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i was all over her

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Six years. It had taken six goddamn years, and now it would resolve into nothing, mainly because Britta knew Annie was going to move away. Crying -yes, she allowed herself to- she stood in the study room, looking right at the table they had handcrafted themselves, and she felt another load of tears form in her eyes before they slid right down her burning hot cheeks. She was furious, not at Annie, or the group, but at herself. She’d managed to be emotionally available and now the love of her life was moving away from her.

In a fit of rage, she kicked one leg of the hardwood table, her mind clouding with instant regret as a sharp pain tore through her toes up to her knee and she held it, hissing at the injury. One hour ago she’d realized she was hopelessly in love with Annie and now she was already referring to her as the love of her life. She cursed under her breath. It was directed at her stupid self that had gone so weak over the past few months. That had nothing to do with growing up, at least she didn't think so. Having actual feelings made her feel weak, and she absolutely didn’t like being as powerless as she thought she was now.

Britta Perry was going to get her heart broken and it was her own damn fault. She directed her anger towards something a bit softer now, turning around swiftly to throw a pillow from off the sofa against the study room windows to her right. The blinds clattered harshly, pillow falling to the carpeted floor and staying there. As it should, that fucking bitch.

“Fuck!” she exclaimed, running her nimble fingers through her hair messily, more tears wallowing in the corners of her eyes, threatening to run down separate cheeks and meet at her chin. Her gaze turned to the entrance of the community college she had called her second home for so many fun years now. Looking outside at the dark, the tiny bushes, memories came up. So many good memories, so many sad ones and so many that just pissed her off thinking about. But one in particular stood out the most, but not because it had just come to mind. It was the one that made her storm out of the bar, enraged as ever, leaving her confused friends behind.

Valentines Day, approximately one and a half year after she’d first joined the study group, and found a new friend that she thought was a lesbian. They’d kissed on the dance floor, in front of everyone and after she’d found out that Page wasn’t a lesbian…

“I should’ve let her kiss me...” Britta whined in an almost pathetic tone of voice as she sunk down onto the floor, still focused on the night sky outside the building. She was entranced with the way it looked. It would have been a magical moment if she didn’t have to wipe her nose with her sleeve and her foot wouldn’t pound like hell. And also if she hadn’t been faced with the biggest regret of her life.

Annie had tried to kiss her. What would’ve happened if she’d let Annie sweep her younger self off her feet and if they’d kissed at that Valentines Day party? Would they be happily dating, looking at apartments to move into together, owning two pet cats named Ruffles and Pickles? Would they draw itty bitty hearts in each other's notebooks at the Save Greendale Committee meetings? Would they walk around holding hands, giving the people on campus some sweet PDA to deal with and, at bars, would Britta have to protectively yell “That’s my girlfriend, jerk!” and injure her hand, paying the hospital a good visit, after trying to defend Annie?

Or would their friendship be forever destroyed, to the point of, besides meetings, not even being on speaking terms anymore because after the party, they went home together, waking up in the same bed and never bringing up what happened again, whilst still knowing what each other’s hot and wet kisses all over their body had felt like?

Would they regret or cherish?

Britta didn’t know how to answer that question. Maybe Abed could have helped, him and his psychic-like abilities to predict what’s going to happen and when. But maybe, like with many other things,even he was powerless in a situation like that. The hardest ones to figure out are usually the ones no one can help you with. You have to do that shit all on your own.

Britta got up slowly, crying out the next curse as more pain tore through her leg and she sighed, pushing a hand deep into the pocket of her jacket and pulling out her iPod. In situations like this, Britta usually found her head cleared if the right music was playing. And by now she was sure no one in the group was looking for her, which stung a tiny bit, but she couldn’t blame them for wanting to have fun together one last time.

One last time.

The blonde spontaneously burst out sobbing again, the slight mascara stains sliding further down as the pigment was pushed downward by the new tears she’d been crying. She rushed over to the speakers, whimpering while her iPod connected with them and soon, 'i was all over her' by salvia palth was blaring through the study room speakers, and Britta fully let herself cry. No one would hear her, she'd cry it all out and her feelings would fade, she was sure. Or, actually, she was hopeful. Sure was definitely the wrong word. She cowered down in a corner, knees pulled up to her face and she let go, tears rushing down her cheeks, to her chin and once they fell and landed on her pants, staining them, there already were new ones coming.

