Just like the chaos
Of feelings that
Led to their creation
But sometimes even
Now I hear their echo
And whisper underneath
My breath what once
Was torn into my flesh
By my own cruel hand
At my own sad behest
Two lines that used
To make so much sense:
I hate my life
I want to die
Chapter 495: Remembering The Hurtful Hugs Of Yesteryear (Part 1)
Chapter Text
I only heard your voice.
Through a wall and a door
Then the window and the floor
And I was right back
To months ago when
I couldn't exist without
Your comfort and strength
But I am not there now
Things are so different
I must not be that person
Who runs after you through
The darkest coldest nights
I will remain here like always
Safe and warm and if not well
Then maybe I will be soon
Chapter 496: Remembering The Hurtful Hugs Of Yesteryear (Part 2)
Chapter Text
I would tell you it was an accident
But you wouldn't believe me either way
I would tell you that I didn't mean it
But we're both already bleeding
So what does it matter what I say
I should tell you that I'm sorry
Get down on my knees and beg
But apologies won't remove the bloodstains
Nor knit back together the cuts that bled
Chapter 497: Remembering The Hurtful Hugs Of Yesteryear (Part 3)
Chapter Text
I can't say that my life wasn't better with you it in
But I can say that I am different now without you
So I don't know if things were better then somehow
But I realise that you weren't better with me around
Chapter 498: Criminal Ways = Criminal Minds
Chapter Text
You make me feel like I’m
Doing something criminal,
Like stalking or trespassing!
When in reality I'm just waiting
For something to give in.
Please try to understand
The way I am in this moment,
Because right now my anxiety
Is playing tug of war with itself.
It won't let me start a conversation,
Enter the light and start to speak;
But at the same time, I can't leave
Without some closure, or something!
And this might be my imagination,
The way I see conspiracy in everything,
But I would swear in court that
I have been demonised because
That is how I’m feeling – as if
I’m an unwanted pest, which
Even injured is not worth the time.
Merely something to be shooed away,
Gotten rid of, dealt with, like grime.
So I will obey my mind’s imaginings
And slink back to the shadows
Where I always seem to linger,
On the edge of life’s happenings
A watcher and a stranger with
Haunting gaze seeing everything
But another’s meeting stare,
Because no one wants to see me
And acknowledge that I’m there.
I guess it’s easier
For them that way
So they can pretend
I do not exist
That I am not
Their problem
So they have
The universe’s
Permission to
Wash their hands
Of me and my pain
And I forgive them
Their evasions
Since if I had
The option then
I would likely
Do the same...
Chapter 499: An Old Failing Of Mine
Chapter Text
At the core of all these anxious ramblings
I'm realising is this problem I have with
Prioritising myself even when I should.
This inability is rooted in perceptions
I see others' lives and don't want to interrupt.
Disturb their own list of priorities
Regardless of the disruption to my own.
I priorities imagined things which
I don't even know they need to do
Above my own very real necessities.
My wants or needs do not matter
So long as I have the slightest clue
They're 'busy' but this clue is mostly
Given without words and with action.
But reading bodies is where I tend
To misstep or mistake a blink for
A silent declaration of hatred for me.
See, it is an old failing of mine…
Chapter 500: Shadows At The Edge Of Light
Chapter Text
These are the shadows where
It seems I always end up lingering
On the edge of life’s happenings
A watcher and a stranger with
Haunting gaze seeing everything
But another’s meeting stare
Because no one wants to see me
And acknowledge that I’m there.
Chapter 501: Childlike
Chapter Text
I talk to myself
As if I were a child
Discuss things with
The voice in my head
Like one discusses
Things with a child
All soft words and
Harder tone or hard
Words and soft tone
The illusion of choice
As if I have the option
To obey my kindly
Made suggestions
Like I am a child not
The adult the world
Sees and who will
Potentially starve or
Faint if I do not follow
The instructions given
Firmly but gently
To the voice inside
My troubled head
Chapter 502: Tired & Stressed
Chapter Text
One clear sign that
I am overly stressed
Is that my bedtime
Goes out the window
Gradually I go sleep
Later and later until
What once was an
Average nine hours
Becomes seven or
Sometimes six and
While that might not
Sound like a lot to you
Please remember
This is a red flag
For bigger struggles
Going on under the
Surface in my head
As it takes me longer
To shut off my brain
Each night when
I have so much to
Do and worry about
Of course the less
Sleep I get then the
The more exhausted
I get because stress
Drains my energy
Like nothing else
But then I'm tired
And unable to be
Productive and doing
The things on my list
Necessary to reduce
My stress so then
I go round and round
On this hellish circle
Until something
Gives like workload
And deadlines or
My health and mind
Chapter 503: Why Choose Caffeine When There's Adrenaline?
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I exist as solely nerve endings right now
All singing like a chorus utterly off-key
Screaming out for mercy from this world
That manages to beat out a tune from
Those cords pulled tauter than a watch spring
I am thrumming with every heartbeat
Vibrating like a guitar string just plucked
And every hair is raised like hackles against
This world that is altogether way too much
Notes:
My neighbours are being noisy, and I'm trying to sleep while coming down from an adrenaline high after submitting my essay. Well, that's life. 🤷♀️
Chapter 504: Recovery & Healing
Chapter Text
I’m at the point in my recovery
Where I genuinely had a panic
Over the layers of peeling skin
After a long and humid shower
For fear that those flaking parts
Would fly away and take with them
The final traces of white scars
That still decorate my forearms
I’m so scared I will lose them
These worn signs of the past
Which used to be treasured
Like pieces of shattered glass
When they first faded to pale
Thin lines viewed in weak light
It was fine because I held comfort
That I could always, and would soon
Make fresh marks over them and
Recast the fading marks anew
Even now to me they are precious
Not as symbols of triumph or
Victory over suffering, not as
Statements of survival through
The valleys and the darkest days
Not even as reminders of the
Struggle now completed and
Defeated, but as memories of pain
I choose to remember the nights
Always have done and always will
To me how you make it through
The longest hardest darkest times
Is how you will continue in the day
These fading whispers of harm
They do not tell me how once
“I survived, I made it, I got through”
They show me how I struggled
That it was real, all true and
Witnessable in these silent cries
So that others could glimpse onto
The inaudible pain on the inside
And tell me with a certainty that
The world had taught me to lack
That my demons were not nightmares
Conjured by fear and weaknesses
But stalking me invisibly until
Someone screams, cries or jeers
Chapter 505: Historian Of 2022
Chapter Text
I see these things on the news
Hear stories of brave people
Kind and good people working
Together to help others and
The unfortunate victims of
Politics and the power-hungry
And I think "Wow they're brave"
Or "Oh how sad" "How scary
It must be for them" but
These sentiments seem empty
My words are hollow and cold
Because I cannot imagine it
I cannot relate to that hardship
I have never suffered or
Struggled in a warzone before
Had to flee my home before
It gets bombed or blown up
I don't know what it's like at all
And I can't help but wonder
Where my apathy originates
Is this something I can blame
On society, I don't think so
As a world we are generally
Pulling together to help that
Battered country's people
Perhaps I can claim that
My autism is at fault here
That I cannot empathise
Sufficiently to a circumstance
So far out of my realm of
Lived experience, maybe
That's it but I suspect
Actually it's my perspective
As an historian which makes
These shocking events
Already seem like pages
In a book of the future
When these times, these lives
And calamities and hurts
Will become distanced
Words describing troop
Manoeuvres or propaganda
On the TV or maybe even
How humanity responded
As one kind whole being
But looking back from now
I see so many other similarities
To notable catastrophes
Or wars or times of suffering
And I just know that when
They happened all those
Many or few years ago
People might have thought
What we are thinking now
And maybe one historian
Sat down and began to write
For the future generations
Who would follow on behind
Hearing of the slaughter
And destruction just to
Create their own in time
Because history never pauses
Never slows to retrospect
That's our job as the people
Living in these moments
Or the ones who survive
To tell those who come next
Time does not linger on
The sad dark days nor
The happy joyful bright
It simply keeps going and
Moving, racing or pacing
Forward relentlessly until
It reaches its beginnings
And the whole cycle will
Begin again with one
Historian reminiscing as
They turn to a fresh chapter
And pick up their pen anew
Who will write these pages
Of this terrible time of 2022
Chapter 506: Hero To Me
Chapter Text
I am so pathetic
Like a beaten puppy
Wary of niceness
And slow to trust
Yet when I'm at
Your mercy and
Needing help but
Afraid to ask for it
I get so guilty if
I actually receive it
Feel so ashamed
That I wanted it
And it's then that
You choose to
Show me kindness
Which I latch on as
If imprinted upon
Like a tiny duckling
Because from my
Perspective now this
Relationship has
Been forged in flame
It is iron-clad, until
It isn't of course
Because it is one-sided
And unbalanced as
I look up at you on
A pedestal that reads
'Hero To Me, The
Helpless Little Wolfling'
Chapter 507: Morning Connections
Chapter Text
Waking up in a morning
Sometimes feels like
Inside the little control
Room in my head all
The switches are slowly
Being switched one by one
To connect my brain
To my body and all my
Limbs and fingers and toes
Then the real work begins
As all those complex wires
Which connects my mind
To my emotions must
Be reconnected and
Sometimes clearly this
Goes wrong or not quite
Right which results in
An off day of varying
Magnitudes of bad
Depending on how many
Wires got misdirected
Or are plain disconnected
As I yawn or stretch it's
As if I am testing the
Wiring of my body for
Signs of fault going
Through the morning
Routine of spot checking
But there is no easy way
To test the clumsy wiring
That is my emotional
Network because it works
So differently every day
That I can only tell when
Something is wrong once
Evidence emerges from my
Body like a hollow feeling
Or hyperactivity or stress
Knots in my stomach
Or twitching fingers or
A shaking leg which show
Me how the wiring of my
Body has gone poorly
And so it is likely that
Something is miswired
In the feelings department
That morning too...
Chapter 508: We Love Each Other
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
We love each other.
I love him and he loves me.
Shouldn’t that be what matters?
I have known him for a long time,
Most of my life, though unknowingly…
When I was younger, I didn’t notice him
As I do now when my thoughts wander.
We’ve technically been together
For years now, so says the paperwork.
But I haven’t been ready to take the next step.
I’m still so young, despite the passing decade.
Still figuring myself out, who am I and
Who I want to be, where I want to go…
And so on and so forth. These questions
Include him, and their answers do too.
His place in my life is not doubted,
Not anymore at least – I’ve already done that.
Had that ‘phase’ and moved on.
I know he wants us to be closer.
To be able to have those deep conversations,
Voice truths and express our true thoughts.
Share an honesty that is precious.
He knows when I lie to him, or hide things.
He knows how I’m feeling, often
More clearly than I ever seem to.
When I’m happy, he’s happy too and
When I’m sad, he holds me and comforts me.
Our intimacy is gentle and sweet
Tender like I need in my life, a solid rock.
He is strong and sturdy, he looks after me.
I need him to, I can barely manage
To look after myself on my own.
Some days, even now, I am just surviving.
Those times there is little space
For developing a relationship even
As I cling to him more in the dark times.
He understands, I think, that I need
Time and space to grow on my own.
Understand myself before I try
To reckon with ‘us’ and his place
In my life and my heart because
I know he has one, and he has one now
But the world is quietly whispering
That we should be more, talk more
Share more, do more together
Than we do. But I am happy, mostly.
And I know that he loves me even
Though so much of the time
I cannot understand why, I accept it.
I accept his love and return it,
Maybe not wholeheartedly but with
As much heart as I can spare which
Is not busy sustaining my existence,
And he knows this and values every
Scrap of affection and tenderness
I can offer him, he does not need
Grand displays or proclamations
That is not our way, ours is the quiet love
The gentle and kind, built on hope
And trust and faith going both ways.
I love him and he loves me and
We are as happy as we can be.
Notes:
Would just like to clarify, I don't have a boyfriend.
I'm talking about my relationship with my God.
Chapter 509: Genius Am I?
Chapter Text
For a long time
I thought I was
A genius...
Because I thought
Differently to
My peers and so
I reached conclusions
And got answers
Sometimes faster
Than they did
But of course that
Was not the only
Reason I wanted
This description
This label of me
I had seen the TV
Shows and stories
Where the genius
Was awkward
Socially and not
Always very nice
Admittedly this
I related to but
What these characters
Had was a trope
On their side that
They may not be
Well liked but
They were useful
Had worth beyond
Their social status
Could save lives
Be heroes and thrive
They also never
Seemed to care
What people thought
Of them and to
Young me that
Seemed pretty great
It has taken me
So long to escape
This desire for
Great intelligence
I suspect I will always
Long for a bigger brain
But that is due to
My unquenchable
Thirst for learning
And the gaining of
Knowledge which
I hope I never lose
For most of my life
My self worth could
Not be termed by
What people thought
Of me since I either
Did not know like
Literally had no clue
Or they saw me as
This genius trope
Petty social errors
Excusable for my
Usefulness and
Amusing quirks
I had no standing
No relationships
To gain good opinions
I was the one you
Could use like a
Computer to find
Cool facts or get
To do your work
I made their lives
Easier for the sake
Of continuing mine
I don't regret that
I survived long enough
To grow out of it
To become self-aware
Enough to realise
What I was doing
I am grateful for that
Even though now
I am left in the aftermath
Of that realisation
Unable to take a step
Forward for fear of
Repeating past mistakes
A genius I am not
But now I understand
Why I wanted and liked
To think I was as
It made sense of my life
Fit my existence into
A neat safe box and
Explained away hurts
Excused cruelty and
Gave me hope that
Kept me alive I think
Chapter 510: You Love Me As I Am
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
It’s amazing
That you can
Love me
Like I am
Can you
Understand
The times
That I can’t
Love me
As I am
I don’t know
How you do it
I couldn't
If I knew it
But still
You love me
Just as I am
It’s amazing
That you can
Even when
I can’t love
Me as I am
Notes:
Inspired (i.e. mostly based off) a favourite artist, For King And Country's, new song "Love Me Like I Am".
Chapter 511: Poetry Is...
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Deceitful?
Poetry is the
Opposite.
It is the art
Of revealing
Precious truth
With words.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
Honesty
Felt within
The soul
And known
In the mind.
It is the closest
To telepathy
Humans
Can ever get.
It is my respite,
My freedom,
My secret truth.
Anonymous
I bare my soul
Through
My mind's
Crafted lyrics.
I am safe
In the purity
Of honest
Expression
To be shared,
Known and felt
By whoever
Dares to read
The words I pen.
Notes:
Inspired by Benedict Bridgerton's words in episode 2 of season 2. :)
Chapter 512: Break Free
Chapter Text
Take the hourglass
And drop it now
Let the sand spill
All over the ground
Dance atop its grains
Laugh at the sharp
Edges of the smashed
Glass; live your life
Without the shackles
Of time's constraints!
...
It's so easy to say
To speak in metaphors
How hard can it be
To simply stand or
Walk on your own
But we know that the
Ease or difficulty
Does not determine
Capability nor joy
In the tiresome journey
That is life anyway
Chapter 513: Upside Down
Chapter Text
Have you ever seen
An upside down jellyfish?
A wonder of nature
And crazy evolution,
How it swims or lives
Hanging in the ocean.
Never thwarted by
Us humans' stranger
Perception of up or down.
It is not bothered by
What we think is weird
Nor by how we name it
As odd or different; for
Why should it concern
Itself with our imaginings
That our view is the only
Way all things see, when
In fact to the jellyfish
We are the ones upside down
And standing on our heads.
Chapter 514: Puking
Summary:
Sorry it's kinda graphic...
Chapter Text
It's so strange
Even when
I'm sick from
Food that
Disagreed
With me and
Awake all
Night long
Curled in
The foetal
Position
Hugging my
Protesting
Stomach
And near
Crying from
Desperation
To just sleep
Even then
As I gag
And retch
Over the
Open toilet
At midnight
Even as
I vomit up
All that is
Still in my
System
Even now
Years later
Some part
Of me feels
Satisfaction
When the
Puke splatters
In the bowl
And the relief
Of a slightly
Emptier belly
Washes over
My sleep-
Deprived mind
And I can't
Help but
Wonder if
Those calories
Won't be
Counted today
And I'll feel
So much better
Once this is
Done and out
Of the way
Chapter 515: To Be Ill
Chapter Text
I hate being ill.
Okay it's just
A simple cold
But I have some
Control issues.
Being sick involves
Surrendering to
The symptoms
And the general
Feeling like shit
And even if I
Manage to ignore
That quiet nagging
Voice of my
Anxiety which
Whispers somehow
I'm going to die
From this simple
Little cold then
I can take comfort
In the fact that
This pain and
Suffering will
Pass and I will
Be okay in the end
But I'm not very
Good at seeing
Beyond the now
Even as I worry
Incessantly about
The future so
Imagining and
Telling myself
Everything will
Be fine is certainly
Easier said than
Done and believed.
Chapter 516: Fight The Urge; To Binge & Purge
Chapter Text
It seems that
Throwing up
Has awakened
Something in me
That void has
Been crying out
And I have tried
To fill it without
Even realising
Until now as I
Stand facing
An open toilet
Yet again fighting
The instincts
Of a stomach
Full to bursting
As the night
Now draws in
Chapter 517: Words I Tell Myself
Chapter Text
I am not useless
Simply worthless
I am safe
Until someone else decides otherwise
I am strong
Just not mentally, physically or emotionally
I am smart
If you are dumb
I am worth more than my skills alone
Which is good since I possess very few
I deserve respect
Only when you have some to spare
I deserve good things
And bad things alike
I am loved
By those crazy enough to care
Chapter 518: As I Told My Sibling
Chapter Text
Eh.
I'm hanging in there.
(But this cold is kicking my butt.)
Got way too much to do
And not enough hours in the day
Nor motivation/energy anyway
To complete it all...
Basically just the usual
Only with a head full of mucus.
Sleep tight, good night!
Love you lots.
(Okay I'll shut up.)
Chapter 519: 1000
Chapter Text
Today marks the 1000th day
Since I last cut myself with intent
But there is no one person
I would tell this to face to face
Because I would not find joy
Only pain, sadness, guilt and regret
And I don't need to go to another
I know these feelings so very well
For I am also sad and regretful
I wish that that total was higher
Closer to my life's length in days
Than the sum of not even three years.
I have caused so much pain already
And I feel so guilty to mention it
And spark such anguish anew
But I don't want to see sadness
When I share such joyous news
I just would like someone to be happy
To celebrate along with me how
I've survived. I've made it. Even though
At times I felt certain that I would not.
So can there please be celebration
Toast for the future, for life and fun
For getting on with being me
Despite all the worry and fear or
The depression and heartache.
Today marks my 1000th day
So here's to one thousand more!
Chapter 520: Afterthought
Notes:
Epimetheus: Titan (ancient Greek god) of afterthought, brother to Prometheus (Titan of forethought)
Eris: Ancient Greek Goddess of Strife and Discord
Chapter Text
I am someone who
Lives life as an afterthought
So much so that old
Epimetheus would be proud
What I mean when I say this
Is that there seem to me
To be so many things which
Come ahead of just 'living'
Arguably some of it is required
Simply to continue being alive
Like food, water, sleep, air
But those are obligatory needs
Even those basic essentials
Give me trouble and I struggle
To manage all four at once
Often I must prioritise one
I am compromising on life
Always have and always will
I guess it is just the way I am
Stitched together with spare parts
But I'm talking about the pressures
The human constructions
Of time, money, status, love
Which all ought to chase
I chase knowledge because
It always feels like this is what I lack
As if knowing the difference
Between good and bad did Eve a favour
Time I know how little I have
Once I used to long for its end
And though now I do not beg
For its continuation I accept it
Money I wonder if I should be
Worrying about more because
I know I am lucky but still why
Does it trouble others and not me
Status is a tricky one because
Mine has always been somewhere
At the bottom looking up and
Trying to figure out who's on top
It's like being buried under an
Ancient Egyptian pyramid and
Being asked to describe who
Is standing at the very top
Impossible to live life in these times
Impossible for me anyway with
All of my struggles and strife
Eris is by my side that's for sure
Chapter 521: The Journal
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
28th March, 1859
Henry David Thoreau
The Concord River
Each one yields me a thought
I come nearer to the maker of it
Than if I found his bones
His bones would not prove
Any wit that wielded them
Such as this work of his bones does
It is humanity inscribed
On the face of the earth
These arrowheads record people
At every step I see it
And I can easily supply
The ‘Tahatawan’ or
‘Mantatuket’ that might
Have been written if he had a clerk…
They were not fossil bones
But as it were, fossil thoughts
Forever reminding me of
The mind that shaped them
Time will soon destroy
The works of famous
Painters and sculptors
But these arrowheads
Because they were so numerous
And yet so culture-specific
Will balk his – Time’s – efforts
And reward the patient
Seeker of the past
Notes:
Henry David Thoreau, The Journal, 1837–1861, ed. Damion Searls (New York: New York Review Books, 2009), 557.
Chapter 522: Childish Warfare
Chapter Text
I am in a pitched battle
Against my own body
It's like caring for a tiny child
Coaxing it to be fed or drink
Sleep or play or walk on its feet
Each moment is a war
Played out in milliseconds
Where any single choice
Makes for wasted meals
Ending up all over the floor
I talk to it, speak kindly
Question if I know it best
Because every day somehow
It manages to surprise me
Or shock me or scare me
Until I don't even know
Who is winning or even
Who is in control of who
Chapter 523: Fruit
Summary:
I can't believe I wrote this. In about ten minutes as well. So random and very 'me'. :)
I hope this doesn't come across as picky or stuck up - I'm just very opinonated about fruit, apparently!
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Apple is a morning fruit
Fit for breakfast alongside
Cereal, porridge or toast.
Not orange because it is
Too messy, sticky and smelly.
Peach and rhubarb are both
Acceptable for yogurts but
Pretty much nothing else;
Except rhubarb crumble
Which is divine, of course.
Blueberries could make
A nice mid-morning edition,
Not a super early snack
To kick start the day but
Something that is tempering
To propel one on their way.
They also make a great
Afternoon fruit when paired
With a good hot cup of tea
And a couple of biscuits,
But no more than two or three!
Apple too can serve in this role
But should, where possible,
Be reserved for the morning light
When it tastes the best and
Is at its crispiest and most refreshing –
For best results keep in a fridge!
Frozen cherries are a recommended
Evening dessert alternative, with
Good strong flavour and distinctive
Texture like no other – they can
Stand alone or be joined with
Chocolate or cream to really
Up the sweetness if so needed.
An acceptable back up option -
Meaning those found in a can -
Is pear, halved and in juice,
Which can taste sweet and
Crunchy too but lullingly so.
Unlike apples with their ability
To wake up and energise to go go go!
All of this is not to mention
The fruits of the dried variety:
Cranberries are a personal favourite,
But dried apple rings are heavenly.
Raisins are acceptable mostly,
Although the golden yellow kind
Are the softest, sweetest and best.
Prunes are tasty but in minimal
Quantities unless toilets are a hobby.
Dates might be dry but go well
With yoghurt and granola supposedly.
Dried cherries again offer a somewhat
Interesting flavour and texture
Combination, similar to cranberries
They possess a uniquely powerful
Sourness in their dried form.
So different and standout from
Raisins, prunes, and all the rest
With their wrinkly sweet sticky goo.
Fresh strawberries are a seasonal
Dish to be consumed only
In summer sun, with cream
If so desired or just sweet
And juicy and gleaming red without.
Frozen raspberries also make
A superb summery snack
And are again quite the unique
Textural sensation – but which
Are pleasantly lighter, almost
Airy and fluffy compared to
Sometimes dense, cold cherries.
They crush in one’s mouth
And have just enough of a hint
Of sourness to make the
Tongue happily tingle in delight!
Grapes are a classic of course,
An ancient and valued commodity;
Arguably better when not rotten
And in a soup of their own juices,
But then I’m not really a wine person.
Fresh and cool - not frozen necessarily
Although it is a nice option with these -
Red, green, black, does not matter so
Long as they are big and juicy and clean
The colour makes little difference
To their sweet taste and incomparable
Internal structure, plus unseeded is best.
A plum can be delicious provided
It is cut before being bitten into,
As the explosion of dark liquid
That can result is sticky and icky;
But the taste is phenomenal
When it is exactly the craving
And the texture is perfection
Compared to a fuzzy cardboardy
Peach or slimy nectarine even,
Though these can be passable
If also pre-segmented and chilled.
I do not like banana, despite
It’s claim on high potassium,
Nor melon for its smell and texture
Though I adore their pretty shells!
Orange slices I love to have
But can only manage in small
Amounts due to their acidity.
From a tin, in their own juice
Is preferable to avoid the
Skins’ most pungent aroma.
Kiwi and many many others
Are far too exotic for me;
Who has just written an
Around 600 word poem
Specifically about what
Particular fruit I like to eat…
Notes:
630 words exactly, in case your interested! :)
Chapter 524: Sometimes
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think I'm normal
But it's like waking from a dream
The details slip away as soon
As I am in a moment when
It is clear just how abnormal I am
Sometimes I wonder if it's all pretend
If who I am is just a character
Playing a role, wearing a mask
Without even realising it, until
It falls away and I see someone else
Sometimes I want to be anything else
I make believe, daydream and
Fantasise a million other lifetimes
Not because I dislike my own
But to stretch these acting muscles
Sometimes I like to act like I am broken
It makes it easier to accept the bad
Sad and scared parts of me are there
But they, like most people, are not
All that I am, all I will ever be allowed
Sometimes I hope that I am normal
Or at least normal for this abnormal
Label I have been given by the normals
To be accepted by the outcast seems
A regular occurrence in my life
Sometimes I wish I had superpowers
To go where I want, learn everything
I possibly can and more, to read minds
To fly and heal and live forevermore
But I am only human, just not the norm
Sometimes I find myself in shattered
Pieces like a mirror that's been smashed
Sometimes I find myself in dappled
Sunlight lying on happy lush green grass
Sometimes I find myself in who I see
When I actually look into the mirror
Sometimes I cannot find myself at all
I am a ghost to me, a mystery, even to myself
Chapter 525: Poem For My Sibling
Chapter Text
For when we go our separate ways
You off to Wales and me still here
Stuck like always – both of us brave
Mad and smart, in equal proportions
Just in different ways, so you’d say
But no matter where you go or how
Far away, even to another country
All the way from here to there
I will still love you, even when
I’m not there to give you the hugs
That you deserve and maybe need
When you’re struggling but I’m me
And don’t ever know the right thing
To say to make you feel better
Only to smile for a little while maybe
Yet I hope that you as read these
Words and you’ll hear what I can’t
Ever seem to say to you out loud
All that my tongue fails to sound
But that my fingers can type somehow
And I hope that perhaps you can
Understand me better, in those
Troubled moments when you
Actually open up and reveal pain
To me and I just nod distractedly
I’m so useless with spoken word
But here I pour them all out
For you I will write a thousand
Poems if I can make my sibling smile
Chapter 526: Myths of Monsters
Chapter Text
Today is a day when
Those myths of old
Seem so believable
When those stories
Of ancient beasts
Ring true not fearful
Such fearsome creatures
With appetites unending
And bottomless stomachs
That could swallow
Whole cities and still
Be hungry for more
Today is a day when
I believe in the phantoms
Told in whispers and shadows
I relate to the Wendigo
Formed from the husks
Of starving peoples
I find sympathy with
The sea monster who
Was gifted a maiden
I pity the giants their
Gigantic appetites finally
Ceasing only in death
For today is a day when
The myths all seem possible
Because the biggest monster
The most horrendous one
With the biggest appetite
Right now, is simply me
Today is a day of never
Ending eating until like
A tragic myth, I explode
And have only myself to blame.
Chapter 527: The Procedure For Using Public Toilets
Chapter Text
Step One:
Check toilet bowl for traces leftover from the previous occupant.
Step Two:
Check for sufficient toilet paper, which might involve peering under.
Step Three:
Check the door will close; and locks but also unlocks – very important!
Step Four:
Check the seat for moisture and wipe with paper regardless.
Step Five:
Check the floor for debris of the wet or dry variety, avoid if able.
Step Six:
Proceed and hope the toilet flushes too…
Chapter 528: Lines On My Face
Chapter Text
I don't know why people hate it when
Lines appear on their faces, as to me
It is a wonderous thing though I admit
That I wonder why this change causes
Joy when so many others result in hate
The most obvious are on my forehead
From every time I've raised my eyebrows
Which I like to believe I have done a lot
I can be rather sarcastic with my brow-spression
The next obvious, but decreasingly so
Are the few little upward creases which lie
Between my fearsome and active eyebrows
These lines show my frowns but are no less treasured
Around my eyes are very few lines as of yet
The faint beginnings of those things called ‘crows feet’
Maybe if I squint in the mirror but on the whole
There's just the usual bags below them sitting quietly
I don't have many 'laugh lines' so those I notice
I love all the more, a line I used to think showed
My cheeks getting saggy I've realised actually
Is an indicator of only the widest biggest of smiles
Beyond all that, I guess my face is fair - besides
All the spots and stray hairs and freckles and such
Also ignoring the horizontal creases on my neck
The unfortunate results of poor posture, I suspect
Chapter 529: Therefore
Chapter Text
I think therefore I am
But how does thinking
Prove existing?
For even if I think
- Even if I am -
Then how does this
Prove all your existences?
For why you might not
Just be the result
Of my own imaginings?
It has happened before.
I think therefore you are
I am therefore I think
And what about feeling?
Where does feeling come into this?
I think therefore I feel
I feel therefore I am
I am therefore I feel
I feel therefore I think
And feeling is more
Than just emotions.
It is the sensing too.
The senses provide input,
Which is then processed
And thought about,
And then reacted to with feeling.
I sense, I think, I feel,
Therefore I am.
What about words?
What about speaking,
Conversing, writing,
Songs, poetry,
Plays, musicals,
Books and scripts?
So many words we write
And say and sing
Out loud to a tune
We have also made.
Music is a kind of language too.
Alongside so many others
- Spoken and silent alike -
That humanity has created.
I speak therefore I am
I use words therefore I am
I create therefore I am
(Because I think)
(Because I feel)
I create..
Therefore I am
I am a poet therefore I think
Therefore I feel and sense
And create with words
I am that I am
I am therefore I write
Chapter 530: Be Ready
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think
I am living life
Just for future me
To look back on
I take notes and
Write a diary
Take photos and
Videos of my days
I write poems to
Capture what I am
Thinking and
Feeling in a moment
Because I know
One day it will
All be lost and
I won't remember
I fear the passage
Of time erasing
And eroding away
My dear memories
I cling to even the
Ones that hurt
Because they are
All precious to me
My memories teach
Me who I am and
Why I am like I am
Now and tomorrow
Who will I be if
I forget them someday
When no one else
Is left to remind me
So I make my lists
And save them all
Every random item
Of productivity
So I take thousands
Of photos of many
Seemingly random
And unimportant things
So I talk and I speak
And record my voice
To remember how
I used to sound
So I write all my
Thoughts and my
Feelings down
In my poems
Which I post online
To preserve and
Save in case of so
Many eventualities
I am always planning
And making ready
For the day things
Will change forever
And sometimes I feel
More ready than not
But I know that no matter
My preparations
Some day all I am will
Fade away and be
Forgotten by the world
I used to exist in
Chapter 532: Tribute To My Home
Chapter Text
It's weird to be alone
Here in this place
My childhood home
It feels wrong like
An itching feeling
Running up my spine
It's so empty and
Dark and cold and
Yet it shouldn't be
There's no one here
But me and all
The spiders who keep
Emerging from their
Hiding places now
There's only me
To try to deal with them
With shaking hands
And faltering steps
Apparently more
Frightened of their
Many legs than
The oppressive shadows
In the day it is okay
Bearable and the
Quiet can more
Easily be distracted from
I play music, chatter away
Work and write
Move in the space
Occupy it as intended
But when night falls
The rooms grow cold
And the silence fills them
I am no longer enough
To exist here alone
I rattle around its
Large emptiness
Like a single penny
In a big glass jar
And I cannot be
Enough, loud nor
Busy nor passionate
To sufficiently hide
This discomforting
Loneliness and
Awful awful quiet
And I know too
That when I wake
All will have stayed
Exactly the same
Nothing will have
Changed or moved
Except maybe time
And the rabbits outside
The discarded plates
And dirty mugs - all
As empty as this
House is and my soul
Seems to be right now -
They will not have
Shifted an inch at all
The air closed off
From outside currents
Will not swirl until
I move through it
And it moves through
My lungs and out again
And so I cannot help
But wonder about
The day when this
Old dear house will
Stand empty and
Just remain so
With no inane chatter
And domestic clatter
Echoing about its walls
With no sleeping heads
Resting in their beds
Below it's ceilings
No inspiring gaze
Staring and imagining
Out of it's often
Quite mucky windows
It will be left to time's mercy
One day, I don't know when
As we will all must be eventually
Because one day I will be gone
And my feet will never again
Tread around these rooms
Tracing footprints of memories
One day this house will be alone
More alone than I feel now
No longer a home but instead
Reduced to a sum of its parts
Walls, windows, roof and doors
A house but no one is home
Chapter 533: Sex In My Life
Chapter Text
I thought my virginity was
An error to be remedied
A problem to be fixed
Sooner or later because
All would see my lack of
Experience as naivety
Not as having figured out
Base desire and never
Found the need to venture
Any further than that so
Sated all by myself as
A relationship of any kind
Is not something I reckon
I could maintain nor initiate
Not that anyone has the
Slightest interest in me
So my few and far between
Moments of fantasy will
Have to suffice in real life
Chapter 534: An Ode To Stories
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I had forgotten
What reading was like
The way the stories
Came alive
The way words
Would dance
In my mind for
Days on end
Letters forming words
Which would be
Reshaped again and again
To form longer words
Sentences stacked
Together to fill
Page after page
Of sweet smelling paper
Its texture distinct
Brightly coloured covers
Juxtaposing the
Pale blandness
Of the off-white paper
And dark ink
I wonder which books
I own which are
Old enough to have
Been type-set
Not digitally replicated
Onto page after page
Rich rectangles
Which have actually
Felt the kiss of
Solid strong metal
Dipped in ink
Instead of a laser
It always amazes me
How the characters
Invade my brain
They march in
And I put up no resistance
And I welcome them
The conquering force
Surrendered to willingly
They set up camp
Take charge for a while
So that for a few moments
At a time I become them
The words said
Emotions felt
Thoughts thought
Deeds done
All mirror those from the tale told
Until the most vivid memories
Of their speech and actions
Until the story fades
Like light-worn paper
And I am released but
Never truly free of those words
Their stories will
Forever live on
In my memory
Even when I think
That I have forgotten them
A chance word
Or random sound or
Even smell
Reawakens the memories
Of time spent
Curled up with those
Ink-covered pages
Head bent as if in prayer
Over those sovereign sentences
I treasure them
The stories
Like books
Certainly unlike films
Or television
Stories are more alive
Books are an ancient way
Of conveying them
But stories are more
More than the words
Used to tell them
Written or read
Spoken or sung
More than the pictures
Conjured in imagination
More than their meaning
Or moral messages
More than a sum
Of their parts
They are special
So uniquely human
Different to every
One of us
No one can read
The same story
And hear the same words
Think the same thoughts
Feel the same feelings
In response to the tale
We all see things differently
We all see stories differently
We all are different
Either because of it
Or because we are different
Nothing can ever be replicated
In another’s mind than our own
But the stories don’t care
In fact they embrace
Our uniqueness
It helps them to thrive
The way they flow
From tongue to tongue
Is a part of their identity
The way we shift the telling
Between iterations
From campfire to campfire
From edition to edition
Time and memory twist
The words until the
Original story is hardly
More than a ghostly shadow
And maybe the old words
The old meanings and
Morals have been lost
Maybe the story
Has changed from
Inspiring fear or sadness
To joy or hope or peace
But a story it remains
It is still a story
Worth hearing
Worth being told
Worth sparing the time
To read or listen to
And pass on again
Even if it has changed
Even if transmuted
It is different
Like sand becoming glass
It is not the same
But no less beautiful
Poignant and precious
In its own light
If looked at in the right way
Like water becoming ice
A different form
Of the same core elements
Still something we cannot
Live without
Maybe it is the changing
Of it that makes us
Who we are
That a story cannot
Stay itself in our presence
That we must refashion it
Reshape it and mould it
Just a little
Just with the brushing
Of our fingertips as
We walk past
As it is so pleasurable
To do so in a library
Leaving fingerprints
On every spine
In those long lines
Of oft abandoned
Nearly forgotten tomes
As clay cannot help
But mould itself
To a hand that
Holds it even for
A moment before
Being handed over
To the next carrier
The next hand
To touch it and
Alter it and rescue it
The stories serve us well
And sometimes I think
They will be all that is left of us
One day when none of us
Breathe then our words
Our tales will remain like memories
Our story perhaps summed
Up in a few scant words
Some labels and a smattering
Of commiserations on a gravestone
Or urn and that will be us
It will be all we are
Reduced to and confined
Our story restrained
And I wonder if our words
Can or will break free
Of such a lonely cage
Will they explode beyond our lifetimes
To echo in distant futures
Scarcely imagined now
And resonate through centuries
Into eternity
Will they survive five minutes
Longer than the last time
We read them or spoke them
Or thought of them in their making
How often do we revisit
The old stories we made
The older memories already
Distant and fading with time
Aged and decrepit in places
How long before the memory
Of their birth and creation
Of the moment we formed
Those sentences and letters
Into meaning and wisdom
Or intense feeling and desperate thoughts
How can we know
When our words
Live on in the minds
And hearts of others
Who we haven’t even met
We do not know
Where our stories travel
It is our fate as those
Who create them
To be read or heard
Our curse and blessing
It is a wonder to think of
How far might our words
Have spread like the tide
Always creeping just
A little further than expected
Or anticipated maybe
These words I write
Or speak aloud or hear
From my own lips
In my own ears
So unique an experience
To myself and me
Resonating within
The quiet peaceful moments
Alone with my thoughts
With my words
And my story takes shape
One more page
Has now been written
One more sentence
Stacked neatly and carefully
Beneath the previous one
All type-set and I can see it
The ink dusted over
Metal pieces
Formed backwards
Forged of old
Their shape determined
By hands and people
So long ago who
I will never be able to name
And thank or criticise
Their order similarly
Decided on-mass
By all of us
One could argue
For what a word is
Or was or will be
How its spelt
How it sounds
How we use it
And what it can mean
These things are
Ours to control
If we choose to
But it is so easy
To follow in the footsteps
Ancient treads
Of those who have
Walked this way
So many times
Before our own
Nervous steps
Now we shape them
The words and reshape them
They are ready to plunge and press
All of this you might say
Is out of my control
But I can write this page
Here and now
I can take the words
Given and prepared
Over centuries
And form something new
Build a structure never
Known before
Never read or heard or sung
Construct my story
And hope it stands
And stays until
Long after my last breath
Notes:
If you like this then I would reccommend 'The Dictionary Of Lost Words' by Pip Williams.
Those words inspired these.
Chapter 535: I Will Be There
Chapter Text
When your world starts crumbling
I promise I'll be there
Standing right beside you
With my arms out in the air
Catching and deflecting debris
So nothing but dust touches your hair
Like a superhero if you need me to be
Or like Atlas bearing the weight of the sky
I will try and I will fight, you will see
Give you hugs or words if I can find them
Which sometimes I can't - you know me
No matter how far either of us go
You will never escape my love's gravity
So when everything seems dark and cold
Because I don't in fact have telepathy
Please just give me a call or a text
And I will be there if you need me
Loud or quiet, tough or gentle
To show you how much I care
When your world starts crumbling
I promise, I will be there.
Chapter 536: Words To Change The World
Chapter Text
I used to have a dream that
My words could change the world
Fix all the hurts I couldn't see
Make better the people in pain
How I shared them was always
Different but reached everyone
That needed to hear whatever
Important world-changing and
Life-altering, perspective-shifting
Things I had to say that day
Now I face reality where I realise
It is never ever so easy as just
Finding the right words to say
The correct means to share them
And wave the magic wand until
Everything is beautiful again
Until everyone is kind and gentle
Equal, fair, loving, caring and good
I try to hope that I'll live to see it
But I doubt that it will be my words
That could make it come true.
Chapter 537: Stormy Days (rewrite)
Chapter Text
I feel like I am in
The centre of a storm
A storm of me
My thoughts swirl
Around me so fast
I cannot tell one
From the other
I do not know
Where one fear ends
And the next begins
It's onslaught upon me
Anxiety grows like lava
Within the volcano
About to erupt that is me
Fears blur until terror has
It's claws deep in me
I cannot break free
I can't even see through
The dark clouds and
Raging gales, those
Floods of tears
Out of nowhere here
Scaring me. Now.
One minute happy
The other like this
The next curled in a ball
As my own personal
Hurricane engulfs me.
Eventually the dam will
Break and it will all
Be over soon, I know
Peace will be restored
But for now I must endure
Search for the lighthouse
Appearing soon on the
Distant blurred horizon
Arms reaching out
Until the rain dissipates
And I can breathe in
As the sea calms
And the winds die
Balance returns
Peace is with me
Chapter 538: Suicide Story-Time
Chapter Text
There has been one time
That I tried to kill myself.
Ironically and somewhat
Confusingly, at the time,
In the moment, I didn't realise
The intent, deep and dark,
Behind those vaguely
Curious or bored actions.
But enough about that.
If you are familiar with
The concept or event
Known as 'sports day'
Then this story will
Require little context.
It was a bright summer's
Day in June probably,
The whole school of
12-18 year olds outside
Covering the grass
Baking in the sunshine
Lazily watching the
Selected unfortunate
Athletes race and chase.
Most were bored and
Making their own fun
However they could.
Chatter and noise rose,
Never ceasing only
Undulating with a burst
Of cheers when someone
It really didn't matter who
Crossed a finishing line.
There's your context, anyhow.
I was overwhelmed.
To put it bluntly, and
Looking back I can
At least understand
Why my nerves were
So stretched and raw
From the brightness and
Unending cacophony
Assaulting my ears
With the sun's heat
Just one thing more
That I couldn't process
Or deal with right then.
That's when the thoughts began.
I realised how distracted
Everyone around me was.
My friends, I did have some,
Were half asleep or caught
Up in their own conversations
Which I was too dizzy to
Attempt to join them in.
The teachers too, even those
I knew very well and trusted,
Perhaps trusted too much,
They had other concerns
Like those causing chaos
And disruption in the crowds.
I was one student and should
Not have been prioritised
Above the collective needs.
I agreed even now with this assessment.
But I was getting desperate.
My thoughts were spiralling
Progressively darker and
Altogether colder than
The beautiful blue sky might
Have suggested ever possible.
I came to a realisation that
Was quickly, thankfully,
Followed by a second one:
I could do it, there and then.
But I didn't want to... And I was scared.
Let me explain. All students
Were supposed to be outside
And the staff with them.
Toilets were inside and being
Regularly accessed by those
Who needed them, obviously
As it was a hot day and lots
Of water needed to be drunk.
I could easily plead a need
And be granted permission
Back into the buildings where
It was only too simple to find
An empty classroom far
From the chaos and crowds.
No one would be looking
For me, not for hours or more.
I had the tools, because of
Course I still carried them.
I had a more benign need
For them on a regular basis.
Like I said, I could actually do it.
The temptation was there.
I had means and opportunity.
And motive, if I'm being honest.
I didn't understand the desire
But I never really questioned
It either, I just wanted to die.
That simple until the feelings
Became plans and probabilities
Which terrified me, all at once
My survival instinct began to
Fight and a panic attack ensued.
I needed someone to stop me.
I couldn't stop myself, just
Delay and put it off a little.
So I went looking for help.
My words, from what I can
Remember, were very jumbled
And likely barely understandable.
I was nearly reliant on telepathy
Which, as perhaps to be
Expected, failed consistently.
Teacher after teacher, I located
And approached to only be
Brushed aside or even outright
Told to go away! It's okay,
I guess, they couldn't have known.
Except, somehow, one did.
She was a favourite. One of
My English teachers and
Sufficiently brimming with
Maternal calming energy.
I wasn't even looking for
Her exactly, I'd been told
She was doing other jobs
And was not on the grass,
But there she was, in front
Of me in the crowd now
So loud in my head I couldn't
Hear what she was saying.
I think she held my shoulders,
Maybe after I had literally
Bumped into her on my
Way from the latest dismissal.
I don't think I said anything,
If I did then I severely doubt
It was much more than a
Garbled unintelligible mess
But somehow she knew
Something was not okay.
So she did something about it.
Retrospectively maybe it
Shouldn't be so surprising
That she chose to drop
Everything she was doing
And guide me from out
There into cool, quiet indoors
But I knew, particularly then,
That she didn't have to.
And if in fact she did, what
Did that makes all the others
Who had refused to help
And did their ignorance
Excuse their failure to act?
I still haven't decided about that.
I never explained what
I nearly ended up doing
That summer's sports day.
I never told her that she
Saved my life then. Maybe
Because for quite a while
Afterwards, not until some
Time after she left the school,
Did I feel like she saved me
For anything good or worth it.
But now, knowing all I got
To experience and learn
When given the time to heal
And escape that black hole,
I am glad she helped me
When she didn't have to.
I still don't understand how she knew.
I still ponder it now and then,
Wondering what instead might
Have happened if or when
I managed to get out of the sun
Alone and unsupervised like
I know I could have so easily.
Would I have done what I later
Tried to do out of vague interest
And spilt blood from my veins
Until there was not enough left?
Would someone have found me
And made me live to face the
Consequences or would the
Consequences have fallen on
The shoulders of those who
Had previously turned me away?
Dead or alive, I presume there would be consequences.
This is why I say I have only
Ever tried to kill myself once.
Because one I tried the act
And got tired of trying yet
Another time I felt the urge
More powerfully than anything
I've ever felt before or since
And I realise looking back
That if ever the two had
Synchronised without ample
Warning or support systems
I would not be writing this now.
Chapter 540: Mental Health Detective
Chapter Text
I am a detective
Of my mental health
I search for clues
Follow the trail
Of tears until
I find means or
Opportunity
(Never search for
Reason nor motives)
Like have I eaten
Or slept or drank
Enough or are
Hormones plotting
Chapter 541: Imperfectly Whole
Chapter Text
Can I say I am broken
Without implying that
I need fixing?
Could I say I am damaged
Without suggesting
I should be perfect?
Might I reveal how
I am not okay
With no questions
About my state
Until I am again?
Because course
One day I will
Again be 'okay'.
Chapter 542: From The One You Had To Leave Behind
Chapter Text
I feel like I know
You anymore
Not because you’ve
Changed your name
Or cut your hair or
Have gone off
I don’t know where
To life your life
And have your fun
But because the
Person that I knew
Who was my friend
Who with I also grew
That person wasn’t you
Not yet at least and
I watched you realise
That too and more
See I find enough peace
In knowing you are happy
Because I so hope you are
You deserve so much to be
I just think you are happier
Without reminders of
Who you were before
You were who you are
Chapter 543: Doomed
Chapter Text
If all of history
Has happened before
Then all of history
Can happen once more
We could slam
All the doors
And smash
All the plates
But what does
It matter if
We can't change
Our fates?
Chapter 544: Food Questing
Chapter Text
I'm searching
For a food
To satisfy
A craving
Only I don't
Know exactly
What texture
Or flavour
I am hunting
So I take
A bite or
A sniff to
Try and
Determine
If it will fill
The void
Quietly
Screaming
And hope
That soon
I will find
Whatever
I am needing
Because
With every
Bite my
Stomach
Contents
Increases
Without
Satiating
The hunger
And I know
From past
Experience
That even
If I am full
To bursting
If I cannot
Locate what
I require
Then I will
Simply keep
On eating
Until some
Food's taste
Or texture
Successfully
Quells the
Desperate cries
So I search
Carefully
With knowledge
Of my own
Preferences
To guide me
And hoping
I will complete
My quest
Before my
Traitorous
Stomach
Expels it all
Chapter 545: The Knives In My House
Chapter Text
Every knife in my house
Is dull - by choice, by design.
What exactly do you infer
From such a statement?
What can you discern about
Me and, I'll give you a clue,
My somewhat dubious
Mental state. What an epic
Opening line to greet my
New therapist with, huh?
Hello, my name is... Then
Followed immediately by
I am a ducking crisis just
Waiting to happen. Okay?
You got the picture now,
Or do I need to clarify with
I keep a full box of antiseptic
Wipes in a cardboard box
At the back of a cupboard
Out of mere habit more than
Anything else - but you will
Make your own judgement
About the truth of that
No matter what I tell you.
Chapter 546: Knifeless
Chapter Text
A knife even if
Its edge is dull
Or sharp is not
Dangerous 24/7
For it cannot cut
Without a person
Instigating it to do so
And unless a person
Is holding it possesses
No risk whatsoever
It is faulty logic to
Presume items may
Prompt thought to
Dictate action when
In fact an object can
Only be viewed or
Used though it might
Spark up memories
Chapter 547: Strangers Like Me?
Chapter Text
I wanna know
Can you show me?
Something familiar
About these
Neurodivergents
Like me...
Do I want to know?
Could you tell me?
So much unfamiliar
About these
Neurotypicals
I meet...
Chapter 548: The Struggle To Come
Chapter Text
This is a lot harder than
I thought it would be
But the first day was
Always going to be the
Worst, I guess and hope
So this is going to be way
More difficult than I first
Supposed but that doesn't
Mean I'm giving up, just that
This will take more energy
Willpower to get me through
Chapter 549: Camping For The First Time
Chapter Text
The wind shakes the tent
And my heart beat quickens
I clutch at my sleeping bag
Let its plastic folds slide
Between my fingers and
Glide against my sleeves
I am all bundled up safe
Tucked inwards away from
The cold and the wind but
I have no peace in my heart
My breathing becomes rapid
And I focus on the words
I must use to describe so
That this fear is contained
Within the terms I bestow
Limited to a page and poem
So I may sleep well tonight
Chapter 550: Hello Fear
Chapter Text
I grip it tight.
Legs planted
Back straight
Arms locked.
'Why do you
Hold onto me?'
It whispers
'I'm nothing
You want or
Even like.'
"But at least
I can feel you
And I know
You very well."
I reply quietly.
'So I am a comfort
To you then?
How strange you are.'
It answers.
"No don't do that
Don't try to
Frighten me away."
'Why? Will it work?'
"Probably. But you
Don't really
Want me to let go."
'Perhaps I do.
Perhaps I want
To be free from
My duty to warn
You because
You need protecting
But do you listen?'
"No. I don't always
Listen to you but
That's because
You aren't always
Right about me."
'Am I right now?
Are you Afraid?
And don't know why?'
"Yes. And I want
To let go."
'But you're too
Afraid of
What will happen
If you do.'
Chapter 551: Electrified
Chapter Text
All of my nerve endings
Are singing a chorus
Out of harmony and
Chaotically carousing
It blasts my brain until
There is nothing but
A cacophony of noise
Drowning out all else
I cannot think nor focus
On anything except
The hand trembling
Twitching and shaking
Hanging in the air
Like a dead thing
In front of my face
Chapter 552: This Is A Slow Breakdown
Chapter Text
This is a slow breakdown.
I can feel my arms flailing
Whirling through the air
In a frantic effort to keep
My balance on this ledge
This is a slow breakdown.
A slippery slope, a decline
Which picks up speed
The closer I get to the end
And leaves my stomach behind
This is a slow breakdown.
Like a tiny crack in a dam
Quietly letting all the water
Trickle out and wear away
The walls until the hole is all
This is a slow breakdown.
And I am afraid I cannot
Stop it now, with all the
Warning bells ringing
And the sirens sounding
This is a slow breakdown.
Am I too late to escape it?
Can I take flight and fly away?
Can I claw myself back up?
Can I barricade the barriers
And just wait until I can breathe?
Chapter 553: Out of Control
Chapter Text
I feel like I am
Trying to steer
An out of control
Carriage with
A herd of runaway
Horses and
A cargo of fragile
Stacked teapots
Chapter 554: If I Had A...
Chapter Text
If I had a blade in reach
I would grab it tight
Let it spill my blood
With no end in sight
But I'm not so dumb
To have brought one
So I'm left scratching
My skin with a stone
Sharped to a point or
'Forgetting' suncream
So I go red and burn
But if I had a blade
I don't think I could
Hold back for long
I would pick it up
And never let it go
Chapter 555: Trying To Communicate
Chapter Text
I'm sorry
I promised
To keep you
In the loop
And this is
Me trying
I hurt myself
Scratched
Up my arm
And I can't
Give you a
Good excuse
As to why
Things that
Should be
Easy and
So simple
Are not and
I'm working
So hard to
Make things
Go right but
Clearly I'm
Failing at that
I hope this
Will pass as
I settle more
Get used to
The routine
But I have no
Guarantees
To offer you
So I'm sorry
Because all
I am giving
You is more
Problems and
No solutions
But I said
I would keep
You in the loop
So this is me
Trying to explain
What's going
On in my head
And what is
Happening as
A result of it
Chapter 556: UnSafe
Chapter Text
I don't feel safe
I don't feel safe
I mutter this mantra
To myself
Because it's the
Only way I can
Explain my feelings
The urge hits me like
A wave of the ocean
I was happily swimming
In only a few hours ago
One rush and I'm underwater
Gasping out loud as
All air suddenly leaves me lungs
My thoughts race with
Potential methods and excuses
But I run for those who
Might have a chance
In hell of making me feel safe again
Chapter 557: Fishful
Chapter Text
My emotions are fish
Swimming in a pond
Seemingly large and
Closer to the surface
Than they actually are
Because when I reach
For them they scatter
To the depths and
My hands stay empty
So all I can do is watch
Observe their patterns
And hope I will know
The moments when
They rush upwards
To breathe that little
Bubble which feels
Like an explosion in
My head and be maybe
A bit prepared for it.
Chapter 558: The Goose That Could Only Hop
Chapter Text
Have you ever heard
The one about the
Goose that could hop
It spent all its days
Never knowing it
Could stop because
All the other geese
Around it always said
You can't walk at all
You can only hop
So of course the goose
Believed them and
Took those kind birds
At their word but
When a little seed of
Doubt at their copious
Declarations grew
In the hopping goose's
Mind until it tried to
Walk instead of hop
One day and simply
Fell down straight away
So you see the hopping
Goose could only
Ever hop because
Though words may
Leave their mark it is
The bar set within our
Own hearts which
Dictates this life
Chapter 559: Going Down
Chapter Text
No I did not throw myself down the stairs
That is not what just happened there
I was tired, really really tired that's all
Already walking slowly and unsteadily
I tripped and stumbled down a section
Of those stairs but I did not really fall
And even if I could have stopped that
Swaying and tottering movement which
So propelled me downwards abruptly
Then I still would only have fell down
I can pretend quite well that I did not
Stand shivering and more than half asleep
Contemplating the fall before it occurred
Knowing all that could happen if it did
Even still choosing to use those stairs
When I could have walked around
And knowing the likelihood of slipping
That does not mean I threw myself down
I was just too sleep deprived to decide
A better option and selected the one
Which potentially brought sleep faster
No I did not wrestle with the urge there
Stood at the top in the dim dusk light
Looking at all the tents with sleeping people
Realising how many I might wake if I fell
I did not feel the urge to just tilt forwards
Out into thin and let gravity do its work
I simply stumbled and didn't really try
To catch myself or limit the impact but
Human instincts have something else to say
I felt the jolt and felt glad for the adrenaline
I lay there at the bottom and wanted
To never move again or just sleep there
Shivering but so comforted in feeling nothing
Numb to all that mattered just waiting
For the saviour and heroine to appear
They did not and I woke up and tottered
The rest of the way to my bed alone
So here I lie waiting for sleep to come
And wondering if I really fell at all
Chapter 561: More
Chapter Text
Am I worth the effort?
