The New York drag scene really wasn't that big. Everyone knew about everyone, which meant that of course Jackie had heard of Jan, been to a few of her shows even. She had to assume it was the same the other way around. But, Jackie had never really spoken to Jan before. They had never done a show together. Their drag shows were quite different.
Jackie was glad Drag Race had acquainted them. Jackie and Jan had become quite close during the season's filming. Jan was so eccentric and easy to talk to. There was only one problem about her. Jackie couldn't stop thinking about her, and not in a friendly way.
She felt terrible. Jan would be talking about how there was a new cute girl at her club and instead of encouraging her. Jackie felt jealousy boiling in her stomach, taking away the butterflies only for a moment. Jan would laugh and tell her she wasn't really going to pursue the new girl and Jackie would suppress a sigh of relief and her butterflies would come flittering and fluttering back.
Jackie willed her thoughts of Jan to be innocent. She had a crush on her friend was all. She had crushes on her friends all through high school and college, so this wasn't that different. Except, it was different.
Jackie could barely complete basic human tasks with Jan around, and it seemed Jan was always around. She would stumble while walking up the stairs to her apartment or burn herself while curling her hair. She spilled hot water all over while trying to make mac and cheese. Jan had a hold on Jackie's psyche and she had no idea.
Jan came to Jackie's everyday almost immediately after waking. Jackie couldn't help but sometimes pretend that she lived there with her and they were deeply in love when she saw Jan sitting on the floor looking content as ever, but then Jan would say her goodbyes in the early morning hours and Jackie would sulk her way into bed.
It was a Friday night and Jackie had invited some of her sisters over. When she told Jan the news she didn't seem as excited as Jackie thought she would be. She always talked about missing them, so she should have been over the roof that they were going to be all in one place for once. Jan had gotten to her apartment around 1 in the afternoon.
The other girls weren't supposed to be there until 10 or so. Jackie and Jan laughed and talked like a normal day, but Jackie could see Jan constantly looking up at the clock on her wall.
"Why are you acting so weird about the girls coming over?" Jackie asked her. Jan knew she didn't need to answer if she didn't want to, and she definitely did not want to.
"I don't know. I'm just not feeling socializating tonight. Do you know what I mean?" Jan answered her anyway.
"Of course I do. You don't have to. You can go home for the night." Jackie suggested.
"But, I wanna hang out with you," Jan whined. "And I want to see the other girls too. I'm sure I'll feel better once they get here." Jan shot her a million dollar smile and Jackie wasn't convinced, but she let it go.
Jan looked up at the clock again. Jackie sighed and got up to start cooking dinner. Jan took out her phone to keep her occupied on the couch.
About a half an hour later Jan appeared behind Jackie. She let her head rest on Jackie's shoulder and her hands rest lightly on her waist. "Do you need help? I'm bored." Jan said softly into her ear. Jackie jumped a bit, but smiled.
"I told you it would be a boring day here before the girls get here. I don't need any help. You can sit right there and watch me finish the sauce, though." Jackie pointed to a stool close to her as she stirred her spaghetti sauce adding her ingredients little by little to make it just right. Jan was obviously not happy about this, but sat with her head resting in her hand as it seemed it was her only choice.
Soon enough there was a knock on the door. "Here mix this." Jackie passed the spoon to Jan and ran to the door. When she opened the door she was met with three faces, Gigi, Crystal and Jaida. They had huge smiles plastered on their faces and each pulled Jackie in for a hug.
"Jan's in the kitchen." Jackie said and then leaned in closer to the three girls to whisper, "Cheer her up she's been in a mood today." They nodded, and with Crystal leading they skipped into the kitchen.
The night moved along quite swimmingly. Jan was acting like her normal self again while they all sat in a circle on the floor. She laughed at something stupid Crystal would say. She listened intently to Jaida's stories. She was leaning on Gigi's side with her head on her shoulder.
Jackie could not have been more happy to see Jan was finally having a good time. There was no more glares thrown the clock's way and she truly seemed to be happy.
That was until Jaida started telling a story that none of the girls could really comprehend between her giggles and flailing arms. What Jan was able to make out was Jackie's name. Jackie must have understood her because she was quick to swat her arm and tell her to shut up, in the nicest way possible, but Jan was intrigued to say the least and Gigi seemed to be just as interested.
So, the two of them pressed Jaida to tell the story again more clearly. And she did. Jaida told the girls how one night after filming the show, but before the cast was released Jaida was visiting New York. Jan remembers that week. She remembered Jaida wanting to stay at Jackie's apartment instead of Jan's. She wasn't hurt, but she was surprised because she didn't know the girls were close. She assumed they must have gotten closer once Jan was eliminated.