She just hated herself for not realizing her feelings before. It would have been so easy, Britta. Just accept you like the cute, nerdy brunette that’s in your study group. The one that lightened up a room as soon as she walked in, the one that snorted when she laughed really hard, the one who always blushed when you complimented her, the competitive one that wouldn’t give up without a fight, the fiercely loyal one that always stuck to -and up for- the group, the brave one, even though it was rarely recognized by anyone, the one with the goofy facial expressions, the infatuating laugh and smile, the smart one with good grades, and of course, one of the kindest people Britta had ever met. How hard was it to notice having feelings, hell, being in love with this gorgeous woman, and why had she let her go, why was she the one leaving her the most devastated out of everyone Britta had ever had feelings for before, even though they never even kissed, let alone had sex, and why, why in the fuck was it so hard for Britta Perry that she was bisexual.

It mattered to no one but herself, and some raging homophobes who Britta cared a flying fuck about.

So many things were so incredibly, immeasurably hard for her, that others never even thought twice about. Britta just was a complicated person to deal with, which was why she didn’t even blame Annie for not having the same feelings as her. Why she didn’t blame her for not running after her, yelling out a declaration of love on the Greendale Community College stairwell, and then kissing her senseless with those soft, perfect lips of hers.

The blonde had completely drowned out the music whilst crying but she came to when she heard a door slamming shut, the ambient music continuing to play when Britta jumped up, once again yelling out the word ‘fuck’ as she went. She would definitely get that checked out by a doctor once she was done drowning her sorrows in alcohol for two days straight and then going back to her normal lifestyle as if she hadn’t lost her best friend and crush all in the same day. In less than two seconds she was back on her feet, rubbing her hands all across her face in an attempt to get rid of the tears and mascara residue that still stuck to her face like glue, making it feel weird when she contorted her face, like she was coated with something that was slowly cracking every time she moved. She stepped forward to look down the hallway when her breath got stuck in her windpipes and her heart skipped a beat.

Annie.

A random burst of joy overcame her when she spotted the brunette woman through the see-through study room doors, but her joy was met with the crushing weight of reality, stepping on the freshly bloomed flower in her heart, and her throat tightened suddenly. She gasped involuntarily.

“A-annie, I-” Britta began to stammer once the doors didn’t separate them anymore. Annie could clearly see that Britta had been crying and she immediately frowned.

“You don’t need to explain, Britta,” she simply said, serious as Britta had never heard her before and before she could even think about a reply, Annie’s body was pressed against the blonde one’s, arms wrapping around her waist as Annie brought her in for a tight embrace. The overwhelming smell of Annie’s perfume snuck up her nose and made her eyes flutter shut. She still smelled the same, even after six years and a change of style. Like a day in a candy shop. Britta couldn’t help but start crying again, and a hand moved up to rub the small of her back gently, making her calm down for a second, until she burst out into tears again.

Annie sniffled quietly as well, and there they stood, either for two minutes or two hours, Annie hugging her tighter and tighter the more the blonde woman calmed down. Once it was absolutely quiet in the study room, apart from the looped song Britta had put on, they seperated and smiled softly.

“I almost thought you wouldn’t come.” Britta’s voice still sounded shaky and hoarse, but so incredibly loving it made Annie’s stomach turn.

The brunette chuckled softly, leaning against the big table in the room.

“You know I’d always come looking for you, I care about you Britta. And I get why you’re feeling this way.” Her eyes still watered, but they'd both stopped crying a while ago. Was it just Britta or was she even more beautiful this way? So fragile and vulnerable. It pained her to see her hurting but it also flattered her greatly that she would show herself like this to her, and not someone else. She could’ve just stayed at the bar.

Britta smiled, before realizing something. Her smile faded.

“No, you don’t.”

When she was met with a confused gaze, she elaborated.

“You don’t get what I’m going through right now.”

Silence. Annie just looked back at her with her go-to serious expression, the one Britta couldn’t figure out what it actually meant.