Am I worth all the
Trouble I have caused?
We both know I didn't mean to.
Does that excuse the end result?
Do you regret the help
You gave me or the time
Spent in my company?
Can you ever earn back
Those minutes and more?
Will those words ever
Become unspoken?
Every time I ask then
You try to reassure me
With more wasted breath
Better put to use on
Someone else who is
Worth more than I am
Because we both know
I can't believe it and
I will continue to doubt
Because words and actions
Are different beasts who
So very often do not agree
Chapter 562: Left Here While You're There
Chapter Text
You remind me that
I have your number
Tell me I can call
(Let's be honest
I will only ever text)
If I 'need' you but
What if I don't
'Need' you and
Only want you
Will you still come
All the way back
To make me feel
Safer and happier
As great a comfort
As it is to know
I can contact you
And with a thirty
Minute delay for
The driving time
Have you back here
Should I 'need' to
It is almost cruel
From my perspective
To dangle that hope
And ability to receive
Comfort when always
Knowing I will
Never risk hurting
Or inconveniencing you
Never be brave
Enough to reach out
And take the hand
Held out waiting to
Help me to stand again
Because I don't want
To pull you down
In here with me
Because in this pit
Everything hurts
And the only thing
That could possibly
Hurt worse is if
I wasn't alone here
And knew that
Someone was hurting
Too and I couldn't
Help them because
Their pain was my fault
Chapter 563: Three Years Since
Chapter Text
It's been three years
And I didn't even realise
Three years and one
Month exactly, today
Three years have
Gone by and it still
Feels like yesterday
I was too caught up
In the stresses of
Now to remember
And dwell upon
Those of long ago
This past week
I have struggled
Fought harder than
I've had to for a few
Months I reckon
And I didn't think
To check even
When I was stuck
Remembering then
Reliving it, I suppose
Three years later
And I'm still there
Not most of the time
For that I am so
Grateful for as
Otherwise I would
Surely not be alive
But even though
So much time has
Passed, I'm not free
And with every year
That slowly and
Not at all surely
Slips past me
I begin to realise
That some part
Of me will always
Be there and then
Staring at the latest
Stains and droplets
Of gleaming red
And I grieve for
The person who
Might have been
Chapter 564: Statement Of Proof
Chapter Text
I have been clean
From cutting myself
For three years
One month and
One day now
I am proud of this.
Chapter 565: 103 Rules of Archaeology
Chapter Text
1) Remember, life is full of disappointment and so is archaeology - get used to it
2) 'Archaeologist' and 'normal' do not go together, so expect weird humans to be present
3) An archaeological dig will test your immune system in ways you don't expect
4) It will also test your patience, sanity and fitness - in other words, you will arrive at the dig a twig and leave hench (Remember, 'hench' rhymes with 'trench')
6) If you start the dig mentally and emotionally stable, then be prepared to leave the opposite - but don't worry, sanity is overrated (but have your therapist ready on speedial anyway)
7) A good hat is the mark of an experienced archaeologist
8) The best hat is one that is big enough to hide your face in any potential photos
9) You can never have enough pockets
10) Shorts are for the brave and bold
11) Your shoes will give out before you do
12) Any white clothing will not stay white
13) You will never have any clean socks, but this is fine as no one else will either
14) Wear layers in all weather conditions
15) If they predict sun, expect rain
16) If they predict rain, expect wind
17) If they predict wind, expect kite-flying
18) Always complain about the weather, even if it's 'good' objectively (especially if British)
19) Digging in the 'rain' - while wearing ten layers and somehow still being cold and wet - is a right of passage for British archaeologists
20) Never dig sand or silt on a windy day - if this is unavoidable, then wear goggles and a gas mask.
21) Beware of the sunburn, even when it's cloudy - if you think you don't need suncream: you do
22) Be warned: chalk is like snow and will reflect the sun to create the rarely seen 'under-chin sunburn'
24) Do not try to dig baked clay - concrete would be easier
25) Remember, if there was no dirt there then there will be soon (the dirt always finds a way)
26) Unexpected places dirt will end up include but are not limited to: noses, ears, eyes, lungs and socks.
27) Sneezing dirt is recommended. If there is no dirt present when you blow your nose, do not be concerned, it will make its appearance sooner or later
28) Crying mud is welcome and crying in general is a common occurrence
29) Hand sanitizer will move dirt but not remove it
30) Bugs spray never works but use it anyway
31) Water may be heavy to carry but it is worth it to avoid dehydration - if in doubt, drink more water
32) Never say no to free food
33) It is recommended to bring snacks, however it is not recommended to eat all of them
34) Don't worry, dirt is nutrious - as are bugs
35) Always be nice to the person who can provide a cup of tea
36) A true dig will have a designated 'vomit bush'
37) Be sympathetic to the person with hayfever, if you are that person then I'm sorry
38) Thank the person with the tasty blood that keeps all the midges away from you
39) Do not be afraid of using deodorant on your feet or anyone else
40) Always be polite to the person who can provide a working toilet - a Portaloo is both a privilege and an ordeal
41) However, there is nothing wrong with peeing behind a bush if it avoids walking a big hill
42) Remember, the walk to site is never as long as it is on the first day
43) If 'hill' is in the name of the site, do not wb surprised if you've got to climb one
44) You will discover muscles you never knew you had, and they will hurt
45) Once one muscles stops hurting another will start
46) If you don't have bruises, then you've done something wrong - comparing bruises is a bonding exercise, so each morning list and compare aches and injuries to feel validated
47) Paracetamol and Ibuprofen are you bestest friends
48) The risk assessment is not a to-do list
49) A minimum of five hospital trips will occur - either aim to be none of these or all of them, you choice
50) Kneeling is uncomfortable but squatting is worse
51) At some point you will lose feeling in your feet - this is normal
52) Do not forget to stand up every so often to let the blood return to your lower limbs - remember, pins and needles is not life-threatening, even if sometimes it feels like it is
53) If you stop moving for five minutes, it will ten twenty to get going again
54) Even if you select a spot without poo/rocks, they will materialize when you sit down
55) A post-lunch nap is wonderful right up until the moment you have to get back to work
56) Distract the Supervisors to gain a longer breaktime
57) Ask the veterans for good dig stories as they will definitely have a couple of crazy ones up their sleeve - but be prepared for them to promptly talk your off
58) Volunteers are friends, not food
59) If you do not claim a trowel, someone will claim yours
60) If you lose a pen, you will never see it again
61) If there is a reporter on site, always look busy
62) If a visitor asks if you've found anything, always say yes (even if you haven't)
63) The 'best find' of the dig will of course be found the instant you are not there
64) Trench envy is universal and infinite
65) There is always someone doing a worse task than you and there is always someone doing a nicer one
66) The Exile Trench is always a punishment even when the Supervisior maintains it is not
67) While finding things is not technically the aim, it is always nice, but if you find something don't get too excited as it's probably just a rock - remember, not all stones were created equal
68) If there is no archaeology to be found then a sacrificial victim will be chosen to become the archaeology
69) 90% of archaeology is the moving of dirt - the last 10% is confusion
70) The spoil heap is in fact a competition to see how high you can build it - naps in the spoil heap are not recommended, however tempting
71) Be warned the literal shovelling of shit may occur
72) For archaeogists the 'bone zone' has a very different meaning!
73) Remember, archaeology is just careful and legal grave robbing
74) While stirring your cup of tea with a trowel might feel like the Ultimate Archaeologist Move always wash the trowel first to avoid copying the Victorians in their habit of consuming the dead.
75) Sometimes subtlety is overrated, so use a mattock - never forget that a mattock is a good tool for removing limbs
76) Sometimes subtlety is required so get your magnifying glass
77) Do not suggest the use of dynamite even as a joke
78) Supervisors will always make a mess - they will also expect to to then clean up said mess
79) Supervisors are human too, which means they need to eat and sleep just as much as (if not more than) you - this means that they can also make mistakes
80) For everyone's benefit, an unhappy Supervisor is to be avoided at all costs
81) If a Supervisor tells you that one bit of dirt is different to another bit, nod and pretend you believe them
82) Keep digging, even if you're not sure what you're digging for - but if you hit bedrock, you've gone too far
83) If you dig so far that you see sunlight and meet an Australian: well done, you've done the impossible so be very proud of yourself
84) Should water begin flooding the trench you have either hit a water main or the weather is seeking vengeance - in this case, break out the scuba gear as you are now a marine archaeologist
85) Use multiple labels and assume one will get lost
86) Double check your knots (especially shoelaces) as they will come undone at the most inconvenient moments
87) Triple check your measurements every time - do not let someone with discalcula complete a drawing unsupervised
88) Hoarding pretty rocks is understandable but not always permy so be sneaky
89) Finds accidentally left in pockets are not unusual but always awkward to return
90) Strategic pauses to 'admire the view' are highly recommended - particularly when walking up a steep hill
91) Be prepared for time to lose all meaning and one's phone battery percentage to become the most important number to be aware of in any given time
92) Always aim to be able to walk away for ten minutes and not return to utter chaos - this mostly apples to Supervisors but is generya nice aim for all
93) If the 'delete all' button exists, at some point someone will accidentally press it
94) De-turfing is a special skill: either you have it or you don't
95) Barrowing requires speed and agility - when barrowing no additional points will be awarded for the number of toes ran over
96) Finds cleaning is satisfying but not for those easily bored by monotony - shovelling is equally monotonous but is significantly less satisfying
97) When cleaning human bone with a toothbrush, a dark sense of humour is required to cope
98) You will always think that your handwriting is neater than the previous person's - this is incorrect
99) When post-excavation begins you will instantly forget everything you did
100) Students make excellent free labour but should not be left unattended for long periods of time
101) Students never know what they're doing even when they do
102) If in doubt, praise a student like you would a small puppy - excessively and constantly - as students survive on regular encouragement
103) Speaking of dogs, a dig mascot is essential - the more ironically named the better (all hail the Dig Dog!)
Chapter 566: Doing COVID Tests On Masse
Chapter Text
The rustle of packets
Being opened carefully
In a specific order
The dismissive glance
At the instructions pamphlet
We've all done this
Many times before
The slight pause
Accompanied by
A round of sighs
Before the echoes
Of retching begin
Some go the whole way
And sneezing follows
Pretty soon after
Then there is silence
As all heads bend
Over rectangles of plastic
Consulting the rising
Liquid to see their fate
One line is good
And two lines is bad
But no line is the worst
Because it means
You will have to
Do this all over again
Slowly the results
Are discovered
And there's quiet
Cheers and sighs
Of relief as the
Tension lessens
With each negative
What are we all
Doing with our lives
Sitting here in a tent
Doing COVID tests on masse
Chapter 567: Proud?
Chapter Text
Proud.
What does that mean.
To have pride?
What is pride?
To be happy for me?
Happy with me?
But I am not happy.
Are you trying
To make me feel
Happy like you?
You are proud
Of me
What does this mean?
You keep repeating
It like it should mean
Something
But all I think is
They are hollow words
That ought to be
Left for dead
The dictionary says
Proud is a deep feeling
Of pleasure and joy
A satisfaction
In response to
Achievements or
Qualities of oneself
Or I suppose of another
An adjective then
To cause someone
To feel proud
Or it means awareness
Of a person's dignity
And importance
Is that what you
Are saying to me?
Am I important?
To you or anyone else?
Are my actions
And decisions
Worth noting
Let alone worth
Judging as pleasing
You are proud
Are you really?
Or do you just think
That is the closest
Word to express
What you are feeling?
To convey what
You want to be comfort
To calm and encourage
Me in the face of
All this calamity?
Are you proud?
Am I proud?
Can I hate myself
And still be proud
Of some parts of me
Of some moments
And certain decisions?
I have failed and
Yet can I still
Be proud too?
How are you proud?
How does it feel?
Why are you telling me?
Does that make it
Mean something more
Or different if it is
Voiced aloud and
Revealed to me
Like a secret?
Chapter 568: Home Safe
Chapter Text
Well it's good to know
That home is not a cure
That sounds and silence
Still seem loud to my ears
That taste and texture
Still overwhelm and
All fabric on my skin
Even the soft carpet
Under my tired feet
Is never tuned out
Chapter 570: A Failed Experiment
Chapter Text
Well I shall call that
Exactly what it was
A failed experiment
Because to pretend
Otherwise would be
Ill-advised as I recover
My sanity and life
Chapter 571: Learn From The Bad
Chapter Text
In my view
I have failed
I can accept that
There has been
Good in this
Mad experience
Times when
I was really happy
That I have enjoyed
They have been
Worth dealing with
All the bad bits
At least to me
Part of me will
Always think that
If I had just tried
A bit harder or
Done somethings
Differently like if
I'd have said
Somethings sooner
Or explained my
Messed-up brain
With clearer words
And metaphors
Then this would
Have turned out
So much better for
Everyone involved.
Chapter 572: Not Healed Yet
Chapter Text
Healing doesn't mean
The damage never existed
It means it no longer
Has control over your life
But I thought I was free
I thought it no longer
Had control over me
It has been over three
Years now and I am
Not healed but still
Damaged and broken
Can I live this way?
Do I need to be fixed
Mended and made whole?
Or can my healing
Simply be realising
The damage will
Never be going away?
Chapter 573: These Three Tomboys
Chapter Text
When I was a child
Say ten or eleven
At my school there
Was the three of us
All labelled a most
Common phrase
For back then:
The 'tom boy'...
And I love to think
Of what occurred
As an excellent
Example of diversity
Growing up in
The 2000s there
Was no LGBT
To speak of
At least not that
I could ever see
'Trans' was not
A thing really
And any sexuality
Beyond simple
'Gay' or lesbian
Was a rarity
So there was us
Not particularly
Friends with each
Other but more
Like joined forces
Out of desperation
And necessity
To fend off the
Commentators on
Our fashion sense
Or to them I guess
Our lack of such
All more interested
In being outside
Running wild and
Yelling insane cries
Than whatever else
The normal female
Of our age was
Supposed to spend
Their time doing
But what is most
Interesting to me
Is what happened
Next because
We all moved on
Went out separate
Ways from then
And if you fast
Forward a few years
Say to about when
We were aged 16
You would find
A very different trio
For one I heard
It was just a phase
She became just
Like the rest of
Her gender in time
Although her gayness
Is suspect still
She returned to
Feminine clothing
And hair styles
Then the other
Member of our
Outcast group
Decided to go
All the way and
'Tom boy' was not
A sufficient name
He transitioned
About age thirteen
The earliest one
To do so who I
Ever knew or met
For which he has
My eternal respect
Then there's me
Not such an easy
One to categorise
But basically I have
Not changed so much
Though that's no
Suprise to any who
May know me well
Change and I do not
Get on so swell
If I had to pick
A label which would
Be a honour I have
Not often undertook
So swiftly given
Names and descriptions
Against my choosing
Probably if I had
To describe myself
It would be confusing
My dress style remains
Hardly feminine nor
For the male gaze
But just whatever
Is comfortable just
As it was back then
So there we were
The three 'tom boys'
Like lions in a zoo
Singled out as different
Which of course
We certainly were
Of that I have no doubt
The trio of divergence
One became a typical
Girlish being while
The other walked away
From all that female
Might ever mean and
Then there's me
The in between who
Just stayed the same
Who didn't change
For anyone including
Those who judged
And never stopped
I am the uncategorisable
Androgynous blob!
Chapter 574: Why would you care about me?
Chapter Text
Why would you care about me?
You say that you do and even
Back it up with your actions but
I just don't understand why or how.
How could you care about me?
I've done nothing but make trouble
Cause problems and create work
For you and for several others now.
I've caused you to lose sleep
And miss out on your private time
I've cost you energy and compassion.
Why did you choose to waste it on me?
Yet you continue to claim that
You care for my wellbeing and
Would hate and truly fear that
Something should happen to me.
I've been taught that I'm nothing
But a nuisance and a problem
To be handled or passed up the chain
That no one could fix my brain
Not that anyone would even try
And at the end of every calamity
I'd be left alone to finally cry.
So why do you maintain and why
Do I believe you when you tell me
That you care about what might
Happen after I am no longer your
Issue to deal with like you are concerned
Personally and not institutionally
Is that true? Do you as a person
Care for me as a person as well?
Am I more than a statistic at last?
More than a name atop some paperwork
To be completed and passed along?
Not a number, not a face in a crowd
Not a name or a diagnosis or a
Description from a list you've found.
Do you see me and my problems
And not immediately look away?
Can you meet my gaze when I am
Able to raise it towards yours and
Say: I care about you even when
You don't know why because caring
Is not conditional nor should be
A surprise but worthwhile for all.
Chapter 575: In Hate Lies Proof
Chapter Text
I'm starting to
Really earnestly
Hate myself for
Going along with
And agreeing
To what now
Seems like a big
Overreaction
But the fact that
I am feeling
This way tells
Of how maybe
It was the right
Decision after all.
Chapter 576: Forgive & Forget
Chapter Text
Do I need to forgive you?
By which I actually mean:
Is there anything you've done
For which you think you need
My forgiveness because
Either way you have it easily?
I grant it to you should you
Have need or use or desire of it.
What I am deliberating is if
Your actions are necessary
To be judged by me or if
You decided out of both our
Best interests and kindness?
Whether it was the right
Call or whether it was your
Call to even make it was
The one you made for us both
And I respect that you did
I won't go against it now
I suppose really it's too late
I'm here now and the decision
Is already made and settled
And put into affect so there's
No much either of us can
Do about it now except think
Contemplate as I do daily
As to whether I need to forgive
You or if you would accept
My forgiveness if offered.
Do I need to extend my apologies?
Even though I have so often
Before and you informed me
Every time how unnecessary
They were and I imagine you
Might say the same should
I voice my concerns over blame
And forgiveness owed because
Why should you need my
Forgiveness which would imply
You were in the wrong or
Should be apologising to me!
You were right but that doesn't
Mean I have to be happy
About the choices we made.
So I guess the real question
I am posing each day is not
Do I forgive you but can I forgive me?
Chapter 577: FOMO
Chapter Text
So many times
I have been
Deliberately
Hurtfully and
Purposefully
Excluded from
Things and
Opportunities
Throughout
My life so far
By others and
Unfortunately
By my own
Brain sometimes
That now when
I get even a toe
In the door
I fight so hard
Just to stay there
Listening through
A crack in the door
Peering through
The keyhole still
Feeling like I am
Intruding even
If I am invited in
So when others
Don't respond
To texts as fast
Or emails don't
Get answered
My brain starts
To imagine all
The ways I am
Being cut out
And everything
I fear I am missing
Chapter 578: Trouble Maker
Chapter Text
For so much of my life
I have been a 'trouble-maker'
And that label has
Been cheekily almost
Teasingly given to me
But I find it to be truthful
The more that I reflect
To most people I am
An inconvenience at best
To make accomodations
For my benefit and wellbeing
Is only occasionally worth
The added effort and time
If it can in some way
Prevent bigger problems
From cropping up later
I have worked hard
To become invisible
To fade into the background
Blend in with the wallpaper
Go ignored and unnoticed
To spare others the difficulty
And myself the anguish
But then I surprised and hurt
When no one seems to care
Chapter 579: Poetry Is My Therapy
Chapter Text
Poetry is my therapy
It’s how I process
All life’s events
Like dreaming but
For my conscious mind
It allows me to vent
To rage and scream
To cry and protest
At everything that
Happens and all I’ve felt
So part of my thinks
I cannot put into speech
To a friend or professional
All I write in these words
Chapter 580: Procrastination At Its Best
Chapter Text
I’ve been putting off
That task for literally
Months now and in
The end it has taken
Me basically a single
Afternoon of work...
I hate my brain.
Chapter 581: Sleepy Metaphoricals
Chapter Text
I am trying my best
To park this car in
Its garage meaning
Of course that
I am trying to sleep
Which makes the car
Me and the engine
Is my mind which
Despite the fact that
I am trying to put
The handbrake on
It has decided that it
Wants to go up a gear
And is currently racing
At breakneck speed
Through dark streets
And along winding
Country roads that
Only lead to dead ends
Before it somehow teleports
To an entirely different
Train of thought
And metaphor
Chapter 582: When Is The Time To Compromise?
Chapter Text
When I’m in that
Situation in that
Mindset then
It’s all emotional
Hormones flooding
My system while
Emotions rage like
A stormy sea but
Every time I’m there
At that crisis point
Something switches
The sea calms to glass
Everything goes cold
Like ice and clear calm
Logic is all that’s left
It becomes less of
A battleground like
Wrestling with the
Reins of a charging
Horse and instead
It is a negotiation
Like lawyers in court
Pros and cons are
Argued in my head
And I have to stand
My ground or
Stick to my guns
Keep my morals as
Straight as can be
Because I have to
Be unwilling to
Compromise
Even though it
Would be so easy
So much easier for
Me and everyone
Else - which is usually
When the guilt kicks in -
I am always aware
That I could be
Stabilised! Just give
Me five minutes
And I could be back
Under control, be
Calm and collected
As close to ‘alright’
As I can get but it
Requires sacrifice and
It has a cost. There
Are consequences
That I find myself
Fighting to avoid
Which I think anyone
Else might not understand
So much of the ‘advice’
Given for those kinds
Of tricky circumstances
Were put forth by people
Who in my opinion for
The most part don’t know
What they’re talking about
And all they suggest are
Compromises or
Degrees of acceptability
Tolerable risks to which
Extent certain actions
Can be permitted or
The adequate price paid
To improve a particular
Situation and if I say ‘no’
If I decide to stand firm
To reject compromise
Push away the easy out
Then all I’m left with
My only option is time
Is waiting and struggling
Treading water in that
Raging sea and hoping
That I won’t drown but
That I can stay afloat
Somehow against the odds.
But every time I manage
To fight on – though
I know that I never truly
Win the war - with every
Instance when peace
Is achieved, even briefly
A momentary truce
Gives me strength
For the next fight
Confidence in my
Decisions and choices
I am not so naïve
To believe there will
Not be another battle
Some other day or night
But if I can fan the flame
That is this tiny flickering
Spark of hope in my chest
Then maybe in time and
If I can hold fast against
Compromise that maybe
Everything will be okay?
Chapter 583: Scratch That
Chapter Text
I just don’t understand it.
They were only scratches.
Only intended to be quick
And temporary marks providing
Quick and temporary relief.
I used a piece of slate for heaven’s sake!
A little fragment of freshly
Snapped rock to tear the flesh.
It shouldn’t have gone that deep.
It didn’t go very deep at all!
So why haven’t they healed yet?
It’s been weeks, although
Admittedly only just the plural.
They should be faded and gone
By now but they aren’t.
For ages they had healed but
Stayed in that weird yellowed
Brown no longer scabbed phase
Before finally dimming into
Darkened lines in my skin.
They are so uneven it is
Unsatisfactory to my brain
How scattered and dishevelled
They seem as the marks
Only remain where the slate
Caught an underlayer in
My frustration and lack of care.
They catch the light in
Unpredictable ways and
I can never be sure if other
People ever notice them
Because the angle has to be
Just so or they’re never seen.
I must admit they are fading
Now at last slowly disappearing
And I feel that same old regret
I never thought I would be
Reliving with these hasty
Attempts at temporary pain.
The desire to bring them back
To try again to make them
Bright and stark in contrast
To the paleness of my wrist.
But I won’t even if I dream of it.
All the same, it cannot hurt
Too much to just imagine it.
Chapter 584: Sisters Forever
Chapter Text
I want to shout
I want to scream
I have cried and cried
There are no tears
Left in me
Because it might only
Be a week
But to me it is eternity
Eternity I wanted
To have spent
Loving and being loved
By you
Because there may be
Others I can turn to
Friends and family
I should lean on
But there is only
One of you
My sister who
Unfortunately
For both of us
I depend on
To feel safe and secure
To vent at
And voice my thoughts
To comfort me
When my walls
Are crumbling
To hold me up
When everything
Is breaking
I love you and
I know in my mind
That you love me
But my heart doubts
How anyone could
Ever love me as much
As I love you
My sibling
There will never
Be another
Me or you
We will never
Get this time again
It will pass us by
In the blink of an eye
And you will have gone
Moved on to live
Your own life
And I’ll be left here
Standing watching
Your shadow leaving
We have grown up
I understand this
And things cannot
Nor should they
Stay the same
But could we
Alter the world
Slowly so that
My heart can
Learn to live with
The empty space
Chapter 585: Unreasonable
Chapter Text
Am I unreasonable
For wishing the world
Was better built
For a neurodivergent mind?
Am I unreasonable
For being angry that
My sibling changes
Plans last minute on me
And leaves me lonely?
Am I unreasonable
For hoping my problems
Will magically cease
Without therapy or
Serious deliberate effort?
Am I unreasonable
For pretending that
Everything is okay
Even just for five minutes
To myself and everyone else?
Am I unreasonable
For dreaming of a future
Where I will be happy
Feel secure and confident
Maybe even love myself?
Am I unreasonable
For reaching out a hand
When I fall down and
For wondering why
No one tries to catch me?
Am I unreasonable
For looking at the news
And wanting to give
Up on this species
Which hates and hates
So so much?
Am I unreasonable
For screaming and crying
When I feel trapped
Inside my thoughts
Which never ever
Pause or seem to end?
Am I unreasonable
For having no control
Over when my body
Decides it cannot
Take anymore and
Gives out on me suddenly?
Am I unreasonable
For putting all other’s
Needs and wants before
My own because that
Is how I have been
Trained to act since birth?
Am I unreasonable
For hating that small
Quiet corner of me
That longs to be loved
And accepted even if
That means being
Like everyone else?
Am I unreasonable
For using my words
To express emotions
Instead of complex
Actions or facial expressions
I am yet to master fully?
Am I unreasonable
For asking you to decide?
To judge if I am even being
Unreasonable at all?
Chapter 586: The Straw
Chapter Text
The camel's back is broken
Congratulations you found
The limit of what I could take
And remain standing upright
Now I've fallen down again
This time I swear I vividly felt
Something inside me snap
Twanging like a rubber band
Stretching beyond breaking
It's severed ends hanging
Limp as my limbs do now
I am so weary and stressed out
But don't you worry I will get
To me feet and carry on
Somehow
Chapter 587: I'm 20 And Don't Love Myself
Chapter Text
I've had something of a realisation
That's lead me to review past decisions
I cannot single out anything I like
About myself I cannot name one thing
I used to at least be able to do that
For all my teenage years I could
At least say that I appreciated my brain
For its speed and photographic memory
Or the colour of my eyes or my hair
But those aspects of myself have lost
Their wonder and value for me and
I'm not exactly sure when that happened
I don't believe people when they tell me
They like me or that they care or
When they give compliments so casually
As statements like I cannot disagree
They ascribe worth to me that I don't
Understand or can qualify suitably
Say I am fun to spend time around
That they enjoy my company and
I don't believe them because how can they
I am me and who would want to be
Around me for more than ten minutes
Who could possibly like me enough
To think my wellbeing a worthwhile effort
To ensure or to protect my happiness
And it's too late for them to reassure me
For I have already withdrawn so convinced
I am worth nothing more than a token
Friend at best to them all even though
I play theirs words of encouragement
In my head over and over again I listen
To their expressions of friendship and
Wish I could believe their kind heartfelt words
But I cannot name anything I like about
Myself not even my brain which had
So steadfastly been an asset in previous
Years gone by it has now turned against
Me and is an enemy instead of an ally
My essays are never good enough and
My work effort is selfish lazy and bleak
My eyes have changed their colour to
A much more boring green grey than blue
My hair irritates me as much as it may soothe
My face is ugly and my body too I hate it
So but I haven't the strength to choose
To change it for the better or worse
Not enough energy and motivation to spare
On feeling comfortable in my skin and shoes
I wish I could ask them even just over text
Beg for reassurances of friendship or
Just of a lack of hatred on their part
But how can I even pen that message let
Alone send it through the air without
Coming across as a needy weak self-centred
Pitiful plaintive whiny self-conscious teenage girl
Because even though I'm nearly twenty one
Loving myself is still a mystery I'm yet to master
Chapter 588: Lists About Me
Chapter Text
Could you name one thing you like about me?
If I were to even be brave enough to ask.
Would you list something empty and hollow
Like my laugh or smile or personality?
Don't bother using worthless words either
Thinking you can compliment me because
Unless you mention at least a dozen bad traits
I will be convinced that you are lying to me.
What adjectives would you use to describe me
And would they be the same ones if I asked
To those you use among yourselves behind my back
Could you at least just tell me that one fact?
Can you write a list of reasons to be around me
Spend time in my company and enjoy it?
Even if you could only name one thing then
You would have the advantage over my own list.
I asked them
I actually worked
Up the nerve
And pressed send
Four people
Who I trusted
Enough to not
Take the question
The wrong way
Between them
They have told
Me enough to
Keep my mind
Mulling for ages
They've informed
Me that they like
My willingness
To 'have a laugh'
And have random
Conversations
At any time and
That I'm 'bubbly'
(Which I doubt)
And that the energy
I put into what
I create is inspiring
(I am inspiring?)
That I care for
Animals - citing
One occasion when
I tried and failed
To save a pigeon
And that they
'like many things'
About me but
They do not state
Any more than that
One insisted they
Were giving an
'Honest answer'
And bluntly told
Me they like my
Honest personality
The way I don't
'bother to put up
A front' (nonsense
Of course but still)
How earnest I am
Which to me doesn't
Seem like a good
Trait in reality and
How I persevere
'Despite clearly
Having difficulties'
Which feels like
A bit of a back
Handed compliment
But I'll take it
All the same and
How I try my best
To live my best life
And be happy
(Which just sounds
Like selfishness
To my ears) is
Apparently worthy
Of admiration
(I think they're mad)
Another enthusiastically
Endeavoured to
Provide an entire
List all by themselves
Stating they love
My creativity and
Unique ideas
My willingness to
Answer any questions
Asked of me however
Crazy them may seem
(They also list my
Cute rabbits as if
They were an identifiable
Personality trait
Which I disagree with)
And finally argues
My bold steadfast
Encouragement of
Others is a great reason
To like me even a little
The last decided
To list five things
That I am one
'Fun to be around'
Two 'shares their
Interests' and three
That I am 'intelligent'
And four I am 'kind'
(Whatever that
Means) and five
I 'can put up with
Them' and then
Following up with
And offer to list more
As others did too
Somehow surprising
My proffered low bar
They blew me away
With their generous
Compliments of
Dubious honesty
But I guess I must
Concede all the same
To be well-intentioned
Chapter 589: I Hate Unanswered Emails
Chapter Text
I am trying to decide
Whether unanswered
Emails is a pet peeve
Or genuine fear of mine
See an unanswered
Email gives me such
Huge amounts of anxiety
It's difficult to explain
I worry if it's even sent
If I clean forgot to press
The send button or that
Something didn't work
So at least a standard
Reply stating 'message
Received' would be very
Much welcome in my life
Besides that I fret over
If I've said something
Wrong or too bluntly
So not subtly enough
Maybe I didn't make
Myself clear with any
Answers I gave and
Misinterpreted questions
Or perhaps my tone
Came across incorrectly
And my scattered use
Of emojis didn't clarify
Or even that very use
Of pictures to try to
Make clear my attitude
Was inappropriate somehow
I sit there and stare at the
Blank unchanging laptop
Screen and clicking refresh
My inbox on endless repeat
My anxiety rises and swells
As I ponder each reality
Considering which I'd rather
Be the actual events unfolding
It is my practice to always
Second guess my every
Word even before I hit send
Seeking to answer swiftly
Yet I always assume I have
Offended some way somehow
And nothing besides deliberate
Distraction will help me
So I sit and I wonder and worry
Stress over every comma and
Question mark or hyphen
Waiting and waiting and waiting
Save me from the tepid trauma
That is unanswered emails
For even if it is only a petty
Grievance please try to
Grant me some sweet gaiety
Chapter 590: Phantoms
Chapter Text
The phantoms
Are back
I itch and
Scratch idly
Away at them
But I can
Never win
Because
They are
Not real
Not anymore
Once they
Were there
For all to
See if they
Cared to
But now
My phantoms
Only exist
In the wreckage
Of twisted
Skin cells
And nerve
Endings
Which tell
My fingers
To stroke
And scratch
At what isn't
There now
But was
Long ago
And still
Is in my
Weary mind
Chapter 591: Ate By Hate
Chapter Text
The hatred creeps up on me
Stalking me like I'm its prey
A cornered animal I cower
Hiss and scratch while seeking
Any way out of this mess
Slowly I am consumed before
I even realise it this hate has
My heart between its jaws
Blood and saliva dripping down
I am helpless and torn open
Bared to the cold sky and
Witness only to the death
Of who I might have been
Before self-hatred got those
Fiercesome merciless teeth in me
Chapter 592: I am (not) beautiful
Chapter Text
Nobody looking at me
Could with a straight face
Say I am beautiful
And I am not vain
Enough to ask that
I am so ugly both
Inside and out
Because of what
Spews out my mouth
And what churns
Inside my brain
Might as well be
Toxic chemicals
Waiting to spill
And burn away
Any false beliefs
Others may hold
Nobody would tell
Me I am beautiful
Least of all myself
Because I will not
Ever accept such
A lie from anyone
So they may spout
F
Their fictions about
Beauty within
Or a mythic sense of
Humour overpowering
Enough to drown
Out my many flaws
But they cannot
Look me in the eye
And say I am beautiful
If they did I would
Think they were
Delusional though I never
Thought I ever wanted
To be beautiful before
Since I was very young
It was clear that the
Price for beauty was
One that I would or
Could not ever pay
I made my choice
In my own weird way
So I don't have the
Right to complain now
For surviving how I did
Actions have consequences
And I know that so
Why do I mope and
Hope that small dim
Selfish foolish hope
That someone might
Be crazy enough to
Try to persuade me
That I am beautiful
Chapter 593: Sleep Has Failed
Chapter Text
The thoughts have followed me
They are still here when I awake
That is not supposed to happen
When the morning dawns I am
Supposed to be temporarily fixed
Sleep is meant to be a break
A respite but no they persist
The chorus hasn't diminished
Not one note quieter at all
My dreams haunt me with
Tangled mismatched images
All hinting at the same theme
That my rest was not restful
And that my bed is no refuge
From these thoughts that are
Worsening by the minute
I am out of my depth here
Not used to the unendingness
Of this latest attack on me
I can survive with the brief
Snatched moments of peace
But without true escape
This will not last long at least
Chapter 594: I Found The Self-Destruct Button!
Chapter Text
Do you know
The quickest
Most efficient
Way to cause
Damage to
Your mental
State, any clues?
Try going without
Sleep. I'm
Serious just
Set some
Alarms like
A couple
Spread all
Throughout
The night
Or one every
Hour if you're
That determined
Or every half
Hour or ten
Minutes if
You're feeling
Truly sadistic.
I promise you
Things will
Go downhill
Fast! But be
Warned that
You will eventually
Crash as your
Body will pull
Rank and decide
It can take no
More of this
And just sleep
When you least
Want or expect.
I tell you from
Experience that
This route has
Some seriously
Detrimental
Side effects but
Then we both
Know that's
What your aim
Was all along...
Chapter 595: Essay Writing Mode
Chapter Text
I always forget how much I enjoy this
The memories too drowned out by
Stress over what going to I'm doing next
To recall the joy I feel in these moments
The way as I lay my head down to rest
My mind is fizzing with energy in a good way
My thoughts prance but do not dance
I always know where they are headed
The topic consumes my mental space
Makes every conversation a sharing place
I close my eyes and see words on a page
Words I have recently read or not written yet
The motivation and the drive are addictive
To me like a rollercoaster gives a high
Adrenaline fuels me as hyper-focus grips
So hard I forget to eat or pee or move
My shoulders and neck are so stiff
From staring rigidly as a screen all day
My hands ache from typing away and
My eyes are dry and sore into the bargain
But I wouldn't miss this for the world
The excitement and sheer pleasure it yields
Like solving a puzzle and placing that
Satisfying final piece into it's position
That is how I assemble my arguments
Always chaotic as a heap of spaghetti
At first then slowly untangled and teased
Out into confident cohesive threads
Weaved into a tapestry in my head
I commit them to the page or rather the screen
And feel pride at its completion no matter
What mark or grade or spelling error I push aside
I love to write essays and do it in my dreams
Would I want to live like this forever?
Definitely not! But a short vacation into
This world for a time is fruitful and rewarding
So I dawdle here too long on occasion
Lingering on chapters irrelevant but
No less interesting or getting lost in
Descriptions painting their pictures in my mind
Eventually it will be over and done
This time the last for a good long while
But I will cherish it until that time comes
Both longing for a swift conclusion
And wishing this task shall never end
My shoulders will be glad and my
Critically endangered social life too
But I will miss this energy and enthusiasm
And always find something new to
Direct it at until that too is through
Chapter 596: SLENDER?
Chapter Text
There was a girl who lived on my street
A little bit younger than me but with
Personality enough to more than compensate
She wasn’t very nice, in fact from
My perspective she was rather mean
I avoided her as best I could but
Some days nothing I did was enough
To get me out from under her baleful gaze
She’d criticise whatever game I played
She used to chase me, calling out
Nicknames and I’d run away scared
But not quite understanding what
I was afraid of, why I was ashamed
The favourite malicious taunt was
‘Slender’ she’d scream it at my heels
With a sing-song lilt that hid
The cruel meaning behind its use
And made a simple word so menacing
Like a gun pointed at your head
In the moment I would never
Stop and think about it because
The priority was escape, of course
In the months that went by
While I hid out in my room or
Stayed safe within the garden fence
Biding my time until the summer’s end
I pondered upon that name
Initially I presumed it to be
A nasty comment on my weight
As I had no knowledge of the
Horror video game with which
I would later acquaint this name
And to this day I can’t decide
The answer to either question
Under which meaning did she
Haunt my nightmares for weeks
And which hurts me more now?
Chapter 597: All I Am Is What I Read
Chapter Text
I don’t just write an essay on a topic
I crack open my chest and let
The knowledge pour into my soul
I keep it warm there for a while
Let it swirl around inside my heart
Mixing with my identity and
Bonding with segments of who I am
So that even when I release it
From this weary cage of ribs
Some part of it always stays here
Embedded in my blood and bones
Like a vault of information
Forgotten and covered in dust
So quickly but always ready
To be opened and wielded
At my slightest whim or need
And yet a part of me goes with it
A part sometimes I don’t notice
Enough to properly miss but
If I pause long enough and ponder it
I know some part of me will always
Belong – heart, body and soul –
To that subject that I became
One with for those few days
Or week or more or less time
No matter how long ago it was
I remember every one of them
I remember when and where I was
Though it’s harder to distinguish who
I was before them and after them
So easily do they merge with my self
I do not write an essay on a topic
I knit it into my very bones and blood
Breathe with it and let it inhabit me
Take over my mind and control
My limbs like I am nothing but
A puppet as it speaks through me
As if by ventriloquy and I let it
Unreservedly I welcome it in every time
And I shall never ever regret it.
Chapter 598: A Good Thing
Chapter Text
I remember a good thing
Though it's difficult to
Picture it right now
I remember a good thing
I see it in my mind
Visualise holding it close
Gripping it tight so
I can never let it go
I remember a good thing
But right now there's
No good left in the dark
Chapter 599: Here Again
Chapter Text
So I'm back
To being suicidal
After several months
Not in such a dark place
But it's fine, I mean
It is what it is
I'll deal with it
Maybe eventually
Get better for a time
Before inevitably
Ending up back
At square one
So I'd quite like to die
So what? Who doesn't?
Maybe that's not
Really a good response
But I don't have
Good enough reasons
To not sound like
Excuses for going
Through with it
I don't have any plans
But I have previously
So I'm not going to kill myself
That just leaves me in
Second place as ever
Left dealing with the pain
The thoughts that will
Not go away right now
I'll get through it
On my own I'll make it
I'm stronger than I was
But more exhausted I think
More willing to just roll over
And let the cards fall down
More open to speaking out
Risking the consequences
Just to erase one speck of doubt
So I'm suicidal again
No clue as to why
All of a sudden
I've taken five hundred
Stumbling steps backward
So that I'm just so
Ambivalent to my own demise
Would I do anything
To prompt it's happening?
Probably not but would
I be bothered or care at all
If someone else would
Help me out and do
What I won't out of fear
Or tiredness or hate...
Maybe brief windows
Of happiness are all
I am due in this life
Gotta savour them
While they last because
I have no idea when
The shadows will return
And the shutters fall
To shut out the light
That I desperately want
But feel I don't deserve
Chapter 600: What is it?
Chapter Text
Oh God, I hope it's hormones
Making my life such a living hell
Though my cycle has been
Such a mess lately it's hard to tell
Maybe it's because of stress
I've been under a lot of pressure
Recently or always, I'm never sure
What drives these thoughts of despair
I could just be exhausted
I really have been feeling tired
But is that enough to justify
All the emotions roiling inside
The root cause in some ways
Doesn't really matter since
The reality is what is happening
I cannot control or pause or stop
Just deal with it all as best I can
As hormonal, stressed and tired as I am
Chapter 601: Speak Silently
Chapter Text
I wanted so much
For someone to ask me
To notice somehow
Something wasn't right
And look me in the eye
Make me let them see me
And just say those words
I'm really struggling
At the moment
But no one ever sees
Blinded by my smile
Which covers over
Every crack and flaw
My eyes might be tearful
Red raw and tired
But no one noticed
And I cannot speak
To tell them I'm hurting
I don't want to ruin
Their day, their joy
So I stay silent and
Waiting as I drown
Inside my brain
Chapter 602: Waiting Lifetimes
Chapter Text
I spend so much of my life waiting
Waiting in line behind everyone else's priorities
Wishing I was nearer to the front of the queue
But always near the end where no one cares
I spend so much of my life waiting
Waiting for the pain to end or pause
For the factors giving me heartache
To fade and my life to continue on for a bit
I spend so much of my life waiting
Waiting to be noticed and seen as I am
To be someone instead of no one
Never anything more than a face in a crowd
I spend so much of my life waiting
Waiting to fall back down to earth
To get a grip and let my dreams go
Find a job and make a home in good enough
I spend so much time just waiting
And I wish I would stop tolerating
Get up and do something, say something!
Scream, shout, let my voice be heard!
Step up, stand out, and be more than I am!
But I just stay here, waiting...
Wasting my life wanting it to be better
Chapter 603: Graphic Pain
Chapter Text
I want to hurt myself
So badly I might burst
I want to beat myself
Black and blue or
Punch walls so hard
My knuckles split
And groan when
My fingers flex
I want to burn my skin
So that it can never
Heal and erase
The damage dealt
I want to cut so deep
The blood will
Not stop flowing
I want to feel all this
Experience what
I deserve to endure
And not weep alone
When the wounds
Are all I am anymore
Chapter 604: Demons On The Shoreline
Chapter Text
I am drowning in my thoughts again
Demons I thought long since slain
Have returned to haunt my every step
Waiting for the moment when I stumble
They nip at my heels like baying hounds
Competing with each other to see
Which brutal realisation can make me trip
I run away and build up strong walls
That turn to useless paper under their gaze
Sometimes I am helpless to their whims
They control my limbs as if by puppet strings
My every breath dictated and commanded
My words and thoughts and feelings
No longer my own because someone else
Is living inside my head and between my ribs
Some manifestation of fear, pain and sorrow
Walking in my shoes and living my life
That I do honestly treasure so much it burns
To see this hollow shell stroll through its days
Without a care in the world or a tear to spare
They operate my functions by sheer panic
Or worse force my actions through despair
I collapse under the onslaught of the accusations
Hatred blossoms under their dutiful workings
They plot my death and doom those I love
Tricking my desperate weakened heart
Into believing none could love me as such
Some days I let them run rampant through my soul
Wreaking havoc on the already damaged
Parts and pieces of my being as they go
Other moments I try to fight back again
As once I managed to for so very long
Stand firm against the raging tides that swamp
My defenses and quench any hope of light
Like a battered and tired sea wall I shudder
The cracks showing clearly in moonlight
The pain and fear and heartbreak floods
My weary fractured mind as the lighthouse
Crumbles into dust carried away on the breeze
All alone in the middle of the stormy ocean
Curled into a ball and buffeted by currents
Floating without complaint because what
Can possibly be worse than drowning
And wishing I did not mind what direction
The demons are determinedly paddling
Chapter 605: Stare At Glass
Chapter Text
Can you meet your own eyes in the mirror?
Would that be too much to ask or not a thing?
Do you see a person if your gazes ever touch?
Or is it just an image of another's face you see?
Can you look at yourself naked in the mirror?
Not necessarily without clothes but without hiding?
Without adjusting of your stance or breathing?
To just stand there and stare without blinking?
Can you stay too long in front of a mirror?
Contemplating who or what you truly are?
If you watch for too long might you notice that
All along you've been someone worth the focus?
Chapter 606: Dazed Days
Chapter Text
I am just existing in a daze
Each minute drifting past
Every second experienced
Numbly through a haze
I cannot seem to shake
Not with sleep or no
Matter what I ever eat
I move as if I sleepwalk
In every waking hour
Of every day spent alive
A fog surround me
And I am lost at sea
But no one realises
Or is even looking for me
The clouds that darken
My days and drain
The joy from each breath
They are invisible
To all except me who
Cannot see beyond
Their shadowed edge
The ghosts I fight
Are only seen by me
When I close my eyes
And no matter how
I elucidate my strife
No one seems to understand
The way I perceive this
World and must live my life
Chapter 607: Control The Pain, Or Run Away
Chapter Text
Sometimes I'm so scared to feel
To open my heart and experience
The courage it takes to step forward
With only faith to guide my way
I get so nervous when people try
To bring up their struggles and
Discuss what they hide on the inside
Because no matter how dearly
I should like to share such thoughts
I am too afraid to open my mouth
For if one revelation passes my lips
All the rest might come flooding
Out and mix with my tears on my face
And I would lose this tenuous control
To yield that loose grip on myself
Is terrifying and I flee the opportunity
When it is presented to me since
I'd always rather distract my brain
Make others smile and be happy
Than dwell on my own pain because
I don't believe talking about it
Could possibly make it any better
Sharing the sorrow and grief
Could not make it easier to bear
And I cannot bring myself to burden
Those I care for and dare to hope
Might care about me with such
Tortured thoughts from inside of me
So I don't know what might be worse
To hope I can stay strong enough
Not to weaken and need to be caught
Or the real gut-clenching fear
That traps me when I consider
Actually examining my lived life
Past and present and future alike
Inspect and interrogate every moment
For guilt over my current state
And imagine who I'd be without
The heartbreak and suffering but
Never want to change any of it
All the same I'll never be anyone
Other than me and some days
That fact hits a little to close for
Comfort for terrified little old me
Chapter 608: To The One I've Never Met/Or The One I'll Never Know
Chapter Text
Would I go to hell and back for you
Fight every demon on this earth
Would I go to therapy for your sake
Fix my shit and learn my worth
Would I go anywhere to find you
Travel any distance to hold you close
Would I say anything you needed to hear
Just to feel my name on your breath
Would I run in the rain to meet you
Sing on a table top or play music loud
Would I bake you chocolate cookies
Or anything sweet that you desire
Would I write you small cute notes
Leave them where I know you'll see
Would I try to make you happy
Happier than you might make me
Would I rearrange the stars at night
Make the moon shine all the time
Would I move heaven and earth
To have your hand to hold in mine
Would I be perfect - not at all but
I promise I would be imperfectly me
Would I do anything to please you
If I could only ever know your name
Could I say goodbye and let you go
Watch you leave and close the door
Or would I be better off having never
Met you or lost you or loved you at all
Chapter 609: Fear Of My Bravery
Chapter Text
I remember the time
When all I could do
With a compass'
Sharp pointed end
Was trace swirling
Patterns or harsh
Symbols and letters
Into the skin of my arm.
I remember sitting
There for whole minutes
Trying to bully myself
Into taking the plunge
Stabbing it downwards
Then halting just
Before the metal hit.
I was too scared then.
I remember the day
When I just did it
Out of frustration
Because I wasn't
Allowing myself to
Do anything more
Exciting or fulfilling
You know what I mean
Pretty soon my
Otherwise bare and
Pale arm was broadly
Covered in a small
Array of pleasing
Little red dots each
Representing one
Moment where I was
Braver than I had been.
I remember when
I picked up an
Elastic band instead
Of a shining blade
For the first time
And sat there poised
With the trigger cocked
Ready and waiting
For my courage to
Catch up with the new
Agenda I was attempting
Eventually my sweaty
Fingers did the hard
Work for me and the
Rubber slid from my grip
To ping so satisfyingly
Against my bared wrist
The sting of it was exquisite
And matched as closely
As I had hoped to the
Sting of a sharp blade
When it cut the same route.
I remember years later
When one slapped band
Was not close to enough
The hesitation over the
First release ever present
But quicker and bolder
I proceeded to the next
Until marching rows neatly
Traversed my whole arm
A set of ten always as
Habit dictated strongly
Ten lines all hit with the
Elastic's flick ten times
Sequentially to really
Build up the gentle swell
Of my reddened skin
And make the bruises
Deepen just a little
So that the marks last
Longer than days
And more like weeks.
I remember the time
When I first tried to
Punch a wall with
My weak little fist
Barely making contact
With the surface at all
It scraped along
And hurt enough
To make me think
This was a valid thing
I could try again sometime
And when I was so
Frustrated by the many
Restrictions placed
Upon me by myself
And so many others too
No other weapon
Available I would choose
The roughest bricks
And begin the assault
Trying more to tear
Up my knuckles and
Let fresh red blood bloom
Than bruises or get
Any satisfaction from
The impact of my swing.
Too weak and scared
Of the consequences
Not willing to break anything.
I remember the moment
I realised I'd just punched
A wall at full strength with
Full anger surging and
Frustration bubbling up
So much I could scream
The wall in question was
So smooth and plastered
I knew it would do nothing
Visible to my knuckles so
I carried on pounding on
It's white surface until
The rage and urge subsided
Into exhaustion and pain
And fear for what I just
Accomplished - this new
Ability I'd unlocked somehow
What did it say that I wasn't
Scared anymore and that
I could do what I was
So afraid of before...
Chapter 610: Step Of Faith
Chapter Text
As I take one step closer to the edge
Feeling time drag me inexorably nearer
I stand paralyzed looking down there
Into the darkest void I've ever imagined
Wishing I could lift my eyes to the horizon
And then begin to walk out across to it
Knowing I would float if I can just start
I would fly if I tried so why does my heart
Beat so wildly in my chest at the thought
And my lungs struggle to get air at all
I believe I can do it but I lack the courage
To test my theory and my strength
Too busy focusing on all that could go wrong
Staring down at the abyss beyond my feet
Fighting with my brain to let me step
Chapter 611: Which is the joke?
Chapter Text
Where is the line between
A joke and an insult
Please could you maybe
Point it out for me?
Why do people like to
Overcomplicate things
And say 'I love you' without
Using those three words?
When did laughter become
A cruel and mocking thing
Instead of joyful and elated
Because sometimes I can't tell?
What dictates that a phrase
Is appropriate to one situation
And shockingly wrong in
Another which seems so similar?
Who decided that if I say
The wrong thing or do things
Differently then I get to be
Punished for my confusion?
How do I learn what words to use
To comfort or to hurt or to enthuse?
Which ones are humourous and
Which ones make them cry?
Because so far I've just been
Learning through trial by fire.
Chapter 613: Always Prepared
Chapter Text
Somewhere towards the back of my mind
I’ve always had some kind of plan there
Ready and waiting, since I was about sixteen.
I’ve not always been actively considering it
Or really wanting to go through with it either,
It’s more just that I’ve always been aware
Of the option, accounted for it, included it in
My decision-making whenever I stop to think.
You see, every season brings new opportunities,
Each environment requires different approaches,
Dictates certain variables that I need to be aware of
And I know them all, I’ve mapped them all in my head
Idly one lazy afternoon or other while lying on my bed
Staring at the ceiling without ever actually seeing it.
But I don’t mean it, or if I do it’s not for very long
I’m practiced enough now not to get bogged down.
So the thought arrives and I must acknowledge it
Then it flies on its way, but never quite out of my sight.
Those thoughts circle me like vultures, waiting for when
I am at my most frail and weakest and already close
Enough to dying to just accept being gently tipped
Over the edge into the bottomless abyss.