Jaida continued her story and Jackie hid her blushing face behind Jaida's back. Jaida recounted that her and Jackie had hooked up that week, many, many times. Jan could feel herself shrink down against Gigi, but she tried to keep an amused face to keep the story going. She told the girls that it was the best sex she had had in years, and that's why she stayed an extra three nights.
Jan couldn't really tell if she was more angry or sad at the new information that was being thrown at her. Jackie and Jaida had been touchy that week, but Jackie is touchy with everyone. Jackie had kicked Jan out almost four hours earlier than she usually leaves, claiming to be wore out and needed to get to bed.
Jackie lifted her head from its hiding spot behind Jaida with a smile to look at the girls reactions. She saw Jan's face and body language and her smile dropped. She quickly swisher Jaida from telling anymore details that could make Jan any more uncomfortable than she already was. She wished she hadn't let Jaida continue at all. Jan wasn't easily disturbed, but she guessed talking about her best friends sex life was a line she wasn't supposed to cross. As quickly and stealthily as she could she kicked the three girls out. She told them not to have too much fun in their shared hotel room and Gigi rolled her eyes.
"Not as much fun as you and Jaida had, huh?" She snickered before running away with the other girls giggling and following behind her.
Jan had sat herself at the far end of the small couch with her knees up to her chin. Jackie turned from the door and she felt awkward. Like, she wasn't quite sure what to say. Not wanting to cross the line that had obviously been crossed. Jackie sat on the opposite side.
"Jaida is a good story teller. You know, most of the story was elaborated." Jackie sat softly trying to break some tension. Jan just nodded. "I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable. If I would have known it would make you feel that way I wouldn't have let her tell it."
"Its not that I'm uncomfortable. Well, I'm a bit uncomfortable, but I'm just mad." She said looking up into Jackie's eyes. Jackie had been wrong, so wrong. She could see the anger that boiled in her eyes clearly now.
"You're mad? Why are you mad?" Jackie didn't want to get into an argument with her, so she said it as kindly as she could without seeming condescending.
"Because! Ugh!" Jan pushed her knees down from her chin to the couch. She was practically shaking. She grabbed a pillow and pulled against her chest. "Jaida didn't want to stay with me. She basically begged to stay with you, and then you kicked me out every night at ten! For what? To fuck in your bed or on this couch?" Jan yelled at her.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't know you wanted to stay with her so bad. I thought it was fine if she stayed here since you're here everyday anyway." Jackie put a hand on her knee and sighed trying to think of more to say. Anything to say that wouldn't make her more angry at her.
"Its not even about that, fuck! You don't get it!" Jan clutched onto her pillow, but didn't pull away from Jackie's hand.
"Is it about kicking you out? Is it about the couch because I sprayed it and everything, promise!"
"God dammit," she whispered. "It's not about the fucking couch."
"Then help me out here, Jan. What is it about?" Jackie asked her calmly.
"Ugh!" Jan sighed loudly into the air. "You fucked her. You and her fucked. You guys fucked right after I had been here. You kicked me out to fuck her."
"I'm sorry, but did it make you uncomfortable that we hooked up?"
"No, you idiot. We've been over this. I know that you can hook up with whoever you want. I know that. I really do, but thinking about it makes me so… I don't know, fuck! And then, you hooked up with Jaida and that thought makes me so mad."
Jackie looked at her with a confused expression. She squeezed Jan's knee and opened her mouth to speak, but Jan cut her off. "Why didn't you pick me? I've been here this whole time, sitting here on your couch every single day, just like Jaida and it took here mere hours to get you to notice her. I sit here day in and day out begging you to give me any sort of attention. Just to touch me! Kiss me! Anything! And Jaida is here for an hour and you're already in her pants." Jan spoke fast and clearly to her, but didn't lift her eyes.
"Jan, honey." Jackie lifted her chin with two fingers.
"No!" Jan jerked her head from Jackie's hand. "Why am I not good enough for you?" Jan let herself cry. It was just a soft cry, like she had cried for her before. "Why can't you hold me like you held her, or kiss me like you kissed her?"
"Sweetie, I don't want to kiss you like I kissed her. She doesn't mean as much to me as you do." Jackie pulled the girl against her chest and let her cry. "You are more than enough. I just didn't know you wanted me like that."
"I've wanted you since the moment we spoke." Jan sobbed.
"I'm so sorry I didn't know. I want you too. You don't know how many times I've bit my tongue when you talked about other girls. Or, all the times I've wanted to reach out and kiss you or hold you." Jan whispered into her hair.
"Really?" The blonde smiled up at her with tears in her eyes.
"Yes, of course, always." Jan hugged her closer, pulling her onto her lap.