“I’ll miss you too, Britta, please don’t think that I won’t.” The blonde in question let out a quiet chuckle, turning her back at Annie. Now or never. She wouldn’t be around much longer anyway.

“Annie, I love you.” She looked at the blinds as if they were the person she was confessing her love to. “I’ve loved you since the day you went in to kiss me at that Valentines Day party, maybe I even developed feelings before that, who knows with me. My point is, I’ve loved you for a long time, and guess who figured that out tonight? Guess who waited six fucking years to confess her love to someone who’s leaving and probably never coming back? To the first one she didn’t have a toxic relationship to, or that she didn’t just like because they were broken? I like you, I love you because you’re the first person I feel truly safe with, and the only one I know won’t betray or backstab me, or leave me for Raquel, because ’she’s got the better rack’. The one who’s been loyal to me for years and now I’m...losing her. I’m losing her because I didn’t realize sooner how much she meant to me-” her voice broke, tears back in her eyes.

“You’re so special, Annie. Whatever guy you end up with in the end, tell him Britta said he’s lucky. He’s the luckiest man alive. And I regret, I so regret not letting you kiss me on Valentines Day. Because maybe, just maybe if I had been lucky enough, I would’ve ended up with you instead of him. That kiss was the one chance to show you how I really felt but I backed out because I was scared of my sexuality and...letting someone in my life again, you of all people. I never would’ve felt good enough to be with you. I was scared of having feelings, I was scared at how my heart jumped when you leaned in, or how the whiff of your perfume almost knocked me out, so I pretended to not be in love with you. I pushed you off and tried to forget, and I succeeded for such a long time. I’ve been denying it for six years, to the point of not even knowing or realizing it, and now that I know, it’s too late. You'll be gone by morning, and so will my heart. I just wish I could relive that moment and do things differently. Not make the same mistake.”

Britta realized she sucked with words. That was the worst declaration of love ever and if Abed was here, Britta would probably finally make him realize that their life wasn’t a TV show. Her hands were shaking, her heart was pounding so hard it echoed back in her ears and her knees were ready to give in any second. She hated what she’d just said. It was so...cheesy and weirdly romantic for Britta to say aloud and it sounded so damn eerie to her. It didn’t fit neither her image nor the wall she’d built to protect herself from opening up.

A small voice came from behind her, obviously in tears. “Turn around.”

And as Britta did, Annie, tears streaming down her face began humming the song that played at the Valentines Day party all these years ago. Britta was surprised she even remembered. And then she got that look. That same look. The exact same look that made her heart race back then, that made her palms sweaty and her knees buckle. She knew. She knew what Annie was up to. Her heart, still pounding in her chest, was barely kept from leaping out.

“P-p-page is straight.” Britta stuttered, remembering the exact same words she’d said back then. Mainly because she’d thought about the moment a lot, blissfully oblivious to her own feelings.

Annie smiled sympathetically through all her tears, walking up closer to her friend.

“Really?” She answered, eyebrows arching cutely. Britta’s stomach felt like the inside of a washing machine.

Almost unable to nod, but managing, she blinked away some tears that made their way into her eyes yet again.

“Well…” Annie’s voice grew shakier by the second, as she moved in even closer, lightly able to feel Britta’s heart pound against her rib cage. “...when she was gay...I thought it was really cool of you to make out with her.”

Towards the end, Annie’s voice had dissolved into a mere whisper, but her eyes kept looking up at her in seriousness. Britta had never seen Annie so determined, not even when she tried to get her grade changed to an A because ‘she deserved it’. It made Britta comfortably shiver. Her whisper was barely heard by Britta over the sound of her heartbeat, when a man cleared his throat and both of them jumped, looking over at the door. Jeff. Britta hadn’t even heard the study room door open.

He smiled, mysteriously, opening his mouth to say something genuine, non-sarcastic in what felt like forever.

“Come on. Kiss her.”

He disappeared as quickly as he’d arrived, leaving the door open behind him as he went outside, presumably where the others were as well.

Britta turned her head in Annie’s direction and there she was, eyes shut and lips slightly puckered, leaning into her, but not fully yet.