Chapter 614: Dead Daisies
Chapter Text
I mourn for every daisy
When the grass gets cut
I weep for the old oak
Felled by the chainsaw's edge
I gather into my arms and
Hold close all the severed
Branches of a neatly trimmed
Hedge because it hurts
I cry for the lopped off
Boughs of leaning trees
Even for the fields of
Sickly crops when they burn
I witness the quiet deaths
Never worthy of attention
Not mentioned in any paper
And savour a deep breath
To thank them for the air
I breathe and apologise
That I couldn't save them
Chapter 615: To Be Known
Chapter Text
I haven't seen him in ages
Several months at least
He's an old family friend
Our mothers have known
Each other since we were
Born as they both joined
A first time mother group
So he is my oldest friend
Though we only know
Each other on the surface
I could never determine
If he was like a cousin
Or a brother to me as
We are both the same age
Literally only days apart
I've always liked him
Been nervous around him
Always wanting to make
A good impression on him
I value his opinion even
Though I never ask for it
Nor really think he minds
Much about my own
I'd like for us to be closer
I know that much certainly
Somehow to get to know
One another properly
I'd give him my number
In the hopes that we'd
Text regularly and build
Up a rapport more than
What we currently share
As vaguely distant old
Friends you occasionally see
If I didn't know better
And I'm not sure I do
I'd say I had a crush on him
He has long been my
Excuse for any attraction
The name I dropped
In order to fit in and
Seem normal like the
Other girls I talked with
Yes I like boys because
I like him but you don't
Know him only I do so
You can't confirm or
Disprove what I'm saying
He was my fantasy guy
But not in the normal way
He was the guy I'd imagined
Settling down with and
Getting a cat to share
So that I'd be normal too
I hadn't seen him in months
I was nervous to again
My mind distracted with
Other things I half didn't
Realise what I'd agree to
When I said I'd meet him
Our mothers both there
To chat and gossip away
My sister too and his
Brother's girlfriend who
We've never met before
The five of us sat around
The table drinking coffee
And making friendly but
Fairly polite conversation
Familiar like families are
But restrained like with
Those relative you have
To see every so often
To keep up the pretence
Of being cordial company
I hope he doesn't feel
That way and honestly
Neither do I because
I like them all, his family
And I think that he likes mine
But earlier today when
I saw him for the first time
My brain immediately started
To categorise the ways
In which he'd changed
In the intervening time
Since I'd last laid eyes on him
He's bulked up a bit but
Not in the bad way he
Joked about being due
To lockdown and lack
Of motivation for exercise
Which I awkwardly and
Quietly agreed I shared
And I would swear he is
Taller again even though
We're both supposedly
At an age where we
Shouldn't grow anymore
His hair is longer and
Flops across his brow
In a way that makes me
What to brush it aside
And up out of his eyes
His sense of humour is
Sharper and more wittier
Than I remembered and
His sarcasm could rival my own
Though I don't reveal it in
That hyper-polite environment
I idly watched though almost
Feeling ashamed for doing so
While his quick clever fingers
Manipulated the mugs full
Of perfectly made coffee
Distracted by the attention
He gave to them while
Keeping up the conversation
All smiles and snarky comments
He made me laugh until
I cried but I doubt he meant to
He was just being a good host
Entertaining us with humorous
Stories while he poured milk
When he sat down across
Right across from me
I had to keep my focus
From drifting to his wide lips
Which I had a sudden urge
To kiss like I have never ever
Experienced before even
Around him who I have
Imagined in that way before
It shocked me and I was
Extremely distracted and
Now I'm home I wonder
If anyone actually noticed
I hope they didn't least
Of all his mother or mine
They would make a thing of it
I'm sure they'd support what
I half view as the easy route
Still rather than the difficulty
Society creates when trying
To find company in someone
Of the opposite or no sex
Or just no company at all
What a weird world we live in
That I cannot decide if I like him
I refuse to say love because
That really would just be silly
And even if I do would I even
Try to do anything about it
Too content with how full
My life is already maybe
I'll wait for some unknown
Date to reach out and if
Fingers crossed reconnect
Personally just us two
Then maybe something can
Come of these feelings
I think that maybe I feel
It scares me I think
How he makes me vulnerable
Weak inside perhaps if
I'd ever dwell on it too much
I wonder when I'll see him
Again maybe Christmas time
Or even later again sometime
If then I'll still get these
Flutterings inside and
Contemplate his hands or
His eyes behind those glasses
I can only ever remember him
Wearing since we were kids
If so then I'll revisit my
Decision and probably reread
This poem and debate inside
All over again if I want him
To know me and I to know him
Chapter 616: Pretty Perfect
Chapter Text
I never understood
How someone could
Be criticised for
Something they
Cannot change about
Themselves like how
Their laugh sounds or
If they wear glasses
Or if they are tall or
Worse if they're short
For their big eyebrows
Or acne-covered skin
For allergies or illness
Things we never asked
For or maybe don't
Even notice before they
Are picked out and
Told are faulty or wrong
Laughed at for our laugh
Isn't there a sign something's
Wrong with society in that?
I never understood
How someone could
Be criticised for
Something they
Cannot change because
I misunderstood the
Purpose of the mean
Teasing or cruel comments
It was constructive
Criticism or intended as
Motivation to change
To 'fix' these perceived
Errors in our personality
In our body and humanity
Laugh fakely or not at all
Wear contacts or pretend
Your vision is just fine
Just don't trip over anything
Who needs to read to live
Always sit or stay stooped
Wear heels or big boots
Pluck your eyebrows and
Sort that mess out by
Wearing makeup to fit in
With the faceless crowd
Take medication but never
Ever let on you are doing so
To reveal you are less than
Perfect would cost you dearly
Be air-brushed and well-lit
Be empty-headed and
Thoughtless and always
Say yes to the things
That will make you pretty
But not prettier than the rest
Chapter 617: Brave or Stupid?
Notes:
First of many poems from my Greece trip, 2022.
Chapter Text
There is a fine line between
Courage and stupidity
It is a line I walk everyday
There is another line yet
Fainter still, between curiosity
And bravery which I daily trace
Chapter 618: Nonetheless
Chapter Text
Just because I didn't leave my room yesterday
Does not mean the outside world has suddenly
Transformed into a more dangerous place
Than it was two days ago when I last ventured out
So why is this anxiety rising up inside my chest
It has no rhyme or reason to it but I am afraid
Nonetheless
Chapter 619: Our Pact
Chapter Text
I had a suicide pact with someone once
The good kind not the bad - the type
Where you both threaten to go through
With it if the other person does and so
Because you both believe the other
Should keep on living, you stay alive too
It's like a cruel guilt trip but effective
Because I am still here and they are too
Chapter 620: Eyes Closed Yet Wide Open
Chapter Text
When I close
My tired eyes
I see blood
Splattered
Across white
Crumpled
Tissues like
A horrifying
Tie-dye of
Pain and fear
So I open
Them again
But the image
Remains
Seared into
My brain until
I cannot
Escape it
Chapter 621: I Have Something To Prove
Chapter Text
I have something to prove.
Have I got nothing to lose?
Only to myself and
Only my own health...
Chapter 622: Notice Me?!
Chapter Text
Did you get my message
Or even notice I was gone
Not that I want you to be
Constantly watching me
But it would be nice to know
Maybe if you even realised
I wasn't there with the rest
Chapter 623: Pro-Choice (In All Things)
Chapter Text
I do not need
To justify to you
My own decision
Because it was
Mine to make
Why don't you demand answers
Or voice questions about my actions
Like so many have before you
Chapter 624: Nada
Chapter Text
I did fuck all
All day today
And it may
Be ten o'clock
But why am
I so so tired!
Chapter 625: Ruined
Chapter Text
I've had such a lovely day
Felt confident enough
To wear shorts and go
Swimming in the sea
With people around me
But now as the sunburn
Sets in, the old fears and
Self-hatred are rising up
I loathe my face and
Legs and skin and hair
I want to carve it up
Make something pretty
Out of it through hunger
Blood and defiant pain
I should go an find them
These potential friends
Not be alone with my brain
Chapter 626: The Roof
Chapter Text
I know how to get out onto the roof
The unlocked door just beyond
That simple set of stairs near here
It taunts me and beckons me there
To stand beneath the stars so high
Looking down at the ground just
Far enough below to cause injury
Maybe even death if I really tried
And before I was innocent of this
Opportunity and now I am aware
So painfully aware that it is all
I can think about right now as
It fills my thoughts and consumes
All reason in my brain I am left
Waiting for the inevitable moment
When I try to test the theory
About humans ability to take flight
Chapter 627: To Never Wake
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think
That no one understands
The battle going on
Inside my head
Behind my eyes
Silent and hidden
For the most part
Just to fight not
To go to sleep
One night and
Never wake up
Chapter 629: Explain Me
Chapter Text
How do I explain me?
Because you make
Claims of friendship
But from my perspective
You've only ever seen
My profile picture.
You don't know all
My past and present
Problems - I don't
Want you to know
Because then maybe
Despite all you've said
And who you are
Maybe you'll hate me
Or think I'm weak.
I'd rather not look
In your eyes and
See loathing or pity.
So how do I explain?
All the past trauma
And learned behaviour
All the mistakes made
And learned from or
Every time I've stumbled
Why would you want
To know any of it?
Why would you care?
You barely know me
No matter what
You claim, I am a
Stranger or as good as.
But still you try
To make me smile
And help my days
Be a little bit brighter.
Thank you for that
How could I reward
All that kindness
With tales of fear
Woe and weakness
It is not what you
Deserve and yet
I think it is what
You are asking for...
Chapter 630: I Used It
Chapter Text
I used it
I am a fool
I picked up the elastic band
I used it for a different use
I made my skin red and raw
I felt better immediately
I think that's almost worse
I feel so guilty
I feel like it was a mistake but
I also know that I can't go back
I have to keep going like that
I must use the elastic band again and again
I will fall otherwise and fail
I will triumph in the end
I just have to pay this small price
I sacrifice smooth cool skin
I accept the red raised lines
I move forward and carry on
I don't know why I'm surprised
Chapter 631: Others
Chapter Text
For the first time I think
I am interacting, really
Conversing and sharing
With those who have lived
Similar life tracks to mine
Even with some similar
Neurodivergences to me
But who have had drastically
Different life experiences
From others with ADHD or
Autism in various combinations
To the undiagnosed spicy
Brains I am meeting now
And it's strange because
It makes me appreciate all
I have survived and thrived
Through despite everything
But also it makes me wonder
If I am weaker than they are
Those who stand strong
In spite of theirs brains
Problems and intricacies
That my brain isn't at fault
It just is the way it is
And I can't handle any of it
Chapter 632: More Than This
Chapter Text
I desperately want to
Be more than my scars
But I always define
My own life by what
I've survived through
Can I ever be more
Become anything but
My own tortured past
Be more than my labels
Both those gifted
By society and by me
Even if my scars fade
Which they tend to
No matter what I wish
My memory will
Always be bounded
By when I gained them
Each and every one
Chapter 633: Restricted
Chapter Text
I can't do that
In front of you
Because it
Would scare
Me to let you
See me so
Weak and afraid
But I can't ask
You to leave
Because I
Know that you
Would oblige
And I'd lose
My safeguard
And hurt again
So even though
I want to do it
I really don't
So please don't
Go and leave
Me here alone
Chapter 634: You Let Me?!
Chapter Text
Why did you let me
- and I mean permit
Because you have
And had the power
You must admit -
So why did you let
Me be here right now
You could have shut
The metaphorical door
In my face many times
Before as so many
Before you have done
So why didn't you
Why did you let me
Apply and be accepted
Get on the plane and
Fly all the way here
From where I was and
Listen and learn with
The rest - why did
You let me have this
Experience, this epic
Opportunity which
I fully expected and
Anticipated being
Thrown back in my face
But you called my bluff
Said okay then let's go
So now I'm here and
I'm fighting to stay
Because you let me
Get my foot in the door
Chapter 635: Second Key 🔑
Chapter Text
You got a second key for my hotel room.
That is a statement that says a lot...
I didn't dwell on it's significance when you told me
Too tired and distracted to do anything
More than acknowledge and accept.
But now I wonder at your motivations
Because I think I understand them well enough.
Though I must admit it says something
Deliberate about me and you and me
That you don't trust me or that you're worried
I don't know which would scare me more.
Chapter 636: Jump
Chapter Text
I am not scared of heights!
I'm not even scared of falling
Or of hitting the bottom
But when I look over that
Low glass barrier down
Three storeys I am afraid
I am afraid because for a
Split second I want to jump
Chapter 637: Sharing Is Caring
Chapter Text
I am lying on a bed of nails
My struggles spread thinly
Among many friends half
Known and barely close
Each aware of a small portion
So that no one sees the
Whole picture but me
And no one gets burdened
With all I have to deal with
Chapter 638: Comparisons
Chapter Text
There are others here
With the same issues
As I have and yet they
Seem to manage fine
On the surface which
I can see though maybe
Not down deep beneath
Everyone is happy and
Well because pretending
Is our shared experience
They have struggled too
I can see it in their eyes
In how their shoulders set
In the skin of their arms and legs
Their faces rarely show it
And their words may only hint
But I realise now that
I am not alone as I used to think
Does that diminish what
I have managed and achieved
To compare my successes
And failures to theirs which
I am only able to theorise
Compared to them am I a mess
Or do we all share common strength
Chapter 639: Miscommunications
Chapter Text
Why does it still surprise me
That people don't say what they mean
You offered help, you suggested
To check in and check up on me
So I agreed because I agreed it would help
Not because I thought it was necessary
I did not ask you to sacrifice your time
Your energy and attention on me
And yet you seem surprised that
I think you did not have to stay
You told me that I just had to ask
You told me to be honest and open
Tell you if things were not okay
But then you go back on your word
And reveal that was not what you meant
There was a secret clause in your declaration
In fine print so small I did not know it existed
That there was a limit to your aid
A limit to your offered assistance which
You never told me or warned me that
We were reaching or getting near
How was I supposed to know your mind
If your words do not tell me the truth of its ways
Every time I make this mistake and
Take people at their word it trips me up
Am I doomed to never understand
To perpetually misunderstand and miscommunicate
Until one misunderstanding leads
To a darker fate that I cannot escape
Chapter 640: How Could I Have Known!?
Chapter Text
You offered!
Why would
You offer to
Do something
Which you
Were not able
Nor prepared
To actually do!
And then why
Would you do
That which
You said you
Would if then
You will tell
Me that I forced
You to act when
I never ever asked
You to do a thing
You offered!
So I accepted
Because I thought
That meant
You had thought
It through!
How is it my
Fault now
That you did
Not explain
Your intent
Nor your actions!
I am not a mind reader!
Chapter 641: Sweetest Silence
Chapter Text
I have not spoken a word yet today
I have not spoken to a soul all day
Least of all my own and most of all
No one else is here - at least not
In any way that matters for though
They may be somewhere around
I cannot find them should I care to
So I might as well be alone and so
I have not spoken a word yet today
I have not spoken to a soul all day
Chapter 642: On A Plane
Chapter Text
The floor bounces
And ebbs with motion
So like a ferry and yet
This is no boat. Instead
This is a bus with
Wings like a metal bird
With a belly full of
Passengers in various
States of calm and
Anxious, relaxed and
Nervous, quiet and
Loud chatterboxes
All in it together
As we sit and wait
To begin our flight
Through the clouds
And above, to home
Chapter 643: Disappointment & Consequences
Chapter Text
Disappointment
Taste bitter like
A sour lemon
It feels like a
Rock is sitting
On my chest
Something grips
My heart in a
Vice and twists
As a second hand
Rings my throat
As my mouth
Grows even drier
And regret like bile
Lingers in the
Back of my throat
I cry but I cannot
Change the past
Anymore than
I can paint the
Sky a bright yellow
When will I learn
That my choices
Have an impact
That actions
Always will have
Consequences
Chapter 644: Delayed Reaction
Chapter Text
I went into problem-solving mode
Trying to just get home and sort
Everything I needed to get there
Packing and booking flights swiftly
But now I'm flying there finally
I have to weep for what I left behind
I grieve for the choices I had to make
And the ones I didn't realise then
Could change my life like they have
I cry for the opportunities I missed
Just as much as I quietly celebrate
Everything I accomplished and
Successfully achieved both by myself
And with help to varying degrees
I have to view both at the same time
To not let either scare or weigh me down
Chapter 645: I Am So Proud
Chapter Text
I am so proud
To be here
Looking out
The window
At the clouds
Drifting past
Like I am a bird
I am so proud
To have gone
To those places
Stood where
People I have
Read about
From long ago
Maybe once
Stood too and
I breathed in
Air different to
Any ever before
Drank water
From lakes so
Far away from
All I've known
I am so proud
Of all I managed
My accomplishments
I accept and
Celebrate in
My battered heart
And I am proud
Chapter 646: Just Wait!
Chapter Text
The strings are unraveling
Slowly but with certainty
My control is slipping away
Dwindling like ice in the sea
I have to keep my tight grip
For a few more hours at least
Until I'm home and safe or
Just simply with my family
The tears are permitted to fall
But no other outward signs
Can suggest I am anything
But okay and doing fine so
I can get on with surviving
Unheeded by helpfulness
Kindness or harried fright
Since their worry would only
Interrupt my game of pretend
And right now I cannot face
My reality or emotional state
So I'm going to hide my face
My wrists and my heartache
Chapter 647: Face Front
Chapter Text
I look forward
I am resolute
I do not dare
To glance back
Behind me at
Where I came
Only staring
Straight ahead
With eyes so dull
And almost dead
Chapter 648: I Love Clouds
Chapter Text
I love clouds
They are just
So nebulous
And never ever
The same twice
Ever changing
Blink once and
They're different
They form shapes
So natural and
Fluidic as if alive
But as beautiful
And awe-inspiring
Like they were
Painted or sculpted
Just to delight
Chapter 649: Mental Photographs
Chapter Text
I hope I will always
Remember this
Moment in crystal
Clear clarity so
That I can forever
Recall how it felt
To see the sunlight
Light the tops of
The fluffiest clouds
The exhilaration
When I spotted
Another plane
Zooming past us
The nervous jitters
And clenching
In my stomach
When the aircraft
Judders and
Shudders its way
Through the air
Despite the smells
Confusing and
Chaotically layered
Depsite the noise
I am trying my best
To drown out with
Banging tunes
Depsite the anxiety
The exhaustion
The stiff legs and
Feet half asleep
I want to remember
Everything, all of it
Save it as easily
As my phone does
The many many
Photos I take out
Of the small window
The sky is so blue
My eyes cannot
Be torn away
I want to fly in
My brain from
This day onwards
Chapter 650: Some Thoughts I've Had
Chapter Text
I'd rather suffer through
Than rely on something
Or worse, on someone
I have so many ‘thanks you’s I need to say
To everyone who helped me get here today
Why don't you demand answers
Or voice questions about my actions
Like so many have before you
I have something to prove.
Have I got nothing to lose?
Only to myself and
Only my own health...
I do not need
To justify to you
My own decision
Because it was
Mine to make
I can't fight on behalf of all of us
Just brain being brain.
Brain being brain is the worst.
Actions have consequences.
Sanity is like Santa…
Clearly my communication skills are not as good as I think they are...
I'm glad you are in my corner.
No turning back now.
No turning back now!
No turning back now?
No turning back. Now.
No turning back...
It is what it is.
I do not have the emotional resilience for turbulence right now...
And even if you're scared, you're stronger than you know.
Sunflowers grow to face the sun
Sunflowers are not for everyone
All that matters now is where I go from here.
Live life like nobody is watching!
I can't accidentally kill myself with an elastic band
So I assumed they wouldn't care...
It would be so much easier not to try
You can't be let down if you expect nothing
Chapter 651: The Friendship Group
Chapter Text
I remember sat there
A child and so young
Perched on a chair
Legs too short to
Reach the floor at all
Face upturned gazing
Around at faces wrinkled
All older than mine
By decades and more
They would smile
Doting and sweet
Discussing crosswords
As words I could not
Yet define but would
Someday flew thick
And fast over my head
I think of them sat
There frozen in time
Thanks to my memories
Whenever I see a sudoku
It's puzzling squares
Empty and ready to
Be carefully filled in
By a ready pencil or pen
Produced with a creaky
Flourish from a pocket
Or handbag or something
When I was even smaller
I would crawl beneath
The tables and run
Behind their chairs
Too fast for them to
Catch me as they all
Just turned their heads
Looking back I understand
How my innocent laughter
Could light up lives so
Long lengthy and weary
My energy and joy
Captured their attention
And affection even as
Much as my smile with
Some missing small teeth
They would let me have
Custard in a bowl and
Drink it even sometimes
So many vegetables
Boiled more often than not
The excitement we shared
The day it was time for
Fish and chips or
The weeks when we
Played games after
Their cheerful shouts
Enthusiastic in a way
That I couldn't match
For bingo or beetle as
The dice rattled across
The tables I'd try to
Catch them as they spun
The cubes slipping
Past my stubby reaching
Fingers so that they'd
All laugh then continue
Their friendly competition
So much tea with milk
And sugar too was drunk
Coffee sometimes I think
I remember helping to
Serve it when I was older
Lining up with eager
Empty hands ready to
Be helpful but nervous
To carry a full cup of
Steaming brown across
The comfortable chaos
To its drinker at their chair
I took practice I recall
But soon I was a pro
They're quiet thank yous
Ringing in my ears
And making my face glow
All smiles and playful relief
My memory might have
Brushed over the sad bits
When one by one they
Did not attend each week
For various reasons not
Just that they went to
A different place from me
And I remember wondering
If I could visit them still
And bring them tea or
Help them with crosswords
Now my vocabulary had
Grown though it could
Never equal their own
But I have to be content
To keep them alive in
My young childish dreams
Painted from memories
Faded and faint with
Aging like their hands
Always used to seem
Chapter 652: This Is What I Wish For You
Chapter Text
What world will you live in
By the time you are my age
When you've lived twenty
More years than your current
Two or three on this earth
I pray this world will be better
And not worse like I imagine
When I see all the bad news
Piling up with the garbage
And the sewage and the floods
The climate is in serious trouble
But will we hand over to you
Solutions or a mended planet
Or just more problems and
Disarray and no hope left at all
I'd like to think we can do it
Make things better though
Maybe not perfect, just better
And let you continue to work
For everything more than basic
Rights, freedoms, equality and
Peace in this fractured world
But I don't know what will happen
If I will even get to see you grow
We haven't had our turn yet
My generation is certainly raring
To go and get started on changes
They are primed for action so
I hope they can succeed and
Be their best selves to forge
Our best version of this world
I wonder what I could do to help
What I could possibly accomplish
That would make an impact
On your future and also my own
My words are not enough I fear
I cannot talk or write a new world
Onto existence I have to get up
And do something about it
Be the change I need us all to be
So that one day when we hand
Over the keys to this planet
It will be green and peaceful
And somewhere that you can
Live with joy and happiness
This is what I wish for you.
Chapter 653: Paused
Chapter Text
I'm so excited for
What lies ahead
So looking forward
To what comes next
I want so much
To be prepared
To be getting ready
Packing and sorting
But I can't yet...
I'm stuck in limbo
As if someone has
Pressed pause
On my life and
I'm standing still
While everything
Around me spins
I can't break free
Of this weird rut
As I need to work
Through all my
Complicated feelings
Before I can move
Even though I want
To be stepping
Forward and never
Stop I know I need
To process things
Recover and recharge
My emotional and
Physical batteries
Before I can turn
My attention and
Energy to the next
Thing I am doing
With my short life
Chapter 654: Do You Think
Chapter Text
Do you think I'm sick to
Do these things to myself?
Do you find me disgusting?
Shocking or horrifying?
Or are you just concerned
Like you pretend to be?
Concerned for my wellbeing
As you assert or for your
Sanity, safety and general state?
Are you worried about
Laws and bureaucracy or
Being sued should I die
And someone presume
That it's your fault as if
I have no agency or
Control or choice of my own?
Do you think I should
Be sectioned and locked up?
Do you wish I was anywhere
But within your sight
And no longer your problem
To try and fail to sort?
And yet you claim you
Would not see me dead
And free and at peace
At last if by my own hand?
I look into your eyes as
You spew concerns and
Blunt opinions framed
As facts and conclusions.
I can barely meet your gaze.
I feel ashamed and unholy
Cursed and unwanted
A problem to be fixed
Or an issue to be solved.
In your eyes I see that
This is all my fault
That my choice to make
My own choices left me
With none to make now.
Do you think I chose this?
Do you think I wanted
This to be how my life is?
Do you think I wouldn't
Change the past if I could?
Chapter 655: That Face
Chapter Text
I've seen that face before
That exact expression of
Horror, fear, revulsion and
A sprinkling of concern mixed
As if carved by a jagged knife
Not unlike the silver blade
That tore my left arm to shreds
When I was sixteen and
Struggling through exam
After gruelling stressful exam
And my sleeve got raised
And the damage seen so
I saw that expression before
Only magnified in its alarm
After all the blood was
Pooling in my open palm
Chapter 656: I Want It To Be Winter
Chapter Text
I want it to be winter
I'm ready for the cold
I want to skip the autumn
To live January right now.
I want to wear multiple
Layers of clothing
All bundled up and snug
Warm and protected
I want to sleep with
A weighted blanket
Every night to guard
Against loneliness
I want the crisp cold
Air to fill my lungs
So that they burn
And I gasp in more
I want the frosty leaves
To crunch underneath
My feet as they traipse
To and fro from places
I want the clear blue
Skies dotted with grey
Whispy clouds or fluffy
Snow-filled blobs
I want Christmas to
Be come and gone
The next big event
To be silly Valentine's
I want to wear thick
Fluffy socks all the
Time and never take
Them off again
I want to watch it snow
Beyond my window
Thick and soft flakes
Floating down in the night
I want to see the stars
High above my head
Between lashes dark
Glimmering with light
I want to see the bare
Branches on the trees
Without their green leaves
Cold as they wait
I want to see the sunset
Over the distant hills
I want to watch the sunrise
Between the rooftops
I want it to be winter
Tomorrow and not
In several months time
I have no patience
Whatsoever for that
Chapter 657: Following Footsteps
Chapter Text
I have walked
Where maybe
Famous feet
And faces
Have also tread
I have touched
Stones and
Walls, arches
And statues
That maybe
A thousand
Before me
Have also in
The thousand
Years they
Have stood tall
Chapter 658: God Save The King
Chapter Text
This afternoon I spent sat on
My sister's bedroom floor
Scrolling through TikTok with
A growing sensation of quiet
Concern, fear and dread
Brewing in my chest as I read
About my queen's I'll health
And watched many a clip
Of her children and their kids
Making all due haste to her
In cars and planes they raced
To be by her side for the end
I was watching BBC's Merlin
Episode called The Darkest Hour
Appropriate in some weird way
When I saw the notification
I somehow knew was coming
I paused the TV and showed
My phone screen to my family
Then hastily changed channel
As ordered by them to BBC news
We watched a man sat in black
Struggling a little to stay in control
His tears never beyond his eyes
But never quite losing the thick
Heavy quality to his measured tone
Slowly the information trickled out
Her son is king and it makes me
Roll my shoulders and shift my
Feet so uncomfortable does the
Phrase "God save the king"
Leave me - I have never known
A king on the English throne
Only ever a queen, my queen Liz
King Charles the third, he now is
We laughed and thought of those
Great Horrible Histories songs first
Her face was everywhere as
I continued to scroll across the
Internet's various outlets and genres
Instagram was interesting as
The same three exact photos
- depending on the news source
Which had been selected - kept
Repeating like deja vu on my screen
I searched for all the hashtags
Rediscovered videos from her
Platinum jubilee so that I recalled
The moment when she stared
Out at the assembled crowds
All cheering her good fortune and
Wishing her good health - mere
Months ago now - and her face
As clear as day whispers solemnly
"I know this is the last jubilee
I will see, make the most of it Liz
It's your last hurrah you'll be here for"
The moment when the live view
Of Buckingham Palace - home
To the king and his queen consort -
And two staff dressed all in black
Walked out and attached a plaque
To the bars near the gates and
All the crowds nearest craned in
The overhead shot revealing all
The long streaks of exposed skin
As in unison arms stretched forward
To aim their phone with it's camera
Recording or just snapping away
At those two poor people doing
Their solemn duty as they should
A mark of the modern age that
We should take note of and
Perhaps mourn too, that people
Need to capture and film -
I would hope not for prosperity
But for a sense of respect -
The moment when the official
Notice was placed for all
To read and note and see:
"Queen Elizabeth II has died"
(And so God Save The King)
Chapter 659: Flaws Exploited
Chapter Text
Which clue did I give you and when
That made you think that this
That communication is easy for me
That it is as simple as you think
To just walk across a room and speak
Say something like "could you help me"
Or "there's a problem" or even as
Simple as "I'm struggling right now"
Because I see you're busy, on the phone
Or in mid conversation and you've made
The point enough times that I'm infringing
On your work time and social lives
So what's with the mixed messages
And confusing conflicting information
Can I interupt you for my own sake?
Or must I hide and pretend I'm fine?
Because it seems that no matter what I do
I'm in trouble for not reading the room
For not reading you or the situation right
Even though at no point did I tell you
That communication is anything but
A weankness of mine, my metaphorical
Chink in my armour, a fatal flaw it seems
Chapter 660: Choice
Chapter Text
You were kinder
You didn't let me
Make a choice
You made the decision
And I forgave you
For doing that
They weren't so kind
First they let me believe
I had options to choose
Between and then they
Told me the truth a day later
That there was never
Any options from the start
But they still presented me
With a choice, like I had
Something or anything to
Choose between, they
Backed me into a corner
Or against a cliff's edge
And then said it was my
Decision to jump or not
That is not a choice
Chapter 661: Surprise, Surprise
Chapter Text
It fucks with
Your self worth
Being betrayed
Being told you're
Not good enough
Will do that too
I don't know why
I'm surprised
Chapter 662: Imagine!
Chapter Text
My mind is alive with the future
Where the past used to be replayed
Over and over again without pause
I now imagine my coming pathways
Pictures are painted and come to life
Dancing and thriving in my mind
I am excited, inspired and amazed
Examining my daydreams for experiences
Seeking out opportunities in the safe haven
Of the wildest stories that I might tell
My potentiality is endless and I thrive
In every possible tale I could spell
Hope-filled and brave at heart
I am not naive enough to believe
That this could be the new start
Of some magical golden age
Where all of my problems and pains
Dim and disappear with a wand's wave
But I do have faith that things can change
For the better as I learn and grow
And as my imagination gets bolder
Chapter 663: Queen Liz 2
Chapter Text
Thank you for all you've ever done
Grandmother to all and mother to some
May your corgis greet you at the gates
And run barking full of love to lick your face
I promise that you will not be forgotten in history
We will tell tales of your reign for centuries
You were there before our very first steps
And can we be honoured to have seen
Your last handshake and act of duty
We won't forget that triumphant jubilee
To celebrate our long serving queen
Though all eyes now turn to your son as king
We see you in him and his love for everything
I pray you find your deserved peace and rest
Watch, dear Lizzie, for what the world has prepared
Flowers in their thousands line the pavements
Their every petal a life you impacted in a way
Your rainbows whisper that you made it safely
To a place in which you can spend eternity
We lower the flags for a split second of your lifetime
But our respect will never dim nor our sympathy waver
For your children who stand strong in the wind
Wiping away secrets tears and embracing with handshakes
Let your youngest great grandchildren remember your love and kindness
As the next generation grows up without your guidance
I hope we remember all that you've been
And teach those who follow our footsteps
The same lessons we have seen you lead
Say hello to Phillip from all of us down here
Kick back, get comfortable, and enjoy the view
For the next week or so the whole wide world
Will all be thinking of you, Queen Liz 2
Chapter 664: Today & Tomorrow
Chapter Text
If I died tomorrow
If I went to sleep tonight
And never woke up
I would be sad about
The choices I never got to make
But I wouldn’t regret
The opportunities I never took
Chapter 665: Sightlines
Chapter Text
It’s yet another thing to be wary of
Another set of triggers to avoid
Don’t look too long in a mirror
Or at the reflection in the shower
Don’t look down at my naked body
And count the rolls of fat or stray hairs
Don’t stare contemplating my upper half
Wondering if I could stand them being there
Chapter 666: Trying To Thrive
Chapter Text
I can wear men’s shirts and be happy enough
I will keep my hair to shoulder length forever
I wear baggy jumpers for as long as I’m able
And I avoid looking for too long in the mirror
Chapter 667: Just Give Me A Reason
Chapter Text
Doesn't everyone need to hear that sometimes?
That there's a reason to keep going, to keep fighting
And sometimes it doesn't really matter what the reason is
Just that there is one and that you've got to fight to exist
Chapter 668: Aching With Accomplishment
Chapter Text
My body aches
In a way which
Makes me glad
My muscles are
Stiff from being
Contorted this
Way and that
Throughout today
My eyes are dry
And crusty from
Staring all day
At a laptop screen
And my neck
Feels like I've been
Holding up a
Ceiling for hours
But I've accomplished
So much that I have
A happy little smile
On my face that refuses
To go and a warm fuzzy
Feeling in my stomach
Like pride or satisfaction
I've missed out on a little sleep
And stared too long at keys
But I made visible progress
In the afternoon's long hours
And I am happy with how
I spent my allotted time
Chapter 669: Not The Only One?
Chapter Text
I can’t be the only one
Who wonders what the
World would be like if
I was never born or existed
Just musing on my impact
Pondering my network
Of influence and interaction
That’s completely normal, right?
Chapter 670: Scared For Her
Chapter Text
I get scared when my sister leaves the house.
I’m scared something will happen to her
That won’t happen here in these safe walls.
A car accident or a random stabbing, I read the news.
I’m scared I will forget about her, somehow
Even in those fifteen minutes or few hours
Because I do and then I remember and I’m scared again.
And now she’s going off to university
A place several hours drive away from me and home.
I’m not scared something will happen necessarily.
She’s capable and confident when she tries to be
Sometimes I think she’s far more capable than me.
I am worried that she’ll be stressed or get depressed
And not tell me or not share the load around
Because I’ve set a bad precedent for not coping
With university life and her own time at college
Was not perfect either, but then life rarely is.
What I’m most scared of as she walks out the door
Is that for some reason this could be the last time
I ever see her, that she’ll die in between now
And the next time we’ll both be here at home
And I want so much to make sure she knows
How much I love her but not that I’m scared
Of course, I am her older sister I must act composed
When I hug her goodbye wondering when
Not if she’ll be gone for good and I’ll be alone.
So I pray that I’ll die first because I guarantee
She can’t love me as much as I love my sister.
Chapter 671: Schrodinger’s Pessimist
Chapter Text
The theory of Schrodinger’s cat
Can be applied to the debate of
Optimists versus pessimists.
Because an optimist would
Believe the cat is alive until
It is proven to be otherwise;
While a pessimist takes the stance
Of assuming it is deceased.
I do the latter when it comes
To worrying about those I love.
If I haven’t seen them or heard
From them in a while, I just
Assume they are dead or injured.
Like Schrodinger’s cat, they need
To be proven otherwise before
I can relax – until the next time
They leave my vicinity or get in
A car and I am left waiting and
Drowning in my pessimism
Until the time comes that
They are proven, like that cat,
To be dead as assumed, or alive.
Chapter 672: No Quiet Within
Chapter Text
My thoughts don’t ever stop
Don’t ever cease so I don’t
Ever pause to ponder if
I’m insane or just simply me
It’s a wonder that I ever hear
Anything that’s ever said
In my vicinity over the noise
Being made within my own head
My thoughts run and chase
Like a puppy hyped up on caffeine
They don’t pause or take breaks
Like some emotionless machine
Programmed to never hesitate
And I am left here in the chaos
Listening without hearing
Every moment of every day
Seeking quiet within me
By hunting a cacophony
Out beyond my ears to
Drown out the raging torrent
Of stupid useful fascinating ideas
Chapter 673: 09:30
Chapter Text
I don't know what's happening to me
My head aches like I'm coming down with something
My eyes are dry and my limbs are heavy
But it's only nine thirty I shouldn't be so tired
Chapter 674: Silent Crescendo
Chapter Text
It starts gentle
Like creating a wave
My breath leaves
My body softly
Ghosting past my
Dry and parted lips
I press a button
And go insane
But right now
This is violent
Desperate almost
No gentle crescendo
More like crashing
Over a waterfall
My heart beats
So loud in my ears
My skin pulses
With its contractions
Little breaths gasp
In needed air
And smaller yet
Moans escape
Though I try to
Hold them in
The vibrations
Make my nerves
Sing a symphony
And I arch to make
My body align
Everything in me
Flutters and shudders
As I steal pleasure
Rip it from my flesh
All pressure and
Stubborn insistence
I force those chemicals
In my brain to yield
They submit to my will
And I am given joy
I demand pleasure
Hold my body at gunpoint
To get it for the tenth
Or even twentieth time
All my limbs are tensioned
Pulled taught and tight
I am frozen all except
The heart of me which
Throbs and pounds out
A rhythm I'm learning to speak
Any fantasies slip away
Intangible and weak in the face
Of my body singing as
My mind is consumed by it all
Then there's that rush
Of peace and relief
When it's over and done
My body still vibrating
And pulsing with every
Pounding heartbeat
My eyes roll back
In my head and I
Suppress a shameful sound
My mouth is dry and
My fingers are damp
I lie there quivering
In the aftermath for a while
My mind plays through
Moments both illicit
And utterly random
As I get my breath back
From where it was stolen
I know if I were to look
In the mirror I would
Appear flushed and that
The spoon from earlier
Is still shiny and slick
Chapter 675: Opinions On Opinions
Chapter Text
I get my sense of opinion from my mother
Not her opinions themselves, to be clear
There are altogether too many things we disagree on
But the way she stubbornly digs in her heels
When someone tries to contradict her
Or prove her opinion to be wrong, however gently
Reasonably or logically the opposing opinion may be
I used to do the same thing, like a puppy who learnt
To that if they sat and refused to move they'd win
But I'm learning, or at least I'm trying to think
Before I speak and consider others viewpoints
Sometimes I get it wrong but then I reflect on that
And I realise a little better how opinions can be wrong
Chapter 676: Game Of Life
Chapter Text
How often can we say
"That's just the game of life
Learn how to play"
And how much should
We mutter "that's not okay
We need to change things
And make this better"
I know I'm very lucky
In the hand I've been dealt
I have to contend with
So few hardships in my life
I should just buckle in
Knuckle down and get on
With living through them
Chapter 677: Future Places & Imagined Spaces
Chapter Text
A generous handful of dried lavender
Sitting in an old milk jar in the corner
That's what I imagine first when I picture
The room of my studying dreams
A huge thick cut wooden bookcase
Should have pride of place don't you think
Filled with my slowly growing collection
Of academic works with subjects ranging
From Mary Shelley to Margaret Atwood
From the evolution of man to its stone tools
From Augustus and his awesome authors
To the marvellous Industrial Revolution
In between these eclectic tomes
Thick and thin, grand and old, tall and small
Would nestle my vast rock assemblage
From beaches all over Europe, I hope
On the walls flanking my big solid desk
Strong and sturdy enough to rest my feet on
Would be on one a mural of photographs
Of my rabbits which I have already begun
And on the opposite would be a corkboard
With a map of these fair isles pinned up
And a little coloured pin placed on every spot
Where in the name of archaeology I have dug
There would be plastic stars that glow in the dark
Stuck with bits of tape in every available gap
More spilling across the ceiling to warn me
When I get too engrossed and night creeps in
Thick comfy jumpers would be slug on hooks
On the back of the old heavy oak door
Bundles of fluffy socks scattered all about
And discarded mugs of tea or hot chocolate
With the crumbs of their accompanying biscuits
Lingering along the edges of workspaces
Where they sit waiting for me to take them away
There would be not a single mirror at all but
A big open window for me to view the sky through
A clock on the wall tick ticking away is essential
As are a disjointed mix of pens and pencils
Stuffed into an old jar or tin to keep them neater
All the knick knacks that I can't help but collect
Would fill up all the empty spaces that I can't
Fill in with my wild and enthusiastic imagination yet
Chapter 678: Shameful Smiles
Chapter Text
I just noticed
Another line
On my face
Made from
Smiling lots
I shouldn't
Be ashamed
Of that, right?
Chapter 679: I Don't Understand
Chapter Text
I don't understand
What about it is so
Shocking to those
Around me, who
Claim they care
And so obviously
And painfully are
Effected by my
Choices and actions
Can someone please
Explain it to me
What makes them
So horrified and
Concerned when
I express or act
Upon thoughts
And desires of
Hurting myself?
Chapter 680: Biased
Chapter Text
I think it’s okay to have biases
And the explicit kind, not the implicit
Because so long as you’re aware of them
Then you can counter-act where needed
But I also believe that we have biases
For a reason, because they are learned
Not just taught to us by society –
Which is usually ill-informed and
Thus ill-advisable to listen to –
But we are also taught our biases
From our own experiences
My interactions with people
Though limited and subjective
Have informed the assumptions
I make about various types of people
It is learned behaviour based
On past interactions and experiences
Basic learning principle, if you ask me
Chapter 681: I Can't Forget
Chapter Text
The worst thing about it
Was that you never explained
Never gave me a reason
Why you suddenly pulled away
Ceased all contact and
Even ran away from me in person
Told the others to avoid me too
But never explained to me why
How am I supposed to learn
To not repeat those same mistakes
I accept and agree that I made some
But what they were that hurt you so
I can only ever theorise and guess
Because you never even via
A messenger or third party
Bothered or cared enough to explain
So now I cannot enter a room
Where you are because that
Is the rule you set out by example
Without verbal communication or
Simple justification, out of respect
For what I think your wishes are
And with a limited understanding
That I hurt you somehow, I won't
Go where you sit trying to work
I'll avoid asking for help if I need it
And I look back and dwell
On everything that happened
Even a year later and I can't forget
Chapter 682: This Is Torture
Chapter Text
This is torture
This is a version of hell
Purgatory made especially for me
The awkward glances
Eye contact swiftly averted
Passing people whose names
I don't recall but who
I know and they know
That they know me
Oh very well indeed
I might as well have a sign
Above my head shouting
All my past transgressions
Because however much
I try to move beyond
My many past mistakes
Make a clean start
A fresh break of everything
They are still around
I still see their faces
And worse they have power
Over me and my wishes
They're lingering doubts
Or grievances could
In a worst case scenario
Cost me my well-being
Health sanity or even life
If their hard stares disguised
As broken off glances
Continue like they have
Just in this first short week
Then if the worst happens
And I am left hurting
Unlike the last time
When it all went wrong
I am paying for that time
For what I said and did
Incorrectly despite never
Being told how to do it right
This time I could pay with my life
Chapter 683: Got To Be Alright
Chapter Text
I've got to be alright this year
It's all got to go well or okay
Because the training wheels
Are off and thrown away
Beyond those bridges I have
Burned with careless matches
There is no safety blanket
There are no second chances
No lives spare to offer up
Nothing I can say to save me
I will not be forgiven now
So it's now or never I must learn
Finally in my worthless life
To stand on my own two feet
And not topple or stagger
Causing chaos and calamity
At the slightest hint of a breeze
Chapter 684: Severed Puppet-Strings
Chapter Text
I feel like a puppet
With its strings cut
My head’s weight
Is more than my
Neck can lift upright
It lolls like a broken
Jack-in-a-box and
My limbs flop like
Dead fish on a beach
My fingers creep
Across the keyboard
Like metal robot hands
Programmed with
Only the basic motions
That their simple
Servos can handle
My brain is made of
Cotton wool stuffed
In a space too small
And yet my shoulders
Are strained and stiff
Like they’ve been
Carrying the sky
For hours or minutes
Chapter 685: Different Perspectives
Chapter Text
My sister and I
Have very different
Perspectives on
Our childhoods
Or specifically
About our parents
I know she feels
Maybe a little
Rejected by them
For her choices
But unfortunately
Also just for being
Who she is
They don't really
Fully accept
Either one of us
But of course
In different ways
Because they
Have and had
Different expectations
Which we have
Let them down
On in different ways
But our perspectives
On how to feel
About our parents
Vary greatly I think
A lot because of
How we forgive
I am a historian
I spend my life
Analysing different
Viewpoints and
How good intentions
Lead to bad results
I am very used
To seeing the world
And seeing people
As shades of grey
Not wholly good
Or bad but just
Human being who
Make mistakes
It makes me
Forgiving and
Excusing - another
Element which my
Childhood experiences
Taught me tolerance
For ignorance or
Hate or cruelty
Against me since
I reasoned that
People don't need
A reason better
Than ignorance
They don't know me
My sister on the other hand
Seems to not be
Able to get past
That basic hurdle
Of wanting to be
Accepted by them
We both know they
Love us but love
Is not the same
Only children would
Believe such a thing
I never expected
To be accepted
I spent my whole
Childhood outcast
From my peers
And in disagreements
With my family
Even with my sister
With whom I now
Am so close with
I never expect or
Anticipate acceptance
When I seem to find it
In the friends I have
Made in the years
Since I left my teens
I am always shocked
When people help
Or want to help me
But anyway I wonder
If my sister and I will
Ever see eye to eye
On all our parents
Misdeeds and our
Own misgivings
About how much
To let them in to
Our lives going forward
I think a lot of her anger
Might be my fault too
Both for the arguments
Which traumatised her
In those early years
And for later on taking
Up all the emotional
Space and energy
Our parents could spare
With my mental breakdown
And brain dizzying chaos
I don't think she holds
A grudge for my own
Poor mental health
Just that our parents
Became blinded as
I was until recently
That she too has struggles
And needed some help
Chapter 686: My Sister's Found Family
Chapter Text
She loves the found family trope
Goes looking for it in absolutely
Every story book she can find
Seeks those perfect friendships
To create a family of her own
And I just have to hold onto hope
That I can still be with her at times
And that she won't leave me behind
Chapter 687: That Moment, That Expression
Chapter Text
I crave that moment
Which plagues my
Memories and is
Seared into my psyche
That wide-eyed look
Startled like a stoat
But tinged with horror
Like a brutal murder
Has just been committed
Right in front of them
Then the worry and
Concern leak into the
Frozen expression
Like blood through snow
I can see it in my mind
I replay it again and again
The same expression
Displayed on many
Different faces at
Different times and places
I go and find stories
To read about people
Attacked and abused
Hurt in so many
Horrific ways until
I am numb to it all
But the moment I crave
When their suffering
Is revealed to that
One or two characters
Who actually care
And the author tries
So hard to describe
That moment which
I know so well and
Can replay on repeat
At will in my mind
Chapter 688: Four Walls
Chapter Text
I wonder how long
I could survive
Living inside these
Four walls for
The rest of my life
Just this box
How soon would
It become my
Prison cell and
The window
A television screen
How long until
The air became
Stale and I didn't
Notice any smells
How long until
My skin was paler
Than healthy skin
Shades even if
Others could visit
Me in my dwelling
Would I still go
Insane for all
I thought I was
Missing out there
In the real world
Not locked here
Inside my daydreams
Night dreams
Nightmares and
All that's in between
To never set foot
Outside these walls
Again would be
Some strange relief
But would my grip
On reality and sanity
Pay the price for
My comfort and ease
Chapter 689: I Met Sir Tony Robinson
Chapter Text
It's socially anxious people's
Worst nightmare, really...
Meeting your heroes or
Just someone famous.
You know that they will
Likely never remember you
Beyond this one moment.
Not your face nor your words.
It doesn't matter what you
Say so long as it doesn't
Outright offend or insult.
But the socially anxious mind
Doesn't work that way...
It will turn over the moment
That instant or five minutes of
Vaguely awkward conversation
On repeat for weeks on end
Before finally it can let go
Of some unnoticed social
Error or stupid blunder that
It imagines the mouth has made.
Chapter 691: Celebrate
Chapter Text
For the first time
Since I was a tiny child
As the trees change
Into shades of red
Orange and gold
And my birthday
Approaches as it does
Every single year
I do not dread it
Or view its necessary
Celebrations as
Distasteful or some
Kind of elaborate lie
On my part to act
Like I am happy
To have been born
But this year it
Is different somehow
Okay I know there
Will be dark days
In the few months
Until that date arrives
Times when I do
Dread and loathe
Ever celebrating
The day of my birth
But right now I am happy
Joyous and light-hearted
Looking forward to
Spending time with
My friends to share
The moment with them
Who give me reasons
To celebrate my birthday
I look back on the past
This summer alone
Had given me half
A dozen reasons to be
Glad I am alive even
As it has given me
Reasons to be sad
And I suppose that’s
Just how life is
And I finally get that
Think of the moment
When you were born
It’s hardly ever easy
Or without pain
But apparently most
Mothers think it is
A worthwhile enterprise
And I am thankful
For the first time
That I can remember
I am grateful and
Not resentful that
I was born and
That I am alive
Because I really am
Chapter 692: Tree of Life
Chapter Text
A tree of life
Is home to many
Its hefty boughs
Hold the weight
Of many lives
Fur and feathers
Flock together
To call the tree
Their home
The tree grows
From purposeful
Accidents and
Careful care alike
It's leaves may
Be pruned and
Guided or left to
Reach far and wide
Across the sky
Someone may
Have planted it
Nurtured and
Watched its slow
And steady growth
Over the years
As time passed
Unhaltingly by
And the tree rose
In the summer
Its leaves provide
A welcome shade
In the winter the
Bark and branches
That it sheds offer
Light and warmth
In the darkest nights
And coldest times
The autumn's fruit
Swells and ripens
Then falls to where
It may grow again
And the spring's
Many buds glowing
With promise burst
Into glorious explosions
Of colour on each twig
One day it will fall
Toppled by a mighty
Storm or axe-blade
Those who live there
Will have to move on
Fly and crawl and climb
To a new home and
A new community of
The same characters
But the tree will not
Ever die even then
For once it's leaves
Decay then its trunk
Is home to a new
Group of creatures
Who use the old
Wood to sustain
Their tiny bodies
Eventually the tree
Will become part
Of the soil it once
Weaved its roots
Deeply into in order
To drink and feed
And its decomposed
Flesh will nourish
The next tree there
It will provide the
Nutrients for the
New branches which
Offer shade in summer
The branches which
May fall and burn
In the winter months
It will supply the
Beautiful flowers
Which grow into
Ripe fruits later on
It will nurture the
Seed dropped there
Accidentally on purpose
Next to its successor
Until the soil that
Feeds them both
Must sustain only one
And the old tree
Falls to join the older
Tree and the youngest
Reaches up to join
The birds in the sky
Chapter 693: Nightly Glows
Chapter Text
I am surrounded by stars
My world is dark right now
But they faintly glow with hope
A soft illuminating fluorescence
Surrounds my weighty head
Lying in this creaky old bed
The electrical lights of red
Or white or flashing green
Cannot compare to this
Gentle welcome soothing
They might be far or near
Made of chemicals and plastic
Stuck to the walls and ceiling
With tape and willpower
Or burning gases far away
Whose beautiful light
Somehow makes its way
All that distance to my eye
Both successfully make me smile
And bring me just a little joy
Each night as I try to slow
Down all my racing thoughts
I see their twinkling and
Think just on that for a while
Chapter 694: Learned Response
Chapter Text
TikTok tells me
That it's a trauma
Response of mine
To not ask for help
When I need it
But I would argue
What's the difference
Between learned
Behaviour and
A traumatised mind
Trying to do its best
Because I have
Been taught time
And time again
That if I ask for help
Firstly it will not
Magically appear
Without some
Fast talking and
Strong convincing
That's if it ever does
And if the offered
Or proposed aid
Is even useful
And what's needed
But also secondly
My life has taught me
Repeatedly because
I'm too thick to
Learn fast enough
That asking for help
And admitting I am
Struggling only
Causes more problems
Makes work for
Others who insist
On caring and makes
So much work for
Me as well to fend off
All their endless inquiries
Into my crumbling
Mental state when
All I really asked for
Was a little reassurance
A kind word maybe
Or open arms if
I really trust them
I was never asking
For them to move
Heaven and earth
Just to tell me that
I need to stay a bit longer
But they can't say that
They will never say that
And trauma response
Or learned survival
Mechanism or not
I know that I have to
Keep my head down
Pretend it's all okay
Especially when it's not
'Cause no one can help me
Well except for TikTok
Chapter 695: Heaven & Earth
Chapter Text
I was never asking
For them to move
Heaven and earth
Just to tell me that
Heaven is worth
Waiting for and that
This earth still needs
- And still wants - me
For a little while longer
Chapter 696: Shower Thoughts
Chapter Text
It took me half an hour
This evening, to shower
To get into the shower
I should really clarify as
That isn't the part which
Most might struggle with...
Once I managed to calm
My frantic breathing and
Erratically beating heart
And step under the spray
I realised why my body
Fought to stay outside
It was because I was afraid
Afraid that I would stay
Forever in the water and
Forgot the outside world
Ever existed, so numb
With exhaustion and relief
It has been difficult before
But only minor compared
To this night's episode
Complete with panicking
And trying to talk myself
In and out of it all at once
I sat down there on the floor
On the slippery budget lino
Of dubious but fairly safe
Cleanliness under the rushing
Water and let it beat down
Upon my bowed heavy head
I've never dared to sit before
Too worried about fire alarms
Or people knocking on my door
Too stressed to let tiredness in
Too preoccupied with what
Step I must orderly execute next
I made it out without drowning
However and I'm cleaner than
I was before I went in which
Is of course the main goal
Of indeed the whole enterprise
Of showering, particularly tonight
Now I lie upon my bed still
Dripping wrapped in my towel
Head laid upon the pillow
Soaking it with my wet hair
But I can't find the energy to care
Let alone get up and get dry
I must move sooner or later
The clock is approaching midnight
I have lectures tomorrow morning
Earlier than I would like too
And I need to sleep and I need
To dry off and get dressed again
But I cannot make myself get up
- Not quite yet anyway - anymore
Than I could make myself go
Into that shower when the very
Thought sent floods of bone-shaking
Heart-fluttering fear through me
I know I will move eventually
Even if there is no guarantee
The next time I am faced with
Trying to shower one evening
That I will succeed in forcing
My body to move to command
To step into that watery world
And make sure that I ever leave
Chapter 697: Three Days In
Chapter Text
How is it that
I can go to a
Different country
For two weeks
And only deal
With one proper
Shutdown but
I'm back at uni
Properly back
For three days
And I end up
Lying on the
Floor there in
The corridor
Chapter 698: Hide Who I Am
Chapter Text
I never know if
I am masking when
I go out into public places
I am certainly
Preoccupied with
Appearing as 'normal' as I can
But is that stress
That I think and feel
What masking really is like
Because I know
The consequences if
I don't conform or stick out
I've done it before
Been stimming happily
Then realised people are staring
Some may point
Some may whisper if
They're feeling kind that day
The worst jeer and
Laugh mockingly at me
At my unique expression of joy
The names that I have
Been called I will not repeat
The nicest are similar to 'childish'
And this is in
The last few years
Since I was twenty or more
Clearly not a child but
Because I'm laughing seemingly
At nothing it is what I then get called
And then there's that man
That who tried to convince me to
Get in the back of his car one evening
My friends try to
Reassure me and they
Say I can be myself around them
Like they're aware
Of the prejudice and
Mockery but don't mention it
So I have to tell them
I'm sorry but it's not that simple
I can't undo a lifetime of behaviour
Because they give me
Permission and offer acceptance
Which I should not crave this much
Do I hide who I am
Because I think it is not safe
That I will not be accepted as me
Do I hide who I am
Because it's safer all around
And because I'm scared of the world
Am I even hiding?
Or am I just existing
As I have been taught to do
And who am I really anyway
But the masks I make and wear
Around those I share my life with
If I take down the mask
If I stop hiding then what
Consequences will arise next?
How do I go about it?
Changing my whole behaviour
For when I step outside the house.
Can I be brave enough?
Chapter 699: How Can They Care?
Chapter Text
I never know
If people really
Care about me
I am always
Looking for
Proof of what
They have told
Me time and
Time again
Like a reverse
Conspiracy
Theorist only
Searching for
Proof of lies
Analysing actions
For fear they
May betray any
Words uttered
I don't know
Why I can't
Accept love
Accept that
Anyone could
Assign me
More than a
Shred of worth
To make them
For me and
Adapt to my
Needs or just
My preferences
To ask me
"How are you?"
And really want
To know my
Honest answer
Chapter 700: The Archaeology Of A Bedroom
Chapter Text
The top-most layer, the turf if you like
Is the items of just everyday life
A hairbrush or comb for example
Or some deodorant sitting idle
A jumper that was worn yesterday
The socks from mere moments ago
Discarded as feet became too warm
The pajamas perhaps still lying
Where they fell this morning
Waiting there to be worn again
Come the night and time for sleeping
An open laptop running quietly
It's contents hold stratigraphy of its own
The subsoil of a bedroom probably
Consists mostly of laundry, of course
Depending on how neat and tidy a place is
A pile of clean clothes roughly folded
Sitting neatly and ready to be put away
Into drawers or onto shelves or hung up
On empty hangers in the wardrobe
There could also be a fine layer of
Discarded clothes of varying cleanliness
Old socks for instance possess this
Special ability to drift elsewhere and
Permeate not just all corners of a space
But to sink down amongst the stratigraphy
The next layer of true archaeology
Is possibly old school textbooks
And workbooks and folders and such
Packed and stacked away from sight
But recoverable with a little digging
Not really forgotten necessarily
And held onto deliberately for some
Quiet unspoken reason to cling on
Just like the old soft toys and teddy bears
Which share this horizontal band
Piled into corners or on display
Steadily collecting invisible dust
On their synthetic fur and glassy eyes
The archaeology to be discovered
On the bookshelves of an avid reader
Is not to be lightly dismissed as the dust
Speaks volumes for which volumes
Have last been selected and perused
Equally the pages' turned over corners
Or the cracks in their spines whisper
Of their regular use and enjoyment
Many many times while any tears
Or stains or marks hint at enthrallment
To the point of carelessness and distraction
Their arrangement in alphabetical order
By title or by author also offers clues
What lies at the bottom-most depths
Of a bedroom inhabited by the same
Individual since early childhood or birth
Old photo albums from decades ago
Tucked away at the very back of cupboards
Or stored almost out of reach above them
Old nail holes in the walls or previous
Layers of wallpaper or paint covering them
The echo of old hinges remain imprinted
In the solid trim of wood round the door
The spiders lurking in the corners with
Their undisturbed secret webs containing
Memories of previous arachnid generations
What marks the beginning of habitation?
What suggests a prehistoric layer then?
Before a child entered the house turned home
Who used the space that became a bedroom
Was it an office or box-room full of storage?
And so what signs are left of the builders' work
What scrawl survives within the paper walls
To indicate who made what and when?
They don't autograph their bolts and nails
But records they still leave behind all the same.
Who will uncover these penned words
If I slide them between the carpet and floor
Carefully folded up tight on trembling paper
Will it become it's own archaeological layer?
Chapter 701: This Time Is Not Ours Alone
Chapter Text
I'm on my knees, I reach up high
Looking past the grey clouds
Searching for a face in the sky
Light is pouring down upon my face
Mixing with my tears of relief and peace
A grace more profound than I ever knew
Swells my soul like a ripening fruit
Words whisper silently in my ear and say:
The river won't run dry or sink away
Flowers will perfume the air above it
Their gentle petals disturb the surface
Causing ripples felt across the waters
In the darkness pinpricks of light
Twinkle reflected along the steady flow
They are eyes watching lovingly on
Forming a smile in the evening sun
Which sets over the old past hurts
And nurtures with comforting warmth
New shoots that reach up from the earth
Chapter 702: Ain't Got Time
Chapter Text
Do you ever have a panic attack
When trying to take a shower
And you know deep down that
It’s probably a warning sign
That things are spiralling again
But you just do not have time
To spare some for yourself
There’s too much shit to get done
So you make yourself get in
And then you cry when you do
Chapter 703: How I Hear Him
Chapter Text
My God speaks to me
In those first few moments
When I wake but before
I have even opened my eyes
He whispers through song
Lyrics which play unbidden
In my mind with words that
Hold his gentle peace or the
Answer to an unspoken prayer
In the blank dark silence
Before the world filters in
We are there together and
His wisdom and love wrap
Around me like warm arms
It helps me to know his plans
For me now and for my future
But he also gives me strength
When I don't even realise I need it
The words and their tune float
Around my head quietly repeating
Until the message sinks in but
Only for those few instants and
Then I open my eyes to the light
Chapter 704: Must Partake
Chapter Text
My brain has a fear of missing out
Missing out on mental breakdowns
That is, you see, for if it hears about
Someone else having a hard time
- Struggling with life and the like -
Then it needs to get in on the action
Or it feels left out without a thought
Spiral or two just to seem included
Chapter 705: 'Rest'
Chapter Text
I'm afraid to fall asleep
I don't even know why
I don't have nightmares
Any more than the odd
One or two same as any
I slept just fine last night
And the one before that
Yes I have a lot to do but
That's all tomorrow's issue
I know I have to be up early
Earlier than usual in the morn
So I really need to sleep
Sooner rather than later
But when I try to put down
My phone which distracts
My thoughts so very well
And attempt a soothing calm
My heart rate spikes and
Panic overruns my body
Within a minute or two
I pick up my phone again
Defeated and resigned
To waiting until my eyes
Cannot stay open to try
To obtain this mythical
Thing known as 'rest'...
Chapter 706: Head And Heart Agree
Summary:
🧠🫀🤝
Chapter Text
I do know
How to
Take it easy
I've learnt
That lesson
Too many
Time before
And I am
Getting better
With negotiating
When to draw
The line
But my problem
Remains that
Where my line
Is where
I reach the
Point of not
Being able
To suitably
Carry on
Regardless
As to my
Mental or
Emotional
State of being
So until
I reach that
Crisis mode
Of alarms
Blaring this
Way and that
I will push
Through it
Ignore the
Warning signs
In favour of
Getting stuff
Done that I
Am actively
Prioritising
Knowing it
Will kick me
In the butt
Eventually
But that's
The price
I am willing
And choose
To pay up
It's worth
It in the long
Term though
Many disagree
To experience
It all and learn
As much as
I can while
My brain
Let's me do so
Is always
Worth the
Bad days
And the
Exhaustion
And mental
Strings all
Unraveling
Even though
I don't or can't
Always remember
It when the dark
Times come
I do know
This in both
My head and
In my heart
Chapter 707: The Sick & The Dying
Chapter Text
People gather round the sick
And generally try to avoid the dying
Apart from careful moments
To allow the saying of goodbyes
But when you're sick because
You want to die then they won't
Come anywhere near you at all
Until it's too late and you're gone
Then they'll gather and gather
Talking on and on about how
They should have been there
As if they would have if they
Could see the future as clearly
And those who are dying do
Chapter 708: It Makes No Sense
Chapter Text
I know it makes no rhyme or reason
Not homesickness, not hormones
Not really even depression could
Suitably excuse or explain it, I've found
But I want to hurt myself so badly
It consumes my thoughts to distraction
I can't even give a decent justification
Beyond that I feel as though I should
I would sit all day, if I'd allow it and
Just remember how it used to feel
When my fist struck the wall or
When the blade touched my skin
I binge on Netflix and sweet treats alike
To keep my mind away from matters
I'd rather not be thinking about at all
Yet to which my thoughts always drift
I need to cause injury like I need oxygen
It feels as though I'm holding my breath
Dizzy with the fight of it all and so tired
With straining to gasp a lungful of air
It doesn't make any sense, I know
My head rings with the nonsense of it
There's no logic to follow neatly along
Nothing I can say to explain why
I stare out of the window at the leaves
Turning from green into red and gold
And I wonder how they make it look
So easy to change everything and fall
Chapter 709: The Spinster?
Chapter Text
I wonder if my asexuality
Has let me off the hook
I don't need to 'come out'
As queer - because yes
I can be asexual and gay -
I don't need to fear that
My church and parents
Won't accept or love me
Because there'll never be
Proof of my deviations
No girlfriends to shock or
Horrify them on a Sunday
Just me by myself as ever
Spinsterhood has a long
Tradition in the west world
Easily excusable and almost
Palatable so long as I get
Some dogs or preferably
A lot of cats along the way
Chapter 710: Smile And Carry On
Chapter Text
All day long
And for most
Of last night
I've been either
Punching walls
Or fighting to not
Hoping maybe
That today when
Spent around
Other people
For long hours
Someone might
Notice the quickly
Fading circles of
Red inflammation
And ask something
I'm not sure what
Because my will
Be a shrug always
I'm too conditioned
To believe that
My struggles are
Not to be shared
Even with others
Who care and
I need to stop
Wishing and waiting
Stop wallowing
And get on with
This life I'm living
Because I can
It is possible
I laughed today
I joked and had fun
Enjoyed moments
In between the
Exhaustion and strife
It can happen and
More than that
Without prompting
Or effort a smile
Just happens...
Chapter 711: My Voice?
Chapter Text
I used to have what
They might describe as
A “strong personality”
When I was a child
I was so out-spoken
And verbose because of
The many books I’d read
I shared my opinion
Especially when no one
Had asked for it and
Did so with a confidence
I fear that I now regret
For many years I’ve often
Looked back and cringed
At my bravery and audacity
To fly in the face of society
And all it cares about so deeply
But I wasn’t brave then
And I certainly am not now
Now I have simply gained
Something I did not have then
Knowledge and awareness
The ability to see myself
From another’s point of view
Not just to put myself in
Their shoes or eye but to
Know or think I know what
They think or feel about me
Me and my words and actions
How I express myself and
All the many thoughts
Which crowded my head
Then and still to this day
My mind is never ever silent
And as a youngster neither
Was my mouth and tongue
Nor my hands where possible
But steadily and gradually
All fell still and silent with
The burden of understanding
That to most my incessant
Speaking and sharing was
Unwelcome and often rejected
So why should I bother
Speaking my thoughts or
Sharing my opinions when
No one wants to hear it
Chapter 712: Little Ones
Chapter Text
I miss the little ones
Those tiny babies
Who'll grip my finger
And doze or cry while
They lie in my arms
Their features and
Limbs so small, so
Delicate and precious
Priceless in this world
And I miss their older
Siblings too, the ones
Who will run round
And round in circles
Going up and down
The slide and steps
The ones who find
Contentment and joy
In repeating without
Shame things which
Make them laugh loudly
Their little giggles
And gurgling chuckles
So utterly adorable
Even when they result
In dribbles of fluids
Down the chin and front
Their expectant faces
When they present
A book for reading
Or a pretend cup of tea
Accompanied with
A saucer for pretend
Sipping and slurping
So wide eyed and naive
But rendered beautiful
By their spirit and life
Which brims in their
Active little bodies
Until it overflows into
The hearts of those
Who interact with them
Who pick them up
When they tumble
On unsteady feet or
Cry when that one toy
They want another
Child is screaming for
They infect us with
Their lightheartedness
Their enthusiasm for
The simplest of beauty
Their fascination with
Everything this world
Has to offer the senses
They shine so brightly
With an unnameable light
Call it love or innocence
Call it youth or energy
It is unique to the souls
Of those little ones I miss
Chapter 713: Compliments
Chapter Text
I firmly believe
That one should
Never criticise
Nor compliment
Someone on
Something that
Is out of their
Control, like
Their face or
Their natural
Hair colour or
Their skin colour
Or their faith
You might express
A fondness
For an aspect
Of their being
State "I like
Your eyes" or
Something but
A compliment
For something
That was made
By genes long
Before the first
Breath was taken
Well that isn't
Really a good
Compliment, is it?
It's a declaration
Of taste and
Says more about
The speaker
Than the one
Supposedly
Being spoken of.
Wouldn't you agree?
Chapter 714: 'Eugenics' & Me
Chapter Text
When I began my study
Of the human skeleton
I did not expect to be
Greeted with a lecture
On the past use of this
Field in aiding systemic
Racism and eugenics
Barely two weeks in...
I knew that word already
It's history is entwined with
My own in a strange way
Autism and 'eugenics'
Unfortunately go hand in
Hand as even today in
America some hate groups
That I will not speak the
Name of are striving to
Achieve 'eugenic' laws
In regards to autistic people
They want the ability to
Cure Autism in the womb
Or the lawful right but
Preferably the ordinance
To terminate any fetus
Showing likely symptoms
Of being anything other
Than neurotypical like them
They spew their hate and
Hurtful words disguised as
Aid and caring kindnesses
They label it things like
A "mercy" as if that would
Make murder any sweeter.
The origins of neurodiversity
Also lie with 'eugenics' and
Cruel hate and ableism as
The first 'diagnosis' was made
By Hans Aspergers, a Nazi,
For who his syndrome was
For so long named after and
By which many of us diagnosed
He created the label to define
All those viewed as mentally
'Other' who deviated from
The norm sufficiently to
Warrant wariness and caution
He created the label I was
Given by the NHS at 17 not
For identity nor expression
But to set apart and designate
Those not perfect enough
So they could be controlled
Ordered when to breed or
To never breed and similarly
When to breathe and when
To cease and just be silent.
So you see I know this word
'Eugenics' to me it is not old or
Out-dated and some relic from
The last century - of course
It is abhorrent, ugly and unjust
And a million other things - but
It is my foe in the here and now
In the current day in this current
World we live in now today and
To me and those like me, you see
'Eugenics' is not some conquered
Beast captured in its pen and safe
Behind bars from which we can
Observe it and comment on how
Well we know it's evil ways now
We are not free from its gaze
They watch us and scheme and
We are not safe from that word
And all the hate that it means.
When I began my study
Of the human skeleton
I did not expect to be
Greeted with a lecture
On the past use of this
Field in aiding systemic
Racism and eugenics
Barely two weeks in...
Chapter 715: We Call It 'History'
Chapter Text
I often wonder
What it would
Have been like
To have lived
In those days
Now known as
History in books
To have walked
Those roads
Now rubble and
Ash under new
Concrete poured
All in a hurry
I wonder at
The sights to
Be seen then
And I wonder
If they would
Haunt me at night
If the blood and
The cries and
The sirens and
The screaming
Would leave no
Moment awake
Nor sleeping to
Be peaceful again
So I find myself
Wishing for safe
Havens and hallowed
Church grounds
To shelter me and
Others who need
Rest and peace
For just one night
In my mind I hear
The whispering
And quiet murmurs
Of prayers to
Anyone who'll listen
I'd like to think
That I would be
Brave and strong
Stand up for that
Which makes us
Who we truly are
Hide the art and
Smuggle statues
Sneak the books
And save the people
But likely I'll only
Be as courageous
As they all were then
Bold enough to
Stay alive and
Protect those
Dearest but not
Much more since
There is not room
In all the hate and
Fear for much more
Than broken shards
Of lost love to grow
Always half forgotten
Always half focused
On remembering
Those gone and
Those who will not
Be coming back
I think of what
They must have
Faced with every
Sun rise and setting
The hardships
My well-fed belly
Cannot imagine
I try to picture
The dirt and grime
The thin bodies
And bones showing
Through shallow skin
But it slides away
The image does
Not stick like
I cannot get it right
My imagination of
The past will never
Recreate that pain
That suffering
Strength and hope
For there was hope
There had to be
Because some have
Survived to tell us so
Fragmented and
Weary yes so weary
Shattered scattered
Pieces of fragile hope
From those small
Still silent moments
Looking up at the stars
Between the smoke
And the clouds
Picking out a single
Bright twinkling pinprick
And mouthing words
Memorised and
Habitual in their form
But forever heartfelt
And so precious in
Their purpose and feeling
And understanding
And acceptance of
Reality as whatever
Some may make it
Chapter 716: Scared Of The Dark
Chapter Text
The dark does not scare me
I am not a little girl anymore
I am grown and have no room
For such silly fears such as that
But when I see my reflection
In the blank black deep darkness
Late late at night when I walk
Blind as a bat to the bathroom
Feeling my way across the door
I catch sight of the silhouette on
The mirror, so human, so animate
So seemingly alive but made of
Liquid shadows somehow staring
Back at me from the silver metal
It makes me shiver I must admit
I am not a little girl anymore
But even I am scared of the dark
When the dark stares back
Chapter 717: Over 700 Poems
Chapter Text
Over 700 poems.
Is that enough
For a book yet?
Over 700 poems.
How many years
Now has it been?
Over 700 poems.
Do they tell the
Story of my life?
Over 700 poems
Am I to be found
Within their lines?
Over 700 poems.
Do you find my
Face and faith there?
Over 700 poems.
Can I be finished yet
And let them print?
Over 700 poems.
I wonder if I will
Write 700 more...
Chapter 718: Beware The Caring
Chapter Text
Beware the heart
That cares because
It is paid to do so
Beware the hands
Which hold and heal
Only out of duty
Beware the kind smiles
Beneath the kind eyes
Of the honour-bound
Beware their sympathy
Expressed in slow
Nods and small sounds
Beware their thresholds
Stepping over them
Each time has a price
Beware their doors
For when they will
Be shut in the face
Beware the locks
Soon turned to bar
Entry into the safe
Space they created
Beware their mask
Of pretended love for
It stings like a knife
Beware the rose for
Its deadly thorns so
Admire from a distance
With a heart wrapped
Up safe and tucked away
To protect from harm
Chapter 719: Beware The Caring
Chapter Text
Beware the heart
That cares because
It is paid to do so
Beware the hands
Which hold and heal
Only out of duty
Beware the kind smiles
Beneath the kind eyes
Of the honour-bound
Beware their sympathy
Expressed in slow
Nods and small sounds
Beware their thresholds
Stepping over them
Each time has a price
Beware their doors
For when they will
Be shut in the face
Beware the locks
Soon turned to bar
Entry into the safe
Space they created
Beware their mask
Of pretended love for
It stings like a knife
Beware the rose for
Its deadly thorns so
Admire from a distance
With a heart wrapped
Up safe and tucked away
To protect from harm
Chapter 720: The Fate Of Humanity
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think that
Humanity was doomed
The day we invented the sword
A tool of war and a weapon
Forged with the sole purpose
Of man fighting man unlike
The axe, arrow and knife-blade
Of the previous millennia
Their role originally for
Building, making or hunting
Not for killing other people
And spilling each other’s' blood
There's something sinister
About the long blade which
Can only really fight against
Another's long sharp blade
It's creation marks the point
In our history when the
Warrior arrives and people
Become so divided from
One another and cut up the
Land they used to roam freely
Sometimes I think that
Humanity was born
The day a broken leg was healed
It is an old saying among those
Who study our long ancient past
That society began at the point
When an old skeleton was revealed
To have a healed femur once
Fractured so badly its owner
Could not have been able to walk
For some time as it pieced itself
Back together again and the fact
That it sealed proves the existence
Of care among human beings
That others, a community, cared
For the injury and the injured
By bringing food to the lame and
Bedridden which would indicate both
A society strong enough to survive
The temporary loss of a member but
Also a culture of compassion that
Was kind enough to protect and
Provide for their weakest in their
Time of vulnerability and need
Chapter 721: My Unprocessed Sensory Trauma Of Doing The Washing Up
Chapter Text
The soapy bubbles
Irritate my skin
They make my brain
Scream inside my skull
The texture of old
Food like dried congealed
Cheese makes me retch
The extremes of
Hot and cold water
Distract me and
Interrupt my already
Chaotic train of thought
The running water
Could be soothing
And I have dropped
Many a plate when
I have become too focused
On the sensation of
Fluidity and not materiality
The bright colours
Of the plastic cups
And plates which
Are easier to clean
Look dazzling under
The fluorescent tube light
And the stainless steel
Taps and basin glimmer
Beneath the shining water
My feet are cold on the lino
Carefully tiptoeing around
Puddles of icy cold water
The chilling breeze
From the cracked open
Window rushes across
My bare arms and hands
And gives me goosebumps
The smells are like ghosts
They appear and disappear
Without warning and
Give me a fright with their
Acrid disgusting aroma
Mixed with the tang
Of the washing up liquid
The music which keeps
Me from losing willpower
And attention blasts upbeat
In my ear and the headphones
Always need adjusting when
My fingers are covered in
Bubbles so I use my shoulder
And feel the sensation of
Cloth uncomfortably against my ear
And then there are the knives
Silvery scissors and cutlery
Which hold no threat I know
But still give me anxiety
To hold between my fingers
And manipulate through
The water and the air as
Their sharpness glares
Up at me and blames me
For my old past sins…
And drying up is hardly
That much better you see
We haven't the counter
Space to let it drip dry
So my horribly pruney
Fingers grapple with
One another to not
Drop the smooth plates
Or heaven forbid that
Favourite mug of mine
As the only clean tea towel
That I have available
Because of course I am
Behind on my laundry too
Slowly becomes damper
And damper until my
Skin crawls every time
I have to twist it around
My hand and shove
It into a mug or bowl
And I wonder is it for
All of these reasons
That I avoid doing the
Washing up until there
Is a literal mountain
Waiting for me and by
Which point it takes me
An hour and a half at least
To slowly get through it all
Because I've already spent
Three days just washing
A singular fork to use now
Or is my executive dysfunction
Dysfunction to blame in
That I cannot start this
Dreaded task which waits
And lurks in the back corner
Of my mind until prodded
Finally into action by guilt
Over leaving a mess for
My poor flatmates and disgust
At myself for all the potential
Things growing in the stacks
Of plates and bowls there
On the floor conspicuous in
The corner of my room where
I have carefully arranged the
Mess to cause the most distress
And therefore motivate me
To get up and do the washing up
Chapter 722: I Am Apart From You
Chapter Text
I am happy never
Saying goodbye to you
I am content if we
Drift apart like continents
I am forgiven my
Errors and missteps in time
I am forgotten as
Our memories gather dust
I am grown now
We are not children any more
I am alone but
Never without some part of you
I am different from
Who I was then and you are too
I am aware that
We can never be the same
I am at peace
Looking back over my shoulder
I am okay with
Not seeing you in my future
I am me and you are you
We are separate people
Like how we were and how we will be
Chapter 723: It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Chapter Text
I know it’s not even November
Let alone the start of December
And Halloween is yet to pass
I’ll be so glad when that is past
But I am longing for Christmas
The time of turkeys and holly
Of gathering together to be jolly
Because it means a holiday
Not waking up early each day
So I am longing for Christmas
Even though it means essays
Writing and studying past ways
It also means I’ll be home again
With those who keep me sane
Those I love and who love me
We’ll all be together and be happy
I know I’m longing for Christmas
Because we view it as perfection
This myth of festive decoration
Collaboration and kindly zeal
Is what makes December appeal
But I believe it is what we make it
To unite or even separate us in it
So still I am longing for Christmas
To see lines of children with a brown
Towel on their head and a dressing gown
Pretending to be shepherds or wise men
Or angels or the star over Bethlehem
For the carols and hot mulled wine
For the candle-light’s gentle shine
Now I am longing for Christmas
For that glorious winter weather
For that time to wear a sweater
To curl up for warmth with each other
Bundled under blankets or whatever
For thick white snow if I wish hard enough
Or silver ice if the temperature drops enough
Nevertheless I am longing for Christmas
I don’t even care about gifts received
But do I need to get my ones to leave
Under the tree all decked out and bright
With tinsel and tiny sparkling string lights
I wonder what the colour theme will be
This year might be red and gold but let’s see
See that I am longing for Christmas
For all the sacred and special things we do
Those little rituals unique to every family group
Important for their message and meaning
Until love and kindness echo to the ceiling
The star atop the tree scrapes the rafters
Joined by paper snowflakes from the crafters
Thus I am longing for Christmas
That oh so special, wonderful, time of year.
Chapter 724: Me & Food
Chapter Text
Me and food won’t ever
Have a normal relationship.
There are times when
I can’t stop eating
For hours on end or days
Even if I’m stuffed and
Feel sick I can’t stop
Then there are the days
When I don’t care at all
I’m apathetic towards food
I eat like a robot at
Scheduled times throughout
A day because I know
That I need to eat something
I just don’t want to or feel
Like I don’t need to
I manage to drink enough
Lately anyway I’ve been trying
But it’s like a reflex
Not a conscious action
And I do it because I should
Chapter 725: Reality Is Illusion
Chapter Text
My brain has this strange ability
To hold multiple realities
Not just have them exist
In parallel side by side
But to accept them all
As truth and not as lies
It’s starting to worry me
It’s getting harder and harder
To tell what is real and
What is just inside my head
I make up stories so real
They hurt me and I cry
And I wonder why
They haven’t happened yet
I manipulate past events
Both of my own life and of history’s
I plot and plan out a million
Possible paths my life could go
I walk every road each night
And wake to take the first step
They are all real to me
Dreams and fantasy combine
With reality to make something
Strangely sublime and powerful
My memories filled with gaps
And extra additions alike
Until I cannot distinguish
What really happened
And I can recreate a scene
Picture perfect with my eyes closed
Playback entire conversations
That could not have taken place
But also ones that did
I replay moments in time
I can pause them and freeze
The faces across from mine
Study them from every angle
To analyse every inch
Of emotion showing yet
I arrive at different conclusions
Almost every time
'They hate me' or
'They love me' or
'They want to get away'
And each time I rewrite
The script my lines change
In response to their face
'I hate them' or 'I love them'
I can’t make up my mind
The reality of my emotions
Is as slippery as black ice
I just don’t know where
My brain has left unaltered
It’s always meddling
With everything I touch
There’s a hint of farce
As if my very senses can
Be faked and interrupted
I feel things on my skin
When I know there’s nothing there
I hear sounds I shouldn’t
Be able to if I wasn’t there
I see more light than others
See more detail in a fallen leaf
See more beauty than
I think I’ve any right to
And I never get any relief
So my mind creates its fantasies
Tells me stories to soothe my soul
Whispers that I’m courageous
Just in a different version
Of this universe or this world as a whole
The pages turn so quickly
I’m left reeling and dizzy
With faded delight at my successes
Or weeping for wounds
I haven’t ever felt
Images play faster than sound
They flicker across my vision
Like an old camera reel
And I cannot tell where
They have been corrupted
When the light was allowed
To fall upon their sheen
So I gather them all up
Bundled into a mental library
Which I can peruse
When I’m awake or asleep
If all I know are stories
How am I to tell which
Are biographies or
Auto-biographic or
Pure fiction and fantasy
Because the best lies
Always carry a fragment
Of truth and certainty
So I know without doubt
One simple truth about
My existence and is it this:
“You can ask reality if it’s reality
But you can’t ask illusion if it’s illusion”
Because one will lie and
One will tell you honestly
But if you don’t know
Which is which then
You are stuck believing
Reality is illusion and that
Illusion is reality
Chapter 726: It's Going To Be One Of Those Nights
Chapter Text
I put down my book with a sigh
And stare up at the ceiling
The hour is late and I am tired
But my thoughts still race
Without pause or ceasing
I whisper to myself and the shadows
"It's going to be one of those nights"
As if my awareness is a consolation
Acceptance is bittersweet...
I know how the next few hours will pass
Full of restless motion forcing tired
Limbs heavy with exhaustion to roam
Listening to music so loud it hurts my ears
Just to try to drown out all my fears
Wishing for rain to patter on the window
Wishing for cold and ice and numbness
Wishing for so many things I shouldn't
Want nor crave as badly as I do tonight
But there is nothing I can do for now
Except wait out the storm that's raging
From inside this crumbling tower
Use all the tricks and hacks I've learnt
And spend every second fighting
I will make it until the morning dawns
Just as I have before and will again
My realisation was of the price to be paid
Survival requires a sacrifice this night
When tomorrow arrives I'll be even more tired
But losing sleep will be worth living on...
At least that's what I tell myself silently
As the dark drags on and my thoughts don't stop
And all I truly want is for some peaceful rest
Chapter 727: I'm Still In Control?
Chapter Text
Things haven't gone wrong yet
I'm merely walking near a clifftop
Instead of dancing along it's edge
Pretending I don't care if I slipped
Chapter 728: What A Tale To Tell
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
What the fuck!?
What? What's wrong!? Why are you looking at me like that?
Your face!?
What? Oh... Does it look that bad?
What happened?!
Huh?
Your face is all bruised, and your lip is split. What happened?!
Um. Nothing.
What do you mean, 'nothing'?
It's not a big deal.
What happened?
I just pissed off the wrong people, that's all.
That's all?!
Yeah…
Tell me what happened.
There's not much to tell… I was out enjoying the snow, late last Saturday afternoon; and a group of guys.. Well, they took offence.
How?
Um. I provoked them?
How did you provoke them?
Well, I must have - even idiots don't just start hitting someone for no reason...
So you think there was a reason?
Well. I was stimming... Spinning around, dancing I guess. And singing and humming to myself.
What?
I was enjoying the snow falling!
Yes, I get that - but how did that provoke them?
I thought I was out of the way. I was behind the hedge – I didn't think anyone would see me!
But someone did.
Yes.
I didn't notice them until it was too late. I was too lost in my own world...
What did they do?
Well, at first they were just laughing; you know, jeering and stuff. Then they started calling out, yelling things at me. Not very nice words either... There's several I won't repeat but the general idea was insulting my mental capacity.
Okay...
But then they came closer. I should have got away then, but I didn't realise quick enough - and by then they had surrounded me.
What happened then?
I didn't see the first punch coming. I was too busy trying to find a way out. It caught me across my cheek luckily, glanced off mostly.
But why did they hit you?
I'm not entirely sure. I think they were a little drunk? A lot of their words were slurred and I wasn't really paying attention to what they were saying anyway...
Alright, that's understandable.
But it was mostly some stuff about teaching me a lesson.
What?!
Yeah, I'm not sure. I don't know what they were trying to do - scare me? I'm pretty sure they muttered some stuff about being 'normal'...
Okay. And how many times did they hit you?
Why do you want to know that?
Because I do. Please. Just tell me.
Well, after the first couple of punches I got my arms up, blocking the worst and protecting my head.
Can I see your arms?
Err. If you want...
Fuck. They're black and blue!
Yeah, I know. They took the brunt of it.
How many times did they hit you?
Each? I lost count. But there was at least six of them, and by that point all around me, I couldn't dodge all the blows – they were coming from all directions, relentlessly, they just never stopped, for so long…
It's okay, it's okay. It's not your fault.
Well, I mean-
No, you listen to me: it is not your fault!
I know that those idiots share a significant portion of the blame, but that doesn't mean I'm not partly responsible too.
Hey, don't say that!
It's true! I should never have gotten so comfortable in an environment, out in the open like that. I let my guard down, stopped being aware of my surroundings - and I paid the price for it!
You were relaxed, being happy and comfortable. That is your right. They should never have disturbed your fun, let alone hurt you for how you chose to express yourself!!
But-
No. It's abhorrent!
I showed myself to be abnormal. They reacted accordingly.
How can you say that so casually!?
Because I know them, I know that type I mean. And I should have known better! I should have gone back inside when it started to get late. I should have run as soon as I heard them... I used to be better at this, better at escaping and avoiding conflict of this kind.
Has this happened before?
No! Well, not really. Not for years and never this violently before...
What do you mean? Not as violent how?
Most of it was just schoolyard stuff. Bullying and teasing that could turn nasty at the slightest prompting... So I simply learned to watch what I did and said; around everyone, just to be safe.
You shouldn't have had to do that. Didn't your teachers do anything about it?
Why should they? They were teaching me to behave more normally. That's what they wanted too. It was easier for them to let the other kids do the hard work for them.
Well you sound very bitter about it.
Do I? Fine. I don't care anymore. It's not worth it.
And what about Saturday – do you care about that?
Not really. It's not a big deal - nothing's broken.
Only bruised!!
Exactly. I'll heal, it's fine.
Do you think you deserved it?
What?
Do you think you deserved it - to be attacked by them?
I think that I was stupid to let my guard down. And selfish for going out there in the first place…
You wanted to enjoy the snow, that's not a crime!
Yes, but talking to yourself is! Humming to yourself is! Dancing alone in the falling snow is as good as a crime!
You don't really believe that, do you? Do you?
I believe it might as well be true for how others' treat me.
And don't you think you are worth more? Hey, look at me. Whether you believe me or not, let me tell you that you are. You didn't deserve this - in fact, you deserve so much better! You deserve the university and the police finding the perpetrators for a start!
I didn't report it.
Well we can do that in a bit. Together, if you like.
I don't- Never mind…
Don't what? Please talk to me.
I don't deserve your help.
What.
Why do you care so much?! Why do you give a shit that they hit me for being me? And why do you want to help me? I'm not worth it.
You're not worth it? What are you talking about?
I'm not worthy of this affection! I'm not worth your time, your energy and attention!
Yes, you are!
Why?! How can I be?! I do nothing but cause trouble and cause problems and make work for you. You must be so exhausted with me – I bet you can't wait to see the back of me.
Hey, don't put words in my mouth. That's just not true! I want to help you because I care about you; and whether you believe me or not, I care about you because you are a wonderful person. Funny and kind, clever and interesting. I like you and I want you to be happy, to be able to feel happy without getting beaten up for it!!
You're right. I don't believe you. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I think that at worst you're lying to me and at best you're lying to yourself.
I wish you'd believe me. I wish-
That doesn't matter right now. What do you want me to do?
About? Oh, well first of all do you need any pain killers? That black eye looks painful.
Nah, I had some Paracetamol this morning – it's not too bad.
Meaning you're in agony but don't want to be a burden?
Hey!
Sorry, too on the nose?
Yeah.
Okay… Look, I have some Paracetamol in my desk if you want some. Would you like some?
No, thank you.
Very well, suit yourself.
What next?
Can we inform the university accommodation team please?
Why? What would that gain?
An official report and record, for starters.
Okay?
And then they would start an investigation and likely involve the police.
The police! Why?
Because there's been an assault?
Assault? Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration? It was only a few hits, by a couple of drunks.
Your face alone disagrees. Do I have to mention the state of your arms?
No.
Which reminds me, are you sure there's only bruises? Nothing's broken is it?
No, I can move all my fingers and everything. It all is working fine, it's just a bit sore. I'm not a complete idiot, if I thought something was broken or seriously injured I would have said something...
I never said you were an idiot.
I know.
And I never thought it either.
If you say so.
It pains me that you don't believe me when I say things like that to you.
Look, let's not get into that again.
Fine.
If you want to file a report with the uni, fine go ahead. I can't stop you - this probably falls under required reporting anyway, or close enough to it to allow for a loophole.
I won't do anything without your permission.
Yeah right. I've heard that before.
What?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap, I'm just tired.
And in pain.
Please don't.
Please learn that you have people who care about you! Who hate to see you hurt and in pain! Who want to help if only you'll let us!
I-
Why are you crying? I'm sorry, was it something I said?
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I want so much to believe you, I really do... But I know that tonight, or the next night, or in three months’ time, I'm going to be lying in the dark trying to sleep and all I can think of is all this guilt that I wasted your precious time.
Has it ever occurred to you that it's my time to give away?
Yes. I suppose it has. But I also know how many times I've been accused of demanding more than people were willing to give, usually never when I realised I was doing so... I don't want to use you, you're a human being.
So are you!! A human being – allowed to make mistakes and suffer miscommunications. And with a right to have your needs met and safety assured.
Yeah, because everybody in this world has all their needs met and none of their human rights infringed upon.
Don't joke.
I'm not.
Look I'm sorry for how people have treated you in the past. I'm sorry if it seems like I've ever treated you like that, if ever I did then I swear that I didn't mean to... But right here, right now, I am asking you to trust me - trust what I am saying and that I want to help you, that I am trying to help you. Alright?
Alright. But it's not so easy to just ignore a lifetime of learned behaviour, conditioned responses and survival instincts... You understand that, right?
I don't think I can ever understand what you've experienced, what your life has been like – but yeah, I get what you mean.
Thank you. I know those words aren't enough, but thank you.
You don't have to thank me; I should be apologising to you.
Why? Why would you be apologising, you haven't done anything wrong?
Because I feel I should be apologising on behalf of humanity, for this society and for this university who have all failed you so greatly...
Uh, okay.
What those boys did, it sickens me – you have to know that?
For the violence?
Yes. But also for their reasons.
I don't know why they did it. Not really...
That’s exactly my point! You do know that you didn't do anything wrong, right? Nothing you did could possibly justify such a reaction from them – and don't say that you were stimming or humming or whatever, we both should know that is not worthy of the beating you received!
Don't say that.
I am so sorry for what they did to you.
Why? You're not responsible for their actions.
Neither are you.
Well...
No. You are no more culpable than me. Alright?
Alright.
And I'm sorry on my own behalf too.
Why!? Whatever for?
Because for whatever reason, you didn't feel comfortable enough to reach out to me or any of us that this had happened... Saturday was days ago!
It was the weekend!
Yesterday wasn’t!
I know. I know… I was just… Ashamed.
You really thought you deserved it, didn't you?
Yeah.
Oh we have seriously fucked up somewhere. At whatever point that you felt you deserved getting beaten purple for being yourself... And too ashamed to share that someone had hurt you. You don't believe the things they said about you, do you?
No. Not really… But I know that they believe them, believed them – I don't know.
You're not any of those things.
You don't even know what they said!
Unfortunately I can imagine. And you are not that. You are smart and quick-witted; you are knowledgeable and verbose.
And that's a good thing!? You ask those same guys if that's a good thing, and I bet you they'll show equal scorn and distaste!
Perhaps. But that still doesn't make it true. I like you, and so many in this department like you, for who you are – when you let us glimpse you under all your masks and careful pretences... We value you, for who you are. Flaws, sarcastic comments, shockingly low self-worth and all.
I don't know what to say... Thank you.
You've already said that.
And I'll say it every day until I die because I cannot thank you enough.
If you insist? But seriously, you don't need to thank me. I'm just doing what any decent person would do - hopefully - showing a little kindness and compassion to a friend in need.
We're friends?
What? Of course we're friends!
Well don't say it like it's obvious! I don't have much experience with friends.
We are friends. And as your friend, please can I send an email to the accommodation team?
I still don't see the point.
Could you do it for me then? Instead of all those thank yous?
Ha. Alright. But only because I trust you.
You trust me?
Of course. I know I don't always act like it... But I wouldn't have told you the whole tale otherwise.
And what a tale you told.
What a tale indeed.
Notes:
Why do you still think you deserve it?
Because I went out there, knowing how late it was, knowing it was dark and that every always tells me not to... I went anyway.
You wanted to enjoy the snow - that isn't wrong to want that!
But that's only part of it!!
What do you mean?
Some call it second-hand suicide...
What!?
I don't think that's what it was though. It was more like... Second-hand self-harm.
What are you talking about?
I went out there, fully aware of the risks... And when I heard those guys coming, I didn't run.
Okay. Why exactly?
Because... I guess I wanted them to do what they did.
That still doesn't make it your fault.
Just let me finish! Please.
Alright, I'm sorry.
I wanted someone, anyone really, to hurt me. To punish me for dancing in the snow, for being weird like I know I am - to teach me the same lesson that so many before them had tried to teach me, through a variety of ways...
Even if you 'wanted it' as you say, they are still responsible for their actions...
I know that. But I still feel guilty, it's like I entrapped them or something.
They chose to do that to you.
Because I let them, because I prompted them too.
They still should never have laid a finger on you!!
Even if I was glad?
What?
Even if I was glad, when the first punch landed - I was smiling...
Chapter 729: In The Darkness
Chapter Text
Sometimes a torch
Doesn't help you
To see in the dark
It can ruin your
Natural night vision
Make everything
Beyond the beam
Seem darker than
Ever before and yet
If you go without
You'll learn to see
Every pinprick and
Spark out there
Among the shadows
And maybe you'll
Succeed in walking
The narrow path
With your own senses
Guiding you and not
Some disguised aid
Shackling your hand
Chapter 730: What I'm Capable Of
Chapter Text
You have no idea what I'm capable of
But then unfortunately neither really do I
Because I keep managing to suprise myself
With new levels of savagery and harm
One day I think I've finally reached my limit
The next I race past the freshly drawn lines
Bounding into previously unknown experiences
Which hurt and scar my mind, heart and arms
Chapter 731: The Minefield Diet
Chapter Text
My main problem
On the day to day
Is food and eating
Trying to manage
Consuming food
The right amount
Or the right stuff
At the right times
Throughout a day
Trying to balance
Wanting to eat and
Not wanting to eat
With knowing that
I should be eating
And knowing that
I shouldn't be now
It's a minefield; or
A permanent tight
Rope walk where
Either side of the
Drop is stomach
Cramps and vomiting
And nausea enough
To make me want
To die or something
There is so much
I have to juggle daily
Like hours spent in
Hyperfocus when I
Forget to move or
Drink let alone eat
Then there's all
The sensory issues
Over how certain
Foods taste, look,
Smell or feel in my
Mouth and all the
Effort it can take
To prepare food
There's the burnouts
When I can barely
Get up out of bed
And can spend days
Eating the minimum
Days when everything
Tastes like cardboard
And I do not care: see
I am apathetic to food
Unless is pleases some
Loose connection in
My weirdly wired brain
Soothes some part of
Me that's crying out
For sensory input so
I give it frozen things
Soft sweet buttery
Things or chocolate
And I can never escape
That little voice in my
Head that's been there
Growing like a fungus
Since I was a little girl
Whispering that some
Foods I eat too much
Some foods are bad
And super unhealthy
And girls need to be
Pretty and slim so then
I feel guilty about it all
For starving or binging
Or simply responding
To a sensory itch with
With sweet things for
Once instead of sharp
And some part of me
Knows that I know my
Self better than society's
Fake empty expectations
Ever will because I know
That no part of me will
Ever fulfill those messed
Up expectations wholly
So I'll keep juggling on
My tightrope and trying
Not to starve or binge
To stay afloat in these
Rough waters; to remember
To eat when my body
Or brain loses the memo
Chapter 732: A Vision Of Solidarity
Chapter Text
I'm not going to stand here
And pretend that it has all
Been smooth sailing to now
Like there haven't been more
Stormy nights and misty days
Than I could ever try to count
Or like I haven't had to fight to
Breathe and speak and write
But I am still standing here and
I have to admit that the trials
Don't outweigh the triumphs
That joy can't obscure the pain
But that the reverse is also true
Regardless and that my rainbows
Shine in the rainstorm's heart
I know that I will not surrender to
Those shadows that still haunt me
Though I hear their whisperings
I have my faults and flaws which
Trip me up and lead to errors
But past mistakes I will forgive
And try to remember to reach
Out wide with kind hands open
Because I comprehend fully
That even in my darkness times
When my hand before my eyes
Was nothing but shades of
Black and thought myself alone
Beside me in the nothingness
Were countless others all alike
To me and to one another all
Struggling isolated with our
Fear and failures crowing loud
Some part of me took hold of
All their outstretched palms
And gripping in desperation
Each others' clawing fingers
We dragged ourselves forward
Out into the light of a dawn
Only to look about in the sun's
Blinking brilliance and see
Nothing but empty footprints
Leading all away from me
Chapter 733: Not All Men
Chapter Text
My thoughts on this concept
That ‘not all men’ are the ones
Causing problems that no one
Should ever have to deal with
Are complex to say the least
Mainly because it is the reverse
Of the statement which I question
That is it ‘all women’ who suffer
From just ‘some’ of men’s actions
See my problem is that if I say
The only time I was ever taken
Advantage of was by a girl when
I was only a young girl myself
Then right there I am disproving
This assertion about ‘all women’
And then there’s the whole debate
Though I don’t want to mistakenly
Summon Rowling into this mess
Of what is a ‘woman’ defined as
Say a trans man who once was
Catcalled is his experience still
Valid and duh of course it is!
Or I would imagine for a trans
Woman to be catcalled could
Be a twisted validation of her
Femininity but correct me if not
Then there’s the nonbinaries
Who loathe to be gendered
And let’s all agree that catcalling
Is a very gendering game to play
But of course catcalling is only
A small portion of what is being
Fought against right now across
A global stage and online platforms
Yet what I know most of SA that
I haven’t learnt recently on my
Crash course courtesy of TikTok
Has been from fanfiction where
Non-con is either fun and kinky
Or an angsty tragedy performed
For plot and a trauma backstory
And here again my perception
Is warped because fanfiction is
Not reality and instead represents
Often the ideal in terms of healing
Support and recovery so that
All the stories I’ve ever read
Featuring such an instance of
Extreme character development
All end with acceptance and
Closure with the help of some
Good friends or wacky coping
Mechanisms or ‘inner strength’
And that changes the game
Defangs the dragon somehow
If SA is so easy to move on from
The consequences so minute
In the long-run then what’s the
Source of all this fear you tell me of
Because if I am afraid of a man
It’s because he is loud and has
A tiny pea-sized brain that does
Not match his huge arms and trunk
He is intimidating for his volume
Not because I fear he will whistle or
Hold me up against a wall in an alley
But then maybe my experiences are
Unique in that respect which I can
Understand I guess because I am
Much more likely to be fearful of
A woman caked in makeup and
Wearing as little as you can imagine
Because all my life such women
Have mocked and bullied me with
All their sexuality for my lack of it
And if I saw a woman walking down
The street showing ‘too much skin’
I would be shocked and scandalised
And might complain inside my head
That I don’t want to be seeing that
But then again if a man strolled
Half-naked along the road I would
Have the exact same reaction though
I have to stop and wonder if I think
She would be more likely to come
To harm because of what she wore
I respect a person’s right to choose
To wear garish colours or a thong
But really I just don’t want to witness
The evidence and flaunting of choice
Probably because it makes me feel
Invalid for my limited options somehow
So you can sing and chant and holler
That it doesn’t matter if it’s ‘not all men’
Because it’s enough of them to be
A problem we should all care about
But please don’t try to tell me bravely
That all ‘women’ share these feelings
Of craving safety on darkened streets
I should imagine that all people on
This earth would like to feel safe all of
The time but I argue humbly here
And knowing that my perspective is
Perhaps unique to me I suggest that
In fact fear is a universal symphony
Chapter 734: Where Eagles Dare
Chapter Text
I have always liked to believe
That I am cleverer than I am
For intelligence I have always
Valued more than anything
In others I meet and in myself
I wonder if it is because all other
Doors seemed closed and it
Was clear that I could never be
One of the bubble-headed 'pretty'
Ones using their wiles to succeed
I knew from a young age that
Bravery was for idiots and those
Who thought themselves unafraid
Of fear itself the morons all of them
That was never going to be me
Friendships are nothing but lies
Full of rules constantly broken
A sword hanging above your neck
Waiting to hurt and break you
Who would long for that daily
So here I am left with with eagles
Watching with sharp eyes and
A mind sharpened into talons to
Protect myself and those that
Foolishly matter in some way
Here I am waiting and wondering
What exactly made me this way
My brain is at fault to some degree
But I'd like to blame the people
Who surrounded me at least partly
Chapter 735: Body Parts On Strike
Chapter Text
My stomach has gone on strike
Well no, that's not quite right
The nerves connecting my stomach
To my brain have gone on strike
"We're not going to tell you
What stomach wants" they say
Which leave me guessing and
I almost always guess wrong
See normally - and by that
I mean, I used to - just not eat
That solves the dilemma and
I honestly get more done when
I haven't just eaten and everything
Is trying to digest which is just
So distracting and uncomfortable
I know that I should eat something
So I try just a few bites of some
Tasty snack and then I wonder
Was that enough or would
A few more mouthfuls be good
Then it's two hours later and
I'm feeling stuffed and sick
Just wishing it will go down quick
And don't even get my started
On water and trying to drink
For starters I hate the way that
Plain tap water tastes it makes
Me gag and retch so I flavour it
But then I'm never quite sure
If I'm glugging it down so fast
Because I'm thirsty or because
I like how the liquid feels in my
Mouth and throat but then
The next minute I'm bloated
And feel like I'm 90% liquid
So I chew gum and hope that
It will stimulate the digestion
Until I'm paranoid that the
Tension in my stomach is from
Too much acid and emptiness
Because I cannot tell if I am
Hungry or well or sick or full
My nerves are on strike today
Chapter 736: Birthday Politeness
Chapter Text
My birthday makes me uncomfortable
Not for the mark of time passing by
Although the awareness of it is dizzying
But for all the polite attention it brings
People focus on me in the crowded room
Talk to me the most and seek me out first
But it feels so hollow and performed
Too wrapped up in social convention
To be valid and put value on their words
They pretend that they care and even
If they actually really do, it all possesses
This veneer of falseness whenever this
Show of caring of their is associated
With my day of birth and its celebrations
Chapter 737: Every Day's A Learning Day
Chapter Text
Every day I learn a little more
About my brain's strangeness
Each day that passes I uncover
One more secret of its working
Understand one little bit more
Of its unspoken inner whirrings
I learn to accept and move on
To adapt and adjust the cogs
I remember to have a full bottle
Of water on hand nearby so
That I drink sometime but am
Still careful not to glug it until
I am sick as can happen too
Or I discover that taking breaks
In the middle of washing up
Helps me to recover from all the
Sensory icks to get the job done
I am still learning to forgive
Myself for eating rubbish or
Only using a microwave to cook
Just so that I at least eat at all
I am practicing on forgiving
My shutdowns and panic attacks
When everything gets too much
To not feel guilty when others
Try to help and spend their
Precious time and energy on me
The guilt is harder to battle than
The self-loathing I have found
Each day I look back and reflect
Note all the new tricks or old
Remodelled habits I've picked up
Every scrap and shred is hope
It's like I'm in one of those silly
Escape rooms with a million doors
To unlock with a million puzzles
And every puzzle solved gets
Me closer to that mythical day
When the last door is opened
And I am free as can be but
Every time I turn a key and let
An answered problem swing open
Fifty more standing waiting
And spring eagerly to attention
I gaze back at the path behind me
And I must acknowledge how far
I've come with every step taking
Me closer to a moment when
Perhaps I can be in control and
At peace with all that I am or was
Or can be one day not soon
But eventually the fighting will
Be over and then I can breathe
Chapter 738: An Ode To Frozen Cherries
Chapter Text
Frozen cherries! Oh,
What a delectable treat!
They are the finest of
All the frozen fruit
Tangy but still sweet
Not bitter or sour like
Currants or blackberries
Large enough to sit
Comfortably in the mouth
And be rolled around
Covered with a silky skin
That melts and tears away
To offer up like a golden thing
The juicy central mass
Its texture dissolves
On the curling tongue
Like a smoothie
Becoming liquid
Sweet and fresh and cold
Chilling enough to need
Blankets to be worn
But worth it for the
Shiver down the spine
Their coldness soothes
The throat and calms
The aching fires
Of a roiling stomach
They are like manna from heaven
Or golden apples from the tree
They are perfect
And wonderful
Beautiful to me
Chapter 739: Captain Fear
Chapter Text
I didn't realise how scared I was
The constant undercurrent of fear
Living my life hand in hand with it
Never questioning why it was there
I know that I am always pondering
The worst outcomes that are possible
But I just thought that was anxiety
And standard or usual to be afraid
If you spend all your time thinking
What will go wrong and are highly
Aware of all that could go terribly
You end up scared, I end up scared
Too scared to try the scary things
Even the things that to most are not
Like going places on my own or
Travelling on public transport alone
These terrify me because I know
Exactly what could happen if things
Go south but not because they have
Before but because I think they might
I'd rather stay locked inside my room
Than venture out to see the world
I convince myself that it's all fine
That the world isn't that interesting
Anyway and I don't even want to go
But fear is what is whispering that
And I don't know if I should believe it
Even at home I realise that I rarely
Feel safe and relaxed as some part
Of my brain is always considering
The likelihood of the storm blowing
Down that tree on top of me as I sleep
Or how fast a fire might spread here
And though I shy away from trying
To contemplate fixing this mess of
My brain to stop it from always
Worrying and making me worried
About the darker timelines and
Possible routes my life could take
Since I already confuse reality with
My mind's less than cheerful creations
But it's times like this that I discover
That I can do more than I thought
With help of good people I can go
Out into town and be in a crowd
Watching silly Christmas lights
Be turned on in mid November or
Sit in a noisy pub and not scream
But were these achievements just
A rarity and fluke almost or can
I try to be more than my fear and
Try to do more of what scares me?
I don't know if I will, habit has its
Hold on me and I am so used to
Hiding and pretending the world
Isn't there that it's hard to imagine
Breaking out and going wild but
All I'm suggesting is saying yes more
Whenever other people invite me
A rarity of its own that I won't discuss
And to not let the fear guide me
I'll still listen to it, I think I always will
But I'll try, really try, not to let it
Be in charge of me and run my life
We'll see, in a few months when
I look back at this and read these
Words meant in earnest and written
With muted pride and anxious
Tremblings, read of my conviction
And see if I've managed to be free
Chapter 740: In Death We Live
Chapter Text
Are we only remembered in death
Named by a headstone or an urn
By the tributes others make on
Their social media feeds or if
We're lucky in a book summarising
Our life as written by another
So often in archaeology all that is left
Of a person, of a life, is their bones
Their skeleton or a skeleton of a life
Sketched into pages as old or
Pale imitations more recently scribed
Carved into stone blocks same as us
Their name and dates of beginning
And ending but always scored
By another's hand and ordered
By yet another's - and those are
The lucky ones, the ones whose
Names and deeds thought worthy
Of note by others that we know
So many go unnoticed, unwritten
Unnamed and silent in the dirt
Trodden on by thousands of later
Feet following where they stepped
What makes us more than ashes
Floating on the wind that whistles
Past the ears of the unhearing
Of the mute or blind who will not
Tell our stories or tell of our minds
Tell them who we were in the years
That are to come, what will they
Call us when we are gone and dead
What names will they whisper quiet
Under their breaths or behind hands
To one another where they stand
Above the dirt breathing in the air
That others before us breathed
Once too with gasps that shout
Their deaths so young and old
We must consider and not forget
How many have come before us
Yet how many do we regret or
Sympathise with or truly know
How many people like buried
Beneath the silence of history's
Cold passages and blank pages
The word unwritten or wiped out
Scribbled down hastily in the dark
Can we shine a light and see
Who they were those who made
You and me and made this world
What we make of it every day
Sometimes I think we are only
Alive when we are dead and
Only then do are stories become
Myth and legend and can live on
Chapter 741: Dark Thinking
Chapter Text
Every time I stop
Every time I lift
My eyes from the
Page of my book
Or pause the movie
I am watching
Every time all the
Distractions cease
My thoughts drift
Darkly downwards
Whispering of hate
Loathing and disgust
Murmuring guilt
Sorrow and regret
The thoughts don't
Relent even when
I push them away
With a sigh as all
To show my tired
Acknowledgment
I greet them cordially
But do not dare
Linger with them
In the shadows on
The edge of a deep
Dangerous abyss
I strive for the light
For joy and laughter
Even as my soul
Aches and feels so
Heavy in my chest
I blink and breathe
And the angry
Mutterings pause
Briefly and so
Hastily I press play
On the music or
The movie or
Reread the same
Line of my book
Three times again
Anything to drag
Away my brain
From that quiet
Spiralling of pain
The sheer hatred
For myself that
Wells up like a
Poisoned spring
I cannot dam it
Cannot drink it
And survive but
No plug or tonic
Can ever stop
Or cleanse it
It dwells in me
Leaking out into
My life and dreams
Seeping into my
Activities and my
Relaxing moments
I want to weep for
All I cannot be
For all I have lost
Or missed entirely
But I am here
And the bitter
Voice is quieting
I shall return to
The novel I am
Only a scant few
Chapters away
From finishing
And pray that
When the pages
Stop turning
Sleep will be there
Softly waiting
Chapter 742: I Shouldn't Complain
Chapter Text
I shouldn’t complain
When I have to struggle
Through a bad day or week
I can handle it, I must
Because there was a time
When all I would get
Was one good day out of
What felt like a hundred
Or a rare good week before
It all came crashing down
Once more, a time in my
Life so dark it felt as if the
Sun wasn’t real, like a lie
So I shouldn’t complain
I shouldn’t complain
When the scars fade
Those marks cruelling
And hatefully given
To my flesh and soul
When time gifts me
With smooth skin
Unrippled, undisturbed
By torn tissue patched
Together again to
Leave whisper thing
Lines of grey and white
That glisten in the light
They are almost all
Gone now, only a few
Are still visible - and then
Only to me who knows
Them so intimately -
To the world they are
No more even though
I can never, will never
Forget their existence
So I shouldn’t complain
I shouldn’t complain
When people tell me
That they care about me
When they declare
Friendship between
Me and them with
Confident words and
Hearty gestures that
Are so difficult to repel
And often so easy to
Misunderstand, the
Love I don’t know
What to do with
How to process and
Understand their
Affection and care
The whys blur into
Questions of how
And it all becomes so
Muddled in my head
The priceless gift of
Their attention and
Their energy spent
Seemingly willingly
On me is a puzzle I can
Never seem to solve
But I shouldn’t complain
Chapter 743: Heavy Feeling
Chapter Text
I feel something in me recoil
Pull away and tuck into itself
Curl up in a ball with spikes
All facing outwards in protection
Of the centre, of the heart of me
Out of fear for feeling more
Than my timid soul can bear
For fear of experiencing and
Worse for admitting to all that
I carry inside my heart of hearts
I shy away from it out of habit
Practice makes perfect in the
Art of pretend and pretense
I act uncaring and play the part
Of unruffled unheeding one
To perfection if I might say so
But it is just a role, necessary
To hide my insecurities and
Weaknesses - the chinks in my
Armour of emotional strength
Those raw moments of fragility
Cripple me and bring me back
To a time when all I had was
Vulnerability like a snake without
Its venom or a cat without its
Claws or a tortoise without its
Precious shell that protects
I am laid bare and made afraid
By the intensity of my feelings
Which I know not how to handle
What to do with them to make
Them stay or go, yield or sunder
Fight and fight and empower
I play a game in the shallows
Imagining the deeper waters
Where much danger swims and
Shadows lurk do not even exist
I play and splash in pretended
Serenity and lighthearted joy
Dancing with the pale imitations
Of my emotions, like waving
To a reflection not the reality
And I dare not turn to face all
That makes me heart beat fast
And my limbs tremor and quake
It's as if my very soul, so frightened
Within my trembling mortal body
Rejects all mention of depth
As a concept it cannot deal with
And so to me must be as illusive
As the sun on a cloudy day
Chapter 744: Alone
Chapter Text
There aren’t many people
That I can actually talk to
Sure there are those people
I see around every so often
And I tell them some fact
I learned recently or whatever
There are those I spend time
With in class who might call
Me ‘friend’ but I might not
Even those I tend to spill
Out my heart and soul to
Have a required distance
There is a necessary wall
Between my soul and theirs
And when it all wells up
Inside of my brain and
I can’t think straight for
All the chaos I am feeling
And I just want to talk about
Everything and anything
But there is no one there
No one I can turn to and
Be open and honest with
Not even myself most of
The time and the realisation
That I am so alone with it all
Makes me ponder and muse
If there are many who would
Notice if I was not here anymore
Chapter 745: Shadows Hunting
Chapter Text
There is a shadow at my shoulder
Lurking at my back, I catch glimpses
Of its darkness in my periphery
It stalks me like a lethal predator
I feel its claws slide above my ribs
Ripping through my shields and skin
Brutal, cold, heartless and unforgiving
I can hear the hiss and snarl of it
Echoing in my ears and in my mind
Its footsteps copy mine and match
Each trembling step for certain tread
I realise it has followed me for years
More of my life than I can believe
Watching and waiting like a hunter
Taking its time to play with its prey
Weakening me through small strikes
Little more than bloodletting at
Midnight and those similar dark hours
I am helpless while I do not see it
Its teeth hover above my throat
Ready and capable of making the kill
I do not know what has stayed its hand
Kept me breathing for so long now
I am not so naive and blind to think
It was my own inner strength which
Has protected me in all those moments
When I was so afraid and vulnerable
So easy to take and bleed and hurt
To brutalise with words and memories
Until death was the sweetest choice
Was there a guardian angel there?