The blonde stared for a while, she was now sure she was feeling her heart beat everywhere, reaching into every last cell of her goddamn body. She noticed, when focusing on her lips, that Annie was still using the same bubblegum chapstick she always had used, which made her smile nervously. Annie’s eyes opened again, slowly, seeing as it had been a while since Jeff had left the room. Britta pulled her even closer, both able to feel each other's heartbeat now, and one of her hands reached up to cup Annie’s cheek.

The brunette’s eyes wandered over to look at the sweaty palm pressed up against her cheek, then back up at Britta, who was sure she would faint any second. This was the kiss lean Abed was always blabbering about. And as the boy stopped singing and his voice was fading into the acoustic, Britta finally leaned in to lock lips with the girl before her, the hand that was still resting on her hips digging into her skin and once their lips touched, Britta felt like she was having a solid heart attack. Shy lips moved against hers and a hand tangled up in her golden locks. They both held each other as closely as they possibly could, and they melted into the kiss. Nervous, shaky hands roaming burning hot bodies with an ice cold touch, hearts bursting with content, overjoyed to have resolved the tension, and two different kinds of tears mixing together. Britta felt like a teenager. Felt like this kiss was her first. Her first real kiss, with the taste of bubblegum, the smell of an entire candy shop, and the most happy and overwhelmed she’d ever felt in her entire life. She pushed Annie back up against the edge of the desk, weirdly bold, and a quiet whimper erupted from underneath her. Just like their hug, it was impossible to say how long they'd remained like this. Could’ve been a minute of rush, or an hour of absolute and utter bliss.

Annie tugged on Britta’s bottom lip with her teeth, and the blonde chuckled, finally separating but still holding her close.

“Wow,” was all she got out and even that word was barely understandable, what with how shaky and wobbly it sounded. Annie burst out giggling, nodding, as she understood how Britta felt.

“Your words were beautiful.” Annie said, much more collected than Britta but still out of breath. “And you deserve me, don’t ever say otherwise. You’re the smartest, fiercest, most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. You deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy. I love you too. I really, really do. I...always did. And I’m...so glad you feel the same way. I want to be happy with you.” She pressed another bubblegum kiss to Britta’s lips, a new wave of tears flooding the study room, as her feelings got the best of the brunette, abruptly making her finish up her rambling.

Once their lips parted again, Britta smiled. “How did Jeff know what to say?”

Annie looked up in confusion first, damn her big doe eyes, but then blushed, averting them real quick.

“I may have...told him about it once.”

The blonde chuckled, and her chuckling turned into laughter, which was so infatuating, Annie couldn’t help but chime in. They kissed yet again, laughing mid kiss, when they heard someone yell “Ooooooh!” through the open doors and parted, looking over at the rest of the group entering the room.

“Whoo, are we interrupting?” Chang said, smiling from ear to ear.

“Stop being gross.” Britta answered, playfully hitting his arm.

Abed was walking in right behind them, looking at Britta and Annie for a second before going, “Are you guys doing an unauthorized finale in here? Not cool.”

“Abed, I know it gives you comfort to see everything through that meta-lens but...I think they were just saying goodbye to the room.” Jeff said and even he had to admit he sounded a tad melancholic.

Annie, now letting go of Britta completely, turned to face the group. “For season six. Season seven, who knows? It’s out of our hands. Too many variables.”

“Cool. Cool, cool. Cool, cool...cool. That was one cool for each season.”

Abed’s words made Annie chuckle, her smile as bright as ever.

“Wait, do it again, I want to try something.” Chang said, grinning, and while Abed was repeating himself, he let out a fart, weirdly enough not ruining the mood completely. Some of the group rolled their eyes, but no one was mad. How could they be?

“I farted during the fourth one.” Chang continued “It's an inside joke.”

“I’m gonna miss you guys.” Jeff finally said, summing up everyone’s thoughts.

“Gay.” Was all Chang had to say, really.

And as Frankie suggested, everyone closed their eyes and envisioned their pitch for their personal seventh season. Obviously, Britta had her heart set on making everything right. Making up for her past mistake and doing all the things she dreamed of doing, not getting in the way of herself. Once they all went in for a group hug, Annie searched to find Britta’s hand and held it tightly, squeezing it as if it was the most important thing she’d ever held. And yes maybe, no, definitely, it was. And somehow, some way, they would all make it work.