Also at my shoulder but still unseen
Have they been my saviour fighting
On my behalf against the darkness
When I couldn't speak or breathe
Is there a reason I have always
Been so scared to leave my back
Exposed to the open room and
Preferred to have solid wall pressed
Against the curve of my shaking spine
Is the fear a gift of wisdom then?
To warn and whisper of the dangers
Or is it the poison sown by the
Shadows in my mind already too
Full of shadows to sense the intruder
Chapter 746: Thoughts of Isolation
Chapter Text
And that is precisely why
I stay away, from those I fear
Care for me as much as
I fear hurting them for it
So I flee and guard my words
Not letting myself draw near
To run to them as I long to
I am being so much kinder
So much more lenient with
Myself and all my faults
This season of darkness
Brings trials and exhaustion
But I am weathering it this time
And forgiving as much as
I can allow, those errors which
I cannot help but often make
I have many reasons to hate
Myself - don't you worry that
And I have to remind myself
Daily is necessary or as often
As it takes to remember that
I am not asking for the world
I have never requested that
Heaven and earth move for
My request nor benefit and
I do not beg for the stars to
Shift in the place to my aid
All I ever wanted was to be
Told and be shown that this
World was worth the pain
Worth struggle and despair
And for someone to say to
Me that heaven is not where
I should be, at least not yet
Chapter 747: I Know How Time Works
Chapter Text
I know how time works, they can’t fool me
You will all forget me if given the chance
Memories of me will fade away to mist
My blood will be ashes, my bones be dust
I know how time works its magic on it all
Including and especially the grieving heart
I will become lost among the past days
Gone from the now and your embrace
That is what I want anyway, I know it will be
I know you will forget me and the hurt
Will forever be momentary and brief
Let time wash away your memories and
Move on, forget, live without my burdening
I know how
Time works
Its magic
On the mind
Its whispers
Painting over
Memories of
Dark and light
You will forget
Me when you’re
Given the chance
To be released
I will become
Ashes and misty
Pictures in your
Mind half-forgotten
Content to be so
Please move on
And be alright
Chapter 748: The Importance Of Punctuation
Chapter Text
Miss me?
Is an innocent
And sweet inquiry
To a friend not
Seen in a while
Sent by text.
Miss me.
Is an ominous
Statement that
Can scare them
Witless for what
It might mean.
Chapter 749: Living Stressed
Chapter Text
Do you know how terrified I am of fucking up?!
Because I, and everyone else it seems, know
That I can do this which only means that then
If something goes wrong, if this goes badly
Then it is no one's fault but my useless own!
And I am so scared of letting you all down...
Chapter 750: So Many Poems
Summary:
750th poem!!
Chapter Text
Do you realise just how
Many poems I've written?
To publish them all in
Books would take up
Several trees and more
Organisational skills
Than I even possess!
Could you take a guess?
It's so many that the
Scroll bar gives up...
I can't remember all
Of their names and
At least half of their
Diverse topics I forget.
Sometimes I play a game
Where I use a random
Number generator to
Select one to read and
Remember all I was
Feeling and thinking then.
I've been writing them
For so long now, I almost
Forget what it was like
Before I had this outlet.
My teenage years would
Almost certainly have
Ended abruptly without
These poems spewing
Forth from that confused
Developibg young brain.
The oldest date to years
And years ago now.
They come in waves
Several close together
One after the other
And then none for
A few months or so.
Especially if I'm stressed
Or dealing with some
Dramatic tense event.
I use them to vent
To process things
To muse through
All that I'm thinking
To name my emotions
Organise them and
Let them go somehow.
I use them to forget
And move on too.
To learn how to be
Angry and hurt and
How to forgive as well.
They are my heart
Given form and my
Brain made into text.
If anyone could face
Reading all of them
All those hundreds -
That's no exaggeration -
With all my highs and
Lows spelled out and
Hinted at, so many
Dark moments kept
Securely locked away
Behind bars of verse.
If anyone could ever
Manage to read them
All - all, entire, whole -
With as much openness
And brutal honesty
That I use to share them.
If someone could read
My soul in these words
Then they would know
Me, better even than me.
Chapter 751: Adaptation
Chapter Text
I used to use hand dryers.
You know, the ones in public
Bathrooms that blow hot air?
I know that I used to use them
And think nothing of it, because
Everyone did – didn’t they?
It wasn’t until the pandemic
That I ever even questioned it.
When every other headline
Was about how germs spread
So many people kept saying
About how unhygienic air
Dryers were – spewing germs
They sucked up, back onto
Your supposedly clean hands.
So I stopped using them, not that
I was going anywhere much nor
Was anyone else really, remember?
But after the panic and chaos
Had died down – poor choice
Of words there maybe – I found
That I couldn’t go back to using
Those hot noisy air dryers again.
The pressure of the air, which
Admittedly varies considerably
Between from model to model
Was too much to bear on my skin.
And then there’s the heat too.
This is all on top of the racket
They make! So so very loud! Now
I can barely stand to be in the room
Especially those tiled small toilets
With one of those shrieking away
No more than a metre from me.
So I adapted. Because I had to.
I couldn’t use them to dry my
Hands anymore, but of course
I still needed to wash my hands!
In the summer, I could shake
Them mostly dry and let the
Natural heat do the rest – often
Quite enjoying the cooling
Effect on my fingers as I did so.
But once autumn and winter
Came around it became too
Cold to bear having damp hands
Even just indoors, so I developed
A system that is slowly being
Formed into a steady habit now.
Before approaching the taps
I lift my jumper up a little to
Expose a portion of my t-shirt
Then I wash my hands as usual
And dry them on this corner
Of material, carefully folding
My jumper back down over
The slightly soggy section.
For a time I just used my jumper
But the colours would darken
Into blotchy patches that
Looked obvious and raised
Questions that made me nervous.
So I adapted. I switched to
Using my t-shirt, which needs
Preparation since trying to
Move the jumper out of the
Way when my hands were
Already wet just resulted
In even stranger marks.
The material dries pretty
Quickly, especially if I’m
Moving around a fair bit
Dried I suspect by my
Own body’s warmth – which
Is almost certainly more
Economic and environmentally
Friendly than those electric
Wastes of energy and heat –
Sometimes the wet material
Flaps against my skin and
It feels really horrible but
Its worth it to avoid everything
Else, the hand dryers and
The visible soggy patches.
Sometimes I get desperate
And wipe them on my trousers
Which is less than ideal since
They are not as hygienic as
The shirt which has not been
Exposed to the surrounding
Environment at all really.
Occasionally I’ll get lucky
And they’ll be some paper
Towels available and I don’t
Think I will ever stop being
Happy to see them, I grin
Every time and that’s almost
Kind of sad now I think about it.
I’m too self-conscious and
My self-esteem far too low
To seriously consider asking
For paper towels to be there
Provided as a regular fixture.
I don’t think they’d do that
Not for me, definitely, but
I do wonder if others struggle
Like I do with the noise
And heat of those machines.
For them, maybe, one day
I’ll make the request with
Fingers-crossed and state
“No more shall I adapt
Let’s be human and make
The environment do as I say.”
Chapter 752: Coming Out
Chapter Text
I remember when I was a teenager
Trying to figure out my sexuality
To be unlabelled was the worst thing
You had to at least call yourself
‘Questioning’ or something if
You knew you weren’t straight
Which I figured out pretty quickly
So I picked the only label that
Seemed as broad and un-labelling
As I could: ‘Queer’ is what I called
Myself and to anyone who wanted
To know or was in earshot too
I didn’t really come out exactly
There was no big announcement
Since most did not care at all
But I did have to make the decision
To declare it like I was at customs
To announce myself onto the markets
That I fit on the shelves of the best
It was admittedly less than ideal.
Now years later I am realising
That there will not be some big
Declaration of my asexuality
What’s the point of announcing
Myself off of the market that
I was never really available on
To begin with anyway – I’ve
Never had a girlfriend or a
Boyfriend or a… NB friend
No queer-platonic relationships
For me either in my sad lonely
Little bubble that I exist in
Being aro-ace is not something
I’ll be announcing and shouting
Not because I’m ashamed or
Anything but simply because
I know now that it’s no one
Else’s business but mine
And besides: no means no
Gay, asexual or otherwise!
Chapter 753: A Rough Day
Chapter Text
Why is sometimes
The hardest thing
Simply taking care
Of myself, feeding
And watering myself
When every instinct
Is screaming to let
Everything burn, to
Tear open my skin
Make myself bleed
Be hungry because
I deserve it and feel
Pain alone because
No one should have
To waste their time
Trying to comfort
This failure and such
Fucking useless being
The mildest critique
Acts like gasoline on
A dwindling match
Sparks fly and I catch
On fire with a roar
And once the flames
Have spread all I can
Do is try to fight to
Prevent them from
Raging and consuming
Everything in me
I push away those
Horrid dark thoughts
That spring to mind
I trudge and wade
Among the worst
Things I can create
In the depths of my
Brain's utter hate
Trying to remember
That I have every
Right to live just like
Any other person
And just because
I've made some small
- Seriously so tiny -
Mistakes that does
Not remove my self
Nor my requirement
For food in my belly
I hate myself so much
Just for stumbling so
Imagine if I truly fell
It all feels like I am
Screaming and no one
Can hear or that they
Just don't care at all
The worst side wins
Pessimism is so mild
Compared to what
My brain can think
And my arms are all
Scratched up from
Trying to relieve the
Pressure in my head
That I can't let it out
Once one spark starts
Then the flames need
Oxygen and fuel which
I provide it easily even
Though I know it will
Only make the fire burn
Hotter and spread faster
And destroy more but
It's just instinct too and
I can't fight that as well.
Chapter 754: Count
Chapter Text
I look back through
Those old photos from
Back then, year ago
And I realise that
I lost count so fast
Of how many times
A sharpener blade
Broke my skin on
My left wrist alone
Perhaps that’s why
Now when I use
An elastic band
I keep count so
Religiously and limit
The damage to ten
Strikes per stripe
And ten stripes
Along the wrist
I have to wait a bit
If I want to do
Another set
Or need to
I should say
Chapter 755: Won't You Learn
Chapter Text
That'll teach you
Not to seek out
Imagined comforts
And perceived
Attentions here
In the real world
Don't go looking
For that pretend
Help and care
Don't try to make
Your fantasy into
Reality because
You will fall so
Hard and fast
You won't recall
How to breathe
You are not any
One's priority
Stop whining and
Quit the pining
For something
That is just all
In your head.
But maybe she
Was just busy
She implied that
She was stressed
And had a lot to
Do and a lot on
Her own mind
That should be
Her priority really
You are not her
Responsibility now
Don't go crying
And making things
Her problem when
You should just
Be dealing with
These silly worries
On your own and
By yourself since
That way you
Can't accidentally
Say the wrong thing
Offend or insult
Or cause issues
For those few you
Imagine might care
For your sorry self
So next time keep
Your mouth shut
And don't knock
On that closed door!
But what might she
Say if she read this
Would these words
Be proven true or
Would they horrify
With their honesty
Would she assure
To the contrary or
Sagely nod and be
Agreed that she needs
Her space and that
Some apologies are
Necessary either for
Interrupting or for
Thinking that it was
Not allowed somehow
But I don't know or
I wouldn't be musing
So I am sorry if that
Too is insulting or too
Appalling to reveal…
Chapter 756: He Is With Us
Summary:
A Prayer For All Those In Hard Times
Chapter Text
He is with us
In the coldest days
He is with us
In the darkest nights
He is with us
In the spring and summer
He is with us
In the autumn and winter
He is with us
When the fires rage
He is with us
When the winds howl
He is with us
When the oceans rise
He is with us
When the water dries
He is with us
When we fight each other
He is with us
When we stand together
He is with us
When it all falls apart
He is with us
When the rebuilding starts
He is with us
When we bow our heads
He is with us
When we say our prayers
He is with us
When we gaze up high
He is with us
When we watch the skies
He is with us
When bombs and bullets rain
He is with us
When cities crumble
He is with us
When food runs low
He is with us
When the crops won't grow
He is with us
When sickness spreads
He is with us
When children beg
He is with us
When mothers weep
He is with us
When we cannot sleep
He is with us
When everything feels numb
He is with us
When we wish we were dead
He is with us
When we feel so alone
He is with us
When we want to go home
He is with us
When we wander lost
He is with us
When we follow his path
He is with us
When we lose our way
He is with us
When we turn away
He is with us
When we feel afraid
He is with us
When the candle flames
He is with us
When our hearts are heavy
He is with us
When we feel like breaking
He is with us
When he takes another away
He is with us
When we can't face another day
He is with us
When money is tight
He is with us
When envy makes us fight
He is with us
When love overflows
He is with us
When kindness follows
He is with us
When we are angry and despair
He is with us
When we fail to be fair
He is with us
In every bright rainbow
He is with us
In all the hidden shadows
He is with us
In the quietest whisper
He is with us
In every heartbeat’s quiver
He is with us
He is with us
And he loves us
You are not alone
It will be okay
Chapter 757: Patience
Chapter Text
I’m trying so hard to be patient with myself
To allow for the fact that I am ill right now
That a headache and snotty nose is a good
Excuse for less productivity today anyway
I have done plenty of work including written
More of my essay which I didn’t think that
I would manage amongst everything else
And scored nineteen out of twenty one on
My test which is my best score yet and
Though not perfect is still hard won and
Quite possibly the best in the class as well
Not to brag or anything because some
Part of me absolutely hates myself for
Failing to get one hundred percent still
Sure I didn’t manage to finish up all
The tasks I wanted to get around to
But I am willing to defend how I spent
My time either writing essays or too
Tired to do much else so what I did
Get done I must appreciate and not
Belittle myself for everything that did
Not happen but be positive and stuff
So yeah I’m trying to be as patient as
I can be and also remember to feed me
Eating something is next this evening
So I’ll wrap this up and go and get food!
👍
Chapter 758: I Am Inertial
Chapter Text
I am not good with endings and goodbyes
Almost as I am bad at beginnings and hellos
But goodbyes cause a wrench in my heart
Where hellos only tie knots and clench tight
And endings I cannot stop if I tried while
Beginnings so often I put off and avoid
Starting is much less satisfying that finishing
It's like I possess my own unique inertia
That drives me to never let anything cease
To make every moment last forever yet
Never let it be easy to begin anew when
It is all over and I must move on then
I cannot because some piece of my heart
Will forever belong to the past and the future
Must work hard to stake its claim in me
I do not ever say goodbye light heartedly
Nor do I ever say hello without some fear
That is to say that everything I am longs
For the present to always be and not say
Goodbye and for tomorrow to never greet me
Chapter 761: How To Choose
Chapter Text
As I heard a child say today
I want to do this thing that I enjoy
But I also find it stressful and
Overwhelming and I don't know
What to do, which do I choose
The fun option that is painful and
Difficult to manage or do I pick
The safe route and take care
Of my mental, emotional and
Even physical health instead, is
The sacrifice of one worth the other?
Chapter 762: The Thrill Of Fear
Chapter Text
I find that there is little difference
Between fear and excitement.
The line that separates anxiety
From thrill is blurred and faint
Or else why would rollercoasters
Be so popular yet not need to break.
What adrenaline fuels is up for debate
So let it drive you, make it work for
You instead of against and let’s see
What villain or hero you create…
Chapter 763: I Don't Know What A Friend Is
Chapter Text
You see I don’t know what a friend is.
Not necessarily because I’ve never had one.
There has been many people in my life
Both past and present (and hopefully future)
Who have happily and enthusiastically
Called me their ‘friend’ but I never have.
The word holds some mystical meaning for me.
I’m unsure as to what its exactly describing.
Where is the line between a friend or
An acquaintance or a colleague or a mate?
There must be some element of silent
Communication or telepathic energy
That I am just not receiving somehow.
I worry that I will spend my life waiting
For that inaudible click in my soul when
A true friend comes into my world…
Apparently I’ve been that for others but
I know for sure that they weren’t for me.
I am able to like people and love others.
I have emotions and empathy and
Really enjoy chatting away with various
Souls that I meet regularly or on occasion.
Does that make me extroverted of course not?
Does that make them my friends then?
How am I supposed to categorise or label
Those I interact with based on some feeling
That I can’t even decide if I am feeling!?
I’ve lost count of how many times before
I’ve ended up on the wrong side of the line
Having mistaken kindness for friendship
Or cruelty for caring I’m sorry to say.
Will I forever be alone I wonder? For if
I can never actively form attachments
If I am always the passive participant
Then who would ever work hard enough
To be labelled by me as ‘friend’ just to
Find that I’m not sure I know what one is.
Chapter 764: Opposing Forces
Chapter Text
For me
Pleasure
Is violent
Something
To be fought
For and
Against
A battle to
Be waged
And won
Until I am
Defeated
For me
Pain is
Beautiful
Something
Precious to
Treasure like
Diamonds
A dance full
Of balance
And danger
A secret to
Forever keep
Chapter 765: Parts Entire
Chapter Text
Fragments
Do not make
A whole
My parents
Separate
Parts are
Part of me
And I can
See myself
Reflected
In parts of
Them but
Those pieces
Even put
Together
Do not make
A whole self
I am not
Just parts
Of those
Who made me
I am more
Than the
Forces that
Shaped me
I do not need
To mirror
Anyone else
That I may see
I am me and
I am not just
Fragments
I am entirety
Chapter 766: Body Sleepy; Brain Awake
Chapter Text
My body may be sleepy
But my mind is wide awake
As I'm staring at the ceiling
My eyes are seeing shapes
Among the shadows so how
Long before I name them
And assign some complex
Backstories like a dead aunt
Or a fear of broccoli to mix
Up my imaginings so that
It's not just me in the movie
Sounds mad doesn't it well
That how you know I'm tired
And beyond sleep deprived
Eventually my thoughts will
Slow down like a toy train
Running out of battery and
Quietly bumbling to a halt
Except in this instance the
Stop is sleep and my brain
Doesn't so much as pause
Even then but at least the
Rest of me can grab a few
Dozen minutes of rest before
The morning comes and this
Exhausting cycle starts again
Chapter 767: The Unfinished & The Unsaid
Chapter Text
There are things unfinished
And they weigh heavy on me
There are words left unsaid
But there is no time to speak
Life keeps on moving forwards
And all I want to do is breathe
I need to pause and accept that
A moment has passed and that
The past is only memories now
That’s all it can ever be so please
Forgive me for mourning all those
Words I didn’t get to say and for
Taking a moment now to adjust
To carrying this weight of regret
For all that’s still open ended
Chapter 768: First Love
Chapter Text
I think I know
What they mean
When they say
There's nothing
Like first love
Only I'm talking
About music
That moment
When curiosity
Becomes passion
As some melody
Captures my heart
I can never recreate
That feeling as a
Song fills my body
Until I am dancing
Right to the tips of
My fingers and toes
As my soul drinks
My dreams become
Like a ballroom
A place for swirling
Stepping to the beat
Awake my mind
Is taken over by
The rhythm until
My heart can only
Pulse in time with
That symphony which
I am constantly hearing
And I am so loving
Even when the fresh
Fascination blends
Into near obsession
Which fades in turn
Into a fond nostalgia
For the tune I cannot
Help but always love
Occasionally it will
Resurface in my life
Tiptoeing through
A mind it once boldly
Danced so carefreely
So the music never
Totally loses its grip
On me but I can never
Feel again that same
Way I once did when
The loving was new
When the flutters had
Only begun to ripple
Through my being
Or when all thought
And every moment
I found a part of me
To be singing out
So thank you to the
Music which makes
Me feel alive and also
Makes even my breath
Seem somehow magical
And my skin tingle until
I cannot help but smile
Chapter 769: I Don't Wear A Seatbelt
Chapter Text
I don't wear a seatbelt
Usually anyway, sometimes
If someone else notices
And prompts me to… then
I will comply without a fight
Not that I'm ever in a car
More frequently than once
A week and not for longer
Than ten minutes or so.
I'd like to say that I just
Forget and that when I'm
In the front seat and the
Thing is beeping at me
Then I remember and
It's all good, but if I’m
Being honest even then
Something in me riles
At pulling that thin strip
Down across my body
And clicking it neatly in.
I'd like to pretend it was
A sensory issue and
Blame it on my autism
But in truth I suspect
It is a product more of
My continued latent
Suicidality than anything,
That vague hope that
If something happened
Not that I really want
Anything bad to happen
When driving and my
Car anxiety is testament
But that on the off chance
Something was to go awry
I wouldn't waste the
Opportunity by being
Safely held by the seatbelt
Chapter 770: The First Time Traveller
Chapter Text
The first time traveller
Was a woman, sort of
That was how she was
Classified at birth and
For the purposes of
Living in the past world
She chose to be a she
She was the perfect
Candidate in many ways
A passionate student
Of history including all
Its phases and chapters
She was asexual too
So was in no danger of
Falling in love and risking
It all as the stories warn
She was disabled they say
So was endangered by
Past prejudices enough
To be a guaranteed return
Some things never change
The willingness to exploit
Is certainly one of the worse
They were so confident
As they waved goodbye
And she stepped forward
But also backwards somehow
It was miraculous and
Revolutionary and amazing
She stopped waving and
Just walked to where she
Had always belonged and
Never looked back, you see
They forgot that the one
Thing they couldn't account
For in all their preparations
No she didn't tragically
Fall in love with some man
Or even a woman back there
She fell in love with the world
As it used to be before…
Before we got so used to
Its decay that we stopped
Caring and trying to fix it
Before we had everything
The way we wanted it
Before words had lost
Their weight and meaning
Before a sunset was little
More than light waves
Before a tree was just
An ecosystem but instead
A friend if you wanted
You see they were so sure
That any would abandon
Such an expensive project
For such a silly small
Thing as sex or romance
And they were right for
Though no one ever should
Instead she turned her back
On a doomed future and
Embraced all the wonder
Hardship, hate and grief
Of a history that she had
The blessed chance to meet
Chapter 771: Helplessly Waiting
Chapter Text
Is there a word
For that feeling
Of waiting but
You're helpless
Like you've just
Served and now
You're waiting
For the ball to
Come back your
Way again and
Yes realistically
There could be
Things to be
Doing to get
Ready to do
Your best when
The time comes
But it's like you
Have been tied
To a chair and
Been told to
Wait your turn
Somehow it's all
Out of your hands
And there is not
Anything you can
Do about it but
Here you are
Still waiting and
Waiting as you
Hold your breath
Thinking and
Thinking and
Thinking about
Everything you
Need to do next
When you're freed
And the game is
Yours to play again
What moves you
Could make and
Will make or might
Make and that's
All you can do
Realistically I mean
Just stress over
Every detail and
Plot for the instant
You're able to do
Anything more than
The just nothing that
You are being forced
To do right now
Is there a word
For this kind of
Feeling like waiting
But more stressful
Like thinking but
More intense or
Like stressing but
Less about control
And more about
Your lack of it...
Chapter 772: Scared & Tired
Chapter Text
I am so scared
For what this
Coming semester
May bring me...
I've been quite sick
Over the Christmas
Break and haven't
Managed to rest
And recuperate yet
And sometimes it
Just feels like I got
Through the last
Semester by the
Skin of my teeth.
I'm scared because
It's my last one...
After this I'm done
I graduate this
Spring or is it
Summer - I don't
Even know that
And even though
I do have a plan
For what I do next
Year I'm not ready
To say goodbye.
I need to write my
Dissertation this
Semester as well
Most of it too
It's all planned and
Basically ninety
Nine percent or so
Researched but
Now I've just got
To write the rest
Of the ten thousand
On top of the measly
Five hundred I think
I've got already.
And I'm so nervous
Because I don't
Want to muck it up
I'm passionate about
The topic and I want
To do well for a
Multitude of reasons.
But deadlines and
Time management
Are not my strong
Suit and I'm scared
I think for a reason.
I'm also scared since
I am pushing myself
Outside of my safe
Zone once again this
Semester except even
Farther than last term
Which remember did
Not entirely go so well
Not that anything I do
Ever goes perfectly.
There are conversations
I know I need to have
But can't work out how
To go about starting
And there's a whole
New person this time
Who even though she's
Lovely and I have met
Her before I'm just so
Tired of trying to explain
My weird brain to people
And it not make sense.
I'm so tired of it all.
I'm scared to try, you see.
Because I have this
Track record of trying
To push myself and
Instead just falling flat
On my face and making
So much work and
Causing problems for
Other people who I do
Really care about...
I'm tired and I'm out
Of ideas now I've tried
Being reactive and that
Blew up in my face and
Hurt some people I care
About into the bargain
I've tried being proactive
And that hit me in the
Backside so hard I'm
Still staggering and
I've done the whole
'Stand there and take
It and accept it all"
And that didn't work
Either but perhaps
Saved some at risk
Relationships that time.
I'm scared to try again
And get back on the
Horse when I've been
Burned before and
I think it's reasonable
To be frightened of
What has hurt me in
The past many times.
Even if a part of me
Is screaming that I'm
Being so silly and stupid
Getting all stressed
And scared over things
I can't do anything about
Right now and that
I should just knuckle
Down and concentrate
On the problems right
In front of me like the
Unfinished assignment
That's due in a few
Weeks or something...
So yeah, I am scared
For what this next
Semester will bring
But I think I'm allowed
Given my recent history.
Chapter 773: Learning Online
Chapter Text
Almost all I know of love
I've learned from fanfiction
The tales told by the internet
Overtly fictional but at their
Heart is an element of truth
Honesty disguised as lies
I learnt so much about people
How humanity functions in
It's complex tangled web of
Mostly silent communication
I learnt what drives actions
Which emotions prompt reply
All I know of sex is from the
Internet too, some partly
Perhaps in poor judgement
Learned from certain videos
Hosted on sites whose name
I overheard 'lads' discussing
If asked I could probably list
Techniques and ridiculous
Synonyms for body parts
If I had any interest then
I could be an expert by now
But I don't and never have
Those stories I read I tolerate
Reading about sexual activities
To learn about their deeper
Meanings, about humans'
Desire for connection which
I share but cannot express
More than anything fanfiction
Has taught me about trauma
The demons it can manifest
What behaviours it can prompt
How it can hide in the brain
Until something makes it sing
Chapter 774: Experience
Chapter Text
Almost all I know of love
I've learned from fanfiction
The tales told by the internet
Overtly fictional but at their
Heart is an element of truth
Honesty disguised as lies
I learnt so much about people
How humanity functions in
It's complex tangled web of
Mostly silent communication
I learnt what drives actions
Which emotions prompt reply
All I know of sex is from the
Internet too, some partly
Perhaps in poor judgement
Learned from certain videos
Hosted on sites whose name
I overheard 'lads' discussing
If asked I could probably list
Techniques and ridiculous
Synonyms for body parts
If I had any interest then
I could be an expert by now
But I don't and never have
Those stories I read I tolerate
Reading about sexual activities
To learn about their deeper
Meanings, about humans'
Desire for connection which
I share but cannot express
More than anything fanfiction
Has taught me about trauma
The demons it can manifest
What behaviours it can prompt
How it can hide in the brain
Until something makes it sing
I kissed a girl once - my only
'Experience' that I could name
And I would rather state that
She kissed me, although when
I try to remember that very first
Instance and I try to push aside
The strong memories of senses
I cannot picture who moved first
I was so naive and brainwashed
Not just by her but by humanity
The way their communication
Fluctuated to mean opposites
How laughter could be cruel
And how kissing could be mean
We kissed on command for the
Watching crowd like circus dogs
The teachers told us off for it
And yet I still didn't understand
The flush of shame and the hot
Uncomfortable prickly feeling
See I'd seen movies, I knew others
Did it all the time - I didn't get it
The idea that because we were
Both girls it was then a problem
They called us names which
Is likely why I refused to blame
Her for years after, she was
Harassed and teased like me
Just hearing the word 'lesbian'
Makes me feel sick even now
A trauma response I recognise
That I'll need therapy to resolve
There were other incidents
Later on, some months after,
Which I cannot bring myself
To reflect on still - my mind
Stalls when I try to replay
Those scenes that look pink
I escaped her eventually but
For so long failed to comprehend
That a split second moment
Could have such a profound
Impact on my unformed being
Shocks and scares me, especially
When all that happened was
A simple innocent, so so very
Innocent, little kiss on the lips
And I don't know what to say
About the fact that hers are
The only one's I've ever kissed
Chapter 775: The Truth Of The Internet
Chapter Text
TikTok is a study of opinion
Not fact or fiction but
Simply people’s opinions
And how they seek to
Disguise them as truth
Just as fanfiction is a study
Of experiences – lived or
Imagined they are presented
As the same – and a study
Of communication between
Many passionate individuals
Between artists and art lovers
Aiming to convince all
They are somehow in between
See the internet is a study
Of believability and honesty
It always tries to test our
Knowledge and understanding
Of what is our own thought
And what might be another’s
What is fact to one might
Be another’s chosen fiction
Chapter 776: Try To Fight And Not To Fall
Chapter Text
I’m so scared to try again
To try and fight and push
Myself and my limits again
Because I have this history
Of falling on my face when
I do try and push things
And it’s not that I think
That I failed then or that
I will fail when I try now
It’s simply that falling on
Your face hurts so bad
And I’m scared because
I think that fighting is
Going to hurt me and
Test me as it rightly should
But I’m already so tired
Though I’m trying to get
Ready to face this soon
So even if that makes me
A coward for wanting to
Run and hide even as
I plant my feet to stand
My ground as best I can
Even if it makes sense
To be scared of being hurt
A part of me is disgusted
And ashamed that some
Part inside my heart is
Just done and doesn’t
Want to try again and
Risk the pain anymore
Chapter 777: To Trade Life And Death
Chapter Text
Sometimes I wish that
All those who had no
Reasons left to live could
Line up and trade places
With those who still did.
I have in mind those sad
Suicidal souls and poor
Cancer-ridden bodies
Of the western world and
I wonder morbidly at how
Such a concept might be
Unfairly applied to war-torn
Refugees and orphans
Or the disabled persons
Without a voice in society
All unable to declare if they
Have any reasons or not.
The system would certainly
Be misused to cheat fair
Death and the definition
Of such a term would be
Written by those who seek
To abuse its meaning for
Their own best interests.
I can picture those on
Death Row being forced
To take on the deaths of
Servicemen injured in
The line of duty or even
If given enough time we
Would develop a method
Of categorising worth
And maximising benefits
For those deemed suitable
Of being saved and doom
Those seen as unworthy.
But all that dystopia aside
I just like to imagine that
It would make a fairer world
Give humans some control
Of which we are not at all
Deserving nor justified
But to allow those who
Wish for the end some
Purpose and dignity in our
Demise to make it a gift
For those whose lives are
Being cut short so cruelly.
I think that the irony of life
Is that those who want it
And those who do not
Cannot ever see the sun
From the other's shoes.
Chapter 778: Stars Or Sleep
Chapter Text
I'm trying so hard
To go to sleep but
My brain is wide awake
And I'm kind of glad
Because there are
So many stars out
Tonight and they are
All so beautiful that
I almost want to weep.
Chapter 779: The Empath's Tightrope
Chapter Text
The line between
Empathising with
Those who hurt you
Forgiving those
Who hurt you and
Making excuses
For those who hurt
You is a line that
I dance along daily.
Chapter 780: Thoughts In A Tangle
Chapter Text
My thoughts are in a tangle
My brain is in a knot, like
When you leave headphones
In your pocket for too long
I find that I can't separate
Logic from emotion, it all
Looks the same from where
I am just endlessly floating
All I know for certain is that
I am scared of something
But I do not know the reason
That is buried beneath confusion
My mind is too loud to focus
I can't drown out the chaos
Enough to work out how to
Explain why I cannot think
But even loud and noisy
Thoughts are better than
The alternative which is
Feeling nothing and only
Hearing silence in my head
Chapter 781: Please
Chapter Text
Please don't make me choose
To fail and give up and turn back
Please don't make me choose
To back down and give in to doubt
Please can you just believe in me
That's what I need from you now
Please can you believe in me
When I am fighting to fight to try
Chapter 782: Bad Thoughts Won
Chapter Text
Tonight, the bad thoughts have won
I cannot eat and I cannot run
The only time I can safely pause
Is to remember to breathe and
Then I’m off again and gone
Chapter 783: Pronouns
Chapter Text
It is not often that I see
Any pronouns written
That are discussing me
But today I saw an email
Where I was referred to
As ‘she’ and ‘her’ and
It made me pause for
A moment to consider
Why it made me feel so
Uncomfortable inside
Because even ‘they/them’
I think would not feel right
And ‘he’ or ‘him’ is neither
I wonder if it’s the sensation
Of being talked about that
Makes my skin crawl and
That my gender identity
Is not complicated at all
Chapter 784: Afraid To Eat
Chapter Text
I'm too afraid
To give into
The hunger
I haven't eaten
In nearly 24
Hours now and
I just know that
When - not if -
I finally consume
Food it will
Not be fun
One bit and
That's even if
I manage to
Retain some
Control and
Don't simply
Gorge until
I feel so sick
I cannot move
If I can stay
In control
Enough to
Carefully manage
My intake of
Solid stable
But filling things
Which I doubt
Very much
Since I will of
Course be doing
This on my own
To have some
Concerned
Friend watching
Over my every
Bite would be
A crueller hell
Even more
Than the one
I find I have
Got myself in
Where my insides
Squirm and scream
But I am too
Afraid to give in
And just eat
Something
Chapter 785: Real Excuses
Chapter Text
I don't know if I am afraid
Or if I'm just making excuses
Do I really want to starve again?
Or do I think that I deserve it?
Am I staying sat here still
To avoid standing on weak legs
Or am I trying to prevent the
Feast that waits if I go home?
Am I scared of gorging or
Am I scared that I am not
Supposed to eat when I have
Been bad - as if I'm ever not?
The longer I wait though
The more chance someone
Will ask and get a lecture
About the perfect hell that
Is the inside of my head.
Chapter 786: Normal Concerns
Chapter Text
I forget that most people
Aren’t nervous about seeing
Someone hours or days
After an intense conversation
Because they aren’t worried
That after some processing
Of what was said and heard
That they might have changed
Their minds and decided
To hate you now, somehow
Chapter 787: Words Unspoken
Chapter Text
I can't say
"I hurt myself"
I can't say
"I self-harmed"
It's like my
Throat closes
Up and the
Words never
Make it past
My lips to
Be heard
I could probably
Say "I am
Suicidal"
For some
Reason that
Is easier
And even
When I have
Those deep
Conversations
I dance around
Using all other
Words and phrases
To get across
My meaning
Quite clearly
And though
It's been years
Years clean even
I still can't say
"I used to self-harm"
My voice just
Refuses to speak
Chapter 788: Burnt Out
Chapter Text
I'm in burnout I think
I don't feel anything
Or if I do it's not right
I feel like an alien in
My own skin, like I'm
A robot walking around
Pretending to be human
The world is behind
Clouded glass and it
Seems so muffled, so
Until the glass breaks
And cuts me will this
Horrid spell be broken
As will my weary soul
Chapter 789: Lost Fight
Chapter Text
I've lost all my fight
It's like it drained away
And the small part of
Me that isn't numb is
Very very scared of that
Chapter 790: I'm Gonna Be Alright
Chapter Text
I’m past the worst
For today that is
I hope I’ve glimpsed
The end of the storm
Slivers of blue peek
Through the darkness
Rain and thunder
I am at least at peace
With feeling nothing
Acceptance is an
Important step in
This weary journey
I have confidence
Tentative and weak
But all the same
I have faith that
I’m gonna be alright
Chapter 791: Underwater
Chapter Text
In my mind’s eye
I’m underwater
To use a cliché
I’m not drowning
Not yet, I’m still
Holding my breath
And hoping to
Reach the surface
Once again – but
Everyone else
Around me seems
So far away and
Their voices are
Muffled to me
My own screams
Seem so loud
As the bubbles
Explode out
But no one can
Hear anything
Sometimes it
Feels like I can’t
Feel anything
On my skin like
The water has
Wrapped around
Me and blocks
All sensations
Everything is
So distant and
Muddled as if
Something has
Kicked up a load
Of sand and I can’t
Even see my own
Hand in front of
My face let alone
Anyone else’s
That is reaching out
Chapter 792: with a capital A
Chapter Text
I am a person who
Characterises the
Letter ‘a’ it seems
I am autistic and
Therefore asocial
And agender (not
A gender but just
That I’m apathetic
Towards gender
And many other
Things - another ‘a’)
I am asexual and
also aromantic too
It’s like I’m going
For bingo or maybe
It’s all a coincidence
Or it could be by design
All I know for certain
Is that my life is so
Characterised by
The first letter of
The alphabet like
My life begins with
A capital ‘A’ from now
Chapter 793: Different.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I am working to accept
That I am simply different
Not wrong or broken or
Damaged or a problem
Not a burden or a blight
But my brain is one that
Needs proof to believe
In words that alone mean
Nothing without backing
And the evidence suggests
That I am different but
Not in a good way so often
It is a difference for the worse
And I am trying to reconcile
These opposite views to
Understand that I can be
Different and it is not bad
That different is not wrong
That I am not broken by
Design but by the world
That is not built for me
Which is not my fault
A different brain should
Not be a curse but in
This world right now maybe
It actually is but that
Doesn’t matter if I can
Let go of this blame and
Guilt and shame that I’ve
Been carrying around
With me in this head of
Differences and weirdness
I can take on the world
If I know that that is the
Battle I should be fighting
Not a war with myself
Where I can only ever lose
Because someone has
Staged the fight against me
And I’m battling with
Both arms tied behind
My back and doomed
Never to win just to fall
And fall and fall again
It’s not my fault and
That isn’t an excuse
It’s a justified reason
There is evidence if
I can be strong enough
To go looking for it and
Have faith and believe
In the words that kind
Caring good people tell
Me and to ignore those
Hurtful hateful ignorant
Words I hear everyday
From inside of my head
Where they were planted
So long ago by a society
Not yet ready to understand
And where they have
Been watered by the media
Which does not dare to
Defy the rules it has set
Where anyone can say
Anything and it be true
Until you have the courage
To ask and to go and check
I am gathering my courage
To stand up and carry on
With this fight that I had
Forgotten I needed to
Be fighting not just for me
But for those I know who
Will follow on after me
Along this path I am carving
Out for them in the hope
That no one will struggle
Again and blame themselves
For being different when
They are different and
It is beautiful – can I believe
That it is beautiful to be
Different yet? Can you?
Notes:
Did you know?
Around 1 in 50 people are autistic.
About 60% of autistic adults are under- or unemployed.
87% of have mental illness.
Autistic people are nine times more likely than the general population to die by suicide.
An average life expectancy of just 54 years.
Chapter 794: Practical Solutions
Chapter Text
It’s got to that point now
Time to put learned
Lessons into action:
The door is locked
To stop anyone getting
In but also me from
Getting out into the
Dangerous world.
The curtains are
Closed and so are
The windows so
That I can’t hear
The road and those
Cars driving so fast
And carelessly along it.
Everything sharp has
Been shut away inside
As many boxes as
I can find and all
The scissors have
Been tightly tied shut.
I’m wearing gloves
Despite the itching
And the warm so
That my nails can’t
Dig into my palms
And my knuckles
Can’t bleed against
A wall if I get at one.
My headphones are
In and blaring full blast
The first comedy show
I could find in the
Shortest time available
And both the world
And my screaming
Thoughts are blocked out.
I have chocolate and
Sweet things piled up
Ready and waiting
Beside me for when
My brain’s happy
Chemicals dip below
The red line and
Need some help.
And failing all of that
I have some elastic
Bands tucked away
Someplace that
I can’t remember
Right now and
If all else fails
Maybe I can sleep
And wake up healed.
Chapter 795: A Winter Night's Walk
Chapter Text
The cold winter night's air
Is brisk and chill on my skin
My ears are frozen within
Minutes though the rest
Of me has enough layers
To keep me alive if I'm quick
I've never felt so alive and
Present while yet so distant
It's like I'm floating off
Among the stars that I tilt
My head back to stare at
Until my neck aches and
I quite forget which way
The ground is in all the
Darkness and bright lights
They are so beautiful
I want to speak and try
To name them with any
Of the names I can recall
Or with any I can create
But I daren't speak at all
And risk ruining the peace
Of the moment though
The noise of the distant
Road and chatter of drunk
Sociable people spoil any
True silence for this place
All I can bring myself to
Whisper is "hello" then
I plod off back to the warm
With my skin still tingling
And my brain buzzing
Happily as words spill out
To describe what I've seen
And felt so that I can share
My winter night's walk
Even though I was alone
In that moment as if all
The world had disappeared
Can I share with you the
Memory and let you be
With me under the stars
In the cold and the dark?
Chapter 796: We All Hurt (Does That Make Us The Same?)
Chapter Text
I know that everybody struggles
In this shitty world everyone
Has shitty mental health sometimes
Everyone finds it hard to believe
In themselves and see their best
Parts instead of only their worst
I know that everybody struggles
And I feel bad for comparing but
It just seems like the stakes are
Higher for me than for most and
Please trust me that is not a boast
If things go wrong and shit hits
The fan for me then my physical
Safety and wellbeing is on the line
I know everyone has bad days but
Not everyone might die from them
Everyone hates themselves at times
But not everyone punishes themselves
We all feel down and lonely some days
But not all of us bleed our pain away
If I start to spiral and am out of control
Then it’s my skin that will pay the price
Am I allowed to be worried for that?
Is it okay for my concern to be elevated?
The stakes are literally life and death
My life and my death – can you get
Higher risk than that and can you
Blame me for being scared to gamble?
Chapter 797: Opening Up
Chapter Text
I actually opened my curtains today
Made the choice to let in the sunlight
Instead of wallowing in the shadows
Like I have been for the past few days
And the sun is warm and the light is
Beautiful where it catches all the dust
That I’ve stirred up as it hangs in the air
I can see the sky just about beyond
The dirty cob-webby window panes
And past the trees bear without leaves
It is bright and white with clouds and
I am so glad to see it and I am so glad
That I have opened up my world today
Chapter 798: Long Or Short Sleeves
Chapter Text
I wear long sleeves to protect myself
From the rain and sun and cold winds
From those prying eyes and cruel taunts
From my own hands and nails that claw
I wear long sleeves to hide myself away
From everyone else and even from myself
To hide old scars or new wounds from view
To stop remembering and break the loop
To put on a mask and pretend to be okay
I wear long sleeves even if it hurts to.
I wear short sleeves in defiance of so much
To declare my battles won and not lost
To not be afraid of my scars or others’ thoughts
To feel safe enough alone with my own weapons
I wear short sleeves to be brave in spite of
How the bitter wind bites or the cold chills
The sun’s harsh rays can only ever reveal
Worse damage done by my own hand
Since healed while skin was hidden away
Now out on display despite the continued pain.
Chapter 799: I Can't Not
Chapter Text
I can’t not right now…
I’ve only just got back
Onto an even keel
I can’t risk a fight again
I’m still too weak
Though this weakens me
I cannot afford to sacrifice
Wellbeing for sanity
Not right now anyway
Soon this will become
A moot point anyway
As I spiral down and
It all falls apart I will
End up having to fight
But I can’t right now
I must just deal with
The hand I have been dealt
And the one I have dealt
To myself after all this
Is all self-inflicted
That is the problem in the end
And though I hate it
Though I loathe every time
I repeat the loop that
I know only ever brings
Me more pain and strife
I’d rather it felt like
A choice or a decision
Like I was deciding it
Was for the best somehow
So I convince myself
There’s reasons why and
Why not to fight on
And I try to accept them
Instead of the alternative
Which is being helpless
So helpless in the face
Of my own thoughts
Chapter 800: Spiralling (I Don't Want To)
Chapter Text
I can feel myself spiralling
It’s happening so slowly
So gradually that I can almost
Convince myself it isn’t real
That all is well and I’m okay
But I’m not nor have I been
For many years and years now
My ‘okay’ is very much not
But you learn to live with it
Learn to survive the fear
Of falling down into darkness
The same darkness that I am
Descending into so slowly
Like I’m walking down
A long dark spiral staircase
But that makes it sound
Like somehow I'm in control
Like it’s a choice or an option
To go down or to rise up
It’s not a choice for me
Yet still I choose to walk
Step down one step more
Rather than risk looking up
And seeing how far I have
Fallen down already and
How far I must climb back up
The effort of ascending is
So much higher than this
This slow fall into the dark
It’s easier so I pretend that
I don’t have any options
Because the few options
That maybe I do have
They are hard and scary
And involve honesty and
Truth and trust and faith
In other people and in me
And right now all I know
Is that I am spiralling but
No matter how I try to deny it
I will keep on pretending
Until my foot slips and
I begin to tumble without
Control and false stability
When I am just as afraid
Of falling as I am of rising
Then finally I will be brave enough
To risk reaching out a hand
And asking for the impossible
Asking for someone to help me
Chapter 801: The Warmth Of The Sun
Chapter Text
I think that what unites us all
What makes us all the same
What unites us as human beings
Is that, I believe, all of us at some
Point or other have simply stopped
For a moment to tilt our faces up
To feel the warmth of the sun on
Our cheeks even just for a second
Perhaps when we were young and
Glad of a break from our chores
But all the same we are the same
United under the sun’s rays
Even if we are blind to its light
We can still feel its gentle touch
Even if we cannot walk or stand
Our faces can still turn like sunflowers
To face the brightness and warmth
Even if we have no home or country
We can all share this planet that
Orbits around that glowing ball
Even if we are sick or sad or angry
Even if, or especially if, our minds
Are unsettled and messy then we
Look up with eyes closed and just
Stop for a minute to feel the sun
Not see it nor know it nor think of it
But just to be still and breathe
Enjoy the light for a moment
Even if it is fleeting in the darkness
We are all human under one sun
We all have loved its warmth
Chapter 802: A Life Like Mine
Chapter Text
There’s probably a lot of differences
Between your life and mine but
They might not be the same ones
That you think of in your mind.
Do you hesitate every time that
You hold scissors or a knife
Because you’re wondering
What might they feel like?
Do you pause for a moment
When you stub your toe or
Burn your finger by mistake
Because you want for a second
To do it again and feel the pain?
Do you contemplate every wall
That you come across for integrity
Or the roughness of its bricks so
That if you had need of it then
You would know how it would feel?
See I don’t think that this is how
Most people live their lives each day
And if you’re also one of the unlucky
Ones like me, then I can only say:
How do you make it through
When every other thought is
Of the temptation to be in pain?
How do you survive this compulsion
To assess every moment for its stakes?
Chapter 803: How Low Can I Go?
Summary:
I've clearly reached the hysterical period of this depressive episode. Lucky me.
Chapter Text
The bar for me is
So very low it is
Practically sitting
On the ground.
Am I still alive?
Have I done all
The things I need
To do just to simply
Continue to be
Like eat, drink, sleep?
Yes, well then.
Have I done any
Thing besides this
Literally anything
More than the basic
Nessesities of survival?
Not have I done them
Well – let’s not get
Ahead of ourselves –
But have I simply just
Attempted to do
Anything more than
Survive? Yes, well
Then this week has
To be considered
A success then.
Any week I spend
Doing anything
Other than surviving
– Even if it’s driven
By stress and anxiety
Instead of creativity
Or enthusiasm –
Has to be viewed
As something good.
Because the bar
Is so low I’m almost
Sitting on it by now.
Chapter 804: Disbelief
Chapter Text
The problem with this… technique
With relying on outside forces
In order to regulate and cope
Is that I am left in perpetual doubt
As to whether any happiness
Is real or manufactured by action
Every smile is questioned as
Soon as it falls away and the
Numb blank darkness returns again
Is that a price I am willing to pay?
To be happy even if I don’t know
If I actually am or not – surely
You could argue that a smile
Is a smile but most I think would
Agree that masks can run deep
And it is not impossible that
I am just pretending even to myself
To justify the lengths I go to
In order to feel in control somehow
And so in order to criticise all
That I am willing to subject
My body and brain to, then
I must not accept any joy
As true or good or right…
Chapter 805: Quicksand
Chapter Text
My feet are stuck
Trapped in quick
Sand – I turn to
Run and flee away
But the ground
Holds me fast and
I must stand still
I strain and strive
Clawing at the
Earth to set me
Free but it doesn’t
Release me and
Slowly down I sink
Chapter 806: Trying To Fight
Chapter Text
I'm scared out
Of my mind
Because of
My own mind.
And there's
No monster
To defeat nor
Any demon
To vanquish.
No problem
To be solved
Nor anything
To fix or change.
There's just
Simple survival.
Get through
One day and
Then the next.
And I am trying.
I'm doing all
That I know
Even that
Which I hate
And which
Makes me
Hate myself
Even more.
But I'm doing
It all the same.
I am fighting
Even though
I'm so tired
Of fighting
And failing
And fighting
Some more.
I promised
That I would
Try because
That was the
Very least
I could swear
To really do.
I don't know
If I will survive
If I will succeed
Or fail to thrive
I hope I will...
But I hope that
No matter what
I will not stop
Trying to fight
Even if it kills
Me one night.
Chapter 807: Late Night Fears
Notes:
Not sure I like this one much, I wrote it while EXTREMELY tired last night.
Chapter Text
It's late
I'm so tired
But I'm too
Scared to
Be alone
With my
Thoughts
Even for
Those few
Minutes
Between
Putting down
My phone
And closing
My eyes
Before I can
Drift off
Into the
Slumberland
The things
I can see
When my
Eyelids
Flicker closed
Would scare
Most others
Into never
Sleeping
Again or
Never being
So alone
Chapter 808: Forgetting
Notes:
While this was a product of this morning, when I looked in the mirror...
I quite like this one.
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think
The worst part is
The forgetting...
The way the scars
Fade and bruises
Heal and the pain
Disappears until
You can almost
Believe that it was
Never even there.
Memories become
Hazy as they often
Do with age and
What you needed
To remember is
Now just another
Missing page that
Has been lost to
The wind and sand.
Chapter 809: Easier?
Chapter Text
I thought it would get easier
It’ll be four years in May
But sometimes the urge
Is as strong as if I’d cut
Only yesterday and not
1345 days ago instead
Sometimes I wonder if
I’ll ever be free of it
If I’ll ever manage to
Get out from under this
Shadows that haunts me
It cannot ever be just
A chapter of my past
For as long as the ink
Bleeds through to now
And stains the page
I am trying to turn today
Sometimes I wonder
If giving it up was even
The right thing to do
If I would have been
Happier these past
Three years without
Battling to make it
Through but I realise
That if I’d have carried
On the way I had been
And the way I yearn
To even still – that
I would not be here
All these years later
That what I believed
Was keeping me alive
Would have eventually
Been the thing to kill
This is what I hold onto
When the bright red
Seeps into my mind
And I imagine with
Such crystal clarity
The silver blade held
Between finger and
A thumb against
My skin that is smooth
Unbroken and warm
Because even if it
Seems like a solution
A way to fix all that
I am dealing with now
It will only become
The new problem
When the cycle gets
Its claws back in me
And I am trapped
Again in its grip
Then the fight will
Not be to thrive
But to just survive
And I’ve been there
Before so I know
Exactly what I am
So afraid of and
I know that just
Because I made it
Every time previous
Does not guarantee
I would manage to
Win this fight again
For the millionth time
It does not get any
Easier with practice
Or with distance or
With time or healing
Or peace of mind
With support or
Friends or family
The war still rages
In the quiet of my
Head and the only
Sign you get is
When the battle
Wounds start to
Bleed and by
Then I have lost
And must start
All over again.
Chapter 810: Some Things Don't Change
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think
That I haven't changed
That much since I was
Fifteen or sixteen even
Though I know that I have
Because out of the corner
Of my eye I'll see a knife
Or a sharpener or some
Scissors glinting in the
Light and I'll be right
Back to all that time ago
And I realise it will forever
Be my go-to coping
Mechanism because
It works even though
There's such a price
To pay it does work
It makes me feel
Or it makes me numb
It gives me what
I deserve and the
Control I crave inside
And I can blame
Hormones and cycles
I can blame the
Messed up wiring
In my head but
In reality the only
Fault lies with my
Weakness and failure
To find some strength
Chapter 811: Violent, I Am
Chapter Text
There is a violence to it that scares me
And an apathy that chills me to the bone
It’s like there’s a volcano under the surface
Full of building frustration that just explodes
I’m not an angry person nor a violent one
It seems that the only person I can harm
Is myself and in those moments I don’t care
There is only the rage and the violence
Which makes me feel so damn scared
Chapter 812: Accountability
Chapter Text
Sometimes I think
That accountability
Is really what I need
I'm not saying that
I'm a child needing
To be watched every
Minute to make sure
I don't do anything
Dumb, foolish or silly
It's more that I often
Find myself needing
To be reminded of
How my actions have
Consequences and
That I do have the
Power to affect the
Other people in my life
I am an adult certainly
And therefore I am
Responsible for my
Own actions of course
But sometimes it
Seems that I am only
Able to learn when
I suffer for my errors
And mistakes and
When I am told often
That certain choices
Were the wrong ones
To make then maybe
I can just gain some
Accountability for
When I do make those
Bad decisions and
Then maybe in time
I might learn to not
Make quite so many
Painful mistakes...
Chapter 813: Learn To Let Go
Chapter Text
It's been a few days now
The bruises are almost gone
Oh how I hate to see time
Ruin all my hard work
Chapter 814: Comfortable
Notes:
I was really nervous to share this one, but every word is the truth and it felt powerful somehow to speak it. Be kind. 👍
Chapter Text
I want to preface this
By saying I'm alone
In my room with the
Curtains shut and
The door is locked
But the radiator was
On full blast and I
Don't have control
To turn it down so
I got too warm and
Slowly stripped off
My layers until at
Last I was lying in
My bed in just my
Underwear scrolling
On TikTok without
A second thought
Except for how I
Was finally not far
Too warm and even
If I don't look down
When I get up to
Grab a drink and
Even if I avert my
Gaze from myself
Even if I keep the
Sheets between
Any skin touching
Skin; some part of
Me is so proud that
I am comfortable
In this body I find
Myself living in.
Chapter 815: Journey Of Addiction
Chapter Text
I haven’t cut myself in almost four years.
I don’t know why I still make that distinction
When I’ve tried everything else under the sun
To hurt myself in that intervening span of time.
I’ve always seen cutting as the real enemy.
It’s what nearly killed me after all.
It’s what gave me scars that still exist.
It’s what drained me of everything I was.
It’s what made me hollow like a shell.
It’s what made me eager to give up.
I guess I’ve written cutting into the role
Of villain and big bad monster when
Maybe it’s only the little monsters’ big sis.
But cutting is what so frightened everyone
Who I loved and who cared about me
And made them think I wanted to end it all.
If I were to state that it has been a whole week
Since I last hurt myself then I end up thinking
I am fourteen again and counting every day.
But it doesn’t feel the same or look it
That must be the real difference because
The bruises have already faded away.
I’ve gotten into trouble before by making
That strange indistinct distinction between
Cutting and hurting myself any other way.
By claiming it’s been more than three years
Am I lying to myself and to anyone who hears
Or is some part of it true and I am clean?
It would be so easy to excuse all the biting
And scratching and hitting of myself as
Self-injurious stims and blame my autistic self.
But I know deep down that it is all part of
The journey to recovery that comes with
The addiction I’ve long since faced up to.
By that logic pain is pain and all self-harm
Is equal but I speak from experience
That not all of it feels and tastes the same.
The danger of cutting is the risk of course
Not just the risk of doing something
Worse than that which was intended
The risk is the chance of doing it again.
Of being stuck forever doing it again.
Because it needs to be repeated.
And that’s what consumes everything
As every waking minute becomes
Either full of pain or the longing for it.
And I’m not saying it isn’t like that
When all I cause are bruises but
It isn’t quite the same somehow.
It can still feel terrifying and so easily
Spiral out of control but there’s safety
In the blunt edge and not the sharp one.
I convince myself there is a scale of
Damage to be plotted and that
Cutting is the worst I can manage.
I substitute like a grocery delivery with
Second-rate pain whenever sheer
Distraction tactics fail me utterly.
Swap a blade for a rubber band
Make lines of raised welts instead
Of sliced valleys on my bared skin.
And I tell myself that it is better.
That I haven’t broken my streak.
That I am still over three years clean.
I shall keep counting every day and week
And month that passes since that final day
Until I reach the next milestone and can say:
I haven’t cut myself in four years.
Chapter 816: Frugal Tendencies
Chapter Text
I never use my crockery
And cutlery as frugally
As I do right after I’ve
Done the washing up
Of course when there’s
No bowls left and only
Mugs then I’ll be creative
Like anyone and use
A lid as a plate and stir
My cup of tea with a knife
Just to avoid doing the
Washing up for one
More night but when
I have and it is done
And everything is dry
And clean and put away
I have this urge to never
Need to wash a fork again
Anything to repeat the
Trauma I have just faced
It doesn’t last for long
Usually after I’ve slept
A few times and the vivid
Memory of the ordeal
Has faded a little then
The wariness about
Consumption dies too
And I see all the pots
And pans and cups
Stacked here and there
And I think what a shame
It would be not to use
Them as they are intended
So eventually I do and
They all end up stacked
In a neat contained pile
On the side near the sink
Waiting for me to truly
Run out of everything
Before I will give in and
Then of course the cycle
Starts again as soon as
The taps are turned off
Chapter 817: Proven Right?
Chapter Text
I do so hate to prove you right
When you say that I cannot win
This fight by standing on my own
When you tell me that I must
Adapt my approach and adjust
My aims to be manageable and
Still I fail to reach even those
Lowered goals like a failure...
As much as I can know that
I am different I hate to see the
Evidence for it shining in my face
I hate to see my societal flaws
Flaunted like they are all I am
All I can be and ever will be
And that is I how I feel sometimes
I know when I try to discuss this
With you then one or either
Of us will crack some joke and
Might light of it as best we can
But right now I am crying and
Crying at the painful truth that
I cannot avoid in this moment
That even if I do everything right
Even if I get help and talk to
Others and reach out and by
Some miracle that all works well
I still maintain the capacity to
Fail and fall on my face with
Seemingly only the slightest
Provocation and mildest cause
What most would probably
Only stumble over just knocks
Me right down to the floor and
I hate it and I hate myself so much
For it every time it happens even
If the only blame is gravity and
Not at any point my own decisions
Which were always made with
Logic and the information available
But right now I am so tired and
Feeling everything so strongly
And the phrase I cannot seem to
Escape or get away from as it
Circles round and round in my brain
Is that I do not want to prove you
Right in this, just as I do not want
To ever let you or myself down
Again even though I know I will
Chapter 818: Temptations
Chapter Text
There are so many places I cannot take myself
Like a train platform or a high clifftop places
Because even if at the other end of the train route
Is my family and my home and my bunny rabbits
Because even if beside the clifftop with me
Is my sister with a big innocent smile on her face
I cannot trust myself not to have that thought
Even if it only lasts a second before I move on
The temptation and desire even weak and feeble
It scares me more than I could ever truly explain
Chapter 819: Explain Capitalism To Me?
Chapter Text
My parents want me to get a job
They’ve relented while I’ve been
Doing my degree and even they
Understand that I cannot cope
With doing both uni and job but
Now I’m going into a ‘gap year’
They keep telling me to get one
The problem in my view is that
I seriously don’t think that I can
Only 15% of autistics ever work
I don’t think that is going to be me
There are jobs I really want to do
But the challenges that come with
Them make it almost impossible
I have to do something I love or
It just is not going to happen at all
But I am not reliable as an employee
Too many mental health crises and
Shutdowns or sensory overloads
To qualify as a good stable worker
Because though I have skills and
I’m smart but my communication
Is significantly lacking sometimes
From my perspective I have to go
Into academia because academia
Will at least want me and will enjoy
My enthusiasm for certain subjects
And my ability to absorb knowledge
And put it to use will let me continue
To learn for all of my life and maybe
Even help others learn things too
But again it comes with challenges
As some might say that all life does
But at least it is something I know
That I can pursue I just need a year
Off to have a break since I haven’t
Stopped yet literally for all of my life
Is it so bad that I want to volunteer
For my local community that I value
What is it about previous generations
And this requirement to ‘earn my way’
I can’t understand their logic some days
I have a roof over my head and I am
Warm and I have enough food and
It’s even food that I like and will eat
I am very lucky in those things but
I don’t understand the need for more
Money will not make my brain easier
To deal with or make the world more
Suitable to my brain or make me any
More acceptable to the capitalist ways
That state that anyone who cannot
Pay their way and contribute to the
Economy is worth less that those who do
Why should I prop up a system that
Does not value my existence or the
Existence of so so many people like me
I don’t understand it one bit so when
I ask my parents why I should get a job
All they can ever tell me is that I should
Be earning money but they don’t say why
I just want to be kind and spend my time
Helping people and looking after kids
Who make me laugh and smile and I just
Don’t see what’s so wrong with that or
What programming could they possibly
Have stuck in their heads that they think
Earning money is better than all the rest?
Chapter 820: Poetic Periods
Chapter Text
I think there's something poetic
About how every month between
The legs of anyone with a uterus
Looks like a warzone splattered
With blood that never seems to
End and it's considered… normal
That it's healthy and right and
Nothing to be concerned about
But if one hadn't been warned
Then I'm not surprised that a
Young person could easily think
That they were dying if they
Looked down one day and with
No apparent warning saw that
Much blood soaking through
Everything they were wearing
We're conditioned to accept it
To tolerate and never complain
Nor even discuss the matter
And though that's getting better
Now as time goes on and we
Learn that talking is important
The picture in my head when
I think of that monthly hell is
Of blood both bright and dark
Staining my skin and filling my
Nose with its unmistakable
Smell as it ruins a decent week
Sometimes I'm glad to have
This organ inside of me that
Could carry a child if I wanted
But I can't forget that most
Of what I feel it doing is hurting
Is making me weep and cry
And I just think that is poetic
That half of humanity can be
Living in agony but must be silent
And not let on that we're afraid
Chapter 821: Smells Of Death
Chapter Text
It smells of death
And metal too
A coppery scent
So strong I can
Almost taste it
In the back of
My mouth now
But mostly it
Just smells like
Death and decay
Which I suppose
It actually is
It is the evidence
For something
Inside me that
Has died before
It could ever
Really live and
The parts of
My body that
Must decay
And be expelled
Along with it
So it should feel
Cleansing then
Like a clean
Slate and a
Fresh start but
It just feels
Like a funeral
For a future
That could only
Have had the
Slimmest chance
Of ever happening
In the first place
I am not clean
I am dirty with
The mess of it
I am stained like
A victim and
A perpetrator
Because I am both
My inaction and
My actions led
To this moment
Even if it is meant
To be happening
Somehow I feel
Responsible like
I made it happen
Like I made things
Die before they
Ever got a chance
To live and love
And bleed and die
Chapter 822: Things I Am Afraid Of
Chapter Text
Some things I am
Afraid of are:
Nosebleeds;
Stubbing my toe;
A brick wall;
Staring at my
Bare arms
For too long;
An uneven
Fist-sized rock;
Scissors and
Knives and
A pencil
Sharpener;
Broken glass;
A high bridge
Or clifftop;
A busy road
At night;
My reflection
In the mirror;
My own mind;
And myself.
Chapter 823: Sleeping Within
Chapter Text
It settles over me
Like a heavy blanket
It's like I can see
In my mind's eye
The grey dust
Drifting down onto
My head and arms
And legs until
I am covered by it
And I know that
I am just tired
But all I want is
To snuggle down
Pull the blanket
Up to my chin
And wallow in it
Go to sleep
Feeling nothing
And being okay
With being asleep
On the inside
Long before my
Body follows suit
Chapter 824: Anxiety vs Depression
Chapter Text
Anxiety is checking three times that I have everything before I leave
Depression is not stepping foot outside for days on end
Anxiety is making sure my hair is neat and tidy when I meet people
Depression is not showering for several days or even a week
Anxiety is planning ahead for every possible outcome
Depression is not wanting to do anything even the basic essentials
Anxiety is fearing that it's all going to go wrong somehow
Depression is hoping things will go wrong so I have an excuse
Anxiety is believing everyone is talking about me and staring
Depression is believing that no one cares or would notice if I left
Chapter 825: Dear Old Oak Tree
Chapter Text
Please will you carry these words
From me into the far future to
The person many years from now
Who sits down against your trunk
And feels the ripples of your bark
Who looks up through green leaves
To view the blue sky peeking between
The one who sighs and rests their head
Upon your roots and makes their bed
Out in this greenness and wild world
That you inhabit beside the wind and
The rain and the flowers and the moss
Please whisper with your branches
As they rustle in that gentle breeze
The secret words you have told to me
Those tales of long ago peoples who
Now only exist in your long memory
The sights you have witnessed occur
The changes you have grieved over
The lives lived and died around you
Small and tall living creatures that
Surround you all the days of your life
Running along your limbs and crawling
Across your leaves and digging there
Beneath your roots in the firm soils
That you call home with many others
Will you watch the last of us fall?
Or will we make you fall before we do?
I'm sorry if your stories end before
You can tell them again to someone
Who listens close and holds their breath
Until your murmurings have ceased
And the quiet returns with the past
Imparted to the present of the future.
Will you tell them for me? Tell them
We are sorry and tell them that they
Were right before it is too late and
All the greenness goes away forever
Chapter 826: I Am Confusing?
Chapter Text
The man looked confused
He looked me up and down
Then asked with a raised brow:
"What are you?" And I replied
"I am me, who else would I be?"
But that only seemed to make
Him frown more and his
Bemused puzzlement grow
Chapter 827: In The Graveyard
Chapter Text
I walk among the graves
Across this place lined
With markers of age
Time like a river flows
Throughout this land
These stones pronounce
It's solemn passings by
With words we can no
Longer speak nor spell
The rain soaks the grass
Beneath the cold grey
Of this stone forest
That reaches up for
The grey sky above
Here and there they
Have fallen to the earth
Toppled like great trees
But they do not crumble
Into dust so easily
Instead they lie there
Stunned and dismayed
Doomed to stare up
At the heavens and
Not to point to them again
And the thousands of
Names once softly spoken
Above a newborn's head
Now condemned to the ivy
That covers their letters
This place is not peaceful
Not quiet nor calm at all
But it is deserted like
An island in the middle
Of this bustling city
As if the business of the
Living dare not intrude
Upon the resting dead
And their given place
Other feet do not tread here
Along the tangled paths
Covered by moss and no
Other souls wander this way
Out of curiosity or idleness
They come to whisper
Memories then go again
They come to greet one
Upright stone or another
Never pausing to consider
The lives these markers cover
Even the birds keep to
The edges where the trees
Blur the line between the
World of life and death
Their calls disrupt the chaos
The nearby road and train
Tracks bring to this space
Yet despite it all there is
A weight felt standing here
Amongst the dead and gone
Those long since moved on
Who rest their earthly heads
Sleep their bones under
The earth and grass and
Headstones and my feet
They slumber as if they
Are waiting to awaken some
Momentous day or on one
Ordinary day such as this
So I like to linger here with
Them who know the past
That I so often seek and
Sometimes I like to imagine
That if I listen closely and
Hold my breath long enough
That all their secrets and
All their stories will come
Springing up along the
Snowdrops and daffodils
So that I can learn their
Names not from cold stone
But from their lives lived
And hearts loved and
Eyes that saw more than
I could ever witness alive
So I pause here among
The ranks of graves and
Listen just in case one
Of them is whispering in
The hope that someone
Will stop and hear them
Chapter 828: Conversings
Chapter Text
I fancy some ice cream.
What, like you've not had enough sugar today?
Leave me alone.
You know it's true.
I don't care.
Liar!
I don't care enough then. It makes me feel better.
It's just another drug that you're addicted to.
So what if it is?
You're weak.
For choosing the better option? I don't think I am.
For choosing the safe option.
Yeah safe and sound, that's me.
Don't try to deny it, you want to be in danger.
Maybe I do, I don't deny that.
But?
But I know that I don't have to be.
Because people care. About you? Don't make me laugh.
I hope that they do, but maybe I don't do it for them.
Do what? You never do anything anymore.
Fine, then I don't do it for them.
Then why exactly are you eating ice cream at 10pm?
For myself.
Well it's not for your waistline, that's for sure.
It makes me happy and it doesn't hurt me.
Being overweight doesn't hurt you?
Not like bruises or cuts or burns do.
Don't exaggerate, you've only burned yourself once.
And how many times have I given myself bruises?
Lots.
And cuts.
Many many more.
So can I please just pick ice cream over a blade for once without you criticising me?
No.
Why not?
Because it's my job. To make you better. Make you less pathetic.
I'm pathetic for enjoying some ice cream and some quiet time to myself on a relaxing evening.
Yes. You should be working, not lazing about, stuffing your face like you have been all day.
That's your opinion.
And it's yours too.
Maybe some part of me, yes.
But?
But the rest of my knows the truth that you deny.
Which is what exactly?
That it's okay, good even, to be kind to myself.
To laze about instead of working on your degree?
Not just that, but to allow myself to enjoy things that make me happy.
Including ice cream at 10pm.
Including ice cream at 10pm. Aren't I allowed a break, even just for a little bit?
A whole day?
Even a whole day, maybe more. I've worked hard lately.
So you're allowed to sit around doing nothing for hours on end?
I'm not doing nothing, I'm relaxing and rewarding my hard work with free time and doing things I enjoy.
If that's what you want to call it, fine. But we both know that you believe what I'm saying too.
Maybe I do, but right now I'm not listening to you.
Yes you are.
No I'm not, because I am going to get that ice cream and I'm going to watch TV until midnight just to spite you.
...
Chapter 829: Naked Wrists
Chapter Text
I have this thing
About naked wrists
And when I watch
Cop shows on TV
I'm always fascinated
By the moments
When people get
Cuffed and the
Camera zooms on
Their bare wrists
So visible and so
Very plain looking
Before cold metal
Closes around them
I check them every
Time for the signs
Just like I check
Everyone's that
I meet but it's so
Not often that
I can see them
Since as I should
Know it can be
So normal to wear
Long sleeves for
Most days a week
Chapter 830: Trusting You
Chapter Text
I am not someone
Who trusts easily
But I do trust you
Which is not ideal
It makes things so
Messy and ties you
To stuff you shouldn't
But it's too late now
I can't stop it now
I've tried not trusting
You and I've tried
Hating and even
Being afraid of you
But it doesn't matter
I can't separate the
Part of me that has
Made the decision
To trust you with
The part that knows
What it will do and
What it could cost
Us both - this trust
It scares me honestly
It scares me to be
So willing to forgive
Like I have forgiven
People before who
Maybe I shouldn't
I trust you and it
Gives us both the
Power to hurt one
Another without
Meaning to and also
By meaning to but
I don't know which
Of those I fear more
That I would hurt
You intentionally or
Otherwise side by
Side with the quiet
Timid fear that you
Can hurt me and
I will let you and
I will forgive you
Because I am not
Someone who trusts
Easily and when
I have given my
Trust to someone
I don't know how
To take it back again
Chapter 831: True Relaxation
Chapter Text
True relaxation
Takes work
It is not idleness
In fact it is
Closer to the
Opposite
It is instead
Choosing to
Partake in
Activities which
Are relaxing
Which are
Enjoyable
Or soothing
Activities which
Are the opposite
Of stressful or
Harmful in any way
For some this is easy
For some this is almost
Too easy at times
But for a few this
Choice to relax
Takes effort
So much effort
And results in
Relaxation that
Is not as restful nor
Restorative as it
Perhaps ought to be
It is easier to work
Until a crash
When doing nothing
Is required and
Unavoidable but
Then that too is
Not true relaxation
Just a mimicry
Of calm and quiet
Chapter 832: Tiptoeing
Chapter Text
I have to be so careful.
I tiptoe through the world
Not daring to disturb
Dust that would make
Me choke or to make
Too much noise that
Could disturb others.
Every step is as quiet
As I can make it and
I hold my breath until
I can no longer hear it.
All I am becomes a void.
A hollow lack of sound.
I am an absence of
Perception in this place.
I am the shadow that
Is never noticed or
Acknowledged and
I think that I want it
To be this way because
It is easier to be silent.
To ignore the noise
When I am not making
Any of my own and
It is easier to push
Away everything that
Presses on my senses
Than only some parts.
So I continue to tiptoe
Afraid to make a sound
Walking as if a monster
Is always listening and
Waiting to pounce..
Chapter 833: Shadows of Lights
Chapter Text
So tonight is a night
When I do not feel safe
So I went for a walk
To try and find the stars
But the clouds rolled in
And covered them up
Until all that remained
Was a shadow of the moon
And I must admit that
I feel like a shadow too
Chapter 834: Make It Stop
Chapter Text
My hands won’t stop
My feet won’t stop
They're tapping and
Dancing to a music
No one can hear
My limbs won’t stop
My head won’t stop
Flailing and jerking
Like a puppet on
Strings that seem to be
Electrified somehow
I can’t make it stop
I can’t make them stop
But I couldn’t sleep so
I decided to stay awake
Hoping that in the morning
The exhaustion would
Calm the pace of my heart
But it has not and now
I can feel all my nerves
Singing like they’ve been
Plucked like violin strings
They resonate inside me
I can feel them vibrating
Humming with some energy
That I cannot control nor
Direct nor make shut off
I am so jittery I cannot
Be still for even a moment
And I can’t make it stop
Chapter 835: I Hate This
Chapter Text
I hate that I don't know
Why this is happening to me
I hate that I'm not sure
What is happening in my head
I hate that I don't know
How to sort this by myself
I hate that I'm not certain
If I will make it through okay
I hate that I'm not in control
Chapter 836: Dark Creativity
Chapter Text
I have lost count
Of the number of
Ways I have found
To hurt myself
From setting alarms
Every hour through
The night to deprive
Me of my sleep or
To a sharpener blade
Simple and so sweet
From punching a
Wall or a tree or
Hitting myself with
A small rock to
Flicking an elastic
Band with deadly
Accuracy against
My wrist or simply
Not eating or purging
My stomach if I do
From scratching
My arm or biting
My fingers or chewing
My lip or digging
My fingernails into
The back of my hands
To holding my hand
Above a lit candle
Or under a stream
Of boiling water to
Scald the flesh pink
Or hold my palm
Atop a radiator until
The skin glistened
I have used paper
And broken glass
To slice at my skin
I have used old nails
I found on the ground
I have used the sharp
Point of a compass
And my own fingernails
To carve letters out
Of the flesh of my arms
I have pulled my hair
And pinched my skin
I have slammed desk
Drawers onto my fingers
I have kicked stone steps
Even thrown myself down
Staircases on occasion
I've trapped my foot in
A door jam on purpose
I have used alcohol
And coffee and sugar
To simulate the highs
I have taken boiling
Hot showers for hours
And walked barefoot
In the snow without
A coat on winter nights
I have ran and ran and
Ran until I thought my
Lungs would burst
And done sit ups until
My muscles burned
I've not drunk enough
Water and drunk way
Too much as well and
I've drunk things that
Made me vomit or
Eaten things that will
Give me heartburn
I have stabbed and
Slashed and struck
I have beat and bled
And bit and tore and
Pulled and pushed
I've had bruises and
More cuts than I could
Ever begin to count
I've had a scattering
Of burns and many
Many scratches then
There's the damage
Inflicted that's less
Noticeable and far
More permanent like
The acid reflux I still
Deal with after months
Of puking my guts up
Several years ago now
Or the way my hands
Start shaking if I haven't
Eaten anything for a
Few days or slept more
Than a few hours a night
My creativity blooms
Like the blossoming of
A droplet of dark blood
Into a still clear blue lake
Of pure mountain water
Dark and sadistic and
Purposefully painful
I can come up with so
Many possibilities it
Would be impossible to
Stop me so I must be
Responsible and halt
My own imagination
To find a way to turn
Harm into healing and
Put a stop to the hurting
Burn my little black book
Of creative methodology
Notes:
Do NOT use this as a to-do/how-to list.
Chapter 837: Continue To Fight
Chapter Text
I should not have to fight so hard
Just to stay alive, just to stay healed
It’s exhausting and I am so very tired
But I keep fighting even when I don’t
Know why or how or what I’m fighting
It should not be so difficult to be safe
When I am alone in my room by myself
I should not be struggling to survive
Each day without gaining a new wound
I am so tired of fighting to continue
To fight to fight the fight I need to
Because if I don’t then I’m dead
And I’m so done with this warzone
That is the inside of my head and
I want this battle to be over but
I promised those I care for more
Than I could ever care about myself
I promised I would try to fight and
To let them fight with or even for me
When I have no fight left to stay safe
To stay alive and have some peace
Chapter 838: Look And See
Chapter Text
I have the sight
To see that all
Can be two things
Good and bad
Light and dark
All at once and
At the same time
A flower can be
Beautiful but
Its thorns can
Prick or its leaves
Be poison and
The sun that sets
Can create sweet
Colours that spill
Across the heavens
But the light is
So bright it can
Burn the eyes
A run can be
Healthy and well
Meant but a run
Every day until
The legs shake
Is a slow death
Food is for survival
And as such required
But it can cause
As much damage
With its fats and
Sugar highs as
Not eating anything
For hours might
Spending some time
Watching tv can
Often be good
Be a restful and
Relaxing break
From everything
But if all day is
Spent lying in bed
Then what good
Could there be left
Heat can be soothing
The cold can be
Invigorating but
Too much or too
Little of each can
Be devastating
Alcohol can be fun
But also so deadly
Reading is beneficial
But strains the eyes
And causes headaches
Music played loud
Through headphones
Glued to each ear
Can be so freeing
A release from fear
But blast it too long
At too high a volume
And any hearing
Might not recover
So do you see now
How pretty things
Can be deadly if
You look closer
And how that which
Heals can burn or
Poison you if you
Take the wrong dose s
Chapter 839: Different Must Be Bad.
Chapter Text
I do know that being
Different is a bad thing
Yes I am learning now
That it can be good too
But I need it to be bad.
I need it to be the
Reason why they
Did everything that
They did back then
Because I was not
Normal and they knew
Even if I didn't really.
I need being different
To be a bad thing
To explain it and give
All those memories
Defined edges so I
Can box them away.
Does that make any
Sense or am I crazy?
Let me try to explain
My logic: if different
Isn't a bad thing then
Why did they hurt me
And call me names
And hate me so much.
If different isn't bad
Then I don't understand
Then I can't make sense
Even twisted logic fails
If I don't have that
Baseline of different
Equals something bad.
I can believe it when
People I believe care
About me now say to
Me that different is
Not a bad thing and
They tell me all the
Good things it can be.
I do believe them but
I also have to believe
That different is bad
To protect my sanity.
Chapter 840: Growing Dark In My Head
Chapter Text
It's growing dark
Inside my head
Like it’s late on a
Winter afternoon
When the clouds
Are drawing in
And the sun has
Dipped below the
Horizon never
To be seen again
All that's left is
Dark and cold
Black and grey
I want to sleep
This night away
Chapter 841: Stay Afloat
Chapter Text
I'm the kind of bastard
Who in my desperation
And panic will grab onto
Someone else when
I am drowning to help
Stay afloat and I don't
Seem to notice or care
When I drag them under
To keep my head above
The water but at some
Point I realise and let go
Swearing I will never
Again use a human as
A life raft but then time
Passes by and I forget
And I start drowning again
Chapter 842: Confusion
Chapter Text
My body is so confused right now
It doesn't know if it is awake or asleep
Tired, exhausted or perfectly okay
It does know if it's happy or sad
Or just numb and feeling nothing
It doesn't know if it's hungry at all
Even though logic says it should be
My brain feels like it's wrapped in fog
Distant and misty, I can't hear it clearly
I don't know what it's saying to me
I don't know what it wants, what I want
I'm a bundle of confusion nestled
Inside a body that is muddled beyond
Comprehension or explanation now
Chapter 843: Tell Me What To Do
Chapter Text
I just don't know what to do
Please just tell me what to do
I'm stuck forever in this limbo
Weighing up the pros and cons
Deliberating over all my options
Unable to make a decision
So please just tell me what
I need to do and I will do it
Tell me what I should be doing
So I can at least do something
Chapter 844: Speak
Chapter Text
Have you ever been trapped
Inside your own head? Stuck
There with all your thoughts
Swirling around you like a
Hurricane and you can't make
It stop? Don’t you just want
Someone to talk to you? To
Make you hear something
Other than the chaos inside?
To give you a safety line back
To reality and the world they
Inhabit? To ground you and
Stop you from floating away?
Have you ever been trapped
And wishing for someone
To just pause for a minute
To speak and save the day?
Chapter 845: A Sharpener Blade
Chapter Text
I know the exact size of a sharpener blade
I would know it blindfolded
It's shape with one sharp edge
Sometimes with curved corners
Or other all pointed angles
It's weight is so light almost like
It can't do that much damage
But I know that is a lie just
Like I know how it feels to
Spin it in my fingers with
The soft pads pressed into
That little hole where the tiny
Screw used to sit before
I removed it with vigour
In my mind's eye I can still
Flip it across my fingers
Tap it in time with my heartbeat
I know how perfectly its surface
Can reflect sunlight onto
A wall or smooth surface
And how well the red blood
Shows up against the silver
It can shine with some light
Of its own as it rests there
In my palm like it's playing dead
Acting inanimate and pretending
To be a clean and innocent tool
But it lost that ability once
It becomes rusted a dirty red
I extracted it from its casings
Some made of metal but most
Of plastic often flimsy under pressure
The blunt side is the perfect width
To unscrew the tiny rivet that
Holds another of its kind in place
You can never have too many
They can be hidden everywhere
Inside pens was always my favourite
Or tucked inside a folded tissue
Then placed carefully inside a bag
Or pushed into the bottom of a pencil case
I once hid one inside my tie
It's so light and bright which
Disguises its cutting edge
The bite it would offer me
I can never forget
Chapter 846: Living Inside My Head
Chapter Text
I never tell my parents
What it's really like
Living inside my head
I don't tell my little sister
Either but then maybe
That makes more sense
As the older sibling
I am supposed to
Protect her from life
Okay so she knows
That not everything
Is perfect all the time
Both from snippets
Of conversations we
Have had sometimes
And also unfortunately
From experiences in
Her own real life
I realise I can't shield
Her from all that is
Dark in this world
But if we both maintain
The illusion that we're
Both sane and okay
Then maybe we can
Feel a little less guilty
That we can't hide
Each other from pain
Not all of it but just
This little bit of ours
I've always had issues
With surrendering
My control to others
I like to know who knows
What about me and
My goings on in life
To control the spread
Of information and
Who is in the loop
I have good cause to
Be hesitant to trust
Those who trade such
Private personal info
Without my consent
No matter the reasons
Trust is not something
I do very easily and
This is learned behaviour
I have been taught by
My interactions to not
Surrender my thoughts
If people want to know
What is going on inside
My head then they must
Prove they won't abuse
That gift of knowledge
Nor hurt me by supposing
That they understand or
Can solve it all in a blink
It's hard to trust people
Who think that if I tried
Just a little bit harder
Or had the right strategy
That everything would
Be magically better and
My life more like others
As I'm writing this
I'm realising that this
Is how I view them too
My parents are problem
Solvers like many others
That I know and love
And my perspective is
Different it has to be
Because I have to face
My own reality in a way
That they just can't
Can't understand my life
The day to day existence
That is hard and takes
Effort just to survive
As much as I know and
I do believe they know
There is no simple cure
I do think we're all just
Still searching for that
Special potion or spell
That could make it all
Easier to make better
To take away the strain
And I don't think that's
Unique to those who
Struggle with their brains
So I don't tell my parents
What my life is really
Consisting of these days
Because maybe I want
To shield them and let
Them hope when I can't
To pray for a miracle
I know is never coming
And I can accept that
They cannot accept
So many parts of me
And it's okay really
But it means that they
Don't get to hear it all
Not every detail that
I might admit under torture
Or in those tired hours
When my brain thinks
And thinks and doesn't
Ever stop wondering
How I think so much
I love them and my
Sister and it's okay
But I don't have to
Tell them everything
About every day of
Living in my head
Chapter 847: New Chapter Again
Chapter Text
So there it is
The ultimatum
Some part of me
Knew was coming
That door is shut
Locked and barred
Against me now
And I must move
On and strike out
My own path for
Once in my life
How many times
Must I get the same
Speech about lines
Being crossed and
Boundaries needed
I fall into the same
Trap time and time
Again because I trust
And care and blur
The lines between
Respect and trust
And responsibility
And requirement
I have to get better
If not for me then
For those around me
I need to stop accepting
The shadows as a part
Of light and a part of life
To fight even when
I don’t have to be
And to fight for more
When I need to be
Chapter 848: Resolved
Chapter Text
Right now I have resolve
Resolve to work hard
To fight and keep fighting
Resolve to do better
To not make the same
Mistakes again next time
I know that resolve will fade
As I forget this rawness
Of emotions I am feeling
As distance grows between
Me and these events
I will forget this resolve
I will make the same errors
That I have made this time
And I have made before
I wonder if this pattern
Is a breakable one or
If this is just my life on loop
I am resolved to this
That I will hurt the people
That I care about and
That I will be hurt by
Myself and by them
After I have hurt them
More than they can take
Maybe I should not be
So resolved to suffering
Be so tolerant of a life
Full of pain and fear
I should not so easily
Accept my existence
As a tortured soul
Nor value my being
As a measure of damage
So I am resolved too
Resolved to change things
To at least try for once
Try for a little while
Until I forget and need
Another painful kick
Up the backside again
I am resolved to try
If not for me then
For everyone I’ve hurt
And will hurt if I don’t
Start to work and
Show some change
To prove my resolve
Chapter 849: Splashing
Chapter Text
I was so focused
On riding the rapids
And not drowning
That I didn't notice
How many others
Were getting caught
In the spray of my
Frantic splashing
Chapter 850: Who Am I Without Pain?
Chapter Text
I like to think of myself
As so alone in the world
So damaged and hurt
Broken by the world
As if I can't manage
On my own or that
I am not valid if I can
Cope with being alive
Like all the pain is
Worth it if it shows
I am who I think I am
That I am broken and
That defines my identity
Who I am is a struggle
I am the fight and yet
Somehow nothing more
If I define myself as
A soldier then I have
No role if the war is
Ever over so I don't
Fight to end the battle
I fight to survive until
The next one comes
Just like I never planned
On life beyond age
Twenty I never look
Beyond the next fight
Never thought about
Who or what I am
Or could be if I ever
Stopped fighting for
Every second just
To breathe and maybe
Actually managed
To heal a little bit
I don't understand
Who I am outside
Of all these troubles
All I am is a pile of
Validated sufferings
If they are not seen
Acknowledged and
Perceived by others
Then they weren't
Real and I wasn't in
Any pain or danger
It was all in my head
Chapter 851: Want To Flee
Chapter Text
I have to fight the urge to run away
The desire to just flee from here
To go home to those who should
Be caring for me and away from
Those I’ve forced to take care of me
To avoid all the difficult interactions
That are coming in the near future
All the complex emotions that I am
So poorly equipped to deal with
To just go home and be loved is
Such a powerful thing to want
But I know as much as the pull
Is strong my fear over staying here
Is stronger and all I am is a coward
Who pretends they want to be free
Chapter 852: Unqualified
Chapter Text
You tell me how
You’re not qualified
To try and deal with
All this – deal with me
And I just want to scream
Neither am I and yet
The difference is that
I don’t have a choice
Here, I have to try
And deal with it all
Where as you can
Do what you need
To protect yourself
And walk away if
That is the only option
I have left open to you
It doesn’t matter how
Much you might care
For me and how much
You might want to
Help me deal with
Everything but you
Have the option to
Walk away and just
Because I wouldn’t
Even if I did doesn’t
Mean that you shouldn’t
Or that I hate that you did
Chapter 853: I Messed Up
Chapter Text
I messed up
I hurt some
People that
I care about
And I didn’t
Mean to but
In some ways
That doesn’t
Matter much
They still got
Hurt and it
Is still my fault
So I made a
Mistake but
It is one that
I have made
So many times
Already and
I never seem
To truly learn
I am sorry
But apologies
Are empty
Without proof
Of change and
Unless I change
More people
Are going to
Get hurt as well
Words mean
Nothing without
Actions and
I do know this
I search for it
Out there beyond
Myself but so
Often forget to
Check my own
Words and actions
Match each other
I messed up and
The hardest part
Is that I can’t fix
The mess I made
I can’t make it
Right or repair
What I’ve broken
It’s just done now
In the past but
Not so far away
That I can’t forget
I need to remember
So that I won’t
Make this mistake
Again I hope but
I hurt people who
Have tried to help
Me and who I care
So much about
But I have hurt
Them and have
Been hurting them
So I don’t get to
Ask forgiveness
Or to push the
Boundaries they
Have been forced
To solidly plant
I need to respect
Them now even
If it’s arguably
Too late because
I can at least do
The right thing
After I’ve been
Shown how much
I’ve been doing
Wrong recently
I can learn but
Maybe it just
Takes a while
Maybe it takes
A few more
Broken and
Worn relationships
Before I get the
Message clearly
I can offer excuses
And apologies
So meaningfully
But I can no longer
Avoid responsibility
For my own actions
For being selfish
For being wrong
For disrespecting
Those I care for
And those who
Also care for me
I hurt people
And I’m so sorry
But it doesn’t
Make any difference
Not any more
We must all move on
I must let them
Move on and
Have space to
Breathe again
To make sure
I breathe alone
And do not steal
The air from others
I will not mess up
I will let them heal
And I will fight
To heal myself too
Chapter 854: Repeat
Chapter Text
You’ve been here before
You know the routine
Take three steps forward
And then six steps back
Dance along this worn-out path
And don’t you ever forget
To never look back
Chapter 855: Encroachment
Chapter Text
It happens so slowly
Almost like a glacier
Moving over months
Gradually creeping
Forward and past
The line that had
Previously been drawn
And you can't tell
How far beyond it
You've already gone
Until you look back
And are horrified
To see that you have
Been miles behind
Enemy lines for days
Maybe even weeks
Chapter 856: Ready To Be Done
Chapter Text
I just want it to be over
I’m ready to be done
I’ve spent the past few weeks
Stressing about endings
But when the moment
Arrived I wasn’t ready at all
And now I am left waiting
For the closing of the book
Not just a chapter’s final words
The disillusionment is gone
Like a fog has lifted and my
Clarity has returned just
So that my vision can clearly
See the carnage around me
And my own bloody hands
Truth is brutal and harsh
But like a knife can be useful
It reveals exactly where
I need to heal and precisely
Where I have been bleeding
For months without knowing
Now I have enough answers
I won’t pretend I have them all
But it’s like this narrative
Has surrendered all its spoilers
There are no surprises left
No twist endings to thrill
Just the simple neat conclusion
To tie these pages in a bow
So I can close the book now
I am ready for this to be done
Chapter 857: You Worked It Out
Chapter Text
I wonder when it was for you
When was the moment
When the fog cleared and
The sun came out and you
Saw me clearly for the first time
How was it when you sat
And worked through all my lies
Actually considered my words
Turned them over in your head
Thought about the situations
I had manufactured for us both
I don’t remember seeing any
Expression of dawning realisation
On your face last time we met
So maybe it was later that night
Perhaps as you sat at home
Or even lay in your bed and
Mused over your day then did
The pieces start to align and
You noticed which ones had
Jagged edges and failed to fit
With the rest I had presented
The holes in my arguments
And the many flaws in my logic
Suddenly lit up before you
Once the light began to shine
The shadows fell apart like
Kindling turning to smoke
You knew more of the truth
Than I even did right then
You had worked out what
Was happening when I still
Didn’t know and was operating
As if all plans were in place
All lies and falsehoods intact
Undamaged and unquestioned
Then you tore it all down
And ripped apart the stories
I had told to you and myself
And I am left here now musing
When did you make the connection
When did everything fall apart
And when was the moment that
You knew how to free us both
Chapter 858: My Future
Chapter Text
I can’t see where I’m going
The path ahead that was
Always so clear before
Has shattered into pieces
The stepping stones I foresaw
Have drifted apart on ocean
Currents I cannot control
Maybe this is still possible
But now it will take so much
More work than I thought
Just because it won’t be easy
Doesn’t mean I have to give up
I have to keep on trying
Reach for the sky and fly
Don’t just step but leap
The way forward is clear
I’m just scared to walk far
Enough to see past the fog
Scared to take that step
Out into the unknown
Beyond what I have known
Into a world that I can
Barely comprehend but
Must survive and thrive in
A world where I am not
Alone but not a child anymore
Responsible for myself
For walking forward along
The invisible path I cannot see
But have to believe is there
Like others have assured me
Chapter 859: Lonely Life
Chapter Text
All my dreams
Have been about
Not being alone
Imagining a twin
A best friend for
My whole life long
A boyfriend and
Then a girlfriend
A partner to experience
Everything beside
Always hand in hand
Or colleagues to share
Any burdens among
I have pictured
My perfect friend
Ultimate companion
So many times
And though I never
See their face or
Know them at all
I love them so
But those are just
Dreams and fantasies
Make-believe no
More true than
Fairy tales or myths
They are my own
Personal fables
Tales I will tell
Myself to help
Me go to sleep
They soothe my
Injured aching soul
Somehow cleansing
The lonely parts of me
Until the dream ends
And my eyes open
To see the empty
Room I always inhabit
And the lonely life
So different to my
Distant imaginings
To be anything more
Than the person alone
In a crowded place
I don’t know if I can
Still believe there is
A soulmate out there
Waiting for me to
Click with like destiny
All I want is a relationship
Where I am first choice
If that doesn’t sound
Too selfish to those
Who have never been
Anyone’s second or
Third or fourth choice
Not romance or sex
I would prefer platonic
But what I need is
Company and to know
That I don’t have to
Go through life alone
With no one to share
All my thoughts and
Precious moments
Other than these
Silent blank four walls
That now stare at me
Chapter 860: Illusions Shattered
Chapter Text
Have you ever had the moment
When an illusion shatters and
You're standing there staring
At all the broken pieces lying
About you and so you fall to
Your knees among the chaos
Frantically trying to repair it
To put the pieces back together
And though the sharp edges
Nick your fingers and there
Are more fragments than you
Could ever count you still try
Head bent low over your work
Until you can make out an image
Tinted red with your own blood
And full of jagged lines where
The cracks are showing through
And as your tears gather and
Roll down your cheeks the
Image clears and you realise
That you've been staring at your
Damaged fractured reflection
Irreparably distorted forever
Chapter 861: My Person
Chapter Text
My sister is the only person with
Whom I would share my TikTok feed
The only one who knows what
Fanfiction I write and read and
The only one, with a couple of
Exceptions, who I let read my poetry
They are the person that I think of
When I see a funny meme online
Or when learn a new cool fact
They are who I go to ramble at
And they just smile and let me be
They are the person who I love
Most in all the world and
Who I am reminded of when
I see beauty in a flower’s petals
Or the glowing colours of a sunset
They make me happy to be here
To be me and to be their sister
They are my person even if
I am not always theirs forever
Chapter 862: Rage-less
Chapter Text
I want that
Righteous anger
That ability
To be indignant
About bad things
That have been
Done to me
To rage at
People who
Have hurt me
But all I feel
Is sad and sorry
Chapter 863: Line In The Sand
Chapter Text
There is a line in the sand
And I know where it is, I swear
But in a storm it disappears
And I lose my ability to care
Chapter 864: These Lines
Chapter Text
There has always been two lines
One on your side and one on mine
And it wasn’t until I stepped over yours
That I realised I had left mine far behind
There have always been two lines
One that I would cross and one that you would not
And every time I forgot everything
I stepped over the line that you had placed
There has always been two lines
The one over here and the one over there
And they stay that far apart even once
I start walking from one to the other
There have always been two lines
The one that should not be crossed
And then the one that cannot be crossed
I always manage to mix up the two
There has always been two lines
Yours and mine but there are no labels
And I get confused as to which one
I drew and which one you carved out
There have always been two lines
Your one is just before you reach me
And mine is just before I hurt you
I always cross mine but you never do
There are so many lines all the time
I trip over them so often they blur together
The ones I drew and then regretted
Then the ones you drew and I ignored
There are too many lines to keep straight
Inside my head where I see them when
My eyes are closed they look so clear
Clear cut and raw like open wounds
There should only be one line I think
The one that means things will change
The one that when I cross by mistake
Means that things will never be the same
There have been many lines for you too
The ones you kept drawing after I had
Stumbled across the ones you’d already made
Then the one that tripped me so that I fell
But there has always been the line
That I never even knew existed until
I looked up and saw you neatly behind it
As if you’d never considered crossing it
The line that you drew to say enough
The one you said goodbye from beyond
The one that I had to wait at to watch
You walk away from all these lines I trip on
Chapter 865: Live Long
Chapter Text
May I be blunt for a moment?
I never thought that I would
Get this far, I never thought
That I would live past twenty.
I knew that university would
Give me opportunity and
I always assumed that when
Faced with the ability that
I wouldn’t be able to resist.
I thought that I would not
Live past my first year but
Covid meant that I was home.
I very nearly didn’t survive
My second year, my first year
Properly doing university alone.
Now I’m here and it’s almost over.
And I’m faced with planning
For a future I never planned on.
There were plans and hopes
And dreams and ideas, certainly.
But I thought they were silly
Hopeless foolish naïve dreams.
That could never ever happen.
I’m staring my twenties in the face
And wondering what to do next
What to do with this life I still
Somehow possess and have
Fought so hard to keep – more
Than I ever thought I could fight.
I was stronger than I knew but
Am I strong enough to continue?
Chapter 866: Bad Weather
Chapter Text
There is no such thing
As 'bad weather'
There is sad weather
And mad weather
Angry roaring raging
Weather that shakes
Your bones and
There is glad weather
Happy shining bright
Weather that makes
Your heart sing
It's all a matter of
Perspective and
Whether you are
Standing in the rain
Or snow with a smile
On your face or
A frown in your head
But there is no such
Thing as 'bad weather'.
Chapter 867: Not Bedtime Yet
Chapter Text
It’s approaching midnight but
I’m not ready to go to sleep yet
My mind is too full of ideas still
My body brimming with energy
That tingles at my fingertips
I am feeling way too alive to
Resign myself to slumber now
I can go anywhere I please
My burning imagination is
My only limit and I am free
The world is endless before me
And the sky is so open tonight
I could reach out and touch
The stars if I chose to do so
I might sound crazy and in
Need of sleep to settle me
But right now I am exhilarated
By possibility and not at all
Constrained by this reality
So I am not going to bed yet
I have an entire universe to see
Chapter 868: You Were Right
Chapter Text
I just want to say
That you were right
And that doesn't
Mean you didn't
Hurt me or that
Pain magically
Goes away but
It does mean you
Don't need my
Forgiveness or
Absolvement of
Any guilt or regret
Trust that I have
Regretted enough
For both of us and
Maybe I'm trying
To excuse your
Actions and words
Trying to reason
Out a logic in them
To appease the
Questions and the
Hurt they caused
I might be telling
Myself you were
Correct to do and
Say what you did
To remove my own
Guilt as well but
Either way even if
I'm lying to myself
And to you again
Believe it when
I say you were right
Chapter 869: My Brain
Chapter Text
You have no idea
What it's like to
Exist inside my head
Live with my brain
With all it's madness
The dazzling lights
That sparkle so bright
And the darkest pit of
Shadow to match them
Chapter 870: Frowns & Smiles
Chapter Text
They say frowning
Uses more muscles
Than a smile and
That makes sense
Since your brows
Can move in so
Many directions
And make such
Interesting shapes
Yet your smile can
Only grow wider
But that's still not
A reason for you
Not to smile more
In fact try smiling
With your eyebrows!
Chapter 871: If
Chapter Text
If it helps at all
I figured out what
Went wrong in our
Last interaction
And what was the
Disconnect in our
Communication.
If it makes you
Feel better I know
What I didn't say
That I should've
Said and what
I would say if
We could play
The scene again.
If it would make
A difference I can
Show you that
I've changed and
That I'm really
Trying to change
As if doing it
Without you is
Proving a point.
Chapter 872: I Have Started Anti-Depressants.
Chapter Text
I have started anti-depressants.
This is a statement that is yet to be true.
It nearly is, I have been prescribed them.
I have them in my possession ready.
Ready to take when I wake tomorrow.
It has all happened so quickly.
Faster than I could process.
Two doctors appointments and done.
Appointments I am so proud to have made.
The doctor was so confident.
So assured that this was right.
That I did need help to manage.
That it wasn't all in my head.
That my wellbeing was worth the aid.
I don't know what surprised me more.
Their support or mine for this.
I've always had such resentment.
Worry over side-affects and changes to myself.
But last month I realised differently.
That some things are worth the risk.
Are worth trying to fix and mend.
I know this is no magic cure.
And it might makes things worse for a while.
Before they can get better.
I have to be patient and persistent.
Not two of my greatest qualities.
But I can endure, I've had practice at that.
Right now it's raining, I’m walking in it.
A grey wet rain from grey dark skies.
And it seems so juxtaposed to my mood.
My mood of elation, exhilaration and pride.
Pride for taking the steps and asking for help.
And for even making it to the appointments at all.
In a strange building I had never entered before.
Stress, nor anxiety, seem to cover what I felt.
Sat there waiting for my name to be called.
But I did it and now I've got the result.
Medication that will help me do better.
Not just survive but thrive, I am hoping.
And that might be naive but still I am hoping.
I've read all the side-affects and stuff.
I've researched until my eyes ached.
My brain knows this is the right choice.
Though my heart is still nervous and scared.
Scared that this means I am broken.
Scared that this means I am a failure.
I have failed to cope on my own.
But I know this is not true, just lies.
This is how I heal and be better.
Not be normal or mended or fixed necessarily.
I am not normal, I know, nor will I ever be.
If normal was even a thing, I would not be it.
But what is normal is needing help.
From time to time, needing help is human.
And I am at least human, I can say that.
So I will accept this help I have been offered.
Accept it in order to help myself.
And in order to help those I care about too.
For their sake I took the steps so far.
For my own sake I will take these last few.
And keep trying, keep working to thrive.
Not just survive; so when I say:
I have started taking antidepressants.
I am so so glad.
Chapter 873: Today
Chapter Text
Today was a day
Of beginnings
And endings
Because I just
Finished my last
Ever seminar
For my degree
The last time
I will sit in a
Room solely
To discuss
Archaeology
At least for a
Little while
And symbolic
Of endings
Despite the
Assignments
Still due to
Be completed
This feels very
Final somehow
But today is
A beginning
Too because
This morning
I took my first
Dose of my new
Antidepressant
A first step to
Hopefully a
New chapter
In my life and
A time of some
Good things
It went unmarked
By all except me
And my sister
Who applauded
Unmentioned
And unsaid
But noted by
Me as welcome
A beginning to
Compliment
The ending
That is today
Chapter 874: All the people you’d ever met?
Chapter Text
If you had to shake the hand
Of everyone you had ever met
In your life then how long would
It take to shake them all again
Would your arm grow too tired
Before you met the final one
Would your skin grow calloused
From all the contact it would make
If you could line them all up
Make them stand side by side
And hold hands then would
They stretch around the world
Or would your line barely
Reach outside the door and
Down the hall across the road
And along the street a little way
If you had to list all their names
If we pretended for a moment
That you could possibly know
Them all and write them out
How many pages would your
List take and how many trees
Would be sacrificed to your
Pen’s ink and the names of
All the people you’d ever met?
Chapter 875: Firsts & Lasts
Chapter Text
In life sometimes
We are so aware
Of firsts that we
Often forget lasts
We remember and
Note the first time
We do something or
The first time we
Meet someone or
The first time we
Go somewhere but
Our lasts go unnoticed
Usually unmarked
But I am so aware
Of lasts right now
See my time is up and
My degree is done
And I have to leave this
Room that I have lived
For three years now
I look around and see
My firsts like ghosts
Even as I move through
My lasts in this place
My last time going to sleep
My last time waking up
My last time showering
My last time cooking
And by that I mean
Microwaving something
My last midnight fire alarm
Standing outside in the rain
My last essay written on
My laptop balanced on
My knees while in bed
My last time watering
My plants looking out of
The window at this view
My last time leaving and
Locking the door behind me
Chapter 876: Aliens Unite
Chapter Text
To everyone
Who has felt
Like an outsider
To everyone
Who has related
More with an
Alien than a
Human being
To everyone
Who feels like
They don't
Fit in or belong
To all those
Who don't
Understand
People sometimes
To all of us
Who feel alone
To all of us
Who feel so
Different from
The rest of
Humanity
Please know
That you are
Who makes
Us who we are
You are who
Makes being
Human exciting
Who makes
Life an adventure
Who creates
Our best fantasies
Who invents all
Our coolest things
I am so thankful
For your existence
For being yourself
Every day
So when I tell
You that you
Belong and
I am proud of you
Please believe
That you are home
And today is
A good day!
Chapter 877: Reality & Fantasy
Chapter Text
I like to imagine as
I bet most of us do
That I'd be a hero
One of the characters
You root for or pity
The ones that face
Down all the odds
Suffer horribly but
Somehow survive
Not unscathed of
Course they are made
Different in the struggle
But somehow remain
Intact and whole selves
I so often read stories
Of these epic battles and
Heart breaking scenes
The tears and the pain
That I pretend would
Not ever impact me
Like I would be stronger
Than the strongest
Protagonist any author
Could create when
Already I am proving
How little I understand
Life and love and fate
And duty and loyalty
And so my knowledge of
The boundary between
Illusion and truth is weak
And to be honest my grip
On reality is already
Pretty tenuous at best
So you see I would not be
Anyone’s heroine nor
Anybody's saviour really
I am not a soldier or
A fighter or a wild card
Just a girl unequipped
And unprepared who
Unlike those mythic
Characters could not
Hope to rise and meet
The challenges some
Author might think up
I may have managed
To make it through
What life has thrown
In my way so far but
I am under no illusion
That my own mental
Suffering in any way
Equates or equips
Me for warfare or
Torture or real loss
And I know that I know
Nothing of these things
Except from the stories
That I read and enjoy
Imagining in my head
I am so very lucky to
In reality never have
Had to test my sanity
Which is already a loose
Thread that I very much
Doubt would survive
Little testing before it
Would snap and leave
Me vulnerable against
Those blurred lines of
Sanity that already
Give me so much grief
And have often caused
Me trouble in the past
Those troublesome
Pesky lines between
Reality and fantasy
That my imagination
Likes to wander idly.
Chapter 878: Headlines
Chapter Text
I feel very scared of the world tonight
Every headline I see is of governments
Causing more harm than good and I am
Afraid of what it will lead to in the end
Already there is suffering from new laws
Already there is strife and fear like mine
Only more potent than my anxiousness
When will we say enough is enough and
When can we finally draw the line here
So I try my best to trust the internet as
A representation of humanity's possibility
Though sometimes it can horrify with
The potential for cruelty unmatched
I let it show me the kindness that exists
The decency and respect that survives still
Laughter is more healing than anything
Else as it soothes the jagged wounds left
From my anxiety of other human beings
It cannot remove it nor cleanse it but it
Can help me to endure and smile with
Every dog that loves too much or all
The cats in boxes and climbing on stuff
So this world somehow seems better like
It is a more hopeful and positive place
When you can smile at a phone screen
Even if you are alone in the darkness
Chapter 879: Rabbit Scratches
Chapter Text
In some ways
I hate it when
My rabbit will
Scratch me
The sting is
Unpleasant
And irritates
It distracts
My mind and
I find that so
Frustrating
How the marks
Can attract
My wandering
Idle fingers
Because in
Some ways
I love it when
My rabbit
Happens to
Scratch me
And the sight
Of a thin line
Of my own
Blood sends
Ripples down
My memory
And I lie in
The darkness
Tracing the
Raised lines
Noting their
Sharp sting
And marking
Their pattern
So haphazard
And random
Recalling when
My skin always
Bore such
Tender lines
But far more
Purposefully
Chapter 880: I Miss You?
Chapter Text
To be very honest
I don't really notice
That you're gone as
I go about my life
Yes I miss you when
I find a funny video
That I have to send
From my phone to
Your phone instead
Of watching your
Face scrunch into
A smile or snort
Of laughter here
I notice strange
Things that don't
Happen like they
Would if you were
Around for example
The toilet roll won't
Magically change
Unless I do it and
If I mess up the
Towels like how
I know irritates you
Then they won't be
Magically folded
Neatly again the
Next time I see them
I miss hearing your
Giggles from the
Room next to mine
I miss you singing
Musicals when you
Think I'm not about
I miss your hugs
Of course like
A normal person
Might and I miss
Your conversation
And enthusiastic
Rants about so
Many topics but
A video call can
Suffice for all that
Most surprisingly
I don't miss you
As much as I'd
Like to or think
That I ought to
Just the fact that
Apparently I can
Function without
You seems illegal
Somehow like
I shouldn't be able
To breathe when
You are not by
My side but instead
Many miles away
Where I cannot
See you except
For through a
Screen and where
You must stay for
A few more weeks
Yet until you can
Come home again
And be with me
Chapter 881: Prayers
Chapter Text
My prayers feel so childlike
Filled with innocent naivety
Like a child blissfully wishing
On the star outside their
Bedroom window with a
Heart of equal parts true
Earnest belief and wide
Eyed wonder at the sight.
I pray without fear I think
I never stop to wonder if
Anyone hears me or if it
Will make any difference...
I just need to believe it will.
I open my heart and soul
Freely offered like a gift
Willing and waiting for
Any sign of response that
My own mind generates.
It doesn't matter to me
If the story is real instead
What is important is if
The tale provides some
Guidance and comfort...
I believe my prayers are
For good with a childish
Hopefulness I thought
The world had long since
Quashed in me by now.
So with hands clasped as
An excitable toddler does
I hold my breath and close
My eyes to listen for any
Signal that might show
Me the way forward which
After some consideration
Since I am not a child but
Fully grown I will step onto
The path I have been shown
Barefoot and defenceless
Trusting as only a child can
That the decisions I make
Will be good and kind for
That is what that child
I used to be dreamed of.
Chapter 882: Momentous Times
Chapter Text
When people discovered fire
And stone tools did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When they first discovered
Copper, bronze and iron did
They know what momentous
Times they were living in?
When the first Olympic
Games were held did they
Know what momentous
Times they were living in?
When Alexander died in
Babylon did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When Julius Caesar was
Stabbed 23 times did they
Know what momentous
Times they were living in?
When Pompeii was buried
In ash did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When Rome fell to
Foreign invaders did they
Know what momentous
Times they were living in?
When William invaded
England did the people
Know what momentous
Times they were living in?
When all of London was
Ablaze did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When Prince Albert died
Did the people know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When the Great War
Began did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When war was declared
Again did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When the Berlin Wall
Fell did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When the Twin Towers
Collapsed did they know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When a virus swept the
World did the people know
What momentous times
They were living in?
When an English king
Was crowned did they
Know what momentous
Times they were living in?
Because I think it is so rare to be
So aware of history in the making
Before our eyes, so I ask do we
Know what momentous times
We are living in right now
And can they be compared?
Chapter 883: Scratches
Chapter Text
I have scratches all the time.
Fresh and new, never scars.
They’re scattered across my
Upper body and sometimes
My legs but always my arms.
Though they stung when
They were put there, when
I see them I have to smile
Because I remember why
I have so many and why they
Are on my skin meanwhile.
No other person put them
There nor even my own
Cursed hand anymore.
They are not by design.
I never plan for them,
Never wish for more, but
I am always happy when
A few new ones do appear.
They are not some fantasy
Soul-mark nor a sign of
Some twisted love-making.
Yet in their own way they are
The product of a love that
Is innocent, sweet and true.
You see the creature that
Created these scratches that
Ached when they were made
Was my fluffy bunny rabbit
When I held her in my arms
Yesterday, the day before and
Earlier today and tomorrow too.
So to me they are strangely
A beloved symbol of how
She is with me, wherever
I may roam beyond the
Range of her big soft ears.
Chapter 884: Shower Time
Chapter Text
I don’t want to go in the shower
I don’t ever want to leave
It’s so loud under the water
It’s so warm and I’m at peace
I find it hard to find the motivation
I find it hard to find the courage
To enter the shower spray
To shut the water off again
Chapter 885: Aware
Chapter Text
Right now, even
Existing in my body
Is too much for
Me to process
I can feel everything
My skin and my bones
Every hair and each
Thread of my clothes
My breath in my lungs
The food in my stomach
My brain inside my skull
My eyelids against my eyes
I can feel it all without
Trying nor wanting to
I am just aware of it
Chapter 886: Like This
Chapter Text
Days like this are why
I started my medication
But days like this are
Also why I can’t continue
Days when I am so tired
When all I do is not move
When I feel numb inside
Days when I just can’t try
Weeks like this are why
I needed to take my meds
But weeks like this are
Why I can't take any more
Weeks spent exhausted
Unable to leave my bed
Most of the time let alone
My house to get those meds
But it is times like this that
Remind me of why I took up
The prescription in the first
Place and now I only wish
That I had less days and weeks
Like this
Chapter 887: Sleep
Chapter Text
I fell asleep this afternoon
Which I haven't done for
Months and months now.
This might sound innocent
Like it's not really a big deal
If only I had a good reason to
But I didn't. I was just too
Tired to keep my eyes open
All I've done all day is eat
And binge-watch Netflix...
I slept all of seven hours
Because I nearly fell asleep
In my chair at nine o'clock
Last night and slept dead
Until I woke up at six this
Morning still so tired but
I don't understand why.
Now it's ten o'clock in the
Evening and I'm almost
Falling asleep again like
My eyelids are too heavy.
I haven't the energy to
Even read a book which
I used to find so soothing.
Now I just feel drained and
Lethargic - almost sluggish.
Now it's nearly ten the next
Morning after I've slept for
Nearly ten hours solid but
I still feel drowsy like my
Brain is full of fog and my
Body has low batteries...
I'm still so tired today like
I was yesterday and the
Day before but I don't
Even have the excuse that
I haven't slept well because
Now I have and it hasn't
Made a difference because
This exhaustion isn't only
Physical but mental and
Emotional exhaustion too.
And I just want it to be over
For me to wake up soon one
Morning and feel awake
Feel properly alive for once
But today is not that day
So I begin another day of
Tiredly surviving until the
Evening arrives and I can
Sleep.
Chapter 888: Storm Awaiting
Chapter Text
It feels like the whole world
Is holding its breath now
Waiting for the storm to
Arrive over the horizon
The distant thunder and
Occasional flickers of
Lightning from yonder
Announce the rain's
Imminent appearance
But until then every
Thing and everyone
Is waiting and listening
For the downpour to
Begin and then we
Can breathe a sigh
Of relief as the cool
Water washes us clean
Chapter 889: The Sound Of Children's Laughter
Chapter Text
I can hear the children shouting
Playing, running and racing in
The sunlight, laughing with their
Innocent joy at everything...
It makes me wonder if one day
They too will sit and listen
Pondering all they once had
Years ago and all they have
Lost and let go of since then.
Chapter 890: Process
Chapter Text
Well I’m done.
My degree is
Finally finished…
Now I should
Start looking
Forwards and
Making plans
For all I’ve got
To move on to.
But I keep on
Glancing back
Over my shoulder
So often that
I find I’m falling
Over my feet.
So I’m going to
Take some time
To process all
That happened
In the past three
Years of my life.
There are things
I need to face
And so much
To come to terms
With so I need
Some time to
Think on it all.
So much has
Changed – I have
Changed since
I began university.
I don’t want to
Just charge ahead
Into the next thing.
There are lessons
To be learned still
Of what I can or
Should do different
Next time because
A Masters is next
On my life’s list.
I need to reflect
And review and
Mull over it all
Until I have dealt
With everything
That occurred…
Then I can begin
Again and anew.
Chapter 891: Finite
Chapter Text
It is my opportunity
For a good goodbye
For I know how rituals help
Give us closure sometimes
I need to draw a line
And step over it once
I have to move forward
And not look backwards
Let me seize the moment
I have been gifted now
To tie up all those loose ends
That currently grate my mind
Finish everything in a neat bow
Accept that it is over and done
Close the chats and close the doors
To all the memories both sad and fun
For me it will not be a celebration
No accomplishment in my view
Not even a recognition of survival
Since no others will see that truth
It is a ceremony to please others
Those like my family who I love
For them it is important somehow
Important in ways I do not trust
A meaningless ritual in my eyes
Unless I make it so and say goodbye
Graduation is not a celebration
It is a formal final finite occasion
Chapter 892: University Life
Chapter Text
There's been highs
There's been lows
I have smiled and
Cried and even lied
I've baked weird
Things and cooked
Strange meals
I've held objects
Older than London
And organised
Others as old as
The English language
That I have read
So so much of in
The hundreds of
Texts I’ve consumed
I've been so many
Places more than
I thought I would
Not just the hours
On a train ride
Or a ferry to an
Ancient dig site
But on a plane
To worlds away
Into the past
I travelled far
My world has
Shrunk and grown
As well somehow
For I have learnt so
Much more than
Of times long ago
I have learned
Of myself and
My own heart and
My mind's quirks
A little more
With each day
Overall I think
I spent my uni
Years well in
Amongst the
Tears and the
Strain and the
Stress of it all
I have enjoyed
Writing essays
Though the
Deadlines I
Enjoyed less
I have relished
In my freedom
On my own
Eating exactly
What I choose
Has been a joy
I am reluctant
To give up again
The loneliness
I do not miss
Nor the fear of
My sanity that
Comes with it
I have played at
Being an adult
And I suspect
I am not ready
For anything
More than a
Free trial just yet
So I will follow
My plan and
Wait a year
To see if there
Is more growing
I can achieve
Then off again
I'll venture hoping
To use all that
I have learned
In my three years
At university
That are now
Officially over.
Chapter 893: Remote Control
Chapter Text
I wish I operated
By remote control.
That I had an off
Switch to make
Me sleep all night
From the moment
I laid my head...
I long for mute
Button for all
The thoughts
Inside my skull
And a volume
Dial for those
Voices outside.
I would design
Me with access
To batteries so
I could replace
Them easily when
They run down.
I would build in
A control panel
For my nerve
Endings so that
Each could be
Toggled on and off.
I dream of the
Ability to pause
Time and really
Experience a
Moment but also
I would enjoy
A rewind option
To replay happy
Memories or to
Fix my mistakes.
I wish I was born
With electrical
Components like
Wiring and sensors
Batteries and steel.
I think that all in
All it would make
My life so much
Easier if I came
With a remote
Control included.
Chapter 894: I want them to be free.
Chapter Text
I'm quite tired. Emotionally.
Lately my existence has
Been quite exhausting
And for once it has little
To do with my own being
And more with my innate
Response to other people.
It seems like recently
Everyone around me
Has been standing on
The edge of a cliff and
They know it, most of them.
And they're all screaming.
I can hear them even when
Their calls are silent, I can
See the fear in their faces.
They're terrified of falling.
So I say to them: "it's
Going to be okay" since
That's about all I can say.
Everything will be okay.
I know how they're feeling
Because I've stood on a
Ledge for hours before
Sat there for days and
Months just waiting and
Sometimes I fought like
They are now, scrambling
For anything to rescue them
But mostly I just watched
The churning waters below.
Other people fought for
Me and I just watched
Them too. Like they were
A particularly interesting
Bird flying over the sea.
But in the end, more or
Less, everything was
Alright. It turned out okay.
So when I say to those
People around me as
I see them screaming
At the drop below their
Feet, when I tell them
That it's going to be
Alright, I'm saying it
From experience and
With empathy. But
I can't tell them that.
They won't think it
Is the same, won't see
The freefall they're
Facing as similar to
The one I stared at
For years and still
Glance at even now.
Because it wouldn't
Be a comfort, not to
Them. It would make
Their situation even
More terrifying, I know.
Because the only
Thing worse than
Standing on a ledge
Is knowing that no
One but yourself is
The reason why you’re
Trapped, stood there.
They aren't trapped.
But they feel like it
And it scares them
And that is what I
Relate to, that sense
Of helplessness is
What of myself and
My own experiences
That I see in them
In their wide eyes
And tightly gripping
Hand on anything
Within reach of them.
But I can't tell them
That either - that I
Understand how
They're feeling since
Feeling has never
Been my field of
Expertise. So I won't
Say it aloud but I’ll
Confine it all here
To these words that
Let me think it all
Through and realise
How much I want
To be of assistance
And how little I can
Realistically offer.
They are all such
Practical people.
Never losing their
Head in the fear,
Instead they look
Around them for
Solutions, make
Their own means
Of survival and
Escape from what
Traps them there.
That doesn't mean
They aren't afraid.
Nor that I was any
More or less scared
Than they, just that
The situations they
Are in are so worldly
And grounded than
The mental war that
Imprisoned me there.
I love them all dearly
And I so hate to see
Their pain and worry.
It leaks onto me like
Condensate when
I am around them.
And me being such
A coward it means
I want to avoid them.
To just trust they'll be
Fine and go about
My day as much as
I can without them.
That makes it sound
Like they're already
Doomed or dead.
Like I have given up
On them when they
Never gave up on
Me or else I would
Not be here today!
I'm just scared of
Their fear, it merges
With my own in my
Messy overfull empty
Heart until I hardly
Know what is mine
Own fear and what
Is theirs anymore.
I feel so out of control
Because their terror
Isn't something I can
Fix like I might my own.
Only they can, though
I can help them to feel
Safe and loved and
Ease the pressure or
The burden just a bit.
I can't take the lid off.
Only watch on as the
Pot boils over. Maybe
That's what scares me
The most - that with this
Helplessness I’m feeling
Comes bad outcomes.
Which makes sense
Because most times
That I can remember
When I lost control of
A circumstance, things
Got out of hand quickly
And snowballed bad...
I need to have faith
In the abilities of these
Fully grown adults
All of whom are way
Older than me and
Very capable people.
And I have faith things
Will work out, I really do.
What worries me is
The damage that can
Occur along the road.
That is what I guard
Against, why I seek to
Wrap them up in hugs
And offers of assistance.
Never dwelling, apart
From here in these
Words, how much they
Might help me in a
Similar situation but
Focusing on what they
Did do when I was on
My own ledge - never
Mind if it helped me
Or made anything
Better or made things
More endurable or
Even made a difference.
They tried, I know they
Really did and so now
I am trying too. Not
That I owe them at all
But because I love them
And I want them to be
Happy and to escape from
That horrible ledge that
Still haunts me each day.
I want them to be free.
Chapter 895: Memories Of Moments
Chapter Text
I'm not sure exactly when it started
But I have this habit of taking selfies
I do not share them on any social media
They are not captured for any others
But my own eyes and for my own sake
They serve as a record of a moment
Sometimes far better than a memory
Often I take them at time when I feel
Beautiful for lack of a better word
Those instants when I don't hate myself
At least not entirely and when I can
Smile when I look into the camera
Other times when I take the photos
It is within a moment of great pain
When I do not have the words required
To put it down in writing how I feel
I let my tired and usually teary eyes
Talk for my mouth and across time
You see when I review these images
And stare into the face of my past
When I gaze into the eyes of who
I used to be even if it was only hours
Or days ago then I can perceive
Something quite indescribable and
If the photo is months or years old
Then the sensation intensifies greatly
To meet your old self is quite a wonder
And with my vivid imagination and
Vibrant memory it seems so possible
That I might almost converse with
The semblance of my old self as it
Appears on my phone screen later
Sometimes it sorrows me to see
The loss of light in those past eyes
To watch the joy fade as I grew
Tracing its diminishing through
Old childhood photos others took
It surprises me what a difference
However that a few months makes
The way that my eyes smiled back
In my first weeks away at uni is
So different to how they smile now
When I began my years at university
I deliberately decided to catalog it
Regularly I aimed to capture my faces
And though the gap between images
Varied quite a bit the effective album
Of selfies details relatively neatly
The time spent working on my degree
The highs and lows documented with
Selfies of smiles or tears or even both
Many instances I would switch to
Recording video and talk long to
The camera directed at my own face
Again I must reiterate that these
Long videos of my ramblings aloud
Were never intended to be shared
To anyone at all besides future me
When I went abroad in anxious triumph
I did concede to share several images
I had taken in typical tourist fashion
Beside various famous landmarks
But that was a special occasion then
My graduation of course was noted
By a whole plethora of photographs
Many of which have been and will be
Distributed among loved ones and
Friends and family for their sakes
And certainly not my preference
But it is customary and it makes
Them and my mother - who took so
Many of the photos that day - happy
I myself have simply added my selfies
Taken in amongst those momentous
Moments to my collection and
Moved on as best I can without
Too many glances over my shoulder
As I have a tendency to do when
The night draws in and my thoughts
Wander like a ponderous riverway
It is in those times of reflection
That the purpose and uses of this
Compilation of images stretching
Back over the days into my past
Is most keenly felt and understood
There is a kind of wistful musing
That comes with contemplating
Photos of one's younger self and
When one can recall with little
Fabrication or embellishment
How one felt in the instant of the
Photo being captured then all
The wondering is magnified
It is as if we are meeting face
To face since my past self took
The camera out fully knowing
That future or present me would
Consult the resultant image in
Due course for some modulation
It is thus extremely collaborative
And both utterly uncaring of
And supremely aware of Time
The distances of time between
The moment of the image and
The moments of viewing the
Image give weight and meaning
To the dialogue - for it is indeed
A conversation occuring across
Time and quite often space as
Well but such things matter little
Within one's own head sometimes
Past present and even future can
Blur together in my mind and
Occasionally these selfies of mine
Are the most useful in arranging
Quite firmly which is which so
That when it is needed I can
Determine what has been and
What is and what might be next
Since understandably there
Are times when knowing these
Differences is rather important
Maybe that is what sustains
This strange private habit I have
For though I do not know exactly
Why or where or when I started
To take pertinent selfies now
I do know their essential nature
And I sincerely doubt I will ever
Cease until my dying day when
I am certain that there will no
Longer be a future me to have
Need of any selfies any more.
Chapter 896: Shorts & Sleeves
Chapter Text
I do not, as a general rule,
Wear shorts outside of
My house or ever often
In the company of anyone
Outside of my close family.
This is not much to do
With my large thighs or
Untouched leg hair, at
Least not entirely so.
This decision is more
Regarding the fact that
My only remaining visible
Scars are mostly on
My upper legs and are
Revealed if anyone may
Care to look carefully.
Interestingly, this is
Almost exactly the
Opposite reason for
Wearing plenty of short
Sleeves since they
Silently reassure those
Who know and care
About me that certain
Habits have not resumed.
Chapter 897: Blackberries
Chapter Text
There is something beautifully unique about blackberry picking.
Something about it reaches through the mists of time to unify.
Though I doubt the hunter gatherers of the distant past
Ever found their berry patches in alleyways among terraced
Houses in a jungle of concrete and weeds… I do.
I picked blackberries as a child. So did my parents.
Today I brought two children of a friend to the same patch
On one wide alleyway that my parents brought me to
Every summer for all of my childhood that I can recall.
These two were too young to grasp more than the basics but
The parallels were clear. They are still learning and still struggled
With the simple lesson of what berry is ripe and that green berries are not.
Plus their short height means most of what they do manage to pick
Is often in the risky wandering animal pee zone. But never mind.
The seed is planted now and they certainly enjoyed the fruits of their
Small labours. Enough to return next summer a little older and
Not necessarily that much wiser but full of precious enthusiasm.
Their mother and I were more experienced in our efforts.
Sufficiently knowledgeable in the art of blackberry picking
To search under the wide green leaves to find previously undiscovered
Dark ripe fruits. Unfortunately neither of us were quite tall enough
To grasp those high above that the general population cannot
Reach and therefore which remain plentiful. But our skill at finding
Those hidden berries meant we were rewarded with plenty
Of fruit enough for a crumble or pie for tomorrow. The season
Of blackberries can be long so there is always next week
Or the week after perhaps to return to the same bushes and
Carry home the ripest juiciest produce our sharp eyes and
Grasping hands can find. Our fingers were all stained red
By the end of this morning and our cheeks pink from the sun
Despite all our hats to keep the worst rays from our skin.
The children's mouths were tinged red as well since
They agree wholeheartedly with the classic policy of
One for the pile and one for the tummy. Usually many of
The ones collected in our various bags and plastic pots
Made it to their lips at some point too but that's alright.
Their unceasing happy chatter made the whole enterprise
Much more entertaining from my perspective anyway. This morning
Was the first time I've ever ventured to the blackberry patch
With small children in tow and while it definitely changes the
Experience it’s not for the worse. It's a little more complicated
And takes some extra concentration to keep them under observation
And not lose them among the brambles but that's alright too.
My brain needs the workout same as my limbs do. My whole body
Right down to my toes and fingertips got some exercise today!
Straining on tiptoe to reach out across spiky branches for
That one last shiny delicious prize takes some effort indeed.
Fighting to keep balance and not topple face first into the spikes!
When blackberry picking you always end up with a few pricks
And scratches of course. A nettle sting or two if you're unlucky.
That's a part of it though. The bushes don't give up their fruits
Without a bit of work so it's only polite. The blood all mixes
With the berry juice anyway and it will all wash out eventually.
There is something quite philosophical about blackberry picking.
Any work to collect the ephemeral usually is... Where the effort
Offered does not necessitate a fair reward in return. Like when
You strain to touch a seemingly perfect fruit and it crumbles rotten
In your fingers as you reach it or instead the shiny red fruit refuses
To release without a fight that usually involves getting jabbed
Several times by neighbouring branches. You don't have to get poked
And slashed of course. But there is no reward without risk you understand.
A timid blackberry picker can make it through with no bleeding at all
But will in turn only achieve less gains as a result. If you choose to risk
Your own skin for a few extra fruit then so be it. The pros and cons
Are perfectly clear. The fruit is sweet and skin heals quite quickly.
You have to be philosophical about such things. I'm sure that
Thousands of years ago when such berries were a staple of
The summer diet then some small scratches were an easy price
To pay for continued survival of oneself and one’s children.
Now most of us who live among the various alleyways that surround
The greatest urban blackberry swathes don't really have to
Pick them to keep living. At least not for their nutritional assistance.
But in some ways survival is sort of key to this little tradition
Which I so very hope survives a few more generations more
Until things go utterly downhill... I've done my part for now I think.
Encouraging two more young ones to love the adventure of
Blackberry picking. Judging by their big smiles and stained fingers
I think they got the message. Have you?
Chapter 898: Sympathy or Envy?
Chapter Text
I've always had
A strange sort
Of empathy for
The terminally ill
Since I am familiar
With the experience
Of staring death
Daily in the face
But my sympathy
Lies predominantly
In that I want to
Reach out and
Take their hand
And trade places
With them on
Their deathbeds
To give my life
For theirs even
If I never know
Their names...
Is that sympathy?
Or is it really envy?
One sounds saner
Than the other
But one is true.
Chapter 899: Faces
Chapter Text
I wear so many faces
Switch them out with
Such practised ease
That I barely realise
I am even doing so
This practise was not
By choice though
The ease is borne of
Trials and triumphs
From my younger years
Back then it seemed
So essential to survival
That if I wore the wrong
Face at the wrong place
Or time it would doom me
Now most of the time
I am safe mostly since
I rarely go to spaces
I consider a risk or
A danger if by chance
Many of my faces now
Are for people I love
I don’t mean to change
When I speak to them
But I always subtly do
Most of my changing
It isn’t conscious nor
Deliberate so when others
Deny they have many
Faces I have to frown
It’s small things mostly
How an eyebrow lifts
The exact shape of a
Smile or the length of
A laugh – things like that
Often it’s to mirror another
Their mannerisms like
Phrases and gestures
As it makes it less likely
They would attack them
Of course in amongst
All the constant changing
It’s so easy to lose track
Of who I am when I look
In the mirror just alone
Sometimes I think that
All I am is just a collection
Of borrowed traits and
Ideas bundled together
With tangled faulty wiring
I have designed myself to
Be as unobtrusive as can be
I know why and it isn’t
A surprise but I wonder if
I can change sometime
Consider this my caterpillar
Phase and burst out into
A brave butterfly some day
But I rather doubt it – some
Habits you just don’t break
I wear many faces it seems
Perhaps I have revealed myself
Given away the secret that
Makes me likeable or something
Maybe they will spot the
Faces switching if they really
Look closely or maybe all
My different faces are me
And when I look in the mirror
In fact my reflection is blurry
Chapter 900: A Rock's Journey
Chapter Text
once I belonged to a mountain
it was so vast and I felt safe there
nestled within its depth I slept
for quite some time I think
then an icy river came and
carved away at the hugeness
it carried me away but I was
strong and hefty then and
survived with only a few
slivers lost here and there
and when the torrent melted
the water flung me farther still
and I came to rest alone upon
a hilltop far from where I began
but it was peaceful and the ice
was gone so I fell asleep again
when I awoke the world was green
I could feel warm earth surrounding me
and a tree’s winding roots embraced me
it was cosy and felt safer than my old
mountain somehow so I dozed blissfully
but I remember the day the tree fell
it was the first time I saw a person
standing tall on two long limbs with
a long neck of wood and a sharp head
the face shone and felled the tree
leaving the hot sun shining down on me
I thought I had been spared but
still I watched idly as they dragged
away my fallen companion then
turned their attentions to me
with shovels they tore at the earth
heaving at the dirt that shielded me
when the bright sun lit my every crevice
they looped long chains around my sides
and began to pull me from my resting place
though the river had been more fierce
and quite the wild ride I was younger then
now I felt so soft and weak as they
took their conquest back to their home
to shape and smooth me until I did
not even recognise my own face
they set me up among connected
winding belts and I span and span
until the world was all a blur and
beneath me passed grain that
the people would then eat after
I graciously ground it to dust and
as I did so I watched them go about
their days on their two legs and their
round heads with their long arms
that could lift and stretch and bend
and I fancied how nice it would be
to do anything but spin around forever
one day everything changed and
new people arrived who all dressed
the same colour as me with stern
faces that I could mimic easily
but they lifted me up and set me
free from the constant turning
and trundled me away on a
a moving bed that used to be
a tree like the one that grew over me
so long ago it felt like a dream
when we finally arrived to wherever
we were going they took a huge
machine and smashed me into pieces
suddenly I remembered how it felt
to have been larger and become small
like when I once was a part of a mountain
now no bigger than the head of those people
they carried me to lie among many others like me
in a large mound piled high that reminded
me of where I came from long ago so
quite mournful and nostalgic for colder times
I let them move me into an iron tube while
half asleep but was rudely awaken by
an explosion from right beside me
and suddenly I was flying high with
open water below me and blue sky above
for a moment all was quiet and I felt
like I could rest but then I crashed
into some more former trees with
a sorrow I will never forget and
then down I flew as blue water
reclaimed me and as I sank to the
depths I began a restorative sleep
that was only interrupted when
the swirling liquid had done its work
and swept me far away again
onto a distant shore covered with
my kith and kin so despite the
nearby pounding surf I rested
even longer on a seaweed pillow
next time I woke I was in the grip
of a person who had lifted me high
from my comfy bed and I realised how
small had I become with time and
ice water wind and sun so now
I braced myself for what this new
strange person had in store for me
I noticed at once how they cradled me
and how gently they placed me into
a case that they rushed to carry away
and long they hurried with their prize
so I dozed until they pulled me from
the warm soft fabric onto a plinth
brightly lit with so many people
crowding round with their faces
peering eagerly at me so intently
I almost felt proud though I did not
know why they seemed so intrigued
I am just me and was as small as can be
in fact it was not until I noticed how
the most excited of my visitors all
pointed with wide eyes and big smiles
to an old blemish on one worn side
where an ancient creature had left
its mark long ago as I was forming
this I deduced was for some reason
the source of their interest but
eventually the attention ceased
being so appealing and despite the
bright lighting my podium was
clean and well cushioned so I
continued my disjointed sleep
I don’t know how I left that place
but something made me roll
for I was quite round and smooth
by that point until I had tumbled
from my dais down among the
feet of my former admirers who
happily kicked me about until
I could see the sky again but
great trundling machines of metal
roared above me and smoke often
clouded my view of the sun and
the regular kicks and jolts or
horrifying crunch as a huge
metal circle ran right over me
meant I could hardly get a minute
of peace until I was thrown all
the way back to the ocean’s edge
not quite into the white froth but
among the small fragments that
gathered inexplicably there so
I joined those grains so like those
seeds I had once ground but
I quite enjoy the sound of the sea
and mostly I was untroubled
by the daily flow of people down
past my quiet resting spot to the
blue water’s edge and back again
I was happy there I think and
when I dozed during the cold
dark seasons I dreamt of my
old haunts and the mountain
I had once belonged to and
I wondered if any others
from that vast eruption had
journeyed as far as I had been
or if any kin lay near to me on
that windswept stretch of beach
little did I know that my story was
not over yet and the interfering people
would not leave me there to rest
one morning they arrived with
one of those huge metal machines
and shovelled loads of us like tonnes
and tonnes up and away inland
they shoved us into a great fire
and it was so hot that I glowed
then I shifted and changed until
I joined with my neighbours and
grew larger again with their aid
in my elation I missed how the
people’s nimble hands shaped
our new form into a clear disc
we were so strong and mighty
thick and heavy and we shone
as the harsh light like captured
lightning glimmered through us
and made us feel so very proud
they hoisted us into metal frames on
some vast machine that they had built
then they loaded us onto yet another
moving metal lump and took us
further inland but as we journeyed
I didn’t want to sleep I wanted to watch
and look and see all the mountains
rivers and trees we passed and the
many people who waved and cheered
as they saw us going by in procession
I did not know what was next for me
though I was excited at the possibilities
when they raised up their contraption
like a mountain of metal standing tall
I was a little nervous looking up
at the darkening sky above and
when they lit the gasses beneath us
fear overwhelmed me I must confess
I don’t remember much of the
explosion that sent me hurtling
up and up into the clouds and out
past everything I had ever known
into the perpetual darkness beyond
until there was only dark and I was alone
with nothing not even air around me
to carry the screams I imagined away
but then we spun about and I saw
then the reason for everything that
had come before as far beneath me
was a blue and green world where
an ocean swirled and tree’s roots
curled and a river gushed and
somewhere a mountain stood
Chapter 901: Light & Dark
Chapter Text
In every religion in the world
There exists an element of evil
And so in turn produces some
Brave agents of good to battle it
And defend the poor innocents.
The good is merely wishful thinking.
A dream of what some men could be.
It is a reflection of what truly unites
Or rather is an absence of darkness.
The recognition among all people
That some among them are hateful.
It is apparent in all their literature
Where they fabricate a war to be won.
The tales they weave of light and dark
Are just hopes in the face of the hapless.
Imagining there is some reward in the end
For goodness that fights against the bad.
Dark must come first for any to notice
When light bursts forth unto the story.
But when light is gone and the shadows
Begin their creeping, has evil returned?
Is every bad character only a vessel
For each good being to be tested or
Worse for them to subject and at whom
Proclaim their righteousness upon?
To children at their bedtimes should
Such naive whispers be conjured
And leave the innocents to wonder
Who is fighting over them and
Who fights for the sake of it.
Chapter 902: Dreams of Blood
Chapter Text
I'm dreaming of blood again
Only when I open my eyes
Do they become nightmares
Inside my head it is a delight
That's poisoned by real life
Which is the nightmare now?
In my mind is a warzone as
Each side tries to convince me
That they are real and right
One will end in bloodshed
If it can win and the other
I used to believe would lead
To peace and tranquility but
It doesn't matter because
I am dreaming about blood
Chapter 903: The Worst Kinds of Addictions
Chapter Text
The worst kind of addictions,
Apart from the ones which
Can physically kill you upon
Withdrawal, like heroin or
Alcohol – one of which is
Stupidly somehow legal –
Are addictions to the things
That you can’t live without,
Like food, that you cannot
Go ‘cold turkey’ with or
Things that can be healthy
Like sleep or exercise…
But after that, the worst
Addictions are to the things
That you can’t easily avoid
Like nosebleeds in the heat
Or stubbing your toe or
Knocking your elbow or
Walking over a high bridge
Or rather these things that
You can’t easily avoid can
Be a trigger for addictions.
Just like smelling beer or
Hearing a roulette wheel
But those you can try, if
Not always succeed due
To mere chance – or bad
Luck – to evade. Eating
Is essential, we all agree,
But so can be going for
A long walk on a clear
Evening after a long day.
And no one can control
The weather, no one can
Hold back the tide nor
Turn off those thoughts
Inside your head that say:
“Wouldn’t it be nice if...”
Chapter 904: A Heart
Summary:
This is what happens when you read angsty Sherlock fanfiction at 2am...
Chapter Text
When I'm reading
Something sad
If it's truly tragic
Painful and so on
Then I feel a little
Twinge in my chest
Right where my
Heart is and it is
How I know that
I am human more
Than if I cry or
Laugh it proves
To me that inside
I am no robot of
Steel and wiring
But a human with
A heart that feels
Chapter 905: Self-Patience
Chapter Text
I am so numb
And so tired
Right now
And I know
It's because
I'm going
Through a lot
Right now
And I need
To give myself
Space and
Give myself
Time but
There's just
Too much
To process
To handle
And to heal
When I am
So numb
And so tired
Like I am now
Chapter 906: No Apologies
Chapter Text
I will not apologise
For doing what it
Took to survive
Even if what was
Keeping me alive
Was slowly killing me
Chapter 907: Are You Hungry?
Chapter Text
How do you know if you are hungry?
It’s a serious question, because I do not.
When I think of how much energy and
Time and attention I devote to discerning
This simple fact, I want to cry. How is it
That I know, uncomfortably clearly, when
Anything is moving through my intestines
But I do not know if I am hungry without
Looking long at a clock? Why can I never
Determine if my stomach is grumbling
Because it is too empty or too full? Why
Is it that if I eat too fast, then I feel sick.
But if I eat too late, I also get nauseous.
And if I completely forget for too long
That my body needs food to survive then
I get too tired and listless to eat at all…
I can eat and eat all day and never want
To stop eating even if I feel sick and full.
Or I can go all day or several days with
Only a mouthful of something and be okay
More or less anyway. This I understand is
Because I can never truly know if I really
Am hungry since the drive for food is not
For its nutrients but its sensations so when
I do think I am hungry, all I am is bored…
I get so tired and fed up of second guessing
And guessing wrong then laying awake
Half the night with acute indigestion from
Either having eaten too late and too much
Or not enough – since lying down makes
My acid reflux even worse and I can feel
Every movement of my digestive system.
You try going to sleep with all of that. So
I ask again, how do you know when you
Are hungry - without knowing the time?
Chapter 908: I Say To Myself
Chapter Text
"I can do this"
I say, as I sit on
A train by myself
"I am a capable adult"
I say, as I stand in a city
I've never visited before
"Nothing will go wrong"
I say, as I anxiously wait
On a platform once again
"Its all in your head"
I say as I am riding
A busy train alone
"This is worth it"
I say, as I arrive at
My destination
"Don't think about it"
I whisper as I recall
The journey I must
Repeat to get home.
Chapter 909: Rainbows
Chapter Text
A rainbow needs
Two things to be
Created, sunshine
And rain - two very
Different substances
Working together
Seemingly at odds
To form something
Utterly beautiful.
In the Bible rainbows
Are a promise from
God that they will
Never destroy so
Much ever again,
Never attack all
People for the errs
Of just some men,
Never punish harshly.
The queer community
Views the rainbow as
An emblem of hope,
A symbol of freedom
And a promise too -
A promise from those
Who wave it high that
They will be accepting
Tolerant and welcoming.
To me is it not that the
Church needs to 'take
Back' the image of the
Rainbow, but instead
They should take lessons
From those who brandish
Its bright colours with
Love and earnest hearts.
A rainbow is a promise.
Not just from on high but
One we can give to one
Another and gift the hope
That all people are loved.
Chapter 910: More Lonely?
Chapter Text
Of course I'm lonely
I can count on one
Hand the number
Of people I message
Regularly and it's
Even less who will
Message me out of
The blue themselves
Those in my life that
I see often in social
Situations are not
Any where near my
Age and though
Many have similar
Interests and life
Experiences to me
That is not the same
As being alike in
Life stages like any
Fellow students are
But those from my
Degree have already
Dropped off texting
Even before we all
Graduated I was lucky
To hear anything so
Now I do not speak
To them apart from
One or maybe two
On occasion who
I still talk to and then
There's a few from
Other places around
The country who I met
In various contexts
All those my own age
Add up to less than
My number of fingers
The only one closest
In life experience is
My sibling who I love
And message daily
But they are one soul
And they are far away
I cannot hug them
Cannot be held when
I need to weep nor
Can hold their hand
If they need me to
So yes I am lonely
The ones who learn
My inner thoughts
Are strangers on the
Internet with who
I share my poetry
But whose names
I will never know
It's hard to make
Connections when
You get anxious just
Leaving the house
Let alone making
Conversation and
Sharing enough about
Yourself to appear
Two dimensional like
A true human being
Those older people
I am closest to I have
Known for years and
They have grown to
Accept me for who
I am that they get to
See - that surface
Tolerable person who
I present to them like
Bait or a bribe for
Their approval and
Entertainment - it
Wouldn't surprise me
If I still had trauma
From my time at school
When friendships were
Deadly dangerous things
And people could wound
With words like blows
Maybe one day I will
Learn to open up without
Being so scared of
Rejection for all my
Idiosyncrasies and
Flaws that I perceive
To find a true friend
A good friend to who
I could be everything.
Chapter 911: Motivations & Fears
Chapter Text
So the first thing
That you have to
Understand is that
Being at university
Nearly killed me.
Yet now I'm going
To go back, and
To Oxford no less
Which I can only
Imagine is about
Fifty times more
Intense... But the
Thing is that some
Part of my brain –
Despite being very
Aware of what it
Cost me the first
Time around and
Just how much is
At stake here – it
Wants me to go
Back to prove that
I can... That I can
Survive and even
Thrive in such an
Environment. But
Spite isn't exactly
The best motivator.
I want to go for other
Reasons too, mainly
Because I love to
Learn and study and
Research rabbit-holes
Are a favourite
Thing - and also
Because trying to
Stay in my parents'
House will drive me
Insane, plus leaving
The nest will allow
Me control over food
Which is a precious
Ability. These pros
Don't exactly make
A long list, especially
When faced with the
Opposing side that
It made up of literally
Everything else, apart
From how Oxford is
A beautiful city and
It has a great museum
And a fantastic library
That I can access…
That's it. Those are
The reasons for me
To utterly push my
Comfort zone for the
Sake of academic
Esteem and approval.
The expenses, the
Socialising, the noise
Of student high life,
The food, the stress,
The deadlines, the
Exams, the isolation,
The loneliness, the
Inevitable mental
Health breakdown –
Even if I do pre-empt
And sort some meds.
But at this point I've
Talked myself into it,
Told everyone that
I'm going to go, I've
Started my application
And arranged referees
And I have absolutely
No plan as to what to
Do if I can't manage
This. If I can't push
Through and survive
Like I did last time,
Although if indeed
This time succeeds
In killing me then
I guess I won't have
To worry about plans
A through to D. I'll be
A blissfully unaware
Dead body without a
Postgraduate degree.
Chapter 912: Lying Legs
Chapter Text
It doesn't matter that I'm lying in bed
It doesn't matter that it's past 2am
It doesn't matter that I don't need to move
I'm just aware of how numb my legs are
They tingle with the promise of sensation
Faintly pulsing to my steady heartbeat
But all my brain can manage to think of
Is how I cannot move them even an inch
It's like all my energy and thoughts are
Working frantically to reboot the system
And reconnect all this damaged wiring
That was broken by far too much thinking
I know that really it doesn't matter now
I've got nowhere to go or places to be but
All I can think of is tomorrow's work and
That's probably why my legs aren't going
Chapter 913: Remarkable
Chapter Text
Nothing is so common as
The wish to be remarkable
Even when all your life
You have been told that
You are different – not
Always with words but
Actions speak so much
Louder anyway – and
Different is different from
Remarkable. Worth noting,
Worth attention, worthy
Of respect and celebration.
That is not you, who they
Label as ‘unique’ if they
Are feeling king or ‘weird’
If they are not. Yet you
Still wish so hard to be
Something more than
Somebody – be someone.
Someone with power,
Respect or integrity.
Someone who is liked
And looked up to, not
Ignored and forgotten.
A face passed in the
Street and never seen.
A shadow at the back
Of a scene, a ghost in
Every social gathering.
Worth is so much more
Than liking, more than
Respect or even envy.
Worth cannot be bought
Except when it is hollow.
You have always longed
To be something you
Are not, will never be.
Someone who is remembered.
Who is different in a good
Way, not that ostracised
False respect that label
Brings. Normal might
Be an unreachable reality
But every else seems to
Manage it, except for you.
Normal was never you.
And even when others
Say that is a good thing,
All the evidence speaks
To the contrary – all the
Hours spent alone, all
The laughs and jeers from
Behind closed off walls
Of people claiming to
Be good and kind souls.
Different is you and
You are not remarkable.
But how you wish to be.
Does that wishing finally
Make you normal then?
If wanting to be special –
And not special in quotation
Marks like those previous
Generations would have
Locked away – makes you
Like everyone else then
Have you achieved your
Goal? Are you normal yet?
See the difference sustains
Because you as wishing
To be noticed for a broken
Criteria, to be worthy simply
For playing the game, to
Be someone because you
Only know how to be one.
Alone and isolated even
In a crowded room. You
Want to be marked instead
Of forgotten and you would
Sell your soul for a chance
To write on the sands of time,
To be noted by history is a
Far fetched dream that you
Cling to like a small child.
You don’t really wish to be
Remarkable, all you want
Is to be normal – and that
Ironically is the thing that
Means you will never be.
Chapter 914: The First Time Traveller Rewritten
Notes:
Warning some ableist & mildly homophobic language.
Chapter Text
Did you know that the first time
Traveller was actually a woman?
At least that’s how she presented
For the sake of antique white men.
She was selected so that no one
In the past would really notice her.
No men at least – but she knew
How to be heard when it counted.
She was also autistic, but don’t
Let that worry you – it was mild.
Mild maybe, but explain why she
Still hated the noise of modernity?
She was very high-functioning
And it made her very observant.
A lifetime of learned behaviour
Earned her both of those skills.
So she would never stay in a
Time period without modern aids.
But would enjoy the peace and
Quiet of days before car engines.
Most importantly, she was asexual.
So she would not fall in love there.
They believed her words – if not
Her sexuality – would be an asset.
But something went wrong, and they
Had a memorial for the brave pioneer.
She proved the past was as queer
And neurodiverse as the present.
The public praised her sacrifice and
Imagined the dangers she had faced.
Though all she had to do was find
A witch coven and she fit right in.
But history again did its work and
People forgot the first time traveller.
See she did fall in love, just not with
Any man – she fell in love with the
Way the world used to be in simpler
Times, when everything was greener.
She fell in love with the blue skies,
The ancient trees and the people’s
Honest carefree delight. And you
Know what? She never looked back.
Chapter 915: Moonlit
Chapter Text
I look up at a dark sky to spot
The light that softly glows and
I have to wonder if this moon
That shines down on me is the
Same moon that you can see
So when I glimpse the circle or
Cresent I have to smile because
I can just picture you smiling too
Staring at the light of the night
Your face lit gently by moonlight
And I would not love the moon so much if you had not loved me first
Chapter 916: Rapunzel's Life
Chapter Text
I don’t think anyone will ever understand
How is it to exist in my world. On the days
When my bones itch and electricity echoes
In my ears, when my mind does not silence.
But still I put on a smile, and I do not think
Those around me even notice that I am dealing
With every sensation I can possibly feel.
If they took a peek inside my head, my body,
How long would they manage to pretend
To function like all other human beings.
I still can barely believe that I manage it.
Every hour I pause and wonder if they can see.
If they notice but just don’t say anything.
Then some days, some people do, they ask
What is wrong and what answer can I offer
Except that my acting is worse today.
All that is different is my ability to hide
How much breathing is effort and how
Food digesting distracts me and the
Way the cars outside the window make
Me want to scream. Can anyone but me
Ever understand the way I spend my days?
If not, then how do I meaningfully connect?
How do you bridge a gap so vast and make
Close friendships, if no one can understand
The struggle it takes, the work and energy,
The focus and determination, just to be
Mildly productive for a few minutes a day?
These musings leave me lonely, staring out
At a world from a high tower like Rapunzel.
Doomed never to join those below, but to
Forever be watching them live – and for
No one to visit me up here far away, but
Also for them to only occasionally notice
That I never walk side by side among them.
And for no one except me to see inside
This world in which I have to live.
Chapter 917: Tired & Awake
Chapter Text
My body is so tired
That it can barely move
But my mind is awake
Alive and kicking
It just won't shut up
I'm so exhausted
That I want to cry
Because it's an hour
Later and my brain
Is still definitely wired
I yawn and wish that
Sleep would come
That I could cease
Thinking at full speed
For more than once
Midnight approaches
And disappears into
The distant past again
I stare into the darkness
And dream when
I am not yet asleep
Chapter 918: Our Future Stories
Chapter Text
Am I the only one who imagines
What our stories will be in the future
Who the King Arthur and Merlin
Of today will be in hundreds of years
What places will be the subject of
Legends that are whispered in mists
Where will people gather to regale
Their children with ancient tales
Around campfires or electric lights
Will they even be able to look up at
Night and see the stars that humans
Have told stories about for as long
As anyone can remember now
Will the myths be muffled by gas
Masks and the tears summoned
Blur the vision of radiation suits
Or on days that I am hopeful
I imagine the lush green forests
Enveloping survivors that weave
All life including homo sapiens
Into their narrations of adventure
The talk of trials will not forget
The suffering of trees and fish
At human hands and everything
Else that we have harmed even
When the names we once gave
To the creatures we thought we
Could possess and own have
Long since been forgotten
I like to think the remorse remains
Passed on like a benevolent curse
A weight of responsibility akin
To guilt but more positive like
Justice could be and parents
Tell their children how to live
Harmoniously through stories
About we who lived then when
Nothing was free and everything
Was so costly – even breathing
I imagine as I drift off to sleep
How infants might nestle and
Young teens pretend they never
Did as they listen to the stories
Of what we are existing in
Would they be in awe at our
Hardships or hate and stupidity
Would they pity us our idealism
Would they envy our lives at all
Or would they blame us for
How they must then survive
I wonder and I ponder but
I guess I will never know
How many names will be
Remembered and whose
Adventures forever repeated
What I do know is that for
As long as there are people
Glorious ridiculous silly
Greedy hateful selfish lonely
Wistful creative people
There will always be stories
Chapter 919: I Am So Tired Of Being Autistic
Chapter Text
I am so tired of being autistic.
For the first time in my life
Since I was diagnosed at 17
It feels like all I am is my Autism.
Almost every conversation I have
Becomes about my autistic nature.
Even though I'm giving advice
Or advocating, it's exhausting.
I've lost where I am as a person
Other than as an autistic one.
Every day I learn something new
That I thought was just a quirk
Of my personality but is really
Due to the weird wiring in my brain.
It feels like I am fighting to keep
Shreds of an actual personality.
Battling to be anything more than
A disability that has become me.
I'm so tired and I think that will
Pass eventually, it always has
Before it just takes a while... And
I suspect that when the lethargy
Lifts then this urge to run and
Never stop running will cease.
But right now it doesn't really
Matter what will happen in the
Future days and weeks because
In this moment, for the first time
Since I got an answer for why
I am how I am - why I was always
And apparently will always be
So different and isolated even
If I try not to be - I wish I could
Forget somehow or just let it be
A part of me without it taking
Over everything like a disease.
This feeling seems like when I've
Eaten the same food for weeks
Until I am sick at the sight of it
Except I can't just not look at
A part of my reality, other than
To avoid reality completely and
Hide in a movie or a book like
I really want to but dare not...
Even talking to those who are
Like me seems draining, our
Exciting similarities that make
Us smile as we enthusiastically
Converse and exchange notes
And recount experiences, they
Cannot fill the void between
My heart and the world somehow.
Even those who are the most
Like me in my life, are different.
I am still different. And fuck all
Those sayings about how being
Different is a good thing because
It is fucking exhausting and I am
So sick of feeling like the one
Alien on a foreign distant planet.
Because I am the only one of
Me with autism and therefore
There is no one else. Just me.
And I am tired of being autistic.
Chapter 920: Blood Upon The Snow
Summary:
Inspired by the Hozier song.
Chapter Text
A woman stands at the brow of a hill.
She is wrapped in layers but still shivers
In the bitter cold of a winter night.
Behind her, mixing with the shadows
Is the thick rising smoke of burnt homes,
Destroyed crops and future nightmares.
But her eyes do not look towards the
Ashes swirling in the icy wind but
Out into the darkness beyond the hill
Where even at the late hour there is
The unmistakable glistening white
Of snow, against which the sharp
Red and slumped black shapes of
The dead are starkly visible to her.
There are no tears in her eyes now.
Any that had already fallen the wind
Has stolen away along with any cries
That had escaped her frosted lips.
There is nothing left but frozen flesh
Burnt buildings and dust where there
Used to be essential food supplies
Loving families and dozens of lives.
There is only silence and the wind
Where a whole community once
Chattered and sang on sunny days
And toiled together in harder times.
There is no day harder than this.
But she is alone now. Until from
Beyond the curling smoke that
Turns grey with the falling snow
Arrive a score of frostbitten children
Their arms locked around one
Another in fear and solace as
They pick their route through the
Ruins of their home and make
Their way slowly to her vantage
Point on the frozen hillside. They
Do not say a word as their eyes
View the landscape of death there.
They do not cry but merely stand
Cold and hungry and scared in
The dark. She moves her head
Slowly like a snake to swing her
Gaze over their small and silent
Motionless bodies but she cannot
Bear to look at them for long.
Those who are already dead are
Easier to behold than those who
Are dead and still walking. They
Will not make it with no food nor
Shelter for miles and no help is
Coming. No one is left to care
For the innocent who tremble
In the cold night air clutching
One another like they are not
Sure the others are even there.
The woman doesn't know either.
If these children are already
Ghosts who have wandered to
Survey where their parents fell.
She isn't sure she isn't a ghost
Watching these young souls
Though helpless to save them.
It doesn't matter if she isn't
Dead yet. She is helpless to
Time and the patient cold.
So she doesn't move or speak.
Does not disturb the dead or
Dying with meaningless words
Or empty promises and hope.
Hope is as frozen in her heart
As the blood out there on the
Snowy slopes, where it flowed
From the people she used to
Live and work beside daily. So
She waits. The cold increases.
The children huddle together.
Some wander back to the ashes
Some trek down the hillside
To meander among the dark
Lumps that scatter its whiteness.
She doesn't dare note when they
Stop moving and all the shadows
Become still again. She sinks
To her knees in the slush as more
Freezing silent hours pass and
Wishes she could cry or shout
Or scream loud enough that
Someone would hear her. That
Anyone could save them now.
Then she drifts into a blistering
Warmth that wraps around her
Mind like a numbing blanket
Crushing all her thoughts into
Oblivion. And as her eyes flicker
Shut she sees the first spark
Of dawn creep over the distant
Horizon and suddenly the grey
Sparkling snow is washed into
Technicolour with the growing
Light. Her vision is filled by
The brightness and the gleaming
Red as she finally falls forward
Into the waiting bloodied snow.
Chapter 921: Humanity Is Tragedy
Chapter Text
What do you think is the
Root cause for the human
Fascination with tragedy?
The reason why Ancient Greeks
Wrote tragic plays and why
Shakespeare wrote even more.
Why so many of our most
Beautiful songs are about
Love lost or never won.
Why our stories in books
And on the screen always
Have an element of missed
Opportunities somehow.
Why all of the heroes we
Create never end up happy.
Like we think there is a price
For surviving in this life.
Why is angsty fanfiction an
Entire category of its own.
Dedicated to increasing the
Suffering of our favourite
Characters, just as much
As fan stories work to repair
The most tragic of tales into
A more bearable ending.
We are attached to our pain.
We think it gives us meaning.
Gives meaning to the pain.
There is no one alive who
Hasn’t lost something at
Some point – even just
Their keys or a pencil.
We can disagree on the
Specifics and try to compete
With the severity but
I think what unites all of
Humanity is our tragedy.
Chapter 922: What To Love? What To Hate?
Chapter Text
I am ugly today
As I stare into
The mirror at
My reflection
In one brief
Moment when
I don't quickly
Look away
I try to raise
A smile that
Reaches my
Eyes and makes
Them slyly
Twinkle in the
Way I know they
Can but it
Doesn't help
On this day
My face doesn't
Shift and change
Into something
Less able to
Hate nor do
My cheeks
Rise or my
Jawline thin
My hair falls
Dead around
My features
Instead of
Curling and
Framing my
Expression
Like I know
It can on
Better days
Without any
Conscious
Thought my
Gaze scans
The rest of
Me and I half
Turn to assess
How much
I can hate my
Body today
Apparently
Quite a lot
Because my
Side is worse
Somehow than
My front and
My back worse
Than them
Combined
My hips are
Ugly and my
Rear and my
Stomach and
My waist and
My shoulders
And my arms
And my neck
And my face
I think the only
Thing I can
Still tolerate
About myself
Right now are
My hands -
Certainly not
My feet or
Even my eyes
Which feel
Like they are
Lying even
To myself -
My hands
That I know
So well that
I could recognise
Blind or pick
Out from
Thousands
Of strangers
I know their
Every scar
Their every
Crease and
Crinkle and
How each nail
Sits atop each
Finger distinct
From its neighbour
I know the way
They bend and
Flex unique to
Me since I have
Thumbs that
Bend to right
Angles backward
And fingers that
Curve up and
Sideways when
I hold them out
Flat and solidly
I know them
And they comfort
Me where nothing
Else can today
My hands that
Keep me alive
Even when they
Seem to do the
Most damage
To the rest of me
Hands that I have
Drawn and sketched
Using themselves
That have scuffed
And bruised and
Knawed at with
Brimming anxiety
That I have scalded
By accident and
On purpose alike
That I have torn
Up the knuckles
Of with losing fights
Against brick walls
But hands that touch
And reach and
Sense my world
That connect me
To those I love
With the smallest
Stretch and their
Simple rhythms
Of tapping and
Clicking and dancing
In the open air
That keep me sane
And let me stroke
My fluffy rabbits
Until they purr
I may hate the
Rest of me today
But I will always
Love my hands
Chapter 923: The Way I Live
Chapter Text
I often wonder
What it must be
Like to live in
The world when
You are not me.
And I don't mean
All the heartache
Or the anxious
Mental running
Or painful existing.
Just that the way it
Seems I see all the
Things around me
Is somewhat unique
And so powerful.
The way I cannot
Resist reaching out
To run my fingertips
Over ancient bark or
Hug a wide tree-trunk.
The way I name my
Houseplants and talk
To them like they are
Children, encouraging
Their quiet growth.
The way I apologise
When I collide with
Doors and tables and
Tell rolling or sliding
Objects to stay put.
The way I chat to the
Stars as if they are my
Old friends and greet
Them warmly on clear
Nights that I see them.
The way I get attached
To a small pebble like
It is my whole world
And treasure it like it
Is pure gold or silver.
The way I love to watch
Water wherever it runs or
Falls, rain on a window or
In a puddle and waterfalls
Of sunlit babbling streams.
The way my fingers dance
Through the air as I walk
Like it has a texture I can
Touch, that it has a weight
Like a soft cloth on my skin.
The way the ground is ever
Present under my feet and
My toes tap and tickle the
Surfaces beneath them as
I move even one or two steps.
The way sunsets fascinate
Me with their breathtaking
Beauty that is never the same
Twice but lights up tall trees
And sky with painted colours.
The way I adore clouds because
They are always changing and
Their shapes delight me so, so
Much that I could watch them
For hours and never be bored.
The way my trust is fragile or
Almost childlike is not so good.
The way my own breathing can
Overwhelm my senses, pretty bad.
The way eating makes me want
To scream, if I remember, sucks.
The way my eyelids weigh and
My bones itch, I really don't like.
But would I trade it all, survive
And struggle through the trials
Of living in this brain of mine.
Yes. To gaze in thoughtless
Wonder at the nights sky, at
Snow settling on thin branches,
At the mottled smooth shape
Of a pebble on a beach, at
A leaf as it drifts on a breeze.
Sometimes my world is awful
Cruel and irritating at worst
But the best is the beauty and
The shining joy it can bring
That I would never give up.
Chapter 925: I Want To Thank God For My Hands
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
I want to thank God for my hands
And their weirdness
For every quirked finger
And curled knuckle too
I could recognise them
From one in a thousand
I know every scar and
The crease of each line
It wasn't until I injured
My thumb pad that
I realised how much
I use it to do
Every press of a button
Or pinching position
Brings a sharp stab
Of pain for the next
Day or two
I appreciate more now
My gripping ability
That allows me to twirl
A pen just like I do
Even the way I can
Bend back my fingers
To nearly a right angle
Fills me with joy
Perhaps it's because
I once sketched them daily
I know every detail
Much better than most
The way my first fingers
Curl sideways and upwards
Is something unique to these
Hands God blessed me
Notes:
Weirdly enough, you can sing this poem to the tune of The Ballad Of Lucy Gray Baird (from The Ballad Of Songbirds And Snakes - the Hunger Games prequel).
:)
Chapter 926: Multiverses
Chapter Text
I believe in multiverses
Every time I look in a mirror
And it feels like someone
Other than me is looking
Back, some other version
Of me staring out of the
Reflection and meeting
My eyes with their own.
Chapter 927: Desperate Causes
Chapter Text
I often wonder
Who is more
Desperate
The ones who
Know power
And do not
Want to lose it
Or those who
Have never
Known power
And crave it
One is rooted
In fear and
The other is
Nearly fantasy
Both are needs
But not every
One gets what
They need
On the one
Hand to miss
Out on a dream
Is heartbreaking
On the other
To lose what
Forms identity
Is soul destroying
So I wonder
Which makes
People more
Desperate
More willing to
Go to any length
To sacrifice all
To succeed
For instance
Is a king at risk
Of losing his
Throne more
Dangerous
Than the rival
Trying to seize it
Because he is
Fighting for
The survival of
His heirs while
The rival is
Fighting for
His grandeur?
Chapter 928: Living To Die
Chapter Text
I have spent so much of my adult life
Planning for my death.
Not loudly just quietly inside my head.
Not plans for making it.
Just wondering what will happen.
How people react.
I suppose it never occurred to me.
The strangest thing
That could happen is what did.
I survived. I lived on
Far longer than I ever anticipated.
Without conscious choice.
Since if I were brave enough to make
Any decisions then
Living would not have ranked that highly.
But anyway I am here.
Still living but still planning for death.
It will come in the end.
None of us can run or hide from it.
No invisibility cloaks.
I am more comfortable with the concept
Than most around me.
Despite never been up close to any deaths
Beside my imaginings.
Excluding my ponderings and predictions.
Perhaps because then
I have walked side by side with possibilities.
Even run to greet death
At times when it seemed to kind and life
So cruel or painful.
Survival is never a matter of chance though.
There is effort and force
Behind its happening like a punch thrown
Into a glass window.
Sometimes there is not choice to survive
Simply the choice to not die.
Death may be defeat or success it depends
On your perspective.
Fear and longing do not cancel each other
They can coexist.
I have spent so much time muddled in
Feelings about endings
Tangled up in the threads of potentiality
Ignoring present reality.
Maybe I should look to a future where
I am alive and not decaying.
Accept that possibility of surviving and
Begin to plan again.
Plan for a full life with plenty of living.
But never forget that
For us all one day our life ends in dying.
Chapter 929: Empty Arms
Chapter Text
There is something raw and
Unspeakably painful about
Empty arms in a room full of
Children. Everywhere I look
I see parents and little ones.
Though I am blessed to be
Able to roam among them
To smile at the small faces
And be smiled at in return
By their toothy grins and by
Watching doting parents.
Even when I pick one up to
Hold them tight and chatter
Or if to my joy one raises
Their small arms at my sight.
My arms are always empty
Even when they are filled.
Because every baby I cuddle
Is only ever on loan and they
Must eventually be handed
Back to those who own them.
I can be helpful and treasured
By both adult and child for
My aid and my free smiles but
I am never within the circle.
That dear loop of family ties.
I am only an observer to that.
So I watch infant after infant
Grow into toddler then child
With each day moving further
From the bundle I can hold.
Chapter 930: What Is The Difference?
Chapter Text
What is the difference between
A reason and an excuse given?
Where is the line between an
Explanation and a defence?
Who decides the interruptions
Are valid or funny or rude?
How can laughter be a deadly
Weapon in a conversation?
And why it is that no matter
What, I am always in the wrong...
Chapter 931: Walking Blind
Chapter Text
I feel as if I am walking blind
Walking through a dark forest
Filled with fog so thick that
I cannot see my own feet so
I trip over unseen branches
And stumble again and again
Guessing and praying the path
Stays sure and clear for my
Poor blind wandering feet.
Chapter 932: Disabled Me
Chapter Text
Some days I feel judged
For being disabled...
Like when I have to take
Days off to do nothing
But sit and recover
Like when I put a cover
Note on my assignments
Or request a deadline
To be delayed a little bit
But other days I feel judged
Because people don't know
That I am disabled...
Like when I have to take
Days off to do nothing
Like when I don't talk
Much or at all because
Speaking just takes too
Much effort somehow
Like when I don't help
Carry or move things
Because my legs or
Arms won't respond
Though I want to move
But in a shocking turn
Of events: my disability
Sometimes disables me...
Chapter 933: How does that work?
Chapter Text
All day, and all of yesterday in fact,
I have been so utterly exhausted.
The kind of tired that makes you
Feel sick, with a headache at the
Back of the skull kind of worn out.
This morning I did leave the house
For a few hours and returned so
Drained, though happy I had gone.
And yet this evening, even though
I thought I was ready for bed at
Ten, I got a spark of inspiration
For a Christmas present for my
Sister... So I spent the next hours
Tapping away on my laptop with
The screen brightness at its lowest
But still squinting at the light and
Not even registering the time. Now
It's nearing half one in the morning
And I am still awake! I've got work
Tomorrow, with zero percent battery
Left at this rate, but somehow my
Brain is still buzzing like it's midday.
So how does that work? Brain r u ok?
Chapter 934: Howling Winds
Chapter Text
I find no weather
Quite so frightening
As the howling wind.
Snow signals fun times
Sleet means cold and
Soggy slush all over
The streets and trees
Rain and floods never
Scared me much since
My whole life I have
Lived on top of a hill
Even lightening holds
Little fear as it mostly
Leaves me awestruck
With its powerful beauty
Thunder irritates me
More than upsets as
Its loudness rattles
The insides of my head
But something about
The wind terrifies me
The way it whistles
And shakes the trees
Beyond my window
Like at any moment
It could throw them
Over my head – yet
It doesn’t – like a cat
Playing with its food
And the noise of the
Screaming branches
Makes my heart race
With every loud gust
Always reminding me
Of some raging beast
Just outside the walls
Pacing and waiting
For me to venture
Out unprotected to
Be vanquished by
The power of that
Terrifying wind.
Chapter 935: Heart-Weary
Chapter Text
I am not heart-broken
When I see the news,
Not any more, mostly
I am not even shocked.
I am not heart-sick
When I hear about
Explosions and wars,
I am simply numb.
I am not heart-felt
When I pray for
Peace that I do not
Even think possible.
I am just heart-weary.
I am heart-weary
When I see video
After video about
Gaza or Ukraine or
Congo or Sudan or
A politician's plans.
I am heart-weary
When I see a video
Of someone kicking
A dog, or starving
Children, or terrified
Traumatised refugees.
I am heart-weary
When people ask me
To care about their
Problems like which
Turkey to buy or
Christmas shopping.
I am heart-weary
When someone asks
Me for my view on
Capitalism or politics
Or to talk about world
Hunger or world peace.
I am heart-weary
When people criticise
Every media that is
Created like everything
Has to be perfect or
It cannot continue on.
I am heart-weary
At all the tired eyes
And drained faces
That I see around me
Every day that never
Seem to recover but
Keep going and working
In a slog of days that
Never seem to end.
I am heart-weary
When I look at this world.
Are you?
Chapter 936: The Art Of Timelessness
Chapter Text
If there is one thing
I need to accept it
Is that change is
Constant and nothing
Stays the same
Human beings drift
Even when we are
Anchored to people
Or places or things
That we love or need
We never stay still
Even if we really try
We're always moving
Our lives changing
Like our bodies which
Grow and wear down
Whether we like it
Or choose it or not
Like the world around
Us that breathes with
Changes of the seasons
Like the colours of
The leaves and the
Coats of fluffy animals
As the temperature
Rises and falls yearly
Daily and monthly
Even the chemicals
In our own bodies
Do that over time
And our relationships
To each other never
Remain stationary
They grow or fail
They build or fall
They deepen or
They weaken away
It's like a dance
We all play a part
Because if we never
Stop then we can
Never truly meet
But I believe that
There are some
Moments when
Time stands still
Such precious
Instants in life
When souls touch
And eyes are
Open in wonder
When everything
Just exists for
A second and
It is beautiful
And raw and
Painful and real
And we cannot
Capture it like
It's a fairy from
One of those
Stories we like
To tell so often
We spend our
Lives trying to
Capture it in
Words or paint
Or music or
Movement and
We can come close
So very close and
Meet each other
Truly know one
Another in those
Times when we
All strive to be
Understood or
To understand
The magic all
Around us if
We have the
Patience and
The strength
To hold onto a
Single moment
With both hands
And grip it tight
So that we can
See art in time
Passing us by
And smile at our
Helplessness
And our humanity
That makes us
Want to share it
Chapter 937: Fighting To Prove...
Chapter Text
Some days it feels like
I spend all of my life
Fighting to prove how
Hard it is to live it and
Fighting to prove how
Hard it is to live every
Day fighting to prove
How hard it is to fight
Every day to prove it...
Chapter 938: Chasing Mental Dogs
Chapter Text
Often the best
Metaphor for
My mental state
Is perpetually
Chasing after
A runaway dog
That is actually
My brain hopping
Merrily from one
Thought to another
Ironically without
A second thought
For how the rest
Of my tired brain
Could possibly
Keep up hence
All this constant
Mental running
That so exhausts
And the growing
Frustration at the
Yapping dog that
Won't be caught
Chapter 939: Little Voice
Chapter Text
That little voice is back again
It keeps whispering in my ear
I can't escape its murmurings
And I can't wash away its sneer
It wants me to go backwards
To repeat my past mistakes
Its arguments are convincing
Enough I hesitate then shake
My head as if it had spoken
Out loud instead of in my head
I can't decide if it's an old friend
Or old enemy that wants me dead
It promises such good things
If I follow its dark instructions
It lures me into shadows with
All its dangerous seductions
It knows me far too well you see
I can't fend off all its attacks
It finds my every weakness
Every chink across my back
Nothing good will happen if
I make the mistake of listening
It will only lead to blood and tears
And guilt I won't be escaping
I can't take the risk that I might
Submit just to get out of hell
I don't want to backtrack or
Fall again under its dark spell
So now here I am writing out
All my thoughts to distract
Me from the lurking demons
My exhausted state attracts
Maybe if I keep on typing
The little voice will go away
But for this moment when
I pause then it does not delay
In reminding me what I am
And exactly who I used to be
When I spent every night
Enthralled with its insanity
Can you hear its whispers?
Do they echo in my words
Like they ring inside my head?
Can you tell it to be silent?
It won't listen to my attempts.
Chapter 940: One
Chapter Text
Can I ever be a first choice?
Someone to hold close and
Want to keep safe, the one
To go to for comfort or to
Feel love, the one who
Is the rock in the storm
The hope poets speak of
And the love that songs
That make me cry are
Sung about all day long.
Will I ever be that to
Somebody? Their One.
Not Another, or Other.
Not Second or Third.
To love the way that
Makes hearts ache and
Tears swell when they
Get broken or bruised.
I am tired of my cage
That is partly of my
Own design and partly
Others’ arrangement
Pacing up and down
Contemplating how
To reach out through
The narrow bars and
Not get bitten or burned.
My chest feels hollow
Like there is something
Missing in my being
A core component
That got left out in
My manufacturing
Another fault to add
To my collection and
Another flaw to repel
Strangers from connection.
The bars are rusted but
Still do not break as
I lean against them
Weary and weep.
Chapter 941: Mental Health Broke
Chapter Text
Looking back, I think I realise
Why my teenage actions so
Alarmed my teachers because
I can count on two hands the
Number of people I knew
Back then who hurt themselves
To cope. Some did it in fairly
Unobtrusive ways that you
Would have to know the
Mindset to recognise, like
Smoking drugs or repeated
Abusive boyfriends, not all
Of us cut ourselves, you know.
But of those who did, why
Did I cause so much concern
Among peers and staff alike.
I have a few theories but
First of all I was quite
Blase about my wounds
And would reveal them
With the slightest or in
Fact zero provocation
To both pupils and adults
Which generated great
Fear for all our mental
States after a viewing of
My bloody displays. This
Was mostly because I
Could not understand the
Importance of secrecy
Since everyone already
Knew they were there
But apparently for most
Knowing and witnessing
Such things are different.
Unfortunately I only truly
Learnt this lesson after
I saw some similar marks
On a friend’s wrist and
It caused a reaction, well
No that’s not quite true.
After they saw my wrist
And generated some new
Injuries as a result, which
I then saw… That is what
Finally got that memo
Through my dense skull.
So secondly, once concealment
Had been taught to me -
A skill the others already
Knew I now recall and
My lack of which had
Gotten me caught and
On all and every radar -
To my teachers’ dismay
I was smart, let’s say
Well not exactly but yes.
More accurately I was
Paranoid and anxious
So able to think ahead
For every action that
They took I was already
Ten steps in front of them
I had back up plans atop
Back up plans and they
Never ever got through
All of them, even when
I gave up and surrendered
Several contingencies
Survived. Not only was
I prepared but I was both
Desperate and determined
Which all involved would
Discover to be a deadly
Combination, because
While I was choosy
I was not picky – in a
Pinch, which ironically
Would work too, I could
Use anything that could
Bring out pain and block
Out my brain. I’ve used
Broken glass and rusted
Nails, which I would
Really not recommend
And led to much worry,
I’ve tried twisted plastic
And rubber bands, the
Latter I still favour today,
I’ve hidden scissors and
Knives and sharpener
Blades inside coat
Pockets and pencil
Bags and phone cases.
I also knew every inch
Of the school, I could
Plot - usually correctly
- Which classrooms
Were or would be in
Use. All these skills
Some learned, some
Improvised and some
Picked up on the road,
Meant I was a dangerous
Collection of prepared
Practicality and calculating
Mental health broke.
Chapter 942: Alone Not Lonely
Chapter Text
Just because I've never
Had a boyfriend
Or a girlfriend even
Does not mean that
I haven't truly lived
Because I have had
Deep relationships
They just have never
Ever involved sex
Nor does it mean
That there have not
Been painful breakups
Full of jagged edges
And raw open wounds
I have songs I cannot
Listen to without
Remembering certain
People or moments
Which then of course
Reminds me of how
I lost them or destroyed
That relationship too
Friends and teachers
The lines get blurred
Once I get attached
The dangers grow soon
I have hurt too many
That I cared about
And been left scarred
By past events just
Like relationships
That have any weight
Can do to you - just
Like the songs say
That I can relate to
Just because there
Has been no romance
Does not mean there
Was no heartbreak too
Chapter 943: Heroes' Tales
Chapter Text
What is it about that age of heroes?
Sailing across the bright blue seas.
Finding adventure, fighting monsters
Escaping danger and seeking glory.
Their tales have been handed down
Through countless centuries now.
Their quests repeated and retold.
Each character played as protagonist.
Every villain's defences extolled.
What is it about their stories that
Interests so many generations?
Are their actions noble or cruel?
Vindictive or mighty or just human?
How we love to argue every goal.
We like the idea of excursions off
Across wondrous oceans and
Beautiful landscapes, meeting
Anything and everything we could
Dream up to face as friend or foe.
Our imagination unlimited and
The excitement unparalleled too.
We sing songs about them and
Write stories and plays and books.
Each one subtly different, not
A single version edited the same.
It's not that we disagree or believe
The variations are truth versus lies.
But simply that we rewrite these
Ancient stories to be whatever
We want or need them to be.
Just as everyone and anyone who
Has told them around a campfire
Or stovetop or deck always has.
Because we are human and
They are too. While we keep
Telling their myths they live on.
Our excitement is theirs and
Their thrill is mirrored in ours.
Like our fear and our envy and
Our delight. Their hope shared.
The way we all strive for a better
Tomorrow and work for a future
We can bear. How we crave to
Be remembered and make our
Actions worthy of legends...
Heroes are human incarnate.
Imperfect, always flawed and
Rarely receiving of happiness
That manages to last forever.
They are our therapy and our
Vent for life's wear and tear.
They suffer like we do and
They heal when we can't...
They carry on, no matter what
Often even after death, like
We can only aspire to. Heroic
Or not their actions they
Somehow resonate in our
Consciousness and draw
All fragile weary hearts in.
Their stories will never die.
Just like them. The age of
Heroes never did end.
It merely evolved just like
The rest of humanity did.
And while we stay fixed in
Our broken heartfelt lives
Always looking to the edge
Of the horizon, then the
Adventure will survive.
Chapter 944: Angry Powerful Youth
Chapter Text
Rosa Parks was no heroine.
Listen close, I'll say that again.
She was selected and chosen
For a planned staged event
That was coordinated to
Kickstart the larger protests.
She was a 'respectable'
Married woman you see
And deemed an image
More flattering to the cause
And more likely to gather
Sympathy from outsiders,
Because she was paler
Than the girl who sat
Down before she did...
And married, don't forget
Unlike the young mother
To be Claudette Colvin.
Age fifteen when she sat
And stayed in a place
People told her she
Wasn't supposed to be
On a bus in the same
City, nine months before.
She whom I like to think
Was so genuinely tired
Body and soul that one
Day, after a history lesson
That would shape future
History lessons for years,
She refused to budge
In that way only angry
Defiant young people do
With arms folded and
A determined tired glint
In her eye, planting her
Feet on the floor. And so
I have respect for her
Like for Greta Thunberg
But I can't get past how
Constructed the image
Of Rosa Parks actually is.
She was as prejudiced
As anyone from her era
Or age and if I imagine
Her meeting more than
Half of the people I know
Who are trans and NB
Queer and aroace then
She would have a heart
Attack, no question...
I don't really know what
I would do if I met her
Like Doctor Who could
Make possible, I would
Probably just walk past
Her on the street because
What would I say? I don't
Know if I'd applaud her or
Criticise, thank or threaten
Praise or plead with, spit or
Smack or offer a handshake.
All I know is that if we keep
Rewriting history to fit with
All our nice neat stories
Then we will keep erasing
The power of young people
To just say 'no' when they
Reach their limit of tolerance
And stand up, metaphorically,
For what they truly believe
In their heart on those long
Late nights when all resolve
And opinion is stripped away.
Perhaps that is the goal of
So much retelling, to gift the
Power back into the hands
Of those elders holding the
Story book and quill – but
No matter how many times
They spin it: the angry youth
Have the power to change it all.
Never forget that. Nor the name
Claudette Colvin either.
Chapter 945: Thrive & Survive
Chapter Text
My autism makes it difficult to thrive
But it is also the reason that I survive
It is what makes me spend long hours alone
Happy in my room just chilling in the zone
Too hot or too cold and I get agitated
But my nest of blankets makes me sated
I find some foods unbearable to eat
But then I’ll enjoy some strange treat
I hate onion but I love cheese like a freak
And I once ate fried egg every day for a week
I struggle to know if I'm hungry or digesting
But I find certain foods to be mood stabilising
Weirdly I am aware of movement inside my skin
The procession of food can be quite distracting
I often find every sensation far too loud
But it mean I relish in the quietest sound
Bright lights can hurt my eyes and brain
But I can watch for hours the pouring rain
Some days I can feel every inch of my skin teem
So the slightest touch makes me want to scream
My feet can get too sensitive to tolerate walking
But stroking a fluffy rabbit can be so calming
I detest with a passion the roar of a hoover
But I find music can be the ultimate soother
I cannot listen while sitting completely still
‘Cause I listen with my whole body to every trill
I get so overwhelmed by emotions that I ache
My empathy is such that I cry when trees break
I don't have many friends to name but then again
I think I only know how to define them in vain
I name my houseplants and every teddy bear
But I often forget to water them and take care
So many days I can’t get out of bed or move
But seeing sunlit forests makes me improve
For weeks I’ll be numb and get zero work done
Then in one day I will manage to work a tonne
I can get so panicked that I forget to breathe
But when I am focused I forget what I can’t see
Sometimes I get too burnt out to even speak
So I sign when my hands aren't too weak
And even if my mouth refuses to cooperate
There’ll always be my poetry for while I wait
My brain never shuts up and can help a heap
It finds patterns really well but it’s hard to sleep
Along with mental subtitles I am always fidgeting
My fingers dancing to a music only I am hearing
I get great grades and love writing my essays
But deadlines stress me so bad my eyes glaze
I can forget to eat or drink or go to the loo
When I'm too engrossed on one project or two
I don't like eye contact and find small talk hard
So I talk to the moon and I talk to the stars
I misunderstand what people say quite a lot
But I feel misunderstood more often than not
Sarcasm can floor me and leave me confused
But I’ll become more sarcastic the more I’m amused
For me communication is difficult and draining
I need to recharge with time alone and refraining
But I could talk for hours about things I adore
Like a book that I read or some cloud that I saw
Like how I hate the feeling of sand against my skin
And that feeling of saltiness after a seaside swim
But I love the ocean so much I’ll dive straight in
Hold my breath to see the sunlight ripples within
Hey that almost sounds like a metaphor or something
Chapter 946: Privilege?
Chapter Text
Yes, in many ways, I am privileged
But really, I should not be...
It should not be a privilege to be
Able to learn to read and write
It should not be a privilege to be
Able to gain a higher education
It should not be a privilege to be
Able to vote on who makes the laws
It should not be a privilege to choose
Whom I might marry or might not
It should not be a privilege to have
Access to menstrual products
It should not be a privilege to be
Whatever religion I choose to be
It should not be a privilege not to
Be judged for the colour of my skin
It should not be a privilege to not
Feel threatened by police presence
It should not be a privilege to be
Able to travel beyond my country
It should not be a privilege to have
Been born where I call my home
It should not be a privilege to have
A constant roof over my head
It should not be a privilege to have
Been raised by my blood parents
It should not be a privilege to be
Employed or to not be on benefits
It should not be a privilege to be
Able to hear or to be able to see
It should not be a privilege to eat
Three meals a day, every day a week
It should not be a privilege to drink
Clean water that is safe to consume
It should not be a privilege to breathe
Smoke-free air that is not toxic fumes
It should not be a privilege to have
Access to healthcare and medicine
It should not be a privilege to be me.
I should say thank you every day to all the
Gods above that I was born where I was
And look like I do – that is not to say that
My life has always been smooth sailing
Though many could argue I’ve had it easy
I say that my pain is simply that: my pain
Unique to me, not more or less than any other
We all have our wars to wage so I argue
It shouldn’t matter our skin or hair or eyes
It shouldn’t matter our country or religion
It shouldn’t matter who we love or how we live
Just that kindness and tolerance prompt
Action to make a difference and turn
Those privileges into rights that exist!
Chapter 947: The Band Is Playing
Chapter Text
News articles get worse and worse
Every day a new disaster reported
School shootings and greedy politicians
Presidents breaking their own laws
Wild fires, flash floods and hurricanes
Earthquakes and volcanic eruptions
A young girl's murder, a student's suicide
Trans people banned from bathrooms
Police shooting minorities and protesters
Huge companies selling information
Favourite TV shows being cancelled
Actors and writers striking for sanity
Trees chopped down and art vandalised
Innocents bombed and gunned down
Genocide becomes commonplace
War crimes just a regular working day
Cost of living perpetually on the rise
House prices too high for all designs
One percent holding the majority of coin
The rest left in dust to scrape and salvage
Public opinion is a war torn arena
And the internet is self-combusting
Trust and facts are blurred lines
The wisest torn down by baseless lies
Rich sex offenders fucking walk free
Abortion is criminalised by the stupidest
Queer books are banned and burned
Education is crumbling into clumps
The sky is grey and rain keeps falling
Children cry like they know what's coming
Accusations and indecision rule all
Choosing to do nothing seems compelling
But we keep speaking out
Hoping things will change
Somehow like it won't
Always be like it is now
Screaming at the stars like
They will reply to our shouts
Singing back and forth with
Our voices raised so loud
Smoke and tears in our eyes
Stinging as we smile on
Defiant as the rising sun
We stand at the edge of
An unknown fate but we
Keep standing as we wait
Who knows what will happen
If we can change the ending
Rewrite the story that they
Say is already written and
Fix what has been broken
Human beings are stubborn things
We hold on tight when hope is gone
And just keep dancing bravely on
Like the band that keeps playing
On the deck of a sinking ship
We don't recognise when we're beaten
We don't admit we can't handle it
We can't confess we should cut our losses
Flee like the rats do from disasters
Instead we rise when we should fall
Stand with locked hands to face it all
Chapter 948: Just Take The Edge Off
Chapter Text
It's days like this that can be
The most dangerous, when
I'm feeling sort of off-balance
Like I'm light-headed and dizzy
And shaky as if I haven’t eaten
Like I'm standing on a boat
That no one else can see
So my brain says I need a hit
Just to take the edge off
It always sounds so reasonable
And it would be so easy to do
But I close my eyes for a second
I breathe in deeply then move
I have cake and I have coffee
Sugar and sweetness to soothe
And I go for a walk if I'm able
Read my book if it's too soon
Try to push those thoughts
To the far back of my mind
Where they linger like echoes
Whispering about requirements
Pretending I am ignorant of
What the worst would mean
On a day like this when
My emotions and thoughts
Aren't truly my own and
Anything could happen
So for now I try to breathe
And then later I’ll try to sleep
Chapter 949: Perfect Imperfections
Chapter Text
The moon does not
Have to be whole
To be loved
A jewel can be
Flawed and still
Be beautiful
A butterfly can be
Damaged and
Yet still fly
A rose can flower
But it needs its
Sharp thorns
A story is not
Complete without
Every page
A poem does not
Have to be perfect
To be powerful
Chapter 950: Waking Anger
Chapter Text
You scream at me to get up
Without even stopping to wonder
What kind of night I have had
That leaves me still exhausted
You complain about my sleep
Schedule like I prefer it either
Berate me when I don’t move
Quite as quickly in the mornings
But you can’t understand the
Effort needed to rise from bed
You never stop to muse if maybe
My night has been a nightmare
You never once pause to consider
That I cannot fall asleep easily
That maybe I endure the dark
With eyes wide open and staring
Watching the hours tick on by
Unable to be calm or truly rest
My thoughts like a runaway train
My soul screaming out for peace
I turn to my phone screen only
As a last resort to keep my sanity
I don’t want to be awake all night
But I don’t always get an option
Which you might realise if you
Ever thought about me in this
Situation instead of expecting
I will bend to your will and way
You yell at me to get out of bed
Just to give me instructions for
A task I can do at any time so
Long as it is done by this time
Tomorrow? Take a step back
And check where you stand!
That makes no sense and so I
Will only stay quiet for so long
While tiredness dulls my senses.
Chapter 951: Crying
Chapter Text
To start with I was just crying
A fairly steady trickle of tears
That I brush away but return
They feel cold on my face
And silently drop off my chin
Once I'm home and curled in bed
The tears become ragged sobs
The kind that leaves me gasping
For breath as I turn into my pillow
That becomes increasingly damp
First I was crying for no reason
I could discern then I was crying
Because I didn't know why I was
And then I began crying simply
For the fact that I was crying
When all I did was get on a bus
And walk home in the dark...
What calmed me down was
Thinking of these words and
Planning out how to order them
Where to put breaks or pauses
And which synonyms to use
Chapter 952: Talking To Nature
Chapter Text
I have never understood
People very well - they
Confuse me so I find
Company elsewhere
I talk to the trees and
I listen to the leaves
I banter with the breeze
As it plays with my hair
I compliment the butterfly
I confer with the ladybird
I grumble with the beetle
And worm that digs earth
I chat with the stars
I croon at the moon
I confess to the sunset
And object to the sunrise
I twitter to the birds
I hum with the bees
I sway with dandelions
And I race with their seeds
I muse with the ocean
I crash with the waves
I swirl with the tides
And I swim in the light
I tiptoe on the grass
I leap on rocky paths
I slide through sand
That slips under me
I call out to the clouds
I smile at snowflakes
I stare at rain drops as
They run down windows
I gasp at lightening
I flinch at thunder
I shout with the wind
And wonder at frost
I chatter with the brook
I murmur to the stream
I gamble in the puddles
And I splash in the sea
I plod up the mountain
I caper through forests
I stumble in the moorland
And I wander on the beach
I sing to my rabbits
I cherish every frog
I greet all the squirrels
That jump on branches
I welcome each dog
I curtsey to every cat
I inspect any mouse
And I squeak at the rats
Chapter 953: Be The One
Chapter Text
There is something
So infinitely precious
About being the one
Who watches raindrops
Run down windows
The one who counts
The petals of a daisy
Who smells a new book
Like it's a sweet perfume
Who smiles at the stars
And who greets the moon
Like an old friend
The one who makes
Up tales about places
That have never been
Who writes poems to
Convey all that cannot
Be contained in words
The one who holds
Close the stories from
Centuries ago and
Who treasures every
Detail about lives
Older than even trees
And catalogues all the
Pieces of the dead
The one who marvels
At graceful columns
Who makes remarks on
Beautiful architecture
Who stares at stained
Glass windows and
Mosaic masterpieces
The one who mourns
Mowing the lawn and
Grieves every broken
Rusted discarded thing
The one who values
Every life including
Those imagined
The one who thrives
On quiet moments
Watching the sunset
The one who knows
Where the world is
Heading but still
Chooses to care
The one who hums
A tune as they work
Who hears music
With their whole body
Who dances for no
One but themselves
The one who stands
Silent in doorways
The one who watches
Others sitting on the bus
The one who reads orders
And imagines the hands
And face that placed them
The one who draws
Smiley faces on a
Steamed up mirror
Who stamps winky
Faces in the snow
Who sees faces in
The constellations
Who finds expressions
In the rustling leaves
And hears voices
In the swirling breeze
The one who cannot
Throw away a soft toy
Who loves deeply the
Fallen leaf of burnt red
Who collects shining
Conkers and acorns
Who whispers secrets
To patient old trees
The one who laughs
With the wind and
Shouts with thunder
The one who can watch
The clouds shift for
Literal hours and hours
The one who thinks
Too much and feels
Too much to think
And the one who
Looks out the window
Waiting for something
That can never be
Chapter 954: Rejected
Summary:
So... I got rejected from Oxford. And it sucks. Real bad.
Chapter Text
I don’t know why I’m so upset
It’s not like all my hopes and
Dreams went down the drain
Everything I thought my future
Would be is now in ashes before me
In some ways it’s my own fault
For not having put another plan in place
I put all my eggs in the basket
That just went up in flames
So yes I’m upset, yes I’m crying
I think for just this once I am entitled
To shed more than a few tears because
I was so prideful that I never truly
Considered that I would be rejected
I had everything they said they needed
Several things they said they wanted
So it was reasonable that I thought
My odds were good, one in twenty
But things haven’t gone my way
Now I’m lost stumbling in the dark
Unprepared and caught off guard
My plans never included this part
I haven’t got a clue, no direction
I don’t even know which step is next
What do I do when life throws a curveball
So severe my head is still reeling over
Something I hadn’t anticipated at all
Is this my fault for not thinking the worst
For the first time in my life I foolishly
Let hope drive my thoughts forward
I started dreaming before confirming
I imagined potentials like certainties
I let myself wish on a fragile thing
And there isn’t a quick fix for this
Not even a slow patch that I can see
They haven’t told me what I did wrong
So there’s no simple error to correct
My brain is being my brain and
Is furiously trying to work out
What went wrong but I don’t know
And there is no way I can find out
So all I can do is list everything
That could possibly be my fault
Because I can’t shake that fact
That this is all my fault somehow
Even if I can’t actually discern
What the fault in me is
I want to rage and scream
Punch things and go numb
I want a shoulder to lean on
And a big box of tissues
But all I have are words
Words to express everything in
The jumbled mess I am feeling
Words to explain how I process
Explain what has happened
Explain to myself what to do next
With words I can talk myself
Through my emotions and reactions
Talk myself through the steps
One at a time, sometimes such
Simple things like breathing
I call my sister and I talk some more
Then I make a plan or two or three
My brain thinking so fast to find
The answers that it frantically seeks
Racing to problem solve in the fog
I fumble blindly and yet I find
My next steps; but I wait first
Pausing in spite of my fear
And my anxiousness to allow
My despair and hopelessness
My anger and my sorrow
My regret and remorse
To flood my senses fully
I will not run away
From my tears that tell me
This is really happening
That this is no nightmare
Or anxiety conjured reality
They say when one door
Closes then another opens
So right now I am going to
Let my tears fall freely
Then close my eyes and pray
Pray for peace over the
Door that has been barred
And barricaded for me
And then pray for guidance
Towards the door that
I pray is waiting for me
Chapter 955: Rations
Chapter Text
I have to ration being happy.
My favourite snack is frozen
Cherries, they make me feel
Warm inside – ironically –
But they upset my stomach
If I have too many or too often
So when I am craving them
Instead what I say to myself is:
Do I really need to be happy
Right now, can’t I just wait
A little while to balance out.
I have to ration being pain-free.
My anxiety convinces me that
There will always be another
Time that my medication will
Be needed more than right now
So I push on and work through
My pounding headaches and
Sharp shooting stomach pains
Even my period cramps I endure
Until it’s late and time to sleep
I save the pain relief for then.
I have to ration feeling safe.
For me safety is a luxury so
I count every minute, though
I don’t always realise it, when
I am sane enough to be alone
And I spend those minutes as best
I can to make sure I get through
Every night and long evenings
To wake up the next day and
To keep my from body needing
Time to heal its wounds today.
I have to ration my productivity.
Each day I have to determine
What should be my top priority:
Some days that is food or water
Some it must be work, others
I have to clean and do chores
In the house to keep it liveable,
Sometimes all I do is hyperfocus
On anything other than what I know
Full well I should be doing instead
But my productivity is not a choice.
I have to ration communicating.
Some days it feels like there is
A word count, an invisible limit
On everything I say; at times
Speaking is too hard, too much
Effort to fathom, and my lips
Feel like they are glued shut
So I never ever take for granted
The days I can talk for hours
On things I am passionate about
Or with those whom I dearly love
My life is full of calculations
My brain working constantly
To determine how far I can
Stretch and keep going in
Any given circumstance and
I find myself sacrificing basic
Needs, interests, connections
And general well being – all
In an effort to hold myself
Together in one piece for
One day longer, so I ration
All I am for all I might be.
Chapter 956: My Queen
Chapter Text
Long live the queen
I still say under my breath
Because my denial is
A powerful thing
Especially inside my head
To me she's still out there
Sitting on her antique throne
Or sill roaming the Highlands
That she likes to call home
In my mind her son has
Just stepped in to do
Some more work lately
So that she can relax
Kick back and spend
More quality time with
Her sweet pack of corgis
Old Philip had better
Wait patiently up there
Because it's gonna be
A long time before I can
Imagine her in a heaven
That doesn't involve
Dramatic heather hills
Fluffy yapping dogs or
Beautiful horses and ponies
I see her in every rainbow
That reminds me of her
Wardrobe palette and
Any time I see my middle
Name written down
Her smile I can recall
Crystal clear with my
Eyes tightly closed
Olympic skydiving and
Paddington tea parties
Are moments engrained
On my personal memories
It will be a long while until
I can bring myself to face
That I no longer have
Spent my whole life in
An Elizabethan age
Maybe after I've seen
A few more coronations
Their weight and meaning
Might start to sink in
But no point in history
Will ever measure up to
The shot of cars racing
Through Scottish gates
Or the grandchildren
Standing guard around
A coffin draped in colour
Or the way that this
Country stood still for
A week just to process
The rock that was gone
So I hope she forgives me
My little idle daydreams
And my stubbornness
That refuses to relent
And sing anything else
To the national tune but
God save the Queen
Chapter 957: The Sound of Playtime
Chapter Text
The sound of children playing
Used to mean failure to me
For context I live next to a
Primary school so when I was
Younger I would only ever hear
Their chatter and laughter
If I was not at school like them
Which to me meant I had failed
To push through whatever
Mentally or physically ailed me
And had woken still in bed
When late morning arrived
With the sound of playtime
From beyond my window
A sound I viewed as a signal
Of defeat and surrender…
Then there were the months
Of lockdown when I barely
Ever heard any other voices
Apart from my own family
And I could say I missed
The children's laughter but
When COVID began I was
In sixth form facing exams
And when the world emerged
I was mid way through my
First year at university though
I was still living at home and
Working online like so many.
In that time spent in the lost
Months of the pandemic that
Echoing sound of playtime
Had changed its meaning as
It could no longer be a reminder
Of failure when my timetable
No longer matched those schools
Where children played and
My daily rhythms had changed
So drastically and fundamentally
It was no longer a sound I only
Heard when I was sick or tired
But an everyday instrument in
The background symphony
A blur in peripheral as I sat at
A table with my laptop open
Trying to work in the bustle
Of a kitchen in a house full
Of three people running on
Three very different schedules.
Now I am on a gap year of sorts
With my time sat studying from
A laptop only on pause I swear
I am working elsewhere and also
Gathering funds slowly but surely
So now the sound of children
Wakes me when I sleep in late
They signal that the day has
Already begun without me and
I need to get a move on before
The bell rings like clockwork
That I can hear ticking away
Without needing to open my eyes.
I lie here in the semi-darkness
Of a room trying to block out
The light of day when I have
Just rolled out of sleep to hear
The high happy calls and shouts
The chatter and laughter and
Squeals that merge into one jolly
Tumbling sound of playtime
And I think to myself that
When I leave here and move
Out of this house one day
Then I will miss the noise that
Acts as a helpful alarm clock
And also a useful reminder of
Childish dreams and the way
That children hope so boldly
I believe the sound has an echo
As it stretches out beyond
The playground across houses
Roads and roofs and doors
To be heard by all who listen
In a world that has somehow
Forgotten what children
Playing truly sounds like.
Chapter 958: Learning Lessons I Didn't Want
Chapter Text
I hate the way that everything is tainted
How I can’t do so many things I enjoy
The way I have to avoid topics I love
Can’t bear to think about things I am proud of
So much I have done that should fill me with joy
Just feels bitter and hollow now
I remember the excitement that made
My heart race and my fingers fidget
The smile on my face and how fast I talked
How long I could talk about some things
But now I can’t even open my mouth
The enthusiasm is still there inside me
But it’s grey and cold when it used to
Be bright and buzzing with colours
And I flinch back from it like a bruise
I tiptoe around its edges and don’t
Dare poke or prod it out of fear
I’ve been burned too many times
That is what I am so afraid of
That finally the lesson has sunk in
Finally I have reached the point
Where I am too afraid to even try
There are only so many times
Someone can get back up after
Being knocked to the ground
Time and time again I have fallen
Only half of which were because
Of my legs giving out on me
The rest were from a push or a shove
Or when another door was slammed
In my face like I do not exist
Now I am so scared because
Logic is on the side of my fear
Logic tells me that my fears
Are grounded and not in my head
Because they are but I pray
That doesn’t make them true
Can it be my imagination
My brain making connections
Piecing the puzzle together
Making leaps and filling in gaps
Maybe I am wrong and the
Past is all coincidences
Can I successfully ignore
The tiny voice that whispers
That the common factor has
Always been me and that
The true fault is mine alone.
Chapter 959: The Hope Of Spring Flowers
Chapter Text
I try to take hope
In these blossoms
The eager early
Springtime blooms
Those little sprouting
Spots of colour
With delicate petals
Open wide to the
Sky and the frost
Living bravely
Growing beauty
A scattered rainbow
In a world of grey.
I wish I could be
As brave as the
Lone daffodil or
That first snowdrop
To peak its green
Shoots up above
The parapet like
Pinpricks of light
Or those warrior
Crocuses who
Weather the cold
Like the sentries on
Guard all night long.
They are beautiful
In their vulnerability
They make my eyes
Fill with tears and
My throat clog with
Awe for their courage
Against the cold they
Stand with colour
And brightness
Acting as armour
A living hope made
Precious by its
Dear mortality.
Silky blossoms are
Battered and shredded
By the heavy sheets
Of grey rain that
Hurl down from the
Dull skies above so
Unrelenting though
The timid tiny petals
Are torn and bruised
Under the assault
Still their faces lift
To the break in the
Shadowed clouds
To the dim but
Growing sunlight
That rips through
To bring a dawn
At midday and
All those brave
Flowers with
Sodden sagging
Leaves and clinging
Scraps of colourful
Petals all salute the
Weak but bravely
Shining spring sun.
Chapter 960: Prefixed
Chapter Text
Every time I feel so unable
I pause to remind myself
That it's 'dis' not 'un' as if
A different negative prefix
Will make everything better
I sometimes think that I am
A prefix - my existence was
Fixed in stone before I had
Ever taken my first breath
My ability pre-impeded
Chapter 961: I Am Broken Pieces Held Together
Chapter Text
I am so painfully aware of my own brokenness
It's like if I look close enough then I can see the
Light shining dimly through all the many cracks
That spiderweb their way through my fragile
Damaged heart like splinter lines through ice
That is about to give way any second and you
Know you should never put your full weight upon
No matter how many times I patch the holes
No matter how much energy I devote to repairing
The fractures they remain and cut and jab at
My insides with every step and every breath
I can hardly move without remembering the
Shards that live inside my chest like a mockery
Of a functioning whole healed human being
I believe in those old sayings about broken things
Being healed into even stronger things than
They ever were before and I know how metal
Strengthens when it is annealed and forged
But I am not iron or clay instead I am stone
Tunnelled with fault lines of weakness waiting
To be revealed in the next storm that is brewing
With every frost I crack a little more and some
New fragment flakes away from me into dust
And I cannot mend my defences fast enough
I cannot prepare for the next attack before it
Has already arrived and I am left piling mud
In the abyss where stones walls used to stand
I can see all the gaps in my heart's fortifications
Perhaps from the outside the facade holds
But from within I can feel the cold wind whistling
Through every crevice and crack to stroke
My cheek and run a chill finger down my spine
Until I shiver and get back to work repairing
All the parts of me that are so broken and
That I can never truly fix to make whole or replace
Enough that I will forget that which is missing
My life is a circle of yielding blows and rebuilding
Irreparable destruction like I am trying to construct
The Eiffel Tower out of chopsticks and sand
In the middle of a raging hurricane in midwinter
My hands are numb and frozen and my back
Aches and my head hurts and I am so so tired
I sit back on my heels to survey the carnage
The patches on my very soul that quiver at
The slightest hint of pain or fear or sorrow like
Skeleton leaves on a tree approaching winter
The only sign that life might survive within the
Layers of bark and defensive clawing branches
And when faced with my own desolation then
I react like a wild animal backed into a corner
Desperate to defend my delicate wounded core
With naivety and wilful ignorance if possible
But I am tragically aware of my own brokenness
All the parts I cannot fix and all the jagged edges
Of things I fail to piece back together into any
Semblance of a whole person and it is tragic
Because I have to watch as minute by minute
I break more and then I have to stand again
And work to piece my world back together
Like hope and faith and denial and time can
Ever repair what has been shattered and as
If my self-awareness is anything but a curse.
Chapter 962: Told To Leave
Notes:
This one is quite the sad angry rant - not really happy with the way it turned out as a poem, but these words needed out of my head.
Chapter Text
"Sometimes they just need to be told to leave"
Is that what people say about me
When I'm out of earshot?
Well as someone who has been
The one who always lingers
The one forever beside the door
Not wanting to enter
Not wanting to leave
Can I just ask why do people
Say go and never stop to wonder
What ties us here to tightly
Do you never stop to ask
If something or someone
Here makes us feel safe and happy
Or if stepping out the door
Fills us with fear we can't explain
And yes okay sometimes we miss
Certain more subtle social cues
That some might be dropping
In the hopes that we just start to move
So maybe it is true that sometimes
You just have to be clear and brutal
Tell us to leave with no misunderstanding
Except the one we can never escape
The little voice inside our heads that
Whispers no one wants us there at all
Not that we've outstayed our welcome
But that the welcome we received
Was just our imagination and hope
Thanks to our broken mental state
You do not know what anyone else
Is thinking or feeling so don't let
Your preconceptions of people
Colour your ability to empathise
That ability many say is beyond us
Take a look where you stand then
Chapter 963: Doorways
Chapter Text
I have spent so much of my life in
Doorways
Lingering by the exit and entrance
Too scared to leave or to enter
Just waiting
For someone to notice I exist and
Pull me inside or shut the door
Usually it shuts
I wait by the door because I don't
Feel welcome or a part of things
Beyond the threshold
But I want to be so so much that
I can't tear myself away from the
Watching and wishing
Running through the scenario in
My head a million times imagining
Stepping through the door
But I can't on my own I'm not brave
Enough to risk the heartache from
Rejection and being told to leave
So I stand trapped in the doorway
Longing to enter but too desperate
With stupid hope to walk away
Forever outside looking in
On the threshold but
Never crossing it
In the doorway
Never out
Nor in
Chapter 964: Forgive My Naivety
Chapter Text
Forgive me
That I forget
Sometimes
In my naivety
And fragile
Hopefulness
That even those
Who I know
Understand
Me and my
Life experience
The best
Even they
Do not get
Everything
And I am still
Alone no matter
What in some
Matters of
My heart and
My trembling
Jumbled mind
Chapter 965: Fearfully Hopeful, Tentatively Excited
Chapter Text
It's tentative, my excitement,
So nervous and fragile like
The delicate petals of early
Spring blossoms as they
Brave against a frost or the
Last trembling orange leaf
Fluttering madly in the late
Autumn gale winds as it
Tries to hold onto its tree.
That's how my excitement
My tentative, nervous and
Fragile excitement feels.
The fluttering of my heart
In my chest and the tension
In my hands as my fingers
Clench, I'm so scared to
Be excited at the possibility
Of my happiness and the
Potential for the dreams
I keep dreaming though
Often I try my best not to.
The coming adventure
Excites me, as much as
I am afraid - of the future
And my excitement for it.
Excitement doesn't guarantee
Anything, neither does hope
Or even hard work and focus.
Nothing is certain, not even
My excitement - just like
Those brave little flowers
That poke their heads up
Before the threat of frost
Has truly gone; bravely,
Without truly wanting to,
My heart is hoping like
Them that the cold winter
Is at an end, that blue skies
And warm sun are coming.
Let's pretend that at the
End of every glorious spring
And bright summer there
Isn't a blustering autumn
And bitter winter to follow.
Chapter 966: Between Sleeping And Waking
Chapter Text
In the fog between
Waking and sleeping
It's so easy to get lost
As you wander in a
World of half-forgotten
Dreams where reality
Is what you make it
Where time has no
Meaning and all your
Thoughts just get so
Tangled into knots
It's too easy here to
Take the wrong path
In the mists of paths
Inside your head to
Trudge not into waking
Not any wakefulness
That you would want
But to the awake but
Somehow sleeping
Within where the fog
Clings and everything
Seems behind glass
Like they are real and
You are not or perhaps
You are real and they
Are imagined because
It's troubling difficult
To tell the difference
In those swirling mists
And once you took
One wrong turn it gets
So complicated to get
Back on track but
You can see people
Walking past the
Window so time
Must be passing
But you're not really
Sure because all
You are witnessing
Could be inside
Your own head and
You are too numb
To touch it and find
Out if there's anyone
There but you can't
Find it in yourself to
Care much either way
Caring in something
That requires less fog
Than you have today
Someone is speaking
You think they speak
To you but words
Are lost among the
Mist and you can
Not locate enough
Scatterings of sound
And letters to explain
Fast enough before
They are gone again
Blurring past your
Vision like a sped
Up film as if time
Is working differently
In the outside world
Chapter 967: Communication
Chapter Text
Communication is not my strong point
No matter how I wield these fancy words
No matter that my essays get top marks
No matter how many languages I exercise
No matter how much I repeat and reiterate
Still somehow communication is not my
Strong point
How many meetings and conversations now
Have I come away with completely the wrong
Understanding somehow or been told one
Thing outright but instead misunderstood
With the few words that were explained and
For hours I can deliberate the tone of an email
I can retype a text a hundred times or more
I replay every social encounter to analyse
Every minute facial expression and gesture
To see where I went wrong or errored in my
Perception of the plain old English language
Because no matter how well I communicate
It can never be my strong point
Only a fault point
The fault of miscommunication somehow always mine
Chapter 968: Angry
Chapter Text
I am so angry at the world
So angry at the people in it
So angry that it is changing
And angry it is still the same
And then I am angry at myself
For being so angry when my
Anger does nothing and is
So useless that I think that
I'm useless for only being angry
I want to do more to fix things
To change what I am anger at
For the better but whenever
I let my rage grow enough to
Make me rise to my feet with
Clenched fists it just suddenly
Drains away into numbness
Or fear like the anger was not
Real to begin with - just some
Reaction to helplessness that
I cannot help but fully feel
Chapter 969: Mothers' Flowers
Chapter Text
I got flowers on mother's day
I keep debating with myself
As to whether I deserved them
On the one hand I spend so
Much time with kids and I do
'Mother' to them in some ways
On the other hand I have no
Children to call my own and
All those I care for I borrow
I nearly didn't get flowers for
Mother's day though as I was
Standing empty handed for
Quite a while and I wonder
If the flower I did in the end
Receive were a pity gift or
An afterthought somehow
And I know I will never get
Any flowers on that day
For being who they are
Intended for - those 'mothers'
The special day honours
I will never be one of their
Number who are so truly
Deserving of that praise
It's really not that I think
Myself equally worthy
Just that I am aware of
How much distance is
Between them and me
How far from a mother
I am and will forever be
Chapter 970: What Does That Tell You?
Chapter Text
What does it say about
The environment that
Has been created, by
Comments and side
Glances, that we would
Rather claim the cold
Room near the back
Where we can slip in
And out, unnoticed
For the most part, to
Find the sanctuary
That we need there
In the relative dark
And quiet. Though
In the end it may be
To our benefit to
Relocate rooms, it
Still feels like being
Forced out somehow.
To the room with solid
Walls, not a wall of
Windows hidden by
Blinds, that can hide
Us from you as much
As it can hide you
From us - even if
That is what we crave.
Maybe that's reading
Into things too much
But that's how it feels.
It speaks loudly of
The whole situation
That we are hesitant
To accept such a move
When it places the
Entrance to our safe
Haven in full view of
All those many eyes.
They will watch, even
If they pretend not
To, who goes in there.
Who is too weak to
Manage with everyone
Else, those who are
Not normal. And we
Can feel their gazes.
We are too used to
Them, well trained
To not acknowledge
The unspoken slights
In our younger years
On a school playground.
But that doesn't mean
They don't still hurt.
What does it say about
This environment here
That we are too nervous
Anxious, and fundamentally
Ashamed, to step out
In front of everyone
To declare silently that
We are different, that
We need extra aid, that
We can't cope, that
We are broken and
Faulty and damaged.
And to avoid that stigma
And those pointed looks
And the watching, we
Will simply not. We will
Hide, be in pain, and
Endure until we drop
Rather than paint a
Target on our own backs.
What does that tell you?
Chapter 971: Things We All Say
Chapter Text
We say "every little helps"
And try to believe it
To justify our small
Actions, however well
Meaning or routine,
Like they can actually
Make any difference
We say "if enough of us do"
Like the general population
Has any power in the face
Of the massive corporations
That 'if only we could band
Together then we could win'
We say "together we can
Change things for the better"
As if past experience is to
Be blindly ignored and hope
Be our only compass forward
That 'better' is anything
But a hollow empty dream